fortune-teller 0.1.2 → 0.3.0

package/fortunes/men-women

@@ -1,2556 +0,0 @@
-94% of the women in America are beautiful and the rest hang out around here.
-%
-A bachelor is a man who never made the same mistake once.
-%
-A bachelor is a selfish, undeserving guy who has cheated some woman out
-of a divorce.
-		-- Don Quinn
-%
-A bachelor is an unaltared male.
-%
-A bachelor never quite gets over the idea that he is a thing of beauty
-and a boy for ever.
-		-- Helen Rowland
-%
-A bad marriage is like a horse with a broken leg, you can shoot
-the horse, but it don't fix the leg.
-%
-A beautiful man is paradise for the eyes, hell for the soul, and
-purgatory for the purse. 
-%
-A beautiful woman is a blessing from Heaven, but a good cigar is a smoke.
-		-- Kipling
-%
-A beautiful woman is a picture which drives all beholders nobly mad.
-		-- Emerson
-%
-A boy can learn a lot from a dog: obedience, loyalty, and the importance
-of turning around three times before lying down.
-		-- Robert Benchley
-%
-A boy gets to be a man when a man is needed.
-		-- John Steinbeck
-%
-A Chicago salesman was about to check into a St. Louis hotel when he noticed
-a very charming woman staring admiringly at him.  He walked over and spoke 
-with her for a few minutes, then returned to the front desk, where they checked
-in as Mr. and Mrs.
-	After a very pleasurable three-day stay, the man approached the front 
-desk and told the clerk he was checking out.  In a few minutes, he was handed
-a bill for $2500.
-	"There must be some mistake," the salesman said.  "I've been here for
-only three days."
-	"Yes, sir," the clerk replied.  "But your wife has been here a month
-and a half."
-%
-A Code of Honour: never approach a friend's girlfriend or wife with mischief
-as your goal.  There are too many women in the world to justify that sort of
-dishonourable behaviour.  Unless she's really attractive.
-		-- Bruce J. Friedman, "Sex and the Lonely Guy"
-%
-A diplomat is man who always remembers a woman's birthday but never her age.
-		-- Robert Frost
-%
-A diplomatic husband said to his wife, "How do you expect me to remember
-your birthday when you never look any older?"
-%
-	A domineering man married a mere wisp of a girl.  He came back from
-his honeymoon a chastened man.  He'd become aware of the will of the wisp.
-%
-A figure with curves always offers a lot of interesting angles.
-%
-A flashy Mercedes-Benz roared up to the curb where a cute young miss stood
-waiting for a taxi.
-	"Hi," said the gentleman at the wheel.  "I'm going west."
-	"How wonderful," came the cool reply.  "Bring me back an orange."
-%
-A fool and his honey are soon parted.
-%
-A fox is a wolf who sends flowers.
-		-- Ruth Weston
-%
-A gentleman is a man who wouldn't hit a lady with his hat on.
-		-- Evan Esar
-		[ And why not?  For why does she have his hat on?  Ed.]
-%
-A gentleman never strikes a lady with his hat on.
-		-- Fred Allen
-%
-A girl and a boy bump into each other -- surely an accident.
-A girl and a boy bump and her handkerchief drops -- surely another accident.
-But when a girl gives a boy a dead squid -- *____that ___had __to ____mean _________something*.
-		-- S. Morganstern, "The Silent Gondoliers"
-%
-A girl with a future avoids the man with a past.
-		-- Evan Esar, "The Humor of Humor"
-%
-A girl's best friend is her mutter.
-		-- Dorothy Parker
-%
-A girl's conscience doesn't really keep her from doing anything wrong--
-it merely keeps her from enjoying it.
-%
-A good man always knows his limitations.
-		-- Harry Callahan
-%
-A good marriage would be between a blind wife and deaf husband.
-		-- Michel de Montaigne
-%
-A guy has to get fresh once in a while so a girl doesn't lose her confidence.
-%
-A hammer sometimes misses its mark - a bouquet never.
-%
-A husband is what is left of the lover after the nerve has been extracted.
-		-- Helen Rowland
-%
-A lady is one who never shows her underwear unintentionally.
-		-- Lillian Day
-%
-A man always needs to remember one thing about a beautiful woman.
-
-Somewhere, somebody's tired of her.
-%
-A man always remembers his first love with special tenderness, but after
-that begins to bunch them.
-		-- Mencken
-%
-A man arrived home early to find his wife in the arms of his best friend,
-who swore how much they were in love.  To quiet the enraged husband, the
-lover suggested, "Friends shouldn't fight, let's play gin rummy.  If I win,
-you get a divorce so I can marry her.  If you win, I promise never to see
-her again.  Okay?"
-
-"Alright," agreed the husband.  "But how about a quarter a point
-on the side to make it interesting?"
-%
-A man can have two, maybe three love affairs while he's married.  After
-that it's cheating.
-		-- Yves Montand
-%
-A man does not look behind the door unless he has stood there himself.
-		-- Du Bois
-%
-A man in love is incomplete until he is married.  Then he is finished.
-		-- Zsa Zsa Gabor, "Newsweek"
-%
-A man is already halfway in love with any woman who listens to him.
-		-- Brendan Francis
-%
-A man is like a rusty wheel on a rusty cart,
-He sings his song as he rattles along and then he falls apart.
-		-- Richard Thompson
-%
-A man may be so much of everything that he is nothing of anything.
-		-- Samuel Johnson
-%
-A man may sometimes be forgiven the kiss to which he is not entitled,
-but never the kiss he has not the initiative to claim.
-%
-A man sank into the psychiatrist's couch and said, "I have a
-terrible problem, Doctor.  I have a son at Harvard and another son at
-Princeton; I've just gifted each of them with a new Ferrari; I've got
-homes in Beverly Hills, Palm Beach, and a co-op in New York; and I've
-got a thriving ranch in Venezuela.  My wife is a gorgeous young actress
-who considers my two mistresses to be her best friends."
-	The psychiatrist looked at the patient, confused.  "Did I miss
-something?  It sounds to me like you have no problems at all."
-	"But, Doctor, I only make $175 a week."
-%
-A man took his wife deer hunting for the first time.  After he'd given her
-some basic instructions, they agreed to separate and rendezvous later.  Before
-he left, he warned her if she should fell a deer to be wary of hunters who
-might beat her to the carcass and claim the kill.  If that happened, he told
-her, she should fire her gun three times into the air and he would come to
-her aid.  
-	Shortly after they separated, he heard a single shot, followed quickly
-by the agreed upon signal.  Running to the scene, he found his wife standing
-in a small clearing with a very nervous man staring down her gun barrel.
-	"He claims this is his," she said, obviously very upset.
-	"She can keep it, she can keep it!" the wide-eyed man replied.  "I
-just want to get my saddle back!"
-%
-A man usually falls in love with a woman who asks the kinds of questions
-he is able to answer.
-		-- Ronald Colman
-%
-A man was griping to his friend about how he hated to go home after a
-late card games.
-	"You wouldn't believe what I go through to avoid waking my wife,"
-he said.  "First, I kill the engine a block away from the house and coast
-into the garage.  Then I open the door slowly, take off my shoes, and
-tiptoe to our room.  But just as I'm about to slide into bed, she always
-wakes up and gives me hell."
-	"I make a big racket when I go home," his friend replied.
-	"You do?"
-	"Sure.  I honk the horn, slam the door, turn on all the lights,
-stomp up to the bedroom and give my wife a big kiss.  `Hi, Alice,' I say.
-`How about a little smooch for your old man?'"
-	"And what does she say?" his friend asked in disbelief.
-	"She doesn't say anything," his buddy replied.  "She always pretends
-she's asleep."
-%
-A man was kneeling by a grave in a cemetery, crying and praying very loudly,
-	"Oh why..eeeee did you die...eeeeee, Oh Why..eeeeee,
-why did you Di......eeee"
-The caretaker walks up, pardons himself and asks politely,
-	"Excuse me, sir, but I've been seeing you for hours now,
-carrying on at this grave.  You must have been very close to the deceased."
-	"No, I never met him.  Oh why....eeeee did you dieeeeee,
-why....eeeee did you.."
-	"Sir, you say you never met this person, yet you carry on so?
-Tell, me who is buried here?"
-	"My wife's first husband."
-%
-A man was talking to his best friend about his married life.  "You know," he
-says, "I really trust my wife, and I think she has always been faithful to
-me, but there's *always* that doubt.  There's *always* that little doubt."
-	"Yeah, I know what you mean," his friend replies.
-	"Well, buddy, I've got to leave on a business trip this weekend,
-and I wonder... well... would you watch my house while I'm gone?  I trust
-her, it's just that there's *always* that doubt."
-	The friend agreed to help out and two weeks later gave his report.
-	"I've got some bad news for you," says the friend.  "The evening
-after you left I saw a strange car pull up in front of your house.  A man
-got out of the car and went in the house and had dinner with your wife.
-After dinner they went upstairs and I saw your wife kissing him.  Then, he
-took off his shirt and she took off her blouse.  And then the light went
-out."
-	"*Then* what happened?" said the husband, his eyes opening wide.
-	"Well, I don't know," replied the friend, "it was too dark to see."
-	"Damn!" roared the husband.  "You see what I mean?  There's *always*
-that doubt!"
-%
-A man without a woman is like a statue without pigeons.
-%
-A man wrapped up in himself makes a very small package.
-%
-A man's gotta know his limitations.
-		-- Clint Eastwood, "Dirty Harry"
-%
-A modest woman, dressed out in all her finery, is the most tremendous object
-in the whole creation.
-		-- Goldsmith
-%
-A mother takes twenty years to make a man of her boy, and another woman
-makes a fool of him in twenty minutes.
-		-- Frost
-%
-A pedestal is as much a prison as any small, confined space.
-		-- Gloria Steinem
-%
-A pretty woman can do anything; an ugly woman must do everything.
-%
-A psychiatrist is a fellow who asks you a lot of expensive questions
-your wife asks you for nothing.
-		-- Joey Adams
-%
-	A pushy romeo asked a gorgeous elevator operator, "Don't all these
-stops and starts get you pretty worn out?"  "It isn't the stops and starts
-that get on my nerves, it's the jerks."
-%
-A real gentleman never takes bases unless he really has to.
-		-- Overheard in an algebra lecture.
-%
-A Roman divorced from his wife, being highly blamed by his friends, who
-demanded, "Was she not chaste?  Was she not fair?  Was she not fruitful?"
-holding out his shoe, asked them whether it was not new and well made.
-Yet, added he, none of you can tell where it pinches me.
-		-- Plutarch
-%
-	A Scotsman was strolling across High Street one day wearing his kilt.
-As he neared the far curb, he noticed two young blondes in a red convertible
-eyeing him and giggling.  One of them called out, "Hey, Scotty!  What's worn
-under the kilt?"
-	He strolled over to the side of the car and asked, "Ach, lass, are you
-SURE you want to know?"  Somewhat nervously, the blonde replied yes, she did
-really want to know.
-	The Scotsman leaned closer and confided, "Why, lass, nothing's worn
-under the kilt, everything's in perfect workin' order!"
-%
-A sharper perspective on this matter is particularly important to feminist
-thought today, because a major tendency in feminism has constructed the
-problem of domination as a drama of female vulnerability victimized by male
-aggression.  Even the more sophisticated feminist thinkers frequently shy
-away from the analysis of submission, for fear that in admitting woman's
-participation in the relationship of domination, the onus of responsibility
-will appear to shift from men to women, and the moral victory from women to
-men.  More generally, this has been a weakness of radical politics: to
-idealize the oppressed, as if their politics and culture were untouched by
-the system of domination, as if people did not participate in their own
-submission.  To reduce domination to a simple relation of doer and done-to
-is to substitute moral outrage for analysis.
-		-- Jessica Benjamin, "The Bonds of Love"
-%
-A sociologist, a psychologist, and a engineer were discussing the
-consequences and implications of a married man's having a mistress.  The
-sociologist's opinion was that it is absolutely and categorically unforgivable
-for a married man to forfeit the bond of matrimony, and engage in such lowly
-and lustful pursuits.
-	The psychologist's opinion was that although morally reprehensible,
-if a man MUST have a mistress to achieve his full potential as a human being,
-then -- well -- he may go ahead and choose to have a mistress, as long as he
-is considerate enough to keep this secret from his wife.
-	The engineer then interjected: "I also believe that, if necessary,
-a married man is entitled to a mistress.  However, I do not see why the
-affair should be concealed from the wife.  On the contrary, if the affair
-is out in the open, then on Friday evenings he may tell his wife that he
-is going to see his mistress, tell his mistress that he is going to be with
-his wife, then go to his office and get some work done!"
-%
-A wife lasts only for the length of the marriage, but an ex-wife is there
-*for the rest of your life*.
-		-- Jim Samuels
-%
-A woman can look both moral and exciting -- if she also looks as if it
-were quite a struggle.
-		-- Edna Ferber
-%
-A woman can never be too rich or too thin.
-%
-A woman did what a woman had to, the best way she knew how.
-To do more was impossible, to do less, unthinkable.
-		-- Dirisha, "The Man Who Never Missed"
-%
-A woman forgives the audacity of which her beauty has prompted us to be guilty.
-		-- LeSage
-%
-A woman has got to love a bad man once or twice in her life to be
-thankful for a good one.
-		-- Marjorie Kinnan Rawlings
-%
-A woman is like your shadow; follow her, she flies; fly from her, she follows.
-		-- Chamfort
-%
-A woman may very well form a friendship with a man, but for this to endure,
-it must be assisted by a little physical antipathy.
-		-- Nietzsche
-%
-A woman of generous character will sacrifice her life a thousand times
-over for her lover, but will break with him for ever over a question of
-pride -- for the opening or the shutting of a door.
-		-- Stendhal
-%
-A woman shouldn't have to buy her own perfume.
-		-- Maurine Lewis
-%
-A woman without a man is like a fish without a bicycle.
-		-- Gloria Steinem
-%
-A woman without a man is like a fish without a bicycle.
-Therefore, a man without a woman is like a bicycle without a fish.
-%
-A woman's best protection is a little money of her own.
-		-- Clare Booth Luce, quoted in "The Wit of Women"
-%
-A woman's place is in the house... and in the Senate.
-%
-A woman, especially if she have the misfortune of knowing anything,
-should conceal it as well as she can.
-		-- Jane Austen
-%
-	A young husband with an inferiority complex insisted he was just a
-little pebble on the beach.  The marriage counselor told him, "If you wish to
-save your marriage, you'd better be a little boulder."
-%
-A young man and his girlfriend were walking along Main Street when she spotted
-a beautiful diamond ring in a jewelry-store window.  "Wow, I'd sure love to
-have that!" she gushed.
-	"No problem," her companion replied, throwing a brick through the
-window and grabbing the ring.
-	A few blocks later, the woman admired a full-length sable coat.  "What
-I'd give to own that," she said, sighing.
-	"No problem," he said, throwing a brick through the window and grabbing
-the coat.
-	Finally, turning for home, they passed a car dealership.  "Boy, I'd do
-anything for one of those Rolls-Royces," she said.
-	"Jeez, baby," the guy moaned, "you think I'm made of bricks?"
-%
-A young man enters the New York branch of Tiffany's on a Friday evening and
-walks up to a display case full of pearl necklaces.  He turns to a gorgeous
-woman, who is obviously windowshopping, looks her straight in the eye and
-says, "I can tell by your eyes that you really want that necklace.  If you'll
-allow me, I'd like to buy it for you."
-	The woman looks him up and down; he's wearing a nice suit and some
-pretty nice jewelry, but she has trouble believing this story.
-	"Look, this is some kind of put on, right?"
-	"No, really.  You see, I've got quite a lot of money -- so much that
-I could never spend it all.  I'd really like for you to have it."
-	The guys whips out his checkbook, writes a check for five figures,
-calls over a clerk and hands it to him.  The clerk peers at the check, looks
-at the young man, looks at the check again.  "Very good, sir.  I'm afraid I
-can't release the necklace immediately, would Monday be all right?"
-	"That'll be fine, she'll pick it up." the man replies, and walks out
-of the store with the woman following him in a daze.
-	The next Monday the man comes back in and walks up to the counter.
-The same clerk hurries over to him and says, "Sir, I'm sorry to have to tell
-you this, but your check was returned for insufficient funds."
-	"I know," the man replies.  "I just wanted to thank you for a
-terrific weekend."
-%
-AAAAAAAAAAAaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaccccccccckkkkkk!!!!!!!!!
-You brute!  Knock before entering a ladies room!
-%
-Ain't nothin' an old man can do for me but bring me a message from a young man.
-		-- Moms Mabley
-%
-Alimony is a system by which, when two people make a mistake, one of them
-continues to pay for it.
-		-- Peggy Joyce
-%
-Alimony is like buying oats for a dead horse.
-		-- Arthur Baer
-%
-Alimony is the curse of the writing classes.
-		-- Norman Mailer
-%
-All heiresses are beautiful.
-		-- John Dryden
-%
-All husbands are alike, but they have different faces so you can tell
-them apart.
-%
-All most men really want in life is a wife, a house, two kids and a car,
-a cat, no maybe a dog.  Ummm, scratch one of the kids and add a dog.
-Definitely a dog.
-%
-All the men on my staff can type.
-		-- Bella Abzug
-%
-All work and no pay makes a housewife.
-%
-American culture is based on the automobile, and any young man of promise
-is going to own one and want to travel great distances in it.  Consequently,
-any young woman of aspiration should expect to spend most of her vacations
-in a car, probing into unfamiliar corners.  She is not required to know how
-to drive but she will certainly be expected to read the road map while her
-husband drives, and if she can't, or if she's abnormally slow in giving him
-help, she's bound to cause trouble.  Therefore, you'd think that colleges
-which train the bright young women who're going to marry the bright young
-men who are going to own the Cadillacs that roar back and forth across this
-continent would teach the girls to read maps.  None do. They teach a hundred
-other useless things, but never a word about the one that will cause the
-greatest friction.
-		-- James Michener, "Space"
-%
-	An airplane pilot got engaged to two very pretty women at the same
-time.  One was named Edith; the other named Kate.  They met, discovered they
-had the same fiancee, and told him.  "Get out of our lives you rascal.  We'll
-teach you that you can't have your Kate and Edith, too."
-%
-An optimist is a man who looks forward to marriage.
-A pessimist is a married optimist.
-%
-"And what do you two think you are doing?!" roared the husband, as he came
-upon his wife in bed with another man.  The wife turned and smiled at her
-companion.
-
-"See?" she said.  "I told you he was stupid!"
-%
-And yet I should have dearly liked, I own, to have touched her lips; to
-have questioned her, that she might have opened them; to have looked upon
-the lashes of her downcast eyes, and never raised a blush; to have let
-loose waves of hair, an inch of which would be a keepsake beyond price:
-in short, I should have liked, I do confess, to have had the lightest
-license of a child, and yet been man enough to know its value.
-		-- Charles Dickens
-%
-Another greeting card category consists of those persons who send out
-photographs of their families every year.  In the same mail that brought the
-greetings from Marcia and Philip, my friend found such a conversation piece.
-"My God, Lida is enormous!" she exclaimed.  I don't know why women want to
-record each year, for two or three hundred people to see, the ravages wrought
-upon them, their mates, and their progeny by the artillery of time, but
-between five and seven per cent of Christmas cards, at a rough estimate, are
-family groups, and even the most charitable recipient studies them for little
-signs of dissolution or derangement.  Nothing cheers a woman more, I am afraid,
-than the proof that another woman is letting herself go, or has lost control
-of her figure, or is clearly driving her husband crazy, or is obviously
-drinking more than is good for her, or still doesn't know what to wear.
-Middle-aged husbands in such photographs are often described as looking
-"young enough to be her son," but they don't always escape so easily, and a
-couple opening envelopes in the season of mercy and good will sometimes handle
-a male friend or acquaintance rather sharply.  "Good Lord!" the wife will say.
-"Frank looks like a sex-crazed shotgun slayer, doesn't he?"  "Not to me," the
-husband may reply.  "to me he looks more like a Wilkes-Barre dentist who is
-being sought by the police in connection with the disappearance of a choir
-singer."
-		-- James Thurber, "Merry Christmas"
-%
-Any girl can be glamorous; all you have to do is stand still and look stupid.
-		-- Hedy Lamarr
-%
-Any woman is a volume if one knows how to read her.
-%
-Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot.
-		-- Groucho Marx
-%
-	"Anything else, sir?" asked the attentive bellhop, trying his best
-to make the lady and gentleman comfortable in their penthouse suite in the
-posh hotel.
-	"No.  No, thank you," replied the gentleman.
-	"Anything for your wife, sir?" the bellhop asked.
-	"Why, yes, young man," said the gentleman.  "Would you bring me a
-postcard?"
-%
-As fathers commonly go, it is seldom a misfortune to be fatherless; and
-considering the general run of sons, as seldom a misfortune to be childless.
-
-The only solid and lasting peace between a man and his wife is, doubtless,
-a separation.
-		-- Lord Chesterfield, letter to his son, 1763
-%
-Asked how she felt being the first woman to make a major-league team, she
-said, "Like a pig in mud," or words to that effect, and then turned and
-released a squirt of tobacco juice from the wad of rum soaked plug in her
-right cheek.  She chewed a rare brand of plug called Stuff It, which she
-learned to chew when she was playing Nicaraguan summer ball.  She told the
-writers, "They were so mean to me down there you couldn't write it in your
-newspaper.  I took a gun everywhere I went, even to bed.  *Especially* to
-bed.  Guys were after me like you can't believe.  That's when I started
-chewing tobacco -- because no matter how bad anybody treats you, it's not
-as bad as this.  This is the worst chew in the world.  After this,
-everything else is peaches and cream."  The writers elected Gentleman Jim,
-the Sparrow's P.R. guy, to bite off a chunk and tell them how it tasted,
-and as he sat and chewed it tears ran down his old sunburnt cheeks and he
-couldn't talk for a while. Then he whispered, "You've been chewing this for
-two years?  God, I had no idea it was so hard to be a woman."
-		-- Garrison Keillor
-%
-At last I've found the girl of my dreams.  Last night she said to me,
-"Once more, Strange, and this time *I'll* be Donnie and *you* be Marie.
-		-- Strange de Jim
-%
-Bachelors' wives and old maids' children are always perfect.
-		-- Nicolas Chamfort
-%
-Basically my wife was immature.  I'd be at home in the bath and she'd
-come in and sink my boats.
-		-- Woody Allen
-%
-Be circumspect in your liaisons with women.  It is better to be seen at
-the opera with a man than at mass with a woman.
-		-- De Maintenon
-%
-Be prepared to accept sacrifices.  Vestal virgins aren't all that bad.
-%
-Beauty seldom recommends one woman to another.
-%
-Beauty, brains, availability, personality; pick any two.
-%
-Before marriage the three little words are "I love you," after marriage
-they are "Let's eat out."
-%
-Behind every successful man you'll find a woman with nothing to wear.
-%
-Being asked solicitously about the state of her health was becoming bothersome
-to the pregnant woman at the cocktail party.  And yet another guest went over
-and inquired, "Well, how are you feeling these days?"
-	"Not too well," said the expectant mother.  "You know, I've missed
-seven or eight periods now and it's beginning to worry me."
-%
-Being owned by someone used to be called slavery -- now it's called commitment.
-%
-Benny Hill:	Would you like a peanut?
-Girl:		No, thank you, I don't want to be under obligation.
-Benny Hill:	You won't be under obligation for a peanut.  
-		It's not as if it were a chocolate bar or something.
-%
-Bigamy is having one spouse too many.  Monogamy is the same.
-%
-Birds and bees have as much to do with the facts of life as black
-nightgowns do with keeping warm.
-		-- Hester Mundis, "Powermom"
-%
-Boys are beyond the range of anybody's sure understanding, at least
-when they are between the ages of 18 months and 90 years.
-		-- James Thurber
-%
-Boys will be boys, and so will a lot of middle-aged men.
-		-- Kin Hubbard
-%
-Brigands will demand your money or your life, but a woman will demand both.
-		-- Samuel Butler
-%
-By all means marry: If you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you
-get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.
-		-- Socrates
-%
-Changing husbands/wives is only changing troubles.
-		-- Kathleen Norris
-%
-Choose in marriage only a woman whom you would choose as a friend if she
-were a man.
-		-- Joubert
-%
-Courtship to marriage, as a very witty prologue to a very dull play.
-		-- William Congreve
-%
-Darling: the popular form of address used in speaking to a member of the
-opposite sex whose name you cannot at the moment remember.
-		-- Oliver Herford
-%
-Dear Miss Manners:
-I carry a big black umbrella, even if there's just a thirty percent chance of
-rain.  May I ask a young lady who is a stranger to me to share its protection?
-This morning, I was waiting for a bus in comparative comfort, my umbrella
-protecting me from the downpour, and noticed an attractive young woman getting
-soaked.  I have often seen her at my bus stop, although we have never spoken,
-and I don't even know her name.  Could I have asked her to get under my
-umbrella without seeming insulting?
-
-Gentle Reader:
-Certainly.  Consideration for those less fortunate than you is always proper,
-although it would be more convincing if you stopped babbling about how
-attractive she is.  In order not to give Good Samaritanism a bad name, Miss
-Manners asks you to allow her two or three rainy days of unmolested protection
-before making your attack.
-%
-Dear Miss Manners:
-Please list some tactful ways of removing a man's saliva from your face.
-
-Gentle Reader:
-Please list some decent ways of acquiring a man's saliva on your face. If
-the gentleman sprayed you inadvertently to accompany enthusiastic
-discourse, you may step back two paces, bring out your handkerchief, and
-go through the motions of wiping your nose, while trailing the cloth along
-your face to pick up whatever needs mopping along the route.  If, however,
-the substance was acquired as a result of enthusiasm of a more intimate
-nature, you may delicately retrieve it with a flick of your pink tongue.
-%
-Do not permit a woman to ask forgiveness, for that is only the first
-step.  The second is justification of herself by accusation of you.
-		-- DeGourmont
-%
-Do you think your mother and I should have lived comfortably so long
-together if ever we had been married?
-%
-Don't assume that every sad-eyed woman has loved and lost -- she may
-have got him.
-%
-Don't know what time I'll be back, Mom.  Probably soon after she throws me out.
-%
-Don't marry for money; you can borrow it cheaper.
-		-- Scottish Proverb
-%
-Dull women have immaculate homes.
-%
-	During a visit to America, Winston Churchill was invited to a buffet
-luncheon at which cold fried chicken was served.  Returning for a second
-helping, he asked politely, "May I have some breast?"
-	"Mr. Churchill," replied the hostess, "in this country we ask for
-white meat or dark meat."  Churchill apologized profusely.
-	The following morning, the lady received a magnificent orchid from
-her guest of honor.  The accompanying card read: "I would be most obliged if
-you would pin this on your white meat."
-%
-Economists are still trying to figure out why the girls with the least
-principle draw the most interest.
-%
-Eighty percent of married men cheat in America.  The rest cheat in Europe.
-		-- Jackie Mason
-%
-... eighty years later he could still recall with the young pang of his
-original joy his falling in love with Ada.
-		-- Nabokov
-%
-	Equality is not when a female Einstein gets promoted to assistant
-professor; equality is when a female schlemiel moves ahead as fast as a
-male schlemiel.
-		-- Ewald Nyquist
-%
-	Eugene d'Albert, a noted German composer, was married six times.
-At an evening reception which he attended with his fifth wife shortly
-after their wedding, he presented the lady to a friend who said politely,
-"Congratulations, Herr d'Albert; you have rarely introduced me to so
-charming a wife."
-%
-"Even nowadays a man can't step up and kill a woman without feeling
-just a bit unchivalrous ..."
-		-- Robert Benchley
-%
-Every man who is high up likes to think that he has done it all himself,
-and the wife smiles and lets it go at that.
-		-- Barrie
-%
-Everybody is given the same amount of hormones, at birth, and
-if you want to use yours for growing hair, that's fine with me.
-%
-Farmers in the Iowa State survey rated machinery breakdowns more
-stressful than divorce.
-		-- Wall Street Journal
-%
-Feminists just want the human race to be a tie.
-%
-First love is only a little foolishness and a lot of curiosity, no really
-self-respecting woman would take advantage of it.
-		-- George Bernard Shaw, "John Bull's Other Island"
-%
-Flirting is the gentle art of making a man feel pleased with himself.
-		-- Helen Rowland
-%
-For a young man, not yet: for an old man, never at all.
-		-- Diogenes, asked when a man should marry
-
-When should a man marry?  A young man, not yet; an elder man, not at all.
-		-- Sir Francis Bacon, "Of Marriage and Single Life"
-%
-For a young man, not yet: for an old man, never at all.
-		-- Diogenes, asked when a man should marry
-
-When should a man marry?  A young man, not yet; an elder man, not at all.
-		-- Sir Francis Bacon, "Of Marriage and Single Life"
-%
-For I swore I would stay a year away from her; out and alas!
-but with break of day I went to make supplication.
-		-- Paulus Silentarius, c. 540 A.D.
-%
-For thirty years a certain man went to spend every evening with Mme. ___.
-When his wife died his friends believed he would marry her, and urged
-him to do so.  "No, no," he said: "if I did, where should I have to
-spend my evenings?"
-		-- Chamfort
-%
-Fortunate is he for whom the belle toils.
-%
-FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE DIFFERENCES BETWEEN MEN AND WOMEN:	#14
-
-Low Blows:
-	Let's say a man and woman are watching a boxing match on TV.  One
-of the boxers is felled by a low blow.  The woman says "Oh, gee.  That must
-hurt." The man doubles over and actually FEELS the pain.
-
-Dressing Up:
-	A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the
-garbage, answer the phone, read a book, get the mail.   A man will dress up
-for: weddings, funerals.  Speaking of weddings, when reminiscing about
-weddings, women talk about "the ceremony".  Men laugh about "the bachelor
-party".
-
-David Letterman:
-	Men think David Letterman is the funniest man on the face of the
-Earth.  Women think he is a mean, semi-dorky guy who always has a bad haircut.
-%
-FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE DIFFERENCES BETWEEN MEN AND WOMEN:	#16
-
-Relationships:
-	First of all, a man does not call a relationship a relationship -- he
-refers to it as "that time when me and Suzie were doing it on a semi-regular
-basis".
-	When a relationship ends, a woman will cry and pour her heart out to
-her girlfriends, and she will write a poem titled "All Men Are Idiots".  Then
-she will get on with her life.
-	A man has a little more trouble letting go.  Six months after the
-breakup, at 3:00 a.m. on a Saturday night, he will call and say, "I just
-wanted to let you know you ruined my life, and I'll never forgive you, and I
-hate you, and you're a total floozy.  But I want you to know that there's
-always a chance for us".  This is known as the "I Hate You / I Love You"
-drunken phone call, that 99% if all men have made at least once.  There are
-community colleges that offer courses to help men get over this need; alas,
-these classes rarely prove effective.
-%
-FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE DIFFERENCES BETWEEN MEN AND WOMEN:	#17
-
-Shoes:
-	 The average man has 4 pairs of footwear: running shoes, dress shoes,
-boots, and slippers.  The average woman has shoes 4 layers thick on the floor
-of her closet.  Most of them hurt her feet.
- 
-Making friends:
-	 A woman will meet another woman with common interests, do a few things
-together, and say something like, "I hope we can be good friends."
-	A man will meet another man with common interests, do a few things
-together, and say nothing.  After years of interacting with this other man,
-sharing hopes and fears that he wouldn't confide in his priest or
-psychiatrist, he'll finally let down his guard in a fit of drunken
-sentimentality and say something like, "You know, for someone who's such a
-jerk, I guess you're OK."
-%
-FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE DIFFERENCES BETWEEN MEN AND WOMEN:	#2
-
-Desserts:
-	A woman will generally admire an ornate dessert for the artistic
-work it is, praising its creator and waiting a suitable interval before
-she reluctantly takes a small sliver off one edge.  A man will start by
-grabbing the cherry in the center.
-
-Car repair:
-	The average man thinks his Y chromosome contains complete repair
-manuals for every car made since World War II.  He will work on a problem
-himself until it either goes away or turns into something that "can't be
-fixed without special tools".
-	The average woman thinks "that funny thump-thump noise" is an
-accurate description of an automotive problem.  She will, however, have the
-car serviced at the proper intervals and thereby incur fewer problems than
-the average man.
-%
-FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE DIFFERENCES BETWEEN MEN AND WOMEN:	#4
-
-Clothes:
-	Men don't discard clothes.  The average man still has the gym shirt
-he wore in high school.  He thinks a jacket is "just getting broken in" about
-the time it develops holes in the elbows.  A man will let new shirts sit on
-the shelf in their original packaging for a couple of years before putting
-them to use, hoping they'll become more comfortable with age.
-	Women think clothes are radioactive, with a half-life of one year.
-They exercise precautions to avoid contamination by last year's fashions.
-%
-FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE DIFFERENCES BETWEEN MEN AND WOMEN:	#5
-
-Trust:
-	The average woman would really like to be told if her mate is fooling
-around behind her back.  This same woman wouldn't tell her best friend if
-she knew the best friends' mate was having an affair.  She'll tell all her
-OTHER friends, however.  The average man won't say anything if he knows that
-one of his friend's mates is fooling around, and he'd rather not know if
-his mate is having an affair either, out of fear that it might be with one
-of his friends.  He will tell all his friends about his own affairs, though,
-so they can be ready if he needs an alibi.
-
-Driving:
-	A typical man thinks he's Mario Andretti as soon as he slips behind
-the wheel of his car.  The fact that it's an 8-year-old Honda doesn't keep
-him from trying to out-accelerate the guy in the Porsche who's attempting
-to cut him off; freeway on-ramps are exciting challenges to see who has The
-Right Stuff on the morning commute.  Does he or doesn't he?  Only his body
-shop knows for sure.  Insurance companies understand this behavior, and
-price their policies accordingly.
-	A woman will slow down to let a car merge in front of her, and get
-rear-ended by another woman who was busy adding the finishing touches to
-her makeup.
-%
-FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE DIFFERENCES BETWEEN MEN AND WOMEN:	#6
-
-Bathrooms:
-	A man has six items in his bathroom -- a toothbrush, toothpaste,
-shaving cream, razor, a bar of Dial soap, and a towel from the Holiday Inn.
-The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 437.  A man
-would not be able to identify most of these items.
-
-Groceries:
-	A woman makes a list of things she needs and then goes to the store
-and buys these things.  A man waits 'til the only items left in his fridge
-are half a lime and a Blue Ribbon.  Then he goes grocery shopping.  He buys
-everything that looks good.  By the time a man reaches the checkout counter,
-his cart is packed tighter that the Clampett's car on Beverly Hillbillies.
-Of course, this will not stop him from entering the 10-items-or-less lane.
-%
-FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE DIFFERENCES BETWEEN MEN AND WOMEN:	#8
-
-Going Out:
-	When a man says he is ready to go out, it means he is ready to go
-out.  When a woman says she is ready to go out, it means she WILL be ready
-to go out, as soon as she finds her earring, finishes putting on her makeup,
-checks on the kids, makes a phone call to her best friend...
-
-Cats:
-	Women love cats.  Men say they love cats, but when women aren't
-looking, men kick cats.
-
-Offspring:
-	Ah, children.  A woman knows all about her children.  She knows
-about dentist appointments and soccer games and romances and best friends
-and favorite foods and secret fears and hopes and dreams.  Men are vaguely
-aware of some short people living in the house.
-%
-FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE DIFFERENCES BETWEEN MEN AND WOMEN:	#9
-
-Laundry:
-	Women do laundry every couple of days.  A man will wear every article
-of clothing he owns, including his surgical pants that were hip about eight
-years ago, before he will do his laundry.  When he is finally out of clothes,
-he will wear a dirty sweatshirt inside out, rent a U-Haul and take his mountain
-of clothes to the laundromat.  Men always expect to meet beautiful women at
-the laundromat.  This is a myth.
-
-Nicknames:
-	If Gloria, Suzanne, Deborah and Michelle get together for lunch,
-they will call each other Gloria, Suzanne, Deborah and Michelle.  But if
-Mike, Dave, Rob and Jack go out for a brewsky, they will affectionately
-refer to each other as Bullet-Head, Godzilla, Peanut Brain and Useless.
-
-Socks:
-	Men wear sensible socks.  They wear standard white sweatsocks.
-Women wear strange socks.  They are cut way below the ankles, have pictures
-of clouds on them, and have a big fuzzy ball on the back.
-%
-	Fred noticed his roommate had a black eye upon returning from a dance.
-"What happened?"
-	"I was struck by the beauty of the place."
-%
-	Friends were surprised, indeed, when Frank and Jennifer broke their 
-engagement, but Frank had a ready explanation: "Would you marry someone who 
-was habitually unfaithful, who lied at every turn, who was selfish and lazy 
-and sarcastic?"
-	"Of course not," said a sympathetic friend.
-	"Well," retorted Frank, "neither would Jennifer."
-%
-				FROM THE DESK OF
-				Rapunzel
-
-Dear Prince:
-
-	Use ladder tonight -- you're splitting my ends.
-%
-Genuine happiness is when a wife sees a double chin on her husband's
-old girl friend.
-%
-			-- Gifts for Men --
-
-Men are amused by almost any idiot thing -- that is why professional ice
-hockey is so popular -- so buying gifts for them is easy.  But you should
-never buy them clothes.  Men believe they already have all the clothes they
-will ever need, and new ones make them nervous.  For example, your average
-man has 84 ties, but he wears, at most, only three of them.  He has learned,
-through humiliating trial and error, that if he wears any of the other 81
-ties, his wife will probably laugh at him ("You're not going to wear THAT
-tie with that suit, are you?"). So he has narrowed it down to three safe
-ties, and has gone several years without being laughed at.  If you give him
-a new tie, he will pretend to like it, but deep inside he will hate you.
-
-If you want to give a man something practical, consider tires.  More than
-once, I would have gladly traded all the gifts I got for a new set of tires.
-		-- Dave Barry, "Christmas Shopping: A Survivor's Guide"
-%
-Girls are better looking in snowstorms.
-		-- Archie Goodwin
-%
-Girls marry for love.  Boys marry because of a chronic irritation that
-causes them to gravitate in the direction of objects with certain curvilinear
-properties.
-		-- Ashley Montagu
-%
-Girls really do know just what they want -- you to figure it out for yourself!
-%
-Girls who throw themselves at men, are actually taking very careful aim.
-%
-Give a woman an inch and she'll park a car in it.
-%
-God created a few perfect heads.  The rest he covered with hair.
-%
-God created woman.  And boredom did indeed cease from that moment --
-but many other things ceased as well.  Woman was God's second mistake.
-		-- Nietzsche
-%
-Good girls go to heaven, bad girls go everywhere.
-%
-Harold had never wanted a woman so much in his life, upon overhearing the
-22-year-old beauty remark that he was too old and out of shape for her.  The
-determined septuagenarian immediately embarked upon a rigorous self-improvement
-program.  He had his face lifted, bought a toupee, ran five miles every day,
-lifted weights and adopted a strict vegetarian diet.  Within months, the
-rejuvenated man won the young woman's heart, and she agreed to marry him.
-	On the way out of the chapel, however, Harold was fatally struck
-by lightning.  Furious, he confronted Saint Peter at the pearly gates.  "How
-could you do this to me after all the pain I went through?"
-	"To be honest, Harold," Saint Peter sheepishly replied, "I didn't
-recognize you."
-%
-Hat check girl:
-	"Goodness!  What lovely diamonds!"
-Mae West:
-	"Goodness had nothin' to do with it, dearie."
-		-- "Night After Night", 1932
-%
-Having a baby isn't so bad.  If you're a female Emperor penguin in the
-Antarctic.  She lays the egg, rolls it over to the father, then takes off
-for warmer weather where she eats and eats and eats.  For two months, the
-father stands stiff, without food, blind in the 24-hour dark, balancing
-the egg on his feet.  After the little penguin is hatched, the mother
-sees fit to come home.
-		-- L.M. Boyd, "Austin American-Statesman"
-%
-He gave her a look that you could have poured on a waffle.
-%
-He who enters his wife's dressing room is a philosopher or a fool.
-		-- Balzac
-%
-He who is intoxicated with wine will be sober again in the course of the
-night, but he who is intoxicated by the cupbearer will not recover his
-senses until the day of judgement.
-		-- Saadi
-%
-Hey, Jim, it's me, Susie Lillis from the laundromat.  You said you were
-gonna call and it's been two weeks.  What's wrong, you lose my number?
-%
-High heels are a device invented by a woman who was tired of being kissed
-on the forehead.
-%
-Him:	"Your skin is so soft.  Are you a model?"
-Her:	"No,"  [blush]  "I'm a cosmetologist."
-Him:	"Really? That's incredible... It must be very tough to handle
-	weightlessness."
-		-- "The Jerk"
-%
-His designs were strictly honourable, as the phrase is: that is, to rob
-a lady of her fortune by way of marriage.
-		-- Henry Fielding, "Tom Jones"
-%
-"Home, Sweet Home" must surely have been written by a bachelor.
-		-- Samuel Butler
-%
-Horace's best ode would not please a young woman as much as the mediocre
-verses of the young man she is in love with.
-		-- Moore
-%
-How much for your women?  I want to buy your daughter... how much for
-the little girl?
-		-- Jake Blues, "The Blues Brothers"
-%
-	"How would I know if I believe in love at first sight?" the sexy
-social climber said to her roommate.  "I mean, I've never seen a Porsche
-full of money before."
-%
-I am very fond of the company of ladies.  I like their beauty,
-I like their delicacy, I like their vivacity, and I like their silence.
-		-- Samuel Johnson
-%
-I began many years ago, as so many young men do, in searching for the
-perfect woman.  I believed that if I looked long enough, and hard enough,
-I would find her and then I would be secure for life.  Well, the years
-and romances came and went, and I eventually ended up settling for someone
-a lot less than my idea of perfection.  But one day, after many years
-together, I lay there on our bed recovering from a slight illness.  My
-wife was sitting on a chair next to the bed, humming softly and watching
-the late afternoon sun filtering through the trees.  The only sounds to
-be heard elsewhere were the clock ticking, the kettle downstairs starting
-to boil, and an occasional schoolchild passing beneath our window.  And
-as I looked up into my wife's now wrinkled face, but still warm and
-twinkling eyes, I realized something about perfection...  It comes only
-with time.
-		-- James L. Collymore, "Perfect Woman"
-%
-I believe a little incompatibility is the spice of life, particularly if he
-has income and she is pattable.
-		-- Ogden Nash
-%
-I can feel for her because, although I have never been an Alaskan prostitute
-dancing on the bar in a spangled dress, I still get very bored with washing
-and ironing and dishwashing and cooking day after relentless day.
-		-- Betty MacDonald
-%
-I can't mate in captivity.
-		-- Gloria Steinem, on why she has never married.
-%
-I come from a small town whose population never changed.  Each time a woman
-got pregnant, someone left town.
-		-- Michael Prichard
-%
-I do enjoy a good long walk -- especially when my wife takes one.
-%
-"I don't have to take this abuse from you -- I've got hundreds of
-people waiting to abuse me."
-		-- Bill Murray, "Ghostbusters"
-%
-I GUESS I'LL NEVER FORGET HER.  And maybe I don't want to.  Her spirit
-was wild, like a wild monkey.  Her beauty was like a beautiful horse
-being ridden by a wild monkey.  I forget her other qualities.
-		-- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988.
-%
-I have a hard time being attracted to anyone who can beat me up.
-		-- John McGrath, Atlanta sportswriter, on women weightlifters.
-%
-I have found it impossible to carry the heavy burden of responsibility and
-to discharge my duties as king as I would wish to do without the help and
-support of the woman I love.
-		-- Edward, Duke of Windsor, 1936, announcing his abdication
-		   of the British throne in order to marry the American
-		   divorcee Wallis Warfield Simpson.
-%
-I have now come to the conclusion never again to think of marrying,
-and for this reason: I can never be satisfied with anyone who would
-be blockhead enough to have me.
-		-- Abraham Lincoln
-%
-I know the disposition of women: when you will, they won't; when
-you won't, they set their hearts upon you of their own inclination.
-		-- Publius Terentius Afer (Terence)
-%
-I learned to play guitar just to get the girls, and anyone who says they
-didn't is just lyin'!
-		-- Willie Nelson
-%
-I like being single.  I'm always there when I need me.
-		-- Art Leo
-%
-I like myself, but I won't say I'm as handsome as the bull that kidnapped
-Europa.
-		-- Marcus Tullius Cicero
-%
-I like young girls.  Their stories are shorter.
-		-- Tom McGuane
-%
-I love being married.  It's so great to find that one special person
-you want to annoy for the rest of your life.
-		-- Rita Rudner
-%
-I love Mickey Mouse more than any woman I've ever known.
-		-- Walt Disney
-%
-	I managed to say, "Sorry," and no more.  I knew that he disliked
-me to cry.
-	This time he said, watching me, "On some occasions it is better
-to weep."
-	I put my head down on the table and sobbed, "If only she could come
-back; I would be nice."
-	Francis said, "You gave her great pleasure always."
-	"Oh, not enough."
-	"Nobody can give anybody enough."
-	"Not ever?"
-	"No, not ever.  But one must go on trying."
-	"And doesn't one ever value people until they are gone?"
-	"Rarely," said Francis.  I went on weeping; I saw how little I had
-valued him; how little I had valued anything that was mine.
-		-- Pamela Frankau, "The Duchess and the Smugs"
-%
-I married beneath me.  All women do.
-		-- Lady Nancy Astor
-%
-I met a wonderful new man.  He's fictional, but you can't have everything.
-		-- Cecelia, "The Purple Rose of Cairo"
-%
-I never expected to see the day when girls would get sunburned in the
-places they do today.
-		-- Will Rogers
-%
-I never met a woman I couldn't drink pretty.
-%
-I read Playboy for the same reason I read National Geographic.  To see
-the sights I'm never going to visit.
-%
-I refuse to consign the whole male sex to the nursery.  I insist on
-believing that some men are my equals.
-		-- Brigid Brophy
-%
-I respect the institution of marriage.  I have always thought that every
-woman should marry -- and no man.
-		-- Benjamin Disraeli, "Lothair"
-%
-I sat down beside her, said hello, offered to buy her a drink... and then
-natural selection reared its ugly head.
-%
-I think she must have been very strictly brought up, she's so desperately
-anxious to do the wrong thing correctly.
-		-- Saki, "Reginald on Worries"
-%
-I think the world is ready for the story of an ugly duckling, who grew up to
-remain an ugly duckling, and lived happily ever after.
-		-- Chick
-%
-I want to buy a husband who, every week when I sit down to watch "St.
-Elsewhere", won't scream, "Forget it, Blanche... It's time for Hee-Haw!"
-		-- Berke Breathed, "Bloom County"
-%
-I want to marry a girl just like the girl that married dear old dad.
-		-- Freud
-%
-I was in a beauty contest one.  I not only came in last, I was hit in
-the mouth by Miss Congeniality.
-		-- Phyllis Diller
-%
-I wasn't kissing her, I was whispering in her mouth.
-		-- Chico Marx
-%
-I will not say that women have no character; rather, they have a new
-one every day.
-		-- Heine
-%
-I would gladly raise my voice in praise of women, only they won't let me
-raise my voice.
-		-- Winkle
-%
-I wouldn't marry her with a ten foot pole.
-%
-I'd probably settle for a vampire if he were romantic enough.
-Couldn't be any worse than some of the relationships I've had.
-		-- Brenda Starr
-%
-I'd rather have two girls at 21 each than one girl at 42.
-		-- W.C. Fields
-%
-I'm defending her honor, which is more than she ever did.
-%
-I'm not denyin' the women are foolish: God Almighty made 'em to match the men.
-		-- George Eliot
-%
-I'm very old-fashioned.  I believe that people should marry for life,
-like pigeons and Catholics.
-		-- Woody Allen
-%
-I've been in more laps than a napkin.
-		-- Mae West
-%
-I've spent almost all of my life with highly intelligent men.  They're not
-like other men.  Their spirit is great and stimulating.  They hate strife;
-indeed they reject it.  Their inventive gifts are boundless.  They demand
-devotion and obedience.  And a sense of humor.  I happily gave all of this.
-I was lucky to be chosen and clever enough to understand them.
-		-- Marlene Dietrich, on her friendship with Ernest Hemingway
-%
-If I had to live my life again, I'd make the same mistakes, only sooner.
-		-- Tallulah Bankhead
-%
-If I told you you had a beautiful body, would you hold it against me?
-%
-If it were not for the presents, an elopement would be preferable.
-		-- George Ade, "Forty Modern Fables"
-%
-If men acted after marriage as they do during courtship, there would
-be fewer divorces -- and more bankruptcies.
-		-- Frances Rodman
-%
-If someone were to ask me for a short cut to sensuality, I would
-suggest he go shopping for a used 427 Shelby-Cobra.  But it is only
-fair to warn you that of the 300 guys who switched to them in 1966,
-only two went back to women.
-		-- Mort Sahl
-%
-If the girl you love moves in with another guy once, it's more than enough.
-Twice, it's much too much.  Three times, it's the story of your life.
-%
-If there is any realistic deterrent to marriage, it's the fact that you
-can't afford divorce.
-		-- Jack Nicholson
-%
-If we men married the women we deserved, we should have a very bad time of it.
-		-- Oscar Wilde
-%
-If women are supposed to be less rational and more emotional at the
-beginning of our menstrual cycle, when the female hormone is at its
-lowest level, then why isn't it logical to say that in those few days
-women behave the most like the way men behave all month long?
-		-- Gloria Steinham
-%
-If women didn't exist, all the money in the world would have no meaning.
-		-- Aristotle Onassis
-%
-If you are afraid of loneliness, don't marry.
-		-- Anton Chekhov
-%
-If you are looking for a kindly, well-to-do older gentleman who is no
-longer interested in sex, take out an ad in The Wall Street Journal.
-		-- Abigail Van Buren
-%
-If you give a man enough rope, he'll claim he's tied up at the office.
-%
-If you marry a man who cheats on his wife, you'll be married to a man who
-cheats on his wife.
-		-- Ann Landers
-%
-If you MUST get married, it is always advisable to marry beauty.
-Otherwise, you'll never find anybody to take her off your hands.
-%
-If you want me to be a good little bunny just dangle some carats in front
-of my nose.
-		-- Lauren Bacall
-%
-If you want to be ruined, marry a rich woman.
-		-- Michelet
-%
-If you want to read about love and marriage you've got to buy two separate
-books.
-		-- Alan King
-%
-If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every
-word you say, talk in your sleep.
-%
-If you wish women to love you, be original; I know a man who wore fur
-boots summer and winter, and women fell in love with him.
-		-- Anton Chekhov
-%
-In buying horses and taking a wife shut your eyes tight and commend
-yourself to God.
-%
-In Christianity, a man may have only one wife.  This is called Monotony.
-%
-In marriage, as in war, it is permitted to take every advantage of the enemy.
-%
-In olden times sacrifices were made at the altar -- a practice which is
-still continued.
-		-- Helen Rowland
-%
-In the midst of one of the wildest parties he'd ever been to, the young man 
-noticed a very prim and pretty girl sitting quietly apart from the rest of
-the revelers.  Approaching her, he introduced himself and, after some quiet
-conversation, said, "I'm afraid you and I don't really fit in with this
-jaded group.  Why don't I take you home?""
-	"Fine," said the girl, smiling up at him demurely.  "Where do you live?"
-%
-Insanity is considered a ground for divorce, though by the very same
-token it is the shortest detour to marriage.
-		-- Wilson Mizner
-%
-Is a wedding successful if it comes off without a hitch?
-%
-Is not marriage an open question, when it is alleged, from the
-beginning of the world, that such as are in the institution wish to get
-out, and such as are out wish to get in?
-		-- Ralph Emerson
-%
-Isn't it ironic that many men spend a great part of their lives
-avoiding marriage while single-mindedly pursuing those things that
-would make them better prospects?
-%
-It [marriage] happens as with cages: the birds without despair
-to get in, and those within despair of getting out.
-		-- Michel Eyquem de Montaigne
-%
-It did not occur to me that my being with two men continuously would
-interest anyone or arouse anyone's misgivings. I asked for an invitation
-for Heinrich too, as often as it seemed possible, when Paulus and I were
-invited to a social gathering. I felt the set of rules others lived by
-was irrelevant. My childhood attitude -- every attempt to adjust is
-hopeless and you might just as well follow your own attitudes -- must have
-carried me.
-		-- Hannah Tillich, "From Time to Time"
-%
-It doesn't much signify whom one marries, for one is sure to find out
-next morning it was someone else.
-		-- Will Rogers
-%
-It has been justly observed by sages of all lands that although a man may be
-most happily married and continue in that state with the utmost contentment,
-it does not necessarily follow that he has therefore been struck stone-blind.
-		-- H. Warner Munn
-%
-	It is always preferable to visit home with a friend.  Your parents will
-not be pleased with this plan, because they want you all to themselves and
-because in the presence of your friend, they will have to act like mature
-human beings.
-	The worst kind of friend to take home is a girl, because in that case,
-there is the potential that your parents will lose you not just for the 
-duration of the visit but forever.  The worst kind of girl to take home is one
-of a different religion:  Not only will you be lost to your parents forever but
-you will be lost to a woman who is immune to their religious/moral arguments
-and whose example will irretrievably corrupt you.
-	Let's say you've fallen in love with just such a girl and would like
-to take her home for the holidays.  You are aware of your parents' xenophobic
-response to anyone of a different religion.  How to prepare them for the shock?
-	Simple.  Call them up shortly before your visit and tell them that you
-have gotten quite serious about somebody who is of a different religion, a
-different race and the same sex.  Tell them you have already invited this
-person to meet them.  Give the information a moment to sink in and then 
-remark that you were only kidding, that your lover is merely of a different
-religion.  They will be so relieved they will welcome her with open arms.
-		-- Playboy, January, 1983
-%
-It is explained that all relationships require a little give and take.  This
-is untrue.  Any partnership demands that we give and give and give and at the
-last, as we flop into our graves exhausted, we are told that we didn't give
-enough.
-		-- Quentin Crisp, "How to Become a Virgin"
-%
-It is idle to attempt to talk a young woman out of her passion:
-love does not lie in the ear.
-		-- Walpole
-%
-It is most dangerous nowadays for a husband to pay any attention to his
-wife in public.  It always makes people think that he beats her when
-they're alone.  The world has grown so suspicious of anything that looks
-like a happy married life.
-		-- Oscar Wilde
-%
-It is not necessary to inquire whether a woman would like something for
-dessert.  The answer is yes, she would like something for dessert, but
-she would like you to order it so she can pick at it with your fork.  She
-does not want you to call attention to this by saying, 'If you wanted a
-dessert, why didn't you order one?'  You must understand, she has the
-dessert she wants.  The dessert she wants is contained within yours.
-		-- Merrill Marcoe, "An Insider's Guide to the American Woman"
-%
-It is now quite lawful for a Catholic woman to avoid pregnancy by a resort to
-mathematics, though she is still forbidden to resort to physics and chemistry.
-		-- H.L. Mencken
-%
-It is possible that blondes also prefer gentlemen.
-		-- Maimie Van Doren
-%
-It takes a smart husband to have the last word and not use it.
-%
-It was a fine, sweet night, the nicest since my divorce, maybe the nicest
-since the middle of my marriage.  There was energy, softness, grace and
-laughter.  I even took my socks off.  In my circle, that means class.
-		-- Andrew Bergman "The Big Kiss-off of 1944"
-%
-It was raining heavily, and the motorist had car trouble on a lonely country
-road.  Anxious to find shelter for the night, he walked over to a farmhouse
-and knocked on the front door.  No one responded.  He could feel the water
-from the roof running down the back of his neck as he stood on the stoop.
-The next time he knocked louder, but still no answer.  By now he was soaked
-to the skin.  Desperately he pounded on the door.  At last the head of a
-man appeared out of an upstairs window.
-	"What do you want?" he asked gruffly.
-	"My car broke down," said the traveler, "and I want to know if you
-would let me stay here for the night."
-	"Sure," replied the man. "If you want to stay there all night, it's
-okay with me."
-%
-It wasn't exactly a divorce -- I was traded.
-		-- Tim Conway
-%
-It's a funny thing that when a woman hasn't got anything
-on earth to worry about, she goes off and gets married.
-%
-"It's men like him that give the Y chromosome a bad name."
-%
-It's not the inital skirt length, it's the upcreep.
-%
-It's not the men in my life, but the life in my men that counts.
-		-- Mae West
-%
-It's the good girls who keep the diaries, the bad girls never have the time.
-		-- Tallulah Bankhead
-%
-	It's the theory of Jess Birnbaum, of Time magazine, that women with
-bad legs should stick to long skirts because they cover a multitude of shins.
-%
-	Joe sat as his dying wife's bedside.
-	Her voice was little more than a whisper.
-	"Joe, darling," she breathed, "I've got a confession to make
-before I go.  I ... I'm the one who took the $10,000 from your safe...
-I spent it on a fling with your best friend, Charles.  And it was I who
-forced your mistress to leave the city.  And I am the one who reported 
-your income-tax evasion to the I.R.S..."
-	"That's all right, dearest, don't give it a second thought,"
-whispered Joe. "I'm the one who poisoned you."
-%
-Just as I cannot remember any time when I could not read and write, I cannot
-remember any time when I did not exercise my imagination in daydreams about
-women.
-		-- George Bernard Shaw
-%
-Kath: Can he be present at the birth of his child?
-Ed: It's all any reasonable child can expect if the dad is present
-	at the conception.
-		-- Joe Orton, "Entertaining Mr. Sloane"
-%
-Keep a diary and one day it'll keep you.
-		-- Mae West
-%
-Keep women you cannot.  Marry them and they come to hate the way you walk
-across the room; remain their lover, and they jilt you at the end of six
-months.
-		-- Moore
-%
-Keep your eyes wide open before marriage, half shut afterwards.
-		-- Benjamin Franklin
-%
-Kissing your hand may make you feel very good, but a diamond and
-sapphire bracelet lasts for ever.
-		-- Anita Loos, "Gentlemen Prefer Blondes"
-%
-Lady Nancy Astor:
-	"Winston, if you were my husband, I'd put poison in your coffee."
-Winston Churchill:
-	"Nancy, if you were my wife, I'd drink it."
-%
-Lank: Here we go.  We're about to set a new record.
-Earl: (to the crowd) How about a date?
-Lank: We've done it.  Earl has set a new record.  Turned down by
-      20,000 women.
-		-- Lank and Earl
-%
-Large increases in cost with questionable increases in performance can
-be tolerated only in race horses and women.
-		-- Lord Kalvin
-%
-Let thy maid servant be faithful, strong, and homely.
-		-- Benjamin Franklin
-%
-Let's just say that where a change was required, I adjusted.  In every
-relationship that exists, people have to seek a way to survive.  If you
-really care about the person, you do what's necessary, or that's the end.
-For the first time, I found that I really could change, and the qualities
-I most admired in myself I gave up.  I stopped being loud and bossy ...
-Oh, all right.  I was still loud and bossy, but only behind his back.
-		-- Kate Hepburn, on Tracy and Hepburn
-%
-Life begins at the centerfold and expands outward.
-		-- Miss November, 1966
-%
-Life in this society being, at best, an utter bore and no aspect of society
-being at all relevant to women, there remains to civic-minded responsible
-thrill-seeking females only to overthrow the government, eliminate the money
-system, institute complete automation and destroy the male sex.
-		-- Valerie Solanas
-%
-Life Sucks.  Cynical, misanthropic male, 34, looking for soul mate but
-certain not to find her.  Drop me a note.  I'll call you, we'll talk and
-I'll ask you out to dinner where I'll probably spend more than I can
-afford in a feeble attempt to impress you.  Then we'll realize we have
-absolutely nothing in common and we'll go our separate ways, more
-embittered and depressed than before (if such a thing is possible).
-%
-Life's too short to dance with ugly women.
-%
-Like all young men, you greatly exaggerate the difference between one
-young woman and another.
-		-- George Bernard Shaw, "Major Barbara"
-%
-Like the ski resort of girls looking for husbands and husbands looking
-for girls, the situation is not as symmetrical as it might seem.
-		-- Alan McKay
-%
-Little girls, like butterflies, need no excuse.
-		-- Lazarus Long
-%
-Lonely men seek companionship.  Lonely women sit at home and wait.
-They never meet.
-%
-Lots of girls can be had for a song.  Unfortunately, it often turns out to
-be the wedding march.
-%
-Love is an ideal thing, marriage a real thing; a confusion of the real
-with the ideal never goes unpunished.
-		-- Goethe
-%
-Love is an obsessive delusion that is cured by marriage.
-		-- Dr. Karl Bowman
-%
-Love is the delusion that one woman differs from another.
-		-- H.L. Mencken
-%
-Love makes fools, marriage cuckolds, and patriotism malevolent imbeciles.
-		-- Paul Leautaud, "Passe-temps"
-%
-Macho does not prove mucho.
-		-- Zsa Zsa Gabor
-%
-Man and wife make one fool.
-%
-Many a man has fallen in love with a girl in a light so dim he would
-not have chosen a suit by it.
-		-- Maurice Chevalier
-%
-Many a man in love with a dimple makes the mistake of marrying the
-whole girl.
-		-- Stephen Leacock
-%
-Many a man who thinks he's going on a maiden voyage with
-a woman finds out later that it was just a shake-down cruise.
-%
-Many a wife thinks her husband is the world's greatest lover.
-But she can never catch him at it.
-%
-Many husbands go broke on the money their wives save on sales.
-%
-Marriage always demands the greatest understanding of the art of
-insincerity possible between two human beings.
-		-- Vicki Baum
-%
-Marriage causes dating problems.
-%
-Marriage is a ghastly public confession of a strictly private intention.
-%
-Marriage is a great institution -- but I'm not ready for an institution yet.
-		-- Mae West
-%
-Marriage is a lot like the army, everyone complains, but you'd be
-surprised at the large number that re-enlist.
-		-- James Garner
-%
-Marriage is a romance in which the hero dies in the first chapter.
-%
-Marriage is a three ring circus: engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering.
-		-- Roger Price
-%
-Marriage is an institution in which two undertake to become one, and one
-undertakes to become nothing.
-%
-Marriage is based on the theory that when a man discovers a brand of beer
-exactly to his taste he should at once throw up his job and go to work
-in the brewery.
-		-- George Jean Nathan
-%
-Marriage is learning about women the hard way.
-%
-Marriage is like twirling a baton, turning handsprings, or eating with
-chopsticks.  It looks easy until you try it.
-%
-Marriage is low down, but you spend the rest of your life paying for it.
-		-- Baskins
-%
-Marriage is not merely sharing the fettucine, but sharing the
-burden of finding the fettucine restaurant in the first place.
-		-- Calvin Trillin
-%
-Marriage is the only adventure open to the cowardly.
-		-- Voltaire
-%
-Marriage is the process of finding out what kind of man your wife would
-have preferred.
-%
-Marriage is the waste-paper basket of the emotions.
-%
-Marriage, in life, is like a duel in the midst of a battle.
-		-- Edmond About
-%
-Marriages are made in heaven and consummated on earth.
-		-- John Lyly
-%
-Marry in haste and everyone starts counting the months.
-%
-Matrimony is the root of all evil.
-%
-Matrimony isn't a word, it's a sentence.
-%
-Men are always ready to respect anything that bores them.
-		-- Marilyn Monroe
-%
-Men are those creatures with two legs and eight hands.
-		-- Jayne Mansfield
-%
-Men aren't attracted to me by my mind.  They're attracted by what I
-don't mind...
-		-- Gypsy Rose Lee
-%
-Men have a much better time of it than women; for one thing they marry later;
-for another thing they die earlier.
-		-- H.L. Mencken
-%
-Men have as exaggerated an idea of their rights as women have of their wrongs.
-		-- E.W. Howe
-%
-Men live for three things, fast cars, fast women and fast food.
-%
-Men never make passes at girls wearing glasses.
-		-- Dorothy Parker
-%
-Men of quality are not afraid of women for equality.
-%
-Men say of women what pleases them; women do with men what pleases them.
-		-- DeSegur
-%
-Men seldom show dimples to girls who have pimples.
-%
-Men still remember the first kiss after women have forgotten the last.
-%
-Men who cherish for women the highest respect are seldom popular with them.
-		-- Joseph Addison
-%
-Men's magazines often feature pictures of naked ladies.  Women's magazines
-also often feature pictures of naked ladies.  This is because the female
-body is a beautiful work of art, while the male body is hairy and lumpy and
-should not be seen by the light of day.
-		-- Richard Roeper, "Men and Women Are Different"
-%
-Miguel Cervantes wrote Donkey Hote.  Milton wrote Paradise Lost, then his
-wife died and he wrote Paradise Regained.
-%
-Moe:	Wanna play poker tonight?
-Joe:	I can't. It's the kids' night out.
-Moe:	So?
-Joe:	I gotta stay home with the nurse.
-%
-Moe:	What did you give your wife for Valentine's Day?
-Joe:	The usual gift -- she ate my heart out.
-%
-Money and women are the most sought after and the least known of any two
-things we have.
-		-- The Best of Will Rogers
-%
-Money is a powerful aphrodisiac.  But flowers work almost as well.
-		-- Lazarus Long
-%
-Monogamy is the Western custom of one wife and hardly any mistresses.
-		-- H.H. Munro
-%
-... most of us learned about love the hard way.  Even warnings are probably
-useless, for somehow, despite the severest warnings of parents and friends,
-hundreds, thousands of women have forgotten themselves at the last minute
-and succumbed to the lies, promises, flatteries, or mere attentions of
-lusting, lovely men, landing themselves in complicated predicaments from
-which some of them never recovered during their entire lives.  And I am not
-speaking only of your teenaged Midwesterners in 1958; I'm speaking of women
-of every age in every city in every year.  The notorious sexual revolution
-has saved no one from the pain and confusion of love.
-		-- Alix Kates Shulman
-%
-My notion of a husband at forty is that a woman should be able to change him,
-like a bank note, for two twenties.
-%
-Never accept an invitation from a stranger unless he gives you candy.
-		-- Linda Festa
-%
-Never argue with a woman when she's tired -- or rested.
-%
-Never eat at a place called Mom's.  Never play cards with a man named Doc.
-And never lie down with a woman who's got more troubles than you.
-		-- Nelson Algren, "What Every Young Man Should Know"
-%
-Never go to bed mad.  Stay up and fight.
-		-- Phyllis Diller, "Phyllis Diller's Housekeeping Hints"
-%
-Never sleep with a woman whose troubles are worse than your own.
-		-- Nelson Algren
-%
-Never tell.  Not if you love your wife ... In fact, if your old lady walks
-in on you, deny it.  Yeah.  Just flat out and she'll believe it: "I'm
-tellin' ya.  This chick came downstairs with a sign around her neck `Lay
-On Top Of Me Or I'll Die'.  I didn't know what I was gonna do..."
-		-- Lenny Bruce
-%
-New Year's Eve is the time of year when a man most feels his age,
-and his wife most often reminds him to act it.
-		-- Webster's Unafraid Dictionary
-%
-No friendship is so cordial or so delicious as that of girl for girl;
-no hatred so intense or immovable as that of woman for woman.
-		-- Landor
-%
-No man can have a reasonable opinion of women until he has long lost
-interest in hair restorers.
-	-- Austin O'Malley
-%
-No modern woman with a grain of sense ever sends little notes to an
-unmarried man -- not until she is married, anyway.
-		-- Arthur Binstead
-%
-No one knows like a woman how to say things that are at once gentle and deep.
-		-- Hugo
-%
-No self-made man ever did such a good job that some woman didn't
-want to make some alterations.
-		-- Kim Hubbard
-%
-No woman can call herself free until she can choose consciously whether
-she will or will not be a mother.
-		-- Margaret H. Sanger
-%
-No woman can endure a gambling husband, unless he is a steady winner.
-		-- Lord Thomas Dewar
-%
-No woman ever falls in love with a man unless she has a better opinion of
-him than he deserves.
-		-- Edgar Watson Howe
-%
-Nobody really knows what happiness is, until they're married.
-And then it's too late.
-%
-Not every problem someone has with his girlfriend is necessarily due to
-the capitalist mode of production.
-		-- Herbert Marcuse
-%
-Of all the animals, the boy is the most unmanageable.
-		-- Plato
-%
-Of course a platonic relationship is possible -- but only between
-husband and wife.
-%
-Once a woman has given you her heart you can never get rid of the rest of her.
-		-- Vanbrugh
-%
-	Once upon a time there was a beautiful young girl taking a stroll 
-through the woods.  All at once she saw an extremely ugly bull frog seated 
-on a log and to her amazement the frog spoke to her.  "Maiden," croaked the
-frog, "would you do me a favor?  This will be hard for you to believe, but
-I was once a handsome, charming prince and then a mean, ugly old witch cast
-a spell over me and turned me into a frog."
-	"Oh, what a pity!", exclaimed the girl.  "I'll do anything I can to
-help you break such a spell."
-	"Well," replied the frog, "the only way that this spell can be
-taken away is for some lovely young woman to take me home and let me spend
-the night under her pillow."
-	The young girl took the ugly frog home and placed him beneath her
-pillow that night when she retired.  When she awoke the next morning, sure
-enough, there beside her in bed was a very young, handsome man, clearly of
-royal blood.  And so they lived happily ever after, except that to this day
-her father and mother still don't believe her story.
-%
-	Once upon a time there were three brothers who were knights
-in a certain kingdom.  And, there was a Princess in a neighboring kingdom
-who was of marriageable age.  Well, one day, in full armour, their horses,
-and their page, the three brothers set off to see if one of them could
-win her hand.  The road was long and there were many obstacles along the
-way, robbers to be overcome, hard terrain to cross.  As they coped with
-each obstacle they became more and more disgusted with their page.  He was
-not only inept, he was a coward, he could not handle the horses, he was,
-in short, a complete flop.  When they arrived at the court of the kingdom,
-they found that they were expected to present the Princess with some
-treasure.  The two older brothers were discouraged, since they had not
-thought of this and were unprepared.  The youngest, however, had the
-answer:  Promise her anything, but give her our page.
-%
-	One evening he spoke.  Sitting at her feet, his face raised to her,
-he allowed his soul to be heard.  "My darling, anything you wish, anything
-I am, anything I can ever be...  That's what I want to offer you -- not the
-things I'll get for you, but the thing in me that will make me able to get
-them.  That thing -- a man can't renounce it -- but I want to renounce it -- so
-that it will be yours -- so that it will be in your service -- only for you."
-	The girl smiled and asked: "Do you think I'm prettier than Maggie
-Kelly?"
-	He got up.  He said nothing and walked out of the house.  He never
-saw that girl again.  Gail Wynand, who prided himself on never needing a
-lesson twice, did not fall in love again in the years that followed.
-		-- Ayn Rand, "The Fountainhead"
-%
-One girl can be pretty -- but a dozen are only a chorus.
-		-- F. Scott Fitzgerald, "The Last Tycoon"
-%
-One is not born a woman, one becomes one.
-		-- Simone de Beauvoir
-%
-One man's folly is another man's wife.
-		-- Helen Rowland
-%
-One should always be in love.  That is the reason one should never marry.
-		-- Oscar Wilde
-%
-Only two groups of people fall for flattery -- men and women.
-%
-	People of all sorts of genders are reporting great difficulty,
-these days, in selecting the proper words to refer to those of the female
-persuasion.
-	"Lady," "woman," and "girl" are all perfectly good words, but
-misapplying them can earn one anything from the charge of vulgarity to a good
-swift smack.  We are messing here with matters of deference, condescension,
-respect, bigotry, and two vague concepts, age and rank.  It is troubling
-enough to get straight who is really what.  Those who deliberately misuse
-the terms in a misbegotten attempt at flattery are asking for it.
-	A woman is any grown-up female person.  A girl is the un-grown-up
-version.  If you call a wee thing with chubby cheeks and pink hair ribbons a
-"woman," you will probably not get into trouble, and if you do, you will be
-able to handle it because she will be under three feet tall.  However, if you
-call a grown-up by a child's name for the sake of implying that she has a
-youthful body, you are also implying that she has a brain to match.
-%
-Physically there is nothing to distinguish human society from the
-farm-yard except that children are more troublesome and costly than
-chickens and women are not so completely enslaved as farm stock.
-		-- George Bernard Shaw, "Getting Married"
-%
-Rich bachelors should be heavily taxed.  It is not fair that some men
-should be happier than others.
-		-- Oscar Wilde
-%
-Sally:	C'mon, Ted, all I'm asking you to do is share your feelings
-	with me.
-Ted:	ALL?  Do you realize what you're asking?  Men aren't trained
-	to share.  We're trained to protect ourselves by not
-	letting anyone too close.  Good grief, if I go around
-	sharing everything with you, you could hang me out to dry.
-Sally:	It's called "trust," Ted.
-Ted:	"Sharing"?  "Trust"?  You're really asking me to sail into
-	uncharted waters here.
-		-- Sally Forth
-%
-Scientists still know less about what attracts men than they do about
-what attracts mosquitoes.
-		-- Dr. Joyce Brothers,
-		"What Every Woman Should Know About Men"
-%
-She always believed in the old adage -- leave them while you're looking good.
-		-- Anita Loos, "Gentlemen Prefer Blondes"
-%
-She been married so many times she got rice marks all over her face.
-		-- Tom Waits
-%
-She is descended from a long line that her mother listened to.
-		-- Gypsy Rose Lee
-%
-She just came in, pounced around this thing with me for a few years, enjoyed
-herself, gave it a sort of beautiful quality and left.  Excited a few men
-in the meantime.
-		-- Patrick Macnee, reminiscing on Diana Rigg's
-		   involvement in "The Avengers".
-%
-She liked him; he was a man of many qualities, even if most of them were bad.
-%
-She missed an invaluable opportunity to give him a look that you could
-have poured on a waffle ...
-%
-She's learned to say things with her eyes that others waste time putting
-into words.
-%
-She's so tough she won't take 'yes' for an answer.
-%
-She's the kind of girl who climbed the ladder of success wrong by wrong.
-		-- Mae West
-%
-So many beautiful women and so little time.
-		-- John Barrymore
-%
-So many men; so little time.
-%
-So many women; so little nerve.
-%
-So many women; so little time!
-%
-	"So you don't have to, Cindy, but I was wondering if you might
-want to go to someplace, you know, with me, sometime."
-	"Well, I can think of a lot of worse things, David."
-	"Friday, then?"
-	"Why not, David, it might even be fun."
-		-- Dating in Minnesota
-%
-Some husbands are living proof that a woman can take a joke.
-%
-Some marriages are made in heaven -- but so are thunder and lightning.
-%
-Some men are all right in their place -- if they only the knew the right places!
-		-- Mae West
-%
-Some men are so interested in their wives' continued happiness that they
-hire detectives to find out the reason for it.
-%
-Some men are so macho they'll get you pregnant just to kill a rabbit.
-		-- Maureen Murphy
-%
-Some men feel that the only thing they owe the woman who marries them
-is a grudge.
-		-- Helen Rowland
-%
-Some of us are becoming the men we wanted to marry.
-		-- Gloria Steinem
-%
-Sometimes a cigar is just a cigar.
-		-- Sigmund Freud
-%
-Sometimes, when I think of what that girl means to me, it's all I can do
-to keep from telling her.
-		-- Andy Capp
-%
-Stanford women are responsible for the success of many Stanford men:
-they give them "just one more reason" to stay in and study every night.
-%
-Take my word for it, the silliest woman can manage a clever man, but it
-needs a very clever woman to manage a fool.
-		-- Kipling
-%
-Tehee quod she, and clapte the wyndow to.
-		-- Geoffrey Chaucer
-%
-That woman speaks eight languages and can't say "no" in any of them.
-		-- Dorothy Parker
-%
-The advantage of being celibate is that when one sees a pretty girl one
-does not need to grieve over having an ugly one back home.
-		-- Paul Leautaud, "Propos d'un jour"
-%
-The anger of a woman is the greatest evil with which you can threaten your
-enemies.
-		-- Bonnard
-%
-The average girl would rather have beauty than brains because she knows
-that the average man can see much better than he can think.
-		-- Ladies' Home Journal
-%
-The average woman must inevitably view her actual husband with a certain
-disdain; he is anything but her ideal.  In consequence, she cannot help
-feeling that her children are cruelly handicapped by the fact that he is
-their father.
-		-- H.L. Mencken
-%
-The best man for the job is often a woman.
-%
-The best thing about being bald is, that, when unexpected company arrives,
-all you have to do is straighten your tie.
-%
-The big question is why in the course of evolution the males permitted
-themselves to be so totally eclipsed by the females.  Why do they tolerate
-this total subservience, this wretched existence as outcasts who are
-hungry all the time?
-%
-The chains of marriage are so heavy that it takes two to carry them, and
-sometimes three.
-		-- Alexandre Dumas
-%
-The days just prior to marriage are like a snappy introduction to a 
-tedious book.
-%
-	The defense attorney was hammering away at the plaintiff:
-"You claim," he jeered, "that my client came at you with a broken bottle
-in his hand.  But is it not true, that you had something in YOUR hand?"
-	"Yes," the man admitted, "his wife. Very charming, of course,
-but not much good in a fight."
-%
-The difference between legal separation and divorce is that legal
-separation gives the man time to hide his money.
-%
-The duration of passion is proportionate with the original resistance
-of the woman.
-		-- Honor'e DeBalzac
-%
-The eternal feminine draws us upward.
-		-- Goethe
-%
-The first marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence,
-and the second the triumph of hope over experience.
-%
-The gentlemen looked one another over with microscopic carelessness.
-%
-The girl who remembers her first kiss now has a daughter who can't even
-remember her first husband.
-%
-The girl who stoops to conquer usually wears a low-cut dress.
-%
-The girl who swears no one has ever made love to her has a right to swear.
-		-- Sophia Loren
-%
-The gods gave man fire and he invented fire engines.  They gave him
-love and he invented marriage.
-%
-The happiest time of a person's life is after his first divorce.
-		-- J.K. Galbraith 
-%
-The heaviest object in the world is the body of the woman you have ceased
-to love.
-		-- Marquis de Lac de Clapiers Vauvenargues
-%
-The honeymoon is not actually over until we cease to stifle our sighs
-and begin to stifle our yawns.
-		-- Helen Rowland
-%
-The honeymoon is over when he phones to say he'll be late for supper and
-she's already left a note that it's in the refrigerator.
-		-- Bill Lawrence
-%
-The husband who doesn't tell his wife everything probably reasons that
-what she doesn't know won't hurt him.
-		-- Leo J. Burke
-%
-The little girl expects no declaration of tenderness from her doll.
-She loves it -- and that's all.  It is thus that we should love.
-		-- DeGourmont
-%
-The majority of husbands remind me of an orangutang trying to play the violin.
-		-- Honor'e DeBalzac
-%
-The man who understands one woman is qualified to understand pretty well
-everything.
-		-- Yeats
-%
-The mature bohemian is one whose woman works full time.
-%
-The most common form of marriage proposal: "YOU'RE WHAT!?"
-%
-The most dangerous food is wedding cake.
-		-- American proverb
-%
-The most difficult years of marriage are those following the wedding.
-%
-The most happy marriage I can imagine to myself would be the union
-of a deaf man to a blind woman.
-		-- Samuel Taylor Coleridge
-%
-The most important thing in a relationship between a man and a woman
-is that one of them be good at taking orders.
-		-- Linda Festa
-%
-The most popular labor-saving device today is still a husband with money.
-		-- Joey Adams, "Cindy and I"
-%
-The mother of the year should be a sterilized woman with two adopted children.
-		-- Paul Ehrlich
-%
-The one charm of marriage is that it makes a life of deception a neccessity.
-		-- Oscar Wilde
-%
-The only real argument for marriage is that it remains the best method
-for getting acquainted.
-		-- Heywood Broun
-%
-The only really masterful noise a man makes in a house is the noise
-of his key, when he is still on the landing, fumbling for the lock.
-		-- Colette
-%
-The perfect man is the true partner.  Not a bed partner nor a fun partner,
-but a man who will shoulder burdens equally with [you] and possess that
-quality of joy.
-		-- Erica Jong
-%
-The person who marries for money usually earns every penny of it.
-%
-The prettiest women are almost always the most boring, and that is why
-some people feel there is no God.
-		-- Woody Allen, "Without Feathers"
-%
-The Ruffed Pandanga of Borneo and Rotherham spreads out his feathers in
-his courtship dance and imitates Winston Churchill and Tommy Cooper on
-one leg.  The padanga is dying out because the female padanga doesn't
-take it too seriously.
-		-- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"
-%
-The six great gifts of an Irish girl are beauty, soft voice, sweet speech,
-wisdom, needlework, and chastity.
-		-- Theodore Roosevelt, 1907
-%
-The surest sign that a man is in love is when he divorces his wife.
-%
-The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing
--- and then marry him.
-		-- Cher
-%
-The truth about a woman often lasts longer than the woman is true.
-%
-The two things that can get you into trouble quicker than anything else
-are fast women and slow horses.
-%
-The way to fight a woman is with your hat.  Grab it and run.
-%
-The woman you buy -- and she is the least expensive -- takes a great
-deal of money.  The woman who gives herself takes all your time.
-		-- Balzac
-%
-There are a few things that never go out of style, and a feminine woman
-is one of them.
-		-- Ralston
-%
-There are four stages to a marriage.  First there's the affair, then there's
-the marriage, then children and finally the fourth stage, without which you
-cannot know a woman, the divorce.
-		-- Norman Mailer
-%
-There are three things I have always loved and never understood --
-art, music, and women.
-%
-There are three things men can do with women: love them, suffer for them,
-or turn them into literature.
-		-- Stephen Stills
-%
-There are two times when a man doesn't understand a woman -- before
-marriage and after marriage.
-%
-There goes the good time that was had by all.
-		-- Bette Davis, remarking on a passing starlet
-%
-There is a vast difference between the savage and civilized man, but it
-is never apparent to their wives until after breakfast.
-		-- Helen Rowland
-%
-There is no realizable power that man cannot, in time, fashion the tools
-to attain, nor any power so secure that the naked ape will not abuse it.
-So it is written in the genetic cards -- only physics and war hold him in
-check.  And also the wife who wants him home by five, of course.
-		-- Encyclopadia Apocryphia, 1990 ed.
-%
-There is no such thing as an ugly woman -- there are only the ones who do
-not know how to make themselves attractive.
-		-- Christian Dior
-%
-There is not much to choose between a woman who deceives us for another,
-and a woman who deceives another for ourselves.
-		-- Augier
-%
-There is only one way to console a widow.  But remember the risk.
-		-- Robert Heinlein
-%
-There's nothing like a girl with a plunging neckline to keep a man on his toes.
-%
-There's nothing like a good dose of another woman to make a man appreciate
-his wife.
-		-- Clare Booth Luce
-%
-There's nothing like good food, good wine, and a bad girl.
-%
-There's one consolation about matrimony.  When you look around you can
-always see somebody who did worse.
-		-- Warren H. Goldsmith
-%
-There's one fool at least in every married couple.
-%
-There's only one way to have a happy marriage and as soon as I learn
-what it is I'll get married again.
-		-- Clint Eastwood
-%
-There's too much beauty upon this earth for lonely men to bear.
-		-- Richard Le Gallienne
-%
-This guy runs into his house and yells to his wife, "Kathy, pack up your
-bags!  I just won the California lottery!"
-	"Honey!", Kathy exclaims, "Shall I pack for warm weather or cold?"
-	"I don't care," responds the husband. "just so long as you're out
-of the house by dinner!"
-%
-'Tis more blessed to give than receive; for example, wedding presents.
-		-- H.L. Mencken
-%
-To be beautiful is enough! if a woman can do that well who should demand
-more from her?  You don't want a rose to sing.
-		-- Thackeray
-%
-To be considered successful, a woman must be much better at her job
-than a man would have to be.  Fortunately, this isn't difficult.
-%
-To be successful, a woman has to be much better at her job than a man.
-		-- Golda Meir
-%
-To err is human -- but it feels divine.
-		-- Mae West
-%
-To find out a girl's faults, praise her to her girl friends.
-		-- Benjamin Franklin
-%
-To many, total abstinence is easier than perfect moderation.
-		-- St. Augustine
-%
-To our sweethearts and wives.  May they never meet.
-		-- 19th century toast
-%
-Today when a man gets married he gets a home, a housekeeper, a cook, a cheering
-squad and another paycheck.  When a woman marries, she gets a boarder.
-%
-Too much of a good thing is WONDERFUL.
-		-- Mae West
-%
-Trust your husband, adore your husband, and get as much as you can in your
-own name.
-		-- Joan Rivers
-%
-Twenty years of romance make a woman look like a ruin; but twenty years of
-marriage make her something like a public building.
-		-- Oscar Wilde
-%
-Two sure ways to tell a REALLY sexy man; the first is, he has a bad memory.
-I forget the second.
-%
-Until Eve arrived, this was a man's world.
-		-- Richard Armour
-%
-Valerie: Aww, Tom, you're going maudlin on me ...
-Tom:	 I reserve the right to wax maudlin as I wane eloquent ...
-		-- Tom Chapin
-%
-Very few modern women either like or desire marriage, especially after the
-ceremony has been performed.  Primarily women wish attention and affection.
-Matrimony is something they accept when there is no alternative.  Really,
-it is a waste of time, and hazardous, to marry them.  It leaves one open
-to a rival.  Husbands, good or bad, always have rivals.  Lovers, never.
-		-- Helen Lawrenson, "Esquire"
-%
-We were happily married for eight months.  Unfortunately, we were married
-for four and a half years.
-		-- Nick Faldo
-%
-We're all looking for a woman who can sit in a mini-skirt and talk
-philosophy, executing both with confidence and style.
-%
-Wedding is destiny, and hanging likewise.
-		-- John Heywood
-%
-Wedding rings are the world's smallest handcuffs.
-%
-Well, it's hard for a mere man to believe that woman doesn't have equal rights.
-		-- Dwight D. Eisenhower
-%
-What a misfortune to be a woman!  And yet, the worst misfortune is not to
-understand what a misfortune it is.
-		-- Kierkegaard, 1813-1855.
-%
-What do you give a man who has everything?  Penicillin.
-		-- Jerry Lester
-%
-	"What do you give a man who has everything?" the pretty teenager
-asked her mother.
-	"Encouragement, dear," she replied.
-%
-What nonsense people talk about happy marriages!  A man can be happy with
-any woman so long as he doesn't love her.
-		-- Oscar Wilde
-%
-What passes for woman's intuition is often nothing more than man's
-transparency.
-		-- George Nathan
-%
-What publishers are looking for these days isn't radical feminism.  It's
-corporate feminism -- a brand of feminism designed to sell books and
-magazines, three-piece suits, airline tickets, Scotch, cigarettes and,
-most important, corporate America's message, which runs: Yes, women were
-discriminated against in the past, but that unfortunate mistake has been
-remedied; now every woman can attain wealth, prestige and power by dint
-of individual rather than collective effort.
-		-- Susan Gordon
-%
-Whatever women do they must do twice as well as men to be thought half
-as good.  Luckily this is not difficult.
-		-- Charlotte Whitton
-%
-When a girl can read the handwriting on the wall, she may be in the wrong
-rest room.
-%
-When a girl marries she exchanges the attentions of many men for the
-inattentions of one.
-		-- Helen Rowland
-%
-When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him
-keep her.
-		-- Sacha Guitry
-%
-When a woman gives me a present I have always two surprises:
-first is the present, and afterward, having to pay for it.
-		-- Donnay
-%
-When a woman marries again it is because she detested her first husband.
-When a man marries again, it is because he adored his first wife.
-		-- Oscar Wilde
-%
-When choosing between two evils, I always like to take the one I've never
-tried before.
-		-- Mae West, "Klondike Annie"
-%
-When God created two sexes, he may have been overdoing it.
-		-- Charles Merrill Smith
-%
-When God saw how faulty was man He tried again and made woman.  As to
-why he then stopped there are two opinions.  One of them is woman's.
-		-- DeGourmont
-%
-When I was a young man, I vowed never to marry until I found the ideal
-woman.  Well, I found her -- but alas, she was waiting for the ideal man.
-		-- Robert Schuman
-%
-When I'm good, I'm great; but when I'm bad, I'm better.
-		-- Mae West
-%
-When it comes to broken marriages most husbands will split the blame --
-half his wife's fault, and half her mother's.
-%
-When Marriage is Outlawed, Only Outlaws will have Inlaws.
-%
-When my freshman roommate at Cornell found out I was Jewish, she was, at
-her request, moved to a different room.  She told me she didn't think she
-had ever seen a Jew before.  My only response was to begin wearing a
-small Star of David on a chain around my neck.  I had not become a more
-observing Jew; rather, discovering that the label of Jew was offensive to
-others made me want to let people know who I was and what I believed in.
-Similarly, after talking to these young women -- one of whom told me that
-she didn't think she had ever met a feminist -- I've taken to identifying
-myself as a feminist in the most unlikely of situations.
-		-- Susan Bolotin, "Voices From the Post-Feminist Generation"
-%
-When one knows women one pities men, but when one studies men,
-one excuses women.
-		-- Horne Tooke
-%
-When the candles are out all women are fair.
-		-- Plutarch
-%
-When the saleman's car broke down, he walked to the nearest farmhouse to ask
-if he could stay the night.  The farmer agreed to put him up.  "I live alone,"
-he continued, "you can have the bedroom at the top of the stairs, to the
-right."
-	"Oh, never mind," the disappointed salesman said. "I think I'm in
-the wrong joke."
-%
-When there is an old maid in the house, a watch dog is unnecessary.
-		-- Balzac
-%
-When two people are under the influence of the most violent, most insane,
-most delusive, and most transient of passions, they are required to swear
-that they will remain in that excited, abnormal, and exhausting condition
-continuously until death do them part.
-		-- George Bernard Shaw
-%
-When women kiss it always reminds one of prize fighters shaking hands.
-		-- H.L. Mencken, "Sententiae"
-%
-When women love us, they forgive us everything, even our crimes; when they do
-not love us, they give us credit for nothing, not even our virtues.
-		-- Honor'e de Balzac
-%
-When you're bored with yourself, marry, and be bored with someone else.
-		-- David Pryce-Jones
-%
-When you're married to someone, they take you for granted ... when
-you're living with someone it's fantastic ... they're so frightened
-of losing you they've got to keep you satisfied all the time.
-		-- Nell Dunn, "Poor Cow"
-%
-Whenever I date a guy, I think, is this the man I want my children
-to spend their weekends with?
-		-- Rita Rudner
-%
-Where's the man could ease a heart like a satin gown?
-		-- Dorothy Parker, "The Satin Dress"
-%
-Why a man would want a wife is a big mystery to some people.  Why a man
-would want *___two* wives is a bigamystery.
-%
-Why isn't there some cheap and easy way to prove how much she means to me?
-%
-Why won't you let me kiss you goodnight?  Is it something I said?
-		-- Tom Ryan
-%
-With the end of the football season, a star player for the college team
-celebrated the relaxation of team curfew by attending a late-night campus
-party.  Soon after arriving, he became captivated by a beautiful coed and
-eased into a conversation with her by asking if she met many dates at
-parties.
-	"Oh, I have a three point eight, so I'm much more attracted to the
-strong academic types than to the dumb party animals," she said.  "What's
-your G.P.A.?"
-	Grinning ear to ear, the jock boasted, "I get about twenty-five in
-the city and forty on the highway."
-%
-Woman inspires us to great things, and prevents us from achieving them.
-		-- Dumas
-%
-Woman was God's second mistake.
-		-- Nietzsche
-%
-Woman was taken out of man -- not out of his head, to rule over him; nor
-out of his feet, to be trampled under by him; but out of his side, to be
-equal to him -- under his arm, that he might protect her, and near his heart
-that he might love her.
-		-- Henry
-%
-Woman's advice has little value, but he who won't take it is a fool.
-		-- Cervantes
-%
-Women are all alike.  When they're maids they're mild as milk: once make 'em
-wives, and they lean their backs against their marriage certificates, and
-defy you.
-		-- Jerrold
-%
-Women are always anxious to urge bachelors to matrimony; is it from charity,
-or revenge?
-		-- Gustave Vapereau
-%
-Women are just like men, only different.
-%
-Women are like elephants to me: I like to look at them, but I wouldn't
-want to own one.
-		-- W.C. Fields
-%
-Women are not much, but they are the best other sex we have.
-		-- Herold
-%
-Women are wiser than men because they know less and understand more.
-		-- Stephens
-%
-Women aren't as mere as they used to be.
-		-- Pogo
-%
-Women can keep a secret just as well as men, but it takes more of them
-to do it.
-%
-Women complain about sex more than men.  Their gripes fall into two
-categories: (1) Not enough and (2) Too much.
-		-- Ann Landers
-%
-Women give themselves to God when the Devil wants nothing more to do with them.
-		-- Arnould
-%
-Women give to men the very gold of their lives.  Possibly; but they
-invariably want it back in such very small change.
-		-- Oscar Wilde
-%
-Women in love consist of a little sighing, a little crying, a little dying
--- and a good deal of lying.
-		-- Ansey
-%
-Women reason with the heart and are much less often wrong than men who
-reason with the head.
-		-- DeLescure
-%
-Women sometimes forgive a man who forces the opportunity, but never a man
-who misses one.
-		-- Charles De Talleyrand-Perigord
-%
-Women treat us just as humanity treats its gods.  They worship us and are
-always bothering us to do something for them.
-		-- Oscar Wilde
-%
-Women want their men to be cops.  They want you to punish them and tell
-them what the limits are.  The only thing that women hate worse from a man
-than being slapped is when you get on your knees and say you're sorry.
-		-- Mort Sahl
-%
-Women waste men's lives and think they have indemnified them by a few
-gracious words.
-		-- Honor'e de Balzac
-%
-Women who want to be equal to men lack imagination.
-%
-Women wish to be loved without a why or a wherefore; not because they are
-pretty, or good, or well-bred, or graceful, or intelligent, but because
-they are themselves.
-		-- Amiel
-%
-Women's virtue is man's greatest invention.
-		-- Cornelia Otis Skinner
-%
-Women, deceived by men, want to marry them; it is a kind of revenge
-as good as any other.
-		-- Philippe De Remi
-%
-Women, when they are not in love, have all the cold blood of an experienced 
-attorney.
-		-- Honor'e de Balzac
-%
-Women, when they have made a sheep of a man, always tell him that he is a
-lion with a will of iron.
-		-- Honor'e de Balzac
-%
-	"You are *so* lovely."
-	"Yes."
-	"Yes!  And you take a compliment, too!  I like that in a goddess."
-%
-You are not permitted to kill a woman who has wronged you, but nothing
-forbids you to reflect that she is growing older every minute.  You are
-avenged fourteen hundred and forty times a day.
-		-- Ambrose Bierce
-%
-You ask what a nice girl will do?  She won't give an inch, but she won't
-say no.
-		-- Marcus Valerius Martialis
-%
-You can have a dog as a friend.  You can have whiskey as a friend.  But
-if you have a woman as a friend, you're going to wind up drunk and kissing
-your dog.
-		-- foolin' around
-%
-You can never trust a woman; she may be true to you.
-%
-You can't kiss a girl unexpectedly -- only sooner than she thought you would.
-%
-You have only to mumble a few words in church to get married and few words
-in your sleep to get divorced.
-%
-You just know when a relationship is about to end.  My girlfriend called me
-at work and asked me how you change a lightbulb in the bathroom.  "It's very
-simple," I said. "You start by filling up the bathtub with water..."
-%
-You know what we can be like:  See a guy and think he's cute one minute, the
-next minute our brains have us married with kids, the following minute we see
-him having an extramarital affair.  By the time someone says "I'd like you to
-meet Cecil," we shout, "You're late again with the child support!"
-		-- Cynthia Heimel, "A Girl's Guide to Chaos"
-%
-You know you're getting old when you're Dad, and you're measuring your daughter
-for camp clothes, and there are certain measurements only her mother is allowed
-to take.
-%
-You know, of course, that the Tasmanians, who never committed adultery,
-are now extinct.
-		-- M. Somerset Maugham
-%
-You lived with a man who wore white belts?  Laura, I'm disappointed in you.
-		-- Remington Steele
-%
-You think Oedipus had a problem -- Adam was Eve's mother.
-%
-"You're just the sort of person I imagined marrying, when I was little...
-except, y'know, not green... and without all the patches of fungus."
-		-- Swamp Thing
-%
-	Young men and young women may work systematically six days in the
-week and rise fresh in the morning, but let them attend modern dances for
-only a few hours each evening and see what happens.  The Waltz, Polka,
-Gallop and other dances of the same kind will be disastrous in their effects
-to both sexes.  Health and vigor will vanish like the dew before the sun.
-	It is not the extraordinary exercise which harms the dancer, but
-rather the coming into close contact with the opposite sex.  It is the
-fury of lust craving incessantly for more pleasure that undermines the
-soul, the body, the sinews and nerves.  Experience and statistics show
-beyond doubt that passionate excessive dancing girls can hardly reach
-twenty-five years of age and men thirty-one.  Even if they reached that
-age they will in most instances be broken in health physically and morally.
-This is the claim of prominent physicians in this country.
-		-- Quote from a 1910 periodical
-%
-Young men want to be faithful and are not; old men want to be faithless and
-cannot.
-		-- Oscar Wilde
-%
-Youth had been a habit of hers so long that she could not part with it.
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