fortune-teller 0.1.2 → 0.3.0

package/fortunes/off/unrotated/black-humor

@@ -1,1947 +0,0 @@
-A cannibal warrior is experiencing severe gastric distress, so he goes
-to his Village Witch Doctor with his complaint.  The VWD examines him
-and, concluding that something he ate disagreed with him, began to cross
-examine him about his recent diet.
-	"Well, I ate a missionary yesterday.  Do you think that could be
-the problem?"
-	The VWD says "Hmmmm."  (All doctors say "Hmmmm.")  "That could be.
-Tell me a bit about this missionary."
-	"Well, he was tall for a white man, wearing a brown robe.  He was
-walking down the trail, not watching for danger, so I speared him, dragged
-him home, cleaned him, boiled him and ate him."
-	"Ah-hah!" (All doctors say "Ah-hah!")  There's your problem," smiles
-the VWD.  You boiled him, but he was a friar!"
-%
-	A carpet installer decides to take a cigarette break after completing
-the installation in the first of several rooms he has to do.  Finding them
-missing from his pocket he begins searching, only to notice a small lump in
-his recently completed carpet-installation.  Not wanting to pull up all that
-work for a lousy pack of cigarettes he simply walks over and pounds the lump
-flat.  Foregoing the break, he continues on to the other rooms to be carpeted.
-	At the end of the day, while loading his tools into his truck, two
-events occur almost simultaneously: he spies his pack of cigarettes on the
-dashboard of the truck, and the lady of the house summons him imperiously:
-"Have you seen my parakeet?"
-%
-A castaway was washed ashore after many days on the open sea.  The island
-on which he landed was populated by savage cannibals who tied him, dazed
-and exhausted, to a thick stake.  They then proceeded to cut his arms
-with their spears and drink his blood.  This continued for several days
-until the castaway could stand no more.  He yelled for the cannibal chief
-and declared, "You can kill me if you want to, but this torture with the
-spears has got to stop.  Dammit, I'm tired of getting stuck for the drinks."
-%
-A GOOD WAY TO THREATEN somebody is to light a stick of dynamite.  Then you
-call the guy and hold the burning fuse to the phone.  "Hear that?" you say.
-"That's dynamite, baby."
-		-- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988.
-%
-	A guy returns from a long trip to Europe, having left his beloved 
-dog in his brother's care.  The minute he's cleared customs, he calls up his 
-brother and inquires after his pet.
-	"Your dog's dead," replies his brother bluntly.
-	The guy is devastated.  "You know how much that dog meant to me," 
-he moaned into the phone.  "Couldn't you at least have thought of a nicer way 
-of breaking the news?  Couldn't you have said, `Well, you know, the dog got 
-outside one day, and was crossing the street, and a car was speeding around a 
-corner...' or something...?  Why are you always so thoughtless?"
-	"Look, I'm sorry," said his brother, "I guess I just didn't think."
-	"Okay, okay, let's just put it behind us.  How are you anyway?
-How's Mom?"
-	His brother is silent a moment.  "Uh," he stammers, "uh... Mom got 
-outside one day..."
-%
-	A guy walks into a pub and asks: "Does anyone here own a Doberman?
-I feel really bad about this, but my Chihuahua just killed it."
-	A man leaps to his feet and replies, "Yes, I do, but how can that
-be?  I raised that dog from a pup to be a vicious killer."
-	"Yes, well, that's all well and good," replied the first, "but my
-dog's stuck in its throat."
-%
-	A man is walking along when he sees a funeral procession going by, the
-longest procession he's ever seen.  It seems to consist of the hearse,
-followed by a man with a Doberman on a leash, followed by several hundred
-other men.  After watching for a few minutes, he can restrain his curiosity
-no longer, and walks up to one of the mourners.
-	"Excuse me, sir, I don't mean to bother you in your moment of grief,
-but this is the strangest procession I've ever seen.  What happened, who is
-the funeral for?"
-	"Well, it's nothing special, really, the funeral is for the mother-
-in-law of the man at the front of the procession.  You see, his Doberman
-attacked and killed her."
-	"That's awful!", replies the onlooker.  "But... um... tell me, you
-don't think he'd let me borrow that dog, do you?"
-	"Get in line, buddy," replies the mourner, "get in line."
-%
-A New Yorker was driving through Berkeley when he saw a big crowd gathered
-by the side of the street.  Curiousity got the better of him and he leaned
-out of his window to ask an onlooker what was going on.  The fellow explained
-that a protestor against the U.S. position in South America had doused
-himself with gasoline and set himself on fire.  "That's terrible," gasped
-the man.  "But why is everyone still standing around?"
-	"Well, they're taking up a collection for his wife and kids," the
-onlooker explained.  "Would you be willing to help?"
-	"Well, sure," replied the New Yorker.  "I suppose I could spare a
-gallon or two."
-%
-A priest was walking along the cliffs at Dover when he came upon
-two locals pulling another man ashore on the end of a rope.  "That's what
-I like to see", said the priest, "A man helping his fellow man".
-
-As he was walking away, one local remarked to the other, "Well, he
-sure doesn't know the first thing about shark fishing."
-%
-A Southern boy graduates from high school heads north to college, taking the
-family dog, Old Blue with him, for company.  He's only been there a few weeks
-when he gets a call from his girlfriend; seems like they've got a problem,
-and she needs a thousand dollars to take care of it.  The boy calls his folks:
-	"How are you?" they ask.
-	"Oh, I'm fine," he says.
-	"And how," they ask, "is Old Blue?"
-	"Well, he's kind of depressed.  You see, there's this lady up here
-that teaches dogs to talk, and Ol' Blue is feelin' kind of left out 'cause
-he's the only dog that doesn't know how to talk.  She charges a thousand
-dollars."
-	The parents send the boy the thousand dollars, he forwards it to Mary
-Lou, and everything's fine until Christmas vacation.  The boy leaves Ol' Blue
-at his dorm, 'cause he just can't figure out what to tell his parents.  Sure
-enough, when he gets home, the first thing his father wants to know is
-"Where's Old Blue?"
-	"Well, Pa," says the boy.  "I was driving on home and Old Blue was
-talking away about this and that when we passed the Buford's farm.  Old Blue,
-well, he said, `Say, what do you think your mother would do if I told her
-that your father's been comin' over here and seeing Mrs. Buford all these
-years?'"
-	The father looks at his son -- "You shot that dog, didn't you, boy?"
-%
-A truly wise man never plays leapfrog with a unicorn.
-%
-A truly wise woman never plays leapfrog with a unicorn.
-%
-A woman was married to a golfer.  One day she asked, "If I were
-to die, would you remarry?"
-	After some thought, the man replied, "Yes, I've been very happy in
-this marriage and I would want to be this happy again."
-	The wife asked, "Would you give your new wife my car?"
-	"Yes," he replied.  "That's a good car and it runs well."
-	"Well, would you live in this house?"
-	"Yes, it is a lovely house and you have decorated it beautifully. 
-I've always loved it here."
-	"Well, would you give her my golf clubs?"
-	"No."
-	"Why not?"
-	"She's left handed."
-%
-After [Benjamin] Franklin came a herd of Electrical Pioneers whose names
-have become part of our electrical terminology: Myron Volt, Mary Louise Amp,
-James Watt, Bob Transformer, etc.  These pioneers conducted many important
-electrical experiments.  For example, in 1780 Luigi Galvani discovered (this
-is the truth) that when he attached two different kinds of metal to the leg
-of a frog, an electrical current developed and the frog's leg kicked, even
-though it was no longer attached to the frog, which was dead anyway.
-Galvani's discovery led to enormous advances in the field of amphibian
-medicine.  Today, skilled veterinary surgeons can take a frog that has been
-seriously injured or killed, implant pieces of metal in its muscles, and
-watch it hop back into the pond just like a normal frog, except for the fact
-that it sinks like a stone.
-		-- Dave Barry, "What is Electricity?"
-%
-All extremists should be taken out and shot.
-%
-Always run from a knife and rush a gun.	
-		-- Jimmy Hoffa
-%
-An encounter with a beautiful woman is good medicine for the well organized
-logical mind -- a little jolt never hurt.  Note that the anarchists have
-been saying this for years about the A-bomb and civilization.
-		-- Encyclopadia Apocryphia
-%
-An old man is lying on his deathbed with all his children, grandchildren and
-great-grandchildren gathered around, teary-eyed at the approaching finale of
-a deeply loved family member.  The old man is in a light coma, and the doctors
-have confirmed that the waiting will be over within the next twenty-four
-hours.  Suddenly, the old man opens his eyes whispers: "I must be dreaming
-of heaven...  I smell my daughter Lisle's strudel."
-	"No, no, grandfather, you are not dreaming", he is reassured.
-"Grandmother is baking strudel right now."
-	A faint smile crosses the old man's face.  "Go and get me a sliver of
-strudel," he says, "she bakes the finest strudel in the world."
-	One of the grandchildren is immediately dispatched to honor the old
-man's request, and, after what seems a long time, he returns empty-handed.
-	"Did you bring me some of Lisle's strudel?", the old man quavers.
-	"I'm... I'm very sorry, grandfather, but she says it's for the
-funeral."
-%
-And so it goes.  It is humiliating, when you should know better, to become
-victim of the timeless story of the little brown dog running across the
-freight yard, crossing all the railroad tracks until a switch engine nipped
-off the end of his tail between wheel and rail.  The little dog yelped, and
-he spun so quickly to check himself out that the next wheel chopped through
-his little brown neck.  The moral is, of course, never lose your head over
-a piece of tail.
-		-- John D. MacDonald, "The Scarlet Ruse"
-%
-And so, men, we can see that human skin is an even more complex and
-fascinating organ than we thought it was, and if we want to keep it looking
-good, we have to care for it as though it were our own.  One approach is to
-undergo a painful surgical procedure wherein your skin is turned inside-out,
-so the young cells are on the outside, but then of course you have the
-unpleasant side effect that your insides gradually fill up with dead old
-cells and you explode.  So this procedure is pretty much limited to top
-Hollywood stars for whom youthful beauty is a career necessity, such as
-Elizabeth Taylor and Orson Welles.
-		-- Dave Barry, "Saving Face"
-%
-As a professional humorist, I often get letters from readers who are
-interested in the basic nature of humor.  "What kind of a sick perverted
-disgusting person are you," these letters typically ask, "that you make
-jokes about setting fire to a goat?" ...
-		-- Dave Barry, "Why Humor is Funny"
-%
-As I bit into the nectarine, it had a crisp juiciness about it that was very
-pleasurable - until I realized it wasn't a nectarine at all, but A HUMAN HEAD!!
-		-- Jack Handley
-%
-As you reach for the web, a venomous spider appears.  Unable to pull
-your hand away in time, the spider promptly, but politely, bites you.
-The venom takes affect quickly causing your lips to turn plaid along
-with your complexion.  You become dazed, and in your stupor you fall
-from the limbs of the tree.  Snap!  Your head falls off and rolls all
-over the ground.  The instant before you croak, you hear the whoosh of
-a vacuum being filled by the air surrounding your head.  Worse yet, the
-spider is suing you for damages.
-%
-At social gatherings, I would amuse everyone by standing uponst the
-coffee table and striking meself repeatedly upon the head with a brick.
-		-- H.R. Gumby
-%
-"Based on what you know about him in history books, what do you think
-Abraham Lincoln would be doing if he were alive today?
-
-	(1) Writing his memoirs of the Civil War.
-	(2) Advising the President.
-	(3) Desperately clawing at the inside of his coffin."
-		-- David Letterman
-%
-Bitch, bitch, bitch --
-That's all I ever hear,
-Ever since the dog ate the baby,
-"Get rida the dog, get rida the dog."
-%
-Blood flows down one leg and up the other.
-%
-Blood is thicker than water, and much tastier.
-%
-"By the time they had diminished from 50 to 8, the other dwarves began
-to suspect 'Hungry' ..."
-		-- Gary Larson, "The Far Side"
-%
-****  CONVENTION REMINDER
-
-No experiment was approved for the convention by the Human Subjects 
-Committee of the Psychiatric Convention Planning Team.  If you notice 
-smoke coming from under a closed door, if you find a body on the hotel 
-carpet, or if you just meet someone who orders you to press a button 
-marked "450 volts", react as you would normally.
-%
-Crush!  Kill!  Destroy!
-%
-Cut a man's hand when you fight him.  He'll freeze, fascinated by the sight
-of his own blood.  That's when you stick him in the throat.
-		-- Gerry Youghkins
-%
-Dad always thought laughter was the best medicine, which I guess is why
-several of us died of tuberculosis.
-		-- Jack Handley
-%
-Dammit, how many times do I have to tell you?  _____FIRST you rape, ____THEN you pillage!!
-%
-Damned if I know.  And you can be fuckin' sure I'll never rent no car
-from Avis again.
-		-- Herbie Sperling, on the meaning of two pistols and an
-		axe used in three murders being found in the trunk of his
-		rented car.
-%
-Dear Abby:
-	I have two brothers.  One was sent to the electric chair when I was
-a child.  My mother died in an insane asylum.  My father is a pimp and my
-sister is a very successful and highly paid prostitute.  My other brother
-is a graduate student attending Purdue University.
-	Recently I met a wonderful girl who has just been released from prison
-for murdering her illegitimate child with a Zip-loc sandwich bag.  We're very
-much in love and want to be married after her venereal disease is cured.
-	My problem is this: should I tell her about my brother at Purdue?
-
-		Sincerely,
-		Undecided.
-%
-Dessert is probably the most important stage of the meal, since it will be
-the last thing your guests remember before they pass out all over the table.
-		-- The Anarchist Cookbook
-%
-Did you know?
-		EVERY TIME A LOAF OF BREAD IS BAKED,
-			   APPROXIMATELY
-		       150,000,000 YEASTS ARE
-			      KILLED
-
-		 Come to the award-winning 1987 film,
-		  "The Very Small and Quiet Screams"
-	-- a cinematic electromicrograph of yeasts being baked.
-
-A must for those who care about yeast, and especially for those who don't.
-
-			     SPONSORED BY
-		Brown Anaerobe Rights Coalition (BARC)
-	       Student Bakers for Social Responsibility
-	      Coalition for the ELevation of Life (CELL)
-		   Campus Crusade for Fetal Matters
-
-Defend all life: "From greatest to least, from human to yeast!"
-%
-Dig it, first they killed those pigs, then they ate dinner in the same
-room with them, then they even shoved a fork in a victim's stomach.  Wild!
-		-- Bernadine Dohrn, on the Manson killings
-%
-Does it rape elephants?
-		-- Brent Byer
-%
-Don
-Ameche:	I didn't know you had a cousin Penelope, Bill!
-	Was she pretty?
-W.C.:	Well, her face was so wrinkled it looked like seven miles of
-	bad road.  She had so many gold teeth, Don, she use to have
-	to sleep with her head in a safe.  She died in Bolivia.
-Don:	Oh Bill, it must be hard to lose a relative.
-W.C.:	It's almost impossible.
-		-- W.C. Fields, "The Further Adventures of Larson E.
-		   Whipsnade and other Tarradiddles"
-%
-Don't crush that dwarf, hand me the pliers!
-		-- Firesign Theatre
-%
-Dozens of bears are found dead in Alaska and Canada every summer, killed
-by blood lost to the voracious mosquito.  The estimated life-expectancy
-of a naked man on the tundra in summer is about 15 minutes.  In that
-time, approximately 250,000 mosquitoes would have drawn enough blood to
-kill him.
-		-- Gus McLeavy, "Day-by-Day Trivia Almanac"
-%
-Dr. Fritzkee's Lucky Astrology Diet
-
-The problem with the diets of today is that most women who do achieve
-that magic weight, seventy-six pounds, are still fat.  Dr. Fritzkee's
-Lucky Astrology Diet is a sure-fire method of reducing with the added
-luxury that you never feel hungry.
-
-Here's how the diet works:
-
-	FOODS ALLOWED
-First Month:	One egg
-Second Month:	A raisin
-Third Month:	Pumpkin pie with whipped cream and chocolate sauce.
-
-If after the third month you haven't gotten to your dream weight, try
-lopping off parts of your body until those scales tip just right for you.
-%
-Driving in Texas is simple.  For the first 100 miles you swerve to avoid
-jackrabbits.  For the second 100 miles you hit whatever jackrabbits get in
-the way.  After that you chase off into the brush after them.
-%
-During a grouse hunt in North Carolina two intrepid sportsmen were 
-blasting away at a clump of trees near a stone wall.  Suddenly a red-face 
-country squire popped his head over the wall and shouted, "Hey, you almost 
-hit my wife."
-
-"Did I?" cried one hunter, aghast.  "Terribly sorry.  Have a shot at
-mine, over there."
-%
-Eat one live toad the first thing in the morning and nothing worse
-will happen to you the rest of the day.
-
-[Well, actually, to either of you...  Ed.]
-%
-Eat the rich -- the poor are tough and stringy.
-%
-Even popularity can be overdone.  In Rome, along at first, you are full of
-regrets that Michaelangelo died; but by and by you only regret that you didn't
-see him do it.
-		-- Mark Twain, "Pudd'nhead Wilson's Calendar"
-%
-Every suicide is a solution to a problem.
-		-- Jean Baechler
-%
-Famous last words:
-	1: Everything that you'll need to know is in the manual.
-	2: You and what army?
-	3: Don't worry, I can handle it.
-	4: If you were as smart as you think you are, you wouldn't
-		be a cop.
-	5: I don't see how they make a profit
-		out of this stuff at a dollar and a quarter a fifth.
-	6: We're just getting into semantics again.
-	7: Everything's under control.
-	8: He's an asshole!  Don't try to "shush" me!
-%
-Fine day to throw a party.  Throw him as far as you can.
-%
-FOR SALE:
-	Parachute.  Used once.  Never opened.  Slightly Stained.
-%
-FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE OBSCURE FILMS!	#6
-
-RAZORBACK:			Paul Harbride, 1984, 2 hours 25 min.
-	One of the great Australian films of the early 1980's, and
-	arguably the best movie ever made about a large, man-eating
-	hog.  Some violence.  With Gregory Harrison.
-%
-FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE OBSCURE FILMS: #10
-
-CARTABLANCA:
-	Bogart stars as the owner of a north african nightclub that sells
-	only Mexican beer.  Of course, this policy gets him into no end of
-	trouble with the local French authorities who would really prefer
-	wine and the occupying Germans who believe that only their beer is
-	fit to be sold.  Wacky events ensue until the gripping climax in
-	which the much-hated German beer distributer is drowned in a vat.
-%
-FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE OBSCURE FILMS: #11
-
-MONOPOLI:
-	Peter Weir's classic film examining the false heroism of parlour
-	games.  The powerful ending of the film sees one young man after
-	another charge toward GO, only to senselessly lose his life on the
-	Boardwalk property.
-%
-FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE OBSCURE FILMS: #4
-
-WITLESS:
-	Peter Weir directs Sylvester Stallone in the most challenging role
-	of his career.  Stallone plays a Philadelphia police officer on the
-	run from corrupt officials.  He is wounded and then nursed back to
-	health by Amish Mennonites.  Fearful that they might unwittingly
-	reveal his hiding place, he blows them all away.
-%
-FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE OBSCURE FILMS: #7
-
-OUT OF "OUT OF AFRICA":
-	This film is a compilation of selected news clips depicting audiences
-	frantically pushing and shoving to get out of theatres where "Out of
-	Africa" is showing.  Many people are trampled to death in the frenzy.
-	Due to its violence and offensive language, not recommended for
-	younger viewers.
-%
-FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE OBSCURE FILMS: #8
-
-THE SMURFS AND THE CUISINART (1986)
-	The lovable little blue Smurfs encounter a lovable little kitchen
-	appliance, which invites them to play.  The Smurfs learn a valuable
-	(if sometimes fatal) lesson.
-
-THE SMURFS AND THE CARBON-DIOXIDE INDUSTRIAL LASER (1987)
-	The inevitable sequel.  The lovable and somewhat mangled surviving
-	Smurfs team up with the Care Bears to encounter a cute, lovable piece
-	of high-tech welding equipment, which teaches them the magic of
-	becoming rather greasy smoke.  Heartwarming fun for the entire family.
-%
-FORTUNE PRESENTS FAMOUS LAST WORDS:	#4
-
-Socrates:		I DRANK WHAT!?!?
-Tarzan:			Who greased the grape viiiiiiiiiiiinnnneee........
-Al Capone:		There's a violin in my violin case!
-Pilot, TWA Fl. #343:	What's a mountain goat doing 'way up here?
-%
-God grant us the serenity to accept the things we cannot change, courage to
-change the things we can, and wisdom to hide the bodies of the slobs we
-have to kill for pissing us off ...
-%
-Goldfish... what stupid animals.  Even Wayne Cody stops eating before
-he bursts.
-%
-Groundhog Day has been observed only once in Los Angeles because when the
-groundhog came out of its hole, it was killed by a mudslide.
-		-- Johnny Carson
-%
-Guns don't kill people.  Bullets kill people.
-%
-Happy is the child whose father died rich.
-%
-Harris had the beefsteak pie between his knees, and was carving it, and George
-and I were waiting with our plates ready.
-	"Have you got a spoon there?" says Harris; "I want a spoon to help
-the gravy with."
-	The hamper was close behind us, and George and I both turned round to
-reach one out.  We were not five seconds getting it.  When we looked round
-again, Harris and the pie were gone!
-	It was a wide, open field.  There was not a tree or a bit of hedge for 
-hundreds of yards.  He could not have tumbled into the river, because we were
-on the water side of him, and he would have had to climb over us to do it.
-	George and I gazed all about.  Then we gazed at each other.
-	"Has he been snatched up to heaven?" I queried.
-	"They'd hardly have taken the pie, too," said George.
-	There seemed weight in this objection, and we discarded the heavenly
-theory.
-	"I suppose the truth of the matter is," suggested George, descending
-to the commonplace and practicable, "that there has been an earthquake."
-	And then he added, with a touch of sadness in his voice: "I wish he
-hadn't been carving that pie."
-		-- Jerome K. Jerome, "Three Men In A Boat"
-%
-Harry and Fred were playing their Sunday afternoon golf game.  The game, as
-always, was close.  They were at the treacherous 12th hole: a par three that
-required a perfect first shot over a large pond and onto a tiny green.  There
-were sand traps on the other three sides of the green, and a small road 50
-feet beyond it.  Harry went first.  He carefully addressed the ball and hit
-a good shot that landed just on the edge of the green, narrowly avoiding the
-pond.  Just as Fred addressed his ball, he looked up and noticed a funeral
-procession along the road just behind the green.  Fred put down his club,
-took his hat off, and waited for the entire procession to pass.  As soon as
-the cars were gone he put his hat back on and started addressing the ball
-again.  Harry said, "Damn, Fred.  That was a really nice thing you did,
-waiting for the funeral to pass like that."
-	Fred finished his swing, making perfect contact with the ball.  It
-was an excellent shot that landed 7 feet from the hole.  "It's the least I
-could do," he said, smiling at his shot, "We were married for 22 years,
-you know."
-%
-	Harry, a golfing enthusiast if there ever was one, arrived home 
-from the club to an irate, ranting wife.
-	"I'm leaving you, Harry," his wife announced bitterly.  "You
-promised me faithfully that you'd be back before six and here it is almost
-nine.  It just can't take that long to play 18 holes of golf."
-	"Honey, wait," said Harry.  "Let me explain.  I know what I promised
-you, but I have a very good reason for being late.  Fred and I tee'd off
-right on time and everything was find for the first three holes.  Then, on
-the fourth tee Fred had a stroke.  I ran back to the clubhouse but couldn't
-find a doctor.  And, by the time I got back to Fred, he was dead.  So, for
-the next 15 holes, it was hit the ball, drag Fred, hit the ball, drag Fred...
-%
-Have you flogged your kid today?
-%
-	He had been bitten by a dog, but didn't give it much thought
-until he noticed that the wound was taking a remarkably long time to
-heal.  Finally, he consulted a doctor who took one look at it and
-ordered the dog brought in.  Just as he had suspected, the dog had
-rabies.  Since it was too late to give the patient serum, the doctor
-felt he had to prepare him for the worst.  The poor man sat down at the
-doctor's desk and began to write.  His physician tried to comfort him.
-"Perhaps it won't be so bad," he said. "You needn't make out your will
-right now."
-	"I'm not making out any will," relied the man.  "I'm just writing
-out a list of people I'm going to bite!"
-%
-He heard the snick of a rifle bolt and found himself peering down the muzzle
-of a weapon held by a drunken liquor store owner -- "There's a conflict," he
-said, "there's a conflict between land and people... the people have to go..."
-		-- Stan Ridgeway, "Call of the West"
-%
-He is useless on top of the ground; he ought to be under it, inspiring the
-cabbages.
-		-- Mark Twain, "Pudd'nhead Wilson's Calendar"
-%
-He was a cowboy, mister, and he loved the land.  He loved it so much he
-made a woman out of dirt and married her.  But when he kissed her, she
-disintegrated.  Later, at the funeral, when the preacher said, "Dust to
-dust," some people laughed, and the cowboy shot them.  At his hanging, he
-told the others, "I'll be waiting for you in heaven -- with a gun."
-		-- Jack Handley
-%
-He was the sort of person whose personality would be greatly improved
-by a terminal illness.
-%
-He was the world's only armless sculptor.  He put the chisel in his mouth
-and his wife hit him on the back of the head with a mallet.
-		-- Fred Allen
-%
-He's got the heart of a little child, and he keeps it in a jar on his desk.
-%
-	"Heard you were moving your piano, so I came over to help."
-	"Thanks.  Got it upstairs already."
-	"Do it alone?"
-	"Nope.  Hitched the cat to it."
-	"How would that help?"
-	"Used a whip."
-%
-Hello, friend!  You say things aren't going too well?  You say you have a 
-date with your favorite girl when it starts raining so hard you can't see?  
-And you're out on some back road when the car stalls and won't start, so 
-you set off accross the fields, and 50 feet of barbed wire hits you right 
-smack in the puss?  And then there's a big explosion behind you and you 
-don't hear your girl screaming any more?  
-
-	Well, take a walk in the sun and hold your head up high!
-	You'll show the world; you'll tell them where to get off!
-	You'll never give up, never give up, never give up -- that ship!
-%
-	"Hello, Mrs. Premise!"
-	"Oh, hello, Mrs. Conclusion!  Busy day?"
-	"Busy? I just spent four hours burying the cat."
-	"Four hours to bury a cat!?"
-	"Yes, he wouldn't keep still: wrigglin' about, 'owlin'..."
-	"Oh, it's not dead then."
-	"Oh no, no, but it's not at all a well cat, and as we're goin' away
-for a fortnight I thought I'd better bury it just to be on the safe side."
-	"Quite right.  You don't want to come back from Sorrento to a dead
-cat, do you?"
-		-- Monty Python's Flying Circus
-%
-Help Stamp Out Rape!  (Say Yes.)
-%
-HERE'S A GOOD JOKE to do during an earthquake.  Straddle a big crack in
-the earth and if it opens wider, go, "Whoa! Whoa!" and flap your arms
-around as if you're going to fall.
-		-- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988.
-%
-Hire the handicapped -- they're fun to watch!
-%
-Home of Doberman Propulsion Laboratories: The ultimate in watchdog weaponry.
-		-- Chris Shaw
-%
-How to Raise Your I.Q. by Eating Gifted Children
-		-- Book title by Lewis B. Frumkes
-%
-	"How'd you get that flat?"
-	"Ran over a bottle."
-	"Didn't you see it?"
-	"Damn kid had it under his coat."
-%
-I braved the contempt of my friends last week and ventured out to see
-Bambi, the Disney rerelease that is proving to be a hit once again in the
-box office.  I was looking forward to a gentle, soothing, late afternoon
-relief from the Washington Summer.  Instead I was traumatized.  As a
-psycho-sexual return to the horrors of early adolescence, it couldn't be
-more effective.  For the first half-hour, you're lulled into an agreeable
-sense of security and comfort.  Birds twitter; small rabbits turn out to
-be great conversationalists.  Pop is what Senator Moynihan would describe
-as an absent father, but Mom's there to make you feel OK in the odd
-thunderstorm.  You make great friends, fool around on the ice, discover
-the meadow, generally mellow out.  Then, without any particular warning,
-your mom gets shot, your voice breaks, huge growths start appearing on
-your head, and your peers start heading off into the clover with the
-apparent intention of having sex.  Next thing you know, the forest burns
-down. If I were still eight, I think I'd prefer Rambo III.
-		-- Townsend Davis
-%
-I can't stand this proliferation of paperwork.  It's useless to fight the
-forms.  You've got to kill the people producing them.
-		-- Vladimir Kabaidze, general director of the Ivanovo Machine
-		   Building Works (near Moscow) in a speech to the Communist
-		   Party Conference
-%
-I collect rare photographs...  I have two...  One of Houdini locking his
-keys in his car...  the other is a rare picture of Norman Rockwell beating
-up a child.
-		-- Steven Wright
-%
-I could never learn to like her -- except on a raft at sea with no
-other provisions in sight.
-		-- Mark Twain
-%
-I don't want to alarm anybody, but there is an excellent chance that the
-Earth will be destroyed in the next several days.  Congress is thinking
-about eliminating a federal program under which scientists broadcast signals
-to alien beings.  This would be a large mistake. Alien beings have nuclear
-blaster death cannons.  You cannot cut off their federal programs as if they
-were merely poor people ...
-                -- Dave Barry, "THE ALIENS ARE COMING, THE ALIENS ARE COMING!"
-%
-I GUESS I KINDA LOST CONTROL because in the middle of the play I ran up
-and lit the evil puppet villain on fire.
-
-No, I didn't. Just kidding.  I just said that to illustrate one of the
-human emotions which is freaking out.  Another emotion is greed, as when
-you kill someone for money or something like that.  Another emotion is
-generosity, as when you pay someone double what he paid for his stupid
-puppet.
-		-- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988.
-%
-I GUESS OF ALL MY UNCLES, I liked Uncle Caveman the best. We called him
-Uncle Caveman because he lived in a cave and because sometimes he'd eat
-one of us.  Later, we found out he was a bear.
-		-- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988.
-%
-I GUESS WE WERE ALL GUILTY, in a way.  We shot him, we skinned him, and
-we all got a complimentary bumper sticker that said, "I helped skin Bob."
-		-- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988.
-%
-I had a dream that all the victims of The Pill came back...boy, were they mad!
-		-- Steven Wright
-%
-I had to hit him -- he was starting to make sense.
-%
-I have a very firm grasp on reality!  I can reach out and strangle it any time!
-%
-	"I know a life of crime led me to this sorry state.  I blame society.
-Society made me what I am today!"
-	"That's bullshit Archie.  You're just a young suburban punk like me."
-	"It still...  hurts... auugghh!"
-	"You're going to be okay..."
-	"...gurgle..."
-		"... maybe not."
-		-- Repo Man
-%
-"I know what you're thinking -- `Did he fire six shots or only five?'
-Well, to tell you the truth, in all the excitement, I kind of lost track
-myself.  But being this is a .44 Magnum, the most powerful handgun in the
-world, and would blow your head clean off, you've got to ask yourself
-one question: `Do I feel lucky?'  Well, do you, punk?"
-		-- Harry Callahan, badge #2211
-%
-I love the smell of napalm in the morning.
-		-- Robert Duval, "Apocalypse Now"
-%
-I read a column by George Will that Scarface should be rated X because
-parents were taking their children to see it.  So what?  Why should the
-motion-picture industry be responsible for our morality?
-	Dad says to Mom, "Honey, Scarface is in town."
-	"What's it about?"
-	"Human scum who kill each other over cocaine deals."
-	"Sounds great!  Let's take the kids!"
-		-- Ian Shoales
-%
-I wrecked trains because I like to see people die.  I like to hear
-them scream.
-		-- Sylvestre Matuschka, "the Hungarian Train Wreck Freak",
-		   escaped prison 1937, not heard from since
-%
-"I'm terribly sorry, sir," the novice barber apologized, after badly nicking
-a customer.  "Let me wrap your head in a towel."
-	"That's all right," said the customer.  "I'll just take it home under
-my arm."
-%
-I've never struck a woman in my life, not even my own mother.
-		-- W.C. Fields
-%
-IF A KID ASKS YOU where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him
-is, "God is crying."  And if he asks why God is crying, another cute thing
-to tell him is, "Probably because of something you did."
-		-- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988.
-%
-If every kid had a funny tooth to bite down on whenever the world disappointed
-him, prussic acid could solve our population problems in one generation.
-		-- G.C. Edmonson's Albert, "The Man Who Corrupted Earth"
-%
-... If forced to travel on an airplane, try and get in the cabin with
-the Captain, so you can keep an eye on him and nudge him if he falls
-asleep or point out any mountains looming up ahead ...
-		-- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"
-%
-If Ricky Schroder and Gary Coleman had a fight on television with
-pool cues, who would win?
-	(1) Ricky Schroder
-	(2) Gary Coleman
-	(3) The television viewing public
-		-- David Letterman
-%
-If you go parachuting, and your parachute doesn't open, and your friends are
-all watching you fall, I think a funny gag would be to pretend you were
-swimming.
-		-- Jack Handley
-%
-If you guys have a beef with her, that's her problem.  Don't lay it on
-me.  The old lady has to take care of her own weight.
-		-- Herbie Sperling, convicted heroin dealer, on being
-		arrested for narcotics possession at his mother's house.
-%
-If you laid all the Elvis impersonators in the world, end to end...
-you'd wanna run and get a steam roller, real fast.
-		-- David Letterman
-%
-If you look rather casual with the knife when you flick it open, people
-don't like it.
-		-- Gerry Youghkins
-%
-If you love something set it free.  If it doesn't come back to you,
-hunt it down and kill it.
-%
-"If you're a real good kid, I'll give you a piggy-back ride on a buzz-saw."
-		-- W. C. Fields
-%
-If you're a young Mafia gangster out on your first date, I bet it's real
-embarrassing if someone tries to kill you.
-		-- Jack Handley
-%
-If your enemy is buried in quicksand up to his neck, pull him out.
-If he is buried up to his eyes, step on his head.
-		-- Niccoli Machiavelli, "The Prince"
-%
-Inspector:	"Mrs. Freem, was this your husband's first hunting accident?"
-Mrs. Freem:	"His first fatal one, yes."
-		-- Woody Allen
-%
-Inter-Dwarf Memo
-To: Dwarf-list
-From: Doc
-Re: S. White
-
-	If that bitch cleans one more thermometer with Ajax, I'm gonna kill
-her.   I'll give her apples, nice big apples.  With surprises inside. Yeah,
-surprises.
-%
-Inter-Dwarf Memo
-To: Dwarf-list
-From: Happy
-Re: S. White
-
-	Let it be noted that if she whistles that goddamned song one
-more time I'm gonna rip her fuckin' lips off.  Have a nice day.
-%
-It is November first 1940; in the famous sound stage of THE WIZARD OF OZ on
-the MGM lot, a little man is lying face-up on the yellow brick road.  His
-wide eyes stare upward into the blinding stage lights.  He is wearing a
-kind of comic soldier's uniform with a yellow coat and puffy sleeves and
-big fez-like blue and yellow hat with a feather on top.  His yellow hair
-and beard are the phony straw color of Hollywood.  He could pass for some
-kind of cute in the typical tinsel-town way if it wasn't for the knife
-sticking out of his chest.  *Someone had murdered a Munchkin.*
-		-- Stuart Kaminsky, "Murder on the Yellow Brick Road"
-%
-	It seems that John gets this phone call:
-	"Hello," he answers.  The voice on the other end of the line
-is hard and cold.
-	"This is Susan," he hears.  "We met at a party a few months ago.
-	"Of course, Susan!", John replies.  "How are you?"
-	"Not very well.  Remember how after the party you took me home and
-we parked?  And you told me that I was a 'good sport'?  Well, I'm pregnant
-and I'm going to kill myself tonight."
-	John is silent for a few moments, collecting his thoughts.  "Well,"
-he finally replies, "you sure *are* a good sport."
-%
-It was a warm, sunny Sunday, and a man and his wife decided to take in the zoo.
-They spent the day, and at closing time they walked past the gorilla cage, and
-the man noticed the gorilla looking at his wife.  "That gorilla is getting
-excited just looking at your tits," he said.  "Why don't you take your blouse
-off and we'll see what he does?"
-	At first she refused.  But finally persuaded by her husband, she took
-off her blouse and bra.  The gorilla went nuts.  He started grunting and
-jumping up and down.
-	"Hey," the husband said, "let's really blow his mind.  Take off all
-your clothes and we'll see what he does."
-	Again she said no and again he persuaded her.  This time the ape
-really went bananas!  He climbed up and down the bars, did flips, ran around
-in circles and tossed his food all over the cage.  The husband went over to
-the cage, opened the door and pushed his wife in.
-	"Now," said the husband, "tell that motherfucker you have a headache!"
-%
-It was on the tip of my tongue to tell them about the deer, but I ended up
-not doing it.  That was one thing I kept to myself.  I've never spoken or
-written of it until just now, today.  And I have to tell you that it seems
-a lesser thing written down, damn near inconsequential.  But for me it was
-the best part of that trip, the cleanest part, and it was a moment I found
-myself returning to, almost helplessly, when there was trouble in my life --
-my first day in the bush in Vietnam, and this fellow walked into the clearing
-where we were with his hand over his nose and when he took his hand away there
-was no nose there because it had been shot off; the time the doctor told us
-our youngest son might be hydrocephalic (he turned out just to have an
-oversized head, thank God); the long crazy weeks before my mother died.  I
-would find my thoughts turning back to that morning, the scuffed suede of
-her ears, the white flash of her tail.  But eight hundred million Red Chinese
-don't give a shit, right?  The most important things are the hardest to say,
-because words diminish them.  It's hard to make strangers care about the
-good things in your life.
-		-- Stephen King, "The Body"
-%
-It was pity stayed his hand.  "Pity I don't have any more bullets," thought
-Frito.
-		-- Harvard Lampoon, "Bored of the Rings"
-%
-"It's all so painfully empty and lonesome...  I don't think I can stand
-any more of it... the whole dreadful way we are born, die, and are 
-never missed.  The fact there is *nobody*... nobody really...  We come
-out of a yawning tomb of flesh and sink back finally into another tomb.
-What is the point of it all?  Who thought up this sickening circle of
-flesh and blood?  We come into the world bleeding and cut and our bones
-half-crushed only to emerge and suffer more torment, multilation, and
-then at the last lie down in some hole in the ground forever.  Who could
-have thought it up, I wonder?"
-		-- James Purdy
-%
-It's hard to outrun dead people because they don't have to breathe.
-		-- Hokey, describing "Night of the Living Dead"
-%
-Joan of Arc is alive and medium well.
-%
-July 4
-
-Statistics show that we lose more fools on this day than in all the other days
-of the year put together.  This proves, by the number left in stock, that one
-Fourth of July per year is now inadequate, the country has grown so.
-		-- Mark Twain, "Pudd'nhead Wilson's Calendar"
-%
-Keep patting your enemy on the back until a small bullet hole appears
-between your fingers.
-		-- Joe Bonanno
-%
-Kill 'em all, and let God sort 'em out.
-%
-Kill a commie for Christ!
-%
-Kill a commy for your mommy.
-%
-Kill for the love of killing!  Kill for the love of Kali!
-		-- Hindu saying
-%
-Kill your parents.
-		-- Jerry Rubin
-%
-Knights are hardly worth it.  I mean, all that shell and so little meat...
-%
-Legalize free-enterprise murder: why should governments have all the fun?
-%
-Long, long ago, in the Old West, a rancher rode into town to buy supplies.
-When he returned, he found that his whole family had been killed, his wife
-raped, his house burned, and all his cattle rustled.  When he told his
-distant neighbors about the tragedy, a few of them reported that the only
-stranger they had seen in the area for weeks was a tall desperado wearing a
-black hat and a red neckerchief.
-	The cowboy saddled his fastest horse and set out to find the villian.
-He searched for months but couldn't catch up with the culprit; in town after
-dusty town he was told that a man fitting the description had been there but
-had just departed; usually after some heinous crime.
-	One evening after a hard day's ride he came into a town, tied his
-horse, and entered the saloon.  At a table in the corner sat an ugly man,
-with a black hat and a red neckerchief!  Slowly the cowboy stalked up to
-this man, his hands resting upon his guns.
-	"Are you the man who killed my family, raped my wife, burned my
-house and rustled my cattle?"
-	"Probably; after so many, how can I be sure?" snarled the bandit.
-	"You better cut that shit out!"
-%
-Madam, there's no such thing as a tough child -- if you parboil them
-first for seven hours, they always come out tender.
-		-- W. C. Fields
-%
-Many lower life forms demonstrate qualities that, at first, just don't
-seem survival oriented.  For instance, the female praying mantis, after mating
-with, well, her mate, will devour him.  For the male praying mantis, however,
-it's a catch-22.  If he mates, he gets screwed out of an opportunity to mate
-again.  If he doesn't mate, he doesn't reproduce, ending his family tree.  This
-suicidal behavior is commonly called the Preying Mantis Syndrome -- and many
-life forms are periodically subject to its wrath.  How did the preying mantis
-become stuck in such a awful, vicious cycle?  This is probably what happened:
-	The male mantis arrives at the residence of the female mantis.  After
-some courtship exercises (dinner, a movie, inserting the diaphram) they mate.
-The female mantis, her lust for... lust being satisfied, relaxes while the
-male raids the refrigerator and returns home.  This behavior continues until
-the male and female (mantissas?) establish a permanent relationship.  Then the
-male establishes a new pattern of behavior:  Football on Mondays, baseball on
-Tuesdays, happy hour on Wednesdays, uh, well, uh, working-late-at-the-office
-on Thursdays, etc. etc.  The female tolerates this for awhile, then files for
-a divorce.  After a long court battle, she concludes one thing:  It simplifies
-matters tremendously to just eat him when you're done with him.
-	Well, through the centuries of evolution, the Preying Mantis Syndrome
-has been carried up to the highest life forms, as well as to humans.  That is
-why, one week out of every month, the female of the species will feel compelled
-to bite the head off of the male.  The Syndrome is inescapable, but when it
-occurs in the female of our species, it's best to just avoid them for a while.
-%
-	Mother seemed pleased by my draft notice.  "Just think of all the
-people in England, they've chosen you, it's a great honour, son."
-	Laughingly I felled her with a right cross.
-		-- Spike Milligan
-%
-	Moving along a dimly light street, a man I know was suddenly 
-approached by a stranger who had slipped from the shadows nearby.
-	"Please, sir," pleaded the stranger, "would you be so kind as
-to help a poor unfortunate fellow who is hungry and can't find work?  
-All I have in the world is this gun."
-%
-My best argument against discrimination is quite simple:
-
-Does it really matter if the ABC people are inferior to the DEF people if
-they can tell one end of a gun from the other?
-%
-My girlfriend and I sure had a good time at the beach last summer.  First
-she'd bury me in the sand, then I'd bury her.  This summer I'm going to go
-back and dig her up.
-%
-	"My God!  Are we sure he was a liberal?"
-	"Pretty sure.  They pulled him from a Volvo."
-%
-Negotiate, my ass!  Let's kill something!
-%
-Never count your chickens before they rip your lips off.
-%
-Never hit a man with glasses; hit him with a baseball bat.
-%
-Never say "Oops" in an operating room.
-%
-Never settle with words what you can accomplish with a flame thrower.
-%
-New members urgently required for SUICIDE CLUB, Watford area.
-		-- Monty Python's Big Red Book
-%
-NEWSFLASH!!
-	Rodney Fenster looked up the shaft of elevator number four at
-1700 N. 17th St. this morning to see if the elevator was on its way down.
-It was.  Age 31.
-%
-No doubt Jack the Ripper excused himself on the grounds that it was
-human nature.
-%
-Note to myself: use real bullets next time.
-%
-... Now you're ready for the actual shopping.  Your goal should be to get it
-over with as quickly as possible, because the longer you stay in the mall,
-the longer your children will have to listen to holiday songs on the mall
-public-address system, and many of these songs can damage children
-emotionally.  For example: "Frosty the Snowman" is about a snowman who
-befriends some children, plays with them until they learn to love him, then
-melts.  And "Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer" is about a young reindeer who,
-because of a physical deformity, is treated as an outcast by the other
-reindeer.  Then along comes good, old Santa.  Does he ignore the deformity?
-Does he look past Rudolph's nose and respect Rudolph for the sensitive
-reindeer he is underneath?  No.  Santa asks Rudolph to guide his sleigh, as
-if Rudolph were nothing more than some kind of headlight with legs and a
-tail.  So unless you want your children exposed to this kind of
-insensitivity, you should shop quickly.
-		-- Dave Barry, "Christmas Shopping: A Survivor's Guide"
-%
-Nuke the gay, unborn, baby whales for Jesus.
-%
-Nuke the unborn gay female whales for Jesus.
-%
-Nuke them till they glow, then shoot them in the dark.
-%
-On his way back from work, a driver came upon a horrible wreck in which one
-car looked exactly like his neighbor's.  Stopping hurriedly on the side of
-the road, he ran toward the smoldering debris.
-	"Listen, mister," a policeman said, holding him back, "I can't let
-you come any closer."
-	"But that may be my friend, Henry, in there," the anguished man
-explained.
-	"OK, but it's pretty grisly," the cop cautioned.  "There was a
-decapitation."
-	The policeman reached into the back seat of the demolished car and
-pulled forth the head, holding it at arm's length.  "Is this your friend?"
-	"That's not him -- thank heavens," the man said.  "Henry's much
-taller."
-%
-	On the occasion of Nero's 25th birthday, he arrived at the Colosseum 
-to find that the Praetorian Guard had prepared a treat for him in the arena.  
-There stood 25 naked virgins, like candles on a cake, tied to poles, burning 
-alive.  "Wonderful!" exclaimed the deranged emperor, "but one of them isn't 
-dead yet.  I can see her lips moving.  Go quickly and find out what she is 
-saying."
-	The centurion saluted, and hurried out to the virgin, getting as near
-the flames as he dared, and listened intently.  Then he turned and ran back
-to the imperial box.  "She is not talking," he reported to Nero, "she is
-singing."
-	"Singing?" said the astounded emperor.  "Singing what?"
-	"Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you..."
-%
-	Once again we find ourselves enmeshed in The Holiday Season, that very
-special time of year when we join with our loved ones in sharing centuries-old
-traditions such as trying to find a parking space at the mall.  We
-traditionally do this in my family by driving around the parking lot until we
-see a shopper emerge from the mall.  Then we follow her, in very much the same
-spirit as the Three Wise Men, who, 2,000 years ago, followed a star, week after
-week, until it led them to a parking space.
-	We try to keep our bumper about 4 inches from the shopper's calves, to
-let the other circling cars know that she belongs to us.  Sometimes, two cars
-will get into a fight over whom the shopper belongs to, similar to the way
-great white sharks will fight over who gets to eat a snorkeler.  So, we follow
-our shopper closely, hunched over the steering wheel, whistling "It's Beginning
-to Look a Lot Like Christmas" through our teeth, until we arrive at her car,
-which is usually parked several time zones away from the mall.  Sometimes our
-shopper tries to indicate she was merely planning to drop off some packages and
-go back to shopping.  But, when she hears our engine rev in a festive fashion
-and sees the holiday gleam in our eyes, she realizes she would never make it.
-		-- Dave Barry, "Holiday Joy -- Or, the Great Parking Lot
-		   Skirmish"
-%
-	Once upon a time, there was a fisherman who lived by a great river.
-One day, after a hard day's fishing, he hooked what seemed to him to be the
-biggest, strongest fish he had ever caught.  He fought with it for hours,
-until, finally, he managed to bring it to the surface.  Looking of the edge
-of the boat, he saw the head of this huge fish breaking the surface.  Smiling
-with pride, he reached over the edge to pull the fish up.  Unfortunately, he
-accidently caught his watch on the edge, and, before he knew it, there was a
-snap, and his watch tumbled into the water next to the fish with a loud
-"sploosh!"  Distracted by this shiny object, the fish made a sudden lunge,
-simultaneously snapping the line, and swallowing the watch.  Sadly, the
-fisherman stared into the water, and then began the slow trip back home.
-	Many years later, the fisherman, now an old man, was working in a
-boring assembly-line job in a large city.  He worked in a fish-processing
-plant.  It was his job, as each fish passed under his hands, to chop off their
-heads, readying them for the next phase in processing.  This monotonous task
-went on for years, the dull *thud* of the cleaver chopping of each head being
-his entire world, day after day, week after weary week.  Well, one day, as he
-was chopping fish, he happened to notice that the fish coming towards him on
-the line looked very familiar.  Yes, yes, it looked... could it be the fish
-he had lost on that day so many years ago?  He trembled with anticipation as
-his cleaver came down.  IT STRUCK SOMETHING HARD!  IT WAS HIS THUMB!
-%
-	Once upon a time, there were five blind men who had the opportunity
-to experience an elephant for the first time.  One approached the elephant,
-and, upon encountering one of its sturdy legs, stated, "Ah, an elephant is
-like a tree."  The second, after exploring the trunk, said, "No, an elephant
-is like a strong hose."  The third, grasping the tail, said "Fool!  An elephant
-is like a rope!"  The fourth, holding an ear, stated, "No, more like a fan."
-And the fifth, leaning against the animal's side, said, "An elephant is like
-a wall."  The five then began to argue loudly about who had the more accurate
-perception of the elephant.
-	The elephant, tiring of all this abuse, suddenly reared up and
-attacked the men.  He continued to trample them until they were nothing but
-bloody lumps of flesh.  Then, strolling away, the elephant remarked, "It just
-goes to show that you can't depend on first impressions.  When I first saw
-them I didn't think they they'd be any fun at all."
-%
-One must have a heart of stone to read the death of Little Nell by Dickens
-without laughing.
-		-- Oscar Wilde
-%
-ONE THING KIDS LIKE is to be tricked.  For instance, I was going to take
-my little nephew to Disneyland, but instead I drove him to a burned-out
-warehouse.  "Oh, oh," I said.  "Disneyland burned down."  He cried and
-cried, but I think that deep down he thought it was a pretty good joke.
-
-I started to drive over to the real Disneyland, but it was getting pretty late.
-		-- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988.
-%
-Only way to open lips of pigeon: sledgehammer.
-%
-Orcs really aren't so bad (if you use lots of catsup).
-%
-Other than that, Mrs. Lincoln, how did you like the play?
-%
-	"Perhaps he is not honest," Mr. Frostee said inside Cobb's head,
-sounding a bit worried.
-	"Of course he isn't," Cobb answered. "What we have to look out for
-is him calling the cops anyway, or trying to blackmail us for more money."
-	"I think you should kill him and eat his brain," Mr. Frostee
-said quickly.
-	"That's not the answer to *every* problem in interpersonal relations,"
-Cobb said, hopping out.
-		-- Rudy Rucker, "Software"
-%
-Pipo was born with few complications, but then the doctor accidently dropped
-the infant on her head provoking her drunken father to drag the physician
-outside where he would beat him to death with a live ocelot.
-		-- Love and Rockets
-%
-Please do not look directly into laser with remaining eye.
-%
-PPRB -- Pillage, plunder, rape and burn.
-%
-Psychics will soon lead dogs to your body.
-%
-Readers Ask:
-	Is it possible to kill a vampire with a gun?
-
-Vampires are a source of great irritation to the average homeowner and it is
-usually to one's advantage to remove these pests as rapidly as possible.  If
-a professional exterminater specializing in the undead is unavailable, it is
-possible to handle the situation with common household items.  However, much
-of the common folklore of vanquishing the undead needs clarifying.  First,
-driving a sharpened Louisville Slugger through a vampire's heart will NOT kill
-it.  Since it's not quite alive, why would the heart be any different than
-puncturing it in the, for example, left buttock?  Stake driving should be
-avoided at any cost since its effect will be to terribly annoy the vampire,
-and the last thing you want on your hands is an irate Lord of Darkness.
-Handguns are also a definite no-no.  Common sense indicates that it requires
-more to defeat an incarnation of evil than hurling lumps of lead or silver
-through its body.  One time-honored method is to expose the vampire to the
-sun, sever its head (any power saw should be sufficient), fill its mouth with
-holy wafers (vanilla wafers over which the Lord's prayer has been read will
-do in a pinch), immerse the head in an urn filled with holy water, place the
-urn in consecrated lands and bury the rest of the body underneath a crossroad
-(i.e. the intersection of Broad & Chestnut).  Sure, it's a lot of work.  But
-you'll never have to worry about those damn bats pestering the neighbors again.
-%
-Remember kids, if there's a loaded gun in the room, be sure
-that you're the one holding it.
-		-- Mr. Greenfatigues
-%
-		Safety Tips for the Post-Nuclear Existence
-		  Tip #1: How to tell when you are dead.
-
-	(1) Little things start bothering you: little things like worms,
-	    bugs, ants.
-	(2) Something is missing in your personal relationships.
-	(3) Your dog becomes overly affectionate.
-	(4) You have a hard time getting a waiter.
-	(5) Exotic birds flock around you.
-	(6) People ignore you at parties.
-	(7) You have a hard time getting up in the morning.
-	(8) You no longer get off on cocaine.
-%
-		Safety Tips for the Post-Nuclear Existence
-
-	(1)  Never use an elevator in a building that has been hit by a nuclear
-	     bomb; use the stairs.
-	(2)  When you're flying through the air, remember to roll when you hit
-	     the ground.
-	(3)  If you're on fire, avoid gasoline and other flammable materials.
-	(4)  Don't attempt communication with dead people; it will only lead to
-	     psychological problems.
-	(5)  Food will be scarce; you will have to scavenge.  Learn to
-	     recognize foods that will be available after the bomb: mashed
-	     potatoes, shredded wheat, tossed salad, ground beef, etc.
-	(6)  Put your hand over your mouth when you sneeze; internal organs
-	     will be scarce in the post-nuclear age.
-	(7)  Try to be neat; fall only in designated piles.
-	(8)  Drive carefully in "Heavy Fallout" areas; people could be
-	     staggering illegally.
-	(9)  Nutritionally, hundred dollar bills are equal to ones, but more
-	     sanitary due to limited circulation.
-	(10) Accumulate mannequins now; spare parts will be in short supply on
-	     D-Day.
-%
-	Sam went to his psychiatrist complaining of a hatred for elephants.
-"I can't stand elephants," he explained.  "I lie awake nights despising
-them.  The thought of an elephant fills me with loathing."
-	"Sam," said the psychiatrist, "there's only one thing for you to do.  
-Go to Africa, organize a safari, find an elephant in the jungle and shoot it.
-That way you'll get it out of your system."
-	Sam immediately made arrangements for a safari hunt in Africa,
-inviting his best friend to join him.   They arrived in Nairobi and lost no
-time getting out on the jungle trails.  After they had been hunting for
-several days, Sam's best friend grabbed him by the arm one morning and
-yelled at him:
-	"Sam, Sam, Sam!  Over there behind that tree there's and elephant!
-Sam -- Get your gun -- no, no, not THAT gun -- the rifle with the longer 
-barrel!  Now aim it!  QUICK!  SAM!  QUICK!  No!  Not that way -- this way!
-Be sure you don't jerk the trigger!  Wait SAM!  Don't let him see you!  Aim
-at his head!"
-	Sam whirled around, took aim, and killed his friend.  He was put in
-prison and his psychiatrist flew to Africa to visit him.  "I sent you over
-here to kill and elephant and instead you shoot your best friend," the 
-psychiatrist said.  "Why?"
-	"Well," Sam replied, "there's only one thing in the world that I
-hate more than elephants and that is a loudmouth know-it-all!"
-%
-Save the whales.  Club a seal instead.
-%
-Scene:
-	A small boy stands agasp on the stairway overlooking the living
-	room.  A rather largish man in a big red suit with white fur and red
-	and white belled cap hunches over the fireplace, obviously interrupted
-	in filling stockings with packages taken from a huge bag slung over his
-	shoulder.  His eyebrows are raised, matter-of-factly, as he spies the
-	boy intently watching him.
-
-Caption:
-	"I'm sorry you've seen me, Billy.  Now I'll have to kill you.
-%
-Seeing a commotion in Harvard Square, a man strolled over and asked what
-was going on.  One of the onlookers explained to him that there was a Mooney
-who had immersed himself in gasoline and was threatening to set fire to
-himself to demonstrate his committment to the Rev. Moon.  The man gasped and
-asked what was being done to defuse the obviously dangerous situation.
-	"Well", replied the onlooker, "we're taking up a collection -- so
-far I've got two Bics, four Zippos and eighteen books of matches."
-%
-Seems like this guy wanders into a rural outfitting store in Alaska,
-and starts talking to a rather grizzled old man sitting by the cash
-register.
-	"Hear ya got a lotta' bears 'round here?"
-	"Yeah, you could say that," answers the old man.
-	"GRIZZLIES?!?!"
-	"A few."
-	"Got any bear bells?"
-	"What's that?"
-	"You know, them little dingle-bells ya put on yer backpack so
-bears know yer there so's they can run away ...  I'll take one fer black
-bears, and one fer them grizzlies.  Say, how do you know yer in grizzly
-country, anyhow?"
-	"Look fer scatt.  Grizzly scatt's different from black bear scatt."
-	"Well now, what's IN grizzly scatt that's different?"
-	"Bear bells."
-%
-Silly Sally was baby sitting.  But Silly Sally was getting bored.  Thinking
-a walk would help, she put the baby in his carriage.  Silly Sally pushed the
-carriage and pushed the carriage up this hill and down that one.  She pushed
-the carriage up the highest hill in town, and ALL OF A SUDDEN!  It slipped out
-of her hands (OH! NO!) and it was headed at high speed for the busiest
-intersection in town.   BUT!
-
-Silly Sally just laughed and la.....ug.......h....e....d...........
-BECAUSE!  SHE KNEW THERE WAS A STOP SIGN AT THE BOTTOM OF THE HILL!
-%
-Silly Sally was playing in the garage.  And she was being disobedient.
-She was playing with matches...  AND...  She burned down the garage.
-(OHHHHHH)  Silly Sally's mother said, "Silly Sally!  You have been naughty!
-And when your father gets home, you are going to get a good licking!"  BUT!
-
-Silly Sally just laughed and la.....ug.......h....e....d...........
-BECAUSE!  SHE KNEW HER FATHER WAS IN THE GARAGE WHEN SHE BURNED IT DOWN!
-%
-... So the documentary-makers stick with sharks.  Generally, their procedure
-is to scatter bleeding fish pieces around their boat, so as to infest the
-waters.  I would estimate that the primary food source of sharks today is
-bleeding fish pieces scattered by people making documentaries.  Once the
-sharks arrive, they are generally fairly listless.  The general shark
-attitude seems to be: "Oh God, another documentary." So the divers have to
-somehow goad them into attacking, under the guise of Scientific Research.
-"We know very little about the effect of electricity on sharks," the
-narrator will say, in a deeply scientific voice.  "That is why Todd is going
-to jab this Great White in the testicles with a cattle prod." The divers
-keep this kind of thing up until the shark finally gets irritated and snaps
-at them, and then they act as though this was a totally unexpected and very
-dangerous development, although clearly it is what they wanted all along.
-		-- Dave Barry, "The Wonders of Sharks on TV"
-%
-Some people call them "cars" or "trucks;" I call them "dimensional
-transmogrifiers" because they change three-dimensional cats into
-two-dimensional ones.
-		-- F. Frederick Skitty
-%
-Sometimes it happens.  People just explode.  Natural causes.
-		-- Repo Man
-%
-Support mental health or I'LL KILL YOU!!!!
-%
-Support the American Kidney Foundation.  Don't wear your motorcycle helmet.
-%
-Thanksgiving Day.
-
-Let all give humble, hearty, and sincere thanks, now, but the turkeys.  In the
-island of Fiji they do not use turkeys; they use plumbers.  It does not become
-you and me to sneer at Fiji.
-		-- Mark Twain, "Pudd'nhead Wilson's Calendar"
-%
--- THE BATES MOTEL --
-					... convenient
-					...      clean
-					...       cozy
-
-	Norman, knock loudly,
-	     I'm in the shower.
-
-		M.
-%
-The first Great Steward, Parrafin the Climber, was employed in King
-Chloroplast's kitchen as second scullery boy when the old King met a tragic
-death.  He apparently fell backward by accident on a dozen salad forks.
-Simultaneously the true heir, his son Carotene, mysteriously fled the city,
-complaining of some sort of plot and a lot of threatening notes left on his
-breakfast tray.  At the time, this looked suspicious what with his father's
-death, and Carotene was suspected of foul play.  Then the rest of the King's
-relatives began to drop dead one after the other in an odd fashion.  Some
-were found strangled with dishrags and some succumbed to food poisoning.  A
-few were found drowned in the soup vats, and one was attacked by assailants
-unknown and beaten to death with a pot roast.  At least three appear to have
-thrown themselves backward on salad forks, perhaps in a noble gesture of
-grief over the King's untimely end.  Finally there was no one left in Minas
-Troney who was either eligible or willing to wear the accursed crown, and
-the rule of Twodor was up for grabs.  The scullery slave Parrafin bravely
-accepted the Stewardship of Twodor until that day when a lineal descendant
-of Carotene's returns to reclaim his rightful throne, conquer Twodor's
-enemies, and revamp the postal system.
-		-- Bored of the Rings, "Harvard Lampoon"
-%
-The first guy that rats gets a belly-full of slugs in the head.  Understand?
-		-- Joey Glimco, trade unionist
-%
-	The foreman of a lumber camp put a new workman on the circular saw.
-As he turned away, he heard the man say, "Ouch!".
-	"What happened?"
-	"Dunno," replied the man.  "I just stuck out my hand like this, and
--- well, I'll be damned.  There goes another one!"
-%
-The Fortune Travel Agency offers a special... Vacation in Hell!
-	-- Grace Kelly drives you to the airport.
-	-- Thurman Munson flies you to a remote tropical island.
-	-- Ted Kennedy's your chauffeur on the island.
-	-- You go yachting with Natalie Wood.
-	-- You have drinks with William Holden.
-	-- And Roman Polanski stays at home and watches your kids.
-%
-The greatest joy a man can know is to conquer his enemies and drive them
-before him.  To ride their horses and take away their possessions.  To see
-the faces of those who were dear to them bedewed with tears, and to clasp
-their wives and daughters to his arms.
-		-- Genghis Khan
-%
-"The hell with the prime directive!  Let's kill something!"
-%
-The honeymooning couple agreed it was a fine day for horseback riding.
-After a mile or so, the bride's mount cantered under a low tree and a
-branch scraped her forehead lightly.  The groom dismounted, glared at his
-wife's horse, and said, "That's number one."
-	The ride then proceeded.  After another mile or so, the bride's
-horse stumbled over a pebble and the lady suffered a slight jostling.
-Again, her man leapt from his saddle and strode over to the nervous animal.
-"That's two," he said.
-	Five miles later, the bride's horse became frightened when a rabbit
-crossed its path, reared up and threw the girl.  Immediately, the groom was
-off his horse.  "That's three!", he shouted, and, pulling out a pistol, he
-shot the horse between the eyes.
-	"You brute!" shrieked his bride.  "Now I see the kind of man I
-married!  You're a sadist, that's what!"
-	The groom turned to her coolly.  "That's one," he said.
-%
-The human race has been fascinated by sharks for as long as I can remember.
-Just like the bluebird feeding its young, or the spider struggling to weave
-its perfect web, or the buttercup blooming in spring, the shark reveals to
-us yet another of the infinite and wonderful facets of nature, namely the
-facet that it can bite your head off.  This causes us humans to feel a
-certain degree of awe.
-		-- Dave Barry, "The Wonders of Sharks on TV"
-%
-The Least Successful Animal Rescue
-	The firemen's strike of 1978 made possible one of the great animal
-rescue attempts of all time.  Valiantly, the British Army had taken over
-emergency firefighting and on 14 January they were called out by an elderly
-lady in South London to retrieve her cat which had become trapped up a
-tree.  They arrived with impressive haste and soon discharged their duty.
-So grateful was the lady that she invited them all in for tea.  Driving off
-later, with fond farewells completed, they ran over the cat and killed it.
-		-- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures"
-%
-The man standing at the bar (in court, unfortunately) was well-dressed,
-alert and obviously intelligent.  The judge asked him how he pleaded to
-the charge of rape and, much to the magistrate's surprise, he replied,
-"Not guilty by reason of insanity, your Honor."
-	"Insanity?" exclaimed the judge.
-	"Yes, sir," said the defendant.  "I'm just crazy about it."
-%
-The most winning woman I ever knew was hanged for poisoning three little
-children for their insurance money.
-		-- Sherlock Holmes
-%
-The people of Halifax invented the trampoline.  During the Victorian
-period the tripe-dressers of Halifax stretched tripe across a large wooden
-frame and jumped up and down on it to `tender and dress' it.  The tripoline,
-as they called it, degenerated into becoming the apparatus for a spectator
-sport.
-
-The people of Halifax also invented the harmonium, a device for
-castrating pigs during Sunday service.
-		-- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"
-%
-The Psblurtex is an 18-inch long anaconda that hides in the gentlemen's
-outfitting departments of Amazonian stores and is often bought by
-mistake since its colors are those of the London Reform Club.  Once
-tied around its victim's neck, it strangles him gently and then claims
-the insurance before running off to Germany where it lives in hiding.
-		-- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"
-%
-The Schwine-Kitzenger Institute study of 47 men over the age of 100
-showed that all had these things in common:
-
-	(1) They all had moderate appetites.
-	(2) They all came from middle class homes
-	(3) All but two of them were dead.
-%
-		The Snack
-
-"Oh my God," screamed Mommy, "You went and ate the Baby."
-
-"What baby?" asked Daddy.  "You know that's just the last of the leftover 
-	donkey."
-
-"Donkey, my ass!" said Mommy with some sentience.  "Do you think I don't
-	recognize my own baby?  Why I can still see his little privates
-	caught in the gap between your front teeth.  How many times have I
-	told you to take only what's on the *top* two shelves of the freezer?"
-
-"But there wasn't a thing to eat," cried Daddy.
-	"And am I not the master of my own?"
-
-"Nothing to eat?
-	What about the elephant testicles in aspic that I put up for you
-	just last week in the ball jar?  Our very first baby, too," wailed
-	Mommy, "that I was saving for Christmas dinner."
-
-"Testicles, testicles," said Daddy.  "A man gets tired of testicles."
-		-- L.L. Zeiger
-%
-The sooner all the animals are dead, the sooner we'll find their money.
-		-- Ed Bluestone, The National Lampoon
-%
-The Truth Shall Rape You Over.
-		-- Caltech
-%
-The Worst Homing Pigeon
-	This historic bird was released in Pembrokeshire in June 1953 and was
-expected to reach its base that evening.  It was returned by post, dead,
-in a cardboard box eleven years later from Brazil.
-		-- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures"
-%
-	Then there's the atmosphere -- half the time you can eat the air,
-it's got so much stuff floating around in it.  It takes the edge out of
-the colors.  Down here even the traffic lights are pastel.  And people!
-With a lot of these folks you'd have to check their green cards just to
-make sure that they are Earthlings.  Then there's the police.  In Portland,
-when some guy goes bananas, the cops rope off a sixteen block area around
-him and call a shrink from the medical school who stands atop a patrol car
-with a megaphone and shouts, "OK! THIS!  ALL!  STARTED!  WHEN!  YOU!  WERE!
-THREE! YEARS!  OLD!  ON!  ACCOUNT! OF!  YOUR MOTHER!  RIGHT?  SO!  LET'S!
-TALK! ABOUT!  IT!"  Down here they don't waste that kind of time.  The LAPD
-has SWAT teams composed of guys who make Darth Vader look like Mr. Peepers.
-Before they go to bust a bookie joint they mortar it first.
-		-- M. Christensen, "A Portland Innocent in LA"
-%
-There appears before you a threatening figure clad all over in heavy black
-armor.  His legs seem like the massive trunk of the oak tree.  His broad
-shoulders and helmeted head loom high over your own puny frame and you
-realize that his powerful arms could easily crush the very life from your
-body.  There hangs from his belt a veritable arsenal of deadly weapons:
-sword, mace, ball and chain, dagger, lance, and trident.
-He speaks with a commanding voice:
-
-		"YOU SHALL NOT PASS"
-
-As he grabs you by the neck all grows dim about you.
-%
-There are four kinds of homicide: felonious, excusable, justifiable,
-and praiseworthy ...
-		-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
-%
-There are very few personal problems that cannot be solved through a
-suitable application of high explosives.
-%
-There is this trouble about special providences--namely, there is so often a
-doubt as to which party was intended to be the beneficiary.  In the case of the
-children, the bears and the prophet, the bears got more real satisfaction out
-of the episode than the prophet did, because they got the children.
-		-- Mark Twain, "Pudd'nhead Wilson's Calendar"
-%
-There once was a king who ruled his country long, wisely, and well.  The
-king had a son whom he hoped would someday rule the land.  He also wished
-in his heart that the son ould be wise and compassionate.  One day he said
-to the prince:
-	"If you promised that you would give a certain woman anything, even
-half of your kingdom, and then she demanded the life of your best friend,
-what would your decision be, my son?"
-	The young prince thought for a moment and then said, "I would tell
-her that she was my best friend, and cut her head off."
-	The king knew that his son would be a great king.
-%
-	There was a knock on the door.  Mrs. Miffin opened it.  "Are
-you the Widow Miffin?" a small boy asked.
-	"I'm Mrs. Miffin," she replied, "but I'm not a widow."
-	"Oh, no?" replied the little boy.  "Wait 'til you see what
-they're carrying upstairs!"
-%
-There was a man who enjoyed playing golf, and could occasionallly put up
-with taking in a round with his wife.  One time (with his wife along) he
-was having an extremely bad round.  On the 12th hole, he sliced a drive
-over by a grounds-keepers' shack.  Although he did not have a clear shot
-to the green, his wife noticed that there were two doors on the shack,
-and there was a possibility that, if both doors were opened, he might be
-able to hit through.  Without hesitation, he instructed his wife to go
-around to the other side and open the far door.  Sure enough, this gave
-him a clear path to the green.  He stepped up to his ball and prepared
-to hit.  His wife had been standing by the far door waiting for him to
-hit through.  After a moment, she became curious and stuck her head in
-the doorway, to see what he was doing.  At that exact moment, the husband
-cracked a three-wood that hit his wife square on the forehead, killing
-her instantly.  A few weeks later, the man was playing a round at the same
-course, this time with a friend of his.  Once again on the 12th hole, he
-sliced his drive to the shack.  His friend suggested that he might be able
-to hit through, if he was to open both doors.
-	"Nah", replied the man, "Last time I did that I took a 7".
-%
-They couldn't hit an elephant at this dist...
-		-- Civil War General John Sedgwick, his last words
-		   Battle of Spotsylvania Court House, 1864
-%
-"They spend years searching for their natural parents, convinced their
-parents will be happy to see them.  I mean, really, can you imagine someone 
-being happy to see an orphan?  Nobody wants them... that's why they're orphans!"
-	The speaker is Anne Baker, founder and guiding force behind
-Orphan-Off, an organization dedicated to keeping orphans confused about the 
-whereabouts of their natural parents.  She is a woman with a mission:
-	"Basically, what we do is band together to exchange information
-about which orphans are looking for which parents in what part of the
-country.  We're completely computerized.
-	"The idea is to throw the orphans as many red herrings and false
-leads as possible.  We'll tell some twenty-three-year-old loser that his
-real parents can be found at a certain address on the other side of the
-country.  Well, by the time the kid shows up, the family is prepared.  They
-look over the kid's photos and information and they say, 'Oh, the Emersons...
-yeah, they used to live here... I think they moved out about five years ago.
-I think they went to Iowa, or maybe Idaho.'
-	"Bam, the door shuts in the kid's face and he's back to zero again.  
-He's got nothing to go on but the orphan's pathetic determination to continue.
-	"It's really amazing how much these kids will put up with.  Last year
-we even sent one kid all the way to Australia.  I mean, really.  Besides, if
-your natural parents were Australian, would you want to meet them?"
-		-- "National Lampoon", September, 1984
-%
-They Tore Out My Heart and Stomped That Sucker Flat
-		-- Book title by Lewis Grizzard
-%
-They're an insidious bunch, your killer pianos.  Had one get loose on me
-back in '62.  It slipped out of the cables while we were lowering it out
-of its twelfth story apartment, and crushed six innocents in an insane bid
-for freedom.
-		-- Stig's Inferno
-%
-	This guy is walking down the beach one fine sunny day, feeling
-good, when suddenly he sees this woman with no arms or legs in a wheelchair,
-sobbing  like crazy.  He decides to be gallant, "What's wrong, miss?"
-	"I...<sob, sniffle>...I'm 21 and I <choke> I've never been kissed...
-<sniffle>"
-	So this guy, he decides, what the hell, let's cheer up the poor lady.
-He leans over and gives her a long wonderful kiss.  This does wonders, and
-the woman's face lights up and she grins from ear to ear, and the guy wanders
-away feeling wonderful.
-	Well, next week, the same guy is walking along the same beach, and
-sees the same girl who is once again sobbing her eyes out.  Gallant to the
-end, our hero says, "What's wrong, miss, can I help?"
-	"I...I'm <sob, sniffle, sniffle> 21 and I've never been fucked..."
-	The guy picks her up out of her chair, cuddles her close, and brings
-her over to the shore, and throws her into the water.  "Now you're fucked!"
-%
-... this is an awesome sight.  The entire rebel resistance buried under six
-million hardbound copies of "The Naked Lunch."
-		-- The Firesign Theater
-%
-This is supposed to be a 'appy occasion.  Let's not BICKER and ARGUE over
-'oo killed 'oo!
-		-- Monty Python and the Holy Grail
-%
-This one is for all you military types.  For those who don't know, Rangers
-are *extremely* well trained members of the U.S. Army.  Marines are people
-who start out as normal soldiers and then are made to believe that bullets
-don't actually hurt.
-	One day a platoon of Marines are on patrol when they come upon a
-Ranger relaxing on top of a small hill. The Ranger puts his hands on his
-hips and screams out, "Do any of you seaweed sucking jarheads think you're
-man enough to take me on?"
-	The biggest Marine comes running up the hill, screaming back at the
-Ranger.  When he gets to the top he simply plows into his foe and the two
-tumble down the other side of the hill, out of sight.  There is the sound of
-a horrendous fight for a moment or two, and then all is quiet.  Soon, the
-Ranger reappears, quite untouched.  He puts his hands on his hips and sneers,
-"Well, looks to me like one of you couldn't do it, how about the rest?"
-	The enraged Marine platoon leader sends his entire platoon (30+men)
-charging after the Ranger.  They all go tumbling down the far side of the hill.
-After 15 minutes of screaming and yelling and cursing a lone, bloodied Marine
-crawls over the top of the hill. The platoon leader yells up to his man,
-"What's going on up there?" The wounded Marine, with his last bit of breath,
-replies, "Sir, it's a... a trap, sir.  There're two of them!"
-%
-This yuppie, see, was in a car wreck.  His BMW was mangled, and so was he.
-The paramedic was leaning over him getting his vitals, and all the yup
-could groan was "My BMW!  My BMW!"
-	The paramedic tried to quiet the man, pointing out that his car
-wasn't his chief concern at the moment, especially as he'd been rearranged
-pretty badly himself -- for example, his left arm was severed at the elbow
-and was lying about twenty feet away.
-	There was a moment of stunned silence from the yup followed by
-"Oh no!  My Rolex!  My Rolex!"
-%
-TO ME, CLOWNS AREN'T FUNNY. In fact, they're kinda scary. I've wondered
-where this started, and I think it goes back to the time I went to the
-circus and a clown killed my dad.
-		-- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988.
-%
-Two pirates are sitting in a seaside tavern, talking.  One of them has a
-hook instead of a hand, and an eye patch.  The other pirate has a wooden
-leg.  Over a few beers, they start to tell each other how they received their
-injuries.
-	"One day," says the first pirate, "we had pulled alongside a merchant
-vessel and were boarding her.  I had my sword drawn when suddenly a man with
-a saber caught me by surprise and cut my hand off.  So I had this hook put
-on.  How did you lose your leg?"
-	"From a broadside of grapeshot from an English military vessel, in a
-terrific battle off the coast of France.  And how about your eye?"
-	"Well, I don't really like to talk about it," said the first pirate.
-	"Come on," says the second pirate.  "It doesn't matter after all
-these years, does it?"
-	"Oh, okay," says the first pirate.  "See, it's pretty embarrassing;
-a seagull shit in my eye."
-	"A seagull!?  I can see how that would hurt, but I don't see why
-you would *lose* the eye..."
-	"But," the first pirate says, "it was my first day with the hook."
-%
-Two recent emigrants to the United States, on their first day off the boat
-in New York City, spied a hotdog vendor.  "Do they eat dogs in America?"
-one asked his companion.
-	"I don't know."
-	"Well, if we're going to live in America, we have to learn to eat
-American foods."
-	So they each bought a wax paper wrapped hotdog and sat down to eat
-them on a nearby park bench.  One man looked inside his wax paper, then over
-at the other man, and asked, "So, what part did you get?"
-%
-Unbearably lovely music is heard as the curtain rises, and we see the
-woods on a summer afternoon.  A fawn dances on and nibbles at some
-leaves.  He drifts lazily through the soft foliage.  Soon he starts
-coughing and drops dead.
-		-- Woody Allen, "Without Feathers"
-%
-	Upon reading a story about a man who throttled his mother-in-law, a
-man commented, "Sounds to me like a practical choker."
-%
-Warning: Trespassers will be shot.  Survivors will be shot again.
-%
-We are simple killers of people and destroyers of property.
-%
-We found on St. Paul's only two kinds of birds -- the booby and the noddy...
-Both are of a tame and stupid disposition, and are so unaccustomed to visitors,
-that I could have killed any number of them with my geological hammer.
-		-- Charles Darwin
-%
-"We had it tough ... I had to get up at 9 o'clock at night, half an
-hour before I went to bed, eat a lump of dry poison, work 29 hours down
-mill, and when we came home our Dad would kill us, and dance about on
-our grave singing Halelleuia ..."
-		-- Monty Python
-%
-We ought to be very grateful that we have tools.  Millions of years ago
-people did not have them, and home projects were extremely difficult. For
-example, when a primitive person wanted to put up paneling, he had to drive
-the little paneling nails into the cave wall with his bare fist, so
-generally the paneling wound up getting spattered with primitive blood,
-which isn't really all that bad when you consider how ugly paneling is to
-begin with.
-		-- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw"
-%
-We're deep into the holiday gift-giving season, as you can tell from the
-fact that everywhere you look, you see jolly old St. Nick urging you to
-purchase things, to the point where you want to slug him right in his bowl
-full of jelly.
-		-- Dave Barry, "Simple, Homespun Gifts"
-%
-	"We've decided to have the budgie put down."
-	"Oh, is he very old then?"
-	"No, we just don't like him."
-	"Oh.  How do they put budgies down anyway?"
-	"Well, it's funny you should be asking that, as I've been reading a
-great big book called `How to put your budgie down'.  And as I understand it,
-you can either hit them over the head with the book, or shoot them there, just
-above the beak."
-	"Mrs. Conkers flushed hers down the loo."
-	"Oh, you don't want to do that, because they breed in the sewers and
-pretty soon you get huge evil smelling flocks of soiled budgies flying out
-of people's lavatories infringing their personal freedoms."
-		-- Monty Python
-%
-Welcome thy neighbor into thy fallout shelter.  He'll come in handy if
-you run out of food.
-		-- Dean McLaughlin.
-%
-	"Well, it's a little rough... it might not be necessary to drag him 40 
-blocks.  Maybe just four.  You could put him in the trunk for the first 36 
-blocks, then haul him out and drag him the last four; that would certainly 
-scare the piss out of him, bumping alone the street, feeling all his skin being
-ripped off..."
-	"He'd be a bloody mess.  They might think he was just some drunk and
-let him lie there all night."
-	"Don't worry about that.  They have a guard station in front of the
-White House that's open 24 hours a day.  The guards would recognize Colson...
-and by that time of course his wife would have called the cops and reported
-that a bunch of thugs had kidnapped him."
-	"Wouldn't it be a little kinder if you drove about four more blocks
-and stopped at a phone box to ring the hospital and say, 'Would you mind going
-around to the front of the White House?  There's a naked man lying outside
-in the street, bleeding to death...'"
-	"... and we think it's Mr. Colson."
-	"It would be quite a story for the newspapers, wouldn't it?"
-	"Yeah, I think it's safe to say we'd see some headlines on that one."
-		-- Hunter Thompson, talking to R. Steadman on C. Colson,
-		   ex-Marine captain, now born again, of Watergate fame.
-%
-"Well, well, well!  Well if it isn't fat stinking billy goat Billy Boy in
-poison!  How art thou, thou globby bottle of cheap stinking chip oil?  Come
-and get one in the yarbles, if ya have any yarbles, ya eunuch jelly thou!"
-		-- Alex in "Clockwork Orange"
-%
-What happens if a big asteroid hits Earth?  Judging from realistic simulations
-involving a sledge hammer and a common laboratory frog, we can assume it will
-be pretty bad.
-		-- Dave Barry
-%
-What is this line of duty, and suffering?  You are not supposed to suffer
-if you are an assassin.  The other person is supposed to suffer.
-		-- Chiun, glory of the name of Sinanju, teacher of the youth
-		   from outside Sinanju named Remo.
-%
-What you mean, how old am I?  About one hundred!  But Viennese answer is
-better: we say, "I keep passing the open windows."  This is an old joke.
-There was a street clown called King of the Mice: he trained rodents, he
-did horoscopes, he could impersonate Napoleon, he could make dogs fart
-on command.  One night he jumped out his window with all his pets in a box.
-Written on the box was this: "Life is serious, but art is fun!"  I hear his
-funeral was a party.  A street artist had killed himself.  Nobody had
-supported him but now everybody missed him.  Now who would make the dogs
-make music and the mice pant?  The bear knows this, too: it is hard work
-and great art to make life not so serious.
-		-- John Irving "The Hotel New Hampshire"
-%
-When arguments fail, use a blackjack.
-		-- Edward "Spike" O'Donnell, Al Capone associate.
-%
-When I kill, the only thing I feel is recoil.
-%
-When I was a child...  We had a quick-sand box in the backyard...
-I was an only child...  eventually.
-		-- Steven Wright
-%
-When I was a kid I said to my father one afternoon, "Daddy, will you take me
-to the zoo?" He answered, "If the zoo wants you let them come and get you."
-		-- Jerry Lewis
-%
-When I was a kid my favorite relative was Uncle Caveman.  After school we'd
-all go play in his cave, and every once in a while he would eat one of us.
-It wasn't until later that I found out that Uncle Caveman was a bear.
-		-- Jack Handley
-%
-When I was eight years old I came home with tears in my eyes because some
-kids had stolen my samwich.  My father handed me an ice pick, and said,
-"Next time, hit 'em first and hit 'em hard."
-		-- Jake LaMotta
-%
-When I was seven years old, I was once reprimanded by my mother for an
-act of collective brutality in which I had been involved at school.  A
-group of seven-year-olds had been teasing and tormenting a six-year-old.
-"It is always so," my mother said.  "You do things together which not one
-of you would think of doing alone." ... Wherever one looks in the world
-of human organization, collective responsibility brings a lowering of
-moral standards.  The military establishment is an extreme case, an
-organization which seems to have been expressly designed to make it
-possible for people to do things together which nobody in his right mind
-would do alone.
-		-- Freeman Dyson, "Weapons and Hope"
-%
-When President Paul Doumer of France was assassinated in Paris in 1932,
-newspapers differed in their versions of the event.  This is from "Paris
-was Yesterday: 1925-1939" by Janet Flanner, edited by Irving Drutman.
-
-	Taste varied as to his cry when he was shot down, the more popular
-	papers preferring his despairing "Oh, la la!," the graver dailies
-	favoring "Is it possible?"  What few reported were his dying words:
-	"But what kind of chauffeur was it?"  Having been told by his aides
-	not that he had been shot but that he had been struck by a taxi, the
-	President spent the last conscious moments of his life wondering how
-	how an automobile got into the charity book sale at the Maison
-	Rothschild, where his assassination occurred.
-%
-When the Ngdanga tribe of West Africa hold their moon love ceremonies,
-the men of the tribe bang their heads on sacred trees until they get a
-nose bleed, which usually cures them of ____that.
-		-- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"
-%
-When the usher noticed a man stretched across three seats in a movie theatre,
-he walked over and whispered, "I'm sorry, sir, but you're allowed only a single
-seat." The man moaned, but did not budge.  "Sir," the user said more loudly,
-"if you don't move, I'll have to call a manager."  The man moaned again but
-stayed where he was. The usher left, and returned with the manager, who, after
-several more attempts at dislodging the fellow, called the police.
-	The cop took a look at the reclining man and said, "All right, boyo,
-what's your name?"
-	"Samuel," he mumbled.
-	"And where're you from, Sam?"
-	"The balcony."
-%
-	When you have shot and killed a man you have in some measure
-clarified your attitude toward him.  You have given a definite answer
-to a definite problem.  For better or worse you have acted decisively.
-
-	In a way, the next move is up to him.
-		-- R. A. Lafferty
-%
-WHEN YOU'RE RIDING IN A TIME MACHINE way far into the future, don't stick
-your elbow out the window or it'll turn into a fossil.
-		-- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988.
-%
-When you've seen one nuclear war, you've seen them all.
-%
-Whenever I see an old lady slip and fall on a wet sidewalk, my first instinct
-is to laugh.  But then I think, what if I was an ant, and she fell on me.
-Then it wouldn't seem quite so funny.
-		-- Jack Handley
-%
-Where there's a whip there's a way.
-%
-... which reminds me of the Carrot family: Ma Carrot, Pa Carrot, and Baby
-Carrot.  One fine spring day they decided to go out for a picnic.  They all
-piled into their carrot-mobile and drive out to the country.  But Pa Carrot
-wasn't watching where he was going and alas, he hit an oil slick and skidded
-right into a tree.  Ma and Pa Carrot escaped with a few cuts and bruises, but
-poor Baby Carrot got broken in two.  They frantically rushed him to the
-hospital and immediately the doctors started operating in a desperate attempt
-to save Baby Carrot's life.  Ma and Pa Carrot were beside themselves with
-anxiety ... would poor little Baby Carrot make it?
-	After hours of waiting the doctor finally emerges, bleary-eyed and
-barely able to walk.
-	"Is he all right, is he all right?" Pa Carrot frantically stammers.
-	"Well, I have some good news and some bad news," replies the doctor.
-	Ma and Pa Carrot look at each other and blurt out, nearly in unison,
-"The good news first!"
-	"All right, the good news is that Baby Carrot will live."
-	"And the bad news?  What's the bad news about our Baby Carrot?"
-The doctor puts his hand on Pa Carrot's shoulder and solemnly looks him in
-the eye.  "Your son will live... but... he'll be a vegetable for the rest of
-his life."
-%
-Which would you rather have, a bursting planet or an earthquake here and there?
-		-- John Joseph Lynch
-%
-Why does man kill?  He kills for food.  And not only food: frequently
-there must be a beverage.
-		-- Woody Allen, "Without Feathers"
-%
-Why don't elephants eat penguins ?
-
-Because they can't get the wrappers off ...
-%
-Wood is highly ecological, since trees are a renewable resource.  If you cut
-down a tree, another will grow in its place.  And if you cut down the new
-tree, still another will grow.  And if you cut down that tree, yet another
-will grow, only this one will be a mutation with long, poisonous tentacles
-and revenge in its heart, and it will sit there in the forest, cackling and
-making elaborate plans for when you come back.
-
-Wood heat is not new.  It dates back to a day millions of years ago, when a
-group of cavemen were sitting around, watching dinosaurs rot. Suddenly,
-lightning struck a nearby log and set it on fire.  One of the cavemen stared
-at the fire for a few minutes, then said: "Hey!  Wood heat!" The other
-cavemen, who did not understand English, immediately beat him to death with
-stones.  But the key discovery had been made, and from that day forward, the
-cavemen had all the heat they needed, although their insurance rates went
-way up.
-		-- Dave Barry, "Postpetroleum Guzzler"
-%
-Yeah, if it looks like a duck, and walks like a duck, and quacks like a duck
--- shoot it.
-%
-You can imagine my embarrassment when I killed the wrong guy.
-		-- Joe Valachi
-%
-You can't go into the ring and be a nice guy.  I would go a month, two
-months, without having sex.  It worked for me because it made me a
-vicious animal. You can't fight if you have any compassion or anything
-like that.
-		-- Jake LaMotta
-%
-You can't say civilization don't advance... in every war they kill you a
-new way.
-		-- Will Rogers
-%
-You know what I wish?  I wish all the scum of the Earth had one throat
-and I had my hands about it.
-		-- Rorschach, "Watchmen"
-%
-You should never ride in an airplane with a sports team, because if the
-plane goes down, it's you they're gonna eat!
-		-- Gordon Downie, singer for Tragically Hip
-%
-	Your home electrical system is basically a bunch of wires that bring
-electricity into your home and take if back out before it has a chance to
-kill you.  This is called a "circuit".  The most common home electrical
-problem is when the circuit is broken by a "circuit breaker"; this causes
-the electricity to back up in one of the wires until it bursts out of an
-outlet in the form of sparks, which can damage your carpet.  The best way
-to avoid broken circuits is to change your fuses regularly.
-	Another common problem is that the lights flicker.  This sometimes
-means that your electrical system is inadequate, but more often it means
-that your home is possessed by demons, in which case you'll need to get a
-caulking gun and some caulking.  If you're not sure whether your house is
-possessed, see "The Amityville Horror", a fine documentary film based on an
-actual book.  Or call in a licensed electrician, who is trained to spot the
-signs of demonic possession, such as blood coming down the stairs, enormous
-cats on the dinette table, etc.
-		-- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw"
-%
-	"Your son still sliding down the banisters?"
-	"We wound barbed wire around them."
-	"That stop him?"
-	"No, but it sure slowed him up."
-%