fortune-teller 0.1.2 → 0.3.0

package/fortunes/off/unrotated/vulgarity

@@ -1,1089 +0,0 @@
-(10) Not everybody looks good naked.
- (9) Joe Garagiola was a hell of an emcee.
- (8) Joe Cocker really should stick with decaffeinated coffee.
- (7) Fringe!  Fringe!  Fringe!
- (6) If you've got 72 hours to kill, you can probably find room for Sha Na Na.
- (5) Never attend an event with a 50,000 to 1 person to Port-A-San ratio.
- (4) Bellbottoms will never go out of style.
- (3) A drum solo cannot be too long.
- (2) I, David Letterman, will never rent out my farm again.
- (1) We are stardust.  We are golden.  We are going to look really stupid to
-	future generations.
-		-- David Letterman, Top Ten Lessons of Woodstock
-%
-A bar patron returned from the men's room grumbling to himself.
-	"What's the trouble, buddy?" the bartender inquired.
-	"You got John Wayne toilet paper in there!"
-	"What do you mean?" the barkeeper asked.
-	"It's rough, it's tough, and it doesn't take shit from nobody."
-%
-A bear and a rabbit are taking a crap in the woods.  The bear looks
-over at the rabbit and asks, "Say, does shit ever stick to your fur?"
-	"No."
-So the bear wiped his ass with the rabbit.
-%
-A grade school teacher, who was doing a unit on World War II heard that
-the father of one of her students had been a fighter pilot during the war
-with one of the Scandinavian Air Forces.  She invited him to come in and
-speak to the class.  The guy was more than happy to talk, and began with
-a story about a morning patrol where he had been nearly shot down.
-	"We had been up for about 20 minutes flying over enemy held
-territory, when we noticed, just in time, 3 fokkers diving on us from above."
-At the first mention of `fokkers' the class giggled a little bit.
-	"Our group broke formation, and began the dog-fighting.  As we
-fought, we noticed 2 more fokkers coming at us from above and 2 more
-fokkers, fresh from the landing field, come to join the battle".
-At this second and third mention of `fokkers' the class was almost laughing
-openly, and the teacher interrupted the story to ask the pilot to explain
-to the class that a 'fokker' was a particular type of plane flown by the
-German Air Force.
-	He replied, "Ya, dat is true, but these fokkers were Messerschmidts".
-%
-	A man came home from work and as he entered the house he yelled,
-"Hi, honey, I'm home."
-	There was no response.  He walked through the house and saw a note
-on the refrigerator. It read "I'm out with the girls and I'll be home about
-8.  Either fix yourself something to eat, or wait for me and we'll eat when
-I get home."
-	Well, he decided to wait until his wife returned.  However, his
-stomach started to growl and he remembered that he had an apple left over
-from his lunch.  He got the apple, polished it a little, and heard the
-doorbell ring.  He went to the door and there stood a little blond haired
-girl holding out a little paper bag.  "Trick or treat", she said.
-	He looked at the girl, looked at the apple, thought how hungry he
-was, looked at the girl again, and with a slight sigh dropped his apple in
-the bag.  The little girl looked down in the bag, looked up again, and
-complained, "You stupid son-of-a-bitch.  You broke my cookies!"
-%
-A nuclear family is out golfing one day, when it becomes clear that Dad isn't
-going to win any trophies, at least on this course.  On the 3rd hole, after
-two miserable bogies, he misses a two foot putt and exclaims, "Shit!"
-	His wife glances over at their sixteen year old daughter and says
-nothing.
-	On the fourth hole Dad tees off with an incredible hook, and, after
-the inevitable exclamation, his wife reproves him with "Honey!"
-	This continues on, with his golfing getting worse and his wife getting
-more and more upset about his language.  Finally, on the 17th hole, he again
-misses a very easy putt.  Flinging his club down, he curses the hole, the
-club, and the sunset, using the word "fuck" for the first time.  His wife
-whirls around and cries, "Honey!  Our daughter is standing right next to you!"
-	Feeling remorseful, but somewhat defensive, he turns to the
-daughter and says, "Well, Cindy, you've heard that word before, haven't
-you?"
-	"Yes," the daughter replies, "but never in anger."
-%
-A retired schoolteacher finally decided that she was tired of living alone
-and wanted some companionship, so after a good deal of thought she decided
-to visit the local pet shop.  The owner suggested a parrot, with which she
-could conduct a civilized conversation.  This seemed to be an excellent
-idea, so she bought a handsome parrot, sat him on a perch in her living room,
-and said, "Say 'Pretty boy.'"  Silence from the bird.  "Come on now, say
-'Pretty boy ... pretty boy.'"
-	At long last, disgustedly, the bird said, "Oh, shit."
-	Shocked, the schoolteacher said, "Just for that, you get five minutes
-in the refrigerator."  Five minutes later she put the shivering bird back on
-its perch and said, "Now let's hear it: 'Pretty boy ... pretty boy.'"
-	"Damn it, wouldja lay off, lady?" said the parrot.
-	Outraged, the woman grabbed the bird, said, "That's it!  Ten minutes
-in the freezer," and slammed the door on him.
-	Hopping about to keep warm, what does the parrot come across but a
-big frozen turkey waiting for Thanksgiving.  Startled, he squawks, "My God,
-you must have told the bitch to go fuck herself!"
-%
-A vacuum is a hell of a lot better than some of the stuff that nature
-replaces it with.
-		-- Tennessee Williams
-%
-A young New York housewife was shocked by some of the language used by her
-daughter.  When asked about it, the daughter said she had learned it from
-a small girl she played with in the park.  The next day, the mother sought
-out the little girl as she played in the park.  "Are you the little girl
-who uses bad words?"
-	"Who told you?"
-	"A little bird," answered the mother.
-	"Well, I like that!" exclaimed the small girl.  "And I've been
-feeding the little bastards, too!"
-%
-After making a daring escape from the penitentiary, the convict eluded
-bloodhounds and police roadblocks and dodged helicopter searchlights on
-his way to see his wife.  Finally sneaking in the back entrance, he knocked
-on the door and smiled triumphantly as she opened it.  "Where the hell have
-you been?" she blared.  "You busted out more than six hours ago!"
-%
-As near as I can tell, you're not any crazier than the average asshole
-on the street.
-		-- R.P. McMurphy, "One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest"
-%
-As they say about Dungeons and Dragons, "Life's a die, and then you bitch."
-%
-Ask your boss to reconsider --
-
-It's so difficult to take "Go to hell" for an answer.
-%
-	At his sentencing, Herbie Sperling proved that he was the all-time
-stand-up guy.
-	Sperling's lawyer made a lengthy, impassioned plea for his client.
-He talked of mercy, justice, humanity to fellow men who have chosen the wrong
-path.  Yes, the crimes were serious, yes, Mr. Sperling deserves a prison
-sentence, but the maximum sentence was not warranted.
-	Then the judge turned to Sperling.  "Mr. Sperling, is there anything
-you wish to say?"
-	"Yes, Your Honor.  If you think I'm going to beg for mercy, you've
-got another think coming.  You're all a bunch of fucking fascist cocksuckers,
-you can all go to hell, fuck you, fuck you, fuck you..."
-		-- Gregory Wallace, "Papa's Game"
-%
-Been through hell?
-
-What did you bring back for me?
-%
-Better a sister in a whorehouse than a brother on a Honda.
-%
-Blow it out your ass!
-%
-Call things by their right names...  Glass of brandy and water!  That is the
-current but not the appropriate name: ask for a glass of fire and distilled
-damnation.
-		-- Robert Hall, in Olinthus Gregory's, "Brief Memoir of the
-		   Life of Hall"
-
-	[Quoted in "VMS Internals and Data Structures", V4.4, when
-	 referring to logical names.]
-%
-Churchill was known to drain a glass or two and, after one
-particularly convivial evening, he chanced to encounter Miss Bessie Braddock,
-a Socialist member of the House of Commons, who, upon seeing his condition,
-said, "Winston, you're drunk."  Mustering all his dignity, Churchill drew
-himself up to his full height, cocked an eyebrow and rejoined, "Shove it up
-your ass, you ugly cunt."
-	When the noted playwright George Bernard Shaw sent him two tickets to
-the opening night of his new play with a note that read: "Bring a friend, if
-you have one," Churchill, not to be outdone, promptly wired back: "You and
-your play can go fuck yourselves."
-	At an elegant dinner party, Lady Astor once leaned across the table
-to remark, "If you were my husband, Winston, I'd poison your coffee."  "And
-if you were my wife, I'd beat the shit out of you," came Churchill's
-unhesitating retort.
-		-- "The Churchill Wit", National Lampoon
-%
-Confucius say too damn much!
-%
-"Daddy?"
-
-"Yes son."
-
-"Wha-wha-wha-what does regret mean?"
-
-"Well, son, a funny thing about regret is that it's better to regret
-something you have done, than to regret something you haven't done.  And
-by the way, if you see your Mom this weekend, would be you sure and tell
-her, `SATAN, SATAN, SATAN!!!'"
-		-- Butthole Surfers, "Sweat Loaf"
-%
-"Dammit, man, that's unprofessional!  A good bartender laughs anyway!"
-%
-Damn braces.
-		-- William Blake, "Proverbs of Hell"
-%
-DAMN IT, I GOTTA GET OUTTA HERE!
-%
-Damn, I need a Coke!
-		-- Dr. William DeVries
-		[after implanting the first artificial human heart]
-%
-"Don't come back until you have him", the Tick-Tock Man said quietly,
-sincerely, extremely dangerously.
-
-They used dogs.  They used probes.  They used cardio plate crossoffs.
-They used teepers.  They used bribery.  They used stick tites.  They used
-intimidation.  They used torment.  They used torture.  They used finks.
-They used cops.  They used search and seizure.  They used fallaron.  They
-used betterment incentives.  They used finger prints.  They used the
-bertillion system.  They used cunning.  They used guile.  They used treachery.
-They used Raoul-Mitgong but he wasn't much help.  They used applied physics.
-They used techniques of criminology.  And what the hell, they caught him.
-		-- Harlan Ellison, "Repent, Harlequin, said the Tick-Tock Man"
-%
-Don't just eat a hamburger; eat the HELL out of it.
-		-- J.R. "Bob" Dobbs
-%
-DROP THE DAMN BEAR!!!
-		-- The Adventurer
-%
-During the darkest days of World War II, when each night brought waves of
-Luftwaffe bombers raining death and destruction on a near-defenseless London,
-Prime Minister Churchill went on the air to address the British people.  "I
-read this morning's paper that Herr Hitler plans to wring England's neck like
-that of a chicken," he began, "and I was reminded of what the Irish poacher
-said as he stood on the gallows.  It seems the poor fellow was approached by a
-well-meaning if somewhat overzealous priest who, in horrific detail, described
-the unfading torments of Hades which awaited him if he did not repent of his
-misdeeds. The condemned man listened patiently to all that the priest had to
-say, and when he was done, grinned broadly and replied, 'Eat it raw, fuzz
-nuts.'"
-		-- "The Churchill Wit", National Lampoon
-%
-Early to bed and early to rise makes a man a helluva big nuisance.
-%
-Eat shit and die a virgin!
-%
-Egotism is the anesthetic given by a kindly nature to relieve the pain
-of being a damned fool.
-		-- Bellamy Brooks
-%
-Every morning, the crowd on Coney Island beach was startled to see 
-a jogger with the build of a pro football player but a head the size of a 
-baseball.  Finally, some brave young man got up the nerve to stop him and
-ask, "What happened to give you such a small head?"
-	The jogger sadly told the story of finding a magic lamp on the beach, 
-which produced a beautiful genie when rubbed.  The genie said, "I now give
-you one wish.  Do you want a quick fuck or a little head?"
-%
-Fie for shame, you lascivious, lewd, lecherous, libidinous, lustful,
-licentious, dirty bum!!
-%
-Fig Newton.
-%
-Folks, what can I tell you about my next guest.  This cat allowed himself
-to be adored, but not loved. And his success in show business was matched
-by failure in his personal relationship bag, now that's where he really
-bombed.  And he came to believe that work, show business, love, his whole
-life, even himself and all that jazz was bullshit.  He became numero uno
-gameplayer.  Uh, to the point where he didn't know where the games ended
-and the reality began.  Like to this cat, the only reality... is death, man.
-Ladies and gentlemen, let me lay on you, a so-so entertainer, not much of
-a humanitarian, and this cat was never nobody's friend.  In his final
-appearance on the great stage of life, uh, you can applaud if you want to,
-Mr. Joe Gideon!!
-		-- All That Jazz
-%
-Fuck art; let's dance!
-%
-Fuck off and die!
-%
-Fuck you and anybody who looks like you.
-%
-Fuck'em if they can't take a joke!
-%
-GET OFF THE FUCKING SYSTEM THIS INSTANT, YOU ASSHOLE!!!!
-%
-Get your bytes from our backend!
-		-- Britton Lee
-%
-Getting an education at the University of California is like having
-$50.00 shoved up your ass, a nickel at a time.
-%
-Give me the Luxuries, and the Hell with the Necessities!
-%
-Grain grows best in shit.
-		-- Ursula K. LeGuin
-%
-Gravity is a myth, the Earth sucks.
-%
-Gravity is an unforgiving motherfucker.
-%
-Hardly a pure science, history is closer to animal husbandry than it is to
-mathematics, in that it involves selective breeding.  The principal difference
-between the husbandryman and the historian is that the former breeds sheep
-or cows or such, and the latter breeds (assumed) facts.  The husbandryman uses
-his skills to enrich the future; the historian uses his to enrich the past.
-Both are usually up to their ankles in bullshit.
-		-- Tom Robbins
-%
-Have you ever met a man of good character where women are concerned?
-
-Well, I haven't.  I find that whenever a woman becomes friends with me,
-she becomes jealous, exacting, suspicious, and a damn nuisance; and
-whenever I become friends with a woman, I become selfish and tyrannical.
-So here I am, Pickering, a confirmed old bachelor and very likely to
-remain so.
-		-- Henry Higgins, "My Fair Lady"
-%
-Have you ever wondered what makes Californians so calm?  Besides drugs, I
-mean.  The answer is hot tubs.  A hot tub is a redwood container filled with
-water that you sit in naked with members of the opposite sex, none of whom
-is necessarily your spouse.  After a few hours in their hot tubs,
-Californians don't give a damn about earthquakes or mass murderers.  They
-don't give a damn about anything , which is why they are able to produce
-"Laverne and Shirley" week after week.
-		-- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw"
-%
-He who hesitates is a damned fool.
-		-- Mae West
-%
-He who trains his tongue to quote the learned  sages, will be known far
-and wide as a smart ass.
-		-- Howard Kandel
-%
-"He's not pining, he's passed on!  This parrot won't squawk!  He's
-ceased to be!  He's expired, and gone to meet his maker!  It's a
-stiff!  No breath of life, he may rest in peace!  If you hadn't nailed
-him to the perch, he'd be pushing up the daisies!  He's off the twig!
-He's kicked the bucket!  He's curled up his tooties!  He's shuffled off
-this mortal world!  He's run down the curtain, and joined the bleed'n
-Choir Invincible!  HE'S FUCKING SNUFFED IT!  Vis-a-vi his metabolic
-processes is head is lost.  All statements concerning this parrot is no
-longer a going concern, after from now on, Inoperative...
-
-		THIS IS AN EX-PARROT!!
-%
-Hell's broken loose.
-		-- Robert Greene
-%
-Hell, if you don't try to remake someone, how are they supposed to know
-you care?
-%
-Here is the problem: for many years, the Supreme Court wrestled with the issue
-of pornography, until finally Associate Justice John Paul Stevens came up with
-the famous quotation about how he couldn't define pornography, but he knew it
-when he saw it.  So for a while, the court's policy was to have all the
-suspected pornography trucked to Justice Stevens' house, where he would look it
-over.  "Nope, this isn't it," he'd say.  "Bring some more."  This went on until
-one morning when his housekeeper found him trapped in the recreation room under
-an enormous mound of rubberized implements, and the court had to issue a ruling
-stating that it didn't know what the hell pornography was except that it was
-illegal and everybody should stop badgering the court about it because the
-court was going to take a nap. 
-		-- Dave Barry, "Pornography"
-%
-Horsecrap, little brother.  There's always something more to be done.
-Another palm to be greased.  Another back to be scratched.  Another
-weak sister to be shored up.
-		-- J.R. Ewing
-%
-Howard Cosell's biggest protrusion is his asshole.
-		-- John Valby
-%
-I am fairly unrepentant about her poetry.  I really think that three quarters
-of it is gibberish.  However, I must crush down these thoughts otherwise the
-dove of peace will shit on me.
-		-- Noel Coward on Edith Sitwell
-%
-I came; I saw; I fucked up.
-%
-I can't quite put my finger on it, but something about you pisses me off.
-		-- Peter Knight
-%
-	I disapprove of the F-word, not because it's dirty, but because we
-use it as a substitute for thoughtful insults, and it frequently leads to
-violence.  What we ought to do, when we anger each other, say, in traffic,
-is exchange phone numbers, so that later on, when we've had time to think
-of witty and learned insults or look them up in the library, we could call
-each other up:
-     You: Hello?  Bob?
-     Bob: Yes?
-     You: This is Ed.  Remember?  The person whose parking space you
-          took last Thursday?  Outside of Sears?
-     Bob: Oh yes!  Sure!  How are you, Ed?
-     You: Fine, thanks.  Listen, Bob, the reason I'm calling is:
-	  "Madam, you may be drunk, but I am ugly, and ..."  No, wait.
-	  I mean:  "you may be ugly, but I am Winston Churchill
-	  and ..."  No, wait.  (Sound of reference book thudding onto
-	  the floor.)  S-word.  Excuse me.  Look, Bob, I'm going to
-	  have to get back to you.
-     Bob: Fine.
-		-- Dave Barry, "$#$%#^%!^%&@%@!"
-%
-I don't know why women get so upset, they have half the money and all the pussy.
-		-- Gary Bussy, "DC Cab"
-%
-I don't love you, asshole, I love your daughter.
-		-- The Undergraduate
-%
-"I had to censor everything my sons watched ... even on the Mary Tyler
-Moore show I heard the word 'damn'!"
-		-- Mary Lou Bax
-%
-I love this fucking University, and this University loves fucking me.
-%
-I played over the music of that scoundrel Brahms.  What a giftless
-bastard!  It annoys me that this self-inflated mediocrity is hailed
-as a genius.  Why, in comparison with him, Riff is a genius.
-		-- Tchaikovsky, October 9, 1886, diary entry
-%
-I think we can all agree that there is not enough common courtesy shown ...
-HEY!  PAY ATTENTION WHEN I'M TALKING TO YOU DAMMIT!  I said I think we can
-all agree that there is not enough common courtesy shown today. When we take
-the time to be courteous to each other, we find that we are happier and less
-likely to engage in nuclear war.  This point was driven home by the recent
-summit talks, where Nancy Reagan and Raisa Gorbachev, each of whose husband
-thinks the other's husband is vermin, were able to sit down at a high-level
-tea and engage in courteous conversation ...
-		-- Dave Barry, "The Stuff of Etiquette"
-%
-I wouldn't mind dying --
-
-it's that business of having to stay dead that scares the shit out of me.
-		-- R. Geis
-%
-I'd rather be led to hell than managed to heavan.
-%
-I'm sorry I'm late folks, I just got out of jail.  I tried to change my
-girlfriend's name.  Yeah, I went down to the hall of records.  I said, "I'd
-like to change it... I'd like to change it to... LYING LITTLE BITCH!"
-		-- Sam Kinison
-%
-I've been watching you closely to see if you have been good this year;
-and since you have, I will be telling my elves to make some goodies for me
-to leave under your tree on Christmas.  I was going to bring you all the
-gifts from the twelve days of Christmas, but we had a little problem up here.
-The twelve fiddlers fiddling have all come down with V.D. from fiddling with
-the ten ladies dancing, the eleven lords-a-leaping have knocked up the eight
-maids-a-milking, and the nine pipers piping have been arrested for doing
-weird things to the seven swans-a-swimming and the six geese-a-laying.  The
-four calling birds, three French hens, two turtle doves, and the partridge
-in the pear tree have me up to my ass in birdshit.  On top of all this, Mrs.
-Claus is going through menopause, eight of my reindeer are in heat, the elves
-have joined gay liberation, and those dumb ass Polacks have scheduled
-Christmas for the fifth of February.  I'll do what I can.
-		Sincerely,
-		Santa
-%
-If at first you don't succeed, try, try again.  Then quit.  No use being a
-damn fool about it.
-		-- W.C. Fields
-
-[Also attributed to Roy Mengot.  Ed.]
-%
-If it's not one thing, it's a mother.
-%
-If life's a piece of shit, Calculus III is the spoon.
-%
-If today is the first day of the rest of your life, what the hell was yesterday?
-%
-If you don't ride a camel to work, you ain't Sheeite.
-%
-	If you work for a man, in heaven's name, work for him.
-	If he pays you wages which supply you bread and butter, work for him;
-speak well of him; stand by him, and by the institution he represents.
-	If put to a pinch, an ounce of loyalty is worth a pound of cleverness.
-	If you must vilify, condemn and eternally find disparage -- resign your
-position, and when you are outside, damn to your heart's content... but, as
-long as you are part of the institution do not condemn it.
-	If you do that, you are loosening the tendrils that are holding you to
-the institution, and at the first high wind that comes along, you will
-be uprooted and blown away, and probably will never know the reason why.
-%
-If you're going to break up with your old lady and you live in a small
-town, make sure you don't break up at three in the morning.  Because you're
-screwed -- there's nothing to do ... So make it about nine in the morning,
-... bullshit around, worry her a little, then come back at seven in the
-night.
-		-- Lenny Bruce
-%
-In the beginning was the DEMO Project.  And the Project was without form.
-And darkness was upon the staff members thereof.  So they spake unto
-their Division Head, saying, "It is a crock of shit, and it stinks."
-
-And the Division Head spake unto his Department Head, saying,
-"It is a crock of excrement and none may abide the odor thereof."
-Now, the Department Head spake unto his Directorate Head, saying,
-"It is a container of excrement, and is very strong, such that none
-may abide before it."  And it came to pass that the Directorate Head
-spake unto the Assistant Technical Director, saying, "It is a vessel
-of fertilizer and none may abide by its strength."
-
-And the assistant Technical Director spake thus unto the Technical
-Director, saying, "It containeth that which aids growth and it is
-very strong."  And, Lo, the Technical Director spake then unto the
-Captain, saying, "The powerful new Project will help promote the
-growth of the Laboratories."
-
-And the Captain looked down upon the Project, and He saw that it was Good!
-%
-Inspite of all evidence to the contrary, the entire universe is composed of
-only two basic substances: magic and bullshit.
-%
-It is a sad commentary on today's society that this fortune has to be
-classified as "offensive" simply because it contains the word "fuck".
-%
-It may not be funny, but it's damned amusing!
-%
-It seems there were two young Marines walking down the street, and
-they chanced upon a lady who was both very proper and very well endowed.
-One of them said, "Wow! What tits!  Hey lady, would I love to snuggle up with
-them for awhile.  What are you doing this afternoon?"
-
-Well, the other Marine thought that was just about the most shameful
-thing he had ever witnessed, and felt that he had to restore the honor of the
-Corps.  "Pardon my friend, Ma'am," he apologized, "He's not been very well
-brought up and don't know how to talk to cunt."
-%
-It used to be a man's world, and the woman's place was in the home.
-They can kiss that shit goodbye.
-%
-It was almost closing time when a male patron who had been getting the
-frosty treatment from a girl at the end of the bar called to the
-bartender and said, "Give that bitchy douche bag over there one on me."
-	"We discourage that sort of language here, sir," the bartender
-answered sternly.
-	"OK, OK. Serve the lady a cocktail with my compliments."
-	The bartender approached the female in question.  "The, uh, gentleman
-at the other end of the bar would like to buy you a drink, miss.  What would
-you like?"
-	"Vinegar and water."
-%
-It's a bit hard to bullshit the ocean.  It's not listening, you know
-what I mean.
-		-- David Crosby
-%
-It's a bitch being butch.
-%
-It's a damn poor mind that can only think of one way to spell a word.
-		-- Andrew Jackson
-%
-It's better to be pissed off than pissed on.
-%
-It's so fuckin' great to be alive!
-%
-Life is a bitch, but the puppies can be cute.
-%
-Life is a shit sandwich, and every day you get to take another bite.
-It's just that some days are TWO BITE days ...
-%
-Life is having a mother-in-law that sucks and a wife that don't.
-		-- Rodney Dangerfield
-%
-Life is like a cucumber -- 
-
-one moment it's in your hand, the next it's up your ass.
-%
-Life is like a shit sandwich.
-
-The more bread you have, the less shit you have to eat.
-%
-Life is not a cabaret.
-It's a fucking circus.
-%
-Life isn't a bitch.  Life is a virgin.  A bitch is easy.
-%
-Look out for yourself -- or they'll pee on your grave.
-		-- Louis B. Mayer
-
-The reason so many people showed up at Louis B. Mayer's funeral was because
-they wanted to make sure he was dead.
-		-- Samuel Goldwyn
-%
-Love is a slippery eel that bites like hell.
-		-- Matt Groening
-%
-Many a man has decided to stay alive not because of the will to live, but
-because of the determination not to give assorted surviving bastards the
-satisfaction of his death.
-		-- Brendan Francis
-%
-	McQuillan was on the stand. The case involved a railroad and several of
-the passengers who were injured.
-	"You say," thundered the counsel for the railroad, "that you saw
-the two trains crash head on while doing sixty miles an hour.  What did you
-think when you saw this happen ?"
-	I thought," replied the Irishman, "this is one *helluva* way to run
-a railroad."
-%
-Me, I love the rich.  *Somebody* has to love them.  Sure, a lot of rich
-people are assholes, but believe me, a lot of poor people are assholes too.
-And an asshole with money can at least pay for his own drinks.
-		-- Tom Robbins, "Jitterbug Perfume"
-%
-Megaton Man:	"LOOK at them!  Helpless, tender creatures, relying on
-		ME, waiting for ME to make my move!"
-
-(from below):	"Move your ASS, Fat-head!"
-
-Megaton Man:	"It is a MANDATE, and I am DUTY BOUND to OBEY!"
-%
-Moody bitch in search of...
-	kind, considerate, loving man.  Objective, love-hate relationship.
-%
-Moody bitch with attitude, seeks nice, good-looking guy to dump on.
-%
-Most people wouldn't know music if it came up and bit them on the ass.
-		-- Frank Zappa
-%
-My advice to the women's clubs of America is to raise more hell and fewer
-dahlias.
-		-- William Allen White
-%
-My brother-in-law has found a way to make ends meet.  He goes around
-with his head stuck up his ass.
-%
-Never fly under a seagull - they'll shit on your airplane.
-		-- Gordon Cooper
-%
-	"Never send a MAN to do a WOMAN'S work!  Why do you think I CAME here?"
-	"Not for the good of my ego, that was for damn sure."
-%
-No matter how clever the hardware boys are, the software boys piss it away.
-%
-Non Illegitimus Carborundum.
-	[Don't let the bastards wear you down.]
-%
-Obscene?  Obscene is young men being trained to drop fire on people, but
-their commanders not allowing them to write "fuck" on their airplanes
-because it's obscene.
-%
-Obscenity is the crutch of inarticulate motherfuckers.
-%
-Old mercenaries never die.  They go to hell and regroup.
-%
-	On the day of his anniversary, Joe was frantically shopping
-around for a present for his wife.  He knew what she wanted, a
-grandfather clock for the living room, but he found the right one almost
-impossible to find.  Finally, after many hours of searching, Joe found
-just the clock he wanted, but the store didn't deliver.  Joe, desperate,
-paid the shopkeeper, hoisted the clock onto his back, and staggered out
-onto the sidewalk.  On the way home, he passed a bar. Just as he reached
-the door, a drunk stumbled out and crashed into Joe, sending himself,
-Joe, and the clock into the gutter.  Murphy's law being in effect, the
-clock ended up in roughly a thousand pieces.
-	"You stupid drunk!" screamed Joe, jumping up from the wreckage.
-"Why don't you look where the hell you're going!"
-	With quiet dignity the drunk stood up somewhat unsteadily and
-dusted himself off.  "And why don't you just wear a wristwatch like a
-normal person?"
-%
-Once upon a time, there was a non-conforming sparrow who decided not to
-fly south for the winter.  However, soon after the weather turned cold,
-the sparrow changed his mind and reluctantly started to fly south.
-After a short time, ice began to form his on his wings and he fell to
-earth in a barnyard almost frozen.  A cow passed by and crapped on this
-little bird and the sparrow thought it was the end, but the manure
-warmed him and defrosted his wings.  Warm and happy the little sparrow
-began to sing.  Just then, a large Tom cat came by and hearing the
-chirping investigated the sounds.  As Old Tom cleared away the manure,
-he found the chirping bird and promptly ate him.
-
-There are three morals to this story:
-
-(1) Everyone who shits on you is not necessarily your enemy.
-(2) Everyone who gets you out of shit is not necessarily your friend.
-(3) If you are warm and happy in a pile of shit, keep your mouth shut.
-%
-One day a little polar bear cub says to his mother, "Mommy, am I really
-a polar bear?"
-	"Why of course you are, honey!" his mother replies.  "You live at
-the North Pole and you swim under the ice to catch fish.  You play on the
-ice floes and you romp through the snow and chase seals.  Of *course* you're
-a polar bear.  Why do you ask?"
-	"Because," says the little cub, "I'm fuckin' freezing!"
-%
-Ours is a world where people don't know what they want and are willing
-to go through hell to get it.
-%
-Pardon me, sir, but you've obviously mistaken me for someone who gives a shit.
-%
-People who write position papers often find themselves in an
-enviable position.  They are hired to write papers for both sides of the
-position.
-	A good position paper will have many words in it like
-"superincumbence," "egress," and "plurification."
-	You will not often find the phrase "lightweight dropcase
-limp-wristed motherfucker" in a serious position paper.
-	Charts and multiplication tables should always be included in
-position papers.  They should look complicated enough to make Albert
-Einstein stagger across the room for a Tylenol.
-	A good position paper will never underestimate the value of a
-semicolon.
-		-- Dan Jenkins, "Baja Oklahoma"
-%
-People will swim through shit if you put a few bob in it.
-		-- Peter Sellers
-%
-Psychotherapy is the theory that the patient will probably get well anyhow
-and is certainly a damn fool.
-		-- H. L. Mencken
-%
-Shit happens.
-%
-	Shortly after Churchill had grown a moustache, he was accosted by a
-certain young lady whose political views were in direct opposition to his
-own.  Fancying herself something of a wag, she exclaimed, "Mr. Churchill, I
-care for neither your politics nor your moustache."  Unabashed, the young
-statesman regarded her quietly for a moment, the wryly commented, "Suck my
-dick."
-	While serving as a subaltern in the Boer War, the young Churchill was
-asked by a superior officer to give his opinion of the Boers as soldiers.
- "They're assholes, sir," he ventured, then paused briefly and added, with a
-whimsical smile, "They're assholes."
-	Churchill was given to reading in the bathtub and, while staying at
-the White House, he once became so engrossed in an account of the Battle of
-Fonteney that he forgot President Roosevelt was due to drop by to discuss the
-upcoming conference in Yalta.  At the appointed hour, the President was
-wheeled into Churchill's quarters only to be informed that the Prime Minister
-had not finished bathing.  Roosevelt was about to apologize for the intrusion
-and depart when Churchill, puffing his customary cigar, strode into the room
-stark naked and greeted the nonplussed world leader with a terse, "What are
-you staring at, homo?"
-		-- "The Churchill Wit", National Lampoon
-%
-Silence can be the biggest lie of all.  We have a responsibility to speak
-up; and whenever the occasion calls for it, we have a responsibility to
-raise bloody hell.
-		-- Herbert Block
-%
-So you fucked up... you trusted us!
-		-- Animal House
-%
-Some companies idea of playing ball is, you play ball with us,
-and we'll stick the fucking bat up your ass.
-%
-Some of the management around here are the final proof that the Indians
-fucked the buffalo.
-%
-Sometimes, you just gotta say "What the fuck."
-		-- Risky Business
-%
-Substitute 'damn' every time you're inclined to write 'very'; your
-editor will delete it and the writing will be just as it should be.
-		-- Mark Twain
-%
-Success has many fathers, but failure is a bastard.
-%
-Tell you what," the haberdasher said to a persistent job applicant.  "I've
-got one suit I can't sell -- that purple, green and yellow number over there.
-If you can make that sale, you've not only got the job, you've got it for
-life."
-	Then the store owner left for lunch.  When he returned, he was shocked
-to see the young man's clothes in tatters and his hands and face bleeding.
-	"My God, what happened to you?"
-	"I sold the suit!  I sold the suit!" the young man shouted, a smile
-on his bloodied lips.
-	"Congratulations," the haberdasher said.  "You've got the job.  But
-what happened?  Did the customer start a fight?"
-	"Oh, no," the new salesman replied.  "But his Seeing Eye dog was
-*pissed*."
-%
-The best number for a dinner party is two--myself and a damn good head waiter.
-		-- Nubar Gulbenkian
-%
-The boys in the Epperson family all acquired fine educations except for Edward.
-They made him go to school, but most of the time he just ignored what was said
-there.  Yet there were rare moments when he could display a bit of curiosity.
-	One day Edward was sitting at home looking at a magazine, and he said
-to his brilliant older brother, Hud, he said, "Hud, what does fox pass mean?"
-	Brother Hud gave the question some deep consideration and then said,
-"You must mean _faux_pas_."
-	"The way it's spelled," said dumb Ed, "it's fox pass."
-	Hud took a look at the way it was spelled and then said, "It's a French
-phrase -- it means a social blunder.  Remember last Sunday when the Bishop came
-for dinner?  Mother took him out in the garden and they were looking over the
-roses when the Bishop got stuck on the thumb by a thorn.  It was bleeding quite
-a bit so Mother brought him in the house.  They went into the bathroom together
-and stayed quite a while, and when they came out we all went to the dinner
-table.  Remember all that, Ed?"
-	"Yeh."
-	"Now," Hud continued, "you recall that I was just getting to pass
-the gravy when Mother said, 'Bishop, does your prick still throb?'  The gravy
-bowl flew out of my hands and hit the table, and the gravy splattered all
-over everyone.  And just at that point you, Brother Edward, you hollered,
-'Sheee-itt!'  You remember that?"
-	"Yeh."
-	"Well, when you hollered 'Sheee-itt!' that was a _faux_pas_."
-%
-The difference between graffiti and philosophy is the word "fuck".
-%
-	The famous Nell Gwynn, stepping one day from a house where she had
-made a short visit into her coach, saw a great crowd assembled, and her
-footman all bloody and dirty; the fellow being asked by his mistress, the
-reason for his being in that condition, answered, "I have been fighting,
-madam, with an impudent rascal who called your ladyship a whore."
-	"You blockhead," replied Mrs. Gywnn, "at this rate you must fight
-every day of your life; why, you fool, all the world knows it."
-	"Do they?" cries the fellow, in a muttering voice, after he had shut
-the coach door, "they shan't call me a whore's footman for all that."
-		-- Henry Fielding, "Tom Jones"
-%
-The government was contemplating the dispatch of an expedition to Burma,
-with a view to taking Rangoon, and a question arose as to who would be the
-fittest general to be sent in command of the expedition.  The Cabinet sent
-for the Duke of Wellington, and asked his advice.  He instantly replied,
-"Send Lord Combermere."
-	"But we have always understood that your Grace thought Lord
-Combermere a fool."
-	"So he is a fool, and a damned fool; but he can take Rangoon."
-		-- G.W.E. Russell
-%
-The higher you climb, the more you show your ass.
-		-- Alexander Pope, "The Dunciad"
-%
-The more crap you put up with, the more crap you're going to get.
-%
-... the most exquisitely squalid hells known to middle-class man:
-freshman English at a Midwestern university.
-		-- Tom Wolfe
-%
-The objective of all dedicated employees should be to thoroughly analyze
-all situations, anticipate all problems prior to their occurrence, have
-answers for these problems, and move swiftly to solve these problems
-when called upon.
-	However...
-When you are up to your ass in alligators it is difficult to remind
-yourself your initial objective was to drain the swamp.
-%
-The old man had lived all his life in a little house on the Vermont side of the
-New Hampshire-Vermont border.  One day, the surveyors came to inform him that
-they had just discovered that he lived in New Hampshire, not Vermont.
-	"Thank heavens!" was his heartfelt reply.  "I don't think I could have
-taken another one of those damned Vermont winters!"
-%
-The only thing faster than the speed of light is shit flowing downhill.
-		-- Mike O'Dell
-%
-The only way you'll ever hear from me is if you're living in the same hell.
-		-- Roy Harper
-%
-The road to hell is paved with good intentions.  And littered with
-sloppy analysis!
-%
-	THE TEN STAGES OF INTOXICATION
-
-	 (1) WITTY AND CHARMING: This is after one or two drinks.  The tongue
-	     is loosened and can yet remain in step with the brain.  In the
-	     "witty and charming" state, one is likely to use foreign idioms
-	     and phrases such as "au contraire" in place of "Now way, Jose,"
-	     or "Bullsheyet".
-	 (2) RICH AND POWERFUL: By the third drink, you begin mentioning the
-	     little 380 SL you've had your eye on down at the Mercedes place.
-	 (3) BENEVOLENT:  You'll buy her a Mercedes, too.  It's only money.
-	 (4) JUST ONE MORE AND THEN WE'LL EAT:  Stall tactic.
-	 (5) TO HELL WITH DINNER:  Just one more and then we'll eat.
-	 (6) PATRIOTIC:  The war stories begin.
-	 (7) CRANK UP THE "ENOLA GAY":  "We could have won in Nam, but..."
-	 (8) INVISIBLE:  So this is what the Ladies' Room looks like.
-	 (9) WITTY AND CHARMING PART II: You know, you don't sweat much for
-	     a fat girl.
-	(10) BULLETPROOF:  Bull-sheyet, gimme them keys, I can drive.
-		-- Lewis Grizzard, "My Daddy Was a Pistol and I'm a Son
-		   of a Gun".
-%
-The time has come for kicking ass and taking names.
-%
-	The townspeople stood in despair as the fire that had begun in a diner
-threatened to spread to adjoining homes.  Just then, a truck filled with
-farm workers came speeding down a hill toward the fire.  The crowd moved
-back and the truck drove right into the thickest of the flames.  The workers
-jumped out and beat at the fire with their coats, miraculously bringing the
-blaze under control.
-	The city fathers were so grateful for the men's heroism that they
-gave each a plaque and $1000.  After the ceremony, newsmen interviewed the
-driver and asked him what he was going to do with the money.
-	"You can be damned sure the first thing I'm gonna do," he replied,
-"is get the brakes fixed on that son-of-a-bitchin' truck!"
-%
-The world is an 8000 mile in diameter spherical pile of shit.
-%
-There are three kinds of lies: lies, damned lies and statistics.
-		-- Benjamin Disraeli
-%
-There are two sides to every divorce: yours and the shithead's.
-%
-There is always more hell that needs raising.
-		-- Lauren Leveut
-%
-There's a man deeply in debt, see, and he takes the money he has left
-and goes to Monte Carlo to try to recoup at the roulette tables.  Won a
-little, lost a lot, and was down to his last franc.  Prayed for help.
-A voice whispered in his ear: "Le rouge..."   Man looked around; nobody
-there.  What the hell -- he puts his last franc on the red, and it won.
-The voice immediately said, "Encore le rouge..."  Played red again, and
-it won again.  The voice said, "Impair..."  Played odd, and it won.  Voice
-said, "Quinze..." so he put all the money on 15, and it won.  This went
-on for hours, the voice telling him what to bet, and the man putting all
-his money on what the voice said, and winning.  Finally when the voice
-spoke, the man protested that he'd won millions of dollars and wanted to
-quit.  The voice was inexorable: "Douze..."  The man put the money on 12,
-and 11 came up -- he had lost everything -- the voice murmured "Merde!!"
-%
-There's a tendency today to absolve individuals from moral responsibility and
-treat them as victims of social circumstance.  You buy that, you pay with your
-soul.  It's not men who limit women, it's not straights who limit gays, it's
-not whites who limit blacks.  What limits people is lack of character.  What
-limits people is that they don't have the fucking nerve or imagination to star
-in their own movie, let alone direct it.
-		-- Bernard Mickey Wrangle
-%
-They ought to make butt-flavored cat food.
-		-- Gallagher
-%
-This guy makes an appointment with a doctor because his hemorrhoids are
-really bothering him.  The doctor gives him some suppositories and tells
-him to come back in a week for a checkup.  "How's it going?" he asks
-the patient a week later.
-	"I gotta tell you the truth, Doc," said the man.  "For all the
-good these pills did me, I coulda shoved them up my ass."
-%
-This guy walks into a bank and up to a female bank teller:
-
-Man:	"I want to open a fuckin' savings account."
-Teller:	"Excuse me, sir?"
-M:	"Listen, bitch, I want to open a fuckin' savings account."
-T:	"Sir, I don't have to listen to this abusive language."
-M:	"LOOK!  I just want to open a fuckin' savings account."
-T:	"Sir, you leave me no choice but to speak to the manager."
-
-The teller walks over and explains the customer's rude behavior to the bank
-manager who then accompanies her back to the teller booth.
-
-Mgr:	"Can I help you, sir?"
-M:	"I want to open a fuckin' savings account."
-Mgr:	"Please, sir, we'll be delighted to help you, but we must request
-	that you not use abusive language to our tellers."
-M:	"Look. I just won $25 million in the state lottery and I want to
-	open a fuckin' savings account!"
-Mgr:	"I see.  And has this cunt been giving you any trouble?"
-%
-This is National Smokers-Are-Shits Week.
-%
-Today is gonna be one helluva week!
-%
-Tomorrow never comes!  It's all the same fuckin' day, man!
-		-- Janis Joplin
-%
-	Two little kids, aged six and eight, decide it's time to learn how to
-swear. So, the eight-year-old says to the six-year-old, "Okay, you say
-`ass' and I'll say `hell'".
-	All excited about their plan, they troop downstairs, where their
-mother asks them what they'd like for breakfast.
-	"Aw, hell," says the eight-year-old, "gimme some Cheerios." His mother
-backhands him off the stool, sending him bawling out of the room, and
-turns to the younger brother.  "What'll you have?"
-	"I dunno," quavers the six-year-old, "but you can bet your ass it
-ain't gonna be Cheerios."
-%
-Two morticians alternated in sharing the responsibility of covering 
-the night shift. One early morning about 3:00 am, a body was brought into the 
-mortuary, and the mortician began work.  When he had unclothed the corpse, he 
-noticed a cork in the anus. Removing it, the strains of "Hello, Dolly, well, 
-hello, Dolly...!" were plainly heard being sung.  He put the cork back, and 
-the singing stopped. Pulling it out again, the same song started, "You're 
-lookin' swell, Dolly!".  Amazed, he telephoned his partner, and insisted he 
-come immediately to see something very unusual. Roused from sleep, the partner
-asked if it could wait until morning. It took great persistence, but finally 
-the partner agreed to dress and come down to the shop.  When he got there, he 
-said, "Now what was it that was so important you had to get me out of bed at 
-this ungodly hour?" 
-	The man said, "Come into the embalming room."
-	They go into the embalming room, and the first partner says, "Now 
-watch."
-	He pulls out the cork, and the anus takes off singing again. The
-partner looks at him disgustedly and says:  "You brought me down here at
-three in the morning just to hear some asshole sing Hello Dolly"?
-%
-VYARZERZOMANIMORORSEZASSEZANSERAREORSES?
-%
-"Water?  Never touch the stuff!  Fish fuck in it."
-		-- W. C. Fields
-%
-We aren't what we eat.  We are what we don't shit.
-		-- Hugh Romney
-%
-We call our dog Egypt, because in every room he leaves a pyramid.
-%
-We came, we saw, we kicked its ass!
-		-- Bill Murray, "Ghostbusters"
-%
-We must remember the First Amendment which protects any shrill jackass
-no matter how self-seeking.
-		-- F. G. Withington
-%
-Well, now that SUN's in bed with AT&T, I sure hope she sleeps with her
-back to the wall.
-		-- Guy Harris, on AT&T buying 20% of SUN Microsystems
-
-Eat shit and die.  Strong memo to follow.
-		-- Mike O'Dell, on AT&T buying 20% of SUN Microsystems
-%
-	Well, there was this tiger, who woke up one morning, and just felt
-great (yes, just like Tony the Tiger: GREAAAAAAT).  Anyway, he just felt
-so good, he went out and cornered a small monkey and roared at him: "WHO IS
-THE MIGHTIEST OF ALL THE JUNGLE ANIMALS?"
-	And this poor quaking little monkey replied: "You are of course, no
-one is mightier than you."
-	A little while later this tiger confronts a deer, and just bellows out:
-"WHO IS THE GREATEST AND STRONGEST OF ALL THE JUNGLE ANIMALS?"
-	The deer is shaking so hard it can barely speak, but manages to
-stammer: "Oh great tiger, you are by far the mightiest animal in the jungle."
-	The tiger, being on a roll, swaggered, up to an elephant that was
-quietly munching on some weeds, and roared at the top of his voice: "WHO IS
-THE MIGHTIEST OF ALL THE ANIMALS IN THE JUNGLE?"
-	Well, this elephant grabs the tiger with his trunk, picks him up, slams
-him down; picks him up again, and shakes him until the tiger is just a blur of
-orange and black; and finally throws him violently into a nearby tree.
-	The tiger staggers to his feet, looks at the elephant and says: "Man,
-you don't have to get so pissed, just because you don't know the answer!"
-%
-Well, this woman went to the butcher shop to get some ham for dinner.
-She asked the butcher what kind of ham he recommended, and the butcher said,
-"Well ma'am, we got some Damn ham here for $3.50 a pound..."  Needless to
-say, she was surprised at the butcher's language!  The butcher, who was
-reasonably astute, noticed the alarmed look on the woman's face, and quickly
-justified himself.  "No, no, ma'am, I wasn't cursin', the NAME of this here
-ham is "Damn ham".  Amused, the woman requested some "Damn ham."
-	That night, before dinner, the woman took her husband aside and
-explained what had happened at the butcher shop.  He also was amused, and
-suggested that they play a joke on their son.  So, at dinner, after grace,
-the man turned to his wife and said, "Honey, pass the damn ham."
-	Their son looked up, surprised.  "WHOAH!  Dad be gettin' hip!
-How 'bout them mother-fuckin' potatoes?"
-%
-What the fuck, over?
-%
-What the hell, go ahead and put all your eggs in one basket.
-%
-When the shit hits the fan, keep your mouth shut!
-%
-Where the hell is Wall Drug?
-%
-Who the hell wants to hear actors talk?
-		-- Harry Warner, Warner Bros. Pictures, c. 1927
-%
-Who took the MMMMMM out of MURINE?
-%
-Why doesn't everybody leave everybody else the hell alone?
-		-- Jimmy Durante
-%
-Winning isn't everything, but losing really sucks.
-%
-Winter is nature's way of saying, "Up yours."
-		-- Robert Byrne
-%
-Work like hell, tell everyone everything you know, close a deal with
-a handshake, and have fun.
-		-- Harold "Doc" Edgerton, summing up his life's philosophy,
-		   shortly before dying at the age of 86.
-%
-Would you mind terribly much if I asked you to take your silly-assed
-problem down the hall?
-%
-Yesterday is a memory,
-	Tomorrow is a vision,
-		Today is a bitch!
-%
-You are without a doubt a rogue, a rascal, a villain, a thief, a scoundrel,
-and a mean, dirty, stinking, sniveling, sneaking, pimping, pocketpicking,
-thrice double-damned, no-good son-of-a-bitch.
-%
-You can find sympathy, in the dictionary, right near shit and suicide.
-%
-You can lead a whore to Vasser, but you can't make her think.
-		-- Frederick B. Artz
-%
-You have been bitchy since Tuesday and you'll probably get fired today.
-%
-You have to be a bastard to make it, and that's a fact.  And the Beatles
-are the biggest bastards on earth.
-		-- John Lennon
-%
-"You have to regard everything I say with suspicion -- I may be trying
-to bullshit you, or I may just be bullshitting you inadvertently."
-		-- J. Wainwright, Mathematics 140b
-%
-You may not be able to judge a book by its cover, but you sure as hell can
-tell how much it's going to cost.
-%
-You see that fucking fish?  If he'd kept his mouth shut, he wouldn'ta got
-caught.
-		-- Sam Giancana
-%
-You should be a hemorrhoid, you're such a pain in the ass.
-%