fortune-teller 0.1.2 → 0.3.0

package/fortunes/pets

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-A door is what a dog is perpetually on the wrong side of.
-		-- Ogden Nash
-%
-	A little dog goes into a saloon in the Wild West, and beckons to
-the bartender.  "Hey, bartender, gimme a whiskey."
-	The bartender ignores him.
-	"Hey bartender, gimme a whiskey!"
-	Still ignored.
-	"HEY BARMAN!!  GIMME A WHISKEY!!"
-	The bartender takes out his six-shooter and shoots the dog in the
-leg, and the dog runs out the saloon, howling in pain.
-	Three years later, the wee dog appears again, wearing boots,
-jeans, chaps, a Stetson, gun belt, and guns.  He ambles slowly into the
-saloon, goes up to the bar, leans over it, and says to the bartender,
-"I'm here t'git the man that shot muh paw."
-%
-About the only thing on a farm that has an easy time is the dog.
-%
-All intelligent species own cats.
-%
-Any member introducing a dog into the Society's premises shall be
-liable to a fine of one pound.  Any animal leading a blind person shall
-be deemed to be a cat.
-		-- Rule 46, Oxford Union Society, London
-%
-Anyone who considers protocol unimportant has never dealt with a cat.
-		-- R. Heinlein 
-%
-	"Anything else you wish to draw to my attention, Mr. Holmes ?"
-	"The curious incident of the stable dog in the nighttime."
-	"But the dog did nothing in the nighttime."
-	"That was the curious incident."
-		-- A. Conan Doyle, "Silver Blaze"
-%
-Auribus teneo lupum.
-	[I hold a wolf by the ears.]
-	[Boy, it *sounds* good.  But what does it *mean*?]
-%
-Breeding rabbits is a hare raising experience.
-%
-Cats are intended to teach us that not everything in nature has a function.
-		-- Garrison Keillor
-%
-Cats are smarter than dogs.  You can't make eight cats pull a sled through
-the snow.
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-Cats, no less liquid than their shadows, offer no angles to the wind.
-%
-Chihuahuas drive me crazy.  I can't stand anything that shivers when it's warm.
-%
-"Contrary to popular belief, penguins are not the salvation of modern
-technology.  Neither do they throw parties for the urban proletariat."
-%
-Did you ever walk into a room and forget why you walked in?  I think
-that's how dogs spend their lives.
-		-- Sue Murphy
-%
-Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
-%
-Dogs just don't seem to be able to tell the difference between important people
-and the rest of us.
-%
-Everyone *knows* cats are on a higher level of existence.  These silly humans
-are just to big-headed to admit their inferiority.
-	Just think what a nicer world this would be if it were controlled by
-cats.
-	You wouldn't see cats having waste disposal problems.
-	They're neat.
-	They don't have sexual hangups.  A cat gets horny, it does something
-about it.
-	They keep reasonable hours.  You *never* see a cat up before noon.
-	They know how to relax.  Ever heard of a cat with an ulcer?  
-	What are the chances of a cat starting a nuclear war?  Pretty neglible.
-It's not that they can't, they just know that there are much better things to
-do with ones time.  Like lie in the sun and sleep.  Or go exploring the world.
-%
-For a man to truly understand rejection, he must first be ignored by a cat.
-%
-Hi!  You have reached 555-0129. None of us are here to answer the phone and
-the cat doesn't have opposing thumbs, so his messages are illegible.  Please
-leave your name and message after the beep...
-%
-I loathe people who keep dogs.  They are cowards who haven't got the guts
-to bite people themselves.
-		-- August Strindberg
-%
-I love dogs, but I hate Chihuahuas.  A Chihuahua isn't a dog.  It's a rat
-with a thyroid problem.
-%
-If a can of Alpo costs 38 cents, would it cost $2.50 in Dog Dollars?
-%
-If anyone has seen my dog, please contact me at x2883 as soon as possible.
-We're offering a substantial reward.  He's a sable collie, with three legs,
-blind in his left eye, is missing part of his right ear and the tip of his
-tail.  He's been recently fixed.  Answers to "Lucky".
-%
-If you are a police dog, where's your badge?
-		-- Question James Thurber used to drive his German Shepherd
-		   crazy.
-%
-"If you don't want your dog to have bad breath, do what I do:  Pour a little
-Lavoris in the toilet."
-		-- Jay Leno
-%
-If you have received a letter inviting you to speak at the dedication of a
-new cat hospital, and you hate cats, your reply, declining the invitation,
-does not necessarily have to cover the full range of your emotions.  You must
-make it clear that you will not attend, but you do not have to let fly at cats.
-The writer of the letter asked a civil question; attack cats, then, only if
-you can do so with good humor, good taste, and in such a way that your answer
-will be courteous as well as responsive.  Since you are out of sympathy with
-cats, you may quite properly give this as a reason for not appearing at the
-dedication ceremonies of a cat hospital.  But bear in mind that your opinion
-of cats was not sought, only your services as a speaker.  Try to keep things
-straight.
-		-- Strunk and White, "The Elements of Style"
-%
-In the eyes of my dog, I'm a man.
-		-- Martin Mull
-%
-It is not a good omen when goldfish commit suicide.
-%
-It was Penguin lust... at its ugliest.
-%
-It's no use crying over spilt milk -- it only makes it salty for the cat.
-%
-Lost: gray and white female cat.  Answers to electric can opener.
-%
-Never try to outstubborn a cat.
-		-- Lazarus Long, "Time Enough for Love"
-%
-No animal should ever jump on the dining room furniture unless
-absolutely certain he can hold his own in conversation.
-		-- Fran Lebowitz
-%
-No one can feel as helpless as the owner of a sick goldfish.
-%
-PENGUINICITY!!
-%
-Raising pet electric eels is gaining a lot of current popularity.
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-"Shelter," what a nice name for for a place where you polish your cat.
-%
-Some books are to be tasted, others to be swallowed, and some few to be
-chewed and digested.
-		-- Francis Bacon
-	[As anyone who has ever owned a puppy already knows.  Ed.]
-%
-Sometimes when I get up in the morning, I feel very peculiar.  I feel
-like I've just got to bite a cat!  I feel like if I don't bite a cat
-before sundown, I'll go crazy!  But then I just take a deep breath and
-forget about it.  That's what is known as real maturity.
-		-- Snoopy
-%
-Speaking of purchasing a dog, never buy a watchdog that's on sale.
-After all, everyone knows a bargain dog never bites!
-%
-The difference between dogs and cats is that dogs come when they're
-called.  Cats take a message and get back to you.
-%
-The main problem I have with cats is, they're not dogs.
-		-- Kevin Cowherd
-%
-The only time a dog gets complimented is when he doesn't do anything.
-		-- C. Schulz
-%
-There are many intelligent species in the universe, and they all own cats.
-%
-There's no use in having a dog and doing your own barking.
-%
-To err is human,
-To purr feline.
-		-- Robert Byrne
-%
-When man calls an animal "vicious", he usually means that it will attempt
-to defend itself when he tries to kill it.
-%
-When the fog came in on little cat feet last night, it left these little
-muddy paw prints on the hood of my car.
-%
-Who loves me will also love my dog.
-		-- John Donne
-%
-With a rubber duck, one's never alone.
-		-- "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy"
-%