fortune-teller 0.1.2 → 0.3.0

package/fortunes/news

@@ -1,260 +0,0 @@
-A help wanted add for a photo journalist asked the rhetorical question:
-
-If you found yourself in a situation where you could either save
-a drowning man, or you could take a Pulitzer prize winning
-photograph of him drowning, what shutter speed and setting would you use?
-		-- Paul Harvey
-%
-A Hen Brooding Kittens
-	A friend informs us that he saw at the Novato ranch, Marin county,
-a few days since, a hen actually brooding and otherwise caring for three
-kittens!  The gentleman upon whose premises this strange event is transpiring
-says the hen adopted the kittens when they were but a few days old, and that
-she has devoted them her undivided care for several weeks past.  The young
-felines are now of respectable size, but they nevertheless follow the hen at
-her cluckings, and are regularly brooded at night beneath her wings.
-		-- Sacramento Daily Union, July 2, 1861
-%
-	A journalist, thrilled over his dinner, asked the chef for the recipe.
-Retorted the chef, "Sorry, we have the same policy as you journalists, we
-never reveal our sauce."
-%
-A Mexican newspaper reports that bored Royal Air Force pilots stationed
-on the Falkland Islands have devised what they consider a marvelous new
-game.  Noting that the local penguins are fascinated by airplanes, the
-pilots search out a beach where the birds are gathered and fly slowly
-along it at the water's edge.  Perhaps ten thousand penguins turn their
-heads in unison watching the planes go by, and when the pilots turn
-around and fly back, the birds turn their heads in the opposite
-direction, like spectators at a slow-motion tennis match.  Then, the
-paper reports "The pilots fly out to sea and directly to the penguin
-colony and overfly it.  Heads go up, up, up, and ten thousand penguins
-fall over gently onto their backs.
-		-- Audobon Society Magazine
-%
-A New Way of Taking Pills
-	A physician one night in Wisconsin being disturbed by a burglar, and
-having no ball or shot for his pistol, noiselessly loaded the weapon with
-small, hard pills, and gave the intruder a "prescription" which he thinks
-will go far towards curing the rascal of a very bad ailment.
-		-- Nevada Morning Transcript, January 30, 1861
-%
-A newspaper is a circulating library with high blood pressure.
-		-- Arthure "Bugs" Baer
-%
-A prominent broadcaster, on a big-game safari in Africa, was taken to a
-watering hole where the life of the jungle could be observed. As he
-looked down from his tree platform and described the scene into his
-tape recorder, he saw two gnus grazing peacefully. So preoccupied were
-they that they failed to observe the approach of a pride of lions led
-by two magnificent specimens, obviously the leaders. The lions charged,
-killed the gnus, and dragged them into the bushes where their feasting
-could not be seen.  A little while later the two kings of the jungle
-emerged and the radioman recorded on his tape: "Well, that's the end of
-the gnus and here, once again, are the head lions."
-%
-"A raccoon tangled with a 23,000 volt line today.  The results blacked
-out 1400 homes and, of course, one raccoon."
-		-- Steel City News
-%
-A young girl once committed suicide because her mother refused her a new
-bonnet.  Coroner's verdict: "Death from excessive spunk."
-		-- Sacramento Daily Union, September 13, 1860
-%
-Advertisements contain the only truths to be relied on in a newspaper.
-		-- Thomas Jefferson
-%
-After two or three weeks of this madness, you begin to feel As One with
-the man who said, "No news is good news." In twenty-eight papers, only
-the rarest kind of luck will turn up more than two or three articles of
-any interest...  but even then the interest items are usually buried deep
-around paragraph 16 on the jump (or "Cont.  on ...") page...
-
-The Post will have a story about Muskie making a speech in Iowa.  The
-Star will say the same thing, and the Journal will say nothing at all.
-But the Times might have enough room on the jump page to include a line
-or so that says something like: "When he finished his speech, Muskie
-burst into tears and seized his campaign manager by the side of the neck.
-They grappled briefly, but the struggle was kicked apart by an oriental
-woman who seemed to be in control."
-
-Now that's good journalism.  Totally objective; very active and straight
-to the point.
-		-- Hunter S. Thompson, "Fear and Loathing '72"
-%
-All newspaper editorial writers ever do is come down from the hills after
-the battle is over and shoot the wounded.
-%
-An editor is one who separates the wheat from the chaff and prints the chaff.
-		-- Adlai Stevenson
-%
-"... And remember: if you don't like the news, go out and make some of
-your own."
-        	-- "Scoop" Nisker, KFOG radio reporter Preposterous Words
-%
-And that's the way it is...
-		-- Walter Cronkite
-%
-Earth Destroyed by Solar Flare -- film clips at eleven.
-%
-Every journalist has a novel in him, which is an excellent place for it.
-%
-Everything you read in newspapers is absolutely true, except for that
-rare story of which you happen to have first-hand knowledge.
-		-- Erwin Knoll
-%
-FLASH!
-Intelligence of mankind decreasing.
-Details at ... uh, when the little hand is on the ....
-%
-... Had this been an actual emergency, we would have fled in terror,
-and you would not have been informed.
-%
-I only know what I read in the papers.
-		-- Will Rogers
-%
-I read the newspaper avidly.  It is my one form of continuous fiction.
-		-- Aneurin Bevan
-%
-I really look with commiseration over the great body of my fellow citizens
-who, reading newspapers, live and die in the belief that they have known
-something of what has been passing in their time.
-		-- H. Truman
-%
-If I were to walk on water, the press would say I'm only doing it
-because I can't swim.
-		-- Bob Stanfield
-%
-If you lose your temper at a newspaper columnist, he'll get rich, 
-or famous or both.
-%
-In a medium in which a News Piece takes a minute and an "In-Depth"
-Piece takes two minutes, the Simple will drive out the Complex.
-		-- Frank Mankiewicz
-%
-Isn't it conceivable to you that an intelligent person could harbor
-two opposing ideas in his mind?
-		-- Adlai Stevenson, to reporters
-%
-Its failings notwithstanding, there is much to be said in favor of journalism
-in that by giving us the opinion of the uneducated, it keeps us in touch with
-the ignorance of the community.
-		-- Oscar Wilde
-%
-Journalism is literature in a hurry.
-		-- Matthew Arnold
-%
-Journalism will kill you, but it will keep you alive while you're at it.
-%
-Most rock journalism is people who can't write interviewing people who
-can't talk for people who can't read.
-		-- Frank Zappa
-%
-My father was a God-fearing man, but he never missed a copy of the
-New York Times, either.
-		-- E.B. White
-%
-Never offend people with style when you can offend them with substance.
-		-- Sam Brown, "The Washington Post", January 26, 1977
-%
-			*** NEWSFLASH ***
-
-Russian tanks steamrolling through New Jersey!!!!  Details at eleven!
-%
-"No self-respecting fish would want to be wrapped in that kind of paper."
-		-- Mike Royko on the Chicago Sun-Times after it was
-		   taken over by Rupert Murdoch
-%
-Of what you see in books, believe 75%.  Of newspapers, believe 50%.  And of
-TV news, believe 25% -- make that 5% if the anchorman wears a blazer.
-%
-		Once Again From the Top
-
-Correction notice in the Miami Herald: "Last Sunday, The Herald erroneously
-reported that original Dolphin Johnny Holmes had been an insurance salesman
-in Raleigh, North Carolina, that he had won the New York lottery in 1982 and
-lost the money in a land swindle, that he had been charged with vehicular
-homicide, but acquitted because his mother said she drove the car, and that
-he stated that the funniest thing he ever saw was Flipper spouting water on
-George Wilson.  Each of these items was erroneous material published
-inadvertently.  He was not an insurance salesman in Raleigh, did not win the
-lottery, neither he nor his mother was charged or involved in any way with
-vehicular homicide, and he made no comment about Flipper or George Wilson.
-The Herald regrets the errors."
-		-- "The Progressive", March, 1987
-%
-One of the signs of Napoleon's greatness is the fact that he once had a
-publisher shot.
-		-- Siegfried Unseld
-%
-People who are funny and smart and return phone calls get much better
-press than people who are just funny and smart.
-		-- Howard Simons, "The Washington Post"
-%
-Photographing a volcano is just about the most miserable thing you can do.
-		-- Robert B. Goodman
-	[Who has clearly never tried to use a PDP-10.  Ed.]
-%
-	Reporters like Bill Greider from the Washington Post and Him
-Naughton of the New York Times, for instance, had to file long, detailed,
-and relatively complex stories every day -- while my own deadline fell
-every two weeks -- but neither of them ever seemed in a hurry about
-getting their work done, and from time to time they would try to console
-me about the terrible pressure I always seemed to be laboring under.
-	Any $100-an-hour psychiatrist could probably explain this problem
-to me, in thirteen or fourteen sessions, but I don't have time for that.
-No doubt it has something to do with a deep-seated personality defect, or
-maybe a kink in whatever blood vessel leads into the pineal gland...  On
-the other hand, it might be something as simple & basically perverse as
-whatever instinct it is that causes a jackrabbit to wait until the last
-possible second to dart across the road in front of a speeding car.
-		-- Hunter S. Thompson, "Fear and Loathing on the Campaign Trail"
-%
-The advertisement is the most truthful part of a newspaper.
-		-- Thomas Jefferson
-%
-The American Dental Association announced today that most plaque tends
-to form on teeth around 4:00 PM in the afternoon.
-
-Film at 11:00.
-%
-The most important service rendered by the press is that of educating
-people to approach printed matter with distrust. 
-%
-"The New York Times is read by the people who run the country.  The
-Washington Post is read by the people who think they run the country. The
-National Enquirer is read by the people who think Elvis is alive and running
-the country ..."
-		-- Robert J Woodhead
-%
-The only qualities for real success in journalism are ratlike cunning, a
-plausible manner and a little literary ability.  The capacity to steal
-other people's ideas and phrases ... is also invaluable.
-		-- Nicolas Tomalin, "Stop the Press, I Want to Get On"
-%
-The world really isn't any worse.  It's just that the news coverage
-is so much better.
-%
-	"Then you admit confirming not denying you ever said that?"
-	"NO! ... I mean Yes!  WHAT?"
-	"I'll put `maybe.'"
-		-- Bloom County
-%
-This is a test of the emergency broadcast system.  Had there been an
-actual emergency, then you would no longer be here.
-%
-This is a test of the Emergency Broadcast System.  If this had been an
-actual emergency, do you really think we'd stick around to tell you?
-%
-This life is a test.  It is only a test.  Had this been an actual life, you
-would have received further instructions as to what to do and where to go.
-%
-Warning: Listening to WXRT on April Fools' Day is not recommended for
-those who are slightly disoriented the first few hours after waking up.
-		-- Chicago Reader 4/22/83
-%
-You know the great thing about TV?  If something important happens
-anywhere at all in the world, no matter what time of the day or night,
-you can always change the channel.
-		-- Jim Ignatowski
-%

package/fortunes/off/Makefile

@@ -1,32 +0,0 @@
-
-OCOOKIES_UNROTATED=drugs misandry privates sex astrology ethnic \
-	miscellaneous racism songs-poems black-humor hphobia misogyny \
-	religion vulgarity definitions limerick politics riddles        
-
-OCOOKIES_ROTATED=
-
-OCOOKIES=$(OCOOKIES_UNROTATED) $(OCOOKIES_ROTATED)
-
-STRFILE=../../util/strfile
-ROT=../../util/rot
-
-
-all:	ocookies-stamp
-
-ocookies-stamp:	rotated-stamp
-	rm -f *.dat
-	for i in $(OCOOKIES) ; do $(STRFILE) -x $$i || exit $$? ; done
-	touch ocookies-stamp
-
-rotated-stamp:
-	for i in $(OCOOKIES_UNROTATED) ; \
-	    do $(ROT) < unrotated/$$i > $$i || exit $$? ; done
-	touch rotated-stamp
-
-install:
-	install -m 0755 -d $(OCOOKIEDIR)
-	for i in $(OCOOKIES) ; \
-	    do install -m 0644 $$i $$i.dat $(OCOOKIEDIR) || exit $$? ; done
-
-clean:
-	rm -f ocookies-stamp rotated-stamp *.dat $(OCOOKIES_UNROTATED)

package/fortunes/off/unrotated/astrology

@@ -1,289 +0,0 @@
-AQUARIUS (Jan. 20 - Feb. 18)
-	A friend will step forward and confide in you about your breath.  Rely
-	on your outgoing personality and winning smile to get you into a lot
-	of trouble.  Be relaxed, things will change.  Look for a pink slip on
-	payday.  Stop wetting your bed.
-%
-AQUARIUS (Jan. 20 - Feb. 18)
-	You are the type of person who never has enough money to do what
-	you want.  Don't expect things to get any better today, either.
-	As a matter of fact they might get worse.  Intensify your
-	relationship with your bank and any friends you have who might be
-	able to lend you a few bucks.
-%
-AQUARIUS (Jan. 20 - Feb. 18)
-	You have an inventive mind and are inclined to be progressive.
-	You lie a great deal.  On the other hand, you are inclined to be
-	careless and impractical, causing you to make the same mistakes over
-	and over again.  People think you are stupid.
-%
-ARIES (Mar. 21 - Apr. 19)
-	Be cheerful today. People who don't like you will outnumber those
-	who do.  You have warts.  Focus on domestic status, financial matters,
-	and venereal disease.  Look for involvement with Libra or Aquarius
-	natives; probably a fistfight with one of each.
-%
-ARIES (Mar. 21 - Apr. 19)
-	You are a wonderfully interesting, honest, hard-working person
-	and you should make many new friends, but you won't because you've
-	got a mean streak in you a mile wide.
-%
-ARIES (Mar. 21 - Apr. 19)
-	You are the pioneer type and hold most people in contempt.  You
-	are quick tempered, impatient, and scornful of advice.  You are
-	not very nice.
-%
-Astrology... just a bunch of Taurus.
-%
-CANCER (June 21 - July 22)
-	This is a good time for those of you who are rich and happy,
-	but a poor time for those of you born under this sign who are
-	poor and unhappy.  To tell you the truth, any day is tough
-	when you're poor and unhappy.
-%
-CANCER (June 21 - July 22)
-	You are sympathetic and understanding to other people's problems.
-	They think you are a sucker.  You are always putting things off.
-	That's why you'll never make anything of yourself.  Most welfare
-	recipients are Cancer people.
-%
-CAPRICORN (Dec. 22 - Jan. 19)
-	Follow your instincts.  You are much too scatterbrained to do anything
-	else, such as think.  Romance is in the air, but not for you, so forget
-	it.  That pimple on the end of your nose will get worse.
-%
-CAPRICORN (Dec. 22 - Jan. 19)
-	Play your hunches.  This is a day when luck will play an important
-	part in your life.  If you were smarter, you wouldn't need so much
-	luck and you wouldn't be reading your horoscope, either.  You are
-	a suspicious person, and it will occur to you that astrologers
-	don't know what they're talking about any more than your Aunt Martha.
-%
-CAPRICORN (Dec. 22 - Jan. 19)
-	You are conservative and afraid of taking risks.  You don't do
-	much of anything and are lazy.  There has never been a Capricorn
-	of any importance.  Capricorns should avoid standing still for
-	too long as they tend to take root and become trees.
-%
-GEMINI (May 21 - June 20)
-	A day to take the initiative.  Put the garbage out, for
-	instance, and pick up the stuff at the dry cleaners.  Watch
-	the mail carefully, although there won't be anything good
-	in it today, either.
-%
-GEMINI (May 21 - June 20)
-	Good news and bad news highlighted.  Enjoy the good news while you
-	can; the bad news will make you forget it.  You will enjoy praise
-	and respect from those around you; everybody loves a sucker.  A short
-	trip is in the stars, possibly to the men's room.
-%
-GEMINI (May 21 - June 20)
-	You are a quick and intelligent thinker.  People like you because
-	you are bisexual.  However, you are inclined to expect too much
-	for too little.  This means you are cheap.  Geminis are known for
-	committing incest.
-%
-I do not take drugs -- I am drugs.
-		-- Salvador Dali
-%
-LEO (Jul. 23 - Aug. 22)
-	You consider yourself a born leader.  Others think you are pushy.
-	Most Leo people are bullies.  You are vain and dislike honest
-	criticism.  Your arrogance is disgusting.  Leo people are thieves.
-%
-LEO (Jul. 23 - Aug. 22)
-	Your determination and sense of humor will come to the fore.  Your
-	ability to laugh at adversity will be a blessing because you've got
-	a day coming you wouldn't believe.  As a matter of fact, if you can
-	laugh at what happens to you today, you've got a sick sense of humor.
-%
-LEO (Jul. 23 - Aug. 22)
-	Your presence, poise, charm and good looks won't even help you today.
-	Look over your shoulder; an ugly person may be following you.  Be on
-	your toes.  Brush your teeth.  Take Geritol.
-%
-LIBRA (Sept. 23 - Oct. 22)
-	Major achievements, new friends, and a previously unexplored way
-	to make a lot of money will come to a lot of people today, but
-	unfortunately you won't be one of them.  Consider not getting out
-	of bed today.
-%
-LIBRA (Sept. 23 - Oct. 22)
-	You are the artistic type and have a difficult time with reality.
-	If you are a man, you are more than likely gay.  Chances for
-	employment and monetary gains are excellent.  Most Libra women
-	are prostitutes.  All Libra people die of venereal disease.
-%
-LIBRA (Sept. 23 - Oct. 22)
-	Your desire for justice and truth will be overshadowed by your
-	desire for filthy lucre and a decent meal.  Be gracious and
-	polite.  Someone is watching you, so stop staring like that.
-%
-PISCES (Feb. 19 - Mar. 20)
-	Take the high road, look for the good things, carry the American
-	Express card and a weapon.  The world is yours today, as nobody
-	else wants it.  Your mortgage will be foreclosed.  You will probably
-	get run over by a bus.
-%
-PISCES (Feb. 19 - Mar. 20)
-	You have a vivid imagination and often think you are being followed
-	by the CIA or FBI.  You have minor influence over your associates
-	and people resent your flaunting of your power.  You lack confidence
-	and you are generally a coward.  Pisces people do terrible things to
-	small animals.
-%
-PISCES (Feb. 19 - Mar. 20)
-	You will get some very interesting news of a promotion today. It
-	will go to someone in the office you dislike and will be the job
-	you wanted.  Don't lend anyone a car today.  You don't have a car.
-%
-SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22 - Dec. 21)
-	Move slowly today, be deliberate.  Indications are for bleeding
-	ulcers.  Drink milk.  Try not to be your usual offensive and
-	obnoxious self.  Call your mother.
-%
-SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22 - Dec. 21)
-	You are optimistic and enthusiastic.  You have a reckless
-	tendency to rely on luck since you lack talent.  The majority
-	of Sagittarians are drunks or dope fiends or both.  People
-	laugh at you a great deal.
-%
-SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22 - Dec. 21)
-	Your efforts to help a little old lady cross a street will
-	backfire when you learn that she was waiting for a bus.  Subdue
-	impulse you have to push her out into traffic.
-%
-SCORPIO (Oct. 23 - Nov 21.)
-	You are shrewd in business and cannot be trusted.  You will
-	achieve the pinnacle of success because of your total lack of
-	ethics.  Most Scorpio people are murdered.
-%
-SCORPIO (Oct. 23 - Nov. 21)
-	Friends abound today, seeking repayment of past loans.  Smile.  Check
-	for concealed weapons.  Your natural cheerfulness makes others want
-	to throw up.  Knock it off.
-%
-SCORPIO (Oct. 23 - Nov. 21)
-	You will receive word today that you are eligible to win a million
-	dollars in prizes.  It will be from a magazine trying to get you to
-	subscribe, and you're just dumb enough to think you've got a chance
-	to win.  You never learn.
-%
-TAURUS (Apr. 20 - May 20)
-	Let your self-confidence and determination shine, and people will
-	find you boorish and headstrong.  Travel, promotion, and romance
-	highlighted, if you live long enough.  Don't take any wooden nickels.
-%
-TAURUS (Apr. 20 - May 20)
-	Take advantage of this opportunity to get a little extra sleep,
-	because you're going to miss the bus again today anyway.  You will
-	decide to lose weight today, just like yesterday.
-%
-TAURUS (Apr. 20 - May 20)
-	You are practical and persistent.  You have a dogged determination
-	and work like hell.  Most people think you are stubborn and bull
-	headed.  You are a Communist.
-%
-Those who believe in astrology are living in houses with foundations of
-Silly Putty.
-		-- Dennis Rawlins
-%
-VIRGO (Aug. 23 - Sep. 22)
-	Get it in writing.  Be careful.  You are surrounded by lechers and
-	assholes; birds of a feather flock together.  Trust no one.  People
-	will not be offended, because they've come to recognize you for the
-	paranoid neurotic that you are.  Your dentures are loose.
-%
-VIRGO (Aug. 23 - Sept. 22)
-	Learn something new today, like how to spell or how to count
-	to ten without using your fingers.  Be careful dressing this
-	morning.  You may be hit by a car later in the day and you
-	wouldn't want to be taken to the doctor's office in some of
-	that old underwear you own.
-%
-VIRGO (Aug. 23 - Sept. 22)
-	You are the logical type and hate disorder.  This nitpicking is
-	sickening to your friends.  You are cold and unemotional and
-	sometimes fall asleep while making love.  Virgos make good bus
-	drivers.
-%
-YOUR FOAMY FUTURE
-	by Miss Fortune
-
-AQUARIUS (Jan. 20 - Feb. 18)
-	You have nothing better to think about than what to wear and what
-	type of champagne to take to the neighbors Halloween Party.  Just take
-	beer!  Don't try to copy the "Joneses", pull them up to your level and
-	remember, in California Hoalloween is redundant anyhow.
-
-PISCES (Feb. 19 - Mar. 20)
-	Focus on strengthening friendships this Fall.  You find others are
-	fascinated by your intelligence, your wit, your drinking ability, and
-	your bank account.  Just make sure you realize it's far more impressive
-	when other discover your good qualities without your help.
-%
-YOUR FOAMY FUTURE
-	by Miss Fortune
-
-ARIES (Mar. 21 - Apr. 19)
-	Matters are not good, where you health is concerned.  This Fall, be
-	sure to "walk groundly, talk profoundly, drink roundly, and sleep
-	soundly" and you will live all the days of your life.
-
-TAURUS (Apr. 20 - May 20)
-	You spent a fortune on beer this past summer and now find yourself
-	in a deep depression because you can't afford even one of your favorite
-	brewskis.  Don't fret too much, Taurus.  To get back on your feet
-	simply miss two car payments.
-
-GEMINI (May 21 - June 21)
-	You think you're falling in love with a person who has a lot in
-	common with yourself.  You both prefer ales, you've both tried your
-	hand at homebrewing, and you both want to visit every new brewpub that
-	opens.  Sounds impressive but remember you really don't know your
-	partner until you meet in court.
-%
-YOUR FOAMY FUTURE
-	by Miss Fortune
-
-CANCER (June 22 - July 22)
-	You've been awarded a clean bill of health this month and you feel you
-	owe it all to the excessive amount of Vitamin B, Iron, and Malt you get
-	in your beer.  Being healthy is admirable but don't you think you're
-	going to feel stupid one day lying in a hospital dying of nothing?
-
-LEO (July 23 - Aug. 22)
-	You will soon acquire a large sum of money and will be in seventh
-	heaven as you head to the nearest Liquor Barn and buy all the beer they
-	have in stock.  Whoever said money couldn't buy happiness didn't know
-	where to shop.
-
-VIRGO (Aug. 23 - Sept. 22)
-	Your late night, beer drinking, "life in the fast lane" parties are
-	affecting your job production the next morning.  You feel a nine to
-	five job is not for a "party animal" such as yourself and may feel
-	the need for a career change.  Just remember, people who work sitting
-	down get paid more than people who work standing up.
-%
-YOUR FOAMY FUTURE
-	by Miss Fortune
-
-SCORPIO (Oct. 24 - Nov. 21)
-	"Hard work never killed anybody, but why take the chance?" is your
-	motto.  You don't do much other than sleep, eat, down brewskis, and
-	watch TV.  Your friends and family are constantly pestering you to
-	clean up your act.  But it's OK, Scorpio.  A kick in the ass is at
-	least one step forward.
-
-SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22 - Dec. 21)
-	You've been on a diet for two weeks and all you've lost is two weeks.
-	My advice is to drink copius amounts of beer just to get the thought
-	of food out of your mind.  Remember, a good reducing exercise consists
-	of placing both hands against the table edge and pushing back.
-
-CAPRICORN (Dec. 22 - Jan. 19)
-	Remember that day you had one beer too many and did something
-	extremely foolish?  Now your friends are coming and going and your
-	enemies accumulating.  Cheer up!  All is not lost.  It's better to
-	be hated for what you are than loved for what you're not.
-%