fortune-teller 0.1.2 → 0.3.0

package/fortunes/law

@@ -1,1260 +0,0 @@
-A blind rabbit was hopping through the woods, tripping over logs and crashing
-into trees.  At the same time, a blind snake was slithering through the same
-forest, with identical results.  They chanced to collide head-on in a clearing.
-	"Please excuse me, sir, I'm blind and I bumped into you accidentally,"
-apologized the rabbit.
-	"That's quite all right," replied the snake, "I have the same
-problem!"
-	"All my life I've been wondering what I am," said the rabbit, "Do
-you think you could help me find out?"
-	"I'll try," said the snake.  He gently coiled himself around the
-rabbit. "Well, you're covered with soft fur, you have a little fluffy tail
-and long ears.  You're... hmmm... you're probably a bunny rabbit!"
-	"Great!" said the rabbit.  "Thanks, I really owe you one!"
-	"Well," replied the snake, "I don't know what I am, either.  Do you
-suppose you could try and tell me?"
-	The rabbit ran his paws all over the snake.  "Well, you're low, cold
-and slimey..."  And, as he ran one paw underneath the snake, "and you have
-no balls.  You must be an attorney!"
-%
-A certain old cat had made his home in the alley behind Gabe's bar for some
-time, subsisting on scraps and occasional handouts from the bartender.  One
-evening, emboldened by hunger, the feline attempted to follow Gabe through
-the back door.  Regrettably, only the his body had made it through when
-the door slammed shut, severing the cat's tail at its base.  This proved too
-much for the old creature, who looked sadly at Gabe and expired on the spot.
-	Gabe put the carcass back out in the alley and went back to business.
-The mandatory closing time arrived and Gabe was in the process of locking up
-after the last customers had gone.  Approaching the back door he was startled
-to see an apparition of the old cat mournfully holding its severed tail out,
-silently pleading for Gabe to put the tail back on its corpse so that it could
-go on to the kitty afterworld complete.
-	Gabe shook his head sadly and said to the ghost, "I can't.  You know
-the law -- no retailing spirits after 2:00 AM."
-%
-A countryman between two lawyers is like a fish between two cats.
-		-- Ben Franklin
-%
-A doctor was stranded with a lawyer in a leaky life raft in shark-infested
-waters. The doctor tried to swim ashore but was eaten by the sharks. The
-lawyer, however, swam safely past the bloodthirsty sharks.  "Professional
-courtesy," he explained.
-%
-A Dublin lawyer died in poverty and many barristers of the city subscribed to
-a fund for his funeral.  The Lord Chief Justice of Orbury was asked to donate
-a shilling.  "Only a shilling?" exclaimed the man. "Only a shilling to bury
-an attorney?  Here's a guinea; go and bury twenty of them."
-%
-A friend of mine won't get a divorce, because he hates lawyers more than he
-hates his wife.
-%
-	A grade school teacher was asking students what their parents did
-for a living.  "Tim, you be first," she said.  "What does your mother do
-all day?"
-	Tim stood up and proudly said, "She's a doctor."
-	"That's wonderful.  How about you, Amie?"
-	Amie shyly stood up, scuffed her feet and said, "My father is a
-mailman."
-	"Thank you, Amie," said the teacher.  "What about your father, Billy?"
-	Billy proudly stood up and announced, "My daddy plays piano in a
-whorehouse."
-	The teacher was aghast and promptly changed the subject to geography.
-Later that day she went to Billy's house and rang the bell.  Billy's father
-answered the door.  The teacher explained what his son had said and demanded
-an explanation.
-	Billy's father replied, "Well, I'm really an attorney.  But how do
-you explain a thing like that to a seven-year-old child?"
-%
-	A housewife, an accountant and a lawyer were asked to add 2 and 2.
-	The housewife replied, "Four!".
-	The accountant said, "It's either 3 or 4.  Let me run those figures
-through my spread sheet one more time."
-	The lawyer pulled the drapes, dimmed the lights and asked in a
-hushed voice, "How much do you want it to be?"
-%
-A jury consists of twelve persons chosen to decide who has the better lawyer.
-		-- Robert Frost
-%
-	A lawyer named Strange was shopping for a tombstone.  After he had
-made his selection, the stonecutter asked him what inscription he
-would like on it.  "Here lies an honest man and a lawyer," responded the
-lawyer.
-	"Sorry, but I can't do that," replied the stonecutter.  "In this
-state, it's against the law to bury two people in the same grave.  However,
-I could put ``here lies an honest lawyer'', if that would be okay."
-	"But that won't let people know who it is" protested the lawyer.
-	"Certainly will," retorted the stonecutter.  "people will read it
-and exclaim, "That's Strange!"
-%
-A Los Angeles judge ruled that "a citizen may snore with immunity in
-his own home, even though he may be in possession of unusual and
-exceptional ability in that particular field."
-%
-	A Los Angeles judge ruled that "a citizen may snore with immunity in
-his own home, even though he may be in possession of unusual and exceptional
-ability in that particular field."
-%
-	A man walked into a bar with his alligator and asked the bartender,
-"Do you serve lawyers here?".
-	"Sure do," replied the bartender.
-	"Good," said the man.  "Give me a beer, and I'll have a lawyer for
-my 'gator."
-%
-	A New York City judge ruled that if two women behind you at the
-movies insist on discussing the probable outcome of the film, you have the
-right to turn around and blow a Bronx cheer at them.
-%
-A New York City ordinance prohibits the shooting of rabbits from the
-rear of a Third Avenue street car -- if the car is in motion.
-%
-A Riverside, California, health ordinance states that two persons may
-not kiss each other without first wiping their lips with carbolized rosewater.
-%
-A small town that cannot support one lawyer can always support two.
-%
-According to Arkansas law, Section 4761, Pope's Digest:  "No person
-shall be permitted under any pretext whatever, to come nearer than
-fifty feet of any door or window of any polling room, from the opening
-of the polls until the completion of the count and the certification of
-the returns."
-%
-According to Kentucky state law, every person must take a bath at least
-once a year.
-%
-After 35 years, I have finished a comprehensive study of European
-comparative law.  In Germany, under the law, everything is prohibited,
-except that which is permitted.  In France, under the law, everything
-is permitted, except that which is prohibited.  In the Soviet Union,
-under the law, everything is prohibited, including that which is
-permitted.  And in Italy, under the law, everything is permitted,
-especially that which is prohibited.
-		-- Newton Minow,
-		Speech to the Association of American Law Schools, 1985
-%
-	After his Ignoble Disgrace, Satan was being expelled from
-Heaven.  As he passed through the Gates, he paused a moment in thought,
-and turned to God and said, "A new creature called Man, I hear, is soon
-to be created."
-	"This is true," He replied.
-	"He will need laws," said the Demon slyly.
-	"What!  You, his appointed Enemy for all Time!  You ask for the
-right to make his laws?"
-	"Oh, no!"  Satan replied, "I ask only that he be allowed to
-make his own."
-	It was so granted.
-		-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
-%
-An amendment to a motion may be amended, but an amendment to an amendment
-to a motion may not be amended.  However, a substitute for an amendment to
-and amendment to a motion may be adopted and the substitute may be amended.
-		-- The Montana legislature's contribution to the English
-		language.
-%
-An attorney was defending his client against a charge of first-degree murder.
-"Your Honor, my client is accused of stuffing his lover's mutilated body into
-a suitcase and heading for the Mexican border.  Just north of Tijuana a cop
-spotted her hand sticking out of the suitcase.  Now, I would like to stress
-that my client is *___not* a murderer.  A sloppy packer, maybe..."
-%
-An English judge, growing weary of the barrister's long-winded summation,
-leaned over the bench and remarked, "I've heard your arguments, Sir
-Geoffrey, and I'm none the wiser!" Sir Geoffrey responded, "That may be,
-Milord, but at least you're better informed!"
-%
-And then there was the lawyer that stepped in cow manure and thought
-he was melting...
-%
-Another day, another dollar.
-		-- Vincent J. Fuller, defense lawyer for John Hinckley,
-		   upon Hinckley's acquittal for shooting President Ronald
-		   Reagan.
-%
-Anti-trust laws should be approached with exactly that attitude.
-%
-Atlanta makes it against the law to tie a giraffe to a telephone pole
-or street lamp.
-%
-Attorney General Edwin Meese III explained why the Supreme Court's Miranda
-decision (holding that subjects have a right to remain silent and have a
-lawyer present during questioning) is unnecessary: "You don't have many
-suspects who are innocent of a crime.  That's contradictory.  If a person
-is innocent of a crime, then he is not a suspect."
-		-- U.S. News and World Report, 10/14/85
-%
-Be frank and explicit with your lawyer ... it is his business to confuse
-the issue afterwards.
-%
-Behold the warranty -- the bold print giveth and the fine print taketh away.
-%
-Being a miner, as soon as you're too old and tired and sick and stupid to
-do your job properly, you have to go, where the very opposite applies with
-the judges.
-		-- Beyond the Fringe
-%
-Between grand theft and a legal fee, there only stands a law degree.
-%
-... but as records of courts and justice are admissible, it can easily be
-proved that powerful and malevolent magicians once existed and were a scourge
-to mankind.  The evidence (including confession) upon which certain women 
-were convicted of witchcraft and executed was without a flaw; it is still 
-unimpeachable.  The judges' decisions based on it were sound in logic and 
-in law.  Nothing in any existing court was ever more thoroughly proved than
-the charges of witchcraft and sorcery for which so many suffered death.  If
-there were no witches, human testimony and human reason are alike destitute
-of value.
-		-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
-%
-Carmel, New York, has an ordinance forbidding men to wear coats and
-trousers that don't match.
-%
-Certain passages in several laws have always defied interpretation and the
-most inexplicable must be a matter of opinion.  A judge of the Court of
-Session of Scotland has sent the editors of this book his candidate which
-reads, "In the Nuts (unground), (other than ground nuts) Order, the expression
-nuts shall have reference to such nuts, other than ground nuts, as would
-but for this amending Order not qualify as nuts (unground) (other than ground
-nuts) by reason of their being nuts (unground)."
-		-- Guiness Book of World Records, 1973
-%
-Chicago law prohibits eating in a place that is on fire.
-%
-Diogenes went to look for an honest lawyer. "How's it going?", someone
-asked him, after a few days.
-	"Not too bad", replied Diogenes. "I still have my lantern."
-%
-[District Attorneys] learn in District Attorney School that there are
-two sure-fire ways to get a lot of favorable publicity:
-
-(1) Go down and raid all the lockers in the local high school and
-    confiscate 53 marijuana cigarettes and put them in a pile and hold
-    a press conference where you announce that they have a street value
-    of $850 million.  These raids never fail, because ALL high schools,
-    including brand-new, never-used ones, have at least 53 marijuana
-    cigarettes in the lockers.  As far as anyone can tell, the locker
-    factory puts them there.
-(2) Raid an "adult book store" and hold a press conference where you
-    announce you are charging the owner with 850 counts of being a
-    piece of human sleaze.  This also never fails, because you always
-    get a conviction.  A juror at a pornography trial is not about to
-    state for the record that he finds nothing obscene about a movie
-    where actors engage in sexual activities with live snakes and a
-    fire extinguisher.  He is going to convict the bookstore owner, and
-    vote for the death penalty just to make sure nobody gets the wrong
-    impression.
-		-- Dave Barry, "Pornography"
-%
-District of Columbia pedestrians who leap over passing autos to escape
-injury, and then strike the car as they come down, are liable for any
-damage inflicted on the vehicle.
-%
-Divorce is a game played by lawyers.
-		-- Cary Grant
-%
-Doctors and lawyers must go to school for years and years, often with
-little sleep and with great sacrifice to their first wives.
-		-- Roy G. Blount, Jr.
-%
-Fights between cats and dogs are prohibited by statute in Barber, North
-Carolina.
-%
-First there was Dial-A-Prayer, then Dial-A-Recipe, and even Dial-A-Footballer.
-But the south-east Victorian town of Sale has produced one to top them all.
-Dial-A-Wombat.
-	It all began early yesterday when Sale police received a telephone
-call: "You won't believe this, and I'm not drunk, but there's a wombat in the
-phone booth outside the town hall," the caller said.
-	Not firmly convinced about the caller's claim to sobriety, members of
-the constabulary drove to the scene, expecting to pick up a drunk.
-	But there it was, an annoyed wombat, trapped in a telephone booth.
-	The wombat, determined not to be had the better of again, threw its
-bulk into the fray. It was eventually lassoed and released in a nearby scrub.
-	Then the officers received another message ... another wombat in
-another phone booth.
-	There it was: *Another* angry wombat trapped in a telephone booth.
-	The constables took the miffed marsupial into temporary custody and
-released it, too, in the scrub.
-	But on their way back to the station they happened to pass another
-telephone booth, and -- you guessed it -- another imprisoned wombat.
-	After some serious detective work, the lads in blue found a suspect,
-and after questioning, released him to be charged on summons.
-	Their problem ... they cannot find a law against placing wombats in
-telephone booths.
-		-- "Newcastle Morning Herald", NSW Australia, Aug 1980.
-%
-For certain people, after fifty, litigation takes the place of sex.
-		-- Gore Vidal
-%
-For three years, the young attorney had been taking his brief
-vacations at this country inn.  The last time he'd finally managed an
-affair with the innkeeper's daughter.  Looking forward to an exciting
-few days, he dragged his suitcase up the stairs of the inn, then stopped
-short.  There sat his lover with an infant on her lap!
-	"Helen, why didn't you write when you learned you were pregnant?"
-he cried.  "I would have rushed up here, we could have gotten married,
-and the baby would have my name!"
-	"Well," she said, "when my folks found out about my condition,
-we sat up all night talkin' and talkin' and finally decided it would be
-better to have a bastard in the family than a lawyer."
-%
-Fortune Documents the Great Legal Decisions:
-
-It is a rule of evidence deduced from the experience of mankind and
-supported by reason and authority that positive testimony is entitled to
-more weight than negative testimony, but by the latter term is meant
-negative testimony in its true sense and not positive evidence of a
-negative, because testimony in support of a negative may be as positive
-as that in support of an affirmative.
-		-- 254 Pac. Rep. 472.
-%
-Fortune Documents the Great Legal Decisions:
-
-We can imagine no reason why, with ordinary care, human toes could not be
-left out of chewing tobacco, and if toes are found in chewing tobacco, it
-seems to us that someone has been very careless.
-		-- 78 So. 365.
-%
-Fortune Documents the Great Legal Decisions:
-
-We think that we may take judicial notice of the fact that the term "bitch"
-may imply some feeling of endearment when applied to a female of the canine
-species but that it is seldom, if ever, so used when applied to a female
-of the human race. Coming as it did, reasonably close on the heels of two
-revolver shots directed at the person of whom it was probably used, we think
-it carries every reasonable implication of ill-will toward that person.
-		-- Smith v. Moran, 193 N.E. 2d 466.
-%
-Fortune's Law of the Week (this week, from Kentucky):
-	No female shall appear in a bathing suit at any airport in this
-State unless she is escorted by two officers or unless she is armed
-with a club.  The provisions of this statute shall not apply to females
-weighing less than 90 pounds nor exceeding 200 pounds, nor shall it
-apply to female horses.
-%
-Fortune's nomination for All-Time Champion and Protector of Youthful
-Morals goes to Representative Clare E. Hoffman of Michigan.  During an
-impassioned House debate over a proposed bill to "expand oyster and
-clam research," a sharp-eared informant transcribed the following
-exchange between our hero and Rep. John D. Dingell, also of Michigan.
-
-DINGELL: There are places in the world at the present time where we are
-	 having to artificially propagate oysters and clams.
-HOFFMAN: You mean the oysters I buy are not nature's oysters?
-DINGELL: They may or may not be natural.  The simple fact of the matter
-	 is that female oysters through their living habits cast out
-	 large amounts of seed and the male oysters cast out large
-	 amounts of fertilization ...
-HOFFMAN: Wait a minute!  I do not want to go into that.  There are many
-	 teenagers who read The Congressional Record.
-%
-Fortune's Real-Life Courtroom Quote #18:
-
-Q:  Are you married?
-A:  No, I'm divorced.
-Q:  And what did your husband do before you divorced him?
-A:  A lot of things I didn't know about.
-%
-Fortune's Real-Life Courtroom Quote #19:
-
-Q:  Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
-A:  All my autopsies have been performed on dead people.
-%
-Fortune's Real-Life Courtroom Quote #25:
-
-Q:  You say you had three men punching at you, kicking you, raping you,
-    and you didn't scream?
-A:  No ma'am.
-Q:  Does that mean you consented?
-A:  No, ma'am.  That means I was unconscious.
-%
-Fortune's Real-Life Courtroom Quote #29:
-
-THE JUDGE: Now, as we begin, I must ask you to banish all present
-	   information and prejudice from your minds, if you have any ...
-%
-Fortune's Real-Life Courtroom Quote #32:
-
-Q:  Do you know how far pregnant you are right now?
-A:  I will be three months November 8th.
-Q:  Apparently then, the date of conception was August 8th?
-A:  Yes.
-Q:  What were you and your husband doing at that time?
-%
-Fortune's Real-Life Courtroom Quote #37:
-
-Q:  Did he pick the dog up by the ears?
-A:  No.
-Q:  What was he doing with the dog's ears?
-A:  Picking them up in the air.
-Q:  Where was the dog at this time?
-A:  Attached to the ears.
-%
-Fortune's Real-Life Courtroom Quote #3:
-
-Q:  When he went, had you gone and had she, if she wanted to and were
-    able, for the time being excluding all the restraints on her not to
-    go, gone also, would he have brought you, meaning you and she, with
-    him to the station?
-MR. BROOKS:  Objection.  That question should be taken out and shot.
-%
-Fortune's Real-Life Courtroom Quote #41:
-
-Q:  Now, Mrs. Johnson, how was your first marriage terminated?
-A:  By death.
-Q:  And by whose death was it terminated?
-%
-Fortune's Real-Life Courtroom Quote #52:
-
-Q:  What is your name?
-A:  Ernestine McDowell.
-Q:  And what is your marital status?
-A:  Fair.
-%
-Fortune's Real-Life Courtroom Quote #7:
-
-Q:  What happened then?
-A:  He told me, he says, "I have to kill you because you can identify me."
-Q:  Did he kill you?
-A:  No.
-%
-Frankfort, Kentucky, makes it against the law to shoot off a policeman's tie.
-%
-"Gentlemen of the jury," said the defense attorney, now beginning
-to warm to his summation, "the real question here before you is, shall this
-beautiful young woman be forced to languish away her loveliest years in a 
-dark prison cell?  Or shall she be set free to return to her cozy little 
-apartment at 4134 Mountain Ave. -- there to spend her lonely, loveless hours
-in her boudoir, lying beside her little Princess phone, 962-7873?"
-%
-Getting kicked out of the American Bar Association is liked getting kicked
-out of the Book-of-the-Month Club.
-		-- Melvin Belli on the occcasion of his getting kicked out
-		   of the American Bar Association
-%
-	God decided to take the devil to court and settle their differences
-once and for all.
-	When Satan heard of this, he grinned and said, "And just where do you
-think you're going to find a lawyer?"
-%
-Good government never depends upon laws, but upon the personal qualities of
-those who govern.  The machinery of government is always subordinate to the
-will of those who administer that machinery.  The most important element of
-government, therefore, is the method of choosing leaders.
-		-- Frank Herbert, "Children of Dune"
-%
-He is no lawyer who cannot take two sides.
-%
-"Hi, I'm Preston A. Mantis, president of Consumers Retail Law Outlet. As you
-can see by my suit and the fact that I have all these books of equal height
-on the shelves behind me, I am a trained legal attorney. Do you have a car
-or a job?  Do you ever walk around?  If so, you probably have the makings of
-an excellent legal case.  Although of course every case is different, I
-would definitely say that based on my experience and training, there's no
-reason why you shouldn't come out of this thing with at least a cabin
-cruiser.
-
-"Remember, at the Preston A. Mantis Consumers Retail Law Outlet, our motto
-is: 'It is very difficult to disprove certain kinds of pain.'"
-		-- Dave Barry, "Pain and Suffering"
-%
-	Horses are forbidden to eat fire hydrants in Marshalltown, Iowa.
-%
-	How do you insult a lawyer?
-	You might as well not even try.  Consider: of all the highly
-trained and educated professions, law is the only one in which the prime
-lesson is that *winning* is more important than *truth*.
-	Once someone has sunk to that level, what worse can you say about them?
-%
-HR 3128.  Omnibus Budget Reconciliation, Fiscal 1986.  Martin, R-Ill., motion
-that the House recede from its disagreement to the Senate amendment making
-changes in the bill to reduce fiscal 1986 deficits.  The Senate amendment
-was an amendment to the House amendment to the Senate amendment to the House
-amendment to the Senate amendment to the bill.  The original Senate amendment
-was the conference agreement on the bill.  Agreed to.
-		-- Albuquerque Journal
-%
-Humor in th Court:
-Q: Do you drink when you're on duty?
-A: I don't drink when I'm on duty, unless I come on duty drunk.
-%
-Humor in the Court:
-Q.  And lastly, Gary, all your responses must be oral.  O.K.? What school do 
-    you go to?
-A.  Oral.
-Q.  How old are you?
-A.  Oral.
-%
-Humor in the Court:
-Q.  And who is this person you are speaking of?
-A.  My ex-widow said it.
-%
-Humor in the Court:
-Q.  Did you ever stay all night with this man in New York?
-A.  I refuse to answer that question.
-Q.  Did you ever stay all night with this man in Chicago?
-A.  I refuse to answer that question.
-Q.  Did you ever stay all night with this man in Miami?
-A.  No.
-%
-Humor in the Court:
-Q.  Doctor, did you say he was shot in the woods?
-A.  No, I said he was shot in the lumbar region.
-%
-Humor in the Court:
-Q.  How did you happen to go to Dr. Cherney?
-A.  Well, a gal down the road had had several of her children by Dr. Cherney, 
-    and said he was really good.
-%
-Humor in the Court:
-Q.  Mrs. Jones, is your appearance this morning pursuant to a deposition 
-    notice which I sent to your attorney?
-A.  No.  This is how I dress when I go to work.
-%
-Humor in the Court:
-Q.  Mrs. Smith, do you believe that you are emotionally unstable?
-A.  I should be.
-Q.  How many times have you comitted suicide?
-A.  Four times.
-%
-Humor in the Court:
-Q.  Officer, what led you to believe the defendant was under the influence?
-A.  Because he was argumentary and he couldn't pronunciate his words.
-%
-Humor in the Court:
-Q.  Were you aquainted with the deceased?
-A.  Yes, sir.
-Q.  Before or after he died?
-%
-Humor in the Court:
-Q.  What is your brother-in-law's name?
-A.  Borofkin.
-Q.  What's his first name?
-A.  I can't remember.
-Q.  He's been your brother-in-law for years, and you can't remember his first 
-    name?
-A.  No.  I tell you I'm too excited. (Rising from the witness chair and
-    pointing to Mr. Borofkin.) Nathan, for God's sake, tell them your first
-    name!
-%
-Humor in the Court:
-Q: (Showing man picture.) That's you?
-A: Yes, sir.
-Q: And you were present when the picture was taken, right?
-%
-Humor in the Court:
-Q: ...and what did he do then?
-A: He came home, and next morning he was dead.
-Q: So when he woke up the next morning he was dead?
-%
-Humor in the Court:
-Q: ...any suggestions as to what prevented this from being a murder trial 
-   instead of an attempted murder trial?
-A: The victim lived.
-%
-Humor in the Court:
-Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
-A: Yes, I have been since early childhood.
-%
-Humor in the Court:
-Q: Are you sexually active?
-A: No, I just lie there.
-%
-Humor in the Court:
-Q: Could you see him from where you were standing?
-A: I could see his head.
-Q: And where was his head?
-A: Just above his shoulders.
-%
-Humor in the Court:
-Q: Did you tell your lawyer that your husband had offered you indignities?
-A: He didn't offer me nothing; he just said I could have the furniture.
-%
-Humor in the Court:
-Q: Now, you have investigated other murders, have you not, where there was
-   a victim?
-%
-Humor in the Court:
-Q: So, after the anesthesia, when you came out of it, what did you observe
-   with respect to your scalp?
-A: I didn't see my scalp the whole time I was in the hospital.
-Q: It was covered?
-A: Yes, bandaged.
-Q: Then, later on.. what did you see?
-A: I had a skin graft. My whole buttocks and leg were removed and put on top
-   of my head.
-%
-Humor in the Court:
-Q: The truth of the matter is that you were not an unbiased, objective 
-   witness, isn't it. You too were shot in the fracas?
-A: No, sir. I was shot midway between the fracas and the naval.
-%
-Humor in the Court:
-Q: What can you tell us about the truthfulness and veracity of this defendant?
-A: Oh, she will tell the truth. She said she'd kill that sonofabitch--and 
-   she did!
-%
-Humor in the Court:
-Q: What is the meaning of sperm being present?
-A: It indicates intercourse.
-Q: Male sperm?
-A. That is the only kind I know.
-%
-Humor in the Court:
-Q: What is your relationship with the plaintiff?
-A: She is my daughter.
-Q: Was she your daughter on February 13, 1979?
-%
-I need another lawyer like I need another hole in my head.
-		-- Fratianno
-%
-I remember when legal used to mean lawful, now it means some
-kind of loophole.
-		-- Leo Kessler
-%
-I suppose some of the variation between Boston drivers and the rest of the
-country is due to the progressive Massachusetts Driver Education Manual which
-I happen to have in my top desk drawer.  Some of the Tips for Better Driving
-are worth considering, to wit:
-
-[110.13]:
-       "When traveling on a one-way street, stay to the right, so as not
-        to interfere with oncoming traffic."
-
-[22.17b]:
-       "Learning to change lanes takes time and patience.  The best
-        recommendation that can be made is to go to a Celtics [basketball]
-        game; study the fast break and then go out and practice it
-        on the highway."
-
-[41.16]:
-       "Never bump a baby carriage out of a crosswalk unless the kid's really
-        asking for it."
-%
-I suppose some of the variation between Boston drivers and the rest of the
-country is due to the progressive Massachusetts Driver Education Manual which
-I happen to have in my top desk drawer.  Some of the Tips for Better Driving
-are worth considering, to wit:
-
-[131.16d]:
-       "Directional signals are generally not used except during vehicle
-        inspection; however, a left-turn signal is appropriate when making
-        a U-turn on a divided highway."
-
-[96.7b]:
-       "When paying tolls, remember that it is necessary to release the
-        quarter a full 3 seconds before passing the basket if you are
-        traveling more than 60 MPH."
-
-[110.13]:
-       "When traveling on a one-way street, stay to the right, so as not
-        to interfere with oncoming traffic."
-%
-I suppose some of the variation between Boston drivers and the rest of the
-country is due to the progressive Massachusetts Driver Education Manual which
-I happen to have in my top desk drawer.  Some of the Tips for Better Driving
-are worth considering, to wit:
-
-[173.15b]:
-	"When competing for a section of road or a parking space, remember
-        that the vehicle in need of the most body work has the right-of-way."
-
-[141.2a]:
-       "Although it is altogether possible to fit a 6' car into a 6'
-        parking space, it is hardly ever possible to fit a 6' car into
-        a 5' parking space."
-
-[105.31]:
-       "Teenage drivers believe that they are immortal, and drive accordingly.
-        Nevertheless, you should avoid the temptation to prove them wrong."
-%
-I value kindness to human beings first of all, and kindness to animals.  I
-don't respect the law; I have a total irreverence for anything connected
-with society except that which makes the roads safer, the beer stronger,
-the food cheaper, and old men and women warmer in the winter, and happier
-in the summer.
-		-- Brendan Behan
-%
-	Idaho state law makes it illegal for a man to give his sweetheart
-a box of candy weighing less than fifty pounds.
-%
-If a jury in a criminal trial stays out for more than twenty-four hours, it
-is certain to vote acquittal, save in those instances where it votes guilty.
-		-- Joseph C. Goulden
-%
-If a man stay away from his wife for seven years, the law presumes the
-separation to have killed him; yet according to our daily experience,
-it might well prolong his life.
-		-- Charles Darling, "Scintillae Juris, 1877
-%
-"If once a man indulges himself in murder, very soon he comes to think
-little of robbing; and from robbing he next comes to drinking and
-Sabbath-breaking, and from that to incivility and procrastination."
-		-- Thomas De Quincey (1785 - 1859)
-%
-If reporters don't know that truth is plural, they ought to be lawyers.
-		-- Tom Wicker
-%
-If there were a school for, say, sheet metal workers, that after three
-years left its graduates as unprepared for their careers as does law
-school, it would be closed down in a minute, and no doubt by lawyers.
-		-- Michael Levin, "The Socratic Method
-%
-	In "King Henry VI, Part II," Shakespeare has Dick Butcher suggest to
-his fellow anti-establishment rabble-rousers, "The first thing we do, let's
-kill all the lawyers."  That action may be extreme but a similar sentiment
-was expressed by Thomas K. Connellan, president of The Management Group, Inc.
-Speaking to business executives in Chicago and quoted in Automotive News,
-Connellan attributed a measure of America's falling productivity to an excess
-of attorneys and accountants, and a dearth of production experts.  Lawyers
-and accountants "do not make the economic pie any bigger; they only figure
-out how the pie gets divided.  Neither profession provides any added value
-to product."
-	According to Connellan, the highly productive Japanese society has
-10 lawyers and 30 accountants per 100,000 population.  The U.S. has 200
-lawyers and 700 accountants.  This suggests that "the U.S. proportion of
-pie-bakers and pie-dividers is way out of whack."  Could Dick Butcher have
-been an efficiency expert?
-		-- Motor Trend, May 1983
-%
-In Blythe, California, a city ordinance declares that a person must own
-at least two cows before he can wear cowboy boots in public.
-%
-In Boston, it is illegal to hold frog-jumping contests in nightclubs.
-%
-In Columbia, Pennsylvania, it is against the law for a pilot to tickle
-a female flying student under her chin with a feather duster in order
-to get her attention.
-%
-In Corning, Iowa, it's a misdemeanor for a man to ask his wife to ride
-in any motor vehicle.
-%
-In Denver it is unlawful to lend your vacuum cleaner to your next-door neighbor.
-%
-In Devon, Connecticut, it is unlawful to walk backwards after sunset.
-%
-In Greene, New York, it is illegal to eat peanuts and walk backwards on
-the sidewalks when a concert is on.
-%
-In Lexington, Kentucky, it's illegal to carry an ice cream cone in your pocket.
-%
-In Lowes Crossroads, Delaware, it is a violation of local law for any
-pilot or passenger to carry an ice cream cone in their pocket while
-either flying or waiting to board a plane.
-%
-	In Memphis, Tennessee, it is illegal for a woman to drive a car unless
-there is a man either running or walking in front of it waving a red
-flag to warn approaching motorists and pedestrians.
-%
-In Ohio, if you ignore an orator on Decoration day to such an extent as
-to publicly play croquet or pitch horseshoes within one mile of the
-speaker's stand, you can be fined $25.00.
-%
-In Pocataligo, Georgia, it is a violation for a woman over 200 pounds
-and attired in shorts to pilot or ride in an airplane.
-%
-In Pocatello, Idaho, a law passed in 1912 provided that "The carrying
-of concealed weapons is forbidden, unless same are exhibited to public view."
-%
-In Seattle, Washington, it is illegal to carry a concealed weapon that
-is over six feet in length.
-%
-In Tennessee, it is illegal to shoot any game other than whales from a
-moving automobile.
-%
-In the olden days in England, you could be hung for stealing a sheep or a
-loaf of bread.  However, if a sheep stole a loaf of bread and gave it to
-you, you would only be tried for receiving, a crime punishable by forty
-lashes with the cat or the dog, whichever was handy.  If you stole a dog
-and were caught, you were punished with twelve rabbit punches, although it
-was hard to find rabbits big enough or strong enough to punch you.
-		-- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"
-%
-In Tulsa, Oklahoma, it is against the law to open a soda bottle without
-the supervision of a licensed engineer.
-%
-In West Union, Ohio, No married man can go flying without his spouse
-along at any time, unless he has been married for more than 12 months.
-%
-It has long been noticed that juries are pitiless for robbery and full of
-indulgence for infanticide.  A question of interest, my dear Sir!  The jury
-is afraid of being robbed and has passed the age when it could be a victim
-of infanticide.
-		-- Edmond About
-%
-It is against the law for a monster to enter the corporate limits of
-Urbana, Illinois.
-%
-It is illegal to drive more than two thousand sheep down Hollywood
-Boulevard at one time.
-%
-It is illegal to say "Oh, Boy" in Jonesboro, Georgia.
-%
-It is Mr. Mellon's credo that $200,000,000 can do no wrong.  Our
-offense consists in doubting it.
-		-- Justice Robert H. Jackson
-%
-It is Texas law that when two trains meet each other at a railroad crossing,
-each shall come to a full stop, and neither shall proceed until the other
-has gone.
-%
-	It seems these two guys, George and Harry, set out in a Hot Air
-balloon to cross the United States.  After forty hours in the air, George
-turned to Harry, and said, "Harry, I think we've drifted off course!  We
-need to find out where we are."
-	Harry cools the air in the balloon, and they descend to below the
-cloud cover.  Slowly drifting over the countryside, George spots a man
-standing below them and yells out, "Excuse me!  Can you please tell me
-where we are?"
-	The man on the ground yells back, "You're in a balloon, approximately
-fifty feet in the air!"
-	George turns to Harry and says, "Well, that man *must* be a lawyer".
-	Replies Harry, "How can you tell?".
-	"Because the information he gave us is 100% accurate, and totally
-useless!"
-
-That's the end of The Joke, but for you people who are still worried about
-George and Harry: they end up in the drink, and make the front page of the
-New York Times: "Balloonists Soaked by Lawyer".
-%
-It shall be unlawful for any suspicious person to be within the municipality.
-		-- Local ordinance, Euclid Ohio
-%
-It's illegal in Wilbur, Washington, to ride an ugly horse.
-%
-It's recently come to Fortune's attention that scientists have stopped
-using laboratory rats in favor of attorneys.  Seems that there are not
-only more of them, but you don't get so emotionally attached.  The only
-difficulty is that it's sometimes difficult to apply the experimental
-results to humans.
-
-	[Also, there are some things even a rat won't do.  Ed.]
-%
-Judges, as a class, display, in the matter of arranging alimony, that
-reckless generosity which is found only in men who are giving away
-someone else's cash.
-		-- P.G. Wodehouse, "Louder and Funnier"
-%
-Just remember: when you go to court, you are trusting your fate to
-twelve people that weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty!
-%
-Kansas state law requires pedestrians crossing the highways at night to
-wear tail lights.
-%
-Kirkland, Illinois, law forbids bees to fly over the village or through
-any of its streets.
-%
-Know how to save 5 drowning lawyers?
-
--- No?
-
-GOOD!
-%
-Laws are like sausages.  It's better not to see them being made.
-		-- Otto von Bismarck
-%
-Legislation proposed in the Illinois State Legislature, May, 1907:
-	"Speed upon county roads will be limited to ten miles an hour
-unless the motorist sees a bailiff who does not appear to have had a
-drink in 30 days, when the driver will be permitted to make what he can."
-%
-Let us remember that ours is a nation of lawyers and order.
-%
-Let's say your wedding ring falls into your toaster, and when you stick
-your hand in to retrieve it, you suffer Pain and Suffering as well as
-Mental Anguish.  You would sue:
-
-* The toaster manufacturer, for failure to include, in the instructions
-  section that says you should never never never ever stick you hand
-  into the toaster, the statement "Not even if your wedding ring falls
-  in there".
-
-* The store where you bought the toaster, for selling it to an obvious
-  cretin like yourself.
-
-* Union Carbide Corporation, which is not directly responsible in this
-  case, but which is feeling so guilty that it would probably send you
-  a large cash settlement anyway.
-		-- Dave Barry
-%
-... Logically incoherent, semantically incomprehensible, and legally ... 
-impeccable!
-%
-Loud burping while walking around the airport is prohibited in Halstead, Kansas.
-%
-Marijuana will be legal some day, because the many law students
-who now smoke pot will someday become congressmen and legalize
-it in order to protect themselves.
-		-- Lenny Bruce
-%
-Men often believe -- or pretend -- that the "Law" is something sacred, or
-at least a science -- an unfounded assumption very convenient to governments.
-%
-Minors in Kansas City, Missouri, are not allowed to purchase cap pistols;
-they may buy shotguns freely, however.
-%
-Never put off until tomorrow what you can do today.  There might be a
-law against it by that time.
-%
-NEVER swerve to hit a lawyer riding a bicycle -- it might be your bicycle.
-%
-New Hampshire law forbids you to tap your feet, nod your head, or in
-any way keep time to the music in a tavern, restaurant, or cafe.
-%
-Of ______course it's the murder weapon.  Who would frame someone with a fake?
-%
-	Old Barlow was a crossing-tender at a junction where an express train
-demolished an automobile and its occupants. Being the chief witness, his
-testimony was vitally important. Barlow explained that the night was dark,
-and he waved his lantern frantically, but the driver of the car paid
-no attention to the signal.
-	The railroad company won the case, and the president of the company
-complimented the old-timer for his story. "You did wonderfully," he said,
-"I was afraid you would waver under testimony."
-	"No sir," exclaimed the senior, "but I sure was afraid that durned
-lawyer was gonna ask me if my lantern was lit."
-%
-Once he had one leg in the White House and the nation trembled under his 
-roars.  Now he is a tinpot pope in the Coca-Cola belt and a brother to the
-forlorn pastors who belabor halfwits in galvanized iron tabernacles behind
-the railroad yards."
-		-- H.L. Mencken, writing of William Jennings Bryan,
-		   counsel for the supporters of Tennessee's anti-evolution
-		   law at the Scopes "Monkey Trial" in 1925.
-%
-... Our second completely true news item was sent to me by Mr. H. Boyce
-Connell Jr. of Atlanta, Ga., where he is involved in a law firm.  One thing
-I like about the South is, folks there care about tradition.  If somebody
-gets handed a name like "H. Boyce," he hangs on to it, puts it on his legal
-stationery, even passes it to his son, rather than do what a lesser person
-would do, such as get it changed or kill himself.
-		-- Dave Barry, "This Column is Nothing but the Truth!"
-%
-			Pittsburgh driver's test
-			
-(10) Potholes are
-
-	(a) extremely dangerous.
-	(b) patriotic.
-	(c) the fault of the previous administration.
-	(d) all going to be fixed next summer.
-
-The correct answer is (b). Potholes destroy unpatriotic, unamerican,
-imported cars, since the holes are larger than the cars.  If you drive a
-big, patriotic, American car you have nothing to worry about.
-%
-			Pittsburgh driver's test
-
-(2) A traffic light at an intersection changes from yellow to red, you should
-
-	(a) stop immediately.
-	(b) proceed slowly through the intersection.
-	(c) blow the horn.
-	(d) floor it.
-
-The correct answer is (d). If you said (c), you were almost right, so
-give yourself a half point.
-%
-			Pittsburgh driver's test
-
-(3) When stopped at an intersection you should
-
-	(a) watch the traffic light for your lane.
-	(b) watch for pedestrians crossing the street.
-	(c) blow the horn.
-	(d) watch the traffic light for the intersecting street.
-
-The correct answer is (d). You need to start as soon as the traffic light
-for the intersecting street turns yellow. Answer (c) is worth a half point.
-%
-			Pittsburgh driver's test
-
-(4) Exhaust gas is
-
-	(a) beneficial.
-	(b) not harmful.
-	(c) toxic.
-	(d) a punk band.
-
-The correct answer is (b). The meddling Washington eco-freak communist
-bureaucrats who say otherwise are liars.  (Message to those who answered (d).
-Go back to California where you came from.  Your kind are not welcome here.)
-%
-			Pittsburgh driver's test
-
-(5) Your car's horn is a vital piece of safety equipment.  How often should
-you test it?
-
-	(a) once a year.
-	(b) once a month.
-	(c) once a day.
-	(d) once an hour.
-
-The correct answer is (d). You should test your car's horn at least once
-every hour, and more often at night or in residential neighborhoods.
-%
-			Pittsburgh Driver's Test
-
-(7) The car directly in front of you has a flashing right tail light
-    but a steady left tail light.  This means
-
-	(a) one of the tail lights is broken; you should blow your horn
-	    to call the problem to the driver's attention.
-	(b) the driver is signaling a right turn.
-	(c) the driver is signaling a left turn.
-	(d) the driver is from out of town.
-
-The correct answer is (d).  Tail lights are used in some foreign
-countries to signal turns.
-%
-			Pittsburgh Driver's Test
-
-(8) Pedestrians are
-
-	(a) irrelevant.
-	(b) communists.
-	(c) a nuisance.
-	(d) difficult to clean off the front grille.
-
-The correct answer is (a).  Pedestrians are not in cars, so they are
-totally irrelevant to driving; you should ignore them completely.
-%
-			Pittsburgh driver's test
-
-(9) Roads are salted in order to
-
-	(a) kill grass.
-	(b) melt snow.
-	(c) help the economy.
-	(d) prevent potholes.
-
-The correct answer is (c). Road salting employs thousands of persons
-directly, and millions more indirectly, for example, salt miners and
-rustproofers.  Most important, salting reduces the life spans of cars,
-thus stimulating the car and steel industries.
-%
-She cried, and the judge wiped her tears with my checkbook.
-		-- Tommy Manville
-%
-Sho' they got to have it against the law.  Shoot, ever'body git high,
-they wouldn't be nobody git up and feed the chickens.  Hee-hee.
-		-- Terry Southern
-%
-Some men are heterosexual, and some are bisexual, and some men don't think
-about sex at all... they become lawyers.
-		-- Woody Allen
-%
-Some of the most interesting documents from Sweden's middle ages are the
-old county laws (well, we never had counties but it's the nearest equivalent
-I can find for "landskap").  These laws were written down sometime in the
-13th century, but date back even down into Viking times.  The oldest one is
-the Vastgota law which clearly has pagan influences, thinly covered with some
-Christian stuff.  In this law, we find a page about "lekare", which is the
-Old Norse word for a performing artist, actor/jester/musician etc.  Here is
-an approximate translation, where I have written "artist" as equivalent of
-"lekare".
-	"If an artist is beaten, none shall pay fines for it.  If an artist
-	is wounded, one such who goes with hurdie-gurdie or travels with
-	fiddle or drum, then the people shall take a wild heifer and bring
-	it out on the hillside.  Then they shall shave off all hair from the
-	heifer's tail, and grease the tail.  Then the artist shall be given
-	newly greased shoes.  Then he shall take hold of the heifer's tail,
-	and a man shall strike it with a sharp whip.  If he can hold her, he
-	shall have the animal.  If he cannot hold her, he shall endure what
-	he received, shame and wounds."
-%
-Sometimes a man who deserves to be looked down upon because he is a
-fool is despised only because he is a lawyer.
-		-- Montesquieu
-%
-Texas law forbids anyone to have a pair of pliers in his possession.
-%
-The animals are not as stupid as one thinks -- they have neither
-doctors nor lawyers.
-		-- L. Docquier
-%
-	The Arkansas legislature passed a law that states that the Arkansas
-River can rise no higher than to the Main Street bridge in Little Rock.
-%
-The City of Palo Alto, in its official description of parking lot standards,
-specifies the grade of wheelchair access ramps in terms of centimeters of
-rise per foot of run.  A compromise, I imagine...
-%
-The difference between a lawyer and a rooster is that
-the rooster gets up in the morning and clucks defiance.
-%
-The District of Columbia has a law forbidding you to exert pressure on
-a balloon and thereby cause a whistling sound on the streets.
-%
-	The judge fined the jaywalker fifty dollars and told him if he was
-caught again, he would be thrown in jail.  Fine today, cooler tomorrow.
-%
-The justifications for drug testing are part of the presently fashionable
-debate concerning restoring America's "competitiveness." Drugs, it has been
-revealed, are responsible for rampant absenteeism, reduced output, and poor
-quality work.  But is drug testing in fact rationally related to the
-resurrection of competitiveness?  Will charging the atmosphere of the
-workplace with the fear of excretory betrayal honestly spur productivity?
-Much noise has been made about rehabilitating the worker using drugs, but
-to date the vast majority of programs end with the simple firing or the not
-hiring of the abuser.  This practice may exacerbate, not alleviate, the
-nation's productivity problem.  If economic rehabilitation is the ultimate
-goal of drug testing, then criteria abandoning the rehabilitation of the
-drug-using worker is the purest of hypocrisy and the worst of rationalization.
-		-- The concluding paragraph of "Constitutional Law: The
-		   Fourth Amendment and Drug Testing in the Workplace,"
-		   Tim Moore, Harvard Journal of Law & Public Policy, vol.
-		   10, No. 3 (Summer 1987), pp. 762-768.
-%
-The Law, in its majestic equality, forbids the rich, as well as the poor,
-to sleep under the bridges, to beg in the streets, and to steal bread.
-		-- Anatole France
-%
-The lawgiver, of all beings, most owes the law allegiance.  He of all men
-should behave as though the law compelled him.  But it is the universal
-weakness of mankind that what we are given to administer we presently imagine
-we own.
-		-- H.G. Wells
-%
-The Least Successful Equal Pay Advertisement
-	In 1976 the European Economic Community pointed out to the Irish
-Government that it had not yet implemented the agreed sex equality
-legislation.  The Dublin Government immediately advertised for an equal pay
-enforcement officer.  The advertisement offered different salary scales for
-men and women.
-		-- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures"
-%
-The penalty for laughing in a courtroom is six months in jail; if it
-were not for this penalty, the jury would never hear the evidence.
-		-- H. L. Mencken
-%
-The powers not delegated to the United States by the Constitution, nor
-prohibited by it to the States, are reserved to the States respectively,
-or to the people.
-		-- U.S. Constitution, Amendment 10. (Bill of Rights)
-%
-The primary requisite for any new tax law is for it to exempt enough
-voters to win the next election.
-%
-The state law of Pennsylvania prohibits singing in the bathtub.
-%
-The Worst Jury
-	A murder trial at Manitoba in February 1978 was well advanced, when
-one juror revealed that he was completely deaf and did not have the
-remotest clue what was happening.
-	The judge, Mr. Justice Solomon, asked him if he had heard any
-evidence at all and, when there was no reply, dismissed him.
-	The excitement which this caused was only equalled when a second
-juror revealed that he spoke not a word of English.  A fluent French
-speaker, he exhibited great surprised when told, after two days, that he
-was hearing a murder trial.
-	The trial was abandoned when a third juror said that he suffered
-from both conditions, being simultaneously unversed in the English language
-and nearly as deaf as the first juror.
-	The judge ordered a retrial.
-		-- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures"
-%
-There is a Massachusetts law requiring all dogs to have their hind legs
-tied during the month of April.
-%
-There is no better way of exercising the imagination than the study of law.
-No poet ever interpreted nature as freely as a lawyer interprets truth.
-		-- Jean Giraudoux, "Tiger at the Gates"
-%
-There is no doubt that my lawyer is honest.  For example, when he
-filed his income tax return last year, he declared half of his salary
-as 'unearned income.'
-		-- Michael Lara
-%
-"There was an interesting development in the CBS-Westmoreland trial:
-both sides agreed that after the trial, Andy Rooney would be allowed to
-talk to the jury for three minutes about little things that annoyed him
-during the trial."
-		-- David Letterman
-%
-There's no justice in this world.
-		-- Frank Costello, on the prosecution of "Lucky" Luciano by
-		   New York district attorney Thomas Dewey after Luciano had
-		   saved Dewey from assassination by Dutch Schultz (by ordering
-		   the assassination of Schultz instead)
-%
-This product is meant for educational purposes only.  Any resemblance to real
-persons, living or dead is purely coincidental.  Void where prohibited.  Some
-assembly may be required.  Batteries not included.  Contents may settle during
-shipment.  Use only as directed.  May be too intense for some viewers.  If
-condition persists, consult your physician.  No user-serviceable parts inside.
-Breaking seal constitutes acceptance of agreement.  Not responsible for direct,
-indirect, incidental or consequential damages resulting from any defect, error
-or failure to perform.  Slippery when wet.  For office use only.  Substantial
-penalty for early withdrawal.  Do not write below this line.  Your cancelled
-check is your receipt.  Avoid contact with skin.  Employees and their families
-are not eligible.  Beware of dog.  Driver does not carry cash.  Limited time
-offer, call now to insure prompt delivery.  Use only in well-ventilated area.
-Keep away from fire or flame.  Some equipment shown is optional.  Price does
-not include taxes, dealer prep, or delivery.  Penalty for private use.  Call
-toll free before digging.  Some of the trademarks mentioned in this product
-appear for identification purposes only.  All models over 18 years of age.  Do
-not use while operating a motor vehicle or heavy equipment.  Postage will be
-paid by addressee.  Apply only to affected area.  One size fits all.  Many
-suitcases look alike.  Edited for television.  No solicitors.  Reproduction
-strictly prohibited.  Restaurant package, not for resale.  Objects in mirror
-are closer than they appear.  Decision of judges is final.  This supersedes
-all previous notices.  No other warranty expressed or implied.
-%
-Virginia law forbids bathtubs in the house; tubs must be kept in the yard.
-%
-We may not like doctors, but at least they doctor.  Bankers are not ever
-popular but at least they bank.  Policeman police and undertakers take
-under.  But lawyers do not give us law.  We receive not the gladsome light
-of jurisprudence, but rather precedents, objections, appeals, stays,
-filings and forms, motions and counter-motions, all at $250 an hour.
-		-- Nolo News, summer 1989
-%
-We should realize that a city is better off with bad laws, so long as they 
-remain fixed, then with good laws that are constantly being altered, that
-the lack of learning combined with sound common sense is more helpful than
-the kind of cleverness that gets out of hand, and that as a general rule,
-states are better governed by the man in the street than by intellectuals.
-These are the sort of people who want to appear wiser than the laws, who
-want to get their own way in every general discussion, because they feel that
-they cannot show off their intelligence in matters of greater importance, and
-who, as a result, very often bring ruin on their country.
-		-- Cleon, Thucydides, III, 37 translation by Rex Warner
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-Welcome to Utah.
-If you think our liquor laws are funny, you should see our underwear!
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-What do you have when you have six lawyers buried up to their necks in sand?
-Not enough sand.
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-When alerted to an intrusion by tinkling glass or otherwise, 1) Calm
-yourself 2) Identify the intruder 3) If hostile, kill him.
-
-Step number 3 is of particular importance.  If you leave the guy alive
-out of misguided softheartedness, he will repay your generosity of spirit
-by suing you for causing his subsequent paraplegia and seek to force you
-to support him for the rest of his rotten life.  In court he will plead
-that he was depressed because society had failed him, and that he was
-looking for Mother Teresa for comfort and to offer his services to the
-poor.  In that lawsuit, you will lose.  If, on the other hand, you kill
-him, the most that you can expect is that a relative will bring a wrongful
-death action. You will have two advantages: first, there be only your
-story; forget Mother Teresa.  Second, even if you lose, how much could
-the bum's life be worth anyway?  A Lot less than 50 years worth of
-paralysis.  Don't play George Bush and Saddam Hussein.  Finish the job.
-	-- G. Gordon Liddy's "Forbes" column on personal security
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-Where it is a duty to worship the sun it is pretty sure to be a crime to
-examine the laws of heat.
-		-- Christopher Morley
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-Why does a hearse horse snicker, hauling a lawyer away?
-		-- Carl Sandburg
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-Why does New Jersey have more toxic waste dumps and California have
-more lawyers?
-
-New Jersey had first choice.
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-With Congress, every time they make a joke it's a law; and every time
-they make a law it's a joke.
-		-- Will Rogers
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