fortune-teller 0.1.0 → 0.3.0

package/fortunes/off/unrotated/songs-poems

@@ -1,2271 +0,0 @@
-A is for Amy who fell down the stairs,
-B is for Basil assaulted by bears.
-C is for Clair who wasted away,
-D is for Desmond thrown out of the sleigh.
-E is for Ernest who choked on a peach,
-F is for Fanny, sucked dry by a leech.
-G is for George, smothered under a rug,
-H is for Hector, done in by a thug.
-I is for Ida who drowned in the lake,
-J is for James who took lye, by mistake.
-K is for Kate who was struck with an axe,
-L is for Leo who swallowed some tacks.
-M is for Maud who was swept out to sea,
-N is for Nevil who died of enui.
-O is for Olive, run through with an awl,
-P is for Prue, trampled flat in a brawl.
-Q is for Quinton who sank in a mire,
-R is for Rhoda, consumed by a fire.
-S is for Susan who parished of fits,
-T is for Titas who flew into bits.
-U is for Una  who slipped down a drain,
-V is for Victor, squashed under a train.
-W is for Winie, embedded in ice,
-X is for Xercies, devoured by mice.
-Y is for Yoric whose head was bashed in,
-Z is for Zilla who drank too much gin.
-		-- Edward Gorey "The Ghastly Crumb Tines"
-%
-A Scotsman clad in kilts left a bar one evening fair.
-One could tell by how he walked, he'd drunk more than his share.
-He staggered on until he could no longer keep his feet.
-So he stumbled off into the grass to sleep beside the street.
-
-Later on two young and lovely girls just happened by.
-One says to the other, with a twinkle in her eye.
-"See yon sleeping Scotsman so young and handsome built?"
-"I wonder if it's true what they don't wear beneath their kilts?"
-
-They stepped up to the Scotsman, so young and fancy free.
-They lifted up his kilt above the waist so they could see.
-And there behold for them the view beneath his Scottish skirt,
-Was nothing more than God had graced him with upon his birth.
-
-They marveled for a moment, then one said, "Best be gone."
-"Let's leave a present for our friend before we move along."
-As a gift they left a blue ribbon tied into a bow,
-Around the bonny star of the Scot's kilt lifting show.
-
-The Scot awoke to nature's call and stumbled to the trees.
-Behind a bush he lifts his kilt and gawks at what he see's.
-Then in a startled voice he says to what's before his eyes,
-"Och, lad I dinna know whar' ya been, but I see ya won first prize."
-		-- Mike Cross, "The Scotsman"
-%
-All I want is a girl made of wood,
-With fine-grained hair and carven knee.
-She wouldn't drink and wouldn't smoke,
-Oh, wooden tit be loverly?
-		-- Pinocchio
-%
-All the girls in France, do a hookie-kookie dance,
-And you know the way they shake, is enough to fry a snake,
-And the snake they fry, is enough to tell a lie,
-And the lie they tell, is enough to go to
-Hello, operator, give me number nine,
-If you disconnect me, I'll kick you in the
-Behind the 'frigerator, there was a piece of glass,
-If you do not pick it up, I'll kick you in the
-Ask me no more questions, tell me no more lies,
-This is what Lulu told me, just before she died.
-She had a little brother, she named him Tiny Tim,
-She put him in the potty, to see if he could swim.
-He swam down to the bottom, he swam up to the top,
-Lulu got disgusted, and flushed him down the pot.
-		-- Princess
-%
-All things dull and ugly,		Each little snake that poisons,
-All creatures short and squat,		Each little wasp that stings,
-All things rude and nasty,		He made their brutish venom,
-The Lord God made the lot;		He made their horrid wings.
-
-All things sick and cancerous,		Each nasty little hornet,
-All evil great and small,		Each beastly little squid.
-All things foul and dangerous,		Who made the spikey urchin?
-The Lord God made them all.		Who made the sharks? He did.
-
-All things scabbed and ulcerous,
-All pox both great and small.
-Putrid, foul and gangrenous,
-The Lord God made them all.
-		-- Monty Python's Flying Circus
-%
-An attachment a la Plato
-for a bashful young potato
-or a, not too French, french bean
-must excite your languid spleen.
-For, if you walk down Picadilly
-with a poppy or lily
-in your medieval hand,
-every one will say,
-as you walk your flowery way;
-"If this young man is content,
-with a vegetable love
-which would certainly not content me.
-Why, what a very pure young man
-this pure young man must be!"
-		-- W.S. Gilbert, "Patience"
-		[The subject of the humour is, of course, Oscar Wilde]
-%
-And it's one, two, three,
-What are we fighting for?
-Don't ask me I don't give a damn!
-Next stop is Vietnam!
-And it's five, six, seven,
-Open up the pearly gates.
-Ain't no time to wonder why
-Whoopie!  We're all going to die.
-		-- Country Joe and the Fish
-%
-... And malt does more than Milton can
-To justify God's ways to man.
-		-- A. E. Housman
-%
-And prively he caughte hire by the queynte,
-And heeld hire harde by the haunche-bones.
-		--Geoffrey Chaucer, The Miller's Tale
-%
-And the northern lights commenced to glow.
-And she said, with a tear in her eye,
-"Watch out where the huskies go,
-and don't you eat that yellow snow."
-		-- Frank Zappa, "The Story of Nanook and the Fur Trapper"
-%
-Ashes to ashes, dust to dust,
-If God won't have you, the devil must.
-%
-Australia's a lovely land
-It's full of bonza blokes,
-Sheilas, beer and no-one's queer
-Except in Pommie jokes.
-
-Australians are lovely chaps
-They're God's own chosen race.
-If they ever see a fairy Pom
-They'll smash him in the face.
-
-Australians like dressing up
-In skirts and having fun
-And that's all we were doing
-When the Vice Squad came along.
-		-- Monty Python's Flying Circus
-%
-Be prepared... that's the Boy Scout's solemn creed.
-Be prepared... to be clean in word and deed.
-Don't solicit for your sister, that's not nice,
-Unless you get a good percentage of her price.
-		-- Tom Lehrer
-%
-Behold the unborn fetus and
-	Weep salt tears crocodilian;
-All life is sacred (save, of course,
-	An enemy civilian).
-%
-Beneath this stone a virgin lies,
-For her life held no terrors.
-A virgin born, a virgin died:
-No hits, no runs, no errors.
-%
-Better the prince of some inferior court,
-Than second, or less, in beatific light.
-		-- Lucifer, Joost van den Vondel's "Lucifer"
-%
-Birth, copulation and death.
-That's all the facts when you come to brass tacks;
-Birth, copulation and death.
-		-- T.S. Elliot, "Sweeney Agonistes"
-%
-Bridget O'Flaherty McHugh
-Held venal traffic with a gnu.
-Mistaking fore for aft one morn
-Impaled herself upon its horn.
-
-Moral:	Those who seek high ends should shun
-	our furred and feathered friends.
-%
-But they'll never mechanize me -- not me!
-Said Charlotte, the Louisville harlot.
-		-- S.I. Hayakawa
-%
-Champagne don't make me lazy.
-Cocaine don't drive me crazy.
-Ain't nobody's business but my own.
-		-- Taj Mahal
-%
-Chipmunks roasting on an open fire
-Jack Frost ripping up your nose
-Yuletide carolers being thrown in the fire
-And folks dressed up like buffaloes
-Everybody knows a turkey slaughtered in the snow
-Helps to make the season right
-Tiny tots with their eyes all gouged out
-Will find it hard to see tonight
-They know that Santa's on his way
-He's loaded lots of guns and bullets on his sleigh
-And every mother's child is sure to spy
-To see if reindeer really scream when they die
-And so I'm offering this simple phrase
-To kids from one to ninety two
-Although it's been said many times, many ways
-Merry Christmas, Merry Christmas, Merry Christmas, Fuck you!!
-%
-Chorus:
-	Grandma got run over by a reindeer,
-	Walking home from our house Christmas eve.
-	You can say there's no such thing as Santa,
-	But as for me and Grandpa, we believe!
-She'd been drinking too much eggnog,
-And we begged her not to go.
-But she'd forgot her medication,	When we found her Christmas morning,
-And she staggered through the door	At the scene of the attack.
-	out in the snow.		She had hoofprints on her forehead,
-					And incriminating claus-marks on her
-Now we're all so proud of Grandpa,		back.
-He's been taking this so well.
-See him in there watching football.	I've warned all my friends and
-Drinking beer and playing cards			neighbors,
-	with cousin Mel.		Better watch out for yourselves!
-					They should never give a license,
-					To a man who drives a sleigh and
-						plays with elves!
-		-- Elmo and Patsy, "Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer"
-%
-Chorus:
-	I don't want to join the army, I don't want to go to war,
-	I'd rather sit around, pickin' dillies off the ground,
-	And livin' off the favors of a 'igh-born lady.
-	I don't want a bullet up me arse 'ole,
-	I don't want me pecker blown away,
-	I'd rather live in England, in jolly, sunny, England,
-	And fornicate me bloody life away!!
-
-Monday I touched her on the ankle,
-Tuesday I touched her on the knee,
-And Wednesday after Mass, I lifted up her dress,
-And Thursday I saw you know what,
-Friday I put me 'and upon it,
-Saturday she gave me balls a tweak [tweak, tweak]
-And Sunday after supper, I ran me fucker up 'er,
-And now she pays me forty quid a week!
-Oh, blimey...
-
-[chorus]
-%
-Christmas comes but once a year,
-A time for love and laughter;
-You can come much more than that,
-But you have to clean up after.
-%
-Christopher Robin and I run along,
-Under shell-bursts with our M-16s,
-Blowing up Heffalumps, Wol, and Eeyore
-For the pleasure of hearing their screams.
-	But we wandered much further today than we should,
-	And Christopher's hit in the back pretty good!
-
-So, help me if you can I've got to get
-Back in the knack of cold-blooded killing!
-You'd be surprised at the mayhem I bring:
-	Burning a village for kicks;
-	Flaying a native with sticks...
-Back in the trenches with Christopher Robin and Pooh!
-
-Winnie the Pooh doesn't know what to do,
-He's got napalm all over his clothes.
-He came to me asking help and advice,
-So I shot him before he got close.
-	But Christopher would try to help his poor bear,
-	And so both have burned up with a bright orange flare!
-
-Singin': Help me if you can I've got to get
-Back in the hang of this whole murder thing.
-You'd be surprised at the mayhem I bring:
-	Burning a village for kicks;
-	Flaying a native with sticks...
-Back in the trenches with Christopher Robin ...
-Warming my hands over Christopher Robin ...
-Making s'mores over Pooh!
-		-- "Roughhouse at Pooh Corner," to the tune of "House at Pooh
-		   Corner," by three warped students, College of Wooster, 1979
-%
-	CLONE OF MY OWN (to Home on the Range)
-
-Oh, give me a clone
-Of my own flesh and bone
-	With the Y chromosome changed to X.
-And when she is grown,
-My very own clone,
-	We'll be of the opposite sex.
-Chorus:
-	Clone, clone of my own,
-	With the Y chromosome changed to X.
-	And when we're alone,
-	Since her mind is my own,
-	She'll be thinking of nothing but sex.
-		-- Randall Garrett
-%
-Come along and sing a song and join our family.
-B & D
-S & M
-Post to A.S.B.!
-Rope and leather, cuffs and cats, and toys from JTT.
-B & D
-S & M
-Post to A.S.B.!
-A.S.B.!
-	(A.S.B.!)
-A.S.B.!
-	(A.S.B.!)
-Come on now, let's try another tie!
-	(Tie! Tie! Tie!)
-All the kinky folks are here, and some on IRC.
-B & D
-S & M
-Post on A.S.B.!
-		-- To the Mickey Mouse March
-%
-Copa-ulation:
-(to the tune of Copacabana)
-
-Her name was Lola, she was a bimbo, with yellow streamers in her hair,
-She wore see-through underwear, she'd go to discos, and do the go-go,
-And while she tried to be star, Tony jacked off on the bar,
-And when the dance was done, his hand was full of come,
-His favorite drink is cream in coffee,
-Won't you order one?
-
-At the Copa, Copa-ulation ...
-
-Her name was Lola, she was a show-girl,
-But that was thirty years ago, when she still could slurp and blow,
-Now she's a sado, but not for Tony, still in her chains and leather gown,
-She ties Rico to the ground, and fucks that boy half-blind,
-But Rico, he don't mind, there are whips and a lot of beatings,
-But a real good time ...
-%
-Cover your stump before you hump.
-Before you attack her, wrap your wacker.
-Don't be silly... protect your Willie.
-Wrap it in foil before checking her oil.
-If you're not going to sack it, go home and wack it.
-		-- National Condom Week
-%
-Daisy, Daisy, give me your answer true,
-Daisy, Daisy, wouldn't you like to screw?
-I really must beg your pardon,
-But I've got a hell of a hard-on,
-From beating my meat, against the seat,
-Of a bicycle built for two.
-		-- "Daisy, Daisy", "The Dirty Song Book"
-%
-Dark and lonely on a summer night
-	Kill my landlord,
-	Kill my landlord.
-The watchdog barkin'
-Do he bite?
-	Kill my landlord,
-	Kill my landlord.
-Slip in his window.
-Break his neck.
-Then his house I start to wreck
-Got no reason,
-What the heck?
-	Kill my landlord,
-	Kill my landlord.
-	C-I-L-L my landlord!
-		-- "Images" by Tyrone Green, SNL
-%
-Dave has an areoplane,
-In which he likes to frisk.
-Oh what a foolish boy,
-His silly *.
-%
-Dear Lord, observe this bended knee
-This visage meek and humble,
-And hear this confidential plea
-Voiced in reverent mumble:
-	Give me Shylock, give me Fagin
-	But O God spare me Ronald Reagan!
-		-- Ansel Adams
-%
-Do not rejoice in his defeat, you men,
-For though the world stood up
-And stopped the bastard,
-The bitch that bore him is in heat again.
-		-- Bertolt Brecht
-%
-Drop kick me, Jesus, through the goal posts of life,
-End over end, not to the left or the right,
-Straight through the middle of those righteous uprights!
-Drop kick me, Jesus, through the goal posts of life.
-
-Send down our brothers who've gone on before;
-With their assistance, we'll rack up the score!
-The help of the angels, I think, would be fine,
-As long as you put them in the Steelers' front line!
-%
-Eisenhower was very nice,
-Nixon was his only vice.
-		-- C. Degen
-%
-Fed some caviar to my girlfriend
-She was a virgin tried and true
-Now my girlfriend needs no urgin'
-There ain't nothin' she won't do!
-	Caviar comes from a Virgin Sturgeon -
-	Virgin Sturgeon's a very fine fish.
-	Virgin Sturgeon needs no urgin'
-	That's why caviar is my dish!
-
-Fed some caviar to my Grandpa
-He was a man of ninety-three
-Shrieks and screams were heard from Grandma
-He had chased her up a tree!
-	(chorus)
-%
-Filth and old age, I'm sure you will agree,
-Are powerful wardens upon chastity.
-		-- Geoffrey Chaucer
-%
-First you get down on your knees,	Get in line in that processional,
-Fiddle with your rosaries,		Step into that small confessional,
-Bow your head with great respect,	There the guy who's got religion'll
-And genuflect, genuflect, genuflect!	Tell you if your sins' original.
-Do whatever steps you want if		If it is, try playin' it safer,
-You have cleared them with the Pontiff,	Drink the wine and chew the wafer,
-Ev'rybody say his own			Two, four, six eight,
-Kyrie eleison,				Time to transubstantiate!
-Doin' the Vatican Rag.
-
-So get down upon your knees,		Make a cross on your abdomen,
-Fiddle with your rosaries,		When in Rome do like a Roman,
-Bow your head with great respect,	Ave Maria,
-And genuflect, genuflect, genuflect!	Gee, it's good to see ya,
-	Gettin' ecstatic an' sorta dramatic an' Doin' the Vatican Rag!
-		-- Tom Lehrer, "The Vatican Rag"
-%
-Five-foot nine, eyes that shine
-He was born in Palestine
-Has anybody seen my Lord?
-
-He's so cool, he's so fine
-Eat his bread and drink his wine
-Has anybody seen my Lord?
-
-He's so neat, he's so cool,
-Walks across my swimming pool.
-Has anybody...
-%
-For they starve the frightened little child
-Till it weeps both night and day:
-And they scourge the weak, and flog the fool,
-And gibe the old and grey,
-And some grow mad, and all grow bad,
-And none a word may say.
-
-Each narrow cell in which we dwell
-Is a foul and dark latrine,
-And the fetid breath of living Death
-Chokes up each grated screen,
-And all, but Lust, is turned to dust
-In Humanity's machine.
-
-And all men kill the thing they love,
-By all let this be heard,
-Some do it with a bitter look,
-Some with a flattering word,
-The coward does it with a kiss,
-The brave man with a sword.
-		-- Oscar Wilde
-%
-Forgive, O Lord, my little jokes on Thee
-And I'll forgive Thy great big one on me.
-		-- Robert Frost
-%
-From the crystal swirling waters,
-Of the Rio Amazon,
-To the sacred halls of Bayonne,
-Where we stand pajamas on.	(It's the only thing that rhymes.)
-From ev'ry hallowed venue,
-Ev'ry forest, mount and vale,
-Your butt is on the menu
-And the check is in the mail.
-		-- The Piranha Club Anthem, to the tune of "De Camptown Races"
-%
-"Get a load of that chick!"	"Dude -- you gotta ask her out."
-"Weellll, I dunno..."		"Look.  The worst she can say, is 'No'!"
-"Hey!  You're right!"		"I'm always right!"
-"The worst she can say... is 'No'!"
-
-"Idunnoifyou'vebeennoticingmebutI'vebeennoticingyouandIwaswonderingif
-you'd like to go out with me!"
-
-Oh my god you little Geek!
-Get away before I freak!		You ugly, stupid, zitfaced scum,
-I'm a babe and you are not.		You asked me out; you MUST be dumb.
-You can't handle what I've got!		Well you can beg until you're blue,
-I'm too hot, too hot for you..		But you're not even fit to lick my shoe.
-					I'm too hot, too hot for you.
-Ha ha ha!  Don't make me laugh!
-I want a whole man, not a half.		I've got a bitchin' bod and a killer
-You wet your pants, I'm so sure.		face,
-Too bad wimp-itis has no cure.		I'm god's gift to the male race.
-I'm too hot, too hot for you.		I'm the queen of babes supreme,
-					But you'll only see me in you dreams.
-"Well?  What'd she say??"		I'm too hot, too hot for you.
-"Well, she didn't say no..."
- 		-- Barry and the Bookbinders, "The Worst She Can Say is No"
-%
-Gibble gabble gabble gibble gurgle lubble gibble babble beeble triggle
-	Lean closer.
-Libble gabble gabble ibble gurgle gubble tibble babble feeble riggle
-	Smile at her *knowingly*.
-Gibble gabble sabble gibble surgle gubble gibble babble beeble giggle
-	Nod sympathetically.  Show you're on *her* side.
-Bibble gabble gabble babble gurgle gubble gibble tribble beeble figgle
-	Touch her hand lightly.  Nobody understands but we two.
-Fibble gabble fobble gibble gurgle bubble gibble tabble beeble giggle
-	Look sincere.
-
-"Why don't we have the next drink up at MY place?"
-
-	God's gift to women strikes again.
-		-- J. Feiffer
-%
-Gimme that old bisexuality,
-Gimme that old bisexuality,
-Gimme that old bisexuality,
-'Cause it's good enough for me!
-
-It was good for David Bowie,
-It was good for David Bowie,
-It was good for David Bowie,
-And it's good enough for me!
-%
-Good evening Ladies and Gentlemen!
-Here's a little number I tossed up in the Carribean recently...
-
-Isn't it awfully nice to have a Penis,
-isn't it frightfully good to have a Dong.
-
-It's swell to have a Stiffy,
-it's divine to have a Dick,
-from the tinyest little Tadger,
-to the world's greatest Prick.
-
-So, breeches for your Willy or John-Thomas,
-Hooray! for your One Eyed Trouser's Snake.
-
-Your Piece of Pork, your Wife's best friend,
-your Porky or your Cock,
-you can wrap it up in ribbons,
-you can stick it in your sock!
-
-But, don't take it out in public,
-or they will stick you in the dock,
-and you won't come back.
-                -- Monty Python, from "The Meaning of Life"
-%
-Hail to the sun god
-He sure is a fun god
-Ra!  Ra!  Ra!
-%
-Hark, Hark, the dogs do bark
-The Duke is fond of kittens
-He likes to take their insides out
-And use them for his mittens
-		-- The Thirteen Clocks
-%
-He drank with curvy Mabel,
-The pace was fast and furious,
-He slid beneath the table,
-Not drunk but merely curious.
-%
-He grabbed me by my slender neck,
-I could not call or scream.
-He dragged me to his tiny room,
-Where we could not be seen.
-He tore away my filmy wrap,
-And gazed upon my form.
-I so cold and frightened,
-While he so strong and warm.
-He pressed me to his thirsty lips,
-I gave him every drop.
-He drained me of my very self,
-I could not make him stop!
-And that is why you see me here,
-An empty, broken bottle of beer...
-%
-(He opens a tolm and begins.)
-
-	It says: "In the beginning was the Word."
-	Already I am stopped.  It seems absurd.
-	The Word does not deserve the highest prize,
-	I must translate it otherwise.
-	If I am well inspired and not blind.
-	It says: "In the beginning was the Mind."
-	Ponder that first line, wait and see,
-	Lest you should write too hastily.
-	Is the Mind the all-creating source?
-	It ought to say: "In the beginning there was Force."
-	Yet something warns me as I grasp the pen,
-	That my translation must be changed again.
-	The spirit helps me.  Now it is exact.
-	I write: "In the beginning was the Act."
-		-- Goethe's Faust
-%
-He tells you when you've got on too much lipstick,
-And helps you with your girdle when your hips stick.
-		-- O. Nash, on the perfect husband
-%
-Hell hath no limits, nor is circumscribed in one self place,
-for where we are is Hell, and where Hell is there must we ever be.
-		-- Christopher Marlowe, "Doctor Faustus"
-%
-Here I sit, my cheeks a flexin',
-Just gave birth to another Texan.
-%
-Here lies my wife: her let her lie!
-Now she's at rest, and so am I.
-		-- John Dryden, epitaph intended for his wife
-%
-Here's a toast to Screwy Dick,
-The man who was born with a corkscrew prick.
-He spent his life in a futile hunt,
-To find a woman with a spiral cunt.
-And when he did, he dropped stone dead,
-'Cause the blasted thing had a left-hand thread!
-%
-Here's to the girl in little red shoes,
-She drinks my liquor, she drinks my booze,
-She has no cherry, but that's no sin,
-She has the box the cherry came in.
-%
-Here's to the girl that's dressed in black,
-She's dressed so neat there's nothing to lack
-She feels so fine and kisses so sweet
-She makes things stand that have no feet.
-%
-Here's to the girl that's sweet,
-Here's to the girl that's true,
-Here's to the girl in all our hearts...
-
-In other words, guys, what do you say we all go downtown for
-the rest of the night?
-%
-Here's to the woman beautiful and divine
-she flowers every month bears fruit every nine
-she's the only creature 'tween heaven and hell
-can get the juice from a nut without cracking the shell.
-%
-Hickory Dickory Dock,
-Three mice ran up a clock!
-The clock struck one,
-Right in the balls!
-
-There was an old woman,
-Who lived in a shoe,
-Who had so many children,
-Her uterus fell right out.
-%
-Higgledy Piggledy		Coeducational
-Yale University			Extracurricular
-Gave up misogyny		Heterosexual
-Opened its door.		Fun is in store.
-%
-How 'bout them toad suckers, ain't they clods?
-Sittin' there suckin' them green toady frogs!
-
-Suckin' them hop toads, suckin' them chunkers,
-Suckin' them a leapy type, suckin' them flunkers.
-
-Look at them toad suckers, ain't they snappy?
-Suckin' them bog frogs sure make's 'em happy!
-
-Them hugger mugger toad suckers, way down south,
-Stickin' them sucky toads in they mouth!
-
-How to be a toad sucker, no way to duck it,
-Get yourself a toad, rear back, and suck it!
-		-- Mason Williams, "Them Toad Suckers"
-%
-How could they think women a recreation?
-Or the repetition of bodies of steady interest?
-Only the ignorant or the busy could.  That elm
-of flesh must prove a luxury of primes;
-be perilous and dear with rain of an alternate earth.
-Which is not to damn the forested China of touching.
-I am neither priestly nor tired, and the great knowledge
-of breasts with their loud nipples congregates in me.
-The sudden nakedness, the small ribs, the mouth.
-Splendid.  Splendid.  Splendid.  Like Rome.  Like loins.
-A glamour sufficient to our long marvelous dying.
-I say sufficient and speak with earned privilege,
-for my life has been eaten in that foliate city.
-To ambergris.  But not for recreation.
-I would not have lost so much for recreation.
-
-Nor for love as the sweet pretend: the children's game
-of deliberate ignorance of each to allow the dreaming.
-Not for the impersonal belly nor the heart's drunkenness
-have I come this far, stubborn, disasterous way.
-But for relish of those archipelagoes of person.
-To hold her in hand, closed as any sparrow,
-and call and call forever till she turn from bird
-to blowing woods.  From woods to jungle.  Persimmon.
-To light.  From light to princess.  From princess to woman
-in all her fresh particularity of difference.
-Then oh, through the underwater time of night
-indecent and still, to speak to her without habit.
-This I have done with my life, and am content.
-I wish I could tell you how it is in that dark,
-standing in the huge singing and the alien world.
-	-- Jack Gilbert, "Don Giovanni on his way to Hell"
-%
-	"I cannot read the fiery letters," said Frito Bugger in a
-quavering voice.
-	"No," said GoodGulf, "but I can.  The letters are Elvish, of
-course, of an ancient mode, but the language is that of Mordor, which
-I will not utter here.  They are lines of a verse long known in
-Elven-lore:
-
-	"This Ring, no other, is made by the elves,
-	Who'd pawn their own mother to grab it themselves.
-	Ruler of creeper, mortal, and scallop,
-	This is a sleeper that packs quite a wallop.
-	The Power almighty rests in this Lone Ring.
-	The Power, alrighty, for doing your Own Thing.
-	If broken or busted, it cannot be remade.
-	If found, send to Sorhed (with postage prepaid)."
-		-- Harvard Lampoon, "Bored of the Rings"
-%
-I had a dream last night...
-I dreamt about 1976.
-I dreamt about a country with incurable brain damage...
-I even dreamt they gave it a heart transplant.
-Then I woke up and I knew it was only a nightmare...
-so I went back to sleep again.
-		-- Ralph Steadman, "Fear and Loathing '72"
-%
-I have a funny daddy
-Who goes in and out with me
-And everything that baby does
-Daddy's sure to see,
-And everything that baby says,
-My daddy's sure to tell.
-You _m_u_s_t have read my daddy's verse.
-I hope he fries in Hell.
-		-- Ogden Nash
-%
-I hold your hand in mine, dear, I press it to my lips,
-I take a healthy bite from your dainty fingertips,
-My joy would be complete, dear, if you were only here,
-But still I keep your hand as a precious souvenir.
-
-The night you died I cut it off, I really don't know why,
-For now each time I kiss it I get bloodstains on my tie,
-I'm sorry now I killed you, our love was something fine,
-So until they come to get me I will hold your hand in mine.
-		-- Tom Lehrer, "I Hold Your Hand In Mine"
-%
-I know a Polack his name is Cliff,
-Hey-la-de-la-de-la.
-He sticks it in the freezer to get it stiff,
-Hey-la-de-la-de-lo.
-
-I know a girl, her name is Serafina,
-Hey-la-de-la-de-la.
-She'll get down on all fours for a bowl of Purina,
-Hey-la-de-la-de-lo.
-
-I know a girl, her name is Cuffy,
-Hey-la-de-la-de-la.
-She douches with Tide and makes her pubes fluffy,
-Hey la-de-la-de-lo.
-		-- Doctor Dirty
-%
-I love to eat them Smurfies
-Smurfies what I love to eat
-Bite they ugly heads off,
-Nibble on they bluish feet.
-%
-I think the Mormon prophet
-Was a very funny man.
-I wonder how his wives enjoyed
-His Prophet Sharing Plan.
-%
-I wish I was a fascinating lady
-With a past that was cheap and a future that was shady
-I'd sleep all day and I'd work all night
-I'd live in a house with a little red light
-And once a month I'd take a small vacation
-And leave all the men to their imagination
-And once in a while I'd go all wild
-And have myself an illegitimate child
-I wish I were a fascinating lady
-Instead I'm the minister's child
-%
-I'd like to give the world a hug
-And tell it jokes and stuff
-And pull its pants down to its knees
-And chase it through the rough
-
-Then tie it up with bonds and straps
-And search its purse for change
-Then leave it out at Moose Grin Hall
-With our cousin who's deranged ...
-		-- National Lampoon, to an old Coke commercial
-%
-I'm a lover not a dancer!
-I'm a lover not a dancer!
-Don't want to be on my feet,
-When I can be on my back,
-Don't want to be on the floor,
-When I can be in the sack!
-I'm a lover not a dancer!
-I'm a lover not a dancer!
-I'm just a little bit tired
-If you know what I mean,
-Don't want to be in a crowd
-When I can be in a dream!
-I'm a lover not a dancer!
-Baby!
-And, baby, let me prove it to you,
-Baby, let me prove it to you!
-		-- Jim Steinman, "Dance in my Pants"
-%
-I'm glad that I'm an American,
-I'm glad that I am free,
-But I wish I were a little doggy,
-And McGovern were a tree.
-%
-I'm not a pheasant plucker,
-I'm a pheasant plucker's son.
-I'm just a'plucking pheasants
-'Til the pheasant plucker comes.
-		-- The Irish Rovers
-%
-I've been feeling kind of jealous,
-Of all them well-hung fellas,
-Like Michael, Rod, and Mick.		It would have to be a big one,
-Tell me, Doctor can you mend me?	A giant, horny love gun,
-I've a case of penis envy --		To let me be a jock.
-If I only had a dick.			Girls would never beg my pardon,
-					They would turn on to my hardon --
-					If I only had a cock.
-Oh, I can tell you now,
-The number of times I'd score,
-I could fuck girls like			I would not be just a housewife,
-	I never have before,		Living a little mouse-life
-And then I'd cum (wee!)			In days that drag out long.
-And fuck some more!			I would dance and I'd be merry
-					Life would be a ding-a-derry
-					If I only had a dong!
-		-- to "If I Only Had A Brain", The Wizard of Oz
-%
-I've finally found the perfect girl,
-I couldn't ask for more,
-She's deaf and dumb and over-sexed,
-And owns a liquor store.
-%
-If I had a penis I'd wear it outside,
-In cafes and car lots, with pomp and with pride.
-If I had a penis I'd pamper it proper
-I'd stay in the tub and use me as the stopper.
-If I had a penis I'd take it to parties
-Stretch it and stroke it and shove it at smarties.
-I'd take it to pet shows and teach it to stay.
-I'd stuff it in turkeys on Thanksgiving Day.
-
-I'd rival my buddies in sportscars and stick shifts.
-I'd shower my spire with girlies and gifts.
-I'd peek around corners; I'd aim at my toilet;
-I'd poke it at foreigners and soap it and oil it.
-If I had a penis I'd run to my mother;
-Comb out the hair and compare it to brother.
-I'd lance her, I'd knight her, my hands would indulge...
-Pants would seem tighter and buckle and bulge.
-[Chorus]
-	A penis to plunder, a penis to push
-	'Cause one in the hand is worth one in the bush.
-	A penis to love me, a penis to share,
-	To pick up and play with when nobody's there.
-		-- Uncle Bonsai, "Penis Envy"
-%
-If you need anything just whistle.
-You know how to whistle, don't you, Steve?
-Just put your lips together and blow.
-		-- Lauren Bacall, "To Have and Have Not"
-%
-If you'd like to cultivate insomnia,
-Bed down with a pretty girl.
-Amor vincit omnia.
-%
-Immanuel Kant was a real pissant who was very rarely stable.
-Heidegger, Heidegger was a boozy beggar who could think you under the table.
-David Hume could out-consume Schopenhauer and Hegel,
-And Wittgenstein was a beery swine who was just as schloshed as Schlegel.
-There's nothing Nietzsche couldn't teach ya 'bout the raising of the wrist.
-Socrates, himself, was permanently pissed!
-
-John Stuart Mill, of his own free will,
-On half a pint of shandy was particularly ill.
-Plato, they say, could stick it away, half a crate of whiskey every day.
-Aristotle, Aristotle was a bugger for the bottle,
-Hobbes was fond of his dram,
-And Rene Descartes was a drunken fart: "I drink, therefore I am".
-Yes, Socrates, himself, is particularly missed;
-A lovely little thinker but a bugger when he's pissed!
-		-- Monty Python, "The Philosopher's Drinking Song"
-%
-In days of old, when knights were bold,
-	And rubbers weren't invented,
-They tied their socks around their cocks
-	And babies were prevented.
-%
-In her first passion woman loves her lover,
-In all the others all she loves is love.
-		-- George Gordon, Lord Byron, "Don Juan"
-%
-In the days of old,
-When Knights were bold,
-	And women were too cautious;
-Oh, those gallant days,
-When women were women,
-	And men were really obnoxious.
-%
-In the morning, laughing, happy fish heads
-In the evening, floating in the soup.
-	(chorus):
-	Fish heads, fish heads, roly-poly fish heads;
-	Fish heads, fish heads, eat them up. Yum!
-You can ask them anything you want to.
-They won't answer; they can't talk.
-	(chorus)
-I took a fish head out to see a movie,
-Didn't have to pay to get it in.
-	(chorus)
-They can't play baseball; they don't wear sweaters;
-They aren't good dancers; they can't play drums.
-	(chorus)
-Roly-poly fish heads are NEVER seen drinking cappucino in
-Italian restaurants with Oriental women.
-	(chorus)
-Fishy!
-	(chorus)
-		-- Fish Heads
-%
-In youth, it was a way I had
-To do my best to please,
-And change, with every passing lad,
-To suit his theories.
-
-But now I know the things I know,
-And do the things I do;
-And if you do not like me so,
-To hell, my love, with you!
-		-- Dorothy Parker, "Indian Summer"
-%
-It was April the 41st,
-Being a quadruple leap year.
-I was driving in down-town Atlantis.
-My Barracuda was in the shop,
-So I was in a rented stingray
-	-- and it was over-heating.
-So, I pulled into a Shell station.
-They said I'd blown a seal.
-I said "Fix the damned thing and leave my private
-	life out of it, okay pal?"
-While they were doing that,
-I walked over to the Oyster Bar.
-	A real dive.
-But I knew the owner.
-He used to play for the Dolphins
-I said "Hi, Gil!"
-You have to yell
-	-- he's hard of herring.
-		-- Kip Adotta, "Wet Dream"
-%
-Jack an Jill went up the hill.
-Jill went down,
-Jack came.
-%
-Jack and Jill 
-Went up the hill,
-Each had a buck and a quarter!
-Jill came down,
-With two and a half,
-You think they went for water?
-%
-Jack and Jill went up a hill
-To fetch a pail of water.
-Jack fell down and broke his crown	Jack on Jill produced a thrill
-And Jill came tumbling after.		When on the ground he got her,
-					Then went down and told the town
-					He tumbled Jill and gaffed her.
-Jack to Jill thus did such ill
-That Jill, to pay the rotter,
-Told the town Jack's crown broke down	Jack and Jill have split the bill
-When he set out to shaft her.		Since Jack led Jill to totter.
-					Half the town deals Jill a frown
-					And half greets Jack with laughter.
-%
-Jack be nimble, Jack be quick,
-Jack jumped over the candle stick.
-But Jack wasn't so nimble,
-Jack wasn't so quick,
-So Jack's in the hospital, with a burned up dick!
-%
-Jack be nimble, Jack be quick.
-Jack jumped over the candle stick,
-And burnt his balls.
-%
-jake hates
-	  all the girls(the
-shy ones, the bold		paul scorns all
-ones; the meek				       the girls(the
-proud sloppy sleek)		bright ones, the dim
-all except the cold		ones; the slim
-		   ones		plump tiny tall)
-				all except the
-					      dull ones
-gus loves all the
-		 girls(the
-warped ones, the lamed		mike likes all the girls
-ones; the mad						(the
-moronic maimed)			fat ones, the lean
-all except			ones; the mean
-	  the dead ones		kind dirty clean)
-				all
-				   except the green ones
-		-- e e cummings
-%
-Kill Kill,
-Hate Hate,
-Murder, Maim, and Mutilate!
-%
-Kitten with a whip,	Teddy bear in chains,	Puss in leather boots,
-tail, swish swish,	spread on a bed;	rising thigh high;
-take what you will,	fantasy games,		black rubber suits;
-get what you wish.	deep in your head.	making him cry.
-
-Squirm from the blows,	Now pussy's all hot,	Teddy bear sighs;
-writhe from the pain;	from the power trip;	kitty's on top;
-but teddy bear knows,	ready or not,		there's fire in her eyes,
-that he wants it again.	next swing's from	and the cat won't stop.
-				the hip.
-
-The world explodes,	Teddy's still tied;	Kitten with a whip,
-her claws dig in;	lying all alone;	tail, swish swish,
-then kitty cat goes,	even if he tried,	take what you will,
-cause she's through	he couldn't go home.	get what you wish.
-	with him.
-		-- Kitten With A Whip
-%
-Left a good broad by the river,
-Traveled back into town just to get some rest!
-Waited for 10 hours,
-Went back to the river,
-But I couldn't get her out of that mess!
-
-chorus:
-	Poor Mary Jo Kopechne,
-	Dead Mary Jo Kopechne,
-	Rollin'... rollin'... rollin' down the window!
-
-If you're gonna run for office,
-And you know that it's an election year.
-Don't go in the river,
-'Specially by way of bridges,
-It could put an end to your political career!
-(chorus)
-		-- Poor Mary Jo, to the tune of "Proud Mary"
-%
-Leprosy, all my skin is falling off of me.
-I'm not half the man I used to be.
-Oh, how did I get leprosy?
-
-Syphillis, it all started with a simple kiss.
-Now it even hurts to take a piss.
-Oh why did I get syphillis?
-
-Why'd she have VD?  I don't know, she wouldn't say.
-I did something wrong, now I long for yesterday ....
-		-- "Leprosy," to the tune of "Yesterday"
-%
-Let's love each other slowly,
-reaching for a plane,
-of exquisite pleasure,
-and delicate pain.
-		-- Adam Beslove
-%
-Like private parts to the Gods are we,
-they play with us for their sport.
-		-- Lord Melchett (Blackadder 2)
-%
-Lions in the street and roaming,
-Dogs in heat, rabid, foaming,
-A beast caged in the heart of the city.
-The body of his mother lying in the summer ground,
-He fled the town.
-Went down south across the border,
-Left the chaos and disorder
-Back there, over his shoulder.
-One morning he awoke in a green hotel,
-A strange creature groaning beside him.
-Sweat oozed from its shiny skin.
-Is everybody in?  The ceremony is about to begin.
-		-- Jim Morrison, "Celebration of the Lizard"
-%
-Lipstick on your dipstick told a tale on you,
-Lipstick on your dipstick said you were untrue.
-Bet your bottom dollar you and I are through,
-'Cause lipstick on your dipstick told a tale on you.
-		-- To the tune of "Lipstick On Your Collar"
-%
-Little Johnny with a grin,
-Drank up all of daddy's gin,
-Mother said, when he was plastered,
-Go to bed, you little ... love-child.
-%
-Little Mary on the ice,
-Went out to have a frisk,
-Now wasn't little Mary nice,
-Her pretty *?
-%
-Little Miss Muffet sat on a tuffet,
-Eating her curds and whey.
-Along came a spider,
-And bit her right in the snatch.
-%
-Little Miss Muffet sat on a tuffet,
-Her knickers all tattered and torn.
-For it wasn't a spider that sat down beside her,
-But Little Boy Blue with his horn!
-%
-Little Miss Muffet,
-Sat on her tuffet,
-Smoking some THC.
-Along came a narc'er who sat down beside her
-And said, "So... what's in the bag, bitch?!"
-%
-Love is a word that is constantly heard,
-Hate is a word that is not.
-Love, I am told, is more precious than gold.
-Love, I have read, is hot.
-But hate is the verb that to me is superb,
-And Love but a drug on the mart.
-Any kiddie in school can love like a fool,
-But Hating, my boy, is an Art.
-		-- Ogden Nash
-%
-Love to eat them mousies,
-Mousies I love to eat.
-Bite they little heads off,
-Nibble at they tiny feet.
-		-- Kliban
-%
-	Love's Drug
-
-My love is like an iron wand 
-	That conks me on the head,
-My love is like the valium 
-	That I take before my bed,
-My love is like the pint of scotch 
-	That I drink when I be dry;
-And I shall love thee still, my dear,
-	Until my wife is wise.
-%
-Man's lust for a bust is hardly recent,
-Some say not even indecent.
-But if you lust,
-It's a must!
-%
-Mary had a little lamb,
-It's fleece as white as snow.
-It followed her to school one day,
-And got fucked by a big black dog.
-%
-Mary had a little lamb,
-She kept it in a bucket.
-And every time she let it out,
-The bulldog used to ...
-Umm, chase it around the garden.
-%
-Mary had a little lamb,
-The lamb turned out to be a ram,
-Now Mary has a little lamb.
-%
-Mary had a little lamb, its fleece was white as snow,
-And everywhere that Mary went, the lamb was sure to go.
-It followed her through rain or snow, lightning, sleet or hail.
-It fetched the evening paper, her slippers, and the mail.
-She never had a moment's peace; the lamb was always on her heels,
-And on her feet its head would rest, while she ate her meals.
-It followed her to school one day, the devotion never ended.
-The lamb waltzed into her history class and Mary got suspended.
-The night she went to Senior Prom, she thought she had him beat,
-Until she heard a mournful "Baaa" coming from her car's seat.
-Oh, Mary had a little lamb, it surely didn't please her.
-So for dinner she had lambchops; the rest is in the freezer.
-		-- Alma Garcia
-%
-Mary had a little sheep,
-And with the sheep she went to sleep,
-The sheep turned out to be a ram,
-And Mary had a little lamb.
-%
-Mary had a little watch;
-She swallowed it one day.
-And so she took some Ex-Lax
-To pass the time away.
-
-But when she took the Ex-Lax
-The time it did not pass.
-So when you want to know the time,
-Just look up Mary's ... Uncle.
-
-(He has a watch, too)
-%
-Me father makes book on the corner,
-Me mother makes second hand gin,
-Me sister makes love for a dollar,
-And that's how the money rolls in!
-
-	Rolls in, rolls in, just look how the money rolls in!
-		(Rolls in!)
-	Rolls in, rolls in, just look how the money rolls in!
-
-Me father sells cheap prophylactics,
-Me mum pokes the tips with a pin,
-Me sister performs the abortions,
-And that's how the money rolls in!
-
-Me uncle's a poor missionary,
-He saves fallen women from sin.
-He'll save you a blonde for five dollars,
-And that's how the money rolls in.
-%
-Men have many faults,
-	Women only two:
-Everything they say,
-	And everything they do!
-%
-Missed the train at the railway station
-Oh hell, blast, and damnation!
-Asked a lady in there if she had the time,
-She said "Yes", and a strong inclination.
-%
-Mistress Mary, quite contrary,
-How does your garden grow?
-With silver bells and cockle shells,
-And one really fucked-up petunia.
-%
-
-Money cannot buy
-The fuel of love
-but is excellent kindling.
-
-To the man-in-the-street, who, I'm sorry to say,
-Is a keen observer of life,
-The word intellectual suggests right away
-A man who's untrue to his wife.
-		-- W.H. Auden, "Collected Shorter Poems"
-%
-Much to his Mum and Dad's dismay, Horace ate himself one day.
-He didn't stop to say his grace, he just sat down and ate his face.
-"We can't have this!" his Dad declared, "If that lad's ate, he should
-	be shared."
-But even as he spoke they saw Horace eating more and more:
-First his legs and then his thighs, his arms, his nose, his hair, his eyes...
-"Stop him someone!" Mother cried, "Those eyeballs would be better fried!"
-But all too late, for they were gone, and he had started on his dong...
-"Oh! foolish child!" the father mourns "You could have deep-fried that
-	with prawns,
-Some parsley and and some tartar sauce..."
-But H. was on his second course: his liver and his lights and lung,
-His ears, his neck, his chin, his tongue; "To think I raised him from the cot,
-And now he's going to scoff the lot!"
-His Mother cried: "What shall we do?  What's left won't even make a stew..."
-And as she wept, her son was seen, to eat his head, his heart his spleen.
-and there he lay: a boy no more, just a stomach on the floor...
-None the less, since it *was* his, they ate it -- that's what haggis is.
-%
-My travel agent's an Oxford chap 
-Who rolls his eyes when he speaks.
-I asked him about the Isle of Man 
-For a journey of about six weeks.
-And this is what he said to me 
-As he looked me right in the eye,
-"For a far-out trip, try an ice cream dip 
-Of Elephant Shit On Rye."
-
-A brand-new store just opened its door
-At the corner of 5th and Vine
-And I happened to be standing right outside
-When they turned on their neon sign.
-I heard a strange sound, I looked around,
-And that's when I almost died,
-They nearly knocked me down to be the first in town
-To get their Elephant Shit On Rye!
-%
-Nature and nature's laws lay hid in night,
-God said, "Let Newton be," and all was light.
-
-It did not last; the devil howling "Ho!
-Let Einstein be!" restored the status quo.
-%
-Nobody loves me,
-Everybody hates me,
-I think I'll go out and eat worms.
-I'm gonna cut their heads off,
-Eat their insides out,
-And throw way the skins.
-Big, fat, juicy ones,
-Little, skinny, cute ones,
-Watch how they wiggle and they squirm.
-%
-Now of a maid, I'll sing a song,
-Sing, rikkity-tikkity-tin.
-Now of a maid, I'll sing a song,	She didn't like her Uncle Zeke,
-Who didn't keep her family long.	Sing, rikkity-tikkity-tin,
-Not only did she do them wrong,		She didn't like her Uncle Zeke,
-She did every one of them in, them in,	And so she drowned him in the creek.
-She did every one of them in.		The water we had was bad for a week,
-					So we had to make do with gin, with gin,
-She weighted her father down with stones.  We had to make do with gin.
-Sing, rikkity-tikkity-tin.
-She weighted her father down with stones,  Her mother she could never stand,
-And sent him off to Davy Jones.		Sing, rikkity-tikkity-tin.
-All that we ever found were bones,	Her mother she could never stand,
-And occasional pieces of skin, of skin, And so a cyanide soup she planned.
-Occasional pieces of skin.	     Her mother died with the spoon in her hand,
-					And her face in a hideous grin, a grin.
-She set her sister's hair on fire,	Her face in a hideous grin.
-Sing, rikkity-tikkity-tin.
-She set her sister's hair on fire,	One day, when she had nothing to do,
-And as the smoke and flames grew higher,  Sing, rikkity-tikkity-tin.
-She danced around the funeral pyre,	One day, when she had nothing to do,
-Playing the violin, -olin,		She cut her baby brother in two,
-Playing the violin.			And served him up as an Irish stew,
-					And invited the neighbors in, -bors in,
-And when at last the police came by,	Invited the neighbors in.
-Sing, rikkity-tikkity-tin.
-And when, at last, the police came by,	For to do so she would have to lie,
-Her little pranks she did nor deny,	And lying, she knew, was a sin, a sin,
-					Lying she knew was a sin.
-		-- "Rikkity-tikkity-tin"
-%
-O!  If I were a fish
-I'd lay hap'ly on my dish.
-Yes, that's my one and only wish --
-To be a fish!
-
-For fish don't ever mish;
-They needn't flush after they pish!
-Yes, and life's just swish, swish, swish,
-For all the fish!!!
-%
-Oh Father, my Father, Oh what must I do?
-They're burning our streets and beating me blue.
-"Listen my son, I'll tell you the truth:
-Get a close haircut and spit-shine your shoes."
-
-Oh Mother, my Mother, my confusions remove,
-I long to embrace her whose hair is so smooth.
-"Now listen my son, although you're confused,
-Cut your hair close and shine all your shoes."
-
-Oh Teacher, my Teacher, your life with me share.
-What books ought I read?  What thoughts do I dare?
-"Oh Student, my Student, of dissent you beware.
-Shine those dull shoes and cut short your hair."
-
-Oh Preacher, my Preacher, does God really care?
-Are all races equal?  Are laws just and fair?
-"Boy -- here's the answer, no need to despair:
-Shine those new shoes and cut short that hair."
-%
-Oh freddled gruntbuggly, thy micturations are to me
-As plurdled gabbleblotchits on a lurgid bee.
-Groop I implore thee, my foonting turlingdromes,
-And hooptiously drangle me with crinkly bindlewurdles,
-Or I will rend thee in the goblerwarts with my blurglecruncheon,
-	see if I don't.
-		-- Prostetnic Vogon Jeltz
-%
-Oh give me a home, where the bookmakers roam,
-Where the beer and the whiskey flows free,
-Where never is heard, a discouraging word,
-And the call-girls keep callin' for me!
-%
-Oh I'm just a typical American boy
-From a typical American town.
-I believe in God and Senator Dodd
-And keeping old Castro down.
-And when it came my time to serve
-I knew "Better Dead Than Red",
-But when I got to my old draft board,
-Buddy, this is what I said:
-
-Chorus:
-	Sarge, I'm only eighteen, I've got a ruptured spleen,
-	And I always carry a purse!
-	I've got eyes like a bat and my feet are flat,
-	And my asthma's getting worse!
-	Yes, think of my career and my sweetheart dear,
-	And my poor old invalid aunt!
-	Besides I ain't no fool, I'm a-going to school
-	And I'm a-working in a defense plant!
-		-- Phil Ochs, "Draft Dodger Rag"
-%
-Oh, I could while away the hours,
-Smoking herbs and flowers,
-Shooting up my veins,
-	De-dum, De-dum, De-dum
-Tell you, I've been a-thinkin'
-I could drive a shiny Lincoln,
-If I dealt in good cocaine.
-		-- To If I Only Had A Brain from "The Wizard of Oz"
-%
-Oh, I'm looking over, my dead dog Rover,
-That got run over with my mower.
-One leg is missing, and one other is gone,
-The fourth one is scattered all over the lawn.
-It's no use explain'n, the one remaining,
-It landed by the kitchen door.
-Oh, I'm looking over, my dead dog rover,
-that ain't gonna walk no more...
-		-- Tune is something about a four-leaf clover.
-%
-Old King Cole was a merry old soul,
-A merry old soul was he.
-He called for his pipe,
-And he called for his drums,
-And he fiddled with his call girls three.
-%
-Old McDonald had a farm,
-E-I-E-I-O!
-And on this farm he had some chicks,
-E-I-E-I-O!
-With a chick-chick here,
-And a chick-chick there,
-Here a chick,
-There a chick,
-Everywhere a chick-chick,
-Old McDonald lost his farm
-'Cause he had too many chicks!
-%
-Old Mother Hubbard,
-Went to the cubbard,
-To get her poor doggie a bone.
-
-But when she stooped over,
-Old Rover, he drove her.
-You see, he had a bone of his own.
-%
-Once Law was sitting on the bench
-	And Mercy knelt a-weeping.
-"Clear out!" he cried, "disordered wench!
-	Nor come before me creeping.
-Upon you knees if you appear,
-'Tis plain you have no standing here."
-
-Then Justice came.  His Honor cried:
-	"YOUR states? -- Devil seize you!"
-"Amica curiae," she replied --
-	"Friend of the court, so please you."
-"Begone!" he shouted -- "There's the door --
-I never saw your face before!"
-		-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
-%
-Ouch mosquito, silent by night,
-Why pierce my skin, so white?
-You grow plump, as a leech.
-Stop!  I beseech (in vein).
-
-I have no choice.
-Why waste my voice,
-When only a slap will do?
-Ouch, I am bitten!
-What ho, you are smitten!
-Yo mosquito, fuck you.
-		-- Mitchell Peck, "Ouch, Mosquito"
-%
-Our universe itself keeps on expanding and expanding,
-In all of the directions it can whiz;
-As fast as it can go, that's the speed of light, you know,
-Twelve million miles a minute and that's the fastest speed there is.
-So remember, when you're feeling very small and insecure,
-How amazingly unlikely is your birth;
-And pray that there's intelligent life somewhere out in space,
-'Cause there's bugger all down here on Earth!
-		-- Monty Python, "The Meaning of Life"
-%
-Piddle, twiddle, and resolve,
-Not one damn thing do we solve.
-		-- 1776
-%
-Pillage, rape, and loot and burn, but all in moderation.
-If you do the things we say, then you'll soon rule the nation.
-Kill your foes and enemies and then kill your relations.
-Pillage, rape, and loot and burn, but all in moderation.
-		-- "Plunderer's Theme," to the tune of
-		   "Supercaligragilisticexpialidocius" 
-%
-Posterity will ne'er survey
-A nobler grave than this;
-Here lie the bones of Castlereagh;
-Stop, traveler, and piss.
-		-- Lord Byron, on Lord Castlereagh
-%
-Puff the Jewish dragon lived in Palestine, 
-And frollicked in the Autumn mist,
-And drank Manishiewitz wine.
-Little Rabbi Jacob loved that rascal Puff,
-And brought him soup and Matzah balls,
-And other kosher stuff.
-
-Then one day it happened, Puff was eating pork.
-Little Rabbi Jacob took that dragon for a walk.
-Gently he explained that dragons don't eat meat,
-That come from little piggies who have dirty filthy feet.
-%
-Reefers and roach clips and papers and rollers
-Cocaine and procaine for twenty year molars
-Reds and peyote to work out your bugs
-These are a few of my favorite drugs.
-
-Uppers and downers and methedrine freakout
-Take some amphetamines, watch your brains leak out
-Acid and mescaline pull out your plugs
-These are a few of my favorite drugs.
-
-Backs that are perfect for carrying monkeys
-Users of heroin, often called junkies
-Methadone helps then to stop being thugs
-Takes them off one of my favorite drugs.
-
-	On a bad trip
-	When the cops come
-	When I lose my head
-	I simply take more of my favorite drugs
-	And then I'm not sad -- I'm dead!
-		-- "My Favorite Drugs," to the tune of "My Favorite Things"
-%
-San Francisco is my kind of city,
-Where the women are strong and the men are pretty.
-%
-Santa Claus wears a red suit.
-He's a Communist.
-
-He has long hair and a beard.
-Must be a pacifist.
-
-And what's in the pipe that he's smoking?
-
-Santa Claus comes in your house at night.
-He must be a dope fiend to get you up tight.
-
-Why do police guys beat on peace guys?
-		-- Arlo Guthrie, "The Pause of Mr. Claus"
-%
-Send lawyers, guns, and money,
-The shit has hit the fan.
-		-- Warren Zevon
-%
-Sex and drugs and rock and roll,
-Is all my brain and body need.
-Sex and drugs and rock and roll,
-Are very good indeed.
-
-Take your silly ways,
-Throw them out the window,
-The wisdom of your ways,
-I've been there and I know,
-Lots of other ways...
-		-- Ian Drury, "New Boots and Panties"
-%
-Sex is great,
-Sex is grand,
-Sex around here,
-Is mostly by hand.
-%
-Share and enjoy, share and enjoy.
-Journey through life with a plastic boy or girl by your side.
-Let your pal be your guide.
-And when it breaks down or starts to annoy,
-	or grinds when it moves and gives you no joy,
-	'cause it digs up your hat,
-	or has sex with your cat,
-	sprays oil on your wall or rips off your door,
-	and you get to the point you can't stand any more.
-Bring it to us, we won't give a shit.
-We'll tell you: "Go stick your head in a pig".
-%
-She never liked zippers, she said,
-Until she opened one in bed.
-%
-She was bred in ol' Kentucky
-But she's just a crumb up here
-She was knock-knee'd and double-jointed
-With a cauliflower ear
-Someday we will be married
-And if vegetables become too dear
-I'll just cut me a slice of
-Her cauliflower ear!
-		-- Curly Howard, "The Three Stooges"
-%
-She's such a kinky girl,
-The kind you don't take home to mother.
-She will never let your spirits down
-Once you get her off the street.
-%
-So now
-that you have-
-
-you know, whoever
-
-you're trying
-to do
-
-a favor
-for
-
--you've done it-
-
-and I'm sure
-you had
-
-a smirk
-on your mouth
-
-as you got me
-into this.
-	-- "To Linda", from The Poetry Of H. Ross Perot,
-	   composed for Linda Wertheimer of National Public Radio.
-	   From SPY Magazine, November 1992
-%
-So, good night, you moonlit ladies,
-Rock-a-bye sweet baby James.
-Deep greens and blues are the colors I choose,
-Won't you let me go down in my dreams?
-And rock-a-bye sweet baby James.
-		-- James Taylor, "Rock-a-bye Sweet Baby James"
-%
-Sodomy, fellatio, cunnilingus, pederasty,
-Father, why do these words sound so nasty?
-		-- Hair
-%
-SOLOIST:				MOUNTIES:
-I'm a lumberjack and I'm OK,		He's a lumberjack and he's OK,
-I sleep all night and I work all day.	He sleeps all night and he works
-					all day.
-
-I cut down trees, I eat my lunch,	He cuts down trees, he eats his lunch,
-I go to the lavatory.			He goes to the lavatory.
-On Wednesday I go shopping,		On Wednesday he goes shopping,
-And have buttered scones for tea.	And has buttered scones for tea.
-
-I cut down trees, I skip and jump,	He cuts down trees, he skips and jumps,
-I like to press wild flowers,		He likes to press wild flowers.
-I put on women's clothing,		He puts on women's clothing,
-And hang around in bars.		And hangs around in bars.
-
-I cut down trees, I wear high heels,	He cuts down trees, he wears high heels,
-Suspenders and a bra.			Suspenders?  and a bra?
-I wish I'd been a girlie,		That's rude...
-Just like my dear Pappa.
-%
-Somebody's moggy, by the side of the road,
-Somebody's pussy, who forgot his highway code,
-Somebody's favourite feline, who ran clean out of luck,
-When he ran onto the road, and tried to argue with a truck.
-
-Yesterday he purred and played, in his pussy paradise,
-Decapitating tweety birds, and masticating mice.
-Now he's just six pounds of raw mince meat,
-That don't smell very nice --
-He's nobody's moggy now.
-
-Oh you who love your pussy,
-Be sure to keep him in.
-Don't let him argue with a truck,	If he tries to play
-The truck is bound to win.		On the road way
-And upon the busy road,			I'm afraid that will be that,
-Don't let him play or frolic.		There will be one last despairing
-If you do, I'm warning you,			"Meow!"
-It could be cat-astrophic!		And a sort of squelchy Splat!
-					And your pussy will be slightly dead,
-He's nobody's moggy --			And very, very flat!
-Just red and squashed and soggy --
-He's nobody's moggy now.
-		-- Eric Bogle, "Scraps of Paper"
-%
-Starkle, starkle, little twink,
-Who the hell you are I think
-I'm not as drunk as thinkle peep
-I'm just a little slort of sheep.
-Tee martoonis make a guy,
-Feel so woozy, I don't know why.
-So mass the pixer and kill my fup
-I've all day sober to sunday up.
-%
-Tequila my girl, is deceiving:
-Take two at the very most.
-Take three and you're under the table,
-Take four and you're under the host.
-%
-The blacksmith told me before he died,
-And I have no reason to believe that he lied,
-That no matter how he tried,
-His wife was never satisfied!
-
-And so he built a bloody great wheel,
-Harnessed to a cock of steel,
-Two balls of brass were filled with cream,
-And the whole damn thing was driven by steam.
-
-Round and round went the bloody great wheel,
-In and out went the cock of steel,
-Till at last the maiden cried,
-"Enough! Enough! I am satisfied!"
-
-And now we come to the crucial bit --
-There was no way of stopping it.
-And she was split from hole to hole,
-And the whole fucking thing was covered in shit...
-%
-The mind is its own place, and in itself
-Can make a Heaven of Hell, a Hell of Heaven.
-What matter where, if I be still the same,
-And what I should be, all but less than he
-Whom thunder hath made greater? here at least
-We shall be free; the almighty hath not built
-Here for his envy, will not drive us hence;
-Here we may reign secure, and, in my choice,
-To reign is worth ambition, though in Hell:
-Better to reign in Hell than serve in Heaven.
-		-- Satan, Milton's "Paradise Lost", I, 254-263
-%
-The orders come down and they march us away.
-There's a battle outside and we join in the fray.
-God, it's hell when you know this could be your last day,
-But it's better than working for Xerox.
-		-- Frank Hayes, "Don't Ask"
-%
-The poor little doe
-Crawled out of the woods,
-Tired, bedraggled and blue.
-"Look," she said, "What I did for a buck,
-I should have asked for two!"
-%
-The rich man uses vaseline,
-	The poor man uses lard;
-The worker uses axle grease
-	But gets it twice as hard.
-%
-The sun was shining brightly		The breeze was blowing briskly,
-And I could hardly wait,		It made the flowers sway,
-To ponder at my window			The garden was enchanting
-And gaze at my estate.			On this inspiring day.
-
-My eyes fell on a little bird,		I smiled at him cheerfully
-With a beautiful yellow bill,		And gave him a crust of bread,
-I beckoned him to come and light	And then I closed the window
-Upon my window sill.			And smashed his fucking head.
-		-- "Good Morning", Debbie Smith
-%
-There are Jews in the world, there are Buddhists,	Every sperm is sacred,
-there are Hindus and Mormons and then			Every sperm is great,
-there are those that follow Mohammed  ...But...		If a sperm is wasted,
-I've never been one of them.				God gets quite irate.
-
-I am a Roman Catholic					Every sperm is wanted,
-And have been since before I was born,			Every sperm is good.
-And the one thing they say about Catholics is		Every sperm is needed,
-They'll take you as soon as you're warm.		In your neighborhood.
-
-You don't have to be a six-footer.		Let the heathens spill theirs,
-You don't have to have a great brain.		On the dusty ground.
-You don't have to have any clothes on,		God shall make them pay for
-You're a Catholic the moment Dad came		Each sperm that can't be found.
-...Because...
-
-Hindu, Taoist, Mormon,				Every sperm is useful,
-spill theirs just anywhere			Every sperm is fine.
-but God loves those who treat their		God needs everybodies,
-semen with more care.				Mine, and mine, and mine.
-		-- Monty Python, "Every Sperm is Sacred"
-%
-There were the Scots
-Who kept the Sabbath
-And everything else they could lay their hands on.
-Then there were the Welsh
-Who prayed on their knees and their neighbors.
-Thirdly there were the Irish
-Who never knew what they wanted
-But were willing to fight for it anyway.
-Lastly there were the English
-Who considered themselves a self-made nation
-Thus relieving the Almighty of a dreadful responsibility.
-%
-This land is full of trousers!
-this land is full of mausers!
-	And pussycats to eat them when the sun goes down!
-		-- Firesign Theater
-%
-This land is made of mountains,
-This land is made of mud,
-This land has lots of everything,
-For me and Elmer Fudd.
-
-This land has lots of trousers,
-This land has lots of mousers,
-And pussycats to eat them
-When the sun goes down.
-%
-Tiddely Quiddely
-Edward M. Kennedy
-Quite unaccountably
-Drove in a stream.
-
-Pleas of amnesia
-Incomprehensible
-Possibly shattered
-Political dream.
-%
-'Twas orgy, and the hip and mod
-Did groove and trip out at the pad:	"Beware the Radcliff girl, my son!
-All whimsy were the slamming chicks,	The looks that mell, the claws that
-And the Radcliffe undergrad.			catch!
-					Beware the Byrn Mawr deb, and shun
-He took his venerable staff in hand:	The uppity Wellesleysnatch!"
-Long time the cool young stuff he
-	sought --			And as in raffish thought he sprawled,
-So rested he among the spree		The Radcliffe girl, no idle flirt,
-And paused to smoke some pot.		Crept past the hippies getting balled
-					And doffed her miniskirt.
-One, two!  One, two!  And through
-	and through			"And hast thou laid the Radcliffe girl?
-The venerable staff went snicker-snack!	Come to my arms, my horny boy!
-He left her bred, sans maidenhead,	O spaced-out day!  Calooh!  Callay!"
-And went galumphing back.		He cackled in his joy.
-
-'Twas orgy, and the hip and mod
-Did groove and trip out at the pad:
-All whimsy were the slamming chicks,
-And the Radcliffe undergrad.
-%
-'Twas the night before Christmas -- the very last one --
-When the blazing of lasers destroyed all our fun.
-Just as Santa had lifted off, driving his sleigh,
-A satellite spotted him making his way.
-The Star Wars Defense System -- Reagan's desire
-Was ready for action, and started to fire!
-The laser beams criss-crossed and lit up the sky
-Like a fireworks show on the Fourth of July.
-I'd just finished wrapping the last of the toys
-When out of my chimney there came a great noise.
-I looked to the fireplace, hoping to see
-St. Nick bringing presents for missus and me.
-But what I saw next was disturbing and shocking:
-A flaming red jacket setting fire to my stocking!
-Charred reindeer remains and a melted sleigh-bell;
-Outside burning toys like confetti they fell.
-So now you know, children, why Christmas is gone:
-The Star Wars computer had got something wrong.
-Only programmed for battle, it hadn't a heart;
-'Twas hardly a chance it would work from the start.
-It couldn't be tested, and no one could tell,
-If the crazy contraption would work very well.
-So after a trillion or two had been spent
-The system thought Santa a Red missle sent.
-So kids dry your tears now, and get off to bed,
-There won't be a Christmas -- since Santa is dead.
-%
-Virginity is a bubble on the sea of life,
-which takes but one prick to break.
-		-- Jordan Sand
-%
-Was it you that did the pushin',
-Left the stains upon the cushion,
-The footprints on the dashboard upside-down?
-Was it you, you little pecker,
-That got into my Rebecca,
-If you did, you'd better leave this town!
-
-Yes, 'twas I that did the pushin',
-Left the stains upon the cushion,
-Footprints on the dashboard upside-down.
-But since I stuck your daughter,
-I've had trouble passin' water,
-So I guess we're kind of even all around!
-%
-We
-own
-this land.
-
-I don't spend
-any time
-on this land.
-
-This
-is a tiny
-little piece
-
-of my
-business
-interests.
-
-It's like
-a grain
-of sand.
-	-- "Alliance Airport, from The Poetry Of H. Ross Perot,
-	   recited on ABC's Town Meeting, June 29, 1992.
-	   From SPY Magazine, November 1992
-%
-We boggies are a hairy folk		Ever hungry, ever thirsting,
-Who like to eat until we choke.		Never stop till belly's bursting.
-Loving all like friend and brother,	Chewing chop and pork and muttons,
-And hardly ever eat each other.		A merry race of boring gluttons.
-
-Sing: GOBBLE, GOBBLE, GOBBLE, GOBBLE, GOBBLE, GOBBLE, GOBBLE, GOBBLE.
-
-Boggies gather 'round the table,	Anything edible, we've got dibs on,
-Eat as much as you are able.		And hope we all die with our bibs on.
-Gorge yourselves from moon till noon	Ever gay, we'll never grow up,
-(Don't forget your plate and spoon.)	Come! And sing and play and throw-up!
-
-Sing: GOBBLE, GOBBLE, GOBBLE, GOBBLE, GOBBLE, GOBBLE, GOBBLE, GOBBLE!
-		-- Bored of the Rings, "The Hobbits National Anthem"
-%
-We love our little Johnny
-He's the best little boy in all the world
-And we wouldn't trade him for anything
-That's how much we love him.
-No, we couldn't live without him
-So that's why, since he died,
-We keep him safe in our G.E. freezer.
-He's so good, so well-behaved,
-Even better than before;
-Oh, such a wonderful kid he is.
-Alice and me, we'll never be lonely,
-Never miss our little Johnny,
-He'll never grow up and leave us
-That's why we love him like we do.
-		-- Mr. Mincemeat
-%
-We must!  We must!
-We must increase our bust!
-The bigger the better!
-The tighter the sweater!
-And the boys will think more of us!
-%
-We will follow Zarathustra,		We will worship like the Druids,
-Zarathustra like we use to,		Dancing naked in the woods,
-I'm a Zarathustra booster,		Drinking strange fermented fluids,
-And he's good enough for me!		And it's good enough for me!
-(chorus)				(chorus)
-
-In the church of Aphrodite,
-The priestess wears a see through nightie,
-She's a mighty righteous sightie,
-And she's good enough for me!
-(chorus)
-
-CHORUS:	Give me that old time religion,
-	Give me that old time religion,
-	Give me that old time religion,
-	'Cause it's good enough for me!
-%
-Well, actually, I don't mind going to weddings or anything, as long as they're
-not my own, I show up, but uh, I've always kinda been partial to callin' myself
-up on the phone, asking myself out, y'know, yeah, one thing about it, you're
-always around.  Yeah, I know, yeah, you ask yourself out, y'know, some class
-joint somewhere, the Burrito King, or somethin', y'know, well, I ain't cheap
-y'know.  Take yourself out for a coupla drinks, mebbe, then you eat, some
-provocative conversation on the way home, and uh, park in front of the house,
-y'know, and you, oh yeah, you smoo with yourself, put a little nice music on,
-mebbe you put on like, uh, y'know, like shoppin' music, something that's not
-too interruptive, y'know, and then uh, y'know, slide over real nice, and say,
-"Oh, I think you have something in your eye", well, maybe it's not that
-romantic with you, but I don't, y'know, I get into it, y'know, I take myself
-up to the porch, and uh, take myself inside, maybe, oh, I might get a little
-something in a brandy snifter, "Would you like to listen to some of my back
-records, I got something here...", well, usually, about two-thirty in the
-morning, you've ended up takin' advantage of yourself, and there ain't no way
-around that, y'know, yeah, makin' the scene with a magazine, ain't no way
-around it.  I'll confess, y'know, I'm no different, y'know, I'm not weird
-about it or anything, I don't tie myself up first, I just, I just kinda
-spend a little time with myself.
-		-- Tom Waits, "Nighthawks at the Diner"
-%
-Well, he went down to dinner in his Sunday best,
-Excitable boy, they all said!
-And he rubbed the pot roast all over his chest,
-Excitable boy, they all said!  (Well, he's just an excitable boy.)
-
-He took in the 4am show at the Clark,
-Excitable boy, they all said!
-And he bit the usherette's leg in the dark,
-Excitable boy, they all said!  (Well, he's just an excitable boy.)
-
-He took little Susie to the junior prom,
-Excitable boy, they all said!
-And he raped her and killed her, then he took her home,
-Excitable boy, they all said!  (Well, he's just an excitable boy!)
-
-After ten long years they let him out of the home,
-Excitable boy, they all said!
-And he dug up her grave and built a cage with her bones,
-Excitable boy, they all said!  (Well, he's just an excitable boy.)
-		-- Warren Zevon, "Excitable Boy"
-%
-Well, I went to a party, and what did they do?
-They took off their socks and they took off their shoes.
-They took off their shirts, and they took off their pants,
-I had a hunch, we weren't gonna dance.
-
-Everybody, everybody's ass was bare,
-No bras left, just a queer over there.
-But the whole damn thing didn't faze me a bit;
-I just jumped on the pile and grabbed some tit.
-
-My baby's not a sports fan,
-But she plays with balls whenever she can.
-'Cause her favorite sport you see,
-Is playing tonsil hockey.
-[chorus]
-	Eat, bite, fuck, suck, gobble, nibble, chew;
-	Nipple, bosom, hair pie, finger fuck, screw.
-	Moose piss, cat pud, orangutan tit;
-	Sheep pussy, camel crack, pig-lie-in-shit.
-		-- Doctor Dirty, "The Eat-Bite Song"
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-Well, I'd left home just a week before,
-And I'd never ever kissed a woman before,
-But Lola smiled and took me by the hand,
-And said 'Little boy, gonna make you a man!'
-Well, I'm not the world's most masculine man,
-But I know what I am and I'm glad I'm a man and so's Lola.
-La, la, la, la-Lola... la, la, la, la-Lola...  Lola.
-		-- The Kinks
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-What's the ugliest part of your body?
-What's the ugliest part of your body?
-Some say your nose,
-Some say your toes,
-But I think it's your mind.
-		-- Frank Zappa, 1965
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-When a man grows old and his balls
-	grow cold,			So find me a seat and stand me a drink
-And the end of his knob turns blue;	And a tale to you I'll tell
-When it's bent in the middle like a	Of Dead-eye Dick and Mexican Pete
-	one-string fiddle,		And the gentle Eskimo Nell.
-He can tell a tale or two.
-
-When Dead-eye Dick and Mexican Pete
-Go out in search of fun,		And when Dead-eye Dick and Mexican Pete
-It's usually Dick who wields the prick	Are sore, depressed, and mad,
-And Mexican Pete the gun.		'Tis the cunt that bears the brunt
-					So the shooting ain't so bad.
-There was rarely a day without a lay
-And usually two or three		Now Dead-eye Dick and Mexican Pete
-For Dead-eye Dick, his kingly prick	Had been hunting in Deadman's creek.
-Was always like a tree.			And they'd had no luck in the way of
-						a fuck
-Just a moose or two and a caribou,	For nigh on half a week.
-And a bison cow or so;
-And for Dead-eye Dick with his kingly prick
-This fucking was mighty slow.
-		-- The Ballad of Eskimo Nell
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-When ev'rybody's tryin' to sleep,
-I'm somewhere makin' my midnight creep.		Chorus:
-In the mornin' the rooster crow,	I am a back door man,
-Somethin' tells me I got to go.		I am a back door man,
-					Well, the men don't know,
-They take me to the doctor,		But the little girls understand.
-	shot full of holes,
-Nurse try to save a soul.
-Killed her for murder first degree,
-Judge what tried let the man go free.
-
-Stand up, cop's wife cried, don't take him down,
-Rather be dead six feet in the ground.
-When you come home, you can eat pork and beans,
-I eats more chicken than any man's seen.
-		-- Willie Dixon, "Backdoor Man", 1961
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-When I demanded of my friend what viands he preferred,
-He quoth: "A large cold bottle, and a small hot bird!"
-		-- Eugene Field, "The Bottle and the Bird"
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-when i die, i'd like to go peacefully.
-in my sleep.
-like my grandfather.
-
-not screaming,
-like the passengers in his car...
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-When I need something 
-To help me unwind
-I find a six-foot baby		What kind of guy
-With a one-track mind		Does a lot for me
-Smart guys are nowhere		Superman
-They make demands		With a lobotomy
-Give me a moron			My father's out of Harvard
-With talented hands		My brother's out of Yale
-I go bar-hopping		Well the guy I took home last night
-And they say "Last call"	Just got out of jail
-I start shopping 		The way he grabbed and threw me
-For a Neanderthal		Oooo, it really got me hot
-				But the way he growled and bit me
-The bigger they come		I hoped he had his shots
-The harder I fall
-In love till we're done		The bigger they are
-Then they're out in the hall	The harder they'll work
-				I got a soft spot
-				For a good-looking jerk
-		-- Julie Brown, "I Like 'Em Big and Stupid"
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-When in calling, plain speaking is out;
-When the ladies (God bless 'em) are milling about,
-You may wet, make water, or empty the glass;
-You can powder your nose, or the "johnny" will pass.
-It's a drain for the lily, or man about dog
-When everyone's drunk, it's condensing the fog;
-But sure as the devil, that word with a hiss
-It's only in Shakespeare that characters ____.
-		-- Ogden Nash
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-When things go wrong as they usually will,
-And your daily road seems all uphill,
-When funds are low and debts are high,
-When you try to smile, but can only cry --
-And you really feel you'd like to quit,
-Don't talk to me; I don't give a shit.
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-When you're lying on the bed,
-And the thought is in your head,
-But the feeling is way down between your legs,
-Take your problem in your hand,
-And beat it to the band,
-And try your best to keep it off the walls.
-
-Don't let your lover tell you,
-Don't let anybody sell you,
-That the joy of masturbation is a crime.
-For I've rid myself of fears,
-(I've been doing it for years)
-And now I have an erection all the time.
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-... which the Minstrel was supposed by some authorities to have composed
-beneath the gibbet at Elsdon on the occasion of his hanging, drawing and
-quartering for misguidedly climbing into bed with Sir Oswald Capheughton's
-wife, Lady Fleur, when that noble lord was not only in it, but in her at
-the same time.  Minstrel Flawse's introduction of himself into Sir Oswald
-had met with that reaction known as dog-knotting on the part of all
-concerned...
-I gan noo wha ma organs gan
-When oft I lay abed			I should ha' known 'twas never Fleur
-So rither hang me upside doon		That smelt so mooch of sweat
-Than by ma empty head.			For she was iver sweet and pure
-					And iver her purse was wet.
-But old Sir Oswald allus stank
-Of horse and hound and dung		So hang me noo fra' Elsdon tree
-And when I chose to breech his rank	And draw ma innards out
-Was barrel to my bung.			That all the wald around may see
-					What I have done without.
-But ere ye come to draw ma heart
-Na do it all so quick			So prick 'em wet or prick 'em dry
-But prise the arse of Oswald 'part	'Tis all the same to me
-And bring me back ma prick.		I canna wait for him to die
-					Afore I have a pee.
-		-- Tom Sharpe, "The Ballad of Prick 'Em Dry"
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-While sitting 'neath an oak one morn
-In thought on this and that,
-A tiny, twitt'ring little bird		"Oh tiny bird, O Nature's gift
-A load dropped in my hat.		Of music and of wit!
-					Why didst thou feel that my best hat
-"Thy music gladdens my poor soul,	Was thy best place to shit?"
-And brings joy to my heart.
-But tell me, little bird divine,	The tiny bird a few notes sang,
-Why didst thou not just fart?"		Then answer'd "Pardon me,
-					For thy hat I thought was my nest,
-I rose and stood in solemn awe		A-fallen from the tree."
-His words to better mull,
-Then lifted up a paving block
-And crushed his fucking skull.
-		-- Bill Wordsworth, "A Tiny Twitt'ring Bird"
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-Willie in the cauldron fell;		Willie saw some dynamite,
-See the grief on mother's brow;		Couldn't understand it quite;
-Mother loved her darling well --	Curiosity never pays:
-Willie's quite hard-boiled by now.	It rained Willie seven days.
-
-Little Willie with a shout,		William in a nice new sash,
-Gouged the baby's eyeballs out;		Fell in the fire and burned to an ash.
-Stamped on them to make them pop.	Now, although the room grows chilly,
-Mother cried, "Now, William, stop!"	I haven't the heart to poke poor Billy.
-
-William with a thirst for gore,		Little Willie mean as hell,
-Nailed the baby to the door.		Threw his sister in the well!
-Mother said, with humor quaint:		Said his mother when drawing water,
-"Careful, Will, don't mar the paint."	'sure is hard to raise a daughter.'
-		-- Harry Graham, "Ruthless Rhymes for Heartless Homes", 1899
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-Willie, looking in the mirror,		Willie with the nursery shears
-Sucked the mercury off			Cut off both the baby's ears.
-Thinking in his childish error		To the baby so unsightly
-It would cure the whooping cough.	Mother raised her eyebrows slightly.
-
-At the funeral his weeping mother	In the family drinking well
-Sadly said to Mrs. Brown,		Willie pushed his sister, Nell.
-"'Twas a chilly day for Willie		She's there still because it killed her,
-When the mercury went down."		Now, we have to buy a filter.
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-You may carve it on his tombstone, you may cut it on his card
-That a young man married is a young man marred.
-		-- Rudyard Kipling, "The Story of the Gadsbys"
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-You say potatoe,
-And I say potato.
-You say tomatoe,
-And I say tomato.
-Potatoe, potato,
-Tomatoe, tomato.
-Let's go be the Vice President...
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-You wanna play the dozens,
-Well, the dozens is a game,
-But the way I fuck your mother is an ass-wringing shame!
-		-- George Carlin
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-You will always have friends
-Some friends will peter out.
-But I'll always be your friend,
-Peter in or peter out.
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-Your mother's ghost stands at your shoulder
-Face like ice, a little bit colder
-She says "You can't do that it breaks all the rules
-You learned in school,"
-But I don't really see
-Why can't we go on as three?
-		-- David Crosby, "Triad"
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-Your spooning days are over,
-	And your pilot light is out;
-When what used to be your sex appeal
-	Is now your water spout!
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-Zippity doo dah, zippity ay,
-I just gave my sister's cherry away!
-To a couple of truckers from Erie P.A.,
-Zippity doo dah, zippity ay.
-		-- John Valby
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