fortune-teller 0.1.2 → 0.3.0

package/fortunes/off/unrotated/sex

@@ -1,4578 +0,0 @@
- (1)  I'm Not Rudolph; That's Not My Nose
- (2)  The Nutcracker Swede
- (3)  Santa Goes Round-The-World
- (4)  Not-So-Tiny Tim
- (5)  Ninja Reindeer Killfest '88
- (6)  Yes, Yes, Oh God Yes, Virginia
- (7)  Crisco Kringle
- (8)  Babes in Boyland
- (9)  Santa's Magic Lap
-(10)  Hot Buttered Elves
-		-- David Letterman's "Top Ten Christmas Movies in Times Square"
-%
-10 greatest lies of all time:
-
-	 (1) I love you.
-	 (2) This won't hurt a bit.
-	 (3) The Mercedes is paid for.
-	 (4) The check is in the mail.
-	 (5) I was just going to call you.
-	 (6) I've always worn cowboy boots.
-	 (7) I swear I won't come in your mouth.
-	 (8) Of course I'll respect you in the morning.
-	 (9) We have a really challenging assignment for you.
-	(10) I'm from the government, and I'm here to help you.
-%
-10 Reasons Why a Beer is Better Than a Man:
-
-	 (1) A beer NEVER leaves the toilet seat up.
-	 (2) A beer lasts longer than seven seconds.
-	 (3) A beer doesn't want to watch pro wrestling.
-	 (4) A beer won't expect you to cook dinner when you're not hungry.
-	 (5) A beer will never leave dirty socks on the floor.
-	 (6) A beer doesn't mind when your mother visits.
-	 (7) A beer does as many chores as a man, with a LOT less complaining.
-	 (8) A beer won't leave you for a younger woman.
-	 (9) A beer won't leave you for a younger man either.
-	(10) A beer won't tease you because you once liked Barry Manilow.
-%
-10 Reasons Why a Beer is Better Than a Man:
-
-	 (1) A beer will never invite friends home for dinner without calling.
-	 (2) A beer won't think less of you if you can't name the Steelers'
-	     quarterback.
-	 (3) A beer won't even act amazed if you can.
-	 (4) You don't have to let a beer win.
-	 (5) Just because you have dinner with a beer doesn't mean you have to
-	     sleep with it, too.
-	 (6) A beer helps with the housework.
-	 (7) A beer will never fumble with your bra.
-	 (8) A beer will never take the newspaper apart before you've read it.
-	 (9) A beer doesn't want you to raise its children.
-	(10) A beer wouldn't mind if you wanted it to wear a condom.
-%
-10 Reasons Why a Beer is Better Than a Man:
-
-	 (1) Having a beer can't make you pregnant.
-	 (2) A beer doesn't wouldn't trade you in on a sports car.
-	 (3) If a beer did have a sports car, it wouldn't love it more than you.
-	 (4) A beer doesn't want to go out alone with the other beers.
-	 (5) A beer wouldn't waste its money on Playbeer magazine.
-	 (6) You don't have to worry about getting AIDS from a bisexual beer.
-	 (7) A beer won't switch the TV channel.
-	 (8) A beer doesn't snore.
-	 (9) A beer doesn't care that you can't find your car's carbueretor.
-	(10) A beer doesn't think black leather bikinis are neat.
-%
-10 Reasons Why a Beer is Better Than a Woman:
-
-	 (1) A beer won't make you go to church.
-	 (2) A beer is more likely to know how to spell "carburetor" than a
-	     woman.
-	 (3) A beer doesn't think baseball is stupid simply because the guys
-	     spit.
-	 (4) A beer doesn't give a [expletive deleted] if you keep a bunch of
-	     other beers on the side.
-	 (5) A beer will not call you a sexist pig if you say "doberman"
-	     instead of "doberperson".
-	 (6) A beer won't get a job as a DJ and play 5 straight hours of
-	     lesbian folk music on yer fave radio station.
-	 (7) A beer understands why The Three Stooges are funny.
-	 (8) A beer won't raise a fuss about a little thing like leaving the
-	     toilet seat up.
-	 (9) A beer doesn't think that a "three-hundred-fifty cubic-inch V8"
-	     is an enormous can of vegetable juice.
-	(10) A beer won't smoke in your car.
-%
-10 Reasons Why a Beer is Better Than a Woman:
-
-	 (1) Beer understands the difference between shooting down an
-	     unidentified aircraft in a war zone and blowing a Korean airliner
-	     out of the sky.
-	 (2) A beer would never own a car with an automatic transmission.
-	 (3) A beer never fishes for compliments.
-	 (4) Beer tastes good.
-	 (5) A beer can enjoy an evening of watching "Johnny-the-Wadd-Holmes'
-	     Greatest Hits" as much as you do.
-	 (6) An ice-cold beer will nonetheless let you have your way with it.
-	 (7) A beer won't ask you to pick up some tampons when you go to the store.
-	 (8) Beer never asks you to change the station.
-	 (9) A beer won't fill up your 'Vette with 85-octane gas because it's
-	     twenty cents less expensive.
-	(10) A beer won't make you eat experimental vegetarian meals that taste
-	     like grass.
-%
-10 Reasons Why a Beer is Better Than a Woman:
-
-	 (1) You can enjoy a beer all month.
-	 (2) Beer stains wash out.
-	 (3) Beer doesn't go crazy once a month.
-	 (4) Beer never makes you wait.
-	 (5) A beer doesn't get jealous when you grab another beer.
-	 (6) Beer doesn't have a lawyer "in the family".
-	 (7) A beer won't get upset if you come home with beer on your breath.
-	 (8) Beer doesn't demand equality.
-	 (9) Beer labels come off without a fight.
-	(10) Beer doesn't mind being in the "wet spot" that IT left.
-%
-11 reasons a cucumber is better than a man:
-
-	 (1) Cucumbers can stay up all night,
-	     and you won't have to sleep in the wet spot.
-	 (2) Cucumbers don't play the guitar and try to find themselves.
-	 (3) You won't find out later that your cucumber
-	     ...is married
-	     ...is on penicillin
-	     ...likes you -- but loves your brother!
-	 (4) A cucumber won't care what time of the month it is.
-	 (5) A cucumber never wants to get it on when your nails are wet.
-	 (6) Cucumbers don't say "Let's keep trying until we have a boy".
-	 (7) Cucumbers won't tell you size doesn't count.
-	 (8) A cucumber won't leave you for a cheerleader or an ex-nun.
-	 (9) Cucumbers don't fall asleep on your chest or drool on the pillow.
-	(10) Cucumbers don't care if you make more money than they do.
-	(11) With a cucumber, the toilet seat is always the way you left it.
-%
-15 Reasons Why a Beer is Better Than a Man:
-
-	 (1) A beer doesn't care that you don't balance your checkbook.
-	 (2) Tall, dark, good-looking beers are common.
-	 (3) A beer won't steal all the covers.
-	 (4) A beer doesn't have friends who will drink all your beer.
-	 (5) A beer wouldn't yell if you dented the car.
-	 (6) A beer doesn't buy everything labelled "turbo".
-	 (7) You don't have to laugh at a beer's jokes.
-	 (8) A beer is not kinky unless you want it to be kinky.
-	 (9) A beer always lets you read the Sunday comics first.
-	(10) A beer doesn't think poetry is queer.
-	(11) If the beer is finished before you are, you can have another beer.
-	(12) A beer won't talk about the women who had it before you.
-	(13) A beer's life does not revolve around the world series.
-	(14) A beer won't mind at all if you're not in the mood for beer.
-	(15) A beer will NEVER call you "Babe".  Or "Sugar".
-%
-20 Reasons Why a Beer is Bettern than a Man:
-
-	 (1) A beer never leaves the toilet seat up.
-	 (2) A beer doesn't want to watch pro wrestling.
-	 (3) A beer does as many chores as a man, with a LOT less complaining.
-	 (4) You don't have to worry about getting AIDS from a bisexual beer.
-	 (5) A beer won't tease you because you once liked Barry Manilow.
-	 (6) A beer doesn't want to go out alone with the other beers.
-	 (7) A beer doesn't care that you can't find your car's carburator.
-	 (8) A beer doesn't think black leather bikinis are neat.
-	 (9) A beer won't steal the covers.
-	(10) A beer doesn't buy everything labelled "turbo".
-	(11) A beer doesn't think poetry is queer.
-	(12) A beer can't talk about the women who had it before you.
-	(13) A beer tastes good.
-	(14) A beer will never invite friends home for dinner without calling.
-	(15) A beer won't think less of you if you can't name the Steelers' 
-	     quarterback.
-	(16) You don't have to let a beer win.
-	(17) A beer always lets you read the Sunday comics first.
-	(18) A beer will never call you "Babe".  Or "Sugar-hips".
-	(19) A beer doesn't care that you don't balance your checkbook.
-	(20) You don't have to laugh at a beer's jokes.
-%
-6802 hackers make great use of the SEX instruction.
-%
-69 + 69 = dinner for 4.
-%
-77.  HO HUM -- The Redundant
-
-------- (7)	This hexagram refers to a situation of extreme
---- --- (8)	boredom.  Your programs always bomb off.  Your wife
-------- (7)	smells bad.  Your children have hives.  You are working
----O--- (6)	on an accounting system, when you want to develop the
----X--- (9)	GREAT AMERICAN COMPILER.  You give up hot dates to
---- --- (8)	nurse sick computers.  What you need now is sex.
-
-Nine in the second place means:
-	The yellow bird approaches the malt shop.  Misfortune.
-
-Six in the third place means:
-	In former times men built altars to honor the Internal Revenue
-	Service.  Great Dragons!  Are you in trouble!
-%
-8 Reasons Why a Beer is Better Than a Woman:
-
-	(1) You rarely (if ever) find beer labels on the shower curtain rod.
-	(2) A beer doesn't care when you come.
-	(3) Beer doesn't have a mother.
-	(4) Beer doesn't need much closet space.
-	(5) A beer won't accuse you of lying when you say you read Playboy
-	    "just for the articles".
-	(6) Beer doesn't mind seeing Chuck Norris and Charles Bronson flicks.
-	(7) Beer doesn't always want to go to the 'powder room' with everyone
-	    else's beer.
-	(8) When you're through with a beer, the thought of another beer
-	    doesn't make you ill.
-%
-9 reasons a taco is better than a woman:
-
-	(1) Tacos don't put frilly covers on the toilet seat so the lid won't
-	    stay up.
-	(2) Tacos don't use your razor on their legs.
-	(3) Tacos don't say "That's okay, it doesn't have to be good for me."
-	(4) Tacos don't get upset if you eat another taco, "Just for fun."
-	(5) Tacos will never contest a divorce, demand a property settlement,
-	    or seek custody of anything.
-	(6) Tacos won't ask you about your last lover, or speculate about your
-	    next one.
-	(7) A taco will never make a scene because there are other tacos in the
-	    refrigerator.
-	(8) It's easy to drop a taco.
-	(9) Tacos don't want to sleep on your chest.
-%
-A beachcomber of 25 had been shipwrecked on a desert island since the age of
-six.  One day, while in search of food, he stumbled across a beautifully
-sensuous female lying on the beach nearly naked; she'd been washed ashore from
-another shipwreck that morning.  After they got over their initial surprise
-at seeing each other, the girl wanted to know how long he had been alone on
-this barren bit of land.
-	"Almost twenty years," he answered.
-	"Twenty years!" she exclaimed.  "But how ever did you survive?"
-	"Oh, I fish, dig for clams, and gather berries and coconuts," he
-replied.
-	"And what do you do for sex?" she asked.
-	"What's that?"  He looked puzzled.
-	Whereupon the maiden pulled the innocent young man down onto the sand
-beside her and proceeded to demonstrate.  After they had finished, she asked
-how he had enjoyed it.
-	"Great!" was the reply.  "But look what it did to my clamdigger!"
-%
-A beautiful, voluptous woman goes to see a gynecologist.  The doctor takes
-one look at this woman and his professionalism is a thing of the past.  Right
-away he tells her to undress.  After she has disrobed he begins to stroke her
-thigh.  As he does this he says to the woman, "Do you know what I'm doing?"
-	"Yes," she says, "you're checking for any abrasions or dermatological
-abnormalities."
-	"Correct," says the doctor.  He then begins to fondle her breasts.
-"Do you know what I'm doing now?" he says.
-	"Yes," says the woman, "you're checking for any lumps or breast
-cancer."
-	"That's right," replies the doctor.  He then gradually proceeds to
-having sexual intercourse with her.  "Do you know," he pants, "what I'm doing
-now?"
-	"Yes," she says.  "You're getting herpes."
-%
-A big store buyer had been on the road for nearly two months.  Each week he
-would send his wife a telegram saying,
-	"Can't come home yet.  Still buying."
-His wife knew that these buying trips usually involved more than business.
-She tolerated this particular jaunt for a while, but when the third month
-rolled by and she'd still seen nothing of her husband but the weekly telegrams,
-she wired him,
-	"Better come home.  I'm selling what you're buying."
-%
-A bisexual is a man who likes girls as well as the next fellow.
-%
-	A business executive is consumed by jealousy: he suspects his wife
-of cheating on him.  The suspicion grows and grows, and one morning as he
-drives to work he can't take it any more.  He thinks to himself, "she
-probably just waited until I left so she could meet with her lover."
-	When he gets to his office, he calls home.  The maid answers.  He
-says, "Hello.  Is my wife there?"
-	"Yes, sir", the maid whispers.
-	"Is she with her lover?"
-	The maid pauses, and then says, "Yes, sir, she is, and I must say
-that I feel terrible about how she treats you."
-	The man yells, "That no good **#*&!!.  If you feel as badly as you
-say you do, you must do this for me: go to my dresser and get my gun.  Check
-to make sure that it's loaded.  Then go upstairs and shoot both that cheating
-two-timing whore and her lover.  Dispose of the gun, and then come back to
-the phone and tell me that it's over.  Don't worry -- I'll protect you."
-The man hears footsteps, a drawer being opened, a click, more footsteps,
-silence... and then two shots.  More footsteps.  Finally the maid comes back
-to the phone and says "It's done."
-	The man asks, "What did you do with the gun?"
-	"I threw it behind the statue in the garden", the maid replies.
-	"Statue in the garden?  Say, what number is this, anyway?"
-%
-A businessman was awe-struck by the beautiful redhead at the hotel bar.
-Seeing his interest, she quietly informed him that she was a prostitute
-and that her price was $500.  He was taken aback by the price, but after
-a few minutes of thought he took her up to his room.  She spent a few
-minutes in the bathroom and was shocked when she came out to see him
-masturbating furiously on the bed.  "What are you doing?", she asked.
-	"Baby, for $500, you're not going to get the easy one!"
-%
-A chiseler is a man who goes stag to a wife-swapping party.
-%
-A drunk was sitting at the end of the bar in a popular single's place,
-watching a young, good-looking man working his way through the women.  The
-guy didn't appear to be having much luck, and he was only spending a few
-moments with each woman.  As he worked his way closer, while he couldn't
-hear what the young man was saying, he realized that the women were somewhat
-shocked at his approach.  Finally, the man approaches a pretty brunette and
-they hit it off immediately.  After a bit of quiet conversation, she handed
-the young man her hotel key and they started off for the elevators.  As they
-passed the drunk, he stopped the lucky one and asked him what his method was.
-	"Well," the man replied, "It's simple.  You say 'Tickle your ass
-with a feather?'  If she sounds interested, you take it from there.  If she
-sounds angry, you smile and say 'Typically nasty weather.'"
-	The drunk says "Ohhhhh, got it, I got it!" and walks over to a woman
-at the end of the bar to try out his new approach.  Getting her attention,
-he smiles and says "Fuck me!"
-	"What?!?!?" she screams.
-	"Raining like hell, isn't it?"
-%
-A farmer decides that his three sows should be bred, and contacts a
-buddy down the road, who owns several boars.  They agree on a stud fee, and
-the farmer puts the sows in his pickup and takes them down the road to the
-boars.  He leaves them all day, and when he picks them up that night, asks
-the man how he can tell if it "took" or not.  The breeder replies that if,
-the next morning, the sows were grazing on grass, they were pregnant, but if
-they were rolling in the mud as usual, they probably weren't.
-	Comes the morn, the sows are rolling in the mud as usual, so the
-farmer puts them in the truck and brings them back for a second full day of
-frolic.  This continues for a week, since each morning the sows are rolling
-in the mud.
-	Around the sixth day, the farmer wakes up and tells his wife, "I
-don't have the heart to look again.  This is getting ridiculous.  You check
-today."  With that, the wife peeks out the bedroom window and starts to laugh.
-	"What is it?" asks the farmer excitedly.  "Are they grazing at last?"
-	"Nope." replies his wife.  "Two of them are jumping up and down in
-the back of your truck, and the other one is honking the horn!"
-%
-A fool is a man who worries about whether or not his lover has integrity.
-A wise man, on the other hand, busies himself with deeper attributes.
-%
-A friend of mine received a note through the mail advising him,
-
-"If you don't stop making love to my wife, I'll kill you."
-
-The trouble is, the note wasn't signed.
-%
-A gambler was telling a friend about his first junket to Las Vegas and how
-hard it was to get any sleep.
-	"I was awakened at one, two and four in the morning by a
-drunken chorus girl banging on the door and screaming," he recalled.
-	"That's terrible," the friend said." How'd you ever get any sleep?"
-	"At five o'clock I unlocked the door and let her out."
-%
-A gorgeous young sophomore is having an affair with her English
-professor.  She goes home to visit her family for Christmas vacation
-and when she gets back, she immediately invites him over for the
-night.  As soon as he walks through the door she hugs him and
-asks, "Were you blue while I was away?"
-	"Blown, my dear," the professor corrects her, "blown."
-%
-A group of scientists discovered an apelike creature in the jungle, which
-they hoped would prove to be the missing link.  The proof of their theory,
-however, required that a human mate with the animal so that they could see
-what characteristics the offspring would assume.  Needing volunteers, the
-scientists placed an ad in the paper: "$5000 to mate with ape."
-	Almost immediately, they received response from a man who said he
-would be willing to take part in the experiment, with three conditions.
-	"First," he said, "my wife must never know.  Second, any children
-must be baptized.  And, third, I'd have to pay in installments."
-%
-A guy comes into a bar with a frog and sets it down next to the prettiest
-girl there.
-	"This is a very special frog," he informs her.  "His name is Charlie."
-	"What's so special about this frog?" she asks.
-He's reluctant to tell her, but when pressed, explains that,
-	"This frog can eat pussy."
-The girl slaps him, knocking him off his chair, and accuses him of telling her
-a filthy lie.  But no, he assures her, it's completely true.  And after much
-discussion, she agrees to come back to his apartment to see the frog in action.
-She positions herself appropriately, the guy carefully takes out the frog, and
-says, "Okay, Charlie, do your stuff!"  The frog is immobile, despite his
-owner's exhortations, and the girl starts to snicker.
-	"Okay, Charlie, do your stuff!"
-	"C'mon Charlie, do your stuff!"
-By now, the girl is laughing openly.
-	"Okay, Charlie," says the guy, moving the frog out of the way, "I'm
-only going to show you one more time."
-%
-	A guy finishes his 9 to 5, but, instead of going straight home, stops
-in at a local bar for a drink.  He gets his beer, turns around to sit down,
-and finds himself face to face with a ravishing blonde.  The two strike up a
-conversation, and really hit it off.  After a couple drinks they leave the bar
-go back to her pad, to peruse her etchings.  Which doesn't take long -- by
-seven they were happily engaged in intimate scratching.
-	'Round about midnight the guy rolled over in bed and spotted the clock:
-"Midnight!  Already!  I gotta get home!  Honey, you have any baby powder?"
-He jumps out of bed and starts pulling his pants on, trying to find his shoes.
-	"Baby powder?" she asks.  But she comes back from the bathroom and
-hands him the powder.  He frantically shakes it all over his hands, kisses her
-goodbye, and runs out the front door.
-	He gets home, and sure enough, there's his wife, waiting in the
-doorway.
-	"Okay," she mutters, "let's have it."
-	"Well," he says sheepishly, looking down at his feet.  "Okay.  I went
-to a bar after work and met a gorgeous blonde and we really hit it off.  We
-had a few drinks and went back to her place, and well, see..."
-	"Oh yeah?" she says, "let me see your hands...  Don't you lie to me!
-You've been bowling again!"
-%
-A hand in a bird is worth two on 'er bush.
-%
-A hand in the bush is worth two on the bird.
-%
-A hard man is good to find.
-%
-A hunter saved a native boy from a boa constrictor.  In gratitude, the boy gave
-the hunter a magic gorilla prick.  The lad said the prick would do anything you
-told it to do until you told it to do something else.  When the hunter returned
-home to England, he put the magic gorilla prick on the mantle along with some
-of his other trophies.  His wife thought it quaint and his story charming.  But
-soon, the hunter went a-safariing again.  He was away for months.  One evening,
-the woman eyed the MGP carefully and whispered, "Gorilla Prick, fuck me."
-Whereupon the thing jumped off the mantle and began to bang her with great
-thoroughness and ferocity.  For the first twenty minutes it was pure heaven,
-but after the next few minutes it became fatiguing, and she said, "Stop it,
-Gorilla Prick," but it didn't.  After a bit more she was screaming "Stop!
-Stop!" at the thing and trying to pull it out of her smoking hole.  But nothing
-worked.  Finally, the butler bursts into the room, summoned by her screams.
-	"Saunders, help me please!"
-	"But what is it, Madame?"
-	"It's a Magic Gorilla Prick!"
-	"Gorilla prick, my ass!! ... AAAaaeeeeeeeeeiiiiiiiii!!!!!!"
-%
-A husky foreigner, looking for sex, accepted a prostitute's terms.  When
-she undressed, he noticed that she had no pubic hair.  The man shouted,
-"What, no wool?  In my country all women have wool down there."
-	The prostitute snapped back,  "What do you want to do, knit or fuck?"
-%
-A lively case was in progress in the District Court at Lick Skillet. Judge
-Flannery was presiding, and on the witness stand was Tush Bumpass.
-	"From where ah was standin'", drawled Tush, "Ah could see he'd
-backed 'er up agin' thet there wall, and ef Ah ever sawed a screwin' match,
-thet one wuz!"
-	"Mr. Bumpass," the Judge interrupted, "I'd prefer that you not use
-the word 'screw' in the courtroom. Say 'intercourse' instead."
-	Tush looked puzzled. "Intercourse?  Whut's thet, Judge?"
-	His Honor sighed.  "It's a technicality of language that you're
-probably not aware of.  Never mind.  Please continue."
-	"Well, like ah said, he had 'er shoved up agin' thet wall, an' he
-was... uh... intercoursin' 'er, an' he give 'er the crossjostle, the Chicago
-Stroke, an she let out with a holler thet..."
-	"One moment," interrupted the Bench. "What is this, ah, Chicago
-Stroke, Mr. Bumpass?"
-	"Well, thet's a technicality of screwin', Judge, thet you're probably
-not aware of!"
-%
-A lover without indiscretion is no lover at all.
-		-- Thomas Hardy
-%
-A man and a woman got married.  Although it is the first time for the
-husband, it is the woman's second marriage.  As they go to bed on their
-wedding night, the wife says to her husband:
-
-	"Dear, there's something I must tell you.  I'm a virgin."
-Naturally, the husband is surprised.
-	"You've been married before!", he says, "How can you still be a
-virgin?"
-	"Well, it's all quite simple," she retorted, "my husband was a
-computer programmer."
-	"What's so odd about that?", he asked.  "Why would you still be
-a virgin after a marriage to a programmer?"
-	"Well", she said, "all he did was sit on the edge of the bed and
-tell me how great it was going to be."
-%
-A man can sleep around, no questions asked, but if a woman makes nineteen
-or twenty mistakes she's a tramp.
-		-- Joan Rivers
-%
-A man goes into a hospital for a routine appendectomy.  When he wakes up
-from the anesthesia, he sees a large group of doctors gathered anxiously
-around his bed.
-	"What happened?" he asks worriedly.
-	"Well," says one of the doctors, "there was a small clerical error,
-and you got mixed-up with another patient.  Instead of an appendectomy, we
-performed a sex-change operation.  Your penis has been removed and a vagina
-has been crafted into place."
-	"WHAT!!!" screams the man.  "That's horrible!  What am I going to
-tell my wife?  Can't you reverse it?  This means I'm never going to experience
-another erection!"
-	"Well, you will, you *will*," reassures the doctor, "but it will, of
-course, have to be someone else's."
-%
-A man is as old as the woman he feels.
-		-- Groucho Marx
-%
-A man is driving down the road on his way to Salerno.  By the roadside he
-sees a man hitchhiking and stops to pick him up.  As the man gets into his
-car he suddenly pulls out a gun and makes the driver get out of the car.
-	"All right, buddy," says the man, "I want to you jerk off."
-	"What!?" says the man, disbelievingly.
-	"Go ahead, do it!" says the hitchhiker.
-	So the driver masturbates, and when he is through, says, "All right,
-I did what you wanted, can I go now?"
-	"Nope," says the hijacker.  "Do it again."
-	"Again?" the driver exclaims.  "I just did it."
-	"Do it again."
-	It takes a little longer this time, but he manages to come again.
-Panting, he turns to his tormenter and again asks if he can leave.
-	"Yes," the man replies, "but only after you've done it one more
-time."
-	The guy is really scared now; he's starting to sweat.  It takes him
-twenty minutes, this time, but he finally comes a third time.
-	"Listen, buddy, can I please leave now?"
-	"Yeah," says the man, lowering his gun.  "And this is my daughter;
-I want you to drive her into Salerno."
-%
-A man is marooned on a desert island with a female sheep and a male Doberman
-for companionship.  The animals soon get it on sexually, and all goes well
-until the man becomes unbearably horny and makes his move for the ewe, at
-which point the dog interposes himself, snarling, fangs bared.  Months later,
-a raft drifts into sight.  The sailor swims out, finds a beautiful girl on it,
-takes her to shore and feeds and comforts her.
-	"You are so good to me," she responds gratefully.  "I'd do absolutely
-anything to show my gratitude."
-	"Would you?" smiles the sailor as he unfastens the length of rope
-that holds up his ragged pants.  "Well, then, here -- use this as a leash
-and take that damn dog for a walk!"
-%
-A man is playing golf at a very exclusive country club when he hits a hole-
-in-one.  As he takes his ball from the cup, a genie appears.
-	"Since you've made a hole in one, you may have a single wish.  What
-is your heart's desire?"
-	"Great!", replies the man.  I want a longer penis."
-	"Your wish is granted," says the genie, and promptly disappears.
-	As the golfer continues through the rest of the course he can
-feel his penis slowly growing, to an extent that it's becoming uncomfortable.
-By the time he completes the 18th hole it's extended down his pants leg to
-his knee.  Thinking to himself that this isn't quite what he had in mind, he
-grabs a bucket of balls and heads back out onto the course.  Three weeks later,
-he manages another hole-in-one and the genie reappears.
-	"Since you've made a hole in one, you may have a single wish.  What
-is your heart's desire?"
-	"Yeah, I know all that," replies the man.  "Listen, could you make
-my legs longer?"
-%
-A man marries to have a home, but also because he doesn't want to be
-bothered with sex and all that sort of thing.
-		-- W. Somerset Maugham, "The Circle"
-%
-	A man met a beautiful young woman in a bar.  They got along well,
-shared dinner, and had a marvelous evening.  When he left her, he told her
-that he had really enjoyed their time together, and hoped to see her again,
-soon.  Smiling yes, she gave him her phone number.
-	The next day, he called her up and asked her to go dancing.  She
-agreed.  As they talked, he jokingly asked her what her favorite flower was.
-Realizing his intentions, she told him that he shouldn't bring her flowers
--- if he wanted to bring her a gift, well, he should bring her a Swiss Army
-knife!
-	Surprised, and not a little intrigued, he spent a large part of the
-afternoon finding a particularly unusual one.  Arriving at her apartment
-he immediately presented her with the knife.  She ooohed and ahhhed over it
-for a minute, and then carefully placed it in a drawer, that the man couldn't
-help but see was full of Swiss Army knives.
-	Surprised, he asked her why she had collected so many.
-	"Well, I'm young and attractive now", blushed the woman, "but that
-won't always be true.  And boy scouts will do anything for a Swiss Army knife!"
-%
-A man needs a mistress, just to break the monogamy.
-%
-A man never minds being in the doghouse as long as he can get his tail outside.
-%
-A man sat down next to another passenger on a train recently and couldn't
-help overhearing his conversation out the window with a man standing on
-the train platform.
-	"Thanks for putting me up while I was here, Sam," said the passenger.
-	"Glad to do it," said the other man.
-	"Thanks for the food and the drinks -- everything was wonderful."
-	"It was a pleasure," said the man.
-	"And thank your wife, Sam, she was great," said the passenger,
-"she was a truly great lay."
-	The man was rather taken aback by this exchange and he later turned
-to his fellow passenger and said: "Pardon me sir, but did I understand you
-to say that your friend's wife was a great lay?"
-	"Well," said the other passenger, "I didn't REALLY enjoy it.  But
-Sam is a helluva nice guy."
-%
-A man was just settling down into his seat for a cross-country
-flight when he noticed a beautiful woman sitting next to him, wearing a
-large button with the letters "NAA" on it.
-	"What's that?" he asked, pointing to her button.
-	"Nymphomaniacs Association of America" she replied.
-	After a moments thought he said, "Well, if you wouldn't mind my
-asking, but I've always wanted to know, who are the best, ummm, `endowed'
-men?"
-	"Well, it's not what you think.  Native Americans.  They're better
-hung than *anybody*."
-	"And is it true that the French are the best lovers?"
-	"No, Jewish men.  Once you finally get them going they can last
-all night.  By the way, my name is Sue.  What's yours?"
-	"Running Bear Sheldon."
-%
-A man was playing golf one day when a little frog hopped out the water at a
-water hazard and croaked,  "I am a magic frog, and since you are the 10,000th
-person to play through here, I'm prepared to offer you one of two magic gifts:
-First, for a whole year you can have the most fabulous sex life that anyone
-ever had; beyond your wildest dreams.  Or, second, for a whole year you can
-be the best golfer the world has ever known.  Which do you prefer?"  The man
-thought a bit and said that he'd take the golf.  Well, the man holed his wood
-shot from where he was, completed the course in an average of 2 per hole, and
-went round in 22.  Quickly he attracted the attention of the sports world,
-and became the world's best-known golfer, setting course records wherever
-he went.  A year later he was playing the same course inhabited by the frog,
-and at the water hazard the frog hopped out and said, "Well, the year is up,
-and you now revert to the 18-handicap player you were before.  But tell me, I
-was a little surprised that you chose the golf -- I take it your sex life is
-outstanding?"  The man said, "Well, I have no complaints in that department
-at all, which is why I chose the golf." "How many times did you engage in sex
-last year?" inquired the frog.  The man thought a little and said, "Oh, eight
-or ten times, I guess."  "Damn," said the frog, "that doesn't strike me as very
-satisfactory."  "Oh, I don't know," replied the man, "it doesn't seem so bad
-for a Catholic priest from a little town in South Dakota."
-%
-A man was traveling cross-country one summer from New York to LA.  
-He arrived in Needles, CA late one night and pulled into an Exxon for some
-gas.  When he pulled up to the gas pumps, he noticed that all of the lights
-were off.  Suddenly, he heard a faint sound from outside.  He wasn't sure
-what he'd heard, so he rolled down his window and heard a faint cry,
-"Help... help... help".  He got out of his car, and sure enough there was
-a guy stooped down in the corner, stark naked with his wrists tied to his
-ankles.  He walked up to the guy and said, "Hey, man, what happened to you?"
-	"These guys pulled me out of my car, took my money, my wallet, my 
-clothes, tied my wrists to my ankles, and then stole my car!!"
-	"Damn!", replied the first man as he unzipped his pants.  "This just
-hasn't been your day, has it?" 
-%
-A man who likes to lie in bed can usually find a girl willing to listen to him.
-%
-A midget had a date with a very tall girl.  It was a quiff-hanger.
-%
-A mother and her daughter came to the doctor's office.  The mother 
-asked the doctor to examine her daughter.  "She has been having some strange 
-symptoms and I'm worried about her," the mother said.
-	The doctor examined the daughter carefully.  Then he announced,
-"Madam, I believe your daughter is pregnant."
-	The mother gasped.  "That's nonsense!" she said.  "Why, my little
-girl has never even been out with a man, let alone... let alone..."  She
-turns to the girl and said, "Tell the doctor, Susie!"
-	"Yes, Mumsy," said the girl.  "Doctor, I have never so much as
-kissed a man!"
-	The doctor looked from the mother to daughter, and back again.  Then, 
-silently he stood up and walked to the window.  He stared out.  He continued 
-staring until the mother felt compelled to ask, "Doctor, is there something 
-wrong out there?"
-	"No, Madam," said the doctor.  "It's just that the last time anything
-like this happened, a star appeared in the East and I was looking to see if
-another one was going to show up."
-%
-A new lumberjack had just finished his first month in the lonely wilds of
-Alaska, where there were no women for miles.  He finally couldn't take it
-anymore and nervously asked the foreman what the other men did to relieve
-the pressure.
-	"Try the hole in the barrel outside the shower," suggested the
-foreman.  "The other men swear by it."
-	The lumberjack dubiously tried it out and had the experience of
-his life.  "That barrel is fantastic!  Warm!  Wet!  I'm going to use it
-every day!"
-	"Every day but the third Wednesday of the month," one of the
-other men replied.
-	"Why not then?"
-	"That's your day in the barrel."
-%
-A Norse god decides to assume human form, come down from Valhalla, and check
-out the local action.  He finds himself in the piano bar of Caesar's Boardwalk
-Regency in Atlantic City, and sits down to sip an Acquavit or two.  After a few
-minutes, an extremely attractive young woman, having been taken with his form
-and features, sends a drink down to him, then joins him.  The chemistry between
-them is immediate and total.  They have the next drink in her room, and spend
-the night repeatedly making passionate love.  The woman has no idea of her
-partner's true identity; all she knows is he's driving her mad.  In the
-morning, the Norse god jumps into the shower.  Reflecting on the previous
-night he decides that he wants to be honest with his new lover.  Without even
-bothering to wrap himself in a towel, he leaps from the shower into the room,
-where the woman is still in bed, exhausted.  He kneels beside the bed, looks
-deep into her eyes and says, "Honey, I have something very important to tell
-you -- I'm Thor!".
-
-The woman looks at him.  "You're Thor?", she says. "My inthides feel
-like grated cheeth!"
-%
-A nubile female virtually never experiences difficulty in finding willing
-sexual partners, and in a natural habitat nubile females are probably always
-married.  The basic female "strategy" is to obtain the best possible husband,
-to be fertilized by the fittest available male (always, of course, taking
-risk into account), and to maximize the returns on sexual favors bestowed:
-to be sexually aroused by the sight of males would promote random matings,
-thus undermining all of these aims, and would also waste time and energy
-that could be spent in economically significant activities and in nurturing
-children.  A female's reproductive success would be seriously compromised
-by the propensity to be sexually aroused by the sight of males.
-		-- Donald Symons, "The Evolution of Human Sexuality",
-		   attempting to explain the lack of female interest in
-		   pornography.
-%
-A nymph hits you and steals your virginity.
-%
-A pair of suburban couples who had known each other for quite some time
-talked it over and decided to do a little conjugal swapping.  The trade
-was made the following evening and the newly arranged couples retired to
-their respective houses.  After about an hour of bedroom bliss, one of
-the wives propped herself up on an elbow, looked at her new partner and
-said: "Well, I wonder how the boys are getting along?"
-%
-A pederastic necrophiliac is a gentleman who is true to the very end of
-the end of a friend.
-%
-A performing octopus could play the piano, the zither and a piccolo, and his
-trainer wanted him to add the bagpipe to his accomplishments.  With this in
-mind, a bagpipe was placed in the octopus's room, and the trainer awaited
-results.  Hours passed, but no bagpipe music was heard.  Since the talented
-octopus usually learned quickly, the trainer was disturbed.  Opening the door
-the next morning, he asked the octopus,
-	"Have you learned to play that thing yet?"
-	"Play it!" retorted the octopus. "I've been trying to lay it all
-night!"
-%
-A policeman is walking his beat when he finds an inebriated man collapsed
-against a building, weeping uncontrollably and holding his car keys in his
-hands.  He's moaning something about how "They took my car!"  Seeing that
-the man is well-dressed, the officer suspects that he may have a real case
-of theft on his hands and attempts to question the man.
-	"What happened to your car?"
-	"My car, it was right on the end of my key, and those bastards
-stole it!  Please officer, get my Porsche back.  My God, it was right on
-the end of my key!  Where is it?  They stole it and it was right here;
-right on my key!"
-	"OK, OK, stand up, we'll see what we can do.  You'll have to come
-down to the stat...  Mister, your fly's unzipped and you're exposing
-yourself!"
-	"Oh my God, they stole my girlfriend!"
-%
-	A proper elderly English couple visiting Australia decided to hire a
-car to take a look at the outback.  "We know it's rough country, but it's safe
-and decent, isn't it?" the husband inquired of the rental-agency manager.
-Upon being assured that it was, the couple drove off.
-	Later that day, they returned, upset and angry.  "You said it was
-decent country," the Englishwoman upbraided the rental agent, "but we hadn't
-driven too far when we saw a man in a field copulating with a kangaroo!"
-	"And not too long after that," complained her husband, "a one-legged
-aborigine leaning against a tree by the side of the road grinningly waved
-at us with one hand while he brazenly masturbated himself with the other!"
-	"Guv'nor," responded the Aussie, "yer wouldn't expect a poor bugger
-like that, with only one leg, to catch a 'roo, would you?"
-%
-A real estate agent, looking over a farmer's house for possible sale,
-commented to the farmer how sturdy the house looked.
-	The farmer replied, "Yep, built it with my bare hands... did it
-the hard way.  The steps to the front door, here, carved 'em out of
-field stones... did it the hard way.  That hardwood floor in the living
-room, dovetailed the pieces myself... did it the hard way.  The ceiling
-beams, made 'em out of my own oak trees... did it the hard way."
-	Just then, the farmer's gorgeous daughter walked in.  The farmer
-looks over at the real estate agent who is trying not to stare too
-obviously and smiles.  "Yep... standing up in a canoe."
-%
-	A secretary entered her boss's office with the announcement: "I have
-some good news and some bad news."
-	He muttered, "It's quarterly report day, Sally -- just the good news."
-	She replied, "You're not sterile."
-%
-A shy young man, preparing himself for what he hoped would be the ultimate sex
-act with a pretty young lady, went into a drugstore to inquire about sizes and
-styles of condoms.  The lusty proprietress, a buxom widow, saw an opportunity
-for fun at the lad's expense.
-	"Come in the back and try some on for size," she said, taking his hand.
-The widow unzipped the youth's fly and watched the small instrument grow in
-her hand as she measured it.  When the weapon had unfurled to a rosy seven and
-a half inches, the young man, unable to contain himself, had an orgasm with a
-tremendous discharge.  After recovering, he asked the widow if she could now
-give him the proper size.
-	"I'll do more than that," she said.  "I'll give you free meals and a
-half interest in the store."
-%
-	A strange looking white man came to the Indian reservation looking
-for a job.  He asked to talk to the Chief of the tribe, so he might give his
-qualifications.  The Chief strode forward from the group surrounding the
-white man and said: "You leave!  No job!"
-	The man explained that this was no ordinary job he was seeking, but
-that of tribe Medicine-Man.  He would convince him if the Chief would allow
-him to demonstrate his magic.  "No magic!" said the disbelieving Chief.
-	"Oh, yeah?", said the stranger.  "I'll prove it to you by making
-your dog, here, talk!"
-	"Dog, no talk!" responded the Chief, but before he could finish, he
-heard a voice coming out of the mouth of the dog saying, "The Chief treats me
-good.  He feeds me, and keeps me in teepee when it snows!"
-	"If you still have doubts as to my magic," continued the stranger,
-"the next voice you'll hear will be that of your horse!"
-	"Horse, no talk!" argued the still-sceptical Chief, but again he
-heard a voice that said: "I am the Chief's favorite horse.  He takes me up to
-the green pasture to eat and brushes my coat when I get dirty."
-	The stranger, still seeing some disbelieving faces, claimed for his
-final trick he would make the Chief's sheep talk.
-	"NO!" cried the Chief, "SHEEP LIE!"
-%
-A stranger had just arrived in the mining town and was spending the evening at
-the local saloon.  After a few drinks, he mentioned to the bartender that he
-hadn't seen a single woman in the entire town.
-	The bartender replied, "Nope.  Ain't no women in this town!"
-	"No women? What do the men do for... er..."
-	"Oh, for sex?  Did you see all those pigs in the street?  That's the
-answer, right there."
-	Shaking his head incredulously, the stranger settled back to his
-drinking.  Within a short time, however, the liquor had convinced him that he
-wanted to try out a pig himself.  He had watched several miners walk upstairs
-to the trysting rooms with squealing piglets under their arms.  Now, he was
-game to make his move.  He wandered out to the back of the saloon and chose
-a nice fat, pink sow.  As he walked to the stairs, the entire saloon went
-quiet.  In the embarassing hush, all eyes were upon him.
-	"What's the matter?  I thought all you fellows did this!"
-	"Yeah, but that's Black Bart's girl," replied the barkeep.
-%
-A sweet young schoolteacher who had always been virtuous was invited to go
-for a ride in the country with the gym instructor, whom she admired.  Under
-a tree on the bank of a quiet lake, she struggled with her conscience and
-with the gym instructor and finally gave in to the latter.  Sobbing
-uncontrollably she asked her seducer,
-	"How can I ever face my students again, knowing I have sinned twice?"
-	"Twice?" asked the young man, confused.
-	"Why, yes," said the sweet teacher, wiping a tear from her eye.
-"You're going to do it again, aren't you?"
-%
-A toast to the kisses you've snatched and vice-versa.
-%
-A vasectomy means never having to say you're sorry.
-%
-A virgin is chaste.
-%
-A virginal is a harpsichord that has never been plucked.
-%
-A virtuous abstinence from the joys of pederasty comes most easily to those
-who have no taste for it.
-		-- Oscar Wilde
-%
-A widow is more sought after than an old maid of the same age.
-		-- Addison
-%
-A witty writer, K. Kraus in the Vienna "Fackel", has as it were, expressed
-this truth paradoxically in the cynical saying: "Coitus is merely an
-unsatisfactory substitute for onanism!"
-		-- Sigmund Freud, attempting to explain why
-		   masturbation is "by no means harmless"
-%
-A woman is driving down the street, her ten-year-old daughter belted into
-the passenger seat.  The daughter asks "Mommy, how old are you?"
-	The mother says "That's a personal question. It's not nice to ask
-people personal questions."
-	The daughter thinks a while, then asks "Mommy, how much do you weigh?"
-	The mother replies "That's a personal question too.  I'm not going
-to tell you."
-	Chastised, the daughter asks no more questions.  The mother parks the
-car. "I'm going to see Mrs. Tristan for a couple of minutes.  You stay here in
-the car and watch my purse."
-	After the mother leaves, the daughter removes her mother's driver's
-license from the purse, studies it for a few minutes and replaces it.  When
-her mother returns they drive off.  The little girl comments:
-	"Mommy, I know how old you are.  You're 32."
-	"That's right!  How did you know?"
-	"And you weigh 119 pounds."
-	"Did you look in my purse?"
-	"And I know why you and Daddy divorced."
-	"You *do*?"
-	"Yes," said the daughter. "Because you flunked sex!"
-%
-"A woman is like a dresser ... some man always goin' through her drawers."
-		-- Blind Lemon Pledge
-%
-A young couple jumped out of their car and dashed into the park.  
-They hurriedly found a secluded spot and began to make frenzied, passionate 
-love.  Shortly thereafter, as they were driving away, the young man turned 
-to her and said, "If I had known you were a virgin, I'd have taken more time."
-
-She replied, "If I had known you had more time, I'd have taken off my
-pantyhose."
-%
-A young man asked his father to lend him $50 for a blowjob, whereupon his
-father solemnly replied, "When I was young we used to settle for a kiss."
-
-The son retorted, "OK, how about $50 for a long low kiss?"
-%
-A young woman was afflicted with three brothers who had a friendly competition
-as to who was the best practical joker.  When she announced her marriage,
-like all good brothers, they immediately found out where the honeymoon would
-be and repaired there to do their worst, er, best.  The brother who was a
-carpenter went first, and came back out in five minutes.  The brother who
-worked as a plumber went second and was out in about half an hour.  Finally,
-the brother employed as a dentist went inside and came out almost immediately.
-A few days after the start of their sister's honeymoon the brothers each
-received a telegram from their sister.  It read:
-
-	I liked the couch falling apart when we sat on it.  I was amused
-	when the shower went cold five minutes after it started.  But I'm
-	going to kill whoever put the novocaine into the KY jelly...
-%
-A.I. hackers do it with robots.
-%
-AC/DC is a rock band.
-                -- Bisexuality, 101
-%
-Admittedly, there are a lot of things that are better than sex, 
-and a lot more that are worse; but there's nothing quite like it...
-%
-After a few steamy dances and a few more drinks, the pickup couple
-are back at his place tearing their clothes off.  Things are really
-starting to heat up when he leaps out of bed and starts frantically
-rummaging through a dresser drawer.
-	"What are you doing?" she asks.
-	"Just a second, honey, I'm trying to find my lucky rubber."
-%
-After an evening at the theatre and several nightcaps at an intimate little
-bistro, the young man whispered to his date, "How do you feel about making
-love to men?"
-	"That's MY business," she snapped.
-	"Ah," he said.  "A professional."
-%
-After cocktails in the Oak Room, the graying millionaire took the blond,
-attractive, wholesome, winning young woman up to his suite.  They chatted
-for a while, and then kissed on the couch.  A little fondling, some feeling
-and petting ... to which the young lady lent herself shyly ... and then they
-were in the wide, cool bed, naked together.  They chatted more, established
-a communion, a rapport the older man considered remarkably gratifying.  The
-girl seemed sympatico, innocent, good.  
-	"Yes, that was it," he thought, "essentially good.  Why, she could 
-be my own daughter."  He smiled into the young girl's deep blue eyes.
-	"Tell me," he asked, his hand on her breast, "What's a nice girl
-like you doing in a hotel like this?"
-	"Oh, about $2000 a week, with tips."
-%
-After I run your program, let's make love like crazed weasels, OK?
-%
-After Joan and Max had been married for 25 years, Max became disinterested
-in sex, and his libido began to wan dramatically.  In desperation, Joan
-hauled him to a marriage couselor, who listened patiently to Joan's complaints
-and Max's protestations.  Max claimed that he was being nagged unmercifully
-to fulfill Joan's needs, and that after awhile every marriage tended to
-become less physical.  Joan said that that wasn't true and that she had
-needs and desires that he, as her husband, was expected to fulfill.  Finally,
-the counselor issued the verdict. "Max," he said, "Everybody has to give a
-little for a marriage to work.  From now on, no matter how you feel at the
-time, you must give Joan her conjugal rights at least semi-annually.  And,
-remember, do it in a loving, considerate manner; after all, you and your
-wife are a partnership of love."  Joan was delighted, and floated out of the
-counselor's offices.  On the way downstairs, she nudged Max.
-
-"So, honey, tell me... how many times a week is semi-annually?"
-%
-After repeatedly warding off her date's amorous advances during the evening,
-the pretty young thing decided to put her foot down: "See here," she shouted
-indignantly.  "This is positively the last time I'm going to tell you `no'."
-
-"Splendid!" exclaimed her date.  "Now we can start making some progress."
-%
-After rushing into a drugstore, the nervous young man was obviously
-embarrassed when a prim thirty-ish woman asked if she could serve him.
-	"N-no," he stammered, "I'd like to see the druggist."
-	"I'm the druggist", she replied cheerfully.
-	"Oh.. well, uh, it's nothing important," he said, and turned to leave.
-	"Young man," said the woman, "my sister and I have been running this
-drugstore for nearly ten years.  There is nothing you can tell us that will
-embarrass us.
-	"Well, all right," he said.  "I have this awful sexual hunger that
-nothing will appease.  No matter how many times I make love, I still want to
-make love again and again.  Is there anything you can give me for it?"
-	"Just a moment," said the woman, "I'll have to discuss this with my
-sister."
-	A few minutes later, she returned.  "The best we can do," she said,
-"is room and board and a half-interest in the business."
-%
-	After spending a forbidden night on the town, two young nuns were
-trying to sneak through the fence surrounding their Convent.
-	"You know," giggled one as she held the wire apart for the other to
-crawl through, "I feel like a Marine."
-	"So do I," the other nun sighed, "but where are we going to find one
-at three in the morning?"
-%
-After we made love he took a piece of chalk and made an outline of my body.
-		-- Joan Rivers
-%
-Ah spring, when a fancy young man lightly turns his lover over.
-%
-Alaska, where Moosehead isn't a beer, it's a misdemeanor.
-
-Q:	You know how to figure out if your lover's been "invovlved"?
-A:	Antler marks on their hips.
-%
-Alcohol is like love: the first kiss is magic, the second is intimate,
-the third is routine.  After that you just take the girl's clothes off.
-		-- Raymond Chandler
-%
-Alex came home from a business trip to Chicago and found no one home but his
-daughter Rose, who was crying bitterly.
-	"What's the matter, darling?" asked Alex.
-	"Mommy almost died last night," sobbed Rose.
-	"That's nonsense," said the father.  "Why do you say that?"
-	"Well," said Rose,"you always told us that when we die we'll see God;
-so when I heard Mommy moaning last night I rushed to her bedroom and she was
-screaming, "Oh God, here I come," and she would have but Uncle Jerry held her
-down."
-%
-"Algorithms" is an anagram for "Hilt orgasm".  Maybe this explains
-the popularity of this field of study in computer science.
-%
-All a hacker needs is a tight PUSHJ, a loose pair of UUOs, and a warm
-place to shift.
-%
-"All I need is a little room to lay my hat and a few friends."
-		-- Dorothy Parker to a real estate agent,
-		   on looking for an apartment
-%
-All I really want in life is a piece and some quiet.
-%
-Always talk to your wife while you're making love... if there's a phone handy.
-%
-America cannot be sold a can of beer without being offered a piece of
-pussy along with it.
-		-- Julius Lester
-%
-America's two greatest inventions are finger-fucking and carpet-bombing.
-		-- Lyndon B. Johnson
-%
-An 11 is a 10 who doesn't have headaches.
-%
-An acid is like a woman:  a good one will eat through your pants.
-		-- Mel Gibson, Saturday Night Live
-%
-An Aggie was appointed ambassador to Japan.  Two weeks before
-officially reporting to the embassy, he went from geisha house to geisha
-house.  While making love to a geisha girl, he heard her repeat, "Yaki-san,
-yaki-san."
-	Right away the Aggie thought to himself, "I've learned my first
-Japanese word.  It must be an expression of joy."
-	When he reported to the embassy, he received his first assignment,
-which was to escort the prime minister of Japan around the golf course.
-After having played a couple of holes, the prime minister teed-off and made
-a hole-in-one.  The prime minister jumped up and down shouting, "Bonsai!
-Bonsai!"
-	Quickly, thinking that this was the perfect chance to show off the
-new Japanese word that he'd learned, the Aggie exclaimed, "Yaki-san,
-yaki-san!"
-	The prime minister turned to the Aggie in surprise and exclaimed,
-"What do you mean, wrong hole?"
-%
-An egg has the shortest sex-life of all: if gets laid once; it gets
-eaten once.  It also has to come in a box with 11 others, and the only
-person who will sit on its face is its mother.
-%
-An eighty-year-old woman is rocking away the afternoon on her
-porch when she sees an old, tarnished lamp sitting near the steps.  She
-picks it up, rubs it gently, and lo and behold a genie appears!  The genie
-tells the woman the he will grant her any three wishes her heart desires.
-	After a bit of thought, she says, "I wish I were young and
-beautiful!"  And POOF!  In a cloud of smoke she becomes a young, beautiful,
-voluptuous woman.
-	After a little more thought, she says, "I would like to be rich
-for the rest of my life."  And POOF!  When the smoke clears, there are
-stacks and stacks of money lying on the porch.
-	The genie then says, "Now, madam, what is your final wish?"
-	"Well," says the woman, "I would like for you to transform my
-faithful old cat, whom I have loved dearly for fifteen years, into a young
-handsome prince!"
-	And with another billow of smoke the cat is changed into a tall,
-handsome, young man, with dark hair, dressed in a dashing uniform.
-	As they gaze at each other in adoration, the prince leans over to
-the woman and whispers into her ear, "Now, aren't you sorry you had me
-fixed?"
-%
-And having stretched me out upon his bed with my head a little to one side,
-he sat down next to me and raised my head upon his lap.  He peered avidly at
-me, his eyes seemed ready to devour the secretion oozing from my nose.  "Oh,
-the pretty little snotface," said he, beginning to pant, "How I'm going to
-suck her."  Therewith bending down over me, and taking my nose in his mouth,
-not only did he devour all the mucus between my nose and mouth, but he even
-lewdly darted the tip of his tongue into each of my nostrils, one after the
-other, and with such cleverness he provoked two or three sneezes which
-redoubled the flow he desired and was consuming so hungrily.  But ask me for
-no details bearing upon this fellow, Messieurs, nothing appeared, and whether
-because he did nothing, or becaues he did it all in his drawers, there was
-nothing to be seen, and amidst the multitude of his kisses and lecherous
-lickings there was nothing outstanding which might have denoted an ecstasy,
-and consequently it is my opinion that he did not discharge.  All my clothes
-were in place, even his hands stayed still, and I give you my word that this
-old libertine's fantasy might be performed upon the world's most repectable
-and least initiated girl without her being able to suppose there was anything
-lewd in it at all.
-		-- Marquis de Sade
-%
-Another nun joke!!!
-	You see, three nuns were walking down the street, when suddenly
-this flasher jumped out in front of them and opened his trench coat,
-exposing his all to the sisters.  Well, two of the nuns had strokes right
-there, but the third nun wouldn't touch it.
-%
-Any girl who believes that the way to a man's heart is through
-his stomach is obviously setting her standards too high.
-%
-APL hackers take all they want.
-%
-Apple owners do it with mice!
-%
-As long as your ass is pointed at the ground, don't fuck with me.
-%
-As my dear auntie used to say, "Love makes the world go 'round, but sex
-makes the ride fun."
-%
-As part of an equal opportunity project, a memo was sent to all the offices
-within External Affairs asking for "A list of all employees broken down by
-sex."
-
-One of the memos was returned with the notation: "I'm sorry: we
-know of nobody in this office who fits your criteria.  We do, however,
-have two alcoholics."
-%
-As she lay there dozing next beside me, a voice inside my head kept saying
-"Relax... you're not the first doctor who's ever slept with one of his
-patients," but another voice kept reminding me, "Howard, you're a veterinarian."
-%
-As the truck driver came flying over the top of a steep hill, he spotted two
-figures in his path rolling around in the middle of the road.  The driver blew
-his horn and braked frantically, but the couple continued their lovemaking, 
-oblivious to his warnings.  The truck finally slid to a halt barely three
-inches from the pair.  "Are you crazy?" the driver screamed at them.  "You
-could have been killed!"
-
-The man stood up and faced the driver.  "Well, I was coming, she was coming
-and you were coming," he panted, "and you were the only one with brakes."
-%
-As you know, birds do not have sexual organs because they would interfere
-with flight.  [In fact, this was the big breakthrough for the Wright
-Brothers.  They were watching birds one day, trying to figure out how to get
-their crude machine to fly, when suddenly it dawned on Wilbur.  "Orville,"
-he said, "all we have to do is remove the sexual organs!" You should have
-seen their original design.] As a result, birds are very, very difficult to
-arouse sexually.  You almost never see an aroused bird.  So when they want
-to reproduce, birds fly up and stand on telephone lines, where they monitor
-telephone conversations with their feet.  When they find a conversation in
-which people are talking dirty, they grip the line very tightly until they
-are both highly aroused, at which point the female gets pregnant.
-		-- Dave Barry, "Sex and the Single Amoeba: What Every
-		   Teen Should Know"
-%
-Asked by reporters about his upcoming marriage to a forty-two-year-old
-woman, director Roman Polanski told reporters, "The way I look at it,
-she's the equivalent of three fourteen-year-olds."
-		-- David Letterman
-%
-Ass, grass or gas... nobody rides for free!
-%
-Assassins do it from behind.
-%
-At her annual checkup, the attractive young woman is told by the doctor that
-it's necessary to take her temperature rectally.  She agrees and bends over
-the examining table, but a few seconds later says indignantly, "Doctor, that's
-NOT my rectum!"
-	"Madam," says the doctor, "that's not my thermometer!"
-	Just then, the woman's husband, hearing her voice, comes into the
-room.  "Just what the hell is going on here?" he demands.
-	"I'm taking your wife's temperature," the doctor cooly replies.
-	"Okay, doc, you know best," says the husband as he picks a scalpel
-off the doctor's desk, "but when that thing comes out, it better have
-numbers on it!"
-%
-Attracted by repeated newspaper advertisements, and realizing that
-his waist had gone both East and West despite his daily racquetball, a young
-executive appeared at a local health resort.  Looking over the several weight
-loss plans offered, he selected one guaranteed to reduce his weight by two
-pounds per day.  After a light breakfast, and a almost non-existent lunch, he
-was escorted to a large room, where a young, attractive woman told him that
-"if he caught her, he could have her".  After an hour of hard running, he
-finally gave up; and weighing himself, was comforted to realize that he had
-lost just under three pounds.  Returning the next week, he chose the plan that
-was to reduce his weight by four pounds per session.  After following the same
-regimen, he was again escorted to a large room, but after two hours of running,
-he caught the young woman.  Weight loss, just over four pounds.  Returning the
-following week, he chose to lose eight pounds in a single day.  He was shown
-to the largest room he'd seen, by far, where he was confronted by a extremely
-muscular, burly man, who looked him square in the eye, flung his towel into
-a corner, and snarled, "You know the rules.  Start running!"
-%
-Attractive bisexual young woman seeks same for high mellow times.
-%
-B4 I4Q, RU/18 QT 3.1415926535?
-%
-Bankers do it with interest (penalty for early withdrawal).
-%
-Barbra Walters was doing a documentary on the customs of American
-Indians.  After a tour of a reservation they were on, she was curious as to
-the number of feathers in the headdresses.  She asked a brave who had only
-one feather in his headdress.  His reply was, "Me have only one squaw, me
-have only one feather."  She asked another brave, feeling the first fellow
-was only joking.  This brave had four feathers in his headdress.  He replied,
-"Me have four feathers, because me sleep with four squaws."
-	Still not convinced the number of feathers indicated the number of
-squaws involved, she decided to interview the Chief.  Now the Chief had a
-headdress full of feathers which, needless to say, amused Ms. Walters.
-Ms. W:	"Why do you have so many feathers in your headdress?"
-Chief:	"Me Chief, me fuck-em all, big, small, fat, tall, me fuck-em all."
-Ms. W:	"You ought to be hung!"
-Chief:	"You damned right, me hung.  Big like buffalo, long like snake."
-Ms. W:	"You don't have to be so hostile!"
-Chief:	"Hoss-style, dog-style, wolf-style, any-style, me fuck-em all."
-Ms. W:	"Oh, dear!"
-Chief:	"No deer, me no fuck deer.  Asshole too high and fuckers run
-		too fast."
-%
-BEAT ME, BITE ME, WHIP ME, FUCK ME!!!
-%
-Beat me, bite me, whip me, fuck me, make me write bad checks!
-%
-Before he went off to the wars, King Arthur locked his lovely wife, 
-Guinevere, into her chastity belt.  Then he summoned his loyal friend and 
-subject Sir Lancelot.  "Lancelot, noble knight," said Arthur, "within this 
-sturdy belt is imprisoned the virtue of my wife.  The key to this chaste 
-treasure I will entrust to only one man in the world.  To you."
-	Humbled before this great honor, Lancelot knelt, received his king's 
-blessing and took charge of the key.  Arthur mounted his steed and rode off.  
-Not half a mile from his castle, he heard hoofbeats behind him and turned to 
-see Sir Lancelot riding hard to catch up with him.
-	"What is amiss, my friend?" asked the king.
-	"My lord," gasped Lancelot, "you have given me the wrong key!"
-%
-"Before we get married," said the young woman to her fiancee, "I want to
-confess some affairs that I've had in the past."
-	"But you told me all about those a few weeks ago," her young man
-replied. 
-	"Yes, darling," she explained, "but that was a few weeks ago."
-%
-Bend over and take it like a man!
-%
-Between two evils, I always pick the one I never tried before.
-		-- Mae West
-%
-Bi now, gay later!
-%
-Bill and Jim were walking home from work.  As they walked along, they 
-discussed their wives' spending habits.  "I don't understand how women 
-can spend so much money," Bill exclaimed.  "I mean, understand, she 
-don't drink, and she's got her own pussy!"
-%
-Bill had just returned from a week of honeymooning, and his best 
-friend asked him how it went.
-	"The first night we did it nine times," Bill said.  "The second 
-night, eight times.  The third night, seven times.  The fourth night, six 
-times.  The fifth night, five times.  The sixth night, four times, and the 
-last night, nothing!"
-	"Nothing?" his pal asked.  "How come?"
-	"Hey, you ever tried putting a marshmallow in a parking meter?"
-%
-Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night.
-		-- Woody Allen
-%
-Bookstores will soon be stocking a volume called "The Unsensuous
-Census Taker".  It's about a guy who comes once every ten years.
-%
-Brain on vacation, penis on autopilot.
-%
-	"Breakfast sometime?"
-	"Sure."
-	"Shall I call you or just nudge you?"
-%
-"But if it's 80% glucose, then why does it taste salty?"
-		-- Anonymous med school student.
-%
-... But the reward of a successful collaboration is a thing that cannot
-be produced by either of the parties working alone.  It is akin to the
-benefits of sex with a partner, as opposed to masturbation.  The latter
-is fun, but you show me anyone who has gotten a baby from playing with
-him or herself, and I'll show you an ugly baby, with just a whole bunch
-of knuckles.
-		-- Harlan Ellison
-%
-But we've only fondled the surface of that subject.
-		-- Virginia Masters, of Master & Johnson
-%
-Buy old masters.  They fetch better prices than old mistresses.
-		-- Lord Beaverbrook
-%
-Call for Ms. Lingus, Ms. Connie Lingus...
-%
-	"Can you hammer a 6-inch spike into a wooden plank with your penis?"
-	"Uh, not right now."
-	"Tsk.  A girl has to have some standards."
-		-- "Real Genius"
-%
-Chaste makes waste.
-%
-Chastity is its own punishment.
-%
-Claude believed that only smart attractive people had the right to fuck,
-and it sincerely hurt him when he discovered evidence to the contrary.
-		-- Tom Robbins, "Jitterbug Perfume"
-%
-Close the door, let me give you what you've been waiting for!!
-%
-Coffee without caffeine.  Beer without alcohol.  Milk without fat.
-What's next?  Bridal suites with bunk beds?
-		-- Orben's Current Comedy
-%
-Coito ergo sum.
-%
-Coitus is punishment for the happiness of being together.  Live as
-ascetically as possible... that is the only possible way for me to
-endure marriage.  But she?
-		-- Franz Kafka
-%
-College is like a woman -- you work so hard to get in, and nine months later
-you wish you'd never come.
-%
-Come up and see me sometime.  Come Wednesday, that's amateur night.
-		-- Mae West
-%
-Commit the oldest sins the newest kind of ways.
-		-- William Shakespeare, "Henry IV"
-%
-Communists do it without class.
-%
-Computer scientists are programmed to do it by macro insertion.
-%
-Condoms are like listening to a symphony with cotton in your ears.
-
-	[Taking a shower in raincoat?  Ed.]
-%
-Condoms are the feminists' revenge on men for diaphrams.
-		-- Robin Williams
-%
-Confucious say:
-	a smart man knows on which side his broad is better.
-%
-Confucious say:
-	boy who play with himself pulls boner.
-%
-Confucious say:
-	child conceived in back seat of car with automatic transmission
-		turn out to be shiftless bastard.
-%
-Confucious say:
-	eplileptic woman who give blow-job may bite big one.
-%
-Confucious say:
-	fool man climb tree to get cherries;  wise man spread limbs.
-%
-Confucious say:
-	Kotex not best thing on earth, but next to best.
-%
-Confucious say:
-	man and mouse the same, both end up in pussy.
-%
-Confucious say:
-	man who arrives late to party will find himself beaten to the punch!
-%
-Confucious say:
-	man who beat off in car have hot rod.
-%
-Confucious say:
-	man who fights with wife all day, gets not peace at night.
-%
-Confucious say:
-	man who fishes in other man's well often catch crabs.
-%
-Confucious say:
-	man who go to bed with sex problem wake up with solution in hand.
-%
-Confucious say:
-	man who kicked in testicles get left holding bag.
-%
-Confucious say:
-	man who kiss girl's behind, get crack in face.
-%
-Confucious say:
-	man who lay girl on hill, not on level.
-%
-Confucious say:
-	man who lie under car, get tired -- man who stand behind car,
-		get exhausted.
-%
-Confucious say:
-	man who live in glass house should bathe in the basement.
-%
-Confucious say:
-	man who lose key to girlfriend's apartment get no new key.
-%
-Confucious say:
-	man who make love on ground have piece on Earth.
-%
-Confucious say:
-	man who make oral love to epileptic woman may get tongue-tied.
-%
-Confucious say:
-	man who marry girl with no bust has right to feel low down.
-%
-Confucious say:
-	man who pull out too fast leave rubber.
-%
-Confucious say:
-	man who screws near graveyard is fucking near dead.
-%
-Confucious say:
-	man who sleep in road wake up with run-down feeling.
-%
-Confucious say:
-	man who sleeps with old hen finds it's better than pullet.
-%
-Confucious say:
-	man who streak unsuited for work.
-%
-Confucious say:
-	man who suck nipples make clean breast of things.
-%
-Confucious say:
-	man with athletic finger make broad jump
-%
-Confucious say:
-	man with head up ass have shitty outlook on life.
-%
-Confucious say:
-	man with hole in pocket feel cocky all day.
-%
-Confucious say:
-	modern house without toilet uncanny.
-%
-Confucious say:
-	passionate kiss like spider web, lead to undoing of fly.
-%
-Confucious say:
-	seven days on honeymoon make one hole weak.
-%
-Confucious say:
-	squirrel who run up woman's leg not find nuts.
-%
-Confucious say:
-	woman should not marry basketball players -- they dribble before
-		they shoot.
-%
-Confucious say:
-	woman who bathe in vinegar have sour puss.
-%
-Confucious say:
-	woman who cooks carrots and pees in same pot very unsanitary.
-%
-Confucious say:
-	woman who fly upside down in airplane have big crack up.
-%
-Confucious say:
-	woman who goes to man's apartment for snack, may get tit bit.
-%
-Confucious say:
-	woman who put man in dog house find him in cat house.
-%
-Confucious say:
-	woman who ride bicycle peddle ass around town.
-%
-Confucious say:
-	woman who slide down bannister make monkey shine.
-%
-Confucious say:
-	woman who spring on inner-spring this spring, have off-spring
-		next spring.
-%
-Confucious say:
-	woman's irginity like balloon, one prick and all gone.
-%
-Conserve energy -- make love more slowly.
-%
-Consider the little mouse, how sagacious an animal it is which never
-entrusts its life to one hole only.
-		-- Titus Maccius Plautus
-%
-Couples in motion have moments.
-%
-Critics are like eunuchs in a harem: they know how it's done, they've
-seen it done every day, but they're unable to do it themselves.
-		-- Brendan Behan
-%
-Cunnilingus is next to cleanliness.
-%
-Cunnilingus is next to godliness.
-%
-Dance is the vertical expression of a horizontal intention.
-%
-"Darling", said the young bride, "tell me what's bothering you.
-We promised to share all our joys and sorrows, remember?"
-	"But this is different," protested her husband.
-	"Together, darling," she insisted, "we will bear the burden.
-Now tell me what our problem is."
-	"Well," said the husband, "we've just become the father of a
-bastard child."
-%
-"Darling," he breathed, "after making love I doubt if I'll 
-be able to get over you -- so would you mind answering the phone?"
-%
-"Darling," she whispered, "will you still love me after we are married?"
-
-He considered this for a moment and then replied, "I think so. I've
-always been especially fond of married women."
-%
-Dear Abby:
-	I just met the most terrific girl and we get along fabulously.  I
-think she's the one for me.  There's just one problem: I can't remember
-from our first date if she told me she had TB or VD.  What should I do?
-			--Confused
-
-Dear Confused:
-	If she coughs, fuck her.
-%
-Demonstrating once again the importance of the lowly comma, this
-telegram was sent from a wife to her husband:
-	"NOT GETTING ANY, BETTER COME HOME AT ONCE."
-%
-Desperate because her husband hadn't made love to her in months, a lonely
-housewife finally mustered her courage and went to their doctor for advice.
-The doctor was very sympathetic and wrote out a prescription for pills that
-were guaranteed to rekindle the husband's ardor in a big way.  "They'll make
-him horny as hell," the doctor confided, "but they're very potent, so just
-put one in whatever he's drinking."
-	Upon arriving home, the woman left the pills on the kitchen counter
-and dashed off to the supermarket.  It didn't take long before the cat jumped
-up, knocked them over onto the floor, and ate a couple, as did the family
-dog.  And when the husband got home with a headache, he took a few thinking
-they were aspirin.
-	When the housewife returned, she was horrified to see the dog humping
-the cat and the cat jumping all over the dog, but even stranger was the sight
-of her husband with his penis inside the pencil sharpener on the counter.
-"What in heaven's name are you doing, John?" she cried.
-	"See that mosquito?" he replied.
-%
-Dial 911.  Make a cop come.
-%
-Did Detroit invent the back seat to destroy the morals of America?
-		-- Ed Sanders
-%
-Did you ever notice that everyone in favour of birth control has already
-been born?
-		-- Benny Hill
-%
-Distributed Systems people do it loosely coupled.
-%
-DIVE!!!  DIVE!!!  DIVE!!!
-UP PERISCOPE!!!
-
-(Ooops, sorry, wrong fantasy.)
-%
-Do I like getting drunk?  Depends on who's doing the drinking.
-		-- Amy Gorin
-%
-Do infants have as much fun in infancy as adults do in adultery?
-%
-Do not stoop to tie your laces in your neighbor's melon patch.
-%
-Do something big -- fuck a giant.
-%
-"Do you cheat on your wife?" asked the psychiatrist.
-
-"Who else?" answered the patient.
-%
-	"Do you smoke after sex?"
-	"Why, do you know, I've never looked!"
-%
-Doctors take two aspirin and do it in the morning.
-%
-Documentation is like sex:  when it is good, it is very, very good; and
-when it is bad, it is better than nothing.
-		-- Dick Brandon
-%
-	Does anyone know how to get chocolate syrup and honey out of a
-white electric blanket?  I'm afraid to wash it in the machine.
-
-Thanks, Kathy.  (front desk, x17)
-
-p.s.	Also, anyone ever used Noxema on friction burns? Or is Vaseline better?
-%
-Doin' it in the dark, down in Rock Creek Park.
-%
-Don't knock masturbation, it's sex with someone I love.
-		-- Woody Allen
-%
-Don't let your mouth write no check that your tail can't cash.
-		-- Bo Diddley
-%
-Don't look now -- your office mate is a pederast!!!
-%
-Don't look now, but your mother is having sex with a horse.
-%
-Drinking when we are not thirsty and making love at all seasons, madam:
-that is all there is to distinguish us from the other animals.
-		-- Pierre de Beaumarchais, "Le Marriage de Figaro"
-%
-Dry fucking: that's man on top of woman, the action is the same as fucking,
-but you're dressed.  It's great for the girl... you're hitting and rubbing
-exactly the area that you ought to be... I still like that.
-		-- Grace Slick
-%
-During a session with a marriage counselor, the wife snapped at her 
-husband: "That's not true, I do enjoy sex!"  Then, turning to the counselor,
-she added: "But this fiend expects it three or four times a year!"
-%
-Ed, a traveling salesman, had his car break down in the middle of a 
-blizzard.  He trudged to a nearby farmhouse where the farmer told him that, 
-while they were short of beds, he could sleep with his daughter.  She proved 
-to be eighteen and beautiful.   So they went to bed, and shortly, Ed made a 
-pass at the daughter.  "Stop that!" she said.  "I'll call my father."  
-	He desisted.  But half an hour later he made another attempt.  "Uh, 
-stop ... that," she said.  "I'll call my father."
-	But she moved closer to him, so he made a third try.  This time, no
-protest, no threat.  Just as Ed, satisfied, was about to drowse off, she 
-tugged at his pajama sleeve.  "Could we do that again?" she asked.  
-	Ed obliged, and this time fell asleep only to be awakened by the 
-tug at his sleeve.  "Again?"  
-	And again Ed obliged.  But when his sleep was once more interrupted
-by the tugging at his pajama sleeve, Ed indignantly pulled it away from her
-and mumbled, "Stop that!  Or I'll call your father."
-%
-EE's do it without shorts.
-%
-Electrical Engineers do it with less resistance.
-%
-Evangelists do it with Him watching.
-%
-Ever notice that the women who are against abortion are the ones you
-wouldn't want to fuck in the first place?
-		-- George Carlin
-%
-Every dog has its day, but the nights belong to the pussycats.
-%
-Every harlot was a virgin once.
-		-- William Blake
-%
-Everyone in the smart nightclub was amazed by the old gentleman, 
-obviously pushing 70, tossing off manhattans and cavorting around the dance 
-floor like a 20-year old.  Finally curiousity got the best of the cigarette 
-girl.  "I beg your pardon, sir," she said, "but I'm amazed to see a gentleman
-of your age living it up like a youngster.  Tell me, are all of your faculties
-unimpaired?"
-	The old fellow looked up at the girl sadly and shook his head.  "Not 
-all, I'm afraid." he said.  "Just last evening I went nightclubbing with a 
-girlfriend -- we drank and danced all night and finally rolled into her place 
-about two A.M.  We went to bed immediately, and I was asleep almost as soon
-as my head hit the pillow.  I woke around three-thirty and nudged my girl."
-	"Why, George," she said in suprise, "we did that fifteen minutes ago."
-	"So you see," the old boy said sadly, "my memory is beginning to 
-fail me."
-%
-Except for 75% of the women, everyone in the whole world wants to have sex.
-		-- Ellyn Mustard
-%
-	Farmer Johnson was drunk again.
-	"You know, Anna," he said to his long-suffering wife, "if you could
-only lay eggs we could get rid of all those damn chickens."
-	Anna said nothing.  Farmer Johnson tried again.  "You know, Anna, if
-only you could give milk we could get rid of that expensive herd of cows."
-	Anna looked at him coolly. "You know, Jack," she said, "if only you
-could get it up once in a while we could get rid of your brother Bob."
-%
-Father:	Son, it's time we talked about sex.
-Son:	Sure, Dad, what do you want to know?
-%
-Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.
-%
-	"First, I'm going to buy you a few drinks and get you a little tight,"
-said the guy aggressively.
-	"Oh, no, you're not," said the girl.
-	"Then I'll take you to dinner at the most exclusive restaurant in 
-town."
-	"Oh, no, you won't."
-	"Then I'll take you to my apartment and mix up a pitcher of daiquiris."
-	"Oh, no, you won't."
-	"Then I'm going to make violent, mad, passionate love to you."
-	"Oh, no, you're not."
-	"And I'm not going to take any precautions either!" said the guy.
-	"Oh, yes, you are!!" said the girl.
-%
-Floppy now, hard later.
-%
-For a gay time, call 555-9483.  Ask for Brucie.
-%
-For a good time, call 555-9484.  Ask for Cathy.
-%
-For a good time, call 555-9485.  Ask for Michael.
-%
-For children, a woman.
-For pleasure, a boy.
-For sheer ecstasy, a melon.
-%
-For flavor, instant sex will never supercede the stuff you have to peel
-and cook.
-		-- Quentin Crisp
-%
-For her first week's salary the gorgeous new secretary was given an 
-exquisite nightgown of imported lace.  The next week her salary was raised!
-%
-FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE DIFFERENCES BETWEEN MEN AND WOMEN:	#15
-
-Sex:
-	Women prefer 30-40 minutes of foreplay.  Men prefer 30-40 seconds of
-foreplay.  Men consider driving back to her place as part of the foreplay.
-
-Maturity:
-	Women mature much faster than men.  Most 17-year-old females can
-function as adults.  Most 17-year-old males are still trading baseball cards
-and giving each other wedgies after gym class.  This is why high school
-romances rarely work out.
-
-Handwriting:
-	To their credit, men do not decorate their penmanship.  They just
-chicken-scratch.  Women use scented, colored stationary and they dot their
-"i's" with circles and hearts.  Women use ridiculously large loops in their
-"p's" and "g's".  It is a royal pain to read a note from a woman.  Even
-when she's dumping you, she'll put a smiley face at the end of the note.
-%
-FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE DIFFERENCES BETWEEN MEN AND WOMEN:	#18
-
-Sexual frequency:
-	The average man would prefer having sex every evening, or every
-morning, or maybe both if he's under 25.  The average woman would like to
-have sex non-stop all weekend, once a month.
-
-Shopping:
-	It's no coincidence that L.L. Bean, Sears, and Roebuck were all men.
-Men don't like to shop.  If a man can't foist the job off on some woman, he
-will grit his teeth and plan the outing as he would a jungle expedition.
-He wants a map of the store showing where he has to go to get item X in
-color Y in the correct size, which he doesn't know.  Even then it takes him
-half an hour to get there from the entrance.  When he's finally accomplished
-his mission, he'll discover that he forgot his checkbook.  Women shop to
-relax.
-%
-Fortune personals:
-	SDW/M, 35, offers French lessons for ladies.
-	If you desire fluency in the French tongue,
-	this cunning linguist can lick your problem.
-	Fortune -- P.O. Box 478
-%
-Fortune Personals:
-	SWBiM, 29.  Gr/Fr/Mild English.  Have
-	own moose, hoop.  Sincere inquiries
-	only.  Discreet.  Fortune P.O. Box 1910.
-%
-Fortune presents:
-	USEFUL PHRASES IN ESPERANTO, #3.
-
-Kie estas la plej proksima masa^gejo?	Where's the nearest massage parlor?
-Vi dolorigas min.			You're hurting me.
-Mi deziras viziti usonan kuraciston.	I want to see an American doctor.
-Mi deziras a^ceti kontraugraveda^jojn.	I would like to buy some
-						contraceptives.
-^Cu tiu estis ankau bona por ci?	Was it good for you too?
-%
-Fortune presents:
-	USEFUL PHRASES IN ESPERANTO, #4.
-Mia ^svebo^sipo estas plena je angiloj.	My hovercraft is full of eels.
-Neniu anticipas la hispanan		No one expects the Spanish
-	Inkvizicion.				Inquisition.
-La solvo estas kvardekdu.		The answer is forty-two.
-Adiau, kaj dankoj por ^ciom da fi^so.	So long, and thanks for all the fish.
-^Cu estas krajono en via po^so, au ^cu	Is that a pencil in your pocket,
-	vi feli^cas pri vidi min?		or are you happy to see me?
-%
-Fortune understands that the vote on a bill to legalize bisexuality
-could go either way.
-%
-Fortune's Guide to Movies:
-G:   No girl.
-PG:  The hero gets the girl.
-R:   The bad guy gets the girl, then the good guy gets the girl.
-X:   The hero still gets the girl in the end, but he's never sure
-	which end it will be.
-XXX: Everybody gets the girl.
-%
-					FROM THE DESK OF
-					Snow White
-
-Dear Snow White:
-
-	Thanks for last night.
-
-		Sleepy, Doc, Grumpy, Sneezy, Happy, Dopey, Bashful
-%
-Gardeners do it in raised beds.
-%
-	"Gee, Mudhead, everyone at More Science High has an extracurricular 
-activity except you."
-	"Well, gee, doesn't Louise count?"
-	"Only to ten, Mudhead."
-
-			-- Firesign Theater
-%
-Gentlemen prefer blondes, but who says blondes prefer gentlemen?
-		-- Mae West
-%
-Geometry teaches us to bisex angels.
-%
-George, after tying on a whopper the night before, woke up in the morning to
-find a pathetically unattractive woman sleeping blissfully beside him.  He
-leaped out of bed, dressed quickly, and furtively placed $100 on top of the
-bureau.  He then started to tiptoe out of the room.  But, as he passed the
-foot of the bed, he felt a tug at his trouser leg.  Glancing down, he saw 
-another female even homelier than the one he'd left in bed.  She gazed up 
-at him soulfully, and asked, "Nothing for the bridesmaid?"
-%
-Girls are like pianos.  When they're not upright, they're grand!
-%
-Girls who put out are tramps.  Girls who don't are ladies.  This is,
-however, a rather archaic use of the word.  Should one of you boys happen
-upon a girl who doesn't put out, do not jump to the conclusion that you
-have found a lady.  What you have probably found is a lesbian.
-		-- Fran Lebowitz, "Metropolitan Life"
-%
-Girls would never stay out late if guys didn't make them.
-%
-Give a man a free hand and he'll run it all over you.
-		-- Mae West
-%
-Go out with girls Dutch treat -- pay for dinner, drinks, and the movie,
-and the rest of the evening is on her.
-%
-God built a compelling sex drive into every creature, no matter
-what style of fucking it practiced.  He made sex irresistibly pleasurable,
-wildly joyous, free from fears.  He made it innocent merriment.
-	Needless to say, fucking was an immediate smash hit.  Everyone
-agreed, from aardvarks to zebras.  All the jolly animals -- lions and
-lambs, rhinoceroses and gazelles, skylarks and lobsters, even insects,
-though most of them fuck only once in a lifetime -- fucked along
-innocently and merrily for hundreds of millions of years.  Maybe they
-were dumb animals, but they knew a good thing when they had one.
-		-- Alan Sherman, "The Rape of the A*P*E*"
-%
-Hackers do it bottom-up.
-%
-Hackers do it with all sorts of characters.
-%
-Hackers do it with bugs.
-%
-Hackers do it with fewer instructions.
-%
-Hackers have kernel knowledge.
-%
-Hackers know all the right MOVs.
-%
-Hang gliders go down very slowly.
-%
-	Harry constantly irritated his friends with his eternal optimism.
-No matter how bad the situation, he would always say, "Well, it could have
-been worse."
-	To cure him of his annoying habit, his friends decided to invent a
-situation so completely black, so dreadful, that even Harry could find no 
-hope in it.  Approaching him at the club bar one day, one of them said,
-"Harry!  Did you hear what happened to George?  He came home last night,
-found his wife in bed with another man, shot them both, and then turned
-the gun on himself!"
-	"Terrible," said Harry.  "But it could have been worse."
-	"How in hell," demanded his dumfounded friend, "could it possibly
-have been worse?"
-	"Well," said Harry, "if it had happened the night before, I'd be
-dead right now."
-%
-	Harry was delighted when he found a young woman who accepted his
-proposal of marriage as he was pretty sensitive about his artificial leg
-and afraid that no one would have him.  In fact, he couldn't bring himself
-to tell his fiancee about his leg when he slipped the ring on her finger,
-nor when she bought the dress, nor when they picked the time and place.
-All he kept saying was, "Darling, I've got a big surprise for you," at which
-she blushed and smiled bewitchingly.
-	The wedding came and went, and the young couple were at last alone
-in their honeymoon suite. "Now don't forget, Harry, you promised me a big
-surprise," smiled the bride.
-	Unable to say a word, Harry turned out the lights, unstrapped his
-leg, slipped into bed, and placed his wife's hand on the stump.
-	"Hmmmmm," she said softly, "that IS a surprise. But pass me the
-Vaseline and I'll see what I can do!"
-%
-Have you ever tried to tickle yourself?  Everybody has some wacko aunt or
-uncle that can just point at you and have you rolling with laughter.  But
-if you shove your fist in your underarm for a week and a half you won't
-laugh.  Somehow your underarm just knows that it's *your* fist.  Thank God
-other parts of our bodies are dumber.
-%
-Having discovered the possibility that other creatures could be used
-for sexual intercourse, early man was likely to have made many such
-attempts... though it is doubtful that he was so sexually carnivorous
-as the Christian and Jewish Adam, who, rabbinical interpreters of the
-Old Testament tell us, had intercourse with every creature before God
-finally hit upon the idea of woman and created Eve.
-		-- R.E. Masters
-%
-Having lost his potency years before, the octogenarian was desperate to
-satisfy his new 18-year-old wife.  He visited a gypsy woman with magical
-powers.
-	After the man downed a foul-tasting potion, the gypsy said, "There.
-Now the words beep-beep will give you an enormous erection.  Repeating
-the phrase will make it disappear.  But remember," she cautioned, "it will
-work only three times.  Make use of them wisely."
-	As the old man left, he decided to test her prediction.  "Beep-beep,"
-he said, and sure enough, he got the biggest erection of his life.
-"Beep-beep", he repeated.  It went away.
-	He sped through traffic on his way home.  "Beep-beep," honked a taxi.
-The old man gasped as he instantly got hard.
-	"Beep-beep," honked a truck.  His erection wilted.
-	Pulling into his driveway at last, the frantic man rushed inside
-and found his nubile wife lying on the bed reading a novel.
-	"Have I got a surprise for you," he said, tearing off his clothes.
-"Beep-beep!"
-	"Hold on a second," his wife said, eyeing his magnificent erection.
-"What's all this beep-beep shit?"
-%
-He does it with a better grace, but I do it more natural.
-		-- William Shakespeare, "Twelfth-Night"
-%
-He had heard that a certain whorehouse had a reputation for the bizarre.
-So he drove to the place and, once inside, asked the Madam if she had anything
-unusual for him to try.  "Things are pretty slow today," she said, "but I
-do have one number you might enjoy."  She went on to describe a New Jersey
-hen that had been trained to do blow jobs.
-	"We've got her here, but only for the day."
-	The visitor could hardly believe it, but he paid the fee and went
-into a room with a hen.  After a frustrating hour of trying to force his
-cock into the hen's mouth, he figured out that he was dealing with nothing
-but a plain old chicken.  He left.  Thinking about it later, he decided
-that he had had so much fun trying that he returned the few days later and
-asked the Madam, "Do you have anything new today?"
-	"Come this way," she said, and led him to a dark room where a group
-of men were looking through a one-way mirror.  He saw that they were watching
-a girl making it with a large doberman pinscher.
-	"Wow!" he said to the man standing next to him.  "This is really
-great!"
-	The man replied, "Man, it ain't nothin'!  You shoulda been here
-a week ago and seen the guy with the chicken!"
-%
-He used to kiss her on her lips, but it's all over now.
-%
-He was not only a great swordsman, but also a cunning linguist.
-%
-He was so ugly hookers used to tell him, "Not on the first date."
-%
-He who findeth sensuous pleasures in the bodies of lush, hot,
-pink damsels is not righteous, but he can have a lot more fun.
-%
-He's gallantry personified, in fact, his brochures ought to
-read satisfaction guaranteed, or your virginity returned intact.
-%
-He's learned about 50% of the rules of sex and conversation;
-he knows how to stick it in, but not how to stick it out.
-%
-He:	"If I made love to you, would you yell?"
-She:	"What do you want me to yell?"
-		-- Benny Hill
-%
-He:	Do you like Kipling?
-She:	Oh, you naughty boy, I don't know!  I've never kippled!
-%
-Heisenberg may have done it.
-%
-Hello, children!!
-	This is Uncle Dennis welcoming you to your very own fortune.
-	Today we are going to hear a story, so sit right here on my lap
-	and we can all start.  Comfortable?  Ah, yes, ah... Ah? Ah!!
-
-	One day, Rikki, the magic Pixie, went to visit Daisy Bumble in her
-	tumbledown cottage.  He found her in the bedroom. Roughly he
-	grabbed her heaving ******* pulling her down on the bed and
-	hurriedly ripping off her thin *******.
-
-	Old Nick, the Sea Captain was a rough tough jolly sort of fellow.
-	He loved the life of the sea and he loved to hang out down by the
-	pier where the men dressed as ladies ****** **** ******* *******
-	of ***** ****** **** the ****** with a melon.
-
-	Rumpletweezer ran the Dinky Tinky shop in the foot of the Magic
-	oak tree by the wobbly dum-dum tree in the shade of the enchanted
-	glen down in Dingly Dell.  Here he sold contraceptives, ********
-	and various appliances *** ******** *** ***** naked fun and *****
-	the ******** ******* *** into six or seven pairs.
-%
-Help!  I'm a lesbian trapped in a gay man's body!
-                -- Bisexuality, 101
-%
-Her kisses left something to be desired: the rest of her.
-%
-Hey baby!
-
-How 'bout a brutal face fuck?
-%
-HEY KIDS!  ANN LANDERS SAYS:
-	Remember, oral sex CAN cause pregnancy, unless you use an
-oral contraceptive.  See your family planning clinic today!
-%
-HEY, KIDS!  ANN LANDERS SAYS:
-	Masturbation isn't as simple as it looks.  Do it right!
-Send 50 cents for my illustrated booklet "Masturbation techniques
-for the teenager".  Be sure to specify the male or female edition.
-%
-HOT TUB TIPS FOR WOMEN
-	Vol. I -- Etiquette
-
-1. It's not lady-like to straddle a water jet, moan in ecstasy, and then
-	scream at the top of your lungs, "Oh, yes, YES, BABY!"
-2. Washing your partner's back is sexy.  Washing your panty hose is not.
-3. Nude bathing with strangers can be a pleasant experience; don't spoil
-	it for everyone with a thoughtless remark, such as "My God, I've
-	seen bigger wangs on hamsters!"
-4. It's O.K. to pass a joint while tubbing.  Don't pass anything else.
-5. Don't think you're fooling anybody by passing off your vibrator as a
-	toy submarine.
-%
-How come if you're horny it's lust, but if she's horny it's affection?
-%
-How soon can you have sexual relations after your wife delivers?
-Well, depends on if she's in a ward or a private room.
-%
-Hunters make the best lovers; they go deeper into the bush, shoot more often
-and *always* eat what they shoot.
-%
-I believe in sex and death -- two experiences that come once in a lifetime.
-		-- Woody Allen
-%
-	"I believe you have the wrong number," said the old gentleman into
-the phone.  "You'll have to call the weather bureau for that information."
-	"Who was that?" his young wife asked.
-	"Some guy wanting to know if the coast was clear."
-%
-I bet you have fun chasing the soap around the bathtub.
-		-- Princess Diana, to a one-armed war veteran during
-		   a visit to a London veterans hospital
-%
-I bet you think you're pretty cool driving around without auto insurance.
-You're probably saying to yourself, "I'm beating the system."  But what's
-going to happen when you get pulled over and lose your license because
-you're not insured.  What girl's going to ride shotgun on a ten-speed on
-a Saturday Night?  Yeah, you're going to be beating more than the system...
-		-- auto insurance ad, heard on KNAC, Long Beach.
-%
-I can understand companionship.  I can understand bought sex in the
-afternoon.  I cannot understand the love affair.
-		-- Gore Vidal
-%
-I don't discriminate on the basis of sex.
-                -- Bisexuality, 101
-
-        [An equal opportunity lover?  Ed.]
-%
-"I don't object to sex before marriage, but two minutes before?!?"
-%
-"I don't really mind her being unfaithful," sighed the man to his
-marriage counselor, "but I just can't sleep three in a bed."
-%
-I don't remember ever having had the itch, and yet scratching is one of
-nature's sweet pleasures, and so handy.
-%
-"I finally found out what my ranch foreman husband really meant," sobbed
-the recent bride, "when he told me he'd love me 'til the cows came home."
-%
-I had a virgin once.  I had to go to Guatemala for her.  She was blind
-in one eye, and she had a stuffed alligator that said, "Welcome to Miami
-Beach."
-		-- The Stunt Man
-%
-"I have credit with this madam who runs a string of super callgirls,"
-the executive reminisced at his club bar, "but when I got the bill for
-the great head session one of them pleasured me with, I must say that
-it was enough to make a blown man cry."
-%
-I have perfumed my bed with myrrh, aloes, and cinnamon.  Come, let us
-take our fill of love until the morning.
-		-- Proverbs 7:17-18
-%
-I heard there was a lot of sex on television these days,
-but when I tried it I kept falling off.
-%
-I only date queers.
-                -- Bisexuality, 101
-
-        [I'm not queer, but my boyfriend is!  Ed.]
-%
-"I own my own body, but I share"
-%
-I really had to act; 'cause I didn't have any lines.
-		-- Marilyn Chambers
-%
-I think I'll snatch a kiss and flee.
-		-- Shakespeare
-%
-	"I think my wife may be getting somewhat overweight.
-	"Oh, how can you tell?"
-	"Well, last night when she sat on my face, I couldn't hear the stereo."
-%
-I think pop music has done more for oral intercourse than anything else
-that has ever happened, and vice versa.
-		-- Frank Zappa
-%
-"I think sex is better than logic, but I can't prove it."
-%
-I thought Jackie O. was something you did in the bathroom.
-		-- Strange de Jim
-%
-I want a girl that can swallow my pride.
-		-- Frank Zappa, "Jewish Princess"
-%
-I want the same things all men do, Rice Krispies and some sucking.
-		-- Dudley Moore
-%
-I was on vacation in Greece last summer, and was being driven round an island
-by a Greek cab-driver.  He was a friendly man, and as we drove, he told me
-about various historic and scenic places he had been involved with.
-	"See the entrance to that church over there?  I built that with my
-two sons.  But do they call me `Dimitri the church builder'?  Do they hell!"
-	As we passed a dam, he said, "See that dam?  Four of us built that
-dam by ourselves!  But do they call me `Dimitri the dam builder?'  Hell, no!"
-	As we passed a beautiful cottage, Dimitri started up again -- "See
-that house?  I built that for my wife with my own two hands!  But do they
-call me `Dimitri the home builder'?  No!  But just one little sheep!"
-%
-I went to a wild party last night.  I tell ya, it was so wild, we played
-a new version of Russian roulette.  We passed around six girls and one
-of them had V.D.
-		-- Rodney Dangerfield
-%
-I wonder what the leash and collar set does for excitement?
-		-- Tramp, "Lady and the Tramp"
-%
-I wouldn't fuck her with your prick.
-%
-I'd like to meet the man who invented sex and see what he's working on now.
-%
-I'd walk a mile for a Camel, two for a hump.
-%
-"I'll tell ya, Jeb," Wilbur said to his friend, "the tractor business ain't
-doin' too well.  I ain't sold one all month.
-	"You think you've got problems?" Jeb replied.  "The other day, I went
-out to milk Daisy, when she swatted me in the face with her tail, like she
-always does.  So I took some twine and tied it to the rafters.  When I sat
-down again, she kicked me like she always does.  So I tied her leg to the
-side of the stall.  When I started to sit down again, I could see her taking
-aim with her other leg, so I tied it to the other side of the stall.  And I'll
-tell you what," he continued with a sigh, "if you can convince my wife I was
-gonna *milk* that cow, I'll buy a tractor from you!"
-%
-I'm a bisexual; I get it maybe twice a year.
-		-- Rodney Dangerfield
-%
-I'm a gay man trapped in a lesbian's body!
-		-- The Queer Gospels of Madonna the Sloppily Conceived
-%
-I'm against group sex because I wouldn't know where to put my elbows.
-		-- Martin Cruz Smith
-%
-I'm for bringing back the birch, but only for consenting adults.
-		-- Gore Vidal
-%
-I'm for peace -- I've yet to see a man wake up in the morning and say
-"I've just had a good war."
-	       -- Mae West
-%
-I'm going to Iowa for an award.  Then I'm appearing at Carnegie Hall,
-it's sold out.  Then I'm sailing to France to be honored by the French
-government -- I'd give it all up for one erection.
-		-- Groucho Marx
-%
-	"I'm looking for adventure, excitement, beautiful women," cried the
-young man to his father as he prepared to leave home.  "Don't try to
-stop me. I'm on my way."
-	"Who's trying to stop you?" shouted the father.  "Take me along!"
-%
-"I'm not against women.  Not often enough, anyway."
-		-- NPR
-%
-I'm unbuttoning your shirt, unzipping your jeans....
-
-Oh, I can feel your fingers on the keys, baby,
-	I'm getting WARM....
-
-I am getting there, oh yes,.  Oh, my. OH YES... OHHHH!
-	...!!!rrrrrgh!!!!!
-
-Honey, that was *really* terrific, but, next time,
-couldn't you please input a little SLOWER?
-%
-I've been told that it's far more sensous to have a woman leave something
-on rather than being totally nude.  Myself, I've always felt that the lights
-were more than enough.
-%
-I've tried several varieties of sex.  The conventional position makes
-me claustrophobic, and the others either give me a stiff neck or lockjaw.
-		-- Tallulah Bankhead
-%
-If all these sweet young things were laid end-to-end, I wouldn't be a
-bit surprised.
-		-- Dorothy Parker
-%
-"If anyone wants to trade a couple of centrally located, well-cushioned
-showgirls for an eroded slope 90 minutes from Broadway, I'll be on this
-corner tomorrow at 11 with my tongue hanging out."
-		-- S. J. Perelman
-%
-If being bi increases your chance of getting a date, does being poly
-increase your chance of getting dumped?
-%
-If ever you want to touch the hand and the heart of God Almighty, you can
-do it through the body of someone you love.  Anytime.  Anywhere.  Without
-no middleman.
-		-- Theodore Sturgeon, "Godbody"
-%
-If God had meant for us to have group sex, he'd have given us more organs.
-		-- Malcolm Bradbury
-%
-If God had wanted people to give blow jobs, he wouldn't have given them teeth.
-%
-If it flies, floats or fucks, rent it, don't buy it.
-		-- Tommy Earl Bruner
-%
-If it weren't for pickpockets, I'd have no sex life at all.
-		-- Rodney Dangerfield
-%
-If only is was as easy to banish hunger by rubbing the belly as it is to
-masturbate.
-		-- Diogenes the Cynic
-%
-If sex is a pain in the ass, you may be doing it wrong.
-%
-If sex is such a natural phenomenon, how come there are so many books on how to?
-	-- Bette Midler
-%
-If they can't take a joke, then fuck 'em.
-
-If they can, then fuck 'em.
-%
-If thine eye offends thee, pluck it out.
-
-If thy dick offends thee, whack it off.
-%
-If you could get an erection, you would have no need for Emacs.
-%
-If you meet somebody who tells you that he loves you more than anybody
-in the whole wide world, don't trust him.  It means he experiments.
-%
-If you think sex is a pain in the ass, try a different position.
-%
-If you're Catholic you've only got two choices: periodic abstinence and
-complete continence.
-
-You know ... 
-
-rhythm and blues.
-%
-If you're gonna sleep with someone whose moral code may be written
-in Fortran for all you know, at least make sure there's an existing
-friendship of some sort to fall back on if things don't work out
-like one or the other of you planned.
-%
-If your sexual fantasies were truly of interest to others, they would no
-longer be fantasies.
-		-- Fran Lebowitz
-%
-In the stands here I see a young couple who must be in love -- they're
-kissing on every pitch.  He's kissing her on the strikes, and she's
-kissing him on the balls.
-		-- Harry Caray, a Chicago sportscaster
-%
-Is sex dirty?  Only if it's done right.
-		-- Woody Allen, "All You Ever Wanted To Know About Sex"
-%
-Is that a pistol in your pocket or are you just glad to see me?
-		-- Mae West
-%
-It is amusing that a virtue is made of the vice of chastity; and
-it's a pretty odd sort of chastity at that, which leads men straight
-into the sin of Onan, and girls to the waning of their color.
-		-- Voltaire
-%
-It is better to be on penicillin, than never to have loved at all.
-%
-It is better to have a positive Wasserman than never to have loved at all.
-%
-It is considered normal to consecrate virginity in the general and lust
-for its destruction in the particular.
-%
-It is far better to sleep with an old hen than pullet.
-%
-It is impossible to obtain a conviction for sodomy from an English jury.
-Half of them don't believe that it can physically be done, and the other
-half are doing it.
-		-- Winston Churchill
-	[Right.  Tell it to Oscar.]
-%
-It is not true that life is one damn thing after another -- it is one
-damn thing over and over.
-		-- Edna St. Vincent Millay
-%
-It is not wise to make love more than once in the morning.
-You never know who you'll meet later in the day.
-%
-It is one of the superstitions of the human mind to have imagined that
-virginity could be a virtue.
-		-- Voltaire
-%
-It is very difficult to look at the possibility of lesbian sheep because
-if you are a female sheep, what you do to solicit sex is to stand still.
-Maybe there is a female sheep out there really wanting another female,
-but there's just no way for us to know it.
-		-- Anne Perkins, in her study of sexuality in sheep.
-%
-It must be admitted that we English have sex on the brain, which is a
-very unfortunate place to have it.
-		-- Malcolm Muggeridge
-%
-It was her wedding night, and the sweet young thing was in a romantic haze.
-"Oh, darling," she sighed, "We're married at last.  It's all like a wonderful
-dream!"
-	Her husband didn't answer.  A few moments passed.  She sighed again
-and said, "I'm afraid I'll awake in a moment and find it isn't true."
-	Still no response from her spouse.  Another pause and another
-sensuous sigh, then, softly, "I just can't believe that I'm really your
-wife."
-	"Damn it," growled her mate, "as soon as I get this shoelace untied,
-you will!"
-%
-It was his third marriage and her fourth.  He was quite surprised when on
-their honeymoon she pleaded, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."
-	"Darling, what do you mean you're still a virgin?  You've been
-married three times."
-	"Yes, but they all worked for DEC.  The first was a salesman,
-and all he ever did was promise how good it would be.  The second was one
-of their software hacks, he told me to take care of it myself.  And the
-third was a field service representative, and he kept promising that it
-would be up in 15 minutes.
-%
-It was this guy's first day in the penitentiary; he was in a cell with a
-huge burley inmate, and he was pretty nervous.  At lights-out, the inmate
-jumped out of his bunk, and, turning to our hero, said, "We're going to
-have sex!  You want to be the Mommy or the Daddy?"
-	A very terrified hero managed to squeak out, "Uh, well, uh, I guess
-I'll be the Daddy."
-	"OK," smiled his roommate, "get down here and suck your Momma's dick!"
-%
-It's a question of Napleon brandy versus Ripple.
-I am mellow and amber and I go down real smooth.
-		-- Rita Moreno, commenting in Newsweek on the sex appeal
-		   of older women versus younger women
-%
-"It's always the same," the girl sighed to her roommate after returning
-in the wee, small hours.  "Afterward, I feel so compromised, so cheap, so
-soiled... so absolutely wonderful from head to toe!"
-%
-It's been so long since I made love I can't even remember who gets tied up.
-		-- Joan Rivers
-%
-It's easy to make a friend.  What's hard is to make a stranger.
-%
-It's hard to keep a good girl down -- but lots of fun trying.
-%
-It's not pretty being easy.
-%
-It's not the ups and downs of love, it's the ins and outs.
-%
-It's the sighs that count.
-%
-Kamikazes do it once.
-%
-Kissing, petting, and even intercourse are all right as long as they are
-sincere.  I have never given a kiss in my life that wasn't sincere.  As
-for intercourse, I'd say three times a day was about right.
-		-- Margaret Sangor
-%
-Large cats can be dangerous, but a little pussy never hurt anyone.
-%
-Lawyers do it to everyone.
-%
-Let a Field Service Engineer put it in.
-%
-Lick-a-dee-clit!
-%
-Like I said, love wouldn't be so blind if the braille weren't so damned great!
-		-- Armistead Maupin
-%
-Lisp hackers
-	... do it in CARS.
-	... do it with tail recursion.
-	... first do it in the front, then do it in the back.
-	... have DEFUN while doing it.
-	... have to be bound to do it.
-	... have Moby dicks.
-%
-Lisp hackers have to be bound (to-do 'it) ...
-%
-Lisp programmers do it deeper and deeper and deeper.
-%
-Little known facts: the dirtiest words used on television during the
-1950's were uttered by June Cleaver.
-	"Gee, Ward, weren't you a little hard on the Beaver last night?"
-%
-	Little Red Riding Hood was walking through the woods on her way to
-visit her grandmother when a wolf jumped out from behind a tree.
-	"Aha!" the wolf said, "Now I've got you, and I'm going to eat you."
-	"Eat, eat, eat," said Little Red Riding Hood angrily, "Damn it,
-doesn't anybody fuck anymore?"
-%
-Love ain't nothin' but sex misspelled.
-%
-Love comes in spurts.
-	--Devo, "Please Please"
-%
-Love does not make the world go around, just up and down a bit.
-%
-Love is blind but desire doesn't give a good goddam.
-		-- James Thurber
-%
-Love is eating her even when she's not having her period.
-%
-Love is just for now ... herpes lasts forever.
-%
-Love is not the dying moan of a distant violin -- it's the triumphant
-twang of a bedspring.
-		-- S.J. Perelman
-%
-Love is the answer; but while you are waiting for the answer, sex
-raises some pretty good questions.
-		-- Woody Allen
-%
-Love is the desire to prostitute oneself.  There is, indeed, no exalted
-pleasure that cannot be related to prostitution.
-		-- Charles Baudelaire
-%
-Love is two minutes and fifty-two seconds of squishy sounds.
-		-- Johnny Rotten
-%
-Ma Bell runs a baudy house.
-%
-Make war not sex.  (It's safer.)
-%
-Many nice things suck.
-%
-Marriage has driven more than one man to sex.
-		-- Peter De Vries
-%
-Marriage is like a bank account.  You put it in, you take it out, you
-lose interest.
-		-- Professor Irwin Corey
-%
-Masturbation is the thinking man's television.
-	-- Christopher Hampton
-%
-Masturbation!  The amazing availability of it!
-		-- James Joyce
-%
-Math is to physics like masturbation is to sex.
-%
-Mathematicians
-	... do it in groups.
-	... do it in theory.
-	... take it to the limit.
-%
-Mathematicians do it in theory.
-%
-Mathematicians do it with a small, imaginary part.
-%
-Mathematicians often resort to something called Hilbert space, which is
-described as being n-dimensional.  Like modern sex, any number can play.
-		-- James Blish, "Beep/The Quincunx of Time"
-%
-Mathematicians take it to the limit.
-%
-Mathematicians take it to the limit.
-%
-Meanwhile back at the oasis, the Ay-rabs wuz busy a-eatin' their dates!
-%
-Meanwhile, back at the ranch, Granny was a-beating off the Indians, but
-they jus' kept on a-comin'.  Back at the outhouse, things were a-pilin' up.
-And, as the U.S. Fourth Calvary mounted the hill, Tonto, cleverly disguised
-as a doorknob, came off in the Lone Ranger's hand.
-%
-Meetings are an addictive, highly self indulgent activity that corporations
-and other large organizations habitually engage in only becuase they cannot
-actually masturbate.
-		-- Dave Barry
-%
-Mickey Mouse has a long talk one day with a psychiatrist, after which
-the psychiatrist interviews Minnie Mouse.  A few days later Mickey meets
-with the psychiatrist, and the following conversation ensues:
-
-Sigmund : I talked with Minnie after talking with you.
-Mickey  : Oh?
-Sigmund : I couldn't find anything wrong with her -- she isn't insane.
-Mickey  : Idiot!  I didn't say she was insane -- I said she was
-		fuckin' Goofy.
-%
-Morris left for a two-day business trip to Chicago.  He was only a few
-blocks from his house, when he realized that he had left the airplane
-tickets on his bureau top.  He returned and quietly entered the house.
-His wife, in her skimpiest negligee, was standing at the sink washing
-the breakfast dishes.  She looked so inviting that he tiptoed up behind
-her, reached out, and squeezed her breast.
-	"Leave only one quart of milk," she said. "Morris won't be here
-for breakfast tomorrow."
-%
-Most fish live underwater, which is a terrible place to have sex because
-virtually anywhere you lie down there will be stinging crabs and large
-quantities of little fish staring at you with buggy little eyes.  So
-generally when two fish want to have sex, they swim around and around for
-hours, looking for someplace to go, until finally the female gets really
-tired and has a terrible headache, and she just dumps her eggs right on the
-sand and swims away.  Then the male, driven by some timeless, noble instinct
-for survival, eats the eggs.  So the truth is that fish don't reproduce at
-all, but there are so many of them that it doesn't make any difference.
-		-- Dave Barry, "Sex and the Single Amoeba: What Every
-		   Teen Should Know"
-%
-Most plain girls are virtuous because of the scarcity of opportunity
-to be otherwise.
-		-- Maya Angelou, "I Know Why the Caged Bird Sings"
-%
-Most women look for a man who is tall, dark and hung some.
-%
-Moustache rides, 50 cents.
-%
-Mrs. Johnson had a very beautiful and intelligent parrot.  He had just one
-problem: He liked to fuck Mr. Hawkins' chickens.  Mrs. Johnson scolded him
-time and time again, but he would just laugh at her.  Finally, she told him
-that if he did it again, she would cut off all of the feathers on the top of
-his head.  Well, he resisted the urge for a week, but one day, he just
-couldn't resist going next door.  Besides, he figured she was bluffing.
-	Well, Mr. Hawkins came over, ranting and raving about how the parrot
-had been fucking his chickens again.  Mrs. Johnson didn't say a word, just
-took out her scissors and cut off all of the parrot's head feathers.
-	That night, Mrs. Johnson had a big party at her house.  Before it
-started, she took the parrot and put him on top of the piano by the front
-door.  "Since you disobeyed me today, you have to stay here on the piano
-tonight.  Now, don't you dare move."
-	Well, the parrot was pretty pissed off about having his head bare,
-and he wasn't too happy about having to spend the whole evening on the piano.
-Still, as he usually did, when the butler would announce the guests as they
-arrived, he would say hello to them.  Just then, two bald-headed men came to
-the door.
-	Before the butler could say anything, the parrot yelled, "Okay, you
-chicken-fuckers, up here on the piano with me!"
-%
-Musing on her present and past professions as "dominant/sadomasichism
-fantasy fulfiller" and dental hygienist, Sybil said, "I couldn't really
-understand why I wanted to be a dental hygienist, but years later, after
-being in the SM world a long time, I figured it out:  I'm in uniform,
-they're not.  I'm standing up, they're lying down.  I'm doing painful
-things to them for their own good.   This is so ME."
-		-- The Daily Cal, September 29, 1992 In an article titled:
-	           "Kinky sex remains alive and whipping despite threat
-		    of AIDS, book reveals"
-%
-My girlfriend's favorite erotic position is bending over my credit cards.
-%
-	"My husband commits an inconceivable act of perversion with a
-barnyard animal, and it's not central to my case?!"
-	"Not in California."
-%
-My idea of a wild party is where you throw the girls' panties at the wall
-and they stick.
-		-- Johnny Bob
-%
-	"My mother," said the sweet young steno, "says there are some things
-a girl should not do before twenty."
-	"Your mother is right," said the executive, "I don't like a large
-audience, either."
-%
-My mother-in-law broke up my marriage.  One day my wife came home early from
-work and found us in bed together.
-		-- Lenny Bruce
-%
-My mothers are wholly ignorant of the almost universal prevalence of secret
-vice, or self-abuse, among the young.  Why hesitate to say firmly and without
-quibble that personal abuse lies at the root of much of the feebleness,
-paleness, nervousness, and good-for-nothingness of the entire community?
-		-- Dr. J.H. Kellogg, "The Ladies Guide", Modern Medicine
-		   Publishing Company, 1895.  Dr. Kellogg helped invent
-		   corn flakes and peanut butter.  In addition to denouncing
-		   masturbation, he believed that smoking caused cancer and
-		   that certain ailments could be cured by rolling a
-		   cannonball on the stomach.
-%
-My reaction to porno films is as follows: After the first ten minutes, I
-want to go home and screw. After the first twenty minutes, I never want
-to screw again as long as I live.
-		-- Erica Jong
-%
-My schoolmates would make love to anything that moved, but I never saw any
-reason to limit myself.
-		-- Emo Philips
-%
-My sex life hasn't been so good; either fist or famine.
-%
-My wife and I only smoke after sex.  I've had the same pack since 1967.
-She's up to three packs a day.
-		-- Rodney Dangerfield
-%
-National Sex Week -- don't let your meat loaf.
-%
-Necessity is the mother of strange bedfellows.  Watch who you sleep with.
-%
-Never ask your lover if he'd dive in front of an oncoming train for
-you.  He doesn't know.  Never ask your lover if she'd dive in front of an
-oncoming band of Hell's Angels for you.  She doesn't know.  Never ask how many
-cigarettes your lover has smoked today.  Cancer is a personal committment.
-	Never ask to see pictures of your lover's former lovers -- especially
-the ones who dived in front of trains.  If you look like one of them, you are
-repeating history's mistakes.  If you don't, you'll wonder what he or she saw
-in the others.
-	While we are on the subject of pictures: You may admire the picture
-of your lover cavorting naked in a tidal pool on Maui.  Don't ask who took
-it.  The answer is obvious.  A Japanese tourist took the picture.
-	Never ask if your lover has had therapy.  Only people who have had
-therapy ask if people have had therapy.
-	Don't ask about plaster casts of male sex organs marked JIMI, JIM, etc.
-Assume that she bought them at a flea  market.
-		-- James Peterson and Kate Nolan
-%
-Never try to keep up with the Joneses; they might be newlyweds.
-%
-NEW ADDITION TO THE LIBRARY:
-
-"Sally", the department's new inflatable doll, is available on
-a short-term removal basis only -- please sign her out and return her
-promptly to avoid extended waits.  (We are still awaiting shipment of
-our "Big John" doll.)
-%
-Newlywed groom:
-	Honey, I have something to confess to you.  I'm a golfer.
-	You'll never see me on Tuesday nights, Thursday nights,
-	and weekends.  I'm sorry.
-Newlywed bride:
-	I have something even worse to confess, dear.  I'm a hooker.
-Groom:
-	Oh, honey, that's no problem!  Just keep your head low and follow
-	through...
-%
-Nice computers don't go down.
-%
-Nine out of ten men who preferred Camels have switched back to women.
-%
-No matter how celebrated the beauty of a woman, I would never spend a night
-with her.  The only celebrity with whom I would share a night is Max Planck.
-But he is dead.  So I live like a monk, aside from a little self gratification
-in the afternoons.
-		-- Salvador Dali
-%
-Not everyone has a one-track mind.
-		-- From a Bisexuality 101 talk
-%
-Nothing is better than Sex.
-Masturbation is better than nothing.
-Therefore, Masturbation is better than Sex.
-%
-Nurse Jones is a regular on the newsgroup [alt.sex.bondage], and
-occasionally has problems with folks harrassing her.  She came up
-with this in response to one...
-
-	Fortunately, my ego isn't as fragile as that woodpecker's wing.
-	When fratboy called me a dyke I told him that actually I was
-	bisexual, but that he shouldn't feel threatened because he didn't
-	meet either of my standards.  But if it makes you feel more
-	comfortable, I said, my husband tied me to the bedposts this
-	morning and screwed the daylights out of me.
-
-	"Just think," said
-
-	Nurse Jones,
-	 "... that was four
-	   hours ago and
-	    my sperm count
-	     is probably *still*
-	      higher than yours."
-%
-Nybble me...  Byte me...  Unsigned long int me...
-%
-Of course, I speak of nothing else but that classic of understated yet wildly
-exciting eroticism, "The Windflower," by Laura London.  Ms. London is the
-author of such other philosophical block-busters as "Bad Baron's Daughter,"
-"A Heart Too Proud," "Moonlight Mist," and most thigh-warming of all, "Gypsy
-Heiress".  Well, glasses-steaming scenes are to be found on every page, to
-an extent which overwhelms Your Humble Narrator, and so, in order to save
-himself extreme embarrassment, he brings you... the blurb:
-
-	"Every lady of breeding knows: no one has a good time on a pirate
-ship.  No one, that is, but the pirates.  Yet there she was, Merry Wilding
--- kidnapped in error, taken from a ship bound from New York to England,
-spirited away in a barrel and swept aboard the infamous "Black Joke"...
-There she was, trembling with pleasure in the arms of her achingly handsome,
-sensationally sensual, golden-haired captor -- Devon."
-%
-Of course, most people eventually give up bowling for sex.
-The balls are lighter and you don't have to change your shoes.
-%
-Oh John, let's not park here.
-Oh John, let's not park.
-Oh John, let's not.
-Oh John, let's.
-Oh John.
-Oh.
-%
-Oh what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to conceive.
-		-- Don Herold
-%
-Oh, baby, put two fingers here and one finger there and call me bitch.
-%
-Once upon a girl there was a time...
-%
-Once upon a time there was a farmer who had borrowed a bull to service his
-two cows.  He put all three animals on a meadow and sent little Johnny to
-observe and report any success.  A short time later, little Johnny came
-running towards the house shouting: "Daddy, Daddy, the bull just fucked the
-white cow!"
-	The father took little Johnny aside and said: "Look, kid, it's
-alright if you use that kind of language around me, but the reverend is
-going to be visiting soon.  So next time, please use another word; just
-say that the bull "surprised" the cow."
-	Johnny agreed and went back to observe any progress.  A little
-while later, while the preacher was talking to the farmer, little Johnny
-came a-running again, shouting: "Daddy, Daddy!"
-	The father, trying to avoid embarrassing the preacher, said: "I
-know, the bull surprised the brown cow."
-	Little Johnny replied: "He sure did, he fucked the white one again!"
-%
-Once upon a time there was a farmer who owned a large number of chickens and
-made money by selling chickens to a local distributing company.  The farmer
-wanted to increase his business, and so went to market to buy another rooster.
-"This rooster," assured the vendor, "is my best.  He's virile and energetic 
-and will take care of all your chickens!"  The farmer, delighted at this, 
-bought the rooster and returned to his farm.  He set the rooster loose among 
-his hen houses and, sure enough, the rooster enthusiastically went to work. 
-It wasn't too long, however, before the rooster finished off all the hens and 
-began on the few geese and ducks that were on the farm.  "If you keep up this 
-rate," warned the farmer, "you'll screw yourself to death!"  The rooster, 
-however, scoffed at the farmer and continued at an increased speed.  The next 
-morning, the farmer was doing his chores when he noticed several buzzards in 
-the sky circling over something.  He headed out behind the barn, and sure 
-enough there was the rooster, flat on his back, with eyes closed.  The farmer 
-shook his fist at the motionless body and cursed, shouting "I knew it!  I told 
-you so!  I knew you'd screw yourself to death!"  The rooster turned his head 
-toward the farmer, opened one eye, and winked.  "Shhh!" he said, pointing to 
-the birds above.  "I think they're coming down."
-%
-Once upon a time there was a little girl named Little Red Riding Hood.  One
-fine morning she decided to visit her Grandmother, so she put a freshly baked
-cake and a .357 magnum into her basket and set off through the forest.  When
-she got there, what should she find but a big black wolf in the bed, who
-jumped up, grabbed her and snarled, "I'm going to fuck you until the sun goes
-down."
-	So Little Red Riding Hood whipped out the .357 and said, "Oh, no,
-you're not!  You're going to eat me just like the story says!"
-%
-Once upon a time there was a sperm named Stanley.  He'd do pushups and
-somersaults and limber up all the time, while the other sperm just lay around
-on their fat asses not doing a thing.  One day, one of them became curious
-enough to ask Stanley why he exercised all day.  Stanley said,
-	"Look, only one sperm gets a woman pregnant and when the right
-time comes, I am going to be that one."
-A few days later, the all felt themselves getting hotter and hotter, and they
-knew that it was getting to be their time to go.  They were released abruptly
-and, sure enough, there was Stanley swimming far ahead of all the others.
-All of a sudden, Stanley stopped, turned around, and began to swim back with
-all his might.
-	"Go back! Go back!" he screamed.  "It's a blow job!"
-%
-Once upon a time there were three coeds -- a big coed, a medium-sized coed,
-and a little, tiny coed.  One night they came home from a dance, and the big
-coed said, "Someone's been sleeping in my bed!"
-	The medium-sized coed looked in her room and said, "Someone's been 
-sleeping in my bed!"
-	And the little, tiny coed said, "Well, nighty-night, girls!"
-%
-Once you come out as a Pagan bisexual married leatherdyke, the rest of life
-is that much easier.
-%
-One by one the vice-presidents of a large corporation were called into the
-boss's office.  Then the junior executives were individually summoned.
-Finally the office boy was brought in.
-	"I want the truth, Charles," the boss bellowed.  "Have you been
-playing around with my secretary?"
-	"N-no, sir," the office boy stammered.  "I-I'd never do anything
-like that, sir."
-	"All right, all right," sighed the boss, "then you fire her."
-%
-One day a city dweller decided to take a ride in the country.  He hopped
-into his sportscar, wandered along the highway for a while and then exited
-to some very rural dirt roads in the middle of farm country.  After awhile,
-he came across a farmer who clearly working his fields.  The funny thing was,
-the farmer didn't seem to be wearing any pants.  The man got out of his car
-and approached the farmer.
-	"Hey, buddy," he asked, "how come you're not wearing any clothes?"
-	Replied the farmer, "Well, boy, th' other day I was out a-workin'
-in the fields, an' I plum fergot t' wear mah shirt.  Got back to th' house
-that night, and mah neck was stiffer than a oak-wood board.  This here's
-mah wife's idea."
-%
-	One day a mother and daughter are walking around a farming community
-and they see a stallion mounting a mare.  The daughter takes in the scene and
-turns to her mother. "Mommy, what are those two horses doing?"
-	Her mother hastily answered, "The horse on top hurt its hoof, and the
-one on the bottom is carrying him back to the stable."
-	The daughter shook her head and sadly replied, "Isn't that just the
-way it goes?  Try to help someone and you get fucked."
-%
-One day Adam, while wandering around the Garden of Eden, noticed that all
-the animals seemed to come in pairs, male and female.  He also noted that
-they seemed to enjoy being together a lot.  So, he went to his special
-place and reported to God what he'd noticed.
-	God, understanding his need, said, "Adam, the time has come for me
-to provide you with a mate.  Go lie down and when you have fallen asleep, I
-will create your mate."
-	So Adam wandered off, found a nice patch of soft grass and fell
-asleep.  Some time later he awoke, possibly due to a bit of pain in his
-ribs, possibly because of the gorgeous woman leaning over him.  Remembering
-the animals he'd seen having such fun, he immediately reached for her.
-Pretty soon Adam's back at his special place.
-	"God?"
-	"Yes, Adam, what now?"
-	"God, what's a headache?"
-%
-One day Father O'Malley was walking through the park when he came upon an
-enchanting scene.  A beautiful little girl with long blond hair, deep blue
-eyes, and a dainty white dress was reading under a tree with her adorable
-little dog.
-	What a lovely picture, thought the Father to himself.  Walking over,
-he asked, "Child, what is your name?"
-	"Blossom," she replied.
-	"What a fitting name," exclaimed Father O'Malley.  "And how did your
-parents come to choose such a pretty name?"
-	"Well, one day when I was still in my mommy's tummy she was lying
-under this very tree when a blossom fell and landed on her stomach.  She
-thought it was a message from God and decided that I would be a girl and my
-name would be Blossom," explained the little girl sweetly.
-	How charming, thought the priest.  He started to say good-bye and
-walk away, then turned back.  "And the name of your little dog?" he
-inquired.
-	"Porky," was the child's reply.
-	Again he asked her how the unusual name had been chosen.
-	"Because he likes to fuck pigs."
-%
-"One day I got on the usual bus, and when I stepped in, I saw the most
-gorgeous blond chinese girl... I sat beside her... I said 'Hi,' and she
-said 'Hi,' and then I said 'Nice day, isn't it,' and she said 'Yeah, I
-guess'... I said 'What do you mean "you guess"?'... she said 'I saw my
-analyst today and he says I have a problem.'... so I asked 'What's the
-problem?'... she replied 'I can't tell you, I don't even know you.'...
-I said 'Well sometimes it's good to tell your problems to a perfect
-stranger on a bus.'  So she said, 'Well, my analyst said I'm a nymphomaniac
-and I only like Jewish cowboys... by the way, my name is Diane.'  I said,
-'Hello, Diane, my name is Bucky Goldstein.'"
-		-- Steven Wright
-%
-One hundred and one uses for canned peaches.
-One hundred and two if you plan to eat them.
-%
-One man's nightmare is another man's wet dream.
-%
-One morning after an evening of particularly heavy drinking, a man awoke
-and upon rolling over in bed saw one of the ugliest women he had ever
-seen.  As he was about to get out of bed, he looked on the floor and saw
-another woman even less appealing than the first.  Seeing his look of
-wide-eyed amazement, the woman on the floor snapped,  "Don't look at me
-like that, I was only the bridesmaid."
-%
-One night when his charge was pretty high, Micro-Farad decided to
-seek out a cute little coil to let him discharge.  He picked up Milli-Amp
-and took her for a ride on his Megacycle.  They rode across the Wheatstone
-bridge, around the sine waves, and stopped in the magnetic field by the
-flowing current.  Micro-Farad, attracted by Milli-Amp's charactaristic curves,
-soon had her fully charged and excited, her resistance to a minimum.  He laid
-her on the ground potential, raised her frequency, and lowered her reluctance.
-He pulled out his high voltage probe and inserted it into her socket,
-connecting them in parallel and began short circuiting her resistance shunt.
-Fully excited, Milli-Amp mumbled:  "OHM-OHM-OHM."
-	With his tube operating at a maximum and her field vibrating with
-his current flow, it caused her shunt to overheat, and Micro-Farad was rapidly
-discharged and drained of every electron.  They Fluxed all night trying
-various connections and sockets until his magnet had a soft core and lost
-all of its field strength.
-	Afterwards, Milli-Amp tried self-induction  and  damaged  her
-solenoids.  With his battery fully discharged, Micro-Farad was unable to
-excite his field, so they spent the night reversing polarity and blowing
-each others fuses.
-		-- Eddie Currents, "The Sex Life of an Electron"
-%
-One of my favorite Zoo jokes has to do with a woman who, while
-visiting the zoo, desided to have a little fun with the Gorilla.  She walks
-up to his cage, reaches in, and begins to fondle the beast.  Needless to
-say, the animal becomes quite excited, and as he tries to reciprocate in
-kind, the woman steps back and gives him a raspberry...!
-	The gorilla becomes enraged.  He rips the bars from his cage, grabs
-the woman, drags her back into the cage, and ravishes her.  While doing so,
-he inflicts a great deal of harm upon her person.
-	Later, at the hospital, a neighbor of the woman visits and exclaims,
-"Oh, you poor dear...!  Are you hurt?"
-	"Hurt!", "Hurt!?" the injured lady sobs, "He doesn't phone.  He
-never writes..."
-%
-One of the airlines recently introduced a special half-fare rate for wives
-accompanying their husbands on business trips.  Anticipating some valuable
-testimonials, the publicity department of the airline sent out letters to
-all the wives of businessmen who used the special rates, asking how they
-enjoyed their trip.  Responses are still pouring in asking,
-	"What trip?"
-%
-One of the most expensive things in life is a girl who is free for the evening.
-%
-One of the regular foursome was sick, so a new member named George filled in.
-He was good and pleasant company so they asked him to join them again the
-following Sunday.
-	"9:30 okay?"
-	"Fine," George said, "but I may be a few minutes late."
-The following Sunday George showed up right on time. Not only that, he played
-left-handed and beat them.  They agreed to meet the following Sunday morning.
-George was eager to come, but again, mentioned that he might be a few minutes
-late.  The next Sunday there was George, punctual to the dot. This time he
-played right-handed and beat them again.
-	"You on for next Sunday, George?" one of the foursome asked.
-	"Sure," George replied, "but I might be a few..."
-	Another golfer jumped in. "Wait a minute... You always say you might
-be late, but you're always right on time, and you always win, left-handed
-*or* right-handed."
-	"Well," George replied, rather sheepishly, "that's true, but see, I'm
-superstitious.  If my wife is sleeping on her right, when I wake up, I play
-right handed.  If she's sleeping on her left side, I play left handed."
-	"What if she's lying on her back?"
-	George said, "That's when I'm late."
-%
-	One PAYDAY, MR. GOODBAR wanted a BIT O' HONEY.  So he took his Miss
-HERSHEY behind the POWERHOUSE on the corner of 5th AVENUE and CLARK where he
-there began to feel her MOUNDS.  And that was an ALMOND JOY which definately
-made his TOOSIE ROLL.
-	He let out a SNICKER as he slipped his BUTTERFINGER up her KIT KAT
-which of course caused the MILKY WAY.  She screamed "OH, HENRY!" as she
-squeezed his PETER, PAUL and ZAGNUTS and said "you're better then the 3
-MUSKETEERS."
-		-- John Volby (Dr. Dirty), "The Candy Bar Poem"
-%
-One should be cherry of virgins.
-%
-One spring evening, after a hard rain, grandpa and grandson were
-sitting out on the porch, talking.  Grandpa spied a worm crawling up out
-of its hole and said to his grandson, "Sonny, if you can get that there
-worm back down its hole, I'll give you five dollars."
-	"Sure!", says sonny, and runs in the house.  Out he runs an
-instant later with a can of hairspray, grabs the worm, and sprays it with
-the hairspray as it dangles earthward.  He then slips the stiff worm back
-into its hole and turns to his grandpa with a huge smile on his face.
-	"Well, I'll be.  That was pretty smart there, boy.", he says.
-"Here's your fiver.", he adds as he fishes out a bill.  By then it's almost
-dark, and they say their goodnights and part.
-	The next day sonny's playing out on the porch, and grandpa comes
-out of the house and gives him a five.  "But you gave me my five yesterday,
-grandpa.", he remarks.
-	"Yep, I know.  This is from your Grandma."
-%
-Ooooooh, nooooooo, not tonight!!
-%
-Ooops.  Gotta run.  My dog wants sex.  Later.
-%
-Operators mount anything!
-%
-Oral sex is like being attacked by a giant snail.
-		-- Germaine Greer
-%
-Other people don't give you orgasms; you have them, and they help you
-cash them in.
-%
-Ouch!  That felt good!
-		-- Karen Gordon
-%
-	"Our school, madame, postulates, first of all, that since the
-science of mathematics is an abstract science, it is best inculcated by
-some concrete example."
-	Said the Queen, "But that sounds rather complicated."
-	"It occasionally leads to complications," Jurgen admitted, "through
-a choice of the wrong example.  But the axiom is no less true."
-	"Come, then, and sit next to me on this couch if you can find it in
-the dark; and do you explain to me what you mean."
-	"Why, madame, by a concrete example I mean one that is perceptible
-to any of the senses -- as to sight or hearing, or touch --"
-	"Oh, oh!" said the Queen, "now I perceive what you mean by a concrete
-example.  And grasping this, I can understand that complications must of
-course arise from a choice of the wrong example."
-		-- James Branch Cabell, "Jurgen"
-%
-Painters do it with even strokes.
-%
-Passion is that funny feeling that drives a man to bite a woman's neck
-because she has beautiful legs.
-%
-Pee-wee Recommends:
-
-When Pee-wee Herman was arrested that evening in Sarasota, Florida,
-the bill at the XXX South Trail Cinema featured:
-
-	+ Nurse Nancy, starring Sandra Scream
-	+ Turn Up the Heat, starring Savannah
-	+ Tiger Shark, starring Raven
-%
-People who live in glass houses should ball in the basement.
-%
-Perhaps at fourteen every boy should be in love with some ideal woman to put
-on a pedestal and worship.  As he grows up, of course, he will put her on
-a pedestal the better to view her legs.
-		-- Barry Norman, in "The Listener"
-%
-Persistence, like perspiration, is 99 percent of the fine art of love.
-%
-Philosophy is to the real world as masturbation is to sex.
-		-- Karl Marx
-%
-Physicists do it with charm.
-%
-Picking up a man in a bar is like a snowstorm, you never know when
-he's coming, how many inches you'll get or how long'll he'll stay.
-%
-Politicians do it to everyone.
-%
-Postulate #1:	Nothing is better than sex.
-Postulate #2:	Masturbation is better than nothing.
-Conclusion:	Masturbation is better than sex.
-%
-Pouring out his troubles to his best friend over a couple of triple martinis,
-Brad had to confess that things weren't going too well at home.  "My wife and
-I just don't hit it off at night," he was saying to Bart.  "I hate to admit
-it, but I'm afraid I just don't know how to make her happy."
-	"Hell, boy," said Bart, "there's really nothing to it.  Let me
-give you some advice.  At bedtime, switch on a new Sinatra platter, turn
-all the lights low and spray some perfume around the room.  Next, tell
-your wife to get into her sheerest nightie; then make sure you raise the
-bottom window."
-	"Then what do I do?" asked Brad.
-	"Just whistle."
-	"Whistle?"
-	"That's right.  I'll be waiting outside the window.  When I hear
-you whistle, I'll come right up and finish the job."
-%
-Pregnancy -- the worst sexually transmitted disease of them all.
-%
-Pregnancy begins with a single sell.
-%
-Printers do it without wrinkling the sheets.
-%
-Probably the question asked most often is: Do one-celled animals have
-orgasms?  The answer is yes, they have orgasms almost constantly, which is
-why they don't mind living in pools of warm slime.
-		-- Dave Barry, "Sex and the Single Amoeba: What Every
-		   Teen Should Know"
-%
-Procrastinators do it tomorrow.
-%
-Programmers do it bit by bit.
-%
-Programmers do it until it goes down.
-%
-Programmers get overlaid.
-%
-Prostitution is the only business where you can go into the hole and
-still come out ahead.
-%
-Psychiatry is quite similar to prostitution, only less honest.  They both
-promise to make people feel better, but the prostitute doesn't make
-pretensions that the feelings will last once the client walks out the door.
-%
-Ralph:	Lisa, you have no tits and a awful tight pussy.
-Lisa:	Ralph... get off my back!!
-%
-Rating women on the Budweiser scale; the number of Clydesdales it would take
-to pull you off her.
-%
-Reach out and fuck someone.
-%
-Remember when you were a kid and the boys didn't like the girls?  Only
-sissies liked girls?  What I'm trying to tell you is that nothing's
-changed.  You think boys grow out of not liking girls, but we don't grow
-out of it.  We just grow horny.  That's the problem.  We mix up liking
-pussy for liking girls.  Believe me, one couldn't have less to do with
-the other.
-		-- Jules Feiffer
-%
-Remember, there's a big difference between kneeling down and bending over.
-		-- Frank Zappa
-%
-Remember, when preparing a dish for bedtime, champagne is the best tenderizer.
-%
-Returning from the men's room, a bar customer was sadly, shaking his head.
-	"What's the matter, buddy?", inquired the bartender.
-	"Well," replied the customer, "while I was in the men's room, I saw
-someone had scribbled `Wendy gives really fabulous head; absolutely the best
-blow job in the world!' on the wall."
-	"Ahh, hell," said the bartender.  "Don't give it a second thought,
-we get jerks in here like anywhere else."
-	"I know," snarled the headshaker. "One of them scratched out the
-phone number!"
-%
-Revenge is sleeping with your enemy's wife.  Sweet revenge is the realization
-that she's a lousy lay.
-%
-Rogue players do it with all sorts of different animals.
-%
-Roses on your piano isn't nearly as good as tulips on your organ.
-%
-Runners do it alone.
-%
-Santa Claus comes down the chimney and the nubile sixteen-year-old
-has been waiting for him.  Santa sees her, and in typically unflappable
-Santa-style says, "And what do you want for Christmas, little girl?"
-	The girl, and she's not so little, tells him.  Well, Santa is
-definitely flapped by this, but he manages to come out with, "Ho ho ho,
-gotta go, gotta get the children their toys, you know."
-	The girl, not to be daunted, takes off her robe.  "Aw, please stay
-Santa," she begs.
-	He replies, "Ho ho ho, gotta go, gotta get the children their toys,
-you know."
-	She then takes off her pajama top, her firm pouting breasts pointing
-at Santa like an accusation.  "Aw, please stay Santa," she pleads.
-	"Ho ho ho, gotta go, gotta get the children their toys, you know."
-	Finally, she takes off her pajama bottoms, revealing to Santa her
-warm mound of delight.  "Aw, please stay, Santa," she begs.
-	Being only mortal, Santa finally gives in, sighing, "Hey hey hey,
-gotta stay, can't get up the chimney with my dick this way."
-%
-Satyrs have more faun.
-%
-Save a forest - eat a beaver!
-%
-Save a mouse, eat a pussy!
-%
-"Scott, baby," the sexually aggressive girl murmured as she guided her
-date's finger to her clitoris, "This bud's for you."
-%
-Seems like there were these two dogs in a vet's waiting room, each eyeing
-the other suspiciously.  One of them turns to the other.
-	"What are you here for?" he asks.
-	"Well," replies the other, "I was feeling really bad the other day,
-and Master's six year old son started bothering me. I tried to ignore it,
-but I was feeling so rotten that I bit his hand."
-	"Yeah, I now what you mean.  So, what are you here for?"
-	"Erm ... well ... Master reckons that I'm too vicious, so I'm going
-to be ... you know ... I'm going to have the *operation*."
-	"Oh.  Well, I'm sorry," sympathised the first dog.
-	Time passed. The about-to-be-neutered dog coughed politely.
-	"So," he asked, "What are you in here for?"
-	"Oh, nothing really," the other replied, embarrassed.
-	"Go on, I told you, it *can't* be as bad!"
-	"OK.  Well, it's like this.  The bitch next door was in heat, and so
-I was feeling, you know, a bit randy.  Then Mistress came into the kitchen
-wearing a short skirt and no underwear, and she bent over.  I just couldn't
-resist it!" admitted the dog.
-	"Oh!  So you're here for the operation too!"
-	"No," came the reply, "I'm here to have my nails clipped!"
-%
-Seems like this guy is hitting up on a woman in a bar.  After assiduously
-pursuing her for several minutes, she leans forward and tells him that he's
-a nice guy and all that, but, well, that she's a lesbian.  Confused, he asks
-her what that means.
-	"Well," she replies, "you see that woman at the corner table?"
-	"Yeah..."
-	"I'd like to walk over to her, and unbottom her blouse."
-	"Yeah..."
-	"And then I'd like to kiss her and suck on her nipples... and
-then I'd like to take off her skirt... and run my hand over her thighs..."
-	"Right!  Right!" interrupts the guy.  "I think I'm a lesbian too!"
-%
-Seems there was this traveling salesman who wandered into a brothel and
-asked the madam for a woman who would give him the absolutely worst blow-job
-imaginable.  Not horny, just homesick.
-%
-Seems this guy notices a young nun sitting on the bus; through her heavy veil
-he just spots a glimmer of her face.  Gorgeous!  She moves, and her vestments
-cannot hide the fact she has a truly phenomenal body.  The guy gets more and
-more excited until he finally approaches the nun and tells "Sister, please
-believe me, I don't normally do this sort of thing, but I think I love you.
-Could we maybe talk?"
-	The nun almost runs off the bus.  As the young man's stop comes up,
-the bus driver asks the guy if he was the person bothering the nun.  The man
-starts apologizing, but the bus driver interrupts him.  "No, don't apologize,
-I was checking her out myself.  Listen, you see where she got on?  She goes
-there every day, to a little park.  Why don't you meet here there?"
-	Sure enough, the man goes to the park the next day and there's the nun
-in a secluded grove of trees.  He approaches her, and she seems, although shy,
-much more willing to talk.  After an hour of cautious talk, he asks her if
-she'd be willing to make love with him.  She blushes, smiles, blushes again
-and says "yes".  But that she doesn't dare risk getting pregnant, so it would
-have to be the "back door".
-	As they start to make love, the young man is overcome with guilt;
-panting, he says, "Sister, I have to tell you, I'm the guy who was annoying
-you on the bus yesterday.
-	Replies the nun, "Well, that's okay.  I'm not really a nun.  I'm
-actually the bus driver."
-%
-Seems this guy showed up at a party, and all of his friends jumped for
-Joy.  But she sidestepped, and they missed.
-%
-Self-abuse is the most certain road to the grave.
-		-- Dr. George M. Calhoun, 1855
-%
-Sex and drugs and UNIX.
-%
-Sex and mathematics have one thing in common.  You can do each while thinking
-about the other.
-%
-Sex appeal is 50% what you've got and 50% what people think you've got.
-		-- Sophia Loren
-%
-Sex discriminates against the shy and ugly.
-%
-Sex hasn't been the same since women started enjoying it.
-		-- Lewis Grizzard
-%
-Sex is a biological function; kissing is a committment.
-%
-Sex is a natural bodily process, like a stroke.
-%
-Sex is about as important as a cheese sandwich.  But a cheese sandwich,
-if you ain't got one to put in your belly, is extremely important.
-		-- Ian Dury
-%
-Sex is an emotion in motion.
-		-- Mae West
-%
-"Sex is as honest a product benefit for fragrance [perfume] as taste is
-for diet Coke."
-		-- Malcolm DacDougall
-%
-Sex is better than grass, if you have the right pusher.
-%
-Sex is dirty, but only if you do it right.
-%
-Sex is good, but not as good as fresh sweet corn.
-		-- Garrison Keillor
-%
-Sex is just one damp thing after another.
-%
-Sex is like a bridge game -- If you have a good hand no partner is needed.
-%
-Sex is like pizza -- when it's good, it's great; and when it's bad,
-it's still darn tasty!
-%
-Sex is low in calories, and *oooh* that aftertaste!
-%
-Sex is nobody's business but the three people involved.
-%
-Sex is not the answer.  Sex is the question.  "Yes" is the answer.
-		-- Swami X
-%
-Sex is one of the nine reasons for reincarnation ... the other eight
-are unimportant.
-		-- Henry Miller
-%
-Sex is the mathematics urge sublimated.
-		-- M.C. Reed
-%
-Sex is the poor man's opera.
-		-- G.B. Shaw
-%
-Sex is what women have and men want.
-%
-Sex without class consciousness cannot give satisfaction, even if it is
-repeated until infinity.
-		-- Aldo Brandirali (Secretary of the Italian Marxist-Leninist
-		   Party), in a manual of the party's official sex guidelines,
-		   1973.
-%
-Sex without love is an empty experience, but, as empty experiences go,
-it's one of the best.
-		-- Woody Allen
-%
-Sex; it's always best when one partner is at least a little bit desperate.
-%
-Sexual enlightenment is justified insofar as girls cannot learn too soon
-how children do not come into the world.
-		-- Karl Kraus
-%
-She asked me if I loved her still.  "Yes," I replied.  "I've never had
-you any other way."
-%
-She called her parakeet Onan, because he spilled his seed.
-		-- Dorothy Parker
-%
-She was a farmer's daughter but she couldn't keep her calves together.
-%
-She was only a mortician's daughter but anyone cadaver.
-%
-She was only:
-	a coal digger's daughter, but she'll always be mine.
-	a statistician's daughter, but she knew all the standard deviations.
-	a wrestler's daughter, but you should have seen her box.
-	a moonshiner's daughter, but I love her still.
-	a chimney sweep's daughter, but she sure knew how to haul ash.
-	a fireman's daughter, but her face was a cause for alarm.
-	a banker's daughter, but she opened her drawers for cash.
-%
-She was wearing a very tight skirt, and when she tried to board the Fifth
-Avenue bus she found she couldn't lift her leg.  She reached back and
-unzipped her zipper.  It didn't seem to do any good, so she reached back
-and unzipped it again.  Suddenly the man behind her lifted her up and put
-her on the top step.
-	"How dare you?" she demanded.
-	"Well, lady," he said, "by the time you unzipped my fly for the
-second time I thought we'd become good friends."
-%
-She's fine, upstanding, and wonderful laying down.
-%
-She's looking for:	He's looking for:	Foreplay:
-1957			Someone who'll go	Her: Finding a place to put
-Mr. Nice Guy		all the way		     her gum
-						Him: Wondering which word would
-						     best describe her breasts
-						     to the guys
-
-1967			Someone who's got	The first ten minutes
-Mr. Natural		rolling papers and	of "In-A-Gadda-Da-Vida"
-			will go all the way
-
-1977			Someone who'll go	Testing the batteries
-Mr. Goodbar		all the way in leg
-			warmers and a leather
-			face mask
-
-1987			Someone who's never	Examination of the genitalia
-Mr. Clean		gone all the way in	under the magnifying glass
-			San Francisco		that Grandma used for needle-
-						point before she passed away
-		-- Michael Corcoran, "National Lampoon", October 1987
-%
-She's the kind of woman you could fall madly in bed with.
-%
-"Sir", said the beggar, "can you spare fifty dollars for a cup of coffee?"
-
-"Fifty dollars for a cup of coffee, one should be sufficient!",
-answered the gentleman, rather shortly.
-
-"I know", replied the beggar, "but coffee always makes me horny."
-%
-Sixteen'll get you twenty.
-%
-So this elderly couple were sitting in their tiny cold water flat on the
-lower East Side when the husband said, "Doris, we're in bad shape.  Inflation
-has eaten up our Social Security check.  The next one isn't due for a week
-and we've got no money left for food."
-	"Could I do anything to help?" she asked.
-	"Yes," he said.  "I hate to see you do this but it's the only way.
-You're going to have to go out and hustle."
-	"Me?" she asked.  "At the age of sixty-five?"
-	"It's the only way," he said.
-Resigned to the situation, she went out into the warm night.  She came
-staggering in early the next morning.
-	"How did you do?" asked the husband.
-	"Here," she said, "I've got four dollars and ten cents."
-	"Four dollars and ten cents," he said .  "Who gave you the ten cents?"
-	"Everybody," she said.
-%
-So, how's your love life?  Still holding your own?
-%
-So, your daughter was voted "Most Likely to Conceive", and you're still
-drinking ordinary scotch?
-%
-Sodomy is a pain in the ass.
-%
-Some of the greatest love affairs I've known have involved one actor,
-unassisted.
-		-- Wilson Mizner
-%
-Some women achieve greatness, some have greatness thrust into them.
-%
-Some women are like musical glasses.  To keep them in tune they must be wet.
-		-- Samuel Coleridge
-%
-Statisticians do it with 95% confidence.
-%
-Statisticians probably do it.
-%
-Sticks and stones may break my bones but whips and chains excite me!!!
-%
-Sure eating yogurt will improve your sex life.  People know that if
-you'll eat that stuff, you'll eat anything.
-%
-Systems people do it with a small, but clean, interface.
-%
-Teaching undergraduates is like herding sheep.  And, like the old Basque
-sheepherder explained, whenever the livestock starts looking good to you,
-it's time to spend a night in town.
-%
-Teen-age prostitution: the problem is mounting!
-%
-Test makers do it:
-	A: sometimes
-	B: always
-	C: never
-	D: none of the above.
-%
-That girl could suck the chrome off a bumper.
-%
-That reminds me of a friend of mine who went north to work on the Alaskan
-pipeline.  Before he went up there, he was just a skinny little runt.  When
-he got back, he was a husky fucker.
-%
-	"That wife of mine is a liar," said the angry husband to a
-sympathetic pal seated next to him in a bar.
-	"How do you know?" the friend asked.
-	"She didn't come home last night, and when I asked her where
-she'd been she said she'd spent the night with her sister Shirley."
-	"So?"
-	"So, she's a liar.  I spent the night with her sister Shirley."
-%
-That's the most fun I've had without laughing.
-		-- Woody Allen, on sex
-%
-The abbess of a nunnery was instructing a group of novices on the house rules
-of her particular order.  The indoctrination period, which went on for hours,
-began with "No washing of undies in the founts," and ended with "Lights out at
-nine.  Candles out at ten."
-%
-The best way to cut off a cat's tail is to repossess his Jaguar.
-%
-The Bible contains six admonishments to homosexuals and 362 admonishments
-to heterosexuals.  That doesn't mean that God doesn't love heterosexuals.
-It's just that they need more supervision.
-%
-The big difference between sex for money and sex for free is that
-sex for money usually costs a lot less.
-		-- Brendan Francis
-%
-The blind daters had really hit it off and at the end of the evening, as
-they were beginning to undress each other in his apartment, the fellow said,
-	"Before we go any further, Charmaine, tell me -- do you have
-any special fetishes that I should take into account in bed?"
-	"As a matter of fact," smiled the girl, "I do happen to have a foot
-fetish -- but I suppose I'd settle for maybe seven or eight inches."
-%
-The bottom-up approach always gets me buggered.
-		-- Sidney J. Hurtubise
-%
-The butcher, the baker, the candlestick make her, why can't I?
-%
-The country girl who became a city madam has obviously gone from rags to rigids.
-%
-The difference between a sorority girl and a bowling ball is that you can
-only get three fingers in a bowling ball.
-%
-The difference between her and the Titanic is that only 1100 men went down
-on the Titanic.
-%
-The difference between like and love is the same as the difference between
-a spit and a swallow.
-%
-The difference between women and girls is as much as twenty years,
-in some states.
-%
-The doctor had just finished giving the young man a thorough physical
-examination.  "The best thing for you to do," the M.D. said, "is give up
-drinking, give up smoking, get to bed early and stay away from women."
-
-"Doc, I don't deserve the best," pleaded his patient.  "What's second best?"
-%
-The first time we slept together she drove a recreational vehicle into
-the bedroom.
-		-- Richard Lewis
-%
-The five-alarm fire had been raging out of control for hours, pouring thick,
-black smoke over the street.  At last the blaze was under control and the
-fire chief began accounting for his men.  Two were missing, so he ordered
-a search.  Captain Kelly finally rounded a fire truck parked in an alley
-and found, to his shock, one fireman with his trousers down leaning over a
-garbage can and another fireman screwing him in the ass.
-	"What's the meaning of this!", the captain roared.
-	"Jones here had passed out from smoke inhalation," the fireman on
-top panted.
-	"You're supposed to give mouth to mouth resuscitation for that!"
-the captain yelled.
-	"I know.  That's what started this," the fireman replied.
-%
-The fucking ain't worth the fighting.
-%
-The girls that go to see a man's etchings may not know art ...
-
-but they know what they like!
-%
-The good doctor had been an inspiration to the jungle natives.  He had cured
-their sick and taught them the religious and moral values of his own England.
-He was loved and respected by every native in the village, but on this
-particular afternoon the chief was obviously troubled as he entered the
-doctor's hut.  "You live among my people long time now," said the chief.
-"You tell us not right for a man and girl to be close together before
-marriage and we believe what you say.  This morning white child born to
-woman in village.  You only white man in jungle.  What I tell my people?"
-	The doctor smiled and led the chief to a window.  "My son," he said,
-"I'll won't attempt to give you a full scientific explanation for the
-phenomenon known as an albino.  But look at the flock of sheep upon that
-hill.  Every one is snow white except one.  The white baby born to the
-woman in your village means nothing more or less than that one black sheep
-in the white flock.  It is simply one of nature's mysterious accidents."
-	The black chief became embarrassed and looked at his feet. "OK, doc,"
-he said.  "You no tell -- I no tell."
-%
-The good news is that the horse is dead, but your mother's pregnant.
-%
-The good thing about masturbation is that you don't have to dress up for it.
-		-- Truman Capote
-%
-The hacker as a mate/lover and the signs of trouble:
-
--- The morning after note reads:
-	Whiting, Barbara:
-	I enjoyed last night.  We really interfaced.  You looked so cute
-	I wanted to byte your ear.
--- He believes Steve Wozniak offered the Apple to Adam.
--- The people he tries to emulate are five years his junior.
--- The last straw:
-	Once again, your date has lost all track of time debugging a new
-	program and shows up an hour late.
-
-	You Don't...:
-		Make nasty asides regarding his 5-1/4 inch floppy.
-	You Do...:
-		Remind him that "going down" doesn't necessarily
-		indicate a malfunction.
-%
-The harder they come, the more important it is to have an extra-firm mattress.
-%
-The honest female orgasm is three to fifteen rhythmic contractions of the
-outer third of the vagina at .8 second intervals, which is approximately
-the beat of Surfing Safari" by the Beach Boys.  Unless these contractions
-occur, you can regard her groaning, moaning, clawing, kicking, begging for
-mercy, and shouting filthy religious epithets as bargain-basement histrionics.
-		-- John Hughes, National Lampoon
-%
-The honeymoon is over when a quickie before dinner refers to a short drink.
-%
-	The hungover couple dawdled over a midafternoon breakfast, after a
-particularly wild all-night party held in their fashionable apartment.
-	"Dearest, this is rather embarrassing," said the husband, "but
-was it you I made love to in the library last night?"
-	His wife looked at him reflectively and then asked, "About what time?"
-%
-The husband was disturbed by his wife's indifferent attitude towards him
-and the marriage counselor suggested he try being more aggressive in his
-lovemaking.
-	"Act more like a romantic lover and less like a bored spouse," he
-was advised.  "When you go home, make love to her as soon as you meet --
-even if it's right inside the front door."
-	At the next consultation, the adviser was pleased to hear that the
-husband had followed his instructions.  "And how did she react this time?"
-the consultant asked.
-	"Well, to tell you the truth," the husband replied, "she was still
-sort of indifferent.  But one thing I've got to admit: her bridge club went
-absolutely wild!"
-%
-The husband wired home that he had been able to wind up his business trip a
-day early and would be home on Thursday.  When he walked into his apartment,
-however, he found his wife in bed with another man.  Furious,he picked up his
-bag and stormed out.  He met his mother-in-law on the street, told her what
-had happened and announced that he was filing for divorce in the morning.
-	"Give my daughter a chance to explain before you take any action,"
-the older woman pleaded.  Reluctantly, he agreed.
-	An hour later his mother-in-law phoned the husband at his club.
-"I knew my daughter would have an explanation," she said, a note of triumph
-in her voice.  "She didn't receive your telegram!"
-%
-The Italian entry in the Eurovision Song Contest, "I Can't Get No
-Contraception", has been withdrawn after the Pope advised them to pull it out
-at the last minute.
-		-- Not the Nine O'Clock News
-%
-The king arranged a regal marriage for his daughter -- a bond that would unite
-two great kingdoms.  Yet, because the young couple seemed so formal to each
-other, he posted a spy outside the royal wedding chamber and demanded a full
-account of the wedding night's progress.
-	"It's hard to tell," said the spy the next morning. "When the prince
-entered the chamber, I heard the princess say, quite formally, 'I offer you my
-honor.'  Then the prince said, with equal courtliness, 'I honor your offer.'
-And that's the way it went all night long -- honor, offer, honor, offer.
-%
-The largest gay community in the U.S. (as a percentage of total population)
-is not in San Francisco, but in Iowa Falls, Minnesota (pop. 763), a small
-town in which virtually everyone is gay.  In 1976, a group of about 100
-gays fleeing persecution in the South settled in the town, and soon won a
-majority on the town council.  Ordinances prohibiting heterosexual acts
-soon followed.  "After all," said mayor Harry Whalen, "If the Supreme Court
-has refused to strike down laws prohibiting homosexual acts, then our
-anti-straight laws are equally valid."  Rigorous enforcement of those laws
-has resulted in a community that is now almost 100% gay.  Said one long-time
-resident: "I've lived here 35 years and didn't want to leave, but I didn't
-want to give up sex either.  Then my neighbor Ed came over one night, and
-said how about I do it with him, and my wife Millie could do it with his
-wife.  Well, I found it wasn't nearly as bad as I thought it was gonna be.
-Fact is, I rather like it."
-%
-The little boy pointed to two dogs in the park and asked his father what
-they were doing. "They're making puppies, son," replied the father.
-	That night, the boy wandered into his parents' room while they were
-making love.  Asked what they were doing, the father replied, "Making you
-a baby brother."
-	"Gee, Dad," the boy pleaded, "turn her over -- I'd rather have a
-puppy."
-%
-	The little old lady rushed into the taxidermist and unwrapped a package
-containing two recently deceased monkeys.  Her instructions to the proprietor
-were delivered in a welter of tears.
-	"Favorite pets... (blubber,sob)... caught cold... (moan)...  Don't
-see how I'll live without them... (weep,sob)... want to have them stuffed...
-(blubber,blubber)!"
-	"Of course, madam," said the proprietor in an understanding voice,
-"and would you care to have them mounted?"
-	"Oh, no," she sobbed, "shaking hands.  They were just close friends."
-%
-The man and woman make love, attain climax, fall separate.  Then she
-whispers, "I'll tell you who I was thinking of if you tell me who you
-were thinking of."  Like most sex jokes the origins of the pleasant
-exchange are obscure.  But whatever the source, it seldom fails to evoke
-a certain awful recognition.
-		-- Gore Vidal, "New York Review of Books"
-%
-The man who said "A bird in the hand's worth two in the bush" has been
-putting his bird in the *WRONG* bushes.
-%
-The most pressing issue facing women today is finding a contraceptive
-jelly that smells like a fresh fruit salad.
-%
-The most romantic thing any woman ever said to me in bed was "Are you sure
-you're not a cop?"
-		-- Larry Brown
-%
-The most unfair thing about STDs (sexually transmitted diseases) is
-that the guys who bought vasectomies have to wear condoms anyway.
-%
-The most unsatisfactory men are those who pride themselves on their
-virility and regard sex as if it were some form of athletics at which you
-win cups. It is a woman's spirit and mood which a man has to stimulate in
-order to make sex interesting.  The real lover is the man who can thrill
-you by just touching your head or smiling into your eyes -- or just by
-staring into space.
-		-- Marilyn Monroe
-%
-The nervous young bride became irritated by her husband's lusty advances on
-their wedding night and reprimanded him severly.
-	"I demand proper manners in bed," she declared, "just as I do at
-the dinner table."
-	Amused by his wife's formality, the groom smoothed his rumpled hair
-and climbed quietly between the sheets.  "Is that better?" he asked, with a
-hint of a smile.
-	"Yes," replied the girl, "much better."
-	"Very good, darling," the husband whispered.  "Now would you
-be so kind as to please pass the pussy?"
-%
-	The old mailman is making his last rounds; he retires at the end of
-the week.  As he approaches the Jones' house, Mrs. Jones greets him warmly at
-the door.  "Please come in!  We're very grateful for your years of service to
-us and our neighborhood.  I've prepared something special for you."
- 	In walks the mailman, to a graciously appointed dining room, where
-Mrs. Jones has prepared a sumptuous lunch.  After dumping his letter satchel
-on the couch, he and Mrs. Jones have a charming meal.  As the mailman finished
-his last glass of wine, thanking his hostess profusely, she stops him from
-leaving and disappears upstairs.  She returns in a moment, in a daring
-negligee, and takes the astonished postman to the bedroom, where the elaborate
-farewell is consummated between the sheets.
- 	As he's putting his pants on, Mrs. Jones reaches into her nightstand,
-pulls out a dollar bill, and hands it to him.  Reacting to his astonished
-look, she says, "Well, I told my husband that you were retiring and that
-we should do something for you.  He said 'Fuck him.  Give him a dollar!'"
-She pauses and smiles proudly. "The lunch was MY idea."
-%
-The only difference between your current lover and a doorknob is that a
-doorknob warms up when you hold it.
-%
-The only people who make love all the time are liars.
-		-- Louis Jordan
-%
-The only psychologically damaging thing about masturbation is that there's
-nobody else to blame later for persuading you to do it.
-%
-The only way to behave to a woman is to make love to her if she is pretty
-and to someone else if she is plain.
-		-- Oscar Wilde
-%
-The operator's left hand quivered as she gingerly unlatched the catch to
-the diskette reader.  Uncontrollably, she reached down, guiding the
-sharply pointed diskette into the deep, dark slot. The floppy diskette
-nearly folded under the repeated thrusts of her hand, until finally she
-could control it no longer, her right hand instinctively taking an option
-zero.  And then it all came at once, thousands upon thousands of data
-bits flowing from diskette to disk in a torrent of torrid transfer, as
-the helpless legs of the 32 strained to remain on the floor.
-%
-	The other day my girlfriend and I were going to a party and on the
-way there, we got a flat tire.  We got out of the car and I pumped, she
-jacked I pumped, she jacked, I pumped, she jacked and then we changed the
-tire.  Eventually we arrived at the party and when we walked in, everyone was
-jumping for joy.  What a sight seeing her hanging nude from the chandelier!
-Well the party was OK, I guess, we just sat around drinking sherry and eating
-candy.  Everybody else started feeling merry.  Those have got to be the three
-wildest girls I know.
-%
-The other night I was having sex, but the girl hung up on me.
-%
-	The outraged husband discovered his wife in bed with another man.
-	"What is the meaning of this?" he demanded.  "Who is this fellow?"
-	"That seems like a fair question," said the wife, rolling over.
-"What IS your name?"
-%
-The owner of a large furniture store in the mid-west arrived in France
-on a buying trip.  As he was checking into a hotel he struck up an
-acquaintance with a beautiful young lady.  However, she only spoke
-French and he only spoke English, so each couldn't understand a word
-the other spoke.  He took out a pencil and a notebook and drew a
-picture of a taxi.  She smiled, nodded her head and they went for a
-ride in the park.  Later, he drew a picture of a table in a restaurant
-with a question mark and she nodded, so they went to dinner.  After
-dinner he sketched two dancers and she was delighted.  They went to
-several nightclubs, drank champagne, danced and had a glorious
-evening.  It had gotten quite late when she motioned for the pencil and
-drew a picture of a four-poster bed.  He was dumbfounded, and has never
-be able to understand how she knew he was in the furniture business.
-%
-The passionate young thing was having a difficult time getting across what
-she wanted from her rather dense boyfriend.  Finally she asked,
-	"Would you like to see where I was operated on for appendicitis?"
-	"Gosh, no!" he replied.  "I hate hospitals."
-%
-The penis mightier than the sword.
-%
-The pleasure is momentary,
-The position ridiculous,
-The expense damnable.
-		-- Chesterfield, on sex
-%
-The pleasure is transitory, the cost prohibitive, and the position ridiculous.
-		-- Disraeli, on sex
-%
-The plural of spouse is spice.
-		-- R.A. Heinlein
-%
-The police were investigating the mysterious death of a prominent
-businessman who had jumped from a window of his 11th story office.  His
-voluptuous private secretary could offer no explanation for the action
-but said that her boss had been acting peculiarly ever since she started
-working for him a month ago.
-	"After my very first week on the job," she said, "I received a
-twenty-dollar raise.  At the end of the second week he called me into his
-private office, gave me a lovely black nightie, five pairs of nylon
-stockings and said, 'These are for a beautiful, efficient secretary.' At
-the end of the third week he gave me a gorgeous mink stole.  Then, this
-afternoon, he called me into his private office again, presented me with
-this fabulous diamond bracelet and asked me if I would consider making
-love to him and what it would cost. I told him I would, and because he
-had been so nice to me, he could have it for five dollars, although I was
-charging all the other boys in the office ten dollars.  That's when he
-jumped out the window."
-%
-The problem with being best man at a wedding is that you never get a chance
-to prove it.
-%
-The quality of a blow-job is determined by the length of sheet you have to
-pull out of your ass.
-%
-The real problem with fucking a sheep is that you have to walk around
-in front every time you want to kiss her.
-%
-The reason big companies have lots and lots of meetings is because
-they can't masturbate.
-%
-The reason people sweat is so they won't catch fire when making love.
-		-- Don Rose
-%
-The reason that sex is so popular is that it's centrally located.
-%
-The requirements of romantic love are difficult to satisfy in the trunk
-of a Dodge Dart.
-		-- Lisa Alther
-%
-The REVERSE function works on the opposite SEXPR.
-%
-The romantic young man sat on the park bench with a first date.  He was
-certain his charming words and manner would win her as they had many others.
-	"Some moon out tonight,"he cooed.
-	"There certainly is," she agreed.
-	"Some really bright stars in the sky."
-	She nodded.
-	"Some dew on the grass."
-	"Some do," she said indignantly, "but I'm not that sort."
-%
-The sergeant walked into the shower and caught me giving myself a dishonorable
-discharge.  Without missing a beat, I said...
-	"It's my dick and I can wash it as fast as I want!"
-%
-The sex act is the funniest thing on the face of this earth.
-		-- Diana Rigg
-%
-The sex was nice, but confusing.  The whole situation kept going di-polar
-on Sta-Hi.  One instant Misty would seem like a lovely warm girl who'd
-survived a terrible injury, like a lost puppy to be stroked, a lonely
-woman to be husbanded.  But then he'd start thinking of the wires behind
-her eyes, and he'd be screwing a machine, an inanimate object, a public
-toilet.  Just like with any other woman for him, really.
-		-- Rudy Rucker, "Software"
-%
-The shy young man had been married for three months when he reported to his
-doctor that his marriage was still in name only.  The doctor, after hearing
-the sad tale, told him that waiting until bedtime to make advances was causing
-psychological pressure and advised him to take advantage of the next time he
-felt in the mood.  A week later, the doctor happened to meet the man again,
-and noticed a new spring in his step.  "My advice worked, I take it?" he
-inquired.
-	The young man grinned.  "Perfectly.  The other night, we were having
-supper, and as I reached for the salt -- so did she!  Our hands touched... It
-was as if an electric current ran through us.  I leaped to my feet, swept the
-dishes from the table and then and there consummated our marriage!  There's 
-just one problem, however.  We can't go back to The Four Seasons again..."
-%
-The struggling for knowledge has a pleasure in it like that of wrestling
-with a fine woman.
-		-- Lord Halifax
-%
-The Supreme Court does it with all deliberate speed.
-%
-The thing that takes up the least amount of time and causes the most
-amount of trouble is sex.
-	[Obviously written by a man--if it's causing so much trouble,
-	 *take* *more* *time*!]
-%
-The three faithful things in life are money, a dog and an old woman.
-%
-The three most important parts of a stove: lifter, leg, and poker.
-%
-The three sexual positions during preganancy.
-
-During the first four months:	Missionary style
-During the second four months:	Doggie style
-And during the last month:	Coyote style
-
-Coyote style?
-	You sit by the hole and howl.
-%
-The trouble with incest is that it gets you involved with relatives.
-		-- George S. Kaufman
-%
-The two couples were enjoying their vacation together at a resort hotel.  They
-were in the middle of a game of Scrabble in the lobby when a thunderstorm cut
-off the hotel's electricity, leaving little to do but retire to their rooms.
-Bill was a rather devout man, so before getting into bed with his companion,
-he said his prayers.  As he got under the covers, the lightning suddenly
-flashed through the window and he discovered that he was in the wrong room.
-He instantly jumped up and started to dash for the hallway.  "It's too late,
-called the girl from the bed, "my guy doesn't pray."
-%
-The two men feigned friendship but secretly hated each other's guts and took
-great pleasure in giving one another the needle on any and all occasions.
-This particular evening they met, quite by accident, at a popular bar.
-The conversation started innocently enough; then one, with sudden inspiration,
-ran his hand over the other's bald head and exclaimed,
-	"By God, Fred, that feels just like my wife's ass!"
-The other ran his own hand over his head and nonchalantly retorted,
-	"Well, I'll be damned, Jim, so it does, so it does!"
-%
-The two things that you should never lend out are your car or your woman.
-Someone's bound to throw a rod in either one.
-%
-The very proper spinster didn't go out very often, but she had some important
-shopping to do that morning and so decided to have her lunch in what appeared
-to be a nice quiet respectable restaurant.  With the noontime crowd, many
-customers shared their tables with strangers; the spinster selected a seat
-next to an attractive, young office girl.  The girl finished her sandwich and
-coffee, then settled back and lit up a cigarette.  The older woman controlled
-herself for a few moments and then snapped,
-	"I'd rather commit adultery than smoke in public."
-	"So would I," said the girl, "but I only have half an hour for lunch."
-%
-	The way my jeweler explained it, it's like insurance.
-	Six months' pay isn't much to keep my wife from sleeping around.
-
-A diamond -- pure, sparkling, natural, flawless, forever.  The way marriage
-should be but never quite is.  People grow and change and sometimes want to
-take their clothes off with strangers.  So when you invest in a fine piece
-of diamond jewelry, you're not only making an investment, you're making a
-statement.  You're telling the woman you love that you've just spent a lot
-of your hard-earned money on her.  Now she owes you the kind of loyalty that
-only precious jewelry can buy.  Isn't she worth it?
-
-	The Honeymoon's Over:			from $ 5000
-	The Seven Year Itch:			from $10000
-	No More Lunchtime Quickies:		from $15000
-	Divorce Would Be More Expensive:	from $42000
-
-			A diamond is for leverage.  BeDears
-%
-The way to a man's heart is through his wife's belly, and don't you forget it.
-		-- Edward Albee, "Who's Afraid of Virginia Woolf?"
-%
-The woman hurried home from her doctor's appointment, devastated by the
-medical report she had just received.  When her husband came in from work,
-she told him, "Darling, the doctor said I have only twelve more hours to
-live.  So I've decided I want to go to bed and make passionate love to you
-throughout the night.  How does that sound, dearest?"
-	"Hey, that's fine for ___you," replied the husband.  "You don't have
-to get up in the morning!"
-%
-The young girl was having a heart-to-heart talk with her mother on her
-first visit home since starting college.
-	"Mom, I have to tell you," the girl confessed.  "I lost my virginity
-last weekend."
-	"I'm not suprised," said her mother.  "It was bound to happen sooner
-or later.  I just hope it was a romantic and pleasurable experience."
-	"Well, yes and no," the pretty student remarked.  "The first eight
-guys felt great, but after them my pussy got real sore."
-%
-	The young man took a blind date to the amusement park.  They went
-for a ride on the Ferris wheel.  The ride completed, she seemed rather bored.
-"What would you like to do next?" he asked.
-	"I wanna get weighed," she said.  So he took her over to the weight
-guesser.  Next they rode the roller coaster.  After that he bought her some
-popcorn and cotton candy, then he asked what else she would like to do.
-	"I wanna get weighed," she said, bluntly.
-	I really latched onto a square one tonight, thought the boy, and
-using the excuse that he had developed a headache, he took the girl home.
-The girl's mother was surprised to see her home so early, and asked, "What's
-wrong, dear, didn't you have a nice time tonight?"
-	"Wousy," said the girl.
-%
-The young stud walked into a bordello.  After he took his clothes off, the
-woman was puzzled to see him put a clothespin on his nose, stuff cotton in
-his ears, and put a prophylactic on his penis.
-	"Hey," she asked, "what the hell are you doing?"
-	"Well, ma'am", replied the stud, "there are two things I just can't
-stand.  A screaming woman and the smell of burning rubber."
-%
-Then there was the girl who was engaged to a gymnast -- 'til he broke it off.
-%
-Then there was the guy that got badly messed up fighting for his girl's honor.
-It seems she wanted to keep it.
-%
-Then there was the middle-aged businessman who took his spouse to Paris.
-After traipsing with her from one mansion du couture to another, be begged
-for a day off to rest and got it.  With the wife gone shopping again, he
-went to the Ritz Bar and picked up a luscious parisienne.  They got on
-well until the question of money came up.  She wanted a hundred American
-dollars; he offered fifty.  They couldn't get together on the price; so
-they didn't get together.  That evening he escorted his wife to one of the
-nicer restaurants on the Rue de Rivoli, and there he spotted his gorgeous
-babe of the afternoon seated at a table near the door.
-	"See, monsieur?" she said as they passed her.  "Look what you got
-for your lousy fifty bucks."
-%
-There are a couple of things about her I greatly admire.
-%
-There are many ways to say "I love you", but fucking is the fastest.
-%
-There are so many people wanting a piece of my ass that some of them
-are having to take turns.
-		-- T.K.
-%
-There are two couples that want to convert to Catholicism.  They go
-and see a priest and he tells them that the first requirement is to abstain
-from sex for thirty days.
-	Thirty days later, the couples come back to see the priest.  He asks
-the first couple if they passed the test.
-	"Father, we didn't so much as TOUCH one another during the last month.
-	"Congratulations," the priest replies, "you are now qualified to enter
-the Church."  Then, the priests asked the second couple how they did.
-	"Well, Father," the husband says, "everything was going just fine
-until the 27th day.  My wife bent over the freezer to get something out, and
-I just happened to notice that she didn't have any panties on.  I couldn't
-stand it any more, so I walked over to her, dropped my pants, and slipped it
-to her right there."
-	"That's DISGUSTING!", the priest bellows.  "I can never let you into
-the Church after something like that."
-	"I understand Father," the man replies sadly, "they won't let us
-into Safeway anymore either."
-%
-There are two trees in the forest.  They are very proud trees.  One day
-they notice a sapling half-way between them.
-	One tree proclaims, "That is a son of beech!"
-	"No, that is a son of a birch!" insists the other.
-	"A son of a BEECH!"
-	"A son of a BIRCH!"
-	"Son of a beech!"
-	"Son of a birch!"
-
-The fighting attracts a woodpecker who informs them that he can tell what
-kind of tree the sapling is by its taste.  First he tastes the beech and
-the birch.  Then he tastes the sapling.  "Well now, is that a son of a
-beech or a son of a birch?" asks the beech.
-	"You're both wrong!" says the bird.  "That's the best piece of ash
-I've had my pecker in for a long time!"
-%
-There is a definite parallel between shots of tequila and a woman's breasts.
-One is not enough and three are too many.
-%
-There is nothing as overrated as a bad lay, or as underrated as a great shit.
-%
-There is nothing wrong with screwing everyone in sight.  Boring your friends
-about it is the sin.
-		-- Mama Liz
-%
-There isn't room enough in this dress for both of us!
-%
-There was once a newly-married couple.  Now these two lovers were, well,
-rather uptight about using expressions such as "having sex", "getting it on",
-or "boffing the brains out".  So, they decided to use the euphemism, "doing
-the laundry" whenever the topic of sex came up. 
-	One evening, hubby said, "Well, honey, feel like doing some laundry 
-tonite?", and she consented.  The next evening, hubby again asked, "Sweetie, 
-feel like doing some laundry tonite?"  Well, wifey wasn't really in the mood, 
-but complied.  On the third night, when hubby approached her, asking her to 
-participate in doing still MORE laundry, she replied, "Oh, Hon, I'm really not 
-in the mood for doing any laundry tonite."
-	Well, hubby, being a bit disappointed, locked himself in the bathroom 
-and engaged in a spot of self-abuse instead.  Upon returning to the living
-room, wifey said, "Well, Poopsie, I've changed my mind -- how about doing
-some laundry?"  To which he replied, "Oh, no, that's okay, I just did a small
-load!" 
-%
-There was something about her I liked, but I couldn't put my finger on it.
-%
-There will be sex after death, we just won't be able to feel it.
-		-- Lily Tomlin
-%
-There's a handsome boy who tells me how I've changed his past.  He buys me
-a brandy...  Could it be he's really just after my ass?
-		-- Pete Townshend, "How Many Friends"
-%
-There's many a slurp t'wixt the tip and the zip.
-%
-There's nothing better than good sex.  But bad sex?  A peanut butter
-and jelly sandwich is better than bad sex.
-		-- Billy Joel
-%
-There's nothing wrong with America that a good erection wouldn't cure.
-		-- David Mairowitz
-%
-These two project managers were walking through a residential area
-one day, when they saw a dog (also male) sitting on a lawn, licking its
-cock.  (Why do dogs do that?  Because they can).  Anyway, the first manager
-nudged the second and said, "Hey, look at that!  That really looks like fun
--- I wish I could do that!"
-	Whereupon the second manager replied, "Well, I don't know... I tried
-it once, and the damn dog bit me!"
-%
-They watched the sun slowly sink behind the hills, and the fiery glow on
-the lake fade into darkness. He eyed her shadowy figure, accentuated by
-the moonlight, as the tension from within began to fuel his animalistic
-desires. She followed him, ever so quietly, as they sought a secluded
-corner in the barn.  Alone!  At last.  His hands roamed about her soft
-back, around to her thighs, and finally caressed her budding nipples.
-Oh, how smooth and succulent she was!  "Was it so wrong?", he asked
-himself.  No, he thought, for his father had done it, as did his own
-father, ad infinitum.  The boiling, uncontrollable rage within him became
-unbearable.  She signalled her eagerness, spreading her legs, as he
-grasped her nipples again.  Stroking, again and again, longer each time.
-It began coming; again, again, again, again.  His mind raced with fear
-"Will it stop?".  Exhausted, he lay down beside her. "Dear God, what have
-I done?".  Suddenly, his father burst in.  His eyes burned as he stared
-for what seemed an eternity.  Finally, his father spoke.
-	"Son, you ain't supposed to milk the damn cow till mornin'!"
-%
-This guy was screwing his neighbors wife when a car pulls into the drive.
-"My husband!" she screams.  He panics and jumps out the window. He finds
-himself on the street, naked, under cloudy skies. There is no place to hide
-except in a crowd of joggers.  As he runs along, a woman looks over and says,
-	"Do you always jog in the nude?"
-	"Yes ma'am!" he replies.
-	"Does it always result in that kind of sexual excitement?" she asks.
-	"Yes ma'am!" he replies.
-	"Do you always wear a condom?"
-	"Only when it rains, lady.  Only when it rains."
-%
-This is a test of the emergency cunnilingus system. If this had been an
-actual emergency, you would have known it!
-%
-This system goes down more often than a two-dollar whore.
-%
-This time it's for love; next time it's $100.00.
-%
-Thou shalt not omit adultery.
-%
-Three gay guys were discussing what they thought their favorite sport would
-be.  The first decides on football, 'cause of all those gorgeous guys bending
-over in their tight pants.
-	"Definitely wrestling," sighs the second guy.  "Those skimpy little
-costumes, and think of the holds."
-	"Definitely baseball," says the third guy.  "Why?  Well, I'd be
-pitching with the bases loaded, the batter would hit a savage one-hopper
-right to me, I'd catch it, and I'd just stand there while the other guys
-rounded the bases.  Meanwhile, the crowd would be going crazy, screaming,
-`Throw the ball, you cocksucker!' and that's what I like -- recognition!"
-%
-Three minutes of serious sex and I need eight hours of sleep and
-a bowl of Wheaties.
-		-- Richard Pryor
-%
-Three women always hang their laundry out in the backyard.  When it rains,
-however, the laundry always gets wet.  All the laundry, that is, except
-for Laurie's.  Laurie never seems to have her laundry out when it rains.
-	So, one day, they are all out in the backyard putting their clothes
-on the line when one of the women says to Laurie, "Laurie, how come when it
-never rains when you have your laundry out?"
-	"Well," replies Laurie, "when I wake up in the morning, I check out
-my husband Paul.  If his penis is hanging over his right leg, I know it's
-going to be a great day.  If his penis is hanging over his left leg, I know
-it might rain.  I don't know why it works, but he's never been wrong!"
-	"Laurie, what if he has an erection?" asks the other woman.
-	"Honey, on a day like *that*, you don't do the *laundry."
-%
-Three young women were attending the same logic class given at one of the 
-better universities.  During a lecture the professor stated that he was 
-going to test their ability at situation reasoning.
-	"Let us assume," said the prof, "that you are aboard a small craft
-alone in the Pacific, and you spot a vessel approaching you with several
-sex-starved sailors on board.  What would you do in this situation to avoid
-the problem?"
-	"I would attempt to turn my craft in the opposite direction and
-flee," said the first girl.
-	"I would pass them, and hope that I could fend them off," responded
-the second woman.
-	"Frankly," murmured the third woman, "I understand the situation,
-but I fail to see the problem."
-%
-Through a major bureaucratic error, you are made county coroner.
-You seriously consider the job because it gives you:
-
-	1: Lots of unclaimed wedding rings and watches.
-	2: Lots of gold fillings and bridges.
-	3: Free blood.
-	4: A constantly changing array of new friends who aren't at
-	   all stuffy about what happens to their genitalia.
-%
-To a Real Woman, every ejaculation is premature.
-%
-To be the kind of girl designed to be kissed between the thighs.
-%
-To win a woman in the first place one must please her, then undress her, and
-then somehow get her clothes back on her.  Finally, so she will allow you
-to leave her, you've got to annoy her.
-		-- Jean Giraudoux, "Amphitryon 38"
-%
-Tri Delts; everyone else has.
-%
-Two buddies had been out drinking for hours when their money finally 
-ran out.  "I have an idea," croaked Al.  "Lesh go over to my housh and borrow
-shum money from my wife."
-	The two of them reeled into Al's living room, snapped on the light, 
-and lo and behold, there was Al's wife making love on the sofa to another man.
-This state of affairs considerably unnerved Al's friend but didn't seem to 
-affect the husband.
-	"Shay, dear, you have any money for your ever-lovin' hushban'?" he
-asked.
-	"Yes, yes," she snapped.  "Take my purse from the mantle, and for
-Pete's sake, turn off those lights."
-	Outside they examined the purse, and Al proudly announced, "There's 
-enough here for a pint for you and a pint for me.  Pretty good, eh, old buddy?"
-	"But, Al," protested his friend, somewhat sobered by the spectacle
-he'd just witnessed, "what about that fellow back there with your wife?"
-	"The hell with him," replied Al.  "Let him buy his own pint."
-%
-Two longtime friends sipped Scotch in a local bar and talked about 
-their troubles.  "And on top of everything else," said the first, "my wife
-has cut me down to just once a week."
-	"That's too bad," agreed his friend, "but it could be worse.  I know 
-two guys she's cut off altogether.
-%
-Two men were standing around talking while nearby a large German Shepherd
-lay licking his balls.  One man says to the other, "Damn, I wish I could
-do that."
-	The other man replies, "Well, it's okay by me, but I think you
-ought to get to know him a little first."
-%
-Two men, both close to retirement, are working on the assembly line.  One
-boasts to the other, "Last night I made love to my wife *three* times!"
-	"Three times!", replies his friend.  "How did you do it?"
-	"Well," says the first man, "I made love to my wife and set the
-alarm clock for two hours later.  When it went off we made love again.
-Then, I reset it for the morning and we made love once more before I came
-to work.  I feel like a bull!"
-	His friend says, "Well, that *is* fantastic!  I'm going to have
-to give it a try."  So, he goes home that night and makes love to his
-wife.  Figuring he doesn't need to set the alarm clock, he settles off
-to sleep.  Waking up a few hours later, he nudges his wife and they make love
-again.  Waking up in the morning he makes love to his wife for the third
-time.  Looking over at the clock he realizes that he's twenty minutes late
-for work.  He throws on his clothes and runs down to the subway.  When
-he gets to the factory his boss is standing there waiting.
-	"Frank", he says, "I've been working for you for 18 years, and I've
-never been late before.  You've got to forgive me twenty minutes this once!"
-	"Well," replies his boss, "okay, but it's not the twenty minutes
-that had me worried.  Where were you Tuesday, where were you Wednesday..."
-%
-Two midgets arrived at the convent door and asked to speak with the Mother
-Superior.  Led into her office, the first one asked respectfully "Excuse
-me, your holiness, but are there any midget nuns in this convent?"
-	Receiving a reply to the negative, he asked whether any midget
-nuns were to be found in any of the neighboring parish.  Again the reply
-was no.
-	The tiny man scratched his head and posed a final question.  "Beggin'
-your pardon, Mother Superior, but would you know of *any* midget nuns at
-all, anywhere?"  The nun shook her head.
-	At which the first midget turned to the second midget, put his hand
-on his shoulder, and said, "You see, I told you you fucked a penguin!"
-%
-Two nuns, a mother superior and a new nun, are walking home one night from
-church when they are attacked by two vicious rapists.  The two men drag the
-nuns off into the bushes and proceed to have their way with them.  The mother
-superior is very afraid, but she knows that God will protect her.  To show her
-strength and trust in God she yells out "Forgive him Father, for he knows not
-what he does!"
-
-To which the young nun replies "Oooooh, mine does!!"
-%
-Two old men are walking down the boardwalk when one of them tells the other
-that he has to leave, his wife is expecting him to come home and make love
-with her.
-	The other man is astonished.  "Make love to your wife?  You're as old
-as I am!  Nearly eighty years old!  What do you mean you have to go home and
-make love to your wife?"
-	The first man smiles and says, "We have a *great* sex life.  We make
-love every day."
-	"You're kidding!" says his friend.  "How do you do it?"
-	"Pumpernickel bread.  That's the secret."  And he dashes off home.
-	The other man starts to walk home.  "Hmmm," he thinks to himself
-pumpernickel bread.  Well, it's worth a try."  So he goes into a nearby
-bakery.
-	Going up to the woman at the counter, he asks for their entire stock
-of pumpernickel bread.  The woman stares at him in astonishment.  "You want
-all the pumpernickel bread we have?  Are you sure?  Don't you know that it
-will get hard?"
-	"How come," demands the man, "everybody knows about this but me?"
-%
-Two women are talking; one says to the other, "Say, weren't you dating that
-cute French horn player?  What ever happened to him?"
-	"Well," replies her friend, we're still seeing each other, but,
-I must admit, we've had some problems."
-	"Problems?  What's wrong?"
-	"You see," says the second woman, "every time he kisses me, he
-wants to shove his fist up my ass."
-%
-Two women were walking down the street, when one nudges the other and says,
-"There's my husband coming out of the florist's with a dozen roses, damn it.
-That means I'll have to keep my legs up in the air for three days."
-
-Replies her friend, "Well, why don't you buy a vase?"
-%
-	Two young men seated in a restaurant were watching a customer busily
-disposing of a plate of oysters on the half shell.  One of the young
-men remarked to his friend,
-	"Did you ever hear that business about raw oysters being
-good for a man's virility?"
-	"Yes, why?" the friend replied.
-	"Well, take it from me, that's a lot of foolishness.  I ate a
-dozen of them the other night, and only nine worked."
-%
-Unix programmers do it with pipes.
-%
-User friendly software searching for friendly Hardware to interface with.
-Hardware may present itself in floppy format as software has capability to
-upgrading same to full size firm.  Size is not all that important; but byte
-sized bandwith required -- header width is of more concern.  Joystick should
-be able to toggle in different speeds and for some duration.  Software is
-looking for system willing to perform intensive manipulation of keyboard as
-well as preparing the mainframe and disk drives.  Fingering of all files
-permitted, and encouraged, before thrusting joystick into drive.  Software
-is programmed not to copy; there is no need for removing joystick before
-completed execution of program.  Program may be run several times per day...
-especially if special features and options are utilized.
-%
-Vandalism On The Upswing!
-	Last night, windows were broken and graffiti was sprayed over the
-	front of the local sex shop, Le Sex Boutique, causing several hundred
-	dollars in damage.  In a later anonymous phone call, the provisional
-	wing of the Salvation Army claimed responsibility.
-%
-Vegetarians for oral sex -- "The only meat that's fit to eat"
-%
-Vidi, vici, veni.
-(I saw, I conquered, I came.)
-%
-We drove to the hotel and said goodbye.  How hypocritical to go upstairs
-with a man you don't want to fuck, leave the one you do sitting there alone,
-and then, in a state of great excitement, fuck the one you don't want to
-fuck while pretending he's the one you do.  That's called fidelity.  That's
-called civilization and its discontents.
-		-- Erica Jong, "Fear of Flying"
-%
-We have reason to believe that man first walked upright to free his hands
-for masturbation.
-		-- Lily Tomlin
-%
-We may eventually come to realize that chastity is no more a virtue
-than malnutrition.
-		-- Alex Comfort
-%
-We've all heard about the woman who married a Field Service engineer but
-divorced him after one day because he'd done nothing on their wedding night
-but promise to have it up in 15 minutes.  What few people realize is that the
-poor man was in the bathroom all night, masturbating furiously, muttering
-"I just don't understand, it passes all the diagnostics!"
-%
-"We've got things well in hand."
-		-- Master Byte Software, Los Gatos California.
-%
-We've just recieved the results of a survey conducted to ascertain the
-various reasons men get out of bed in the middle of the night.  According
-to the report, 2% are motivated by a desire to visit the bathroom, and
-3% have an urge to raid the refrigerator.  The other 95% get up to go home.
-%
-Welcome to Fortune Blackmail!!
-	Ms. Kat****** Bl****an is the mistress of a well-known
-	banker in Houston, Texas.  That's $5000, please, to stop
-	us from revealing both of your names, Mr. L*****, so that
-	your wife Doreen, and your lovely children Diane, Janice
-	and Tom need never know the name of your mistress.  You
-	have two days to reach us at:
-
-		Fortune Blackmail
-		Behind the hot water pipes,
-		Third stall from the end,
-		Greyhound Bus Terminal, Fayette MO.
-%
-Welcome to Fortune Blackmail!!
-	This is the first of a series of revelations which could
-	add up to a divorce, premature retirement and possible
-	criminal proceedings for a company vice-president in Langley Virginia.
-	So, Mr. S*****, $10,000 please to stop us from revealing:
-		1: Whose shoulders you were sitting on.
-		2: What you were doing.
-		3: The names of the three people involved.
-		4: The youth organization to which they belonged.
-		5: The shop where you bought the equipment.
-%
-Well, didja wake up grouchy or did you let her sleep?
-%
-Well, see, I was out with this chick last night, and we were in bed, and
-she groaned to me, "Give me nine inches, and make it hurt!"  So, I fucked
-her twice and slapped her.
-%
-Well, see, Joyce, there we were, trapped in the elevator.  Now, I had
-my tennis racquet and the goldfish; she was holding the Crisco.  Surely
-you can imagine how one thing naturally led to another!
-%
-Well, you almost got it right.  The only problem is, you're doing it exactly
-backwards!  Just reverse the motions you described and your partner will
-experience an incredibly intense orgasm.  One trouble with this technique,
-though, is that it works so well.  Believe me, word will get around about
-your newfound prowess and you'll be inundated by prospective sexual partners.
-So try to be discreet.  I prefer maple syrup to pineapple/apricot lotion, but
-that's a matter of personal preference.  Also, I'd advise against the syrup,
-or using honey, if you're outside, because the insects it attracts tend to
-distract the quail.  You can substitute crazy glue (but obviously not thumb
-tacks!) for the masking tape, but only if you don't want to use the piano for
-awhile.
-%
-Were it not for imagination, sir, a man would be as happy in the arms
-of a chambermaid as a duchess.
-		-- Dr. Johnson
-%
-What creatures of habit we are.  This morning, without thinking, half asleep,
-I put $100 on my pillow.  That's not so bad, no one would worry about it, but
-my wife, half asleep, without thinking, gave me $20 change.
-%
-What is a promiscuous person -- it's usually someone who is getting more
-sex than you are.
-		-- Victor Lownes, quoted in "In and Out: Debrett 1980-81",
-		   by N. Mackwood
-%
-What this department needs is a really good inflatable doll.
-%
-Whatever else can be said about sex, it cannot be called a dignified
-performance.
-		-- Helen Lawrenson
-%
-Whatever happened to the good old days when sex was dirty and the air was clean?
-%
-Whatever you say about pornography, sex is here to stay.
-%
-When a girl admits she's had a checkered career, it's your move.
-%
-When better women are made, computer programmers will make them.
-%
-When Boy Scouts do it, it's intense.
-%
-When his company fell on hard times, the boss realized that he'd have to
-lay off one of his two middle managers.  As both Jack and Liz were equally
-honest and dedicated to their jobs, he was unable to decide which one to
-fire.  To resolve his dilemma, the boss arbitrarily decided that the first
-to leave his or her desk the next morning would be the one to get the ax.
-	The next morning found Liz at her desk, rubbing her temples.  Asking
-Jack for some aspirin, she headed for the water fountain and that's where
-the boss caught up with her.  "I've got some bad news for you, Liz," he said.
-"I've got to lay you or Jack off."
-	"Jack off," she snapped.  "I have a headache."
-%
-When I said "we", officer, I was referring to myself, the four young
-ladies, and, of course, the goat.
-%
-When Snow White turns on with the dwarfs she probably winds up feeling Dopey.
-%
-When the naive young lady asked the clerk in Le Sex Shoppe to show her his
-selection of vibrators, he brought out the two most popular ones.
-	"The basic white plastic one here is twenty dollars," the clerk said.
-"The flesh-toned rubber models are thirty."
-	"I'm just not sure," the woman said,  Then she noticed an eye-catching
-item on the back shelf.  "How much is that plaid one over there?
-	"Uh, well, that's a pretty special one," said the clerk.  "I couldn't
-sell you that one for less than a hundred."
-	"I'll take it."
-	Later that day, the store owner checked in to see how business was
-going.  "Great," the clerk told him.  "This morning, I sold four white
-vibrators and three flesh-toned ones.  And, this afternoon, I got a hundred
-bucks for my Thermos."
-%
-When the prick stands up, the brains get buried in the ground.
-		-- Old Jewish saying
-
-[How come there aren't ever any "New Jewish sayings?"  Ed.]
-%
-When the surgeon came to see her on the morning after her operation, the
-young woman asked her somewhat hesitantly how long it would be before she
-could resume her sex life.  "I really haven't thought about it," gulped
-the stunned surgeon.  "You're the first patient who's asked me that after
-a tonsillectomy!"
-%
-When you see someone across the room and suddenly know for a fact
-that he's the most wonderful man on earth, you've got instant lust on your
-hands.  Something about the way his tie is knotted is infinitely intriguing
-to you, and the swell of his bicep causes inner turmoil.  This is a happy
-but fleeting state of affairs.  Usually your feelings die about thirty
-seconds after you get up the courage to ask him for the time, since almost
-invariably he can't speak English, and if he can, he always says, "Why,
-sure, little lady, it's eleven-thirty.  Wanna get high?
-
-Don't bother thinking that instant lust will turn into the real thing.  It may,
-but then you may also wake up one morning to find you're the Queen of Rumania.
-		-- Cynthia Hemiel, "Sex Tips for Girls"
-%
-Whenever someone tells you to "take it like a man" it usually means up your ass.
-%
-	"Where'd she get those crow's feet?"
-	"You really want to know?"
-	"Yeah."
-	"From squinting and screaming, 'Suck what!?'"
-%
-Which of the following doesn't belong?
-	a. meat
-	b. eggs
-	c. drum
-	d. blowjob.
-
-Answer:
-	d:  A blowjob, because you can beat your meat, your eggs,
-	    or your drum, but you just can't beat a blowjob.
-%
-While farmers generally allow one rooster for ten hens, ten men are
-scarcely sufficient to service one woman.
-		-- Boccaccio
-%
-	While hunting, a man saw a beautiful nude woman come running out of
-the woods and disappear across the clearing.  Just as she got out of sight, 
-three men dressed in white uniforms came running out of the same woods.
-"Hey, you," yelled one of them, "did you see a woman come by here?"
-	"Yes," replied the hunter.  "What's the trouble?"
-	"She's an inmate of the county asylum, and gets loose every now and
-then.  We're trying to catch her."
-	"I can understand that," said the hunter, "But why is one of you
-carrying a bucket of sand?"
-	"That's his handicap," said the spokesman, "he caught her last time."
-%
-While not actually a sailor, I certainly enjoy getting blown ashore.
-%
-While vacationing last summer in the North Woods, a young fellow thought it
-might be a good idea to write his girl.  He had brought no stationery with
-him, however; so he had to walk into town for some.  Entering the one and
-only general store, he discovered that the clerk was a young, full-blown farm
-girl with languorous eyes.
-	"Do you keep stationery?" he asked.
-	"Well," she giggled, "I do until the last few seconds, and then I
-just go wild."
-%
-While visiting our country, a lovely French maiden found herself
-out of money just as her visa expired.  Unable to pay her passage back to
-France, she was in despair until an enterprising sailor made her a sporting
-proposition.  "My ship is sailing tonight," he said.  "I'll smuggle you
-aboard, hide you down in the hold and provide you with a mattress, blankets
-and food.  All it will cost you is a little love."
-	The girl consented, and late that night the sailor sneaked her on
-board his vessel.  Twice each day thereafter, the sailor smuggled a large
-tray of food below decks, took his pleasure with the little French stowaway
-and departed.  The days turned into weeks, and the weeks might have turned
-into months if the captain hadn't noticed the sailor carrying food below one
-evening and followed him.  After witnessing this unique bit of barter, he
-waited until the sailor had departed and then confronted the girl, demanding
-an explanation.  She told him the whole story.
-	"Hmmm," mused the captian.  "A clever arrangement, and I must say I
-admire that young seaman's ingenuity.  However, miss, I feel it is only fair
-to tell you that this is the Staten Island Ferry."
-%
-Whoever named it "necking" was a poor judge of anatomy.
-		-- Groucho Marx
-%
-	"Why did you spend so much time parked in that fellow's car last
-night?" demanded the irate mother. "I could hear the giggling and squealing
-for a good half hour."
-	"But, Mom," answered her daughter, "if a fellow takes you to the
-movies you ought to at least kiss him good night."
-	"I thought you went to the Stork Club?" countered the mother.
-	"We did."
-%
-Why marry a virgin?  If she wasn't good enough for the rest of them
-then she isn't good enough for you.
-%
-Why, Good Morning!  I'm the bluebird of fellatio!
-%
-With a bushel of apples, you can have a hell of a time with the doctor's wife.
-%
-	With deep concern, if not alarm, Dick noted that his friend
-Conrad was drunker than he'd ever seen him before.  "What's the trouble,
-buddy?", he asked, sliding onto the stool next to his friend.
-	"It's a woman, Dick," Conrad replied.
-	"I guessed that much.  Tell me about it."
-	"I can't," Conrad said.  But after a few more drinks his tongue
-and resolution both seemed to weaken and, turning to his buddy, he said,
-"Okay. It's your wife."
-	"My wife!!"
-	"Yeah."
-	"What about her?"
-	Conrad pondered the question heavily, and draped his arm around
-his pal.  "Well, buddy-boy," he said, "I'm afraid she's cheating on us."
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-Women think of being a man as a gift.  It is a duty.  Even making love can
-be a duty.  A man has always got to get it up, and love isn't always enough.
-		-- Norman Mailer
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-Women Unite!  Make *___him* sleep in the wet spot tonight!
-%
-Working here is like a pregnancy.  After nine months you wish you hadn't come.
-%
-Writers do it between periods.
-%
-"Yeah, I used to be into necrophelia, bestiality and sadism, but then I
-realized I was just flogging a dead horse."
-%
-"Yes, sir, the bowling ball nipple rings in black.  Will there
-be anything else?"
-%
-You are a tower of strength in the office, but only so-so in bed.
-%
-You are loved by the multitudes.  Have you been to the clinic lately?
-%
-You better believe that marijuana can cause castration.  Just suppose
-your girlfriend gets the munchies!
-%
-"You can beat my meat, but you can't lick my sauce!"
-		-- Boss' Ribs, Portland, Oregon
-%
-You can get used to living at a nudist camp.  The first three days are the
-hardest.
-		-- R. Dreiser
-%
-You come out of a woman and you spend the rest of your life trying to
-get back inside.
-		--  Heathcote Williams
-%
-You might get caught holding the bag.  Say she's your sister.
-%
-You pedophiliac sodomizer of ducklings!!
-%
-	You see, this girl wakes up one morning, rolls over and sees an
-elephant in the bed with her.  Almost in shock, she says, "Did I pick you 
-up in the bar last night?"
-	"Uh-huh," the  elephant replies.
-	"Did I bring you home?"
-	"Uh-huh."
-	"Did we, uh, fool around?"
-	"Uh-huh."
-	"Lord, I must have been tight!"
-	"Not any more."
-%
-Your first husband was the one you married while firmly believing that
-there are more important things in life than great sex.
-%
-Yuck Foo.
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