fortune-teller 0.1.2 → 0.3.0

package/fortunes/food

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-1893 The ideal brain tonic
-1900 Drink Coca-Cola -- delicious and refreshing -- 5 cents at all
-	soda fountains
-1905 Is the favorite drink for LADIES when thirsty -- weary -- despondent
-1905 Refreshes the weary, brightens the intellect and clears the brain
-1906 The drink of QUALITY
-1907 Good to the last drop
-1907 It satisfies the thirst and pleases the palate
-1907 Refreshing as a summer breeze.  Delightful as a Dip in the Sea
-1908 The Drink that Cheers but does not inebriate
-1917 There's a delicious freshness to the taste of Coca-Cola
-1919 It satisfies thirst
-1919 The taste is the test
-1922 Every glass holds the answer to thirst
-1922 Thirst knows no season
-1925 Enjoy the sociable drink
-		-- Coca-Cola slogans
-%
-1925 With a drink so good, 'tis folly to be thirsty
-1929 The high sign of refreshment
-1929 The pause that refreshes
-1930 It had to be good to get where it is
-1932 The drink that makes a pause refreshing
-1935 The pause that brings friends together
-1937 STOP for a pause... GO refreshed
-1938 The best friend thirst ever had
-1939 Thirst stops here
-1942 It's the real thing
-1947 Have a Coke
-1961 Zing! what a REFRESHING NEW FEELING
-1963 Things go better with Coke
-1969 Face Uncle Sam with a Coke in your hand
-1979 Have a Coke and a smile
-1982 Coke is it!
-		-- Coca-Cola slogans
-%
-	A couple of kids tried using pickles instead of paddles for a Ping-Pong
-game.  They had the volley of the Dills.
-%
-	A farm in the country side had several turkeys, it was known as the
-house of seven gobbles.
-%
-A gourmet who thinks of calories is like a tart that looks at her watch.
-		-- James Beard
-%
-	A new chef from India was fired a week after starting the job.  He
-kept favoring curry.
-%
-A waist is a terrible thing to mind.
-		-- Ziggy
-%
-	A wife started serving chopped meat, Monday hamburger, Tuesday meat
-loaf, Wednesday tartar steak, and Thursday meatballs.  On Friday morning her
-husband snarled, "How now, ground cow?"
-%
-Actor:	So what do you do for a living?
-Doris:	I work for a company that makes deceptively shallow serving
-	dishes for Chinese restaurants.
-		-- Woody Allen, "Without Feathers"
-%
-Actually, my goal is to have a sandwich named after me.
-%
-	"And what will you do when you grow up to be as big as me?"
-asked the father of his little son.
-	"Diet."
-%
-Anything is good if it's made of chocolate.
-%
-Anything that is good and useful is made of chocolate.
-%
-As he had feared, his orders had been forgotten and everyone had brought
-the potato salad.
-%
-As with most fine things, chocolate has its season.  There is a simple
-memory aid that you can use to determine whether it is the correct time
-to order chocolate dishes: any month whose name contains the letter A,
-E, or U is the proper time for chocolate.
-		-- Sandra Boynton, "Chocolate: The Consuming Passion"
-%
-Be careful when you bite into your hamburger.
-		-- Derek Bok
-%
-BOO!  We changed Coke again!  BLEAH!  BLEAH! 
-%
-Boycott meat -- suck your thumb.
-%
-Carob works on the principle that, when mixed with the right combination of
-fats and sugar, it can duplicate chocolate in color and texture.  Of course,
-the same can be said of dirt.
-%
-Cheese -- milk's leap toward immortality.
-		-- Clifton Fadiman, "Any Number Can Play"
-%
-Chinese saying: "He who speak with forked tongue, not need chopsticks."
-%
-Consider the following axioms carefully:
-	"Everything's better when it sits on a Ritz."
-	and
-	"Everything's better with Blue Bonnet on it."
-What happens if one spreads Blue Bonnet margarine on a Ritz cracker?  The
-thought is frightening.  Is this how God came into being?  Try not to
-consider the fact that "Things go better with Coke".
-%
-Dear Mister Language Person: I am curious about the expression, "Part of
-this complete breakfast".  The way it comes up is, my 5-year-old will be
-watching TV cartoon shows in the morning, and they'll show a commercial for
-a children's compressed breakfast compound such as "Froot Loops" or "Lucky
-Charms", and they always show it sitting on a table next to some actual food
-such as eggs, and the announcer always says: "Part of this complete
-breakfast".  Don't that really mean, "Adjacent to this complete breakfast",
-or "On the same table as this complete breakfast"?  And couldn't they make
-essentially the same claim if, instead of Froot Loops, they put a can of
-shaving cream there, or a dead bat?
-
-Answer: Yes.
-		-- Dave Barry, "Tips for Writer's"
-%
-Death before dishonor.  But neither before breakfast.
-%
-Did you hear that Captain Crunch, Sugar Bear, Tony the Tiger, and
-Snap, Crackle and Pop were all murdered recently...
-
-Police suspect the work of a cereal killer!
-%
-Dieters live life in the fasting lane.
-%
-Dinner is ready when the smoke alarm goes off.
-%
-Do not drink coffee in early A.M.  It will keep you awake until noon.
-%
-Do not worry about which side your bread is buttered on: you eat BOTH sides.
-%
-Do you feel personally responsible for the world food shortage?
-Every time you go to the beach, does the tide come in?
-Have you ever eaten an entire moose?
-Can you see your neck?
-Do joggers take laps around you for exercise?
-If so, welcome to National Fat Week.
-This week we'll eat without guilt, and kick off our membership campaign,
-	...by force-feeding a box of cornstarch to a skinny person.
-		-- Garfield
-%
-	During the American Revolution, a Britisher tried to raid a farm.  He
-stumbled across a rock on the ground and fell, whereupon an agressive Rhode
-Island Red hopped on top.  Seeing this, the farmer commented, "Chicken catch
-a Tory!"
-%
-Eat as much as you like -- just don't swallow it.
-		-- Harry Secombe's diet
-%
-Eat drink and be merry!  Tommorrow you may be in Utah.
-%
-Eat drink and be merry, for tomorrow they may make it illegal.
-%
-Eat drink and be merry, for tomorrow we diet.
-%
-Eat right, stay fit, and die anyway.
-%
-"Eat, drink, and be merry, for tomorrow you may work."
-%
-Eating chocolate is like being in love without the aggravation.
-%
-Even a blind pig stumbles upon a few acorns.
-%
-Even a cabbage may look at a king.
-%
-Every time I lose weight, it finds me again!
-%
-Everything I like is either illegal, immoral or fattening.
-		-- Alexander Woollcott
-%
-Everything is worth precisely as much as a belch, the difference being
-that a belch is more satisfying.
-		-- Ingmar Bergman
-%
-Fat Liberation: because a waist is a terrible thing to mind.
-%
-Fat people of the world unite, we've got nothing to lose!
-%
-Food for thought is no substitute for the real thing.
-		-- Walt Kelly, "Potluck Pogo"
-%
-For those of you who have been unfortunate enough to never have tasted the
-'Great Chieftain O' the Pudden Race' (i.e. haggis) here is an easy to follow
-recipe which results in a dish remarkably similar to the above mentioned
-protected species.
-	Ingredients:
-	  1 Sheep's Pluck (heart, lungs, liver) and bag
-	  2 teacupsful toasted oatmeal
-	  1 teaspoonful salt
-	  8 oz. shredded suet
-	  2 small onions
-	1/2 teaspoonful black pepper
-    
-	Scrape and clean bag in cold, then warm, water.  Soak in salt water
-overnight.  Wash pluck, then boil for 2 hours with windpipe draining over
-the side of pot.  Retain 1 pint of stock.  Cut off windpipe, remove surplus
-gristle, chop or mince heart and lungs, and grate best part of liver (about
-half only).  Parboil and chop onions, mix all together with oatmeal, suet,
-salt, pepper and stock to moisten.  Pack the mixture into bag, allowing for
-swelling.  Boil for three hours, pricking regularly all over.  If bag not
-available, steam in greased basin covered by greaseproof paper and cloth for
-four to five hours.
-%
-Fortune's Contribution of the Month to the Animal Rights Debate:
-
-	I'll stay out of animals' way if they'll stay out of mine.
-	"Hey you, get off my plate"
-		-- Roger Midnight
-%
-Fortune's diet truths:
-1:  Forget what the cookbooks say, plain yogurt tastes nothing like sour cream.
-2:  Any recipe calling for soybeans tastes like mud.
-3:  Carob is not an acceptable substitute for chocolate.  In fact, carob is not
-    an acceptable substitute for anything, except, perhaps, brown shoe polish.
-4:  There is no such thing as a "fun salad."  So let's stop pretending and see
-    salads for what they are:  God's punishment for being fat.
-5:  Fruit salad without maraschino cherries and marshmallows is about as
-    appealing as tepid beer.
-6:  A world lacking gravy is a tragic place!
-7:  You should immediately pass up any recipes entitled "luscious and
-    low-cal."  Also skip dishes featuring "lively liver."  They aren't and
-    it isn't.
-8:  Wearing a blindfold often makes many diet foods more palatable.
-9:  Fresh fruit is not dessert.  CAKE is dessert!
-10: Okra tastes slightly worse than its name implies.
-11: A plain baked potato isn't worth the effort involved in chewing and
-    swallowing.
-%
-God must have loved calories, she made so many of them.
-%
-GREAT MOMENTS IN HISTORY (#7):  November 23, 1915
-
-Pancake make-up is invented; most people continue to prefer syrup.
-%
-Has anyone ever tasted an "end"?  Are they really bitter?
-%
-		        Has your family tried 'em?
-
-			   POWDERMILK BISCUITS
-
-		 Heavens, they're tasty and expeditious!
-
-	    They're made from whole wheat, to give shy persons
-	   the strength to get up and do what needs to be done.
-
-			   POWDERMILK BISCUITS
-
-	Buy them ready-made in the big blue box with the picture of
-	the biscuit on the front, or in the brown bag with the dark
-		     stains that indicate freshness.
-%
-Have a taco.
-		-- P.S. Beagle
-%
-Home on the Range was originally written in beef-flat.
-%
-Hors d'oeuvres -- a ham sandwich cut into forty pieces.
-		-- Jack Benny
-%
-	"How did you spend the weekend?" asked the pretty brunette secretary
-of her blonde companion.
-	"Fishing through the ice," she replied.
-	"Fishing through the ice?   Whatever for?"
-	"Olives."
-%
-How many hors d'oeuvres you are allowed to take off a tray being carried by
-a waiter at a nice party?
-	Two, but there are ways around it, depending on the style of the hors
-d'oeuvre.  If they're those little pastry things where you can't tell what's
-inside, you take one, bite off about two-thirds of it, then say:  "This is
-cheese!  I hate cheese!"  Then you put the rest of it back on the tray and
-bite another one and go, "Darn it!  Another cheese!" and so on.
-		-- Dave Barry, "The Stuff of Etiquette"
-%
-I am so optimistic about beef prices that I've just leased a pot roast
-with an option to buy.
-%
-I brake for chezlogs!
-%
-I couldn't remember when I had been so disappointed.  Except perhaps the
-time I found out that M&Ms really DO melt in your hand.
-		-- Peter Oakley
-%
-I don't care for the Sugar Smacks commercial.  I don't like the idea of
-a frog jumping on my Breakfast.
-		-- Lowell, Chicago Reader 10/15/82
-%
-I don't care where I sit as long as I get fed.
-		-- Calvin Trillin
-%
-I don't even butter my bread.  I consider that cooking.
-		-- Katherine Cebrian
-%
-I don't have an eating problem.  I eat.  I get fat.  I buy new clothes.
-No problem.
-%
-"I don't like spinach, and I'm glad I don't, because if I liked it I'd
-eat it, and I just hate it."
-		-- Clarence Darrow
-%
-I have never been one to sacrifice my appetite on the altar of appearance.
-		-- A.M. Readyhough
-%
-I have no doubt that it is a part of the destiny of the human race, 
-in its gradual improvement, to leave off eating animals.    
-		-- Thoreau
-%
-I just ate a whole package of Sweet Tarts and a can of Coke. I think I saw God.
-		-- B. Hathrume Duk
-%
-I never met a piece of chocolate I didn't like.
-%
-I never pray before meals -- my mom's a good cook.
-%
-	"I thought you were trying to get into shape."
-	"I am. The shape I've selected is a triangle."
-%
-I'm hungry, time to eat lunch.
-%
-I've been on a diet for two weeks and all I've lost is two weeks.
-		-- Totie Fields
-%
-If at first you fricasee, fry, fry again.
-%
-If food be the music of love, eat up, eat up.
-%
-If puns were deli meat, this would be the wurst.
-%
-If you are what you eat, does that mean Euell Gibbons really was a nut?
-%
-If you put your supper dish to your ear you can hear the sounds of a
-restaurant.
-		-- Snoopy
-%
-If you see an onion ring -- answer it!
-%
-If you stew apples like cranberries, they taste more like prunes than
-rhubarb does.
-		-- Groucho Marx
-%
-If you waste your time cooking, you'll miss the next meal.
-%
-If you're going to America, bring your own food.
-		-- Fran Lebowitz, "Social Studies"
-%
-If your bread is stale, make toast.
-%
-In Mexico we have a word for sushi: bait.
-		-- Josi Simon
-%
-Is there life before breakfast?
-%
-It is a hard matter, my fellow citizens, to argue with the belly,
-since it has no ears.
-		-- Marcus Porcius Cato
-%
-IT MAKES ME MAD when I go to all the trouble of having Marta cook up about
-a hundred drumsticks, then the guy at Marineland says, "You can't throw
-that chicken to the dolphins. They eat fish."
-
-Sure they eat fish if that's all you give them!  Man, wise up.
-		-- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988.
-%
-It was a brave man that ate the first oyster.
-%
-It would be nice if the Food and Drug Administration stopped issuing warnings
-about toxic substances and just gave me the names of one or two things still
-safe to eat.
-		-- Robert Fuoss
-%
-It's raisins that make Post Raisin Bran so raisiny ...
-%
-It's so beautifully arranged on the plate -- you know someone's fingers
-have been all over it.
-		-- Julia Child on nouvelle cuisine.
-%
-Just a few of the perfect excuses for having some strawberry shortcake.
-Pick one.
-
-	 (1)	It's less calories than two pieces of strawberry shortcake.
-	 (2)	It's cheaper than going to France.
-	 (3)	It neutralizes the brownies I had yesterday.
-	 (4)	Life is short.
-	 (5)	It's somebody's birthday.  I don't want them to celebrate alone.
-	 (6)	It matches my eyes.
-	 (7)	Whoever said, "Let them eat cake." must have been talking to me.
-	 (8)	To punish myself for eating dessert yesterday.
-	 (9)	Compensation for all the time I spend in the shower not eating.
-	(10)	Strawberry shortcake is evil.  I must help rid the world of it.
-	(11)	I'm getting weak from eating all that healthy stuff.
-	(12)	It's the second anniversary of the night I ate plain broccoli.
-%
-Killing turkeys causes winter.
-%
-Kissing don't last, cookery do.
-		-- George Meredith
-%
-Kitchen activity is highlighted.  Butter up a friend.
-%
-Last night I dreamed I ate a ten-pound marshmallow, and when I woke up
-the pillow was gone.
-		-- Tommy Cooper
-%
-Last week's pet, this week's special.
-%
-Let not the sands of time get in your lunch.
-%
-Life is like a bowl of soup with hairs floating on it.  You have to
-eat it nevertheless.
-		-- Flaubert
-%
-"Life is like a buffet; it's not good but there's plenty of it."
-%
-Life is like a tin of sardines.  We're, all of us, looking for the key.
-		-- Beyond the Fringe
-%
-Life is like an egg stain on your chin -- you can lick it, but it still
-won't go away.
-%
-Life is like an onion: you peel it off one layer at a time, and sometimes
-you weep.
-		-- Carl Sandburg
-%
-Life is like an onion: you peel off layer after layer and then you find
-there is nothing in it.
-		-- James Huneker
-%
-Life is too short to stuff a mushroom.
-		-- Storm Jameson
-%
-Life without caffeine is stimulating enough.
-		-- Sanka Ad
-%
-Living here in Rio, I have lots of coffees to choose from.  And when
-you're on the lam like me, you appreciate a good cup of coffee.
-		-- "Great Train Robber" Ronald Biggs' coffee commercial
-%
-Lobster:
-	Everyone loves these delectable crustaceans, but many cooks are
-squeamish about placing them into boiling water alive, which is the only
-proper method of preparing them.  Frankly, the easiest way to eliminate your
-guilt is to establish theirs by putting them on trial before they're cooked.
-The fact is, lobsters are among the most ferocious predators on the sea
-floor, and you're helping reduce crime in the reefs.  Grasp the lobster
-behind the head, look it right in its unmistakably guilty eyestalks and say,
-"Where were you on the night of the 21st?", then flourish a picture of a
-scallop or a sole and shout, "Perhaps this will refresh that crude neural
-apparatus you call a memory!"  The lobster will squirm noticeably.  It may
-even take a swipe at you with one of its claws.  Incorrigible.  Pop it into
-the pot.  Justice has been served, and shortly you and your friends will
-be, too.
-		-- Dave Barry, "Cooking: The Art of Using Appliances and
-		   Utensils into Excuses and Apologies"
-%
-Man who arrives at party two hours late will find he has been beaten
-to the punch.
-%
-MOCK APPLE PIE (No Apples Needed)
-
-  Pastry to two crust 9-inch pie	36 RITZ Crackers
-2 cups water				 2 cups sugar
-2 teaspoons cream of tartar		 2 tablespoons lemon juice
-  Grated rind of one lemon		   Butter or margarine
-  Cinnamon
-
-Roll out bottom crust of pastry and fit into 9-inch pie plate.  Break
-RITZ Crackers coarsely into pastry-lined plate.  Combine water, sugar
-and cream of tartar in saucepan, boil gently for 15 minutes.  Add lemon
-juice and rind.  Cool.  Pour this syrup over Crackers, dot generously
-with butter or margarine and sprinkle with cinnamon.  Cover with top
-crust.  Trim and flute edges together.  Cut slits in top crust to let
-steam escape.  Bake in a hot oven (425 F) 30 to 35 minutes, until crust
-is crisp and golden.  Serve warm.  Cut into 6 to 8 slices.
-		-- Found lurking on a Ritz Crackers box
-%
-Most people eat as though they were fattening themselves for market.
-		-- E.W. Howe
-%
-Mountain Dew and doughnuts...  because breakfast is the most important meal
-of the day.
-%
-My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four.  Unless there
-are three other people.
-		-- Orson Welles
-%
-My favorite sandwich is peanut butter, baloney, cheddar cheese, lettuce
-and mayonnaise on toasted bread with catsup on the side.
-		-- Senator Hubert Humphrey
-%
-My weight is perfect for my height -- which varies.
-%
-Never drink coke in a moving elevator.  The elevator's motion coupled with
-the chemicals in coke produce hallucinations.  People tend to change into
-lizards and attack without warning, and large bats usually fly in the
-window.  Additionally, you begin to believe that elevators have windows.
-%
-Never eat anything bigger than your head.
-%
-Never eat more than you can lift.
-		-- Miss Piggy
-%
-No man in the world has more courage than the man who can stop after
-eating one peanut.
-		-- Channing Pollock
-%
-Nothing takes the taste out of peanut butter quite like unrequited love.
-		-- Charlie Brown
-%
-Now that you've read Fortune's diet truths, you'll be prepared the next
-time some housewife or boutique-owner-turned-diet-expert appears on TV
-to plug her latest book.  And, if you still feel a twinge of guilt for
-eating coffee cake while listening to her exhortations, ask yourself
-the following questions:
-
-	(1) Do I dare trust a person who actually considers alfalfa sprouts a
-	    food?
-	(2) Was the author's sole motive in writing this book to get rich
-	    exploiting the forlorn hopes of chubby people like me?
-	(3) Would a longer life be worthwhile if it had to be lived as
-	    prescribed ... without French-fried onion rings, pizza with
-	    double cheese, or the occasional Mai-Tai?  (Remember, living
-	    right doesn't really make you live longer, it just *seems* like
-	    longer.)
-
-That, and another piece of coffee cake, should do the trick.
-%
-Peanut Blossoms
-
-4 cups sugar           16 tbsp. milk
-4 cups brown sugar     4 tsp. vanilla
-4 cups shortening      14 cups flour
-8 eggs                 4 tsp. soda
-4 cups peanut butter   4 tsp. salt
-
-Shape dough into balls.  Roll in sugar and bake on ungreased cookie
-sheet at 375 F. for 10-12 minutes.  Immediately top each cookie with a
-Hershey's kiss or star pressing down firmly to crack cookie.  Makes a
-heck of a lot.
-%
-Pete:	Waiter, this meat is bad.
-Waiter:	Who told you?
-Pete:	A little swallow.
-%
-Peter's hungry, time to eat lunch.
-%
-Preserve wildlife -- pickle a squirrel today!
-%
-Prunes give you a run for your money.
-%
-Put a pot of chili on the stove to simmer.  Let it simmer.  Meanwhile,
-broil a good steak.  Eat the steak.  Let the chili simmer.  Ignore it.
-		-- Recipe for chili from Allan Shrivers, former governor
-		   of Texas.
-%
-Put cats in the coffee and mice in the tea!
-%
-Remember, DESSERT is spelled with two `s's while DESERT is spelled with
-one, because EVERYONE wants two desserts, but NO ONE wants two deserts.
-		-- Miss Oglethorp, Gr. 5, PS. 59
-%
-RULES OF EATING -- THE BRONX DIETER'S CREED
-	(1)  Never eat on an empty stomach.
-	(2)  Never leave the table hungry.
-	(3)  When traveling, never leave a country hungry.
-	(4)  Enjoy your food.
-	(5)  Enjoy your companion's food.
-	(6)  Really taste your food.  It may take several portions to
-	     accomplish this, especially if subtly seasoned.
-	(7)  Really feel your food.  Texture is important.  Compare,
-	     for example, the texture of a turnip to that of a
-	     brownie.  Which feels better against your cheeks?
-	(8)  Never eat between snacks, unless it's a meal.
-	(9)  Don't feel you must finish everything on your plate.  You
-	     can always eat it later.
-	(10) Avoid any wine with a childproof cap.
-	(11) Avoid blue food.
-		-- Richard Smith, "The Bronx Diet"
-%
-Sacred cows make great hamburgers.
-%
-Save gas, don't eat beans.
-%
-Seeing is deceiving.  It's eating that's believing.
-		-- James Thurber
-%
-So much food; so little time!
-%
-Some circumstantial evidence is very strong, as when you find a trout in
-the milk.
-		-- Thoreau
-%
-The basic menu item, in fact the ONLY menu item, would be a food unit called
-the "patty," consisting of -- this would be guaranteed in writing -- "100
-percent animal matter of some kind." All patties would be heated up and then
-cooled back down in electronic devices immediately before serving.  The
-Breakfast Patty would be a patty on a bun with lettuce, tomato, onion, egg,
-Ba-Ko-Bits, Cheez Whiz, a Special Sauce made by pouring ketchup out of a
-bottle and a little slip of paper stating: "Inspected by Number 12."  The
-Lunch or Dinner Patty would be any Breakfast Patties that didn't get sold in
-the morning. The Seafood Lover's Patty would be any patties that were
-starting to emit a serious aroma.  Patties that were too rank even to be
-Seafood Lover's Patties would be compressed into wads and sold as "Nuggets."
-		-- Dave Barry, "'Mister Mediocre' Restaurants"
-%
-The black bear used to be one of the most commonly seen large animals
-because in Yosemite and Sequoia national parks they lived off of garbage
-and tourist handouts.  This bear has learned to open car doors in
-Yosemite, where damage to automobiles caused by bears runs into the tens
-of thousands of dollars a year.  Campaigns to bearproof all garbage
-containers in wild areas have been difficult, because as one biologist
-put it, "There is a considerable overlap between the intelligence levels
-of the smartest bears and the dumbest tourists."
-%
-The chicken that clucks the loudest is the one most likely to show up
-at the steam fitters' picnic.
-%
-The cow is nothing but a machine which makes grass fit for us people to eat.
-		-- John McNulty
-%
-	   THE DAILY PLANET
-
-	SUPERMAN SAVES DESSERT!
-	Plans to "Eat it later"
-%
-The early bird gets the coffee left over from the night before.
-%
-The History of every major Galactic Civilization tends to pass through
-three distinct and recognizable phases, those of Survival, Inquiry, and
-Sophistication, otherwise known as the How, Why, and Where phases.  For
-instance, the first phase is characterized by the question "How can we eat?"
-the second by "Why do we eat?" and the third by "Where shall we have lunch?".
-		-- Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy
-%
-The Kosher Dill was invented in 1723 by Joe Kosher and Sam Dill.  It is
-the single most popular pickle variety today, enjoyed throughout the free
-world by man, woman and child alike.  An astounding 350 billion kosher
-dills are eaten each year, averaging out to almost 1/4 pickle per person
-per day.  New York Times food critic Mimi Sheraton says "The kosher dill
-really changed my life.  I used to enjoy eating McDonald's hamburgers and
-drinking Iron City Lite, and then I encountered the kosher dill pickle.
-I realized that there was far more to haute cuisine then I'd ever imagined.
-And now, just look at me."
-%
-The men sat sipping their tea in silence.  After a while the klutz said,
-	"Life is like a bowl of sour cream."
-	"Like a bowl of sour cream?" asked the other.  "Why?"
-	"How should I know?  What am I, a philosopher?"
-%
-The most exquisite peak in culinary art is conquered when you do right by a
-ham, for a ham, in the very nature of the process it has undergone since last
-it walked on its own feet, combines in its flavor the tang of smoky autumnal
-woods, the maternal softness of earthy fields delivered of their crop children,
-the wineyness of a late sun, the intimate kiss of fertilizing rain, and the
-bite of fire.  You must slice it thin, almost as thin as this page you hold
-in your hands.  The making of a ham dinner, like the making of a gentleman,
-starts a long, long time before the event.
-		-- W.B. Courtney, "Reflections of Maryland Country Ham",
-		   from "Congress Eate It Up"
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-The most remarkable thing about my mother is that for thirty years she served
-the family nothing but leftovers.  The original meal has never been found.
-		-- Calvin Trillin
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-"The National Association of Theater Concessionaires reported that in
-1986, 60% of all candy sold in movie theaters was sold to Roger Ebert."
-		-- D. Letterman
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-The number of feet in a yard is directly proportional to the success
-of the barbecue.
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-The number of licorice gumballs you get out of a gumball machine
-increases in direct proportion to how much you hate licorice.
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-The only thing better than love is milk.
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-The reason it's called "Grape Nuts" is that it contains "dextrose", which is
-also sometimes called "grape sugar," and also because "Grape Nuts" is
-catchier, in terms of marketing, than "A Cross Between Gerbil Food and
-Gravel," which is what it tastes like.
-		-- Dave Barry, "Tips for Writer's"
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-The scene: in a vast, painted desert, a cowboy faces his horse.
-
-Cowboy:	"Well, you've been a pretty good hoss, I guess.  Hardworkin'.
-	Not the fastest critter I ever come acrost, but..."
-
-Horse:  "No, stupid, not feed*back*.  I said I wanted a feed*bag*.
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-The trouble with eating Italian food is that five or six days later
-you're hungry again.
-		-- George Miller
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-The way to a man's stomach is through his esophagus.
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-There are three possible parts to a date, of which at least two must be
-offered: entertainment, food, and affection. It is customary to begin a
-series of dates with a great deal of entertainment, a moderate amount of
-food, and the merest suggestion of affection. As the amount of affection
-increases, the entertainment can be reduced proportionately. When the
-affection IS the entertainment, we no longer call it dating. Under no
-circumstances can the food be omitted.
-		-- Miss Manners' Guide to Excruciatingly Correct Behaviour
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-There are times when truth is stranger than fiction and lunch time is one
-of them.
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-There are twenty-five people left in the world, and twenty-seven of
-them are hamburgers.
-		-- Ed Sanders
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-There is more simplicity in the man who eats caviar on impulse than in the
-man who eats Grape-Nuts on principle.
-		-- G.K. Chesterton
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-There is no sincerer love than the love of food.
-		-- George Bernard Shaw
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-There's always free cheese in a mousetrap.
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-There's nothing like the face of a kid eating a Hershey bar.
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-Thirteen at a table is unlucky only when the hostess has only twelve chops.
-		-- Groucho Marx
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-This is Betty Frenel.  I don't know who to call but I can't reach my
-Food-a-holics partner.  I'm at Vido's on my second pizza with sausage
-and mushroom.  Jim, come and get me!
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-This is National Non-Dairy Creamer Week.
-%
-	... This striving for excellence extends into people's personal
-lives as well.  When '80s people buy something, they buy the best one, as
-determined by (1) price and (2) lack of availability. Eighties people buy
-imported dental floss.  They buy gourmet baking soda.  If an '80s couple
-goes to a restaurant where they have made a reservation three weeks in
-advance, and they are informed that their table is available, they stalk
-out immediately, because they know it is not an excellent restaurant.  If
-it were, it would have an enormous crowd of excellence-oriented people
-like themselves waiting, their beepers going off like crickets in the
-night.  An excellent restaurant wouldn't have a table ready immediately
-for anybody below the rank of Liza Minnelli.
-		-- Dave Barry, "In Search of Excellence"
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-	To lose weight, eat less; to gain weight, eat more; if you merely
-wish to maintain, do whatever you were doing.
-	The Bronx diet is a legitimate system of food therapy showing that
-food SHOULD be used a crutch and which food could be the most effective in
-promoting spiritual and emotional satisfaction.  For the first time, an
-eater could instantly grasp the connection between relieving depression and
-Mallomars, and understand why a lover's quarrel isn't so bad if there's a
-pint of ice cream nearby.
-		-- Richard Smith, "The Bronx Diet"
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-To see the butcher slap the steak, before he laid it on the block,
-and give his knife a sharpening, was to forget breakfast instantly.  It was
-agreeable, too -- it really was -- to see him cut it off, so smooth and juicy.
-There was nothing savage in the act, although the knife was large and keen;
-it was a piece of art, high art; there was delicacy of touch, clearness of
-tone, skilful handling of the subject, fine shading.  It was the triumph of
-mind over matter; quite.
-		-- Dickens, "Martin Chuzzlewit"
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-Tom's hungry, time to eat lunch.
-%
-Too Late
-	A large number of turkies [sic] went to San Francisco yesterday by
-the two o'clock boats.  If their object in going down was to participate in
-the Thanksgiving festivities of that city, they would arrive "the day after
-the affair," and of course be sadly disappointed thereby.
-		-- Sacramento Daily Union, November 29, 1861
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-Two peanuts were walking through the New York.  One was assaulted.
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-Vegetables are what food eats.
-Fruit are vegetables that fool you by tasting good.
-Fish are fast moving vegetables.
-Mushrooms are what grows on vegetables when food's done with them.
-		-- Meat Eater's Credo, according to Jim Williams
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-Vegeterians beware!  You are what you eat.
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-Waiter:	"Tea or coffee, gentlemen?"
-1st customer: "I'll have tea."
-2nd customer: "Me, too -- and be sure the glass is clean!"
-	(Waiter exits, returns)
-Waiter: "Two teas.  Which one asked for the clean glass?"
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-Wake up and smell the coffee.
-		-- Ann Landers
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-What foods these morsels be!
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-What is food to one, is to others bitter poison.
-		-- Titus Lucretius Carus
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-What is important is food, money and opportunities for scoring off one's
-enemies.  Give a man these three things and you won't hear much squawking
-out of him.
-		-- Brian O'Nolan, "The Best of Myles"
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-When a person goes on a diet, the first thing he loses is his temper.
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-When all else fails, EAT!!!
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-When my brain begins to reel from my literary labors, I make an occasional
-cheese dip.
-		-- Ignatius Reilly
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-	"When you wake up in the morning, Pooh," said Piglet at last,
-"what's the first thing you say to yourself?"
-	"What's for breakfast?" said Pooh.  "What do you say, Piglet?"
-	"I say, I wonder what's going to happen exciting today?" said Piglet.
-	Pooh nodded thoughtfully.  "It's the same thing," he said.
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-When you're dining out and you suspect something's wrong, you're probably right.
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-Where do you go to get anorexia?
-		-- Shelley Winters
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-While it may be true that a watched pot never boils, the one you don't
-keep an eye on can make an awful mess of your stove.
-		-- Edward Stevenson
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-Whoever tells a lie cannot be pure in heart -- and only the pure in heart
-can make a good soup.
-		-- Ludwig Van Beethoven
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-Why do so many foods come packaged in plastic?  It's quite uncanny.
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-Why do they call a fast a fast, when it goes so slow?
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-Without coffee he could not work, or at least he could not have worked in the
-way he did.  In addition to paper and pens, he took with him everywhere as an
-indispensable article of equipment the coffee machine, which was no less
-important to him than his table or his white robe.
-		-- Stefan Zweigs, Biography of Balzac
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-Without ice cream life and fame are meaningless.
-%
-You can always tell the Christmas season is here when you start getting
-incredibly dense, tinfoil-and-ribbon- wrapped lumps in the mail. Fruitcakes
-make ideal gifts because the Postal Service has been unable to find a way to
-damage them.  They last forever, largely because nobody ever eats them.  In
-fact, many smart people save the fruitcakes they receive and send them back
-to the original givers the next year; some fruitcakes have been passed back
-and forth for hundreds of years.
-
-The easiest way to make a fruitcake is to buy a darkish cake, then pound
-some old, hard fruit into it with a mallet.  Be sure to wear safety glasses.
-		-- Dave Barry, "Simple, Homespun Gifts"
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-You don't sew with a fork, so I see no reason to eat with knitting needles.
-		-- Miss Piggy, on eating Chinese Food
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-You first parents of the human race... who ruined yourself for an apple,
-what might you have done for a truffled turkey?
-		-- Brillat-savarin, "Physiologie du Gout"
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-You know you have a small apartment when Rice Krispies echo.
-		-- S. Rickly Christian
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-You know you're a little fat if you have stretch marks on your car.
-		-- Cyrus, Chicago Reader 1/22/82
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-You must dine in our cafeteria.  You can eat dirt cheap there!!!!
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-You should tip the waiter $10, minus $2 if he tells you his name, another $2
-if he claims it will be His Pleasure to serve you and another $2 for each
-"special" he describes involving confusing terms such as "shallots," and $4
-if the menu contains the word "fixin's." In many restaurants, this means the
-waiter will actually owe you money. If you are traveling with a child aged
-six months to three years, you should leave an additional amount equal to
-twice the bill to compensate for the fact that they will have to take the
-banquette out and burn it because the cracks are wedged solid with gobbets
-made of partially chewed former restaurant rolls saturated with baby spit.
-
-In New York, tip the taxicab driver $40 if he does not mention his hemorrhoids.
-		-- Dave Barry, "The Stuff of Etiquette"
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-Your mind is the part of you that says,
-	"Why'n'tcha eat that piece of cake?"
-... and then, twenty minutes later, says,
-	"Y'know, if I were you, I wouldn't have done that!"
-		-- Steven and Ondrea Levine
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