fortune-teller 0.1.0 → 0.3.0

package/fortunes/definitions

@@ -1,5030 +0,0 @@
-17th Rule of Friendship:
-	A friend will refrain from telling you he picked up the same amount of
-	life insurance coverage you did for half the price when yours is
-	noncancellable.
-		-- Esquire, May 1977
-%
-186,282 miles per second:
-	It isn't just a good idea, it's the law!
-%
-18th Rule of Friendship:
-        A friend will let you hold the ladder while he goes up on the roof
-        to install your new aerial, which is the biggest son-of-a-bitch you
-        ever saw.
-                -- Esquire, May 1977
-%
-2180, U.S. History question:
-	What 20th Century U.S. President was almost impeached and what
-	office did he later hold?
-%
-3rd Law of Computing:
-	Anything that can go wr
-fortune: Segmentation violation -- Core dumped
-%
-667:
-	The neighbor of the beast.
-%
-A hypothetical paradox:
-	What would happen in a battle between an Enterprise security team,
-	who always get killed soon after appearing, and a squad of Imperial
-	Stormtroopers, who can't hit the broad side of a planet?
-		-- Tom Galloway
-%
-A Law of Computer Programming:
-	Make it possible for programmers to write in English
-	and you will find that programmers cannot write in English.
-%
-A musician, an artist, an architect:
-	the man or woman who is not one of these is not a Christian.
-		-- William Blake
-%
-A new koan:
-	If you have some ice cream, I will give it to you.
-	If you have no ice cream, I will take it away from you.
-It is an ice cream koan.
-%
-Abbott's Admonitions:
-	(1) If you have to ask, you're not entitled to know.
-	(2) If you don't like the answer, you shouldn't have asked the question.
-		-- Charles Abbot, dean, University of Virginia
-%
-Absent, adj.:
-	Exposed to the attacks of friends and acquaintances; defamed; slandered.
-%
-Absentee, n.:
-	A person with an income who has had the forethought to remove
-	himself from the sphere of exaction.
-		-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
-%
-Abstainer, n.:
-	A weak person who yields to the temptation of denying himself a
-	pleasure.
-		-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
-%
-Absurdity, n.:
-	A statement or belief manifestly inconsistent with one's own opinion.
-		-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
-%
-Academy:
-	A modern school where football is taught.
-Institute:
-	An archaic school where football is not taught.
-%
-Acceptance testing:
-	An unsuccessful attempt to find bugs.
-%
-Accident, n.:
-	A condition in which presence of mind is good, but absence of
-	body is better.
-		-- Foolish Dictionary
-%
-Accordion, n.:
-	A bagpipe with pleats.
-%
-Accuracy, n.:
-	The vice of being right
-%
-Acquaintance, n:
-	A person whom we know well enough to borrow from but not well
-	enough to lend to.  A degree of friendship called slight when the
-	object is poor or obscure, and intimate when he is rich or famous.
-		-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
-%
-ADA:
-	Something you need only know the name of to be an Expert in
-	Computing.  Useful in sentences like, "We had better develop
-	an ADA awareness.
-		-- "Datamation", January 15, 1984
-%
-Adler's Distinction:
-	Language is all that separates us from the lower animals,
-	and from the bureaucrats.
-%
-Admiration, n.:
-	Our polite recognition of another's resemblance to ourselves.
-		-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
-%
-Adore, v.:
-	To venerate expectantly.
-		-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
-%
-Adult, n.:
-	One old enough to know better.
-%
-Advertising Rule:
-	In writing a patent-medicine advertisement, first convince the
-	reader that he has the disease he is reading about; secondly, 
-	that it is curable.
-%
-Afternoon, n.:
-	That part of the day we spend worrying about how we wasted the morning.
-%
-Age, n.:
-	That period of life in which we compound for the vices that we
-	still cherish by reviling those that we no longer have the enterprise
-	to commit.
-		-- Ambrose Bierce
-%
-Agnes' Law:
-	Almost everything in life is easier to get into than out of.
-%
-Air Force Inertia Axiom:
-	Consistency is always easier to defend than correctness.
-%
-air, n.:
-	A nutritious substance supplied by a bountiful Providence for the
-	fattening of the poor.
-		-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
-%
-Alaska:
-	A prelude to "No."
-%
-Albrecht's Law:
-	Social innovations tend to the level of minimum tolerable well-being.
-%
-Alden's Laws:
-	(1)  Giving away baby clothes and furniture is the major cause
-	     of pregnancy.
-	(2)  Always be backlit.
-	(3)  Sit down whenever possible.
-%
-algorithm, n.:
-	Trendy dance for hip programmers.
-%
-alimony, n:
-	Having an ex you can bank on.
-%
-All new:
-	Parts not interchangeable with previous model.
-%
-Allen's Axiom:
-	When all else fails, read the instructions.
-%
-Alliance, n.:
-	In international politics, the union of two thieves who have
-	their hands so deeply inserted in each other's pocket that they cannot
-	separately plunder a third.
-		-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
-%
-Alone, adj.:
-	In bad company.
-		-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
-%
-Ambidextrous, adj.:
-	Able to pick with equal skill a right-hand pocket or a left.
-		-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
-%
-Ambiguity:
-	Telling the truth when you don't mean to.
-%
-Ambition, n:
-	An overmastering desire to be vilified by enemies while
-	living and made ridiculous by friends when dead.
-		-- Ambrose Bierce
-%
-Amoebit:
-	Amoeba/rabbit cross; it can multiply and divide at the same time.
-%
-Andrea's Admonition:
-	Never bestow profanity upon a driver who has wronged you.
-	If you think his window is closed and he can't hear you,
-	it isn't and he can.
-%
-Androphobia:
-	Fear of men.
-%
-Anoint, v.:
-	To grease a king or other great functionary already sufficiently
-	slippery.
-		-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
-%
-Anthony's Law of Force:
-	Don't force it; get a larger hammer.
-%
-Anthony's Law of the Workshop:
-	Any tool when dropped, will roll into the least accessible
-	corner of the workshop.
-
-Corollary:
-	On the way to the corner, any dropped tool will first strike
-	your toes.
-%
-Antonym, n.:
-	The opposite of the word you're trying to think of.
-%
-Aphasia:
-	Loss of speech in social scientists when asked
-	at parties, "But of what use is your research?"
-%
-aphorism, n.:
-	A concise, clever statement.
-afterism, n.:
-	A concise, clever statement you don't think of until too late.
-		-- James Alexander Thom
-%
-Appendix:
-	A portion of a book, for which nobody yet has discovered any use.
-%
-Applause, n:
-	The echo of a platitude from the mouth of a fool.
-		-- Ambrose Bierce
-%
-aquadextrous, adj.:
-	Possessing the ability to turn the bathtub faucet on and off
-	with your toes.
-		-- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
-%
-Arbitrary systems, pl.n.:
-	Systems about which nothing general can be said, save "nothing
-	general can be said."
-%
-Arithmetic:
-	An obscure art no longer practiced in the world's developed countries.
-%
-Armadillo:
-	To provide weapons to a Spanish pickle.
-%
-Armor's Axiom:
-	Virtue is the failure to achieve vice.
-%
-Armstrong's Collection Law:
-	If the check is truly in the mail,
-	it is surely made out to someone else.
-%
-Arnold's Addendum:
-	Anything not fitting into these categories causes cancer in rats.
-%
-Arnold's Laws of Documentation:
-	(1) If it should exist, it doesn't.
-	(2) If it does exist, it's out of date.
-	(3) Only documentation for useless programs transcends the
-	    first two laws.
-%
-Arthur's Laws of Love:
-	(1) People to whom you are attracted invariably think you
-	    remind them of someone else.
-	(2) The love letter you finally got the courage to send will be
-	    delayed in the mail long enough for you to make a fool of
-	    yourself in person.
-%
-ASCII:
-	The control code for all beginning programmers and those who would
-	become computer literate.  Etymologically, the term has come down as
-	a contraction of the often-repeated phrase "ascii and you shall
-	receive."
-		-- Robb Russon
-%
-Atlanta:
-	An entire city surrounded by an airport.
-%
-Auction:
-	A gyp off the old block.
-%
-audophile, n:
-	Someone who listens to the equipment instead of the music.
-%
-Authentic:
-	Indubitably true, in somebody's opinion.
-%
-Automobile, n.:
-	A four-wheeled vehicle that runs up hills and down pedestrians.
-%
-Bachelor:
-	A guy who is footloose and fiancee-free.
-%
-Bachelor:
-	A man who chases women and never Mrs. one.
-%
-Backward conditioning:
-	Putting saliva in a dog's mouth in an attempt to make a bell ring.
-%
-Bagbiter:
-	1. n.; Equipment or program that fails, usually intermittently.  2.
-adj.: Failing hardware or software.  "This bagbiting system won't let me get
-out of spacewar." Usage: verges on obscenity.  Grammatically separable; one
-may speak of "biting the bag".  Synonyms: LOSER, LOSING, CRETINOUS,
-BLETCHEROUS, BARFUCIOUS, CHOMPER, CHOMPING.
-%
-Bagdikian's Observation:
-	Trying to be a first-rate reporter on the average American newspaper
-	is like trying to play Bach's "St. Matthew Passion" on a ukelele.
-%
-Baker's First Law of Federal Geometry:
-	A block grant is a solid mass of money surrounded on all sides by
-	governors.
-%
-Ballistophobia:
-	Fear of bullets;
-Otophobia:
-	Fear of opening one's eyes.
-Peccatophobia:
-	Fear of sinning.
-Taphephobia:
-	Fear of being buried alive.
-Sitophobia:
-	Fear of food.
-Trichophobbia:
-	Fear of hair.
-Vestiphobia:
-	Fear of clothing.
-%
-Banacek's Eighteenth Polish Proverb:
-	The hippo has no sting, but the wise man would rather be sat upon
-	by the bee.
-%
-Banectomy, n.:
-	The removal of bruises on a banana.
-		-- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
-%
-Barach's Rule:
-	An alcoholic is a person who drinks more than his own physician.
-%
-Barbara's Rules of Bitter Experience:
-	(1) When you empty a drawer for his clothes
-	    and a shelf for his toiletries, the relationship ends.
-	(2) When you finally buy pretty stationary
-	    to continue the correspondence, he stops writing.
-%
-Barker's Proof:
-	Proofreading is more effective after publication.
-%
-Barometer, n.:
-	An ingenious instrument which indicates what kind of weather we
-	are having.
-		-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
-%
-Barth's Distinction:
-	There are two types of people: those who divide people into two
-	types, and those who don't.
-%
-Baruch's Observation:
-	If all you have is a hammer, everything looks like a nail.
-%
-Basic Definitions of Science:
-	If it's green or wiggles, it's biology.
-	If it stinks, it's chemistry.
-	If it doesn't work, it's physics.
-%
-BASIC, n.:
-	A programming language.  Related to certain social diseases in
-	that those who have it will not admit it in polite company.
-%
-Bathquake, n.:
-	The violent quake that rattles the entire house when the water
-	faucet is turned on to a certain point.
-		-- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
-%
-Battle, n.:
-	A method of untying with the teeth a political knot that
-	will not yield to the tongue.
-		-- Ambrose Bierce
-%
-Beauty, n.:
-	The power by which a woman charms a lover and terrifies a husband.
-		-- Ambrose Bierce
-%
-Beauty:
-	What's in your eye when you have a bee in your hand.
-%
-Begathon, n.:
-	A multi-day event on public television, used to raise money so
-	you won't have to watch commercials.
-%
-Beifeld's Principle:
-	The probability of a young man meeting a desirable and receptive
-	young female increases by pyramidical progression when he
-	is already in the company of (1) a date, (2) his wife, (3) a
-	better-looking and richer male friend.
-		-- R. Beifeld
-%
-belief, n:
-	Something you do not believe.
-%
-Bennett's Laws of Horticulture:
-	(1) Houses are for people to live in.
-	(2) Gardens are for plants to live in.
-	(3) There is no such thing as a houseplant.
-%
-Benson's Dogma:
-	ASCII is our god, and Unix is his profit.
-%
-Bershere's Formula for Failure:
-	There are only two kinds of people who fail: those who
-	listen to nobody... and those who listen to everybody.
-%
-beta test, v:
-	To voluntarily entrust one's data, one's livelihood and one's
-	sanity to hardware or software intended to destroy all three.
-	In earlier days, virgins were often selected to beta test volcanos.
-%
-Bierman's Laws of Contracts:
-	(1) In any given document, you can't cover all the "what if's".
-	(2) Lawyers stay in business resolving all the unresolved "what if's".
-	(3) Every resolved "what if" creates two unresolved "what if's".
-%
-Bilbo's First Law:
-	You cannot count friends that are all packed up in barrels.
-%
-Binary, adj.:
-	Possessing the ability to have friends of both sexes.
-%
-Bing's Rule:
-	Don't try to stem the tide -- move the beach.
-%
-Bipolar, adj.:
-	Refers to someone who has homes in Nome, Alaska, and Buffalo, New York.
-%
-birth, n:
-	The first and direst of all disasters.
-		-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
-%
-bit, n:
-	A unit of measure applied to color.  Twenty-four-bit color
-	refers to expensive $3 color as opposed to the cheaper 25
-	cent, or two-bit, color that use to be available a few years ago.
-%
-Bizoos, n.:
-	The millions of tiny individual bumps that make up a basketball.
-		-- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
-%
-blithwapping:
-	Using anything BUT a hammer to hammer a nail into the
-	wall, such as shoes, lamp bases, doorstops, etc.
-		-- "Sniglets", Rich Hall & Friends
-%
-Bloom's Seventh Law of Litigation:
-	The judge's jokes are always funny.
-%
-Blore's Razor:
-	Given a choice between two theories, take the one which is funnier.
-%
-Blutarsky's Axiom:
-	Nothing is impossible for the man who will not listen to reason.
-%
-Boling's postulate:
-	If you're feeling good, don't worry.  You'll get over it.
-%
-Bolub's Fourth Law of Computerdom:
-	Project teams detest weekly progress reporting because it so
-	vividly manifests their lack of progress.
-%
-Bombeck's Rule of Medicine:
-	Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.
-%
-Boob's Law:
-	You always find something in the last place you look.
-%
-Booker's Law:
-	An ounce of application is worth a ton of abstraction.
-%
-Bore, n.:
-	A guy who wraps up a two-minute idea in a two-hour vocabulary.
-		-- Walter Winchell
-%
-Bore, n.:
-	A person who talks when you wish him to listen.
-		-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
-%
-Boren's Laws:
-	(1) When in charge, ponder.
-	(2) When in trouble, delegate.
-	(3) When in doubt, mumble.
-%
-boss, n:
-	According to the Oxford English Dictionary, in the Middle Ages the
-	words "boss" and "botch" were largely synonymous, except that boss,
-	in addition to meaning "a supervisor of workers" also meant "an
-	ornamental stud."
-%
-Boucher's Observation:
-	He who blows his own horn always plays the music
-	several octaves higher than originally written.
-%
-Bower's Law:
-	Talent goes where the action is.
-%
-Bowie's Theorem:
-	If an experiment works, you must be using the wrong equipment.
-%
-boy, n:
-	A noise with dirt on it.
-%
-Bradley's Bromide:
-	If computers get too powerful, we can organize
-	them into a committee -- that will do them in.
-%
-Brady's First Law of Problem Solving:
-	When confronted by a difficult problem, you can solve it more
-	easily by reducing it to the question, "How would the Lone Ranger
-	have handled this?"
-%
-brain, n:
-	The apparatus with which we think that we think.
-		-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
-%
-brain, v: [as in "to brain"]
-	To rebuke bluntly, but not pointedly; to dispel a source
-	of error in an opponent.
-		-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
-%
-brain-damaged, generalization of "Honeywell Brain Damage" (HBD), a
-theoretical disease invented to explain certain utter cretinisms in
-Multics, adj:
-	Obviously wrong; cretinous; demented.  There is an implication
-	that the person responsible must have suffered brain damage,
-	because he/she should have known better.  Calling something
-	brain-damaged is bad; it also implies it is unusable.
-%
-Bride, n.:
-	A woman with a fine prospect of happiness behind her.
-		-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
-%
-briefcase, n:
-	A trial where the jury gets together and forms a lynching party.
-%
-broad-mindedness, n:
-	The result of flattening high-mindedness out.
-%
-Brogan's Constant:
-	People tend to congregate in the back of the church and the
-	front of the bus.
-%
-brokee, n:
-	Someone who buys stocks on the advice of a broker.
-%
-Brontosaurus Principle:
-	Organizations can grow faster than their brains can manage them
-	in relation to their environment and to their own physiology:  when
-	this occurs, they are an endangered species.
-		-- Thomas K. Connellan
-%
-Brook's Law:
-	Adding manpower to a late software project makes it later.
-%
-Brooke's Law:
-	Whenever a system becomes completely defined, some damn fool
-	discovers something which either abolishes the system or
-	expands it beyond recognition.
-%
-Bubble Memory, n.:
-	A derogatory term, usually referring to a person's intelligence.
-	See also "vacuum tube".
-%
-Bucy's Law:
-	Nothing is ever accomplished by a reasonable man.
-%
-Bug, n.:
-	An aspect of a computer program which exists because the
-	programmer was thinking about Jumbo Jacks or stock options when s/he
-	wrote the program.
-
-Fortunately, the second-to-last bug has just been fixed.
-		-- Ray Simard
-%
-bug, n:
-	A son of a glitch.
-%
-bug, n:
-	An elusive creature living in a program that makes it incorrect.
-	The activity of "debugging", or removing bugs from a program, ends
-	when people get tired of doing it, not when the bugs are removed.
-		-- "Datamation", January 15, 1984
-%
-Bugs, pl. n.:
-	Small living things that small living boys throw on small living girls.
-%
-Bumper sticker:
-	All the parts falling off this car are of the very finest
-	British manufacture.
-%
-Bunker's Admonition:
-	You cannot buy beer; you can only rent it.
-%
-Burbulation:
-	The obsessive act of opening and closing a refrigerator door in
-	an attempt to catch it before the automatic light comes on.
-		-- "Sniglets", Rich Hall & Friends
-%
-Bureau Termination, Law of:
-	When a government bureau is scheduled to be phased out,
-	the number of employees in that bureau will double within
-	12 months after the decision is made.
-%
-bureaucracy, n:
-	A method for transforming energy into solid waste.
-%
-Bureaucrat, n.:
-	A person who cuts red tape sideways.
-		-- J. McCabe
-%
-bureaucrat, n:
-	A politician who has tenure.
-%
-Burke's Postulates:
-	Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about.
-	Don't create a problem for which you do not have the answer.
-%
-Burn's Hog Weighing Method:
-	(1) Get a perfectly symmetrical plank and balance it across a sawhorse.
-	(2) Put the hog on one end of the plank.
-	(3) Pile rocks on the other end until the plank is again perfectly
-	    balanced.
-	(4) Carefully guess the weight of the rocks.
-		-- Robert Burns
-%
-buzzword, n:
-	The fly in the ointment of computer literacy.
-%
-byob, v:
-	Believing Your Own Bull
-%
-C, n:
-	A programming language that is sort of like Pascal except more like
-	assembly except that it isn't very much like either one, or anything
-	else.  It is either the best language available to the art today, or
-	it isn't.
-		-- Ray Simard
-%
-Cabbage, n.:
-	A familiar kitchen-garden vegetable about as large and wise as
-	a man's head.
-		-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
-%
-Cache:
-	A very expensive part of the memory system of a computer that no one
-	is supposed to know is there.
-%
-Cahn's Axiom:
-	When all else fails, read the instructions.
-%
-Campbell's Law:
-	Nature abhors a vacuous experimenter.
-%
-Canada Bill Jones's Motto:
-	It's morally wrong to allow suckers to keep their money.
-
-Canada Bill Jones's Supplement:
-	A Smith and Wesson beats four aces.
-%
-Canonical, adj.:
-	The usual or standard state or manner of something.  A true story:
-One Bob Sjoberg, new at the MIT AI Lab, expressed some annoyance at the use
-of jargon.  Over his loud objections, we made a point of using jargon as
-much as possible in his presence, and eventually it began to sink in.
-Finally, in one conversation, he used the word "canonical" in jargon-like
-fashion without thinking.
-	Steele: "Aha!  We've finally got you talking jargon too!"
-	Stallman: "What did he say?"
-	Steele: "He just used `canonical' in the canonical way."
-%
-Captain Penny's Law:
-	You can fool all of the people some of the time, and
-	some of the people all of the time, but you Can't Fool Mom.
-%
-Carperpetuation (kar' pur pet u a shun), n.:
-	The act, when vacuuming, of running over a string at least a
-	dozen times, reaching over and picking it up, examining it, then
-	putting it back down to give the vacuum one more chance.
-		-- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
-%
-Carson's Consolation:
-	Nothing is ever a complete failure.
-	It can always be used as a bad example.
-%
-Carson's Observation on Footwear:
-	If the shoe fits, buy the other one too.
-%
-Carswell's Corollary:
-	Whenever man comes up with a better mousetrap,
-	nature invariably comes up with a better mouse.
-%
-Cat, n.:
-	Lapwarmer with built-in buzzer.
-%
-cerebral atrophy, n:
-	The phenomena which occurs as brain cells become weak and sick, and
-impair the brain's performance.  An abundance of these "bad" cells can cause
-symptoms related to senility, apathy, depression, and overall poor academic
-performance.  A certain small number of brain cells will deteriorate due to
-everday activity, but large amounts are weakened by intense mental effort
-and the assimilation of difficult concepts.  Many college students become
-victims of this dread disorder due to poor habits such as overstudying.
-
-cerebral darwinism, n:
-	The theory that the effects of cerebral atrophy can be reversed
-through the purging action of heavy alcohol consumption.  Large amounts of
-alcohol cause many brain cells to perish due to oxygen deprivation.  Through
-the process of natural selection, the weak and sick brain cells will die
-first, leaving only the healthy cells.  This wonderful process leaves the
-imbiber with a healthier, more vibrant brain, and increases mental capacity.
-Thus, the devastating effects of cerebral atrophy are reversed, and academic
-performance actually increases beyond previous levels.
-%
-Chamberlain's Laws:
-	(1) The big guys always win.
-	(2) Everything tastes more or less like chicken.
-%
-character density, n.:
-	The number of very weird people in the office.
-%
-Charity, n.:
-	A thing that begins at home and usually stays there.
-%
-checkuary, n:
-	The thirteenth month of the year.  Begins New Year's Day and ends
-	when a person stops absentmindedly writing the old year on his checks.
-%
-Chef, n.:
-	Any cook who swears in French.
-%
-Cheit's Lament:
-	If you help a friend in need, he is sure to remember you--
-	the next time he's in need.
-%
-Chemicals, n.:
-	Noxious substances from which modern foods are made.
-%
-Cheops' Law:
-	Nothing ever gets built on schedule or within budget.
-%
-Chicago Transit Authority Rider's Rule #36:
-	Never ever ask the tough looking gentleman wearing El Rukn headgear
-	where he got his "pyramid powered pizza warmer".
-		-- Chicago Reader 3/27/81
-%
-Chicago Transit Authority Rider's Rule #84:
-	The CTA has complimentary pop-up timers available on request
-	for overheated passengers.  When your timer pops up, the driver will
-	cheerfully baste you.
-		-- Chicago Reader 5/28/82
-%
-Chicken Soup:
-	An ancient miracle drug containing equal parts of aureomycin,
-	cocaine, interferon, and TLC.  The only ailment chicken soup
-	can't cure is neurotic dependence on one's mother.
-		-- Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish"
-%
-Chism's Law of Completion:
-	The amount of time required to complete a government project is
-	precisely equal to the length of time already spent on it.
-%
-Chisolm's First Corollary to Murphy's Second Law:
-	When things just can't possibly get any worse, they will.
-%
-Christmas:
-	A day set apart by some as a time for turkey, presents, cranberry 
-	salads, family get-togethers; for others, noted as having the best
-	response time of the entire year.
-%
-Churchill's Commentary on Man:
-	Man will occasionally stumble over the truth,
-	but most of the time he will pick himself up and continue on.
-%
-Cinemuck, n.:
-	The combination of popcorn, soda, and melted chocolate which
-	covers the floors of movie theaters.
-		-- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
-%
-clairvoyant, n.:
-	A person, commonly a woman, who has the power of seeing that
-	which is invisible to her patron -- namely, that he is a blockhead.
-		-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
-%
-Clarke's Conclusion:
-	Never let your sense of morals interfere with doing the right thing.
-%
-Clay's Conclusion:
-	Creativity is great, but plagiarism is faster.
-%
-clone, n:
-	1. An exact duplicate, as in "our product is a clone of their
-	product."  2. A shoddy, spurious copy, as in "their product
-	is a clone of our product."
-%
-Clovis' Consideration of an Atmospheric Anomaly:
-	The perversity of nature is nowhere better demonstrated
-	than by the fact that, when exposed to the same atmosphere,
-	bread becomes hard while crackers become soft.
-%
-COBOL:
-	An exercise in Artificial Inelegance.
-%
-COBOL:
-	Completely Over and Beyond reason Or Logic.
-%
-Cohen's Law:
-	There is no bottom to worse.
-%
-Cohn's Law:
-	The more time you spend in reporting on what you are doing, the less
-	time you have to do anything.  Stability is achieved when you spend
-	all your time reporting on the nothing you are doing.
-%
-Cold, adj.:
-	When the politicians walk around with their hands in their own pockets.
-%
-Cole's Law:
-	Thinly sliced cabbage.
-%
-Collaboration, n.:
-	A literary partnership based on the false assumption that the
-	other fellow can spell.
-%
-College:
-	The fountains of knowledge, where everyone goes to drink.
-%
-Colvard's Logical Premises:
-	All probabilities are 50%.
-	Either a thing will happen or it won't.
-
-Colvard's Unconscionable Commentary:
-	This is especially true when dealing with someone you're attracted to.
-
-Grelb's Commentary:
-	Likelihoods, however, are 90% against you.
-%
-Command, n.:
-	Statement presented by a human and accepted by a computer in
-	such a manner as to make the human feel as if he is in control.
-%
-comment:
-	A superfluous element of a source program included so the
-	programmer can remember what the hell it was he was doing
-	six months later.  Only the weak-minded need them, according
-	to those who think they aren't.
-%
-Commitment, n.:
-	[The difference between involvement and] Commitment can be
-	illustrated by a breakfast of ham and eggs.  The chicken was
-	involved, the pig was committed.
-%
-Committee Rules:
-	(1) Never arrive on time, or you will be stamped a beginner.
-	(2) Don't say anything until the meeting is half over; this
-	    stamps you as being wise.
-	(3) Be as vague as possible; this prevents irritating the
-	    others.
-	(4) When in doubt, suggest that a subcommittee be appointed.
-	(5) Be the first to move for adjournment; this will make you
-	    popular -- it's what everyone is waiting for.
-%
-Committee, n.:
-	A group of men who individually can do nothing but as a group
-	decide that nothing can be done.
-		-- Fred Allen
-%
-Commoner's three laws of ecology:
-	(1) No action is without side-effects.
-	(2) Nothing ever goes away.
-	(3) There is no free lunch.
-%
-Complex system:
-	One with real problems and imaginary profits.
-%
-Compliment, n.:
-	When you say something to another which everyone knows isn't true.
-%
-compuberty, n:
-	The uncomfortable period of emotional and hormonal changes a
-	computer experiences when the operating system is upgraded and
-	a sun4 is put online sharing files.
-%
-Computer science:
-	(1) A study akin to numerology and astrology, but lacking the
-	   precision of the former and the success of the latter.
-	(2) The protracted value analysis of algorithms.
-	(3) The costly enumeration of the obvious.
-	(4) The boring art of coping with a large number of trivialities.
-	(5) Tautology harnessed in the service of Man at the speed of light.
-	(6) The Post-Turing decline in formal systems theory.
-%
-Computer, n.:
-	An electronic entity which performs sequences of useful steps in a
-	totally understandable, rigorously logical manner.  If you believe
-	this, see me about a bridge I have for sale in Manhattan.
-%
-Concept, n.:
-	Any "idea" for which an outside consultant billed you more than
-	$25,000.
-%
-Conference, n.:
-	A special meeting in which the boss gathers subordinates to hear
-	what they have to say, so long as it doesn't conflict with what
-	he's already decided to do.
-%
-Confidant, confidante, n:
-	One entrusted by A with the secrets of B, confided to himself by C.
-		-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
-%
-Confirmed bachelor:
-	A man who goes through life without a hitch.
-%
-Conjecture: All odd numbers are prime.
-	Mathematician's Proof:
-		3 is prime.  5 is prime.  7 is prime.  By induction, all
-		odd numbers are prime.
-	Physicist's Proof:
-		3 is prime.  5 is prime.  7 is prime.  9 is experimental
-		error.  11 is prime.  13 is prime ...
-	Engineer's Proof:
-		3 is prime.  5 is prime.  7 is prime.  9 is prime.
-		11 is prime.  13 is prime ...
-	Computer Scientists's Proof:
-		3 is prime.  3 is prime.  3 is prime.  3 is prime...
-%
-Connector Conspiracy, n:
-	[probably came into prominence with the appearance of the KL-10,
-	none of whose connectors match anything else] The tendency of
-	manufacturers (or, by extension, programmers or purveyors of anything)
-	to come up with new products which don't fit together with the old
-	stuff, thereby making you buy either all new stuff or expensive
-	interface devices.
-%
-Consent decree:
-	A document in which a hapless company consents never to commit
-	in the future whatever heinous violations of Federal law it
-	never admitted to in the first place.
-%
-Consultant, n.:
-	(1) Someone you pay to take the watch off your wrist and tell
-	you what time it is. (2) (For resume use) The working title
-	of anyone who doesn't currently hold a job. Motto: Have
-	Calculator, Will Travel.
-%
-Consultant, n.:
-	[From con "to defraud, dupe, swindle," or, possibly, French con
-	(vulgar) "a person of little merit" + sult elliptical form of
-	"insult."]  A tipster disguised as an oracle, especially one who
-	has learned to decamp at high speed in spite of a large briefcase
-	and heavy wallet.
-%
-Consultant, n.:
-	An ordinary man a long way from home.
-%
-consultant, n.:
-	Someone who knowns 101 ways to make love, but can't get a date.
-%
-Consultant, n.:
-	Someone who'd rather climb a tree and tell a lie than stand on
-	the ground and tell the truth.
-%
-Consultation, n.:
-	Medical term meaning "to share the wealth."
-%
-Conversation, n.:
-	A vocal competition in which the one who is catching his breath
-	is called the listener.
-%
-Conway's Law:
-	In any organization there will always be one person who knows
-	what is going on.
-
-	This person must be fired.
-%
-Copying machine, n.:
-	A device that shreds paper, flashes mysteriously coded messages,
-	and makes duplicates for everyone in the office who isn't
-	interested in reading them.
-%
-Coronation, n.:
-	The ceremony of investing a sovereign with the outward and visible
-	signs of his divine right to be blown skyhigh with a dynamite bomb.
-		-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
-%
-Correspondence Corollary:
-	An experiment may be considered a success if no more than half
-	your data must be discarded to obtain correspondence with your theory.
-%
-Corry's Law:
-	Paper is always strongest at the perforations.
-%
-court, n.:
-	A place where they dispense with justice.
-		-- Arthur Train
-%
-Coward, n.:
-	One who in a perilous emergency thinks with his legs.
-		-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
-%
-Creditor, n.:
-	A man who has a better memory than a debtor.
-%
-Crenna's Law of Political Accountability:
-	If you are the first to know about something bad, you are going to be
-	held responsible for acting on it, regardless of your formal duties.
-%
-critic, n.:
-	A person who boasts himself hard to please because nobody tries
-	to please him.
-		-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
-%
-Croll's Query:
-	If tin whistles are made of tin, what are foghorns made of?
-%
-Cropp's Law:
-	The amount of work done varies inversly with the time spent in the
-	office.
-%
-Cruickshank's Law of Committees:
-	If a committee is allowed to discuss a bad idea long enough, it
-	will inevitably decide to implement the idea simply because so
-	much work has already been done on it.
-%
-cursor address, n:
-	"Hello, cursor!"
-		-- Stan Kelly-Bootle, "The Devil's DP Dictionary"
-%
-Cursor, n.:
-	One whose program will not run.
-		-- Robb Russon
-%
-curtation, n.:
-	The enforced compression of a string in the fixed-length field
-environment.
-	The problem of fitting extremely variable-length strings such as names,
-addresses, and item descriptions into fixed-length records is no trivial
-matter.  Neglect of the subtle art of curtation has probably alienated more
-people than any other aspect of data processing.  You order Mozart's "Don
-Giovanni" from your record club, and they invoice you $24.95 for MOZ DONG.
-The witless mapping of the sublime onto the ridiculous!  Equally puzzling is
-the curtation that produces the same eight characters, THE BEST, whether you
-order "The Best of Wagner", "The Best of Schubert", or "The Best of the Turds".
-Similarly, wine lovers buying from computerized wineries twirl their glasses,
-check their delivery notes, and inform their friends, "A rather innocent,
-possibly overtruncated CAB SAUV 69 TAL."  The squeezing of fruit into 10
-columns has yielded such memorable obscenities as COX OR PIP.  The examples
-cited are real, and the curtational methodology which produced them is still
-with us.
-
-MOZ DONG n.
-	Curtation of Don Giovanni by Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart and Lorenzo da
-Ponte, as performed by the computerized billing ensemble of the Internat'l
-Preview Society, Great Neck (sic), N.Y.
-		-- Stan Kelly-Bootle, "The Devil's DP Dictionary"
-%
-Cutler Webster's Law:
-	There are two sides to every argument, unless a person
-	is personally involved, in which case there is only one.
-%
-Cynic, n.:
-	A blackguard whose faulty vision sees things as they are, not
-	as they ought to be.  Hence the custom among the Scythians of plucking
-	out a cynic's eyes to improve his vision.
-		-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
-%
-Cynic, n.:
-	Experienced.
-%
-Cynic, n.:
-	One who looks through rose-colored glasses with a jaundiced eye.
-%
-Data, n.:
-	An accrual of straws on the backs of theories.
-%
-Data, n.:
-	Computerspeak for "information".  Properly pronounced
-	the way Bostonians pronounce the word for a female child.
-%
-Davis' Law of Traffic Density:
-	The density of rush-hour traffic is directly proportional to
-	1.5 times the amount of extra time you allow to arrive on time.
-%
-Davis's Dictum:
-	Problems that go away by themselves, come back by themselves.
-%
-Dawn, n.:
-	The time when men of reason go to bed.
-		-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
-%
-Deadwood, n.:
-	Anyone in your company who is more senior than you are.
-%
-Death wish, n.:
-	The only wish that always comes true, whether or not one wishes it to.
-%
-Decision maker, n.:
-	The person in your office who was unable to form a task force
-	before the music stopped.
-%
-default, n.:
-	[Possibly from Black English "De fault wid dis system is you,
-	mon."] The vain attempt to avoid errors by inactivity.  "Nothing will
-	come of nothing: speak again." -- King Lear.
-		-- Stan Kelly-Bootle, "The Devil's DP Dictionary"
-%
-Default, n.:
-	The hardware's, of course.
-%
-Deja vu:
-	French., already seen; unoriginal; trite.
-	Psychol., The illusion of having previously experienced
-	something actually being encountered for the first time.
-	Psychol., The illusion of having previously experienced
-	something actually being encountered for the first time.
-%
-Deliberation, n.:
-	The act of examining one's bread to determine which side it is
-	buttered on.
-		-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
-%
-Dentist, n.:
-	A Prestidigitator who, putting metal in one's mouth, pulls
-	coins out of one's pockets.
-		-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
-%
-Denver, n.:
-	A smallish city located just below the `O' in Colorado.
-%
-design, v.:
-	What you regret not doing later on.
-%
-DeVries' Dilemma:
-	If you hit two keys on the typewriter, the one you don't want
-	hits the paper.
-%
-Dibble's First Law of Sociology:
-	Some do, some don't.
-%
-Die, v.:
-	To stop sinning suddenly.
-		-- Elbert Hubbard
-%
-Dinner suggestion #302 (Hacker's De-lite):
-	1 tin imported Brisling sardines in tomato sauce
-	1 pouch Chocolate Malt Carnation Instant Breakfast
-	1 carton milk
-%
-diplomacy, n:
-	Lying in state.
-%
-Dirksen's Three Laws of Politics:
-	(1) Get elected.
-	(2) Get re-elected.
-	(3) Don't get mad, get even.
-		-- Sen. Everett Dirksen
-%
-disbar, n:
-	As distinguished from some other bar.
-%
-Distinctive, adj.:
-	A different color or shape than our competitors.
-%
-Distress, n.:
-	A disease incurred by exposure to the prosperity of a friend.
-		-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
-%
-divorce, n:
-	A change of wife.
-%
-Documentation:
-	Instructions translated from Swedish by Japanese for English
-	speaking persons.
-%
-double-blind experiment, n:
-	An experiment in which the chief researcher believes he is
-	fooling both the subject and the lab assistant.  Often accompanied
-	by a strong belief in the tooth fairy.
-%
-Dow's Law:
-	In a hierarchical organization, the higher the level,
-	the greater the confusion.
-%
-Drakenberg's Discovery:
-	If you can't seem to find your glasses,
-	it's probably because you don't have them on.
-%
-Drew's Law of Highway Biology:
-	The first bug to hit a clean windshield lands directly in front
-	of your eyes.
-%
-drug, n:
-	A substance that, injected into a rat, produces a scientific paper.
-%
-Ducharme's Precept:
-	Opportunity always knocks at the least opportune moment.
-
-Ducharme's Axiom:
-	If you view your problem closely enough you will recognize
-	yourself as part of the problem.
-%
-Duty, n:
-	What one expects from others.
-		-- Oscar Wilde
-%
-Eagleson's Law:
-	Any code of your own that you haven't looked at for six or more
-	months, might as well have been written by someone else.  (Eagleson
-	is an optimist, the real number is more like three weeks.)
-%
-economics, n.:
-	Economics is the study of the value and meaning of J.K. Galbraith.
-		-- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"
-%
-Economies of scale:
-	The notion that bigger is better.  In particular, that if you want
-	a certain amount of computer power, it is much better to buy one
-	biggie than a bunch of smallies.  Accepted as an article of faith
-	by people who love big machines and all that complexity.  Rejected
-	as an article of faith by those who love small machines and all
-	those limitations.
-%
-economist, n:
-	Someone who's good with figures, but doesn't have enough
-	personality to become an accountant.
-%
-Egotism, n:
-	Doing the New York Times crossword puzzle with a pen.
-
-Egotist, n:
-	A person of low taste, more interested in himself than me.
-		-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
-%
-Ehrman's Commentary:
-	(1) Things will get worse before they get better.
-	(2) Who said things would get better?
-%
-Elbonics, n.:
-	The actions of two people maneuvering for one armrest in a movie
-	theatre.
-		-- "Sniglets", Rich Hall & Friends
-%
-Electrocution, n.:
-	Burning at the stake with all the modern improvements.
-%
-Elephant, n.:
-	A mouse built to government specifications.
-%
-Eleventh Law of Acoustics:
-	In a minimum-phase system there is an inextricable link between
-	frequency response, phase response and transient response, as they
-	are all merely transforms of one another.  This combined with
-	minimalization of open-loop errors in output amplifiers and correct
-	compensation for non-linear passive crossover network loading can
-	lead to a significant decrease in system resolution lost.  However,
-	of course, this all means jack when you listen to Pink Floyd.
-%
-Emacs, n.:
-	A slow-moving parody of a text editor.
-%
-Emerson's Law of Contrariness:
-	Our chief want in life is somebody who shall make us do what we
-	can.  Having found them, we shall then hate them for it.
-%
-Encyclopedia Salesmen:
-	Invite them all in.  Nip out the back door.  Phone the police
-	and tell them your house is being burgled.
-		-- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"
-%
-Endless Loop, n.:
-	see Loop, Endless.
-Loop, Endless, n.:
-	see Endless Loop.
-		-- Random Shack Data Processing Dictionary
-%
-Engram, n.:
-	1. The physical manifestation of human memory -- "the engram."
-2. A particular memory in physical form.  [Usage note:  this term is no longer
-in common use.  Prior to Wilson and Magruder's historic discovery, the nature
-of the engram was a topic of intense speculation among neuroscientists,
-psychologists, and even computer scientists.  In 1994 Professors M. R. Wilson
-and W. V. Magruder, both of Mount St. Coax University in Palo Alto, proved
-conclusively that the mammalian brain is hardwired to interpret a set of
-thirty seven genetically transmitted cooperating TECO macros.  Human memory
-was shown to reside in 1 million Q-registers as Huffman coded uppercase-only
-ASCII strings.  Interest in the engram has declined substantially since that
-time.]
-		-- New Century Unabridged English Dictionary,
-		   3rd edition, 2007 A.D.
-%
-enhance, v.:
-	To tamper with an image, usually to its detriment.
-%
-Entreprenuer, n.:
-	A high-rolling risk taker who would rather
-	be a spectacular failure than a dismal success.
-%
-Envy, n.:
-	Wishing you'd been born with an unfair advantage,
-	instead of having to try and acquire one.
-%
-Epperson's law:
-	When a man says it's a silly, childish game, it's probably
-	something his wife can beat him at.
-%
-Etymology, n.:
-	Some early etymological scholars came up with derivations that
-	were hard for the public to believe.  The term "etymology" was formed
-	from the Latin "etus" ("eaten"), the root "mal" ("bad"), and "logy"
-	("study of").  It meant "the study of things that are hard to swallow."
-		-- Mike Kellen
-%
-Every Horse has an Infinite Number of Legs (proof by intimidation):
-
-Horses have an even number of legs.  Behind they have two legs, and in
-front they have fore-legs.  This makes six legs, which is certainly an
-odd number of legs for a horse.  But the only number that is both even
-and odd is infinity.  Therefore, horses have an infinite number of
-legs.  Now to show this for the general case, suppose that somewhere,
-there is a horse that has a finite number of legs.  But that is a horse
-of another color, and by the lemma ["All horses are the same color"],
-that does not exist.
-%
-Every program has (at least) two purposes:
-	the one for which it was written and another for which it wasn't.
-%
-Expense Accounts, n.:
-	Corporate food stamps.
-%
-Experience, n.:
-	Something you don't get until just after you need it.
-		-- Olivier
-%
-Expert, n.:
-	Someone who comes from out of town and shows slides.
-%
-Extract from Official Sweepstakes Rules:
-
-		NO PURCHASE REQUIRED TO CLAIM YOUR PRIZE
-
-To claim your prize without purchase, do the following: (a) Carefully
-cut out your computer-printed name and address from upper right hand
-corner of the Prize Claim Form. (b) Affix computer-printed name and
-address -- with glue or cellophane tape (no staples or paper clips) --
-to a 3x5 inch index card.  (c) Also cut out the "No" paragraph (lower
-left hand corner of Prize Claim Form) and affix it to the 3x5 card
-below your address label. (d) Then print on your 3x5 card, above your
-computer-printed name and address the words "CARTER & VAN PEEL
-SWEEPSTAKES" (Use all capital letters.)  (e) Finally place 3x5 card
-(without bending) into a plain envelope [NOTE: do NOT use the the
-Official Prize Claim and CVP Perfume Reply Envelope or you may be
-disqualified], and mail to: CVP, Box 1320, Westbury, NY 11595.  Print
-this address correctly.  Comply with above instructions carefully and
-completely or you may be disqualified from receiving your prize.
-%
-Fairy Tale, n.:
-	A horror story to prepare children for the newspapers.
-%
-Fakir, n:
-	A psychologist whose charismatic data have inspired almost
-	religious devotion in his followers, even though the sources
-	seem to have shinnied up a rope and vanished.
-%
-falsie salesman, n:
-	Fuller bust man.
-%
-Famous last words:
-%
-Famous last words:
-	(1) "Don't worry, I can handle it."
-	(2) "You and what army?"
-	(3) "If you were as smart as you think you are, you wouldn't be
-	     a cop."
-%
-Famous last words:
-	(1) Don't unplug it, it will just take a moment to fix.
-	(2) Let's take the shortcut, he can't see us from there.
-	(3) What happens if you touch these two wires tog--
-	(4) We won't need reservations.
-	(5) It's always sunny there this time of the year.
-	(6) Don't worry, it's not loaded.
-	(7) They'd never (be stupid enough to) make him a manager.
-	(8) Don't worry!  Women love it!
-%
-Famous quotations:
-	" "
-		-- Charlie Chaplin
-
-	" "
-		-- Harpo Marx
-
-	" "
-		-- Marcel Marceau
-%
-Famous, adj.:
-	Conspicuously miserable.
-		-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
-%
-feature, n:
-	A surprising property of a program.  Occasionaly documented.  To
-	call a property a feature sometimes means the author did not
-	consider that case, and the program makes an unexpected, though
-	not necessarily wrong response.  See BUG.  "That's not a bug, it's
-	a feature!"  A bug can be changed to a feature by documenting it.
-%
-fenderberg, n.:
-	The large glacial deposits that form on the insides
-	of car fenders during snowstorms.
-		-- "Sniglets", Rich Hall & Friends
-%
-Ferguson's Precept:
-	A crisis is when you can't say "let's forget the whole thing."
-%
-Fidelity, n.:
-	A virtue peculiar to those who are about to be betrayed.
-%
-Fifth Law of Applied Terror:
-	If you are given an open-book exam, you will forget your book.
-
-Corollary:
-	If you are given a take-home exam, you will forget where you live.
-%
-Fifth Law of Procrastination:
-	Procrastination avoids boredom; one never has the feeling that
-	there is nothing important to do.
-%
-File cabinet:
-	A four drawer, manually activated trash compactor.
-%
-filibuster, n.:
-	Throwing your wait around.
-%
-Finagle's Creed:
-	Science is true.  Don't be misled by facts.
-%
-Finagle's Eighth Law:
-	If an experiment works, something has gone wrong.
-
-Finagle's Ninth Law:
-	No matter what results are expected, someone is always willing to
-	fake it.
-
-Finagle's Tenth Law:
-	No matter what the result someone is always eager to misinterpret it.
-
-Finagle's Eleventh Law:
-	No matter what occurs, someone believes it happened according to
-	his pet theory.
-%
-Finagle's First Law:
-	If an experiment works, something has gone wrong.
-%
-Finagle's First Law:
-	To study a subject best, understand it thoroughly before you start.
-
-Finagle's Second Law:
-	Always keep a record of data -- it indicates you've been working.
-
-Finagle's Fourth Law:
-	Once a job is fouled up, anything done to improve it only makes
-	it worse.
-
-Finagle's Fifth Law:
-	Always draw your curves, then plot your readings.
-
-Finagle's Sixth Law:
-	Don't believe in miracles -- rely on them.
-%
-Finagle's Second Law:
-	No matter what the anticipated result, there will always be
-	someone eager to (a) misinterpret it, (b) fake it, or (c) believe it
-	happened according to his own pet theory.
-%
-Finagle's Seventh Law:
-	The perversity of the universe tends toward a maximum.
-%
-Finagle's Third Law:
-	In any collection of data, the figure most obviously correct,
-	beyond all need of checking, is the mistake
-
-Corollaries:
-	(1) Nobody whom you ask for help will see it.
-	(2) The first person who stops by, whose advice you really
-	    don't want to hear, will see it immediately.
-%
-Fine's Corollary:
-	Functionality breeds Contempt.
-%
-Finster's Law:
-	A closed mouth gathers no feet.
-%
-First Law of Bicycling:
-	No matter which way you ride, it's uphill and against the wind.
-%
-First law of debate:
-	Never argue with a fool.  People might not know the difference.
-%
-First Law of Procrastination:
-	Procrastination shortens the job and places the responsibility
-	for its termination on someone else (i.e., the authority who
-	imposed the deadline).
-
-Fifth Law of Procrastination:
-	Procrastination avoids boredom; one never has the feeling that
-	there is nothing important to do.
-%
-First Law of Socio-Genetics:
-	Celibacy is not hereditary.
-%
-First Rule of History:
-	History doesn't repeat itself -- historians merely repeat each other.
-%
-Fishbowl, n.:
-	A glass-enclosed isolation cell where newly promoted managers are
-	kept for observation.
-%
-Five rules for eternal misery:
-	(1) Always try to exhort others to look upon you favorably.
-	(2) Make lots of assumptions about situations and be sure to
-	    treat these assumptions as though they are reality.
-	(3) Then treat each new situation as though it's a crisis.
-	(4) Live in the past and future only (become obsessed with
-	    how much better things might have been or how much worse
-	    things might become).
-	(5) Occasionally stomp on yourself for being so stupid as to
-	    follow the first four rules.
-%
-flannister, n.:
-	The plastic yoke that holds a six-pack of beer together.
-		-- "Sniglets", Rich Hall & Friends
-%
-Flon's Law:
-	There is not now, and never will be, a language in
-	which it is the least bit difficult to write bad programs.
-%
-flowchart, n. & v.:
-	[From flow "to ripple down in rich profusion, as hair" + chart
-"a cryptic hidden-treasure map designed to mislead the uninitiated."]
-1. n. The solution, if any, to a class of Mascheroni construction
-problems in which given algorithms require geometrical representation
-using only the 35 basic ideograms of the ANSI template.  2. n. Neronic
-doodling while the system burns.  3. n. A low-cost substitute for
-wallpaper.  4. n.  The innumerate misleading the illiterate.  "A
-thousand pictures is worth ten lines of code." -- The Programmer's
-Little Red Vade Mecum, Mao Tse T'umps.  5. v.intrans. To produce
-flowcharts with no particular object in mind.  6. v.trans. To obfuscate
-(a problem) with esoteric cartoons.
-		-- Stan Kelly-Bootle, "The Devil's DP Dictionary"
-%
-Flugg's Law:
-	When you need to knock on wood is when you realize
-	that the world is composed of vinyl, naugahyde and aluminum.
-%
-Fog Lamps, n.:
-	Excessively (often obnoxiously) bright lamps mounted on the fronts
-	of automobiles; used on dry, clear nights to indicate that the
-	driver's brain is in a fog.  See also "Idiot Lights".
-%
-Foolproof Operation:
-	No provision for adjustment.
-%
-Forecast, n.:
-	A prediction of the future, based on the past, for
-	which the forecaster demands payment in the present.
-%
-Forgetfulness, n.:
-	A gift of God bestowed upon debtors in compensation for
-	their destitution of conscience.
-%
-FORTUNE EXPLAINS WHAT JOB REVIEW CATCH PHRASES MEAN:	#1
-skilled oral communicator:
-	Mumbles inaudibly when attempting to speak.  Talks to self.
-	Argues with self.  Loses these arguments.
-
-skilled written communicator:
-	Scribbles well.  Memos are invariable illegible, except for
-	the portions that attribute recent failures to someone else.
-
-growth potential:
-	With proper guidance, periodic counselling, and remedial training,
-	the reviewee may, given enough time and close supervision, meet
-	the minimum requirements expected of him by the company.
-
-key company figure:
-	Serves as the perfect counter example.
-%
-FORTUNE EXPLAINS WHAT JOB REVIEW CATCH PHRASES MEAN:	#4
-consistent:
-	Reviewee hasn't gotten anything right yet, and it is anticipated
-	that this pattern will continue throughout the coming year.
-
-an excellent sounding board:
-	Present reviewee with any number of alternatives, and implement
-	them in the order precisely opposite of his/her specification.
-
-a planner and organizer:
-	Usually manages to put on socks before shoes.  Can match the
-	animal tags on his clothing.
-%
-FORTUNE EXPLAINS WHAT JOB REVIEW CATCH PHRASES MEAN:	#9
-has management potential:
-	Because of his intimate relationship with inanimate objects, the
-	reviewee has been appointed to the critical position of department
-	pencil monitor.
-
-inspirational:
-	A true inspiration to others.  ("There, but for the grace of God,
-	go I.")
-
-adapts to stress:
-	Passes wind, water, or out depending upon the severity of the
-	situation.
-
-goal oriented:
-	Continually sets low goals for himself, and usually fails
-	to meet them.
-%
-Fortune's Rules for Memo Wars: #2
-
-Given the incredible advances in sociocybernetics and telepsychology over
-the last few years, we are now able to completely understand everything that
-the author of an memo is trying to say.  Thanks to modern developments
-in electrocommunications like notes, vnews, and electricity, we have an
-incredible level of interunderstanding the likes of which civilization has
-never known.  Thus, the possibility of your misinterpreting someone else's
-memo is practically nil.  Knowing this, anyone who accuses you of having
-done so is a liar, and should be treated accordingly.  If you *do* understand
-the memo in question, but have absolutely nothing of substance to say, then
-you have an excellent opportunity for a vicious ad hominem attack.  In fact,
-the only *inappropriate* times for an ad hominem attack are as follows:
-
-	1: When you agree completely with the author of an memo.
-	2: When the author of the original memo is much bigger than you are.
-	3: When replying to one of your own memos.
-%
-Fourth Law of Applied Terror:
-	The night before the English History mid-term, your Biology
-	instructor will assign 200 pages on planaria.
-
-Corollary:
-	Every instructor assumes that you have nothing else to do except
-	study for that instructor's course.
-%
-Fourth Law of Revision:
-	It is usually impractical to worry beforehand about
-	interferences -- if you have none, someone will make one for you.
-%
-Fourth Law of Thermodynamics:
-	If the probability of success is not almost one, it is damn near zero.
-		-- David Ellis
-%
-Fresco's Discovery:
-	If you knew what you were doing you'd probably be bored.
-%
-Fried's 1st Rule:
-	Increased automation of clerical function
-	invariably results in increased operational costs.
-%
-Friends, n.:
-	People who borrow your books and set wet glasses on them.
-
-	People who know you well, but like you anyway.
-%
-Frobnicate, v.:
-	To manipulate or adjust, to tweak.  Derived from FROBNITZ. Usually
-abbreviated to FROB.  Thus one has the saying "to frob a frob." See TWEAK
-and TWIDDLE.  Usage: FROB, TWIDDLE, and TWEAK sometimes connote points along
-a continuum.  FROB connotes aimless manipulation; TWIDDLE connotes gross
-manipulation, often a coarse search for a proper setting; TWEAK connotes
-fine-tuning.  If someone is turning a knob on an oscilloscope, then if he's
-carefully adjusting it he is probably tweaking it; if he is just turning it
-but looking at the screen he is probably twiddling it; but if he's just
-doing it because turning a knob is fun, he's frobbing it.
-%
-Frobnitz, pl. Frobnitzem (frob'nitsm) n.:
-	An unspecified physical object, a widget.  Also refers to electronic
-black boxes.  This rare form is usually abbreviated to FROTZ, or more
-commonly to FROB.  Also used are FROBNULE, FROBULE, and FROBNODULE.
-Starting perhaps in 1979, FROBBOZ (fruh-bahz'), pl. FROBBOTZIM, has also
-become very popular, largely due to its exposure via the Adventure spin-off
-called Zork (Dungeon).  These can also be applied to non-physical objects,
-such as data structures.
-%
-Fuch's Warning:
-	If you actually look like your passport photo, you aren't well
-	enough to travel.
-%
-Fudd's First Law of Opposition:
-	Push something hard enough and it will fall over.
-%
-Fun experiments:
-	Get a can of shaving cream, throw it in a freezer for about a week.
-	Then take it out, peel the metal off and put it where you want...
-	bedroom, car, etc.  As it thaws, it expands an unbelievable amount.
-%
-Fun Facts, #14:
-	In table tennis, whoever gets 21 points first wins.  That's how
-	it once was in baseball -- whoever got 21 runs first won.
-%
-Fun Facts, #63:
-	The name California was given to the state by Spanish conquistadores.
-	It was the name of an imaginary island, a paradise on earth, in the
-	Spanish romance, "Les Serges de Esplandian", written by Montalvo in
-	1510.
-%
-furbling, v.:
-	Having to wander through a maze of ropes at an airport or bank
-	even when you are the only person in line.
-		-- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
-%
-Galbraith's Law of Human Nature:
-	Faced with the choice between changing one's mind and proving that
-	there is no need to do so, almost everybody gets busy on the proof.
-%
-Genderplex, n.:
-	The predicament of a person in a restaurant who is unable to
-	determine his or her designated restroom (e.g., turtles and tortoises).
-		-- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
-%
-genealogy, n.:
-	An account of one's descent from an ancestor
-	who did not particularly care to trace his own.
-		-- Ambrose Bierce
-%
-Genius, n.:
-	A chemist who discovers a laundry additive that rhymes with "bright."
-%
-genius, n.:
-	Person clever enough to be born in the right place at the right
-	time of the right sex and to follow up this advantage by saying
-	all the right things to all the right people.
-%
-genlock, n.:
-	Why he stays in the bottle.
-%
-Gerrold's Laws of Infernal Dynamics:
-	(1) An object in motion will always be headed in the wrong direction.
-	(2) An object at rest will always be in the wrong place.
-	(3) The energy required to change either one of these states
-	   will always be more than you wish to expend, but never so
-	   much as to make the task totally impossible.
-%
-Getting the job done is no excuse for not following the rules.
-
-Corollary:
-	Following the rules will not get the job done.
-%
-Gilbert's Discovery:
-	Any attempt to use the new super glues results in the two pieces
-	sticking to your thumb and index finger rather than to each other.
-%
-Ginsberg's Theorem:
-	(1) You can't win.
-	(2) You can't break even.
-	(3) You can't even quit the game.
-
-Freeman's Commentary on Ginsberg's theorem:
-	Every major philosophy that attempts to make life seem
-	meaningful is based on the negation of one part of Ginsberg's
-	Theorem.  To wit:
-
-	(1) Capitalism is based on the assumption that you can win.
-	(2) Socialism is based on the assumption that you can break even.
-	(3) Mysticism is based on the assumption that you can quit the game.
-%
-Ginsburg's Law:
-	At the precise moment you take off your shoe in a shoe store, your
-	big toe will pop out of your sock to see what's going on.
-%
-gleemites, n.:
-	Petrified deposits of toothpaste found in sinks.
-		-- "Sniglets", Rich Hall & Friends
-%
-Glib's Fourth Law of Unreliability:
-	Investment in reliability will increase until it exceeds the
-	probable cost of errors, or until someone insists on getting
-	some useful work done.
-%
-Gnagloot, n.:
-	A person who leaves all his ski passes on his jacket just to
-	impress people.
-		-- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
-%
-Goda's Truism:
-	By the time you get to the point where you can make ends meet,
-	somebody moves the ends.
-%
-Godwin's Law (prov.  [Usenet]):
-	As a Usenet discussion grows longer, the probability of a
-	comparison involving Nazis or Hitler approaches one." There is a
-	tradition in many groups that, once this occurs, that thread is
-	over, and whoever mentioned the Nazis has automatically lost
-	whatever argument was in progress.  Godwin's Law thus guarantees
-	the existence of an upper bound on thread length in those groups.
-%
-Gold's Law:
-	If the shoe fits, it's ugly.
-%
-Gold, n.:
-	A soft malleable metal relatively scarce in distribution.  It
-	is mined deep in the earth by poor men who then give it to rich
-	men who immediately bury it back in the earth in great prisons,
-	although gold hasn't done anything to them.
-		-- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"
-%
-Goldenstern's Rules:
-	(1) Always hire a rich attorney
-	(2) Never buy from a rich salesman.
-%
-Gomme's Laws:
-	(1) A backscratcher will always find new itches.
-	(2) Time accelerates.
-	(3) The weather at home improves as soon as you go away.
-%
-Gordon's first law:
-	If a research project is not worth doing, it is not worth doing well.
-%
-Gordon's Law:
-	If you think you have the solution, the question was poorly phrased.
-%
-gossip, n.:
-	Hearing something you like about someone you don't.
-		-- Earl Wilson
-%
-Goto, n.:
-	A programming tool that exists to allow structured programmers
-	to complain about unstructured programmers.
-		-- Ray Simard
-%
-Government's Law:
-	There is an exception to all laws.
-%
-Grabel's Law:
-	2 is not equal to 3 -- not even for large values of 2.
-%
-Grandpa Charnock's Law:
-	You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
-
-	[I thought it was when your kids learned to drive.  Ed.]
-%
-grasshopotomaus:
-	A creature that can leap to tremendous heights... once.
-%
-Gravity:
-	What you get when you eat too much and too fast.
-%
-Gray's Law of Programming:
-	`_n+1' trivial tasks are expected to be accomplished in the same
-	time as `_n' tasks.
-
-Logg's Rebuttal to Gray's Law:
-	`_n+1' trivial tasks take twice as long as `_n' trivial tasks.
-%
-Great American Axiom:
-	Some is good, more is better, too much is just right.
-%
-Green's Law of Debate:
-	Anything is possible if you don't know what you're talking about.
-%
-Greener's Law:
-	Never argue with a man who buys ink by the barrel.
-%
-Grelb's Reminder:
-	Eighty percent of all people consider themselves to be above
-	average drivers.
-%
-Griffin's Thought:
-	When you starve with a tiger, the tiger starves last.
-%
-Grinnell's Law of Labor Laxity:
-	At all times, for any task, you have not got enough done today.
-%
-Guillotine, n.:
-	A French chopping center.
-%
-Gumperson's Law:
-	The probability of a given event occurring is inversely
-	proportional to its desirability.
-%
-Gunter's Airborne Discoveries:
-	(1)  When you are served a meal aboard an aircraft,
-	     the aircraft will encounter turbulence.
-	(2)  The strength of the turbulence
-	     is directly proportional to the temperature of your coffee.
-%
-gurmlish, n.:
-	The red warning flag at the top of a club sandwich which
-	prevents the person from biting into it and puncturing the roof
-	of his mouth.
-		-- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
-%
-guru, n.:
-	A person in T-shirt and sandals who took an elevator ride with
-	a senior vice-president and is ultimately responsible for the
-	phone call you are about to receive from your boss.
-%
-guru, n:
-	A computer owner who can read the manual.
-%
-gyroscope, n.:
-	A wheel or disk mounted to spin rapidly about an axis and also
-	free to rotate about one or both of two axes perpindicular to
-	each other and the axis of spin so that a rotation of one of the
-	two mutually perpendicular axes results from application of
-	torque to the other when the wheel is spinning and so that the
-	entire apparatus offers considerable opposition depending on
-	the angular momentum to any torque that would change the direction
-	of the axis of spin.
-		-- Webster's Seventh New Collegiate Dictionary
-%
-H. L. Mencken's Law:
-	Those who can -- do.
-	Those who can't -- teach.
-
-Martin's Extension:
-	Those who cannot teach -- administrate.
-%
-Hacker's Law:
-	The belief that enhanced understanding will necessarily stir
-	a nation to action is one of mankind's oldest illusions.
-%
-Hacker's Quicky #313:
-	Sour Cream -n- Onion Potato Chips
-	Microwave Egg Roll
-	Chocolate Milk
-%
-hacker, n.:
-	A master byter.
-%
-hacker, n.:
-	Originally, any person with a knack for coercing stubborn inanimate
-	things; hence, a person with a happy knack, later contracted by the
-	mythical philosopher Frisbee Frobenius to the common usage, 'hack'.
-	In olden times, upon completion of some particularly atrocious body
-	of coding that happened to work well, culpable programmers would gather
-	in a small circle around a first edition of Knuth's Best Volume I by
-	candlelight, and proceed to get very drunk while sporadically rending
-	the following ditty:
-
-		Hacker's Fight Song
-
-		He's a Hack!  He's a Hack!
-		He's a guy with the happy knack!
-		Never bungles, never shirks,
-		Always gets his stuff to work!
-
-All take a drink (important!)
-%
-Hale Mail Rule, The:
-	When you are ready to reply to a letter, you will lack at least
-	one of the following:
-		(a) A pen or pencil or typewriter.
-		(b) Stationery.
-		(c) Postage stamp.
-		(d) The letter you are answering.
-%
-half-done, n.:
-	This is the best way to eat a kosher dill -- when it's still crunchy,
-	light green, yet full of garlic flavor.  The difference between this
-	and the typical soggy dark green cucumber corpse is like the
-	difference between life and death.
-
-	You may find it difficult to find a good half-done kosher dill there
-	in Seattle, so what you should do is take a cab out to the airport,
-	fly to New York, take the JFK Express to Jay Street-Borough Hall,
-	transfer to an uptown F, get off at East Broadway, walk north on
-	Essex (along the park), make your first left onto Hester Street, walk
-	about fifteen steps, turn ninety degrees left, and stop.  Say to the
-	man, "Let me have a nice half-done."  Worth the trouble, wasn't it?
-		-- Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish"
-%
-Hand, n.:
-	A singular instrument worn at the end of a human arm and
-	commonly thrust into somebody's pocket.
-		-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
-%
-handshaking protocol, n:
-	A process employed by hostile hardware devices to initate a
-	terse but civil dialogue, which, in turn, is characterized by
-	occasional misunderstanding, sulking, and name-calling.
-%
-Hangover, n.:
-	The burden of proof.
-%
-hangover, n.:
-	The wrath of grapes.
-%
-Hanlon's Razor:
-	Never attribute to malice that which is adequately explained
-	by stupidity.
-%
-Hanson's Treatment of Time:
-	There are never enough hours in a day, but always too many days
-	before Saturday.
-%
-Happiness, n.:
-	An agreeable sensation arising from contemplating the misery of another.
-		-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
-%
-hard, adj.:
-	The quality of your own data; also how it is to believe those
-	of other people.
-%
-Hardware, n.:
-	The parts of a computer system that can be kicked.
-%
-Harriet's Dining Observation:
-	In every restaurant, the hardness of the butter pats
-	increases in direct proportion to the softness of the bread.
-%
-Harris's Lament:
-	All the good ones are taken.
-%
-Harrisberger's Fourth Law of the Lab:
-	Experience is directly proportional to the amount of equipment ruined.
-%
-Harrison's Postulate:
-	For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.
-%
-Hartley's First Law:
-	You can lead a horse to water, but if you can get him to float
-	on his back, you've got something.
-%
-Hatred, n.:
-	A sentiment appropriate to the occasion of another's superiority.
-		-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
-%
-Hawkeye's Conclusion:
-	It's not easy to play the clown when you've got to run the whole
-	circus.
-%
-Heaven, n.:
-	A place where the wicked cease from troubling you with talk of
-	their personal affairs, and the good listen with attention while you
-	expound your own.
-		-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
-%
-heavy, adj.:
-	Seduced by the chocolate side of the force.
-%
-Heller's Law:
-	The first myth of management is that it exists.
-
-Johnson's Corollary:
-	Nobody really knows what is going on anywhere within the
-	organization.
-%
-Hempstone's Question:
-	If you have to travel on the Titanic, why not go first class?
-%
-Herth's Law:
-	He who turns the other cheek too far gets it in the neck.
-%
-Hewett's Observation:
-	The rudeness of a bureaucrat is inversely proportional to his or
-	her position in the governmental hierarchy and to the number of
-	peers similarly engaged.
-%
-Hildebrant's Principle:
-	If you don't know where you are going, any road will get you there.
-%
-Hippogriff, n.:
-	An animal (now extinct) which was half horse and half griffin.
-	The griffin was itself a compound creature, half lion and half eagle.
-	The hippogriff was actually, therefore, only one quarter eagle, which
-	is two dollars and fifty cents in gold.  The study of zoology is full
-	of surprises.
-		-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
-%
-History, n.:
-	Papa Hegel he say that all we learn from history is that we
-	learn nothing from history.  I know people who can't even learn from
-	what happened this morning.  Hegel must have been taking the long view.
-		-- Chad C. Mulligan, "The Hipcrime Vocab"
-%
-Hitchcock's Staple Principle:
-	The stapler runs out of staples only while you are trying to
-	staple something.
-%
-Hlade's Law:
-	If you have a difficult task, give it to a lazy person --
-	they will find an easier way to do it.
-%
-Hoare's Law of Large Problems:
-	Inside every large problem is a small problem struggling to get out.
-%
-Hoffer's Discovery:
-	The grand act of a dying institution is to issue a newly
-	revised, enlarged edition of the policies and procedures manual.
-%
-Hofstadter's Law:
-	It always takes longer than you expect, even when you take
-	Hofstadter's Law into account.
-%
-Hollerith, v.:
-	What thou doest when thy phone is on the fritzeth.
-%
-honeymoon, n.:
-	A short period of doting between dating and debting.
-		-- Ray C. Bandy
-%
-Honorable, adj.:
-	Afflicted with an impediment in one's reach.  In legislative
-	bodies, it is customary to mention all members as honorable; as,
-	"the honorable gentleman is a scurvy cur."
-		-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
-%
-Horner's Five Thumb Postulate:
-	Experience varies directly with equipment ruined.
-%
-Horngren's Observation:
-	Among economists, the real world is often a special case.
-%
-Household hint:
-	If you are out of cream for your coffee, mayonnaise makes a
-	dandy substitute.
-%
-HOW YOU CAN TELL THAT IT'S GOING TO BE A ROTTEN DAY:
-	#1040 Your income tax refund cheque bounces.
-%
-HOW YOU CAN TELL THAT IT'S GOING TO BE A ROTTEN DAY:
-	#15 Your pet rock snaps at you.
-%
-HOW YOU CAN TELL THAT IT'S GOING TO BE A ROTTEN DAY:
-	#32: You call your answering service and they've never heard of you.
-%
-Howe's Law:
-	Everyone has a scheme that will not work.
-%
-Hubbard's Law:
-	Don't take life too seriously; you won't get out of it alive.
-%
-Hurewitz's Memory Principle:
-	The chance of forgetting something is directly proportional
-	to... to... uh.....
-%
-IBM Pollyanna Principle:
-	Machines should work.  People should think.
-%
-IBM's original motto:
-	Cogito ergo vendo; vendo ergo sum.
-%
-IBM:
-	[International Business Machines Corp.]  Also known as Itty Bitty
-	Machines or The Lawyer's Friend.  The dominant force in computer
-	marketing, having supplied worldwide some 75% of all known hardware
-	and 10% of all software.  To protect itself from the litigious envy
-	of less successful organizations, such as the US government, IBM
-	employs 68% of all known ex-Attorneys' General.
-%
-IBM:
-	I've Been Moved
-	Idiots Become Managers
-	Idiots Buy More
-	Impossible to Buy Machine
-	Incredibly Big Machine
-	Industry's Biggest Mistake
-	International Brotherhood of Mercenaries
-	It Boggles the Mind
-	It's Better Manually
-	Itty-Bitty Machines
-%
-IBM:
-	It may be slow, but it's hard to use.
-%
-idiot box, n.:
-	The part of the envelope that tells a person where to place the
-	stamp when they can't quite figure it out for themselves.
-		-- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
-%
-Idiot, n.:
-	A member of a large and powerful tribe whose influence in human
-	affairs has always been dominant and controlling.
-		-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
-%
-idleness, n.:
-	Leisure gone to seed.
-%
-ignisecond, n:
-	The overlapping moment of time when the hand is locking the car
-	door even as the brain is saying, "my keys are in there!"
-		-- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
-%
-ignorance, n.:
-	When you don't know anything, and someone else finds out.
-%
-Iles's Law:
-	There is always an easier way to do it.  When looking directly
-	at the easy way, especially for long periods, you will not see it.
-	Neither will Iles.
-%
-Imbesi's Law with Freeman's Extension:
-	In order for something to become clean, something else must
-	become dirty; but you can get everything dirty without getting
-	anything clean.
-%
-Immutability, Three Rules of:
-	(1)  If a tarpaulin can flap, it will.
-	(2)  If a small boy can get dirty, he will.
-	(3)  If a teenager can go out, he will.
-%
-Impartial, adj.:
-	Unable to perceive any promise of personal advantage from
-	espousing either side of a controversy or adopting either of two
-	conflicting opinions.
-		-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
-%
-inbox, n.:
-	A catch basin for everything you don't want to deal with, but
-	are afraid to throw away.
-%
-incentive program, n.:
-	The system of long and short-term rewards that a corporation uses
-	to motivate its people.  Still, despite all the experimentation with
-	profit sharing, stock options, and the like, the most effective
-	incentive program to date seems to be "Do a good job and you get to
-	keep it."
-%
-Incumbent, n.:
-	Person of liveliest interest to the outcumbents.
-		-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
-%
-index, n.:
-	Alphabetical list of words of no possible interest where an
-	alphabetical list of subjects with references ought to be.
-%
-Infancy, n.:
-	The period of our lives when, according to Wordsworth, "Heaven lies
-	about us."  The world begins lying about us pretty soon afterward.
-		-- Ambrose Bierce
-%
-Information Center, n.:
-	A room staffed by professional computer people whose job it is to
-	tell you why you cannot have the information you require.
-%
-Information Processing:
-	What you call data processing when people are so disgusted with
-	it they won't let it be discussed in their presence.
-%
-Ingrate, n.:
-	A man who bites the hand that feeds him, and then complains of
-	indigestion.
-%
-ink, n.:
-	A villainous compound of tannogallate of iron, gum-arabic,
-	and water, chiefly used to facilitate the infection of
-	idiocy and promote intellectual crime.
-		-- H.L. Mencken
-%
-innovate, v.:
-	To annoy people.
-%
-insecurity, n.:
-	Finding out that you've mispronounced for years one of your
-	favorite words.
-
-	Realizing halfway through a joke that you're telling it to
-	the person who told it to you.
-%
-interest, n.:
-	What borrowers pay, lenders receive, stockholders own, and
-	burned out employees must feign.
-%
-Interpreter, n.:
-	One who enables two persons of different languages to
-	understand each other by repeating to each what it would have been to
-	the interpreter's advantage for the other to have said.
-		-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
-%
-intoxicated, adj.:
-	When you feel sophisticated without being able to pronounce it.
-%
-Iron Law of Distribution:
-	Them that has, gets.
-%
-ISO applications:
-	A solution in search of a problem!
-%
-Issawi's Laws of Progress:
-	The Course of Progress:
-		Most things get steadily worse.
-	The Path of Progress:
-		A shortcut is the longest distance between two points.
-%
-It is fruitless:
-	to become lachrymose over precipitately departed lactate fluid.
-
-	to attempt to indoctrinate a superannuated canine with
-	innovative maneuvers.
-%
-"It's in process":
-	So wrapped up in red tape that the situation is almost hopeless.
-%
-italic, adj:
-	Slanted to the right to emphasize key phrases.  Unique to
-	Western alphabets; in Eastern languages, the same phrases
-	are often slanted to the left.
-%
-Jacquin's Postulate on Democratic Government:
-	No man's life, liberty, or property are safe while the
-	legislature is in session.
-%
-Jenkinson's Law:
-	It won't work.
-%
-Jim Nasium's Law:
-	In a large locker room with hundreds of lockers, the few people
-	using the facility at any one time will all have lockers next to
-	each other so that everybody is cramped.
-%
-job interview, n.:
-	The excruciating process during which personnel officers
-	separate the wheat from the chaff -- then hire the chaff.
-%
-job Placement, n.:
-	Telling your boss what he can do with your job.
-%
-jogger, n.:
-	An odd sort of person with a thing for pain.
-%
-Johnny Carson's Definition:
-	The smallest interval of time known to man is that which occurs
-	in Manhattan between the traffic signal turning green and the
-	taxi driver behind you blowing his horn.
-%
-Johnson's First Law:
-	When any mechanical contrivance fails, it will do so at the
-	most inconvenient possible time.
-%
-Johnson's law:
-	Systems resemble the organizations that create them.
-%
-Jones' First Law:
-	Anyone who makes a significant contribution to any field of
-	endeavor, and stays in that field long enough, becomes an
-	obstruction to its progress -- in direct proportion to the
-	importance of their original contribution.
-%
-Jones' Motto:
-	Friends come and go, but enemies accumulate.
-%
-Jones' Second Law:
-	The man who smiles when things go wrong has thought of someone
-	to blame it on.
-%
-Juall's Law on Nice Guys:
-	Nice guys don't always finish last; sometimes they don't finish.
-	Sometimes they don't even get a chance to start!
-%
-Justice, n.:
-	A decision in your favor.
-%
-Kafka's Law:
-	In the fight between you and the world, back the world.
-		-- Franz Kafka, "RS's 1974 Expectation of Days"
-%
-Karlson's Theorem of Snack Food Packages:
-	For all P, where P is a package of snack food, P is a SINGLE-SERVING
-	package of snack food.
-
-Gibson the Cat's Corrolary:
-	For all L, where L is a package of lunch meat, L is Gibson's package
-	of lunch meat.
-%
-Katz' Law:
-	Men and nations will act rationally when
-	all other possibilities have been exhausted.
-
-History teaches us that men and nations behave wisely once they have
-exhausted all other alternatives.
-		-- Abba Eban
-%
-Kaufman's First Law of Party Physics:
-	Population density is inversely proportional
-	to the square of the distance from the keg.
-%
-Kaufman's Law:
-	A policy is a restrictive document to prevent a recurrence
-	of a single incident, in which that incident is never mentioned.
-%
-Keep in mind always the four constant Laws of Frisbee:
-	(1) The most powerful force in the world is that of a disc
-	   straining to land under a car, just out of reach (this
-	   force is technically termed "car suck").
-	(2) Never precede any maneuver by a comment more predictive
-	   than "Watch this!"
-	(3) The probability of a Frisbee hitting something is directly
-	   proportional to the cost of hitting it.  For instance, a
-	   Frisbee will always head directly towards a policeman or
-	   a little old lady rather than the beat up Chevy.
-	(4) Your best throw happens when no one is watching; when the
-	   cute girl you've been trying to impress is watching, the
-	   Frisbee will invariably bounce out of your hand or hit you
-	   in the head and knock you silly.
-%
-Kennedy's Market Theorem:
-	Given enough inside information and unlimited credit,
-	you've got to go broke.
-%
-Kent's Heuristic:
-	Look for it first where you'd most like to find it.
-%
-kern, v.:
-	1. To pack type together as tightly as the kernels on an ear
-	of corn.  2. In parts of Brooklyn and Queens, N.Y., a small,
-	metal object used as part of the monetary system.
-%
-kernel, n.:
-	A part of an operating system that preserves the medieval
-	traditions of sorcery and black art.
-%
-Kettering's Observation:
-	Logic is an organized way of going wrong with confidence.
-%
-Kime's Law for the Reward of Meekness:
-	Turning the other cheek merely ensures two bruised cheeks.
-%
-Kin, n.:
-	An affliction of the blood.
-%
-Kington's Law of Perforation:
-	If a straight line of holes is made in a piece of paper, such
-	as a sheet of stamps or a check, that line becomes the strongest
-	part of the paper.
-%
-Kinkler's First Law:
-	Responsibility always exceeds authority.
-
-Kinkler's Second Law:
-	All the easy problems have been solved.
-%
-Kliban's First Law of Dining:
-	Never eat anything bigger than your head.
-%
-Kludge, n.:
-	An ill-assorted collection of poorly-matching parts, forming a
-	distressing whole.
-		-- Jackson Granholm, "Datamation"
-%
-Knebel's Law:
-	It is now proved beyond doubt that smoking is one of the leading
-	causes of statistics.
-%
-knowledge, n.:
-	Things you believe.
-%
-Kramer's Law:
-	You can never tell which way the train went by looking at the tracks.
-%
-Krogt, n. (chemical symbol: Kr):
-	The metallic silver coating found on fast-food game cards.
-		-- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
-%
-Labor, n.:
-	One of the processes by which A acquires property for B.
-		-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
-%
-Lackland's Laws:
-	(1) Never be first.
-	(2) Never be last.
-	(3) Never volunteer for anything
-%
-Lactomangulation, n.:
-	Manhandling the "open here" spout on a milk carton so badly
-	that one has to resort to using the "illegal" side.
-		-- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
-%
-Langsam's Laws:
-	(1) Everything depends.
-	(2) Nothing is always.
-	(3) Everything is sometimes.
-%
-Larkinson's Law:
-	All laws are basically false.
-%
-laser, n.:
-	Failed death ray.
-%
-Laura's Law:
-	No child throws up in the bathroom.
-%
-Law of Communications:
-	The inevitable result of improved and enlarged communications
-	between different levels in a hierarchy is a vastly increased
-	area of misunderstanding.
-%
-Law of Continuity:
-	Experiments should be reproducible.  They should all fail the same way.
-%
-Law of Procrastination:
-	Procrastination avoids boredom; one never has
-	the feeling that there is nothing important to do.
-%
-Law of Selective Gravity:
-	An object will fall so as to do the most damage.
-
-Jenning's Corollary:
-	The chance of the bread falling with the buttered side
-	down is directly proportional to the cost of the carpet.
-
-Law of the Perversity of Nature:
-	You cannot determine beforehand which side of the bread to butter.
-%
-Law of the Jungle:
-	He who hesitates is lunch.
-%
-Laws of Computer Programming:
-	(1) Any given program, when running, is obsolete.
-	(2) Any given program costs more and takes longer.
-	(3) If a program is useful, it will have to be changed.
-	(4) If a program is useless, it will have to be documented.
-	(5) Any given program will expand to fill all available memory.
-	(6) The value of a program is proportional the weight of its output.
-	(7) Program complexity grows until it exceeds the capability of
-		the programmer who must maintain it.
-%
-Laws of Serendipity:
-	(1) In order to discover anything, you must be looking for something.
-	(2) If you wish to make an improved product, you must already
-	    be engaged in making an inferior one.
-%
-lawsuit, n.:
-	A machine which you go into as a pig and come out as a sausage.
-		-- Ambrose Bierce
-%
-Lawyer's Rule:
-	When the law is against you, argue the facts.
-	When the facts are against you, argue the law.
-	When both are against you, call the other lawyer names.
-%
-Lazlo's Chinese Relativity Axiom:
-	No matter how great your triumphs or how tragic your defeats --
-	approximately one billion Chinese couldn't care less.
-%
-learning curve, n.:
-	An astonishing new theory, discovered by management consultants
-	in the 1970's, asserting that the more you do something the
-	quicker you can do it.
-%
-Lee's Law:
-	Mother said there would be days like this,
-	but she never said that there'd be so many!
-%
-Leibowitz's Rule:
-	When hammering a nail, you will never hit your
-	finger if you hold the hammer with both hands.
-%
-Lemma:  All horses are the same color.
-Proof (by induction):
-	Case n = 1: In a set with only one horse, it is obvious that all
-	horses in that set are the same color.
-	Case n = k: Suppose you have a set of k+1 horses.  Pull one of these
-	horses out of the set, so that you have k horses.  Suppose that all
-	of these horses are the same color.  Now put back the horse that you
-	took out, and pull out a different one.  Suppose that all of the k
-	horses now in the set are the same color.  Then the set of k+1 horses
-	are all the same color.  We have k true => k+1 true; therefore all
-	horses are the same color.
-Theorem: All horses have an infinite number of legs.
-Proof (by intimidation):
-	Everyone would agree that all horses have an even number of legs.  It
-	is also well-known that horses have forelegs in front and two legs in
-	back.  4 + 2 = 6 legs, which is certainly an odd number of legs for a
-	horse to have!  Now the only number that is both even and odd is
-	infinity; therefore all horses have an infinite number of legs.
-	However, suppose that there is a horse somewhere that does not have an
-	infinite number of legs.  Well, that would be a horse of a different
-	color; and by the Lemma, it doesn't exist.
-%
-leverage, n.:
-	Even if someone doesn't care what the world thinks
-	about them, they always hope their mother doesn't find out.
-%
-Lewis's Law of Travel:
-	The first piece of luggage out of the chute doesn't belong to anyone,
-	ever.
-%
-Liar, n.:
-	A lawyer with a roving commission.
-		-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
-%
-Liar:
-	one who tells an unpleasant truth.
-		-- Oliver Herford
-%
-Lie, n.:
-	A very poor substitute for the truth, but the only one
-	discovered to date.
-%
-Lieberman's Law:
-	Everybody lies, but it doesn't matter since nobody listens.
-%
-life, n.:
-	A whim of several billion cells to be you for a while.
-%
-life, n.:
-	Learning about people the hard way -- by being one.
-%
-life, n.:
-	That brief interlude between nothingness and eternity.
-%
-lighthouse, n.:
-	A tall building on the seashore in which the government
-	maintains a lamp and the friend of a politician.
-%
-like:
-	When being alive at the same time is a wonderful coincidence.
-%
-Linus' Law:
-	There is no heavier burden than a great potential.
-%
-lisp, v.:
-	To call a spade a thpade.
-%
-Lockwood's Long Shot:
-	The chances of getting eaten up by a lion on Main Street
-	aren't one in a million, but once would be enough.
-%
-love,  n.:
-	Love ties in a knot in the end of the rope.
-%
-love, n.:
-	When it's growing, you don't mind watering it with a few tears.
-%
-love, n.:
-	When you don't want someone too close--because you're very sensitive
-	to pleasure.
-%
-love, n.:
-	When you like to think of someone on days that begin with a morning.
-%
-love, n.:
-	When, if asked to choose between your lover
-	and happiness, you'd skip happiness in a heartbeat.
-%
-love, v.:
-	I'll let you play with my life if you'll let me play with yours.
-%
-Lowery's Law:
-	If it jams -- force it.  If it breaks, it needed replacing anyway.
-%
-Lubarsky's Law of Cybernetic Entomology:
-	There's always one more bug.
-%
-Lunatic Asylum, n.:
-	The place where optimism most flourishes.
-%
-Machine-Independent, adj.:
-	Does not run on any existing machine.
-%
-Mad, adj.:
-	Affected with a high degree of intellectual independence ...
-		-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
-%
-Madison's Inquiry:
-	If you have to travel on the Titanic, why not go first class?
-%
-MAFIA, n:
-	[Acronym for Mechanized Applications in Forced Insurance
-Accounting.] An extensive network with many on-line and offshore
-subsystems running under OS, DOS, and IOS.  MAFIA documentation is
-rather scanty, and the MAFIA sales office exhibits that testy
-reluctance to bona fide inquiries which is the hallmark of so many DP
-operations.  From the little that has seeped out, it would appear that
-MAFIA operates under a non-standard protocol, OMERTA, a tight-lipped
-variant of SNA, in which extended handshakes also perform complex
-security functions.  The known timesharing aspects of MAFIA point to a
-more than usually autocratic operating system.  Screen prompts carry an
-imperative, nonrefusable weighting (most menus offer simple YES/YES
-options, defaulting to YES) that precludes indifference or delay.
-Uniquely, all editing under MAFIA is performed centrally, using a
-powerful rubout feature capable of erasing files, filors, filees, and
-entire nodal aggravations.
-		-- Stan Kelly-Bootle, "The Devil's DP Dictionary"
-%
-Magary's Principle:
-	When there is a public outcry to cut deadwood and fat from any
-	government bureaucracy, it is the deadwood and the fat that do
-	the cutting, and the public's services are cut.
-%
-Magnet, n.:
-	Something acted upon by magnetism.
-
-Magnetism, n.:
-	Something acting upon a magnet.
-
-The two definition immediately foregoing are condensed from the works of
-one thousand eminent scientists, who have illuminated the subject with
-a great white light, to the inexpressible advancement of human knowledge.
-		-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
-%
-Magnocartic, adj.:
-	Any automobile that, when left unattended, attracts shopping carts.
-		-- Sniglets, "Rich Hall & Friends"
-%
-Magpie, n.:
-	A bird whose theivish disposition suggested to someone that it
-	might be taught to talk.
-		-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
-%
-Maier's Law:
-	If the facts do not conform to the theory, they must be disposed of.
-		-- N.R. Maier, "American Psychologist", March 1960
-
-Corollaries:
-	(1) The bigger the theory, the better.
-	(2) The experiment may be considered a success if no more than
-	    50% of the observed measurements must be discarded to
-	    obtain a correspondence with the theory.
-%
-Main's Law:
-	For every action there is an equal and opposite government program.
-%
-Maintainer's Motto:
-	If we can't fix it, it ain't broke.
-%
-Major premise:
-	Sixty men can do sixty times as much work as one man.
-Minor premise:
-	A man can dig a posthole in sixty seconds.
-Conclusion:
-	Sixty men can dig a posthole in one second.
-		-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
-
-Secondary Conclusion:
-	Do you realize how many holes there would be if people
-	would just take the time to take the dirt out of them?
-%
-Majority, n.:
-	That quality that distinguishes a crime from a law.
-%
-Male, n.:
-	A member of the unconsidered, or negligible sex.  The male of the
-	human race is commonly known to the female as Mere Man.  The genus
-	has two varieties:  good providers and bad providers.
-		-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
-%
-Malek's Law:
-	Any simple idea will be worded in the most complicated way.
-%
-malpractice, n.:
-	The reason surgeons wear masks.
-%
-management, n.:
-	The art of getting other people to do all the work.
-%
-manic-depressive, adj.:
-	Easy glum, easy glow.
-%
-Manly's Maxim:
-	Logic is a systematic method of coming to the wrong conclusion
-	with confidence.
-%
-manual, n.:
-	A unit of documentation.  There are always three or more on a given
-	item.  One is on the shelf; someone has the others.  The information
-	you need in in the others.
-		-- Ray Simard
-%
-Mark's Dental-Chair Discovery:
-	Dentists are incapable of asking questions that require a
-	simple yes or no answer.
-%
-marriage, n.:
-	An old, established institution, entered into by two people deeply
-	in love and desiring to make a committment to each other expressing
-	that love.  In short, committment to an institution.
-%
-marriage, n.:
-	Convertible bonds.
-%
-Marriage, n.:
-	The evil aye.
-%
-Marxist Law of Distribution of Wealth:
-	Shortages will be divided equally among the peasants.
-%
-Maryann's Law:
-	You can always find what you're not looking for.
-%
-Maslow's Maxim:
-	If the only tool you have is a hammer, you treat everything like 
-	a nail.
-%
-Mason's First Law of Synergism:
-	The one day you'd sell your soul for something, souls are a glut.
-%
-mathematician, n.:
-	Some one who believes imaginary things appear right before your _i's.
-%
-Matz's Law:
-	A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
-%
-May's Law:
-	The quality of correlation is inversly proportional to the density
-	of control.  (The fewer the data points, the smoother the curves.)
-%
-McEwan's Rule of Relative Importance:
-	When traveling with a herd of elephants, don't be the first to
-	lie down and rest.
-%
-McGowan's Madison Avenue Axiom:
-	If an item is advertised as "under $50", you can bet it's not $19.95.
-%
-Meade's Maxim:
-	Always remember that you are absolutely unique, just like everyone else.
-%
-Meader's Law:
-	Whatever happens to you, it will previously
-	have happened to everyone you know, only more so.
-%
-meeting, n.:
-	An assembly of people coming together to decide what person or
-	department not represented in the room must solve a problem.
-%
-meetings, n.:
-	A place where minutes are kept and hours are lost.
-%
-memo, n.:
-	An interoffice communication too often written more for the benefit
-	of the person who sends it than the person who receives it.
-%
-Mencken and Nathan's Fifteenth Law of The Average American:
-	The worst actress in the company is always the manager's wife.
-%
-Mencken and Nathan's Ninth Law of The Average American:
-	The quality of a champagne is judged by the amount of noise the
-	cork makes when it is popped.
-%
-Mencken and Nathan's Second Law of The Average American:
-	All the postmasters in small towns read all the postcards.
-%
-Mencken and Nathan's Sixteenth Law of The Average American:
-	Milking a cow is an operation demanding a special talent that
-	is possessed only by yokels, and no person born in a large city can
-	never hope to acquire it.
-%
-Menu, n.:
-	A list of dishes which the restaurant has just run out of.
-%
-Meskimen's Law:
-	There's never time to do it right, but there's always time to
-	do it over.
-%
-meterologist, n.:
-	One who doubts the established fact that it is
-	bound to rain if you forget your umbrella.
-%
-methionylglutaminylarginyltyrosylglutamylserylleucylphenylalanylalanylglutamin-
-ylleucyllysylglutamylarginyllysylglutamylglycylalanylphenylalanylvalylprolyl-
-phenylalanylvalylthreonylleucylglycylaspartylprolylglycylisoleucylglutamylglu-
-taminylserylleucyllysylisoleucylaspartylthreonylleucylisoleucylglutamylalanyl-
-glycylalanylaspartylalanylleucylglutamylleucylglycylisoleucylprolylphenylala-
-nylserylaspartylprolylleucylalanylaspartylglycylprolylthreonylisoleucylgluta-
-minylasparaginylalanylthreonylleucylarginylalanylphenylalanylalanylalanylgly-
-cylvalylthreonylprolylalanylglutaminylcysteinylphenylalanylglutamylmethionyl-
-leucylalanylleucylisoleucylarginylglutaminyllysylhistidylprolylthreonylisoleu-
-cylprolylisoleucylglycylleucylleucylmethionyltyrosylalanylasparaginylleucylva-
-lylphenylalanylasparaginyllysylglycylisoleucylaspartylglutamylphenylalanyltyro-
-sylalanylglutaminylcysteinylglutamyllysylvalylglycylvalylaspartylserylvalylleu-
-cylvalylalanylaspartylvalylprolylvalylglutaminylglutamylserylalanylprolylphe-
-nylalanylarginylglutaminylalanylalanylleucylarginylhistidylasparaginylvalylala-
-nylprolylisoleucylphenylalanylisoleucylcysteinylprolylprolylaspartylalanylas-
-partylaspartylaspartylleucylleucylarginylglutaminylisoleucylalanylseryltyrosyl-
-glycylarginylglycyltyrosylthreonyltyrosylleucylleucylserylarginylalanylglycyl-
-valylthreonylglycylalanylglutamylasparaginylarginylalanylalanylleucylprolylleu-
-cylasparaginylhistidylleucylvalylalanyllysylleucyllysylglutamyltyrosylasparagi-
-nylalanylalanylprolylprolylleucylglutaminylglycylphenylalanylglycylisoleucylse-
-rylalanylprolylaspartylglutaminylvalyllysylalanylalanylisoleucylaspartylalanyl-
-glycylalanylalanylglycylalanylisoleucylserylglycylserylalanylisoleucylvalylly-
-sylisoleucylisoleucylglutamylglutaminylhistidylasparaginylisoleucylglutamylpro-
-lylglutamyllysylmethionylleucylalanylalanylleucyllysylvalylphenylalanylvalyl-
-glutaminylprolylmethionyllysylalanylalanylthreonylarginylserine, n.:
-	The chemical name for tryptophan synthetase A protein, a
-	1,913-letter enzyme with 267 amino acids.
-		-- Mrs. Byrne's Dictionary of Unusual, Obscure, and
-		   Preposterous Words
-%
-Micro Credo:
-	Never trust a computer bigger than you can lift.
-%
-micro:
-	Thinker toys.
-%
-Miksch's Law:
-	If a string has one end, then it has another end.
-%
-Miller's Slogan:
-	Lose a few, lose a few.
-%
-millihelen, n.:
-	The amount of beauty required to launch one ship.
-%
-Minicomputer:
-	A computer that can be afforded on the budget of a middle-level manager.
-%
-MIPS:
-	Meaningless Indicator of Processor Speed
-%
-Misfortune, n.:
-	The kind of fortune that never misses.
-		-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
-%
-MIT:
-	The Georgia Tech of the North
-%
-Mitchell's Law of Committees:
-	Any simple problem can be made insoluble if enough meetings are
-	held to discuss it.
-%
-mittsquinter, adj.:
-	A ballplayer who looks into his glove after missing the ball, as
-	if, somehow, the cause of the error lies there.
-		-- "Sniglets", Rich Hall & Friends
-%
-Mix's Law:
-	There is nothing more permanent than a temporary building.
-	There is nothing more permanent than a temporary tax.
-%
-mixed emotions:
-	Watching a bus-load of lawyers plunge off a cliff.
-	With five empty seats.
-%
-mixed emotions:
-	Watching your mother-in-law back off a cliff...
-	in your brand new Mercedes.
-%
-modem, adj.:
-	Up-to-date, new-fangled, as in "Thoroughly Modem Millie."  An
-	unfortunate byproduct of kerning.
-
-	[That's sic!]
-%
-modesty, n.:
-	Being comfortable that others will discover your greatness.
-%
-Modesty:
-	The gentle art of enhancing your charm by pretending not to be
-	aware of it.
-		-- Oliver Herford
-%
-Molecule, n.:
-	The ultimate, indivisible unit of matter.  It is distinguished
-	from the corpuscle, also the ultimate, indivisible unit of matter, by a
-	closer resemblance to the atom, also the ultimate, indivisible unit of
-	matter ... The ion differs from the molecule, the corpuscle and the
-	atom in that it is an ion ...
-	-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
-%
-Mollison's Bureaucracy Hypothesis:
-	If an idea can survive a bureaucratic review and be implemented
-	it wasn't worth doing.
-%
-momentum, n.:
-	What you give a person when they are going away.
-%
-Moon, n.:
-	1. A celestial object whose phase is very important to hackers.  See 
-	PHASE OF THE MOON.  2. Dave Moon (MOON@MC).
-%
-Moore's Constant:
-	Everybody sets out to do something, and everybody
-	does something, but no one does what he sets out to do.
-%
-mophobia, n.:
-	Fear of being verbally abused by a Mississippian.
-%
-Morton's Law:
-	If rats are experimented upon, they will develop cancer.
-%
-Mosher's Law of Software Engineering:
-	Don't worry if it doesn't work right.  If everything did, you'd
-	be out of a job.
-%
-Mr. Cole's Axiom:
-	The sum of the intelligence on the planet is a constant; the
-	population is growing.
-%
-mummy, n.:
-	An Egyptian who was pressed for time.
-%
-Murphy's Law of Research:
-	Enough research will tend to support your theory.
-%
-Murphy's Laws:
-	(1) If anything can go wrong, it will.
-	(2) Nothing is as easy as it looks.
-	(3) Everything takes longer than you think it will.
-%
-Murray's Rule:
-	Any country with "democratic" in the title isn't.
-%
-Mustgo, n.:
-	Any item of food that has been sitting in the refrigerator so
-	long it has become a science project.
-		-- Sniglets, "Rich Hall & Friends"
-%
-My father taught me three things:
-	(1) Never mix whiskey with anything but water.
-	(2) Never try to draw to an inside straight.
-	(3) Never discuss business with anyone who refuses to give his name.
-%
-Nachman's Rule:
-	When it comes to foreign food, the less authentic the better.
-		-- Gerald Nachman
-%
-narcolepulacyi, n.:
-	The contagious action of yawning, causing everyone in sight
-	to also yawn.
-		-- "Sniglets", Rich Hall & Friends
-%
-nerd pack, n.:
-	Plastic pouch worn in breast pocket to keep pens from soiling
-	clothes.  Nerd's position in engineering hierarchy can be measured
-	by number of pens, grease pencils, and rulers bristling	in his pack.
-%
-neutron bomb, n.:
-	An explosive device of limited military value because, as
-	it only destroys people without destroying property, it
-	must be used in conjunction with bombs that destroy property.
-%
-new, adj.:
-	Different color from previous model.
-%
-Newlan's Truism:
-	An "acceptable" level of unemployment means that the 
-	government economist to whom it is acceptable still has a job.
-%
-Newman's Discovery:
-	Your best dreams may not come true; fortunately, neither will
-	your worst dreams.
-%
-Newton's Law of Gravitation:
-	What goes up must come down.  But don't expect it to come down where
-	you can find it.  Murphy's Law applies to Newton's.
-%
-Newton's Little-Known Seventh Law:
-	A bird in the hand is safer than one overhead.
-%
-Nick the Greek's Law of Life:
-	All things considered, life is 9 to 5 against.
-%
-Ninety-Ninety Rule of Project Schedules:
-	The first ninety percent of the task takes ninety percent of
-	the time, and the last ten percent takes the other ninety percent.
-%
-no brainer:
-	A decision which, viewed through the retrospectoscope,
-	is "obvious" to those who failed to make it originally.
-%
-no maintenance:
-	Impossible to fix.
-%
-nolo contendere:
-	A legal term meaning: "I didn't do it, judge, and I'll never do
-	it again."
-%
-nominal egg:
-	New Yorkerese for expensive.
-%
-Non-Reciprocal Laws of Expectations:
-	Negative expectations yield negative results.
-	Positive expectations yield negative results.
-%
-Nouvelle cuisine, n.:
-	French for "not enough food".
-
-Continental breakfast, n.:
-	English for "not enough food".
-
-Tapas, n.:
-	Spanish for "not enough food".
-
-Dim Sum, n.:
-	Chinese for more food than you've ever seen in your entire life.
-%
-November, n.:
-	The eleventh twelfth of a weariness.
-		-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
-%
-Novinson's Revolutionary Discovery:
-	When comes the revolution, things will be different --
-	not better, just different.
-%
-Nowlan's Theory:
-	He who hesitates is not only lost, but several miles from
-	the next freeway exit.
-%
-Nusbaum's Rule:
-	The more pretentious the corporate name, the smaller the
-	organization.  (For instance, the Murphy Center for the
-	Codification of Human and Organizational Law, contrasted
-	to IBM, GM, and AT&T.)
-%
-O'Brian's Law:
-	Everything is always done for the wrong reasons.
-%
-O'Reilly's Law of the Kitchen:
-	Cleanliness is next to impossible
-%
-O'Toole's commentary on Murphy's Law:
-	Murphy was an optimist.
-%
-Occam's eraser:
-	The philosophical principle that even the simplest
-	solution is bound to have something wrong with it.
-%
-Office Automation:
-	The use of computers to improve efficiency in the office
-	by removing anyone you would want to talk with over coffee.
-%
-Official Project Stages:
-	(1) Uncritical Acceptance
-	(2) Wild Enthusiasm
-	(3) Dejected Disillusionment
-	(4) Total Confusion
-	(5) Search for the Guilty
-	(6) Punishment of the Innocent
-	(7) Promotion of the Non-participants
-%
-Ogden's Law:
-	The sooner you fall behind, the more time you have to catch up.
-%
-Old Japanese proverb:
-	There are two kinds of fools -- those who never climb Mt. Fuji,
-	and those who climb it twice.
-%
-Old timer, n.:
-	One who remembers when charity was a virtue and not an organization.
-%
-Oliver's Law:
-	Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
-%
-Olmstead's Law:
-	After all is said and done, a hell of a lot more is said than done.
-%
-omnibiblious, adj.:
-	Indifferent to type of drink.  Ex: "Oh, you can get me anything.
-	I'm omnibiblious."
-%
-On ability:
-	A dwarf is small, even if he stands on a mountain top;
-	a colossus keeps his height, even if he stands in a well.
-		-- Lucius Annaeus Seneca, 4BC - 65AD
-%
-On the subject of C program indentation:
-	"In My Egotistical Opinion, most people's C programs should be
-	indented six feet downward and covered with dirt."
-		-- Blair P. Houghton
-%
-On-line, adj.:
-	The idea that a human being should always be accessible to a computer.
-%
-Once, adv.:
-	Enough.
-		-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
-%
-One Page Principle:
-	A specification that will not fit on one page of 8.5x11 inch
-	paper cannot be understood.
-		-- Mark Ardis
-%
-"One size fits all":
-	Doesn't fit anyone.
-%
-One-Shot Case Study, n.:
-	The scientific equivalent of the four-leaf clover, from which it is
-	concluded all clovers possess four leaves and are sometimes green.
-%
-Optimism, n.:
-	The belief that everything is beautiful, including what is ugly, good,
-	bad, and everything right that is wrong.  It is held with greatest
-	tenacity by those accustomed to falling into adversity, and most
-	acceptably expounded with the grin that apes a smile.  Being a blind
-	faith, it is inaccessible to the light of disproof -- an intellectual
-	disorder, yielding to no treatment but death.  It is hereditary, but
-	not contagious.
-%
-optimist, n.:
-	A proponent of the belief that black is white.
-
-	A pessimist asked God for relief.
-	"Ah, you wish me to restore your hope and cheerfulness," said God.
-	"No," replied the petitioner, "I wish you to create something that
-would justify them."
-	"The world is all created," said God, "but you have overlooked
-something -- the mortality of the optimist."
-		-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
-%
-optimist, n:
-	A bagpiper with a beeper.
-%
-Oregano, n.:
-	The ancient Italian art of pizza folding.
-%
-Osborn's Law:
-	Variables won't; constants aren't.
-%
-Ozman's Laws:
-	(1)  If someone says he will do something "without fail," he won't.
-	(2)  The more people talk on the phone, the less money they make.
-	(3)  People who go to conferences are the ones who shouldn't.
-	(4)  Pizza always burns the roof of your mouth.
-%
-pain, n.:
-	One thing, at least it proves that you're alive!
-%
-Painting, n.:
-	The art of protecting flat surfaces from the weather, and
-	exposing them to the critic.
-		-- Ambrose Bierce
-%
-Pandora's Rule:
-	Never open a box you didn't close.
-%
-Paprika Measure:
-	2 dashes    ==  1smidgen
-	2 smidgens  ==  1 pinch
-	3 pinches   ==  1 soupcon
-	2 soupcons  ==  2 much paprika
-%
-paranoia, n.:
-	A healthy understanding of the way the universe works.
-%
-Pardo's First Postulate:
-	Anything good in life is either illegal, immoral, or fattening.
-
-Arnold's Addendum:
-	Everything else causes cancer in rats.
-%
-Parkinson's Fifth Law:
-	If there is a way to delay in important decision, the good
-	bureaucracy, public or private, will find it.
-%
-Parkinson's Fourth Law:
-	The number of people in any working group tends to increase
-	regardless of the amount of work to be done.
-%
-party, n.:
-	A gathering where you meet people who drink
-	so much you can't even remember their names.
-%
-Pascal Users:
-	The Pascal system will be replaced next Tuesday by Cobol.
-	Please modify your programs accordingly.
-%
-Pascal Users:
-	To show respect for the 313th anniversary (tomorrow) of the
-	death of Blaise Pascal, your programs will be run at half speed.
-%
-Pascal:
-	A programming language named after a man who would turn over
-	in his grave if he knew about it.
-		-- Datamation, January 15, 1984
-%
-Password:
-%
-Patageometry, n.:
-	The study of those mathematical properties that are invariant
-	under brain transplants.
-%
-patent:
-	A method of publicizing inventions so others can copy them.
-%
-Paul's Law:
-	In America, it's not how much an item costs, it's how much you save.
-%
-Paul's Law:
-	You can't fall off the floor.
-%
-paycheck:
-	The weekly $5.27 that remains after deductions for federal
-	withholding, state withholding, city withholding, FICA,
-	medical/dental, long-term disability, unemployment insurance,
-	Christmas Club, and payroll savings plan contributions.
-%
-Peace, n.:
-	In international affairs, a period of cheating between two
-	periods of fighting.
-		-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
-%
-Pecor's Health-Food Principle:
-	Never eat rutabaga on any day of the week that has a "y" in it.
-%
-Pedaeration, n.:
-	The perfect body heat achieved by having one leg under the
-	sheet and one hanging off the edge of the bed.
-		-- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
-%
-pediddel:
-	A car with only one working headlight.
-		-- "Sniglets", Rich Hall & Friends
-%
-Peers's Law:
-	The solution to a problem changes the nature of the problem.
-%
-Penguin Trivia #46:
-	Animals who are not penguins can only wish they were.
-		-- Chicago Reader 10/15/82
-%
-pension:
-	A federally insured chain letter.
-%
-People's Action Rules:
-	(1) Some people who can, shouldn't.
-	(2) Some people who should, won't.
-	(3) Some people who shouldn't, will.
-	(4) Some people who can't, will try, regardless.
-	(5) Some people who shouldn't, but try, will then blame others.
-%
-perfect guest:
-	One who makes his host feel at home.
-%
-Performance:
-	A statement of the speed at which a computer system works.  Or
-	rather, might work under certain circumstances.  Or was rumored
-	to be working over in Jersey about a month ago.
-%
-pessimist:
-	A man who spends all his time worrying about how he can keep the
-	wolf from the door.
-
-optimist:
-	A man who refuses to see the wolf until he seizes the seat of
-	his pants.
-
-opportunist:
-	A man who invites the wolf in and appears the next day in a fur coat.
-%
-Peter's Law of Substitution:
-	Look after the molehills, and the
-	mountains will look after themselves.
-
-Peter's Principle of Success:
-	Get up one time more than you're knocked down.
-
-%
-Peterson's Admonition:
-	When you think you're going down for the third time --
-	just remember that you may have counted wrong.
-%
-Peterson's Rules:
-	(1) Trucks that overturn on freeways are filled with something sticky.
-	(2) No cute baby in a carriage is ever a girl when called one.
-	(3) Things that tick are not always clocks.
-	(4) Suicide only works when you're bluffing.
-%
-petribar:
-	Any sun-bleached prehistoric candy that has been sitting in
-	the window of a vending machine too long.
-		-- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
-%
-	Phases of a Project:
-(1)	Exultation.
-(2)	Disenchantment.
-(3)	Confusion.
-(4)	Search for the Guilty.
-(5)	Punishment for the Innocent.
-(6)	Distinction for the Uninvolved.
-%
-philosophy:
-	The ability to bear with calmness the misfortunes of our friends.
-%
-philosophy:
-	Unintelligible answers to insoluble problems.
-%
-phosflink:
-	To flick a bulb on and off when it burns out (as if, somehow, that
-	will bring it back to life).
-		-- "Sniglets", Rich Hall & Friends
-%
-Pickle's Law:
-	If Congress must do a painful thing,
-	the thing must be done in an odd-number year.
-%
-pixel, n.:
-	A mischievous, magical spirit associated with screen displays.
-	The computer industry has frequently borrowed from mythology:
-	Witness the sprites in computer graphics, the demons in artificial
-	intelligence, and the trolls in the marketing department.
-%
-Please take note:
-%
-Pohl's law:
-	Nothing is so good that somebody, somewhere, will not hate it.
-%
-poisoned coffee, n.:
-	Grounds for divorce.
-%
-politics, n.:
-	A strife of interests masquerading as a contest of principles.
-	The conduct of public affairs for private advantage.
-		-- Ambrose Bierce
-%
-Pollyanna's Educational Constant:
-	The hyperactive child is never absent.
-%
-polygon:
-	Dead parrot.
-%
-Poorman's Rule:
-	When you pull a plastic garbage bag from its handy dispenser package,
-	you always get hold of the closed end and try to pull it open.
-%
-Portable, adj.:
-	Survives system reboot.
-%
-Positive, adj.:
-	Mistaken at the top of one's voice.
-		-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
-%
-poverty, n.:
-	An unfortunate state that persists as long
-	as anyone lacks anything he would like to have.
-%
-Power, n.:
-	The only narcotic regulated by the SEC instead of the FDA.
-%
-prairies, n.:
-	Vast plains covered by treeless forests.
-%
-Prejudice:
-	A vagrant opinion without visible means of support.
-		-- Ambrose Bierce
-%
-Preudhomme's Law of Window Cleaning:
-	It's on the other side.
-%
-Price's Advice:
-	It's all a game -- play it to have fun.
-%
-Priority:
-	A statement of the importance of a user or a program.  Often
-	expressed as a relative priority, indicating that the user doesn't
-	care when the work is completed so long as he is treated less
-	badly than someone else.
-%
-problem drinker, n.:
-	A man who never buys.
-%
-program, n.:
-	A magic spell cast over a computer allowing it to turn one's input
-	into error messages.  tr.v. To engage in a pastime similar to banging
-	one's head against a wall, but with fewer opportunities for reward.
-%
-program, n.:
-	Any task that can't be completed in one telephone call or one
-	day.  Once a task is defined as a program ("training program,"
-	"sales program," or "marketing program"), its implementation
-	always justifies hiring at least three more people.
-%
-Programming Department:
-	Mistakes made while you wait.
-%
-progress, n.:
-	Medieval man thought disease was caused by invisible demons
-	invading the body and taking possession of it.
-
-	Modern man knows disease is caused by microscopic bacteria
-	and viruses invading the body and causing it to malfunction.
-%
-Proof techniques #2: Proof by Oddity.
-	SAMPLE: To prove that horses have an infinite number of legs.
-(1) Horses have an even number of legs.
-(2) They have two legs in back and fore legs in front.
-(3) This makes a total of six legs, which certainly is an odd number of
-    legs for a horse.
-(4) But the only number that is both odd and even is infinity. 
-(5) Therefore, horses must have an infinite number of legs.
-
-Topics is be covered in future issues include proof by:
-	Intimidation
-	Gesticulation (handwaving)
-	"Try it; it works"
-	Constipation (I was just sitting there and ...)
-	Blatant assertion
-	Changing all the 2's to _n's
-	Mutual consent
-	Lack of a counterexample, and
-	"It stands to reason"
-%
-prototype, n.:
-	First stage in the life cycle of a computer product, followed by
-	pre-alpha, alpha, beta, release version, corrected release version,
-	upgrade, corrected upgrade, etc.  Unlike its successors, the
-	prototype is not expected to work.
-%
-Pryor's Observation:
-	How long you live has nothing to do 
-	with how long you are going to be dead.
-%
-Pudder's Law:
-	Anything that begins well will end badly.
-	(Note: The converse of Pudder's law is not true.)
-%
-purpitation, n.:
-	To take something off the grocery shelf, decide you
-	don't want it, and then put it in another section.
-		-- "Sniglets", Rich Hall & Friends
-%
-Putt's Law:
-	Technology is dominated by two types of people:
-		Those who understand what they do not manage.
-		Those who manage what they do not understand.
-%
-QOTD:
-	 "It's not the despair... I can stand the despair.  It's the hope."
-%
-QOTD:
-	"A child of 5 could understand this!  Fetch me a child of 5."
-%
-QOTD:
-	"A university faculty is 500 egotists with a common parking problem."
-%
-QOTD:
-	"Do you smell something burning or is it me?"
-		-- Joan of Arc
-%
-QOTD:
-	"Don't let your mind wander -- it's too little to be let out alone."
-%
-QOTD:
-	"East is east... and let's keep it that way."
-%
-QOTD:
-	"Even the Statue of Liberty shaves her pits."
-%
-QOTD:
-	"Every morning I read the obituaries; if my name's not there,
-	I go to work."
-%
-QOTD:
-	"Everything I am today I owe to people, whom it is now
-	to late to punish."
-%
-QOTD:
-	"He eats like a bird... five times his own weight each day."
-%
-QOTD:
-	"He's on the same bus, but he's sure as hell got a different
-	ticket."
-%
-QOTD:
-	"I ain't broke, but I'm badly bent."
-%
-QOTD:
-	"I am not sure what this is, but an 'F' would only dignify it."
-%
-QOTD:
-	"I don't think they could put him in a mental hospital.  On the
-	other hand, if he were already in, I don't think they'd let him out."
-%
-QOTD:
-	"I drive my car quietly, for it goes without saying."
-%
-QOTD:
-	"I haven't come far enough, and don't call me baby."
-%
-QOTD:
-	"I may not be able to walk, but I drive from the sitting posistion."
-%
-QOTD:
-	"I never met a man I couldn't drink handsome."
-%
-QOTD:
-	"I only touch base with reality on an as-needed basis!"
-%
-QOTD:
-	"I sprinkled some baking powder over a couple of potatoes, but it
-	didn't work."
-%
-QOTD:
-	"I thought I saw a unicorn on the way over, but it was just a
-	horse with one of the horns broken off."
-%
-QOTD:
-	"I tried buying a goat instead of a lawn tractor; had to return
-	it though.  Couldn't figure out a way to connect the snow blower."
-%
-QOTD:
-	"I used to be an idealist, but I got mugged by reality."
-%
-QOTD:
-	"I used to be lost in the shuffle, now I just shuffle along with
-	the lost."
-%
-QOTD:
-	"I used to get high on life but lately I've built up a resistance."
-%
-QOTD:
-	"I used to go to UCLA, but then my Dad got a job."
-%
-QOTD:
-	"I used to jog, but the ice kept bouncing out of my glass."
-%
-QOTD:
-	"I won't say he's untruthful, but his wife has to call the
-	dog for dinner."
-%
-QOTD:
-	"I'd never marry a woman who didn't like pizza... I might play
-	golf with her, but I wouldn't marry her!"
-%
-QOTD:
-	"I'll listen to reason when it comes out on CD."
-%
-QOTD:
-	"I'm just a boy named 'su'..."
-%
-QOTD:
-	"I'm not really for apathy, but I'm not against it either..."
-%
-QOTD:
-	"I'm on a seafood diet -- I see food and I eat it."
-%
-QOTD:
-	"I've always wanted to work in the Federal Mint.  And then go on
-	strike.  To make less money."
-%
-QOTD:
-	"I've got one last thing to say before I go; give me back
-	all of my stuff."
-%
-QOTD:
-	"I've just learned about his illness.  Let's hope it's nothing
-	trivial."
-%
-QOTD:
-	"If he learns from his mistakes, pretty soon he'll know everything."
-%
-QOTD:
-	"If I could walk that way, I wouldn't need the cologne, now would I?"
-%
-QOTD:
-	"If I'm what I eat, I'm a chocolate chip cookie."
-%
-QOTD:
-	"If you keep an open mind people will throw a lot of garbage in it."
-%
-QOTD:
-	"In the shopping mall of the mind, he's in the toy department."
-%
-QOTD:
-	"It seems to me that your antenna doesn't bring in too many
-	stations anymore."
-%
-QOTD:
-	"It was so cold last winter that I saw a lawyer with his
-	hands in his own pockets."
-%
-QOTD:
-	"It wouldn't have been anything, even if it were gonna be a thing."
-%
-QOTD:
-	"It's a cold bowl of chili, when love don't work out."
-%
-QOTD:
-	"It's been Monday all week today."
-%
-QOTD:
-	"It's been real and it's been fun, but it hasn't been real fun."
-%
-QOTD:
-	"It's hard to tell whether he has an ace up his sleeve or if
-	the ace is missing from his deck altogether."
-%
-QOTD:
-	"It's sort of a threat, you see.  I've never been very good at
-	them myself, but I'm told they can be very effective."
-%
-QOTD:
-	"Just how much can I get away with and still go to heaven?"
-%
-QOTD:
-	"Lack of planning on your part doesn't consitute an emergency
-	on my part."
-%
-QOTD:
-	"Like this rose, our love will wilt and die."
-%
-QOTD:
-	"My life is a soap opera, but who gets the movie rights?"
-%
-QOTD:
-	"My shampoo lasts longer than my relationships."
-%
-QOTD:
-	"Of course it's the murder weapon.  Who would frame someone with
-	a fake?"
-%
-QOTD:
-	"Of course there's no reason for it, it's just our policy."
-%
-QOTD:
-	"Oh, no, no...  I'm not beautiful.  Just very, very pretty."
-%
-QOTD:
-	"Our parents were never our age."
-%
-QOTD:
-	"Overweight is when you step on your dog's tail and it dies."
-%
-QOTD:
-	"Say, you look pretty athletic.  What say we put a pair of tennis
-	shoes on you and run you into the wall?"
-%
-QOTD:
-	"She's about as smart as bait."
-%
-QOTD:
-	"Sure, I turned down a drink once.  Didn't understand the question."
-%
-QOTD:
-	"The baby was so ugly they had to hang a pork chop around its
-	neck to get the dog to play with it."
-%
-QOTD:
-	"The elder gods went to Suggoth and all I got was this lousy T-shirt."
-%
-QOTD:
-	"There may be no excuse for laziness, but I'm sure looking."
-%
-QOTD:
-	"This is a one line proof... if we start sufficiently far to the
-	left."
-%
-QOTD:
-	"Unlucky?  If I bought a pumpkin farm, they'd cancel Halloween."
-%
-QOTD:
-	"What do you mean, you had the dog fixed?   Just what made you
-	think he was broken!"
-%
-QOTD:
-	"What I like most about myself is that I'm so understanding
-	when I mess things up."
-%
-QOTD:
-	"What women and psychologists call `dropping your armor', we call
-	"baring your neck."
-%
-QOTD:
-	"When she hauled ass, it took three trips."
-%
-QOTD:
-	"Who?  Me?  No, no, NO!!  But I do sell rugs."
-%
-QOTD:
-	"Wouldn't it be wonderful if real life supported control-Z?"
-%
-QOTD:
-	"You want me to put *holes* in my ears and hang things from them?
-	How...  tribal."
-%
-QOTD:
-	"You're so dumb you don't even have wisdom teeth."
-%
-QOTD:
-	All I want is a little more than I'll ever get.
-%
-QOTD:
-	All I want is more than my fair share.
-%
-QOTD:
-	Flash!  Flash!  I love you! ...but we only have fourteen hours to
-	save the earth!
-%
-QOTD:
-	How can I miss you if you won't go away?
-%
-QOTD:
-	I looked out my window, and saw Kyle Pettys' car upside down,
-	then I thought 'One of us is in real trouble'.
-		-- Davey Allison, on a 150 m.p.h. crash
-%
-QOTD:
-	I love your outfit, does it come in your size?
-%
-QOTD:
-	I opened Pandora's box, let the cat out of the bag and put the
-	ball in their court.
-		-- Hon. J. Hacker (The Ministry of Administrative Affairs)
-%
-QOTD:
-	I'm not a nerd -- I'm "socially challenged".
-%
-QOTD:
-	I'm not bald -- I'm "hair challenged".
-
-	[I thought that was "differently haired". Ed.]
-%
-QOTD:
-	I've heard about civil Engineers, but I've never met one.
-%
-QOTD:
-	If it's too loud, you're too old.
-%
-QOTD:
-	If you're looking for trouble, I can offer you a wide selection.
-%
-QOTD:
-	Ludwig Boltzmann, who spend much of his life studying statistical
-	mechanics died in 1906 by his own hand.  Paul Ehrenfest, carrying
-	on the work, died similarly in 1933.  Now it is our turn.
-		-- Goodstein, States of Matter 
-%
-QOTD:
-	Money isn't everything, but at least it keeps the kids in touch.
-%
-QOTD:
-	My mother was the travel agent for guilt trips.
-%
-QOTD:
-	On a scale of 1 to 10 I'd say...  oh, somewhere in there.
-%
-QOTD:
-	Sacred cows make great hamburgers.
-%
-QOTD:
-	Silence is the only virtue he has left.
-%
-QOTD:
-	Some people have one of those days.  I've had one of those lives.
-%
-QOTD:
-	Talent does what it can, genius what it must.
-	I do what I get paid to do.
-%
-QOTD:
-	Talk about willing people... over half of them are willing to work
-	and the others are more than willing to watch them.
-%
-QOTD:
-	The forest may be quiet, but that doesn't mean
-	the snakes have gone away.
-%
-QOTD:
-	The only easy way to tell a hamster from a gerbil is that the
-	gerbil has more dark meat.
-%
-QOTD:
-	Y'know how s'm people treat th'r body like a TEMPLE?
-	Well, I treat mine like 'n AMUSEMENT PARK...  S'great...
-%
-Quality control, n.:
-	Assuring that the quality of a product does not get out of hand
-	and add to the cost of its manufacture or design.
-%
-Quality Control, n.:
-	The process of testing one out of every 1,000 units coming off
-	a production line to make sure that at least one out of 100 works.
-%
-quark:
-	The sound made by a well bred duck.
-%
-Quigley's Law:
-	Whoever has any authority over you, no matter how small, will
-	atttempt to use it.
-%
-QWERT (kwirt) n. [MW < OW qwertyuiop, a thirteenth]   1. a unit of weight
-equal to 13 poiuyt  avoirdupois  (or 1.69 kiloliks), commonly used in
-structural engineering  2. [Colloq.] one thirteenth the load that a fully
-grown sligo can carry.  3. [Anat.] a painful  irritation  of  the dermis
-in the region of the anus  4. [Slang] person who excites in others the
-symptoms of a qwert.
-		-- Webster's Middle World Dictionary, 4th ed.
-%
-Ralph's Observation:
-	It is a mistake to let any mechanical object realise that you
-	are in a hurry.
-%
-Random, n.:
-	As in number, predictable.  As in memory access, unpredictable.
-%
-Ray's Rule of Precision:
-	Measure with a micrometer.  Mark with chalk.  Cut with an axe.
-%
-Re: Graphics:
-	A picture is worth 10K words -- but only those to describe
-	the picture.  Hardly any sets of 10K words can be adequately
-	described with pictures.
-%
-Real Time, adj.:
-	Here and now, as opposed to fake time, which only occurs there and then.
-%
-Real World, The, n.:
-	1. In programming, those institutions at which programming may
-be used in the same sentence as FORTRAN, COBOL, RPG, IBM, etc.  2. To
-programmers, the location of non-programmers and activities not related
-to programming.  3. A universe in which the standard dress is shirt and
-tie and in which a person's working hours are defined as 9 to 5.  4.
-The location of the status quo.  5. Anywhere outside a university.
-"Poor fellow, he's left MIT and gone into the real world."  Used
-pejoratively by those not in residence there.  In conversation, talking
-of someone who has entered the real world is not unlike talking about a
-deceased person.
-%
-Reappraisal, n.:
-	An abrupt change of mind after being found out.
-%
-Reception area, n.:
-	The purgatory where office visitors are condemned to spend
-	innumerable hours reading dog-eared back issues of trade
-	magazines like Modern Plastics, Chain Saw Age, and Chicken World,
-	while the receptionist blithely reads her own trade magazine --
-	Cosmopolitan.
-%
-Recursion n.:
-	See Recursion.
-		-- Random Shack Data Processing Dictionary
-%
-Reformed, n.:
-	A synagogue that closes for the Jewish holidays.
-%
-Regression analysis:
-	Mathematical techniques for trying to understand why things are
-	getting worse.
-%
-Reichel's Law:
-	A body on vacation tends to remain on vacation unless acted upon by
-	an outside force.
-%
-Reisner's Rule of Conceptual Inertia:
-	If you think big enough, you'll never have to do it.
-%
-Reliable source, n.:
-	The guy you just met.
-%
-Renning's Maxim:
-	Man is the highest animal.  Man does the classifying.
-%
-Reporter, n.:
-	A writer who guesses his way to the truth and dispels it with a
-	tempest of words.
-		-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
-%
-Reputation, adj.:
-	What others are not thinking about you.
-%
-Research, n.:
-	Consider Columbus:
-	He didn't know where he was going.
-	When he got there he didn't know where he was.
-	When he got back he didn't know where he had been.
-	And he did it all on someone else's money.
-%
-Responsibility:
-	Everyone says that having power is a great responsibility.  This is
-a lot of bunk.  Responsibility is when someone can blame you if something
-goes wrong.  When you have power you are surrounded by people whose job it
-is to take the blame for your mistakes.  If they're smart, that is.
-		-- Cerebus, "On Governing"
-%
-Revolution, n.:
-	A form of government abroad.
-%
-Revolution, n.:
-	In politics, an abrupt change in the form of misgovernment.
-		-- Ambrose Bierce
-%
-revolutionary, adj.:
-	Repackaged.
-%
-Rhode's Law:
-	When any principle, law, tenet, probability, happening, circumstance,
-	or result can in no way be directly, indirectly, empirically, or
-	circuitously proven, derived, implied, inferred, induced, deducted,
-	estimated, or scientifically guessed, it will always for the purpose
-	of convenience, expediency, political advantage, material gain, or
-	personal comfort, or any combination of the above, or none of the
-	above, be unilaterally and unequivocally assumed, proclaimed, and
-	adhered to as absolute truth to be undeniably, universally, immutably,
-	and infinitely so, until such time as it becomes advantageous to
-	assume otherwise, maybe.
-%
-Ritchie's Rule:
-	(1) Everything has some value -- if you use the right currency.
-	(2) Paint splashes last longer than the paint job.
-	(3) Search and ye shall find -- but make sure it was lost.
-%
-Robot, n.:
-	University administrator.
-%
-Robustness, adj.:
-	Never having to say you're sorry.
-%
-Rocky's Lemma of Innovation Prevention:
-	Unless the results are known in advance, funding agencies will
-	reject the proposal.
-%
-Rudd's Discovery:
-	You know that any senator or congressman could go home and make
-	$300,000 to $400,000, but they don't.  Why?  Because they can
-	stay in Washington and make it there.
-%
-Rudin's Law:
-	If there is a wrong way to do something, most people will
-	do it every time.
-
-Rudin's Second Law:
-	In a crisis that forces a choice to be made among alternative
-	courses of action, people tend to choose the worst possible
-	course.
-%
-rugged, adj.:
-	Too heavy to lift.
-%
-Rule #1:
-	The Boss is always right.
-
-Rule #2:
-	If the Boss is wrong, see Rule #1.
-%
-Rule of Creative Research:
-	(1) Never draw what you can copy.
-	(2) Never copy what you can trace.
-	(3) Never trace what you can cut out and paste down.
-%
-Rule of Defactualization:
-	Information deteriorates upward through bureaucracies.
-%
-Rule of Feline Frustration:
-	When your cat has fallen asleep on your lap and looks utterly
-	content and adorable, you will suddenly have to go to the
-	bathroom.
-%
-Rule of the Great:
-	When people you greatly admire appear to be thinking deep
-	thoughts, they probably are thinking about lunch.
-%
-Rules for Academic Deans:
-	(1)  HIDE!!!!
-	(2)  If they find you, LIE!!!!
-		-- Father Damian C. Fandal
-%
-Rules for driving in New York:
-	(1) Anything done while honking your horn is legal.
-	(2) You may park anywhere if you turn your four-way flashers on.
-	(3) A red light means the next six cars may go through the
-	    intersection.
-%
-Rules for Writers:
-	Avoid run-on sentences they are hard to read.  Don't use no double
-negatives.  Use the semicolon properly, always use it where it is appropriate;
-and never where it isn't.  Reserve the apostrophe for it's proper use and
-omit it when its not needed.  No sentence fragments. Avoid commas, that are
-unnecessary.  Eschew dialect, irregardless.  And don't start a sentence with
-a conjunction.  Hyphenate between sy-llables and avoid un-necessary hyphens.
-Write all adverbial forms correct.  Don't use contractions in formal writing.
-Writing carefully, dangling participles must be avoided.  It is incumbent on
-us to avoid archaisms.  Steer clear of incorrect forms of verbs that have
-snuck in the language.  Never, ever use repetitive redundancies.  If I've
-told you once, I've told you a thousand times, resist hyperbole.  Also,
-avoid awkward or affected alliteration.  Don't string too many prepositional
-phrases together unless you are walking through the valley of the shadow of
-death.  "Avoid overuse of 'quotation "marks."'"
-%
-Rune's Rule:
-	If you don't care where you are, you ain't lost.
-%
-Ryan's Law:
-	Make three correct guesses consecutively
-	and you will establish yourself as an expert.
-%
-Sacher's Observation:
-	Some people grow with responsibility -- others merely swell.
-%
-Satellite Safety Tip #14:
-	If you see a bright streak in the sky coming at you, duck.
-%
-Sattinger's Law:
-	It works better if you plug it in.
-%
-Savage's Law of Expediency:
-	You want it bad, you'll get it bad.
-%
-scenario, n.:
-	An imagined sequence of events that provides the context in
-	which a business decision is made.  Scenarios always come in
-	sets of three: best case, worst case, and just in case.
-%
-Schapiro's Explanation:
-	The grass is always greener on the other side -- but that's
-	because they use more manure.
-%
-Schlattwhapper, n.:
-	The window shade that allows itself to be pulled down,
-	hesitates for a second, then snaps up in your face.
-		-- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
-%
-Schmidt's Observation:
-	All things being equal, a fat person uses more soap
-	than a thin person.
-%
-Scott's First Law:
-	No matter what goes wrong, it will probably look right.
-
-Scott's Second Law:
-	When an error has been detected and corrected, it will be found
-	to have been wrong in the first place.
-Corollary:
-	After the correction has been found in error, it will be
-	impossible to fit the original quantity back into the
-	equation.
-%
-scribline, n.:
-	The blank area on the back of credit cards where one's signature goes.
-		-- "Sniglets", Rich Hall & Friends
-%
-Second Law of Business Meetings:
-	If there are two possible ways to spell a person's name, you
-	will pick the wrong one.
-
-Corollary:
-	If there is only one way to spell a name,
-	you will spell it wrong, anyway.
-%
-Second Law of Final Exams:
-	In your toughest final -- for the first time all year -- the most
-	distractingly attractive student in the class will sit next to you.
-%
-Secretary's Revenge:
-	Filing almost everything under "the".
-%
-Seleznick's Theory of Holistic Medicine:
-	Ice Cream cures all ills.  Temporarily.
-%
-Self Test for Paranoia:
-	You know you have it when you can't think of anything that's
-	your own fault.
-%
-Senate, n.:
-	A body of elderly gentlemen charged with high duties and misdemeanors.
-		-- Ambrose Bierce
-%
-senility, n.:
-	The state of mind of elderly persons with whom one happens to disagree.
-%
-serendipity, n.:
-	The process by which human knowledge is advanced.
-%
-Serocki's Stricture:
-	Marriage is always a bachelor's last option.
-%
-Shannon's Observation:
-	Nothing is so frustrating as a bad situation that is beginning to
-	improve.
-%
-share, n.:
-	To give in, endure humiliation.
-%
-Shaw's Principle:
-	Build a system that even a fool can use, and only a fool will
-	want to use it.
-%
-Shedenhelm's Law:
-	All trails have more uphill sections than they have downhill sections.
-%
-Shick's Law:
-	There is no problem a good miracle can't solve.
-%
-Silverman's Law:
-	If Murphy's Law can go wrong, it will.
-%
-Simon's Law:
-	Everything put together falls apart sooner or later.
-%
-Skinner's Constant (or Flannagan's Finagling Factor):
-	That quantity which, when multiplied by, divided by, added to,
-	or subtracted from the answer you got, gives you the answer you
-	should have gotten.
-%
-Slick's Three Laws of the Universe:
-	(1)  Nothing in the known universe travels faster than a bad check.
-	(2)  A quarter-ounce of chocolate = four pounds of fat.
-	(3)  There are two types of dirt:  the dark kind, which is
-	    attracted to light objects, and the light kind, which is
-	    attracted to dark objects.
-%
-Slous' Contention:
-	If you do a job too well, you'll get stuck with it.
-%
-Slurm, n.:
-	The slime that accumulates on the underside of a soap bar when
-	it sits in the dish too long.
-		-- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
-%
-Snacktrek, n.:
-	The peculiar habit, when searching for a snack, of constantly
-	returning to the refrigerator in hopes that something new will have
-	materialized.
-		-- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
-%
-snappy repartee:
-	What you'd say if you had another chance.
-%
-Sodd's Second Law:
-	Sooner or later, the worst possible set of circumstances is
-	bound to occur.
-%
-Software, n.:
-	Formal evening attire for female computer analysts.
-%
-Some points to remember [about animals]:
-	(1) Don't go to sleep under big animals, e.g., elephants, rhinoceri,
-	    hippopotamuses;
-	(2) Don't put animals with sharp teeth or poisonous fangs down the
-	    front of your clothes;
-	(3) Don't pat certain animals, e.g., crocodiles and scorpions or dogs
-	    you have just kicked.
-		-- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"
-%
-spagmumps, n.:
-	Any of the millions of Styrofoam wads that accompany mail-order items.
-		-- "Sniglets", Rich Hall & Friends
-%
-Speer's 1st Law of Proofreading:
-	The visibility of an error is inversely proportional to the
-	number of times you have looked at it.
-%
-Spence's Admonition:
-	Never stow away on a kamikaze plane.
-%
-Spirtle, n.:
-	The fine stream from a grapefruit that always lands right in your eye.
-		-- Sniglets, "Rich Hall & Friends"
-%
-Spouse, n.:
-	Someone who'll stand by you through all the trouble you
-	wouldn't have had if you'd stayed single.
-%
-squatcho, n.:
-	The button at the top of a baseball cap.
-		-- "Sniglets", Rich Hall & Friends
-%
-standards, n.:
-	The principles we use to reject other people's code.
-%
-statistics, n.:
-	A system for expressing your political prejudices in convincing
-	scientific guise.
-%
-Steckel's Rule to Success:
-	Good enough is never good enough.
-%
-Steele's Law:
-	There exist tasks which cannot be done by more than ten men
-	or fewer than one hundred.
-%
-Steele's Plagiarism of Somebody's Philosophy:
-	Everybody should believe in something -- I believe I'll have
-	another drink.
-%
-Steinbach's Guideline for Systems Programming:
-	Never test for an error condition you don't know how to handle.
-%
-Stenderup's Law:
-	The sooner you fall behind, the more time you will have to catch up.
-%
-Stock's Observation:
-	You no sooner get your head above water but what someone pulls
-	your flippers off.
-%
-Stone's Law:
-	One man's "simple" is another man's "huh?"
-%
-strategy, n.:
-	A comprehensive plan of inaction.
-%
-Strategy:
-	A long-range plan whose merit cannot be evaluated until sometime
-	after those creating it have left the organization.
-%
-Stult's Report:
-	Our problems are mostly behind us.  What we have to do now is
-	fight the solutions.
-%
-Stupid, n.:
-	Losing $25 on the game and $25 on the instant replay.
-%
-Sturgeon's Law:
-	90% of everything is crud.
-%
-sugar daddy, n.:
-	A man who can afford to raise cain.
-%
-SUN Microsystems:
-	The Network IS the Load Average.
-%
-sunset, n.:
-	Pronounced atmospheric scattering of shorter wavelengths,
-	resulting in selective transmission below 650 nanometers with
-	progressively reducing solar elevation.
-%
-sushi, n.:
-	When that-which-may-still-be-alive is put on top of rice and
-	strapped on with electrical tape.
-%
-Sushido, n.:
-	The way of the tuna.
-%
-Swahili, n.:
-	The language used by the National Enquirer to print their retractions.
-		-- Johnny Hart
-%
-Sweater, n.:
-	A garment worn by a child when its mother feels chilly.
-%
-Swipple's Rule of Order:
-	He who shouts the loudest has the floor.
-%
-system-independent, adj.:
-	Works equally poorly on all systems.
-%
-T-shirt of the Day:
-	Head for the Mountains
-		-- courtesy Anheuser-Busch beer
-
-Followup T-shirt of the Day (on the same scenic background):
-	If you liked the mountains, head for the Busch!
-		-- courtesy someone else
-%
-T-shirt Of The Day:
-	I'm the person your mother warned you about.
-%
-T-shirt:
-	Life is *not* a Cabaret, and stop calling me chum!
-%
-Tact, n.:
-	The unsaid part of what you're thinking.
-%
-take forceful action:
-	Do something that should have been done a long time ago.
-%
-tax office, n.:
-	Den of inequity.
-%
-Taxes, n.:
-	Of life's two certainties, the only one for which you can get
-	an extension.
-%
-taxidermist, n.:
-	A man who mounts animals.
-%
-TCP/IP Slang Glossary, #1:
-
-Gong, n: Medieval term for privy, or what pased for them in that era.
-Today used whimsically to describe the aftermath of a bogon attack. Think
-of our community as the Galapagos of the English language.
-
-"Vogons may read you bad poetry, but bogons make you study obsolete RFCs."
-		-- Dave Mills
-%
-teamwork, n.:
-	Having someone to blame.
-%
-Technicality, n.:
-	In an English court a man named Home was tried for slander in having
-	accused a neighbor of murder.  His exact words were: "Sir Thomas Holt
-	hath taken a cleaver and stricken his cook upon the head, so that one
-	side of his head fell on one shoulder and the other side upon the
-	other shoulder."  The defendant was acquitted by instruction of the
-	court, the learned judges holding that the words did not charge murder,
-	for they did not affirm the death of the cook, that being only an
-	inference.
-		-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
-%
-Telephone, n.:
-	An invention of the devil which abrogates some of the advantages
-	of making a disagreeable person keep his distance.
-		-- Ambrose Bierce
-%
-telepression, n.:
-	The deep-seated guilt which stems from knowing that you did not try
-	hard enough to look up the number on your own and instead put the
-	burden on the directory assistant.
-		-- "Sniglets", Rich Hall & Friends
-%
-Teutonic:
-	Not enough gin.
-%
-The 357.73 Theory:
-	Auditors always reject expense accounts
-	with a bottom line divisible by 5.
-%
-The Abrams' Principle:
-	The shortest distance between two points is off the wall.
-%
-The Ancient Doctrine of Mind Over Matter:
-	I don't mind... and you don't matter.
-		-- As revealed to reporter G. Rivera by Swami Havabanana
-%
-The Beatles:
-	Paul McCartney's old back-up band.
-%
-The Briggs-Chase Law of Program Development:
-	To determine how long it will take to write and debug a
-	program, take your best estimate, multiply that by two, add
-	one, and convert to the next higher units.
-%
-The Consultant's Curse:
-	When the customer has beaten upon you long enough, give him
-	what he asks for, instead of what he needs.  This is very strong
-	medicine, and is normally only required once.
-%
-The distinction between Jewish and goyish can be quite subtle, as the
-following quote from Lenny Bruce illustrates:
-
-	"I'm Jewish.  Count Basie's Jewish.  Ray Charles is Jewish.
-Eddie Cantor's goyish.  The B'nai Brith is goyish.  The Hadassah is
-Jewish.  Marine Corps -- heavy goyish, dangerous.
-
-	"Kool-Aid is goyish.  All Drake's Cakes are goyish.
-Pumpernickel is Jewish and, as you know, white bread is very goyish.
-Instant potatoes -- goyish.  Black cherry soda's very Jewish.
-Macaroons are ____very Jewish.  Fruit salad is Jewish.  Lime Jell-O is
-goyish.  Lime soda is ____very goyish.  Trailer parks are so goyish that
-Jews won't go near them ..."
-		-- Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish"
-%
-The Fifth Rule:
-	You have taken yourself too seriously.
-%
-The First Rule of Program Optimization:
-	Don't do it.
-
-The Second Rule of Program Optimization (for experts only!):
-	Don't do it yet.
-		-- Michael Jackson
-%
-The five rules of Socialism:
-	(1) Don't think.
-	(2) If you do think, don't speak.
-	(3) If you think and speak, don't write.
-	(4) If you think, speak and write, don't sign.
-	(5) If you think, speak, write and sign, don't be surprised.
-		-- being told in Poland, 1987
-%
-The Following Subsume All Physical and Human Laws:
-	(1) You can't push on a string.
-	(2) Ain't no free lunches.
-	(3) Them as has, gets.
-	(4) You can't win them all, but you sure as hell can lose them all.
-%
-The Golden Rule of Arts and Sciences:
-	He who has the gold makes the rules.
-%
-The Gordian Maxim:
-	If a string has one end, it has another.
-%
-The Great Bald Swamp Hedgehog:
-	The Great Bald Swamp Hedgehog of Billericay displays, in courtship,
-	his single prickle and does impressions of Holiday Inn desk clerks.
-	Since this means him standing motionless for enormous periods of
-	time he is often eaten in full display by The Great Bald Swamp
-	Hedgehog Eater.
-		-- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"
-%
-The Heineken Uncertainty Principle:
-	You can never be sure how many beers you had last night.
-%
-The history of warfare is similarly subdivided, although here the phases
-are Retribution, Anticipation, and Diplomacy.  Thus:
-
-Retribution:
-	I'm going to kill you because you killed my brother.
-Anticipation:
-	I'm going to kill you because I killed your brother.
-Diplomacy:
-	I'm going to kill my brother and then kill you on the
-	pretext that your brother did it.
-%
-The Illiterati Programus Canto 1:
-	A program is a lot like a nose: Sometimes it runs, and
-	sometimes it blows.
-%
-The Kennedy Constant:
-	Don't get mad -- get even.
-%
-The Law of the Letter:
-	The best way to inspire fresh thoughts is to seal the envelope.
-%
-The Marines:
-	The few, the proud, the dead on the beach.
-%
-The Marines:
-	The few, the proud, the not very bright.
-%
-The Modelski Chain Rule:
-(1)	Look intently at the problem for several minutes.  Scratch your
-	head at 20-30 second intervals.  Try solving the problem on your
-	Hewlett-Packard.
-(2)	Failing this, look around at the class.  Select a particularly
-	bright-looking individual.
-(3)	Procure a large chain.
-(4)	Walk over to the selected student and threaten to beat him severely
-	with the chain unless he gives you the answer to the problem.
-	Generally, he will.  It may also be a good idea to give him a sound
-	thrashing anyway, just to show you mean business.
-%
-The most dangerous organization in America today is:
-	(a) The KKK
-	(b) The American Nazi Party
-	(c) The Delta Frequent Flyer Club
-%
-The Official MBA Handbook on business cards:
-	Avoid overly pretentious job titles such as "Lord of the Realm,
-	Defender of the Faith, Emperor of India" or "Director of Corporate
-	Planning."
-%
-The Official MBA Handbook on doing company business on an airplane:
-	Do not work openly on top-secret company cost documents unless
-	you have previously ascertained that the passenger next to you
-	is blind, a rock musician on mood-ameliorating drugs, or the
-	unfortunate possessor of a forty-seventh chromosome.
-%
-The Official MBA Handbook on the use of sunlamps:
-	Use a sunlamp only on weekends.  That way, if the office wise guy
-	remarks on the sudden appearance of your tan, you can fabricate
-	some story about a sun-stroked weekend at some island Shangri-La
-	like Caneel Bay.  Nothing is more transparent than leaving the
-	office at 11:45 on a Tuesday night, only to return an Aztec sun
-	god at 8:15 the next morning.
-%
-The Phone Booth Rule:
-	A lone dime always gets the number nearly right.
-%
-The qotc (quote of the con) was Liz's:
-	"My brain is paged out to my liver."
-%
-The real man's Bloody Mary:
-	Ingredients: vodka, tomato juice, Tobasco, Worcestershire 
-	sauce, A-1 steak sauce, ice, salt, pepper, celery.
-
-	Fill a large tumbler with vodka.
-	Throw all the other ingredients away.
-%
-The Roman Rule:
-	The one who says it cannot be done should never interrupt the
-	one who is doing it.
-%
-The rules:
-	 (1) Thou shalt not worship other computer systems.
-	 (2) Thou shalt not impersonate Liberace or eat watermelon while
-	      sitting at the console keyboard.
-	 (3) Thou shalt not slap users on the face, nor staple their silly
-	     little card decks together.
-	 (4) Thou shalt not get physically involved with the computer system,
-	     especially if you're already married.
-	 (5) Thou shalt not use magnetic tapes as frisbees, nor use a disk
-	     pack as a stool to reach another disk pack.
-	 (6) Thou shalt not stare at the blinking lights for more than one
-	     eight hour shift.
-	 (7) Thou shalt not tell users that you accidentally destroyed their
-	     files/backup just to see the look on their little faces.
-	 (8) Thou shalt not enjoy cancelling a job.
-	 (9) Thou shalt not display firearms in the computer room.
-	(10) Thou shalt not push buttons "just to see what happens".
-%
-The Second Law of Thermodynamics:
-	If you think things are in a mess now, just wait!
-		-- Jim Warner
-%
-The Seventh Commandments for Technicians:
-	Work thou not on energized equipment, for if thou dost, thy fellow
-	workers will surely buy beers for thy widow and console her in other
-	ways.
-%
-The Sixth Commandment of Frisbee:
-	The greatest single aid to distance is for the disc to be going in a
-	direction you did not want.   (Goes the wrong way = Goes a long way.)
-		-- Dan Roddick
-%
-The Third Law of Photography:
-	If you did manage to get any good shots, they will be ruined
-	when someone inadvertently opens the darkroom door and all of
-	the dark leaks out.
-%
-The three biggest software lies:
-	(1) *Of course* we'll give you a copy of the source.
-	(2) *Of course* the third party vendor we bought that from
-	    will fix the microcode.
-	(3) Beta test site?  No, *of course* you're not a beta test site.
-%
-The three laws of thermodynamics:
-	(1) You can't get anything without working for it.
-	(2) The most you can accomplish by working is to break even.
-	(3) You can only break even at absolute zero.
-%
-Theorem: a cat has nine tails.
-Proof:
-	No cat has eight tails. A cat has one tail more than no cat.
-	Therefore, a cat has nine tails.
-%
-Theorem: All positive integers are equal.
-Proof: Sufficient to show that for any two positive integers, A and B, A = B.
-	Further, it is sufficient to show that for all N > 0, if A and B
-	(positive integers) satisfy (MAX(A, B) = N) then A = B.
-
-Proceed by induction:
-	If N = 1, then A and B, being positive integers, must both be 1.
-	So A = B.
-
-Assume that the theorem is true for some value k.  Take A and B with
-	MAX(A, B) = k+1.  Then  MAX((A-1), (B-1)) = k.  And hence
-	(A-1) = (B-1).  Consequently, A = B.
-%
-Theory of Selective Supervision:
-	The one time in the day that you lean back and relax is
-	the one time the boss walks through the office.
-%
-theory, n.:
-	System of ideas meant to explain something, chosen with a view to
-	originality, controversialism, incomprehensibility, and how good
-	it will look in print.
-%
-There are three ways to get something done:
-	(1) Do it yourself.
-	(2) Hire someone to do it for you.
-	(3) Forbid your kids to do it.
-%
-Those lovable Brits department:
-	They also have trouble pronouncing `vitamin'.
-%
-Three rules for sounding like an expert:
-	(1) Oversimplify your explanations to the point of uselessness.
-	(2) Always point out second-order effects, but never point out
-	    when they can be ignored.
-	(3) Come up with three rules of your own.
-%
-Thyme's Law:
-	Everything goes wrong at once.
-%
-timesharing, n:
-	An access method whereby one computer abuses many people.
-%
-Tip of the Day:
-	Never fry bacon in the nude.
-
-	[Correction: always fry bacon in the nude; you'll learn not to burn it]
-%
-TIPS FOR PERFORMERS:
-	Playing cards have the top half upside-down to help cheaters.
-	There are a finite number of jokes in the universe.
-	Singing is a trick to get people to listen to music longer than
-		they would ordinarily.
-	There is no music in space.
-	People will pay to watch people make sounds.
-	Everything on stage should be larger than in real life.
-%
-today, n.:
-	A nice place to visit, but you can't stay here for long.
-%
-toilet toup'ee, n.:
-	Any shag carpet that causes the lid to become top-heavy, thus
-	creating endless annoyance to male users.
-		-- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
-%
-Toni's Solution to a Guilt-Free Life:
-	If you have to lie to someone, it's their fault.
-%
-transfer, n.:
-	A promotion you receive on the condition that you leave town.
-%
-transparent, adj.:
-	Being or pertaining to an existing, nontangible object.
-	"It's there, but you can't see it"
-		-- IBM System/360 announcement, 1964.
-
-virtual, adj.:
-	Being or pertaining to a tangible, nonexistent object.
-	"I can see it, but it's not there."
-		-- Lady Macbeth.
-%
-travel, n.:
-	Something that makes you feel like you're getting somewhere.
-%
-"Trust me":
-	Translation of the Latin "caveat emptor."
-%
-Truthful, adj.:
-	Dumb and illiterate.
-		-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
-%
-Tsort's Constant:
-	1.67563, or precisely 1,237.98712567 times the difference between
-the distance to the sun and the weight of a small orange.
-		-- Terry Pratchett, "The Light Fantastic" (slightly modified)
-%
-Turnaucka's Law:
-	The attention span of a computer is only as long as its
-	electrical cord.
-%
-Tussman's Law:
-	Nothing is as inevitable as a mistake whose time has come.
-%
-U.S. of A.:
-	"Don't speak to the bus driver."
-Germany:
-	"It is strictly forbidden for passengers to speak to the driver."
-England:
-	"You are requested to refrain from speaking to the driver."
-Scotland:
-	"What have you got to gain by speaking to the driver?"
-Italy:
-	"Don't answer the driver."
-%
-Udall's Fourth Law:
-	Any change or reform you make is going to have consequences you
-	don't like.
-%
-Uncle Ed's Rule of Thumb:
-	Never use your thumb for a rule.
-	You'll either hit it with a hammer or get a splinter in it.
-%
-Underlying Principle of Socio-Genetics:
-	Superiority is recessive.
-%
-understand, v.:
-	To reach a point, in your investigation of some subject, at which
-	you cease to examine what is really present, and operate on the
-	basis of your own internal model instead.
-%
-Unfair animal names:
-
--- tsetse fly			-- bullhead
--- booby			-- duck-billed platypus
--- sapsucker			-- Clarence
-		-- Gary Larson
-%
-unfair competition, n.:
-	Selling cheaper than we do.
-%
-union, n.:
-	A dues-paying club workers wield to strike management.
-%
-Universe, n.:
-	The problem.
-%
-University, n.:
-	Like a software house, except the software's free, and it's usable,
-	and it works, and if it breaks they'll quickly tell you how to fix
-	it, and ...
-
-	[Okay, okay, I'll leave it in, but I think you're destroying
-	 the credibility of the entire fortune program.  Ed.]
-%
-Unnamed Law:
-	If it happens, it must be possible.
-%
-untold wealth, n.:
-	What you left out on April 15th.
-%
-User n.:
-	A programmer who will believe anything you tell him.
-%
-user, n.:
-	The word computer professionals use when they mean "idiot."
-		-- Dave Barry, "Claw Your Way to the Top"
-
-[I always thought "computer professional" was the phrase hackers used
- when they meant "idiot."  Ed.]
-%
-vacation, n.:
-	A two-week binge of rest and relaxation so intense that
-	it takes another 50 weeks of your restrained workaday
-	life-style to recuperate.
-%
-Vail's Second Axiom:
-	The amount of work to be done increases in proportion to the
-	amount of work already completed.
-%
-Van Roy's Law:
-	An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.
-%
-Van Roy's Law:
-	Honesty is the best policy - there's less competition.
-
-Van Roy's Truism:
-	Life is a whole series of circumstances beyond your control.
-%
-Vanilla, adj.:
-	Ordinary flavor, standard.  See FLAVOR.  When used of food,
-	very often does not mean that the food is flavored with vanilla
-	extract!  For example, "vanilla-flavored won ton soup" (or simply
-	"vanilla won ton soup") means ordinary won ton soup, as opposed to hot
-	and sour won ton soup.
-%
-Velilind's Laws of Experimentation:
-	(1) If reproducibility may be a problem, conduct the test only once.
-	(2) If a straight line fit is required, obtain only two data points.
-%
-Viking, n.:
-	1. Daring Scandinavian seafarers, explorers, adventurers,
-	entrepreneurs world-famous for their aggressive, nautical import
-	business, highly leveraged takeovers and blue eyes.
-	2. Bloodthirsty sea pirates who ravaged northern Europe beginning
-	in the 9th century.
-
-Hagar's note: The first definition is much preferred; the second is used
-only by malcontents, the envious, and disgruntled owners of waterfront
-property.
-%
-VMS, n.:
-	The world's foremost multi-user adventure game.
-%
-volcano, n.:
-	A mountain with hiccups.
-%
-Volley Theory:
-	It is better to have lobbed and lost than never to have lobbed at all.
-%
-vuja de:
-	The feeling that you've *never*, *ever* been in this situation before.
-%
-Walters' Rule:
-	All airline flights depart from the gates most distant from
-	the center of the terminal.  Nobody ever had a reservation
-	on a plane that left Gate 1.
-%
-Watson's Law:
-	The reliability of machinery is inversely proportional to the
-	number and significance of any persons watching it.
-%
-"We'll look into it":
-	By the time the wheels make a full turn, we
-	assume you will have forgotten about it, too.
-%
-we:
-	The single most important word in the world.
-%
-weapon, n.:
-	An index of the lack of development of a culture.
-%
-Wedding, n:
-	A ceremony at which two persons undertake to become one, one undertakes
-	to become nothing and nothing undertakes to become supportable.
-		-- Ambrose Bierce
-%
-Weed's Axiom:
-	Never ask two questions in a business letter.
-	The reply will discuss the one in which you are
-	least interested and say nothing about the other.
-%
-Weiler's Law:
-	Nothing is impossible for the man who doesn't have to do it himself.
-%
-Weinberg's First Law:
-	Progress is only made on alternate Fridays.
-%
-Weinberg's Principle:
-	An expert is a person who avoids the small errors while
-	sweeping on to the grand fallacy.
-%
-Weinberg's Second Law:
-	If builders built buildings the way programmers wrote programs,
-	then the first woodpecker that came along would destroy civilization.
-%
-Weiner's Law of Libraries:
-	There are no answers, only cross references.
-%
-well-adjusted, adj.:
-	The ability to play bridge or golf as if they were games.
-%
-Westheimer's Discovery:
-	A couple of months in the laboratory can frequently save a
-	couple of hours in the library.
-%
-When asked the definition of "pi":
-The Mathematician:
-	Pi is the number expressing the relationship between the
-	circumference of a circle and its diameter.
-The Physicist:
-	Pi is 3.1415927, plus or minus 0.000000005.
-The Engineer:
-	Pi is about 3.
-%
-Whistler's Law:
-	You never know who is right, but you always know who is in charge.
-%
-White's Statement:
-	Don't lose heart!
-
-Owen's Commentary on White's Statement:
-	...they might want to cut it out...
-
-Byrd's Addition to Owen's Commentary:
-	...and they want to avoid a lengthy search.
-%
-Whitehead's Law:
-	The obvious answer is always overlooked.
-%
-Wiker's Law:
-	Government expands to absorb revenue and then some.
-%
-Wilcox's Law:
-	A pat on the back is only a few centimeters from a kick in the pants.
-%
-		William Safire's Rules for Writers:
-
-Remember to never split an infinitive.  The passive voice should never be
-used.  Do not put statements in the negative form.  Verbs have to agree with
-their subjects.  Proofread carefully to see if you words out.  If you reread
-your work, you can find on rereading a great deal of repetition can be
-avoided by rereading and editing.  A writer must not shift your point of
-view.  And don't start a sentence with a conjunction.  (Remember, too, a
-preposition is a terrible word to end a sentence with.) Don't overuse
-exclamation marks!!  Place pronouns as close as possible, especially in long
-sentences, as of 10 or more words, to their antecedents.  Writing carefully,
-dangling participles must be avoided.  If any word is improper at the end of
-a sentence, a linking verb is.  Take the bull by the hand and avoid mixing
-metaphors.  Avoid trendy locutions that sound flaky.  Everyone should be
-careful to use a singular pronoun with singular nouns in their writing.
-Always pick on the correct idiom.  The adverb always follows the verb.  Last
-but not least, avoid cliches like the plague; seek viable alternatives.
-%
-Williams and Holland's Law:
-	If enough data is collected, anything may be proven by statistical
-	methods.
-%
-Wilner's Observation:
-	All conversations with a potato should be conducted in private.
-%
-Wit, n.:
-	The salt with which the American Humorist spoils his cookery
-	... by leaving it out.
-		-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
-%
-wok, n.:
-	Something to thwow at a wabbit.
-%
-wolf, n.:
-	A man who knows all the ankles.
-%
-Wombat's Laws of Computer Selection:
-	(1) If it doesn't run Unix, forget it.
-	(2) Any computer design over 10 years old is obsolete.
-	(3) Anything made by IBM is junk. (See number 2)
-	(4) The minimum acceptable CPU power for a single user is a
-	    VAX/780 with a floating point accelerator.
-	(5) Any computer with a mouse is worthless.
-		-- Rich Kulawiec
-%
-Woodward's Law:
-	A theory is better than its explanation.
-%
-Woolsey-Swanson Rule:
-	People would rather live with a problem they cannot
-	solve rather than accept a solution they cannot understand.
-%
-Work Rule: Leave of Absence (for an Operation):
-	We are no longer allowing this practice.  We wish to discourage any
-thoughts that you may not need all of whatever you have, and you should not
-consider having anything removed.  We hired you as you are, and to have
-anything removed would certainly make you less than we bargained for.
-%
-work, n.:
-	The blessed respite from screaming kids and
-	soap operas for which you actually get paid.
-%
-Worst Month of 1981 for Downhill Skiing:
-	August.  The lift lines are the shortest, though.
-		-- Steve Rubenstein
-%
-Worst Month of the Year:
-	February.  February has only 28 days in it, which means that if
-	you rent an apartment, you are paying for three full days you
-	don't get.  Try to avoid Februarys whenever possible.
-		-- Steve Rubenstein
-%
-Worst Response To A Crisis, 1985:
-	From a readers' Q and A column in TV GUIDE: "If we get involved
-	in a nuclear war, would the electromagnetic pulses from exploding bombs
-	damage my videotapes?"
-%
-Worst Vegetable of the Year:
-	The brussels sprout.  This is also the worst vegetable of next year.
-		-- Steve Rubenstein
-%
-write-protect tab, n.:
-	A small sticker created to cover the unsightly notch carelessly left
-	by disk manufacturers.  The use of the tab creates an error message
-	once in a while, but its aesthetic value far outweighs the momentary
-	inconvenience.
-		-- Robb Russon
-%
-WYSIWYG:
-	What You See Is What You Get.
-%
-XIIdigitation, n.:
-	The practice of trying to determine the year a movie was made
-	by deciphering the Roman numerals at the end of the credits.
-		-- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
-%
-Year, n.:
-	A period of three hundred and sixty-five disappointments.
-		-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
-%
-Yinkel, n.:
-	A person who combs his hair over his bald spot, hoping no one
-	will notice.
-		-- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
-%
-yo-yo, n.:
-	Something that is occasionally up but normally down.
-	(see also Computer).
-%
-Zall's Laws:
-	(1) Any time you get a mouthful of hot soup, the next thing you do
-	   will be wrong.
-	(2) How long a minute is, depends on which side of the bathroom
-	   door you're on.
-%
-zeal, n.:
-	Quality seen in new graduates -- if you're quick.
-%
-Zero Defects, n.:
-	The result of shutting down a production line.
-%
-Zymurgy's Law of Volunteer Labor:
-	People are always available for work in the past tense.
-%