fortune-teller 0.1.2 → 0.3.0

package/fortunes/sports

@@ -1,814 +0,0 @@
-A [golf] ball hitting a tree shall be deemed not to have hit the tree.
-Hitting a tree is simply bad luck and has no place in a scientific game.
-The player should estimate the distance the ball would have traveled if it
-had not hit the tree and play the ball from there, preferably atop a nice
-firm tuft of grass.
-		-- Donald A. Metz
-%
-A [golf] ball sliced or hooked into the rough shall be lifted and placed in
-the fairway at a point equal to the distance it carried or rolled into the
-rough.  Such veering right or left frequently results from friction between
-the face of the club and the cover of the ball and the player should not be
-penalized for the erratic behavior of the ball resulting from such
-uncontrollable physical phenomena.
-		-- Donald A. Metz
-%
-	A boy scout troop went on a hike.  Crossing over a stream, one of
-the boys dropped his wallet into the water.  Suddenly a carp jumped, grabbed
-the wallet and tossed it to another carp.  Then that carp passed it to
-another carp, and all over the river carp appeared and tossed the wallet back
-and forth.
-	"Well, boys," said the Scout leader, "you've just seen a rare case
-of carp-to-carp walleting."
-%
-A couple of young fellers were fishing at their special pond off the
-beaten track when out of the bushes jumped the Game Warden.  Immediately,
-one of the boys threw his rod down and started running through the woods
-like the proverbial bat out of hell, and hot on his heels ran the Game
-Warden.  After about a half mile the fella stopped and stooped over with
-his hands on his thighs, whooping and heaving to catch his breath as the
-Game Warden finally caught up to him.
-	"Let's see yer fishin' license, boy," the Warden gasped.  The
-man pulled out his wallet and gave the Game Warden a valid fishing
-license.
-	"Well, son", snarled the Game Warden, "You must be about as dumb
-as a box of rocks!  You didn't have to run if you have a license!"
-	"Yes, sir," replied his victim, "but, well, see, my friend back
-there, he don't have one!"
-%
-A gambler's biggest thrill is winning a bet.
-His next biggest thrill is losing a bet.
-%
-A new 'chutist had just jumped from the plane at 10,000 feet, and soon
-discovered that all his lines were hopelessly tangled.  At about 5,000 feet,
-still struggling, he noticed someone coming up from the ground at about the
-same speed as he was going towards the ground.  As they passed each other at
-3,000 feet, the 'chutist yells, "HEY! DO YOU KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT PARACHUTES?"
-	The reply came, fading towards the end, "NO!  DO YOU KNOW ANYTHING
-ABOUT COLEMAN STOVES?"
-%
-A nickel ain't worth a dime anymore.
-		-- Yogi Berra
-%
-A putt that stops close enough to the cup to inspire such comments as
-"you could blow it in" may be blown in.  This rule does not apply if
-the ball is more than three inches from the hole, because no one wants
-to make a travesty of the game.
-		-- Donald A. Metz
-%
-	A ranger was walking through the forest and encountered a hunter
-carrying a shotgun and a dead loon.  "What in the world do you think you're
-doing?  Don't you know that the loon is on the endagered species list?"
-	Instead of answering, the hunter showed the ranger his game bag,
-which contained twelve more loons.
-	"Why would you shoot loons?", the ranger asked.
-	"Well, my family eats them and I sell the plumage."
-	"What's so special about a loon?  What does it taste like?"
-	"Oh, somewhere between an American Bald Eagle and a Trumpeter Swan."
-%
-		Accidentally Shot
-
-	Colonel Gray, of Petaluma, came near losing his life a few days ago,
-in a singular manner.  A gentleman with whom he was hunting attempted to
-bring down a dove, but instead of doing so put the load of shot through the
-Colonel's hat.  One shot took effect in his forehead.
-		-- Sacramento Daily Union, April 20, 1861
-%
-"Ain't that something what happened today.  One of us got traded to
-Kansas City."
-		-- Casey Stengel, informing outfielder Bob Cerv he'd
-		   been traded.
-%
-All bridge hands are equally likely, but some are more equally likely
-than others.
-		-- Alan Truscott
-%
-Although golf was originally restricted to wealthy, overweight Protestants,
-today it's open to anybody who owns hideous clothing.
-		-- Dave Barry
-%
-Although written many years ago, Lady Chatterley's Lover has just been
-reissued by the Grove Press, and this pictorial account of the
-day-to-day life of an English gamekeeper is full of considerable
-interest to outdoor minded readers, as it contains many passages on
-pheasant-raising, the apprehending of poachers, ways to control vermin,
-and other chores and duties of the professional gamekeeper.
-Unfortunately, one is obliged to wade through many pages of extraneous
-material in order to discover and savour those sidelights on the
-management of a midland shooting estate, and in this reviewer's opinion
-the book cannot take the place of J. R. Miller's "Practical Gamekeeping."
-		-- Ed Zern, "Field and Stream" (Nov. 1959)
-%
-Anxious after the delay, Gruber doesn't waste any time getting the Koenig
-[a modified Porsche] up to speed, and almost immediately we are blowing off
-Alfas, Fiats, and Lancias full of excited Italians.  These people love fast
-cars.  But they love sport too and no passing encounter goes unchallenged.
-Nothing serious, just two wheels into your lane as you're bearing down on
-them at 130-plus -- to see if you're paying attention.
-		-- Road & Track article about driving two absurdly fast
-		   cars across Europe.
-%
-[Babe] Ruth made a big mistake when he gave up pitching.
-		-- Tris Speaker, 1921
-%
-Bill Dickey is learning me his experience.
-		-- Yogi Berra in his rookie season.
-%
-Brandy Davis, an outfielder and teammate of mine with the Pittsburgh Pirates,
-is my choice for team captain.  Cincinnatti was beating us 3-1, and I led
-off the bottom of the eighth with a walk.  The next hitter banged a hard
-single to right field.  Feeling the wind at my back, I rounded second and
-kept going, sliding safely into third base.
-	With runners at first and third, and home-run hitter Ralph Kiner at
-bat, our manager put in the fast Brandy Davis to run for the player at first.
-Even with Kiner hitting and a change to win the game with a home run, Brandy
-took off for second and made it.  Now we had runners at second and third.
-	I'm standing at third, knowing I'm not going anywhere, and see Brandy
-start to take a lead.  All of a sudden, here he comes.  He makes a great slide
-into third, and I scream, "Brandy, where are you going?"  He looks up, and
-shouts, "Back to second if I can make it."
-		-- Joe Garagiola, "It's Anybody's Ball Game"
-%
-Check me if I'm wrong, Sandy, but if I kill all the golfers...
-they're gonna lock me up and throw away the key!
-%
-College football is a game which would be much more interesting if the faculty
-played instead of the students, and even more interesting if the trustees
-played.  There would be a great increase in broken arms, legs, and necks,
-and simultaneously an appreciable diminution in the loss to humanity.
-		-- H. L. Mencken
-%
-	COONDOG MEMORY
-	(heard in Rutledge, Missouri, about eighteen years ago)
-
-Now, this dog is for sale, and she can not only follow a trail twice as
-old as the average dog can, but she's got a pretty good memory to boot.
-For instance, last week this old boy who lives down the road from me, and
-is forever stinkmouthing my hounds, brought some city fellow around to
-try out ol' Sis here.  So I turned her out south of the house and she made
-two or three big swings back and forth across the edge of the woods, set
-back her head, bayed a couple of times, cut straight through the woods,
-come to a little clearing, jumped about three foot straight up in the air,
-run to the other side, and commenced to letting out a racket like she had
-something treed.  We went over there with our flashlights and shone them
-up in the tree but couldn't catch no shine offa coon's eyes, and my
-neighbor sorta indicated that ol' Sis might be a little crazy, `cause she
-stood right to the tree and kept singing up into it.  So I pulled off my
-coat and climbed up into the branches, and sure enough, there was a coon
-skeleton wedged in between a couple of branches about twenty foot up.
-Now as I was saying, she can follow a pretty old trail, but this fellow
-was still calling her crazy or touched `cause she had hopped up in the
-air while she was crossing the clearing, until I reminded him that the
-Hawkins' had a fence across there about five years back.  Now, this dog
-is for sale.
-		-- News that stayed News: Ten Years of Coevolution Quarterly
-%
-Dallas Cowboys Official Schedule
-
-	Sept 14		Pasadena Junior High
-	Sept 21		Boy Scout Troop 049
-	Sept 28		Blind Academy
-	Sept 30		World War I Veterans
-	Oct 5		Brownie Scout Troop 041
-	Oct 12		Sugarcreek High Cheerleaders
-	Oct 26		St. Thomas Boys Choir
-	Nov 2		Texas City Vet Clinic
-	Nov 9		Korean War Amputees
-	Nov 15		VA Hospital Polio Patients
-%
-Decisions of the judges will be final unless shouted down by a really over-
-whelming majority of the crowd present.  Abusive and obscene language may
-not be used by contestants when addressing members of the judging panel,
-or, conversely, by members of the judging panel when addressing contestants
-(unless struck by a boomerang).
-		-- Mudgeeraba Creek Emu-Riding and Boomerang-Throwing Assoc.
-%
-Don't let go of what you've got hold of, until you have hold of something else.
-		-- First Rule of Wing Walking
-%
-Easiest Color to Solve on a Rubik's Cube:	Black.
-
-Simply remove all the little colored stickers on the cube, and each of
-side of the cube will now be the original color of the plastic underneath
--- black.  According to the instructions, this means the puzzle is solved.
-		-- Steve Rubenstein
-%
-Ever feel like life was a game and you had the wrong instruction book?
-%
-Ever feel like you're the head pin on life's bowling alley, and everyone's
-rolling strikes?
-%
-Every creature has within him the wild, uncontrollable urge to punt.
-		-- Snoopy
-%
-Failed Attempts To Break Records
-	In September 1978 Mr. Terry Gripton, of Stafford, failed to break
-the world shouting record by two and a half decibels.  "I am not surprised
-he failed," his wife said afterwards.  "He's really a very quiet man and
-doesn't even shout at me."
-	In August of the same year Mr. Paul Anthony failed to break the
-record for continuous organ playing by 387 hours.
-	His attempt at the Golden Fish Fry Restaurant in Manchester ended
-after 36 hours 10 minutes, when he was accused of disturbing the peace.
-"People complained I was too noisy," he said.
-	In January 1976 Mr. Barry McQueen failed to walk backwards across
-the Menai Bridge playing the bagpipes.  "It was raining heavily and my
-drone got waterlogged," he said.
-	A TV cameraman thwarted Mr. Bob Specas' attempt to topple 100,000
-dominoes at the Manhattan Center, New York on 9 June 1978.  97,500 dominoes
-had been set up when he dropped his press badge and set them off.
-		-- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures"
-%
-Flying is the second greatest feeling you can have.  The greatest feeling?
-Landing...  Landing is the greatest feeling you can have.
-%
-Football builds self-discipline.  What else would induce a spectator to
-sit out in the open in subfreezing weather?
-%
-Football combines the two worst features of American life.
-It is violence punctuated by committee meetings.
-		-- George F. Will, "Men At Work:  The Craft of Baseball"
-%
-Football is a game designed to keep coalminers off the streets.
-		-- Jimmy Breslin
-%
-Fortune finishes the great quotations, #15
-
-	"Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses."
-	And while you're at it, throw in a couple of those Dallas
-	Cowboy cheerleaders.
-%
-FORTUNE'S FUN FACTS TO KNOW AND TELL:		#14
-	The Baby Ruth candy bar was not named after George Herman "The Babe"
-Ruth, but after the oldest daughter of President Grover Cleveland.
-%
-From 0 to "what seems to be the problem officer" in 8.3 seconds.
-		-- Ad for the new VW Corrado
-%
-George's friend Sam had a dog who could recite the Gettysburg Address.  "Let
-me buy him from you," pleaded George after a demonstration.
-	"Okay," agreed Sam.  "All he knows is that Lincoln speech anyway."
-	At his company's Fourth of July picnic, George brought his new pet
-and announced that the animal could recite the entire Gettysburg Address.
-No one believed him, and they proceeded to place bets against the dog.
-George quieted the crowd and said, "Now we'll begin!"  Then he looked at
-the dog.  The dog looked back.  No sound.  "Come on, boy, do your stuff."
-Nothing.  A disappointed George took his dog and went home.
-	"Why did you embarrass me like that in front of everybody?" George
-yelled at the dog.  "Do you realize how much money you lost me?"
-	"Don't be silly, George," replied the dog.  "Think of the odds we're
-gonna get on Labor Day."
-%
-Give a man a fish, and you feed him for a day.  Teach a man to fish,
-and he'll invite himself over for dinner.
-		-- Calvin Keegan
-%
-Give me a fish and I will eat today.
-
-Teach me to fish and I will eat forever.
-%
-Go directly to jail.  Do not pass Go, do not collect $200.
-%
-Harry is heavily into camping, and every year in the late fall, he makes us
-all go to Assateague, which is an island on the Atlantic Ocean famous for
-its wild horses.  I realize that the concept of wild horses probably stirs
-romantic notions in many of you, but this is because you have never met any
-wild horses in person.  In person, they are like enormous hooved rats.  They
-amble up to your camp site, and their attitude is: "We're wild horses.
-We're going to eat your food, knock down your tent and poop on your shoes.
-We're protected by federal law, just like Richard Nixon."
-		-- Dave Barry, "Tenting Grandpa Bob"
-%
-HARVARD:
-Quarterback:
-	Sophomore Dave Strewzinski... likes to pass.  And pass he does, with
-a record 86 attempts (three completions) in 87 plays....  Though Strewzinksi
-has so far failed to score any points for the Crimson, his jackrabbit speed
-has made him the least sacked quarterback in the Ivy league.
-Wide Receiver:
-	The other directional signal in Harvard's offensive machine is senior
-Phil Yip, who is very fast.  Yip is so fast that he has set a record for being
-fast.  Expect to see Yip elude all pursuers and make it into the endzone five
-or six times, his average for a game.  Yip, nicknamed "fumblefingers" and "you
-asshole" by his teammates, hopes to carry the ball with him at least one of
-those times.
-YALE:
-Defense:
-	On the defensive side, Yale boasts the stingiest line in the Ivies.
-Primarily responsible are seniors Izzy "Shylock" Bloomberg and Myron
-Finklestein, the tightest ends in recent Eli history.  Also contributing to
-the powerful defense is junior tackle Angus MacWhirter, a Scotsman who rounds
-out the offensive ethnic joke.  Look for these three to shut down the opening
-coin toss.
-		-- Harvard Lampoon 1988 Program Parody, distributed at The Game
-%
-Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people.
-		-- W. C. Fields
-%
-How can you think and hit at the same time?
-		-- Yogi Berra
-%
-I always turn to the sports pages first, which record people's accomplishments.
-The front page has nothing but man's failures.
-		-- Chief Justice Earl Warren
-%
-I believe that professional wrestling is clean and everything else in
-the world is fixed.
-		-- Frank Deford, sports writer
-%
-I can't decide whether to commit suicide or go bowling.
-		-- Florence Henderson
-%
-I do not care if half the league strikes.  Those who do will encounter
-quick retribution.  All will be suspended, and I don't care if it wrecks
-the National League for five years.  This is the United States of America
-and one citizen has as much right to play as another.
-		-- Ford Frick, National League President, reacting to a
-		   threatened strike by some Cardinal players in 1947 if
-		   Jackie Robinson took the field against St. Louis.  The
-		   Cardinals backed down and played.
-%
-I guess I've been so wrapped up in playing the game that I never took
-time enough to figure out where the goal line was -- what it meant to
-win -- or even how you won.
-		-- Cash McCall
-%
-I guess the Little League is even littler than we thought.
-		-- D. Cavett
-%
-I just know I'm a better manager when I have Joe DiMaggio in center field.
-		-- Casey Stengel
-%
-I like your game but we have to change the rules.
-%
-I never met a man I didn't want to fight.
-		-- Lyle Alzado, professional football lineman
-%
-I realize that today you have a number of top female athletes such as
-Martina Navratilova who can run like deer and bench-press Chevrolet
-trucks.  But to be brutally frank, women as a group have a long way to
-go before they reach the level of intensity and dedication to sports
-that enables men to be such incredible jerks about it.
-		-- Dave Barry, "Sports is a Drag"
-%
-I went to the race track once and bet on a horse that was so good that
-it took seven others to beat him!
-%
-I would be batting the big feller if they wasn't ready with the other one,
-but a left-hander would be the thing if they wouldn't have knowed it already
-because there is more things involved than could come up on the road, even
-after we've been home a long while.
-		-- Casey Stengel
-%
-I would rather say that a desire to drive fast sports cars is what sets
-man apart from the animals.
-%
-I'd rather push my Harley than ride a rice burner.
-%
-I'm a lucky guy, and I'm happy to be with the Yankees.  And I want to
-thank everyone for making this night necessary.
-		-- Yogi Berra at a dinner in his honor
-%
-I'm glad we don't have to play in the shade.
-		-- Golfer Bobby Jones on being told that it was 105 degrees
-		   in the shade.
-%
-I've only got 12 cards.
-%
-If a putt passes over the hole without dropping, it is deemed to have dropped.
-The law of gravity holds that any object attempting to maintain a position
-in the atmosphere without something to support it must drop.  The law of
-gravity supercedes the law of golf.
-		-- Donald A. Metz
-%
-If a team is in a positive frame of mind, it will have a good attitude.
-If it has a good attitude, it will make a commitment to playing the
-game right.  If it plays the game right, it will win -- unless, of
-course, it doesn't have enough talent to win, and no manager can make
-goose-liver pate out of goose feathers, so why worry?
-		-- Sparky Anderson
-%
-If people concentrated on the really important things in life,
-there'd be a shortage of fishing poles.
-		-- Doug Larson
-%
-If swimming is so good for your figure, how come whales look the
-way they do?
-%
-	If you do your best the rest of the way, that takes care of
-everything. When we get to October 2, we'll add up the wins, and then
-we'll either all go into the playoffs, or we'll all go home and play golf.
-	Both those things sound pretty good to me.
-		-- Sparky Anderson
-%
-If you don't know what game you're playing, don't ask what the score is.
-%
-If you sit down at a poker game and don't see a sucker, get up.  You're
-the sucker.
-%
-If you want to see card tricks, you have to expect to take cards.
-		-- Harry Blackstone
-%
-If you're carrying a torch, put it down.  The Olympics are over.
-%
-In Africa some of the native tribes have a custom of beating the ground
-with clubs and uttering spine chilling cries.  Anthropologists call
-this a form of primitive self-expression.  In America we call it golf.
-%
-In Brooklyn, we had such great pennant races, it made the World Series
-just something that came later.
-		-- Walter O'Malley, Dodgers owner
-%
-It gets late early out there.
-		-- Yogi Berra
-%
-It has long been known that one horse can run faster than another --
-but which one?  Differences are crucial.
-		-- Lazarus Long
-%
-It's like deja vu all over again.
-		-- Yogi Berra
-%
-It's not whether you win or lose but how you played the game.
-		-- Grantland Rice
-%
-It's not whether you win or lose, it's how you look playing the game.
-%
-Keep grandma off the streets -- legalize bingo.
-%
-Keep in mind always the four constant Laws of Frisbee:
-	(1) The most powerful force in the world is that of a disc
-	   straining to land under a car, just out of reach (this
-	   force is technically termed "car suck").
-	(2) Never precede any maneuver by a comment more predictive
-	   than "Watch this!"
-	(3) The probability of a Frisbee hitting something is directly
-	   proportional to the cost of hitting it.  For instance, a
-	   Frisbee will always head directly towards a policeman or
-	   a little old lady rather than the beat up Chevy.
-	(4) Your best throw happens when no one is watching; when the
-	   cute girl you've been trying to impress is watching, the
-	   Frisbee will invariably bounce out of your hand or hit you
-	   in the head and knock you silly.
-%
-Life is a gamble at terrible odds, if it was a bet you wouldn't take it.
-		-- Tom Stoppard, "Rosencrantz and Guildenstern are Dead"
-%
-Life is a game of bridge -- and you've just been finessed.
-%
-Life is a game.  In order to have a game, something has to be more
-important than something else.  If what already is, is more important
-than what isn't, the game is over.  So, life is a game in which what
-isn't, is more important than what is.  Let the good times roll.
-		-- Werner Erhard
-%
-Life is a yo-yo, and mankind ties knots in the string.
-%
-Look, we play the Star Spangled Banner before every game.  You want us
-to pay income taxes, too?
-		-- Bill Veeck, Chicago White Sox
-%
-Love means nothing to a tennis player.
-%
-Mankind's yearning to engage in sports is older than recorded history,
-dating back to the time millions of years ago, when the first primitive man
-picked up a crude club and a round rock, tossed the rock into the air, and
-whomped the club into the sloping forehead of the first primitive umpire.
-
-What inner force drove this first athlete?  Your guess is as good as
-mine.  Better, probably, because you haven't had four beers.
-		-- Dave Barry, "Sports is a Drag"
-%
-MARTA SAYS THE INTERESTING thing about fly-fishing is that it's two lives
-connected by a thin strand.
-
-Come on, Marta, grow up.
-		-- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988.
-%
-MARTA WAS WATCHING THE FOOTBALL GAME with me when she said, "You know most
-of these sports are based on the idea of one group protecting its
-territory from invasion by another group."
-
-"Yeah," I said, trying not to laugh.  Girls are funny.
-		-- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988.
-%
-	Max told his friend that he'd just as soon not go hiking in the hills.
-Said he, "I'm an anti-climb Max."
-	[So is that punchline.]
-%
-Most people's favorite way to end a game is by winning.
-%
-My first baseman is George "Catfish" Metkovich from our 1952 Pittsburgh
-Pirates team, which lost 112 games.  After a terrible series against the
-New York Giants, in which our center fielder made three throwing errors
-and let two balls get through his legs, manager Billy Meyer pleaded, "Can
-somebody think of something to help us win a game?"
-	"I'd like to make a suggestion," Metkovich said.  "On any ball hit
-to center field, let's just let it roll to see if it might go foul."
-		-- Joe Garagiola, "It's Anybody's Ball Game"
-%
-My way of joking is to tell the truth.  That's the funniest joke in the world.
-		-- Muhammad Ali
-%
-Nadia Comaneci, simple perfection.
-		-- '76 Olympics
-%
-Never play pool with anyone named "Fats".
-%
-NEWS FLASH!!
-Today the East German pole-vault champion became the West German pole-vault
-champion.
-%
-Nothing increases your golf score like witnesses.
-%
-Now there's three things you can do in a baseball game: you can win
-or you can lose or it can rain.
-		-- Casey Stengel
-%
-"Oh, he [a big dog] hunts with papa," she said. "He says Don Carlos [the
-dog] is good for almost every kind of game.  He went duck hunting one time
-and did real well at it.  Then Papa bought some ducks, not wild ducks but,
-you know, farm ducks.  And it got Don Carlos all mixed up.  Since the
-ducks were always around the yard with nobody shooting at them he knew he
-wasn't supposed to kill them, but he had to do something.  So one morning
-last spring, when the ground was still soft, he took all the ducks and
-buried them."  "What do you mean, buried them?"  "Oh, he didn't hurt them.
-He dug little holes all over the yard and picked up the ducks in his mouth
-and put them in the holes.  Then he covered them up with mud except for
-their heads.  He did thirteen ducks that way and was digging a hole for
-another one when Tony found him.  We talked about it for a long time.  Papa
-said Don Carlos was afraid the ducks might run away, and since he didn't
-know how to build a cage he put them in holes.  He's a smart dog."
-		-- R. Bradford, "Red Sky At Morning"
-%
-On Thanksgiving Day all over America, families sit down to dinner at the
-same moment -- halftime.
-%
-Once there was this conductor see, who had a bass problem.  You see, during
-a portion of Beethovan's Ninth Symphony in which there are no bass violin
-parts, one of the bassists always passed a bottle of scotch around.  So,
-to remind himself that the basses usually required an extra cue towards the
-end of the symphony, the conductor would fasten a piece of string around the
-page of the score before the bass cue.  As the basses grew more and more
-inebriated, two of them fell asleep.  The conductor grew quite nervous (he
-was very concerned about the pitch) because it was the bottom of the ninth;
-the score was tied and the basses were loaded with two out.
-%
-One thought driven home is better than three left on base.
-%
-One way to stop a runaway horse is to bet on him.
-%
-Our [softball] team usually puts the other woman at second base, where the
-maximum possible number of males can get there on short notice to help out
-in case of emergency.  As far as I can tell, our second basewoman is a pretty
-good baseball player, better than I am, anyway, but there's no way to know
-for sure because if the ball gets anywhere near her, a male comes barging
-over from, say, right field, to deal with it.  She's been on the team for
-three seasons now, but the males still don't trust her.  They know, deep in
-their souls, that if she had to choose between catching a fly ball and saving
-an infant's life, she probably would elect to save the infant's life, without
-ever considering whether there were men on base.
-		-- Dave Barry, "Sports is a Drag"
-%
-P-K4
-%
-Pedro Guerrero was playing third base for the Los Angeles Dodgers in 1984
-when he made the comment that earns him a place in my Hall of Fame.  Second
-baseman Steve Sax was having trouble making his throws.  Other players were
-diving, screaming, signaling for a fair catch.  At the same time, Guerrero,
-at third, was making a few plays that weren't exactly soothing to manager
-Tom Lasorda's stomach.  Lasorda decided it was time for one of his famous
-motivational meetings and zeroed in on Guerrero: "How can you play third
-base like that?  You've gotta be thinking about something besides baseball.
-What is it?"
-	"I'm only thinking about two things," Guerrero said.  "First, `I
-hope they don't hit the ball to me.'"  The players snickered, and even
-Lasorda had to fight off a laugh.  "Second, `I hope they don't hit the ball
-to Sax.'"
-		-- Joe Garagiola, "It's Anybody's Ball Game"
-%
-Repel them.  Repel them.  Induce them to relinquish the spheroid.
-		-- Indiana University football cheer
-%
-Reporter:   "What would you do if you found a million dollars?"
-Yogi Berra: "If the guy was poor, I would give it back."
-%
-Rick:	"How can you close me up?  On what grounds?"
-Renault: "I'm shocked!  Shocked!  To find that gambling is going on here."
-Croupier (handing money to Renault): "Your winnings, sir."
-Renault:"Oh.  Thank you very much."
-		-- Casablanca
-%
-Rube Walker: "Hey, Yogi, what time is it?"
-Yogi Berra:  "You mean now?"
-%
-Ruth made a great mistake when he gave up pitching.  Working once a week,
-he might have lasted a long time and become a great star.
-		-- Tris Speaker, commenting on Babe Ruth's plan to change
-		   from being a pitcher to an outfielder.
-		   Cerf/Navasky, "The Experts Speak"
-%
-Sailing is fun, but scrubbing the decks is aardvark.
-		-- Heard on Noahs' ark
-%
-San Francisco has always been my favorite booing city.  I don't mean the
-people boo louder or longer, but there is a very special intimacy.  When
-they boo you, you know they mean *you*.  Music, that's what it is to me.
-One time in Kezar Stadium they gave me a standing boo.
-		-- George Halas, professional football coach
-%
-Several years ago, an international chess tournament was being held in a
-swank hotel in New York.  Most of the major stars of the chess world were
-there, and after a grueling day of chess, the players and their entourages
-retired to the lobby of the hotel for a little refreshment.  In the lobby,
-some players got into a heated argument about who was the brightest, the
-fastest, and the best chess player in the world.  The argument got quite
-loud, as various players claimed that honor.  At that point, a security
-guard in the lobby turned to another guard and commented, "If there's
-anything I just can't stand, it's chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."
-%
-Show me a good loser in professional sports and I'll show you an idiot.
-Show me a good sportsman and I'll show you a player I'm looking to trade.
-		-- Leo Durocher
-%
-So I'm ugly.  So what?  I never saw anyone hit with his face.
-		-- Yogi Berra
-%
-Son, someday a man is going to walk up to you with a deck of cards on which
-the seal is not yet broken.  And he is going to offer to bet you that he can
-make the Ace of Spades jump out of the deck and squirt cider in your ears.
-But son, do not bet this man, for you will end up with a ear full of cider.
-		-- Sky Masterson's Father
-%
-Support Bingo, keep Grandma off the streets.
-%
-Teamwork is essential -- it allows you to blame someone else.
-%
-Ten of the meanest cons in the state pen met in the corner of the yard to
-shoot some craps.  The stakes were enormous, the tension palpable.
-	When his turn came to shoot, Dutsky nervously plunked down his
-entire wad, shook the dice and rolled.  A smile crossed his face as a
-seven showed up, but it quickly changed to horror as third die slipped out
-of his sleeve and fell to the ground with the two others.  No one said a
-word.  Finally, Killer Lucci picked up the third die, put it in his pocket
-and handed the others to Dutsky.
-	"Roll 'em," Lucci said.  "Your point is thirteen."
-%
-Texas A&M football coach Jackie Sherrill went to the office of the Dean
-of Academics because he was concerned about his players' mental abilities.
-"My players are just too stupid for me to deal with them", he told the
-unbelieving dean.  At this point, one of his players happened to enter
-the dean's office.  "Let me show you what I mean", said Sherrill, and he
-told the player to run over to his office to see if he was in.  "OK, Coach",
-the player replied, and was off.  "See what I mean?" Sherrill asked.
-"Yeah", replied the dean.  "He could have just picked up this phone and
-called you from here."
-%
-That's the true harbinger of spring, not crocuses or swallows
-returning to Capistrano, but the sound of a bat on a ball.
-		-- Bill Veeck
-%
-The duck hunter trained his retriever to walk on water.  Eager to show off 
-this amazing accomplishment, he asked a friend to go along on his next
-hunting trip.  Saying nothing, he fired his first shot and, as the duck fell,
-the dog walked on the surface of the water, retrieved the duck and returned
-it to his master.
-	"Notice anything?" the owner asked eagerly.
-	"Yes," said his friend, "I see that fool dog of yours can't swim."
-%
-The Fastest Defeat In Chess
-	The big name for us in the world of chess is Gibaud, a French chess
-master.  
-	In Paris during 1924 he was beaten after only four moves by a
-Monsieur Lazard.  Happily for posterity, the moves are recorded and so
-chess enthusiasts may reconstruct this magnificent collapse in the comfort
-of their own homes.
-	Lazard was black and Gibaud white:
-	1: P-Q4, Kt-KB3
-	2: Kt-Q2, P-K4
-	3: PxP, Kt-Kt5
-	4: P-K6, Kt-K6
-	White then resigns on realizing that a fifth move would involve
-either a Q-KR5 check or the loss of his queen.
-		-- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures"
-%
-The fellow sat down at a bar, ordered a drink and asked the bartender if he
-wanted to hear a dumb-jock joke.
-	"Hey, buddy," the bartender replied, "you see those two guys next to
-you?  They used to be with the Chicago Bears.  The two dudes behind you made
-the U.S. Olympic wrestling team.  And for you information, I used to play
-center at Notre Dame."
-	"Forget it," the customer said.  "I don't want to explain it five
-times."
-%
-The most serious doubt that has been thrown on the authenticity of the
-biblical miracles is the fact that most of the witnesses in regard to
-them were fishermen.
-		-- Arthur Binstead
-%
-THE OLD POOL SHOOTER had won many a game in his life. But now it was time
-to hang up the cue. When he did, all the other cues came crashing go the floor.
-
-"Sorry," he said with a smile.
-		-- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988.
-%
-The one sure way to make a lazy man look respectable is to put a fishing
-rod in his hand.
-%
-	The only real game in the world, I think, is baseball...
-You've got to start way down, at the bottom, when you're six or seven years
-old. You can't wait until you're fifteen or sixteen.  You've got to let it
-grow up with you, and if you're successful and you try hard enough, you're
-bound to come out on top, just like these boys have come to the top now.
-		-- Babe Ruth, in his 1948 farewell speech at Yankee Stadium
-%
-The pitcher wound up and he flang the ball at the batter.  The batter
-swang and missed.  The pitcher flang the ball again and this time the
-batter connected.  He hit a high fly right to the center fielder.  The
-center fielder was all set to catch the ball, but at the last minute his
-eyes were blound by the sun and he dropped it.
-		-- Dizzy Dean
-%
-The real problem with hunting elephants is carrying the decoys.
-%
-The surest way to remain a winner is to win once, and then not play any more.
-%
-The University of California Bears announced the signing of Reggie
-Philbin to a letter of intent to attend Cal next Fall.  Philbin is said
-to make up for no talent by cheating well.  Says Philbin of his decision
-to attend Cal, "I'm in it for the free ride."
-%
-The urge to gamble is so universal and its practice so pleasurable
-that I assume it must be evil.
-		-- Heywood Broun
-%
-The whole of life is futile unless you consider it as a sporting proposition.
-%
-There's a couple of million dollars worth of baseball talent on the loose,
-ready for the big leagues, yet unsigned by any major league.  There are
-pitchers who would win 20 games a season ... and outfielders [who] could
-hit .350, infielders who could win recognition as stars, and there's at
-least one catcher who at this writing is probably superior to Bill Dickey,
-Josh Gibson.  Only one thing is keeping them out of the big leagues, the
-pigmentation of their skin.  They happen to be colored.
-		-- Shirley Povich, 1941
-%
-They also surf who only stand on waves.
-%
-To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and, whatever you hit,
-call it the target.
-%
-Trust everybody, but cut the cards.
-		-- Finlay Peter Dunne, "Mr. Dooley's Philosophy"
-%
-	Two brothers, Mort and Bill, like to sail.  While Bill has a great
-deal of experience, he certainly isn't the rigger Mort is.
-%
-Two golfers were being held up as the twosome of women in front of them
-whiffed shots, hunted for lost balls and stood over putts for what seemed
-like hours.
-	"I'll ask if we can play through," Bill said as he strode toward
-the women.  Twenty yards from the green, however, he turned on his heel
-and went back to where his companion was waiting.
-	"Can't do it," he explained, sheepishly.  "One of them's my wife
-and the other's my mistress!"
-	"I'll ask," said Jim.  He started off, only to turn and come back
-before reaching the green.
-	"What's wrong?" Bill asked.
-	"Small world, isn't it?"
-%
-We was playin' the Homestead Grays in the city of Pitchburgh.  Josh [Gibson]
-comes up in the last of the ninth with a man on and us a run behind.  Well,
-he hit one.  The Grays waited around and waited around, but finally the
-empire rules it ain't comin' down.  So we win.  The next day, we was disputin'
-the Grays in Philadelphia when here come a ball outta the sky right in the
-glove of the Grays' center fielder.  The empire made the only possible call.
-"You're out, boy!" he says to Josh.  "Yesterday, in Pitchburgh."
-		-- Satchel Paige
-%
-When he got in trouble in the ring, [Ali] imagined a door swung open and
-inside he could see neon, orange, and green lights blinking, and bats
-blowing trumpets and alligators blowing trombones, and he could hear snakes
-screaming.  Weird masks and actors' clothes hung on the wall, and if he
-stepped across the sill and reached for them, he knew that he was committing
-himself to destruction.
-		-- George Plimpton
-%
-When I'm gone, boxing will be nothing again.  The fans with the cigars and
-the hats turned down'll be there, but no more housewives and little men in
-the street and foreign presidents.  It's goin' to be back to the fighter who
-comes to town, smells a flower, visits a hospital, blows a horn and says
-he's in shape.  Old hat.  I was the onliest boxer in history people asked
-questions like a senator.
-		-- Muhammad Ali
-%
-When in doubt, lead trump.
-%
-Winning isn't everything, but losing isn't anything.
-%
-Winning isn't everything.  It's the only thing.
-		-- Vince Lombardi
-%
-Woman:      "Is Yoo-Hoo hyphenated?"
-Yogi Berra: "No, ma'am, its not even carbonated."
-%