twss-classifier 0.0.1
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- data/Gemfile +4 -0
- data/README.md +10 -0
- data/Rakefile +2 -0
- data/data/fmylife-parsed.txt +3351 -0
- data/data/gutenberg-fairy-tales.txt +2823 -0
- data/data/raw-data/fmylife-data.txt +1302 -0
- data/data/raw-data/texts-from-last-night-data.txt +1546 -0
- data/data/raw-data/twss-stories-data.txt +2131 -0
- data/data/texts-from-last-night-parsed.txt +2445 -0
- data/data/twss-stories-parsed.txt +2091 -0
- data/demo.rb +28 -0
- data/lib/twss-classifier.rb +16 -0
- data/lib/twss-classifier/naive-bayes.rb +121 -0
- data/lib/twss-classifier/twss-classifier.yaml +16146 -0
- data/lib/twss-classifier/version.rb +3 -0
- data/twss-classifier.gemspec +21 -0
- metadata +83 -0
data/Gemfile
ADDED
data/README.md
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# What?!
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A Naive Bayes model built for That's What She Said classification.
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nb = NaiveBayes.new(1, POS_TRAINING_EXAMPLES, NEG_TRAINING_EXAMPLES) # train a unigram model
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if nb.classify("that was longer than i expected") > 0.99
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puts "That's what she said!"
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end
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Read more about the algorithm [here](http://blog.echen.me/2011/05/05/twss-building-a-thats-what-she-said-classifier/), and see a demo [here](http://twss-classifier.heroku.com/).
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data/Rakefile
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my husbands old fraternity brother came to visit
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he fell out of his car puked then passed out drunk in our driveway
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we got him to the bathroom where he fell asleep
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he woke up at 4am wandered around the house naked pooped in my trash can then passed out again
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i found out that my beautiful engagement ring is a remake of the late princess dianas engagement ring
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i also found out my fiance bought it from an infomercial for $19
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my ex-girlfriend came over to console me after a breakup
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after beating me repeatedly in mariokart she decided to leave
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the alarm clock downstairs has been going off since 3am
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the apartment belongs to two other students
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theyve gone home
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only 3 more days left to go
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i was at my friends house
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we were looking at her dads guns and i was explaining gun safety and how you should never put your finger on the trigger
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i then shot a hole in the floor of her house
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i went for a drive with my boyfriend and his dad
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his dad was kind enough to point out at every opportunity girls that would be better for him than me
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while sitting next to the cute guy in my english class i had to sneeze
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i turned away from him and sneezed into my arm
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my long hair got in the way and i accidently shot a huge snot rocket into my hair
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i spent the rest of the class trying to get it out without him noticing
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i went to the store and ran into an old friend that i hadnt seen in years
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we chatted a little and just as i was leaving he grabbed his mobile phone
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later i added him on facebook
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turns out the last thing he posted was a picture of my back saying: look who got even fatter
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it was my first day back to school after break
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i wasnt feeling well but i decided to go anyway
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i threw up in the hallway and shit myself at the same time
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i waited in the office for my dad to come and get me for almost an hour while wearing dirty underwear
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i found out that my friend makes more money than i do
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shes a high school dropout and working at a retail job at the mall
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i went to college for four years to get my job
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while changing my clothes my 3 year old daughter informed me that i looked like a zebra
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noticing my shocked face she tried comforting me by telling me i was a pretty zebra because i was a purple zebra
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she was talking about my stretch marks
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my boyfriend told me there was a tick on my shoulder and that he would remove it so i shouldnt worry
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after about a half hour lots of blood and a ton of pain he told me it was just a mole
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my boss and i were stacking boxes in the back room of the store
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one of the boxes fell and hit me in the face causing me to lose my glasses
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my boss stepped on my glasses as she ran to check the box for broken merchandise which i then had to pay for
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i was woken up by the sound of part of my kitchen ceiling hitting the floor
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i had a job interview
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the interviewer asked me to give 5 adjectives describing myself
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i listed 7
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the last one being listener
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my girlfriend dumped me for the tattoo artist who gave us our matching love tattoos
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i discovered after four hours of vomiting that it is very much possible to vomit so hard you cant help but shit in your trousers
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my boyfriend is currently staying over too
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between my cats scratching every surface they can find my boyfriends snoring and the dog barking at every slight noise outside im unlikely to ever get more than 3 hours of sleep at a time
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i took my daughter to the library instead of the pool
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i sat her on the counter and while i reached for my library card she turned to the librarian and said we didnt go to the pool today because mum has hairy legs
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my girlfriend whom im crazy about broke up with me out of the blue
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after pleading with her unsuccessfully i called my mom for comfort and advice
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she informed me that my dog had died
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while walking on the sidewalk with my boyfriend i slipped and fell
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not only did he not help me get up or ask if i was okay he got mad at me for embarrassing him in public
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i was talking to my boyfriend about our new years resolutions
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i started telling him that i wanted to lose some weight
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he interrupted me saying yeah yeah we all know youre fat whatever
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he then went on a 30 minute speech about how hed really like to take more pictures of his cat in 2011
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my boyfriend decided to re-enact a scene from family guy
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he locked me in the car with him and farted deadly ones repeatedly
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he wouldnt let me out until i learned to love the gas
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i hit a parked car which was sticking out in the road and practically unavoidable
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i left a note on the windshield saying you deserved to get hit - you park like an asshole
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later i realized that the paper i tore to write on was the back of my bank statement name and address included
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i was out running
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all of a sudden i saw a dog come towards me i thought it was going to attack me and i screamed like a girl in front of everyone
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it was a puppy wanting to play
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it was opening night for the play where i was for the first time ever one of the leads
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i went on stage with a loud and energetic entrance
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i came in two scenes early
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i was talking to a really cute guy
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he leaned closer and i thought he was going to kiss me
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instead he leaned back laughed and said wow
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youre growing a mustache
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my boss walked in and said something i didnt quite hear but my co-worker chuckled so to be polite i laughed with him
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they gave me some weird looks
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my boss was actually talking about his wifes tumor and my co-worker was coughing
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i found out my identity was stolen
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the person got credit cards in my name and didnt pay the bills which has ruined my near perfect credit
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the worst part about all of this is that i cant turn the person in
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its my mom and sending her to jail wouldnt really work out for anyone
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while i was out of the office id left my phone charging inside
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my boss informed me that since i am clearly running up her electricity bill it will be deducted out of my already nearly non existent paycheck
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i was driving back from school 100 miles away from my home with my fiancé and dog
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while stopping for gas we accidentally left our car keys and cell phones in the car
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the dog sat on one of the keys and engaged the locks
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we were locked out of the car until the tow truck arrived
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i returned to work after celebrating the new year in mexico
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i wasnt feeling well but didnt want to call in sick after already taking a vacation
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now im at work with diarrhea and trotting to the bathroom every 30 minutes
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my commute home usually takes around an hour
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at work my computer started acting up
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i told my boss i could fix it but he told me to call the it department instead
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neither the it technician or his supervisor could figure it out so i showed them what was wrong and how to fix it
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i was promptly fired for wasting 2 hours of company time
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my mother came over again to help me work on my student aid application
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she also brought over the savings bonds that she has been accumulating since i was born to help pay for college
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turns out they wont reach maturity until im thirty
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she never bothered to check out this fact
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im screwed for college
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i have been teaching my 5 year-old step-daughter how to read and write
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she came bounding up to me with a piece of paper and said look what i did
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it was a letter that said my dad misses my real mommy not you
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i changed my facebook relationship status to in a relationship
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the girl is made up and the picture is from google
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my cheating ex-boyfriend was offered the job we both interviewed for
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i helped him with his cover letter before i found out about the affair
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ive been unemployed for almost two years
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i was feeling sick but went into my waitressing job because id already missed 3 days this week
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i was dizzy and managed to spill a tray of drinks all over the customers
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then when their food was done i tripped and spilled hot chili all over the mans lap
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i was at the doctors getting some skin scraped off the bottom of my foot for some tests
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as soon as the doctor grabbed my foot it tickled and i accidentally kicked him in the face
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during this the blade sliced my foot open
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i found the birthday card my grandma had mailed
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apparently it contained a gift of $100
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too bad it was in my moms trash can opened with no money
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she told my grandma it must have gotten lost in the mail
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i had a panic attack at 2am because someone decided to throw a snowball at my window
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i was at the nursing home i work at and my boss asked me if im serious about my job telling me that ive been acting strange and not working hard enough
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she wants to drug test me
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the real reason im not 100% is because i have a stomach ulcer from the stress of working there
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i had a plaster cast removed from my arm
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after telling the nurse it felt like the saw was cutting my skin she tells me there is no way that it could touch my skin and that i was being paranoid
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she cracked open the cast
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burns blisters and bleeding skin were revealed
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i had a show with my drama group
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my mom isnt a good drunk she decided to scream along to every song and pass out halfway through
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she was in the front row
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for the first time ever my boyfriend of one year told me he loved me
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he was calling me by collect call from the county jail
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i went to the toilet during drama not because i had to actually go but because i wanted to play monopoly on my ipod
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i lost track of time and came back twenty minutes later
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my whole class listened while i was forced to tell my teacher id been really constipated
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in gym class we were forced to learn the hoedown throwdown dance by miley cyrus
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this will actually be counted toward my grade
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im in high school
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a kid grabbed the receiver to my cochlear implant and ran off with it
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i went to a security guard and if my lip reading was accurate he said to try and make it through the day without it
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without it i cant hear anything
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i fell and got a nasty cut above my right eye
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the doctor in the er sealed the wound with surgical glue
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he also glued his glove to my eyebrow and let glue run onto my eyelid
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not only do i have a scar and medical bill i now have no eyebrow or eyelashes on my right eye
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feeling melancholy i took a blanket out to the backyard and lay down to look at the clouds
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my dad came out to ask me what i was doing
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i told him he smirked squatted over my face and farted
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he then ran back inside and told my mom
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she laughed
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after lifting a 20 pound box of oranges for a woman at work she turned around to say your acne needs help
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i still had to tell her to have a good day
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my 2 year-old son decided to pee on the dog for the second day in a row
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im afraid this will turn into a routine thing
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i had to walk three miles home from work
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both my parents were at home
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the reason they wouldnt collect me is apparently because ive gotten so fat your grandma cried after she saw you
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i got diarrhea while on a trip with my daughters
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at our third stop i had to sit in the stall listening to my 5 year-old informing everyone who came in that mommy is stopping at every bathroom to poop
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my boyfriend broke up with me via text message
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you would think he could at least spell my name right while ending our relationship
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at work i was asked to sharpen some pencils
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im an electronics and mechanics engineer and while i understand its been quite a while since i was in primary school i still wonder why my boss felt the need to explain in minute detail how to sharpen a pencil
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i was on the plane asleep
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i woke up after feeling the plane jolt and i screamed at the top of my lungs
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the little girl next to me told me i was a sissy
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everyone on the plane laughed
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i finally found out why my fish were dying in their tank
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my younger sister had been spraying detergent in there because she wanted to make the fish smell like lemons
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i asked my boyfriend if my ass looked big in my new jeans
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he looked and then started singing i like big butts and i cannot lie
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i burned myself while cooking so i asked my mom to get the burn cream while i waited in the kitchen
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while i was waiting i absentmindedly set my hand on the hot stove earning myself a second burn
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i told my boyfriend about my foot phobia
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to help me get over it he took his socks off pinned me down and rubbed his foot against my face until i started sobbing
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my boyfriend and i were playing with my pet rabbit when my boyfriend discovered poop on his lap
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as he brushed it off i reminded him that there are a lot worse things in the world than rabbit poop
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almost as if on cue my rabbit peed on both of us
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i realized that every time i hear running water i have less than a minute to find a toilet or ill pee my pants
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i went on a date for the first time in months
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over dessert my date told a joke and i tittered vigorously causing me to choke and throw up all over my date
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my boss decided to post a photo of a piece of crap on facebook
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he tagged me in it
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i found out why my wife insisted on naming our first child george if it was a boy
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it was her first loves name
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i went to the obgyn for my annual and noticed they now supplied babywipes
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after 3 seconds of cleaning the intense burning started
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turns out they were antibacterial bleach wipes
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i found out that the girl who my high school boyfriend cheated on me with is now the woman my husband is having an affair with
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i went to my boyfriends house to meet his parents
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right when i arrived his little sister said shes a lot fatter than you said
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on the way to work i was punched in the balls by a complete stranger
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i found out im getting laid off
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however theyre keeping my coworker who rarely shows up and sleeps all the time when hes there
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my cat sneezed directly into my open eyeball
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im getting over strep throat
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the antibiotics they gave me make me have diarrhea unless i eat yogurt in between each pill
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that wouldnt be so bad if i wasnt lactose-intolerant
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yogurt gives me really bad gas
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so i have to choose between painful gas or diarrhea
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while on my break at work my workmates convinced me to perform my indian accent piece
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everyone laughed while i was doing it
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everyone that is but my indian boss
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during a dinner party some friends brought up how sweet innocent and caring they thought i was
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i had to sit through my drunk boyfriend cut them off and loudly argue that i was neither sweet nor innocent and really nothing that special at all
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i called my boyfriend for a romantic night at home
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i put on my hottest little dress dimmed the lights and put music on
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my boyfriend stumbled in much later drunk and took one look at me before throwing up on my feet
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i had to point out the no shirt no shoes no service sign at my work to an extremely old seemingly intoxicated man wearing an ill fitting speedo
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i put my paycheck in my wallet intending to cash it in the next day
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later on i met up with a friend and went to a party
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i ended up getting so drunk i gave away my $400 check in exchange for a pack of smokes thinking it was a $5 bill
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i went to my dad and new stepmoms house for the week
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upon arrival i was handed mouthwash deodorant and lice shampoo
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the guest bed i was told id be sleeping in was fitted with a plastic mattress cover
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i dont have lice and i dont wet the bed
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i met my boyfriends grandparents for the first time
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when my boyfriend introduced us his grandfather smiled at me took my hand and said in the most polite voice wow youre not nearly as pretty as he described you
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i was in gym class talking to a guy i like
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my friend then decided to come up behind me and pants me pulling down my underwear along with them
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his only comment someone needs to shave
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i went to school prepared to speak in front of a whole bunch of kids and talk about how great my middle school is
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i spent an hour on the speech and took the 45 minute drive there
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turns out the coordinator of the school only called me in to pass out brochures
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i went to the beach
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after applying sunscreen liberally and doing my best to stay out of the sun i came home with the worst sunburn i have ever had
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i almost needed to go to the hospital
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i am officially too pale to be allowed outside in summer
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my mum is convinced im a hoarder
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while i was out of the house she went through my room and threw out stuff i dont need
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this included $500 worth of textbooks a flash drive with crucial work on it and my phone charger
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its been a full week since my last orthodontist appointment and i still cant eat anything besides slimfast and pudding
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i had to explain to my friend why its inappropriate to conduct a phone conversation while simultaneously eating a bagel listening to music and taking a shit
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235
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i woke up early to go to church with my parents
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236
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when i got in the car i was struck with the worst diarrhea ive ever had in my life
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my parents told me id be cleaning the car out when we got there because if we turned around wed be late
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238
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i walked in on my roommate flat-ironing his pubic hair
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239
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i got a call from red cross about the blood donation i gave last week
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240
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they informed me that i have hepatitis c
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241
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i was at my boyfriends house in the bathroom
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242
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i noticed a pregnancy test in the trash can
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243
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he lives alone
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244
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i fed my cats their usual dinner of canned cat food
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245
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without thinking i put the spoon i had used for their food into my mouth so i could use both hands to rinse the can before recycling it
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246
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i asked my parents if i had a college fund because i will be going to university in two years
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247
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they laughed
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248
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i was working in a restaurant
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i stopped to pick up some silverware a customer dropped
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250
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apparently my belt wasnt tight enough because a woman behind me immediately hurled in disgust
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on top of being found revolting im now in trouble for flashing someone
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252
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trying to be cute my boyfriend threw a snowball at me
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253
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this would have been fine had it not been hard enough to break my glasses
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254
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as a college student i have to choose between eating for the next two weeks or replacing them
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255
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i heard my asshole neighbor had died of a stroke
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256
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i was outside and said well its about goddamn time i turned around to see his wife walking her dog and staring deep into my soul
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257
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my boyfriend decided it would be fun to sit on my lap
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in the process he landed on me so hard that he made me hit my head
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then when he turned around his elbow smacked into my nose causing it to break
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260
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my husband and i are both suffering from food poisoning
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261
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he has horrible raging rank smelling explosive diarrhea; i am vomiting every 15 minutes
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262
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we have one bathroom
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263
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my boss asked for recommendations on how to improve the office
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i sent her an e-mail full of my ideas
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later my boss sent me a reply saying heres what head office thinks of your ideas
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it contained a list of insults upper management made about me
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267
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i spent 30 minutes trying to unlock my garage door
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268
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after shouting several profanities my roommate walked up to me turned the key the other way and unlocked it
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269
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an old man started telling me about the high price of meat
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270
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i told him i wouldnt know since im a vegetarian
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271
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his reply was oh most vegetarians are slimmer
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i decided to try a self-tanning lotion my friend had recommended
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i put it on and decided to take a nap
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274
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i woke up later and checked myself in the mirror expecting to see a new more tanned version of myself
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275
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i didnt
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276
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im now orange
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277
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i was drinking a bottle of water
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278
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my friend came up from behind and scared me causing me to inhale and choke on the water
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279
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lacking air i passed out
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280
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i awoke to him on the ground laughing his ass off
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281
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i almost drowned drinking a bottle of water
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282
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i realized the birthmark i have on my chest isnt a birthmark at all; its a third nipple
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283
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+
i was lying on the sofa when the phone rang
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284
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i jumped up to answer in time
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285
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i knocked over my laptop and kicked my guitar into a glass causing it to smash
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286
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+
it was a wrong number
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287
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i got snowed in
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288
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at work
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289
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was the first day of potty training for my toddler
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290
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while watching a how to potty train video i noticed my toddler was making a weird face on the side of the couch
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291
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i walked over to her picked her up and a big pile of poop dropped
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292
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+
i sent a friend request on facebook to the only person i became friends with this semester at college
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293
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he denied me
|
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294
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+
my coworker thought it would be funny to throw my keys up onto the top shelf in storage
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295
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+
im 410
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296
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+
i went to the bathroom and my pee split into 4 different streams none of which actually hit the toilet
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297
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+
i discovered that just because i got my braces removed does not mean my painful mouth ulcers will stop
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298
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+
i now have them under my tongue
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299
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+
i cant even lick my lips
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300
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+
a pretty co-worker invited me out for drinks after my shift
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301
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+
i have no money left until payday
|
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302
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+
embarrassed i had to decline and go home alone
|
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303
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+
some of my classmates brought cupcakes to celebrate my birthday
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304
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+
i took the leftovers with me after class and when my mom picked me up from school she asked what are the cupcakes for
|
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305
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+
as im pregnant my mom came over to do some nice things for me such as clean my kitchen and cook a large pot of my favorite soup
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306
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+
when she left i took a nap planning to eat later
|
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307
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+
i woke up to find my roommates had trashed my kitchen and eaten all my soup
|
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308
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+
i found out my boyfriend is only with me because hes in love with my sister who turned him down repeatedly and im the closest he can now get
|
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309
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+
while parallel parked a car stopped next to me backed up and hit the woman behind him
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310
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+
when she pulled off to the side to check for damage she slammed into me
|
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311
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+
some construction workers kept going in and out the door next to my cubicle
|
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312
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+
they decided it would be easier to just prop the door open for the next hour
|
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313
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+
its 20 degrees outside and im wearing a dress
|
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314
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+
my entire family of five is sharing one roll of toilet paper
|
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315
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+
my parents refuse to buy any because my father can get it free from his work
|
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316
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+
hes forgotten to bring any home every day without fail for the past seven days
|
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317
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+
my baby-crazy mother expressed her concerns that i havent conceived after a whole two months of marriage
|
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318
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+
her advice amounted to get divorced while youre still hot sleep around until you get pregnant then marry the winner
|
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319
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+
when i complained to my father he supported her
|
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320
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+
my husband invited a couple of his college friends over for dinner
|
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321
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+
while we were in the middle of eating one of them asked loudly hey whatever happened to that fat bitch you dated in your third year weve been dating since his second year
|
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322
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+
my step-mom asked if i was having some eating issues
|
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323
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+
i admitted that maybe ive picked up some bad habits from friends and school
|
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324
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+
now she wont stop bombarding me with self-help books and therapy websites
|
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325
|
+
i was applying for a job at a corporate office
|
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326
|
+
everything went fine until i hurled all over the manager who until then seemed to like me
|
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327
|
+
never eat expired canned tuna on the same day as an interview
|
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328
|
+
while going to work i was mugged
|
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329
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+
on the way back i was mugged
|
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330
|
+
at the job ive had for eight years i finally got the raise i was supposed to get a year ago
|
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331
|
+
one hour later i found out the store was closing and we were all out of a job in two weeks
|
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332
|
+
i told my husband i want to lose the baby weight i put on with my recent pregnancy and once i succeed i will go on a clothes shopping spree
|
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333
|
+
to this he remarked so either way im spending money; either on food or on clothes
|
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334
|
+
my boyfriend of a year dumped me by text
|
|
335
|
+
its also the day that the birthday present i ordered for him was finally processed and shipped meaning i cant cancel and get my money back
|
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336
|
+
i found out that my mum has spent the money shes been saving for my wedding on moving house
|
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337
|
+
she called saving for a wedding for me a pointless cause as its probably never going to happen now
|
|
338
|
+
im only 22
|
|
339
|
+
i was on my way to work behind a very slow car
|
|
340
|
+
at a red light the lady came over and punched me in the face for following her too closely
|
|
341
|
+
we are coworkers and our desks are next to each other
|
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342
|
+
i was driving when i saw a spider hanging from the ceiling of my car
|
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343
|
+
im terrified of spiders so i was watching it instead the road
|
|
344
|
+
when i looked back at the road i had just enough time to swerve to miss the fire hydrant but not the tree
|
|
345
|
+
even the cop laughed at me
|
|
346
|
+
i was taking my architecture project to school
|
|
347
|
+
id spent days preparing my little model house
|
|
348
|
+
i stepped outside with it in my hand and right at that moment a gust of wind ripped it away
|
|
349
|
+
its currently lying in my neighbours garden smashed to pieces
|
|
350
|
+
my landlord sent tree cutters to take down a tree in our front yard
|
|
351
|
+
i didnt realize their job included walking around the house and gratuitously staring at me through the window as i dressed
|
|
352
|
+
my boyfriend wont complain because hes afraid our rent will go up in retaliation
|
|
353
|
+
i worked a full day and then went to a three-hour class
|
|
354
|
+
i got home at 9 pm and before the door closed i heard theres a sink full of dishes for you
|
|
355
|
+
there are three able-bodied men in the house all of whom got here hours ago and created that sink full of dishes
|
|
356
|
+
while at training with several of my co-workers i realized i was the only woman
|
|
357
|
+
the only thing one of them said to me the entire day was dude while staring at my chest as i took my coat off in the morning
|
|
358
|
+
my parrot wont stop repeating my boyfriends name
|
|
359
|
+
the problem is we broke up days ago and my parrot wont shut up
|
|
360
|
+
when i went to pick my kid up from daycare i found out that he had run away
|
|
361
|
+
the rest of my afternoon consisted of me screaming his name looking for him
|
|
362
|
+
i then returned to the daycare center
|
|
363
|
+
he thought it would be funny if he hid in the trash
|
|
364
|
+
i discovered my parents have spent my college fund because 2012 will happen before i graduate
|
|
365
|
+
my window got busted and wont shut properly
|
|
366
|
+
i live in a college dorm room and maintenance says they cant fix it for a couple of days
|
|
367
|
+
its below freezing in my dorm and i can see my breath while trying sleep
|
|
368
|
+
i was in a shopping centre when a little girl was running up and down the aisles
|
|
369
|
+
she started to fall over so i put my hand out to catch her
|
|
370
|
+
her mother then ran up to me and screamed about me touching her child so loud that everyone could hear
|
|
371
|
+
i was tending the cash register
|
|
372
|
+
i scanned a ladys items which totaled $89
|
|
373
|
+
she paid with a $100 bill
|
|
374
|
+
i gave her $11
|
|
375
|
+
32 change
|
|
376
|
+
she angrily gave back the extra dollar and complained about schools nowadays
|
|
377
|
+
im an ap calculus student
|
|
378
|
+
my daughter was expelled from her school for beating another kindergartener with a dr
|
|
379
|
+
seuss book
|
|
380
|
+
i cleaned my entire apartment hoping to find the source of the terrible odor ive been smelling for the past week
|
|
381
|
+
its me
|
|
382
|
+
while working at a dollar store i was clobbered by a woman because apparently i was ripping her off by charging two dollars for two doughnuts
|
|
383
|
+
she didnt understand that she couldnt buy multiple items at once for one dollar
|
|
384
|
+
i had to do 40 squats with a medicine ball
|
|
385
|
+
i always made fun of medicine balls my whole life because they looked so easy that even senior citizens did them
|
|
386
|
+
i passed out in the middle of the gym
|
|
387
|
+
while snow plowing i accidentally ran over my kids basketball
|
|
388
|
+
i told him what had happened and he responded by spilling his ant farm into my underwear drawer
|
|
389
|
+
i had to repeat my order in starbucks three times because the barista was staring at my chest
|
|
390
|
+
i after getting off the bus i realized that the man i was talking to was distracting me so his buddy could steal my wallet
|
|
391
|
+
i got my car back from the shop
|
|
392
|
+
the engine has been rebuilt twice in the past 3 months
|
|
393
|
+
my check engine light just came on
|
|
394
|
+
i had my first job interview in months
|
|
395
|
+
the interviewer started by introducing herself and asking how i was
|
|
396
|
+
i got caught between introducing myself and telling her how i was and replied im kate thanks
|
|
397
|
+
someone posted online a listing for a bicycle for sale and accidentally put my phone number instead of their own
|
|
398
|
+
i have received more calls in one day than i have from friends and family in a week
|
|
399
|
+
i got off work and checked my makeup in the mirror once i got in my car
|
|
400
|
+
i had a huge piece of spinach on my front tooth that no one told me about
|
|
401
|
+
i work the front desk of an upscale hotel and have been greeting guests all day
|
|
402
|
+
i fell down a flight of stairs
|
|
403
|
+
the guy behind me was kind enough to ask if i was okay
|
|
404
|
+
he then called his friends over so they could laugh at me
|
|
405
|
+
a friend asked me to come with her to the art building at school so i could pose in the stance of a figure she was drawing for her exam
|
|
406
|
+
i obliged and sat for the pose
|
|
407
|
+
when the art teacher walked by she looked at me then at the sketch pointed to the legs and said make them fatter
|
|
408
|
+
after staying up all night at my friends house i woke up to something i couldnt identify on my cheek so i slapped it away
|
|
409
|
+
when i heard crying i opened my eyes and realized it was my friends three year old sister who was trying to be sweet by kissing me on the cheek
|
|
410
|
+
i had a rude awakening after a traffic accident the day before
|
|
411
|
+
id fled the scene to avoid having to pay hefty damage fines
|
|
412
|
+
i would have gotten away with it too if my license plate hadnt fallen off and incriminated me
|
|
413
|
+
i clocked into work completely exhausted despite having gone to bed early
|
|
414
|
+
my roommates stayed up until 4am watching a movie blasting music and constantly giggling like madwomen
|
|
415
|
+
this is their new and improved schedule
|
|
416
|
+
while playing with my cat she decided to give me a surprise nipple piercing with her claws
|
|
417
|
+
i mailed out a college application that is going to another country
|
|
418
|
+
i paid $250 for the application and $11 for shipping
|
|
419
|
+
i just realized that i forgot to sign the bottom of the application
|
|
420
|
+
my boyfriend and i spent 30 minutes listening to my grandmother telling us that my cat is a medium
|
|
421
|
+
my boyfriend is totally convinced
|
|
422
|
+
we got a speeding ticket in the mail with my drunk daughters picture on it
|
|
423
|
+
she was waving at the camera
|
|
424
|
+
i posted a status on facebook saying i was depressed and needed someone to talk to
|
|
425
|
+
someone commented on it saying just kill yourself
|
|
426
|
+
it got 20 likes
|
|
427
|
+
its the 3 month anniversary marking the day two friends and i shaved our heads as a show of solidarity for a friend starting chemo
|
|
428
|
+
her prognosis is good and her hair only thinned slightly
|
|
429
|
+
we on the other hand look like a motley crew of lesbian biker chicks
|
|
430
|
+
my class went to berlin
|
|
431
|
+
at the subway station our teacher told us to get on the next train
|
|
432
|
+
i was the first one to get on and the only one who didnt hear her saying: wait thats the wrong one im lost in a city ive never been before
|
|
433
|
+
i went on the first date of my life
|
|
434
|
+
i also burped during my first kiss
|
|
435
|
+
i found out my dad has a folder full of baby pictures and things that i drew when i was younger labeled shit from when annie was cute
|
|
436
|
+
i went to dinner with friends for my birthday
|
|
437
|
+
during the whole thing they insisted that we get whatever we wanted and celebrate but when the check came they all looked at me expectantly
|
|
438
|
+
i just bought my friends $150 of food for my birthday present
|
|
439
|
+
i went to the grocery store with my moms boyfriend
|
|
440
|
+
we were in the bread aisle when he picked up a loaf that was in my hand and said no no you have to feel the bread and started rubbing it all over his body
|
|
441
|
+
hes moving in next week
|
|
442
|
+
i was told by my girlfriend that in the thralls of my drunken haze last night i tried to french-kiss her mom
|
|
443
|
+
i hit a deer with a rental car
|
|
444
|
+
which i had to rent because i hit a deer with my car last week
|
|
445
|
+
i decided to play a friendly game of clue with my family
|
|
446
|
+
this resulted in one kid crying one dad with a broken nose two broken plates and a trip to walmart to get a new clue game
|
|
447
|
+
we were celebrating my birthday and my boyfriend thought it would be funny to shove my face in the cake
|
|
448
|
+
while the candles were still lit
|
|
449
|
+
my maths teacher was giving my whole class a lecture on if you dont pay attention at school you will fail
|
|
450
|
+
she then pointed out out a man working on the roof and said: if you dont listen you will end up like that guy
|
|
451
|
+
that was my dad
|
|
452
|
+
i found out everyone in my family thought the red toothbrush was theirs and that all four of us have been using the same toothbrush for months
|
|
453
|
+
im 19 years old and having never been on a date i agreed to let my friend set me up
|
|
454
|
+
he was adorable young with blond hair and blue eyes
|
|
455
|
+
and 4 years old
|
|
456
|
+
my friend tricked me into babysitting
|
|
457
|
+
one of my boyfriends friends ranted on about how i am such a crappy girlfriend and how all of his friends dont like me
|
|
458
|
+
i just spent over $200 on a surprise party that i invited them all to last weekend
|
|
459
|
+
i went to get a tattoo of my girlfriends name to surprise her
|
|
460
|
+
halfway through the tattooing she called and broke up with me
|
|
461
|
+
for an eight hour flight to copenhagen denmark i paid extra to get a seat offering more leg room
|
|
462
|
+
unfortunately the man behind me was so tall his knees were pressing against my back the entire flight
|
|
463
|
+
i bleached my hair
|
|
464
|
+
not only did it fry it also has a very noticeable green tint and because of the damage i cant dye it again for a while
|
|
465
|
+
now i keep getting asked why so serious by my friends
|
|
466
|
+
i finished working a weeks overtime managing admin stock finances and three members of staff
|
|
467
|
+
i realised that despite all my extra work i actually earn less per hour than the students who only work on the weekends
|
|
468
|
+
i discovered that ive lost thirty pounds since having my second child
|
|
469
|
+
however i still weigh just as much as i did when i was full-term with my first child
|
|
470
|
+
i found out that my over protective brother is going to move in with me when he gets out of jail
|
|
471
|
+
my chances of ever being in a relationship are now next to zero
|
|
472
|
+
i was on a plane
|
|
473
|
+
when my flight attendant brought me my drink it had a lid and a straw
|
|
474
|
+
he told me very seriously not to spill
|
|
475
|
+
no one else got a lid
|
|
476
|
+
im 18 and apparently i look spill-prone
|
|
477
|
+
i watched as a guy hit my car laugh when he saw me running towards him and drive away
|
|
478
|
+
i found out that i cant pass a field sobriety test while sober
|
|
479
|
+
i signed my own plaster-cast to make people believe that i actually have friends
|
|
480
|
+
and ever since i was born ive had a lazy eye
|
|
481
|
+
this morning my boyfriend broke up with me
|
|
482
|
+
he thought it was funny to state that we just werent looking at life in the same way
|
|
483
|
+
my boyfriend sent me a picture of his morning dump because it was heart-shaped
|
|
484
|
+
in the middle of the night my girlfriend whispered are you asleep i chose not to respond to see what shed do
|
|
485
|
+
she then let rip a loud stinking fart giggled and went back to sleep
|
|
486
|
+
my dadâs best friend who has been his business associate for the past 28 years took me to a star wars store for my 18th birthday
|
|
487
|
+
he put on a darth vader helmet and imitating his voice said: i am your father
|
|
488
|
+
i laughed
|
|
489
|
+
it wasnât a joke
|
|
490
|
+
in dance class the instructor asked me to demonstrate the splits to the group
|
|
491
|
+
i slid down my legs opening wider as i descended
|
|
492
|
+
i then loudly farted for the full 5 seconds it took to reach the ground
|
|
493
|
+
during a drunken night out a really trashed friend said to me jeez even when iâm drunk youre really ugly
|
|
494
|
+
i was quietly reading in the subway when all of a sudden at a station the man sitting next to me stood up slapped me yelled bitch and rushed off the train
|
|
495
|
+
i broke my nose by sneezing too close to a table
|
|
496
|
+
in high school we had a presentation about sex condoms etc
|
|
497
|
+
after a while the lady explained that we should get to know our sexual organs better
|
|
498
|
+
for example my daughter looks at her vagina in front of a mirror to check it out
|
|
499
|
+
iâm her daughter
|
|
500
|
+
my girlfriend gave herself a black eye by running into a door
|
|
501
|
+
to avoid being teased about her clumsiness shes telling everyone that i beat her
|
|
502
|
+
my boyfriend moved
|
|
503
|
+
he moved from my room
|
|
504
|
+
to my housemates room
|
|
505
|
+
at the supermarket my mother stopped in the middle of a lane and imitated a gorilla as a way of asking me from far away if i wanted any bananas
|
|
506
|
+
i went to the er after a fall
|
|
507
|
+
before the nurse did an x-ray she gave me a pregnancy test
|
|
508
|
+
it came back negative
|
|
509
|
+
i joked no martians have crawled into my uterus then she didnt get it and i had my head scanned for brain trauma
|
|
510
|
+
never crack a joke in a hospital
|
|
511
|
+
the girl i really liked started talking to me so i asked her out on a date
|
|
512
|
+
after waiting an hour at the theatre i texted her asking where she was
|
|
513
|
+
she replied with oh you were serious about the date
|
|
514
|
+
i brought my boyfriend of 2 weeks home to meet my mom and she started talking about how she really wants a lot of grand-kids
|
|
515
|
+
he called 2 hours later and broke up with me
|
|
516
|
+
i had to blow my nose
|
|
517
|
+
trying to be a considerate roommate i tiptoed over to the bathroom in the dark which would have been fine if i hadnt tripped over a chair and crushed the art project that shes been working on for the past month
|
|
518
|
+
after some filing mistakes and a lot of waiting on hold im finally registered for spring classes
|
|
519
|
+
i was ready to enjoy this term until i found out that my ex who was forced into therapy after he threatened to kill me is in half of my classes
|
|
520
|
+
i was at the grocery store with my dad
|
|
521
|
+
he let out a very silent but foul abomination of a fart
|
|
522
|
+
the people behind us started gagging so he turned pointed at me and said that was my daughter
|
|
523
|
+
i have a cold and need to blow my nose all the time
|
|
524
|
+
the problem is that every time i blow my nose i get a nosebleed
|
|
525
|
+
when i breathe through my mouth i have a coughing fit
|
|
526
|
+
so i have to choose between not breathing coughing up mucus or blowing blood
|
|
527
|
+
my boyfriend proposed to me with a voice card
|
|
528
|
+
it said marry me amber im not amber
|
|
529
|
+
thats his ex
|
|
530
|
+
my extremely lazy roommate is in bed with the flu
|
|
531
|
+
instead of getting up to get water hes run the garden hose through his window and instead of going to the bathroom hes connected a siphon to his penis and run it to a 5-gallon bucket
|
|
532
|
+
i have to live with this idiot
|
|
533
|
+
my friends were acting strange around me
|
|
534
|
+
this afternoon i got a text asking me to meet them out for a couple of drinks
|
|
535
|
+
because of all the strange acting i decided to tell them id go and then not go
|
|
536
|
+
i just found out they had been planning me a surprise party
|
|
537
|
+
i rode home alone on a train
|
|
538
|
+
i accidentally missed my stop but wasnt worried about it
|
|
539
|
+
my mom did not share my optimism and actually called the train company saying that i was lost and special
|
|
540
|
+
they thought she meant i was retarded
|
|
541
|
+
they wouldnt believe me when i said i wasnt
|
|
542
|
+
i took the time to make myself look nice just so that the pizza guy would think i had a life
|
|
543
|
+
i let my dogs out and then realized they didnt have their electric fence collars on
|
|
544
|
+
i ran inside to get the collars then dashed out to put them on my dogs
|
|
545
|
+
i ran through the electric fence
|
|
546
|
+
the collars were on
|
|
547
|
+
i found out that since no other procedures are working i was required to stop eating and drink a bunch of fowl tasting goo which will in turn give me constant diarrhea
|
|
548
|
+
this will then prepare me nicely for the long tube with a camera on the end of which will be shoved up my rectum
|
|
549
|
+
my friends thought itd be funny to hold lighters under the smoke alarms while i was sleeping
|
|
550
|
+
i was going to the bathroom at my boyfriends house
|
|
551
|
+
i had awful diarrhea and was almost done when i noticed a spider on the ground
|
|
552
|
+
being terrified i took a giant ball of toilet paper to kill it
|
|
553
|
+
i realized then that i had no toilet paper left to use
|
|
554
|
+
i drove to buy new sneakers to work out and lose weight
|
|
555
|
+
coming out of the store i saw someone had parked too close to me
|
|
556
|
+
i had to beg a stranger to back my car out for me because no matter how i tried i couldnt get into the drivers seat
|
|
557
|
+
i found out that its extremely difficult to take a dump while holding a cup under your ass for a lab specimen
|
|
558
|
+
i also found out that you get so nervous that you can actually forget to lock the door
|
|
559
|
+
i worked out that if i paid the minimum monthly amount on my student loans id be paying them until im 65
|
|
560
|
+
at work i spent half an hour on the phone with a customer
|
|
561
|
+
at the end of the conversation as he was putting down the phone i heard him say god he was a miserable git
|
|
562
|
+
im a 28 year old woman
|
|
563
|
+
i called my boss and said i have been awake since 3am throwing up
|
|
564
|
+
he replied with great see you at 9 and hung up
|
|
565
|
+
i planned on introducing my fiancé to my parents
|
|
566
|
+
after the introductions and telling him how i hoped our relationship would have the same amount of love and commitment that has lasted my mother and father for 25 years my parents awkwardly announced their imminent divorce
|
|
567
|
+
at work i helped out an employee who was having trouble
|
|
568
|
+
i even bought her a bottle of water
|
|
569
|
+
after the production manager decided to fire her on the spot she went out in the parking lot and broke into several cars including mine
|
|
570
|
+
my boyfriend spent an hour lecturing me on how i need to ask for what i want
|
|
571
|
+
so i asked him to delete a crappy picture hed taken of me the night before
|
|
572
|
+
his response: no you dont always get what you want
|
|
573
|
+
a patient at the hospital i work at had a tracheal tube and couldnt speak
|
|
574
|
+
im unable to read lips but im pretty sure he was mouthing the words stupid bitch every time i tried to stop him from pulling out his iv
|
|
575
|
+
i was in the cafeteria at a table near the guy i like
|
|
576
|
+
he was playing around with a ball with a couple of his friends
|
|
577
|
+
they dropped it and it rolled over next to my foot
|
|
578
|
+
when i bent down to pick it up i smashed my head against a chair
|
|
579
|
+
it was my daughters birthday
|
|
580
|
+
she had been wanting a cat for a long time so i went to the animal shelter and got an orange one
|
|
581
|
+
as soon as she saw it she ran upstairs screaming ginger ginger she refuses to come downstairs until i get rid of the soulless creature
|
|
582
|
+
i was talking to a co-worker about birth control
|
|
583
|
+
ten minutes later i went to my sent e-mails to copy and reuse an old e-mail and realized i had sent i tried calling you but your birth control is not working to a student
|
|
584
|
+
it was supposed to say voicemail
|
|
585
|
+
i bought something special at victorias secret then sat in bumper-to-bumper traffic for 2 hours to get to my boyfriends house
|
|
586
|
+
when i got there he broke up with me
|
|
587
|
+
were 37 years old and he actually gave me the its not you its me speech
|
|
588
|
+
i came to school really sick because i had to take an important exam
|
|
589
|
+
after i finally finished i accidentally sneezed on my answer sheet right before turning it in
|
|
590
|
+
the teacher refused to take it
|
|
591
|
+
i rented a 4x4 to take my wife to a secret secluded beach for our anniversary
|
|
592
|
+
i got as close as i could to the spot and parked on the beach
|
|
593
|
+
after a few romantic hours we returned to find the car half way up the windows with water
|
|
594
|
+
i forgot it was king tide
|
|
595
|
+
i wrote a mental note: dont tell a couple of nuns that you used black magic to fix their computer
|
|
596
|
+
then dont tell the story to your boss just as the nuns walk back in again
|
|
597
|
+
then dont say speak of the devil to them
|
|
598
|
+
i wanted to do something special for my upcoming second anniversary with my girlfriend so i decided to make a short animation of our lives together since we were preschoolers
|
|
599
|
+
in the middle of working on the storyboard she called and broke up with me
|
|
600
|
+
i was shopping at walmart when a large lady and her friend blocked the aisle i was trying to go down
|
|
601
|
+
after saying excuse me twice and being ignored i pushed my way through
|
|
602
|
+
after getting past i looked back and noticed she was glaring at me while signing to her friend
|
|
603
|
+
i dozed off during a lecture
|
|
604
|
+
when i woke up i didnt recognize any of the people surrounding me and i saw one guy pointing and laughing at me
|
|
605
|
+
it turns out my professor instructed everyone to let me sleep because he wanted to see how long it would be before i woke up
|
|
606
|
+
i was asleep three hours
|
|
607
|
+
i called my ex boyfriend to tell him that not only am i still in love with him im also three months pregnant with his child
|
|
608
|
+
upon hearing the news he swore called me a pathetic liar swore some more and hung up on me
|
|
609
|
+
i called the college of my dreams to check the status of my application
|
|
610
|
+
turns out they never received copies of my transcripts
|
|
611
|
+
they did however cash the $70 application fee that was mailed with them
|
|
612
|
+
my extremely superstitious girlfriend called me and said she couldnt make it to the date i had planned tonight
|
|
613
|
+
her reason i sense something horrible is going to happen
|
|
614
|
+
i was planning to propose
|
|
615
|
+
i found out how hard a lemon is to the nuts when being hurled by an angry girlfriend for losing at wii sports
|
|
616
|
+
i now know why my next-door neighbour cant look me in the eye without smirking
|
|
617
|
+
he can hear every grunt groan fart and strain that happens in my bathroom from his bathroom
|
|
618
|
+
i hit a dead deer that had been left in the middle of the road
|
|
619
|
+
my car started to make a funny noise and smell so i pulled over to check it thinking i blew the tire on some antlers
|
|
620
|
+
the deer got stuck in my front wheel and id dragged it more than a mile
|
|
621
|
+
and it wasnt actually dead
|
|
622
|
+
i treated myself to a cheeseburger
|
|
623
|
+
i left it on my coffee table while i grabbed a napkin from the kitchen
|
|
624
|
+
while i was gone my dog ate it
|
|
625
|
+
then puked it up all over my carpet
|
|
626
|
+
which i then had to clean up
|
|
627
|
+
my boyfriend broke up with me because im high maintenance
|
|
628
|
+
id only asked him to use deodorant and brush his teeth
|
|
629
|
+
he hasnt had a shower in over a week
|
|
630
|
+
trying to be an old-school romantic i asked my girlfriend where art thou my love via sms
|
|
631
|
+
she replied toilet
|
|
632
|
+
i braved the winter weather conditions to get to a clinic for a prescription anti-diarrhea medication
|
|
633
|
+
when i arrived to find it closed i turned around to walk to my car where i slipped on the ice
|
|
634
|
+
the impact made me simultaneously bruise my elbow and shit myself
|
|
635
|
+
after months of living with my roommates horrific snoring i looked over to see her sleeping quietly
|
|
636
|
+
elated that i might actually get a full night of rest for once i went to bed
|
|
637
|
+
just as my eyelids began to droop she started making vile hissing sounds
|
|
638
|
+
yes hissing
|
|
639
|
+
i went out to my car only to find my battery had died the night before
|
|
640
|
+
with the wind chill it was -20°f outside
|
|
641
|
+
with the hood open and jumper cables in one hand i tried to flag down a passing motorist for help
|
|
642
|
+
a man in a truck slowed down sarcastically waved at me and kept driving
|
|
643
|
+
my boyfriends mother who lives with us decided that since i work from home it would be a good idea for her to stay home and keep me company
|
|
644
|
+
keeping me company includes ordering me to make her food gossiping non stop and ridiculing me for not being the woman that she always saw her son marrying
|
|
645
|
+
when taking a group picture with my closest friends a passing parent congratulated us on getting into the same university for next year
|
|
646
|
+
shes wrong
|
|
647
|
+
theyre all going to cambridge except for me
|
|
648
|
+
i was rejected
|
|
649
|
+
i took the motherboard out of my computer so i could put more ram and a new video card in
|
|
650
|
+
while i was in the bathroom my mom threw it all out because it looked like garbage
|
|
651
|
+
i had the day off from work
|
|
652
|
+
i did all the chores hoping to free up time to spend with my husband tonight
|
|
653
|
+
when he came home he looked around and decided that since there was no need for him to stick around and help clean hed head to the bar to watch the game with the guys
|
|
654
|
+
i was at my girlfriends house and had to go to the bathroom
|
|
655
|
+
while peeing i had a cough attack
|
|
656
|
+
the cough shook my body making me pee all over my pants
|
|
657
|
+
my girlfriends parents just arrived
|
|
658
|
+
my friends and i were messing around with an app on my phone that makes your picture look fat
|
|
659
|
+
my picture looked the same before and after
|
|
660
|
+
while skiing i really needed to pee
|
|
661
|
+
the instructor pointed me towards some bushes
|
|
662
|
+
i slid over to them and pulled my panties down
|
|
663
|
+
my skis then started sliding back down the slope
|
|
664
|
+
i ended up gliding through the bushes all the way down to the rest of the group
|
|
665
|
+
a friend and i saw some deer outside my car
|
|
666
|
+
since we were both leaving for college the next day we wanted to do something memorable so we decided to chase the deer
|
|
667
|
+
turns out the deer wanted to chase us too
|
|
668
|
+
we ran for over five minutes screaming
|
|
669
|
+
my drunken father decided to walk my quiet street naked
|
|
670
|
+
i sneaked into my girlfriends house for some romantic time
|
|
671
|
+
before going into her room i took a dump in the bathroom
|
|
672
|
+
once i was done i not only noticed that there was no toilet paper left but i heard her and her 65 heavyweight boxer ex-marine father talking outside the bathroom door
|
|
673
|
+
my parents confiscated my ipod because the parents group they go to came to the conclusion that music is a gateway to anti-social behavior
|
|
674
|
+
my girlfriend called me to pick her up from jail
|
|
675
|
+
shed been arrested for indecent exposure
|
|
676
|
+
while walking across campus i stopped to look at my reflection in a window
|
|
677
|
+
i straightened my bra straps and then turned to the side to dig a wedgie out
|
|
678
|
+
it wasnt until i heard peals of laughter that i realized i couldnt see in the classroom but they could see out
|
|
679
|
+
i discovered i have bed bugs
|
|
680
|
+
i have nowhere else to sleep and i wont be able to afford a new mattress for at least a year
|
|
681
|
+
id better get used to these giant welts
|
|
682
|
+
while at the vending machine i put in my $20 instead of my $1
|
|
683
|
+
i got my change back in quarters
|
|
684
|
+
i was doing karaoke with my girlfriends family when the 5 year old came over and shut off my microphone
|
|
685
|
+
i went to the hospital to visit my aunt and her newborn baby
|
|
686
|
+
the receptionist gave me the room number and i went and my aunt was in the bathroom so i cuddle the baby only to find that the woman who came out of the bathroom was a complete stranger
|
|
687
|
+
i was holding her baby
|
|
688
|
+
my best friend came over for dinner and a movie
|
|
689
|
+
moments after arriving she spent an hour on the phone and ended up accepting another invitation before leaving
|
|
690
|
+
i guess its dinner for one tonight
|
|
691
|
+
i was at my doctors office
|
|
692
|
+
i thought i had a kidney stone
|
|
693
|
+
turns out im pregnant and i have a kidney stone
|
|
694
|
+
we ordered pizza
|
|
695
|
+
a long wait and several phone calls later we found out that someone met the delivery person at the end of our driveway signed our receipt and stole our pizza
|
|
696
|
+
way to check the credit card pizza people
|
|
697
|
+
my boyfriend tickled me
|
|
698
|
+
in between laughs i warned him that i was going to pee myself
|
|
699
|
+
he didnt believe me
|
|
700
|
+
after i actually did he suggested we use a safety word from now on so that he will know when im being serious
|
|
701
|
+
i had a panic attack because i was constipated
|
|
702
|
+
i woke up patted my dog and kissed his nose
|
|
703
|
+
he was dead
|
|
704
|
+
i was at a fire roasting marshmallows
|
|
705
|
+
when mine caught on fire i pulled it back so i could blow out the flames
|
|
706
|
+
it flew off the stick and still flaming landed on my face
|
|
707
|
+
i was grounded for not agreeing with an article on dating my mom found in a very strict magazine
|
|
708
|
+
the article told parents to monitor phone calls make rumors about their children cheating on people and not allow their children anywhere but home
|
|
709
|
+
i went to the eye doctor
|
|
710
|
+
for the past three days every time i wear my glasses i become nauseous get migraines and have that fish-eye view where everything is rounded
|
|
711
|
+
turns out they placed my lenses on the wrong sides
|
|
712
|
+
i was driving to a blind date my friend set me up on
|
|
713
|
+
feeling pretty excited i started singing to katy perry
|
|
714
|
+
i look over to see a man laughing at me i flipped him the bird and drove off
|
|
715
|
+
little did i know he was my date
|
|
716
|
+
my husband has been painting our house all weekend and plans to finish the job after work today
|
|
717
|
+
i decided to surprise him by completing the job myself
|
|
718
|
+
painting the last window frame i dropped the open tin of white paint right onto our car roof
|
|
719
|
+
i got into a car accident
|
|
720
|
+
why i was distracted by a floating spec of dust and was pretending i was in space
|
|
721
|
+
i realised that my husbands vows were actually the love speech from when harry met sally
|
|
722
|
+
this was made even more humiliating when i discovered that he hadnt even come up with the idea himself he had seen it in an episode of scrubs
|
|
723
|
+
i was backing out of my snowy drive way on my way to work
|
|
724
|
+
i thought i hit a lump of snow
|
|
725
|
+
id run over my white cat
|
|
726
|
+
was my first day at a new job
|
|
727
|
+
i was really pleased with how much positive attention i was getting in a mainly male office
|
|
728
|
+
guess whose shirt was see-through
|
|
729
|
+
while at school i slipped on a wet patch in the hall and fell over smacking my head against the floor
|
|
730
|
+
i laid there for a good five minutes in agonizing pain while people literally walked over me
|
|
731
|
+
not a single person bothered to help me up or ask if i was okay
|
|
732
|
+
my boyfriend had to give me an enema
|
|
733
|
+
while at the urinal doing my business my trousers fell all the way to the ground
|
|
734
|
+
as i bent down to pull them back up my boss walked in the bathroom and thought i was mooning him
|
|
735
|
+
my apartment got robbed
|
|
736
|
+
my book-in-progress should keep them company
|
|
737
|
+
i got turned down from a job i really wanted
|
|
738
|
+
six hours later the guy called me again and delivered the same news not realizing he had already called this morning
|
|
739
|
+
thanks for rubbing it in
|
|
740
|
+
i got pulled over for a traffic violation
|
|
741
|
+
thinking i could get away with it i spoke with a french accent
|
|
742
|
+
the officer then asked me a question in perfect french
|
|
743
|
+
i got a ticket
|
|
744
|
+
i was waiting for my girlfriend i wanted to have a serious talk about her hypochondria
|
|
745
|
+
she called to cancel because she was (self) diagnosed with some sort of neurological disorder
|
|
746
|
+
my uncle had a flashback to vietnam
|
|
747
|
+
im now missing a tooth and have a cracked rib
|
|
748
|
+
during pe i got hit in the face with the ball
|
|
749
|
+
everyone cheered because we got 5 extra points
|
|
750
|
+
no one asked if i was okay
|
|
751
|
+
my grandpa came over to help paint our house as we are renovating it
|
|
752
|
+
the only paint clothes he decided to wear were his underpants
|
|
753
|
+
the neighbours and builders found this quite amusing
|
|
754
|
+
i was watching tv in my living room while my wife was cooking
|
|
755
|
+
i began to smell the aroma of her potato soup which made me hungry
|
|
756
|
+
suddenly i realized that the smell wasnt my wifes cooking but was in fact my body odor
|
|
757
|
+
i accidentally dropped my engagement ring down a sewer
|
|
758
|
+
to my surprise the sewer water was frozen and my ring sat on top
|
|
759
|
+
during my efforts to retrieve it i had to watch as the ice slowly melted due to the warm day
|
|
760
|
+
the ring sank further and further until it was completely gone
|
|
761
|
+
i had to tell my boyfriend to stop inviting his mother on our dates
|
|
762
|
+
i spent all day preparing a big elaborate italian dinner for my boyfriend who recently discovered he was part italian
|
|
763
|
+
he came home turned up his nose and said i was in the mood for chinese
|
|
764
|
+
i let my friend borrow my car
|
|
765
|
+
she parked it in a towing zone and it was towed
|
|
766
|
+
the best part is it was towed by a bogus towing company
|
|
767
|
+
the cops assure me its safe in a chop shop somewhere
|
|
768
|
+
my college professor handed every student a note card and told us to rate his looks from 1 to 5
|
|
769
|
+
is this what i pay $20000 a year for
|
|
770
|
+
my 4 year old cousin is staying overnight
|
|
771
|
+
every time i fall asleep he wakes me up to tell me i fell asleep
|
|
772
|
+
i found out that ive been paying student fees for the wrong account
|
|
773
|
+
apparently i have been paying for some other students tuition
|
|
774
|
+
after mourning and making my girlfriend cancel her big birthday party i found out my grandma didnt actually die
|
|
775
|
+
my boyfriend thought the garbage can in our kitchen smelled bad
|
|
776
|
+
instead of cleaning it he had it equipped with a wunderbaum
|
|
777
|
+
our entire house now smells like new car
|
|
778
|
+
i was dumped
|
|
779
|
+
i ran home and cried and ranted on and on to my mother
|
|
780
|
+
after about 10 minutes of talking she threw a book at my face and said no wonder he dumped you you cant shut up
|
|
781
|
+
i was denied food stamp assistance
|
|
782
|
+
apparently you need to work 20 hours a week while being a full time student to qualify or have a work study
|
|
783
|
+
i was recently suspended from my work study for calling off because my aunt died and if i worked 20 hours a week why would i need food stamps
|
|
784
|
+
my cat pissed in my zen garden
|
|
785
|
+
i woke up to my new roommate staring at me just a few inches from my face
|
|
786
|
+
she then told me how easy i would be to kill in my sleep
|
|
787
|
+
then she stood up naked from head to toe
|
|
788
|
+
i was doing my grocery shopping absent-mindedly wondering if my new diet was working
|
|
789
|
+
i got my answer when my panties fell down around my ankles
|
|
790
|
+
i discovered my fiancé has been telling everyone else we are just friends yet last night he wanted me to go with him to pick up my engagement ring
|
|
791
|
+
im supposing the wedding will be a surprise to everyone
|
|
792
|
+
i woke up to a pile of hair on my floor
|
|
793
|
+
i looked in the mirror and realized the hair was from my head
|
|
794
|
+
i had a dream about cutting my hair and i guess it came true
|
|
795
|
+
i got my phone fixed and the lady who was working on it somehow resent all the old text messages in my outbox
|
|
796
|
+
one was to my ex saying i love you
|
|
797
|
+
the guy who sits next to me in my psychology class openly admitted to torturing animals as a child
|
|
798
|
+
its going to be a long semester
|
|
799
|
+
my power went out due to a huge snow storm
|
|
800
|
+
i was in desperate need of candles and flashlights
|
|
801
|
+
i had to walk to the store since the roads were closed
|
|
802
|
+
i walked 4 miles in the blizzard
|
|
803
|
+
when i got home the power came back on
|
|
804
|
+
as i was walking home i passed some little girls who threw a bunch of snowballs at me
|
|
805
|
+
i dodged every single one ran away laughing and gave them the finger
|
|
806
|
+
i then ran into a snowman
|
|
807
|
+
i had a stranger scream at me that i was a whore and i was trying to steal her boyfriend
|
|
808
|
+
she then said my full name stating my previous hair colour my recent activities and that her boyfriend had been my year nine dance partner
|
|
809
|
+
i officially have a stalker
|
|
810
|
+
at work whilst on hold to an important client i said to my co-workers f*cking hell this woman sounds high as a kite
|
|
811
|
+
i heard a cough on the other end of the phone
|
|
812
|
+
all calls are recorded
|
|
813
|
+
i was out with my boyfriend and i had an epileptic fit
|
|
814
|
+
he had never seen me have one and it freaked him out
|
|
815
|
+
he rang me later to dump me as he didnt want to go out with someone who acted like a spaz in public
|
|
816
|
+
i was getting a flight home
|
|
817
|
+
id worn a belt because my skirt was too big
|
|
818
|
+
when i walked through security they asked me to remove my belt
|
|
819
|
+
my skirt fell down in front of everyone
|
|
820
|
+
i was running late for school because i had a huge stomach ache
|
|
821
|
+
to save on time i took a taxi
|
|
822
|
+
when the taxi driver hit a bump i lost control of my bowels and shit myself
|
|
823
|
+
not only do i have to wash my underwear in the sink at school now but i had to pay the driver extra to remove the smell from his car
|
|
824
|
+
i found out that the money my boyfriend has secretly been putting away for the last two months is not for an engagement ring like id thought but for a trip to vegas im not invited to
|
|
825
|
+
i finally felt well enough to take an actual shower after having surgery on my back
|
|
826
|
+
it took five minutes to stand up ten minutes to get to the shower and another ten minutes to get in
|
|
827
|
+
the pilot light went out in less than five minutes
|
|
828
|
+
i went to the doctors office for an appointment
|
|
829
|
+
after waiting for ages i asked the receptionist what the delay was
|
|
830
|
+
apparently i had no standing appointment today
|
|
831
|
+
this is coming from the same receptionist who checked me in nearly two hours ago
|
|
832
|
+
i received a bouquet of flowers from my boyfriend which is something hes never done before
|
|
833
|
+
unfortunately this was his way of apologizing for cheating on me
|
|
834
|
+
i found out that i have to reschedule my upcoming honeymoon because my office will be understaffed that week due to the boss going on vacation right after my wedding
|
|
835
|
+
oh yeah and hes in my bridal party
|
|
836
|
+
my roommate decided to prank me by leaving a fake suicide note on the bathroom door and lying motionless in a bathtub full of water and red coloring
|
|
837
|
+
when i went horrified to take a closer look he lunged at me and screamed
|
|
838
|
+
i was so scared i pissed myself
|
|
839
|
+
i came home to find a note on my door
|
|
840
|
+
i thought it was from my elderly disabled neighbors thanking me for cleaning off their snow covered car since about 6 inches came down
|
|
841
|
+
it was from them only it said i owed them for damages to their car
|
|
842
|
+
damages that were already there
|
|
843
|
+
i wrote a poem and was very proud of it
|
|
844
|
+
i showed it to my mom
|
|
845
|
+
after reading it her response was what is this shit
|
|
846
|
+
my fiancé and i just moved into our first apartment together
|
|
847
|
+
our neighbor across the hall my ex-boyfriend who ive had to file three separate restraining orders on
|
|
848
|
+
i received the special present my mother had sent me for my 21st birthday
|
|
849
|
+
i opened the box and saw that my mother had picked out accessorized and shipped to me in college a doll
|
|
850
|
+
at work a homeless woman called me trash threw her coffee at me and told me to get a job
|
|
851
|
+
i do have a job
|
|
852
|
+
its homeless outreach
|
|
853
|
+
my 14 year old son got suspended and i had to pay for the damage after he sprayed fuck the police on the back wall of his school
|
|
854
|
+
im a policeman
|
|
855
|
+
i got pulled over by a cop
|
|
856
|
+
since my window wasnt working i opened the door causing him to run towards me with a drawn gun
|
|
857
|
+
he then had a go at me with his night stick
|
|
858
|
+
after realizing my window was broken he laughed and let me off with a warning
|
|
859
|
+
while presenting a project ive worked on for months one of the professors exasperatedly cut in mid sentence saying look its shit
|
|
860
|
+
just stop already
|
|
861
|
+
i was given the ultimate ultimatum: either i suffer excruciating stomach pains and remain a hostage to the porcelain whirlpool goddess or i stop taking pain medication and face the wrath of a raging infection in my jaw
|
|
862
|
+
i accidentally said bye love you to a co-worker as i clocked out
|
|
863
|
+
before i made it home i had six missed calls and a long text from my co-worker professing her love to me
|
|
864
|
+
i got my wisdom teeth cut out
|
|
865
|
+
while my girlfriend was driving me home i still being high on the laughing gas accidently admitted to cheating on her
|
|
866
|
+
she was kind enough to wait until the numbness wore off before she punched me in the face
|
|
867
|
+
i broke my arm
|
|
868
|
+
when i got home from the doctors with my cast i fell asleep on the couch from the medicine
|
|
869
|
+
when i woke up there were swastikas i love the kkk and multiple penises written all over my cast
|
|
870
|
+
my dad thought it would be funny
|
|
871
|
+
i was pulled over for speeding and was shocked that the cop asked me out
|
|
872
|
+
before i could respond he noticed my wedding ring said nevermind and then gave me a ticket
|
|
873
|
+
after suffering from constipation for three days i finally took a dump
|
|
874
|
+
just as things reached the point of no return my land line and doorbell all rang
|
|
875
|
+
i got home from my holidays to find my flatmate has moved his girlfriend in without asking me
|
|
876
|
+
not only does she walk around naked she has also redecorated the rooms
|
|
877
|
+
my brother and father thought it would be a good idea to wake me up by turning on a chainsaw and wearing hockey masks
|
|
878
|
+
my cat died while walking around the kitchen
|
|
879
|
+
he had a heart attack when the toaster popped out two slices of bread
|
|
880
|
+
i went to see the cirque du soleil at the albert hall
|
|
881
|
+
it was amazing apparently
|
|
882
|
+
of course i wouldnt know because i left my glasses at the hotel and was sitting at the very back row
|
|
883
|
+
it was my birthday
|
|
884
|
+
my boyfriend had been telling me for the past two weeks that he had something planned for the occasion
|
|
885
|
+
his plan me watching tv with his parents who hate me while he went to work
|
|
886
|
+
his gift a brand new xbox 360 for himself
|
|
887
|
+
while trying to act sober in front of my parents when i got home i threw up on my moms shoe
|
|
888
|
+
my dad attempted to fix a power outlet
|
|
889
|
+
he managed to shock himself with 120 volts and fall backwards landing on top of me
|
|
890
|
+
i am 85 pounds and he weighs 290 pounds
|
|
891
|
+
i was at a power lifting meet when a girl i really liked walked in
|
|
892
|
+
trying to impress her i increased my bench to 350 when i have only done 300 before
|
|
893
|
+
she then watched me drop it on my chest breaking my breast bone and also crying in the process
|
|
894
|
+
a cop pulled me over because there was a sign hidden behind a tree that said no left turn
|
|
895
|
+
as i was getting my ticket i watched as three cars turned left
|
|
896
|
+
the cop saw them laughed and said i guess youre the unlucky one
|
|
897
|
+
upon waking up i took a sip on what i thought was a cup of water on my nightstand
|
|
898
|
+
i quickly discovered it was my roommates cup of used mouthwash which she was too lazy to throw out the night before
|
|
899
|
+
i received a text message from my wife who had gone out for the evening with some girlfriends: have to take a friend home shes drunk ill be staying at his place
|
|
900
|
+
call you tomorrow morning
|
|
901
|
+
as i went into my calculus class the teacher announced that someone had received a negative grade on the test we were getting back
|
|
902
|
+
i laughed and said which f*cker managed to get a negative turns out im the dumbass
|
|
903
|
+
i had a job interview at 9:00am
|
|
904
|
+
i left at around 8:30am and as soon as i got in the car to drive to the interview i checked my phone again and it said 10:33
|
|
905
|
+
my boyfriend had decided to change the time on my clock as a joke
|
|
906
|
+
i was rudely stopped in the park by a woman screaming at me for being a slut for having a baby so young
|
|
907
|
+
she got so worked up that she started swearing
|
|
908
|
+
not only was i just babysitting for a friend i am unable to get the toddler to stop swearing
|
|
909
|
+
my friend installed this new application that shows you what a girl would look like as a boy and what a boy would look like as a girl
|
|
910
|
+
well im a girl and when it was my turn it didnt change
|
|
911
|
+
my little brother discovered that bears can be very territorial and will pee on things to keep others away
|
|
912
|
+
he took this new found information to heart and peed on various things in the house that he wanted for himself including my laptop
|
|
913
|
+
i found out that in conclusion to working five nights in a row im scheduled to work the night shift on valentines day with my ex-boyfriend
|
|
914
|
+
this guy i have a huge crush on came with me to my house to study
|
|
915
|
+
i was warmly welcomed by my drunken mother laying naked on the floor
|
|
916
|
+
after 2 years together my boyfriend finally proposed
|
|
917
|
+
i excitedly said yes
|
|
918
|
+
just as we began to kiss my half crazed cat ran in dropped a half eaten bird at our feet and promptly threw up on the carpet
|
|
919
|
+
i went out with a girl i like
|
|
920
|
+
after a movie we went to mcdonalds
|
|
921
|
+
there was this couple making out
|
|
922
|
+
the girl i was with remarked about how lame it would be to go to mcdonalds on a date
|
|
923
|
+
i thought we were on a date
|
|
924
|
+
i was attacked by my dad because i got my hair dyed and he thought i was a robber
|
|
925
|
+
my girlfriend broke up with me because she met someone else on world of warcraft
|
|
926
|
+
ive been paying for her subscription
|
|
927
|
+
i got married and id invited everyone from work including my boss
|
|
928
|
+
his way of congratulating me was to mention that im out of a job
|
|
929
|
+
he said it was a good time to do it because he thought i would be too happy or too drunk to care
|
|
930
|
+
it was my birthday
|
|
931
|
+
i got one birthday greeting: from my bank telling me they were closing my account
|
|
932
|
+
the company i applied for called up congratulating me in getting the job
|
|
933
|
+
i was ecstatic
|
|
934
|
+
quickly enough i texted a few mates that id got the job
|
|
935
|
+
twenty minutes later they called again saying the trainee had accidentally called the wrong applicant
|
|
936
|
+
i was having a bad day at work
|
|
937
|
+
then on my coffee break a little boy walked up to me and told me i was the prettiest girl hed ever seen
|
|
938
|
+
im a boy
|
|
939
|
+
i was woken up to my family surrounding me with breakfast in bed and sweet 16 balloons
|
|
940
|
+
my birthday is in 3 months and i will be 17
|
|
941
|
+
i politely complimented a strangers excellent posture
|
|
942
|
+
she responded by saying i have a metal rod in my back
|
|
943
|
+
i tried to save a dying bird i found on the sidewalk
|
|
944
|
+
i got a parking ticket for $114 in front of the animal hospital
|
|
945
|
+
i later found out the bird died
|
|
946
|
+
i had to babysit two kids
|
|
947
|
+
i told them to stop fighting or to sit on separate couches
|
|
948
|
+
they stopped
|
|
949
|
+
i asked why nobody would sit on the other couch where id been sitting
|
|
950
|
+
they told me it was the couch their autistic brother often pees on
|
|
951
|
+
my boyfriend broke up with me and left me crying in the street
|
|
952
|
+
i then got a text from my mom saying how pathetic my love life was
|
|
953
|
+
apparently it was a mass text message and she accidentally added me to the list
|
|
954
|
+
my boss called me ashley
|
|
955
|
+
my name doesnt even start with an a
|
|
956
|
+
i even wear a name tag
|
|
957
|
+
you would think after nearly four years your boss would remember your name
|
|
958
|
+
every time he speaks to me its a different name
|
|
959
|
+
i realized that someone spray painted a giant black cock on the front of my house while i was asleep
|
|
960
|
+
i also just recently painted my entire house yellow
|
|
961
|
+
yellow doesnt cover up black penis very well
|
|
962
|
+
i wrote a 2000 word essay on las vegas - the city that never sleeps
|
|
963
|
+
i was proud of my work until someone pointed out that new york is the city that never sleeps not vegas
|
|
964
|
+
i was startled awake at 4am by a loud and awful sound
|
|
965
|
+
completely serious i asked my fiancé if he had just shit his pants
|
|
966
|
+
his response: giggles followed by a softly whispered maybe
|
|
967
|
+
a snow storm rolled into my small town leaving my car stuck under 3 feet of snow
|
|
968
|
+
i called my boss to tell her i couldnt drive to work
|
|
969
|
+
her reply walk
|
|
970
|
+
i wanted to annoy my sister by playing the air horn app on my iphone
|
|
971
|
+
i forgot that i had headphones in
|
|
972
|
+
lets just say i quickly had to change my underwear
|
|
973
|
+
my boyfriend dumped me because his ipod app said i was cheating
|
|
974
|
+
i woke up at 3am to go to work
|
|
975
|
+
this will be my new routine from now on
|
|
976
|
+
i spent most of the day doing a project for school
|
|
977
|
+
when i finished i got a call from my project partner
|
|
978
|
+
she couldnt finish her part because her internet didnt work
|
|
979
|
+
when i finally finished everything i went on facebook
|
|
980
|
+
she was on facebook too
|
|
981
|
+
i finally got up the nerve to invite the guy i like to hang out at my house
|
|
982
|
+
it was also the day my mother decided that our house is a pants optional zone and that she should implement that policy immediately
|
|
983
|
+
while he was at our house
|
|
984
|
+
i was walking home from the gym
|
|
985
|
+
i was thinking about how proud of myself i was for losing 34 pounds when someone yelled from a car window look at that fat lump
|
|
986
|
+
while in my room sleeping my little brother deemed it necessary to come in and drop a book on my face
|
|
987
|
+
when i sat up with a now bloody nose he looked at me pointed and said youve just been facebooked and ran away giggling
|
|
988
|
+
i was pissed that i got a £60 parking ticket so rang my friend to rant about it
|
|
989
|
+
i then got pulled over by the cops for using my phone and was fined £120
|
|
990
|
+
i was eating breakfast at an ihop
|
|
991
|
+
as i was eating the old man sitting directly behind me started discussing every aspect of his spastic colon in vivid detail
|
|
992
|
+
during a snowstorm i opened my car door to get out
|
|
993
|
+
the wind snapped it wide open then immediately changed course and swung it back at me just as i stepped out spilling an entire hot cup of coffee all over me
|
|
994
|
+
after three weeks of putting it off i decided to ask out the girl ive had a major crush on since third grade
|
|
995
|
+
when i told her she smiled but then quickly said but arent you gay
|
|
996
|
+
as i was driving to work in the aftermath of a terrible blizzard that came through my area last night a lady slid through an intersection and hit my car totaling it
|
|
997
|
+
i called my boss and told her what happened only to have her tell me that we were closed due bad roads
|
|
998
|
+
no one told me
|
|
999
|
+
i drove a friend to the emergency room because he thought he had appendicitis
|
|
1000
|
+
while sitting in the waiting room i got puked on by a child
|
|
1001
|
+
my friends diagnosis gas
|
|
1002
|
+
so he also farted all the way home
|
|
1003
|
+
i woke up from my honeymoon to discover the love of my life is a bed wetter
|
|
1004
|
+
i went to shovel the massive amount of snow that was on our car
|
|
1005
|
+
after spending time in the cold wind i finally finished realizing it wasnt my car
|
|
1006
|
+
it was an identical car
|
|
1007
|
+
i accidentally drank my sisters science project
|
|
1008
|
+
her science project consisted of taking a glass of orange juice and putting maggots in it to see if they would live
|
|
1009
|
+
i thought it was just pulp
|
|
1010
|
+
i spent nearly an hour thawing out my car and driving to work in this stupid freezing rain only to find out that im now unemployed due to budget cuts
|
|
1011
|
+
i was sitting on the toilet with a really bad and noisy stomach upset
|
|
1012
|
+
then i hear a knock on the bathroom door
|
|
1013
|
+
my boyfriend had decided to make a surprise visit
|
|
1014
|
+
while in my doctors packed waiting room an elderly woman insisted i take her seat
|
|
1015
|
+
i thanked her but politely declined
|
|
1016
|
+
she began to yell saying i was ungrateful until i sat down
|
|
1017
|
+
she then left laughing as i discovered that she peed in the chair
|
|
1018
|
+
apparently she does this often
|
|
1019
|
+
i parked three streets away despite the ungodly cold
|
|
1020
|
+
i did this because in the past on my street i have had my car keyed my tires slashed and my side view mirror ripped off
|
|
1021
|
+
when i went back out to my car i found that someone had broken off my windshield wipers
|
|
1022
|
+
my phone decided to delete all my numbers
|
|
1023
|
+
i posted on facebook that people should message or text me if they felt like i should have their number
|
|
1024
|
+
i didnt get a single reply
|
|
1025
|
+
i trying to scrape the ice off my car but wasnt having much luck
|
|
1026
|
+
frustrated i kicked a clump off from the bumper
|
|
1027
|
+
the clump didnt budge but the entire front quarter panel fell off
|
|
1028
|
+
while waiting for a job interview a woman sat down next to me and asked if i was here for the job too
|
|
1029
|
+
thinking she was also an applicant i tried to demoralise her and said the job was going to be a complete joke
|
|
1030
|
+
with that she stood up and said do you still want to go into my office she was the interviewer
|
|
1031
|
+
the midwest blizzard hit my town burying the roads in snow
|
|
1032
|
+
all the local stores are closed
|
|
1033
|
+
im not only currently on my period but im out of pads and toilet paper
|
|
1034
|
+
i came home from a vacation
|
|
1035
|
+
it had snowed so i decided to shovel the front walk
|
|
1036
|
+
while shoveling i found a dead skunk frozen solid on the sidewalk
|
|
1037
|
+
i tried to pick it up with my shovel but it stuck
|
|
1038
|
+
it wont move til the ice melts
|
|
1039
|
+
i learned that my houses fly infestation is worse than i thought
|
|
1040
|
+
i now have maggots crawling and dropping from my ceiling
|
|
1041
|
+
i have to sleep under them
|
|
1042
|
+
i got chickenpox
|
|
1043
|
+
im 28 and having chickenpox as an adult is excruciatingly painful
|
|
1044
|
+
when i told my boss i wasnt going to be at work today because of chickenpox he replied thats the worst excuse ive ever heard
|
|
1045
|
+
adults dont get chickenpox
|
|
1046
|
+
he then fired me
|
|
1047
|
+
i sat across from a cute boy in my english class
|
|
1048
|
+
i thought it was cute when he winked at me so i laughed and winked back
|
|
1049
|
+
i didnt understand why he shot me a dirty look until i later found out he has eyelid spasms
|
|
1050
|
+
i woke up and stepped out of bed right into a pile of dog crap
|
|
1051
|
+
acting quickly i jumped on to my other foot which would have been a great idea except for this morning there were two piles
|
|
1052
|
+
i scraped the ice off my bosss car windows and thought itd be funny to scrape a swastika in the ice on his roof
|
|
1053
|
+
i didnt realize until it thawed off that it scratched it into the paint
|
|
1054
|
+
he didnt find much humor in it and is making me pay for the damage
|
|
1055
|
+
i met my daughters boyfriend who she hopes to marry
|
|
1056
|
+
i asked what he does to which he answered im a flamencologist
|
|
1057
|
+
flamencology the study of flamenco huh
|
|
1058
|
+
while stocking shelves with canned goods a kid no older than ten ran down the aisle knocking down everything in his path
|
|
1059
|
+
he was followed by his mother who was laughing hysterically
|
|
1060
|
+
my husband sent an email invite to his family about our daughters upcoming birthday
|
|
1061
|
+
upon reading the email his aunt clicked reply all while emailing her husband and said id rather say were out of town than see that dumb bitch our nephew calls his wife
|
|
1062
|
+
my husband who asked for a divorce four days ago announced his engagement on facebook
|
|
1063
|
+
his new womans profile picture is my engagement ring
|
|
1064
|
+
in the middle of the night my fiancé started yelling jibberish in his sleep
|
|
1065
|
+
when i tried to wake him he punched me square in the face
|
|
1066
|
+
i bought a pretty blue parakeet to keep my parrot company and named her sky
|
|
1067
|
+
i went to work a few hours later
|
|
1068
|
+
when i came home that night i found my parrot dead
|
|
1069
|
+
there wasnt a huge mess to clean though; sky had already eaten half of his corpse
|
|
1070
|
+
i was so bored i began practicing an irish jig
|
|
1071
|
+
for two hours
|
|
1072
|
+
at work i was told i was a failure
|
|
1073
|
+
feeling like crap i went to my best friend to see if he could make me laugh
|
|
1074
|
+
he told me that he felt obligated to hang out with me so he thought that we shouldnt anymore
|
|
1075
|
+
i found out my dad ate my pet rabbit two years ago
|
|
1076
|
+
he said he ran away
|
|
1077
|
+
i had a date with a girl id been seeing for about a month
|
|
1078
|
+
when i got home i saw her facebook status changed to in a relationship
|
|
1079
|
+
this made me kind of excited until i realized it wasnt with me
|
|
1080
|
+
i fell over a wet floor sign warning you not to fall over
|
|
1081
|
+
the irony hurt more than the fall
|
|
1082
|
+
my boyfriend came home drunk
|
|
1083
|
+
as he got home he asked me to marry him i was going to say yes until he said oh wait wrong woman
|
|
1084
|
+
i saw my mom run across the house naked for a condom
|
|
1085
|
+
i found out about my parents divorce over facebook
|
|
1086
|
+
i woke up with a migrane so i took one of my prescription migrane pills to get me through my day
|
|
1087
|
+
the pill made me dizzy and nauseous so i took a motion-sickness pill
|
|
1088
|
+
that pill gave me a migrane
|
|
1089
|
+
i found out that my sister is going to spend the last two months of her pregancy in my house to be with my mother
|
|
1090
|
+
shes bringing with her her three wild children
|
|
1091
|
+
the visit also happens to coincide with my end of year examinations in may and june
|
|
1092
|
+
i cried harder than i have in years
|
|
1093
|
+
i was babysitting and watching pokémon to pass the time
|
|
1094
|
+
it was the episode where ash dawn and brock on the show went their separate ways and may never be together again
|
|
1095
|
+
my mom and i tried out just dance 2 on the wii
|
|
1096
|
+
when we both threw out our hands at the same time my moms wii remote hit my hand and ripped my finger nail
|
|
1097
|
+
as i stared at the bloody half hanging off nail my mom muttered you should have stayed in your dance space
|
|
1098
|
+
it was both my and my stepmothers birthday
|
|
1099
|
+
in preparation my dad bought a huge banner with my stepmothers name on it and a lovely birthday cake
|
|
1100
|
+
when i told him it was also my birthday he just grunted and taped a post-it note to the banner with my name on it
|
|
1101
|
+
same with the cake
|
|
1102
|
+
my mom and i were escorted out of the kfc because my mom tried to mug and pick a fight with another customer
|
|
1103
|
+
i was driving to work when i was almost hit by a teenage driver
|
|
1104
|
+
i gave her the finger and shouted f*** you making sure that she heard me
|
|
1105
|
+
i then saw my boss glaring at me from the passenger seat
|
|
1106
|
+
one of my cats peed all over the back of my couch so i put her outside for a while
|
|
1107
|
+
when i let her in she ran straight to the couch and peed on my laptop
|
|
1108
|
+
this has been going on ever since i accidentally stepped on her tail several months ago
|
|
1109
|
+
i was hanging out with my two friends
|
|
1110
|
+
my hair was hanging over my upper lip making it look like i had a big mustache
|
|
1111
|
+
hey look guys i said
|
|
1112
|
+
i have a mustache i know they both said without looking
|
|
1113
|
+
im a girl
|
|
1114
|
+
i learned that standing next to a hobo doesnt make me look better in comparison but instead just makes me seem like a hobo as well
|
|
1115
|
+
while waiting on a customer at a restaurant i accidentally asked a midget if shed like a childrens menu
|
|
1116
|
+
i asked my ex-boyfriend how things were going since our breakup
|
|
1117
|
+
we broke up because he admitted he was questioning his sexuality and wanted to play for the other team
|
|
1118
|
+
he took the conversation as an opportunity to talk about his new amazing girlfriend
|
|
1119
|
+
my boyfriend left for a 2-year job posting in china
|
|
1120
|
+
we had agreed to maintain a long distance relationship and even worked out a visiting schedule
|
|
1121
|
+
later that night after trying to reach him i realized the numbers he gave me werent for china
|
|
1122
|
+
the country code doesnt even exist
|
|
1123
|
+
the nicest thing said to me all day was from my microwave that flashes enjoy your meal when it finishes cooking something
|
|
1124
|
+
i went to go use an automatic cart in walmart because i broke my hip in january
|
|
1125
|
+
they were all being used by morbidly obese people throughout the store
|
|
1126
|
+
i asked a manager if she could get me one but apparently their weight issues are more impeding than my broken hip
|
|
1127
|
+
i logged onto a website that offered free tutoring
|
|
1128
|
+
after chatting with the online tutor he started flirting with me
|
|
1129
|
+
i was just looking for some help with my homework not a creeper
|
|
1130
|
+
i found out that fedex delivered my $700 package to the wrong person
|
|
1131
|
+
the person that signed for it didnt even spell my name right
|
|
1132
|
+
after hanging up the phone i realised that telemarketers are my only form of social life
|
|
1133
|
+
i was walking to the shops when i saw my friend about 10 metres in front of me waiting at the traffic lights by herself
|
|
1134
|
+
jokingly i shouted out whos that really ugly person waiting at the lights the girl turned around
|
|
1135
|
+
it wasnt my friend
|
|
1136
|
+
i used my aa handbook as a beer coaster
|
|
1137
|
+
i flirted with a guy for ten minutes before realizing i was sitting between him and his girlfriend
|
|
1138
|
+
my explanation was suddently interrupted with the sound of me crashing the car against a parked car
|
|
1139
|
+
i was driving with my parents while explaining that young people like myself are better drivers because we have better reflexes
|
|
1140
|
+
i had no choice but to shake the hand of a customer who just moments before had the aforementioned hand down the front of his pants scratching his snowglobes
|
|
1141
|
+
scarcely having time to look at myself i quickly got dressed and went to work
|
|
1142
|
+
only when i got there and saw my reflection in the bathroom mirror did i notice that the colour and detail of my black lacy bra could easily be seen
|
|
1143
|
+
i work for a construction company
|
|
1144
|
+
full of men
|
|
1145
|
+
i was on the phone to a guy i really like from work
|
|
1146
|
+
wed been talking for about 2 minutes when he said he was getting another call and put me on hold
|
|
1147
|
+
i was so excited to be on the phone with him it took me a whole 15 minutes to realise he had actually just hung up on me
|
|
1148
|
+
i told my new boss to wish his daughter a happy birthday on my behalf as i overheard him saying it was today
|
|
1149
|
+
turns out she committed suicide three years ago
|
|
1150
|
+
i found out that even though my sister and i are identical twins im known as the ugly one
|
|
1151
|
+
i found out the real reason why me and my boyfriend of four and a half months have so much in common
|
|
1152
|
+
he used to be my stalker who followed me around in a black hoodie and always posted stuff on my myspace as an anonymous person
|
|
1153
|
+
i dropped my xanax
|
|
1154
|
+
it wasnt until after i washed it down with some water that i realized it was still on the floor and i had actually swallowed a pebble of cat litter
|
|
1155
|
+
i was dry-walling a house when my butt started to itch
|
|
1156
|
+
i bent over to scratch it on a piece of plywood at which point the clients wife walked in and asked what the f*** i was doing
|
|
1157
|
+
i had to resign myself to the fact that while everyone else will be seeing their boyfriend girlfriend husband or wife on valentines day i will only be seeing my dentist
|
|
1158
|
+
i was leaving school to get tested for peptic ulcers because my stomach has been hurting for a few months
|
|
1159
|
+
to wish me luck one of my friends gave me a friendly punch in the stomach
|
|
1160
|
+
i threw up blood
|
|
1161
|
+
my therapist told me that i need to do something different with my hair
|
|
1162
|
+
then i paid her
|
|
1163
|
+
i was attacked by clowns at work
|
|
1164
|
+
i dont work at the circus
|
|
1165
|
+
i wanted to propose to my girlfriend so i bought m&ms which i had customized with the words will you marry me on them
|
|
1166
|
+
she ate them all without reading them
|
|
1167
|
+
after a huge heartbreak and a night of crying i wake up to an empty house
|
|
1168
|
+
i go in the kitchen to make breakfast and see a note on the counter saying we heard you crying last night and didnt want to hear you complaining this morning so we went to the mall
|
|
1169
|
+
i got a call from my daughterâs teacher asking me to come pick her up
|
|
1170
|
+
my daughter wouldnât tell her what was wrong
|
|
1171
|
+
i left an important work meeting
|
|
1172
|
+
when i got there she stated her boyfriend broke up with her and she couldnt emotionally make it through the rest of the day
|
|
1173
|
+
shes 5
|
|
1174
|
+
i saw an attractive thin woman eating a salad
|
|
1175
|
+
trying to be smooth i approached her and told her that she didnt need to eat so scarcely because she was beautiful
|
|
1176
|
+
she promptly gave me a dirty look and informed me that she was a vegetarian
|
|
1177
|
+
my friend put itching powder in my cast while i was sleeping
|
|
1178
|
+
i went to get an ultrasound of my reproductive system done because i was having some abdominal pain
|
|
1179
|
+
everything was fine until the tech suddenly gasped and said oh my god you have two uteruses want me to print off a picture so you can show them off to your friends
|
|
1180
|
+
i was working on my art portfolio
|
|
1181
|
+
i had drawn a self-portrait
|
|
1182
|
+
when i was satisfied i wanted to show my parents
|
|
1183
|
+
they thought it was a drawing of a bear
|
|
1184
|
+
i got mugged
|
|
1185
|
+
but luckily i had on my keyring the pepper spray that my husband had insisted i keep with me
|
|
1186
|
+
unlucky for me my husbands co-worker who borrowed my keys emptied my pepper by spraying it on a brick wall one day when he was bored
|
|
1187
|
+
it was my first day at work as a cashier
|
|
1188
|
+
i was so nervous that my whole body got numb and my eye sight completely blurred
|
|
1189
|
+
i ran to the bathroom blind while bumping into everything in the store making sure that everyone knew i had a problem
|
|
1190
|
+
we had to evaluate each other in class
|
|
1191
|
+
apparently im a quarrelsome uncommitted commanding bitch
|
|
1192
|
+
to give the illusion that i have friends i wrote an outrageous status on facebook and then pretended it was the result of a friend hacking my page all in the hope that it would get comments likes or at least some attention
|
|
1193
|
+
nothing happened
|
|
1194
|
+
i finally got a reply to the letter to a celebrity that i had to write for my english class
|
|
1195
|
+
it was a restraining order
|
|
1196
|
+
i was walking in the park with my boyfriend of 3 years
|
|
1197
|
+
he stopped and knelt down in front of me
|
|
1198
|
+
i started to panic then he told me to calm down my shoe was untied
|
|
1199
|
+
i was in class when all of a sudden i was hit in the head by a metal pencil case
|
|
1200
|
+
my teacher threw it at me to get my attention
|
|
1201
|
+
i decided to surprise my boyfriend by creating an account on runescape; his favorite game
|
|
1202
|
+
after finding him in-game i started talking to him not revealing who i was
|
|
1203
|
+
after a while i asked him if he had a girlfriend
|
|
1204
|
+
he promptly said no and asked me for nude pics
|
|
1205
|
+
i toured an art museum
|
|
1206
|
+
our tour guide had an obvious lisp so i tried my best not to laugh
|
|
1207
|
+
when she asked me a question about a sculpture i accidentally responded yeth maam
|
|
1208
|
+
she ended the tour right there
|
|
1209
|
+
i was on the phone with an elderly customer at work
|
|
1210
|
+
i had to spend 10 minutes listening to him describe how the underwear he bought was too tight and caused his bladder to leak
|
|
1211
|
+
the woman giving me a manicure found a booger under one of my fingernails
|
|
1212
|
+
i got into an accident and my car was totaled
|
|
1213
|
+
my friends then took me out to a bar for a drink to make me feel better
|
|
1214
|
+
it appears that the police officer had kept my i
|
|
1215
|
+
d by mistake and i couldnt get into the bar
|
|
1216
|
+
my best friend decided to start dating my ex
|
|
1217
|
+
we broke up yesterday
|
|
1218
|
+
she also thinks im crazy because im upset about it
|
|
1219
|
+
to prevent a fistfight at work i had to mediate a contested debate between two coworkers on what was evidently a very touchy subject: which is better the orange creamsicle or the ice cream sandwich i was the only one to get in trouble for wasting company time
|
|
1220
|
+
it snowed a lot and my friends and i went outside for a walk
|
|
1221
|
+
someone drove by and threw a snowball at me hitting me square in the face
|
|
1222
|
+
surprised i side-stepped only to end up losing balance and roll down a hill into a ditch full of prickly bushes
|
|
1223
|
+
my mum got an electric car
|
|
1224
|
+
its so quiet that we could hear the bones of my cat break as we reversed over it on the driveway
|
|
1225
|
+
i reported in for my first day at work
|
|
1226
|
+
when i walked in they asked who are you i answered cassie its my first day today with a huge smile
|
|
1227
|
+
theyd meant to call and offer the job to the other cassie they interviewed
|
|
1228
|
+
i got slapped in the face by my girlfriend with a banana skin because i finished up the chocolate cake
|
|
1229
|
+
my professors son died in a car accident and class has been cancelled until further notice
|
|
1230
|
+
all my friends were delighted and cheered about it in front of me
|
|
1231
|
+
i was dating my professors son
|
|
1232
|
+
i was on the phone with a client when the gum i was casually chewing fell out of my mouth and down my shirt
|
|
1233
|
+
while i was trying to dig it out two of our newest customers walked into the lobby to see what looked like me fondling my breasts
|
|
1234
|
+
i learned that ham is part of a pig and not a completely different animal
|
|
1235
|
+
im eighteen
|
|
1236
|
+
i got an email from my seminar tutor asking why i wasnt in class
|
|
1237
|
+
i was sitting next to him
|
|
1238
|
+
i was on the bus heading home from school when i noticed a ridiculously hot girl near me checking me out
|
|
1239
|
+
i was about to say something charmingly funny when i suddenly got a whiff of onions
|
|
1240
|
+
turns out she had turned around simply to catch the essence of her own fart
|
|
1241
|
+
i woke up to a repairman at my door who was simply supposed to turn my water back on in my apartment
|
|
1242
|
+
two hours and 5 repairmen later all i have now is a large hole in my ceiling
|
|
1243
|
+
still no water
|
|
1244
|
+
i came downstairs disappointed thinking that my parents had forgotten my birthday
|
|
1245
|
+
turns out they didnt forget they just couldnt be bothered to do anything for it
|
|
1246
|
+
my sister lost a leg
|
|
1247
|
+
immediately after hearing the news my boyfriend started cracking jokes about getting her a job at ihop
|
|
1248
|
+
my mom took away my medication
|
|
1249
|
+
shes afraid ill get hooked
|
|
1250
|
+
the medication is anti-anxiety pills
|
|
1251
|
+
i have horrible anxiety attacks that sometimes cause me to scratch my arms until they bleed
|
|
1252
|
+
i cut my finger deep on an envelope at work and started bleeding profusely
|
|
1253
|
+
when i asked my co-worker for a band-aid she told me to get back to work and stop making up excuses to try and hit on her
|
|
1254
|
+
i opened my car door on reaching destination and my dog escaped
|
|
1255
|
+
i never found him
|
|
1256
|
+
my destination was the vets office to get him micro-chipped
|
|
1257
|
+
i was posted with a very lonely gate-guard
|
|
1258
|
+
from the second i arrived i had to listen to him drone on and on and now i know his entire life story
|
|
1259
|
+
i was there for four hours
|
|
1260
|
+
my dad thought joseph and francis were two people hacking our internet
|
|
1261
|
+
they are actually the names of my laptop and ipod which have now been blocked from using our modem
|
|
1262
|
+
he cant figure out how to unblock them
|
|
1263
|
+
i watched my grandfather try and park his car inside the storage area for shopping carts thinking it was a parking space
|
|
1264
|
+
i went to get a facial
|
|
1265
|
+
i forgot my contact case so i put them into paper cup
|
|
1266
|
+
my beautician thought it was leftover water from someone else and threw my only pair of vision aid away
|
|
1267
|
+
i scuttled home half blind
|
|
1268
|
+
i realized that as a result of working in an office which has an oddly-placed window the direct sunlight has caused the left side of my face to become significantly darker than the right
|
|
1269
|
+
just call me harvey dent
|
|
1270
|
+
in an effort to make new friends in my history class i sat in the empty seat next to a friendly-looking guy
|
|
1271
|
+
he got up walked away and sat down in a different seat
|
|
1272
|
+
i spent three and a half hours creating a wikipedia page for myself
|
|
1273
|
+
three minutes after publishing it was deleted due to me being a non-notable person nobodys ever heard of
|
|
1274
|
+
my mom left me at home with a babysitter
|
|
1275
|
+
im 17
|
|
1276
|
+
after informing my boss i needed stress leave from my 70 hour a week shifts i got my new work assignment
|
|
1277
|
+
sixty hours a week starting at 2am
|
|
1278
|
+
i thought it would be fun to drive into a stack of some empty cardboard boxes on my street
|
|
1279
|
+
they werent empty
|
|
1280
|
+
i found out that my boyfriend cheated on me with my best friend
|
|
1281
|
+
i texted her and i would never talk to her again
|
|
1282
|
+
but i accidentally sent it to my other best friend who responded im so sorry i never meant for you to find out
|
|
1283
|
+
my two best friends cheated with my boyfriend
|
|
1284
|
+
i woke up in the middle of the night to get a glass of water
|
|
1285
|
+
groggy and disoriented i bumped into several pieces of furniture and made a lot of noise
|
|
1286
|
+
my dad woke up mistook me for a burglar and knocked me out with his fist
|
|
1287
|
+
i got banned on club penguin because i said shit while i was in a fight with another penguin about whose igloo is cooler
|
|
1288
|
+
shouldnt i have better things to do on a friday night
|
|
1289
|
+
while shopping in the baby department at a local department store a woman approached me asking when i was due
|
|
1290
|
+
i told her that i was due in 4 months
|
|
1291
|
+
i lied
|
|
1292
|
+
im not pregnant
|
|
1293
|
+
i got a notice in the mail saying i had been fired from my job
|
|
1294
|
+
my dads the boss who i happen to live with
|
|
1295
|
+
a police officer gave me a ticket for smoking
|
|
1296
|
+
he told me that my parents would have to be contacted to come pick me up
|
|
1297
|
+
my drunk dad came to the rescue and almost hit the police car
|
|
1298
|
+
way to go dad
|
|
1299
|
+
i woke up at 11:11am
|
|
1300
|
+
i was happy because i thought it was a sign that it was going to be a good day
|
|
1301
|
+
i then realized that i was over an hour late for a job interview
|
|
1302
|
+
i made the discovery that im in a true love triangle; both of my girlfriends are dating one another
|
|
1303
|
+
i went in to the doctors thinking i had a bladder infection
|
|
1304
|
+
i walked out knowing im pregnant
|
|
1305
|
+
my son and i attended my mothers funeral
|
|
1306
|
+
it was the first time hed been to such an event so to ease his grief and distract him i turned on max and ruby when we got home
|
|
1307
|
+
he quickly broke into tears; apparently it was the episode where max and ruby prepare their grandma a special birthday gift
|
|
1308
|
+
i broke up with my boyfriend
|
|
1309
|
+
feeling bad i texted him a few hours later apologizing
|
|
1310
|
+
he said it was fine and that he went ahead and picked up a girl from the mall
|
|
1311
|
+
i took sexy pictures for my boyfriend
|
|
1312
|
+
i am at my aunts house
|
|
1313
|
+
i uploaded the pictures and after successfully posting them in a message i deleted them
|
|
1314
|
+
i accidentally deleted the whole photo library
|
|
1315
|
+
now she is taking the computer to apple tomorrow to recover the lost photos
|
|
1316
|
+
i cleaned up my dogs crap after my wife asked me
|
|
1317
|
+
5 minutes later she yelled at me for being lazy as she slammed the door leaving for work
|
|
1318
|
+
my dog shit in the exact same spot apparently to make me look stupid
|
|
1319
|
+
the snowblower found my lost phone
|
|
1320
|
+
i found out that i have enough driving skills to manage to hit a pothole and have two of my tires go flat
|
|
1321
|
+
i discovered out of the 20 job applications only one job called me for an interview
|
|
1322
|
+
they told me to leave after two sentences
|
|
1323
|
+
i was chosen as king for our winter formal
|
|
1324
|
+
even after i won nobody wanted to dance with me
|
|
1325
|
+
i confirmed that my neighbors burn their garbage in their backyard
|
|
1326
|
+
how my dog just threw up a nice smelly consistency of spaghetti plastic and cigarette butts on my carpet
|
|
1327
|
+
i had to say a deep sincere speech on assembly in front of the whole college on the recent floods in queensland
|
|
1328
|
+
instead of saying we are queenslanders when we get knocked down we get back up i stumbled and said we are queenslanders when we get knocked up
|
|
1329
|
+
i got a new roommate in the dorms
|
|
1330
|
+
when i got back to my room i could smell her feet before i even opened my door
|
|
1331
|
+
i put up an ad on craigs list to find a best friend
|
|
1332
|
+
i dont know whats more pathetic: looking for a best friend online or the ad being removed almost instantly
|
|
1333
|
+
i got a text from a girl that ive had a crush on for a long time asking me out to dinner
|
|
1334
|
+
i agreed and went to the restaurant
|
|
1335
|
+
not long afterwards i got text from her saying something had come up so she couldnt make it
|
|
1336
|
+
as i was walking back to my car i saw her walk into the same restaurant with another guy
|
|
1337
|
+
my roommate complained about his penis being smelly and itchy
|
|
1338
|
+
its been a week
|
|
1339
|
+
yesterday he woke me up in the middle of the night asking if i had some kind of vaseline or moisturizer he could use for the itching
|
|
1340
|
+
he still refuses to go to the doctor
|
|
1341
|
+
on the bus water kept dripping on my head so i stood up to move
|
|
1342
|
+
as i got up the bus turned round a corner and i fell over into a mans lap
|
|
1343
|
+
when i tried to get up i slipped down between his legs
|
|
1344
|
+
i received my first wedding present in the mail
|
|
1345
|
+
i opened it immediately and called the sender to say thanks
|
|
1346
|
+
she yelled at me for opening it and because she shipped it to me by mistake requested it back
|
|
1347
|
+
a man pulled me violently into an alleyway and informed me i was being mugged
|
|
1348
|
+
being a body-builder i said oh yeah i dare you
|
|
1349
|
+
he kicked my ass in a matter of seconds stole my wallet then farted on my bruised face
|
|
1350
|
+
he called me a wimp
|
|
1351
|
+
i got a parking ticket in the mail
|
|
1352
|
+
i dont have a car
|
|
1353
|
+
i found out that it is never ever a good idea to put a band-aid of any kind on your penis because eventually you will have to take it off
|
|
1354
|
+
i arranged to have some flowers delivered at work for valentines day so that my colleagues will think someone likes me
|
|
1355
|
+
i dreamed i was getting married
|
|
1356
|
+
i was wearing a white dress had incredible cleavage and perfectly done makeup
|
|
1357
|
+
just one problem
|
|
1358
|
+
im a guy
|
|
1359
|
+
after dealing with tons of drama and working a 14 hour shift i took a shower
|
|
1360
|
+
when i stepped out a weak spot in the floor gave way
|
|
1361
|
+
while falling through the floor i grabbed the toilet tank lid which fell into the tank and broke it
|
|
1362
|
+
now my leg hurts and the bathrooms flooded
|
|
1363
|
+
i went out for pizza with my boyfriend
|
|
1364
|
+
he loaned me his debit card and loudly announced in front of everyone that his pin code was the numerical equivalent of fart and repeated it twice just in case i hadnt heard
|
|
1365
|
+
i was in class when someone came in with a rose for me
|
|
1366
|
+
my teacher made me read the card aloud: im breaking up with you happy valentines
|
|
1367
|
+
it was from my boyfriend
|
|
1368
|
+
i was working as an intern at a day care
|
|
1369
|
+
one of the kids touched my chest a couple of times and i jokingly told him that he shouldnt touch old and ugly women like me
|
|
1370
|
+
so he started groping the little girls instead
|
|
1371
|
+
when the other teachers asked him why he said i had told him to
|
|
1372
|
+
i rummaged around in the attic looking for old pictures of me and my family so i could make a surprise collage
|
|
1373
|
+
instead i found my dads old journals talking about how desperately he didnt want a kid and how he wanted to leave my mother more and more every day that passed since i was born
|
|
1374
|
+
i woke up to a good friend of mine leaving my bed
|
|
1375
|
+
the very friend ive had a crush on for months and knows exactly how i feel about him
|
|
1376
|
+
everything was great until he said yeah about last night
|
|
1377
|
+
its just that you were there and i was weak
|
|
1378
|
+
see ya
|
|
1379
|
+
the only person to wish me a happy valentines day was a wrong number calling my cell phone
|
|
1380
|
+
i woke 2 hours before my alarm was supposed to go off feeling incredibly sick
|
|
1381
|
+
i then ran downstairs and had diarrhea while i threw up
|
|
1382
|
+
i spent valentines day having diarrhea every time i coughed or sneezed
|
|
1383
|
+
during dinner my family had a discussion about the color of poop
|
|
1384
|
+
the lady running the pastry shop asked who i buy the second pastry for every day
|
|
1385
|
+
i lied and told her that its for a coworker
|
|
1386
|
+
i eat them both
|
|
1387
|
+
i was in my car and stopped at a red light
|
|
1388
|
+
a homeless woman then started to throw rocks at my car for no apparent reason
|
|
1389
|
+
i drive a convertible
|
|
1390
|
+
my girlfriend found an enormous rose arrangement in the back seat of my car
|
|
1391
|
+
the flowers were from my fire chief to his wife
|
|
1392
|
+
i forgot to deliver them
|
|
1393
|
+
i now have to replace them since my girlfriend thinks i got them for her
|
|
1394
|
+
the arrangement cost $225
|
|
1395
|
+
after struggling for hours to fall asleep with my husbands rather rattling snoring i finally managed it
|
|
1396
|
+
only to be rudely awakened an hour later by my husband elbowing me in the face in his sleep
|
|
1397
|
+
i just pulled out of the fast food drive through only to pull right behind a septic truck
|
|
1398
|
+
just as i was about to dig into my food i noticed it had a handy window about a foot round
|
|
1399
|
+
i had a stare-down with a turd until i could pass
|
|
1400
|
+
i got a ticket for vandalizing public property
|
|
1401
|
+
i decided to draw a cat on the street outside my house in sidewalk chalk
|
|
1402
|
+
im 20 and i have to explain to my parents why im playing with chalk instead of studying
|
|
1403
|
+
i received a call from the police about a car accident that i was a witness to
|
|
1404
|
+
as the only witness who stopped to help i was remembered by the other cars involved
|
|
1405
|
+
theyre blaming me for the accident
|
|
1406
|
+
the cops want to talk
|
|
1407
|
+
i printed out a picture of the popular girl in school as a sort of model for how i wanted my hair cut
|
|
1408
|
+
the hairdresser taped the picture to the mirror so he could see
|
|
1409
|
+
halfway through my model came in for an appointment
|
|
1410
|
+
i fell down some steps and my dad laughed at me
|
|
1411
|
+
he then changed his facebook status to my kids an idiot
|
|
1412
|
+
i got a second notice from the mailman that my mail would not be delivered because of the pile of ice a plow had pushed in front of my mailbox
|
|
1413
|
+
after getting the first notice id spent an hour in the cold busting up the ice with a pick to clear a path
|
|
1414
|
+
he put both notices in my mailbox
|
|
1415
|
+
i had an asthma attack
|
|
1416
|
+
i grabbed my inhaler and found peanut butter on it
|
|
1417
|
+
im extremely allergic to peanuts
|
|
1418
|
+
i woke up in the middle of the night because i was thirsty
|
|
1419
|
+
in my groggy state i grabbed the first bottle of liquid i could find opened it and took a sip
|
|
1420
|
+
it was nail polish remover
|
|
1421
|
+
i went to a restaurant with my boyfriend
|
|
1422
|
+
within seconds of getting my drink i spilled it all over the table and my scarf
|
|
1423
|
+
when the waiter was helping clean up the spill he knocked over my boyfriends drink
|
|
1424
|
+
all over my pants
|
|
1425
|
+
i woke up to a bloody nose
|
|
1426
|
+
instead of rushing to the bathroom i creatively dripped the blood over a knife for photography class because the assignment was to show emotion
|
|
1427
|
+
so many of the students and faculty were disturbed that im now forced to talk to the school psychologist
|
|
1428
|
+
lice were found in my hair
|
|
1429
|
+
at the hair salon
|
|
1430
|
+
im now banned from that salon
|
|
1431
|
+
i was sitting in social studies and someone threw a note at me
|
|
1432
|
+
it said go fuck yourself everyone hates you just die
|
|
1433
|
+
i had my boyfriend come over for dinner for the first time
|
|
1434
|
+
it was all going well until my dad started explaining to my boyfriend how to use toilet paper
|
|
1435
|
+
he even demonstrated it
|
|
1436
|
+
i underwent several cardiac tests involving heart monitoring nodes placed all over my chest
|
|
1437
|
+
the lab techs didnt pre-shave the areas and yanked out big clumps of chest hair as they removed the 10 nodes
|
|
1438
|
+
they laughed and said it could take up to a year for the hair to grow back
|
|
1439
|
+
i was on the bus
|
|
1440
|
+
i heard a click right before something small hit my cheek
|
|
1441
|
+
i looked over to see the lady next to me cutting her long dirty fingernails
|
|
1442
|
+
the bus was too crowded to move and it was a 20 minute ride to work
|
|
1443
|
+
at the library somebody left themselves logged in to facebook on a public computer after they had left
|
|
1444
|
+
trying to teach them a lesson i updated their facebook status to something outrageous
|
|
1445
|
+
thats when they came back to the computer after getting something from the printer
|
|
1446
|
+
i went to the vending machine put in a dollar and reached down to grab my snack
|
|
1447
|
+
the slot door wouldnt open so i pushed it harder
|
|
1448
|
+
i got my hand in but the door got stuck again this time with my hand inside
|
|
1449
|
+
i tried to push with my other hand
|
|
1450
|
+
it got stuck too
|
|
1451
|
+
my friend finally convinced me that if i picked up her cat it wouldnt scratch my eyes out
|
|
1452
|
+
it peed on me instead
|
|
1453
|
+
i ran out of toilet paper in the bathroom
|
|
1454
|
+
i was forced to use tissues to do the job
|
|
1455
|
+
as if that wasnt bad enough the sanitizer in the tissues gave me a rash that made me have to stand up frequently in the lecture hall
|
|
1456
|
+
several people asked if i had tourettes
|
|
1457
|
+
i found a horde of ants in one of my socks when i put it on my foot
|
|
1458
|
+
my boyfriend fed me chocolate chip cookies with laxatives in them because he was concerned i did not poop enough
|
|
1459
|
+
i was in science class studying dead insects for biology
|
|
1460
|
+
after packing away the jars i noticed a red-back spider on the bench
|
|
1461
|
+
thinking it was missing from a jar i picked it up
|
|
1462
|
+
it wasnt missing
|
|
1463
|
+
it was alive
|
|
1464
|
+
i was thinking about my new diet and workout plan as i was getting dressed in the morning feeling much thinner and more energetic
|
|
1465
|
+
just as the thought passed through my brain the button on my skirt popped off
|
|
1466
|
+
i found my mom eating cat biscuits
|
|
1467
|
+
we dont have a cat
|
|
1468
|
+
i woke up to a text from my boyfriend asking if id skype with him
|
|
1469
|
+
thinking hed find my tousled bed hair and big t-shirt sexy i went on
|
|
1470
|
+
the first thing he noticed was the massive booger on my face that stretched from my nose to the other side of my cheek
|
|
1471
|
+
i got stuck in a small elevator
|
|
1472
|
+
it started to violently judder up and down after i pressed the help buzzer
|
|
1473
|
+
the man on the intercom wouldnt stop laughing at how my voice was jumpy from the juddering movements before he called for help
|
|
1474
|
+
i was forced to attend a fire safety class as required by my job
|
|
1475
|
+
last year i completed the fire academy as a volunteer fireman
|
|
1476
|
+
the class was not only insulting but wrong in many ways
|
|
1477
|
+
i got kicked out for pointing them out
|
|
1478
|
+
i now have to take it again or be fired
|
|
1479
|
+
i finally told my dad that he owes me over 400 dollars and that i need it or else id get kicked out of my apartment
|
|
1480
|
+
he only gave me 70 and said to get a better job
|
|
1481
|
+
i ate at chipotle
|
|
1482
|
+
there was a girl sitting alone so i asked if i could eat lunch with her
|
|
1483
|
+
she said yes and as i sat down i tried to open my bag of chips
|
|
1484
|
+
when trying to do so my hand slipped and i punched myself in the face
|
|
1485
|
+
she laughed and promptly left
|
|
1486
|
+
i came home to a lease violation and a $220 fine after a routine pest control visit
|
|
1487
|
+
the violation: my single betta fish in a small bowl
|
|
1488
|
+
instead of pushing me away or simply stopping for a minute my girlfriend kept kissing me as she was trying to get phlegm out of her throat
|
|
1489
|
+
the slimy goo ended up in the back of my mouth
|
|
1490
|
+
i can still taste it
|
|
1491
|
+
i brought home a ukulele i had just bought
|
|
1492
|
+
excited i showed my dad
|
|
1493
|
+
he then looked at me smirked and said just like everything else you have its a bit smaller than normal
|
|
1494
|
+
my math teacher brought his laptop to tally up all our scores for our report card
|
|
1495
|
+
he then displayed the results on a big screen in front of the whole class
|
|
1496
|
+
the ones who failed were marked yellow
|
|
1497
|
+
i was the only one marked yellow
|
|
1498
|
+
at work my phone rang
|
|
1499
|
+
my intern answered it and told me it was a coworker whod just left
|
|
1500
|
+
i picked up and said whats up bitch what are you going to complain about now it was actually my boss
|
|
1501
|
+
to wipe his crack my boyfriend is still using a newspaper that i left there when he first started refusing to buy toilet paper
|
|
1502
|
+
my friend came over with brownies as a treat before work
|
|
1503
|
+
she works in a bakery so i thought it was lovely
|
|
1504
|
+
after starting work i became stoned
|
|
1505
|
+
she thought it was a great prank
|
|
1506
|
+
i was fired
|
|
1507
|
+
my mom told me that she was selling my favorite thing in the world my trombone
|
|
1508
|
+
the only thing that im good at is the trombone
|
|
1509
|
+
as i go to a small private christian college the academic dean came up to me and asked me to put some old records on cd since i have a record player that can do that
|
|
1510
|
+
i had to listen to eight records of old students from the 1970s singing bible thumper christian hippie music
|
|
1511
|
+
i drove over 200km from dublin to galway with a broken window
|
|
1512
|
+
it rained for most of the journey
|
|
1513
|
+
i had to get into my house via the dog flap because my mom changed the locks
|
|
1514
|
+
after volunteering all day at the homeless shelter i was mugged on my way to my car
|
|
1515
|
+
my house got broken into for the third time
|
|
1516
|
+
the nice police officer said that if i didnt want my house to keep being robbed i should fix the place up so it doesnt look like a crummy vacant building
|
|
1517
|
+
i was asked out by a guy ive liked since the beginning of the year
|
|
1518
|
+
all i could say was i have to pee and ran into the mens bathroom
|
|
1519
|
+
i went to a party 40 minutes away by bus with some friends
|
|
1520
|
+
we missed the bus waited half an hour for the second and arrived just in time to hear the policemen say partys over
|
|
1521
|
+
get outta here
|
|
1522
|
+
i was so lonely i wound up talking for two hours to the creep who calls my number every friday night and makes creepy obscene breathing noises on the other end of the phone
|
|
1523
|
+
turns out hes a better listener than my husband
|
|
1524
|
+
the sweetest thing my boyfriend ever told me was that id make a good porn star
|
|
1525
|
+
i gave a safe sex speech to teens at my local high school
|
|
1526
|
+
this was just ten minutes after my girlfriend had texted me telling me shes pregnant
|
|
1527
|
+
i went to a haunted show restaurant
|
|
1528
|
+
i needed the toilet badly but they were inside the building which could only be gotten to via a ghost train
|
|
1529
|
+
the footage of me peeing myself in terror on the train was played on a big screen inside in front of a crowd of onlookers
|
|
1530
|
+
while on lunch break my fat old co-worker walked into the break-room
|
|
1531
|
+
i managed to block out his perverted heavy breathing but had to leave when he began emitting a terrible odor that smelled like cheesy sweaty molding feet
|
|
1532
|
+
i barely held onto my lunch
|
|
1533
|
+
i threw my brand new iphone 4 in the air whilst laying on my bed
|
|
1534
|
+
it came down went through my fingers landed on my balls then broke on the concrete floor
|
|
1535
|
+
while trying on bras in the changing room i wanted to see what my friends bra looked like on her
|
|
1536
|
+
not wishing to leave my changing room in my underwear i wriggled under her door
|
|
1537
|
+
when i got through my bra had come nearly all the way down and when i tried getting back i got stuck
|
|
1538
|
+
i woke up to an angry snake trying to climb the leg of my bed
|
|
1539
|
+
my bedroom was closed all day yesterday
|
|
1540
|
+
it must have gotten in my room days ago
|
|
1541
|
+
i got demoted from my managers position only to be replaced by a 21 year old who has never worked in retail in her life
|
|
1542
|
+
i now have to spend the next month teaching her my job so they can fire me
|
|
1543
|
+
i had all of my wisdom teeth removed
|
|
1544
|
+
after the anesthesia wore off i asked how long the procedure took and the nurse told me a little less than an hour
|
|
1545
|
+
apparently i thought this was hilarious and started laughing which ripped my new stitches
|
|
1546
|
+
my cat tried to kill me
|
|
1547
|
+
while i was sleeping he put his paws on either side of my face and laid down covering my nose and mouth
|
|
1548
|
+
while i was struggling to free myself i could hear my sister laughing next to me
|
|
1549
|
+
i had my buddies over for a few beers and trying to be cool i told my wife to get out of the living room and back in the kitchen
|
|
1550
|
+
i felt smug right up until she said why your mom doesnt need to be turned over for another 20 minutes dick
|
|
1551
|
+
at my strictly catholic grandmothers funeral i was made to sit in the row behind the rest of the family because i was born out of wedlock and wasnt a real member
|
|
1552
|
+
i went to the doctor thinking i had breast cancer
|
|
1553
|
+
turns out i have a third boob
|
|
1554
|
+
my boyfriend broke up with me over the phone
|
|
1555
|
+
he said i look too ugly when i cry to do it seriously in person
|
|
1556
|
+
i had an hour-long massage meditated for while and was finally feeling good
|
|
1557
|
+
then i had to call an ambulance for my idiot father who had managed to get alcohol poisoning
|
|
1558
|
+
i woke up and heard a noise coming from the kitchen
|
|
1559
|
+
i went down stairs and saw a huge guy in there
|
|
1560
|
+
i got a vase and hit him over the head not realizing it was my moms new boyfriend
|
|
1561
|
+
i started my community service at the dog pound
|
|
1562
|
+
i like animals so i thought it would be a good place to do it
|
|
1563
|
+
as i arrived they were throwing dogs that had been euthanized into a dump truck to be taken to a landfill
|
|
1564
|
+
that was my job for the day
|
|
1565
|
+
i was babysitting a little girl
|
|
1566
|
+
we were colouring and she told me she wanted to draw a picture of me
|
|
1567
|
+
after she was done she showed me the picture
|
|
1568
|
+
im drawn as a fat cow
|
|
1569
|
+
the worst part is the picture actually looks kinda like me
|
|
1570
|
+
i found out that the mysterious smell from under my bed was my cats collection of dead mice
|
|
1571
|
+
i saw my dog sleeping so i laid next to her and put her arm around my neck to be cute
|
|
1572
|
+
only for her to wake up and bite my nose
|
|
1573
|
+
i finally taught my mom how to text message people
|
|
1574
|
+
now i get a message from her every 30 seconds saying hi
|
|
1575
|
+
its my moms birthday
|
|
1576
|
+
i woke up at midnight to be the first to tell her happy birthday
|
|
1577
|
+
when i awoke in the morning i decided to bake her a cake
|
|
1578
|
+
little did i know my whole family was going out to lunch to celebrate
|
|
1579
|
+
i wasnt invited
|
|
1580
|
+
i was in the toilet
|
|
1581
|
+
some idiots thought it was funny to throw a water balloon into the cubicle
|
|
1582
|
+
the balloon didnt pop but fell in the toilet sending my own urine onto my shorts
|
|
1583
|
+
i had 4 hours left of school
|
|
1584
|
+
after my two credit cards were stolen thousands were charged before i could cancel
|
|
1585
|
+
the thief dropped nearly $1000 at juicy couture so she/he is somewhere laughing at me in a magenta rhinestoned leisure suit
|
|
1586
|
+
a neighbor called the cops on me and my friends because we were starting a fire in the backyard
|
|
1587
|
+
we were using a barbecue
|
|
1588
|
+
i had to fake fall down the stairs so my mom would stop texting and actually pay attention to what i was saying
|
|
1589
|
+
i found a picture my husband had saved on the computer
|
|
1590
|
+
it was of me and he had named it fatter
|
|
1591
|
+
i got up in the middle of the night to get a glass of water
|
|
1592
|
+
i felt something get caught in my throat so i coughed and spluttered a bit
|
|
1593
|
+
when i turned on the lights i discovered id coughed up a cockroach
|
|
1594
|
+
i was paired up with a partner in my film class
|
|
1595
|
+
he has an idea for a film: shoot an onion from all angles light it on fire and roll it down a hill
|
|
1596
|
+
he was dead serious
|
|
1597
|
+
im stuck with this guy for the whole year
|
|
1598
|
+
in an attempt to get some guidance from my college advisor i emailed her saying i was contemplating going to another school because i felt so helpless about my gpa and was sure i wouldnt get my major
|
|
1599
|
+
i asked for advice on raising it
|
|
1600
|
+
she gave me instructions on how to drop out
|
|
1601
|
+
someone started an event on facebook for tomorrow called kick a ginger day
|
|
1602
|
+
over 300 people are attending
|
|
1603
|
+
there are only two redheads in my school and im one of them
|
|
1604
|
+
my boyfriend asked me if i wanted to move out
|
|
1605
|
+
excited thinking he wanted us to move out from his moms house i said yeah just you and me to which he smirked and replied no just you
|
|
1606
|
+
my sister and i had a bonding moment
|
|
1607
|
+
it consisted of me plucking her chin hairs
|
|
1608
|
+
i asked for permission to marry the girl i love
|
|
1609
|
+
her father not only said no he said hell no
|
|
1610
|
+
i threw up in the car
|
|
1611
|
+
while driving
|
|
1612
|
+
the good news though i had a bag to catch it all
|
|
1613
|
+
bad news the bag had a giant hole in the bottom
|
|
1614
|
+
i got a missed call from a lady at an employment agency asking why i hadnt turned up to an information session for a potential job
|
|
1615
|
+
yesterday the same lady told me the job position was canceled
|
|
1616
|
+
i spent an hour deleting 70 of my status posts from the past week so i dont look so addicted to facebook
|
|
1617
|
+
damn i need a life
|
|
1618
|
+
i had to sell my phone to pay for the phone bill
|
|
1619
|
+
i got a call from the police dept
|
|
1620
|
+
my ex-boyfriend is applying for a job there and they called me to ask if he was a good candidate for a police officer
|
|
1621
|
+
i had to start my day off by saying great nice things about the guy who broke my heart and completely disrespected me
|
|
1622
|
+
i had to spend all of my money on textbooks even though my refrigerator is empty
|
|
1623
|
+
starving and frustrated i called home to ask for money for groceries
|
|
1624
|
+
my mom told me i could afford to skip a few meals
|
|
1625
|
+
i spent my remaining cash on a doctors visit only to find out that at the age of 22 im getting major health problems brought on by stress
|
|
1626
|
+
i came home to relax only to find out my roommate cant pay his rent and needs me to cover for him so we dont get evicted
|
|
1627
|
+
i was overdrawn $15 at the bank
|
|
1628
|
+
i paid in my last $80 in cash only for them to inform me that ive been slapped with $90 in overdraft fees
|
|
1629
|
+
i was invited to a counseling group for people with emotional problems
|
|
1630
|
+
i brought the permission slip home for my mom to sign only for her to accuse me of being a hypochondriacal lazy selfish bitch
|
|
1631
|
+
and my friends wonder why i have problems
|
|
1632
|
+
my therapist told me to write down my secrets in an envelope and symbolically burn them
|
|
1633
|
+
my secrets included stories of my rampant sex life drugs a suicide attempt and the hatred i have for my family
|
|
1634
|
+
ive managed to misplace the envelope somewhere back home
|
|
1635
|
+
my boyfriend proposed to me
|
|
1636
|
+
everything was going perfectly right up until he brought me back to his house to tell his family the good news
|
|
1637
|
+
when i excused myself to the restroom i overheard his mom say i thought you were going to break up with that stupid slut welcome to the family
|
|
1638
|
+
i was fired
|
|
1639
|
+
my boss told me via email that it was because i dont have enough experience with fun spiritual
|
|
1640
|
+
uh what
|
|
1641
|
+
i was looking at an old post between my ex and i on facebook
|
|
1642
|
+
everything i was reading was adorable
|
|
1643
|
+
just as i was reminiscing about the great relationship we had i look to the right of the screen to see the girl he cheated on me with in people you may know
|
|
1644
|
+
thanks facebook
|
|
1645
|
+
i woke up and went to the bathroom and took a massive piss
|
|
1646
|
+
then i actually woke up well and truly soaked
|
|
1647
|
+
i went to my sons high school play
|
|
1648
|
+
the moment i arrived at the auditorium i shouted out his name to let him know i made it
|
|
1649
|
+
thinking i was a student a teacher yelled shut up and sit down scared out of my mind i quickly obeyed to mass giggling from the kids
|
|
1650
|
+
while at a work meeting i finally summoned up the courage to share and express my opinions about unprofessionalism in the office
|
|
1651
|
+
after the meeting i went to clean up only to notice in the bathroom mirror that id had a booger pasted across my forehead throughout the meeting
|
|
1652
|
+
my boyfriend snuck into my house and hid in my closet
|
|
1653
|
+
knowing that i have a phobia of people jumping out of closets he nonetheless thought it would be funny to see how id react
|
|
1654
|
+
i had a panic attack and was taken to the hospital
|
|
1655
|
+
i walked ten miles to pick up my car from the towing station
|
|
1656
|
+
turns out there was enough change for the parking meter in the glovebox after all
|
|
1657
|
+
i asked my dad what his plans for friday were
|
|
1658
|
+
apparently hes going to a concert with my step-mom all evening
|
|
1659
|
+
its been their plan for months
|
|
1660
|
+
friday is my birthday
|
|
1661
|
+
thats been set since the day i was born
|
|
1662
|
+
i put aftershave on my fingers to encourage myself to stop biting my nails
|
|
1663
|
+
i absentmindedly rubbed my eye a few minutes later
|
|
1664
|
+
it burnt like hell
|
|
1665
|
+
i went on a date with a guy who seemed to be quite the gentleman
|
|
1666
|
+
i was proven wrong when he told me to shut it during dinner stiffed me on the bill and then left me at the restaurant so he could get his own taxi home
|
|
1667
|
+
i went to victorias secret to get fitted for a new bra since mine werent fitting properly
|
|
1668
|
+
to my amazement i wasnt a 32a but a 32aa
|
|
1669
|
+
i might as well have craters on my chest
|
|
1670
|
+
i looked in my mouses cage and noticed a tiny weed growing
|
|
1671
|
+
ive been trying to grow a garden for years to no avail
|
|
1672
|
+
even my mouse is a better gardener than i am
|
|
1673
|
+
i took a picture of myself and put it on facebook
|
|
1674
|
+
after i did so i realized that in the background you can see my crushs facebook page up on my laptop
|
|
1675
|
+
he tagged himself
|
|
1676
|
+
i went to see my banker
|
|
1677
|
+
as we were finishing everything up i leaned forward to sign something
|
|
1678
|
+
as i went back to sit down my 2 year old pulled the chair out from under me and i crashed down to the floor
|
|
1679
|
+
i sent an email to a girl i like about how i really feel about her
|
|
1680
|
+
she later replied real funny tell michael to change his password
|
|
1681
|
+
our boss asked us out to lunch and told us to choose wherever we wanted to eat
|
|
1682
|
+
thinking that sheâd be paying for it we chose a pricey seafood restaurant
|
|
1683
|
+
when wed eaten she told us that we could pay her back later
|
|
1684
|
+
all the staff in my company were forced to attend an evening chippendale show
|
|
1685
|
+
everyone in my department managed to think of a good reason to escape while i failed and no other choice but to go
|
|
1686
|
+
im the only guy
|
|
1687
|
+
i asked out a girl i like to a movie
|
|
1688
|
+
she said i hate babysitting
|
|
1689
|
+
i attended the wrong funeral
|
|
1690
|
+
i spent twenty minutes trying to hide and walk away without being too conspicuous
|
|
1691
|
+
i took a busy train into the city
|
|
1692
|
+
i was lucky enough to get a seat
|
|
1693
|
+
people were forced to stand in the aisle in front of me and the person directly opposite me whose butt was level with my head farted in my face
|
|
1694
|
+
i discovered that i can fit back into the clothes i wore in high school
|
|
1695
|
+
i was proud of this until my husband told me that i look like a stuffed sausage in them
|
|
1696
|
+
i got a call from my daughters school
|
|
1697
|
+
apparently she was learning about the food pyramid and when she was asked to identify what she had eaten the day before she said dog food
|
|
1698
|
+
i lost a glove while snowboarding
|
|
1699
|
+
i got off my board to find it when a bunch of kids took the opportunity to kick my snowboard down the hill while yelling run forrest run as i frantically chased after it
|
|
1700
|
+
i had to present a powerpoint in front of my class
|
|
1701
|
+
when i was finished no one clapped
|
|
1702
|
+
on my way back to my seat i slipped on a pencil and fell straight on my face
|
|
1703
|
+
thats when everyone clapped
|
|
1704
|
+
i cheated on my math exam
|
|
1705
|
+
i still failed
|
|
1706
|
+
i painted an area i had carefully sanded cleaned and taped off
|
|
1707
|
+
i pulled a fan out of the closet to help dry it faster
|
|
1708
|
+
i turned the fan on and a million dust particles flew off onto the wet paint
|
|
1709
|
+
a guy who i have known for a long time confessed his love to me
|
|
1710
|
+
it would have been sweet except that he will become my stepbrother in 3 days
|
|
1711
|
+
while waiting in line for the ski lift the lady behind me kept stepping on my skis
|
|
1712
|
+
annoyed i turned around and shouted at her get the f*ck off my skis just as the last word escaped my mouth i noticed that my skis were crossed and it was actually me stepping on them
|
|
1713
|
+
i treated my mom to a movie and lunch after shed attended weeks of aa meetings
|
|
1714
|
+
she snuck in a flask to the movie and during lunch she started calling people muggles
|
|
1715
|
+
thanks to a particularly spicy bowl of noodles my nose decided it would rather be a fountain
|
|
1716
|
+
a fountain of blood
|
|
1717
|
+
to punish me for being hungover my roommate blasted the bagpipe version of amazing grace through his stereo
|
|
1718
|
+
i was eating campbells vegetable soup
|
|
1719
|
+
halfway through i started to read the ingredients and found beef broth
|
|
1720
|
+
i have been a vegetarian for seven years
|
|
1721
|
+
i made plans with an old friend that i havent seen in years
|
|
1722
|
+
we agreed to meet at a diner and i told him id be standing outside
|
|
1723
|
+
i watched him pull up look right at me then do something with his phone
|
|
1724
|
+
seconds later i got a text saying sorry but im busy today and cant make it
|
|
1725
|
+
i told the guy i like to listen to a song that expressed how i felt about him
|
|
1726
|
+
when he was done i asked what he thought about it
|
|
1727
|
+
he said it made him realize that his ex was the love of his life and that he wants to go back to her
|
|
1728
|
+
i started lessons on snowboarding
|
|
1729
|
+
as soon as i got to the top of the hill my instructor pushed me saying just believe itll come to you he said this just before i hit a tree breaking my nose
|
|
1730
|
+
i decided to do a word search in my daughters hello kitty coloring book
|
|
1731
|
+
it took me 30 minutes to find 6 words in a kids coloring book for ages 1 and up
|
|
1732
|
+
i had my friends help me put on a suit of full plate armor for a medieval re-enactment
|
|
1733
|
+
after the battle my friends left
|
|
1734
|
+
i cant get the armor off by myself and will probably have to sleep in it
|
|
1735
|
+
my mom got me a job working for the man shes cheating on my dad with
|
|
1736
|
+
my dad doesnt know that shes cheating and my mom doesnt know that i know
|
|
1737
|
+
its just awkward
|
|
1738
|
+
i cycled 30 minutes through hail and rain to get my pregnant girlfriend the crisps she was craving
|
|
1739
|
+
when i made it back she didnt want them anymore
|
|
1740
|
+
i found out my friends call me shamu the whale behind my back
|
|
1741
|
+
i went to my first ever high school party with music drinks and dancing
|
|
1742
|
+
within a few minutes of taking my first ever shot of tequila i was in the worst pain in my life
|
|
1743
|
+
my parents were called and i had to be taken to the hospital
|
|
1744
|
+
im alcohol intolerant
|
|
1745
|
+
i ran into one of my teachers from high school
|
|
1746
|
+
when i told her i just recently graduated college and was starting graduate school in the fall she said you dont have to lie some people just are not cut out for college
|
|
1747
|
+
there is no shame
|
|
1748
|
+
i wasnt lying i graduated with honors too
|
|
1749
|
+
i tried a new sugar scrub soap thats supposed to help get rid of cellulite
|
|
1750
|
+
i didnt read the instructions correctly and now as well as still having the cellulite my butt looks like i got a massage from an angry cat
|
|
1751
|
+
my girlfriend broke up with me for not letting her keep the 75 cents that she stole from my truck
|
|
1752
|
+
my shoulder was pulled out of its socket when i was helping a customer load a desk into his vehicle and he decided to answer his cell phone
|
|
1753
|
+
i was on the bus it hit a bump on the road and made me hit a elderly man
|
|
1754
|
+
the bus driver thought i did it on purpose and made me get off
|
|
1755
|
+
while watching animal planet i realised my boyfriend uses the dog whisperer techniques on me
|
|
1756
|
+
its my birthday
|
|
1757
|
+
i woke up to a text message from my boyfriend breaking up with me
|
|
1758
|
+
when i commented on his impeccably bad timing he admitted hed forgotten it was my birthday
|
|
1759
|
+
an old lady hit me with her car
|
|
1760
|
+
after which she says oh not again
|
|
1761
|
+
my assistant manager was arguing with a customer
|
|
1762
|
+
i interjected letting the customer know that we want everything to be copacetic
|
|
1763
|
+
after the customer left i received a write up for using big words
|
|
1764
|
+
after disappearing for an unusually long period of time my boss called the store phone while sitting on the toilet
|
|
1765
|
+
turns out shed started bleeding uncontrollably from the arse and as the only other female staff member she needed me to go help her
|
|
1766
|
+
my boyfriend woke up to me crying
|
|
1767
|
+
he asked what was wrong but before i could answer hed already rolled over and started snoring louder than ever making the migraine i was crying about even worse
|
|
1768
|
+
i woke up after a night out drinking on my sofa with an electric dog collar around my neck and handcuffs on my wrists
|
|
1769
|
+
the keys were on the other side of the invisible doggy fence
|
|
1770
|
+
i unclogged a toilet
|
|
1771
|
+
with my hand
|
|
1772
|
+
for the second time this week
|
|
1773
|
+
my boyfriend let me know he wanted me to leave by repeatedly jabbing me with my car keys
|
|
1774
|
+
i found out that the co-worker i have been dating and falling for is the same co-worker that had been spreading rumors about me and getting me in trouble with my boss
|
|
1775
|
+
i was informed that due to my cat being aggressive and attacking the postman several times my mail would no longer be delivered to my address
|
|
1776
|
+
i dont own a cat
|
|
1777
|
+
i realised how poor i am when i found myself fishing out a two dollar coin someone had left behind in a public toilet bowl
|
|
1778
|
+
i learned that its cute when a goat comes up to you and licks your face
|
|
1779
|
+
that is until you realize that goat was just eating poison ivy
|
|
1780
|
+
during a class i noticed some racist statements and symbols on a table
|
|
1781
|
+
while erasing them i bent down to pick up my dropped pencil
|
|
1782
|
+
i look back up to see a teacher and got a suspension
|
|
1783
|
+
i was mugged while on my way to the book store
|
|
1784
|
+
id saved up for months to make a mega-purchase of study materials for my major only for it to be taken away in a few seconds by some lowlife thug
|
|
1785
|
+
the day before i was going to move in with my army fiancé he was told he would be deployed very soon
|
|
1786
|
+
i cant pay for the apartment without him and now have to move back in with my parents until he returns from active duty
|
|
1787
|
+
as i was driving home from work a bird decided to commit suicide by flying in front of my car
|
|
1788
|
+
the shock caused me to slam on the brakes totaling three other cars in the process
|
|
1789
|
+
while pensively thinking up my next awesome facebook status over dinner i finally came to the conclusion that i need to get a life
|
|
1790
|
+
surprisingly my roommate made a nice meal
|
|
1791
|
+
within an hour i started throwing up
|
|
1792
|
+
when i confronted her she confessed that shed used long expired ingredients including meat because she didnt want the garbage men to think shes the type that wastes food
|
|
1793
|
+
while trying to have a serious conversation with my husband about his drug use over text he came home
|
|
1794
|
+
i had to explain to my one person on my staff why having kids aged 6 to 9 hammering in screws with the butt end of a screwdriver is neither safe nor a good idea
|
|
1795
|
+
i informed my grandparents of my upcoming graduation from college
|
|
1796
|
+
my grandma looked at me with tears in her eyes and told me how proud she was that i was able to make it so far in spite of being autistic
|
|
1797
|
+
i am not nor ever have been autistic
|
|
1798
|
+
on the train a cute girl gave me her number
|
|
1799
|
+
after maybe half an hour she went to her seat and i went to the toilet for a quick but loud and painful dump
|
|
1800
|
+
i opened the door and saw her outside getting bitch-slapped by the smell
|
|
1801
|
+
at work i tried to help an old man by opening the door for him
|
|
1802
|
+
he flipped me off because i was wearing a kansas state university shirt
|
|
1803
|
+
my roommate came home and instantly began raging cursing and threatening to kill me
|
|
1804
|
+
while i was cowering in my bedroom the police had to settle the situation
|
|
1805
|
+
all id done was rearrange some furniture
|
|
1806
|
+
my boss lectured me on the evils of alcohol and how it was prohibited during the 1980s
|
|
1807
|
+
i said nothing because he hates being corrected
|
|
1808
|
+
my girlfriends best friend told me she was in hospital after having made a suicide attempt
|
|
1809
|
+
in shock i had a panic attack and ended up in the hospital myself
|
|
1810
|
+
turns out it was all a lie to see whether or not i was committed to the relationship
|
|
1811
|
+
i was out skating with a guy i really like
|
|
1812
|
+
i put on my best moves to impress him
|
|
1813
|
+
i ended up slicing his lip open with my skate mid-jump
|
|
1814
|
+
his lip is now wired shut by twelve stitches
|
|
1815
|
+
my fiancé and i had a fight over household expenses
|
|
1816
|
+
hes never had a job in his life but this didnt stop him demanding that i get another full-time job to pay for video games and beer
|
|
1817
|
+
my boyfriend and i were play-wrestling on the bed when he started to tickle me
|
|
1818
|
+
i tried to pull away but he pushed me back down
|
|
1819
|
+
i ended up hitting my eye on the corner of the nightstand
|
|
1820
|
+
his comment was this is why you shouldnt struggle
|
|
1821
|
+
i started my job as a high school janitor
|
|
1822
|
+
a student decided to welcome me by taking a dump in the urinal
|
|
1823
|
+
while riding the bus to a really important job interview the child sitting next to me threw up in my lap
|
|
1824
|
+
his mother then told him to wipe his mouth
|
|
1825
|
+
he used my sleeve
|
|
1826
|
+
my friend and i taught a very involved healthy nutrition program to underprivileged youths at a local center
|
|
1827
|
+
we even made them a healthy snack at the end of the program
|
|
1828
|
+
within minutes of the program being over we catch some of our fellow volunteers feeding the kids oreos
|
|
1829
|
+
i got rejected by two different guys
|
|
1830
|
+
one was my ex-boyfriend who said he wanted to keep our friendship and the other was a guy i went on a date with who faked a european accent the whole time during our date despite him being born and raised in texas
|
|
1831
|
+
the dog went nuts at 3am
|
|
1832
|
+
i searched the yard with a spotlight and machete
|
|
1833
|
+
he may actually just be an asshole
|
|
1834
|
+
i was answering a text from one of my students asking me if they could re-take a test
|
|
1835
|
+
i thought id texted back no you cant
|
|
1836
|
+
auto correct had used a more frequently used word: no you cunt
|
|
1837
|
+
its my birthday
|
|
1838
|
+
my parents whom i live with told me that they did not get me anything but instead they said they would knock off a bit of the housekeeping i owe them
|
|
1839
|
+
a man was struggling up some slippery steps with a pram when his sunglasses fell from his head
|
|
1840
|
+
i hurried to pick them up for him as he had no free hands but instead accidentally stood on them snapping them in half
|
|
1841
|
+
i noticed my new neighbor had taken the liberty of putting up signs all around their lawn overnight
|
|
1842
|
+
there are at least a dozen signs detailing the various reasons everyone on the planet is condemned to hell
|
|
1843
|
+
i was getting ready for a date when i noticed a spot on my chin
|
|
1844
|
+
to get rid of it i applied my sisters spot cream rather than picking it off
|
|
1845
|
+
within minutes my entire chin looked like a swollen tomato
|
|
1846
|
+
my parents told me that due to my lacking height and weight i legally have to sit in a booster seat in the car from now on
|
|
1847
|
+
im nineteen
|
|
1848
|
+
i was on a conference call and digital meeting at work when i got bored and started surfing the internet
|
|
1849
|
+
little did i know that my desktop was being shared
|
|
1850
|
+
my boss was on the call and saw everything
|
|
1851
|
+
i learned that if i dont clean out the litter box everyday my cat will resort to shitting in the laundry basket
|
|
1852
|
+
i was telling my students that its unnecessary to put arrows on the bottom of the page to tell me theres work on the back i check it anyway
|
|
1853
|
+
at the end of the day at least 6 kids came up to me asking to change their grade because i forgot to grade the back
|
|
1854
|
+
they hadnt put arrows
|
|
1855
|
+
i found out that if you see a picture in your bosss office of a extremely good looking big breasted woman kissing him on the cheek not to comment
|
|
1856
|
+
because that extremely good looking big breasted woman just might be his daughter
|
|
1857
|
+
while bored at work i was reading an article online about the local zoo and its animals
|
|
1858
|
+
i received an email so quickly responded but when signing off accidentally wrote thanks hippo instead of thanks heaps
|
|
1859
|
+
to a woman with a weight problem
|
|
1860
|
+
who also outranks me
|
|
1861
|
+
i was riding my motorcycle on the highway and wearing all of my gear - boots gloves jacket and full-face helmet
|
|
1862
|
+
somehow a bee found the only spot not covered on my body and stung my neck
|
|
1863
|
+
im allergic to bees
|
|
1864
|
+
i ate something really sticky so i had to wash my hands and mouth
|
|
1865
|
+
i saw a tea towel on the bench so i was wiped myself with that
|
|
1866
|
+
then i noticed it smelt really bad
|
|
1867
|
+
i had just cleaned my face with turps
|
|
1868
|
+
my mother noticed that i hadnt taken the trash out in a few weeks and angry piled various full trash bags on my bed
|
|
1869
|
+
ive been away on holiday for the past three weeks i guess she didnt notice that part
|
|
1870
|
+
i dried my hands on the same towel i used this morning to wipe up a few shards of glass
|
|
1871
|
+
you cant see the small splinters in my hands but believe me i can feel them
|
|
1872
|
+
i found out that my ferret which my parents had told me ran away a few years ago was actually given to my cousin while i was at a friends house
|
|
1873
|
+
my parents didnt want to deal with him anymore and gave him away for free
|
|
1874
|
+
while at subway i looked on as an employee killed a fly with his hands
|
|
1875
|
+
he then continued working without a second thought
|
|
1876
|
+
he was making my sandwich
|
|
1877
|
+
i rushed my dog to the vet because he was foaming at the mouth
|
|
1878
|
+
i returned home with a bill for $200 and a dog who apparently has a thing for marshmallows
|
|
1879
|
+
i found out the hard way that if you think a waiter is hot you probably shouldnt tell your parents
|
|
1880
|
+
they could react by screaming at him across the room to tell him you think hes a hottie
|
|
1881
|
+
i was performing a show about pirates for a youth program
|
|
1882
|
+
a child started crying because i wasnt a real pirate
|
|
1883
|
+
a little girl took my defense: hes a real pirate his teeth are all yellow
|
|
1884
|
+
i got mugged by a midget
|
|
1885
|
+
as i was about to go in the bathroom a girl walked out shaking water off her hands
|
|
1886
|
+
some of it landed on my face and i just wiped it off
|
|
1887
|
+
then she said to her friend who was waiting for her the sinks broken
|
|
1888
|
+
can i use your hand sanitizer so what landed on my face
|
|
1889
|
+
i found my mother in tears so i asked her what was wrong
|
|
1890
|
+
she told me its your father he wants a divorce
|
|
1891
|
+
i asked if hed met another woman and my mom replied no not a woman
|
|
1892
|
+
i was told that i was an idiot by a little girl because i didnt deliver a pizza to her house fast enough
|
|
1893
|
+
due to my lagging browser i accidentally liked a status my friend made about the deterioration of her relationship
|
|
1894
|
+
then the computer froze making it impossible to unlike it immediately
|
|
1895
|
+
my friend wont accept that it was a mistake
|
|
1896
|
+
i was in the bathroom when someone came up behind me
|
|
1897
|
+
instead of waiting for a urinal to free up he wedged his way in between me and another guy and promptly began peeing in my urinal crossing streams in the process
|
|
1898
|
+
i was finally able to get up and take a shit after being bedridden due to my knee surgery
|
|
1899
|
+
i had diarrhea and because i cant properly bend my knee i cant wipe my butt
|
|
1900
|
+
my father who left my family over 10 years ago and never contacted us or paid child support poked me on facebook
|
|
1901
|
+
while sleeping i heard an explosion
|
|
1902
|
+
my neighbor then knocked on my door and informed me that he had just hit my car with shrapnel from a cannon
|
|
1903
|
+
not only do i not have a car to drive but i also have to put this claim on my insurance due to my neighbor being on welfare
|
|
1904
|
+
my dad got drunk and asked if i had inherited his abnormally tiny penis
|
|
1905
|
+
we had to discuss our heritage at school
|
|
1906
|
+
when i told the class that i am german japanese and of the jewish faith the teacher loudly laughs at the irony
|
|
1907
|
+
something like this happens whenever i tell people my background
|
|
1908
|
+
i went to the dentist after 24 hours of severe tooth pain
|
|
1909
|
+
they did an emergency root canal
|
|
1910
|
+
after the anesthesia wore off within minutes the pain returned only worse than before
|
|
1911
|
+
called the dentist i had to return only to find they had done the root canal on the wrong tooth
|
|
1912
|
+
i was babysitting for my usual
|
|
1913
|
+
after putting the baby to sleep i put some popcorn in the microwave and went to the bathroom
|
|
1914
|
+
when i came out the whole kitchen was filled with smoke
|
|
1915
|
+
one of the neighbors saw and called 911
|
|
1916
|
+
im out of a job
|
|
1917
|
+
i went to a rave where apparently one of my favorite rappers was supposed to perform
|
|
1918
|
+
i stood in line for 2 hours in the rain got pushed and shoved and had to witness a bunch of drunken idiots puke all over the place
|
|
1919
|
+
once i finally got to the front of the line they closed the doors
|
|
1920
|
+
my son broke a window at school playing football
|
|
1921
|
+
not only did he break one he broke the other window next to it
|
|
1922
|
+
his excuse he tried making it look like a bird flew in one way and flew out the other
|
|
1923
|
+
i have to pay $800 to fix it
|
|
1924
|
+
i discovered that the demonic voice that made me nearly piss myself all night was my sisters furby she stuck in the closet
|
|
1925
|
+
i went snowboarding and fell backwards hitting my head on a patch of ice
|
|
1926
|
+
when i got home i told my brother i thought i might have a concussion
|
|
1927
|
+
he told me i should be a man and suck it swiftly smacking my head causing me to pass out
|
|
1928
|
+
a spider dangled an inch away from my face while i was driving
|
|
1929
|
+
i freaked out and accidentally bumped the car in front of me
|
|
1930
|
+
three cops arrived on the scene and i had to explain to them what happened
|
|
1931
|
+
i can still hear them laughing
|
|
1932
|
+
my boyfriend told me he was taking me out to eat to his favorite restaurant
|
|
1933
|
+
he said i could order whatever i wanted and hed pay for it
|
|
1934
|
+
he took me to red lobster knowing full well that im allergic to seafood
|
|
1935
|
+
before setting off on my train journey i checked my booking
|
|
1936
|
+
the (non-refundable) return date was a week later than i intended and after buying a new ticket online i was informed that i would be able to collect it in 2 hours
|
|
1937
|
+
i leave in an hour
|
|
1938
|
+
ill have to pay three times to come home
|
|
1939
|
+
its official we measured
|
|
1940
|
+
my boyfriends manboobs are bigger than my breasts
|
|
1941
|
+
i was awoken by my neighbor pounding on my back door at 3 am only to look outside and see my car engulfed in flames
|
|
1942
|
+
i discovered that im short enough to be legally considered a midget
|
|
1943
|
+
my daughter now wants to bring me to school for show and tell
|
|
1944
|
+
i flipped out when i saw a centipede
|
|
1945
|
+
i screamed very loudly and in a very high voice
|
|
1946
|
+
my girlfriend came into the room stomped on it picked it up and threw it in the trashcan
|
|
1947
|
+
i apologized to her for the scene and all she said was im used to it
|
|
1948
|
+
i threw up when i woke up feeling quite ill i told my mum
|
|
1949
|
+
she instantly thought i was pregnant
|
|
1950
|
+
im still a virgin and she doesnt believe me
|
|
1951
|
+
i decided to improve my posture by sitting through all of my classes with my shoulders and back completely straight
|
|
1952
|
+
pretty soon i couldnt move my shoulders at all
|
|
1953
|
+
i had to go to the chiropractor
|
|
1954
|
+
it turns out that in trying to improve my posture i misaligned my spine instead
|
|
1955
|
+
i withdrew â¬40 at the atm to pay for dinner later tonight
|
|
1956
|
+
it wasnt until i went to pay for it that i realized id taken the receipt but left the cash in the atm
|
|
1957
|
+
i found out that if you cry yourself sleep and forget to take off your mascara your top and bottom lashes will stick together
|
|
1958
|
+
leaving you unable to open your eyes
|
|
1959
|
+
my babysitter called to inform me that my grandfather is stalking her
|
|
1960
|
+
i found a dead squirrel under my sons bed
|
|
1961
|
+
apparently he has been keeping it there as a pet for the past week
|
|
1962
|
+
i learned why my credit score is so low
|
|
1963
|
+
my mom stole my identity almost three years ago
|
|
1964
|
+
her excuse you didnt need good credit for anything anyways
|
|
1965
|
+
my friend convinced me that a staple gun doesnt work on skin
|
|
1966
|
+
i decided to put this new piece of information to the test
|
|
1967
|
+
i dropped my urine sample on my pants
|
|
1968
|
+
not only do i now not have a sample it looks like i pissed myself
|
|
1969
|
+
as i couldnt get the airplane seat buckle to buckle i faced the fact that ive been in denial about how fat i have become
|
|
1970
|
+
the people in my row faced it too as i began to sob uncontrollably
|
|
1971
|
+
after having my jaw wired shut for 2 months i finally got to eat
|
|
1972
|
+
during the first bite of my sandwich i pulled my jaw out of place
|
|
1973
|
+
my dad bought a one hundred dollar collectible light-saber
|
|
1974
|
+
he plays with it
|
|
1975
|
+
in the front yard
|
|
1976
|
+
with sound effects
|
|
1977
|
+
i accidentally forgot my glasses in a store bathroom
|
|
1978
|
+
when i finally noticed i went back to find that someone was wearing them as he was walking out of the store
|
|
1979
|
+
i didnt have the balls to call him out on it
|
|
1980
|
+
i was at work as a grocery store cashier
|
|
1981
|
+
i felt a hand slap my ass
|
|
1982
|
+
turning around i saw an old man winking at me and i screamed
|
|
1983
|
+
when my manager came to deal with the problem she didnt believe me and gave the man a $25 gift card for the trouble i caused
|
|
1984
|
+
my boyfriend called me and dumped me
|
|
1985
|
+
thirty minutes later he called asking for me back
|
|
1986
|
+
when i asked why he said the other girl dumped me
|
|
1987
|
+
while stuck in a traffic jam my son silently changed my gear to reverse
|
|
1988
|
+
my boyfriend told me he had to go pick up his family from the airport
|
|
1989
|
+
i assumed he meant his parents
|
|
1990
|
+
he apologized and said he meant his wife and child
|
|
1991
|
+
theyd got their visa sooner than hed thought
|
|
1992
|
+
a little boy called me on the phone crying grandma died in a broken voice
|
|
1993
|
+
i just didnt have the heart to say wrong number
|
|
1994
|
+
i went on a dinner date with the guy i like
|
|
1995
|
+
he ate all his food then started eating off my plate going on to eat over half of my food
|
|
1996
|
+
when the bill came he made me pay for it
|
|
1997
|
+
i was walking with my crush and i told him how i felt
|
|
1998
|
+
as soon as i turned to him a bird shit on my face
|
|
1999
|
+
i lost my cat
|
|
2000
|
+
its deaf so no matter what i do it cant hear me
|
|
2001
|
+
i was told that i will never be able to have children
|
|
2002
|
+
thankfully for my husband his girlfriend sure can
|
|
2003
|
+
i bought my fiancée a dress for her birthday
|
|
2004
|
+
she accused me of saying she was fat because i bought it in medium rather than small
|
|
2005
|
+
after trying on the dress shes now not only mad at me for buying it but also because the dress fits perfectly
|
|
2006
|
+
the seat in my car broke and wouldnt move forward
|
|
2007
|
+
i had to walk to school in the rain because i was too short to reach the pedals
|
|
2008
|
+
my boyfriend set up a very romantic dinner
|
|
2009
|
+
afterwards he offered to wash the dishes while i went upstairs and relaxed
|
|
2010
|
+
his way of washing the dishes was to scrape all the food off then wipe the juices off the dishes with a paper towel before putting them back in the cupboards
|
|
2011
|
+
an older man sat next to me while he ate his lunch
|
|
2012
|
+
he dropped what i assumed was his cutlery
|
|
2013
|
+
wanting to help out i picked it up off the floor
|
|
2014
|
+
it was his teeth
|
|
2015
|
+
after setting up surveillance in my front yard to see whos dog keeps crapping on my lawn i finally caught the culprit on film
|
|
2016
|
+
it was my heroin addict neighbour
|
|
2017
|
+
i auditioned for my schools production of romeo and juliet
|
|
2018
|
+
when they announced that i got the part as juliet all the guys auditioning for romeo suddenly disappeared
|
|
2019
|
+
i was painting my moms house which so far had taken 12 hours over two days
|
|
2020
|
+
all of a sudden there was a wind storm
|
|
2021
|
+
all of the leaves stuck to the wet paint
|
|
2022
|
+
my friends told me that they couldnt make it to my birthday dinner unless i changed the time because id made dinner reservations that would clash with the new episode of jersey shore
|
|
2023
|
+
my girlfriend haltingly dumped me over the phone
|
|
2024
|
+
faint splashes punctuated her grunting straining sounds
|
|
2025
|
+
i overheard a little girl ask her mom if the round lady in purple was pretending to be a giant eggplant
|
|
2026
|
+
i was the lady in purple
|
|
2027
|
+
i got a super short pixie cut
|
|
2028
|
+
all my boyfriend could do was stare at me speechless
|
|
2029
|
+
i thought he was taken aback by how cute it was until he told me that i look exactly like my fifteen year old brother
|
|
2030
|
+
while driving home i saw a few deer running beside me
|
|
2031
|
+
i stopped to let them go in front
|
|
2032
|
+
instead one face-plants ramming into the side of my brand new car
|
|
2033
|
+
for our last kid-free dinner before the birth of our 4th child we chose a japanese hibachi restaurant
|
|
2034
|
+
they sat us with a family with a toddler who started screaming at the first flame trick causing the chef to cease to do anything entertaining
|
|
2035
|
+
i was waiting for the pan to heat up so i could make myself scrambled eggs
|
|
2036
|
+
just then my mom runs up to me cracks an egg open on my head and runs away laughing
|
|
2037
|
+
i only had one other egg
|
|
2038
|
+
every fire alarm in my house went off
|
|
2039
|
+
at 3am
|
|
2040
|
+
i ripped them all out of the ceiling
|
|
2041
|
+
we have 49 because the previous owners were scared of fire
|
|
2042
|
+
they are still going off
|
|
2043
|
+
an aunt that id had a massive falling out with passed away
|
|
2044
|
+
my entire extended family refuses to speak to me because they think i had something to do with it
|
|
2045
|
+
i live several hundred miles from her
|
|
2046
|
+
i caught my finger in a sliding door
|
|
2047
|
+
it made me pass out and give myself a concussion
|
|
2048
|
+
my genetics would rather slam my face into the floor than deal with a pinched finger
|
|
2049
|
+
i was trying out for my schools athletics team
|
|
2050
|
+
as i reached the finish line for the 100m sprint there was so much momentum i couldnt stop
|
|
2051
|
+
i ended up running into a wall
|
|
2052
|
+
i woke up screaming after a nightmare about clowns which wouldnt be too bad if i hadnt been surrounded by coworkers
|
|
2053
|
+
i set up a mouse trap to kill the rodent plaguing my kitchen
|
|
2054
|
+
while lying in bed i heard an unmistakable snap and ran to see what id caught
|
|
2055
|
+
the mouse trap was missing
|
|
2056
|
+
i now have a large angry and possibly dying animal running around my house
|
|
2057
|
+
i was prescribed medicine for anxiety
|
|
2058
|
+
without it my stomach churns all day
|
|
2059
|
+
with it i shake uncontrollably and my eyes twitch
|
|
2060
|
+
now i have to choose between diarrhea and rude stares from people in public
|
|
2061
|
+
it was the début of the high school musical i was in
|
|
2062
|
+
when two others and i sang the word hell my mother yelled at us for using that language while the musical was still going and dragged me off stage
|
|
2063
|
+
i was at the mall and i saw a kid crying
|
|
2064
|
+
i asked her whats wrong sweetie are you lost she ran away screaming help me i ended up having to explain to a dumb mall cop that im not a perv
|
|
2065
|
+
i realized that my boss is able to read all the emails my coworker and i send each other
|
|
2066
|
+
most of them are about how she is such a shitty boss
|
|
2067
|
+
i tickled my girlfriend and her first reflex was to swing her elbow back and break my nose
|
|
2068
|
+
i was texting a girl i like
|
|
2069
|
+
every message she sent came ten minutes after i sent her a message
|
|
2070
|
+
when i told her ive to go she responded almost instantly with an ok bye
|
|
2071
|
+
i was at aéropostale with some friends when i noticed a woman glaring at me
|
|
2072
|
+
when we got to the checkout the woman still had her eyes on me so i asked why she was staring
|
|
2073
|
+
she snapped if you had kept your legs closed you wouldnt be pregnant
|
|
2074
|
+
im not pregnant
|
|
2075
|
+
i was fired from the trucking company i work for due to numerous complaints about my reckless driving
|
|
2076
|
+
i dont even do driving work there but my ex keeps calling in to report me and my boss wanted the calls to stop
|
|
2077
|
+
while at the bakery section of my local supermarket i heard the beat of what i assumed was a song playing
|
|
2078
|
+
i really got into it and bobbed my head and danced a little
|
|
2079
|
+
after getting some strange looks i realized the beat was a machine mixing frosting
|
|
2080
|
+
i came down with painful sores in my mouth just after having gotten over a cold
|
|
2081
|
+
apparently im allergic to the cough drops ive been eating for the past week to make myself feel better
|
|
2082
|
+
after a few beers i was exiting the bathroom of a loud house party when the door jammed
|
|
2083
|
+
i had to climb out through the shower window
|
|
2084
|
+
it was fool proof until my foot got stuck
|
|
2085
|
+
i hung outside the house upside down in the dark yelling for an hour before someone figured out where i was
|
|
2086
|
+
a cop rear-ended me
|
|
2087
|
+
then i received a ticket from him for driving too far under the speed limit
|
|
2088
|
+
we were in a school zone
|
|
2089
|
+
i went to the doctor for an infection from where a cat bit me while i was sleeping
|
|
2090
|
+
where that cat came from and how it got into my bedroom i will never know
|
|
2091
|
+
i went out for some very expensive sushi
|
|
2092
|
+
two hours later i found myself on the toilet violently voiding my bowels
|
|
2093
|
+
i essentially paid to have liquid orange shit
|
|
2094
|
+
i found out the reason my boyfriend dumped me was because his parents dont like the fact that i go to a prestigious university
|
|
2095
|
+
however theyre completely accepting of the drunken slob whos dating their daughter
|
|
2096
|
+
i had to wait an hour in the awful rain for my mom to pick me up because she didnt realize the clocks had gone forward already
|
|
2097
|
+
in an attempt to impress a girl i like i tried to crush a soda can by hitting it with my forehead
|
|
2098
|
+
not only did i fail i knocked myself out in the process
|
|
2099
|
+
when i regained consciousness the girl was gone and someone had taken the liberty of drawing a penis on my face
|
|
2100
|
+
i had a seizure
|
|
2101
|
+
my dad responded by saying it always happens with my disease
|
|
2102
|
+
i never have had a disease
|
|
2103
|
+
now i have to wait for my dad to stop yelling at my mom about not telling me so i can ask what i have in the first place
|
|
2104
|
+
eating my weight in breadsticks at olive garden and trying to relive my childhood via a pogo stick was not a good combination
|
|
2105
|
+
my new shoes are now a different color
|
|
2106
|
+
my dog started barking very aggressively
|
|
2107
|
+
thinking shed started another gruesome fight with my older dog i jumped up from the couch spilling my coffee all over my laptop and dress and knocked over a vase my grandmother gave me
|
|
2108
|
+
she was barking at her own shadow
|
|
2109
|
+
i came back to my boyfriends house where ive been staying to find all my things thrown outside ruined including my entire cd collection textbooks and clothes cut up
|
|
2110
|
+
all because i had left my cell phone there and had got a text from a guy saying hi how have you been
|
|
2111
|
+
while practicing my gymnastics routine on the uneven bars i was so distracted by my teammates conversation about a party later that i miscalculated my flip and smacked my head on a bar
|
|
2112
|
+
ten stitches and a concussion later i was left alone in the hospital
|
|
2113
|
+
my ex-girlfriend moved out
|
|
2114
|
+
i came back to a sparsely furnished home she even took the shower head my beard trimmer and the soap from the bathroom
|
|
2115
|
+
i got arrested for shoplifting
|
|
2116
|
+
i dont know whats worse that i stole a one dollar bottle of chocolate milk or that i didnt have the dollar to pay for it
|
|
2117
|
+
my girlfriend asked me to hold her purse while shopping
|
|
2118
|
+
all of a sudden a robber punched me in the face and took her purse
|
|
2119
|
+
she started crying about her purse and told me to get off the ground because i was embarrassing her
|
|
2120
|
+
my boyfriend broke up with me by way of making me an account on an online dating site
|
|
2121
|
+
he then emailed me the account information and left
|
|
2122
|
+
i was so lonely that i pretended i wanted to buy something from a telemarketer so that they would keep talking to me
|
|
2123
|
+
i spent almost two hours cleaning my fish tank only to find out that my cat had secretly eaten all of my fish while i was cleaning the tank
|
|
2124
|
+
i showed my colleagues how i could switch on my webcam at home from the office
|
|
2125
|
+
thats how we all found out my wife is cheating on me
|
|
2126
|
+
my new boyfriend was at my flat for the first time
|
|
2127
|
+
he picked up something in the bathroom and said what the hells this
|
|
2128
|
+
i told him what it was for and he said you girls and your weird female products
|
|
2129
|
+
who needs all this stuff
|
|
2130
|
+
it wasnt a female thing
|
|
2131
|
+
it was shampoo
|
|
2132
|
+
a frog made my hot tub his new home
|
|
2133
|
+
i cant stand frogs and he moves lightening fast
|
|
2134
|
+
i think the only way to get rid of him is to turn the heat on and boil him
|
|
2135
|
+
which i would do if my daughter didnt already adore him
|
|
2136
|
+
the bus came to pick up my daughter to take her to kindergarten
|
|
2137
|
+
when it honked i opened the door for her to let her run out to it
|
|
2138
|
+
halfway there she tripped and started crying
|
|
2139
|
+
i couldnt run out because i was still in my underwear
|
|
2140
|
+
now her bus thinks im the worst mom ever
|
|
2141
|
+
i was telling my dad about how i emasculated my guy friends because i can drive a stick shift while they cant
|
|
2142
|
+
he said and you wonder why people think youre a lesbian
|
|
2143
|
+
my husband bought a horse
|
|
2144
|
+
we dont own any furniture but we have a flippin horse
|
|
2145
|
+
i found out why my boyfriend wouldnt let me move into his new apartment with him
|
|
2146
|
+
it turns out his other girlfriend had already moved in
|
|
2147
|
+
i banged into a glass door
|
|
2148
|
+
my friend laughed at me so i turned around and gave him the finger then turned back to continue walking and banged into the door again
|
|
2149
|
+
i came home to my drunk husband to find that he raided our fridge and freezer to soothe his beer munchies
|
|
2150
|
+
that would have been fine had he not eaten the top tier of our wedding cake id been saving to eat on our first wedding anniversary which is in 4 days
|
|
2151
|
+
i got a call from my long distance girlfriend
|
|
2152
|
+
shes about a month pregnant
|
|
2153
|
+
i havent seen her in person for six months but she still insists its mine
|
|
2154
|
+
i dont know which would be worse: her lying or her being that stupid
|
|
2155
|
+
while at a school anti-drugs assembly the speaker asked everyone to stand up if they knew someone who had died of an overdose
|
|
2156
|
+
as i stood up my friend hit me in the side making me laugh
|
|
2157
|
+
i stood frozen under accusing glares while the speaker bitched me out for a good 5 minutes
|
|
2158
|
+
i was at the grocery store when an elderly woman walked up to me and said why cant every guy be as handsome as you i would have been flattered by the comment if i was a guy
|
|
2159
|
+
i got into a bad car accident where i got severe whiplash swollen knees and cuts everywhere
|
|
2160
|
+
i called my boss to let him know i wouldnt be able to make it in and he fired me for being not dependable
|
|
2161
|
+
i got a call from my five-year-old sons principal my son had pooped in the school yard then gave the teacher a ziploc bag and commanded her to pick it up
|
|
2162
|
+
he said he was trying to imitate our dog
|
|
2163
|
+
i was driving in stop and go traffic and passed two accidents in the process
|
|
2164
|
+
i got nervous and decided to change routes to avoid getting hit
|
|
2165
|
+
as i was trying to find an alternative route on my gps i rear-ended the car in front of me
|
|
2166
|
+
i had a violent coughing fit while at the store which caused a lady to think i was choking grab me from behind and start doing the heimlich maneuver incorrectly
|
|
2167
|
+
she broke two of my ribs
|
|
2168
|
+
i emailed my potential boss a copy of my resume
|
|
2169
|
+
however i did not know that it was my fake resume created for my english class
|
|
2170
|
+
some of my former jobs included being a certified gangster and the former president of canada
|
|
2171
|
+
i went to see the doctor about my asthma
|
|
2172
|
+
apparently i dont have asthma and instead i came back with anemia coeliac diabetes and a counselor
|
|
2173
|
+
i went on a date the first one ive been on since my last boyfriend broke up with me 6 months ago
|
|
2174
|
+
we were in a restaurant and at the end of meal he insisted on paying the bill
|
|
2175
|
+
he wanted to leave a 15% tip but couldnt work out in his head how much to leave
|
|
2176
|
+
the bill was for £100
|
|
2177
|
+
after my 22 year old son realized that there was no more contact solution he decided to use tequila because he thought it would kill the germs
|
|
2178
|
+
we had to go to the hospital to have his eyes flushed out
|
|
2179
|
+
i raised this moron
|
|
2180
|
+
my bird learned to mimic my fire alarm
|
|
2181
|
+
it proved it to me at 3 am
|
|
2182
|
+
i thought id take my little sister to the park
|
|
2183
|
+
after getting bored of playing on the climbers she thought it would be funny to throw some mud at me; too bad mud wasnât the only chunky brown stuff on the ground
|
|
2184
|
+
i have no cell phone reception as i am visiting family who lives on the side of a mountain
|
|
2185
|
+
they told me there was service on top of the mountain so i hiked up
|
|
2186
|
+
only when i got there did i realize id left my phone back down at the house
|
|
2187
|
+
my daughter went potty
|
|
2188
|
+
just as she always does she came up to me and announced i flushed and wiped and shut the light off
|
|
2189
|
+
then she did something brand new
|
|
2190
|
+
she covered my face with her hand and asked do these fingers smell they did
|
|
2191
|
+
i put signs up in the lifts at work with my name and desk phone number as the contact in case the lifts break down
|
|
2192
|
+
i work in it so there are hundreds of men in the building
|
|
2193
|
+
someone has already drawn a very wonky heart next to my name
|
|
2194
|
+
i got a call from the office telling me i was fired
|
|
2195
|
+
when i asked why my boss explained my mother called and told him i was in a weak mental state
|
|
2196
|
+
she thought she was helping me get off for my birthday
|
|
2197
|
+
now i have no job
|
|
2198
|
+
i was moving to the city with all my belongings when the trailer came unhitched breaking the chains on my dads homemade trailer
|
|
2199
|
+
i then watched as the trailer narrowly missed a guardrail went down a hill and into a river
|
|
2200
|
+
my dad still wont admit he didnt latch the hitch
|
|
2201
|
+
i was excited to have a window seat on my three hour flight to new york
|
|
2202
|
+
when i got to my row i noticed the screaming newborn occupying the seat in front of me and a pair of toddlers behind me
|
|
2203
|
+
i then looked to my seat to find i have no window
|
|
2204
|
+
after speeding home due to an overflowing bladder i ran to the bathroom forgetting that the toilet seat was broken
|
|
2205
|
+
while doing my business the toilet seat and i both slid off the bowl
|
|
2206
|
+
my crush gave me a ride home
|
|
2207
|
+
when i opened the door to get out he switched the gear to reverse thinking the car was in park
|
|
2208
|
+
i got run over by the car door
|
|
2209
|
+
my expensive multi-feature water proof watch was destroyed
|
|
2210
|
+
by water
|
|
2211
|
+
i finished and turned in the last of the seventeen major projects for the company i work for
|
|
2212
|
+
as i was walking out of my bosses office i hear her ask her assistant she finished everything we didnt want to do can we fire her now
|
|
2213
|
+
i was talking to my dad and told him that i want to be a hotel maid hoping that he would tell me you can do better youre smart etc
|
|
2214
|
+
instead he said im glad you finally have a goal that you can actually achieve
|
|
2215
|
+
i went to the airport to start the amazing 3 week vacation in costa rica that ive been saving for and planning for more than a year
|
|
2216
|
+
they wouldnt let me on the plane because my passport expires in less than 6 months
|
|
2217
|
+
i was woken up by my 5 year old daughter hitting me with a pillow because she had a dream that i was using her tooth brush on the dog
|
|
2218
|
+
we dont have a dog
|
|
2219
|
+
she is now refusing to brush her teeth
|
|
2220
|
+
i swerved out of the way to avoid hitting a squirrel and in the process hit another squirrel
|
|
2221
|
+
i finally got the courage to say to my boyfriend that i feel invisible and ignored
|
|
2222
|
+
to this he said you arent invisible i mean look at that nose
|
|
2223
|
+
i have a cat with separation anxiety
|
|
2224
|
+
by this i mean whenever i go in another room and shut the door with her outside she uses her head as a battering ram to try and break down the door
|
|
2225
|
+
its fun trying to sleep too
|
|
2226
|
+
i discovered that the lovely hunger-inducing smell thats been lingering around the office lately is from the local animal crematory
|
|
2227
|
+
ive been wistfully inhaling the stench of burning cats dogs and other various animals
|
|
2228
|
+
i was worried about passing an exam so i hid a note under my skirt
|
|
2229
|
+
when the guy next to me was finished i had to get up so he could leave
|
|
2230
|
+
with no time to hide the note i stood in front of the entire class hand over my crotch looking as if i had to pee
|
|
2231
|
+
i performed in my schools choir concert
|
|
2232
|
+
the girl next to me started to pass out and i grabbed her so she wouldnt hit her head
|
|
2233
|
+
after we were done performing and the curtains closed my choir teacher dragged me off stage and said i was getting an f for creating a distraction
|
|
2234
|
+
my mom banned me from watching the simpsons and family guy because apparently theyre part of the devils plan to corrupt gods children
|
|
2235
|
+
with water in my eyes i stepped out of the shower and rubbed my face with a towel
|
|
2236
|
+
when i looked in the mirror i realized there had been a giant spider on the towel
|
|
2237
|
+
its guts and legs were smeared all over my face
|
|
2238
|
+
i was riding to a prom with my friends in the middle of a swamp-covered area
|
|
2239
|
+
i stuck my head out the top and screamed like they do in the movies
|
|
2240
|
+
my hair makeup and mouth were quickly filled with bugs
|
|
2241
|
+
i finally decided to tell my parents i was a lesbian
|
|
2242
|
+
they spent the next few hours reading me the bible
|
|
2243
|
+
my dad cussed out an individual on the phone because he thought it was a telemarketer
|
|
2244
|
+
he was my indian girlfriends father
|
|
2245
|
+
i heard water splashing outside of my house; i investigated it only to find my dad whom i dont live with syphoning gas out of my car
|
|
2246
|
+
my boyfriend of almost two years and i broke up
|
|
2247
|
+
earlier we scheduled our classes for senior year to match perfectly
|
|
2248
|
+
cant wait
|
|
2249
|
+
my parents fought over who gets the dog when they divorce
|
|
2250
|
+
nothing has been said about where my brother and i will live when they split
|
|
2251
|
+
my purse was stolen
|
|
2252
|
+
too bad it had all of my money and my passport
|
|
2253
|
+
my flight is tomorrow and the embassy is closed until monday
|
|
2254
|
+
guess who gets to stay in a foreign country with no money and no identification for the next 3 days
|
|
2255
|
+
we were going to disney world all the way from north carolina
|
|
2256
|
+
after 12 hours of driving my kids started fighting and complaining
|
|
2257
|
+
my husband finally said if i hear you guys one more time were turning around and going back home
|
|
2258
|
+
they annoyed him once again and we actually went home
|
|
2259
|
+
at the mommy and me dance class that i take my four year old daughter to the instructor had us do a stretch telling us to pretend were mermaids
|
|
2260
|
+
my daughter said to me but youre not a mermaid youre a whale
|
|
2261
|
+
at 21 years of age my doctor confirmed that i am indeed going bald
|
|
2262
|
+
it wouldnt be such a bad thing even expected if i wasnt a woman
|
|
2263
|
+
i got my first kiss
|
|
2264
|
+
he had an allergic reaction to my chapstick and broke out in hives
|
|
2265
|
+
i dragged my son along with me to a work party because i didnt want him home by himself
|
|
2266
|
+
halfway through he stood up and made an announcement about my pregnancy
|
|
2267
|
+
i had to explain to all my coworkers and my boss that im not pregnant im just fat
|
|
2268
|
+
i was telling my friend how lonely i am on skype
|
|
2269
|
+
he responded by deleting me as a friend
|
|
2270
|
+
i was late for the bus
|
|
2271
|
+
i chased after it for 3 blocks until i realized that the bus driver was laughing at me trying to catch her
|
|
2272
|
+
at my wedding my brother decided it would be funny to trip me as i was walking down the aisle in front of hundreds of people
|
|
2273
|
+
at the age of 16 im recovering from hip surgery
|
|
2274
|
+
my friends took me out to the movies to cheer me up
|
|
2275
|
+
they thought it would be hilarious to steal my crutches and leave me stranded and alone in the mall multiple times
|
|
2276
|
+
it wasnt
|
|
2277
|
+
my son was on facebook while he was supposed to be studying
|
|
2278
|
+
he called me a liar and accused me of making up excuses to chew him out
|
|
2279
|
+
how do i know he was online he liked and commented on a video i posted
|
|
2280
|
+
my son is a dumbass
|
|
2281
|
+
i called the car repair shop to complain to the manager about their tow driver who keeps making sexual passes at me
|
|
2282
|
+
the girl taking my call started crying and said that their driver was her husband
|
|
2283
|
+
im being sexually harassed my car is dead and i think i just ended a marriage
|
|
2284
|
+
my dog had to choose between protecting me from a mugger or eating an apple
|
|
2285
|
+
he chose the apple
|
|
2286
|
+
the estranged crumbs in my toaster caught light while i was making breakfast
|
|
2287
|
+
the toast toaster and my wooden bench are now little more than collateral damage
|
|
2288
|
+
i found out that the sleazy guy i met with a few days ago decided to move into my home town to be closer to me
|
|
2289
|
+
ive already told him im not interested in him but he still continues to ask me out
|
|
2290
|
+
while serving drinks at work to a group of people getting tipsy on wine i joked about it being obvious who the designated driver was to the only gentleman whod been religiously sticking to coke all night
|
|
2291
|
+
he coldly informed me that he was a recovering alcoholic
|
|
2292
|
+
in an attempt to get my son to stop playing call of duty i threw his xbox controller out the window
|
|
2293
|
+
he was so desperate he followed it
|
|
2294
|
+
his bedroom is on the second floor
|
|
2295
|
+
my son has 3 broken ribs and no future
|
|
2296
|
+
my boyfriend was buying a new hockey stick; to test it out he started hitting a ball around the aisle and decided to shoot it back into its bin
|
|
2297
|
+
instead the ball hit me dead in the mouth giving me a fat lip
|
|
2298
|
+
instead of consoling me my boyfriend yelled goal
|
|
2299
|
+
my girlfriend bought several bottles of potassium iodine pills and a gas mask due to the radiation scare from japan
|
|
2300
|
+
we live in texas
|
|
2301
|
+
my boyfriend had a bad dream that a horse was biting his fingers off
|
|
2302
|
+
he punched the horse in the neck and in real life punched me in the spine
|
|
2303
|
+
it was my friends 18th birthday
|
|
2304
|
+
she had invited us out drinking
|
|
2305
|
+
ive never had alcohol before and was very excited
|
|
2306
|
+
i got a call explaining that she had invited one too many and asked me not to come
|
|
2307
|
+
people bragging on facebook about what a great time they were having didnt help either
|
|
2308
|
+
i called my mom to tell her that im coming over for a visit
|
|
2309
|
+
she answered: why what do you need food money im not going to help you youre a grown woman and she hung up
|
|
2310
|
+
i just found out that im pregnant and she was the first person i wanted to share it with
|
|
2311
|
+
my mum accused me of doing heroin because some teaspoons had gone missing
|
|
2312
|
+
i found out why my parents forgot my birthday
|
|
2313
|
+
facebook didnt remind them
|
|
2314
|
+
today i pressed caps lock on my laptop and the key got stuck
|
|
2315
|
+
now all of my letters are in capital letters
|
|
2316
|
+
i have tried everything
|
|
2317
|
+
i am taking a 16 hour flight
|
|
2318
|
+
five minutes in the lady on one side has clipped her toenails onto me and the guy on the other side has the most horrific gas i have ever smelled
|
|
2319
|
+
to help this problem he bought a cheese plate from the stewardess
|
|
2320
|
+
15 hours and 55 minutes to go
|
|
2321
|
+
i tried to clock in at work only to have the clock tell me i wasnt scheduled so i asked my boss what was going on
|
|
2322
|
+
turns out i was fired and this was her way of avoiding conflict
|
|
2323
|
+
i posted an event to have a get together with friends
|
|
2324
|
+
most of them put not attending
|
|
2325
|
+
i hadnt even set the date
|
|
2326
|
+
i noticed a weird smell coming from my four year old daughters room
|
|
2327
|
+
i went to investigate and found she had been using (and hiding) her garbage can as a toilet for when she cant make it in time
|
|
2328
|
+
i wasnt allowed to work from home despite being ill enough to just take the day off anyway so there could be someone to answer the phone
|
|
2329
|
+
the phone didnt ring once all day
|
|
2330
|
+
my dad was stupid enough to think that the kitchen sink is a good place to clean a gas tank
|
|
2331
|
+
now the whole house smells of gas fumes and im about to pass out
|
|
2332
|
+
my neighbors got a rooster
|
|
2333
|
+
i called a wrong number
|
|
2334
|
+
calling back the right person i began a long story about how id just called the wrong number
|
|
2335
|
+
it was the wrong number lady again
|
|
2336
|
+
i had to take a dump in a box for a stool test
|
|
2337
|
+
i saw my dads friend across the street working on my neighbors roof
|
|
2338
|
+
to continue the airsoft war wed been having i shot at him with the sniper gun i bought
|
|
2339
|
+
i hit him and he fell off the roof
|
|
2340
|
+
i ran over to see if he was ok
|
|
2341
|
+
it wasnt my dads friend
|
|
2342
|
+
i went to work despite having a nasty cold
|
|
2343
|
+
i didnt call up sick because last week when i called in my boss said i was being unprofessional and unacceptable
|
|
2344
|
+
my boss sent me home with a written warning today claiming that coming to work sick was unprofessional and unacceptable
|
|
2345
|
+
i was driving home at night and got into an accident
|
|
2346
|
+
someone had left a toilet in the middle of the road
|
|
2347
|
+
i hit it
|
|
2348
|
+
the toilets fine but my car now has a toilet-shaped dent in the front
|
|
2349
|
+
at work i had to convince an 80 year old mental patient that shes not ke$ha and that she really has to put her clothes back on
|
|
2350
|
+
my friends thought it would be hilarious to show me marley and me the day right after i had to put down my dog
|
|
2351
|
+
i had my dog for 11 years
|
|
2352
|
+
at work a coworker started to tell me about his weekend without me even asking
|
|
2353
|
+
halfway through his story i started to daydream and lost track of time
|
|
2354
|
+
bored i told him hey man ill call you back ive got to get back to work
|
|
2355
|
+
then i remembered i wasnt on the phone
|
|
2356
|
+
i walked in on one of my housemates pissing in the kitchen sink full of dirty dishes
|
|
2357
|
+
i got into a wreck thanks to a big flashing sign on the highway that said keep your eyes on the road that distracted me
|
|
2358
|
+
i was let go from my balloon-selling job at the zoo
|
|
2359
|
+
they put a new monkey cage in my designated spot
|
|
2360
|
+
i was literally fired so a monkey could take my place
|
|
2361
|
+
i got a call from this drunk man asking for celeste
|
|
2362
|
+
since i dont know any celestes i told him that he had the wrong number
|
|
2363
|
+
he kept calling for her
|
|
2364
|
+
apparently he cant take a hint that she didnt give him her real number and i get to deal with him
|
|
2365
|
+
i opened a cupboard and a brick fell on my head
|
|
2366
|
+
the same brick my mum put up there to keep it out of the way
|
|
2367
|
+
i locked the door to our only bathroom so my two year old wouldnt get in and make a mess
|
|
2368
|
+
i crapped my pants while trying to unlock it with the key that rests on the frame
|
|
2369
|
+
bills to pay by the end of the month
|
|
2370
|
+
i quit my job and sent a mass mail on facebook that i was moving to a different state with my long time boyfriend
|
|
2371
|
+
he called me later that night to tell me we arent moving after all
|
|
2372
|
+
now we are both jobless with loads of
|
|
2373
|
+
i was playing with my dog
|
|
2374
|
+
his bouncy ball rolled under the couch and i got on my hands and knees to get it
|
|
2375
|
+
he decided it would be a good chance to hump the shit out of me
|
|
2376
|
+
my future mother-in-law informed me that since she is putting money into our wedding that all the planning and arrangements are under her authority
|
|
2377
|
+
as i walked home i heard the people behind me in an argument over my gender
|
|
2378
|
+
i was chosen to mc a function at work
|
|
2379
|
+
i developed a terrible case of hiccups which made the audience giggle and groan for the duration of my time on stage
|
|
2380
|
+
i received yet more mail for my ex-fiancé
|
|
2381
|
+
weve been broken up for nearly a year and ive told him multiple times to change his address
|
|
2382
|
+
getting his mail is a constant reminder that i havent dated since
|
|
2383
|
+
while at the mall i opened a bathroom stall thinking nobody was in there
|
|
2384
|
+
the door just didnt close properly
|
|
2385
|
+
i hit an elderly woman in the head
|
|
2386
|
+
i received a bill for damage to my old apartment
|
|
2387
|
+
the same damage caused by the maintenance guy when he came to fix the pipes about a week before i left
|
|
2388
|
+
while vacuuming my car i discovered a hole in the floor under one of the seats
|
|
2389
|
+
unable to figure out where it came from i took it to a professional who informed me that a family of rats has been making my car their home for the last several months
|
|
2390
|
+
how lovely
|
|
2391
|
+
my twelve year old neighbour decided to give a hannah montana concert in her backyard starring herself
|
|
2392
|
+
unfortunately she only knew three lines of the song the best of both worlds and screamed them repeatedly at the top of her lungs
|
|
2393
|
+
my cab driver told me about the time he tried to commit suicide by driving off a bridge
|
|
2394
|
+
while we were crossing a river
|
|
2395
|
+
i got a call from my 8 year old sons teacher
|
|
2396
|
+
apparently my kid has been charging girls a quarter to touch his special area
|
|
2397
|
+
i went to the hospital as my girlfriends emergency contact
|
|
2398
|
+
when i saw her she was under a blanket because she had no pants
|
|
2399
|
+
she had a seizure in a guys bed and he brought her here
|
|
2400
|
+
hes here and she wants us both to stay
|
|
2401
|
+
im babysitting three children under the age of seven
|
|
2402
|
+
they have no discipline dont listen scream all the time wont nap terrorize my dog and have peed their pants a collective 5 times today
|
|
2403
|
+
i am not getting paid for this
|
|
2404
|
+
their mother has no plans to come get them any time soon
|
|
2405
|
+
i went to a birthday party
|
|
2406
|
+
a half hour in a girl started showing me pictures of her cat
|
|
2407
|
+
that was the high point of the night
|
|
2408
|
+
i was hanging out with the guy i like
|
|
2409
|
+
all of a sudden he pulls out a small vial of his blood to give to me proving his undying love
|
|
2410
|
+
curious i asked where he had gotten the blood
|
|
2411
|
+
his answer a razor blade
|
|
2412
|
+
in his nose
|
|
2413
|
+
i had to dig into my savings to help my parents pay for their divorce
|
|
2414
|
+
i got 2 creams for a skin condition
|
|
2415
|
+
the one for my face says dont expose skin to sun after use of this product
|
|
2416
|
+
the one for the rest of my body says this product relies on exposure to the sun
|
|
2417
|
+
in other words i have to be outside as much as i can naked and with a box on my head
|
|
2418
|
+
to celebrate my older sisters 21st birthday my parents forced me to take the night off work so we could all go to the casino
|
|
2419
|
+
not only is this coming out of my vacation i wasnt old enough to enter the casino so i had to sit in the car
|
|
2420
|
+
my sister presented me with an official pet killer award after yet another goldfish under my care died of unknown causes
|
|
2421
|
+
to make my dorm neighbours think im popular i blasted music and screamed at the top of my lungs so it sounded like i was having a party
|
|
2422
|
+
my residence manager slapped me with a noise violation and demanded to come in to make sure we werent drinking
|
|
2423
|
+
i had to explain why i was by myself
|
|
2424
|
+
in front of my family my brothers wife announced that she was pregnant with their first child
|
|
2425
|
+
everyone joked around and said i was next
|
|
2426
|
+
two weeks ago i found out that im sterile
|
|
2427
|
+
my cat fell into the bathtub while walking along the rim
|
|
2428
|
+
this wouldnt have been so bad if i wasnt in it at the time and if my skin was immune to being sliced open by a frantic kitty
|
|
2429
|
+
i was sitting in walmart and i saw an attractive woman walking by
|
|
2430
|
+
being the single guy i am i went up to her and asked if she needed help with carrying her groceries
|
|
2431
|
+
she responded with you know im a guy right
|
|
2432
|
+
i was hiking and four miles away from my car and civilization i tripped over a rock into a cactus
|
|
2433
|
+
i used duct tape which ripped all the hair off my arms and legs but ignored the spikes
|
|
2434
|
+
i laid in bed all night texting my drunk boyfriend and drunk best friend
|
|
2435
|
+
they were at two different parties neither of which i was invited to
|
|
2436
|
+
i quit my job after i overheard my boss doing a hysterical impression of me telling her about my dads heart condition
|
|
2437
|
+
i co-starred in a production of hamlet
|
|
2438
|
+
halfway through play the actor playing hamlet forgot his lines threw a raging temper tantrum screaming about how much he hated the play and how he wanted to go home in front of hundreds of audience members
|
|
2439
|
+
my family came back from holiday to discover that my little sister had messed with the cat flap before we left
|
|
2440
|
+
several stray cats were able to come in but were unable to get out and left shit in various areas around the house
|
|
2441
|
+
i had such a violent coughing fit that my stomach emptied itself all over the floor while at my sales job
|
|
2442
|
+
i was going to my prom
|
|
2443
|
+
my mom knows i want to drink so to prevent me she made sure i took my prescription medicine before i left
|
|
2444
|
+
i guess her way of stopping me from drinking is killing myself if i do
|
|
2445
|
+
i decided to have dinner with three friends to forget about the painful break up with my boyfriend
|
|
2446
|
+
the first friend announced that she and her boyfriend had just bought a house the second one that he was no longer single and the third one revealed that she was pregnant
|
|
2447
|
+
after 3 years at my job i received a 14% raise
|
|
2448
|
+
i was informed i will be transitioned from hourly to salary
|
|
2449
|
+
i will now be making $1500 less than i made last year
|
|
2450
|
+
i learned 15 years later that my puppy from when i was 4 was not taken by santa because he was in need of a reindeer
|
|
2451
|
+
my parents took him to the shelter because they thought he was ugly
|
|
2452
|
+
on the way home from the dog groomer my great dane had a bout of diarrhea in the car
|
|
2453
|
+
i slammed on the brakes and my other freshly shampooed dog slid off the seat and into the pile of crap
|
|
2454
|
+
i kissed a boy i have liked since the first day of university
|
|
2455
|
+
i was thrilled until he followed it with right i dont think we should tell anyone this happened
|
|
2456
|
+
not that theyd believe it anyway he then patted my ass and walked away
|
|
2457
|
+
its my birthday and my kids made me a card
|
|
2458
|
+
unfortunately my kids used the wall for paper
|
|
2459
|
+
now i have red and blue crayon all over my bedroom wall
|
|
2460
|
+
while at my dorm i experienced a vomit-inducing migraine
|
|
2461
|
+
in my hurry to get to the bathroom to puke i couldnt find a pair of shoes
|
|
2462
|
+
i urgently needed the toilet so i braved the communal bathroom barefoot
|
|
2463
|
+
as i opened the stall door i stepped in someone elses fresh vomit
|
|
2464
|
+
i joked with my dad saying id gotten my boyfriend pregnant
|
|
2465
|
+
in response he slapped me threw my phone across the room smashed my laptop and then took a moment for what id said to sink in
|
|
2466
|
+
i realized ive been sinking into a deep depression ignoring all my friends and dont know what to do with my life anymore
|
|
2467
|
+
this is all because i gave up facebook for lent
|
|
2468
|
+
my girlfriend of 3 years confessed that at first shed only dated me to get her friend jealous and that even now she only kind of liked me
|
|
2469
|
+
i bought a ring only a few days ago and was planning on proposing to her
|
|
2470
|
+
i discovered my boyfriend has been slipping me abortion pills to supplement my regular birth control
|
|
2471
|
+
i discovered my cat frequently licks my toothbrush
|
|
2472
|
+
i was cooking and i took a pot of boiling water to the sink to drain
|
|
2473
|
+
my pot holder slipped and the boiling water spilled all over my breasts
|
|
2474
|
+
second degree boob burns are bad but losing half a nipple to potato salad is worse
|
|
2475
|
+
while driving i got a call on my cell phone
|
|
2476
|
+
trying to be safe and avoid an accident i pulled into the nearest parking lot before answering
|
|
2477
|
+
while i was turning in to park someone rear-ended me
|
|
2478
|
+
my three housemates got into a huge fight and ended up declaring their undying hatred for each other
|
|
2479
|
+
they now refuse to talk to each other and ive become their go-between
|
|
2480
|
+
yesterday we signed the lease for another year in the house together
|
|
2481
|
+
i was waiting for the bus while wearing my new shirt
|
|
2482
|
+
a passer-by stopped stared at me for a moment and said i agree your life sucks
|
|
2483
|
+
i was talking to my wife of two years on the phone when she suddenly broke down and confessed to having been cheating on me with my best friend
|
|
2484
|
+
apparently it started 8 months ago
|
|
2485
|
+
ive been in afghanistan for 10 months
|
|
2486
|
+
i dropped my blackberry but thanks to the protective gel case that i just purchased for it
|
|
2487
|
+
it bounced and fell right into a sidewalk drainage sewer
|
|
2488
|
+
my boyfriend tried to cure me of my snake phobia by buying one
|
|
2489
|
+
when he took it out of the cage it bit him
|
|
2490
|
+
now hes terrified of them too
|
|
2491
|
+
even worse he dropped the snake so its now loose in our house
|
|
2492
|
+
i found out im pregnant
|
|
2493
|
+
my boyfriend and i have been dying to have kids together
|
|
2494
|
+
this would be an exciting moment if he wasnt deploying in june and will miss everything except the morning sickness
|
|
2495
|
+
i realized that even though i was an honor student throughout school and considered the golden child who was going to go far in life all ive accomplished a year after graduation is becoming an unemployed single mother still living with my parents
|
|
2496
|
+
i was painting my bedroom walls when i was struck with an uncontrollable bout of diarrhea
|
|
2497
|
+
i had to watch helplessly from the en-suite bathroom as my 2 year old daughter painted a lovely picture for me all over my new $500 sofa
|
|
2498
|
+
i was walking in the park with my girlfriend when out of nowhere i was savaged and brutally humped into submission by a massive great dane
|
|
2499
|
+
not only did my girlfriend watch it all but the dogs owner took the time to snap a few pictures with his phone
|
|
2500
|
+
neither bothered to help me
|
|
2501
|
+
my girlfriend and i were playfully arguing about who loved the other more
|
|
2502
|
+
after about a minute of this my girlfriend walked over and kicked me in the crotch as hard as she could
|
|
2503
|
+
she then said there now you dont love me as much
|
|
2504
|
+
i win
|
|
2505
|
+
i decided to mock a few stuck-up runners by effortlessly jumping over the track hurdles
|
|
2506
|
+
the last one was the easiest
|
|
2507
|
+
the easiest to crush my balls on and twist my ankle up in the process
|
|
2508
|
+
i walked into a room where a guy was violently picking his nose
|
|
2509
|
+
he kept picking
|
|
2510
|
+
a very pretty girl walked in after me and he immediately stopped and sat up straight
|
|
2511
|
+
apparently im too ugly to motivate strangers to stop excavating their nasal cavities
|
|
2512
|
+
i found out my dad has a 1-in-a-million disease that makes your liver process pain medication at twice the rate of a normal person
|
|
2513
|
+
if that wasnt bad enough he also tells me he hopes i dont have it too because it can be passed down
|
|
2514
|
+
he said this because im 29 weeks pregnant
|
|
2515
|
+
my dad said that if i walked home from school a distance of 8 miles he would give me $50
|
|
2516
|
+
two hours and four massive blisters later i come home
|
|
2517
|
+
when i asked for my money he said i was kidding
|
|
2518
|
+
i wound up in hospital because my boyfriend covered my face in fake gore while i was sleeping to see if i was really as scared of blood as i claimed
|
|
2519
|
+
sure enough when i saw my reflection in the bathroom mirror i fainted smashing my head against the counter on the way down
|
|
2520
|
+
i managed to convince the girl of my dreams to stop being so shy and put herself out there to get her crush to make a move
|
|
2521
|
+
it worked
|
|
2522
|
+
and yet as it turns out im not her crush after all
|
|
2523
|
+
i realized i dont know which is sadder: the fact i have detailed conversations with myself in my car or that i bought a bluetooth earpiece so that i can do it in public without people thinking im a complete lunatic
|
|
2524
|
+
i woke up to a beautiful sunrise the smell of bacon in a frying pan and some random dickhead trying to pick the lock on my front door
|
|
2525
|
+
i told my crush of two years that i love him
|
|
2526
|
+
he responded with an aww im sorry
|
|
2527
|
+
and a pity hug
|
|
2528
|
+
my friends sat me down and said they were concerned i was self-harming
|
|
2529
|
+
i dont self-harm im just a massive klutz
|
|
2530
|
+
they dont believe me and want me to get professional help
|
|
2531
|
+
and now because i found it all so funny they think im mentally unhinged
|
|
2532
|
+
i came home from a week-long vacation only to find my mother-in-law didnt just dog-sit while i was gone; she moved in along with all her possessions and seems to think its a permanent deal
|
|
2533
|
+
on my 21st birthday a relative asked me if i was still engaged to the love of my life
|
|
2534
|
+
the man i spent several years with gave my virginity to moved across the country for who promised to marry me before my 21st and who swore he was over his ex for good
|
|
2535
|
+
no but thanks for asking
|
|
2536
|
+
i was forced to look on in utter horror as an old lady backed out of her parking space kept going well past the turning point and slammed straight into my car putting a dent in the front and shattering the headlights
|
|
2537
|
+
my boyfriend referred me to me as just a friend to his ex
|
|
2538
|
+
they swapped phone numbers
|
|
2539
|
+
i learned that i can work out for over an hour a day cut my daily calories by almost half keep careful track of my diet drink nothing but water and not lose a pound
|
|
2540
|
+
but i can sure as hell gain weight after one dinner at a buffet
|
|
2541
|
+
someone wearing dark grey clothes thought it would be a good idea to run in front of my car in the pouring rain
|
|
2542
|
+
i slammed on my brakes and managed to stop before id have turned him into a blood sprinkler
|
|
2543
|
+
unfortunately the person behind me didnt
|
|
2544
|
+
i was in church
|
|
2545
|
+
after we were done praying i quickly sat back down accidentally crushing my testicles in the process
|
|
2546
|
+
i squealed loudly and all but pissed my pants earning me plenty of weird looks from the congregation
|
|
2547
|
+
i managed to stab myself with a knife while trying to open something without a can opener
|
|
2548
|
+
after getting stitches and returning back home i went to make a cup of coffee
|
|
2549
|
+
i found the can opener in the cutlery drawer
|
|
2550
|
+
i noticed that the injury on my hand from three weeks ago no longer hurt
|
|
2551
|
+
a while later i accidentally slammed that same hand in a door
|
|
2552
|
+
my girlfriend tearfully complained that i was smothering her to death with my clinginess and that i should learn to respect her boundaries
|
|
2553
|
+
this is after she complained i wasnt giving her enough attention
|
|
2554
|
+
while searching for the pungent odor that has been lingering in my sons bedroom i discovered various types of juice my son has been storing to make wine
|
|
2555
|
+
after a huge row with my best friend at school i hid myself away in the bathroom and quietly sobbed to myself
|
|
2556
|
+
a kid loudly busted into the stall next to me and took a minute-long shit that sounded like a hailstorm of bullets
|
|
2557
|
+
the putrid stench made me retch and violently throw up everywhere
|
|
2558
|
+
i was trying to replace the lightbulb in my bedroom
|
|
2559
|
+
since i couldnt reach it by myself i grabbed and stood on a chair
|
|
2560
|
+
after i got two broken bones and had stitches in my forehead i figured that using a chair with wheels probably wasnt the best idea after all
|
|
2561
|
+
i fell going down the stairs to the subway platform during rush hour
|
|
2562
|
+
someone was kind enough to help me up and someone else was kind enough to steal my iphone which had fallen out of my pocket and landed nearby
|
|
2563
|
+
my dad came home drunk and called me hot
|
|
2564
|
+
my boyfriend and i were lying in bed together and i was in a snuggly mood
|
|
2565
|
+
i rolled over to gaze lovingly into his eyes and whisper sweet nothings to him in the darkness
|
|
2566
|
+
his response dear god did somebody fart in your mouth
|
|
2567
|
+
just a few minutes after i got to work my usually laconic boss came into my office and said pack your stuff and get the f*ck out
|
|
2568
|
+
apparently half my department was being downsized
|
|
2569
|
+
thinking it was an april fools i burst out laughing and told him how funny the prank was
|
|
2570
|
+
he wasnt kidding
|
|
2571
|
+
i caught my boyfriend secretly using my hair straightener while i was in the other room
|
|
2572
|
+
too embarrassed to talk to him about it i left and came back later only to discover him slipping on a pair of my panties
|
|
2573
|
+
i was dumped by my boyfriend
|
|
2574
|
+
were currently sharing a room on a cruise ship
|
|
2575
|
+
my friend called me at work to tell me that someone had hit my motorcycle and that it was in pretty bad shape
|
|
2576
|
+
i chuckled and waited for the april fools that would follow
|
|
2577
|
+
a picture of my wrecked bike came instead
|
|
2578
|
+
i was out enjoying my daily jog when out of nowhere a group of kids in a passing car pelted me with ketchup-filled water balloons
|
|
2579
|
+
i found out that my dog is so lazy she doesnt even get out of my bed in the morning to poop
|
|
2580
|
+
i gave up my seat on the subway for an elderly man
|
|
2581
|
+
he thanked me by grabbing my ass
|
|
2582
|
+
i learned that when i leave skid marks in the toilet my wife uses my toothbrush to remove them
|
|
2583
|
+
i asked my 2 year old son to clean up his toys
|
|
2584
|
+
when i bent down to give him a good job kiss afterwards he punched me in the nose
|
|
2585
|
+
my ex fiancée who left me six months ago asked if id mind if she used the wedding dress i bought her for our wedding
|
|
2586
|
+
shes just gotten engaged again
|
|
2587
|
+
while shopping i was grabbed and dragged off to a security room with no warning
|
|
2588
|
+
apparently the way i was dressed and walking was suspicious
|
|
2589
|
+
i was reading my boyfriends online diary
|
|
2590
|
+
it started off really sweet saying he was in a wonderful relationship with me and how he utterly adored me
|
|
2591
|
+
it then slowly progressed into loathing and wondering what he ever saw in me all because i have a low sex-drive
|
|
2592
|
+
i attended a funeral
|
|
2593
|
+
during the minute of silence my phone went off
|
|
2594
|
+
my ringtone is its good to be alive
|
|
2595
|
+
i was in ikea when my friends and i thought it would be fun to play hide and seek
|
|
2596
|
+
we all hid; i was in a good hiding spot
|
|
2597
|
+
half an hour later i was still there
|
|
2598
|
+
i texted my friends to see where they were
|
|
2599
|
+
they all left to see a movie and forgot about me
|
|
2600
|
+
i went with my beautiful fiancée to tell her grandmother whos a bit senile that we were engaged
|
|
2601
|
+
her response: i know hes very nice but think about the chubby little ugly children hell give you
|
|
2602
|
+
this was followed by a recollection of her ex-boyfriends who wouldve fathered attractive kids
|
|
2603
|
+
my wife told me that she was leaving me for someone with more hair
|
|
2604
|
+
i was in the shower grooming myself for my second anniversary with my boyfriend
|
|
2605
|
+
halfway through the hot water ran out
|
|
2606
|
+
i now have the choice of going with the low half-fro or risking hypothermia
|
|
2607
|
+
my boyfriend thinks hypothermia would be the better option
|
|
2608
|
+
amazon didnt deliver the present i bought my mother for mothering sunday so she called me an ungrateful bastard
|
|
2609
|
+
and about half an hour ago i cut my thumb whilst making her lunch
|
|
2610
|
+
she said youre doing this on purpose so i feel sorry for you
|
|
2611
|
+
well i dont
|
|
2612
|
+
while bending over to get the brownies i was making out of the oven my husband slapped my butt
|
|
2613
|
+
i fell into the oven
|
|
2614
|
+
sun was shining and i felt confident enough to go sunbathing at the beach
|
|
2615
|
+
in only my bikini and towel i laid out to get some sun
|
|
2616
|
+
a while later a little girl came up to me and said arent you embarrassed that youre so huge
|
|
2617
|
+
my girlfriend called me and asked what i was doing
|
|
2618
|
+
i replied what im always doing
|
|
2619
|
+
she couldnt think of anything besides eating
|
|
2620
|
+
i was awoken by my dad yelling into my ear
|
|
2621
|
+
in shock i jumped up off the couch and came smashing down into the coffee table
|
|
2622
|
+
my roommate thought it would be a good idea to show me his huge new tarantula despite knowing that i have extremely severe arachnophobia
|
|
2623
|
+
i ended up killing it with a book and apparently now owe him $500
|
|
2624
|
+
i was at a grocery store with my 3 year old son
|
|
2625
|
+
as i was picking a cereal out an older man comes over and says you should have used condoms
|
|
2626
|
+
what an ugly boy
|
|
2627
|
+
i had diarrhea in a public bathroom
|
|
2628
|
+
when i was finished i noticed that someone had pissed all over the toilet paper
|
|
2629
|
+
i went up to a girl at a bus stop and started chatting her up
|
|
2630
|
+
her response am i being robbed
|
|
2631
|
+
i went to my boyfriends house to break down and cry because his mother hates me for unknown reasons
|
|
2632
|
+
i walked in gave him a long hug and started sobbing
|
|
2633
|
+
i then saw his mother
|
|
2634
|
+
she was visiting him to complain about how terrible a person i am
|
|
2635
|
+
i was watching animal planet while babysitting my 4 year-old niece
|
|
2636
|
+
a really cute baby bunny came on and i called her into the room only for her to see it get killed by a bald eagle
|
|
2637
|
+
now she wont stop crying
|
|
2638
|
+
i was excited about being set up on a blind date by one of my new co-workers
|
|
2639
|
+
it turns out the guy she thought would be a totally perfect match for me is the ex who cheated on me
|
|
2640
|
+
i found out that my mom and dad got a divorce
|
|
2641
|
+
they didnt tell me they just changed their relationship status on facebook
|
|
2642
|
+
my fiancé and i visited his family for dinner
|
|
2643
|
+
the entire time i was there his mother and sister had an in depth conversation about how attractive his ex girlfriends were and how they got along with them so well
|
|
2644
|
+
my dad woke me up for the second time to get me ready for school
|
|
2645
|
+
wanting me to prove i was really awake he made me sit up
|
|
2646
|
+
as soon as he left my room i dozed off and faceplanted my nightstand
|
|
2647
|
+
i returned home to find the key to my mailbox missing
|
|
2648
|
+
i called the post office and was informed that a new key will cost me $15
|
|
2649
|
+
i have no money and my paycheck is in the mailbox
|
|
2650
|
+
i was walking home through the slush and snow when a car drove by soaking me with dirty water
|
|
2651
|
+
frustrated i flipped him off
|
|
2652
|
+
he then turned around and splashed me again
|
|
2653
|
+
i heard that one of our customers had passed away
|
|
2654
|
+
saddened i told everyone who came into our shop about his death
|
|
2655
|
+
understandably some customers got very upset and one even fainted
|
|
2656
|
+
suddenly the dead man walked into the shop
|
|
2657
|
+
turns out i got the name wrong
|
|
2658
|
+
i got in a car accident on the way to work
|
|
2659
|
+
i received an abusive phone call from my boss saying he shouldnt have to cover my lazy ass
|
|
2660
|
+
i was driving to cover his shift because he was too drunk to show up to work
|
|
2661
|
+
my four year old daughter came up to me with her finger in her ear
|
|
2662
|
+
she then let me know that her earwax tasted better than the dinner i made
|
|
2663
|
+
in front of my whole family
|
|
2664
|
+
i arrived twenty minutes early for my opening shift at work so i decided to turn on the radio and wait in my nice warm car
|
|
2665
|
+
i woke up two hours later with twelve missed calls from my boss and a dead car battery
|
|
2666
|
+
i told my boss i was too sick to come to work
|
|
2667
|
+
he asked if i had a late night so i told him i stayed in
|
|
2668
|
+
apparently i ran into him at a bar last night and was too drunk to remember it
|
|
2669
|
+
i went to a baseball game
|
|
2670
|
+
it was windy so i decided to get my hat from the car trunk
|
|
2671
|
+
when i opened it and reached in loose papers started flying everywhere
|
|
2672
|
+
panicked my dad slammed the trunk shut on my fingers
|
|
2673
|
+
entering the stadium i discovered it was free hat day
|
|
2674
|
+
while attempting to sneak out of my boyfriends parents house during my walk of shame i fell down the stairs spilling cherry coke all over myself their walls and the carpet
|
|
2675
|
+
i was at a band concert with 500 other people
|
|
2676
|
+
the song they were performing stopped and i loved it so much i stood up and clapped
|
|
2677
|
+
everyone stared while i slowly realized the song wasnt over
|
|
2678
|
+
i learned that my parents nickname for my fiance is dickwad
|
|
2679
|
+
i found out that our neighbors told almost everyone on our street that i was mentally handicapped
|
|
2680
|
+
all this time i wasnt sure why they would speak slowly and loudly at me
|
|
2681
|
+
now they wont believe me when i tell them im a 4
|
|
2682
|
+
0 gpa student
|
|
2683
|
+
my 3 year old daughter decided to put black nail polish over the webcam lens on my laptop because it wasnt all black so i decided to fix it
|
|
2684
|
+
i spent six hours driving between two airports to try and catch my flight
|
|
2685
|
+
two trailer accidents two construction zones three detours and one police escort later the airline wouldnt let me on the plane
|
|
2686
|
+
i was at my boyfriends house and we were just about to kiss
|
|
2687
|
+
until his mum walked in saying his girlfriend was at the door
|
|
2688
|
+
i thought i was already there
|
|
2689
|
+
i told my mother i have a girlfriend
|
|
2690
|
+
her first answer was does she know
|
|
2691
|
+
i was cleaning my bathroom and accidentally spilled bleach ruining my shower curtain rugs and towels
|
|
2692
|
+
while attempting to wipe up the bleach i knocked over a bottle of shower cleaner
|
|
2693
|
+
it read warning: do not mix with bleach
|
|
2694
|
+
i still cant go in the house
|
|
2695
|
+
i was prescribed anti-anxiety medication due to the high level of stress that i experience at my job
|
|
2696
|
+
unfortunately i cannot afford the medication because i do not make enough money at said job
|
|
2697
|
+
i was at a local talent show and during a piano performance i had to go to the bathroom
|
|
2698
|
+
i sang along in the bathroom but was unaware how loud i was until i walked out and everyone started applauding me while the pianist was still playing
|
|
2699
|
+
i subbed for a first grade class
|
|
2700
|
+
they were releasing butterflies
|
|
2701
|
+
butterflies scare me shitless
|
|
2702
|
+
a bunch of 7 year-olds watched as i screamed hysterically when one landed on me
|
|
2703
|
+
i was on my way home on my bike when a lady in a 4wd cut me off while beeping her horn and calling me a stupid f**ker who should get a proper education
|
|
2704
|
+
in her car she was smoking and her three children werent wearing seat belts
|
|
2705
|
+
my boyfriend and i flew to another country to see a concert
|
|
2706
|
+
he said hed carry all the cash and tickets in his wallet so i left my bag at the hotel
|
|
2707
|
+
he got so drunk five minutes into the show he took off leaving me stranded in a strange city with no means of getting back to the hotel
|
|
2708
|
+
my boyfriends parents visited us
|
|
2709
|
+
when everyone was chatting in the room i needed to go to the bathroom
|
|
2710
|
+
i got up and wanted to walk away when i sneezed and farted at the same time
|
|
2711
|
+
i thought they didnt hear it until my boyfriends brother said: that wasnt just a sneeze was it
|
|
2712
|
+
i found out that my entire class me included has to rewrite the painfully difficult midterm we wrote last week
|
|
2713
|
+
all this because the professor left the exams strewn across her desk
|
|
2714
|
+
the cleaners thought it was trash and disposed of them
|
|
2715
|
+
i discovered that an unmentioned side effect of my new medication is body zits
|
|
2716
|
+
i now have zits on my neck my ear and inside my nose
|
|
2717
|
+
i got fired from my job
|
|
2718
|
+
i caught a customer taking pictures up my skirt and my boss fired me for calling the police and making a big deal out of it
|
|
2719
|
+
i finally found out what the weird sour smell thats been in my dorm room for a while is
|
|
2720
|
+
my roommates sweat
|
|
2721
|
+
i sprained my sternum in my rugby match
|
|
2722
|
+
i now cant yell laugh cough inhale or exhale fully or sneeze without a sharp pain shooting through my chest
|
|
2723
|
+
i have a pollen allergy and sneeze every 5 or 10 minutes
|
|
2724
|
+
it was sunny and bright so i woke up feeling great
|
|
2725
|
+
i pulled back the curtains in my room and saw my cat dead on the lawn
|
|
2726
|
+
i finally learned why the application of lasers acids liquid nitrogen and witchcraft never did any good on the huge warts on my hands
|
|
2727
|
+
apparently its a genetic disease and not a virus
|
|
2728
|
+
for unknown reasons ive recently grown the normal viral kind too
|
|
2729
|
+
on my tongue
|
|
2730
|
+
a guy who annoys me walked over
|
|
2731
|
+
to avoid speaking to him i pretended to be on the phone and he walked away
|
|
2732
|
+
a few moments later my phone rang
|
|
2733
|
+
i looked around to see if hed seen me
|
|
2734
|
+
he had
|
|
2735
|
+
he was the one ringing me from down the hall
|
|
2736
|
+
i was walking along when i saw this girl kissing her boyfriend
|
|
2737
|
+
i thought to myself i wish i had a boyfriend like that
|
|
2738
|
+
im a guy and straight
|
|
2739
|
+
at least i thought i was
|
|
2740
|
+
at 21 years old i am still so flat chested that i cant even fit into training bras meant for 12 year olds
|
|
2741
|
+
four hours before a test i received an email from my professor saying that the test had been canceled
|
|
2742
|
+
when i checked my email again before bed i found another email from my professor saying that his email had been hacked and the test was was still on
|
|
2743
|
+
the company i work for decided to go green and stopped using the air conditioner to cool down the office
|
|
2744
|
+
it is currently 81 degrees at my desk
|
|
2745
|
+
i accidentally clamped my hair straightener down on my ear
|
|
2746
|
+
eleven hours later it still feels like i have a burning swollen fireball hanging off the side of my head
|
|
2747
|
+
while at the beach my little sister thought it would be cute to feed a small seagull some of her food
|
|
2748
|
+
minutes later a flock of seagulls swarmed and attacked me and my sandwich
|
|
2749
|
+
i brought my own thermos of coffee on the train with me the kind that flips open to uncover the mouth part
|
|
2750
|
+
i take a few swigs and notice a cute boy nervously smiling at me
|
|
2751
|
+
suddenly i feel something drip down my nose
|
|
2752
|
+
the flip part was leaving drops of coffee all over my forehead
|
|
2753
|
+
i was talking to a guy on the phone
|
|
2754
|
+
i told him id be right back
|
|
2755
|
+
i thought id put him on mute
|
|
2756
|
+
turns out he heard everything as i took the biggest dump ive ever taken
|
|
2757
|
+
we havent talked since
|
|
2758
|
+
i was in the emergency room
|
|
2759
|
+
the doctor told me that my injuries and back problems are the intensity of those after a car accident
|
|
2760
|
+
i slipped on a grape
|
|
2761
|
+
my husband told me that he cant find his passport
|
|
2762
|
+
were supposed to be leaving for prague in two days
|
|
2763
|
+
hes known about the trip for months
|
|
2764
|
+
it was the anniversary vacation that was going to help our frayed relationship
|
|
2765
|
+
now my money is going to a hotel in prague but im not
|
|
2766
|
+
i stepped outside my office building for a smoke break and i witnessed a mugging so i ran over to stop it
|
|
2767
|
+
i succeeded in getting mugged instead of the original target
|
|
2768
|
+
i then couldnt get into my building until a coworker left an hour later
|
|
2769
|
+
my boss was mad and still doesnt believe me
|
|
2770
|
+
is my birthday
|
|
2771
|
+
everyone forgot except my stalker
|
|
2772
|
+
he rang the door bell the second it turned 12:00
|
|
2773
|
+
i finally found a reason to quit smoking
|
|
2774
|
+
i threw my cigarette butt out the window and it blew back in went down the back of my pants and burnt my butt in 3 different places
|
|
2775
|
+
as a going away present after five years of military service and one combat tour the hospital scheduled me for a prostate exam
|
|
2776
|
+
i discovered that not only is my live-in mother in law a fan of lady gaga she dances around the house naked to fully embrace the music
|
|
2777
|
+
while making my son lunch he pooped took off his diaper stepped in it and then climbed to the gate to call for me
|
|
2778
|
+
when i arrived he had a big smile on his face and exclaimed look shit footprints were everywhere
|
|
2779
|
+
the highlight of my day was learning how to drain my dogs anal glands
|
|
2780
|
+
i finally confessed my feelings to my long time crush
|
|
2781
|
+
he was the only one ive been able to muster up the courage to open up to
|
|
2782
|
+
he replied lmao and hasnt texted back since
|
|
2783
|
+
after getting up to press snooze on my alarm clock i climbed back into bed
|
|
2784
|
+
when i went to reach for the covers quickly because i was cold i missed yet still managed to pull back my fist with force punching myself in the face
|
|
2785
|
+
i now have a bloody fat lip
|
|
2786
|
+
i found out that my now-ex slept with his not-so-ex the day before our wedding
|
|
2787
|
+
i found out my cat is allergic to me
|
|
2788
|
+
no kidding
|
|
2789
|
+
feeling social i went to a bar
|
|
2790
|
+
during a trip to the dimly lit restroom i fixed my makeup and carefully penciling my sparse eyebrows
|
|
2791
|
+
after an evening of meeting new people i went home
|
|
2792
|
+
in my well-lighted restroom i discovered that my eyebrow pencil was actually my bright red lip liner
|
|
2793
|
+
i went on a date for the first time in eight months
|
|
2794
|
+
he didnt make a move
|
|
2795
|
+
i then asked if we were on a date
|
|
2796
|
+
he said i dont know i guess
|
|
2797
|
+
i cant tell either
|
|
2798
|
+
my grandma got up at 6:30am clattered about the bathroom then sang religious songs at the top of her voice for half an hour
|
|
2799
|
+
apparently this is her normal routine weekends included
|
|
2800
|
+
she is staying with us for a month
|
|
2801
|
+
i found out via a twitter post that my girlfriend is pregnant
|
|
2802
|
+
when i picked up my repeat subscription of anti-anxiety medication they had changed the packaging to be more child safe
|
|
2803
|
+
now its so hard to get the pills out that i had an anxiety attack trying to take one
|
|
2804
|
+
i filed my taxes
|
|
2805
|
+
as a divorcée with children i was supposed to get $3500 back from the irs
|
|
2806
|
+
alas my exs new wife already filed with my children who dont live with her
|
|
2807
|
+
i now owe the irs $250
|
|
2808
|
+
i had to call aaa because not only did i lock my keys in the car i also locked in my toddlers
|
|
2809
|
+
my dad decided to have a little father and daughter bonding time
|
|
2810
|
+
unfortunately his idea of bonding involves him sitting around at home getting piss drunk and falling asleep
|
|
2811
|
+
while dog sitting the dog peed on the carpet
|
|
2812
|
+
there was a bottle of cleaning spray on the counter so i sprayed the spot
|
|
2813
|
+
turns out that spray was clorox bleach
|
|
2814
|
+
now their carpet is bright orange
|
|
2815
|
+
i was reading a blog post by a girl that i really like
|
|
2816
|
+
in the post it said i know im not beautiful
|
|
2817
|
+
i told her that i thought it wasnt true at all
|
|
2818
|
+
she responded by crying hysterically and asking me why i would say that
|
|
2819
|
+
it turned out that it actually said i know im beautiful
|
|
2820
|
+
my dog was barking at a squirrel in the yard
|
|
2821
|
+
i opened the door to let him chase the squirrel
|
|
2822
|
+
i went to look at the dead squirrel and found out it was the neighbors chihuahua
|
|
2823
|
+
my husband tried to be romantic by throwing me in a bed laid with roses
|
|
2824
|
+
too bad he forgot to remove the thorns first
|
|
2825
|
+
a stoned man tried to break into my house
|
|
2826
|
+
my head has been killing me
|
|
2827
|
+
ive had the worst headache ever
|
|
2828
|
+
happy that i could finally sleep i plopped onto my bed and bashed my head on the wall
|
|
2829
|
+
i went outside to smoke a cigarette
|
|
2830
|
+
i had my headphones in and was blasting my music
|
|
2831
|
+
it was also cold so i had my hood up
|
|
2832
|
+
i had my back turned to the house and wasnt paying attention
|
|
2833
|
+
my brother thought i was a burglar and tackled me to the concrete
|
|
2834
|
+
after three days of hospital camping with my very sick husband he was finally out of danger when i left last night to get my first good nights sleep in almost 96 hours
|
|
2835
|
+
he woke me at 5 a
|
|
2836
|
+
with a phone call asking me to bring him comic books because hes bored
|
|
2837
|
+
Âmy dog decided to fly through the front door like superman
|
|
2838
|
+
all 180lbs of her promptly slammed sideways into the wall putting a dog-sized hole in the plaster
|
|
2839
|
+
we had a tornado warning and i told my parents i loved them just in case
|
|
2840
|
+
my dad just said see you in kansas
|
|
2841
|
+
i woke up with a fever and a migraine
|
|
2842
|
+
i work at an audiology clinic and my day consists of being shouted at down the phone by practically deaf people
|
|
2843
|
+
my phone wasnt working properly
|
|
2844
|
+
after sending out 40 texts and getting no replies i decided to test my phone by sending it a text from my old phone
|
|
2845
|
+
the text came through straight away
|
|
2846
|
+
turns out my phones working perfectly and 40 people are just ignoring me
|
|
2847
|
+
i went to work at a chemotherapy clinic
|
|
2848
|
+
after explaining to a patient about the risks and benefits of chemotherapy for his underlying metastatic lung cancer he asks is it ok to smoke during chemotherapy
|
|
2849
|
+
i went on a date with a girl
|
|
2850
|
+
we drove separately and met at the restaurant
|
|
2851
|
+
over the course of two hours she drank a gallon and a half of beer then her boyfriend picked her up because she was too drunk to drive home
|
|
2852
|
+
i bought myself a brand-new 52 flatscreen
|
|
2853
|
+
it was only in my house for 2 hours before my toddler had a tantrum threw a toy right into the screen and wrecked it beyond repair
|
|
2854
|
+
i paid to have a nice tv for 2 hours
|
|
2855
|
+
the girl i was babysitting was being disrespectful to me so i took away her stuffed animal and told her that she couldnt have it back until she apologized
|
|
2856
|
+
she ended up sneaking onto my laptop and deleting all the pictures id saved from my recent vacation to europe
|
|
2857
|
+
i found out that if i were 2 inches shorter i would have to sit in a booster seat in the car
|
|
2858
|
+
im about to turn 22
|
|
2859
|
+
i was robbed
|
|
2860
|
+
they took my fathers ashes
|
|
2861
|
+
ive been on the same train for two hours at a standstill due to signal problems
|
|
2862
|
+
we cant get off because its unsafe
|
|
2863
|
+
im on my way home from work and i can see my house through the window
|
|
2864
|
+
the maintenance man fixed a leak in my apartment by flooding the place
|
|
2865
|
+
my girlfriend openly admitted to me that she wouldnt have gone out with me if she hadnt been drunk
|
|
2866
|
+
my dad set my hair on fire while cooking
|
|
2867
|
+
he then tried to convince me that it spontaneously combusted
|
|
2868
|
+
i broke up with my now ex-girlfriend for the 5th time
|
|
2869
|
+
she still hasnt got the hint
|
|
2870
|
+
my girlfriend chose the most expensive restaurant in town then spent the entire time facebooking texting and playing games on her phone while i dined in silence
|
|
2871
|
+
this is the second time weve been out this week
|
|
2872
|
+
she didnt even eat her food
|
|
2873
|
+
i didnt even get a thank you
|
|
2874
|
+
i wore a stanford college t-shirt to school
|
|
2875
|
+
my spanish teacher took one look at it and said you wish
|
|
2876
|
+
i used my hair straightener to attempt to straighten my eyelashes and burned my eyelid
|
|
2877
|
+
i dont know whats sadder that fact i thought it would be fun or that i was stupid enough to think i wouldnt hurt myself
|
|
2878
|
+
i saw my unemployed 29-year-old son who still lives with us reading the work section of the newspaper and prayed that he was looking for a job
|
|
2879
|
+
he was looking for the comics
|
|
2880
|
+
at 6am i was waiting for the tram to go home from my late night job
|
|
2881
|
+
a homeless man came up to me and offered to buy me a beer because guys like us have to stick together
|
|
2882
|
+
i had my girlfriend drive me to go buy a motorcycle
|
|
2883
|
+
i rode it 50 minutes home got in the drive way put the kick stand down and then lost my balance and fell on the other side
|
|
2884
|
+
i paid $3000 to drop it in the first hour and break the turn signal off
|
|
2885
|
+
while at an important meeting at work i got to watch helplessly as a police officer gave me a parking meter ticket
|
|
2886
|
+
added to that my boss chewed me out for never paying attention and staring out the window during meetings
|
|
2887
|
+
i watched my dog chase his tail for ten minutes thinking wow dogs are easily entertained
|
|
2888
|
+
then i realized that id been watching my dog chase his tail for 10 minutes
|
|
2889
|
+
i was watching tv and started freaking out thinking i forgot to tell my boyfriend happy anniversary
|
|
2890
|
+
i wrote him a text and after it sent i realized the date is mine and my exs anniversary date
|
|
2891
|
+
i got attacked by my own dog
|
|
2892
|
+
i dont know what will be harder telling everyone how my dog thought i was a robber or explaining to them why a 25 year old man owns a poodle
|
|
2893
|
+
i came out to my parents
|
|
2894
|
+
they nodded empathetically throughout my entire speech and told me repeatedly that it was okay
|
|
2895
|
+
as i smiled and stood up my dad asked but youre still going to marry a guy right
|
|
2896
|
+
my high school guidance counselor tried to convince me not to go to college mainly because its been so long since someone from my high school went to college that she got rid of all the college information she used to have
|
|
2897
|
+
i had an allergic reaction to cranberry juice
|
|
2898
|
+
the only reason i was drinking cranberry juice was to help with a bladder infection
|
|
2899
|
+
now im covered in what looks like a rash and peeing constantly
|
|
2900
|
+
my teacher told me i wasnt pretty enough to play the princess part in the play
|
|
2901
|
+
i freaked out when the remote wouldnt unlock my car
|
|
2902
|
+
i stood in the rain trying to open the door
|
|
2903
|
+
unsure of what to do next i called my boyfriend
|
|
2904
|
+
he told me to put the key in the door
|
|
2905
|
+
i had forgotten about that option
|
|
2906
|
+
i ran a red light in front of a cop and got pulled over
|
|
2907
|
+
my friend thought it would be funny to throw a knife in my lap and scream help me officer he has a knife
|
|
2908
|
+
i bumped into an old school friend
|
|
2909
|
+
id heard she was pregnant so the first thing i did was congratulate her
|
|
2910
|
+
not only was she not pregnant but the reason she managed to get so fat was because of comfort eating due to her miscarriage last month
|
|
2911
|
+
my roommate told me there is some restricted number that keeps calling and waking her up at odd hours of the night
|
|
2912
|
+
she then says shes getting the police involved to find out who it is because she feels harassed
|
|
2913
|
+
im the restricted caller calling to wake her up from snoring so loud
|
|
2914
|
+
i held a door open for my boyfriend and jokingly said chivalry is dead he responded with whos chivalry
|
|
2915
|
+
my boyfriend punched a hole in a door
|
|
2916
|
+
this is on top of the broken handle cracked sink top dented fridge and other holes in the wall he has also made
|
|
2917
|
+
we are 4 months into our year lease
|
|
2918
|
+
i dont think we are getting our $720 deposit back
|
|
2919
|
+
i made my young niece lunch
|
|
2920
|
+
after she claimed to have eaten it all she wanted to go out and play
|
|
2921
|
+
i was putting my shoes on when i found part of the sandwich i made her stuffed in my shoe
|
|
2922
|
+
i confronted my husband about him being unfaithful
|
|
2923
|
+
he said his reasons were because hes just not attracted to me anymore and my current weight repulses him
|
|
2924
|
+
im six months pregnant with his child
|
|
2925
|
+
i gave myself a bloody nose while trying to show my brother how to use a yo-yo
|
|
2926
|
+
to impress my friends i attempted to do a back flip
|
|
2927
|
+
the only one impressed was the doctor who set my broken leg
|
|
2928
|
+
my boyfriend finally let me take his dog on a walk after two years of not trusting me to keep her safe
|
|
2929
|
+
during the walk a car drove by causing her to run after it and pulling the leash out of my hand
|
|
2930
|
+
five hours later and i still cant find her
|
|
2931
|
+
during a major argument with my girlfriend i shoved a door open which then rebounded and hit me in the face
|
|
2932
|
+
im not sure which is more pathetic: that i was savaged by a door or that i made up a story about kicking a muggers ass to explain the huge black eye to my coworkers
|
|
2933
|
+
i got dressed up for the first time in days to go have sushi with a friend
|
|
2934
|
+
when i walked out to my car i noticed that the passenger window was shattered and the car robbed
|
|
2935
|
+
whats worse is id forgotten to lock the side doors anyway
|
|
2936
|
+
i sneezed so hard i fell down the stairs
|
|
2937
|
+
i was at the hairdressers getting a trim
|
|
2938
|
+
the lady doing my hair commented on how beautiful and luscious my hair was which made me feel really good
|
|
2939
|
+
i later overheard her telling her colleague that hair as nice as mine was wasted on someone with a face like mine
|
|
2940
|
+
i found my dead phone that had been missing for two weeks
|
|
2941
|
+
i turned it on to see that i had only gotten 2 text messages during the two weeks
|
|
2942
|
+
they were both from my mother
|
|
2943
|
+
my 15 year old daughter got kicked out of her cheerleading squad because she was overweight
|
|
2944
|
+
i heard one of the cheerleaders say she must be overweight because her mom is
|
|
2945
|
+
my husband of 30 years told me that he thought we should just be friends
|
|
2946
|
+
i saw a spider crawling across a poster in my bedroom so i smacked the spot below it to scare the spider into climbing back up the wall
|
|
2947
|
+
instead because the poster wasnt completely flat to the wall i catapulted the spider straight into my face
|
|
2948
|
+
my girlfriend of 3 and half years broke up with me just after i fixed-up her house that took me about 3 and a half years
|
|
2949
|
+
my mom called me and said i made your sister laugh so hard she peed her pants
|
|
2950
|
+
i got home and noticed she also peed on my bed
|
|
2951
|
+
i woke up with my eye swollen half shut
|
|
2952
|
+
to spare the embarrassment i asked my mom if i could stay home from school
|
|
2953
|
+
she said no but also attempted to make me feel better by saying that with my eye my acne was unnoticeable
|
|
2954
|
+
my boss friend requested me on facebook
|
|
2955
|
+
my profile picture is of me licking his employee of the month picture for a dare
|
|
2956
|
+
after watching over my drunken mother all last night to make sure she didnt choke on her own vomit i came to the conclusion that at the age of 53 shes more of a party animal than i ever will be
|
|
2957
|
+
im a 22 year old man
|
|
2958
|
+
i was sitting in the park eating a sandwich when a homeless guy asked me for some spare change
|
|
2959
|
+
i said i didnt have any
|
|
2960
|
+
he offered an erotic striptease in exchange for my sandwich
|
|
2961
|
+
i said no
|
|
2962
|
+
he gave one anyway
|
|
2963
|
+
i walked back to work on an empty stomach
|
|
2964
|
+
i realized that potato chips are made from potatoes
|
|
2965
|
+
im 26
|
|
2966
|
+
the only person to tell me happy birthday was the cop who pulled me over as he handed me my ticket
|
|
2967
|
+
i went on my first official date ive been on since my divorce
|
|
2968
|
+
things were going great until he ordered his fourth 32oz beer; he got hammered and became a horny octopus
|
|
2969
|
+
oh and he farted whiled trying to give me a goodnight kiss
|
|
2970
|
+
my wife and i were planning our nursery for our future child
|
|
2971
|
+
she said that wed be painting it pink either way
|
|
2972
|
+
i asked what would happen if we had a boy
|
|
2973
|
+
she said oh hell be gay with a menacing glare
|
|
2974
|
+
im worried
|
|
2975
|
+
after receiving the third call this week from teachers about my son falling asleep in class i decided that it would be a good idea to hide his xbox controllers
|
|
2976
|
+
he decided it would be a good idea to hide my diabetes medication
|
|
2977
|
+
while relaxing in the kitchen drinking coffee my dad suddenly rushed in knocking me over and causing me to spill boiling hot coffee all over myself
|
|
2978
|
+
then my dad thought it would be a good idea to grab the sprayer from the sink and douse me with cold water in order to put me out
|
|
2979
|
+
i got hurt and spent the remainder of the day limping
|
|
2980
|
+
i wish i could say it was from something badass like roller derby but i cant
|
|
2981
|
+
a woman with a rolling cart filled with packs of pepsi rolled over my foot on the bus
|
|
2982
|
+
my boyfriend and i shared our first kiss
|
|
2983
|
+
his partly digested nachos decided to make an appearance halfway through
|
|
2984
|
+
i had to take a mandatory drug test with the doctor present
|
|
2985
|
+
nervous i couldnt get myself to pee in the cup right away
|
|
2986
|
+
when i finally did i couldnt stop myself from overfilling the cup and getting pee all over myself
|
|
2987
|
+
i had an all day volleyball tournament in a town an hour away
|
|
2988
|
+
my dad left early not realizing he was my ride home
|
|
2989
|
+
im now stranded in the middle of a rural town with no way home anytime soon
|
|
2990
|
+
i was pretending to be an angry bear while babysitting a 3 year old boy and an 19 month old girl
|
|
2991
|
+
i was chasing them around the house having a great time
|
|
2992
|
+
just when i bent over to pick up his sister for a diaper change the 3 year old decided it was his turn
|
|
2993
|
+
he bit me square on the ass
|
|
2994
|
+
my dog ate a $2000 check
|
|
2995
|
+
my credit card bill gets taken out of my bank account tomorrow
|
|
2996
|
+
the fire alarm went off in my dorm
|
|
2997
|
+
not only was it 30 degrees outside but i was in the shower
|
|
2998
|
+
a young boy helped me carry my groceries home
|
|
2999
|
+
he then asked me to sign his sheet to certify that he had done half an hour of service to the elderly
|
|
3000
|
+
im 46
|
|
3001
|
+
my husband and i were diagnosed with herpes
|
|
3002
|
+
weve been together for five years and were both virgins before
|
|
3003
|
+
even the doctor couldnt give any other explanation
|
|
3004
|
+
my dad decided to wake me up by opening the shades and having the sun shine on my face
|
|
3005
|
+
when he pulled them up the metal holder on top broke off and fell on me
|
|
3006
|
+
i got a postcard from my boyfriend who is on vacation in the caribbean
|
|
3007
|
+
hes breaking up with me
|
|
3008
|
+
i started my first day of work at my new job
|
|
3009
|
+
they had a section in the parking lot for employees only so i parked there
|
|
3010
|
+
apparently my boss didnt recognize my car and had it towed
|
|
3011
|
+
i was cutting a little boys hair at the hairdressers where i work
|
|
3012
|
+
while cutting his bangs i noticed his forehead was surprisingly warm
|
|
3013
|
+
when i asked him if he felt ok he threw up all over my gown
|
|
3014
|
+
i think he had some broccoli today
|
|
3015
|
+
i got a call from a girl i was seeing
|
|
3016
|
+
she said that she was falling for someone else but she still liked me and couldnt decide what to do
|
|
3017
|
+
being the romantic (idiot) i am i told her that she should do what would make her happiest thinking that she would pick me
|
|
3018
|
+
she didnt
|
|
3019
|
+
i thought it would be funny to tickle my daughters foot which she hates
|
|
3020
|
+
one bloody nose multiple scratches and 4 toe-shaped bruises later shes the one laughing
|
|
3021
|
+
i was fired from my job
|
|
3022
|
+
apparently getting shot is no valid reason to stay home
|
|
3023
|
+
my 5 week old puppy decided to sleep between my head and the headboard of my bed
|
|
3024
|
+
i sneezed and my puppy got so scared it caused him to pee on me
|
|
3025
|
+
my boyfriend of two years told me i was being too obsessive
|
|
3026
|
+
this is the guy who has gone through my phone two separate times and deleted all of my male contacts
|
|
3027
|
+
i finally started my job as an in-home caregiver
|
|
3028
|
+
the man i was hired to care for died two hours after i made it to his house
|
|
3029
|
+
i was carefully drawing blood from a drunk whod threatened to kill me if i hurt him when another drunk behind me decided to take a piss on my leg
|
|
3030
|
+
my sister told me she didnât want me in her wedding pictures because i looked fat in my bridesmaids dress
|
|
3031
|
+
i watched free willy with my daughter
|
|
3032
|
+
later on she decided to free her 6 pet mice into the house
|
|
3033
|
+
i woke up to a strange sound that sounded like a lot of water being poured into a sink
|
|
3034
|
+
it was actually my father in law using the bathtub as a toilet
|
|
3035
|
+
hes staying with us and is showing no signs of leaving any time soon
|
|
3036
|
+
he thinks this is acceptable behavior
|
|
3037
|
+
i was putting red nail polish on my nails and put a newspaper on the table to make sure that it didnt spill
|
|
3038
|
+
i later discovered the nail polish made the newspaper stick to the table
|
|
3039
|
+
i scrubbed nail polish remover on it thinking it would help but instead bleached the table
|
|
3040
|
+
my family and i discovered that my sleepwalking has escalated into sleep-raiding-the-fridge after i woke up on my kitchen floor in a puddle of melted ice cream surrounded by my parents brother and dogs
|
|
3041
|
+
apparently my recent dieting plans arent going over too well with my subconscious
|
|
3042
|
+
i told my son that his grades are dropping and his behavior is getting out of hand
|
|
3043
|
+
to which he replied yeah so is your weight
|
|
3044
|
+
while enjoying a nice dinner out i observed a homeless man giggling hysterically to himself while wiping boogers on my bike seat and handlebars
|
|
3045
|
+
i realised that what i had thought was my dads default state for the past 17 years is actually his drunken state
|
|
3046
|
+
my friend and i were bouncing around on a trampoline
|
|
3047
|
+
we brought my dog up to bounce him around
|
|
3048
|
+
we found it hilarious
|
|
3049
|
+
he didnt
|
|
3050
|
+
he attacked us
|
|
3051
|
+
i was taking a crap in a public stall when three kids broke down the door and pelted me with eggs
|
|
3052
|
+
as i was out walking one homeless man sitting with two others asked me for something to eat
|
|
3053
|
+
trying to do a good deed i bought the three men a bag of apples
|
|
3054
|
+
they then fought viciously over them before the first man chased me for handing them to the wrong one
|
|
3055
|
+
i walked into the laundry room when my mom pulled a condom wrapper out of my pants pocket
|
|
3056
|
+
she looked at me and said you know you cant wash and reuse these
|
|
3057
|
+
i finally got the courage to talk to a guy i secretly like
|
|
3058
|
+
i was so nervous that instead of saying hi im veronica i said veronica im high
|
|
3059
|
+
my cat took a shit in my toaster
|
|
3060
|
+
my manager told me to throw out some of the old toys at the daycare we work at
|
|
3061
|
+
i cant because ive seen toy story 3 and thinking about them in a dump makes me cry
|
|
3062
|
+
im 28
|
|
3063
|
+
i picked up on a telemarketer and started speaking in portuguese
|
|
3064
|
+
it turns out that this particular telemarketer spoke it as well
|
|
3065
|
+
every time i hung up he called back
|
|
3066
|
+
telemarketers get really excited when they find out someone else speaks their language
|
|
3067
|
+
im a student vet
|
|
3068
|
+
part of my holiday work is to gain experience working at a dairy
|
|
3069
|
+
a cow came on to the platform for me to inject her udder
|
|
3070
|
+
as i was bent over she decided to take a dump
|
|
3071
|
+
onto my left eyeball
|
|
3072
|
+
i went for a job interview
|
|
3073
|
+
i was asked if i wanted a drink
|
|
3074
|
+
i have no idea why but i replied a bottle of milk please
|
|
3075
|
+
i decided to start my exercise video routine
|
|
3076
|
+
its an african dance workout dvd
|
|
3077
|
+
just as i felt confident and motivated about getting in shape i realized that my window was wide open and my neighbors were getting a front row seat to me waving my arms in the air like an idiot
|
|
3078
|
+
i went shopping for a nice outfit to wear for a job interview
|
|
3079
|
+
a fake job interview
|
|
3080
|
+
one that i just made up so my mother would get off my case about finding a job
|
|
3081
|
+
i dont know which is sadder the fact that i cant get a job or that my mother actually believed me about the interview
|
|
3082
|
+
at work i spent half an hour trying to convince an elderly customer that no i wasnt a messenger sent by the devil to take her soul to hell
|
|
3083
|
+
its been 5 years ive been working for a man that wont admit he has tourettes
|
|
3084
|
+
he sits at his desk twitching his head and hissing like a snake
|
|
3085
|
+
hes also randomly said things like nipples jessica simpson potato peeler etc
|
|
3086
|
+
i feel like its become my job to warn new employees
|
|
3087
|
+
i paid £140 for a train ticket
|
|
3088
|
+
all the seats were full
|
|
3089
|
+
when i sat in the corridor the guard yelled at me
|
|
3090
|
+
i paid £140 to stand outside a stinking train toilet for 7 hours
|
|
3091
|
+
i realized i can tell which one of my 6 roommates has taken a dump just based on the smell emanating from the toilet
|
|
3092
|
+
i got a letter from my mother-in-law stating that demons made her spread rumors about me all over my hometown before my wedding
|
|
3093
|
+
i logged on to facebook and had 64 notifications
|
|
3094
|
+
i thought that perhaps i was popular
|
|
3095
|
+
but no it was my ten year old sister liking 64 of my pictures
|
|
3096
|
+
i fell asleep at a party
|
|
3097
|
+
i farted so loud that i woke myself up
|
|
3098
|
+
everyone heard
|
|
3099
|
+
a coworker introduced herself to me and told me she hopes i enjoy my new job
|
|
3100
|
+
weve worked in the same building for two years
|
|
3101
|
+
i say hello every time i see her
|
|
3102
|
+
i noticed this guy crying in the park
|
|
3103
|
+
i went up to him to see what was wrong
|
|
3104
|
+
apparently his girlfriend broke up with him and he also said he wanted to kill himself
|
|
3105
|
+
my first response was dont youll regret it later in life
|
|
3106
|
+
one of my really close friends changed from being free to quite busy in the space of one conversation because i suggested that we hang out
|
|
3107
|
+
i was on train when an attractive girl got on
|
|
3108
|
+
there were no free seats and seeing as how my stop was next i gave her mine
|
|
3109
|
+
as soon as i did the train came to an immediate halt due to brake problems
|
|
3110
|
+
i spent the next 40 minutes standing up
|
|
3111
|
+
i asked my boyfriend if he was growing a mustache as he had whiskers
|
|
3112
|
+
he looked at me and said no but apparently you are
|
|
3113
|
+
i ran into a guy who i was completely in love with for months
|
|
3114
|
+
after a couple of minutes i realised he totally bores me senseless
|
|
3115
|
+
what a waste of 4 months obsessing over that shithead
|
|
3116
|
+
i went to the dentist to have a tooth pulled
|
|
3117
|
+
the day before i was too anxious to eat anything so i went in with an empty stomach
|
|
3118
|
+
there were complications during the extraction and now im not allowed to eat for the next 24 hours
|
|
3119
|
+
at work weve just hired a new load of people
|
|
3120
|
+
as an icebreaker we were paired up randomly and told to learn about our partner so that we can introduce them to the group
|
|
3121
|
+
i got matched up with someone ive worked with for 4 months
|
|
3122
|
+
mid-conversation i blurted out i dont know your name
|
|
3123
|
+
in order to avoid seeing my ex-girlfriend in class i changed my schedule for personal reasons
|
|
3124
|
+
apparently she had the same idea and changed her schedule as well
|
|
3125
|
+
we now have all the same classes together
|
|
3126
|
+
before we had just two
|
|
3127
|
+
i watched a youtube video at work because i was bored
|
|
3128
|
+
i forgot i was on a conference call and my computers desktop was shared with 15 other people
|
|
3129
|
+
no one said anything till it ended
|
|
3130
|
+
my girlfriend told me she is only going out with me because i look like the person she really wants to go out with
|
|
3131
|
+
i was on the train to work
|
|
3132
|
+
i was up late the night before causing me to doze off
|
|
3133
|
+
when i woke up i was at my station
|
|
3134
|
+
i stood up went to walk out of the door and fell flat on my face on a platform full of people
|
|
3135
|
+
someone had tied my shoelaces together
|
|
3136
|
+
the landlord of our building constructed a bathroom in the space under the stairs outside my office on the other side of a thin wall
|
|
3137
|
+
he must have some kind of bowel disorder because now i get to hear the sounds of his loud wet and gassy pooping several times per day
|
|
3138
|
+
my boyfriend finally found a roommate after hopelessly looking for months
|
|
3139
|
+
i was really anxious to meet the guy because i would most likely be spending a good amount of time with him
|
|
3140
|
+
who did my boyfriend end up picking as his new roommate my ex-boyfriend
|
|
3141
|
+
i have a new boss
|
|
3142
|
+
she claims to be a professional angry birds player
|
|
3143
|
+
i was on a three hour flight to los angeles for a corporate meeting
|
|
3144
|
+
the woman next to me instantly fell asleep and snored louder than a freight train while the kid behind me made a hobby of thashing my seat from behind
|
|
3145
|
+
when i peered over and asked him to stop he spat in my face
|
|
3146
|
+
a very attractive girl moved in across the road from me
|
|
3147
|
+
as i was leaving i noticed she was looking out her window at me
|
|
3148
|
+
i tried playing it cool only to end up tripping over my own feet hands in pocket and faceplanting the hood of my dads car
|
|
3149
|
+
at work a customer went to try on a pair of pants
|
|
3150
|
+
a few minutes later she hurriedly returned and put the pants back on the shelf without saying anything
|
|
3151
|
+
i later found out shed come down with a bout of diarrhea and apparently didnt want to pay for the dry-cleaning
|
|
3152
|
+
my dog disappeared for an hour
|
|
3153
|
+
after calling her name repeatedly she crawled out from under my bed threw up on my feet and then happily walked out the room
|
|
3154
|
+
while trying on clothes in macys someone decided to throw some shoes over the wall and into my changing stall
|
|
3155
|
+
i now have a black eye
|
|
3156
|
+
my boyfriend forgot to tell me about the all-night bender he went out on and what he got up to with my best friend
|
|
3157
|
+
but its okay; the facebook pictures say it all
|
|
3158
|
+
i was listening to my sons teacher gossip about students whilst in the grocery store
|
|
3159
|
+
i was thrilled when she described my son as a model student
|
|
3160
|
+
however she then went on to say which is surprising considering that his parents are trailer trash
|
|
3161
|
+
at 5:30 in the morning while i was fast asleep my cat decided the most threatening thing in my apartment that absolutely needed to be attacked was my left nipple
|
|
3162
|
+
my 4 year old daughter walked in while i was changing my shirt
|
|
3163
|
+
she said when i get older i am going to have big boobies just like you
|
|
3164
|
+
im her dad
|
|
3165
|
+
the toilet on the top floor of my house burst soaked the bathroom and water dripped down into the kitchen and the basement for hours when nobody was home
|
|
3166
|
+
eight blowers and a dehumidifier later the house is about 90 degrees and i cant leave
|
|
3167
|
+
i asked a coworker if she would cover for me on easter because i want to spend it with my 3 year old daughter
|
|
3168
|
+
she said no because she wants to spend easter with her kids too
|
|
3169
|
+
she doesnt have kids
|
|
3170
|
+
i had to climb over a tall gate
|
|
3171
|
+
getting to the top wasnt a problem but falling face first on the way down wasnt what id had in mind
|
|
3172
|
+
while trying on an outfit in the dressing room at the mall i got locked in
|
|
3173
|
+
i decided to take 5 minutes to try and get out by crawling under the door
|
|
3174
|
+
after i got out i realized i left my cell phone my purse and my pants inside
|
|
3175
|
+
i dislocated my arm while trying to escape from underneath a flipped over kayak
|
|
3176
|
+
who saved me my two brothers-in-law
|
|
3177
|
+
who didnt my husband because his feet were hurting
|
|
3178
|
+
i played angry birds for two hours
|
|
3179
|
+
i got so into the game i failed to remember that i was sitting on a public toilet
|
|
3180
|
+
i only realized this when the janitor came to check on me
|
|
3181
|
+
my husband and i had the grand opening to our new winery
|
|
3182
|
+
we had a big sign out front saying free grapes to try and get more people interested
|
|
3183
|
+
people kept giving us dirty looks when passing
|
|
3184
|
+
we later realized there was something covering the g
|
|
3185
|
+
while shopping at american eagle i found the same $1500 wedding ring my fiancé proposed to me with marked on sale for $10
|
|
3186
|
+
my dog decided to chase a smaller dog for three blocks
|
|
3187
|
+
when i finally caught up with him he laid down and refused to go anywhere
|
|
3188
|
+
i had to carry my 80 pounds labrador like a baby all the way home
|
|
3189
|
+
i shaved my head because i heard that one of my good friends got cancer
|
|
3190
|
+
i went to visit her in the hospital
|
|
3191
|
+
shes not bald
|
|
3192
|
+
it is both my birthday and easter
|
|
3193
|
+
my whole family came into town and my mom made a big dinner with all of my favorite foods
|
|
3194
|
+
after church i took a nap
|
|
3195
|
+
when i woke up all the food including my cake was gone
|
|
3196
|
+
no one thought to wake me up
|
|
3197
|
+
while skiing on mammoth mountain a man dressed in an easter bunny costume snowboarded into me and sent me flying
|
|
3198
|
+
not only did he hurt my wrist he also threw an easter egg at me yelled happy easter and snowboarded away
|
|
3199
|
+
i had a dream i was kidnapped by charlie sheen
|
|
3200
|
+
while letting horses out to switch pasture one ran at me sending me through the electric fence and into a mud puddle
|
|
3201
|
+
wrapped in electric fence i sat in that electric mud puddle screaming every time it shocked me
|
|
3202
|
+
help arrived once theyd had a good long laugh
|
|
3203
|
+
i woke up to find a parking ticket on my car
|
|
3204
|
+
my car was in my driveway and the cop who wrote it is my ex-boyfriend
|
|
3205
|
+
this is the third time
|
|
3206
|
+
i celebrated my birthday with a few friends at home
|
|
3207
|
+
as i bent down over my cake my friend pushed my face into it
|
|
3208
|
+
the baker should have told me she put in a stick to support the cake
|
|
3209
|
+
i organised a romantic day trip for me and my boyfriend to some tropical gardens
|
|
3210
|
+
i packed lunch and paid for the tickets
|
|
3211
|
+
he decided to bring a friend who doesnt speak english
|
|
3212
|
+
the only thing that he said that i understood was that your girlfriend eats a lot
|
|
3213
|
+
at work my boss told me i have been late under-productive and using up a lot of sick days
|
|
3214
|
+
he says my job is on the line
|
|
3215
|
+
my reason for barely showing up at work: ive been on maternity leave for 6 weeks
|
|
3216
|
+
i was mugged
|
|
3217
|
+
the guy mugging me was eating a banana
|
|
3218
|
+
i witnessed two women in a catfight ripping clothes off each other
|
|
3219
|
+
this would have been great if the two women werent my mom and my grandma
|
|
3220
|
+
my boyfriend proposed to me in front of an entire street of people
|
|
3221
|
+
weve only been dating for a week
|
|
3222
|
+
one of the women in the crowd then called me heartless and threw a hamburger at me when i turned him down
|
|
3223
|
+
i asked my friend to stop texting me because im on a limited plan and didnt want to go over my limit
|
|
3224
|
+
she responded by getting a group of her friends to text bomb me
|
|
3225
|
+
i got well over a hundred one-word texts
|
|
3226
|
+
i moved to florida because i have poor circulation and need to be in a warm environment
|
|
3227
|
+
the first day at my new job i discovered my co-worker is an overweight man who wears a wool suit every day and insists on keeping the office chilled to 65 degrees
|
|
3228
|
+
i cant feel my fingers or toes
|
|
3229
|
+
i was running a marathon
|
|
3230
|
+
i stopped to massage my stiff legs when an elderly spectator taunted oohhh yeah thats it massage those legs good boy she looked about 70
|
|
3231
|
+
while driving on the highway i got stuck in a traffic jam
|
|
3232
|
+
upon glancing over at the car in the next lane i saw it was my ex as of a week ago
|
|
3233
|
+
we sat in barely moving traffic right next to each other for half an hour
|
|
3234
|
+
my grandpa who is staying with us mistook me for a japanese soldier and started to hit me with a bat
|
|
3235
|
+
this is the second night in a row
|
|
3236
|
+
my house was robbed while i sat helplessly on the toilet with violent diarrhoea
|
|
3237
|
+
i could hear them laughing hysterically
|
|
3238
|
+
i was at the bakery i work at
|
|
3239
|
+
a man came in to pick up a cake he said he ordered but we could find neither the cake nor the order form
|
|
3240
|
+
he yelled at me about being incompetent before remembering that he had ordered the cake from a different bakery
|
|
3241
|
+
i got a letter back from the family i will be staying with as a part of an exchange program
|
|
3242
|
+
apparently they own a slaughterhouse type farm and im expected to kill one of their animals and eat it as a gift from the family
|
|
3243
|
+
im a vegan
|
|
3244
|
+
while buying groceries i noticed that the lady in front of me had left a box behind
|
|
3245
|
+
i grabbed the box and ran out the door after her
|
|
3246
|
+
after turning around to find three employees chasing me i noticed i had just stolen the donation box
|
|
3247
|
+
the ex-girlfriend im still in love with sent me an old picture with the caption i miss us
|
|
3248
|
+
she looked beautiful and happy
|
|
3249
|
+
too bad im not the guy shes kissing in the picture
|
|
3250
|
+
i learned the only job that actually wants me is as a peanut butter factory worker
|
|
3251
|
+
ive been unemployed for 9 months
|
|
3252
|
+
im also allergic to nuts
|
|
3253
|
+
my friend told me i was weird and irritating
|
|
3254
|
+
yet she has an unhealthy obsession with harry potter hates people in general and has a facebook for her cat
|
|
3255
|
+
yeah im the weird one
|
|
3256
|
+
i went on a date with a woman
|
|
3257
|
+
she brought along her stuffed rabbit and introduced us
|
|
3258
|
+
i lied to my diary about my weight
|
|
3259
|
+
its hot and sunny and a customer asked me how i was i responded by saying its a hot sunny day
|
|
3260
|
+
who doesnt love the sun he responded by telling me he had just had three melanomas cut out
|
|
3261
|
+
i guess i did find someone who doesnt like the sun
|
|
3262
|
+
i broke my toe
|
|
3263
|
+
my mom didnt think it was necessary to take me to hospital opting to give me some painkillers instead
|
|
3264
|
+
they were so strong that i fell asleep for an hour during my exam
|
|
3265
|
+
my friend told me that her favourite aunt died last night of a heart attack
|
|
3266
|
+
the first thing i could think of to say was oh no is she okay
|
|
3267
|
+
i was out shopping
|
|
3268
|
+
it was fine until my dental crossbow broke as i was laughing
|
|
3269
|
+
the springs locked and i couldnt close my mouth
|
|
3270
|
+
the orthodontist couldnt see me for two hours leaving me to walk around town with my mouth hanging open like a psychopath
|
|
3271
|
+
i actually heard my 14 year old son muse to himself if i can drive drunk in grand theft auto how hard could it be in real life
|
|
3272
|
+
a kid with severe downs came into my workplace as he does every day
|
|
3273
|
+
hes has an obsession with me sitting at a table staring and taking photos of me all day
|
|
3274
|
+
his parents have no problem with this because they think its a miracle that he can focus so much attention on me for so long
|
|
3275
|
+
on a first date i finished eating my sushi feeling proud to have managed chopsticks so elegantly and then rubbed my eye oblivious to the fact i had just touched some wasabi
|
|
3276
|
+
what followed was a classy exhibition on how to jump around screeching in pain
|
|
3277
|
+
i stepped outdoors for a minute
|
|
3278
|
+
the wind blew the door shut locking me outside
|
|
3279
|
+
ive spent the last two hours pounding frantically on the windows trying to wake my 4 year old son who is inside
|
|
3280
|
+
i can see him sleeping soundly on the couch
|
|
3281
|
+
my wife bought $80 worth of glee songs on itunes
|
|
3282
|
+
i got concussion after a goat ran in front of me while i was jogging
|
|
3283
|
+
after shopping alone at a grocery store i was taking my groceries back to my car when a kid grabbed one of my bags and ran
|
|
3284
|
+
deciding not to risk leaving the rest of my groceries stranded i didnt chase him
|
|
3285
|
+
later i realized that was the bag my credit card was in
|
|
3286
|
+
i was cuddling with my boyfriend and told him how smitten i was with him
|
|
3287
|
+
he responded by giving me a wedgie
|
|
3288
|
+
my girlfriend and her mom dropped me off at home
|
|
3289
|
+
i told my girlfriend that i love her
|
|
3290
|
+
she said nothing then her mom blurted out i love you too and drove away
|
|
3291
|
+
i was taking a dump in a porta-potty at a fair
|
|
3292
|
+
i had the runs really bad
|
|
3293
|
+
all i have to say is that its tough to take a shit that seems never-ending while other people outside are bitching at you and hammering on the flimsy door
|
|
3294
|
+
i woke my husband up at 2am screaming that there was a badger in our bedroom
|
|
3295
|
+
we both screamed for a bit until he finally says what are we screaming about i took a second look at the badger and realized it was my four year old daughter with her blanket
|
|
3296
|
+
i was absentmindedly playing with a piece of lint
|
|
3297
|
+
when i looked at it i realized that i had been rolling and squeezing a dead spider in my fingers for about five minutes
|
|
3298
|
+
i gave birth to a beautiful baby girl
|
|
3299
|
+
my husband the father of the baby got a birdie on the golf course at the exact same time
|
|
3300
|
+
my landlord informed me that after 8 months we are finally getting cable and internet in our house
|
|
3301
|
+
i move out tomorrow
|
|
3302
|
+
i was watching a movie online
|
|
3303
|
+
there was a 15 minute ad
|
|
3304
|
+
13 minutes into watching an ad about birth control i noticed that there was a skip this ad button in the corner
|
|
3305
|
+
i got married
|
|
3306
|
+
my sister and father could not attend because they already had plans
|
|
3307
|
+
my sister went to the mall with her friends and my dad went to a pool party
|
|
3308
|
+
i awoke to make-up all over my face and nail polish on my hands and feet because my daughter wanted daddy to look pretty
|
|
3309
|
+
i have a job interview in an hour and none of it is coming off
|
|
3310
|
+
its my birthday
|
|
3311
|
+
my boyfriends present to me was that he actually flushed the toilet and put the seat down
|
|
3312
|
+
while hiking my dad decided we should take the beeline trail down the mountain to save time
|
|
3313
|
+
we got to the bottom of the mountain when we discovered it was the wrong side of the mountain
|
|
3314
|
+
we had to hike 13 extra miles around it to get back to our car
|
|
3315
|
+
while waiting on tables at work i was carrying a glass of red wine when i lost balance and spilt it everywhere
|
|
3316
|
+
after cleaning the floor and myself up and after refilling a new glass i did exactly the same thing again
|
|
3317
|
+
i was awakened in the middle of the night by a frantic banging on my front door
|
|
3318
|
+
it was a guy whom id only been dating a few weeks with a suitcase
|
|
3319
|
+
he stated that his wife kicked him out for having an affair and thought now would be a good time to move in together
|
|
3320
|
+
my football coach thought it would be a good idea to get drunk run to the other sideline and scream welcome to sparta bitch this wouldve been funny if he werent also my dad
|
|
3321
|
+
i once again told my son he needed a job and a girlfriend because i simply could not keep him in my house anymore
|
|
3322
|
+
he yelled no i can do whatever i want then went back to playing video games
|
|
3323
|
+
hes 38
|
|
3324
|
+
i bought my boyfriend a gold watch for our 2 year anniversary
|
|
3325
|
+
he bought me a jar of nutella
|
|
3326
|
+
my drunk dad started yelling at my dog for not having a job
|
|
3327
|
+
a tornado watch has been instituted in my town
|
|
3328
|
+
at this moment i have violent diarrhea and my toilet sits right in front of a window
|
|
3329
|
+
when i came home from work my computer was drenched with water
|
|
3330
|
+
my sister claimed there was smoke coming out of it
|
|
3331
|
+
while my teacher was helping me with a problem the gum he was chewing fell from his mouth and down my shirt
|
|
3332
|
+
a little girl wandered into the glass-cleaning area of the pub i work at
|
|
3333
|
+
its a dangerous place for a little kid so i took her hand and asked where her mum was
|
|
3334
|
+
the kid starts screaming and the mother appears in the doorway shouting get away from my baby
|
|
3335
|
+
i returned home after a three-week trip to jamaica
|
|
3336
|
+
when i opened the door to my room i was greeted by a swarm of bees and their enormous nest which was attached to my doorknob
|
|
3337
|
+
apparently id forgotten to close the window properly before i left
|
|
3338
|
+
while being robbed a man heroically chased down the robber and got my purse back
|
|
3339
|
+
he then looked at the distance between us turned the other way and ran off with it
|
|
3340
|
+
i thought i heard someone shifting around in my house
|
|
3341
|
+
i froze in fear and then i heard it again
|
|
3342
|
+
i thought i was hearing things until i realized that it wasnt an intruder in my home
|
|
3343
|
+
the shifting noise was my thighs rubbing together when i walked
|
|
3344
|
+
i had my first job interview for eight months
|
|
3345
|
+
my interviewer noticeably yawned during my reply to the first question
|
|
3346
|
+
my boyfriend of nearly two years broke up with me because hes sick of me being annoyed at him
|
|
3347
|
+
why am i annoyed at him because he wants to go and spend a week with his ex
|
|
3348
|
+
the only person who wished me a happy birthday is the policeman who checked my identity card for being suspiciously gangster-like
|
|
3349
|
+
my doctor told me my asthma was being triggered by my dads smoking
|
|
3350
|
+
he wrote a note to my dad asking him to refrain from smoking while around me
|
|
3351
|
+
my dad took one look at the note then threw it in the trash saying the doctor doesnt know what hes talking about
|