fortune-teller 0.1.2 → 0.3.0

package/fortunes/off/unrotated/definitions

@@ -1,1397 +0,0 @@
-68:
-	Do me now and I'll owe you one.
-%
-71:
-	69 with two fingers up your ass.
-		-- George Carlin
-%
-A clitoris is a lot like Antarctica:
-	most men know it's there, but few really care.
-%
-A.A.A.A.A.:
-	An organization for drunks who drive.
-%
-Achilles' Biological Findings:
-        (1) If a child looks like his father, that's heredity.  If he
-            looks like a neighbor, that's environment.
-        (2) A lot of time has been wasted arguing over what came first
-            -- the chicken or the egg.  It was undoubtedly the
-            rooster.
-%
-Adam's Law:
-	(1)  Women don't know what they want;
-	     they don't like what they have got.
-	(2)  Men know very well what they want;
-	     having got it, they begin to lose interest.
-%
-Adolescence, n.:
-	The stage between puberty and adultery.
-%
-Adultery:
-	Putting yourself in someone else's position.
-%
-ambition, n:
-	An ant crawling up an elephant's leg with rape on his mind.
-%
-anxiety, n:
-	The first time you can't do it a second time.
-
-panic, n:
-	The second time you can't do it the first time.
-%
-Appointment book:
-	The reference of last resort when trying to duck undesired
-	invitations ("Gee, the soonest I can pencil you in is
-	December, 2004"), or when trying to figure out what the hell
-	it was you did during the past year.
-%
-Arkansas:
-	Where the men are men, so are the women and the sheep run scared.
-%
-Ass:
-	The masculine of "lass".
-%
-Bacchus, n.:
-	A convenient deity invented by the ancients as an excuse for
-	getting drunk.
-		-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
-%
-Balls' Law:
-	The angle of the dangle is directly proportional to the heat
-	of the meat provided that the thrusts of the busts are constant.
-%
-Baltimore, n.:
-	Where the women wear turtleneck sweaters to hide their flea collars.
-%
-Baltimore:
-	A wharf-rat stealing Diogenes' lamp.
-%
-beef stroganoff, n:
-	A bull masturbating.
-%
-"Better late than never!":
-	The single girl's motto.
-%
-bi, n:
-	When *everybody* thinks you're a pervert.
-%
-Big Toe: 
-The pad of the male big toe applied to the clitoris or the vulva
-generally is a magnificent erotic instrument.  The famous gentleman in erotic
-prints who is keeping six women occupied is using tongue, penis, both hands,
-and both big toes.  Use the toe in mammary or armpit intercourse or any time
-you are astride her, or sit facing as she lies or sits.  Make sure the nail
-isn't sharp.  In a restuarant, in these days of tights one can surreptitiously
-remove a shoe and sock, reach over, and keep her in almost continuous orgasm
-with all four hands fully in view on the table top and no sign of contact--
-A party trick which really rates as advanced sex.  She has less scope, but
-can learn to masturbate him with her two big toes.  The toes are definitely
-erogenic areas, and can be kissed, sucked, tickled, or tied with stimulating
-results.
-		-- The Joy of Sex
-		[Avoid armpit intercourse when razor stubble is present. Ed.]
-%
-BOHICA:
-	Bend over, here it comes again.
-%
-Bondage:
-Bondage, or as the French call it, ligottage, is the gentle art of tying up
-your sex partner --- not to overcome reluctance but to boost orgasm.  It's
-one unscheduled sex technique which a lot of people find extremely exciting
-but are scared to try, and a venerable human resource for increasing sexual
-feeling, partly because it's a harmless expression of sexual aggression --
-something we badly need, our culture being very uptight about it -- and more
-because of its physical affects: slow orgasm when unable to move is a
-mind-blowing experience for anyone not too frightened of their own aggressive
-self to try it.
-		-- The Joy of Sex
-%
-Boston, n.:
-	Ludwig van Beethoven being jeered by 50,000 sports fans for
-	finishing second in the Irish jig competition.
-%
-Boston:
-	An outdoor Betty Ford Clinic.
-%
-British Israelites:
-	The British Israelites believe the white Anglo-Saxons of Britain to
-be descended from the ten lost tribes of Israel deported by Sargon of Assyria
-on the fall of Sumeria in 721 B.C. ... They further believe that the future
-can be foretold by the measurements of the Great Pyramid, which probably
-means it will be big and yellow and in the hand of the Arabs.  They also
-believe that if you sleep with your head under the pillow a fairy will come
-and take all your teeth.
-		-- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"
-%
-Brontosaurus Principle:
-	Organizations can grow faster than their brains can manage them
-	in relation to their environment and to their own physiology:  when
-	this occurs, they are an endangered species.
-		-- Thomas K. Connellan
-%
-brunette bush, n:
-	The dark side of the moon.
-%
-cad, n.:
-	A man who doesn't tell his wife
-	that he's sterile until she's pregnant.
-%
-California:
-	From Latin 'calor', meaning "heat" (as in English 'calorie' or
-	Spanish 'caliente'); and 'fornia', for "sexual intercourse" or
-	"fornication." Hence:  Tierra de California, "the land of hot sex."
-		-- Ed Moran, Covina, California
-%
-callgirl, n:
-	A negotiable blonde.
-%
-Camille's Axiom:
-	If you haven't asked yourself, "Why the hell did
-	I go to college anyway?", you must be teaching.
-%
-Chastity belt:
-	An anti-trust suit.
-
-	(And an unchivalrous knight is the one that files it.)
-%
-Chastity:
-	The most unnatural of the sexual perversions.
-		-- Aldous Huxley
-%
-Chicago, n.:
-	Where the dead still vote ... early and often!
-%
-Christ:
-	A man who was born at least 5,000 years ahead of his time.
-%
-Christian, n.:
-	One who believes that the New Testament is a divinely inspired
-	book admirably suited to the spiritual needs of his neighbor.  One who
-	follows the teachings of Christ in so far as they are not inconsistent
-	with a life of sin.
-		-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
-%
-Christmas:
-	A time when each of us gets to reflect upon what we each most
-	deeply and sincerely believe in.  Money.  At the mall of our choice.
-%
-cigarette, n.:
-	A fire at one end, a fool at the other, and a bit of tobacco in between.
-%
-Cinderella 10:
-	A woman who sucks and fucks 'til midnight and
-	then turns into a pizza and a six-pack.
-%
-Clarke's Third Law:
-	Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from magic.
-
-G's Third Law:
-	In spite of all evidence to the contrary, the entire universe
-	is composed of only two basic substances: magic and bullshit.
-
-H's Dictum:
-	There is no magic ...
-%
-Cleveland:
-	Where their last tornado did six million dollars worth of improvements.
-%
-clitoris, n:
-	A haired trigger.
-%
-Cocaine:
-	The thinking man's Dristan.
-%
-cock-sucker, n:
-	Someone who got caught doing what you got away with.
-%
-coitus interruptus, n:
-	A jerky movement following the words (by either sex partner)
-	"I want to have your child."
-%
-cold, adj.:
-	When the local flashers are handing out written descriptions.
-%
-cold, adj:
-	When your dog sticks to the fire hydrant.
-%
-Colorado:
-	Where they don't buy M & M's, 'cause they're so hard to peel.
-%
-computerfirm nymphomaniac, n:
-	Hot Apple pie.
-%
-confusion, n:
-	Father's Day in San Francisco.
-%
-confusion:
-	One woman plus one left turn.
-excitement:
-	Two women plus one secret.
-bedlam:
-	Three women plus one bargain.
-chaos:
-	Four women plus one luncheon check.
-%
-Conservative, n.:
-	One who admires radicals centuries after they're dead.
-		-- Leo C. Rosten
-%
-Conservative, n:
-	A statesman who is enamored of existing evils, as distinguished
-	from the Liberal who wishes to replace them with others.
-		-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
-%
-continental breakfast, n:
-	A roll in bed with some honey.
-%
-Coors, n:
-	Like making love in a canoe -- fucking close to water.
-%
-Corrupt, adj.:
-	In politics, holding an office of trust or profit.
-%
-courage, n:
-	Two cannibals having oral sex.
-%
-Cox's philosophy:
-	Life's a bitch, then you die.
-%
-coyote love, n:
-	Coyote love is a nebulous term.  Basically, what it involves is
-	the taking of a member of the preferred sex home from a singles 
-	bar.  Then, when you wake up the next morning, they're sleeping
-	on your arm.  So, rather than wake them up as you escape, you 
-	chew off your arm at the shoulder.
-
-coyote ugly, adj:
-	When you chew off the other arm 'cause she'll be looking for
-	a one-armed man!
-
-See also proof that average instantaneous beauty increases monotonically
-as alcohol consumption increases and time, t, approaches last call.
-%
-crew, n:
-	Eight big men and their cute little cox.
-%
-Crinklaw's Observation:
-	Nowadays the order of life is reversed: Sex is first enjoyed,
-	marriage follows, and after marriage comes abstinence.
-%
-Dallas:
-	The city that chose Astroturf to keep the cheerleaders from grazing.
-%
-Democracy, n.:
-	A government of the masses.  Authority derived through mass meeting
-	or any other form of direct expression.  Results in mobocracy.
-	Attitude toward property is communistic... negating property rights.
-	Attitude toward law is that the will of the majority shall regulate,
-	whether it is based upon deliberation or governed by passion,
-	prejudice, and impulse, without restraint or regard to consequences.
-	Result is demagogism, license, agitation, discontent, anarchy.
-		-- U. S. Army Training Manual No. 2000-25 (1928-1932),
-		   since withdrawn.
-%
-Democracy, n:
-	In which you say what you like and do what you're told.
-		-- Gerald Barry
-
-The difference between a Democracy and a Dictatorship is that in a
-Democracy you vote first and take orders later; in a Dictatorship
-you don't have to waste your time voting.
-		-- Charles Bukowski
-%
-diaphragm, n:
-	A childproof cap.
-%
-dicker, v:
-	What you do to your wife if arguing doesn't work.
-%
-Disclaimer of the Week:
-	Any Society Which Requires Disclaimers Has Too Many Goddamn Lawyers.
-%
-dyke, n:
-	A woman who kick-starts her vibrator.  And rolls her own tampons.
-%
-Elliptical, n.:
-	The feel of a kiss.
-%
-embarrassment, n.:
-	Finding out your German Shepherd has the clap.
-%
-Erogenous zone, n.:
-	The skin you touch to love.
-%
-eternity, n.:
-	The length of time between when you come and he leaves.
-%
-exotic dancer, n.:
-	A girl who brings home the bacon a strip at a time.
-%
-Faith, n:
-	That quality which enables us to believe what we know to be untrue.
-%
-Fear, n.:
-	What you feel when you see a U-Haul with Texas license plates.
-%
-felt tip, v.:
-	Past tense for a breast examination!
-%
-Female rabbits:
-	The gift that just "keeps on giving."
-%
-female, n.:
-	Life support system for a pussy.
-%
-Feminism, n.:
-	A political position which seeks to rebuild society so that
-	both men and women are treated as women wish to be treated.
-%
-First Corollary of Taber's Second Law:
-	Machines that piss people off get murdered.
-		-- Pat Taber
-%
-First Law of Bicycling:
-	No matter which way you ride, it's uphill and against the wind.
-%
-Flirt, n.:
-	A girl whose favorite man is the next one.
-%
-fornication, n.:
-	Term used by people who don't have anybody to screw with.
-%
-FORTUNE'S RULES TO LIVE BY: #5
-	Don't wear your spurs while making love in a waterbed.
-%
-FORTUNE'S RULES TO LIVE BY: #8
-	Don't wear your high heels while making love on the pool table.
-%
-Frisbeetarianism, n.:
-	The belief that when you die, your soul goes up the on roof and
-	gets stuck.
-%
-fuck-me-pumps, n.:
-	Stiletto heels of a certain length, usually black patent leather.
-The proper designation is "throw-me-down-and-fuck-me" pumps.  Shoes with
-heels just high enough to let the frayed tip of a bullwhip trail around
-them properly.
-%
-fuckoff, n.:
-	The tie breaker at the Miss America Beauty Pageant.
-%
-garter, n.:
-	An elastic band intended to keep a woman
-	from coming out of her stockings and desolating the country.
-%
-gay, adj.:
-	Of a man, one who'd rather swish than fight.
-%
-Georgia:
-	Where kinky sex means getting laid.
-%
-Glee Club groupie, n.:
-	A girl into choral sex.
-%
-God:
-	Darwin's chief rival.
-%
-Goldfish:
-Two naked people tied and put on a mattress together to make love
-"fish fashion" (ie: no hands).  Originally a nineteenth-century bordel joke.
-It can be done (if you are the victims, try on your sides from behind).
-Venerable party game, but don't play it with strangers, or leave players
-unsupervised, even briefly.  There was a nice spoof on this sex stunt in
-the movie "Soldier Blue".  A good many women can get an orgasm from this
-simply by struggling, especially if you put them in front of a mirror.
-Don't both tie yourselves, even if you can manage it -- you might not be
-able to get loose.
-		-- The Joy of Sex
-%
-good scout, n.:
-	Someone who knows the lay of the land and will take you to her.
-%
-Gourmet, n.:
-	Anyone whom, when you fail to finish something strange or
-	revolting, remarks that it's an acquired taste and that you're
-	leaving the best part.
-%
-great lover, n.:
-	A man who can breathe through his ears.
-%
-Gross, adj.:
-	When your bloody mary still has the string in it.
-%
-Gross, adj.:
-	When your grandmother kisses you goodnight and slips you some tongue.
-%
-Gynecologist, n.:
-	Someone who spends their time spreading old wives' tails.
-%
-Haggis, n.:
-	Haggis is a kind of stuff black pudding eaten by the Scots and
-	considered by them to be not only a delicacy but fit for human
-	consumption.  The minced heart, liver and lungs of a sheep, calf or
-	other animal's inner organs are mixed with oatmeal, sealed and boiled
-	in maw in the sheep's intestinal stomach-bag and ... Excuse me a minute
-	...
-%
-Hall's Laws of Politics:
-	(1) The voters want fewer taxes and more spending.
-	(2) Citizens want honest politicians until they want
-	    something fixed.
-	(3) Constituency drives out consistency (i.e., liberals defend
-	    military spending, and conservatives social spending in
-	    their own districts).
-%
-Handel's Proverb:
-	You can't produce a baby in one month by impregnating 9 women!
-%
-Handy hint:
-	A tea bag or two can be a dandy substitute when you're out of tampons.
-%
-happiness, n.:
-	Finding the owner of a lost bikini.
-%
-happiness, n.:
-	Having your Herpes (Type II) test come back negative.
-%
-Hartley's Second Law:
-	Never sleep with anyone crazier than yourself.
-
-My corollary:
-	The completely psychotic have all the fun.
-%
-Harvard Law:
-	Under the most rigorously controlled conditions of pressure,
-	temperature, volume, humidity, and other variables, the
-	organism will do as it damn well pleases.
-%
-hell, n.:
-	Truth seen too late.
-%
-henpecked husband, n.:
-	One who's afraid to tell his pregnant wife that he's sterile.
-%
-hermit, n.:
-	A man who'd rather get off by himself.
-%
-herpes, n.:
-	The final proof that 'tis better to give than to receive.
-	Much better.
-%
-high technology, n.:
-	A California innovation composed of equal parts of silicon and
-	marijuana.
-%
-honor, n.:
-	Almost as good as in 'er.
-%
-horny, adj.:
-	When your cock gets hard if the wind blows.
-%
-hypocrite, n.:
-	A man who says he likes cats, but won't eat pussy.
-%
-Impossible, adj.:
-	(1) I wouldn't like it and when it happens I won't approve;
-	(2) I can't be bothered; (3) God can't be bothered.  Meaning (3) may
-	perhaps be valid but the others are 101% whaledreck.
-		-- Chad C. Mulligan, "The Hipcrime Vocab"
-%
-impotent loser, n.:
-	Someone who can't even get his hopes up.
-%
-Incest, n:
-	Sibling revelry; a sport the whole family can enjoy.
-%
-Infatuation, n:
-	When you're in love, there's a lump in your throat.
-	When you're infatuated, there's a lump in your pants.
-%
-Infidel:
-	In New York, one who does not believe in the Christian religion;
-	in Constantinople, one who does.
-		-- Ambrose Bierce
-%
-innunendo, n.:
-	Italian enema.
-%
-irony, n.:
-	A windy day, when, just as a beautiful girl with
-	a short skirt approaches, dust blows in your eyes.
-%
-Japan, n:
-	A fictional place where elves, gnomes and economic imperialists
-	create electronic equipment and computers using black magic.  It
-	is said that in the capital city of Akihabara, the streets are
-	paved with gold and semiconductor chips grow on low bushes from
-	which they are harvested by the happy natives.
-%
-Johnny Carson's Observation on Geriatrics:
-	Sex in the sixties is great, but it improves if you pull
-	over to the side of the road.
-%
-Kansas:
-	Where the men are men and so are the women!
-%
-Kasha, n.:
-	Kasha is always defined as "buckwheat groats".  There's only
-	one problem with this definition: what the fuck are "buckwheat
-	groats"?  *_I* know what they are -- they're kasha.  But that doesn't
-	help *___you* much.
-		-- Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish"
-%
-Kerr's Three Rules for a Successful College:
-	Have plenty of football for the alumni, sex
-	for the students, and parking for the faculty.
-%
-Kleptomaniac, n.:
-	A rich thief.
-		-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
-%
-Knowledge Engineering:
-
-A combination of:
-
-Engineering, n.:
-	The application of science and mathematics by which the properties
-of matter and the sources of energy in nature are made useful to man in
-structures, machines, products, systems and processes.
-
-and
-
-Knowledge, n.:
-	Sexual intercourse.
-
-See also: Prostitution, Grantsmanship.
-%
-Kotex, n.:
-	Not the best thing on earth, but next to the best.
-%
-Kumquat, n.:
-	Any of several small citrus fruits with sweet spongy rind and
-	somewhat acidic pulp that are used chiefly for preserves.
-	Extremely popular in some forms of sexual intercourse.  In fact,
-	an early indication that your partner is willing to experiment
-	sexually may be a rather insistent moaning of "kumquat, kumquat"
-	during orgasm.
-
-	Note: this is *not* to be confused with a warning from your
-	partner that his/her parents are upstairs and probably awake.
-%
-LA:
-	Where the only way to determine that the seasons have changed
-	is to note that people have changed the main topic of conversation.
-	From mud slides to brush fires.
-%
-Labia majora, n.:
-	The curly gates.
-%
-lagnaf, n.:
-	Let's All Get Naked And Fuck!
-%
-Law of Probable Dispersal:
-	Whatever it is that hits the fan will not be evenly distributed.
-%
-Law of the Yukon:
-	Only the lead dog gets a change of scenery.
-%
-lawyer, n.:
-	Someone who can get a sodomy charge changed to "following too
-	closely."
-%
-lazy, adj.:
-	Marrying a pregnant woman.
-%
-Lesbian QOTD:
-	I didn't give up sex, I just gave up premature ejaculation.
-%
-liberal, n.:
-	Someone too poor to be a capitalist and too rich to be a communist.
-%
-Life is like a penis:
-	when it's soft you can't beat it, and when it's hard you get fucked.
-%
-Little death (la petite mort):
-Some women do indeed pass right out, the 'little death' of French
-poetry.  Men occasionally do the same.  The experience is not
-unpleasant, but it can scare an inexperienced partner cold.  A friend
-of ours had this happen with the first girl he ever slept with.  On
-recovery she explained, "I am awfully sorry, but I always do that." By
-then he had called the police and an ambulance.  So there is no cause
-for alarm, any more than over the yells, convulsions, hysterical
-laughter, or sobbing, or any of the other quite unexpected reactions
-that go along with complete orgasm in some people.  By contrast others
-simply shut their eyes, but enjoy it no less.  Sound and fury can be a
-flattering testimony to a partners skills, but a fallacious one,
-because they don't depend on the intensity of feeling, nor it upon them.
-		-- The Joy of Sex
-%
-Little Known Facts, #23:
-	Did you know... that if you dial 911 in Los Angeles you get
-	the BMW repair garage?
-%
-Lucky, adj:
-	When you have a wife and a cigarette lighter -- both of which work.
-%
-Luser, n.:
-	Someone who picks up a female hitch-hiker walking home from a date.
-%
-macho, adj.:
-	Jogging home from your vasectomy.
-%
-maiden aunt, n.:
-	A girl who never had the sense to say "uncle."
-%
-Maiden, n.:
-	A young person of the unfair sex addicted to clewless conduct and
-	views that madden to crime.  The genus has a wide geographical
-	distribution, being found wherever sought and deplored wherever found.
-	The maiden is not altogether unpleasing to the eye, nor (without her
-	piano and her views) insupportable to the ear, though in respect to
-	comeliness distinctly inferior to the rainbow, and, with regard to
-	the part of her that is audible, beaten out of the field by the
-	canary -- which, also, is more portable.
-		-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
-%
-Male, n.:
-	Life support system for a cock.
-%
-Man, n.:
-	An animal so lost in rapturous contemplation of what he thinks
-	he is as to overlook what he indubitably ought to be.  His chief
-	occupation is extermination of other animals and his own species,
-	which, however, multiplies with such insistent rapidity as to infest
-	the whole habitable earth and Canada.
-		-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
-%
-man-hour, n.:
-	A sexist, obsolete measure of macho effort, equal to 60 Kiplings.
-%
-manager, n.:
-	A man known for giving great meeting.
-%
-masturbation, n.:
-	A self-service elevator.
-%
-masturbation, n.:
-	Coming unscrewed.
-%
-menage a trois, n.:
-	Using both hands to masturbate.
-%
-Meteorologist, n.:
-	A man who can look in a woman's eyes and predict whether.
-%
-Miss, n.:
-	A title with which we brand unmarried women to indicate that
-	they are in the market.
-		-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
-%
-Missionary Position:
-	The missionary on top.
-%
-Mistress, n.:
-	Something between a mister and a mattress.
-%
-Mom's Law:
-	When they finally do have to take you to the hospital, your underwear
-	won't be clean or new.
-%
-Monday, n.:
-	In Christian countries, the day after the baseball game.
-		-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
-%
-monotony, n.:
-	Marriage to one woman at a time.
-%
-Montana:
-	A grizzly bear praying for the early arrival of cable television.
-%
-Montana:
-	Where forty-three below keeps out the riff-raff.
-%
-Montana:
-	Where men are men and women are sheep.
-%
-mosquito, n.:
-	The state bird of New Jersey.
-%
-mother:
-	Half a word.
-%
-Motto of the Electrical Engineer:
-	Working computer hardware is a lot like an erect penis:
-	it stays up as long as you don't fuck with it.
-%
-Murphy's Discovery:
-	Do you know Presidents talk to the country the way men talk to women?
-	They say, "Trust me, go all the way with me, and everything will be
-	all right."  And what happens?  Nine months later, you're in trouble!
-%
-Murray's Rule:
-	Any country with "democratic" in the title isn't.
-%
-mythology, n.:
-	The body of a primitive people's beliefs, concerning its origin,
-	early history, heroes, deities and so forth, as distinguished
-	from the true accounts which it invents later.
-		-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
-%
-Naeser's Law:
-	You can make it foolproof, but you can't make it damnfoolproof.
-%
-navel, n.:
-	A place to stash your gum on the way down.
-%
-necrophelia, n.:
-	Dead boring.
-
-incest, n.:
-	Relatively boring.
-%
-necrophilia, n.:
-	Dropping in for a cold one.
-%
-New release:
-	Abortions are becoming so popular in some countries that the waiting
-	time to get one is lengthening rapidly. Experts predict that at this
-	rate there will soon be an up to a one year wait.
-%
-New York:
-	Where men are men, sheep enjoy it, and lepers laugh their heads off.
-%
-Noncombatant, n.:
-	A dead Quaker.
-		-- Ambrose Bierce
-%
-nothing, adj.:
-	A man with an erection who walks into a wall and breaks his nose.
-%
-O'Riordan's Theorem:
-	Brains x Beauty = Constant.
-
-Purmal's Corollary:
-	As the limit of (Brains x Beauty) goes to infinity,
-	availability goes to zero.
-%
-Occident, n.:
-	The part of the world lying west (or east) of the Orient.  It
-	is largely inhabited by Christians, powerful sub-tribe of the
-	Hypocrites, whose principal industries are murder and cheating, which
-	they are pleased to call "war" and "commerce."  These, also, are the
-	principal industries of the Orient.
-	-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
-%
-Ocean, n.:
-	A body of water occupying about two-thirds of a world made for
-	man -- who has no gills.
-%
-On Brassieres:
-        Russian:        Uplifts the masses.
-        Salvation Army: Raises the fallen.
-        American:       Makes mountains out of molehills.
-%
-optimist, n.:
-	A man who makes a motel reservation before a blind date.
-%
-optimist, n.:
-	Someone who goes down to the marriage
-	bureau to see if his license has expired.
-%
-oral contraceptive, n.:
-	The word "No".
-%
-oral sex, n.:
-	The taste of things to come.
-%
-Oregon, n.:
-	Eighty billion gallons of water with no place to go on Saturday night.
-%
-Overheard:
-	"How do I feel?  Great!  And I kiss pretty good, too!"
-%
-pain, n.:
-	Falling out of a twenty story building,
-	and snagging your eyelid on a nail.
-%
-pain, n.:
-	Sliding down a 50-foot razor blade into a bucket of alcohol.
-%
-Parker's Law:
-	Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes clean to the bone.
-%
-Password:
-%
-Peeping Tom:
-	A window fan.
-%
-penis envy, n.:
-	The desire to be pink and wrinkled and about four inches long.
-%
-perfect woman, n.:
-	Four feet tall, no teeth and a flat head so you can rest
-	your drink.
-
-	[Pistol-grip ears?  Ed.]
-%
-philadelphia flying fuck, n.:
-	Okay, see, he hangs from a chin-up bar with his feet on the arms
-	of the rocking chair.  She crouches in the rocking chair pleasuring
-	him orally.
-
-	[Note: Personally, we've never tried this.  If you have, or if
-	you do, please inform us of the results at Fortune, Box 1597,
-	Rockville IL.  Thank you.  Ed.]
-%
-Pig, n.:
-	An animal (Porcus omnivorous) closely allied to the human race
-	by the splendor and vivacity of its appetite, which, however, is
-	inferior in scope, for it balks at pig.
-		-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
-%
-pile driver, n.:
-	Local drink; two parts vodka, one part prune juice.
-%
-Planned Parenthood:
-	The emission Control Center.
-%
-platonic friendship, n.:
-	What develops when two people get tired of making love to each other.
-%
-pocket pool, n.:
-	Well, for guys, it's two-ball in the side pocket.
-	For women, it's playing the slots.
-%
-polish fly, n.:
-	You put it in her drink and she begs you to take her bowling.
-%
-Politician, n.:
-	An eel in the fundamental mud upon which the superstructure of
-	organized society is reared.  When he wriggles, he mistakes the
-	agitation of his tail for the trembling of the edifice.  As compared
-	with the statesman, he suffers the disadvantage of being alive.
-		-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
-%
-Politician, n.:
-	From the Greek "poly" ("many") and the French "tete" ("head" or
-	"face," as in "tete-a-tete:" head to head or face to face).  Hence
-	"polytetien," a person of two or more faces.
-		-- Martin Pitt
-%
-Pompoir:  
-
-The most sought-after feminine sexual response of all.  
-
-'She must... close and constrict the Yoni until it holds the Lingam as with
-a finger, opening and shutting at her pleasure, and finally acting as the
-hand of the Gopala-girl who milks the cow.  This can be learned only by long
-practice, and especially by throwing the will into the part affected, even
-as men endeavor to sharpen their hearing...  Her husband will then value her
-above all other women, nor would he exchange her for the most beautiful
-queen in the Three Worlds...  Among some races the constrictor vaginae muscles
-are abnormally developed.  In Abyssinia for instance, a woman can so exert
-them as to cause pain to a man, and when sitting on his thighs, she can
-induce orgasm without moving any other part of her person.  Such an artist
-is called by the Arabs Kabbazah, literally, a holder, and it's not surprising
-that slave dealers pay large sums for her'  Thus Richard Burton.  It has
-nothing to do with 'race' but a lot to do with practice.  See exercises.
-		-- The Joy of Sex
-%
-pray, n:
-	To ask that the laws of the universe be annulled on behalf
-	of a single petitioner confessedly unworthy.
-		-- Ambrose Bierce
-%
-premature ejaculation, n.:
-	A spoilspurt.
-%
-premature ejaculator, n.:
-	Troubled shooter.
-%
-Premenstrual Syndrome:
-	Just before their periods women behave the way men do all the time.
-%
-promotion from within:
-	A system of moving incompetents up to the policy-making
-	level where they can't foul up operations.
-%
-promotion, n.:
-	New title, new salary, new office, same old crap.
-%
-psychologist, n.:
-	Someone who watches everyone else when an attractive woman walks
-	into a room.
-%
-pubic hair, n.:
-	Organic dental floss.
-%
-Puritanism:
-	the haunting fear that someone, somewhere, may be happy.
-		-- H.L. Mencken, "A Book of Burlesques"
-%
-QOTD:
-	"... was it a dream where you see yourself standing in sort-of
-	Sun-God robes, on a pyramid, with a thousand naked women screaming
-	and throwing little pickles at you?  ...  Why am I the only one
-	who has that dream?"
-%
-QOTD:
-	"Are you into casual sex, or should I dress up?"
-%
-QOTD:
-	"He's a perfectionist.  If he married Raquel Welch, he'd expect
-	her to cook."
-%
-QOTD:
-	"He's so egotistical he yells his own name when he comes."
-%
-QOTD:
-	"He's such a hick he doesn't even have a trapeze in his bedroom."
-%
-QOTD:
-	"Her other car is a broom."
-%
-QOTD:
-	"I don't give a flying fuck at a rolling doughnut."
-%
-QOTD:
-	"I say, and without apology, hang the bitch."
-%
-QOTD:
-	"I treat her like a throughbred, and she's STILL a nag!"
-%
-QOTD:
-	"I used to beat off so much in the shower, I'd get a hard on every
-	time it rained."
-%
-QOTD:
-	"I want a home, a family, an occasional spanking ..."
-		-- Kathy Ireland
-%
-QOTD:
-	"I was a fifty-four-year-old virgin, but I'm all right now."
-%
-QOTD:
-	"I'd crawl a mile over burning desert sand just to kiss the dick of
-	the guy who screwed her last."
-%
-QOTD:
-	"I'd drag my dick a mile over broken glass just to masturbate in
-	her shadow!"
-%
-QOTD:
-	"It's been so long since I've had sex, I've forgotten
-	who gets tied up."
-%
-QOTD:
-	"It's men like him that give the Y chromosome a bad name."
-%
-QOTD:
-	"Let go of my ears, I know what I'm doing!"
-%
-QOTD:
-	"Let's do it."
-		-- Gary Gilmore
-%
-QOTD:
-	"My ambition is to marry a rich woman who's too proud to let
-	her husband work."
-%
-QOTD:
-	"One day, I'd like to wake up in the morning to find that every gay
-	and lesbian has lavender skin.  On that morning, I will be -- mauve."
-%
-QOTD:
-	"She was so tough she rolled her own tampons."
-%
-QOTD:
-	"The difference between dark and hard is... it stays dark
-	all night."
-%
-QOTD:
-	"The marines and I have something in common; we're both looking for
-	a few good men!"
-%
-QOTD:
-	"The only real difference between men and women is that men are
-	crabby all month long."
-%
-QOTD:
-	"To hell with patience, I'm gonna kill me something!"
-%
-QOTD:
-	"Well, let's say she's friendly.  Last year she was the Herpes
-	Poster Girl."
-%
-QOTD:
-	"What would the world be like without men?  A lot of fat,
-	happy women."
-%
-QOTD:
-	"Whhoooooooeeeeeeeeeee, Elmer!  Take a look at that purty young lady
-	over thar!  Why, I'd walk a mile barefoot over barbed wire and broken
-	glass just to drive the truck that takes her panties to the cleaners!"
-%
-QOTD:
-	"Whip me, beat me, come all over me, tell me you love me.
-	Then get the fuck out."
-%
-QOTD:
-	"You might as well say "yes", the sheets are messy already."
-%
-QOTD:
-	I get girls because of who I am... a rapist.
-%
-QOTD:
-	I met her [his fiance] over lunch on Thursday.  She had a firm
-	grip.  He's a lucky man.
-%
-QOTD:
-	I own my own body, but I share.
-%
-QOTD:
-	I won't say he's unsavory, but for his birthday he bought himself
-	a pair of velcro gloves.
-%
-QOTD:
-	It *was* wonderfully polite of me.  Usually I call the kind of
-	cretinous dipshit that pisses me off a ``fucking asshole.''
-		-- Richard Sexton
-%
-QOTD:
-	Men come in four sizes -- small, medium, large, and "You're
-	going to put that thing *where*?"
-%
-QOTD:
-	My penis is better than corn, because corn doesn't squeal when
-	you stick those little prongs into it.
-		-- Mark-Jason Dominus
-%
-QOTD:
-	No, honey, I've never been circumcised; it's simply wear and tear.
-%
-QOTD:
-	Sex is like everything else.  To get it done right, do it yourself.
-%
-QOTD:
-	Sex is the most fun you can have without laughing.
-%
-QOTD:
-	She began coming, making noises like a small animal in pain.
-	Ouch!  Ow!  My paw!  Ouch!!
-%
-quickie, n.:
-	A moment's piece.
-%
-quickie, n.:
-	No sooner spread than done.
-%
-Radicalism:
-	The conservatism of tomorrow injected into the affairs of today.
-		-- Ambrose Bierce
-%
-randel, n.:
-	A nonsensical poem recited by Irish schoolboys as an
-	apology for farting at a friend.
-		-- Mrs. Byrne's Dictionary of Unusual, Obscure &
-		   Preposterous Words
-%
-real buddy, n.:
-	Someone who'll go downtown and get two blowjobs, and come back
-	and give you one.
-%
-real class, adj.:
-	When you're by yourself, fart, and say "Excuse me."
-%
-Recursion n.:
-	See Recursion.
-		-- Random Shack Data Processing Dictionary
-%
-rejection, n.:
-	When you're masturbating and your hand falls asleep.
-%
-Robot, n.:
-	Someone who's been made by a scientist.
-%
-rodeo fuck, n.:
-	When you lean down and whisper in your lover's ear, "Honey, you're
-	the worst piece of ass I've ever had!".  And then try to stay on
-	for seven seconds...
-%
-rugby, n.:
-	A sport requiring leather balls.
-%
-rugby, n.:
-	Elegant violence.
-
-	(Rugby players eat their dead.)
-	(Blood makes the grass grow!)
-	(Support your local hooker!  Play rugby!)
-
-	[A "hooker" is part of the scrum.  Thought you'd want to know.  Ed.]
-%
-sadism, n.:
-	A sadist refusing to whip a masochist.
-%
-sadoequinecrophilia, n.:
-	Beating a dead horse.
-%
-San Diego:
-	Four million people, where you can't get a
-	good cheeseburger, no matter how hard you try.
-%
-San Francisco, n.:
-	Marcel Proust editing an issue of Penthouse.
-%
-San Francisco:
-	A nice place to visit, but I wouldn't want to tie my shoelaces there.
-%
-schnuffel, n.:
-	A dog's practice of continuously nuzzling in your crotch in mixed
-	company.
-		-- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
-%
-Schwiggle, n.:
-	The amusing rotation of one's bottom while sharpening a pencil.
-		-- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
-%
-seminars, n.:
-	From 'semi' and 'arse', hence, any half-assed discussion.
-%
-Sex:
-	the thing that takes up the least amount of time and causes the
-	most amount of trouble.
-		-- John Barrymore
-%
-Showerbath: 
-Natural venue for sexual adventures -- wash together, make love
-together: only convenient overhead point in most apartments or hotel rooms
-to attach a partner's hands.  Don't pull down the fixture, however -- it
-isn't weightbearing.  See Discipline.
-		-- The Joy of Sex
-%
-small, adj.:
-	Is it in yet?
-%
-socialism:
-	You have two cows.  Give one to your neighbour.
-communism:
-	You have two cows.
-	Give both to the government.  The government gives you milk.
-capitalism:
-	You have two cows. You sell one cow and buy a bull.
-fascism:
-	You have two cows.  Give milk to the government.
-	The government sells it.
-nazism:
-	You have two cows.  The government shoots you and takes the cows.
-New Dealism:
-	You have two cows.  The government shoots one cow,
-	milks the other, and pours the milk down the sink.
-anarchism:
-	You have two coes.  Keep them.  Steal another.  Shoot the government.
-conservatism:
-	You have two cows.  Freeze the milk.  Embalm the cows.
-%
-spinster, n.:
-	A bachelor's wife.
-%
-spinster, n.:
-	Unlusted number.
-%
-Stockmayer's Theorem:
-	If it looks easy, it's tough.
-	If it looks tough, it's damn well impossible.
-%
-strapless evening gown, n.:
-	Bust truster.
-%
-stress, n.:
-	The confusion created when one's mind overrides the body's
-	desire to choke the living shit out of some asshole who
-	desperately needs it.
-%
-subpoena, n:
-	From the root "sub", below, and the Latin "poena" for male organ
-	or penis.  Therefore, "below the penis" or "by the balls."
-%
-successful cunnilingus:
-	When you wake up the next morning with a face like a frosted doughnut.
-%
-Sudden Death Dating:
-
-Quote, female:
-	Am I worried about taking his last name?  Forget it,
-	at this point I'll take his first name, too.
-%
-swallow, v.:
-	The (blew) bird of birth control.
-%
-T-shirt of the Day:
-	Head for the Mountains
-		-- courtesy Anheuser-Busch beer
-
-Followup T-shirt of the Day (on the same scenic background):
-	If you liked the mountains, head for the Busch!
-		-- courtesy someone else
-%
-T-shirt of the Day:
-	See Dick Drink...
-	See Dick Drive...
-	See Dick Die.
-	DON'T BE A DICK.
-%
-T-shirt of the Week:
-	I'm not excited, I'm cold!
-%
-tacky, adj.:
-	Serving grape kool-aid at religious functions.
-%
-tear leather:
-	To become excited, as in the sentence "Robin Hood tore
-	his leather jerkin' off."
-%
-tearing off a quicky:
-	Gunning the jump.
-%
-Texan:
-	A wet-back that didn't make Oklahoma.
-%
-The 357.73 Theory:
-	Auditors always reject expense accounts
-	with a bottom line divisible by 5.
-%
-The First Commandment for Technicians:
-	Beware the lightning that lurketh in the undischarged capacitor, lest
-	it cause thee to bounce upon thy buttocks in a most untechnician-like
-	manner.
-%
-The New Right:
-	A javelin team that elects to receive.
-%
-THE THREE MOST COMMONLY-ASKED QUESTIONS AT DISNEYLAND:
-	(1) Where's the bathroom?
-	(2) What time does the parade start?
-	(3) Do you sell anything without that damn mouse on it?
-%
-The three rules of international air travel:
-	(1) Never fly on Aeroflot if you can possibly avoid it (this used
-	    to be Braniff or Aeroflot).
-	(2) Never bet a whole lot of money on two little pairs unless you
-	    know *exactly* what you're doing.
-	(3) Never sleep with anyone whose troubles are worse than your own.
-%
-The United States Army:
-        194 years of proud service, unhampered by progress.
-%
-There's more than one way to skin a cat:
-	Way number 15 -- Krazy Glue and a toothbrush.
-%
-There's more than one way to skin a cat:
-	Way number 27 -- Use an electric sander.
-%
-There's more than one way to skin a cat:
-	Way number 32 -- Wrap it around a lonely frat man's pecker.
-%
-thorny:
-	A thailor at thea.
-%
-Thought:
-	Girls get minks the same way minks get minks!
-%
-three-bag ugly, adj:
-	That's when you put one bag over her head, one bag over your
-	head in case her's falls off, and one over the dog's to keep
-	it from howling.
-
-four-bag ugly, adj:
-	When you leave a bag by the door in case someone drops by.
-%
-Today's title:
-	Creative Violence in Sexual Relationships
-%
-tourist, n.:
-	A pretty girl in Oklahoma.
-%
-transvestite, n.:
-	Someone who likes to eat, drink, and be Mary.
-%
-transvestite, n.:
-	Someone who spends his junior year at college abroad.
-%
-"Trust me":
-	Get me, give me, buy me, do me.
-%
-"Trust me":
-	Los Angeles for "Fuck you, your mother, and the horse
-	she rode in on."
-%
-trust, n.:
-	Two cannibals having oral sex.
-%
-Unix, n.:
-	A computer operating system, once thought to be flabby and
-	impotent, that now shows a surprising interest in making off
-	with the workstation harem.
-%
-vagina, n.:
-	The box a penis comes in.
-%
-vaginal lubricant, n.:
-	A slitty slicker.
-%
-VD, n.:
-	The gift that keeps on giving.
-%
-Viennese Oyster: 
-Lady who can cross her feet behind her head, lying on her back, of course.
-When she has done so, you hold her tightly round each instep
-with your full hand and squeeze, lying on her full-length.  Don't try to put
-an unsupple partner into this position --  it can't be achieved by brute force.
-You can get a very similar sensation -- unique rocking pelvic movement -- with
-less expertise if she crosses her ankles on her tummy, knees to shoulders, and
-you lie on her crossed ankles with your full weight.  Why "Viennese" we don't
-know.  Tolerable for short periods only but gives tremendous genital pressure
-for both.
-		-- The Joy of Sex
-%
-Virgin, n.:
-	An ugly third grader.
-%
-Virginia:
-	A group of beautifully mounted hunters galloping behind
-	baying hounds in pursuit of a union organizer.
-%
-WASP, n.:
-	Someone who gets out of the shower to take a piss.
-%
-Watership Down:
-	You've read the book.  You've seen the movie.  Now eat the stew!
-%
-wet dream, n.:
-	Overnight sensation.
-%
-Wethern's Law:
-	Assumption is the mother of all screw-ups.
-%
-Why You Can't Run When There's Trouble in the Office:
-	No matter where you stand, no matter how far or fast you flee,
-	when it hits the fan, as much as possible will be propelled in your
-	direction, and almost none will be returned to the source.
-		-- John L.  Shelton
-%
-Woman is: 
-	finally screwing and your groin and buttocks and thighs ache like hell
-	and you're all wet and maybe bloody and it wasn't like a Hollywood
-	movie at all but Jesus at least you're not a virgin any more but is
-	this what it's all about?  And meanwhile, he's asking "Did you come?"
-		-- Robin Morgan, "Sisterhood Is Powerful"
-%
-woman, n.:
-	An animal usually living in the vicinity of Man, and
-	having a rudimentary susceptibility to domestication.
-		-- Bierce
-%
-Zisla's Law:
-	If you're asked to join a parade, don't march behind the elephants.
-%