fortune-teller 0.1.2 → 0.3.0

package/fortunes/off/unrotated/politics

@@ -1,2018 +0,0 @@
-A bureaucracy is like a septic tank -- all the really big shits float
-to the top.
-%
-A chubby man with a white beard and a red suit will approach you soon.
-Avoid him.  He's a Commie.
-%
-A conservative is a man who believes that nothing should be done for
-the first time.
-		-- Alfred E. Wiggam
-%
-A conservative is a man who is too cowardly to fight and too fat to run.
-		-- Elbert Hubbard
-%
-A conservative is a man with two perfectly good legs who has never
-learned to walk.
-		-- Franklin D. Roosevelt
-%
-A decade after Vietnam, we still cannot understand why "their"
-Salvadorans fight better than "our" Salvadorans.  It is not a matter of
-their training or their equipment.  It has to do with the quality of the
-society we are asking them to risk death defending.  The metaphor of the
-domino obscures this reality, and the cost our self-imposed blindness
-is high.  San Salvador is closer to Saigon than to Munich.
-		-- William LeoGrande, "New York Times", 3/9/83
-%
-A friendly message from your Internal Revenue Service: tax time is
-coming again soon.  Bend over.
-%
-A liberal is a man too broadminded to take his own side in a quarrel.
-		-- Robert Frost
-%
-A liberal is a person whose interests aren't at stake at the moment.
-		-- Willis Player
-%
-A liberal is someone too poor to be a capitalist, and too rich to be a
-communist.
-%
-A new taste had been acquired and a new appetite began to grow.  The time
-had long since arrived to crush the technical intelligentsia, which had
-come to regard itself as too irreplaceable and had not gotten used to
-catching instructions on the wing.  In other words, we never did trust 
-the engineers - and from the very first years of the Revolution we saw to
-it that those lackeys and servants of former capitalist bosses were kept 
-in line by healthy suspicion and surveillance by the workers.
-		-- Aleksandr I. Solzhenitsyn, "The Gulag Archipelago"
-%
-A New Yorker was driving through Berkeley when he saw a big crowd gathered
-by the side of the street.  Curiousity got the better of him and he leaned
-out of his window to ask an onlooker what was going on.  The fellow explained
-that a protestor against the U.S. position in South America had doused
-himself with gasoline and set himself on fire.  "That's terrible," gasped
-the man.  "But why is everyone still standing around?"
-	"Well, they're taking up a collection for his wife and kids," the
-onlooker explained.  "Would you be willing to help?"
-	"Well, sure," replied the New Yorker.  "I suppose I could spare a
-gallon or two."
-%
-A Nixon [is preferable to] a Dean Rusk -- who will be passionately
-wrong with a high sense of consistency.
-		-- J. K. Galbraith
-%
-A non-vegetarian anti-abortionist is a contradiction in terms.
-		-- Phyllis Schlafly
-%
-A person who has both feet planted firmly in the air can be safely called
-a liberal.
-%
-A Polish worker walks into a bank to deposit his paycheck.  He has heard
-about Poland's economic problems, and he asks what would happen to his
-money if the bank collapsed.  "All of our deposits are guaranteed by the
-finance ministry, sir," the teller replies.
-	"But what if the finance ministry goes broke?" the worker asks.
-	"Then the government will intercede to protect the working class,"
-the teller says.
-	"But what if the government goes broke?" the worker asks.
-	"Our socialist comrades in the Soviet Union naturally will come
-to our assistance," the teller responds with growing irritation.
-	"And if the Soviet Union goes broke?" the worker asks.
-	"Idiot!" the teller snorts. "Isn't that worth losing one lousy
-paycheck?"
-		-- Making the rounds in Warsaw, 1984
-%
-A reactionary is a man whose political opinions always manage to keep
-up with yesterday.
-%
-A rich man told me recently that a liberal is a man who tells other
-people what to do with their money.
-		-- Imamu Amiri Baraka (Leroi Jones)
-%
-A single death is a tragedy, a million deaths is a statistic.
-		-- Joseph Stalin
-%
-... [after the announcement of Vanguard] ... Secretary of Defense Charles
-Wilson (the same "Engine Charlie" who once told the Senate, "[F]or years
-I've thought that what was good for our country was good for General Motors,
-and vice versa," probably an accurate analysis) was asked whether the
-Russians might beat the Americans into orbit.  "I wouldn't care if they
-did," he responded.  (It was later claimed that Wilson favored the
-development of the automatic transmission so that he could drive with
-one foot in his mouth.)
-		-- Smithsonian's Air&Space Magazine, "The Day the Rocket Died"
-%
-After the ground war began, captured Iraqi soldiers said any of them caught
-by superiors wearing a white T-shirt would be executed because of the ease
-with which the shirts could be used as surrender flags.  Some Iraqi soldiers
-carried bleach with them to make their dark shirts white.
-		-- Chuck Shepherd, Funny Times, May 1991
-%
-"Ah, you know the type.  They like to blame it all on the Jews or the
-Blacks, 'cause if they couldn't, they'd have to wake up to the fact
-that life's one big, scary, glorious, complex and ultimately
-unfathomable crapshoot -- and the only reason THEY can't seem to keep
-up is they're a bunch of misfits and losers."
-		-- A analysis of Neo-Nazis, from "The Badger" comic
-%
-Aide to Raygun:  Sir, the poor are outside protesting your budget cuts.
-Raygun himself:  Tell them they'll have to help themselves.
-Aide to Raygun:  Sir, the Pentagon wants another $30 billion.
-Raygun himself:  Tell them to help themselves.
-%
-Al Gore resembled a Vulcan desperately in need of a blow job.
-		-- Bobcat Goldthwait
-%
-America ... just a nation of two hundred million used car salesman
-with all the money we need to buy guns and no qualms about killing
-anybody else in the world who tries to make us uncomfortable.
-		-- Hunter S. Thompson, "Fear and Loathing on the Campaign Trail"
-%
-America is a stronger nation for the ACLU's uncompromising effort.
-		 -- President John F. Kennedy
-
-The simple rights, the civil liberties from generations of struggle must not
-be just fine words for patriotic holidays, words we subvert on weekdays, but
-living, honored rules of conduct amongst us...I'm glad the American Civil
-Liberties Union gets indignant, and I hope this will always be so.
-		 -- Senator Adlai E. Stevenson
-
-The ACLU has stood foursquare against the recurring tides of hysteria that
-from time to time threaten freedoms everyhere... Indeed, it is difficult
-to appreciate how far our freedoms might have eroded had it not been for the
-Union's valiant representation in the courts of the constitutional rights
-of people of all persuasions, no matter how unpopular or even despised
-by the majority they were at the time.
-		-- former Supreme Court Chief Justice Earl Warren
-%
-American cars are made shoddily...  Cars made overseas are far superior.
-		-- Sen. Barry Goldwater
-%
-An American tourist is visiting Russia, and he's talking with a Russian
-about the fact that not many people in Russia own cars.
-
-American:	"I can't believe you don't have cars here!  How do you
-		get to work?"
-Russian:	"We take the bus, or the subway.  We have public
-		transportation everywhere."
-A:		"Well, how do you go on vacations?"
-R:		"We take the train."
-A:		"Well, what if you want to go abroad?"
-R:		"We don't ever want go abroad."
-A:		"Well, what if you really HAVE to go abroad?"
-R:		"We take tanks."
-%
-An American, a Frenchman, and a Vietnamese refugee had a discussion about
-the happiness of life.  
-	"To me, happiness is returning home on a Monday evening, having a 
-wonderful dinner prepared by my wife, then slouching on the sofa watching
-Monday Night Football," the American said.
-	"You Americans are not romantic at all", the French injected, "Sharing
-a beautiful evening with my lover, walking along the Seine river, and having a
-romantic dinner on top of the Eiffel tower.  That is happiness of life."
-	"You call those things happiness", the Vietnamese laughed, "then you
-two still don't understand life at all.  Imagine this.  You are sleeping
-soundly at night in Saigon.  Then suddenly you hear loud knocks on your front
-door.  You hear loud voices, 'Mr. Nguyen Van Binh, open the door!'.  Quaking
-with fear, you rush out and open the door.  Right there, you see two secret
-policemen ready to handcuff you.  One of them says to you, 'Mr. Nguyen Van
-Binh, you are under arrest for your anti-revolutionary activities.  You are
-being sent to the re-educational camp tonight!'  Sweating profusely and
-shaking uncontrollably, you reply to them, 'Comrades, Mr. Nguyen Van Binh 
-lives next door.'  That moment is happiness in life, my friends.
-%
-An appeaser is one who feeds a crocodile -- hoping that it will eat him last.
-		-- Sir Winston Churchill, 1954
-%
-	An elderly man stands in line for hours at a Warsaw meat store (meat
-is severely rationed).  When the butcher comes out at the end of the day and
-announces that there is no meat left, the man flies into a rage.
-	"What is this?" he shouts.  "I fought against the Nazis, I worked hard
-all my life, I've been a loyal citizen, and now you tell me I can't even buy a
-piece of meat?  This rotten system stinks!"
-	Suddenly a thuggish man in a black leather coat sidles up and murmurs
-"Take it easy, comrade.  Remember what would have happened if you had made an
-outburst like that only a few years ago" -- and he points an imaginary gun to
-this head and pulls the trigger.
-	The old man goes home, and his wife says, "So they're out of meat
-again?"
-	"It's worse than that," he replies.  "They're out of bullets."
-		-- making the rounds in Warsaw, 1987
-%
-And what accomplished villains these old engineers were!  What diabolical
-ways to sabotage they found!  Nikolai Karlovich von Meck, of the People's
-Comissariat of Railroads ... would hold forth for hours on end about the
-economic problems involved in the construction of socialism, and he loved to
-give advice.  One such pernicious piece of advice was to increase the size
-of freight trains and not worry about heavier than average loads.  The GPU
-exposed van Meck, and he was shot: his objective had been to wear out rails
-and roadbeds, freight cars and locomotives, so as to leave the Republic
-without railroads in case of foreign military intervention!  When, not long
-afterward, the new People's Commissar of Railroads ordered that average
-loads should be increased, and even doubled and tripled them, the malicious
-engineers who protested became known as limiters ... they were rightly
-shot for their lack of faith in the possibilities of socialist transport.
-		-- Aleksandr I. Solzhenitsyn, "The Gulag Archipelago"
-%
-Announcing the NEW VAX 11/782!!
-
-Be the envy of other major Communist Governments!
-
-Defend yourself against the entire ICBM force of the imperialist USA with
-just one of the processors, at the same time you're designing missile IC's,
-cracking secret NATO codes and editing propaganda for your own people all
-at the same time with the other! (Well, you really can't, but the Americans
-think you can, and that's the point, right?)
-%
-Antique fairy tale: Little Red Riding Hood.
-Modern fairy tale: Oswald, acting alone, shot Kennedy.
-%
-Any president should have the right to shoot at least two people a year
-without explanation.
-		-- Herbert Hoover, discussing the press
-%
-Anybody has a right to evade taxes if he can get away with it.  No citizen
-has a moral obligation to assist in maintaining his government.
-		-- J.P. Morgan [Speaking, no doubt, on behalf of his highly-
-		   paid tax lawyers]
-%
-Anyone who knows history, particularly the history of Europe, will, I think,
-recognize that the domination of education or of government by any one
-particular religious faith is never a happy arrangement for the people.
-		-- Eleanor Roosevelt
-%
-"Approximately 80% of our air pollution stems from hydrocarbons released by
-vegetation, so let's not go overboard in setting and enforcing tough emissions
-standards from man-made sources."
-		-- Ronald Reagan, noted ecologist and former President
-%
-ARCHDUKE FERDINAND FOUND ALIVE -- FIRST WORLD WAR A MISTAKE
-%
-As for Carter being for registration but against the draft, isn't that
-sort of being like for putting it in and not taking it out?  Even if it
-was possible not to follow through, you'd still be getting screwed.
-%
-As long as I am mayor of this city [Jersey City, New Jersey] the great
-industries are secure.  We hear about constitutional rights, free speech
-and the free press.  Every time I hear these words I say to myself, "That
-man is a Red, that man is a Communist".  You never hear a real American
-talk like that.
-		-- Frank Hague, 1896-1956
-%
-At last, the first Soviet, artificially intelligent computer had been produced.
-The engineers did not get it, nor the physicists.  First things first: it went
-to the institute of Marxism-Leninism.
-
-"IS IT POSSIBLE TO BUILD SOCIALISM IN SWITZERLAND?" typed in one of the
-	theologians.
-"YES," replied the computer.  "BUT IT WOULD BE SUCH A PITY TO DESTROY
-	SUCH A BEAUTIFUL COUNTRY."
-%
-At twenty-six, Kate, though not promiscuous, had slept with most of the
-decent men in public life.
-		-- Renata Adler
-%
-Atlee is a very modest man.  And with reason.
-		-- Winston Churchill
-%
-"Avoid revolution or expect to get shot.  Mother and I will grieve, but
-we will gladly buy a dinner for the National Guardsman who shot you."
-		-- Dr. Paul Williamson, father of a Kent State student
-%
-Back in '80 or '81 the workers were rioting in Gdansk and there were fears
-that the Soviets would invade Poland to put down the demonstrations.  Foreign
-correspondents were curious as to just what the Poles would do if they were
-invaded.  They asked, "What will you do if the East Germans invade from the
-West and the Soviets invade from the East?  Who will you fight first?"
-	To which the Poles replied, "Why, we will fight the Germans first.
-Business before pleasure."
-%
-Because woman's work is never done and is underpaid or unpaid or boring or
-repetitious and we're the first to get the sack and what we look like is
-more important than what we do and if we get raped it's our fault and if we
-get bashed we must have provoked it and if we raise our voices we're nagging
-bitches and if we enjoy sex nymphos and if we don't we're frigid and if we
-love women it's because we can't get a "real" man and if we ask our doctor
-too many questions we're neurotic and/or pushy and if we expect community
-care for children we're selfish and if we stand up for our rights we're
-aggressive and "unfeminine" and if we don't we're typical weak females and
-if we want to get married we're out to trap a man and if we don't we're
-unnatural and because we still can't get an adequate safe contraceptive but
-men can walk on the moon and if we can't cope or don't want a pregnancy we're
-made to feel guilty about abortion and... for lots and lots of other reasons
-we are part of the women's liberation movement.
-%
-Being in politics is like being a football coach.  You have to be smart
-enough to understand the game and dumb enough to think it's important.
-		-- Eugene McCarthy
-%
-Being in the army is like being in the Boy Scouts, except that the
-Boy Scouts have adult supervision.
-		-- Blake Clark
-%
-Being the #2 man in the Justice Department under Ed Meese is akin to
-standing next to a lamp post infested with pigeons.
-		-- unamed Justice Department official
-%
-Black people have never rioted.  A riot is what white people think blacks
-are involved in when they burn stores.
-		-- Julius Lester
-%
-But among the children of the Great Society there were those whose
-skins were black.  And lo!  Their portion was niggardly, and of the fatted
-calf they were sucking hind teat...
-	Now it came to pass that a prophet rose up amongst them, and they
-called him King.  And he went unto Pharaoh and said, "Let my people go to
-the front of the bus."
-	But Pharaoh answered: "In the fullness of time and with all
-deliberate speed shall this thing come to pass.  When ye shall prove
-yourselves worthy, shall ye have your just portion -- yea, verily, like
-unto a snowball in Hell."
-		-- "The Begatting of a President"
-%
-"California is proud to be the home of the freeway."
-		-- Ronald Reagan
-%
-Calvin Coolidge looks as if he had been weaned on a pickle.
-		-- Alice Roosevelt Longworth
-%
-Calvin Coolidge was the greatest man who ever came out of Plymouth Corner,
-Vermont.
-		-- Clarence Darrow
-%
-Capitalism is the extraordinary belief that the nastiest of men, for
-the nastiest of reasons, will somehow work for the benefit of us all.
-		-- John Maynard Keynes
-%
-Civilization and profits go hand in hand.
-		-- Calvin Coolidge
-%
-Come home America.
-		-- George McGovern, 1972
-%
-Corrupt, stupid grasping functionaries will make at least as big a muddle of
-socialism as stupid, selfish and acquisitive employers can make of capitalism.
-		-- Walter Lippmann
-%
-"Dear Mr. Seldes:  I cannot remember the exact wording of the statement
-to which you allude; but what I meant was that ... a man who calls
-himself a 100% American and is proud of it, is generally 150% an idiot
-politically.  But the designations may be good business for war
-veterans.  Having bled for their country in 1861 and 1918, they have
-bled it all they could consequently.  And why not?"
-		-- George Seldes, "The Great Quotations"
-%
-Democracy can learn some things from Communism: for example, when a
-Communist politician is through, he is through.
-%
-Democracy is also a form of worship. It is the worship of Jackals by Jackasses.
-		-- H.L. Mencken
-%
-Democracy is the theory that the common people know what they want, and
-deserve to get it good and hard.
-	-- H.L. Mencken, "Little Book in C major", 1916
-%
-Democrats buy most of the books that have been banned somewhere.
-Republicans form censorship committees and read them as a group.
-
-Republicans consume three-fourths of the rutabaga produced in the USA.
-The remainder is thrown out.
-
-Republicans usually wear hats and almost always clean their paint brushes.
-
-Republicans study the financial pages of the newspaper.
-Democrats put them in the bottom of the bird cage.
-
-Most of the stuff alongside the road has been thrown out of car
-windows by Democrats.
-		-- Paul Dickson, "The Official Rules"
-%
-Do you realize the responsibility I carry?  I'm the only person standing
-between Nixon and the White House.
-		-- John F. Kennedy, in 1960
-%
-Doing business with the government is like fucking sheep.  It's easy, but
-it's not very satisfying.
-%
-Don't buy a landslide.  I don't want to have to pay for one more vote
-than I have to.
-		-- Joseph P. Kennedy, on JFK's election strategy.
-%
-Don't do the crime, if you can't do the time.
-		-- Lt. Col. Ollie North
-%
-Don't get the idea that I'm one of those goddamn radicals.  Don't get the
-idea that I'm knocking the American system.
-		-- Al Capone
-%
-Don't knock President Fillmore.  He kept us out of Vietnam.
-%
-Don't take a nickel, just hand them your business card.
-		-- Richard Daley, advising on the safe enjoyment of graft
-%
-Draft beer, not boys!
-%
-Draft beer, not people.
-%
-During the Reagan-Mondale debates:
-
-Q:	"Do you feel that a person's age affects his ability to
-	perform as president?"
-Reagan:	"I refuse to make an issue out of my opponent's youth and inexperience."
-%
-Even God cannot change the past.
-		-- Joseph Stalin
-%
-Everlasting peace will come to the world when the last man has slain
-the last but one.
-		-- Adolph Hitler
-%
-Every gun that is made, every warship launched, every rocket fired
-signifies in the final sense, a theft from those who hunger and are not
-fed, those who are cold and are not clothed.  This world in arms is not
-spending money alone.  It is spending the sweat of its laborers, the
-genius of its scientists, the hopes of its children.  This is not a way
-of life at all in any true sense.  Under the clouds of war, it is
-humanity hanging on a cross of iron.
-		-- Dwight Eisenhower, April 16, 1953
-%
-"First World" nations are the ones where people drive Japanese cars;
-"Second World" nations are where First World residents go on vacation;
-and "Third World" nations are the ones where people still dive out of
-trees to prove their manhood.
-		-- Dave Barry
-%
-"Follow me around.  I don't care.  I'm serious.  If anybody wants to put a
-tail on me, go ahead.  They'd be very bored."
-		-- Gary Hart, announcing his presidential candidacy,
-		   commenting on rumors of womanizing.
-%
-For those of you how have been looking for evidence that a working
-version of "Star Wars" can be built, consider the following proof
-offered by Caspar Weinberger:
-
-	"If such a system is so unattainable, why have the Soviets been
-	working desperately to get it for over 17 years?"
-
-		-- USA Today, 24 June 1986
-%
-Forgive your enemies, but don't forget their names.
-		-- John F. Kennedy
-%
-Gaiety is the most outstanding feature of the Soviet Union.
-		-- Joseph Stalin
-%
-Gary Hart's biggest mistake was not getting Teddy Kennedy to drive
-Donna Rice home.
-%
-George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but he
-also admitted doing it.  Now, do you know why his father didn't punish him?
-Because George still had the axe in his hand.
-%
-God has intended the great to be great and the little to be little...
-The trade unions, under the European system, destroy liberty [...] I do
-not mean to say that a dollar a day is enough to support a workingman...
-not enough to support a man and five children if he insists on smoking
-and drinking beer.  But the man who cannot live on bread and water is
-not fit to live!  A family may live on good bread and water in the
-morning, water and bread at midday, and good bread and water at night!
-		-- Rev. Henry Ward Beecher
-%
-Going into politics is as fatal to a gentleman as going into a bordello
-is fatal to a virgin.
-		-- H.L. Mencken, "A Carnival of Buncombe"
-%
-Goose pimples rose all over me, my hair stood on end, my eyes filled with
-tears of love and gratitude for this greatest of all conquerers of human
-misery and shame, and my breath came in little gasps.  If I had not known
-that the Leader would have scorned such adulation, I might have fallen to
-my knees in unashamed worship, but instead I drew myself to attention, raised
-my arm in the eternal salute of the ancient Roman Legions and repeated the
-holy words, "Heil Hitler!"
-		-- George Lincoln Rockwell
-%
-Gorbachev woke up early one morning, and felt great.  He walked over to his
-window, threw back the curtains, and saw the sun coming up.  He felt *so*
-good, he crowed, "Good Morning Sun!", and was startled when a great booming
-voice came back to him, "Good morning Comrade!  Good morning to you and
-the great Soviet Socialist Republic!".  Of course, this surprised him, but
-great politician that he is, he considers the political ramifications.
-Gorbachev then woke up Reza and his closest aides, brought them into his
-bedroom, and shouted out "Good morning, Comrade Sun!".  Again a booming reply,
-"Good morning, Comrade.  Good morning to you and the rest of the Party!"
-Everyone was quite excited about this, and Gorbachev sat down to his
-day's work with a feeling of being destiny's favorite child.
-	Later, in the evening, he was preparing for the ballet.  As he
-dressed, he noticed that the sun was setting.  Walking over to the window,
-Gorbachev threw up the sash and again addressed the sun, "Good evening to
-you, Comrade Sun!".  Once more the great voice boomed out, "Fuck you,
-asshole!  I'm in the West now!"
-%
-GREAT MOMENTS IN AMERICAN HISTORY (#21):  July 30, 1917
-
-On this day, New York City hotel detectives burst in and caught then
-Senator Warren G. Harding in bed with an underage girl.  He bought
-them off with a $20 bribe, and later remarked thankfully, "I thought
-I wouldn't get out of that under $1000!"  Always one to learn from
-his mistakes, in later years President Harding carried on his affairs
-in a tiny closet in the White House Cabinet Room while Secret Service
-men stood lookout.
-%
-	"Haig, in congressional hearings before his confirmatory, paradoxed
-his audiencers by abnormaling his responds so that verbs were nouned, nouns
-verbed, and adjectives adverbised.  He techniqued a new way to vocabulary his
-thoughts so as to informationally uncertain anybody listening about what he
-had actually implicationed.
-	"If that is how General Haig wants to nervous breakdown the Russian
-leadership, he may be shrewding his way to the biggest diplomatic invent
-since Clausewitz.  Unless, that is, he schizophrenes his allies first."
-		-- The Guardian
-%
-Have you ever really thought about there being a simple solution to
-America's problems?  Why, we could solve all of our raw materials
-difficulties, foreign complications etc. over a long weekend.  If we
-got up early, early mind you, on Saturday, we could take over Mexico
-by 10:00.  Panama and most of South America would be a bit more difficult,
-but I believe we could do it by 6 or 7 that evening.  Turning our
-attention northward, Canada would require most of Sunday morning.
-General mopping up and execution of the civilian populations would take
-up Sunday afternoon.  I just don't understand why Washington hasn't
-thought of this...
-%
-He wasn't much of an actor, he wasn't much of a Governor -- Hell, they
-_H_A_D to make him President of the United States.  It's the only job he's
-qualified for!
-		-- Michael Cain
-%
-He's a son-of-a-bitch, but he's our son-of-a-bitch.
-		-- FDR on Nicaraguan dictator Anastasio Somoza
-%
-Heard tell that the Iron Magnolia wanted to divorce ol' Jimmy.  Seems he's
-screwing everyone but her.
-%
-Hell hath no fury like a bureaucrat scorned.
-		-- Milton Friedman
-%
-"Here's the holiday schedule for Monday's observation of Martin Luther
-King Jr.'s birthday, when the following will be closed:
-
-	* Governmental offices
-	* Post offices
-	* Libraries
-	* Schools
-	* Banks
-	* Parts of Palm Beach
-
-and the mind of Senator Jesse Helms of North Carolina."
-		-- Dennis Miller, "Saturday Night Live"
-%
-"How do you like the new America?  We've cut the fat out of the
-government, and more recently the heart and brain (the backbone was gone
-some time ago).  All we seem to have left now is muscle.  We'll be lucky
-to escape with our skins!"
-%
-I acted to show my love for Jodie Foster.
-		-- John Hinckley
-%
-I ain't got no quarrel with them Viet Congs.
-		-- Muhammad Ali
-%
-I also believe that academic freedom should protect the right of a
-professor or student to advocate Marxism, socialism, communism, or any
-other minority viewpoint -- no matter how distasteful to the majority.
-		-- Richard M. Nixon
-
-What are our schools for if not indoctrination against Communism?
-		-- Richard M. Nixon
-%
-I am not a crook.
-		-- Richard Nixon
-%
-I am not now and never have been a girl friend of Henry Kissinger.
-		-- Gloria Steinem
-%
-I believe in an America where the separation of church and state is absolute
--- where no Catholic prelate would tell the president (should he be Catholic)
-how to act, and no Protestant minister would tell his parishoners for whom
-to vote -- where no church or church school is granted any public funds or
-political preference -- and where no man is denied public office merely
-because his religion differs from the president who might appoint him or
-the people who might elect him.
-		-- John F. Kennedy
-%
-I believe that Ronald Reagan will someday make this country what it once was
-
-	... an arctic wilderness.
-		-- Steve Martin
-%
-I belong to no organized party.  I am a Democrat.
-		-- Will Rogers
-%
-I call it the "Madman Theory".  I want the North Vietnamese to believe that
-I've reached the point where I might do *anything* to stop the war.  We'll
-just slip the word to them that "For God's sake, you know, Nixon is obsessed
-about Communism.  We can't restrain him when he's angry -- and he has his
-hand on the nuclear button."
-		-- Richard Nixon
-%
-"I can remember when a good politician had to be 75 percent ability and 25
-percent actor, but I can well see the day when the reverse could be true."
-		-- Harry Truman
-%
-I did not look behind me, 'till I got to St. Omer's & thence fled to America;
-here I offer'd to become a Spy for the English Government which was scornfully
-rejected; I then turned to Plunder & Libel the Yankees, for which I was fined
-5000 Dollars & kicked out of the Country!  I came back to England (after
-absconding for Seven years) & set up the Crown & Mitre to establish my Loyalty!
--- accepted from the Doctor L400 to print & disperse a pamphlet against "the
-Hellfire of Reform" ... but applied the Money to purchase an estate at Botley,
-& left ye Doctor to pay the Paper & Printing!  Being now Lord of the Manor, I
-began by sowing the seeds of discontent through Hampshire; I oppressed the
-Poor, sent the Aged to Hell, & damned the eyes of my Parish Apprentices before
-they were open'd in the morning! ... and being now supported by a Band of
-Reformers, I renewed my old favorite Toast of Damnation to the House of
-Brunswick! & being exalted by the sale of 10,000 Political Registers every
-week, I find myself the greatest Man in the World! except that Idol of all my
-Adorations, his Royal and Imperial Majesty, NAPOLEONE!
-		-- William Cobbett, British journalist
-%
-I don't give a shit what happens.  I want you all to stonewall it.  Let them
-plead the Fifth Amendment, cover up, or anything else if it'll save the plan.
-		-- Richard Nixon
-%
-I don't see what's wrong with giving Bobby a little experience before
-he starts to practice law.
-		-- John F. Kennedy, upon appointing his brother
-		   Attorney-General.
-%
-I don't think they are going to give a shit about the Republican
-Committee trying to bug the Democratic Committee's headquarters.
-		-- Richard Nixon, 1972
-%
-I don't understand what all the fuss was about in Los Angeles.  It's not like
-we looted Brooks Brothers when Oliver North got off.
-		-- P.J. O'Rourke
-%
-I go the way that Providence dictates.
-		-- Adolf Hitler
-%
-I had never been too political, but I knew how white people treated black
-people and it was hard for me to come back to the bullshit white people
-put a black person through in this country.  To realize you don't have any
-power to make things different is a bitch.
-		-- Miles Davis
-%
-"I have just read your lousy review buried in the back pages.  You sound
-like a frustrated old man who never made a success, an eight-ulcer man on a
-four-ulcer job, and all four ulcers working.  I have never met you, but if I
-do you'll need a new nose and plenty of beefsteak and perhaps a supporter
-below.  Westbrook Pegler, a guttersnipe, is a gentleman compared to you.
-You can take that as more of an insult than as a reflection on your ancestry."
-		-- President Harry S. Truman
-%
-I have nothing but utter contempt for the courts of this land.
-		-- George Wallace
-%
-I have often looked at women and committed adultery in my heart.
-		-- Jimmy Carter
-%
-I never did give anybody hell.  I just told the truth and they thought
-it was hell.
-		-- Harry S. Truman
-%
-I never trust a man unless I've got his pecker in my pocket.
-		-- Lyndon Baines Johnson
-%
-I regret to say that we of the F.B.I. are powerless to act in cases of
-oral-genital intimacy, unless it has in some way obstructed interstate
-commerce.
-		-- J. Edgar Hoover
-%
-I shall give a propagandist reason for starting the war, no matter whether
-it is plausible or not.  The victor will not be asked afterwards whether
-he told the truth or not.  When starting and waging war it is not right
-that matters, but victory.
-		-- Adolph Hitler
-%
-I think any man in business would be foolish to fool around with his secretary.
-If it's somebody else's secretary, fine.
-		-- Barry Goldwater
-
-I think every good Christian ought to kick Falwell right in the ass.
-		-- Barry Goldwater
-%
-I think every good Christian ought to kick Falwell right in the ass.
-		-- Senator Barry Goldwater, commenting on Jerry Falwell's
-		   suggestion that all good Christians should be against
-		   Sandra Day O'Connor's nomination to the Supreme Court
-%
-I was in accord with the system so long as it permitted me to function
-effectively.
-		-- Albert Speer
-%
-I would have made a good pope.
-		-- Richard Nixon
-%
-I would have promised those terrorists a trip to Disneyland if it would have
-gotten the hostages released.  I thank God they were satisfied with the
-missiles and we didn't have to go to that extreme.
-		-- Oliver North
-%
-I would not like to be a political leader in Russia.  They never know when
-they're being taped.
-		-- Richard Nixon
-
-I love America.  You always hurt the one you love.
-		-- David Frye impersonating Nixon
-%
-I'm fed up to the ears with old men dreaming up wars for young men to die in.
-		-- George McGovern
-%
-I'm never through with a girl until I've had her three ways.
-		-- J.F. Kennedy
-%
-I'm not a lovable man.
-		-- Richard Nixon.
-%
-I'm not sure I've even got the brains to be President.
-		-- Barry Goldwater, in 1964
-%
-I'm sorry I missed.
-		-- Squeaky Fromme
-%
-I've got Hubert's pecker in my pocket.
-		-- Lyndon B. Johnson
-
-Don't see 'em this big out here, do they?
-		-- Lyndon B. Johnson, exposing himself to reporters in a
-		public toilet during a tour of the Far East
-%
-I've never been hurt by anything I didn't say.
-		-- Calvin Coolidge
-%
-If a man is not a liberal at 25, he has no heart.
-If he's not a conservative by 45, he has no brain.
-%
-If any demonstrator ever lays down in front of my car, it'll be the last
-car he ever lays down in front of.
-		-- George Wallace
-%
-If Carter is the answer, it must have been a VERY silly question.
-%
-If clear thinking created sparks, we could safely store dynamite in
-James Watt's office.
-		-- Wayne Shannon, KRON-TV
-%
-If I made peace with Russia today, I'd only attack her again tomorrow.  I
-just couldn't help myself.
-		-- Adolf Hitler
-%
-If it takes a bloodbath, lets get it over with.  No more appeasement.
-		-- Ronald Reagan
-%
-If people say that here and there someone has been taken away and maltreated,
-I can only reply: You can't make an omelette without breaking eggs.
-		-- Hermann Goering
-%
-If Presidents don't do it to their wives, they do it to the country.
-		-- Mel Brooks
-%
-If Reagan is the answer, it must have been a VERY silly question.
-%
-If the Nazis had television with satellite technology, we'd all be
-goose-stepping.  Americans are just as suggestible.
-		-- Frank Zappa
-%
-If two men agree on everything, you may be sure that one of them is
-doing the thinking.
-		-- Lyndon B. Johnson
-
-Jerry Ford is a nice guy, but he played too much football with his
-helmet off.
-		-- Lyndon B. Johnson
-
-I do not believe that this generation of Americans is willing to resign
-itself to going to bed each night by the light of a Communist moon.
-		-- Lyndon B. Johnson
-%
-"If we relied conclusively on scientific data for every one of our
-findings, I'm afraid all of our work would be inconclusive."
-		-- Henry Hudson, of the Meese Pornography Commission, on
-		   criticism of its conclusion that pornography causes sex
-		   crimes.
-%
-If you cannot convince them, confuse them.
-		-- Harry S. Truman
-%
-If you have seen one city slum you have seen them all.
-		-- Spiro Agnew
-%
-If you really want to do something new, the good won't help you with it.
-Let me have men about me that are arrant knaves.  The wicked, who have
-something on their conscience, are obliging, quick to hear threats, because
-they know how it's done, and for booty.  You can offer them things because
-they will take them.  Because they have no hesitations.  You can hang them
-if they get out of step.  Let me have men about me that are utter villains
--- provided that I have the power, the absolute power, over life and death.
-		-- Hermann Goering
-%
-If you think the United States has stood still, who built the largest
-shopping center in the world?
-		-- Richard M. Nixon
-%
-If you treat people right they will treat you right -- 90% of the time.
-		-- Franklin Delano Roosevelt
-%
-If you've seen one redwood, you've seen them all.
-		-- Ronald Reagan
-%
-Imagine me going around with a pot belly.  It would mean political ruin.
-		-- Adolf Hitler
-%
-In 1953, Stalin dies.  The politburo holds a special meeting to decide
-what to do about the body.  Nobody will let it be buried near their home.
-Finally they decide:
-	"Aha!  Call Israel!  Offer them ten million rubles; they'll let us
-bury Stalin in Israel! Off goes the message and the politburo waits...
-Finally a telegram comes back:
-	"NO CHANCE STOP ONE RESURRECTION HERE ALREADY"
-%
-In 1989, the United States, displeased with the policies of the dictator of
-Panama, invaded that country and placed in power a government more to its
-liking.
-
-In 1990, Iraq, displeased with the policies of the dictator of Kuwait,
-invaded that country and placed in power a government more to its liking.
-%
-In a country where the sole employer is the State, opposition means death
-by slow starvation.  The old principle: Who does not work shall not eat,
-has been replaced by a new one: Who does not obey shall not eat.
-		-- Leon Trotsky, 1937
-%
-In any country there must be people who have to die.  They are the
-sacrifices any nation has to make to achieve law and order.
-		-- Idi Amin Dada
-%
-In the future, there will be fewer but better Russians.
-		-- Joseph Stalin
-%
-In this world of sin and sorrow there is always something to be
-thankful for; as for me, I rejoice that I am not a Republican.
-		-- H.L. Mencken
-%
-In what can only be described as a surprise move, God has officially
-announced His candidacy for the U.S. presidency.  During His press conference
-today, the first in over 4000 years, He is quoted as saying, "I think I have
-a chance for the White House if I can just get my campaign pulled together
-in time.  I'd like to get this country turned around; I mean REALLY turned
-around!  Let's put Florida up north for awhile, and let's get rid of all
-those annoying mountains and rivers.  I never could stand them!"
-	There apparently is still some controversy over the Almighty's
-citizenship and other qualifications for the Presidency.  God replied to
-these charges by saying, "Come on, would the United States have anyone other
-than a citizen bless their country?"
-%
-It is dangerous for a national candidate to say things that people might
-remember.
-		-- Eugene McCarthy
-%
-It seems appropriate to me that Mapplethorpe's perverse images should be
-situated so close to Congress, which perpetuates a number of unnatural acts
-upon the body politic every day, without benefit of artificial lubrication
-or foreplay.
-	-- Pat Calafia's review of Camille Paglia's
-	   "Sex, Art and American Culture"
-%
-It's easier to be a liberal a long way from home.
-		-- Don Price
-%
-It's our fault.  We should have given him better parts.
-		-- Jack Warner, on hearing that Reagan had been
-		   elected governor of California.
-
-[Warner is also reported to have said, when told of Reagan's candidacy
-for governor, "No, Jimmy Stewart for Governor; Reagan for best friend."]
-%
-Jimmy Carter, Ted Kennedy, Gary Hart, Joseph Biden and Michael Dukakis were
-on a cruise down the Potomac when the ship struck a rock and began to sink.
-	"Gentlemen," Carter said, "as good Christians, we should let the 
-women and children aboard the lifeboats first."
-	"Fuck the women!" Kennedy shouted.
-	"Do we have time?" Hart asked.
-	"Do we have time?" Biden asked.
-	"Did everyone hear that?" Dukakis asked.
-%
-John Birch Society -- that pathetic manifestation of organized apoplexy.
-		-- Edward P. Morgan
-%
-Justice is incidental to law and order.
-		-- J. Edgar Hoover
-%
-Laissez Faire Economics is the theory that if each acts like a vulture,
-all will end as doves.
-%
-Lansdale seized on the idea of using Nixon to build support for the
-[Vietnamese] elections ... really honest elections, this time.  "Oh, sure,
-honest, yes, that's right," Nixon said, "so long as you win!"  With that
-he winked, drove his elbow into Lansdale's arm and slapped his own knee.
-		-- Richard Nixon, quoted in "Sideshow" by W. Shawcross
-%
-Law enforcement officers should use only the minimum force necessary in
-dealing with disorders when they arise.
-		-- Richard M. Nixon
-%
-"Lemme show ya the odds, Sparky...  In yer country, ya got 14 million black
-people, and 3 million white people.  Now, does the name `Custer' mean anything
-to you?"
-		-- Robin Williams, portraying Lester Maddox talking to Prime
-		   Minister Botha of South Africa.
-%
-... Let me tell you who the actual "front-runners" are.  On one side,
-you have George Bush, who is currently going through a sort of
-fraternity hazing wherein he has to perform a series of humiliating
-stunts to win the approval of the Republican Right.  For example, they
-had him make a speech oozing praise all over William Loeb, deceased
-publisher of the Manchester (N.H.) Union Leader and Slime Journalist.
-Loeb had dumped viciously all over George in the 1980 New Hampshire
-primary.  But when the Right held a big tribute for Loeb, George came
-back to the fold, like a man with a bungee cord wrapped around his neck.
-		-- Dave Barry, "The Twinkie and the Squid"
-%
-Let's talk about how to fill out your 1984 tax return.  Here's an often
-overlooked accounting technique that can save you thousands of dollars: For
-several days before you put it in the mail, carry your tax return around
-under your armpit.  No IRS agent is going to want to spend hours poring over
-a sweat-stained document.  So even if you owe money, you can put in for an
-enormous refund and the agent will probably give it to you, just to avoid an
-audit.  What does he care? It's not his money.
-		-- Dave Barry, "Sweating Out Taxes"
-%
-Liberals are the first to dump you if you con them or get into
-trouble.  Conservatives are better.  They never run out on you.
-		-- Joseph "Crazy Joe" Gallo
-%
-	"Listen to what I say, not what I mean.  I mean ...."
-		-- Mayor Daley
-%
-Long ago I proposed that unsuccessful candidates for the Presidency
-be quietly hanged, as a matter of public sanitation and decorum.
-The sight of their grief must have a very evil effect upon the young.
-		-- H.L. Mencken, "A Carnival of Buncombe"
-%
-Mayor Vincent J. `Buddy' Cianci on the ACLU's suit to have a city
-nativity scene removed:
-	"They're just jealous because they don't have three wise men
-and a virgin in the whole organization."
-%
-Millions of sensible people are too high-minded to concede that politics is
-almost always the choice of the lesser evil.  "Tweedledum and Tweedledee,"
-they say.  "I will not vote."  Having abstained, they are presented with a
-President who appoints the people who are going to rummage around in their
-lives for the next four years.  Consider all the people who sat home in a
-stew in 1968 rather than vote for Hubert Humphrey.  They showed Humphrey.
-Those people who taught Hubert Humphrey a lesson will still be enjoying the
-Nixon Supreme Court when Tricia and Julie begin to find silver threads among
-the gold and the black.
-		-- Russel Baker, "Ford without Flummery"
-%
-More people died at Chappaquidick than at 3-mile island.
-%
-More people have died in Ted Kennedy's car than in nuclear power plants.
-%
-"Most legislators are so dumb that they couldn't pour piss out of a
-boot if the instructions were printed on the heel."
-%
-Mothers all want their sons to grow up to be President, but they don't want
-them to become politicians in the process.
-		-- John F. Kennedy
-%
-My advice to the women's clubs of America is to raise more hell and fewer
-dahlias.
-		-- William Allen White
-%
-My rackets are run on strictly American lines, and they're going to
-stay that way.
-		-- Al Capone
-%
-Nancy Reagan wants to divorce old Ron... seems he's making it hard for
-everyone but her.
-%
-Naturally the common people don't want war... but after all it is the leaders
-of a country who determine the policy, and it is always a simple matter to
-drag the people along, whether it is a democracy, or a fascist dictatorship,
-or a parliament, or a communist dictatorship.  Voice or no voice, the people
-can always be brought to the bidding of the leaders.  That is easy.  All you
-have to do is tell them they are being attacked, and denounce the pacifists
-for lack of patriotism and exposing the country to danger.  It works the same
-in every country.
-		-- Hermann Goering
-%
-New book out from Gary Hart; "Six Inches from the White House".
-%
-Ninety percent of the politicians give the other ten percent a bad reputation.
-		-- Henry Kissinger
-%
-No Marxist can deny that the interests of socialism are higher than the
-interests of the right of nations to self-determination.
-		-- Lenin, 1918
-%
-No television performance takes as much preparation as an off-the-cuff talk.
-		-- Richard Nixon
-%
-[Nuclear war] ... may not be desirable.
-		-- Edwin Meese III
-%
-Oh, my friend, it is not what they take away from you that counts --
-it's what you do with what you have left.
-		-- Hubert H. Humphrey
-%
-Once at a social gathering, Gladstone said to Disraeli, "I predict, Sir, that
-you will die either by hanging or of some vile disease."  Disraeli replied,
-"That all depends upon whether I embrace your principles or your mistress."
-%
-One day an elderly Jewish Pole, living in Warsaw, finds an old lamp in his
-attic.  He starts to polish it and (poof!) a genie appears in cloud of smoke.
-	"Greetings, Mortal!" exclaims the genie, stretching and yawning, "For
-releasing me I will grant you three wishes."
-	The old man thinks for a moment, then replies, "I want Genghis Khan
-resurrected.  I want him to re-unite the Mongol hordes, march to the Polish
-border, decide he doesn't want to invade, and march back home."
-	"No sooner said than done!" thunders the genie.  "Your second wish?"
-	"Hmmmm.  I want Genghis Khan resurrected.  I want him to re-unite the
-Mongol hordes, march to the Polish border, decide he doesn't want to invade,
-and march back home."
-	"But...  well, all right!  Your third wish?"
-	"I want Genghis Khan resurrected.  I want him to re-unite his ---"
-	"OKOKOKOK!  Right.  Got it.  Why do you want Genghis Khan to march
-to Poland three times and never invade?"
-	The old man smiles.  "He has to pass through Russia six times."
-%
-One day President Reagan, Chairman Andropov, the Pope, and a boy scout
-were flying together in an airplane.  Right out in the middle of nowhere
-the plane developed engine trouble and started to go down. Unfortunately,
-only three parachutes could be found for the four passengers!  Andropov
-grabbed one of the parachutes and declared "Comrades, as leader of the
-socialist workers revolution, my life must be spared," and he jumped out
-of the plane.  Then Reagan exclaimed "As leader of the greatest nation on
-earth, I must keep the world safe for democracy," and with that he too
-jumped to safety.  Now if you are following all this (or counting on your
-fingers) you must see that there is only one parachute left for the two
-remaining passengers.  The Pope looked kindly upon the boy scout and said
-"I have had a long and productive life, my son.  You take the parachute
-and leave me in God's hands." "That's very kind of you," the observant
-scout replied, "but there is no need.  Reagan just jumped out with my
-knapsack."
-%
-"One Saturday afternoon, during the campaign to decide whether or not
-there should be a Coastal Commission, I took a helicopter ride from Los
-Angeles to San Diego.  We passed several state beaches, some crowded and
-some virtually empty.  They had the same facilities, and in some cases
-the crowded and the empty beach were within a quarter mile of each other.
-Obviously many beach-goers prefer to be crowded together. Buying more
-beaches that people won't go to because they prefer to be crowded
-together on one beach is a ridiculous waste of our natural resources and
-our taxes."
-		-- Ronald Reagan
-%
-"Our government has kept us in a perpetual state of fear -- kept us in
-a continuous stampede of patriotic fervor -- with the cry of grave
-national emergency... Always there has been some terrible evil to
-gobble us up if we did not blindly rally behind it  by furnishing the
-exorbitant sums demanded.  Yet, in retrospect, these disasters seem
-never to have happened, seem never to have been quite real."
-		-- General Douglas MacArthur, 1957
-%
-Our parents were of Midwestern stock and very strict.  They didn't want us
-to grow up to be spoiled and rich.  If we left our tennis racquets in the
-rain, we were punished.
-		-- Nancy Ellis (George Bush's sister), in the New Republic
-%
-Over 5,000 years ago, Moses said to the children of Israel,
-	"Pick up your shovels, mount your asses and load your camels,
-and I will lead you to the promised land."
-	Not too long ago, Roosevelt said, "Lay down your shovels, sit on
-your asses, light a Camel, this is the promised land."
-	Now Nixon is stealing your shovels, kicking your asses, raising
-the price of Camels, and mortgaging the promised land.
-%
-Politics is supposed to be the second oldest profession.  I have come to
-realize that it bears a very close resemblance to the first.
-		-- Ronald Reagan
-%
-President Thieu says he'll quit if he doesn't get more than 50% of the
-vote.  In a democracy, that's not called quitting.
-		-- The Washington Post
-%
-[Prime Minister Joseph] Chamberlain loves the working man -- he loves
-to see him work.
-		-- Winston Churchill
-%
-"Queensboro president Donald Mannis, charged with receiving bribes in
-exchange for city contracts, resigned on Tuesday.  Mannis feels he must
-devote more time to impending litigation, some of which might emanate
-from a recent statement he made comparing New York Mayor Ed Koch to
-Nazi Martin Bormann.  A spokesman from the Bormann estate said they are
-weighing the odds of a slander suit.  Mayor Koch could naturally be
-reached for comment, but we chose not to listen."
-		-- Dennis Miller, "Saturday Night Live"
-%
-Reagan can't ___act either.
-%
-REPORTER: Senator, are you for or against the MX missile system?
-
-SENATOR: Bob, the MX missile system reminds me of an old saying that the
-country folk in my state like to say.  It goes like this: "You can carry a
-pig for six miles, but if you set it down it might run away." I have no idea
-why the country folk say this.  Maybe there's some kind of chemical
-pollutant in their drinking water.  That is why I pledge to do all that I
-can to protect the environment of this great nation of ours, and put prayer
-back in the schools, where it belongs.  What we need is jobs, not empty
-promises.  I realize I'm risking my political career be being so outspoken
-on a sensitive issue such as the MX, but that's just the kind of
-straight-talking honest person I am, and I can't help it.
-		-- Dave Barry, "On Presidential Politics"
-%
-Republicans consume three-fourths of the rutabaga produced in this
-country.  The remainder is thrown out.
-%
-Republicans raise dahlias, Dalmatians and eyebrows.
-Democrats raise Airedales, kids and taxes.
-
-Democrats eat the fish they catch.
-Republicans hang them on the wall.
-
-Republican boys date Democratic girls.  They plan to marry
-Republican girls, but feel they're entitled to a little fun first.
-
-Democrats make up plans and then do something else.
-Republicans follow the plans their grandfathers made.
-
-Republicans consume three-fourths of the rutabaga produced in the USA.
-The remainder is thrown out.
-
-Republicans tend to keep their shades drawn, although there is seldom
-any reason why they should.  Democrats ought to, but don't.
-
-Republicans sleep in twin beds -- some even in separate rooms.
-That is why there are more Democrats.
-		-- Paul Dickson, "The Official Rules"
-%
-Richard Nixon was the most dishonest individual I have ever met in my life.
-He lied to his wife, his family, his friends, his colleagues in the Congress,
-lifetime members of his own political party, the American people, and
-the world.
-		-- Senator Barry Goldwater
-%
-	Robert Kennedy's 1964 Senatorial campaign planners told him that
-their intention was to present him to the television viewers as a sincere,
-generous person.  "You going to use a double?" asked Kennedy.
-
-	Thumbing through a promotional pamphlet prepared for his 1964
-Senatorial campaign, Robert Kennedy came across a photograph of himself
-shaking hands with a well-known labor leader.
-	"There must be a better photo that this," said Kennedy to the
-advertising men in charge of his campaign.
-	"What's wrong with this one?" asked one adman.
-	"That fellow's in jail," said Kennedy.
-		-- Bill Adler, "The Washington Wits"
-%
-Ronald Reagan -- America's favorite placebo
-%
-Russia has abolished God, but so far God has been more tolerant.
-		-- John Cameron Swayze
-%
-SAGDEEV CALLED ON THE U.S. TO MAKE A RECIPROCAL GESTURE:
-
-	In a recent speech in London, the irrepressible former head of the
-Soviet Space Research Institute noted that the Soviet Government has offered
-to convert its gigantic Krasnoyarsk radar in Siberia into an international
-space research facility in response to U.S. complaints that the radar would
-violate the ABM treaty.  Sagdeev suggested that the U.S. reciprocate by
-turning the unfinished U.S. embassy in Moscow into a nuclear crisis reduction
-center.  The communication system, he pointed out, is already in place.
-
-	[The construction contract for the US Embassy in Moscow was--stupidly
-	 --offered for bid to Russians (the Soviet embassy in Washington was
-	 built by workers brought in from the USSR for the purpose).  It should
-	 have been no surprise that every support beam had surveillance
-	 equipment embedded in it at the factory.  The US *acted* surprised,
-	 when this eventually came to light.]
-%
-Seems to me that both the Democrats and the Republicans should change their
-symbols to a contraceptive device; it stands for inflation, inhibits
-production, protects a bunch of pricks and gives everyone a false sense of
-security while they're being screwed.
-%
-Sen. Danforth:  "There is nothing on the face of the album which would
-		notify you if the record has pornographics material or
-		material glorifying violence?"
-Tipper Gore:    "No, there is nothing that would suggest that to me."
-Frank Zappa:    "I would say that a buzz saw blade between the guy's legs on
-		the album cover is good indication that it's not for little
-		Johnny."
-
-		-- The Senate Commerce Committee hearing on rock
-		   lyrics, from The Village Voice, 6 Oct 1985
-%
-Senor Castro has been accused of communist sympathies, but this means very
-little since all opponents of the regime are automatically called communists.
-In fact he is further to the right than General Batista.
-		-- "Cuba's Rightist Rebel", The Economist, April 26, 1958
-%
-She hates testicles, thus limiting the men she can admire to Democratic
-candidates for president.
-		-- John Greenway, "The American Tradition", on feminist
-		   Elizabeth Gould Davis
-%
-Sink or Swim with Teddy!
-%
-Sometimes, at the end of the day, when I'm smiling and shaking their hands,
-I want to kick them.
-		-- Richard M. Nixon
-%
-Sooner or later, generals will own you.
-%
-Stalin was dying, and summoned Khruschev to his bedside.  Wheezing his last
-words with difficulty, Stalin tells Khruschev, "The reins of the country are
-now in your hands.  But before I go, I want to give you some advice."
-	"Yes, yes, what is it?" says Khruschev, impatiently.  Reaching under
-his pillow, Stalin produced two envelopes labeled #1 and #2.
-	"Take these letters," he tells Khruschev. "Keep them safely -- don't
-open them.  Only if the country is in turmoil and things aren't going well,
-open the first one.  That'll give you some advice on what to do.  And, if
-after that, if things start getting REALLY bad, open the second one."  And
-with a gasp Stalin breathed his last.
-	Well, within a few years Khruschev started having problems --
-unemployment increased, crops failed, people became restless.  He decided it
-was time to open the first letter.  All it said was: "Blame everything on me!"
-So Khruschev launched a massive deStalinization campaign, and blamed Stalin
-for all the excesses and purges and ills of the present system.
-	But things continued on the downslide, and, finally, after much
-deliberation, Khruschev opened the second letter.
-	All it said was: "Write two letters."
-%
-Success is the sole earthly judge of right and wrong.
-		-- Adolph Hitler, "Mein Kampf"
-%
-Support the right of unborn males to bear arms!
-		-- A public service announcement from Phyllis Schlafly,
-		   the Catholic Church, and the National Rifle Association
-%
-Sure there are dishonest men in local government.  But there are dishonest
-men in national government too.
-		-- Richard M. Nixon
-%
-Sure, Reagan has promised to take senility tests.  But what if he forgets?
-%
-"Taxes should hurt.  I just mailed my own tax return last night and I
-am prepared to say `ouch!' as loud as anyone."
-		-- Ronald Reagan
-%
-Teddy Kennedy:	A Blonde in Every Pond!
-%
-Thank God I've always avoided persecuting my enemies.
-		-- Adolf Hitler
-%
-That segment of the community with which one has the greatest sympathy as
-a liberal, inevitably turns out to be one of the most narrow-minded and
-bigoted segments of the community.
-%
-The American system of ours, call it Americanism, call it Capitalism,
-call it what you like, gives each and every one of us a great
-opportunity if we only seize it with both hands and make the most of it.
-		-- Al Capone
-%
-The arms business is founded on human folly, that is why its depths will
-never be plumbed and why it will go on forever.  All weapons are defensive
-and all spare parts are non-lethal.  The plainest print cannot be read
-through a solid gold sovereign, or a ruble or a golden eagle.
-		-- Sam Cummings, American arms dealer
-%
-The Army has carried the American ... ideal to its logical conclusion.
-Not only do they prohibit discrimination on the grounds of race, creed
-and color, but also on ability.
-		-- Tom Lehrer
-%
-"The Army is a place where you get up early in the morning to be yelled
-at by people with short haircuts and tiny brains."
-		-- Dave Barry
-%
-The broad mass of a nation... will more easily fall victim to a big lie
-than to a small one.
-		-- Adolf Hitler, "Mein Kampf"
-%
-The conservation movement is a breeding ground of Communists and other
-subversives.  We intend to clean them out, even if it means rounding up
-every bird watcher in the country.
-		-- John Mitchell, Atty. General 1969-1972
-%
-The cry has been that when war is declared, all opposition should therefore
-be hushed.  A sentiment more unworthy of a free country could hardly be
-propagated.  If the doctrine be admitted, rulers have only to declare war
-and they are screened at once from scrutiny. ...  In war, then, as in peace,
-assert the freedom of speech and of the press.  Cling to this as the bulwark
-of all our rights and privileges.
-		-- William Ellery Channing
-%
-The dangerous Lego Bomb, which targets shag rugs and scatters pieces of
-plastic that hurt like hell when you step on them is banned entirely....
-Hiring David Copperfield to pretend to saw the missiles in half will not
-be permitted...  In order to reduce risk of accidental war, both sides
-agree to ban the popular but dangerous 'Simon Says' training drill at
-nuclear launch sites...  Under no circumstances will either side reveal
-that it hammered out the treaty in one afternoon, but spent the last nine
-years arguing the Monty Hall and the three doors problem.
-		-- Little known provisions of the START treaty by James Lileks
-%
-The difference between a misfortune and a calamity?  If Gladstone fell into
-the Thames, it would be a misfortune.  But if someone dragged him out again,
-it would be a calamity.
-		-- Benjamin Disraeli
-%
-The entire work force of the Communist countries is subjected to periodic
-purges (called verifications in Newspeak).  One of the most severe took
-place in 1957 when Novotny, rattled by the Hungarian Revolution the year
-before, tried hard to weed out "radishes" (red outside, white inside) from
-all but insignificant positions.  Any one of the following would often
-result in the loss of one's job:  Bourgeois or Jewish family background,
-relatives abroad, contacts with former capitalists, having lived in a
-Western country, insufficient knowledge of Communist literature, and others.
-
-	A man is interviewed by a "Verification Committee."
-	"What kind of family do you come from?"
-	"A rich, Jewish family."
-	"And your wife?"
-	"A German aristocrat."
-	"Have you ever been to the West?"
-	"I spent most of my life in England."
-	"How did you make a living there?"
-	"A friend supported me."
-	"Where did you get the money from?"
-	"He owned a textile factory."
-	"Who was Lenin?"
-	"Never heard of him."
-	"What is your name?"
-	"Karl Marx."
-%
-The fact that Hitler was a political genius unmasks the nature of politics
-in general as no other can.
-		-- Wilhelm Reich
-%
-The feminist agenda is not about equal rights for women. It is about a
-socialist, anti-family political movement that encourages women to leave
-their husbands, kill their children, practice witchcraft, destroy
-capitalism and become lesbians.
-		-- Pat Robertson, Man of God and serious Republican
-		   presidential aspirant, in a letter to supporters.
-%
-The government [is] extremely fond of amassing great quantities of statistics.
-These are raised to the nth degree, the cube roots are extracted, and the
-results are arranged into elaborate and impressive displays.  What must be
-kept ever in mind, however, is that in every case, the figures are first put
-down by a village watchman, and he puts down anything he damn well pleases.
-		-- Sir Josiah Stamp
-%
-The government of the United States is not in any sense founded on the
-Christian Religion.
-		-- George Washington
-%
-The great nations have always acted like gangsters and the small nations
-like prostitutes.
-		-- Stanley Kubrick
-%
-The illegal we do immediately.  The unconstitutional takes a little longer.
-		-- Henry Kissinger
-%
-The language of politics is poetry, not prose.  Jackson is poetry.
-Cuomo is poetry.  Dukakis is a word processor.
-		-- Richard M. Nixon, on Meet the Press, April, 1988
-%
-The liberals can understand everything but people who don't understand them.
-		-- Lenny Bruce
-%
-The local minister noticed a little girl standing outside of his
-door with a basket of kittens.
-	"Hello, little girl, what do you have there?"
-	"These are my Democratic kittens," she replied.
-Amused, the pastor said nothing.  Two weeks later he saw the same little
-girl with (apparently) the same basket of kittens.
-	"My, I see you still have your Democratic kittens.", he said.
-	"No, you see, these are Republican kittens," she answered.
-	"Two weeks ago they were Democratic kittens," he replied, puzzled.
-	"Two weeks ago they had their eyes closed."
-%
-The longer I am out of office, the more infallible I appear to myself.
-		-- Henry Kissinger
-%
-The marriage of Marxism and feminism has been like the marriage of
-husband and wife depicted in English common law: Marxism and feminism
-are one, and that one is marxism.
-		-- Heidi Hartmann, "The Unhappy Marriage of Marxism
-		   and Feminism"
-%
-[The members of the Chamberlain government] are decided only to be undecided,
-resolved to be irresolute, adamant for drift, all-powerful for impotency.
-		-- Winston Churchill
-%
-The Moscow Evening News advertised a contest for the best political joke.
-First prize was ten years in prison; second prize, five years; third prize,
-three years; and there were six honorable mentions of one year each.
-%
-The most recent attempt to revive the moribund campus left, a national
-conference held at Rutgers University February 5-7, ended when the
-participants decided that they were too racist to found a new national 
-organization.
-	The stated goal of the conference was the formation of a national
-organization that would "give expression to a shared consciousness."  The
-orientation materials declared that this was "a historic moment" -- you
-know, like Port Huron and the Sixties -- and the Rutgers host committee had
-every reason to expect their goal would be accomplished.
-	But it was not to be.  Given that this was a conference of *New*
-New Leftists, reason had nothing to do with it.
-	A revealing article by Vania del Borgo and Maria Margaronis in "The
-Nation", ["Beyond the Fragments," 3/26/88] says "The defining moment of the
-weekend came when the conference was almost at its end.  On Sunday morning,
-a twenty-five-member students of color caucus confronted the assembled body
-with its overwhelming whiteness..."  Joined by the Gay & Bisexual Caucus, the
-Students of Color Caucus declared that the founding of such an overwhelmingly
-white organization would itself constitute a racist act.  The four hundred or
-so leftist activists were told that they had no right to ratify a constitution
-or elect any officers.  While recognizing "the need to examine the real
-possibilities of a broad-based, racially diverse student movement" and paying
-lip service to the need for "dialogue," they threatened to walk out if their
-demands were not met.  As *The Nation* article describes the scene:  "To their
-astonishment, their intervention was greeted with a standing ovation." Handed
-an ultimatum which demanded that they disband, this would-be successor to the
-radical student movements of the Sixties promptly voted itself out of
-existence.  As del Borgo and Margaronis put it, "After much chaotic discussion
-and a confused voice vote, the convention suspended all its other work and
-broke into regional groups to discuss 'outreach.'"
-		-- Libertarian Agenda, May 1988
-%
-THE MX IS GOOD FOR THE ECONOMY.  One important reason we have a Defense
-Department is that when we give it money, it spends it, which creates
-jobs, whereas if we left the money in the hands of civilians, we don't
-know what they'd do with it.  Probably put it in open trenches and set
-it on fire.  The MX will create an especially large number of jobs
-because of the number of warheads it carries.  It carries a total of 10
-warheads.  This creates a great deal of employment, because you have
-your Warhead Makers, your Warhead Lifters, your Persons Who Tap the
-Warheads Gently with Rubber Mallets to Wedge Them All Snugly Into the
-Nose Cone, your Persons Who Just Walk Around Playing Soothing Cassettes
-by Recording Artists such as Perry Como So We Don't Have Any More
-Episodes Where a Worker Who is Experiencing Some Strain Sticks a
-Warhead in the Employee Cafeteria Microwave and Sets It On Roast, etc.
-We are talking about a lot of jobs.
-		-- Dave Barry, "At Last, the Ultimate Deterrent Against
-		   Political Fallout"
-%
-The notion that the church, the press, and the universities should serve
-the state is essentially a Communist notion ... In a free society these
-institutions must be wholly free -- which is to say that their function
-is to serve as checks upon the state.
-		-- Alan Barth
-%
-The only way I can lose this election is if I'm caught in
-bed with a dead girl or a live boy.
-		-- Edwin Edwards, Louisiana governor
-%
-	"The policeman isn't there to create disorder.  The policeman is
-there to ________preserve disorder."
-		-- Mayor Daley
-%
-The problem with me is that I am fifty or one hundred years ahead of my
-time.  My speed is very fast.  Some ministers have had to drop out of my
-government because they could not keep up.
-		-- Idi Amin Dada
-%
-The problems with "Medflies" may have hurt Jerry Brown's chances to become a
-Senator.  After all, if they won't allow California fruit out of the state,
-how is Brown going to get to Washington?
-%
-The reason we need the MX missile system is that the missiles we
-currently have in the ground are the Minuteman model, which is very old.
-The Defense Department can't even remember where half of them are.
-Insects have built nests in them.  People have built houses directly over
-the silos.  What this means, of course, is that if we ever needed them to
-help obliterate all human life on the planet, they could be a real
-embarrassment.  I mean, maybe YOU'RE comfortable with the prospect of
-missiles that are supposed to represent you barging over the North Pole
-trailing shreds of polyester carpeting from some recreation room in South
-Dakota, but your strategic defense planners are not.
-		-- Dave Barry, "At Last, the Ultimate Deterrent Against
-		   Political Fallout"
-%
-The reasons that each of these countries has had to renege on its
-financial committments were all somewhat different: Argentina because of
-a war, Poland because of its vast misguided overinvestment in heavy
-industry, Honduras because the coffee price went sour, Zaire because
-nobody in the government there has a clue as to how to run a country.
-		-- Paul Erdman's Money Book
-%
-The right to be heard does not automatically include the right to be
-taken seriously.
-		-- Hubert Humphrey
-%
-The right to be let alone is indeed the beginning of all freedom.
-		-- Supreme Court Justice William O. Douglas
-%
-The right to revolt has sources deep in our history.
-		-- Supreme Court Justice William O. Douglas
-%
-The rights you have are the rights given you by this Committee [the
-House Un-American Activities Committee].  We will determine what rights
-you have and what rights you have not got.
-		-- J. Parnell Thomas
-%
-The Russians have put a small ball up in the air.  That does not raise my
-apprehensions one iota.
-		-- Dwight D. Eisenhower
-%
-"The State of California has no business subsidizing intellectual curiosity."
-		-- Ronald Reagan
-%
-The streets are safe in Philadelphia, it's only the people who make them unsafe.
-		-- Mayor Frank Rizzo
-%
-The superpowers often behave like two heavily armed blind men feeling
-their way around a room, each believing himself in mortal peril from the
-other, whom he assumes to have perfect vision.  Each tends to ascribe to
-the other side a consistency, forsight and coherence that its own
-experience belies.  Of course, even two blind men can do enormous damage
-to each other, not to speak of the room.
-		-- Henry Kissinger
-%
-The thought of being President frightens me and I do not think I want the job.
-		-- Ronald Reagan in 1973
-
-Reagan won because he ran against Jimmy Carter.  Had he run unopposed he
-would have lost.
-		-- Mort Sahl
-
-Ronald Reagan is a triumph of the embalmer's art.
-		-- Gore Vidal
-
-Ronald Reagan's platform seems to be: Hey, I'm a big good-looking guy and
-I need a lot of sleep.
-		-- Roy G. Blount, Jr.
-
-You've got to be careful quoting Ronald Reagan, because when you quote him
-accurately it's called mudslinging.
-		-- Walter Mondale
-%
-The United States also has its native Fascists who say that they are
-"100 percent American" ...
-		-- U. S. Army (1945)
-%
-The very first essential for success is a perpetually constant and regular
-employment of violence.
-		-- Adolph Hitler, "Mein Kampf"
-%
-The VFW represents many who died to give this country a second chance
-to make it what it is supposed to be -- God's guest house on earth.
-		-- John Wayne
-%
-"The voters have spoken, the bastards ..."
-%
-The War on Drugs is just a small part of the War on the United States
-Constitution.
-%
-The warning message we sent the Russians was a calculated ambiguity that
-would be clearly understood.
-		-- Alexander Haig
-%
-There are also a lot of nice buildings in Haiphong.  What their
-contributions are to the war effort I don't know, but the desire to
-bomb a virgin building is terrific.
-		-- Commander Henry Urban Jr.
-%
-There are in this country two very large monopolies.  The larger of the
-two has the following record:  The Vietnam War, Watergate, double-digit
-inflation, fuel and energy shortages, bankrupt airlines, and the 8-cent
-postcard.  The second is responsible for such things as the transistor,
-the solar cell, lasers, synthetic crystals, high fidelity stereo recording,
-sound motion pictures, radio astronomy, negative feedback, magnetic tape,
-magnetic "bubbles", electronic switching systems, microwave radio and TV
-relay systems, information theory, the first electrical digital computer,
-and the first communications satellite.  Guess which one is going to tell the
-other how to run the telephone business?  I can hardly wait for the results.
-%
-There are revolutions that are sweeping the world and we in America have
-been in a position of trying to stop them.  With all the wealth of
-America, with all of the military strength of America, those revolutions
-are revolutions against a form of political and economic organization in
-the countries of Asia and the Middle East that are oppressive.  They are
-revolutions against feudalism.  [1952]
-		-- Supreme Court Justice William O. Douglas
-%
-There is a new anti-communist organization that advocates the use of
-wooden toilet seats.
-
-It's called the Birch John Society.
-%
-There is a road to freedom.  Its milestones are Obedience, Endeavor, Honesty,
-Order, Cleanliness, Sobriety, Truthfulness, Sacrifice, and love of the
-Fatherland.
-		-- Adolf Hitler
-%
-There was a man who, every day, would buy a newspaper on the way to work,
-glance at the headline, and hand it back to the newsboy.  Day after day the
-man would go through this routine.  Finally the newsboy could not stand it
-and he asked the man, "Why do you always buy a paper and only look at the
-front page before discarding it?"
-	The man replied, "I am only interested in the obituaries."
-	"But they are on page 21.  You never even unfold the newspaper."
-	"Young man," he replied, "the son-of-a-bitch I'm looking for will
-be on the front page."
-		-- Attributed to FDR.
-%
-There was a plane crash over mid-ocean, and only three survivors were left
-in the life-raft: the Pope, the President, and Mayor Daley. Unfortunately,
-it was a one-man life-raft, and quickly sinking, so they started debating
-who should be allowed to stay.
-
-The Pope pointed out that he was the spiritual leader of millions all over
-the world, the President explained that if he died then America would be
-stuck with the Vice-President, and so forth.  Then Mayor Daley said, "Look!
-We're not solving anything like this!  The only fair thing to do is to vote
-on it." So they did, and Mayor Daley won by 97 votes.
-%
-There was a young man hitchiking along a road one day.  A car stopped and the
-driver opened the door and asked, "What political party are you with?"
-	He replied, "Why, I'm a Democrat."
-	And the driver slammed the door and rode off.  The guy was pretty
-discouraged when another car came along, and the driver asked the same
-question.
-	The guy answered, "Uh, I'm a Democrat."
-	And again, the driver slammed the door and rode off.  Now he was
-downright confused when another car came along.  The driver was an attractive
-lady, and she asked the same question.
-	He answered: "I'm a Republican."
-	And she answered, "Well, then, hop on in."
-	They drove on for a few minutes when he began to notice that her
-skirt was beginning to get hiked up on her thighs.  Finally, he couldn't take
-it any more, and said "Ma'am, stop the car and let me out.  I've only been
-a Republican for 15 minutes, and already I feel like screwing someone!"
-%
-"There was only six Democrats in all of Hinsdale County and you, you son of
-a bitch, you ate five of them."
-		-- Colorado judge, sentencing Alfred E. Packer for
-		   cannibalism in 1874.
-%
-These activities have their own rules and methods of concealment which
-seek to mislead and obscure.
-		-- Dwight D. Eisenhower, 1960
-%
-They say it's the responsibility of the media to look at government --
-especially the president -- with a microscope.  I don't argue with that,
-but when they use a proctoscope, it's going too far.
-		-- Richard Nixon
-%
-This Czech walks into police station in 1968 during the Fraternal Assistance.
-Czech:	Hey, out there in the street, a Swiss soldier knocked me down and
-	took my Russian watch.
-Desk Sergeant:	Come again?
-Czech:	Right out there in the street, a Swiss soldier knocked me down and
-	took my Russian watch.
-DS:	You're confused.   Why would there be a Swiss soldier here?  And who
-	would want to own a Russian watch?  It was a Russian soldier who
-	knocked you down and took your Swiss watch, right?
-Czech:	Well, maybe, but you said it, not me.
-%
-Those who make peaceful revolution impossible will make violent revolution
-inevitable.
-		-- John Fitzgerald Kennedy
-%
-Three things have been difficult to tame: The oceans, fools,
-and women. We may soon be able to tame the ocean.  Fools and
-women will take a little longer.
-		-- Spiro Agnew
-%
-Tip O'Neill is just like Congress; old, fat and out of control.
-		-- J. LeBoutillier
-%
-"To be responsive at this time, though I will simply say, and therefore this
-is a repeat of what I said previously, that which I am unable to offer in
-response is based on information available to make no such statement."
-%
-To defend the Saigon regime is not worth one more human life.
-		-- Senator Edmund Muskie
-%
-To jaw-jaw is better than to war-war.
-		-- W. Churchill, on Korean War negotiations
-%
-To the best of my recollection, Senator, I can't recall.
-%
-To Theodore Roosevelt:
-	You are like the Wind and I like the Lion.  You form the Tempest.
-The sand stings my eyes and the Ground is parched.  I roar in defiance but
-you do not hear.  But between us there is a difference.  I, like the lion,
-must remain in my place.  While you, like the wind, will never know yours.
-		Mulay Hamid El Raisuli
-		Lord of the Riff
-		Sultan to the Berbers
-		Last of the Barbary Pirates
-%
-Tom Hayden is the kind of politician who gives opportunism a bad name.
-		-- Gore Vidal
-%
-Uncle Sam comes off as the perverted relative who'll offer you a
-bit of candy, but if you won't bend over for him, you get a beating.
-%
-"Under capitalism, man exploits man.  Under Communism, it's just the opposite."
-		-- John Kenneth Galbraith
-%
-Uppers are no longer stylish, methedrine is almost as rare as pure acid
-or DMT.  "Consciousness Expansion" went out with LBJ and it is worth
-noting, historically, that downers came in with Nixon.
-		-- Dr. Hunter S. Thompson
-%
-Useful Farsi phrases for Americans traveling to Iran:
-
-AKBAR KHALI-KILI HAFTIR LOTFAN.
-	Thank you for showing me your marvelous gun.
-
-FEKR GABUL CARDAN DAVAT PAEH GUSH DIVAR.
-	I am delighted to accept your kind invitation to lie down
-	on the floor with my arms above my head and my legs apart.
-
-SHOMAEH FEKR TAMOMEH QEH GOFTEH BANDE.
-	I agree with everything you have ever said or thought in your life.
-%
-Useful Farsi phrases for Americans traveling to Iran:
-
-AUTO ARRAREGH DAVATEMAN MANO SEPAHEH-HAST.
-	It is exceptionally kind of you to allow me to
-	travel in the trunk of your car.
-
-FASHAL-EH TUPEHMAN NA DEGAT MANO
-GOFTAM CHEESHAYEH MOHEMA RAJEBEH KESHVAREHMAN.
-	If you will do me the kindness of not harming my genital
-	appendages I will gladly reciprocate by betraying my
-	country in public.
-
-KHREL, JEPAHEH MANEH VA JAYEH AMRIKAHEY.
-	I will tell you the names and addresses of
-	many American spies traveling as reporters.
-%
-Useful Farsi phrases for Americans traveling to Iran:
-
-MAMNOUNAN GHORBAN IN DAFAYEH MEEMUNAM.
-	It is with greatest pleasure that I sign
-	this confession of capital crimes.
-
-MATERNIER GHERMEZ AHLIEH, GHORBAN.
-	The red blindfold would be lovely, excellency.
-
-TIKEH NUNEH BA OB KHRELEH BEZORG VA KHRUBE BOYAST INO BEGERAM.
-	The water-soaked bread crumbs are delicious, thank you.
-	I must have the recipe.
-
-ETEHFOR'AN, DEHRATEE, OTAGEH SHOMA MIKRASTAM KHE
-DO HAFTAEH BA BODANEH SHEEREEL TEEGZ.
-	Truly, I would rather be a hostage to your greatly esteemed 
-	self than spend a fortnight upon the person of Cheryl Tiegs.
-%
-	Vice-President Hubert Humphrey's loquacity is legendary, and Barry
-Goldwater notes that "Hubert has been clocked at 275 words a minute with gusts
-up to 340."
-
-	On the campaign trail during 1964, Republican nominee Barry Goldwater
-stated, "The immediate task before us is to cut the Federal Government down
-to size... we must take Lyndon's credit card away from him."
-
-	A favorite 1964 campaign stunt of Barry Goldwater's was to poke a
-finger through a pair of lensless blackrimmed glasses, saying, "These glasses
-are just like [Lyndon Johnson's] programs.  They look good but they don't
-work."
-		-- Bill Adler, "The Washington Wits"
-%
-Vote early and vote often.
-		-- Al Capone's slogan for Big Bill Thompson's anti-reform
-		   campaign for Mayor of Chicago, 1926.  Big Bill won.
-%
-Vote for ME -- I'm well-tapered, half-cocked, ill-conceived and TAX-DEFERRED!
-%
-Waldheimer's disease is what you have when you can't remember you were a Nazi.
-%
-Washington [D.C.] is a city of Southern efficiency and Northern charm.
-		-- John F. Kennedy
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-Washington, D.C.   Wasting your money since 1810.
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-We are going to give a little something, a few little years more, to
-socialism, because socialism is defunct.  It dies all by itself.  The bad
-thing is that socialism, being a victim of its ... Did I say socialism?
-		-- Fidel Castro
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-We are going to have peace even if we have to fight for it.
-		-- Dwight D. Eisenhower
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-We are the unwilling... led by the unqualified... to do the unnecessary...
-for the ungrateful...
-		-- GI in Vietnam, 1970
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-We are upping our standards ... so up yours.
-		-- Pat Paulsen for President
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-We cannot put the face of a person on a stamp unless said person is deceased.
-My suggestion, therefore, is that you drop dead.
-		-- James E. Day, Postmaster General
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-We could do that, but it would be wrong, that's for sure.
-		-- Richard Nixon
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-We could nuke Baghdad into glass, wipe it with Windex, tie fatback on our
-feet and go skating.
-		-- Fred Reed, Air Force Times columnist.
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-We don't have to protect the environment -- the Second Coming is at hand.
-		-- James Watt, noted ecologist
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-We have gone on piling weapon upon weapon, missile upon missile, new
-levels of destructiveness upon old ones.  We have done this helplessly,
-almost involuntarily: like the victims of some sort of hypnotism, like
-men in a dream, like lemmings heading for the sea, like the children of
-Hamelin marching blindly along behind their Pied Piper.  And the result
-is that today we have achieved, we and the Russians together, in the
-creation of these devices and their means of delivery, levels of
-redundancy of such grotesque dimensions as to defy rational understanding.
-		-- George Kennan, May 19, 1981
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-We have no scorched earth policy.  We have a policy of scorched Communists.
-		-- General Efrain Rios Montt, President of Guatemala, 1982
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-We must finish once and for all with the neutrality of chess.  We must condemn
-once and for all the formula 'chess for the sake of chess,' like the formula
-'art for art's sake.'  We must organize shock-brigades of chess-players, and
-begin the immediate realization of a Five-Year Plan for chess.
-		-- Nikolai V. Krylenko, People's Commissar for Justice
-		   (of RFSFR, later of USSR), speaking at a 1932 Congress
-		   of Chess Players, as quoted in Boris Souvarine's
-		   "Stalin," published London, 1939
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-We must remember that in time of war what is said on the enemy's side of
-the front is always propaganda and what is said on our side of the front
-is truth and righteousness, the cause of humanity and a crusade for peace.
-		-- Walter Lippmann
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-"We should declare war on North Vietnam.  We could pave the whole
-country and put parking strips on it, and still be home by Christmas."
-		-- Ronald Reagan
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-We should keep the Panama Canal.  After all, we stole it fair and square.
-		-- S.I. Hayakawa
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-WE'RE GOING TO THROW THE MX AWAY AFTER WE BUILD IT.  The MX is really
-[Don't tell anybody!] just a "bargaining chip" in the nuclear-arms-
-reduction talks with the Russians.  See, we have a problem with the
-Russians.  They look at our leaders and they see, for example, George
-Bush, who is really a fine and brave man but who happens to have this
-unfortunate physical characteristic whereby when he talks he sounds as
-though he just inhaled a helium party balloon.  If he ever becomes
-President, the Russians will deliberately create nuclear crises just so
-they can gather around the Hot Line with refreshments and listen to
-George talk.
-		-- Dave Barry, "At Last, the Ultimate Deterrent Against
-		   Political Fallout"
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-Well, here it is, 1983, so it won't be long before you start reading a lot
-of boring stories about people like Vance Hartke.  Hartke is a governor or
-mayor or something from one of the flatter states, and the reason you'll be
-reading about him is that he's one of the 50 top contenders for the 1984
-Democratic presidential nomination.  These men will spend the next 18 months
-going around the country engaging in the most degrading activities
-imaginable, such as wearing idiot hats and appearing on "Meet the Press."
-"Meet the Press" is one of those Sunday morning public interest shows that
-the public is not the least bit interested in.  It features a panel of
-reporters who ask questions of a guest politician, who wins an Amana home
-freezer if he can get through the entire show without answering a single
-question ...
-		-- Dave Barry, "On Presidential Politics"
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-Well, I would -- if they realized that we -- again if -- if we led them
-back to that stalemate only because our retaliatory power, our seconds,
-or strike at them after our first strike, would be so destructive they
-they couldn't afford it, that would hold them off.
-		-- President Ronald Reagan, on the MX missile
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-What did Mickey Mouse get for Christmas?
-
-A Dan Quayle watch.
-%
-What is the difficulty with writing a PDP-8 program to emulate Jerry Ford?
-
-Figuring out what to do with the other 3K.
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-What is truth?  We must adopt a pragmatic definition: it is what is believed
-to be the truth.  A lie that is put across therefore becomes the truth and
-may, therefore, be justified.  The difficulty is to keep up lying... it is
-simpler to tell the truth and if a sufficient emergency arises, to tell one,
-big thumping lie that will then be believed.
-		-- Ministry of Information, memo on the maintenance of
-		   British civilian morale, 1939
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-What luck for the rulers that men do not think.
-		-- Adolph Hitler
-%
-"When are you BUTTHEADS gonna learn that you can't oppose Gestapo tactics
-*with* Gestapo tactics?"
-		-- Reuben Flagg
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-When democracy granted democratic methods to us in times of opposition, this
-was bound to happen in a democratic system.  However, we National Socialists
-never asserted that we represented a democratic point of view, but we have
-declared openly that we used the democratic methods only to gain power and
-that, after assuming the power, we would deny to our adversaries without any
-consideration the means which were granted to us in times of our opposition.
-		-- Josef Goebbels
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-When I grow up, I want to be an honest lawyer so things like that can't happen.
-		-- Richard Nixon as a boy (on the Teapot Dome scandal)
-%
-When more and more people are thrown out of work, unemployment results.
-		-- Calvin Coolidge
-%
-When the President does it, that means it is not illegal.
-		-- Richard Nixon
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-	When, in 1964, New Hampshire Republican Senator Norris Cotton announced
-his support of Bary Goldwater in his state's primary election, he was
-questioned as to whether this indicated a change of his hitherto "liberal"
-political views.
-	"Well," explained Cotton, "it's like the New Hampshire farmer.  He was
-driving along in his car one day with his wife beside him when his wife said,
-'Why don't we sit closer together?  Before we were married, we always sat
-closer together.'  The old farmer replied, 'I ain't moved.'"
-	"I ain't moved," added Cotton.  "I found the trend of Government has
-moved farther to the left."
-		-- Bill Adler, "The Washington Wits"
-%
-While passing a vacant lot late one night, a jogger was stopped by a man who
-held a gun to his head.
-	"Who are you for," the gunman snarled, "Bush or Dukakis?"
-	The runner thought for a moment, shifting nervously from foot to foot,
-as the muzzle pressed harder into his temple.
-	"Bush or Dukakis?" the mugger insisted.
-	Finally, the jogger shrugged his shoulders, closed his eyes and bowed
-his head.  "Go ahead and shoot."
-%
-"White House carpenters have reworked the master bedroom, remodeling it
-so that Ronnie can sleep with his head in the hall.  That way, by the
-time he wakes up, somebody will have already shined his hair."
-%
-Who can take the demands of the SDS seriously?
-		-- Nathan Pusey
-%
-Within a month [in 1969] I had met the first of a small but not uninfluential
-community of people who violently opposed SALT for a simple reason: It might
-keep America from developing a first-strike capability against the Soviet
-Union.  I'll never forget being lectured by an Air Force colonel about how
-we should have "nuked" the Soviets in late 1940s before they got The Bomb.
-I was told that if SALT would go away, we'd soon have the capability to nuke
-them again -- and this time we'd use it.
-		-- Roger Molander, former nuclear strategist for the
-		   White House's National Security Council, Washington
-		   Post, 21 March, 1982
-%
-"Yes, that was Richard Nixon.  He used to be President.  When he left
-the White House, the Secret Service would count the silverware."
-		-- Woody Allen, "Sleeper"
-%
-"You and I as individuals can, by borrowing, live beyond our means, but
-only for a limited period of time.  Why should we think that collectively,
-as a nation, we are not bound by that same limitation?"
-		-- Ronald Reagan
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-You buy a judge by weight, like iron in a junk yard.  A justice of the
-peace or a magistrate can be had for a five-dollar bill.  In the
-municipal courts, he will cost you ten.  In the circuit or superior
-courts, he wants fifteen.  The state appellate courts or the state
-supreme court is on a par with the Federal courts.  By the time a judge
-reaches such courts, he is middle-aged, thick around the middle, fat
-between the ears.  He's heavy.  You can't buy a Federal judge for less
-than a twenty-dollar bill.
-		-- Jake "Greasy Thumb" Guzik
-%
-You can build a throne out of bayonets, but you can't sit on it for very long.
-		-- Boris Yeltsin
-%
-You can't depend on the man who made the mess to clean it up.
-		-- Richard Nixon, 1952
-%
-You can't underestimate the power of fear.
-		-- Tricia Nixon
-%
-You couldn't even prove the White House staff sane beyond a reasonable doubt.
-		-- Ed Meese, on the Hinckley verdict
-%
-You guys have been practicing discrimination for years.  Now it's our turn.
-		-- Thurgood Marshall, quoted by Justice Douglas
-%
-You know very well that whether you are on page one or page thirty depends
-on whether [the press] fear you.  It is just as simple as that.
-		-- Richard Nixon
-%
-You need only reflect that one of the best ways to get yourself a reputation
-as a dangerous citizen these days is to go about repeating the very phrases
-which our founding fathers used in the struggle for independence.
-		-- Charles A. Beard
-%