fortune-teller 0.1.2 → 0.3.0

package/fortunes/off/unrotated/privates

@@ -1,1015 +0,0 @@
-A certain bartender decided to try to get a few new customers into his bar
-by starting a gimmick involving a horse.  His claim was that if anyone could
-get the horse to laugh, he would give them drinks on the house.  The idea
-worked well and business improved until one night a young man walked in and
-whispered in the horse's ear.  The horse immediately burst into hysterical
-laughter and the man won the contest.  The next night the same thing
-happened: the man whispered in the horse's ear and the horse burst out
-laughing.  The next night, the bartender decided to change the rules.  Now,
-a person had to get the horse to cry in order to win the drinks on the
-house.  Later on that night, the same guy came in and said "Can I take the
-horse into the bathroom for a minute?  I promise I'll make him cry."  The
-bartender agreed and sure enough, when the man came out leading the horse,
-the horse was crying his eyes out.  The bartender could take it no more and
-said, "How did you make him laugh the other two nights?"
-	"I told him that my dick was bigger than his", replied the man.
-	"How did you make him cry tonight?"
-	"I proved it."
-%
-A child can go only so far in life without potty training.  It is not
-mere coincidence that six of the last seven presidents were potty
-trained, not to mention nearly half of the nation's state legislators.
-		-- Dave Barry
-%
-A couple took their young son for his first visit to the circus, and by
-chance their seats were next to the elephant pen.  When his father left
-to buy popcorn, the boy piped up,
-	"Mom, what's that long thing on the elephant?"
-	"That's the elephant's trunk, dear," she replied.
-	"No, not that."
-	"Oh, that's the elephant's tail."
-	"No, Mom.  Down underneath."
-	His mother blushed and said, "Oh, that's nothing."
-	Pretty soon the father returned, and the mother went off to get
-a soda.  As soon as she had left the boy repeated his question.
-	"That's the elephant's trunk, son."
-	"Dad, I know what an elephant's trunk is.  The thing at the
-other end."
-	"Oh, that's the elephant's tail."
-	"No.  Down there."
-	The father took a good look and explained, "That's the elephant's
-penis."
-	"Dad, how come when I asked Mom, she said it was nothing?"
-	The man took a deep breath and replied, "Son, I've *spoiled*
-that woman."
-%
-A cowboy, his horse and his dog were captured by hostile Indians.
-This wasn't really a problem for the animals as the Indians can always use
-them, but the cowboy is informed that he will be burned at the stake the
-following sunrise.  That evening, the Indian chief tells the cowboy that
-he can one last wish, within reason, of course, before meeting his fate
-the following morning.  The cowboy replies that all he really wants is to
-see his faithful dog, Rex, one last time.  When the dog is brought by the
-Indians, the cowboy hugs his companion and whispers something into his ear.
-At once the dog runs off over the hill.  Amazingly enough, a few hours later,
-he returns, accompanied by some two dozen prostitutes from a nearby town.
-Needless to say, the braves are delighted and as a reward offer the cowboy
-his dog to keep him company through the rest of the night.  When the dog is
-brought forth the cowboy again runs his hand over Rex's head and then bends
-down to whisper into his ear: "This may be my last chance, Rex, so get it
-right this time -- go into town and get the posse!"
-%
-A figure with curves always offers a lot of interesting angles.
-%
-	A great American Olympic wrestler was receiving last-minute advice
-from his coach about the upcoming match with the Soviet Champion.
- 	"This Russian guy is really good, very strong and quick.  But I think
-you can take him.  Remember, though, like I've told you before, don't let
-him get you in the Pretzel hold.  With his strength you'd never get out."
-	The American leaps onto the mat, and within moments the two behemoths
-are going crazy, struggling to get each other pinned.  The American slowly
-gains ground and appears that he might actually win on points alone, when, in
-the blink of an eye, the Russian reverses him and whips him into the fatal
-Pretzel hold.
-	The coach, off by the side, shakes his head in dismay, and sits down
-on the bench with his head between his hands.  All of a sudden, there's a
-scream and the two wrestlers fly apart, the American regaining control and
-pinning the Russian.  After the match, in the dressing room, the coach
-finally gets the winner alone.  "Great job!  But how the hell did you get out
-of the Pretzel Hold?  I thought it was over for sure!"
- 	"Well, I did too.  I was in the hold, about to be pinned, when I saw
-this huge pair of testicles hanging right in front of my eyes.  I figured
-what the hell, so I stretched forward and bit them as hard as I could.  Coach,
-you just don't know your own strength 'til you've bitten your own balls!"
-%
-	A group of soldiers being prepared for a practice landing on a tropical
-island were warned of the one danger the island held, a poisonous snake that
-could be readily identified by its alternating orange and black bands.  They
-were instructed, should they find one of these snakes, to grab the tail end of
-the snake with one hand and slide the other hand up the body of the snake to
-the snake's head.  Then, forcefully, bend the thumb above the snake's head
-downward to break the snake's spine.  All went well for the landing, the
-charge up the beach, and the move into the jungle.  At one foxhole site, two
-men were starting to dig and wondering what had happened to their partner.
-Suddenly he staggered out of the underbrush, uniform in shreds, covered with
-blood.  He collapsed to the ground.  His buddies were so shocked they could
-only blurt out, "What happened?"
-	"I ran from the beachhead to the edge of the jungle, and, as I hit the
-ground, I saw an orange and black striped snake right in front of me.  I
-grabbed its tail end with my left hand.  I placed my right hand above my left
-hand.  I held firmly with my left hand and slid my right hand up the body of
-the snake.  When I reached the head of the snake I flicked my right thumb down
-to break the snake's spine... did you ever goose a tiger?"
-%
-A man is talking to his wife when he mentions that there's a "Big Dick"
-contest at one of the bars in town and the prize for the winner is $1000.
-	"Oh, honey," she exclaims, "I don't want you taking that thing
-out in public!"
-	"But baby," he says, "$1000 is a lot of money."
-	"I don't care!" she says, stamping her foot.  "I don't want you
-showing that thing to everybody."
-	And the subject isn't mentioned again, until the following evening
-when he hands her $1000.
-	"Did you enter the contest, even after I told you I didn't want
-you to?" she asks.
-	"Please forgive me, turtle dove," he says.  "I thought we could use
-the money."
-	"You mean you took that thing out for everybody to see?" she says,
-tears welling up in her eyes.
-	"Only enough to win, honey, only enough to win."
-%
-	A man walks into a bar with a Leprechaun on his shoulder.  He walks
-up to the bar and sits down, ordering a beer for himself and one for the
-little Leprechaun.
-	After a few beers, the Leprechaun jumps down off the guy's shoulder,
-struts down the bar and comes to a stop in front of a rather large construction
-worker.  Looking the guy right in the eye, he gives him a rather large, damp,
-Bronx cheer.  And trots back to sit on his buddy's shoulder.  The worker is
-pretty upset, but decides to shine on this rather offensive breach of manners.
-	After another beer and a half though, the Leprechaun hops down and
-walks over to his previous victim and goes "PPPPHHHHHHHBBBBTTTTTT" again.
-Well, that's too much, and the victim knocks the Leprechaun off the bar and,
-after walking over to stand very close to the Leprechaun's escort, tells him
-in a rather overloud voice, that if it happens again, he's going to "cut off
-his little dick!"
-	Replies the escort, "Leprechauns don't have dicks."
-	"Yeah?  Well, then," asks the big man, how does he take a piss?"
-	"PPPPHHHHHHHBBBBTTTTTT!!!!"
-%
-A man walks into the doctor's office and the doctor says to him, "I've got
-some good news and some bad news."
-	"Tell me the good news first" the patient replies.
-	"The good news is that your penis is going to be about two inches
-longer and about an inch wider," the doctor says.
-	"That's great!" says his patient.  "What's the bad news?"
-	"Malignant."
-%
-A man went to a doctor to have his penis enlarged.  Well, this 
-particular procedure involved splicing a baby elephant's trunk onto the 
-man's penis.  Overjoyed, the man went out with his best girl to a very 
-fancy restaurant.  After cocktails, the man's penis crept out of his pants, 
-felt around the table, grabbed a hard roll and quickly disappeared under 
-the tablecloth.  The girl was startled and exclaimed, "What was that?"
-	Suddenly the penis came back, took another hard roll and just as
-quickly disappeared.  The girl was silent for a moment, then finally said,
-"I don't believe I saw what I think I just saw... can you do that again?"
-	With a bit of an uncomfortable smile the man replied, "Honey, I'd
-like to, but I don't think my ass can take another hard roll!"
-%
-A man with no arms walked into a bar and asked for a beer.  The bartender
-shoved the foaming glass in front of him.
-	"Look," said the customer, "I have no arms -- would you please hold
-the glass for me?
-	"Sure," said the bartender.
-	"If," said the customer, "you'll reach in my right hand coat pocket,
-you'll find the money for the beer."
-	The bartender got the money and rang up the bill.
-	"You've been very kind," said the customer. "Just one thing more.
-Where is the men's room?"
-	"Up the street to the light," said the bartender, "turn left, walk
-two blocks, and there's a gas station on the corner."
-%
-A man's father is very, very old, and the son can't afford very good treatment
-for him, so he's in a rather shabby, run-down nursing home.  One day the son
-wins a lottery -- and the first thing he does is install his father in the best
-old age home that money can buy.
-	On the first day the old man is sitting watching TV, and he starts
-to lean a little bit to one side.  Right away a nurse runs over and gently
-straightens the old man.  A little later he's eating dinner, and when he
-finishes, he begins to tip a little bit to one side.  Another nurse runs
-over and gently pushes him upright again.
-	The son visits his father later that evening and asks him how he's
-being treated.
-	"It's a wonderful place, son," replies the father.  "I really like
-it here, gourmet food, color TV's in every room, the service is unbelievable,
-there's just one little problem."
-	"What's that, Dad?"
-	"They won't let you fart."
-%
-A mouse was sniffing around in a meadow, when an eagle swooped down,
-swallowed him whole, and rose up in the air again.  The mouse worked
-his way through until his head was sticking out of the bird's asshole.
-	"Say, good buddy," he squeaked, "how high up are we, anyway?"
-	"Oh, about two thousand feet," answered the eagle.
-	The mouse's eyes bugged out.  "Hey, you wouldn't shit me, would you?"
-%
-A proctologist is a doctor who puts in a hard day at the orifice.
-%
-A son takes his Italian immigrant father to his first baseball game.  It
-happens that it's Old Timer's Day at Yankee stadium and all the baseball
-greats are there.  The son escorts his father to box seats right on the
-third base line and seats him with beer and a Yankees cap.
-	The first batter up is Mickey Mantle.  On the second pitch he
-swings that bat and CRACK!  The ball ricochets off the wall for a double.
-The crowd goes crazy and the father stands up and yells, "Runna Mickey!
-Runna Mickey!"
-	The next batter up is Joe DiMaggio.  The pitcher, pitching him
-carefully, works him to a 3-2 count and just misses the outside corner.
-	"Ball four!" yells the umpire and Joe tosses his bat aside and begins
-to walk to first base.
-	The father yells out, "Runna Joe!  Runna Joe!"
-	"No, no, Pop," corrects his son.  "He got four balls.  He walks."
-	And the old man clenches his fist and says solemnly, "Walka proud
-Joe.  Walka proud."
-%
-A stately-looking matron was walking through the Bronx Zoo, studying the
-animals.  When she passed the porcupine enclosure she beckoned to a nearby
-attendant.
-	"Young man," she began, "do North American porcupines have sharper
-pricks than those raised in Africa?"
-	The attendant hesitated for a moment.  "Well, ma'am," he answered,
-"the African porcupine's quills are sharper... but I think their pricks are 
-about the same."
-%
-A traveling circus was performing in a small town, around the turn of the
-century, when many of the circus animals were still considered to be very
-rare and exotic.  One night one of the elephants escaped.  It was hungry
-and found a garden in a little old lady's backyard.  The woman, who had
-never before seen an elephant, was hysterical and called the police.
-
-Little Old Lady:  "There's a *huge* monster in my garden!
-Police:	"Calm down, ma'am, everything will be all right.  Now exactly what
-	does it look like?"
-LOL:	"It's a dark color and it's tremendous!  It's pulling up my
-	vegetables with its tail!"
-Police:	"With its tail?  Then what's it doing?"
-LOL:	"You wouldn't believe me if I told you!"
-%
-	A white man was traveling with Indian (American) out West.  The
-Indian stops, puts his ear to the ground, and says, "Buffalo come."
-	The white man looks around in all directions, sees nothing for
-miles and asks the Indian how the hell he knows that.
-	Replies the Indian, "Ear wet."
-		-- Lily Tomlin, "The Search for Signs of Intelligent
-		   Life in the Universe"
-%
-A woman had a followup visit with her doctor after his prescribing fairly high
-dosages of testosterone (a male hormone) for her.  She was a little worried
-about some of the side effects she was experiencing.
-	"Doctor Keyes, the hormones you've been giving me have helped a lot
-with my menopausal symptoms, but I'm really afraid that you're giving me too
-much.  I've started growing hair in places that I've never grown hair before!"
-	The doctor reassured her. "A little hair growth is a perfectly normal
-side effect of testosterone.  Just where has this hair appeared?"
-	"On my balls."
-%
-A young boy is told by his puritanical father than he should never have
-sex with a woman, because a woman has teeth in her vagina and will bite
-off his penis.
-	The years go by, and the boy finally marries.  After a rather
-uninspiring honeymoon his wife finally confronts him and demands that he
-tell her why he won't make love to her.
-	"Well, honey," he replies.  "You have... teeth... down there."
-	"What!?" she replies unbelievingly.  "No I don't!  Honest, darling,
-come here and look for yourself."
-	The man rather hesitantly examines her very thoroughly.
-	"There!" his wife says triumphantly.  "Now do you believe me?"
-	"Yes," replied her husband.  "And your gums are in *terrible*
-condition."
-%
-A young lady friend of mine just swallowed a razor blade...
-She performed a tonsillectomy, an appendectomy, a hysterectomy,
-three circumcisions, and cut off the finger of a casual friend.
-%
-Adopting the metric system would have certain psychological advantages --
-such as being able to claim 18 centimeters instead of seven inches.
-%
-All jobs should be open to everybody, unless they actually require a
-penis or a vagina.
-		-- Florynce Kennedy
-
-There are really not many jobs that actually require a penis
-or a vagina, and all other occupations should be open to everyone.
-		-- Gloria Steinem
-%
-An old maid wanted to travel by bus to the pet cemetery with the
-remains of her cat.  As she boarded the bus, she whispered to the
-driver, "I have a dead pussy."
-
-The driver pointed to the woman in the seat behind him and said, "Sit
-with my wife.  You two have a lot in common."
-%
-And now, the Bing Crosby show, brought to you by the makers of Ex-Lax.
-... a brief pause, and then Bing!
-%
-Anything more than three shakes is for fun.
-%
-Build a better mousetrap, the saying goes -- and with the brassiere, Yankee 
-Ingenuity did exactly that.  But their true stroke of genius was the new bait.
-The old fashioned mousetrap was loaded with cheese; nobody cares much about 
-cheese, except mice.  But when American know-how reloaded the brassiere with 
-tits, every heterosexual male in the country was hopelessly trapped.
-		-- Alan Sherman, "The Rape of the A*P*E*"
-%
-Captain Hook died of jock itch.
-%
-"Carefully study these two enlarged photographs on display, Mr. Rafferty,"
-the attorney for a politician suing a newspaper for libel instructed his
-client on the witness stand, "and indicate which is your ass and which is
-a hole in the ground."
-%
-Crito, I owe a cock to Asclepius; will you remember to pay the debt?
-		-- Socrates' last words
-%
-Desperate about the state of her social life, a young woman resorted
-to the Personal Ads in the back of her local paper.  In the ad she made it
-quite clear that what she was advertising for was an expert lover; she already
-had plenty of sensitive friends and meaningful relationships and what she
-now wanted was to get laid, to put it bluntly.  Phone calls started coming
-in, with each caller testifying to his sexual prowess, but none quite struck 
-the young woman's fancy.  Until one night her doorbell rang.  Opening the door 
-she found a man with no arms or legs, who informed her that he was there in 
-response to her advertisement.  "I'm terribly sorry," she stammered, "but my 
-ad was quite explicit.  I'm really looking for something of a sexual expert, 
-and you... uh... don't have all the..."
-
-"Listen," the man interrupted her, "I rang the doorbell, didn't I?"
-%
-Diet Mountain Dew has the same pH and density of urine.
-		-- Newsweek, 31 July, 1989
-%
-Due to a mixup in urology, orange juice will not be served this morning.
-%
-Eat prune yogurt for that "get up and go" feeling.
-%
-	Ever thought of putting a ferret down your pants?  Yes, ferrets,
-those weasel-like animals originally trained to hunt rats and possessing
-needle sharp claws and razor sharp teeth.  The English do it for sport.
-	Ferret Legging involves the tying of a competitors's trousers at
-the ankles and then dropping into the trousers a couple of vicious ferrets.
-No jockstraps or underwear allowed -- nothing but the bodies' own.  The
-ferrets must be young and in good condition.  Neither the ferret or the
-contestant may be drugged or drunk -- cold eyed sober only.  The trousers
-should be loose fitting, to allow the ferret to scramble from one leg to
-the other, and are traditionally white, so that the blood shows better.
-	Normal contestants are able to keep them down for up to 40 seconds.
-The champion ferret legger, Reg Mellor, of Yorkshire, holds the world record
-of 5 hours and 26 minutes.  Mr. Mellor's claims that being the champion is
-not so much heroism but, "You just got to be able to have your tool bitten
-and not care."
-%
-Fat dirty farts came spluttering out of your backside.  You had an arse full
-of farts that night, darling, and I fucked them out of you, big fat fellows,
-long windy ones, quick little merry cracks...
-		-- James Joyce
-%
-Four men had been playing golf together for twenty years.  After their usual
-Saturday game one week, one of the men joined the other three for a post-game
-shower for the first time.  His friends were surprised - "For twenty years",
-one of them says, "you haven't showered after our game, you've just waited for
-us in the clubhouse.  Why the sudden change?"
-	"Well", replies their friend, "I was born with a fairly unusual
-medical condition.  I had both a penis and a vagina.  Last month I finally
-decided to have the vagina removed."
-	The other three men look at him in disbelief and disgust.  "You
-mean," snaps one of them, "you could have played from the women's tee all
-these years?"
-%
-From the outset, the blind date was a fiasco and it was intensified by the
-fact that the fellow was too insensitive and ego-ridden to realize it.  The
-moment of truth came in the supper club as he clutched the girl's thigh and
-whispered,
-	"Baby, how's about our cutting out to my pad so I can slip you nine
-inches?"
-There was a moment of silence, and then the girl said,
-	"You know, I really don't think you could get it up three times
-in a row!"
-%
-Good day for water sports.  Take a bath with a friend.
-%
-Grownups are reluctant to take science fiction seriously, and with good
-reason: sci-fi is a hormonal activity, not a literary one.  Its traditional
-concerns are all pubescent.  Secondary sexual characteristics are everywhere,
-disguised.  Aliens have tentacles.  Telepathy allows you to have sex without
-any nasty inconvenience of touching.  Womblike spaceships provide balanced
-meals.  No one ever has to grow old -- body parts are replaceable, like
-Job's daughters, and if you're lucky you can become a robot.  As for the
-adult world, it's simply not there; political systems tend to be naively
-authoritarian (there are more lords in science fiction than on public
-television) and are often ruled by young boys on quests.  The most popular
-sci-fi book in years, Frank Herbert's Dune, sold millions of copies by
-combining all these themes: it ends with its adolescent hero conquering the
-universe while straddling a giant worm.
-		-- Arnold Klein
-%
-Half the posts to this group are about masturbation and the other half
-are about penis size.  And what I want to know is, if all you're doing
-is jerking off, why do you care how big it is?
-		-- From alt.sex
-%
-Halt!!  Who goes there, friend or enema?
-%
-Harry came into work on Monday feeling absolutely fine, and so was astonished
-when his secretary urged him to lie down on the sofa; even more so when his
-boss took one look at him and ordered him to take the day, if not the week,
-off.  Even his poker buddies wouldn't have anything to do with him, insisting
-that he go straight to bed.  Finally, tired of resisting everyone's advice,
-he went to see his doctor, who took one look at him and rushed over with
-a stretcher.
-	"But doctor," he protested, "I feel fine."
-Well, this was a puzzler, conceded the doctor, who proceeded to refer to the
-enormous reference tomes behind his desk, muttering to himself.
-	"Looks good, feels good...  No, you look like hell.  Looks good,
-feels terrible...  Nah, you feel fine, right?"
-Thumbing furiously through another volume, he said,
-	"Looks terrible, feels terrible...  Nope, that won't do it either."
-Finally, "Looks terrible, feels terrific... Aha!!  You're a vagina!"
-%
-He carried me over the stream, striding through the current, his strong,
-muscular, thighs scarcely hesitating as he sure-footedly forded the water.
-But what was that bulge, small, oblong, solid, that might have been, say,
-a pocket camera?
-		-- An Exciting Journey
-%
-He who farts in church must sit in his own pew.
-%
-Her figure described a set of parabolas that could cause cardiac arrest
-in a yak.
-		-- Woody Allen
-%
-HOW TO REMOVE STAINS -- #28
-	Semen stains can be removed from computer terminals with
-	Fantastik or the like.  Use Windex on the glass however, and
-	be sure to turn the power off if you have to clean between
-	the keys.
-%
-I can't believe that out of 100,000 sperm, you were the quickest.
-		-- Steven Pearl
-%
-I choked Linda Lovelace.
-%
-I continued wetting my bed for a long time, not just out of contrariness,
-but to have the pleasure of feeling my warm urine running down my legs
-and wallowing in its odor.
-		-- Salvador Dali
-%
-	I don't want to say that she had big tits, but one day I asked her
-just how big they was, and she said, "7 and 7/8".
-	I said, "7 and 7/8?!  What did you measure 'em with?"
-	And she replied, "A Stetson."
-%
-I know what you're up to, you white-feathered fiend!
-Go release your bowels on some lesser personage!
-		-- W.C. Fields, upon seeing a bird overhead
-%
-"I need a camel that can go without water for at least three weeks,"
-the American said to an Algerian camel merchant.  "Is it possible?"
-	"All things are possible," replied the merchant.  He proceeded to
-take a camel out of his barn and lead him to a tank of water.  After the
-camel had drunk its fill and was about to lift its head out of the tank,
-the merchant picked up two nearby bricks, one in each hand, stepped behind
-the camel, and smacked his testicles with the bricks.
-	The camel let out a gigantic "Whhoooosh!" and sucked up what seemed
-like twenty more gallons of water.
-	The American stared incredulously at the camel merchant.  "My God,
-man!" he exclaimed, "doesn't that hurt?!"
-	The merchant shrugged.  "Only if you get your thumbs in between the
-bricks."
-%
-I tell ya, I knew my morning wasn't going right.   When I put on my shirt
-the button fell off, when I picked up my briefcase, the handle fell off,
-I tell ya, I was afraid to go to the bathroom.
-		-- Rodney Dangerfield
-%
-I walked on toward Ploughwright, thinking about feces.  What a lot we had
-found out about the prehistoric past from the study of fossilized dung of
-long-vanished animals.  A miraculous thing, really; a recovery from the
-past from what was carelessly rejected.  And in the Middle Ages, how
-concerned people who lived close to the world of nature were with the
-feces of animals.  And what a variety of names they had for them: the
-Crotels of a Hare, the Friants of a Boar, the Spraints of an Otter, the
-Werderobe of a Badger, the Waggying of a Fox, the Fumets of a Deer.
-Surely there might be some words for the material so near to the heart of
-Ozy Froats [an academic studying feces] than shit? What about the
-Problems of a President, the Backward Passes of a Footballer, the
-Deferrals of a Dean, the Odd Volumes of a Librarian, the Footnotes of a
-Ph.D., the Low Grades of a Freshman, the Anxieties of an Untenured Professor?
-		-- Robertson Davies, "The Rebel Angels"
-%
-I was a cock-teaser at Rooster Rama.  
-I used to enrage the bantams before the big bouts.
-		-- Firesign Theatre
-%
-I was toilet-trained at gunpoint.
-		-- Billy Braver
-%
-I will not be briefed or debriefed, my underwear is my own.
-%
-I'm not laughing behind your back; everything funny is in front!
-		-- Rodney Dangerfield's wife
-%
-In France they piss on Main Street.  (In pissoirs, Mama, not cheap display).
-		-- Joni Mitchell
-%
-In outer space, nobody can hear you fart.
-%
-It is recounted that at King's College in the Strand around the time of the
-war, the Chief of Services would inevitably begin the year's rounds by
-teaching "a singularly important principle of medicine."  He asked a nurse
-to fetch him a sample of urine.  He then talked at length about Diabetes
-mellitus. "Diabetes," he said, "is a greek name; but the Romans noticed that
-the bees like the urine of diabetics, so they added the word mellitus which
-means sweet as honey.  Well, as you know, you may find sugar in the urine
-of a diabetic ..."
-	By now the nurse had returned with a sample of urine which the
-registrar promptly held up like a trophy.  We stared at that straw-colored
-fluid as if we had never seen such a thing before.  The registrar then
-startled us.  He dipped a finger boldly into the urine, then licked his
-finger with the tip of his tongue.  As if tasting wine, he opened and closed
-his lips rapidly.  Could he perhaps detect a faint taste of sugar?  The sample
-was passed on to us for an opinion.  We all dipped a finger into the fluid,
-all of us foolishly licked that finger.
-	"Now," said the Registrar grinning, "You have learnt the first
-principle of diagnosis.  I mean the power of observation."  We were baffled.
-We stood near the sluice room outside the ward, and in the distance, some
-anonymous patient was explosively coughing. "You see," the registrar said
-continuing triumphantly, "I dipped my MIDDLE finger into the urine, but
-licked my INDEX finger -- not like all you chaps.
-%
-It takes leather balls to play rugby.
-	(Blood makes the grass grow!)
-%
-It was at the eighth annual mouse convention and mice from near and far had
-gathered for the ball.  A pretty little female mouse waltzed by the stag
-line and one of the males whistled a low, dirty whistle to himself.
-Turning to  another mouse he said, "Look at the legs on that bitch, aren't
-they beautiful?"
-	"Just fair," was the answer.
-	"You're crazy," said the first mouse and then turning to another,
-asked his opinion.
-	"They're nice," said the third mouse, "but nothing to get excited
-about."
-	"Some mice have no appreciation," exclaimed the first mouse.  "Now
-you," he said to a fourth mouse, "what did you think?"
-	"To tell you the truth," was the reply, "I'm no authority on legs;
-I'm a tit mouse myself."
-%
-Joan, the rather well-proportioned secretary, spent almost all of
-her vacation sunbathing on the roof of her hotel.  She wore a bathing suit
-the frist day, but on the second, she decided that no one could see her
-way up there, and she slipped out of it for an overall tan.  She'd hardly
-begun when she heard someone running up the stairs; she was lying on her
-stomach, so she just pulled a towel over her rear.
-	"Excuse me, miss," said the flustered little assistant manager of
-the hotel, out of breath from running up the stairs.  "The Hilton doesn't
-mind your sunbathing on the roof, but we would very much appreciate your
-wearing a bathing suit as you did yesterday."
-	"What difference does it make," Joan asked rather calmly.  "No one
-can see me up here, and besides, I'm covered with a towel."
-	"Not exactly," said the embarrassed little man.  "You're lying on
-the dining room skylight."
-%
-Konrad Lorenz, the great animal behaviorist, was scrupulous about cultivating
-fruitful confusion.  Lorenz lived among his research subjects:  dozens of
-species of mammals, birds, reptiles, and fishes.  He did not quantify, control,
-or consciously experiment.  He got to know each creature individually, then
-threw them together, watching for the unexpected, the unusual, or the bizarre
-in the chaos that followed.  For example, his interest in one of ethology's
-most important concepts, that of intention movements (motions with meaning,
-such as the head bobbing in birds that serves as an alarm signal before
-flight), derived from an inadvertent experiment.  He had trained a free-flying
-raven to eat raw meat from his hand and had been feeding the bird for several
-hours one day.  He would reach into his pants pocket and take out a piece of
-meat, and the raven would swoop down to grab it in its bill.  By and by, Lorenz
-went to relieve himself near a hedge.  When the raven saw him put his hand
-into his pants and pull out another morsel of meat, it swooped down, hungrily
-grasping the new mouthful in its bill.  Lorenz howled in pain.  But the event
-left a deep impression on him -- about how faithfully animals respond to
-intention movements, that is.
-		-- The Sciences, May/June, 1988, N.Y. Academy of Science.
-%
-Ladies, here's a hint: If you're playing against a friend who has big
-boobs, bring her to the net and make her hit backhand volleys.  That's
-the hardest shot for the well endowed.  "I've got to hit over them or
-under them, but I can't hit through," Annie Jones used to always moan
-to me.  Not having much in my bra, I found it hard to sympathize with her.
-		-- Billie Jean King
-%
-Lady to Golf Pro: "I was stung by bees on your golf course!"
-Pro:	"Ummm, well, where?"
-Lady:	"Between the 1st and 2nd holes."
-Pro:	"That's going to real tough to treat."
-%
-... like, what do they mean when they say 'feminine protection'?  What's that?
-A chartreuse flamethrower?
-		-- Opus
-%
-Man in stall:
-	Hey, buddy?  Is there any toilet paper out there?
-Man at sink:
-	No, I don't see any.  Just a second...  Nope, none in
-	any of the other stalls either.
-A minute passes.
-Man in stall:
-	Say, buddy?
-Man at sink:
-	Yeah?
-Man in stall:
-	You got change for a ten?
-%
-Man who dance in crowded ballroom dance cheek to cheek with woman behind him.
-%
-Man who keep money in jockstrap has financial matters all balled up.
-%
-Many a bachelor feels the need to insert his masculinity.
-%
-May Allah blow sand in your Preparation H.
-%
-May the fairy god-camel leave a lump on your pillow!
-%
-Maybe if the guy who developed Twinkies hadn't had such a low
-opinion of himself they would have been an inch or two longer!
-%
-"Mind you, not as bad as the night Archie Pettigrew ate some sheep's testicles
-for a bet...  God, that bloody sheep kicked him!"
-		-- Ripping Yarns
-%
-	Mr. Hersh came home to find his wife sitting naked in front of the
-mirror, admiring her breasts.
-	"And what do you think you're doing?" he asked.
-	"I went to the doctor today and he said I have the breasts of a 
-twenty-five-year-old."
-	"Oh yeah?  And what did he have to say about your forty-year-old ass?"
-	"Nothing," she replied. "Your name didn't come up at all."
-%
-Mr. Rection, Mr. Hugh G. Rection, please pick up a white courtesy telephone!
-%
-My mother didn't breast-feed me.  She said she liked me as a friend.
-		-- Rodney Dangerfield
-%
-My wife has breast cancer.  She told me to start dating.
-		-- Howard Stern
-%
-Naked children are so perfectly pure and lovely.  I confess I do not admire
-naked boys.  They always seem to me to need clothes -- whereas one hardly
-sees why the lovely forms of girls should ever be covered up.
-		-- Lewis Carroll
-%
-Naked couple in bed, woman says to man:
-	"When I said I had a foot fetish, I was referring to cocks."
-%
-Oh, ya doesn't have ta call me 'Johnson'!  Well, you can call me 'Ray', or
-you can call me 'Jay', or you can call me 'R.J.', or you can call me 'Ray
-J.', or you can call me 'R.J.J.', or you can call me 'Ray J. Johnson', or
-you can call me 'R.J. Johnson', but ya DOESN'T have to call me 'Johnson'...
-%
-Once in a medieval times...there was a King who was getting sort of
-bored after dinner one night.  He decided to hold a contest of who at the
-court had the mightiest "weapon".  The first knight stood up and proclaimed
-that he had the mightiest weapon... he pulled down his pants and tied a 5
-pound weight around it.  The weapon doth rose.  The crowds cheered... the
-women swooned... the children waved multi-colored banners... and the band
-played appropriate music.
-	Another knight stood up and claimed that he had the mightiest weapon.
-He dropped his pants and tied a 10 pound weight to himself.  The weapon doth
-rose. The crowds cheered... the women swooned... the children waved
-multi-colored banners...  and the band played appropriate music.
-	After several more knights tried to prove their superiority...  the
-King finally spoke out. "I have the mightiest weapon of them all!" He dropped
-his pants and tied, not a 10 pound, not a 20 pound, not ever a thirty pound,
-but a 40 pound weight, plus a coffe pot, to himself. The weapon doth rose.
-The crowds cheered...  the women swooned... the children waved multi-colored
-banners... and the band played "God Save the Queen."
-%
-Once you've got them by the balls, their hearts and minds will follow.
-%
-One day a mouse was driving along the road in his Mercedes when he heard an
-anguished roaring noise coming from the side of the road.  Stopping the car,
-he got out and discovered a lion stuck in a deep ditch and roaring for help.
-Reassuring the lion, the mouse tied a rope around the axle of the Mercedes,
-threw the other end down to the lion, and pulled the beast out of the ditch.
-The lion thanked the mouse profusely and they went their separate ways.
-	Two months later the lion was out for a stroll in the country when
-he heard a panicked squeaking coming from the side of the road.  Investigating
-the noise, what should he come across but the mouse stuck in the same hole.
-"Oh, please help me, Mr. Lion," squeaked the terrified mouse.  "I saved you
-with my car once, remember?"
-	"Course I'll help you, little fellow," roared the lion.  "I'll just
-lower my dick down to you, you hold on to it, and we'll have you out of there
-in a jiffy."  Sure enough, a few minutes later the mouse was high and dry on
-the roadside, trying to convey his eternal gratitude to the lion.
-	"Don't give it another thought," said the lion kindly.  "It just goes
-to show that if you've got a big dick, you don't need a Mercedes."
-%
-One day, in a bar, a young man walks in with a little dwarf about one foot
-tall on his shoulder and orders a beer.  The bartender serves the man a beer;
-to his astonishment, the little guy walks down the man's arm, takes a swallow
-of the brew and spits it in his face.  After a few minutes the customer
-orders another beer and the exact same thing happens.  Well, by this time,
-the bartender is getting pretty upset; he figures that the man should take
-care of the dwarf.  So he asks the guy, "Why are you letting that guy drink
-all your beer and spit it in my face?"
-	"Well, sir, when I was on a contract in Saudi Arabia I met this genie
-and he granted me three wishes.  I asked for a million dollars, the most
-beautiful woman in the world, and a twelve-inch prick.
-%
-One who does not know a burro from a burrow does not know his ass from a
-hole in the ground!
-%
-Opinions are like assholes -- everyone's got one, but nobody wants to look
-at the other guy's.
-		-- Hal Hickman
-%
-						PLAYGIRL, Inc.
-						Philadelphia, Pa.  19369
-
-Dear Sir:
-	Your name has been submitted to us with your photo.  I regret to
-inform you that we will be unable to use your body in our centerfold.  On
-a scale of one to ten, your body was rated a minus two by a panel of women
-ranging in age from 60 to 75 years.  We tried to assemble a panel in the
-age bracket of 25 to 35 years, but we could not get them to stop laughing
-long enough to reach a decision.  Should the taste of the American woman
-ever change so drastically that bodies such as yours would be appropriate
-in our magazine, you will be notified by this office.  Please, don't call
-us.
-	Sympathetically,
-	Amanda L. Smith
-
-p.s.	We also want to commend you for your unusual pose.  Were you
-	wounded in the war, or do you ride your bike a lot?
-%
-Prior to this year's Rock & Roll Hall of Fame cermony, [Cash] went to
-the bathroom.  "I was standing at the urinal, and Keith Richards walked
-in...  He said, 'Look at this, I'm pissing with Johnny Cash. We need a
-picture of this.'  I said, 'No, Keith, we *don't* need a picture of this.'"
-		-- Rolling Stone interview with Johnny Cash.
-%
-Raquel Welch:		36-24-36
-Bo Derek:		35-24-36
-Ann-Margaret:		37-25-36
-Bette Middler:		37-25-36
-Marilyn Monroe:		37-24-37
-Jane Russell:		39-27-38
-Jayne Mansfield:	40-23-37
-Sophia Loren:		37-25-36
-%
-Rugby is a game played by men with peculiarly shaped balls.
-%
-Seems like this duck waddles into a pharmacy, waddles up to the prescription
-counter and rings the bell.  The pharmacist walks up and asks, "Can I help
-you?".
-	The duck replies, "Yes, I'd like a box of condoms, please."
-	"Certainly", says the pharmacist, "will that be cash or would
-you like me to put it on your bill?"
-	Snarls the duck, "Just what kind of duck do you think I am?"
-%
-Seems this fellow was suffering from terrific headaches, and went to his
-doctor about it. The physician made a number of tests, and informed the man
-that the only thing for his headaches was castration.  After a few more
-months, the headaches became so intense that the man agreed to the operation.
-Naturally enough, the ruination of his sex life depressed him tremendously,
-and he decided to purchase a new wardrobe to make himself feel better.
-He enters a men's clothing store and a salesman wanders over, looks him
-up and down, and says, "Well, let's start with shirts... 15 neck, 34 sleeve."
-	The guy is amazed.  "How'd you know?"
-	"Well, I've been here nearly 30 years, and I can tell sizes within
-a quarter inch on every piece of clothing."  The salesman's claim is borne
-out.  Slacks, 34 waist, 32 inseam; jacket: 42 long.  And so on and so forth.
-When the man has been completely outfitted he decides that he'd better buy
-some new underwear.
-	The salesman looks at him and says, "Okay, that'll be a 34."
-	"No, that's wrong," says the man.  "I've always worn a 32."  The
-salesman insists, pointing out his accuracy so far.  The man argues, agreeing
-that while he's been right so far, he has always worn a 32 in shorts.
-	Finally in exasperation, the salesman says, "Listen, I tell you,
-you *have* to wear a 34.  Otherwise, you'll get these *awful* headaches."
-%
-Short man who dance with tall woman gets bust in mouth.
-%
-	Shortly after arriving at their honeymoon destination, the
-still-nervous groom became worried about the state of his bride's innocence.
-Deciding on a direct confrontation, he quickly undressed, pointed at his
-exposed manhood and asked his mate, "Do you know what this is?"
-	Without hesitation, she blushingly answered, "That's a wee-wee."
-	Delighted at the idea of instructing his naive wife in the ways of
-love, the husband whispered, "From now on, dearest, this will be called a
-prick."
-	"Oh, come now," the girl chided.  "I've seen lots of pricks and I
-assure you, that's a wee-wee."
-%
-Sir Francis Drake circumcised the world with a 100 foot clipper.
-%
-Size counts.
-%
-Sniff sniff...  Hey!  Who farted?
-%
-Snow White:
-	"Gee guys, I've always dreamed of getting ten inches...
-	but not an inch-and-a-half at a time!
-%
-... So this is a very confusing situation, and what makes it even
-worse is, our standards keep changing.  Take Playboy magazine.  Back in the
-1950s, when I started reading it strictly for the articles, Playboy was
-considered just about the raciest thing around, even though all it ever
-showed was women's breasts.  Granted, any given one of these breasts would
-have provided adequate shelter for a family of four, but the overall effect
-was no more explicit than many publications we think nothing of today, such
-as Sports Illustrated's Annual Nipples Poking Through Swimsuits Issue.
-		-- Dave Barry, "Pornography"
-%
-Sometimes guys'll say to you, "Have a good one."  I say, "I already have
-a good one.  Now I'm looking for a longer one."
-		-- George Carlin
-%
-Success is like a fart -- only your own smells nice.
-		-- James P. Hogan
-%
-The difference between this school and a cactus plant is that the
-cactus has the pricks on the outside.
-%
-	The new patron was amazed by the cleanliness of the restaurant.  A
-waiter approached the table.  "Good afternoon, sir.  What may I serve you?"
-	"I'll have the steak dinner," the man answered.
-	As the waiter headed for the kitchen, the diner noticed that he
-wore a spotless white apron and clean white gloves.  Soon the waiter
-returned, bearing a casserole dish on a cart which he uncovered to reveal
-two tempting filet mignons.  From a covered pocket in his apron he produced
-a small pair of shining silver tongs and with them he transferred the meat
-from the steaming casserole to the diner's plate.  "We never touch anything
-with our hands," he explained.
-	The waiter continued serving.  "Confidentially," he said, "we even
-have a special set of rules about visiting the lavatory.  Do you see this
-little piece of string attached to my apron?"
-	"Yes," the diner replied.  "I noticed that all the aprons had one."
-	The waiter put a large browned potato on the plate with his tongs.
-"Well," he began, "if I should have to go to the bathroom, that string
-comes in very handily.  I simply unzip my pants and take it out with that
-piece of string.  That way everything stays sanitary."
-	"But how do you put it back?"
-	"Well, I don't know about the other guys," the waiter confided, "but
-I use the tongs."
-%
-The only way for writers to meet is to share a quick pee over a common lamppost.
-		-- Cyril Connolly, "Journal and Memoir"
-%
-The real trouble with women is that they have *all* the pussy.
-%
-The word "spine" is, of course, an anagram of "penis".  This is true in
-almost fifty percent of the languages of the Galaxy, and many people
-have attempted to explain why.  Usually these explanations get bogged
-down in silly puns about "standing erect".
-		-- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy"
-%
-	The young male race horse came from a long line of winners, and did
-wonderfully in time trials.  However, in actual races he proved a little too
-romantic, and could never quite bring himself to pass a mare.
-	So one day the trainer went to him and told him he'd have to be
-castrated.  The young horse, knowing that it was either this or the glue
-factory, took it philosophically.  After all, having the operation was
-almost a certain guarantee of a long and illustrious racing career.
-	After a short recovery period, the horse was again run in time
-trials, and found to do as well as ever.  But the first time he actually
-ran in a race, he only went about ten paces, before getting a dejected look
-on his face, turning around, and ambling back to the starting gates.
-	"What's the matter?" asked the trainer, "you were doing great!"
-	"Yeah, well how would you feel" replied the horse, "if five thousand
-people took one look at you and shouted `they're off!'?"
-%
-The young man-about-town enjoyed luxury but didn't always have the means
-to buy it, and so he huffily walked out of the Miami Beach hotel when he 
-found out the charges for room, meals and golf privileges were $300 a day.
-He registered across the street at an equally elegant hotel, where the 
-rates were only $70.  The following morning he went down to the hotel's
-golf course and asked Scotty, the pro, to sell him a couple of golf balls.
-"Sure," said Scotty.  "That'll be $25 apiece."
-	"What?" screamed the bachelor.  "In the hotel across the street
-they only charge $1 a ball!"
-	"Naturally," replied the pro.  "Over there they get you by the
-rooms."
-%
-There was once a salesman who had an outstanding record for selling tooth-
-brushes.  His boss, wondering at his unlikely success, sent a man out to
-follow the salesman on rounds to see what pitch he gave that brought such
-good results.  It was soon found that this particular salesman went to the
-corner of a busy street and opened up his briefcase, and on one side was the
-assortment of toothbrushes, and on the other side various chips and garnishes
-and a bowl of brownish stuff.  He would grab a likely customer and give them
-the following pitch.
-	"Good morning, ma'am, this is a commercial promotion for --- brand
-of chip dip.  Would you care to give it a try?"
-	At that point the person would try it, then spit it out and scream
-in utter disgust, "This tastes like shit!"
-	The salesman would smile and say, "It is.  You want to buy a
-toothbrush?"
-%
-There's a vas deferens between men and women.
-%
-	This 600-pound guy decides he can't go on living this way, so he seeks
-the help of a clinic and proceeds to go on a drastic diet.  It works: four
-months later he's down to 160 pounds and feeling great, except for one problem.
-He's covered with great folds of flesh where the fat used to be.  He calls
-up the clinic, and the doctor tells him not to worry.  "There's a special
-surgical procedure to correct this condition," the doctor assures him.  "Just
-come on over to the clinic."
-	"But doctor," the man pleads, "you don't understand.  I'm too
-embarrassed to be seen in public like this."
-	"Don't give it another thought," says the doctor.  "Simply pull up
-all the folds as high as they'll go, pile the flesh on top of your head, put
-on a top hat, and come on over."
-	The guy follows the instructions and provokes no comments until he
-reaches the clinic and is standing in front of the admitting nurse's desk,
-dying of self-consciousness.  "The doctor will be right with you," says the
-nurse.  "Say, what's that hole in the middle of your forehead?"
-	"My navel," blurts out the guy, "how d'ya like my tie?"
-%
-This fellow rushed into a crowded tavern on Saturday night.  Men and women
-stood three-deep at the bar.  Our man, who felt nature calling strongly, 
-looked about him but couldn't see anything that resembled a john.  He saw a 
-stairway and bounded up the steps to the second floor in his increasingly 
-desperate search.  Just as his bowels threatened to erupt, he spotted a 
-one-foot by one-foot hole in the floor.  Now, at the end of his control, he 
-decided to take advantage of the hole.  He dropped his pants, hunched over it, 
-and did his thing.  Thoroughly relieved and relaxed, he sauntered down the 
-steps to find, to his suprise, that the crowded bar was now empty.
-	"Hey!" he yelled to the seemingly empty room, "Where is everyone?"
-	From behind the bar a voice responded, "Hey!  Where were you when
-the shit hit the fan?"
-%
-This guy, see, was walkin' down the street sportin' two -- not one, but two
--- black eyes; a coupla real shiners.  He chanced upon his buddy walkin' th'
-other way... they stopped to talk...  "Hey guy," sez his buddy, "where'd'ja
-git them good lookin' shiners?  Musta been a helluva fight."
-	"Well, actually, I got them in church," sez he.
-	"Nowwaitaminnit," sez the friend, "nobody gits black eyes in church!"
-	"I swear I did," sez he, "and here's how it happened.  We all got up
-to sing a hymn, you see, and the fat lady in front of me got her dress all
-stuck up in the crack of her butt, so bein' as how I'm a real gennulman an'
-all, well, I leaned forward and pulled it out for her.  And you know what?
-She just turned around, hauled off and slugged me one!"
-	"Well," his buddy replies, after he can talk again, "that shore 'nuff
-explains one of 'em.  Howdja git th' other one?"
-	"Well," sez he, "like I said, I'm a gennulman, even when somebody does
-me wrong, so when I saw she didn't like it like that, I stuck it back in."
-%
-This hot and dusty cowboy rode in from the mesa, filthy and exhausted.  He
-obviously had had nothing but his horse for company for a couple of weeks
-and was looking forward to a couple of cold beers in the saloon.  Swinging
-off his horse and hitching it to the rail, the cowboy gave his horse an
-affectionate slap on the neck.  Then he astonished an old cowhand lounging
-on the porch by moving around to the horse's hindquarters, lifting up its
-tail and planting a demure kiss on its asshole.
-	"What'd you do that for?" asked the cowhand, completely repulsed.
-	"Chapped lips," said the cowboy, heading for the saloon doors.
-	"Wait a minute," said the old guy.  "Whaddaya mean, chapped lips?"
-	"Keeps ya from lickin' 'em," explained the cowboy.
-%
-Tonight's piss is tommorrow's Tang.
-		-- An American astronaut
-%
-Two Peace Corps doctors who had just returned to a stateside hospital
-were in front of the main desk in the midst of a heated argument that
-went along these lines:
-	(1st doctor)	"No, no, no! It's 'waaaahmmmb'"
-	(2nd doctor)	"No you're wrong! It's 'woooooommmb'"
-and this continued for quite sometime.
-	Finally a nurse stepped in and said: "The correct pronunciation is
-'womb'" and trotted off.
-	(1st doctor)	"That shows you what she knows."
-	(2nd doctor)	"Yeah.  I bet she's never even SEEN a hippopotamus,
-let alone heard one fart underwater."
-%
-USENET is like a herd of performing elephants with diarrhea --
-massive, difficult to redirect, awe-inspiring, entertaining, and
-a source of mind-boggling amounts of excrement when you least
-expect it.
-		-- Gene Spafford
-%
-Well, God gave me a bust.  What am I supposed to do with it?
-		-- Martha Mitchell
-%
-What a man enjoys most about a woman's clothes are his fantasies of how
-she would look without them.
-		-- Brendan Francis
-%
-While away at a convention, an executive happened to meet a young woman who
-was pretty, chic, and intelligent.  When he persuaded her to disrobe in his
-hotel room, he found out she had a superb body as well.  Unfortunately, as
-will happen, the executive sadly found himself unable to perform.
-	On his first night home, the executive padded naked from the shower
-into the bedroom to find his wife swathed in a rumpled bathrobe, her hair
-curled, her face creamed, munching candy loudly as she pored through a movie
-magazine.  And then, without warning, he felt the onset of a magnificent
-erection. 
-	Looking down at his throbbing member, he snarled, "Why you ungrateful,
-mixed-up, son-of-a-bitch!  Now I know why they call you a prick!"
-%
-Why not, for example, offer a brand-new Mustang convertible to every girl
-who consents to having her Fallopian tubes tied in a Gordian knot?  ... It
-would have the additional benefit of eliminating from the gene pool those
-stupid enough to consent to such a deal.
-		-- Edward Abbey
-%
-Working hard around here is like pissing on yourself in a dark suit;
-you get a warm feeling but nobody notices.
-%
-Would you rather have a 5-inch hard or an 8-inch floppy?
-%
-Ya know, Quaker Oats make you feel good twice!
-%
-You are witty, charming, handsome and above average in length.
-%
-You know what burns my ass?  A flame about three feet high.
-%
-You should be a hemorrhoid, you're such a pain in the ass.
-%