twss-classifier 0.0.1
Sign up to get free protection for your applications and to get access to all the features.
- data/Gemfile +4 -0
- data/README.md +10 -0
- data/Rakefile +2 -0
- data/data/fmylife-parsed.txt +3351 -0
- data/data/gutenberg-fairy-tales.txt +2823 -0
- data/data/raw-data/fmylife-data.txt +1302 -0
- data/data/raw-data/texts-from-last-night-data.txt +1546 -0
- data/data/raw-data/twss-stories-data.txt +2131 -0
- data/data/texts-from-last-night-parsed.txt +2445 -0
- data/data/twss-stories-parsed.txt +2091 -0
- data/demo.rb +28 -0
- data/lib/twss-classifier.rb +16 -0
- data/lib/twss-classifier/naive-bayes.rb +121 -0
- data/lib/twss-classifier/twss-classifier.yaml +16146 -0
- data/lib/twss-classifier/version.rb +3 -0
- data/twss-classifier.gemspec +21 -0
- metadata +83 -0
|
@@ -0,0 +1,2445 @@
|
|
|
1
|
+
we were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150
|
|
2
|
+
i woke up locked in the bar
|
|
3
|
+
this has redefined partying
|
|
4
|
+
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
|
|
5
|
+
thanks for having 911 ready when i jumped off the balcony
|
|
6
|
+
he caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice
|
|
7
|
+
where do you find these people
|
|
8
|
+
my mouth holds just enough water for my bong
|
|
9
|
+
i dare you try and top an eiffel tower full of margarita
|
|
10
|
+
you put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was
|
|
11
|
+
worst part about day drinking
|
|
12
|
+
waking up to george lopez
|
|
13
|
+
ive slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants
|
|
14
|
+
im at 31 and he hasnt even noticed
|
|
15
|
+
vodka bottle broke
|
|
16
|
+
scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels
|
|
17
|
+
good thursday night
|
|
18
|
+
i loe djcudia fjxos rue
|
|
19
|
+
bank of america: available balance is $546
|
|
20
|
+
25 on 03/04/2011 for account 8428
|
|
21
|
+
go online for details
|
|
22
|
+
before you say anything my vagine does not discriminate against young dads
|
|
23
|
+
so the bros are yelling at another bro to get that dildo off the roof
|
|
24
|
+
and there is indeed a dildo looking object on the roof
|
|
25
|
+
i just realized i have yet to puke in your new apartment
|
|
26
|
+
clearly were doing something wrong
|
|
27
|
+
on my way over with cuervo as i type
|
|
28
|
+
somehow stranger danger turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street
|
|
29
|
+
you could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
|
|
30
|
+
right now i cant do anything that will ban me from donating plasma
|
|
31
|
+
that is a legit source of income for me
|
|
32
|
+
i cant believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers
|
|
33
|
+
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins
|
|
34
|
+
i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening
|
|
35
|
+
itll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes
|
|
36
|
+
i thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic
|
|
37
|
+
this cabin party is going to be fucked
|
|
38
|
+
i have to be home in time to watch my friend on that lifetime show about having babies
|
|
39
|
+
and by friend i mean the girl i had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago
|
|
40
|
+
she brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now hes giving her free shots
|
|
41
|
+
why didnt we think of that
|
|
42
|
+
someone just laughed at me while im laying on the floor waiting for the bus
|
|
43
|
+
like theyve never been hungover
|
|
44
|
+
how do i tell my boyfriend im taking the two weeks im in europe to fuck my way across 9 countries in a way where we will still be together
|
|
45
|
+
haha i know
|
|
46
|
+
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt
|
|
47
|
+
the last thing i remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
|
|
48
|
+
you guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there
|
|
49
|
+
not cool
|
|
50
|
+
i refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy
|
|
51
|
+
i dont think the cars salesman understands that i am about to vomit on him
|
|
52
|
+
trying to line up a dd for st pats day
|
|
53
|
+
i guarantee i will put out
|
|
54
|
+
or puke and pass out
|
|
55
|
+
really its 50/50 at this point
|
|
56
|
+
im swimming of confusion and bacardi
|
|
57
|
+
where do i go from herrrrrre
|
|
58
|
+
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees
|
|
59
|
+
yeah she tried to drown her but then they hooked up
|
|
60
|
+
he leaned in to kiss me and i dodged him but i fell on the floor
|
|
61
|
+
i guess i never got up cuz i woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
|
|
62
|
+
its daylight savings time sunday everything is going to be ok after all
|
|
63
|
+
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows
|
|
64
|
+
she hasnt reponded yet
|
|
65
|
+
i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar
|
|
66
|
+
so do you ever feel like every single one of your friends is involved in a massive and intricate conspiracy to cockblock you at all costs
|
|
67
|
+
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything
|
|
68
|
+
i mean once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you cant help but be friends after that
|
|
69
|
+
is it mean that i just sent him a pic of my tits with the header say bye bye
|
|
70
|
+
im using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on amazon
|
|
71
|
+
any questions
|
|
72
|
+
we fucked the fort apart but well rebuild it after we get some drinks
|
|
73
|
+
i just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer
|
|
74
|
+
we have a hundred jello shots
|
|
75
|
+
lines will be crossed
|
|
76
|
+
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
|
|
77
|
+
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook
|
|
78
|
+
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
|
|
79
|
+
i passed out on the floor of a truck stop
|
|
80
|
+
drinking binge 2011 is now over
|
|
81
|
+
it was like getting head from an anaconda
|
|
82
|
+
omg he fucking fingered me this morning
|
|
83
|
+
and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
|
|
84
|
+
yeah half my ass was burnt and i was missing a shoe
|
|
85
|
+
im blaming you for the shoe
|
|
86
|
+
i was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes
|
|
87
|
+
even my vagina gasped
|
|
88
|
+
chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is not the same as tequila w lime
|
|
89
|
+
so fucked up
|
|
90
|
+
cant tell if im starving or about to puke
|
|
91
|
+
playing it safe and eating froot loops
|
|
92
|
+
tasty in colorful out
|
|
93
|
+
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse
|
|
94
|
+
bouncy castle catalina wine-mixer race for the cure
|
|
95
|
+
it will be as fun as it sounds
|
|
96
|
+
unless you can cure my hangover with your penis im not interested
|
|
97
|
+
is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night
|
|
98
|
+
braiding the drunk passed out girls hair she will thank us in the morning
|
|
99
|
+
open bar reception
|
|
100
|
+
pray for me
|
|
101
|
+
my leg wont stop wagging
|
|
102
|
+
its like its congratulating my vagina
|
|
103
|
+
i found his backpack for the weekend
|
|
104
|
+
all it had was ping pong balls mardi gras beads and tums
|
|
105
|
+
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days
|
|
106
|
+
i feel like a 19 year old again
|
|
107
|
+
i returned her cell phone that i found in the bathroom i felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience
|
|
108
|
+
he tried to convince me he was a seal
|
|
109
|
+
sound effects included
|
|
110
|
+
and then asked me to be his lady seal
|
|
111
|
+
no because my penis told me to is not an acceptable answer to that question
|
|
112
|
+
well now i have to
|
|
113
|
+
im fucking an ugly guy
|
|
114
|
+
dont come home
|
|
115
|
+
his bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions we should have all become airline pilots
|
|
116
|
+
oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people held my hand then peed
|
|
117
|
+
imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
|
|
118
|
+
what is an appropriate thanks for saving my life gift i dont have any experience with this
|
|
119
|
+
i managed to fit my wallet my keys my phone tammys necklace and $38
|
|
120
|
+
50 all in my bra
|
|
121
|
+
and $1
|
|
122
|
+
50 is in quarters
|
|
123
|
+
go me
|
|
124
|
+
the room spins so much faster in panama
|
|
125
|
+
i do have sympathy for you
|
|
126
|
+
its just not going to manifest as a blow job
|
|
127
|
+
theyre like a gay fantastic four
|
|
128
|
+
yeah but hes impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything
|
|
129
|
+
including the walls
|
|
130
|
+
woke up with the dennys waiters myspace link on the back of my receipt
|
|
131
|
+
yep one of those nights
|
|
132
|
+
at a st pats house party
|
|
133
|
+
just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together
|
|
134
|
+
video forthcoming
|
|
135
|
+
definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me
|
|
136
|
+
there were staples in my comforter
|
|
137
|
+
what kind of sex did we even have
|
|
138
|
+
uh do you remember whos thong is in my tree
|
|
139
|
+
going to get a plan burrito
|
|
140
|
+
judging by the hole in the wall by the door the mis-matched shoes by the door and the door hanging off one hinge
|
|
141
|
+
id say hes on the loose
|
|
142
|
+
currently coming up with judgment the game
|
|
143
|
+
works well on buses will probably be more entertaining in bars
|
|
144
|
+
im taking it from the chunk of pizza i just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night
|
|
145
|
+
dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 i wanna make a pizza for afties
|
|
146
|
+
theres a picture of you standing next to a john wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive
|
|
147
|
+
your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face
|
|
148
|
+
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
|
|
149
|
+
hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck
|
|
150
|
+
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years i think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole im a lesbian thing
|
|
151
|
+
thank you for getting us into that car accident
|
|
152
|
+
i have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers
|
|
153
|
+
found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar
|
|
154
|
+
safe to say you dont want this one tagged
|
|
155
|
+
can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night im gonna try and hit that and i need something to break the ice with
|
|
156
|
+
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul
|
|
157
|
+
is it friday yet
|
|
158
|
+
dude i swear i heard geet out when i went down on her
|
|
159
|
+
i shouldve listened
|
|
160
|
+
you came here splled a bunch of margaritas hung up a picture of yourself and then left
|
|
161
|
+
im traumatized
|
|
162
|
+
his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping
|
|
163
|
+
you should know i just got pulled aside by tsa because they found a bottle of bud light in my backpack
|
|
164
|
+
thanks for that
|
|
165
|
+
im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns
|
|
166
|
+
i feel like youre just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino
|
|
167
|
+
sorry i didnt text you for coffee this morning
|
|
168
|
+
bad life decision saturday sorta rolled into monday
|
|
169
|
+
given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech its probably best u call the cops
|
|
170
|
+
im reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience
|
|
171
|
+
its 5:30am in vegas and im eating mcdondalds next to crying prostitutes
|
|
172
|
+
low point
|
|
173
|
+
he just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong
|
|
174
|
+
i cant make this shit up
|
|
175
|
+
he put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom
|
|
176
|
+
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken
|
|
177
|
+
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride
|
|
178
|
+
cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour
|
|
179
|
+
went to get my tattoo today
|
|
180
|
+
found out the piercing girl is bi
|
|
181
|
+
i may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow
|
|
182
|
+
confidence is low these days
|
|
183
|
+
how long is a courtesy make out supposed to last
|
|
184
|
+
well lets see
|
|
185
|
+
after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there
|
|
186
|
+
my roommate threw his shoe through our window and i came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall
|
|
187
|
+
pretty sure edward 80 hands wont be happening anymore
|
|
188
|
+
i found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone
|
|
189
|
+
kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot
|
|
190
|
+
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch
|
|
191
|
+
please call me when u get this
|
|
192
|
+
its official drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
|
|
193
|
+
it was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to circle of life
|
|
194
|
+
just saying
|
|
195
|
+
you peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us
|
|
196
|
+
and when people walked by you proceeded to say careful you might slip
|
|
197
|
+
at the same time
|
|
198
|
+
hot men feeding me brownies
|
|
199
|
+
in between rounds of sex
|
|
200
|
+
you yelled get to da choppa and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night
|
|
201
|
+
with the goose
|
|
202
|
+
turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain not a bedbug
|
|
203
|
+
we feel much safer now
|
|
204
|
+
get over here now
|
|
205
|
+
the boys are doing shots of everclear chasing with monster and some dude jsut walked in with a backpack full of tattoo gear
|
|
206
|
+
one of two things would happen: hed love it or youd get a restraining order
|
|
207
|
+
i just took a shower and i feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me
|
|
208
|
+
we have sex then we talk about foreign policy
|
|
209
|
+
its a win-win
|
|
210
|
+
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks as they rubbed him down with lotion while rolling a joint
|
|
211
|
+
hes like a modern-day african king
|
|
212
|
+
i think u should go home and go to bed
|
|
213
|
+
if u get arrested in the ohio river u go to jail in kentucky
|
|
214
|
+
nobody wants to go to jail in ky
|
|
215
|
+
how can he have such a manly penis and baby hands
|
|
216
|
+
he found my weave
|
|
217
|
+
think hell still fuck me friday and how do i ask for it back
|
|
218
|
+
i couldnt function
|
|
219
|
+
i was to the point where i was using a bottle cap as a monocle
|
|
220
|
+
some guy just yelled at me from his car cliiiiiiiiiitt
|
|
221
|
+
i feel like this has something to do with last night
|
|
222
|
+
he literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasnt allowed to finger me for a week
|
|
223
|
+
dude you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling
|
|
224
|
+
what in the hell were you guys doing
|
|
225
|
+
between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico im not thinking too highly of their country right now
|
|
226
|
+
screw mexican homeless men
|
|
227
|
+
cognac is not meant to be taken in shots
|
|
228
|
+
i just wanted you to know the desperation of last night
|
|
229
|
+
you graduated two years ago
|
|
230
|
+
you cant keep using spring break as an excuse
|
|
231
|
+
i made a dollar
|
|
232
|
+
were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
|
|
233
|
+
i left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death
|
|
234
|
+
do with it as you wish
|
|
235
|
+
i had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was
|
|
236
|
+
just found bacon bits in my pocket
|
|
237
|
+
blackout buffet is the best
|
|
238
|
+
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila
|
|
239
|
+
the reisling atracex us
|
|
240
|
+
were fycked ul hardcorw
|
|
241
|
+
james washomgton state attacked us
|
|
242
|
+
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs
|
|
243
|
+
lines were crossed
|
|
244
|
+
she said i walked up to the mcdonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place
|
|
245
|
+
btw found the cat
|
|
246
|
+
he didnt appreciate the toilet bath
|
|
247
|
+
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead
|
|
248
|
+
her reasoning was theyre both soo pink
|
|
249
|
+
i cant tell them apart
|
|
250
|
+
its a shave your legs in the cvs bathroom kind of night
|
|
251
|
+
i left you pizza on the porch
|
|
252
|
+
i didnt want to wake you if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again
|
|
253
|
+
sorry if its cold
|
|
254
|
+
how many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time its me hans
|
|
255
|
+
thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
|
|
256
|
+
my lab manual has instructions for making home wine
|
|
257
|
+
room project
|
|
258
|
+
we lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay
|
|
259
|
+
i have three paper towels stuck up my vagina
|
|
260
|
+
this is not a time to be calm
|
|
261
|
+
i made out with jen
|
|
262
|
+
we were naked
|
|
263
|
+
im still gay
|
|
264
|
+
i can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time
|
|
265
|
+
dude i think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away
|
|
266
|
+
this is the second time
|
|
267
|
+
i hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs
|
|
268
|
+
i dont want to explain why i have rug burns on my back
|
|
269
|
+
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl ive hooked up with
|
|
270
|
+
i just realized
|
|
271
|
+
my grades arent ready for st patties day
|
|
272
|
+
dont let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
|
|
273
|
+
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach
|
|
274
|
+
when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
|
|
275
|
+
sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning
|
|
276
|
+
but maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning
|
|
277
|
+
the walls are thin remember
|
|
278
|
+
bathrooms are cool i think im just gonna hang out here for a bit
|
|
279
|
+
she took a picture of me when she thought i was sleeping
|
|
280
|
+
i dont know whether to be amused or scared
|
|
281
|
+
fell down a spiral staircase
|
|
282
|
+
et tu vodka
|
|
283
|
+
et tu
|
|
284
|
+
as i was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing toot it and boot it
|
|
285
|
+
im in love
|
|
286
|
+
i made a tournament bracket for the girls that im talking with
|
|
287
|
+
woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where i was scarfing cajun pasta from tgi fridays
|
|
288
|
+
thats a new level of fat even for us
|
|
289
|
+
friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
|
|
290
|
+
she was stumbling around looking for her cat
|
|
291
|
+
she said i could help but i had to call him by his jungle name
|
|
292
|
+
survived finals
|
|
293
|
+
cant die from alcohol poisoning
|
|
294
|
+
nother shot
|
|
295
|
+
did they have a limo or was i just stoned
|
|
296
|
+
there are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo
|
|
297
|
+
pretended not to speak english
|
|
298
|
+
youre welcome
|
|
299
|
+
dontating $10 to the red cross relief effort in japan for every car bomb i take tomorrow
|
|
300
|
+
yes buying me a drink just became a good cause
|
|
301
|
+
i feel like today should be a im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do kinda day
|
|
302
|
+
considering the last guy i had sex with was gay this was a huge improvement
|
|
303
|
+
i wish the er had shaved that part of my head
|
|
304
|
+
it would be easier to show people my staples at the bar
|
|
305
|
+
so getting a bj to i believe i can fly is one of the greatest things ever
|
|
306
|
+
i just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes
|
|
307
|
+
thanks for telling me you made weed cookies
|
|
308
|
+
use motel 8
|
|
309
|
+
ill give you my credit card #
|
|
310
|
+
ill pay for it cuz i care about your vagina
|
|
311
|
+
im spooning a three legged dog right now
|
|
312
|
+
started drinking whiskey with breakfast
|
|
313
|
+
best part about being biracial is irish cousins
|
|
314
|
+
dog pic attahed
|
|
315
|
+
all ive consumed over the last couple days is vanilla coke semen and coors
|
|
316
|
+
i dont think today will be any different
|
|
317
|
+
i can hear her blowing you man
|
|
318
|
+
all i hear is her saying yeah over and over again
|
|
319
|
+
i have to fuck proof my bed
|
|
320
|
+
it was in the middle of the room this time
|
|
321
|
+
is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team
|
|
322
|
+
i dont
|
|
323
|
+
you dont
|
|
324
|
+
shes 19 drunk and said she has no gag reflex
|
|
325
|
+
im trying to decide if i have scruples
|
|
326
|
+
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house
|
|
327
|
+
im currently bartering with this guy so i can fuck his bi girlfriend
|
|
328
|
+
were at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out
|
|
329
|
+
im cleaning my bathroom
|
|
330
|
+
that being said i found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it
|
|
331
|
+
floor is clean im gonna snort it
|
|
332
|
+
update: still drunk enough to get lost in zellers and to think my reflection was my mother
|
|
333
|
+
awesome day
|
|
334
|
+
guys im sleeping in the boynton laundry room
|
|
335
|
+
if you can come let me out in the morning as i have no keys
|
|
336
|
+
i might be in the study room possibly
|
|
337
|
+
dont forget
|
|
338
|
+
i will be trapped
|
|
339
|
+
i found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window
|
|
340
|
+
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously if i fall go on without me
|
|
341
|
+
just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go
|
|
342
|
+
this is me reassuring you that im still alive and making sure you still are
|
|
343
|
+
we dont need a hotel well just sleep in the post office
|
|
344
|
+
she posted on her fb that he moved out
|
|
345
|
+
its like she wants me to fuck him
|
|
346
|
+
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it
|
|
347
|
+
she climbed through the window and into my bed
|
|
348
|
+
not even sure who she is
|
|
349
|
+
was thinking she might be a friend of yours
|
|
350
|
+
so you plan on doing double washing machine sex like
|
|
351
|
+
a double date
|
|
352
|
+
but with sex
|
|
353
|
+
on a washing machine
|
|
354
|
+
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice
|
|
355
|
+
btw im creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail
|
|
356
|
+
its just a matter of time
|
|
357
|
+
the ball is in my court
|
|
358
|
+
soon to be in her mouth
|
|
359
|
+
fyi im about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming snack attack and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong
|
|
360
|
+
i suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone cant look good but i mean
|
|
361
|
+
sometimes its just necessary
|
|
362
|
+
he went around feeding all the high kids pretzels
|
|
363
|
+
hes like their god now
|
|
364
|
+
peeing in public by noon this is not a good indicator for the day
|
|
365
|
+
st patricks day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany
|
|
366
|
+
matt and i tucked you in
|
|
367
|
+
you refused to move your head from under the bed
|
|
368
|
+
its only 11:30 and shes already making friends with the homeless
|
|
369
|
+
i met her at the liquor store
|
|
370
|
+
i hope im wearing a condom
|
|
371
|
+
just found cake in my bra debating if i should eat it
|
|
372
|
+
im a little nervous about this st
|
|
373
|
+
pattys day party
|
|
374
|
+
seriously were still finding stuff from the halloween party
|
|
375
|
+
judging by the crutches in the living room i take it you two are fine and we arent going out tonight
|
|
376
|
+
green mimosas i think yes
|
|
377
|
+
alton just did gravy shots
|
|
378
|
+
this is why hes my hero
|
|
379
|
+
im trying to spell out i love you with a series of photos of my penis but i just realized i cant do the y of you
|
|
380
|
+
they were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers
|
|
381
|
+
the one day i decide not to take the bus home
|
|
382
|
+
puking green right now
|
|
383
|
+
jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
|
|
384
|
+
there is a strobe light in my taxi
|
|
385
|
+
in what way is this safe
|
|
386
|
+
apparently she buried shit in the snow back in january and now that its melted i found a flip flop 4 spoons a bottle of smirnoff and 14 different candy bars
|
|
387
|
+
90 persent of me said dont pee on that fake plant
|
|
388
|
+
buyt i did
|
|
389
|
+
i maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight
|
|
390
|
+
at a state park
|
|
391
|
+
please be proud
|
|
392
|
+
police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and i was crying because they wouldnt let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
|
|
393
|
+
pretty sure i tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk
|
|
394
|
+
fell like six times
|
|
395
|
+
keep forgetting
|
|
396
|
+
there are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop thats always on his bike as hes citing them for public drunkenness
|
|
397
|
+
its not even 11 am
|
|
398
|
+
speaking of graduation plans im blacked out eating sausage
|
|
399
|
+
not till sunday
|
|
400
|
+
im going to sleep in my car
|
|
401
|
+
and i know
|
|
402
|
+
this place is insane
|
|
403
|
+
blood on the stairs 5 dollar slices of pizza
|
|
404
|
+
a girl on our floor had a stroke
|
|
405
|
+
just realized how many men ive had sex with for the first time in st
|
|
406
|
+
pattys day past
|
|
407
|
+
currently sending happy sexiversary texts
|
|
408
|
+
that was probably my one chance to sleep with a man named boris and you ruined it
|
|
409
|
+
starting drinking whiskey at eight
|
|
410
|
+
already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure im wearing it right
|
|
411
|
+
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces my professor was getting suspicious
|
|
412
|
+
i dont think my arm is broken i can still text
|
|
413
|
+
this xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students
|
|
414
|
+
just curious
|
|
415
|
+
do you still have the cocks bracelet you know the one we pass around to whoevers been the biggest slut recently
|
|
416
|
+
i guess ill put a green shirt on
|
|
417
|
+
also i just snorted some protein shake power
|
|
418
|
+
that doesnt have anything to do with st
|
|
419
|
+
patricks day
|
|
420
|
+
i just wanted you to know in case i die
|
|
421
|
+
im applying temporary tattoos with green beer this is the life
|
|
422
|
+
i cant see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour
|
|
423
|
+
someone else typed this for me
|
|
424
|
+
she was puking red wine out the car window telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow not okay
|
|
425
|
+
he started crying and showing me pictures of his ex
|
|
426
|
+
she was really pretty
|
|
427
|
+
its an honor to have shared a penis with her
|
|
428
|
+
aside from the fact that theres a penis in my mouth thats a pretty good picture of me
|
|
429
|
+
just so everyones clear it was already on fire when i got there
|
|
430
|
+
blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing tiny dancer
|
|
431
|
+
i had a great penis washing session in the sink before i left
|
|
432
|
+
washed off all the bar and green beer
|
|
433
|
+
hes only going to be home for two days his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours he doesnt have a choice
|
|
434
|
+
he was going down on me and raised up for a minute slipped and punched me in the face
|
|
435
|
+
my lady boner left immediately
|
|
436
|
+
i told myself this year would be different i wouldnt get pee in a fish tank drunk
|
|
437
|
+
got to the girls house
|
|
438
|
+
fish tank in her room
|
|
439
|
+
2 years in a row
|
|
440
|
+
had to keep the tradition going
|
|
441
|
+
im pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested i see how much sambuca i could fit in my mouth
|
|
442
|
+
i was the last girl at the bar last night
|
|
443
|
+
it was like a battle royale between 10 guys
|
|
444
|
+
i ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case
|
|
445
|
+
now do you believe me that ive never had a good st
|
|
446
|
+
patricks day
|
|
447
|
+
i dont even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart
|
|
448
|
+
what are the signs of a concussion please dont freak out
|
|
449
|
+
i think off duty cops drove me home
|
|
450
|
+
i may have been hitchhiking
|
|
451
|
+
turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isnt quite the same as the sober version
|
|
452
|
+
im pretty sure i made fun of the managers mom at one point
|
|
453
|
+
he added me on facebook
|
|
454
|
+
im pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra i had lost in the frat house
|
|
455
|
+
i went up to get a drink from the hotel room
|
|
456
|
+
and ended up getting arrested in the lobby
|
|
457
|
+
spring break has not been forgiving this year
|
|
458
|
+
she stumbled in with some guy woke me up introduced him and said this is my sister
|
|
459
|
+
shes a freshman
|
|
460
|
+
she probably hates you
|
|
461
|
+
ill try not to
|
|
462
|
+
i have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there
|
|
463
|
+
dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer
|
|
464
|
+
he keeps going up next to people and trying to shake
|
|
465
|
+
this is awesome
|
|
466
|
+
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize eggggsaucetingf meant exhausting
|
|
467
|
+
just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication
|
|
468
|
+
shotgunning in a bus shelter
|
|
469
|
+
there was an amgbulance
|
|
470
|
+
iw ish i was in it
|
|
471
|
+
my glasses are somewhere in your living room
|
|
472
|
+
also my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch
|
|
473
|
+
false alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
|
|
474
|
+
there are some nice people on this island
|
|
475
|
+
free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
|
|
476
|
+
just fell asleep during a bikini wax
|
|
477
|
+
thank god for day drinking
|
|
478
|
+
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible
|
|
479
|
+
my roommate made me go home after i mooed at fat girls at the gas station
|
|
480
|
+
i will be blacked out in the shower
|
|
481
|
+
come get me
|
|
482
|
+
20 mins
|
|
483
|
+
just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest
|
|
484
|
+
good lookin out
|
|
485
|
+
he just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
|
|
486
|
+
dont ever tell me im a bad friend
|
|
487
|
+
i woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldnt get up
|
|
488
|
+
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
|
|
489
|
+
i am safe
|
|
490
|
+
everything is fog
|
|
491
|
+
mission accomplished
|
|
492
|
+
there was a reason that throat warrior 2011 was written on my martini glass
|
|
493
|
+
he said my title was undisputed
|
|
494
|
+
someone shattered a urinal
|
|
495
|
+
we hotboxed my bathroom
|
|
496
|
+
with nine people and two dogs
|
|
497
|
+
but im still alive
|
|
498
|
+
and thats the main thing
|
|
499
|
+
were lost were cold and we dont know what to do with the stray cat we found
|
|
500
|
+
i just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus & theres no way im pregnant
|
|
501
|
+
he went all bachlorette on me
|
|
502
|
+
i just want to guard and protect your heart bullshit
|
|
503
|
+
can you believe theyre going to let me be a doctor
|
|
504
|
+
pretty sure i blacked out the last 48 hours the last thing i remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on thurs
|
|
505
|
+
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
|
|
506
|
+
get out here
|
|
507
|
+
doing shots with the delivery guy
|
|
508
|
+
also the food is here
|
|
509
|
+
he googled the address of the bar then sent me a text saying 6
|
|
510
|
+
3 miles
|
|
511
|
+
too far
|
|
512
|
+
:( apparently i am only worth a 5 mile radius
|
|
513
|
+
im pretty sure it started going awry when i asked their mom how much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters
|
|
514
|
+
just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation
|
|
515
|
+
i am so ready to graduate
|
|
516
|
+
just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal
|
|
517
|
+
its offically spring
|
|
518
|
+
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am
|
|
519
|
+
next time when i try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight
|
|
520
|
+
its also 90 degrees out but im not sure i can feel heat or cold any more
|
|
521
|
+
too hungover
|
|
522
|
+
im pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
|
|
523
|
+
driving around panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store
|
|
524
|
+
yeah hes still asleep
|
|
525
|
+
i washed the blender out
|
|
526
|
+
he tried to make a ham-shake
|
|
527
|
+
lets wait until after break to have that talk
|
|
528
|
+
i kind of want to see where this goes
|
|
529
|
+
i tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet
|
|
530
|
+
ive had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than i ever had in any two weeks we were together
|
|
531
|
+
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream
|
|
532
|
+
yeah i probably scared him away when i drunkenly told him wed have beautiful children
|
|
533
|
+
just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger
|
|
534
|
+
might not be such a bad night after all
|
|
535
|
+
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting
|
|
536
|
+
i spelled most of the words right
|
|
537
|
+
i hope
|
|
538
|
+
i get of class at 4
|
|
539
|
+
it takes me 17 minutes to walk home and 3 to load a bowl
|
|
540
|
+
thank you priority registration
|
|
541
|
+
didnt get to fuck her
|
|
542
|
+
had to leave abruptly through window
|
|
543
|
+
explain later
|
|
544
|
+
you were crying and trying to give advice to people
|
|
545
|
+
thats was a new level of drunk for you
|
|
546
|
+
i jsut feel off the bus but its ok the driver let me back on
|
|
547
|
+
a woman hid her baby from me
|
|
548
|
+
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girls face after the bar last night
|
|
549
|
+
when i told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick all she said was which one
|
|
550
|
+
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st
|
|
551
|
+
patricks day party
|
|
552
|
+
i touch his dick
|
|
553
|
+
i get him on the high holidays
|
|
554
|
+
should i feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits
|
|
555
|
+
dizzyuy bat
|
|
556
|
+
453 lkos
|
|
557
|
+
hoit sx now im single
|
|
558
|
+
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
|
|
559
|
+
im blasting fat bottom girls as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool
|
|
560
|
+
i just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex wont help me forget the last time i drunkenly had sex it only makes the situation worse
|
|
561
|
+
i figured if im going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume ill be blacking out as well
|
|
562
|
+
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch i miss you
|
|
563
|
+
i think it was the shoes and limping
|
|
564
|
+
not the sex
|
|
565
|
+
i could b wrong
|
|
566
|
+
i feel like i just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott
|
|
567
|
+
everyone stared
|
|
568
|
+
lesson learned
|
|
569
|
+
never get fingered on an airplane
|
|
570
|
+
im not embarrassed about the lap dance
|
|
571
|
+
im embarrassed for the singing during
|
|
572
|
+
he woke up got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep
|
|
573
|
+
not really how i want to wake up at 2 a
|
|
574
|
+
hah i lost the lenses in my glasses didnt event notice til this morning
|
|
575
|
+
how was the meeting
|
|
576
|
+
he called the drink the annexation of puerto rico
|
|
577
|
+
he wouldnt tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives
|
|
578
|
+
lets do this
|
|
579
|
+
where is my rescue team
|
|
580
|
+
i keep hiding shit
|
|
581
|
+
and im trying to give out shots of olive oil
|
|
582
|
+
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup
|
|
583
|
+
i just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor
|
|
584
|
+
literally too hung over to function
|
|
585
|
+
maid of honor is brides sister and single
|
|
586
|
+
likes lemondrops
|
|
587
|
+
youre welcome
|
|
588
|
+
some bitch filled my sink with salsa
|
|
589
|
+
reaaaally cool
|
|
590
|
+
my cat ate my birth control
|
|
591
|
+
woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other
|
|
592
|
+
guess i just needed that one last beer
|
|
593
|
+
she just referred to her vagina as this bitch
|
|
594
|
+
i could write a book on how to barely get by in community college
|
|
595
|
+
i just took an online quiz on my phone at the bar 6 minutes before it was due
|
|
596
|
+
wow that was a lesbian tornado
|
|
597
|
+
of course he wants me there for his birthday
|
|
598
|
+
if a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life youre gonna want her to be there
|
|
599
|
+
dude im importing a boy from oklahoma for my divorce party
|
|
600
|
+
its like doctors without borders but with dicks
|
|
601
|
+
my glasses smell like tequila
|
|
602
|
+
i just put them on and almost threw up
|
|
603
|
+
if you fool around take the white sweatshirt off of her first
|
|
604
|
+
its mine and i dont like your cum nearly as much as she does
|
|
605
|
+
theres just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm
|
|
606
|
+
like a baby cow
|
|
607
|
+
well as a member of the greater american southwest gay community i just have to mark this as a total loss and you will be missed
|
|
608
|
+
he yelled juice on the loose yes i am sure i need plan b
|
|
609
|
+
she was like the rudy of blow jobs
|
|
610
|
+
so much effort into it
|
|
611
|
+
we tried to make a sex tape but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera
|
|
612
|
+
somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in
|
|
613
|
+
no way
|
|
614
|
+
if i brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental
|
|
615
|
+
he still lectured me about forgetting shit
|
|
616
|
+
than he said hes gonna paint me green so i can stand in a corner and be a plant
|
|
617
|
+
i just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone
|
|
618
|
+
the things i do for sexting
|
|
619
|
+
boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
|
|
620
|
+
all she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back to release my choke hold
|
|
621
|
+
the other night after we fucked we talked about lowes vision insurance
|
|
622
|
+
never fuck a coworker
|
|
623
|
+
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
|
|
624
|
+
why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like im a prostitute just because i have bunny ears on
|
|
625
|
+
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey
|
|
626
|
+
i woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist or he peed himself but it was okay
|
|
627
|
+
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
|
|
628
|
+
just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight spring break has begun
|
|
629
|
+
you do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late
|
|
630
|
+
you would have succeeded if we didnt stop you
|
|
631
|
+
i think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach seein a rainbow and havin an orgasm at the same time
|
|
632
|
+
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
|
|
633
|
+
in the middle of getting a blow job she looked up at me and said this isnt the first time ive done this today
|
|
634
|
+
she gave him a lap dance on the glass table
|
|
635
|
+
you can guess how that ended
|
|
636
|
+
sorry i fell asleep again
|
|
637
|
+
im in the shower now
|
|
638
|
+
door is unlocked
|
|
639
|
+
condoms are in my desk
|
|
640
|
+
i want your game face on for when i get out
|
|
641
|
+
were almost there
|
|
642
|
+
shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off
|
|
643
|
+
anything for my little brother
|
|
644
|
+
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago
|
|
645
|
+
i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet
|
|
646
|
+
im gonna start fucking more girls with asthma
|
|
647
|
+
help feed my ego
|
|
648
|
+
sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper
|
|
649
|
+
fuck it
|
|
650
|
+
i think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship
|
|
651
|
+
next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week
|
|
652
|
+
we invented diesel bombs
|
|
653
|
+
theyre supposed to be a bomb but they come in a 20+ oz
|
|
654
|
+
glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses
|
|
655
|
+
undoubtedly going to be the next muhammed ali of the drinking world
|
|
656
|
+
dude if she brings up the lube you know nothing
|
|
657
|
+
it is official
|
|
658
|
+
its the year of doin married chicks
|
|
659
|
+
similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage
|
|
660
|
+
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week
|
|
661
|
+
missing: one left eyebrow
|
|
662
|
+
reward if returned
|
|
663
|
+
then he complimented me on how excellent i was at breathing through my nose
|
|
664
|
+
oh i forgot to tell u
|
|
665
|
+
i hit someone with my car in the riteaid parking lot
|
|
666
|
+
more like a nudge
|
|
667
|
+
just called the bar: hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding do you happen to have my coat
|
|
668
|
+
i found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor
|
|
669
|
+
she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink
|
|
670
|
+
that penis youre staring at is the penis of heartbreak
|
|
671
|
+
stay away
|
|
672
|
+
it will break your heart and keep you away from other penises
|
|
673
|
+
the penis
|
|
674
|
+
i just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon
|
|
675
|
+
if he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in london constituted sex he thought wrong
|
|
676
|
+
this dude was wearing a plan b- one step backpack
|
|
677
|
+
i wonder how many more i have to buy until i get mine
|
|
678
|
+
i dont think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy
|
|
679
|
+
i think he figured out thats where hes heading
|
|
680
|
+
she found 60 bucks at the strip club
|
|
681
|
+
its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
|
|
682
|
+
you mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 am youre right she was cute
|
|
683
|
+
im considering failing out of my last semester of college just so i can keep fucking him
|
|
684
|
+
woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles sleeping on a pair of sweatpants
|
|
685
|
+
i cant believe the girl didnt stick around
|
|
686
|
+
yes she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship
|
|
687
|
+
he called his prostate his boner button
|
|
688
|
+
so how does it feel getting bood by the entire 5 guys restaurant
|
|
689
|
+
i had no where to run
|
|
690
|
+
the dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
|
|
691
|
+
i couldnt sleep so i drunk ellipticaled for an hour
|
|
692
|
+
i just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
|
|
693
|
+
i had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so i didnt get kicked out
|
|
694
|
+
she said she wanted to have closure sex
|
|
695
|
+
i just feel like im gonna be remembered as that one ra guy that used to sell weed
|
|
696
|
+
although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me
|
|
697
|
+
i was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and thats in there for sure
|
|
698
|
+
i think im finally maturing
|
|
699
|
+
im happy he found someone
|
|
700
|
+
good for him
|
|
701
|
+
i sincerely hope she doesnt choke on his tiny penis
|
|
702
|
+
well let me tell you it was the most vivid sex dream ive ever had
|
|
703
|
+
more so than the paris hilton one i had in 05
|
|
704
|
+
and about as weird
|
|
705
|
+
im love that were talking about a possible 3rd 3some and that youre going to be a dad
|
|
706
|
+
was that not clear on friday when i nearly deapthroated two ice cubes
|
|
707
|
+
just had to return the shit i stole from the dining hall with everyone watching
|
|
708
|
+
apparently there are consequences for being drunk coked up and belligerent
|
|
709
|
+
so im coping with getting the im not over my ex bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
|
|
710
|
+
hahahaha you would not believe what i just pulled out of my vagina
|
|
711
|
+
actually you probably wouldnt be surprised
|
|
712
|
+
just realized the guy is in my class
|
|
713
|
+
unless theres another guy that had half his ear bit off at a st
|
|
714
|
+
pattys party
|
|
715
|
+
when else am i ever going to have a chance to do lines with t-pain
|
|
716
|
+
im pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what harder meant
|
|
717
|
+
look you found him on craigslist
|
|
718
|
+
you should be happy that he at least has a normal looking dick
|
|
719
|
+
fyi the landlord called said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house
|
|
720
|
+
was someone on the roof lastnight
|
|
721
|
+
apparently i have a urinal in my bedroom
|
|
722
|
+
you had it for us with someone else
|
|
723
|
+
we didnt even have break up sex
|
|
724
|
+
after throwing up the toothpaste tasted so good
|
|
725
|
+
thank you for not letting me eat it
|
|
726
|
+
he ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out
|
|
727
|
+
i think hes a keeper
|
|
728
|
+
just a heads up the coffee pot is filled with jager
|
|
729
|
+
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
|
|
730
|
+
i am fine
|
|
731
|
+
katie thinkr i broke things pole dancing
|
|
732
|
+
i am coherant
|
|
733
|
+
after the second day the hotel realized i wasnt responsible enough to have a comforter so they took it for the rest of the trip
|
|
734
|
+
despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing i think that interview went really well
|
|
735
|
+
she made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast
|
|
736
|
+
remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace
|
|
737
|
+
just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am
|
|
738
|
+
im almost judging myself
|
|
739
|
+
chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm its gonna one of those kinda thursdays
|
|
740
|
+
i hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that im still drunk
|
|
741
|
+
first i must say that i am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom youve not hooked me up
|
|
742
|
+
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
|
|
743
|
+
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth naked
|
|
744
|
+
the best sex is duke just lost sex
|
|
745
|
+
i have no recollection of sleep choking you
|
|
746
|
+
i tried to fuck this guy who im pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
|
|
747
|
+
just for future reference: milk is not a good mixer no matter how drunk you are
|
|
748
|
+
he threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us
|
|
749
|
+
normally youd hate someone for that but that guys great
|
|
750
|
+
i just test ran being their maid
|
|
751
|
+
im getting 50 bucks a month and theyre buying the costume
|
|
752
|
+
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks
|
|
753
|
+
and that would make me proud as a mother
|
|
754
|
+
taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket
|
|
755
|
+
i have 30
|
|
756
|
+
i might die tonight
|
|
757
|
+
apparently i grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife
|
|
758
|
+
meanwhile i am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if im too drunk to go get french fries
|
|
759
|
+
when the cops knocked on the door he just knocked back and announced house keeping
|
|
760
|
+
i can feel the alcohol in my calves
|
|
761
|
+
sorry i pulled the thermostat off the wall
|
|
762
|
+
a burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl
|
|
763
|
+
hope ur not in jail
|
|
764
|
+
4 realz
|
|
765
|
+
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs im so happy
|
|
766
|
+
looking for the remote in the couch
|
|
767
|
+
finding adderall beads
|
|
768
|
+
considering utilizing
|
|
769
|
+
hahaha i asked him about her bjs and he said i would not wish that on anyone
|
|
770
|
+
if you try to operate on me with a bic pen and vodka im never talking to you again
|
|
771
|
+
i was the definition of a shit show
|
|
772
|
+
i woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
|
|
773
|
+
wasnt a date
|
|
774
|
+
in exchange for artichoke dip i received a bj
|
|
775
|
+
and sex
|
|
776
|
+
it was a transaction
|
|
777
|
+
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again
|
|
778
|
+
and now there are teeth marks on my dick
|
|
779
|
+
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
|
|
780
|
+
i got used
|
|
781
|
+
this is the happiest day of my life
|
|
782
|
+
i was just a huge cock and that is all she needed
|
|
783
|
+
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
|
|
784
|
+
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again
|
|
785
|
+
i just found a bag of teeth
|
|
786
|
+
whats the name of that soccar player i bit again
|
|
787
|
+
the fact that its 530pm and im saying to myself i should sober up since im at a family establishment should say enough
|
|
788
|
+
we all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you
|
|
789
|
+
drunk pantless and confused
|
|
790
|
+
dont try to switch things up
|
|
791
|
+
i wish i had a puke in your car emoticon
|
|
792
|
+
let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass i ever had
|
|
793
|
+
first coke bust down the road
|
|
794
|
+
spring is finally here
|
|
795
|
+
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
|
|
796
|
+
you can come over sure
|
|
797
|
+
but ill be watching college hockey during the blow job
|
|
798
|
+
i really cant get over how proud i am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
|
|
799
|
+
new rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off dont do it
|
|
800
|
+
congratulations you fucked a nickle into me
|
|
801
|
+
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand
|
|
802
|
+
i need input can i pre-game my cat scan
|
|
803
|
+
i dont really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
|
|
804
|
+
you should get a handy in the street again just to prove youve still got it
|
|
805
|
+
new rule : you arent allowed anything
|
|
806
|
+
did i happen to mention where i left my keys when i drunk dialed you last night
|
|
807
|
+
why does it always end up with me crying in my car
|
|
808
|
+
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as i wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
|
|
809
|
+
she didnt even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk
|
|
810
|
+
like at this point i think these are the things she expects from me
|
|
811
|
+
i was just about to send a concerned text until i opened my door and saw a shopping cart
|
|
812
|
+
im glad you made it home in one piece and with toys
|
|
813
|
+
i feel like a fucked a broomstick last night
|
|
814
|
+
you get a gold star
|
|
815
|
+
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers
|
|
816
|
+
the icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall
|
|
817
|
+
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
|
|
818
|
+
also theres a dick sized hole in my tights
|
|
819
|
+
should i be worried
|
|
820
|
+
in an unknown location
|
|
821
|
+
with a giant marshmallow stuck to my back
|
|
822
|
+
hello breakfast
|
|
823
|
+
i may have broken a few toes and my face hurts
|
|
824
|
+
i do know that i pissed the bed so at least ive got some closure there
|
|
825
|
+
when you tell me you got me a birthday present i have to assume it will show up in a drug test
|
|
826
|
+
i got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time
|
|
827
|
+
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk
|
|
828
|
+
big cup lots of nomnomd tuospy
|
|
829
|
+
she gave me head because i gave her my pack of cigarettes
|
|
830
|
+
and you said quitting would be hard
|
|
831
|
+
no one intentionally makes bad decisions just errors in judgement
|
|
832
|
+
you have your boyfriend i have a restraining order from universal studios
|
|
833
|
+
its all relative
|
|
834
|
+
so i totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of its nest
|
|
835
|
+
im going to look like a jackass in the mexican newspaper tomorrow
|
|
836
|
+
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls
|
|
837
|
+
thought of you
|
|
838
|
+
i fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open earth hour is lost on people like me
|
|
839
|
+
you gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money
|
|
840
|
+
my dildo fell into the bathtub
|
|
841
|
+
it sounded like a chainsaw
|
|
842
|
+
there are bruises on the top of my foot
|
|
843
|
+
the pole won
|
|
844
|
+
this isnt fair
|
|
845
|
+
i just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness wake up and start over
|
|
846
|
+
is that so much to ask
|
|
847
|
+
i have now slept with people from more countries than ive actually visited
|
|
848
|
+
can we make this a game somehow like foreign fuck buddy bingo
|
|
849
|
+
he got tattooed peirced and were pretty sure he got rufeed by that fat chick
|
|
850
|
+
he was like a walking spring break stereotype
|
|
851
|
+
i had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
|
|
852
|
+
just got tipped $5 for distracting some dudes gf while he got another girls number
|
|
853
|
+
bro-code at its finest
|
|
854
|
+
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
|
|
855
|
+
yeah we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
|
|
856
|
+
i dont understand but i fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
|
|
857
|
+
and there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
|
|
858
|
+
on a side note i think i burnt my eyebrow when we teter-totered into the fire
|
|
859
|
+
yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
|
|
860
|
+
shes either too fat to type hammered or has terrible spelling
|
|
861
|
+
please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of
|
|
862
|
+
my dick is covered in produce stickers
|
|
863
|
+
i suspect you
|
|
864
|
+
why oh why did i suck thise tits
|
|
865
|
+
nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
|
|
866
|
+
i had to take the fire extinguisher from him
|
|
867
|
+
he was just sitting on the floor petting it
|
|
868
|
+
be careful theres warming lubricant on the floor
|
|
869
|
+
i will clean and explain later
|
|
870
|
+
i put labels all over the house on things i think are mine
|
|
871
|
+
a cactus the dog and a bottle of wine
|
|
872
|
+
i was driving around baked windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
|
|
873
|
+
pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning
|
|
874
|
+
this way i can sleep in an extra 10 minutes
|
|
875
|
+
the girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood
|
|
876
|
+
my overnight senior got drunk and hooked up with kaylee on sunday
|
|
877
|
+
i checked facebook and he already put down his deposit for next year
|
|
878
|
+
this school should pay me a commission
|
|
879
|
+
i think i dropped my cock ring in your back yard
|
|
880
|
+
maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has no shame
|
|
881
|
+
either i need to stop bringing you back to my apt or i need to stop buying ikea furniture
|
|
882
|
+
i cant believe i had to convince you to not drink butter
|
|
883
|
+
her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle
|
|
884
|
+
i think shes ok with it
|
|
885
|
+
thank you as well
|
|
886
|
+
my penis is starting a slow-clap right now
|
|
887
|
+
i have to keep checking shes breathing
|
|
888
|
+
this is why we dont drink on sundays
|
|
889
|
+
he panicked you ducked and i was coming off a 3 day coke binge
|
|
890
|
+
it was no ones shining moment
|
|
891
|
+
you walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
|
|
892
|
+
he just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal
|
|
893
|
+
you dont do that
|
|
894
|
+
i shouldnt have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
|
|
895
|
+
aaaaand that would be the most of my hand ive ever fit into a vagina before
|
|
896
|
+
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom
|
|
897
|
+
i dont remember taking it there but i remember brushing his hair with it
|
|
898
|
+
i am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell
|
|
899
|
+
what has my life become
|
|
900
|
+
the guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked
|
|
901
|
+
bless you vegas
|
|
902
|
+
his blow is so strong i threw up
|
|
903
|
+
buy it
|
|
904
|
+
im in nursing school i know what im talking about
|
|
905
|
+
i had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
|
|
906
|
+
i have to overdose on valtrex i had a rough weekend
|
|
907
|
+
do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me
|
|
908
|
+
no that means he mustve used the nipple clamps
|
|
909
|
+
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
|
|
910
|
+
i smell like captain morgan and tears
|
|
911
|
+
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit
|
|
912
|
+
dude im passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet
|
|
913
|
+
let me know when the rooms opened back up
|
|
914
|
+
do you recall us playing flip cup on your head
|
|
915
|
+
when you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door then you will understand my pain
|
|
916
|
+
i feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights
|
|
917
|
+
your oragel will numb anything theory was the worst thing i ever believed in
|
|
918
|
+
divorce is final
|
|
919
|
+
doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon
|
|
920
|
+
he had a curved dick
|
|
921
|
+
must be a european thing
|
|
922
|
+
i should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame i feel
|
|
923
|
+
if your wondering where your blanket is i put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night
|
|
924
|
+
their still sleeping outside on the trampoline
|
|
925
|
+
you screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack
|
|
926
|
+
youre like the boyfriend of my dreams
|
|
927
|
+
theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds im impressed
|
|
928
|
+
no not at all
|
|
929
|
+
pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is nothing like finding $10 in your winter coat
|
|
930
|
+
stop trying to make me feel better
|
|
931
|
+
if you ever get the opportunity make fun of how small his dick is for me
|
|
932
|
+
the waitress bought us a round
|
|
933
|
+
she said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row it was us
|
|
934
|
+
hes got a southern drawl and a lisp
|
|
935
|
+
im getting mindfucked right now
|
|
936
|
+
and i highly doubt it could be awkward
|
|
937
|
+
you do remember our introduction was a direct result of you mentioning your affinity for my genitals right
|
|
938
|
+
at this point i really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina
|
|
939
|
+
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms
|
|
940
|
+
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse
|
|
941
|
+
i really need to raise my standards
|
|
942
|
+
was i shouting at a fire engine last friday
|
|
943
|
+
we are not buying weed off a guy from the internet
|
|
944
|
+
there is a 15 subwoofer mounted inside our fridge
|
|
945
|
+
ive never been more proud of myself
|
|
946
|
+
check facebook
|
|
947
|
+
random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at dennys while eating a sampler platter
|
|
948
|
+
how does he have our names and 2
|
|
949
|
+
you said we ate at tbell
|
|
950
|
+
you basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
|
|
951
|
+
shes lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka belting shakira
|
|
952
|
+
plz advise
|
|
953
|
+
i ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
|
|
954
|
+
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself
|
|
955
|
+
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
|
|
956
|
+
i had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
|
|
957
|
+
on the bright side i still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high
|
|
958
|
+
just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
|
|
959
|
+
its like hes trying to get head in every car except his
|
|
960
|
+
youre not a real person
|
|
961
|
+
youre actually just like a box of wine that can talk
|
|
962
|
+
had dinner with my ex husband
|
|
963
|
+
the box of wine is gone and im laying on the floor in my wedding dress
|
|
964
|
+
where are you
|
|
965
|
+
i am sitting on the couch eating a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon
|
|
966
|
+
woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv
|
|
967
|
+
evidently it was videotaped
|
|
968
|
+
i dont think a sorry ive slept with most of your teammates text will do much
|
|
969
|
+
ya shes here
|
|
970
|
+
it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
|
|
971
|
+
we lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer
|
|
972
|
+
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if i was in a ditch or not
|
|
973
|
+
taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing ive ever done
|
|
974
|
+
its a guy he gets weed for
|
|
975
|
+
im kinda confused as to why there are going to even be tuxedos involved at all
|
|
976
|
+
im doing this for my boobs
|
|
977
|
+
they miss him
|
|
978
|
+
your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection sorry
|
|
979
|
+
the a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door
|
|
980
|
+
goodbye deposit
|
|
981
|
+
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if youre hungry
|
|
982
|
+
now that youre back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire
|
|
983
|
+
4 to the list in one week
|
|
984
|
+
slutsville isnt as fun as the brochure promised
|
|
985
|
+
i need a pic of your cock for our cock collage
|
|
986
|
+
i will probably be peed on at some point today
|
|
987
|
+
found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket
|
|
988
|
+
call if you wish to claim the coupon
|
|
989
|
+
there are too many people on this bus for it to be even remotely okay that im wearing a puke covered sweater
|
|
990
|
+
he just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless
|
|
991
|
+
ok maybe i dont want to know what happened last night
|
|
992
|
+
but somehow i guess i moved the oven
|
|
993
|
+
she just looked down there and said i breed horses
|
|
994
|
+
this is better than anything ive ever seen
|
|
995
|
+
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed
|
|
996
|
+
its like his penis is gods way of saying sorry about his face
|
|
997
|
+
i have a music final in an hour so i put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist beer included
|
|
998
|
+
my mom said that if she can come this weekend shell buy the weed
|
|
999
|
+
i am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench
|
|
1000
|
+
i know i said i wouldnt but he told me i looked like mila kunis
|
|
1001
|
+
reasons not to fuck him go
|
|
1002
|
+
my god
|
|
1003
|
+
well be gay porn millionaires
|
|
1004
|
+
it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
|
|
1005
|
+
considering how often you blow himhigh
|
|
1006
|
+
he pocket texted me while i was blowing him in the car
|
|
1007
|
+
what are the odds
|
|
1008
|
+
he kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me
|
|
1009
|
+
he kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me
|
|
1010
|
+
well im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
|
|
1011
|
+
its like my ice maker knows when i wanna get drunk
|
|
1012
|
+
i lost count after the 4th body shot but i think im wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes
|
|
1013
|
+
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now
|
|
1014
|
+
in case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever
|
|
1015
|
+
i feel like im oding on adorable right now
|
|
1016
|
+
dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom
|
|
1017
|
+
sitting around watching womens ncaa basketball instead of going out
|
|
1018
|
+
so southern
|
|
1019
|
+
then he wanted a handjob in the car
|
|
1020
|
+
while my cousin was driving
|
|
1021
|
+
to krispy kreme
|
|
1022
|
+
and there was someone else in the backseat
|
|
1023
|
+
for once the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex
|
|
1024
|
+
we found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed
|
|
1025
|
+
ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out im going to jail soon
|
|
1026
|
+
i mean once you get beat with a dildo you cant look at someone the same
|
|
1027
|
+
she was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster
|
|
1028
|
+
i was horrified
|
|
1029
|
+
he sent a pic i sent one back
|
|
1030
|
+
then nothing
|
|
1031
|
+
its like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship
|
|
1032
|
+
no she passed out instead
|
|
1033
|
+
i have the worst luck its like jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
|
|
1034
|
+
i know she was blacked out but she looked directly at the toilet and said we meet again
|
|
1035
|
+
can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide
|
|
1036
|
+
i want to hold her baby but im afraid ill give it a contact buzz
|
|
1037
|
+
we had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water
|
|
1038
|
+
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
|
|
1039
|
+
he broke up with her mid blow job and somehow convinced her to finish
|
|
1040
|
+
i want his life
|
|
1041
|
+
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor
|
|
1042
|
+
before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister
|
|
1043
|
+
i agreed
|
|
1044
|
+
thank god i did vegas bombs with those cops at their christmas party
|
|
1045
|
+
we should so be in jail
|
|
1046
|
+
the great thing about skinny blondes is that theyre all interchangeable
|
|
1047
|
+
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him
|
|
1048
|
+
its not working
|
|
1049
|
+
hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell
|
|
1050
|
+
i have no words
|
|
1051
|
+
she greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob
|
|
1052
|
+
this is true love
|
|
1053
|
+
come outside
|
|
1054
|
+
the vendor wants to go out strong tonight russian hooker interviews
|
|
1055
|
+
dont ask
|
|
1056
|
+
we leave in 3 minutes
|
|
1057
|
+
then i realized i was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself
|
|
1058
|
+
i woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment
|
|
1059
|
+
its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling never agaaaain thru the walls
|
|
1060
|
+
currently flirting with a 57 year old
|
|
1061
|
+
why do i do this
|
|
1062
|
+
did i crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room
|
|
1063
|
+
i guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that thirsty thursday has started
|
|
1064
|
+
unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth and he just sat there screaming
|
|
1065
|
+
i feel like my teeth are sweating
|
|
1066
|
+
well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no im not that kind of guy
|
|
1067
|
+
this whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
|
|
1068
|
+
lost another pound
|
|
1069
|
+
switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good
|
|
1070
|
+
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics
|
|
1071
|
+
90% sure they were sober
|
|
1072
|
+
in all seriousness
|
|
1073
|
+
vodka almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian
|
|
1074
|
+
depending on hangover severity
|
|
1075
|
+
the fact that i can spell severity is in your favor
|
|
1076
|
+
drunk walkin through police station
|
|
1077
|
+
you were doing karaoke
|
|
1078
|
+
then you screamed shoutout to adam lambert and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you
|
|
1079
|
+
oh and thanks to you
|
|
1080
|
+
im now stuck in the living room held hostage listening to my roommates how i discovered i was bi story
|
|
1081
|
+
fuck you
|
|
1082
|
+
im not entirely sure that not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark really classifies as doing better
|
|
1083
|
+
lets watch the sunrise turned into lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning
|
|
1084
|
+
the doctor asked me what height i fell from to hurt my back
|
|
1085
|
+
i answered keg height
|
|
1086
|
+
i really dont think you should have baptized your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it
|
|
1087
|
+
going home with an argentinian named sulvio
|
|
1088
|
+
ill let you know how it goes
|
|
1089
|
+
we woke up under the ping pong table holding hands
|
|
1090
|
+
remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting molly at the stripclub
|
|
1091
|
+
that was a defining moment in our friendship
|
|
1092
|
+
when i sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face you texted me back with iwehre n qyull
|
|
1093
|
+
she wouldnt play beer pong with me unless i took off the rollerskates
|
|
1094
|
+
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
|
|
1095
|
+
i woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag
|
|
1096
|
+
idk what you mightve done
|
|
1097
|
+
he walked into my room in the middle of the night whispered something about the patriot act and took my tv
|
|
1098
|
+
only thing i know is apparently i danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
|
|
1099
|
+
my first sex dream i blew myself
|
|
1100
|
+
yours definitely wins
|
|
1101
|
+
i was batman and i saved her
|
|
1102
|
+
then we had sex on a rooftop
|
|
1103
|
+
there are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield
|
|
1104
|
+
do you know anything about this
|
|
1105
|
+
ill just tell him i slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
|
|
1106
|
+
you inspire me to be a worse person
|
|
1107
|
+
apperanlty i was screaming its hard to swim with a broken ankle sir and then tackled the lifeguard
|
|
1108
|
+
the joys of blackouts
|
|
1109
|
+
they told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce
|
|
1110
|
+
is this true
|
|
1111
|
+
he tried to eat me out in the bath
|
|
1112
|
+
i said it was a bad idea but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca
|
|
1113
|
+
there is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
|
|
1114
|
+
riding on an electric horse at the grocery store
|
|
1115
|
+
dunno how that conversation went but i hope you picked up a 12 pack
|
|
1116
|
+
so im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow
|
|
1117
|
+
if i die tell my family im awesome
|
|
1118
|
+
i just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket
|
|
1119
|
+
i ended up with a bullet proof vest and i still dont know his last name
|
|
1120
|
+
she came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half
|
|
1121
|
+
worst weekend ever
|
|
1122
|
+
i tried
|
|
1123
|
+
now my legs are bleeding and i cracked my head on the coffee table
|
|
1124
|
+
never taking your advice again
|
|
1125
|
+
she came back in her actual cheerleader uniform
|
|
1126
|
+
made a bad bj tolerable
|
|
1127
|
+
i have a plus one for the blackout express should i pen in your name
|
|
1128
|
+
there are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos
|
|
1129
|
+
i win
|
|
1130
|
+
i cant believe i paid your booty call for a ride home in cake
|
|
1131
|
+
you know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-olds birthday party right
|
|
1132
|
+
as i lay in bed clutching my face im starting to believe your dick in my eye story
|
|
1133
|
+
please tell me this is my four loko that i just woke up in
|
|
1134
|
+
i pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag
|
|
1135
|
+
idk where im gonna end up tonight but im prepared
|
|
1136
|
+
things we need
|
|
1137
|
+
water in fridge
|
|
1138
|
+
mixers for vodka
|
|
1139
|
+
and reality checks
|
|
1140
|
+
malibu coconut giveth and malibu coconut taketh away
|
|
1141
|
+
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
|
|
1142
|
+
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat
|
|
1143
|
+
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days
|
|
1144
|
+
hey couldnt find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
|
|
1145
|
+
did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub
|
|
1146
|
+
hahaha i forgot about doing shots out of the bell pepper
|
|
1147
|
+
me neither
|
|
1148
|
+
i remember bell pepper tequila but not why or yelling
|
|
1149
|
+
you thought last year was bad
|
|
1150
|
+
a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
|
|
1151
|
+
i just dropped off shoes at mikes hotel
|
|
1152
|
+
the chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes
|
|
1153
|
+
you realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right
|
|
1154
|
+
so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop
|
|
1155
|
+
i like her style
|
|
1156
|
+
i remember you telling me to take a shower brush my teeth go get back in bed w her and just do what i was born to do
|
|
1157
|
+
and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that
|
|
1158
|
+
you saved my birthday
|
|
1159
|
+
why is the word best written on my chest
|
|
1160
|
+
she had that i just got used look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
|
|
1161
|
+
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music
|
|
1162
|
+
yes perhaps we are both wrong
|
|
1163
|
+
and did you call me bj girl
|
|
1164
|
+
my ta just came over to give us drugs
|
|
1165
|
+
now hes drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her
|
|
1166
|
+
this is too much
|
|
1167
|
+
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bfs beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
|
|
1168
|
+
i was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back
|
|
1169
|
+
so i ripped a $20 dollar bill in half
|
|
1170
|
+
oh my god
|
|
1171
|
+
im sorry if i peed on you last nite
|
|
1172
|
+
i am truly disgusting
|
|
1173
|
+
ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast
|
|
1174
|
+
need to know if i need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila
|
|
1175
|
+
just invented taco cereal
|
|
1176
|
+
everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
|
|
1177
|
+
you were offering to spell peoples name for a dollar
|
|
1178
|
+
sorry if i put you in that glad were hanging out but im gonna go fuck your cousin kind of position
|
|
1179
|
+
just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40s
|
|
1180
|
+
it was the bouncers idea
|
|
1181
|
+
you were yelling in my ear lets double team her with her right next to us
|
|
1182
|
+
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from
|
|
1183
|
+
let me start this apology by saying im sorry that i bit your penis
|
|
1184
|
+
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy
|
|
1185
|
+
were gonna open a petting zoo
|
|
1186
|
+
he tied my whole arm in its cast to the headboard first
|
|
1187
|
+
he mumbled something about safe sane and consensual
|
|
1188
|
+
i found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night
|
|
1189
|
+
call me when you wake up
|
|
1190
|
+
i wanna start drinking but im giving up hope on my life if i drink alone before 10 am
|
|
1191
|
+
im having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad
|
|
1192
|
+
he just told me hes been drinking vodka at work all day
|
|
1193
|
+
im starting to believe in soul mates
|
|
1194
|
+
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone
|
|
1195
|
+
jenny was looking for something soft to drink since its only noon she chose spiced rum
|
|
1196
|
+
think she might die today
|
|
1197
|
+
you fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
|
|
1198
|
+
so it looks like you may be an uncle real soon
|
|
1199
|
+
dont ask how i feel about it and dont text me back
|
|
1200
|
+
i strongly considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because id just changed my sheets that morning
|
|
1201
|
+
on my way
|
|
1202
|
+
they just started filling water ballons with vodka
|
|
1203
|
+
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left
|
|
1204
|
+
omg so drunk
|
|
1205
|
+
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me
|
|
1206
|
+
the fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
|
|
1207
|
+
im almost positive that in mid thrust she told me she was pro choice
|
|
1208
|
+
we decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer
|
|
1209
|
+
people just started losing on purpose
|
|
1210
|
+
it was a bad idea
|
|
1211
|
+
i did shrooms last night
|
|
1212
|
+
my drug checklist is complete i can finally graduate
|
|
1213
|
+
this is part your fault too
|
|
1214
|
+
dont tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong
|
|
1215
|
+
whatevss it will be funn
|
|
1216
|
+
hopefully no one projectile vomits on the wall again
|
|
1217
|
+
its kinda become a tradition though
|
|
1218
|
+
the fact that he is from canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match
|
|
1219
|
+
my pizza lunchables wont fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol
|
|
1220
|
+
one of our addictions has to give
|
|
1221
|
+
i watched you ride a mechanical penis
|
|
1222
|
+
nothing is awkward between us anymore
|
|
1223
|
+
she just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the above the influence banner like a toga
|
|
1224
|
+
walked in on my boss having phone sex at work
|
|
1225
|
+
and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
|
|
1226
|
+
at beerfest hammered going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
|
|
1227
|
+
the kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
|
|
1228
|
+
should i tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while i was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much
|
|
1229
|
+
u asked everyone for their hoodies so u could safely hug the cactus
|
|
1230
|
+
all i remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
|
|
1231
|
+
i should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed
|
|
1232
|
+
think hed get the hint
|
|
1233
|
+
she told me she eats fruit when shes hungover because it has more water than water
|
|
1234
|
+
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend
|
|
1235
|
+
she couldve warned me his penis was curved
|
|
1236
|
+
i swear about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him
|
|
1237
|
+
im going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats
|
|
1238
|
+
hes currently rapping every word to more money more problems at what could be a over 30s gay bar
|
|
1239
|
+
im not sure yet
|
|
1240
|
+
more info to come
|
|
1241
|
+
every facebook tagged picture of yours you are either drinking swimming or drunk in water
|
|
1242
|
+
there is a guy stoned out of his mind only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library
|
|
1243
|
+
he has the hands of the vagina gods
|
|
1244
|
+
im in search of the perfect penis it would be unethical for me not to test run them
|
|
1245
|
+
so i do have strep
|
|
1246
|
+
my apologies to the british guy from this weekend
|
|
1247
|
+
you now have one more reason to hate america
|
|
1248
|
+
i have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks
|
|
1249
|
+
i am so hungry right now
|
|
1250
|
+
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me
|
|
1251
|
+
he told me i just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs
|
|
1252
|
+
sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
|
|
1253
|
+
is there any chance i can see you without pouring vodka on your head
|
|
1254
|
+
she was kind of put off because i kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts
|
|
1255
|
+
i basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
|
|
1256
|
+
just when i thought i had forgotten how badthe sex was he comes across campus solely to say hi
|
|
1257
|
+
your lack of a response has proven youve clearly forgotten how crazy i am
|
|
1258
|
+
hes tryingto open a beer with a police baton
|
|
1259
|
+
cut him off or see where this leads
|
|
1260
|
+
these old men are woofing at me
|
|
1261
|
+
please hurry
|
|
1262
|
+
side note we are 25 fighting over our sophmore year ras drunk facebook attention
|
|
1263
|
+
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today
|
|
1264
|
+
my birthday just keeps popping up
|
|
1265
|
+
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night
|
|
1266
|
+
you drunk invited us to do an intervention for you
|
|
1267
|
+
something strange is happening to me i think i miss hooking up with girls sober
|
|
1268
|
+
sometimes when i see a shoe on the side of the road i get a little depressed that ive never partied that hard
|
|
1269
|
+
woke up in a kilt
|
|
1270
|
+
and its not my kilt
|
|
1271
|
+
drinking was a success
|
|
1272
|
+
sometimes he has weird facial hair
|
|
1273
|
+
basically he has a penis
|
|
1274
|
+
thats what hes got going for him
|
|
1275
|
+
numbies before the dentist such a good idea
|
|
1276
|
+
you peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter
|
|
1277
|
+
not cool
|
|
1278
|
+
lesson learned
|
|
1279
|
+
whipped cream will eat through a condom
|
|
1280
|
+
sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late
|
|
1281
|
+
the swelling on my elbow and tongue means i may have cockblocked myself
|
|
1282
|
+
her grandmother had a handicap stair lift
|
|
1283
|
+
i just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up
|
|
1284
|
+
thank god for broken hips
|
|
1285
|
+
seriously in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar youre going to with your prof
|
|
1286
|
+
you were hugging the toilet and shouting dont let fatty eat me through the closed door
|
|
1287
|
+
ask if he wants his tooth back
|
|
1288
|
+
its in the freezer
|
|
1289
|
+
in the box of hotpockets
|
|
1290
|
+
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didnt want his groceries bagged
|
|
1291
|
+
guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills
|
|
1292
|
+
im going to befriend him and see where this goes
|
|
1293
|
+
any day you dont mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day
|
|
1294
|
+
dipping doritos in grey poupon
|
|
1295
|
+
why does no one treat me like the lady i am
|
|
1296
|
+
wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns
|
|
1297
|
+
drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school
|
|
1298
|
+
somehow not surprised
|
|
1299
|
+
i was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet
|
|
1300
|
+
pretty sure i have 3rd degree burns on my clit
|
|
1301
|
+
weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a wednesday
|
|
1302
|
+
the interviewer had a hook for his right hand i tried to shake his hook what is wrong with me
|
|
1303
|
+
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air
|
|
1304
|
+
yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation
|
|
1305
|
+
i should start riding the bus again so i can drink all day
|
|
1306
|
+
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship
|
|
1307
|
+
by breaking into his house
|
|
1308
|
+
its a special occasion
|
|
1309
|
+
hence the 151
|
|
1310
|
+
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills
|
|
1311
|
+
do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl
|
|
1312
|
+
you planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of cuervo
|
|
1313
|
+
you promised me fire jugglers
|
|
1314
|
+
and a pinata
|
|
1315
|
+
does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin
|
|
1316
|
+
im functioning at the level of a challenged walrus
|
|
1317
|
+
dans le librearie ivetre
|
|
1318
|
+
pissing in la rieve gfox
|
|
1319
|
+
jer zsyuis diu drunk but it felt amazunbg
|
|
1320
|
+
can we get together and have a vodka water gun fight i need to get som intense excersise/alcohol
|
|
1321
|
+
my neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants this is a whole new level of unemployed
|
|
1322
|
+
home safe
|
|
1323
|
+
psyche shattered
|
|
1324
|
+
still rolling
|
|
1325
|
+
in love with the morrocan rug in the living room
|
|
1326
|
+
i think ive reached that age where i should start dating congrats and not are you keeping it
|
|
1327
|
+
you know i could pretend im shocked but whats the use
|
|
1328
|
+
so i cleaned out my gym bag
|
|
1329
|
+
found half a bottle of malibu
|
|
1330
|
+
two questions: what are you doing right now and do you know how to drive a golf cart
|
|
1331
|
+
i had to carry you down because your legs werent moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room
|
|
1332
|
+
and thats where the bruises came from
|
|
1333
|
+
before i left he asked me if i could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier
|
|
1334
|
+
i said yes
|
|
1335
|
+
also id like to add that that im not quitting my job my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning
|
|
1336
|
+
my six pack is really starting to show since i started fucking everything that moves
|
|
1337
|
+
i got taped to a couch last night apparently
|
|
1338
|
+
i also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
|
|
1339
|
+
i have your dog in a headlock
|
|
1340
|
+
se wants my mushrooms
|
|
1341
|
+
i didnt budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water
|
|
1342
|
+
we are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes
|
|
1343
|
+
i know fwb rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is
|
|
1344
|
+
i am not getting arrested in a wig
|
|
1345
|
+
the night was going well until i found tufts of my hair in the freezer
|
|
1346
|
+
then i got nervous
|
|
1347
|
+
remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill using a condom and have had our partners tested first we were so optimistic
|
|
1348
|
+
they wont leyt me in and i really need some fruit
|
|
1349
|
+
we broke the shower door
|
|
1350
|
+
completely off
|
|
1351
|
+
his roommates were not happy but i sure was
|
|
1352
|
+
it was like good clean fun but with bodyshots
|
|
1353
|
+
you did a strip tease for the toilet
|
|
1354
|
+
i didnt realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
|
|
1355
|
+
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food
|
|
1356
|
+
thatd be rude
|
|
1357
|
+
were past the whole did she just try to finger my ass stage
|
|
1358
|
+
now its encouraged
|
|
1359
|
+
on an unrelated note: im also a big advocate of the never waste a boner theory
|
|
1360
|
+
i dont care how hungover you are go back to the frat house and get him
|
|
1361
|
+
he is 11
|
|
1362
|
+
you described his penis as a portable fishing pole
|
|
1363
|
+
booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 am thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days
|
|
1364
|
+
please try again
|
|
1365
|
+
my dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak
|
|
1366
|
+
just remembered getting lost in a shortcut through yards and gpsing my way home last night
|
|
1367
|
+
my heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina hes not worth it
|
|
1368
|
+
weve started doing pot butter shots
|
|
1369
|
+
why arent u here
|
|
1370
|
+
the security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and saidits okay i have a beard
|
|
1371
|
+
i apparently spent $173 at the bar last night
|
|
1372
|
+
the proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt i tried to clean it up with
|
|
1373
|
+
watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating
|
|
1374
|
+
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk
|
|
1375
|
+
it was by the advil
|
|
1376
|
+
i am a cocky bitch
|
|
1377
|
+
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots
|
|
1378
|
+
this is a new level of alcoholism
|
|
1379
|
+
second night spent with creepy guy
|
|
1380
|
+
i either need to change his nickname or stop doing this
|
|
1381
|
+
theyre taking me to er
|
|
1382
|
+
come get me
|
|
1383
|
+
story update
|
|
1384
|
+
im locked out of my house
|
|
1385
|
+
walk of shame advisory extended
|
|
1386
|
+
i just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet
|
|
1387
|
+
i no longer believe i have a problem and am afraid i am underdressed
|
|
1388
|
+
i should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously
|
|
1389
|
+
hung over
|
|
1390
|
+
bed full of legos for some reason
|
|
1391
|
+
not getting up
|
|
1392
|
+
come build stuff with me
|
|
1393
|
+
thursday nights need to stop happening to me
|
|
1394
|
+
at least i know she didnt hear me crawl to my room
|
|
1395
|
+
or did i walk on my hands fuck if i know
|
|
1396
|
+
my right arm is handcuffed to my leg
|
|
1397
|
+
please help
|
|
1398
|
+
but im paying and its not a date cause hes got a gf and im hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
|
|
1399
|
+
they call him oral-b
|
|
1400
|
+
enough said
|
|
1401
|
+
3 things
|
|
1402
|
+
is this real life 2
|
|
1403
|
+
my liver hates me 3
|
|
1404
|
+
keg race tonight
|
|
1405
|
+
we made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment
|
|
1406
|
+
he wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that i was pretty but more importantly that he practices in sober activities
|
|
1407
|
+
after he called me a spirited little girl i realized that i need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me
|
|
1408
|
+
fat girl left in a hurry
|
|
1409
|
+
possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment
|
|
1410
|
+
we have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since tuesday
|
|
1411
|
+
send help and some more liquor
|
|
1412
|
+
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
|
|
1413
|
+
pretty sure even her dog was surprised when i got that blow job
|
|
1414
|
+
we had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed
|
|
1415
|
+
you tried to call time out during the sobriety test
|
|
1416
|
+
i woke up wearing her shoes
|
|
1417
|
+
this night isnt going on my highlight reel
|
|
1418
|
+
oh god all i remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all i have to show for it is fit romanian guy saved in my phone
|
|
1419
|
+
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
|
|
1420
|
+
i just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can
|
|
1421
|
+
i woke up with like grass burns all over my body im pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus
|
|
1422
|
+
but im not sure
|
|
1423
|
+
her exstacy made her nickname everyone david
|
|
1424
|
+
nobody knows who the fuck shes talking to so we just say no to everything she says
|
|
1425
|
+
shes crying
|
|
1426
|
+
i cant leave
|
|
1427
|
+
she doesnt trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision
|
|
1428
|
+
i realized im gonna have to fit cheating on my gf sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one sunday evening
|
|
1429
|
+
i dont have any swimsuits that dont show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips
|
|
1430
|
+
do you have a onepiece i can borrow
|
|
1431
|
+
slut bingo starts in ten minutes
|
|
1432
|
+
what is the appropriate way to inform him that i am totally down for break up sex
|
|
1433
|
+
she only remembers me when shes drunk
|
|
1434
|
+
its like im a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol
|
|
1435
|
+
managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window in front of no less than a dozen people
|
|
1436
|
+
nobody saw/said anything
|
|
1437
|
+
i feel like a legit local now
|
|
1438
|
+
he kept moaning america instead of erica while fucking me
|
|
1439
|
+
he was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
|
|
1440
|
+
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
|
|
1441
|
+
they got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment
|
|
1442
|
+
i do not want to do anything
|
|
1443
|
+
the words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
|
|
1444
|
+
i am seriously considering thanking macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments
|
|
1445
|
+
fact: the parking lot attendant was yelling no sex here no sex at yall
|
|
1446
|
+
there is the sexiest bearded man here
|
|
1447
|
+
i came everywhere
|
|
1448
|
+
when it gets to the point that im more comfortable being naked at his house than my own its time to readdress the fuckbuddyship
|
|
1449
|
+
btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight
|
|
1450
|
+
i have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if i realized im bleeding from both ears
|
|
1451
|
+
this is awkward
|
|
1452
|
+
i keep reminding myself that my vagina isnt a homeless shelter
|
|
1453
|
+
put cigar in mouth backwards
|
|
1454
|
+
plz remind to check for scar in morning cant feel it now
|
|
1455
|
+
screwdrivers are like morphine
|
|
1456
|
+
the guy i wanted to make out with just got beat up lets roll
|
|
1457
|
+
does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when shes high
|
|
1458
|
+
he ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand
|
|
1459
|
+
im upset i didnt take those shrooms
|
|
1460
|
+
chasing tequila with honey
|
|
1461
|
+
ill let you know how it turns out
|
|
1462
|
+
say something like you want him to fuck you behind a mcdonalds
|
|
1463
|
+
guys secretly love weird shit like that
|
|
1464
|
+
buying new sheets for when my mom visits
|
|
1465
|
+
i cant in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
|
|
1466
|
+
semen is not a meal
|
|
1467
|
+
we already have meals planned for the weekend
|
|
1468
|
+
i know
|
|
1469
|
+
i almost started crying
|
|
1470
|
+
in what universe is that a turn on
|
|
1471
|
+
i just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now
|
|
1472
|
+
she said we should all be mermaids since didnt breathe for 9 months inside our mothers
|
|
1473
|
+
i want her logic
|
|
1474
|
+
i always figured rock bottom wouldve involved more hookers
|
|
1475
|
+
he wont stop licking me
|
|
1476
|
+
im choosing your date next time
|
|
1477
|
+
im drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children
|
|
1478
|
+
i couldnt be happier
|
|
1479
|
+
she answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club
|
|
1480
|
+
i was too late for this party
|
|
1481
|
+
im really going to miss that car so many blow jobs
|
|
1482
|
+
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds
|
|
1483
|
+
he snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine
|
|
1484
|
+
i think im in love
|
|
1485
|
+
my cab driver just texted me goodnight beautiful
|
|
1486
|
+
i think my desperate for a guy phase has just moved into a fuck my life phase
|
|
1487
|
+
omg considering i am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news i have ever heard
|
|
1488
|
+
this is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
|
|
1489
|
+
just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
|
|
1490
|
+
it wasnt random sex though it was almost a relationship built on lies and sex
|
|
1491
|
+
not enough clothes on
|
|
1492
|
+
not enough vagina
|
|
1493
|
+
not enough drugs in my body
|
|
1494
|
+
fuckkkk i made out with a freshman
|
|
1495
|
+
but hes old for his age
|
|
1496
|
+
this is what happens when youre not around
|
|
1497
|
+
you drank everything last night
|
|
1498
|
+
it was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
|
|
1499
|
+
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
|
|
1500
|
+
you left your underwear on the fireplace
|
|
1501
|
+
when i was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel i found in the trashcan i realized that this might be the reason i have a yeast infection
|
|
1502
|
+
had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer
|
|
1503
|
+
can you say success
|
|
1504
|
+
wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong
|
|
1505
|
+
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
|
|
1506
|
+
apparently preggers as fuck isnt an appropriate way to describe someone
|
|
1507
|
+
shes walking around topless with a bottle of red wine crying and singing showtune ballads
|
|
1508
|
+
this is actually an improvement
|
|
1509
|
+
your philanthropic work just got me laid thanks dad for naming me #2
|
|
1510
|
+
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs
|
|
1511
|
+
didnt spill a drop
|
|
1512
|
+
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
|
|
1513
|
+
just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring
|
|
1514
|
+
lat night just came rushing back
|
|
1515
|
+
he quoted the bible to break up with me
|
|
1516
|
+
quite frankly i consider the fact that im not pregnant one of my greatest achievements and id like to chronicle that ongoing success
|
|
1517
|
+
im going to post pictures of me at 0 weeks once a week
|
|
1518
|
+
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because his eyebrows told a story
|
|
1519
|
+
the fact that i pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me
|
|
1520
|
+
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
|
|
1521
|
+
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
|
|
1522
|
+
the 9th floor ra wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower and i cant remember
|
|
1523
|
+
do you
|
|
1524
|
+
woke up in my own bed with a new years eve 2011 bar bracelet on
|
|
1525
|
+
both of these things confuse me
|
|
1526
|
+
i never want to hear the words my therapist says
|
|
1527
|
+
while naked again
|
|
1528
|
+
i never want to hear the words my therapist says
|
|
1529
|
+
while naked again
|
|
1530
|
+
everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots but i do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
|
|
1531
|
+
thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls
|
|
1532
|
+
love and miss you too
|
|
1533
|
+
its now 3:30 and the guy i went home with is showering me with shredded cheese
|
|
1534
|
+
its like im in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis
|
|
1535
|
+
i am both scared and jealous
|
|
1536
|
+
drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning
|
|
1537
|
+
we should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption
|
|
1538
|
+
apparently i was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night
|
|
1539
|
+
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week
|
|
1540
|
+
you in
|
|
1541
|
+
ill be honest with you my dick was out at that point in time
|
|
1542
|
+
he fell off the roof
|
|
1543
|
+
he clearly has not been preparing for summer
|
|
1544
|
+
i cant believe all the places i got into shoeless last night
|
|
1545
|
+
apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
|
|
1546
|
+
i dont think child baring hips is a compliment
|
|
1547
|
+
one fish gets drugged and suddenly im labeled a bad pet owner
|
|
1548
|
+
this is so unfair
|
|
1549
|
+
no we have matured
|
|
1550
|
+
weve stopped having sex in front if his room mate
|
|
1551
|
+
its all coming back to me in waves
|
|
1552
|
+
waves of humiliation and nausea
|
|
1553
|
+
now hes galloping around the bar
|
|
1554
|
+
i dont know whether to laugh or cry
|
|
1555
|
+
if you fuck her im going to call you and i want you to cough 2 times
|
|
1556
|
+
you are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
|
|
1557
|
+
i held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour
|
|
1558
|
+
i feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day
|
|
1559
|
+
also the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my manhattans
|
|
1560
|
+
not sure if it was an oversight or a hint
|
|
1561
|
+
we made out for three hours
|
|
1562
|
+
then she said she didnt sleep with redheads and left the party
|
|
1563
|
+
so yes im still drinking
|
|
1564
|
+
he said he wouldnt use a condom because he didnt want to kill anymore trees
|
|
1565
|
+
some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out
|
|
1566
|
+
health code violation
|
|
1567
|
+
his concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls
|
|
1568
|
+
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
|
|
1569
|
+
tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake
|
|
1570
|
+
felt bad for not giving her a tip
|
|
1571
|
+
protocol on turning down a date from someone in the house of representatives
|
|
1572
|
+
he said my labia gave my vagina a cute personality
|
|
1573
|
+
the cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession
|
|
1574
|
+
you kept yelling this bitch stole my phone to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
|
|
1575
|
+
the bouncer watched the girl drop her id saw me pick it up and say omg she looks like me and then let me use it to get into the bar
|
|
1576
|
+
the really sad thing is that i actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
|
|
1577
|
+
when did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony after beer 5 or shot 7
|
|
1578
|
+
walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in
|
|
1579
|
+
six guys called out your name when i walked past
|
|
1580
|
+
ive never been more proud of us
|
|
1581
|
+
fuck you
|
|
1582
|
+
you would only tell me how to get to your house in spanish
|
|
1583
|
+
thanks for leaving the note with the doctors recommendations for my lip they are dissolvable stitches right
|
|
1584
|
+
im writing my will in case i die this week itll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
|
|
1585
|
+
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
|
|
1586
|
+
i found out you cant leave the bar with a drink
|
|
1587
|
+
i also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable
|
|
1588
|
+
im really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles
|
|
1589
|
+
he turned me down because he was still doing his taxes
|
|
1590
|
+
hmd did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick
|
|
1591
|
+
someone in a vagina costume on campus
|
|
1592
|
+
thats yours
|
|
1593
|
+
we cut you off
|
|
1594
|
+
found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet
|
|
1595
|
+
did we cut someone off
|
|
1596
|
+
spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push
|
|
1597
|
+
i cant believe we had 50th anniversary of man in space sex
|
|
1598
|
+
its 6am and im sitting on the couch watching clifford
|
|
1599
|
+
crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy
|
|
1600
|
+
never drinking alone again
|
|
1601
|
+
she set an alarm on my phone for her birthday
|
|
1602
|
+
place: her bed
|
|
1603
|
+
he waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up
|
|
1604
|
+
i remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina
|
|
1605
|
+
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday
|
|
1606
|
+
best boyfriend ever
|
|
1607
|
+
i will stop hooking up with guys exs for revenge
|
|
1608
|
+
i will stop hooking up with guys exs for revenge
|
|
1609
|
+
i will stop hooking up with guys exs for revenge
|
|
1610
|
+
how did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen
|
|
1611
|
+
chances are ill be there for your wedding
|
|
1612
|
+
camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire right
|
|
1613
|
+
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after
|
|
1614
|
+
i kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow but its blank after that
|
|
1615
|
+
im starting to blur the boundary between reasonable senioritis and self-destruction
|
|
1616
|
+
somewhat-openly hittin the flask in 11am class
|
|
1617
|
+
a verb which here means do lines off my dick
|
|
1618
|
+
he asked if i wanted to hang out
|
|
1619
|
+
grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
|
|
1620
|
+
grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
|
|
1621
|
+
you convinced us both to take shots of jack daniels through our eyes
|
|
1622
|
+
its been two weeks and i still have carpet burns on my knees
|
|
1623
|
+
well done
|
|
1624
|
+
i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night
|
|
1625
|
+
i think im going to make a pina klonopin before class
|
|
1626
|
+
you would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
|
|
1627
|
+
i was cut off by 8 i need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
|
|
1628
|
+
he kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good
|
|
1629
|
+
i think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made
|
|
1630
|
+
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse
|
|
1631
|
+
like you said
|
|
1632
|
+
buying plan b right after a lecture on feminism
|
|
1633
|
+
its nice to know who i can thank for that right
|
|
1634
|
+
guess whos eating a vending machine cheese danish has no panties on and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop
|
|
1635
|
+
is that a no
|
|
1636
|
+
you say that with such hope
|
|
1637
|
+
did everyone make it back alive
|
|
1638
|
+
sudden realization: i dumped him because he was too immature yet i am the one who moved back into my parents basement post-breakup
|
|
1639
|
+
decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work
|
|
1640
|
+
i feel ive earned a few self respect points back
|
|
1641
|
+
i expect to be treated like a lady
|
|
1642
|
+
even if your sticking it in my ass
|
|
1643
|
+
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
|
|
1644
|
+
im sure im not the first newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant
|
|
1645
|
+
you know it doesnt really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
|
|
1646
|
+
hey no judgement here
|
|
1647
|
+
this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magicians house
|
|
1648
|
+
he wont ever take me seriously if i keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends
|
|
1649
|
+
wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
|
|
1650
|
+
he somehow managed to bang-mail me last night
|
|
1651
|
+
i woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a
|
|
1652
|
+
of moaning and screaming
|
|
1653
|
+
i now know how talented he is and how annoying i am to have sex with
|
|
1654
|
+
cant a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
|
|
1655
|
+
you opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night
|
|
1656
|
+
there were so few words spoken that im not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex
|
|
1657
|
+
tried to eat a sandwich this morning
|
|
1658
|
+
my jaw is locked up
|
|
1659
|
+
these marathon blow jobs are killing me
|
|
1660
|
+
your expertise in crazy bitches is needed
|
|
1661
|
+
theyre doing a bong-a-thon for 4/20
|
|
1662
|
+
i dont care if you quit
|
|
1663
|
+
you are coming out of your weed retirement for this
|
|
1664
|
+
theyre doing a bong-a-thon for 4/20
|
|
1665
|
+
i dont care if you quit
|
|
1666
|
+
you are coming out of your weed retirement for this
|
|
1667
|
+
did the math
|
|
1668
|
+
its magna cum laude whether i get a 4
|
|
1669
|
+
0 or a 0
|
|
1670
|
+
0 this semester
|
|
1671
|
+
im blacking out now wake me up when i have to walk across the stage
|
|
1672
|
+
i came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times
|
|
1673
|
+
i should have known i was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
|
|
1674
|
+
i bought a dress specifically for face plant durability
|
|
1675
|
+
this is how serious i am about my drunk status this weekend
|
|
1676
|
+
well were gonna drink when we get home and i just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
|
|
1677
|
+
im not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake
|
|
1678
|
+
i had my first sober conversation with his roommate
|
|
1679
|
+
i remembered half way through that the first time we met i was getting fucked on his counter
|
|
1680
|
+
fine then
|
|
1681
|
+
ill just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die
|
|
1682
|
+
itll be strictly your fault
|
|
1683
|
+
he told me that my little fuckpig was a term of endearment in britain
|
|
1684
|
+
i think im in love
|
|
1685
|
+
alright i dont know how youll link it to me but yes i left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
|
|
1686
|
+
yeah he doesnt get it
|
|
1687
|
+
we had to change the subject to keanu reeves before someone got hurt
|
|
1688
|
+
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree
|
|
1689
|
+
this is the fun part of being serious
|
|
1690
|
+
one last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night
|
|
1691
|
+
i forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when i was on fire
|
|
1692
|
+
im sure ill laught about this someday
|
|
1693
|
+
he asked me to coffee and i had no choice but to be honest
|
|
1694
|
+
so naturally i told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits
|
|
1695
|
+
found my necklace
|
|
1696
|
+
it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night
|
|
1697
|
+
brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar everyone loves us
|
|
1698
|
+
you were dancing around the clubbing yelling best wingman ever and raising your cast in the air
|
|
1699
|
+
its official
|
|
1700
|
+
for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole
|
|
1701
|
+
the secrurity code on my debit card is 420 can not lose this card
|
|
1702
|
+
you were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were exfoliating
|
|
1703
|
+
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
|
|
1704
|
+
make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out
|
|
1705
|
+
it was perfect i came i passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
|
|
1706
|
+
when you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
|
|
1707
|
+
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
|
|
1708
|
+
i dont know but the stairs are covered in apples
|
|
1709
|
+
sorry for drunk singing love hurts to you at 3 am
|
|
1710
|
+
im having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard
|
|
1711
|
+
im having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard
|
|
1712
|
+
i think i pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar
|
|
1713
|
+
that or the hippo i woke up next to
|
|
1714
|
+
he doesnt need to speak english
|
|
1715
|
+
he needs to speak sex
|
|
1716
|
+
so i am just swinging blind here but i am guessing that blood in your sinus is not ideal
|
|
1717
|
+
oh my god im in a crawl space
|
|
1718
|
+
i may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where i find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard
|
|
1719
|
+
pre-gaming in the library
|
|
1720
|
+
just gonna keep going until im too drunk to keep working and then ill be there
|
|
1721
|
+
im a changed woman
|
|
1722
|
+
i have no problem using him for sex
|
|
1723
|
+
why dont we skip the roadtrip entirely save us the trip and go straight to jail
|
|
1724
|
+
all i remember was you yelling look at my little feet at everyone on the way home from the bar
|
|
1725
|
+
i am three bowls two beers and a muscle relaxer into babysitting
|
|
1726
|
+
what are you doing
|
|
1727
|
+
just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree
|
|
1728
|
+
i just dont understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in
|
|
1729
|
+
todays workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store
|
|
1730
|
+
staying in i think
|
|
1731
|
+
boyfriend has domesticated me
|
|
1732
|
+
im making eggs naked right now
|
|
1733
|
+
also really high
|
|
1734
|
+
you dipped you banana in queso last night
|
|
1735
|
+
im playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart
|
|
1736
|
+
also have 3 bright red giant buckets
|
|
1737
|
+
i sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge
|
|
1738
|
+
just got my period
|
|
1739
|
+
this just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok
|
|
1740
|
+
ate apple sauce off his penis
|
|
1741
|
+
nutritious and slutty
|
|
1742
|
+
got a personal ride from safe ride
|
|
1743
|
+
i was crying so hard
|
|
1744
|
+
the driver said think of something happy and i said disney
|
|
1745
|
+
in which i sang him aladdin
|
|
1746
|
+
so i got home ok
|
|
1747
|
+
i think i have vodka in my lungs
|
|
1748
|
+
watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner
|
|
1749
|
+
we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful
|
|
1750
|
+
thats terrible
|
|
1751
|
+
at least give it a creative name like muff mobile
|
|
1752
|
+
just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue
|
|
1753
|
+
four hours after the fact
|
|
1754
|
+
the bender continues
|
|
1755
|
+
ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices
|
|
1756
|
+
im glad theres someone out there thats just as fat at heart as we are
|
|
1757
|
+
he just found another high guy at wal-mart
|
|
1758
|
+
there now friends
|
|
1759
|
+
his friend is eating a cupcake
|
|
1760
|
+
first off get on bc solely in preperation for this event
|
|
1761
|
+
second as my little sister you have a lot of whore to live up to
|
|
1762
|
+
the last thing i remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him
|
|
1763
|
+
we havent talked since
|
|
1764
|
+
theres a bed on the roof
|
|
1765
|
+
the window behind it is too small for it to go through
|
|
1766
|
+
im impressed
|
|
1767
|
+
having a dry hump session to alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didnt kill the mood
|
|
1768
|
+
hes that good
|
|
1769
|
+
since im not going you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there
|
|
1770
|
+
after i gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me i should be a taxidermist
|
|
1771
|
+
im gonna take it as a compliment
|
|
1772
|
+
it just gets louder and louder too
|
|
1773
|
+
dear god
|
|
1774
|
+
her poor vagina
|
|
1775
|
+
you were q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear
|
|
1776
|
+
its barely 9 am & ive already had an ice cube in my vagina
|
|
1777
|
+
you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them
|
|
1778
|
+
true as that may be are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not
|
|
1779
|
+
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
|
|
1780
|
+
yeah but the first step is admitting you have a problem the next step is kidnapping him
|
|
1781
|
+
yeah i had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier
|
|
1782
|
+
the guy at the desk told me goodluck
|
|
1783
|
+
just took a shot out of a used mini planter
|
|
1784
|
+
might die from the pesticides but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won
|
|
1785
|
+
u handed him a box of flavored condoms winked and slurred grape juice is her favorite
|
|
1786
|
+
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago
|
|
1787
|
+
hit my head arm and side
|
|
1788
|
+
dont remember
|
|
1789
|
+
real talk
|
|
1790
|
+
if its any consolation your boobs looked awesome
|
|
1791
|
+
if its any consolation your boobs looked awesome
|
|
1792
|
+
we literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
|
|
1793
|
+
he passed out
|
|
1794
|
+
woke up long enough to declare himself the sauce boss and then bit me in the face
|
|
1795
|
+
because if the best sex ive ever had was with a gay guy then god help me
|
|
1796
|
+
once you started introducing yourself as running-bear i knew you were beyond fucked up
|
|
1797
|
+
also on a more serious note what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls
|
|
1798
|
+
we just bought vicodin from the chinese delivery guy this day just keeps getting better
|
|
1799
|
+
was i strangled at any point last night or was his dick just that long
|
|
1800
|
+
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didnt remember to take your shoes
|
|
1801
|
+
he pretended my clit ring was a door knocker
|
|
1802
|
+
waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what i planned when i agreed to movie night
|
|
1803
|
+
just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours
|
|
1804
|
+
i must want aids
|
|
1805
|
+
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight
|
|
1806
|
+
im sorry
|
|
1807
|
+
i know you didnt expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door
|
|
1808
|
+
we both bought three foot bongs
|
|
1809
|
+
going to race to see who can smoke a mile first
|
|
1810
|
+
just bought a mcdouble with a tightly rolled dollar
|
|
1811
|
+
the lady just gave me a sad face
|
|
1812
|
+
did you not learn anything for herpes scare 2010
|
|
1813
|
+
he has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip
|
|
1814
|
+
i hated him way before i saw his tiny dick
|
|
1815
|
+
so far weve hooked up on a pool table on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout
|
|
1816
|
+
we havent even made to a house yet
|
|
1817
|
+
in case you blackout
|
|
1818
|
+
this is confirmation that yes you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar
|
|
1819
|
+
think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots
|
|
1820
|
+
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
|
|
1821
|
+
the girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm
|
|
1822
|
+
they snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box
|
|
1823
|
+
they named it quincey
|
|
1824
|
+
they swear theyre sober
|
|
1825
|
+
just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny
|
|
1826
|
+
dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds
|
|
1827
|
+
i want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster
|
|
1828
|
+
he told me i had nice tits + they have a great shape
|
|
1829
|
+
+ then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits hes seen look like
|
|
1830
|
+
ill be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship so i need a babysitter to make sure i dont reenact titanic
|
|
1831
|
+
those foam number one hands are the best socks
|
|
1832
|
+
also at 1:30 i emailed myself saying are you there margaret its me god
|
|
1833
|
+
also at 1:30 i emailed myself saying are you there margaret its me god
|
|
1834
|
+
there was a fucking fire juggler
|
|
1835
|
+
but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
|
|
1836
|
+
just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
|
|
1837
|
+
his rich uncle has six months to live
|
|
1838
|
+
i feel pregnant
|
|
1839
|
+
someone apparently named eleaw just text me asking if i had fun last night
|
|
1840
|
+
we found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits
|
|
1841
|
+
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked do i live here
|
|
1842
|
+
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes
|
|
1843
|
+
apparently she came home completely covered in mud pretending to be a bird
|
|
1844
|
+
and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend
|
|
1845
|
+
we bought a duck
|
|
1846
|
+
were keeping him in our dorm room
|
|
1847
|
+
dont ever try to tell me youve had a better freshman year than me
|
|
1848
|
+
hne relally is a cite oerfect gome
|
|
1849
|
+
nes awddddddddooooome
|
|
1850
|
+
i feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
|
|
1851
|
+
i smell like i just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno
|
|
1852
|
+
im voting my liver organ of the month
|
|
1853
|
+
the award ceremony is next weekend
|
|
1854
|
+
bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
|
|
1855
|
+
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet
|
|
1856
|
+
you do realize that we got a stripper to do the ymca for us on the main stage
|
|
1857
|
+
by the way thank you for feeding me fries when i was sitting on the floor
|
|
1858
|
+
i love you but you should know ill always ditch you for weed
|
|
1859
|
+
if i come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door please have a warm towel ready for me
|
|
1860
|
+
i poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening
|
|
1861
|
+
my mom just told me to make sure my face isnt on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21
|
|
1862
|
+
challenge accepted
|
|
1863
|
+
i spiked my fruit smoothie
|
|
1864
|
+
taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
|
|
1865
|
+
i didnt know what to do with her so i just tied her to a bench
|
|
1866
|
+
just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room
|
|
1867
|
+
i feel like the emperor of college
|
|
1868
|
+
their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up
|
|
1869
|
+
clearly 6 bags was not enough
|
|
1870
|
+
and by single i mean slutty
|
|
1871
|
+
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours
|
|
1872
|
+
i miss this part of being single
|
|
1873
|
+
his penis is literally smaller than my cell phone
|
|
1874
|
+
i cant go out like that
|
|
1875
|
+
sorry for trying to force you and robert to make out
|
|
1876
|
+
i didnt realize how awkward it was until i woke up today
|
|
1877
|
+
he was gone before i woke up
|
|
1878
|
+
left a pee stain phone number note and $20 for sheets
|
|
1879
|
+
safe to say i will not be calling
|
|
1880
|
+
i was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i dont know in a house i dont recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa
|
|
1881
|
+
i hate tequila
|
|
1882
|
+
shes riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a dos equis in her hand
|
|
1883
|
+
i at least have to meet her
|
|
1884
|
+
he wasnt there when i woke up so i left him a heart shaped line before i left
|
|
1885
|
+
in the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing
|
|
1886
|
+
he would only do it doggy style
|
|
1887
|
+
the hes probably gay debate rages on
|
|
1888
|
+
you kept yelling this ones for the admissions office and then youd go in for the kill
|
|
1889
|
+
we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it itll make them want to come here
|
|
1890
|
+
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after
|
|
1891
|
+
said he wanted to spoon away the shame
|
|
1892
|
+
as you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you you said its cool i came in with this
|
|
1893
|
+
they did not believe you
|
|
1894
|
+
i think if i could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
|
|
1895
|
+
im just sitting here going through her tagged pics covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly
|
|
1896
|
+
did we cross streams again the only thing i remember is seeing a dick
|
|
1897
|
+
do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone whos imitating forrest gump
|
|
1898
|
+
ill sleep on the bed
|
|
1899
|
+
the couch is now designated banging area
|
|
1900
|
+
any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains
|
|
1901
|
+
when my alarm went off he rolled over and asked me: bacon or dick yes i will see him again
|
|
1902
|
+
he thought i was flirting with him but really i just needed someone to hold me up
|
|
1903
|
+
he thought i was flirting with him but really i just needed someone to hold me up
|
|
1904
|
+
nevermind its in the dryer
|
|
1905
|
+
do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head
|
|
1906
|
+
our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch
|
|
1907
|
+
you saw proof tonight
|
|
1908
|
+
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment
|
|
1909
|
+
laziness has been brought to a new level
|
|
1910
|
+
the liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face
|
|
1911
|
+
like were buying karkov at noon responsibility is out of the question
|
|
1912
|
+
she was our dd the least i could do is have sex with her
|
|
1913
|
+
even when drunk im still chivalrous
|
|
1914
|
+
just got the results back
|
|
1915
|
+
i love his dick even more now i know its clean
|
|
1916
|
+
theres a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420
|
|
1917
|
+
hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high i am
|
|
1918
|
+
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge
|
|
1919
|
+
prepare for the best 40 days of your life
|
|
1920
|
+
i asked him if his doormat had a name then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin
|
|
1921
|
+
its time to go balls to the wall to get any good d during these last few weeks of college
|
|
1922
|
+
real people drink 3 beers alone will watching the lifetime movie about prince william and kate middleton
|
|
1923
|
+
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad
|
|
1924
|
+
soo how bad was i last night
|
|
1925
|
+
you havent puked in my sink in over a year
|
|
1926
|
+
youre coming over this weekend
|
|
1927
|
+
there was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me dont go over 9000
|
|
1928
|
+
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth it would have been smiling afterwards
|
|
1929
|
+
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover
|
|
1930
|
+
fuck you
|
|
1931
|
+
how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain
|
|
1932
|
+
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt
|
|
1933
|
+
i guess i should thank you
|
|
1934
|
+
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea
|
|
1935
|
+
i should show up to the gym drunk more often
|
|
1936
|
+
i felt like i really motivated all the fat people
|
|
1937
|
+
am i undercharging for one hour of sex per essay i need a serious business answer
|
|
1938
|
+
he just asked if we wanted to go to an arts and crats club with him tomorrow
|
|
1939
|
+
every day it becomes harder for me to defend his sexuality
|
|
1940
|
+
why am i being cockblocked by a kid playing hava nagila on the saxaphone
|
|
1941
|
+
we woke up fucked twice she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said im glad youre still hott when im sober
|
|
1942
|
+
we started a fire
|
|
1943
|
+
what did you cook with whisky
|
|
1944
|
+
we just filmed our own version of iron chef
|
|
1945
|
+
the secret ingreient was whisky
|
|
1946
|
+
she told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors
|
|
1947
|
+
its gonna be a good time
|
|
1948
|
+
so his youporn cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers
|
|
1949
|
+
i slept in bed with them the night they met
|
|
1950
|
+
i once peed on the bride
|
|
1951
|
+
and now i get to give a speech at their wedding
|
|
1952
|
+
piece of cake
|
|
1953
|
+
i need to get skinnier so that i know when pregnancy scares are real
|
|
1954
|
+
covered in gravy
|
|
1955
|
+
never pour gravy while drinking
|
|
1956
|
+
mid blow job she looked up and said we arent even facebook friends
|
|
1957
|
+
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
|
|
1958
|
+
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea
|
|
1959
|
+
i dont appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket miracle whip
|
|
1960
|
+
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
|
|
1961
|
+
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read 420 vetran we gave him a bowl of bud
|
|
1962
|
+
for the record graham crackers wont get the taste of cock out of your mouth
|
|
1963
|
+
also were out of graham crackers
|
|
1964
|
+
he tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here
|
|
1965
|
+
we convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge
|
|
1966
|
+
there were still suds in it
|
|
1967
|
+
he is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him
|
|
1968
|
+
my ass is so much more productive than dating
|
|
1969
|
+
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled its a life style
|
|
1970
|
+
he taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
|
|
1971
|
+
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday
|
|
1972
|
+
it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter
|
|
1973
|
+
it is scary how often just flash him is your advice
|
|
1974
|
+
she just rubbed her face all over pool chalk
|
|
1975
|
+
i feel like its time to go
|
|
1976
|
+
did you get the i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor text
|
|
1977
|
+
theyre reeeeeally big trays
|
|
1978
|
+
its wednesday
|
|
1979
|
+
theres two big trays of water in our freezer
|
|
1980
|
+
i just hope they freeze by saturday
|
|
1981
|
+
for the ice luge
|
|
1982
|
+
i dont know if you remember but i was only wearing an afghan
|
|
1983
|
+
definitely contact high
|
|
1984
|
+
thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
|
|
1985
|
+
he used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out
|
|
1986
|
+
waking and baking in my bathtub
|
|
1987
|
+
in a giant sweater
|
|
1988
|
+
and no pants
|
|
1989
|
+
this is going to be the best 420 ever
|
|
1990
|
+
last time we were that stoned we made a everything you can fit in the blender shake
|
|
1991
|
+
didnt end well
|
|
1992
|
+
they bet me shots that i couldnt give people piggyback rides around the club just cause im 125lbs and a girl
|
|
1993
|
+
i had a line forming after the third guy
|
|
1994
|
+
if youre still on campus theres a jack and coke in the bathroom of fondren science bldg
|
|
1995
|
+
too strong to bring to class
|
|
1996
|
+
also i smoked away my sore throat last night
|
|
1997
|
+
its a 420 miracle
|
|
1998
|
+
the amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after i found out hes been eating my food almost offsets how angry i am
|
|
1999
|
+
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious
|
|
2000
|
+
she got stuck in the front door
|
|
2001
|
+
she never told me how or why
|
|
2002
|
+
so i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze and tried to do the come hither look
|
|
2003
|
+
he thinks im brain damaged
|
|
2004
|
+
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out
|
|
2005
|
+
i have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it
|
|
2006
|
+
yes i am ready for this bikini wax
|
|
2007
|
+
i love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an unspoken family tradition
|
|
2008
|
+
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
|
|
2009
|
+
i have a shitload of cardboard
|
|
2010
|
+
we have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house
|
|
2011
|
+
this way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
|
|
2012
|
+
he kept yelling this isnt amateur hour
|
|
2013
|
+
you better not pull some waking up at 2 in the afternoon shit we have weed to smoke
|
|
2014
|
+
oh my god
|
|
2015
|
+
were standing in the kitchen and were chanting eyebrows and shaving peoples eyebrows
|
|
2016
|
+
i have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows
|
|
2017
|
+
update: ifinallt managed t5o be in a
|
|
2018
|
+
horizontal position without throwing up
|
|
2019
|
+
the snmall victories
|
|
2020
|
+
im drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug
|
|
2021
|
+
i dont have any clean cups
|
|
2022
|
+
how am i still at this point in my life
|
|
2023
|
+
i love you
|
|
2024
|
+
im too high for this
|
|
2025
|
+
find a way
|
|
2026
|
+
make it happen
|
|
2027
|
+
live strong
|
|
2028
|
+
if we see one freshman that cummed on me we are leaving
|
|
2029
|
+
hey got that picture this morning
|
|
2030
|
+
clean your room 2
|
|
2031
|
+
what happened to your nail and 3
|
|
2032
|
+
your penis is amazing
|
|
2033
|
+
they high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs
|
|
2034
|
+
in the same bed
|
|
2035
|
+
under the same blanket
|
|
2036
|
+
there was a fucking snake in the urinal
|
|
2037
|
+
what the fuck
|
|
2038
|
+
i just realized that my phone was set to brazilian time
|
|
2039
|
+
what the fuck happened last night
|
|
2040
|
+
just drunk tweeted nasa asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships
|
|
2041
|
+
fingers crossed
|
|
2042
|
+
you had me sold at fucking you down the slide
|
|
2043
|
+
this is absurd
|
|
2044
|
+
i need a man
|
|
2045
|
+
or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point
|
|
2046
|
+
he offered me a ride home but i walked
|
|
2047
|
+
he lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
|
|
2048
|
+
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window
|
|
2049
|
+
happy 4/21 to me
|
|
2050
|
+
in less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
|
|
2051
|
+
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away
|
|
2052
|
+
chivalry isnt dead
|
|
2053
|
+
i want to bury your face in my vagina
|
|
2054
|
+
possibly by force
|
|
2055
|
+
i will try not to suffocate you though
|
|
2056
|
+
probably shouldnt have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class
|
|
2057
|
+
i woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
|
|
2058
|
+
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself
|
|
2059
|
+
the best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
|
|
2060
|
+
thats science my friend
|
|
2061
|
+
boner science
|
|
2062
|
+
its sad that i know 23 beers will fit into my purse
|
|
2063
|
+
im way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
|
|
2064
|
+
this whole plan b standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
|
|
2065
|
+
they all just nodded
|
|
2066
|
+
my near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
|
|
2067
|
+
got into a fight with a bouncer over whos moustache is better again last night
|
|
2068
|
+
i hope the dean has a raincoat on because im prolly gonna throw up on him when i get my degree
|
|
2069
|
+
ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong how wrong would it be to give babies ambien hypothetically speaking
|
|
2070
|
+
currently microwaving whipped cream to make white russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner
|
|
2071
|
+
my neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house
|
|
2072
|
+
do i even want to know
|
|
2073
|
+
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage
|
|
2074
|
+
thanks art school
|
|
2075
|
+
i need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
|
|
2076
|
+
i had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didnt want him to know how long its been since i had a decent fuck
|
|
2077
|
+
you were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
|
|
2078
|
+
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
|
|
2079
|
+
this is strictly sexting dont make small talk
|
|
2080
|
+
how was ur day
|
|
2081
|
+
i would say i am sorry for punching you last night but i found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back
|
|
2082
|
+
you took a bar mat shot
|
|
2083
|
+
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair
|
|
2084
|
+
just thought i would document that in case you forgot
|
|
2085
|
+
i sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
|
|
2086
|
+
i actually had fun getting arrested
|
|
2087
|
+
that high
|
|
2088
|
+
he said last night that hed never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time
|
|
2089
|
+
and im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts
|
|
2090
|
+
shes locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and shes watching my little pony on her phone
|
|
2091
|
+
we know it cause she sings with them
|
|
2092
|
+
i made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar
|
|
2093
|
+
jesus died for our sins right
|
|
2094
|
+
i really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat
|
|
2095
|
+
facebook chat
|
|
2096
|
+
i almost cried
|
|
2097
|
+
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when i vomited in it this morning
|
|
2098
|
+
def walking back to my apt with a blender an empty vodka bottle and a half eatn drumstick cone
|
|
2099
|
+
i cannot for the life of me remember why i am holding this rabbit
|
|
2100
|
+
new term
|
|
2101
|
+
find a husband fridays
|
|
2102
|
+
its like thirsty thursdays but with a dowry
|
|
2103
|
+
so if you want this mfm threesome thing to happen the other guy is here and willing
|
|
2104
|
+
scratch that
|
|
2105
|
+
good bye liver good bye clothes good bye dignity
|
|
2106
|
+
hello awesome weekend
|
|
2107
|
+
he just keeps repeating this isnt my bagel
|
|
2108
|
+
im worried for his safety
|
|
2109
|
+
thanks for putting pants on me last night
|
|
2110
|
+
and for calling me a princess
|
|
2111
|
+
now have a vodka water and get your shit together
|
|
2112
|
+
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge
|
|
2113
|
+
it was a sobriety test blowjob
|
|
2114
|
+
if he could get it up he could get me home
|
|
2115
|
+
you do realize that youre sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem right
|
|
2116
|
+
we were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
|
|
2117
|
+
i really need to get out of this guys bed and get home
|
|
2118
|
+
its two in the afternoon
|
|
2119
|
+
hes not even here
|
|
2120
|
+
whats the protocol when you drive the girls head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry
|
|
2121
|
+
if you go to the bathroom dont ask why theres diet coke on the toilet
|
|
2122
|
+
loller copter
|
|
2123
|
+
blow is fun
|
|
2124
|
+
its because you were crossfaded
|
|
2125
|
+
and because drinks were 3 dollars
|
|
2126
|
+
and because they accepted credit cards
|
|
2127
|
+
stripperoke is exactly what it sounds
|
|
2128
|
+
thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
|
|
2129
|
+
asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment
|
|
2130
|
+
did we fight the bathroom girl she just wanted to give us lotion and condoms
|
|
2131
|
+
there was a handprint of blood on his shoulder
|
|
2132
|
+
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house
|
|
2133
|
+
its actually less creepy than it sounds
|
|
2134
|
+
things you owe me: a sober apology $12 the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
|
|
2135
|
+
i hope he didnt notice that my shirt was inside out when i told him i didnt have sex with the guy
|
|
2136
|
+
kind of a dead giveaway
|
|
2137
|
+
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets
|
|
2138
|
+
she demanded that i make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
|
|
2139
|
+
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel
|
|
2140
|
+
he said it was easier than finding a knife
|
|
2141
|
+
theres a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you
|
|
2142
|
+
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over
|
|
2143
|
+
oh and im sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
|
|
2144
|
+
the easter kegg
|
|
2145
|
+
out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
|
|
2146
|
+
not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop
|
|
2147
|
+
whats an appropriate im fucking your grandson but im trying to hide it outfit
|
|
2148
|
+
i told him the truth
|
|
2149
|
+
truth leads to vodka
|
|
2150
|
+
vodka leads to tequila
|
|
2151
|
+
tequila leads to prison
|
|
2152
|
+
that girl that gave me a blowjob i think i fired her last year
|
|
2153
|
+
tonights trip to the er was brought to you by fork jousting
|
|
2154
|
+
a homeless man walked up to me at the bar pointed and told me to get my shit together
|
|
2155
|
+
they randomly show up
|
|
2156
|
+
and get in your bed
|
|
2157
|
+
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
|
|
2158
|
+
oh my god
|
|
2159
|
+
the driver of our party bus just said no drugs unless youre sharin my confidence in him is not high at the moment
|
|
2160
|
+
i rarely go in there
|
|
2161
|
+
unless its for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey
|
|
2162
|
+
fairly certain i called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
|
|
2163
|
+
yeah i think they knew
|
|
2164
|
+
i smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and easter
|
|
2165
|
+
ummm i just broke my no puke streak at church
|
|
2166
|
+
so hungover
|
|
2167
|
+
they actually hid easter eggs around me
|
|
2168
|
+
she just fell in the river
|
|
2169
|
+
meet us downstream with the bottle
|
|
2170
|
+
i feel as though the word tired has become synonymous with too high to manage the stairs lately
|
|
2171
|
+
do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth
|
|
2172
|
+
pretty sure god shed a tear when i put 15 singles in the collection plate
|
|
2173
|
+
do you know anything about the easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps
|
|
2174
|
+
we were walking and you spelled the word oats to prove you werent drunk
|
|
2175
|
+
theres nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on easter sunday
|
|
2176
|
+
dont be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor
|
|
2177
|
+
just because you put plan b in my easter basket doesnt give you an excuse not to wear a condom
|
|
2178
|
+
i was walking around outside with a basket of eggs
|
|
2179
|
+
i feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition
|
|
2180
|
+
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again
|
|
2181
|
+
have invented new cocktail
|
|
2182
|
+
any flavor of crystal light and vodka
|
|
2183
|
+
i call it i am going to die alone
|
|
2184
|
+
all i really need to know is how to say where is the bathroom and i dont take it in the butt anymore
|
|
2185
|
+
i think that will suffice
|
|
2186
|
+
let me just say
|
|
2187
|
+
im sorry about setting your carpet on fire
|
|
2188
|
+
i had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly
|
|
2189
|
+
shes just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing what the fuck did you give her
|
|
2190
|
+
i have retrograde ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds
|
|
2191
|
+
is this a respectable form of birth control
|
|
2192
|
+
why am i always defeated by the latin cock
|
|
2193
|
+
wash that dress asap
|
|
2194
|
+
you laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body
|
|
2195
|
+
ive started making all these amazing things
|
|
2196
|
+
like bananas rolled in doritos
|
|
2197
|
+
i am unable to type or say unprotected receptive anal sex with a straight face
|
|
2198
|
+
clearly hiv was a poor research paper topic choice
|
|
2199
|
+
saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot
|
|
2200
|
+
singlehood has come to this
|
|
2201
|
+
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night
|
|
2202
|
+
all 3 are passed out
|
|
2203
|
+
were gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices
|
|
2204
|
+
how do you feel about lunch break shots
|
|
2205
|
+
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
|
|
2206
|
+
i drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team
|
|
2207
|
+
at what point did we decide it was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot
|
|
2208
|
+
stumbled into class and into a desk
|
|
2209
|
+
when i fell my bottle broke in my backpack
|
|
2210
|
+
i had to leave there was vodka everywhere
|
|
2211
|
+
his hunger strike for change lasted 4 days
|
|
2212
|
+
hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend
|
|
2213
|
+
not impressed
|
|
2214
|
+
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams
|
|
2215
|
+
doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world
|
|
2216
|
+
why do i do this to myself
|
|
2217
|
+
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them
|
|
2218
|
+
i have bruises on my ass from her spurs
|
|
2219
|
+
god bless texas
|
|
2220
|
+
you know you made out with my sister while holding ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
|
|
2221
|
+
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
|
|
2222
|
+
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
|
|
2223
|
+
dude she looked like newman from seinfeld im done with this wingman shit
|
|
2224
|
+
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it
|
|
2225
|
+
i just might be falling in love
|
|
2226
|
+
but barely
|
|
2227
|
+
had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car phone and self respect
|
|
2228
|
+
how dare she call you insensitive
|
|
2229
|
+
should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you
|
|
2230
|
+
i dont want the last thing i hear while alive to be jesses girl
|
|
2231
|
+
incase your class ends early there are three naked guys in our room
|
|
2232
|
+
but dont get too excited theyre all gay
|
|
2233
|
+
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life
|
|
2234
|
+
hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers
|
|
2235
|
+
you passed out in my bathroom last night
|
|
2236
|
+
i put a towel over your face so i could shit without it being gay
|
|
2237
|
+
seeing two hook-ups in tagged in the same picture will send chills down anyones spine
|
|
2238
|
+
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout we have something in common
|
|
2239
|
+
he gets a blow job; i get my oil changed free of charge
|
|
2240
|
+
and that way i only see him every 2500 miles
|
|
2241
|
+
we are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
|
|
2242
|
+
apparently i was pointing at birds and yelling you used to be a dinosaur
|
|
2243
|
+
were gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints
|
|
2244
|
+
i gurantee you ill be the only one dressed as a giraffe
|
|
2245
|
+
all i wanted was to be slutty
|
|
2246
|
+
now im meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
|
|
2247
|
+
she is trying to turtle bite me and when i pull away she says just let it happen
|
|
2248
|
+
then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
|
|
2249
|
+
i told her that if she blew me i would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge
|
|
2250
|
+
why did she agree
|
|
2251
|
+
you left a paper here that says to do list but it looks like you just wrote drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch whos the boss like 60 times
|
|
2252
|
+
if we break up i want weekend visitations with your penis
|
|
2253
|
+
one minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next i was shotgunning a beer with them
|
|
2254
|
+
guess whos bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina
|
|
2255
|
+
i cant wait
|
|
2256
|
+
forget the royal wedding
|
|
2257
|
+
this is the most anticipated hookup of 2011
|
|
2258
|
+
my gym membership just went from way to get in shape to place to go swim when im high
|
|
2259
|
+
the gym has a pool
|
|
2260
|
+
think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
|
|
2261
|
+
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door
|
|
2262
|
+
home safe
|
|
2263
|
+
screen door is locked so were good
|
|
2264
|
+
i just called my mom napoleon bronaparte
|
|
2265
|
+
i need to stop hanging out with you
|
|
2266
|
+
do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila
|
|
2267
|
+
all i did was present the dick
|
|
2268
|
+
you did the work
|
|
2269
|
+
thats like thanking the pencil for a test you got an a on
|
|
2270
|
+
i dont think he grasps the fact that i would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 anthropolgie bedspread
|
|
2271
|
+
doing blow at 6am to wake myself up for clinicals was a baaaaad idea
|
|
2272
|
+
he pulled a potato out of his bag in the library
|
|
2273
|
+
a whole friggin potato
|
|
2274
|
+
he ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him
|
|
2275
|
+
i mad aa ber float
|
|
2276
|
+
budweiser nd ice creem
|
|
2277
|
+
it amzig
|
|
2278
|
+
sober sundays just arent working out anymore
|
|
2279
|
+
lets have sex soon
|
|
2280
|
+
just us its sad that i have to specify
|
|
2281
|
+
hes going to regret telling me he doesnt care if i shave or not
|
|
2282
|
+
he apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
|
|
2283
|
+
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
|
|
2284
|
+
i dont know how its possible
|
|
2285
|
+
but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
|
|
2286
|
+
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer
|
|
2287
|
+
the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant
|
|
2288
|
+
and even those are negotiable
|
|
2289
|
+
just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to vegas
|
|
2290
|
+
they seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it
|
|
2291
|
+
its like a porno plot
|
|
2292
|
+
they both just did a shot head butted each other did another shot and then slapped each other in the face
|
|
2293
|
+
these could be the two guys weve been looking for all our lives
|
|
2294
|
+
for the record chili cheese fritos are not a chaser
|
|
2295
|
+
tornado warnings are fun
|
|
2296
|
+
im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows
|
|
2297
|
+
i wasnt hungover this morning
|
|
2298
|
+
my head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead
|
|
2299
|
+
i get to be your mom
|
|
2300
|
+
can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth
|
|
2301
|
+
i wonder if he has realized that i have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
|
|
2302
|
+
fill in the blanks in the morning
|
|
2303
|
+
worst ten minutes of my life its was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank
|
|
2304
|
+
i just had a boat ride of shame
|
|
2305
|
+
with senior citizens
|
|
2306
|
+
my professor just used the phrase balls deep in your mind
|
|
2307
|
+
my day is officially made
|
|
2308
|
+
almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow
|
|
2309
|
+
so some random man just messaged me on facebook tig ol bitties should i be concerned
|
|
2310
|
+
its been decided
|
|
2311
|
+
lingerie is an investment
|
|
2312
|
+
you get free breakfast and cab rides out of it
|
|
2313
|
+
we realized he wasnt with us anymore so we turn around and hes 20 feet back peeing on a squirrel
|
|
2314
|
+
land before time marathon
|
|
2315
|
+
we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar
|
|
2316
|
+
he told the cop he was underage handed the cop his id and the police report read i then informed the suspect that he was not in fact underage
|
|
2317
|
+
theres a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone
|
|
2318
|
+
the note on the fridge says dont buy cheese
|
|
2319
|
+
stop letting her go outside
|
|
2320
|
+
a beer fell out of the case hit the ground and started spraying
|
|
2321
|
+
hes a pro
|
|
2322
|
+
he grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case
|
|
2323
|
+
apparently it isnt appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because its negative calories that a blowjob is too
|
|
2324
|
+
you looked at me pointed to a car and silently said the elephant parks here
|
|
2325
|
+
you dont have to believe me
|
|
2326
|
+
my vagina knows it happened
|
|
2327
|
+
scarred for life
|
|
2328
|
+
way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
|
|
2329
|
+
i was laying in her brothers bed in his old room
|
|
2330
|
+
and i kept getting the chills
|
|
2331
|
+
i didnt know if it was a draft or the ghosts of bjs past
|
|
2332
|
+
finally considering to keep my landing strip before i have sex
|
|
2333
|
+
i feel like it makes me look mature
|
|
2334
|
+
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band
|
|
2335
|
+
too early
|
|
2336
|
+
too fuckin early
|
|
2337
|
+
i will now refer to my life as before and after i used astroglide for the first time
|
|
2338
|
+
why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am
|
|
2339
|
+
that is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals
|
|
2340
|
+
its like im bound to fail by royal decree
|
|
2341
|
+
you covered his dog in toothpaste
|
|
2342
|
+
safe to say hes not gonna call you
|
|
2343
|
+
theyre both coked to the gills having a shouting match about the powers and abilities of godzilla
|
|
2344
|
+
and using the wikipedia entry on the topic to support their respective arguments
|
|
2345
|
+
just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink
|
|
2346
|
+
just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before i re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships
|
|
2347
|
+
i think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
|
|
2348
|
+
based on the pics i have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping i have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same
|
|
2349
|
+
they are like snowflakes
|
|
2350
|
+
just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so i could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor
|
|
2351
|
+
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing i want an ass like hers i feel vaguely accomplished
|
|
2352
|
+
pregnancy scare over
|
|
2353
|
+
let the cockfest begin
|
|
2354
|
+
hungover like
|
|
2355
|
+
in bed with the brita pitcher and a straw only opening one eye at a time
|
|
2356
|
+
a kid in my class brought a george foreman and cooked food mid lecture
|
|
2357
|
+
when the prof found out all the kid did was ask if he wanted some
|
|
2358
|
+
be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on friday and be prepared to say yes
|
|
2359
|
+
at one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
|
|
2360
|
+
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
|
|
2361
|
+
i dont think my prof knows weve noticed her no bra fridays
|
|
2362
|
+
like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls thats how far it was
|
|
2363
|
+
i just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break
|
|
2364
|
+
i think single life is getting better everyday
|
|
2365
|
+
i just wont go as hard tonight
|
|
2366
|
+
four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me
|
|
2367
|
+
i like to get my moneys worth
|
|
2368
|
+
attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding
|
|
2369
|
+
bring your own bottle and well just drink in silence
|
|
2370
|
+
important info for allergy season
|
|
2371
|
+
an orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses
|
|
2372
|
+
spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment
|
|
2373
|
+
i told them it was my house
|
|
2374
|
+
they didnt buy it
|
|
2375
|
+
the cop and i then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk
|
|
2376
|
+
i dont know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the kfc container is but i feel like she could be my soulmate
|
|
2377
|
+
i have to take his virginity
|
|
2378
|
+
its what god put me on earth for
|
|
2379
|
+
its my life mission
|
|
2380
|
+
its taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isnt the dude for me
|
|
2381
|
+
also that picking your major should be done sober lest you find your self an art major
|
|
2382
|
+
he was with one girl when i went to bed wad with another when i woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning
|
|
2383
|
+
jesus christ
|
|
2384
|
+
we just did a shot to getting laid in the bar bathroom
|
|
2385
|
+
i love where this thursday is headed
|
|
2386
|
+
he said i was trying to make the bouncer dance with me as he was throwing me out
|
|
2387
|
+
plus you know hes just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from experimenting with some french major
|
|
2388
|
+
my car smells like vomit and bananas
|
|
2389
|
+
this cant really be my life
|
|
2390
|
+
everytime i am with a guy i hope his penis is as big as yours
|
|
2391
|
+
it never is
|
|
2392
|
+
thanks for setting that bar
|
|
2393
|
+
just did ten shots in 8
|
|
2394
|
+
34 minutes
|
|
2395
|
+
slowly getting over the loss
|
|
2396
|
+
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car its like a constant reminder of his small penis
|
|
2397
|
+
wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked
|
|
2398
|
+
i cant figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray
|
|
2399
|
+
soo time for a life change my 6 yr old sister made my gf a puke bucket for her birthday
|
|
2400
|
+
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
|
|
2401
|
+
im riding in a wheelchair being pulled by a golf cart
|
|
2402
|
+
you need to be here
|
|
2403
|
+
dont be alarmed if you come back and im passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia
|
|
2404
|
+
when she was dating that guy she told me if they broke up i would receive a call and no matter what i was doing id have to go over a fuck her
|
|
2405
|
+
its like being an emt for sex
|
|
2406
|
+
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash
|
|
2407
|
+
extremely suspect
|
|
2408
|
+
you have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
|
|
2409
|
+
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting victory
|
|
2410
|
+
as one final fuck you to the courthouse im paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins
|
|
2411
|
+
what would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth
|
|
2412
|
+
you cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high
|
|
2413
|
+
at what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
|
|
2414
|
+
say it with me now
|
|
2415
|
+
the golden penis
|
|
2416
|
+
his nickname does not disappoint
|
|
2417
|
+
did you dip my ponytail in franzia its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now
|
|
2418
|
+
i am currently listening to someone take a shit
|
|
2419
|
+
i hate the hole in the ceiling
|
|
2420
|
+
and next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird
|
|
2421
|
+
im pregaming for my hair cut
|
|
2422
|
+
working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely
|
|
2423
|
+
i was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
|
|
2424
|
+
everything smells like beer
|
|
2425
|
+
but i cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower
|
|
2426
|
+
so beer it is
|
|
2427
|
+
no i peed with you in the toilet
|
|
2428
|
+
the guy i high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
|
|
2429
|
+
when you accidentally type i want prince william to fuck me in the ass to your mom theres really no way to take that back
|
|
2430
|
+
only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
|
|
2431
|
+
hes the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning
|
|
2432
|
+
ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store
|
|
2433
|
+
soup is delicious
|
|
2434
|
+
i know it was you because youre the only person i know who gets drunk and craves soup
|
|
2435
|
+
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldnt let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
|
|
2436
|
+
i really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on friday mornings
|
|
2437
|
+
she alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me
|
|
2438
|
+
somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom
|
|
2439
|
+
think its safe
|
|
2440
|
+
yes theres a double standard
|
|
2441
|
+
get over it
|
|
2442
|
+
fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
|
|
2443
|
+
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first
|
|
2444
|
+
then you proceeded to puke out the window
|
|
2445
|
+
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
|