fortune-teller 0.1.2 → 0.3.0

package/fortunes/off/unrotated/hphobia

@@ -1,405 +0,0 @@
-A '49er walked into the saloon at Bloody Gulch.  He'd been prospecting for 
-more than a year.  
-	"Hey!  Y'got any wimmen around here?"
-	"Nope," the bartender replied, "But there's George in the back room."
-	"I don't go for that kind of thing," the prospector scowled.  He
-downed his drink and left disgustedly.
-A few months passed before the miner found his way down the mountain again.
-He stumbled into the tavern and asked the bartender, "Any wimmen pass through
-this part of town?"
-	"Nope.  Nary a one.  But we still got George in the back room."
-	Angry, the miner shouted, "I told you I don't go for that kind of 
-thing," and turned on his heel and left.
-	Within a year he came back from his mine again.  With a wild look on
-his face he re-entered the saloon.  Leaning over the bar he whispered to the
-bartender, "If I was to go into the back room with George, how many people
-'round here would know?"
-	"Oh," the bartender said, scratching his chin, "'bout seven, I guess."
-	"Seven!?"
-	"Yep.  You, me, George, and the four men holdin' him down.  You see,
-George don't go for that kind of thing neither."
-%
-A genius is a queer who can whistle while he works.
-		-- Bobby Knight
-%
-A huge Rambolike fellow walked into a tavern and took a seat in the middle of
-the bar.  After downing a double in one gulp, he glared at the six men to his
-right and said, "You're all no-good motherfuckers.  Anyone have a problem with
-that?"
-	When no one said a word, the brawny fellow ordered another whiskey,
-downed it in one gulp, turned to the five men on his left and said, "You're
-all cocksuckers.  Anyone have a problem with that?"
-	Everybody on the left stared silently into his drink.  Suddenly, a man
-on the right stood up and started walking toward the big guy.  "Hey, asshole!"
-the thug bellowed.  "You got a problem with what I said?"
-	"No problem at all," came the reply.  "I was just sitting at the wrong
-end of the bar."
-%
-A lisping fag fell off a pleasure yacht and began to scream.  "Help! Help, I
-can't thwim!"  One of the other passengers heard the caterwauling and leaned
-over the rail, remarking, "Really, there's no need to scream.  Just reach out
-and grab that buoy near you."  To which the floundering sodomite answered,
-"Buoy!  Oh, thith ith no time for thekth, you degenerate... I'm dwowning!"
-%
-A man rushed into a bar and breathlessly asked the bartender to pour him
-three straight scotches.  The bartender complied, and watched as he downed
-them one after another.
-	"Why three scotches?" the bartender asked as he paused for breath.
-	"Well, to be honest, I'm celebrating my first blow-job."
-	"Hell, congratulations, the next one's on me."
-	"No, thanks," the young man replied, "if the first three didn't get
-the taste out of my mouth, I don't think another one will."
-%
-	A man walks into a bar and orders 3 shots and 3 beers.  The
-bartender, seeing that the man is distraught, asks what the problem is.
-	"I just found out that my brother is gay", he replies.
-	About a week later, the same man walks in and orders 6 shots and
-6 chasers.  So the bartender inquires, "What's wrong this time?"
-	To which the man says, "I just found out that two of my brothers
-are lovers."
-	Another week goes by and the man comes back to the bar and orders
-NINE shots and NINE beers.  The bartenders says "Damn, boy, doesn't anyone
-in your family like pussy?"
-	"Yeah.  Me and my sister."
-%
-A ten-year-old kid came home from school one day, and when his mom
-asked how was school he says: "Gee, great, mom.  I got laid!"
-	She's shocked and sends him upstairs, where his dad finds him after
-work.  "Mommy told me about your day at school, Billy, and I think we men
-should keep it a secret.  Women just don't understand these things."
-	So every night Dad goes up to Billy's room after Mom tucks him in:
-"You get laid today, Billy?"
-	"Yeah, Dad."
-	"How was it?"
-	"Real neat, Dad, I liked it a lot."
-	"Good Boy!".
-	A month later: "You get laid today?"
-	"No, Dad."
-	"No?  How come?"
-	"Gee, Dad, my ass is getting really sore."
-%
-A young man walks into a bus station, and goes into the men's room to relieve
-himself.  When he steps in he sees a leprechaun with the most enormous penis
-he has ever seen.  As he urinates, he cannot avoid spying on the giant member
-of the tiny man dressed in green.  The leprechaun zips up and the man asks him
-if he is indeed a real leprechaun.
-	The little man says, "Aye, me laddie, I'm a leprechaun, and I can
-grant you three wishes."
-	"Oh, wow!" comes the reply, "What do I need to do?"
-	"Well, havin' such a large cock makes it a bit awkward with the
-ladies, the thing not fittin' and all...  I'll grant you your three wishes
-if you wouldn't mind suckin' me dick 'til I come."  The man is a bit taken
-aback, but agrees, realizing that the three wishes will be priceless.  After
-the tiny fellow has come, he starts to walk away.
-	The man exclaims, "Hey, what about my three wishes?"
-	Replies the leprechaun, "How old are you, me boy?"
-	"25."
-	"Aren't you a wee bit old to be believin' in leprechauns?"
-%
-Another stupid gay joke!!!
-	You see, this gay man walks into a Texas bar and orders a strawberry
-daquiri.  The bartender looks him over with amusement and says: "We don't 
-serve your kind, buddy, why don't you get out of here before the boys come
-in and kick your ass?"
-	The guy whimpers a little and lisps, "Pleasse misssture I am soooo
-thurstay...."
-	Well, the bartender feels somewhat sorry for him and hands him a beer
-on the house on the condition that he drink it in the back and leave as soon 
-as he's done.  A little while later, a hulking cowboy walks in and up to the 
-bar.  He slams his fist on the bar and hollers, "I'm so thirsty, I could
-lick the sweat off of a bulls' balls!"
-	From the back of the bar comes the cry...  "Moo, moo, buckaroooooo!!!"
-%
-	Bubba, Jim Bob, and Leroy were fishing out on the lake last November,
-and, when Bubba tipped his head back to empty the Jim Beam, he fell out of the
-boat into the lake.  Jim Bob and Leroy pulled him back in, but as Bubba didn't
-look too good, they started up the Evinrude and headed back to the pier.
-	By the time they got there, Bubba was turning kind of blue, and his
-teeth were chattering like all get out.  Jim Bob said, "Leroy, go run up to
-the pickup and get Doc Pritchard on the CB, and ask him what we should do".
-	Doc Pritchard, after hearing a description of the case, said "Now,
-Leroy, listen closely.  Bubba is in great danger.  He has hy-po-thermia.  Now
-what you need to do is get all them wet clothes off of Bubba, and take your
-clothes off, and pile your clothes and jackets on top of him.  Then you all
-get under that pile, and hug up to Bubba real close so that you warm him up.
-You understand me Leroy?  You gotta warm Bubba up, or he'll die."
-	Leroy and the Doc 10-4'ed each other, and Leroy came back to the
-pier.  "Wh-Wh-What'd th-th-the d-d-doc s-s-say L-L-Leroy?", Bubba chattered.
-	"Bubba, Doc says you're gonna die."
-%
-	Elroy stared at Barb and then leaned quietly over to Shake Tiller
-and stuck out his hand.  "Son," he said.  "Tell the truth.  It ain't better
-than fried chicken, is it?"
-	Shake looked solemnly at Elroy, clasping his hand, and said:
-	"I got to be dead honest, Roy."
-	And Elroy said yeah, lay it on him.
-	Shake said slowly, "For a Lesbian who gave up the only real love she
-ever knew -- Sister Francis at Our Lady of Victory -- and for a person who
-can't make it any more with nothing but an electric toothbrush, she's the
-finest I've ever had."
-		-- Dan Jenkins, "Semi-Tough"
-%
-Everyone:	"Australia, Australia, Australia, Australia, we love you,
-		Amen!"
-Bruce:		"Another two!  (Bottles opening.)  Any questions?"
-Bruce:		"New-Bruce, are you a Poofter?"
-Bruce:		"Are you a Poofter?"
-New-Bruce:	"No!"
-Bruce:		"No.  Right, I just want to remind you of the faculty rules:
-	Rule One!"
-Everyone:	"NO POOFTERS!"
-Bruce:		"Rule Two, no member of the faculty is to maltreat the Abbos
-	in any way at all -- if there's anybody watching.  Rule Three?"
-Everyone:	"NO POOFTERS!"
-Bruce:		"Rule Four, now this term, I don't want to catch anybody not
-	drinking.  Rule Five..."
-Everyone:	"NO POOFTERS!"
-Bruce:		"Rule Six, there is NO... Rule Six.  Rule Seven..."
-Everyone:	"NO POOFTERS!"
-Bruce:		"Right, that concludes the readin' of the rules, Bruce.  This
-	here's the wattle, the emblem of our land. You can stick it in a
-	bottle, you can hold it in your hand.  Amen!
-		-- Monty Python
-%
-Female ballet dancers are the bravest girls around.  Who else would take a
-flying leap into the arms of a homosexual and expect to be caught?
-		-- Rita Rudner
-%
-For months the loving newlywed had asked his blushing bride to perform oral
-sex on him, but to no avail.  His sweet entreaties never worked, for she was
-simply too innocent and inexperienced to even *think* of such a thing, let
-alone attempt it.  But a year of gentle persistence finally paid off, and
-one night his darling nervously but lovingly performed the act.  When it was
-over, she looked deeply into his eyes, blushed, and asked, "How was I,
-sweetheart?"
-	He looked at her and replied, "How should I know -- I'm no cocksucker!"
-%
-He was so gay he'd never lean his ass on a baseball bat -- scared it'd get
-serious.
-%
-	"Hello, Police Department."
-	"This is Thomas Parrish, 903 Sylvester Court.  I've just been sexually 
-molested by a pervert, right here in my own home.  It was horrifying!"
-	"Just remain calm, sir, and tell me about it."
-	"Well, the man came in the window wearing a ski mask.  I was napping
-on the bed, in just my pajamas, and the TV set was on so I didn't hear anything.
-Suddenly he had his great big old callused hand over my mouth, holding me down.
-I tried to scream... he was pulling my pants off.  I was so frightened!  He
-held a knife to my throat and undressed so quickly.  What could I do?  I
-couldn't stop him.  He was huge.  A great, hairy, beefy man, more than fifty 
-pounds heavier than I am, and hung like... Oh! it was terrible.  He had an
-erection, and he knelt on my shoulders and forced the awful thing down my
-throat; forced me to suck it.  Yes, officer!  There was no escaping this man.
-Finally, when I thought I would faint, he got off me and turned me over on 
-my tummy, forcing my legs apart with his knees, and oh! I'm so embarrassed to
-say it, he put that huge thing...  It must have been a foot long, and I don't
-know how thick... into my...  Just a minute."
-	"What's the matter, mister?"
-	"Listen, I have to hang up now, he's getting out of the shower."
-%
-HEY KIDS!  ANN LANDERS SAYS:
-	A great way to prevent the tragedy of unwanted pregnancy is to
-become a homosexual.  Every year, millions of young men and women, just
-like you, are making the clean change to worry-free homosexuality.
-They're having more sex than ever, and more fun than ever.  Send 50 cents
-today for my leaflet "Gay sexual techniques".  Be sure to specify the
-male or female edition.
-%
-If God doesn't destroy San Francisco, He should apologize to Sodom and
-Gomorrah.
-%
-In a recent survey on why some men are homosexual, 82 percent of the gay
-chaps responding said that either genetics or home environment was the
-principal factor.  The remaining 18 percent revealed that they had been
-sucked into it.
-%
-In San Francisco, Halloween is redundant.
-		-- Will Durst
-%
-	Liberace was at heaven's gate when Saint Peter told him that he'd been
-disqualified from entering.
-	Stunned, Liberace asked, "Why?"
-	"Our records show that you once ate a parakeet," Saint Peter answered.
-	"I never did that," Liberace replied.  "Can't you check your records?
-They *must* be wrong!"
-	"It says right here that on August 15, 1981, you ate a chartreuse
-parakeet with black trim."
-	"Hey, listen, you must be thinking of Ozzy Osbourne, " Liberace
-replied. "Now, I might have had a cockatoo..."
-%
-Little Boy Blew... he needed the money.
-%
-One fall day, two men were out in the woods hunting.  Feeling a sudden need
-to relieve himself, George went over to a nearby clump of bushes, unzipped
-his fly, and started in when a poisonous snake lunged out of the bushes and
-bit him on his penis.  Hearing George's howl of pain and fright, his friend
-Fred came running up and told him to lie still while he used the radio to
-call a doctor.
-	"There's only one way to save your friend's life," said the doctor
-gravely.  "If you cut a shallow 'X' over the bite and then suck as much of
-the poison out as you can, he'll probably be okay, but otherwise there's not
-much hope."
-	Hearing Fred's footsteps, George rose weakly up on one elbow and
-cried out, "Fred, what'd he say?  What did the doctor say?"
-	"George, old friend," said Fred sadly, "he said you're gonna die."
-%
-Out on the great American desert one day, a bald eagle reached a
-state of great libidal distress.  Pickings were slim, but in time, he saw a
-dove flying by.  "Better than nothin'", he muttered (birds in jokes can mutter)
-and swooped down, grabbed the dove and flew to his nest.  Feathers flew, and
-eventually the dove tottered to the edge of the cliff and shouted (yes, they
-shout, too):
-	"I'm a dove!  I've been loved!  And I LIKE it!"
-	Well, this took care of the old boy for a while but soon enough he
-was at it again.  All he could find was a lark, so away he went, and feathers
-flew and soon the lark tottered to the edge of the cliff and shouted:
-	"I'm a lark!  I've been sparked!  And I LIKE it!"
-	As you can guess, some time later our friend was again in need of
-amor... lib... you know!  This time, all that happened by was... a duck!
-So down he swooped, and feathers flew, and the next thing seen is the duck
-tottering to the cliffside and shouting:
-	"I'M A DRAKE!  THERE'S BEEN A MISTAKE!  AND I DON'T LIKE IT!!!
-%
-	Sam Lefkovitz is having an intimate party to celebrate his thirty
-immensely profitable years in the construction business.
-	"You know," he laments to his friends, "over the years I have
-constructed dozens of enormous projects in and around this city, but
-am I known as Sam the Builder?  No.
-	And over the years I have contributed literally millions of
-dollars to charitable causes of one sort or another, but am I called
-Sam the Philanthropist?  No sir!
-	But suck one little cock..."
-%
-The most difficult thing about surviving AIDS is trying to convince
-your parents that you're Haitian.
-%
-The new rooster caused a great stir in the barnyard.  From resplendent comb
-to defiant spurs, he was the picture of young bantamhood.  Almost immediately
-upon arrival, he was greeted by and elderly rooster who took him behind the
-barn and whispered in his ear: "Young fellow, I'm long past my prime.  All I
-want now is peace and solitude.  So you take over right now as ruler of the
-roost with my blessings."
-	The newcomer did just that.  He went about his squirely duties as only
-a young rooster could.  After several days, however, the elder rooster again
-took the young champion behind the barn.  "Kid," he said, "the hens are after
-me for giving up my position so readily.  So why don't we have a race, say,
-ten laps around the farmhouse?  The winner becomes undisputed keeper of the
-henhouse and the hens will stop nagging me.
-	The young rooster, with only contempt for his elder, agreed.  
-Surprisingly, the older one jumped off to an early lead.  His counterpart, 
-weakened by the activities of the previous week, was never quite able to
-overtake him.  As they rounded the barn for the fourth time, the elder rooster 
-maintained a formidable lead.
-	Suddenly, a shotgun blast rang out.  The young rooster fell in the 
-dust, his plumage riddled with buckshot.
-	"Dammit, Emmy," said the farmer.  "That's the last rooster we buy
-from Ferguson.  Four of 'em this month, and every one's been queer."
-%
-The San Francisco police are nothing if not sensitive to the mood of the
-community.  The word is that Dirty Harry has been replaced by Bitchy Gerald.
-%
-The warden of the De Luxington preparatory school for boys was holding a
-hearing.  The lad before his desk, a very popular young fellow, was angrily
-accusing one of his schoolmates of having assaulted him sexually.
-	"I must warn you, m'boy, this is a very serious charge, the warden
-said.
-	"I don't care.  I tell you it is true.  He raped me, warden."  The
-youth pointed to another, somewhat larger boy smirking in the corner.
-"That's him, sir, the one who forced me to do all those crimes against
-nature.  The bully!"
-	"Now tell me, son, as closely as you can, when this happened."
-	"Sir, two weeks ago on Wednesday at 4:00, then at 7:00 that same 
-evening, on Friday, twice on Saturday, two times on Monday, once on
-Wednesday, and then he met that bitch Roy and he hasn't touched me since."
-%
-Then there was the girl whose boyfriend didn't smoke, drink or 
-swear, and never, ever made a pass at her.  He also made his own dresses.
-%
-There is a new model of car being sold in San Francisco -- the pervertible.
-The top doesn't go down, but the driver does.
-%
-	This guy is taking a leak in a public men's room when a man enters
-with his arms held out from his sides, bent at the elbows with his hands
-dangling awkwardly, and comes over to him.
-	"Would you do me a favor and unzip my fly?" he asks.
-	Figuring the man to be a poor cripple, perhaps an accident victim,
-the guy obliges, not without a flush of embarrassment when the man next
-requests that he take out his prick and hold it in the appropriate position.
-	"Shake it off" is the next instruction, then "zip me up," and the
-guy follows orders, wincing at his own embarrassment and at the shame of
-being so helpless.
-	"Say, thanks," says the man, flouncing to the door.  "I can't do a
-*thing* 'til my nails dry!"
-%
-	Two gay guys, Larry and Phil, were driving down the highway when they
-were rear-ended by a huge semi.  Somewhat shaken, they maneuvered over to the
-side of the road, where Phil instructed Larry to get out and confront the truck
-driver.  "Tell him we're going to sue, sue, sue!" he shrieked.
-	Obligingly, Larry got out and went around to the cab of the truck to 
-deliver this message to the huge, burly driver, whose response was to snarl,
-"Ah, why doncha suck my cock."
-	"Phil," said Larry, coming back to their car, "I think we're going
-to be able to settle out of court."
-%
-Two gentlemen met at the club after a long absence and talked.
-	"Did you hear about Chumley?", one asked.
-	"No, old man, what about him?"
-	"Last seen in Africa, you know."
-	"No, I didn't."
-	"Yes.  Appalling.  Ran off with a gorilla.  Fallen in love."
-	"Queer."
-	"Not Chumley.  Female gorilla."
-%
-Two men and a woman were stranded on a desert island --
-
-Two weeks later, the woman was so ashamed of what she had been doing,
-she committed suicide.
-
-Two weeks later, the men were so ashamed of what they had been doing,
-they buried her.
-
-Two weeks later, the men were so ashamed of what they had been doing,
-they dug her back up.
-%
-Visiting a lawyer for advice, the wife said, "I want you to help me obtain a
-divorce. My husband is getting a little queer to sleep with."
-
-What do you mean?" asked the attorney. "Does he force you to indulge
-in unusual sex practices?"
-
-"No, he doesn't," replied the woman, "and neither does the little queer."
-%
-Well, it seems that there was this traveling saleswoman whose car broke
-down, late at night, in the middle of a torrential downpour.  Hoping to
-find a phone she ran to a nearby farmhouse.  When she was unable to find
-a garage still open, the farmer told her that, while they were short of
-beds, she could sleep with his daughter.  The daughter proved to eighteen
-and beautiful.  So they went to bed, and shortly afterward, the saleswoman
-rolled over toward the daughter and said, "Dear, I'm sure that you're aware
-that some women like... to be with... other women.  Let me be frank..."
-	"No!" interrupted the daughter, sternly.  "This time *I* want to
-be Frank!"
-%
- WHAT TO DO WHEN YOU MEET A QUEER PERSON:
-                        HINTS FOR HETEROSEXUALS
- 
- 
-1.      Do not run screaming from the room.  This is rude.
- 
-2.      If you must back away, do so slowly and with discretion.
- 
-3.      Do not assume she/he is attracted to you.
- 
-4.      Do not assume he/she is not attracted to you.
- 
-5.      Do not assume that you are not attracted to her/him.
- 
-6.      Do not expect him/her to be as excited about meeting a straight
-        person as you may be about meeting a queer person.
-		-- ae606@freenet.carleton.ca (Victoria Edwards)
-		   [soc.women.lesbian-and-bi]
-%
-Women's Libbers are OK.  I just wouldn't want my sister to marry one.
-%
-You'll be a guest at a gay party that will have important consequences for you.
-%