fortune-teller 0.1.0 → 0.3.0

package/fortunes/drugs

@@ -1,1155 +0,0 @@
-1/2 oz. gin
-1/2 oz. vodka
-1/2 oz. rum (preferably dark)
-3/4 oz. tequilla
-1/2 oz. triple sec
-1/2 oz. orange juice
-3/4 oz. sour mix
-1/2 oz. cola
-shake with ice and strain into frosted glass.
-		Long Island Iced Tea
-%
-6 oz. orange juice
-1 oz. vodka
-1/2 oz. Galliano
-		Harvey Wallbangers
-%
-A beer delayed is a beer denied.
-%
-A couple more shots of whiskey, women 'round here start looking good.
-
-		[something about a 10 being a 4 after a six-pack?  Ed.]
-%
-A guy walks into a bar, orders a beer, carries it to the bathroom and dumps it
-into a urinal.  Over the course of the next few hours, he goes back to the bar
-and repeats this sequence -- several times.  Finally the bartender got so
-curious that he leaned over the bar and asked him what he was doing.
-
-Replied the customer, "Avoiding the middleman."
-%
-A prohibitionist is the sort of man one wouldn't care to drink with
--- even if he drank.
-		-- H.L. Mencken
-%
-Absinthe makes the tart grow fonder.
-%
-Alcohol is the anesthesia by which we endure the operation of life.
-		-- George Bernard Shaw
-%
-Alcohol, hashish, prussic acid, strychnine are weak dilutions. The surest
-poison is time.
-		-- Emerson, "Society and Solitude"
-%
-Alcoholics Anonymous is when you get to drink under someone else's name.
-%
-Always store beer in a dark place.
-		-- Lazarus Long
-%
-An alcoholic is someone you don't like who drinks as much as you do.
-		-- Dylan Thomas
-%
-And you can't get any Watney's Red Barrel,
-because the bars close every time you're thirsty...
-%
-... at least I thought I was dancing, 'til somebody stepped on my hand.
-		-- J. B. White
-%
-Be wary of strong drink.  It can make you shoot at tax collectors and miss.
-		-- Lazarus Long, "Time Enough for Love"
-%
-Because the wine remembers.
-%
-Beer & Pretzels -- Breakfast of Champions.
-%
-Beer -- it's not just for breakfast anymore.
-%
-Beggar to well-dressed businessman:
-	"Could you spare $20.95 for a fifth of Chivas?"
-%
-Best Beer: A panel of tasters assembled by the Consumer's Union in 1969
-judged Coors and Miller's High Life to be among the very best. Those who
-doubt that beer is a serious subject might ponder its effect on American
-history. For example, New England's first colonists decided to drop anchor
-at Plymouth Rock instead of continuing on to Virginia because, as one of
-them put it, "We could not now take time for further consideration, our
-victuals being spent and especially our beer."
-	-- Felton & Fowler's Best, Worst & Most Unusual
-%
-Booze is the answer.  I don't remember the question.
-%
-Brandy-and-water spoils two good things.
-		-- Charles Lamb
-%
-But, officer, he's not drunk, I just saw his fingers twitch!
-%
-Cerebus:	I'd love to lick apricot brandy out of your navel.
-Jaka:		Look, Cerebus-- Jaka has to tell you ... something
-Cerebus:	If Cerebus had a navel, would you lick apricot brandy out of it?
-Jaka:		Ugh!
-Cerebus:	You don't like apricot brandy?
-		-- Cerebus #6, "The Secret"
-%
-Claret is the liquor for boys; port for men; but he who aspires to be a hero
-... must drink brandy.
-		-- Samuel Johnson
-%
-Climbing onto a bar stool, a piece of string asked for a beer.
-	"Wait a minute.  Aren't you a string?"
-	"Well, yes, I am."
-	"Sorry.  We don't serve strings here."
-	The determined string left the bar and stopped a passer-by.  "Excuse,
-me," it said, "would you shred my ends and tie me up like a pretzel?"  The
-passer-by obliged, and the string re-entered the bar.  "May I have a beer,
-please?" it asked the bartender.
-	The barkeep set a beer in front of the string, then suddenly stopped.
-"Hey, aren't you the string I just threw out of here?"
-	"No, I'm a frayed knot."
-%
-Coach: Can I draw you a beer, Norm?
-Norm:  No, I know what they look like.  Just pour me one.
-		-- Cheers, No Help Wanted
-
-Coach: How about a beer, Norm?
-Norm:  Hey I'm high on life, Coach.  Of course, beer is my life.
-		-- Cheers, No Help Wanted
-
-Coach: How's a beer sound, Norm?
-Norm:  I dunno.  I usually finish them before they get a word in.
-		-- Cheers, Fortune and Men's Weights
-%
-Coach: How's it going, Norm?
-Norm:  Daddy's rich and Momma's good lookin'.
-		-- Cheers, Truce or Consequences
-
-Sam:   What's up, Norm?
-Norm:  My nipples.  It's freezing out there.
-		-- Cheers, Coach Returns to Action
-
-Coach: What's the story, Norm?
-Norm:  Thirsty guy walks into a bar.  You finish it.
-		-- Cheers, Endless Slumper
-%
-Coach: What would you say to a beer, Normie?
-Norm:  Daddy wuvs you.
-		-- Cheers, The Mail Goes to Jail
-
-Sam:  What'd you like, Normie?
-Norm: A reason to live.  Gimme another beer.
-		-- Cheers, Behind Every Great Man
-
-Sam:  What will you have, Norm?
-Norm: Well, I'm in a gambling mood, Sammy.  I'll take a glass of whatever
-      comes out of that tap.
-Sam:  Oh, looks like beer, Norm.
-Norm: Call me Mister Lucky.
-		-- Cheers, The Executive's Executioner
-%
-Coach: What's up, Norm?
-Norm:  Corners of my mouth, Coach.
-		-- Cheers, Fortune and Men's Weights
-
-Coach:  What's shaking, Norm?
-Norm:   All four cheeks and a couple of chins, Coach.
-		-- Cheers, Snow Job
-
-Coach:  Beer, Normie?
-Norm:   Uh, Coach, I dunno, I had one this week.  Eh, why not, I'm still young.
-		-- Cheers, Snow Job
-%
-Come quickly, I am tasting stars!
-		-- Dom Perignon, upon discovering champagne.
-%
-Come, landlord, fill the flowing bowl until it does run over,
-Tonight we will all merry be -- tomorrow we'll get sober.
-		-- John Fletcher, "The Bloody Brother", II, 2
-%
-Don't drink when you drive -- you might hit a bump and spill it.
-%
-Don't smoke the next cigarette.  Repeat.
-%
-Drink Canada Dry!  You might not succeed, but it *__is* fun trying.
-%
-Drinking coffee for instant relaxation?  That's like drinking alcohol for
-instant motor skills.
-		-- Marc Price
-%
-Drinking is not a spectator sport.
-		-- Jim Brosnan
-%
-Drinking makes such fools of people, and people are such fools to begin
-with, that it's compounding a felony.
-		-- Robert Benchley
-%
-Drunks are rarely amusing unless they know some good songs and lose a
-lot a poker.
-		-- Karyl Roosevelt
-%
-Eggnog is a traditional holiday drink invented by the English.  Many
-people wonder where the word "eggnog" comes from.  The first syllable
-comes from the English word "egg", meaning "egg".  I don't know where
-the "nog" comes from.
-
-To make eggnog, you'll need rum, whiskey, wine gin and, if they are in
-season, eggs...
-%
-ELECTRIC JELL-O
-
-2   boxes JELL-O brand gelatin	2 packages Knox brand unflavored gelatin
-2   cups fruit (any variety)	2+ cups water
-1/2 bottle Everclear brand grain alcohol
-
-Mix JELL-O and Knox gelatin into 2 cups of boiling water.  Stir 'til
-	fully dissolved.
-Pour hot mixture into a flat pan.  (JELL-O molds won't work.)
-Stir in grain alcohol instead of usual cold water.  Remove any congealing
-	glops of slime. (Alcohol has an unusual effect on excess JELL-O.)
-Pour in fruit to desired taste, and to absorb any excess alcohol.
-Mix in some cold water to dilute the alcohol and make it easier to eat for
-	the faint of heart.
-Refrigerate overnight to allow mixture to fully harden. (About 8-12 hours.)
-Cut into squares and enjoy!
-
-WARNING:
-	Keep ingredients away from open flame.  Not recommended for
-	children under eight years of age.
-%
-Every morning is a Smirnoff morning.
-%
-Excellent day for drinking heavily.  Spike the office water cooler.
-%
-	Festivity Level 1: Your guests are chatting amiably with each
-other, admiring your Christmas-tree ornaments, singing carols around
-the upright piano, sipping at their drinks and nibbling hors d'oeuvres.
-
-	Festivity Level 2: Your guests are talking loudly -- sometimes
-to each other, and sometimes to nobody at all, rearranging your
-Christmas-tree ornaments, singing "I Gotta Be Me" around the upright
-piano, gulping their drinks and wolfing down hors d'oeuvres.
-
-	Festivity Level 3: Your guests are arguing violently with
-inanimate objects, singing "I can't get no satisfaction," gulping down
-other peoples' drinks, wolfing down Christmas tree ornaments and
-placing hors d'oeuvres in the upright piano to see what happens when
-the little hammers strike.
-
-	Festivity Level 4: Your guests, hors d'oeuvres smeared all over
-their naked bodies are performing a ritual dance around the burning
-Christmas tree.  The piano is missing.
-
-	You want to keep your party somewhere around level 3, unless
-you rent your home and own Firearms, in which case you can go to level
-4.  The best way to get to level 3 is egg-nog.
-%
-Fishing, with me, has always been an excuse to drink in the daytime.
-		-- Jimmy Cannon
-%
-Fortune finishes the great quotations, #17
-
-	"This bud of love, by summer's ripening breath,
-	May prove a beauteous flower when next we meet."
-	Juliet, this bud's for you.
-%
-FORTUNE'S FAVORITE RECIPES: #8
-	Christmas Rum Cake
-
-1 or 2 quarts rum		1 tbsp. baking powder
-1 cup butter			1 tsp. soda
-1 tsp. sugar			1 tbsp. lemon juice
-2 large eggs			2 cups brown sugar
-2 cups dried assorted fruit	3 cups chopped English walnuts
-
-Before you start, sample the rum to check for quality.  Good, isn't it?  Now
-select a large mixing bowl, measuring cup, etc.  Check the rum again.  It
-must be just right.  Be sure the rum is of the highest quality.  Pour one cup
-of rum into a glass and drink it as fast as you can.  Repeat. With an electric
-mixer, beat one cup butter in a large fluffy bowl.  Add 1 seaspoon of tugar
-and beat again.  Meanwhile, make sure the rum teh absolutely highest quality.
-Sample another cup.  Open second quart as necessary.  Add 2 orge laggs, 2 cups
-of fried druit and beat untill high.  If the fried druit gets stuck in the
-beaters, just pry it loose with a screwdriver.  Sample the rum again, checking
-for toncisticity.  Next sift 3 cups of baking powder, a pinch of rum, a
-seaspoon of toda and a cup of pepper or salt (it really doesn't matter).
-Sample some more.  Sift 912 pint of lemon juice.  Fold in schopped butter and
-strained chups.  Add bablespoon of brown gugar, or whatever color you have.
-Mix mell.  Grease oven and turn cake pan to 350 gredees and rake until
-poothtick comes out crean.
-%
-FORTUNE'S PARTY TIPS		#14
-
-Tired of finding that other people are helping themselves to your good
-liquor at BYOB parties?  Take along a candle, which you insert and
-light after you've opened the bottle.  No one ever expects anything
-drinkable to be in a bottle which has a candle stuck in its neck.
-%
-Glogg (a traditional Scandinavian holiday drink):
-	fifth of dry red wine
-	fifth of Aquavit
-	1 and 1/2 inch piece of cinnamon
-	10 cardamom seeds
-	1 cup raisins
-	4 dried figs
-	1 cup blanched or flaked almonds
-	a few pieces of dried orange peel
-	5 cloves
-	1/2 lb. sugar cubes
-	Heat up the wine and hard stuff (which may be substituted with wine
-for the faint of heart) in a big pot after adding all the other stuff EXCEPT
-the sugar cubes.  Just when it reaches boiling, put the sugar in a wire
-strainer, moisten it in the hot brew, lift it out and ignite it with a match.
-Dip the sugar several times in the liquid until it is all dissolved.  Serve
-hot in cups with a few raisins and almonds in each cup.
-	N.B. Aquavit may be hard to find and expensive to boot.  Use it only
-if you really have a deep-seated desire to be fussy, or if you are of Swedish
-extraction.
-%
-Halley's Comet: It came, we saw, we drank.
-%
-Harry's bar has a new cocktail.  It's called MRS punch.  They make it with
-milk, rum and sugar and it's wonderful.  The milk is for vitality and the 
-sugar is for pep.  They put in the rum so that people will know what to do
-with all that pep and vitality.
-%
-Having a wonderful wine, wish you were beer.
-%
-Having wandered helplessly into a blinding snowstorm Sam was greatly
-relieved to see a sturdy Saint Bernard dog bounding toward him with
-the traditional keg of brandy strapped to his collar.
-	"At last," cried Sam, "man's best friend -- and a great big dog, too!"
-%
-He knew the tavernes well in every toun.
-		-- Geoffrey Chaucer
-%
-He's just like Capistrano, always ready for a few swallows.
-%
-"Hey!  Who took the cork off my lunch??!"
-		-- W. C. Fields
-%
-HOGAN'S HEROES DRINKING GAME --
-	Take a shot every time:
-
--- Sergeant Schultz says, "I knoooooowww nooooothing!"
--- General Burkhalter or Major Hochstetter intimidate/insult Colonel Klink.
--- Colonel Klink falls for Colonel Hogan's flattery.
--- One of the prisoners sneaks out of camp (one shot for each prisoner to go).
--- Colonel Klink snaps to attention after answering the phone (two shots
-	if it's one of our heroes on the other end).
--- One of the Germans is threatened with being sent to the Russian front.
--- Corporal Newkirk calls up a German in his phoney German accent, and
-	tricks him (two shots if it's Colonel Klink).
--- Hogan has a romantic interlude with a beautiful girl from the underground.
--- Colonel Klink relates how he's never had an escape from Stalag 13.
--- Sergeant Schultz gives up a secret (two shots if he's bribed with food).
--- The prisoners listen to the Germans' conversation by a hidden transmitter.
--- Sergeant Schultz "captures" one of the prisoners after an escape.
--- Lebeau pronounces "colonel" as "cuh-loh-`nell".
--- Carter builds some kind of device (two shots if it's not explosive).
--- Lebeau wears his apron.
--- Hogan says "We've got no choice" when someone claims that the plan is
-	impossible.
--- The prisoners capture an important German, and sneak him out the tunnel.
-%
-I can't die until the government finds a safe place to bury my liver.
-		-- Phil Harris
-%
-I distrust a man who says when.  If he's got to be careful not to drink
-too much, it's because he's not to be trusted when he does.
-		-- Sidney Greenstreet, "The Maltese Falcon"
-%
-I don't drink, I don't like it, it makes me feel too good.
-		-- K. Coates
-%
-I drink to make other people interesting.
-		-- George Jean Nathan
-%
-I gave up Smoking, Drinking and Sex.  It was the most *__________horrifying* 20
-minutes of my life!
-%
-I have just had eighteen whiskeys in a row.  I do believe that is a record.
-		-- Dylan Thomas, his last words
-%
-I have to think hard to name an interesting man who does not drink.
-		-- Richard Burton
-%
-I kissed my first girl and smoked my first cigarette on the same day.
-I haven't had time for tobacco since.
-		-- Arturo Toscanini
-%
-I may not be able to walk, but I drive from a sitting position.
-%
-I must get out of these wet clothes and into a dry Martini.
-		-- Alexander Woolcott
-%
-I never said all Democrats were saloonkeepers; what I said was all
-saloonkeepers were Democrats.
-%
-I never take work home with me; I always leave it in some bar along the way.
-%
-I suppose that in a few hours I will sober up. That's such a sad
-thought. I think I'll have a few more drinks to prepare myself.
-%
-I used to have a drinking problem.  Now I love the stuff.
-%
-I will not drink!
-But if I do...
-I will not get drunk!
-But if I do...
-I will not in public!
-But if I do...
-I will not fall down!
-But if I do...
-I will fall face down so that they cannot see my company badge.
-%
-I wish you were a Scotch on the rocks.
-%
-I'd like to meet the guy who invented beer and see what he's working on now.
-%
-I'd rather have a free bottle in front of me than a prefrontal lobotomy.
-		-- Fred Allen
-
-[Also attributed to S. Clay Wilson.  Ed.]
-%
-I'm not under the alkafluence of inkahol
-that some thinkle peep I am.
-It's just the drunker I sit here the longer I get.
-%
-I've always felt sorry for people that don't drink -- remember,
-when they wake up, that's as good as they're gonna feel all day!
-%
-I've always made it a solemn practice to never drink anything stronger
-than tequila before breakfast.
-		-- R. Nesson
-%
-I've never been drunk, but often I've been overserved.
-		-- George Gobel
-%
-If God had intended Man to Smoke, He would have set him on Fire.
-%
-If God had intended Men to Smoke, He would have put Chimneys in their Heads.
-%
-If I knew what brand [of whiskey] he drinks, I would send a barrel or
-so to my other generals.
-		-- Abraham Lincoln, on General Grant
-%
-If people drank ink instead of Schlitz, they'd be better off.
-		-- Edward E. Hippensteel
-
-[What brand of ink?  Ed.]
-%
-If you don't drink it, someone else will.
-%
-If you drink, don't park.  Accidents make people.
-%
-In 1967, the Soviet Government minted a beautiful silver ruble with Lenin
-in a very familiar pose -- arms raised above him, leading the country to
-revolution.  But, it was clear to everybody, that if you looked at it from
-behind, it was clear that Lenin was pointing to 11:00, when the Vodka
-shops opened, and was actually saying, "Comrades, forward to the Vodka shops.
-
-It became fashionable, when one wanted to have a drink, to take out the
-ruble and say, "Oh my goodness, Comrades, Lenin tells me we should go.
-%
-In a bottle, the neck is always at the top.
-%
-In a gathering of two or more people, when a lighted cigarette is
-placed in an ashtray, the smoke will waft into the face of the non-smoker.
-%
-In a whiskey it's age, in a cigarette it's taste and in a sports car
-it's impossible.
-%
-In vino veritas.
-	[In wine there is truth.]
-		-- Pliny
-%
-It has been said that Public Relations is the art of winning friends
-and getting people under the influence.
-		-- Jeremy Tunstall
-%
-It's a brave man who, when things are at their darkest, can kick back and party!
-		-- Dennis Quaid, "Inner Space"
-%
-It's gonna be alright,
-It's almost midnight,
-And I've got two more bottles of wine.
-%
-It's the same old story; boy meets beer, boy drinks beer... boy gets
-another beer.
-		-- Cheers
-%
-It's useless to try to hold some people to anything they say while they're
-madly in love, drunk, or running for office.
-%
-Keep America beautiful.  Swallow your beer cans.
-%
-Kiss a non-smoker; taste the difference.
-%
-Kissing a smoker is like licking an ashtray.
-%
-Lady Astor was giving a costume ball and Winston Churchill asked her what
-disguise she would recommend for him.  She replied, "Why don't you come
-sober, Mr. Prime Minister?"
-%
-Let the worthy citizens of Chicago get their liquor the best way
-they can. I'm sick of the job.  It's a thankless one and full of grief.
-		-- Al Capone
-%
-Life, like beer, is merely borrowed.
-		-- Don Reed
-%
-Look at it this way: Your daughter just named the fresh turkey you brought
-home "Cuddles", so you're going out to buy a canned ham.  And you're still
-drinking ordinary scotch?
-%
-Look at it this way: Your wife's spending $280 a month on meditation lessons to
-forget $26,000 of college education. And you're still drinking ordinary scotch?
-%
-Marvin the Nature Lover spied a grasshopper hopping along in the grass,
-and in a mood for communing with nature, rare even among full-fledged
-Nature Lovers, he spoke to the grasshopper, saying: "Hello, friend
-grasshopper.  Did you know they've named a drink after you?"
-	"Really?" replied the grasshopper, obviously pleased.  "They've
-named a drink Fred?"
-%
-"Mind if I smoke?"
-	"I don't care if you burst into flames and die!"
-%
-"Mind if I smoke?"
-	"Yes, I'd like to see that, does it come out of your ears or what?"
-%
-My mother drinks to forget she drinks.
-		-- Crazy Jimmy
-%
-My uncle was the town drunk -- and we lived in Chicago.
-		-- George Gobel
-%
-Never delay the ending of a meeting or the beginning of a cocktail hour.
-%
-Never drink from your finger bowl -- it contains only water.
-%
-No, I don't have a drinking problem.
-
-I drink, I get drunk, I fall down.
-
-No problem!
-%
-[Norm comes in with an attractive woman.]
-
-Coach:  Normie, Normie, could this be Vera?
-Norm:   With a lot of expensive surgery, maybe.
-		-- Cheers, Norman's Conquest
-
-Coach:  What's up, Normie?
-Norm:   The temperature under my collar, Coach.
-		-- Cheers, I'll Be Seeing You (Part 2)
-
-Coach:  What would you say to a nice beer, Normie?
-Norm:   Going down?
-		-- Cheers, Diane Meets Mom
-%
-[Norm goes into the bar at Vic's Bowl-A-Rama.]
-
-Off-screen crowd:  Norm!
-Sam:   How the hell do they know him here?
-Cliff: He's got a life, you know.
-		-- Cheers, From Beer to Eternity
-
-Woody: What can I do for you, Mr. Peterson?
-Norm:  Elope with my wife.
-		-- Cheers, The Triangle
-
-Woody: How's life, Mr. Peterson?
-Norm:  Oh, I'm waiting for the movie.
-		-- Cheers, Take My Shirt... Please?
-%
-[Norm is angry.]
-
-Woody: What can I get you, Mr. Peterson?
-Norm:  Clifford Clavin's head.
-		-- Cheers, The Triangle
-
-Sam:  Hey, what's happening, Norm?
-Norm: Well, it's a dog-eat-dog world, Sammy,
-      and I'm wearing Milk-Bone underwear.
-		-- Cheers, The Peterson Principle
-
-Sam:  How's life in the fast lane, Normie?
-Norm: Beats me, I can't find the on-ramp.
-		-- Cheers, Diane Chambers Day
-%
-[Norm returns from the hospital.]
-
-Coach:  What's up, Norm?
-Norm:   Everything that's supposed to be.
-		-- Cheers, Diane Meets Mom
-
-Sam:  What's new, Normie?
-Norm: Terrorists, Sam.  They've taken over my stomach.  They're demanding beer.
-		-- Cheers, The Heart is a Lonely Snipehunter
-
-Coach: What'll it be, Normie?
-Norm:  Just the usual, Coach.  I'll have a froth of beer and a snorkel.
-		-- Cheers, King of the Hill
-%
-[Norm tries to prove that he is not Anton Kreitzer.]
-Norm:  Afternoon, everybody!
-All:   Anton!
-		-- Cheers, The Two Faces of Norm
-
-Woody: What's going on, Mr. Peterson?
-Norm:  A flashing sign in my gut that says, ``Insert beer here.''
-		-- Cheers, Call Me, Irresponsible
-
-Sam:  What can I get you, Norm?
-Norm: [scratching his beard] Got any flea powder?  Ah, just kidding.
-      Gimme a beer; I think I'll just drown the little suckers.
-		-- Cheers, Two Girls for Every Boyd
-%
-Norm:  Gentlemen, start your taps.
-		-- Cheers, The Coach's Daughter
-
-Coach: How's life treating you, Norm?
-Norm:  Like it caught me in bed with his wife.
-		-- Cheers, Any Friend of Diane's
-
-Coach: How's life, Norm?
-Norm:  Not for the squeamish, Coach.
-		-- Cheers, Friends, Romans, and Accountants
-%
-Norm:  Hey, everybody.
-All:   [silence; everybody is mad at Norm for being rich.]
-Norm:  [Carries on both sides of the conversation himself.]
-       Norm!   (Norman.)
-       How are you feeling today, Norm?
-       Rich and thirsty.  Pour me a beer.
-		-- Cheers, Tan 'n Wash
-
-Woody: What's the latest, Mr. Peterson?
-Norm:  Zsa-Zsa marries a millionaire, Peterson drinks a beer.
-       Film at eleven.
-		-- Cheers, Knights of the Scimitar
-
-Woody: How are you today, Mr. Peterson?
-Norm:  Never been better, Woody. ... Just once I'd like to be better.
-		-- Cheers, Chambers vs. Malone
-%
-Not all men who drink are poets.  Some of us drink because we aren't poets.
-%
-Not drinking, chasing women, or doing drugs won't make you live longer --
-it just seems that way.
-%
-NOTICE:
-	Anyone seen smoking will be assumed to be on fire and will
-	be summarily put out.
-%
-Now is the time for drinking; now the time to beat the earth with
-unfettered foot.
-		-- Quintus Horatius Flaccus (Horace)
-%
-Of course power tools and alcohol don't mix.  Everyone knows power
-tools aren't soluble in alcohol...
-		-- Crazy Nigel
-%
-Old Grandad is dead but his spirits live on.
-%
-Once ... in the wilds of Afghanistan, I lost my corkscrew, and we were
-forced to live on nothing but food and water for days.
-		-- W. C. Fields, "My Little Chickadee"
-%
-One difference between a man and a machine is that a machine is quiet
-when well oiled.
-%
-One dusty July afternoon, somewhere around the turn of the century, Patrick
-Malone was in Mulcahey's Bar, bending an elbow with the other street car
-conductors from the Brooklyn Traction Company.  While they were discussing the
-merits of a local ring hero, the bar goes silent.  Malone turns around to see
-his wife, with a face grim as death, stalking to the bar.
-	Slapping a four-bit piece down on the bar, she draws herself up to her
-full five feet five inches and says to Mulcahey, "Give me what himself has
-been havin' all these years."
-	Mulcahey looks at Malone, who shrugs, and then back at Margaret Mary
-Malone.  He sets out a glass and pours her a triple shot of Rye.  The bar is
-totally silent as they watch the woman pick up the glass and knock back the
-drink.  She slams the glass down on the bar, gasps, shudders slightly, and
-passes out; falling straight back, stiff as a board, saved from sudden contact
-with the barroom floor by the ample belly of Seamus Fogerty.
-	Sometime later, she comes to on the pool table, a jacket under her
-head.  Her bloodshot eyes fell upon her husband, who says, "And all these
-years you've been thinkin' I've been enjoying meself."
-%
-Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups --
-alcohol, caffeine, sugar, and fat.
-		-- Alex Levine
-%
-PLEASE DON'T SMOKE HERE!
-
-Penalty: An early, lingering death from cancer,
-	 emphysema, or other smoking-caused ailment.
-%
-Police:	Good evening, are you the host?
-Host:	No.
-Police:	We've been getting complaints about this party.
-Host:	About the drugs?
-Police:	No.
-Host:	About the guns, then?  Is somebody complaining about the guns?
-Police:	No, the noise.
-Host:	Oh, the noise.  Well that makes sense because there are no guns
-	or drugs here.  (An enormous explosion is heard in the
-	background.)  Or fireworks.  Who's complaining about the noise?
-	The neighbors?
-Police:	No, the neighbors fled inland hours ago.  Most of the recent
-	complaints have come from Pittsburgh.  Do you think you could
-	ask the host to quiet things down?
-Host:	No Problem.  (At this point, a Volkswagon bug with primitive
-	religious symbols drawn on the doors emerges from the living
-	room and roars down the hall, past the police and onto the
-	lawn, where it smashes into a tree.  Eight guests tumble out
-	onto the grass, moaning.)  See?  Things are starting to wind
-	down.
-%
-Preserve Wildlife!  Throw a party today!
-%
-Recipe for a Pan Galactic Gargle Blaster:
-	(1) Take the juice from one bottle of Ol' Janx Spirit
-	(2) Pour into it one measure of water from the seas of
-		Santraginus V  (Oh, those Santraginean fish!)
-	(3) Allow 3 cubes of Arcturan Mega-gin to melt into the
-		mixture (properly iced or the benzine is lost.)
-	(4) Allow four liters of Fallian marsh gas to bubble through it.
-	(5) Over the back of a silver spoon, float a measure of
-		Qualactin Hypermint extract.
-	(6) Drop in the tooth of an Algolian Suntiger.  Watch it dissolve.
-	(7) Sprinkle Zamphuor.
-	(8) Add an olive.
-	(9) Drink... but... very carefully...
-%
-Riffle West Virginia is so small that the Boy Scout had to double as the
-town drunk.
-%
-Romance, like alcohol, should be enjoyed, but should not be allowed to
-become necessary.
-		-- Edgar Friedenberg
-%
-Said the attractive, cigar-smoking housewife to her girl-friend: "I got
-started one night when George came home and found one burning in the ashtray."
-%
-Sam:   What do you know there, Norm?
-Norm:  How to sit.  How to drink.  Want to quiz me?
-		-- Cheers, Loverboyd
-
-Sam:   Hey, how's life treating you there, Norm?
-Norm:  Beats me. ...  Then it kicks me and leaves me for dead.
-		-- Cheers, Loverboyd
-
-Woody: How would a beer feel, Mr. Peterson?
-Norm:  Pretty nervous if I was in the room.
-		-- Cheers, Loverboyd
-%
-Sam:   What's the good word, Norm?
-Norm:  Plop, plop, fizz, fizz.
-Sam:   Oh no, not the Hungry Heifer...
-Norm:  Yeah, yeah, yeah...
-Sam:   One heartburn cocktail coming up.
-		-- Cheers, I'll Gladly Pay You Tuesday
-
-Sam:   Whaddya say, Norm?
-Norm:  Well, I never met a beer I didn't drink.  And down it goes.
-		-- Cheers, Love Thy Neighbor
-
-Woody:  What's your pleasure, Mr. Peterson?
-Norm:   Boxer shorts and loose shoes.  But I'll settle for a beer.
-		-- Cheers, The Bar Stoolie
-%
-Sam:  What do you say, Norm?
-Norm: Any cheap, tawdry thing that'll get me a beer.
-		-- Cheers, Birth, Death, Love and Rice
-
-Sam:  What do you say to a beer, Normie?
-Norm: Hiya, sailor.  New in town?
-		-- Cheers, Woody Goes Belly Up
-
-Norm: [coming in from the rain] Evening, everybody.
-All:  Norm!  (Norman.)
-Sam:  Still pouring, Norm?
-Norm: That's funny, I was about to ask you the same thing.
-		-- Cheers, Diane's Nightmare
-%
-Sam:  What's going on, Normie?
-Norm: My birthday, Sammy.  Give me a beer, stick a candle in
-      it, and I'll blow out my liver.
-		-- Cheers, Where Have All the Floorboards Gone
-
-Woody: Hey, Mr. P.  How goes the search for Mr. Clavin?
-Norm:  Not as well as the search for Mr. Donut.
-       Found him every couple of blocks.
-		-- Cheers, Head Over Hill
-%
-Sam:  What's new, Norm?
-Norm: Most of my wife.
-		-- Cheers, The Spy Who Came in for a Cold One
-
-Coach: Beer, Norm?
-Norm:  Naah, I'd probably just drink it.
-		-- Cheers, Now Pitching, Sam Malone
-
-Coach: What's doing, Norm?
-Norm:  Well, science is seeking a cure for thirst.  I happen
-       to be the guinea pig.
-		-- Cheers, Let Me Count the Ways
-%
-Show respect for age.  Drink good Scotch for a change.
-%
-Sleep -- the most beautiful experience in life -- except drink.
-		-- W.C. Fields
-%
-SMOKING IS NOW ALLOWED !!!
-	Anyone wishing to smoke, however, must file, in triplicate, the
-	U.S. government Environmental Impact Narrative Statement (EINS),
-	describing in detail the type of combustion proposed, impact on
-	the environment, and anticipated opposition.  Statements must be
-	filed 30 days in advance.
-%
-Smoking is one of the leading causes of statistics.
-		-- Fletcher Knebel
-%
-Smoking is, as far as I'm concerned, the entire point of being an adult.
-		-- Fran Lebowitz
-%
-Smoking Prohibited.  Absolutely no ifs, ands, or butts.
-%
-So, is the glass half empty, half full, or just twice as
-large as it needs to be?
-%
-Some people have no respect for age unless it's bottled.
-%
-Sometimes I simply feel that the whole world is a cigarette and I'm the
-only ashtray.
-%
-	Split		1/4 bottle	.187 liters
-	Half		1/2 bottle
-	Bottle		750 milliliters
-	Magnum		2 bottles	1.5 liters
-	Jeroboam	4 bottles
-	Rehoboam	6 bottles	Not available in the US
-	Methuselah	8 bottles
-	Salmanazar	12 bottles
-	Balthazar	16 bottles
-	Nebuchadnezzar	20 bottles	15 liters
-	Sovereign	34 bottles	26 liters
-
-	The Sovereign is a new bottle, made for the launching of the
-largest cruise ship in the world.  The bottle alone cost 8,000 dollars
-to produce and they only made 8 of them.
-	Most of the funny names come from Biblical people.
-%
-Symptom:		Drinking fails to give taste and satisfaction, beer is
-			unusually pale and clear.
-Problem:		Glass empty.
-Action Required:	Find someone who will buy you another beer.
-
-Symptom:		Drinking fails to give taste and satisfaction,
-			and the front of your shirt is wet.
-Fault:			Mouth not open when drinking or glass applied to
-			wrong part of face.
-Action Required:	Buy another beer and practice in front of mirror.
-			Drink as many as needed to perfect drinking technique.
-		-- Bar Troubleshooting
-%
-Symptom:		Everything has gone dark.
-Fault:			The Bar is closing.
-Action Required:	Panic.
-
-Symptom:		You awaken to find your bed hard, cold and wet.
-			You cannot see the bathroom light.
-Fault:			You have spent the night in the gutter.
-Action Required:	Check your watch to see if bars are open yet.  If not,
-			treat yourself to a lie-in.
-		-- Bar Troubleshooting
-%
-Symptom:		Feet cold and wet, glass empty.
-Fault:			Glass being held at incorrect angle.
-Action Required:	Turn glass other way up so that open end points
-			toward ceiling.
-
-Symptom:		Feet warm and wet.
-Fault:			Improper bladder control.
-Action Required:	Go stand next to nearest dog.  After a while complain
-			to the owner about its lack of house training and
-			demand a beer as compensation.
-		-- Bar Troubleshooting
-%
-Symptom:		Floor blurred.
-Fault:			You are looking through bottom of empty glass.
-Action Required:	Find someone who will buy you another beer.
-
-Symptom:		Floor moving.
-Fault:			You are being carried out.
-Action Required:	Find out if you are taken to another bar.  If not,
-			complain loudly that you are being kidnapped.
-		-- Bar Troubleshooting
-%
-Symptom:		Floor swaying.
-Fault:			Excessive air turbulence, perhaps due to air-hockey
-			game in progress.
-Action Required:	Insert broom handle down back of jacket.
-
-Symptom:		Everything has gone dim, strange taste of peanuts
-			and pretzels or cigarette butts in mouth.
-Fault:			You have fallen forward.
-Action Required:	See above.
-
-Symptom:		Opposite wall covered with acoustic tile and several
-			flourescent light strips.
-Fault:			You have fallen over backward.
-Action Required:	If your glass is full and no one is standing on your
-			drinking arm, stay put.  If not, get someone to help
-			you get up, lash yourself to bar.
-		-- Bar Troubleshooting
-%
-Take me drunk, I'm home again!
-%
-The best audience is intelligent, well-educated and a little drunk.
-		-- Maurice Baring
-%
-The best way to preserve a right is to exercise it, and the right to
-smoke is a right worth dying for.
-%
-The Celts invented two things, Whiskey and self-destruction.
-%
-The church is near but the road is icy; the bar is far away but I will
-walk carefully.
-		-- Russian Proverb
-%
-The cost of living has just gone up another dollar a quart.
-		-- W.C. Fields
-%
-The father, passing through his son's college town late one evening on a
-business trip, thought he would pay his boy a suprise visit.  Arriving at the
-lad's fraternity house, dad rapped loudly on the door.  After several minutes
-of knocking, a sleepy voice drifted down from a second-floor window,
-	"Whaddaya want?"
-	"Does Ramsey Duncan live here?" asked the father.
-	"Yeah," replied the voice.  "Dump him on the front porch."
-%
-The mark of a good party is that you wake up the next morning wanting to
-change your name and start a new life in different city.
-		-- Vance Bourjaily, "Esquire"
-%
-The search for the perfect martini is a fraud.  The perfect martini is
-a belt of gin from the bottle; anything else is the decadent trappings
-of civilization.
-		-- T.K.
-%
-The telephone is a good way to talk to people without having to offer
-them a drink.
-		-- Fran Lebowitz, "Interview"
-%
-The verdict of a jury is the a priori opinion of that juror who smokes
-the worst cigars.
-		-- H. L. Mencken
-%
-The voluptuous blond was chatting with her handsome escort in a posh 
-restaurant when their waiter, stumbling as he brought their drinks, 
-dumped a martini on the rocks down the back of the blonde's dress.  She
-sprang to her feet with a wild rebel yell, dashed wildly around the table,
-then galloped wriggling from the room followed by her distraught boyfriend.
-A man seated on the other side of the room with a date of his own beckoned
-to the waiter and said, "We'll have two of whatever she was drinking."
-%
-The water was not fit to drink.  To make it palatable, we had to add whiskey.
-By diligent effort, I learned to like it.
-		-- Winston Churchill
-%
-"The whole world is about three drinks behind."
-		-- Humphrey Bogart
-%
-The wise and intelligent are coming belatedly to realize that alcohol, and
-not the dog, is man's best friend.  Rover is taking a beating -- and he should.
-		-- W.C. Fields
-%
-There are more old drunkards than old doctors.
-%
-There are only two kinds of tequila.  Good and better.
-%
-There are two problems with a major hangover.  You feel
-like you are going to die and you're afraid that you won't.
-%
-There be sober men a'plenty, and drunkards barely twenty; there are men
-of over ninety who have never yet kissed a girl.  But give me the rambling
-rover, from Orkney down to Dover, we will roam the whole world over, and
-together we'll face the world.
-		-- Andy Stewart, "After the Hush"
-%
-There is nothing wrong with abstinence, in moderation.
-%
-There will always be beer cans rolling on the floor of your car when
-the boss asks for a lift home from the office.
-%
-These days the necessities of life cost you about three times what they
-used to, and half the time they aren't even fit to drink.
-%
-They took some of the Van Goghs, most of the jewels, and all of the Chivas!
-%
-To be intoxicated is to feel sophisticated but not be able to say it.
-%
-To one large turkey add one gallon of vermouth and a demijohn of Angostura
-bitters.  Shake.
-		-- F. Scott Fitzgerald, recipe for turkey cocktail.
-%
-Too ripped.  Gotta go.
-%
-Toothpaste never hurts the taste of good scotch.
-%
-Two friends were out drinking when suddenly one lurched backward off his 
-barstool and lay motionless on the floor.
-	"One thing about Jim," the other said to the bartender, "he sure
-knows when to stop."
-%
-Vermouth always makes me brilliant unless it makes me idiotic.
-		-- E.F. Benson
-%
-We don't smoke and we don't chew, and we don't go with girls that do.
-		-- Walter Summers
-%
-What scoundrel stole the cork from my lunch?
-		-- J.D. Farley
-%
-When all else fails, pour a pint of Guinness in the gas tank, advance
-the spark 20 degrees, cry "God Save the Queen!", and pull the starter knob.
-		-- MG "Series MGA" Workshop Manual
-%
-When I drink, *everybody* drinks!" a man shouted to the assembled bar patrons.
-A loud general cheer went up.  After downing his whiskey, he hopped onto a
-barstool and shouted "When I take another drink, *everybody* takes another
-drink!"  The announcement produced another cheer and another round of drinks.
-	As soon as he had downed his second drink, the fellow hopped back
-onto the stool.  "And when I pay," he bellowed, slapping five dollars onto
-the bar, "*everybody* pays!"
-%
-When I heated my home with oil, I used an average of 800 gallons a year.  I
-have found that I can keep comfortably warm for an entire winter with
-slightly over half that quantity of beer.
-		-- Dave Barry, "Postpetroleum Guzzler"
-%
-When I sell liquor, it's called bootlegging; when my patrons serve
-it on silver trays on Lake Shore Drive, it's called hospitality.
-		-- Al Capone
-%
-When the cup is full, carry it level.
-%
-When the going gets tough, the tough go grab a beer.
-%
-	While riding in a train between London and Birmingham, a woman
-inquired of Oscar Wilde, "You don't mind if I smoke, do you?"
-	Wilde gave her a sidelong glance and replied, "I don't mind if
-you burn, madam."
-%
-Who needs friends when you can sit alone in your room and drink?
-%
-Why on earth do people buy old bottles of wine when they can get a
-fresh one for a quarter of the price?
-%
-Woman on Street:	Sir, you are drunk; very, very drunk.
-Winston Churchill:	Madame, you are ugly; very, very ugly.
-			I shall be sober in the morning.
-%
-Wonderful day.  Your hangover just makes it seem terrible.
-%
-Woody:  What's the story, Mr. Peterson?
-Norm:   The Bobbsey twins go to the brewery.
-        Let's just cut to the happy ending.
-		-- Cheers, Airport V
-
-Woody:  Hey, Mr. Peterson, there's a cold one waiting for you.
-Norm:   I know, and if she calls, I'm not here.
-		-- Cheers, Bar Wars II: The Woodman Strikes Back
-
-Sam:  Beer, Norm?
-Norm: Have I gotten that predictable?  Good.
-		-- Cheers, Don't Paint Your Chickens
-%
-Woody: Hey, Mr. Peterson, Jack Frost nipping at your nose?
-Norm:  Yep, now let's get Joe Beer nipping at my liver, huh?
-		-- Cheers, Feeble Attraction
-
-Sam:  What are you up to Norm?
-Norm: My ideal weight if I were eleven feet tall.
-		-- Cheers, Bar Wars III: The Return of Tecumseh
-
-Woody: Nice cold beer coming up, Mr. Peterson.
-Norm:  You mean, `Nice cold beer going *down* Mr. Peterson.'
-		-- Cheers, Loverboyd
-%
-Woody: Hey, Mr. Peterson, what do you say to a cold one?
-Norm:  See you later, Vera, I'll be at Cheers.
-		-- Cheers, Norm's Last Hurrah
-
-Sam:   Well, look at you.  You look like the cat that swallowed the canary.
-Norm:  And I need a beer to wash him down.
-		-- Cheers, Norm's Last Hurrah
-
-Woody:  Would you like a beer, Mr. Peterson?
-Norm:   No, I'd like a dead cat in a glass.
-		-- Cheers, Little Carla, Happy at Last, Part 2
-%
-Woody: Hey, Mr. Peterson, what's up?
-Norm:  The warranty on my liver.
-		-- Cheers, Breaking In Is Hard to Do
-
-Sam:  What can I do for you, Norm?
-Norm: Open up those beer taps and, oh, take the day off, Sam.
-		-- Cheers, Veggie-Boyd
-
-Woody: What's going on, Mr. Peterson?
-Norm:  Another layer for the winter, Wood.
-		-- Cheers, It's a Wonderful Wife
-%
-Woody: How are you feeling today, Mr. Peterson?
-Norm:  Poor.
-Woody: Oh, I'm sorry to hear that.
-Norm:  No, I meant `pour'.
-		-- Cheers, Strange Bedfellows, Part 3
-
-Woody: Hey, Mr. Peterson, what's the story?
-Norm:  Boy meets beer.  Boy drinks beer.  Boy gets another beer.
-		-- Cheers, The Proposal
-
-Paul:  Hey Norm, how's the world been treating you?
-Norm:  Like a baby treats a diaper.
-		-- Cheers, Tan 'n Wash
-%
-Woody: What's going on, Mr. Peterson?
-Norm:  Let's talk about what's going *in* Mr. Peterson.  A beer, Woody.
-		-- Cheers, Paint Your Office
-
-Sam:  How's life treating you?
-Norm: It's not, Sammy, but that doesn't mean you can't.
-		-- Cheers, A Kiss is Still a Kiss
-
-Woody:  Can I pour you a draft, Mr. Peterson?
-Norm:   A little early, isn't it Woody?
-Woody:  For a beer?
-Norm:   No, for stupid questions.
-		-- Cheers, Let Sleeping Drakes Lie
-%
-Woody: What's happening, Mr. Peterson?
-Norm:  The question is, Woody, why is it happening to me?
-		-- Cheers, Strange Bedfellows, Part 1
-
-Woody: What's going down, Mr. Peterson?
-Norm:  My cheeks on this barstool.
-		-- Cheers, Strange Bedfellows, Part 2
-
-Woody: Hey, Mr. Peterson, can I pour you a beer?
-Norm:  Well, okay, Woody, but be sure to stop me at one. ...
-       Eh, make that one-thirty.
-		-- Cheers, Strange Bedfellows, Part 2
-%
-Work is the curse of the drinking classes.
-		-- Mike Romanoff
-%
-You can't fall off the floor.
-%
-You're not an alcoholic unless you go to the meetings.
-%
-You're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on.
-		-- Dean Martin
-%