fortune-teller 0.1.2 → 0.3.0

package/fortunes/off/unrotated/misandry

@@ -1,83 +0,0 @@
-A male gynecologist is like an auto mechanic who has never owned a car.
-		-- Carrie Snow
-%
-A male mathematician is someone who can count to twenty-one without
-unzipping his fly.
-%
-A man who cannot seduce men cannot save them either.
-		-- Soren Kierkegaard
-%
-A man without a woman is like a fish without gills.
-%
-A woman's a woman until the day she dies, but a man's only a man as long
-as he can.
-		-- Moms Mabley
-%
-Being a woman is a terribly difficult trade, since it consists principally
-of dealings with men.
-		-- Conrad
-%
-Does he treat your breasts like unripe grapefruit?  Who needs him?
-		-- `J', "The Sensuous Woman"
-%
-Don't accept rides from strange men -- and remember that all men are strange
-as hell.
-		-- Robin Morgan, "Sisterhood Is Powerful"
-%
-If men could get pregnant, abortion would be a sacrament.
-%
-If men couldn't fuck there'd be a bounty on their heads.
-%
-If they sent one man to the moon, why can't they send them all?
-%
-If you catch a man, throw him back.
-		-- Woman's Liberation Slogan, c. 1975
-%
-Lysistrata had a good idea.
-%
-Men -- can't live with 'em, can't leave 'em by the curb when you're done.
-%
-Men will fuck mud.
-		-- Lenny Bruce
-%
-Most men would never get laid if it weren't for the pity fuck.
-%
-The only one of your children who does not grow up and move away
-is your husband.
-%
-The sex life of spiders is very interesting.
-He fucks her.
-She bites his head off.
-		-- From a Women's Lib Poster
-%
-There are three women on the fast track in a particular company.  The
-president realizes it's time to promote one of them, but they're all so
-competent that he's not sure which one to choose.  So he devises a little
-test.  One day while they're all at lunch, he places $500 on each of their
-desks.  #1 returns it to him immediately.  #2 pockets it.  #3 invests
-in the market and returns $1,500 to him in the morning.  Who gets the
-promotion?  The one with the big tits!
-%
-Upon leaving a hotel bar one evening, an executive noticed a drunk sitting
-on the edge of a potted palm in the lobby, crying like a baby.  Because he'd
-had a couple himself that night, and was feeling rather sorry for his fellow
-man, he asked the inebriated one what the trouble was.
-	"I did a terrible thing tonight," sniffled the drunk.  "I sold my
-wife to a guy for a bottle of Scotch."
-	"That is terrible," said the man, too much under the weather to 
-muster any real indignation.  "And now that she's gone, you wish you had her
-back."
-	"Thas right," said the drunk, still sniffling.
-	"You're sorry you sold her, because you realize too late that you
-love her," sympathized the executive.
-	"No, no," said the drunk.  "I wish I had her back because I'm
-thirsty again."
-%
-War is menstruation envy.
-%
-When God created man, She was only testing.
-%
-You know the Norplant thing?  It's a new birth control device for women.
-It's a cartridge, that goes in your arm.  Well, they're coming out with
-a new one for men: it's a brain, that goes in your head.
-%

package/fortunes/off/unrotated/miscellaneous

@@ -1,330 +0,0 @@
-A game can by God repent or we'll punish it.
-That's how they did it in Salem in the seventeenth century,
-and that's how we'll do it now.
-		-- Dick Hamlet
-%
-America, I'm putting my queer shoulder to the wheel.
-		-- Allen Ginsberg
-%
-An Army travels on her stomach.
-%
-Being a woman is of special interest only to aspiring male transsexuals.
-To actual women it is merely a good excuse not to play football.
-		-- Fran Lebowitz, "Metropolitan Life"
-%
-Beware of altruism.  It is based on self-deception, the root of all evil.
-%
-Bringing your mate to a convention is like taking a game warden hunting.
-%
-Britain has lowered the tax on chastity belts by about 60 cents each...
-[reclassifying them] as a safety device rather than... clothing
-		-- NY Times
-%
-But sex and drugs and rock & roll, why, they'd bring our blackest day.
-%
-Clark Kent is a transvestite.
-%
-Dad," the 13-year-old boy asked, looking up from his social-studies text,
-"what did you do during the sexual revolution?"
-
-"Well, son," his father confided, "I guess you could say I was captured
-early and spent the duration doing the dishes."
-%
-Don't cook tonight -- starve a rat today!
-%
-Don't eat yellow snow.
-%
-Don't forget to support the ERA apersonment.
-%
-Evening hours "all clear" for romance!
-
-(Tell mate you have to work late.)
-%
-Ever wondered why you always run out of breath when you throw up?
-Ah, but a man's retch should exceed his gasp, else what's a heaving for?
-%
-Faith is the quality that enables you to eat blackberry jam on a picnic
-without looking to see whether the seeds move.
-%
-"For an adequate time call 555-3321"
-%
-Fortune's Rules for Memo Wars: #1
-
-	Any attempt to say that someone's personal beliefs are wrong, even if
-you supply conclusive evidence to support your claim, is an outright attack.
-If you show someone a flaw in his/her logic, they have every right to punch
-you in the face.  Mathematical proofs of errors are the moral equivalent
-of rape and should be avoided at all cost.
-	Now... your opponent has requested a "rational discussion".  What do
-you do?  Well, remember that people are normally willing to discuss things
-rationally if and only if you agree with them; anything less would obviously
-not be rational.  Therefore, agree immediately, and continue as before.
-	Always assume that whenever you see someone making a statement about
-"certain parties who shall remain nameless", "some people", "assholes", etc.,
-they are talking about *you*.  It is also correct to assume that words you
-don't understand, such as "prestidigatory", "lapidarian", and "buprestid",
-are direct personal attacks aimed at your loved ones and merit an equally
-scathing response.  Failure to do this results in many lost opportunities for
-rational discussion.  (See above.)
-%
-Fortune's Rules for Memo Wars: #3
-
-The proper time for a vicious ad hominem attack is when you have no logical
-recourse.  If you have been arguing a point with a person or persons for
-30 odd weeks, and an memo comes across that logically tears down the
-final shred of evidence that you thought you had, that is the time to call
-the author of that memo:
-	1: a mindless twit who attacks other people's beliefs for no reason.
-	2: an egotistical flaming typical wombat aggie melon-humping
-	   cheese-whizzing nanosexual subuseless clamsucker whose memos
-	   are apparently sneezed onto his/her terminal.
-	3: something unpleasant.
-The OTHER proper time for an ad hominem attack is immediately after someone
-has posted something you don't understand.  Given the current state of modern
-electronic communications technology your inability to comprehend the meaning
-of an memo constitutes a violation of western moral tradition on the part of
-the author of that memo, and the author should be taken to task publicly via
-a series of really nasty, name-calling oriented memos.
-%
-Four Oxford dons were taking their evening walk together and as
-usual, were engaged in casual but learned conversation.  On this particular
-evening, their conversation was about the names given to groups of animals,
-such as a "pride of lions" or a "gaggle of geese."
-	One of the professors noticed a group of prostitutes down the block,
-and posed the question, "What name would be given to that group?"  The four
-fell into silence for a moment, as they pondered the possibilities...
-	At last, one spoke: "How about 'a Jam of Tarts'?"  The others nodded
-in acknowledgement as they continued to consider the problem.  A second
-professor spoke: "I'd suggest 'an Essay of Trollops.'"  Again, the others
-nodded.  A third spoke: "I propose 'a Flourish of Strumpets.'"
-	They continued their walk in silence, until the first professor
-remarked to the remaining professor, who was the most senior and learned of
-the four, "You haven't suggested a name for our ladies.  What are your
-thoughts?"
-	Replied the fourth professor, "'An Anthology of Prose.'"
-%
-"He could be a poster child for retroactive birth control."
-%
-He who sneezes without a handkerchief takes matters into his own hands.
-%
-Home is where the hurt is.
-		-- Strange de Jim
-%
-Hugh Hefner is a virgin.
-%
-Hypocrisy is the vaseline of social intercourse.
-%
-I don't care who you are, Fatso.  Get those reindeer off my roof.
-%
-I just got off the phone with Sonny Barger [President of the Hell's Angels].
-He wants me to appear as a character witness for him at his murder trial
-and said he'd be glad to appear as a character witness on my behalf if I
-ever needed one.  Needless to say, I readily agreed.
-		-- Thomas King Forcade, publisher of "High Times"
-%
-	"I was plodding through the woods when suddenly a giant brown bear
-grabbed me from behind and made me drop my gun.  He picked it up and
-stuck it in my back."
-	"What did you do?"
-	"What *could* I do?  I married his daughter."
-%
-	I went into a bar feeling a little depressed, the bartender said, 
-"What'll you have, Bud"?
-	I said," I don't know, surprise me".
-	So he showed me a nude picture of my wife.
-		-- Rodney Dangerfield
-%
-"I've had one child.  My husband wants to have another.  I'd like to
-watch him have another."
-%
-If I could reach, I'd never leave the house.
-		-- George Carlin
-%
-Ignorance is the Mother of Devotion.
-		-- Robert Burton
-%
-In breeding cattle you need one bull for every twenty-five cows, unless
-the cows are known sluts.
-		-- Johnny Carson
-%
-In light of the New Morality, Playboy Inc. is offering a new version of
-its magazine, for married men.  Every month it has the same centerfold.
-%
-It is better to have Uranus in Cancer than to have Cancer in Uranus.
-%
-It takes a brave man to admit his mistakes.
-
-Especially in a paternity hearing.
-%
-It was a female that drove me to drink and I didn't even have the kindness
-to thank her.
-		-- R.E. Baber
-%
-It was New Year's Eve and the house was brightly decorated with holiday
-trappings.  The only sound that broke the quiet was the click of Grandma's
-knitting needles.  The children; Jane, eight and Mary, five, were seated
-in front of a cheerily burning fire, leafing through a picture book.
-Tiring of this, they went over to Grandma's rocker.  Jane climbed up on
-the arm of the chair and Mary snuggled into Grandma's cozy lap.
-	"Tell us a story," begged Mary.
-	"Oh," said the old lady, laying aside her knitting and wrapping
-her arms around the children.  "What story should I tell you?"
-	"Tell us our favorite story," whispered little Jane eagerly.
-"About the time you were a hooker in Chicago."
-%
-	It was the next morning that the armies of Twodor marched east
-laden with long lances, sharp swords, and death-dealing hangovers.  The
-thousands were led by Arrowroot, who sat limply in his sidesaddle,
-nursing a whopper.  Goodgulf, Gimlet, and the rest rode by him, praying
-for their fate to be quick, painless, and if possible, someone else's.
-	Many an hour the armies forged ahead, the war-merinos bleating
-under their heavy burdens and the soldiers bleating under their melting
-icepacks.
-		-- "Bored of the Rings", The Harvard Lampoon
-%
-Jesus loves you, but everybody else thinks you're a dork.
-%
-Jesus may love you, but I think you're garbage wrapped in skin.
-		-- Michael O'Donohugh
-%
-May a deranged midget on a pogo stick take refuge in your sister's hoop skirt.
-%
-May a diseased yak take a liking to your sister.
-%
-My father was a creole, his father a Negro, and his father a monkey; my
-family, it seems, begins where yours left off.
-		-- Alexandre Dumas, pere
-%
-Never take a resume seriously.  Resumes only make money for the
-people who write the resumes.  No resume ever tells an employer how many
-times a job applicant has had the clap.
-	Why, indeed, would anyone hire a person based on a resume written
-by a professional liar? 
-	If the applicant is a man, the employer must ask only one question:
-did the applicant go to TCU?
-	If the applicant is a woman, the employer may simply ask: does she
-have a tongue that can lick the paint off a dormitory wall?
-		-- Dan Jenkins, "Baja Oklahoma"
-%
-No one born with a mouth and a need is "innocent".
-		-- Greg Bear
-%
-Objectivity is to a newspaper what virtue is to a woman.
-		-- Joseph Pulitzer
-%
-OLD FELLA RED CLARET
-	Produce of Australia -- "The Big 69'er"
-
-An unusual "Rough-as-Guts" wine that has the Distinctive Bouquet of old
-and ill-cared for animals.  It is best drunk with the teeth clenched to
-prevent ingestion of the seeds and skins.  Connoisseurs will savour the
-slight Tannin Taste of burnt shag feathers and soiled medical dressings.
-Possessors of a cultivated Palate admire the initial assault on the taste
-buds which comes from the careful and loving blending of circus hosings
-with perished jock straps.  The maturing in Midland Abattoir hogsheads
-gives it a very Definite Nose.  With the bouquet like an aborigine's armpit.
-In the United States this wine is marketed as Crow Brand (9 out of 10 people
-who drink it for the first time exclaim "VRAAAARRRRRK").
-
-It won a Bronze at the "Kings Cross Homosexuals Convention" of 1973
-
-Warning: Avoid contact with eyes and open cuts.
-	 Keep away from open naked flames -- both old and new.
-%
-Once upon a time there was a boy, who tried very, very hard to be a Good
-Little Boy.  He grew up to try to be a Good Man.
-	But he never understood how he could be either.
-	Finally, one day, after years of chronic worry and months of
-outright crisis, he admitted that he couldn't do either, because at some
-level, he wasn't even male.
-	So she tried to be a Good Little Girl, and soon after, tried to
-learn to be a Good Woman.
-	Unfortunately, she didn't look much like Barbie.  More like Ken,
-I suppose.
-	So, she lost some friends.  But she loved herself, and that was
-more important.  Then she lost her career, but that wasn't so important,
-because it was *his* career she lost.  Her family tried to accept; all of
-them stopped using the old name.  One of them even tried the new one, a
-few times.  She couldn't get a job--"That's no woman!" seemed to bar her
-even from jobs that didn't require interior plumbing.  But it was all
-right, because she had learned to stop trying to be a Good Anything At
-All, and loving herself, *was* herself.
-	Then the heat went off, and the food ran out, the eviction notice
-came and there wasn't anywhere left to borrow money from.  So she filled
-the tub, heating water in a kettle on the stove, and gently, lovingly,
-cut her wrists.
-
-The moral of the story: The ugly duckling makes a dandy meal.  Dig in.
-%
-A stunning blonde, but probably all bean dip above the eyebrows.
-%
-SEX-CHANGE NUN BECOMES TV WRESTLER!!!
-	details at 11!
-%
-Smoking a woman is like kissing a fish.
-%
-So... if you could choose any nose in the whole wide world,
-which one would you pick?
-%
-Sorry 'bout that sweat, honey.  That's just holy water.
-		-- Little Richard
-%
-Television is a whore.  Any man who wants her full favors can have them
-in five minutes with a pistol.
-		-- Hijacker, quoted in "Esquire"
-%
-The attractive and grief-stricken widow had been living in seclusion at the
-home of her deceased husband's younger brother for several weeks.  One evening,
-when she could no longer control her emotions, she barged into her brother-in-
-law's study and pleaded, "James, I want you to take off my dress."  Shyly,
-the brother-in-law did as she requested.  "Now," she continued, "take off my
-slip."  He again complied.  "And now," she said, with a slight blush, "remove
-my panties and bra."  Once more James obeyed her command.
-	Then, regaining her composure, she stared directly at the young man
-and boldly announced, "I have only one more request, James.  Don't ever let
-me catch you wearing my things again."
-%
-The moving finger having writ... gestures.
-%
-The only difference between your girlfriend and a barracuda is the nailpolish.
-%
-The Stealth Condom -- they'll never see you coming.
-%
-Watch out for a cold wave this week.  (Or maybe a warm WAC.)
-%
-	When I was coming out, the single most common reaction was a question:
-"Oh, well ... have you really thought about this?" delivered with solemn
-concern.
-	I never did figure out a good reply; I finally settled on a
-disbelieving stare, which usually provoked a change of topic.  I always
-*wanted* to say "Gee, no!  I just woke up one morning and thought, 'Gosh,
-it's been such fun being a boy, I guess I'll try being a girl for a
-while!'  Don't you think it's a neato idea?"  But these were *friends* --
-clueless, it's true, but trying to comprehend in a moment what I'd
-struggled to not comprehend for thirty years ... they didn't deserve that.
-		-- Anonymous transsexual woman
-%
-... why should you waste a single moment of *your* life seeming to be something
-you don't want to be?  Lord, that's so simple.  If you hate your job, quit it.
-If your friends are tedious, go out and find new friends.  You are queer, you
-lucky fool, and that makes you one of life's buccaneers, free from the clutter
-of 2000 years of Judeo-Christian sermonizing.  Stop feeling sorry for yourself
-and start raising your sails.  You haven't a moment to lose.
-		-- Edmund Carlevale
-%
-You can pick your friends, and you can pick your nose, but you can't
-pick your friend's nose.
-%
-Your boy/girl friend is *so* ugly that...
-
-	-- when you look up ugly in the dictionary, their picture's there.
-	-- it looks like their face caught fire and someone put it out
-		with an ice pick.
-	-- Nabisco used their face to model for animal cookies.
-	-- when they yelled "Rape", the guy screamed "No way!"
-	-- they were the birth control poster child.
-	-- when they were born, the doctor slapped their mother.
-	-- as a child, their parents tied a pork chop around her neck to
-		get the puppy to play with them.
-	-- they have to sneak up on a glass of water, just to get a drink!
-%