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+her body is proportioned like a family guy character
+on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
+Yes theres a double standard. Get over it.  Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
+Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
+She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
+I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
+you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
+I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
+Soup is delicious
+Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
+he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
+Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
+When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
+No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
+Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
+I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
+I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
+And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
+I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
+did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
+say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
+At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
+You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
+What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
+As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
+well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
+You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
+he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
+When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
+don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
+I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
+if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
+Soo time for a life change, my 6 yr old sister made my gf a puke bucket for her birthday
+I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
+Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
+his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
+Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
+Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
+my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
+Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
+He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
+We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
+He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
+It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
+I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
+I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
+The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
+Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
+Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
+Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
+I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
+I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
+Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
+I don't think my prof knows we've noticed her No Bra Fridays.
+at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
+At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
+Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
+A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
+Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
+Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
+the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
+Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
+Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same.  They are like snowflakes.
+I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
+Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
+Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
+they're both coked to the gills having a shouting match about the powers and abilities of godzilla. and using the wikipedia entry on the topic to support their respective arguments.
+you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
+Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
+I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
+hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
+Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
+i was laying in her brothers bed, in his old room. and i kept getting the chills. i didn't know if it was a draft or the ghosts of BJ's past.
+scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
+You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
+you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
+apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
+A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
+There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
+He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
+Land Before Time marathon.  we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
+We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
+It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
+so some random man just messaged me on facebook "tig ol bitties" should i be concerned?
+Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
+My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
+I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
+Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
+Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
+I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
+Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
+I get to be your mom.
+I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
+Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
+Tornado warnings are fun!
+For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
+They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face.  These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
+Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
+it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
+i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
+i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
+He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
+He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
+Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
+Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
+i mad aa ber float.  budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
+He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
+Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
+I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
+All I did was present the dick.  You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
+Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
+I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'.  I need to stop hanging out with you.
+found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
+Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
+The gym has a pool
+my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
+I can't wait. Forget the royal wedding. This is the most anticipated hookup of 2011.
+guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
+One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
+If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
+you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
+I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
+She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
+all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
+I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
+We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
+Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
+We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
+ He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
+when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
+seeing two hook-ups in tagged in the same picture will send chills down anyone's spine.
+You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
+Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
+he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
+incase your class ends early, there are three naked guys in our room. but don't get too excited, they're all gay.
+I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
+How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
+Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
+while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
+dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
+you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
+he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
+you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
+I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
+they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
+Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
+was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
+His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed
+Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
+At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
+I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
+i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
+how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
+all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
+Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot.  Singlehood has come to this.
+I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
+I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
+Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
+WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
+I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
+she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
+Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
+All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
+Have invented new cocktail.  Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
+im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
+I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
+Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
+Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
+There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
+we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
+Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
+Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
+Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
+I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
+She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
+So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
+Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
+Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
+Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
+I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
+oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
+he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
+THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
+A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
+Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
+That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
+I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
+what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
+Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
+the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
+oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
+we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
+There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
+he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
+she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
+who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
+I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
+Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
+nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
+THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
+Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
+Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
+Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
+Stripperoke is exactly what it sounds...
+It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
+If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
+What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
+Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
+We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
+You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
+It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
+why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
+Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
+Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
+He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
+Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
+So if you want this MFM threesome thing to happen the other guy is here and willing
+New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
+I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
+Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
+that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
+I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
+I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
+She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
+And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
+He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
+I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
+I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
+i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
+You took a bar mat shot.
+I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
+how was ur day?
+this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
+omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
+You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
+I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
+I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
+currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
+My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
+Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
+Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
+I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
+got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
+My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
+they all just nodded
+this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
+i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
+its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
+That's science, my friend. Boner science.
+The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
+im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
+I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
+Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
+I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
+when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
+In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
+bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
+He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
+This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
+You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
+Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
+I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
+There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
+They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
+Hey got that picture this morning. 1. clean your room  2.what happened to your nail? and 3. your penis is amazing,.
+If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
+I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
+I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
+update: ifinallt managed t5o be in a. Horizontal position without throwing up... the snmall victories.
+oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
+you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
+he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
+Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
+then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
+I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
+I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
+you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
+So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
+She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
+is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
+The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
+Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
+If you're still on campus there's a jack and coke in the bathroom of fondren science Bldg. Too strong to bring to class.
+they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
+Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
+Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
+He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
+Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
+I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
+There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge. 
+its Wednesday...
+they're reeeeeally big trays
+Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
+She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
+It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
+got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
+He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
+the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
+He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
+We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
+He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
+for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
+passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
+we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
+I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
+could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
+i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
+mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
+Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
+I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
+I slept in bed with them the night they met.  I once peed on the bride.  And now I get to give a speech at their wedding.  Piece of cake.
+So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
+She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
+We just filmed our own version of iron chef.  The secret ingreient was whisky.
+What did you cook with whisky?
+We started a fire.
+We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
+WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
+he just asked if we wanted to go to an arts and crats club with him tomorrow. every day it becomes harder for me to defend his sexuality
+Am I undercharging for one hour of sex per essay? I need a serious business answer.
+I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
+remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
+woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
+Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
+just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
+pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
+There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
+You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
+soo how bad was i last night?
+licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
+REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
+Its time to go balls to the wall to get any good D during these last few weeks of college.
+I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
+i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
+oh. my. god. yes.
+There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
+just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
+She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
+The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
+i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
+Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
+Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
+Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
+He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
+He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
+When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
+I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
+Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
+did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
+i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
+I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
+As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this".  They did not believe you.
+not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
+we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here
+you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill
+He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
+In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
+He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
+She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
+I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
+he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
+Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
+His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
+just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
+and by single i mean slutty
+Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
+Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
+I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
+I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
+My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
+I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
+If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
+I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
+By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
+You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
+i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
+Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
+I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
+I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
+I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
+Hne relally is a cite oerfect gome. Nes awddddddddooooome.
+we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
+Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
+at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
+some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
+We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
+Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
+His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
+Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
+there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
+Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
+Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
+Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
+I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
+He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
+ I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
+Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
+Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
+Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey.  They swear they're sober.
+they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
+Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
+in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
+So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
+He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
+Did you not learn anything for "HERPES SCARE 2010".........
+Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
+We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
+I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
+my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
+Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
+Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
+He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
+you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
+was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
+we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
+Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
+once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
+Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
+He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
+We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
+If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
+If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
+not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago.  hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
+U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
+Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
+Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
+yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
+the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
+True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
+dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
+It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
+You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
+It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
+After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
+since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
+Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
+There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
+The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
+First off, get on bc solely in preperation for this event. Second, as my little sister you have a lot of whore to live up to.
+He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
+Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
+Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
+That's terrible.  At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
+Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
+I think I have vodka in my lungs
+Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
+Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
+Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
+I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
+I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart.  Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
+you dipped you banana in queso last night.
+Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
+today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
+I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
+Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
+I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
+all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
+Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
+Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
+pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
+I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
+oh my god i'm in a crawl space
+So I am just swinging blind here, but I am guessing that blood in your sinus is not ideal
+He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
+I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
+I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
+I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
+Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
+I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
+we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
+When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
+It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
+Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
+apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
+You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
+The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
+yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
+You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
+Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
+found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
+He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
+I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire.  im sure I'll laught about this someday...
+One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
+we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
+Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
+Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
+He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
+Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
+I had my first sober conversation with his roommate.  I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
+I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
+Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
+I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
+I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
+I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
+Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
+They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
+They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
+Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
+Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
+There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
+You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
+Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
+He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
+Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
+He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
+Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
+You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
+I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
+judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
+I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
+Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
+Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
+Did everyone make it back alive? 
+You say that with such hope.
+Is that a no?
+guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
+Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
+Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
+new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
+I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
+He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
+I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
+You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
+I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
+sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
+It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
+You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
+Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
+Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
+He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
+A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
+I'm starting to blur the boundary between reasonable senioritis and self-destruction. Somewhat-openly hittin the flask in 11am class
+I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
+going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
+Chances are I'll be there for your wedding.  Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
+How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
+I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
+he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
+I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
+He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
+Drunk
+Deyhxbr
+Fucaerrrrr
+She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
+Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford.  Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy.  Never drinking alone again.
+I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
+Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
+Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
+That's yours. We cut you off.
+Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
+Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
+He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
+I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
+I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
+i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
+I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
+thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
+Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
+Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
+When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
+The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
+the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
+you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
+The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
+He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
+Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
+Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
+this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
+His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
+Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
+He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
+We made out for three hours.  Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party.  So yes, I'm still drinking.
+Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
+I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
+You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
+If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
+Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
+its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
+No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
+One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner.  This is so unfair.
+I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
+I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
+He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
+I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
+my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
+Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
+Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
+I am both scared and jealous.
+It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
+It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
+Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
+Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
+I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
+I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
+Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
+The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember.  Do you?
+handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
+quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
+The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
+some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
+Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
+he quoted the bible to break up with me
+Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
+its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
+his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
+Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
+She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
+apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
+you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
+Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
+Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
+When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
+You left your underwear on the fireplace
+please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
+You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
+Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
+Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
+It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
+Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
+This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
+Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
+My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
+He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
+u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
+im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
+She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
+I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
+He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
+I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
+She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
+I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
+I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
+we already have meals planned for the weekend.
+SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
+buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
+Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
+Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
+He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
+Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
+The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
+Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
+I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
+I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
+Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
+When it gets to the point that I'm more comfortable being naked at his house than my own, it's time to readdress the fuckbuddyship.
+THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
+FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
+I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
+I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
+They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
+and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
+He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
+He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
+Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
+She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
+What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
+slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
+I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
+I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
+I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
+Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
+I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
+I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
+he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
+oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
+i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
+You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
+We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
+Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
+he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
+We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
+Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
+After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
+He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
+We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
+3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
+they call him Oral-B. enough said
+but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
+My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
+At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
+Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
+Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
+I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
+I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
+story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
+They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
+Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
+you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
+just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
+Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
+I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
+The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
+We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
+My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
+Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
+My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
+booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again
+you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
+i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
+On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
+We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
+you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
+i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
+You did a strip tease for the toilet.
+It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
+We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
+THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
+Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
+The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
+I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
+We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
+I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
+I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
+Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
+my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
+Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
+Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
+I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
+Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
+So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
+You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
+I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
+Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
+My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
+can we get together and have a vodka water gun fight?  i need to get som intense excersise/alcohol
+Pissing in la rieve gfox. Jer zsyuis diu drunk but it felt amazunbg
+Dans le librearie ivetre. Hjhaha
+I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
+Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
+You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
+Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
+so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
+It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
+i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship.  By breaking into his house.
+I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
+Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
+thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
+The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
+Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
+I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
+Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
+Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of  asian newborns.
+Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
+Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
+Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
+when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
+Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
+You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
+Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
+Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
+The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
+Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
+Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
+You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
+Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
+Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis...  that's what he's got going for him.
+Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
+Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
+Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
+You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
+you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
+found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
+Side note, we are 25 fighting over our sophmore year RAs Drunk facebook attention
+These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
+He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
+Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
+just when i thought i had forgotten how badthe sex was he comes across campus solely to say hi
+I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
+She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
+Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
+Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
+He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
+his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
+I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
+So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
+Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
+he has the hands of the vagina gods.
+There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
+every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
+He's currently rapping every word to 'more money more problems' at what could be a over 30s gay bar. I'm not sure yet. More info to come.
+I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
+i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
+she could've warned me his penis was curved
+ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
+She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
+I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
+all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
+U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
+Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
+The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
+At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
+Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
+She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
+i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
+My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
+The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
+Whatevss it will be funn .. Hopefully no one projectile vomits on the wall again.. Its kinda become a tradition though
+This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
+I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
+We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
+im almost positive that in mid thrust she told me she was pro choice
+The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
+how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
+just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
+they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
+on my way.
+I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
+So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
+You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
+Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
+i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
+He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
+i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
+Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
+I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
+He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
+i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
+Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
+where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
+You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
+Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
+Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
+You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
+Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
+Just invented taco cereal.
+Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
+Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
+I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
+im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
+My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
+Yes perhaps we are both wrong. And did you call me bj girl?
+we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
+she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
+Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
+i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
+okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
+You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
+I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
+You thought last year was bad...  a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
+me neither. i remember bell pepper tequila but not why or yelling
+Hahaha, I forgot about doing shots out of the bell pepper
+Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
+Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
+i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
+did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
+i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
+malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
+Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
+I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
+Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
+As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
+You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
+I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
+There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
+I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
+She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform.  Made a bad bj tolerable.
+I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
+She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
+I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
+I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
+So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
+Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
+There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
+He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
+They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
+Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
+you inspire me to be a worse person
+i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
+There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
+I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
+My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
+Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
+He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
+Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
+she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
+she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
+When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
+Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment  in our friendship
+We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
+Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
+I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
+The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
+"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
+i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
+Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
+You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
+Drunk walkin through police station. America
+Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
+In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
+just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
+Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
+This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
+Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
+I feel like my teeth are sweating.
+Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
+I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
+Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
+Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
+Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
+I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
+Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
+Come outside.  The vendor wants to go out strong tonight!  Russian hooker interviews.  Don't ask.  We leave in 3 minutes.
+She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
+Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
+im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
+The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
+Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party.  We should so be in jail.
+Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
+you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
+he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
+i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
+We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
+I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
+Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
+I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
+No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
+He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
+...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
+I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
+Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
+We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
+for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
+Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
+Jesus...So southern.
+Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
+In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
+is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
+I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
+It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
+Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
+He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
+He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
+He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
+Considering how often you blow him,high.
+no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
+My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
+I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
+I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
+My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
+I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
+it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
+level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
+She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
+Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I  guess I moved the oven.
+He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
+There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
+Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
+I will probably be peed on at some point today.
+I need a pic of your cock for our cock collage
+ 4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
+Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
+josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
+The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
+Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
+I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
+Its a Guy he gets weed for. I'm kinda confused as to why there are going to even be tuxedos involved at all.
+Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
+thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
+We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
+ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
+I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
+Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
+I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
+Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
+you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
+It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
+Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
+On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
+I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
+i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
+everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
+I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
+she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
+You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
+Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
+There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
+We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
+Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
+i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
+yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
+At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
+Agreed. And i highly doubt it could be awkward. You do remember our introduction was a direct result of you mentioning your affinity for my genitals, right?
+He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
+The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
+If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
+No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
+Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
+You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
+If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
+I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
+He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
+Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
+Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
+I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
+When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
+Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
+dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
+i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
+I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
+you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
+No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
+Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
+I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
+I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
+His blow is so strong I threw up. Buy it. I'm in nursing school I know what I'm talking about.
+The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
+I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
+i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
+Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
+I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
+He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
+You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
+He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
+I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
+Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
+Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
+I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
+Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
+Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
+I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
+My overnight senior got drunk and hooked up with Kaylee on Sunday. I checked Facebook and he already put down his deposit for next year. This school should pay me a commission.
+The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
+Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
+i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
+I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
+Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
+I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
+why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
+My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
+Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
+She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
+Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
+On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
+And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
+I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
+yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
+hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
+Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
+I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
+He got tattooed, peirced, and we're pretty sure he got rufeed by that fat chick.  He was like a walking spring break stereotype.
+I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
+Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
+There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
+My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
+You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
+I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
+there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
+I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
+So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
+No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
+She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
+Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
+i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
+I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
+when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
+I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
+In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
+Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
+at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
+i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
+I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
+I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
+She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
+she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
+Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
+Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
+New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
+You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
+I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
+I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
+i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
+Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
+New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
+I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
+You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
+just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
+First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
+Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
+I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
+We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
+The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
+what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
+I just found a bag of teeth...
+do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
+you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
+I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
+you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
+and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
+did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
+Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
+Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
+If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
+Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
+Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
+i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
+A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
+Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
+I can feel the alcohol in my calves
+When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
+Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
+Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
+Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
+they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
+I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
+He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
+Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
+I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
+I have no recollection of sleep choking you
+the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
+there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
+i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
+First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
+I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
+Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
+Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
+Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
+She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
+Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
+After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
+I am fine. Katie thinkr i broke things pole dancing. I am coherant.
+i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
+Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
+He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
+After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
+we didnt even have break up sex...
+you had it for us with someone else...
+Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
+FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
+Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
+I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
+When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
+Just realized the guy is in my class.  Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
+Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
+so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
+Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
+Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
+I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
+Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had.  More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05.  And about as weird.
+I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
+I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
+Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
+I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
+She said she wanted to have closure sex.
+I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
+I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
+I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
+I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
+So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
+He called his prostate his "boner button".
+Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
+Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
+I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
+You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM?  You're right, she was cute.
+She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
+I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
+This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
+If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
+I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
+That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
+I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
+Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
+Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
+Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
+MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
+getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
+It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
+Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
+We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
+Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
+I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
+Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
+i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
+thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
+anything for my little brother.
+we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
+Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
+She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
+In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
+my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
+I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
+You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
+Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
+he tried to breastfeed my turtle
+I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
+we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
+Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
+professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
+The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
+All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
+Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
+I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
+He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
+Bullshit.  No way.  If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
+We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
+She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
+He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
+Well, as a member of the greater american southwest gay community I just have to mark this as a total loss and you will be missed.
+There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
+If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
+My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
+Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
+Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
+Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
+I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
+She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
+Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
+reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
+some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
+Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
+I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
+she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
+Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
+He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
+Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
+He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
+I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
+Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
+I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared. 
+I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
+hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
+I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
+I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
+Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
+you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
+dizzyuy bat. 3.453 lkos. hoit sx, now im single. blackouteed
+Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
+there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
+When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
+are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
+i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
+you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
+Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
+i get of class at 4. it takes me 17 minutes to walk home and 3 to load a bowl. thank you, priority registration.
+i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
+Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
+Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
+do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
+I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
+I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet.  Again.
+Yeah he's still asleep.  I washed the blender out.  He tried to make a ham-shake.  Lets wait until after break to have that talk.  I kind of want to see where this goes.
+Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
+I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
+Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
+Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
+just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
+Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
+Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
+Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
+He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
+Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
+you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
+Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
+Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
+He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
+I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
+were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
+..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
+we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
+Someone shattered a urinal.
+There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
+I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
+he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
+Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
+He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
+Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
+i will  be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
+My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
+his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
+Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
+there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
+False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
+My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
+ambylanc
+what?
+there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
+Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
+it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
+Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
+I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
+She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
+I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
+He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
+Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
+I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
+What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
+I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
+I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
+I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
+I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
+I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
+He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
+he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
+I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
+Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
+Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
+Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
+He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
+she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
+I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
+I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
+I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
+Just curious... Do you still have the cocks bracelet? You know, the one we pass around to whoevers been the biggest slut recently?
+This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
+I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
+i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
+Starting drinking whiskey at eight.  Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
+THAT WAS  PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
+Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
+Not till Sunday. I'm going to sleep in my car. And I know. This place is insane. Blood on the stAirs 5 dollar slices of pizza. A girl on our floor had a stroke.
+speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
+There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
+Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
+Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
+I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park.  Please be proud.
+90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
+Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
+there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
+Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
+They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
+I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
+ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
+Green mimosas i think yes
+Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
+I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
+Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
+I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
+It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
+matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
+St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
+Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
+He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
+I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
+FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
+It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
+Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
+dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of  ice.
+So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
+She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
+he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
+She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
+We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
+This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
+we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
+I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
+Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
+Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
+I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
+I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
+and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
+shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
+you dont
+i dont
+Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
+I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
+I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
+All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors.  I don't think today will be any different.
+I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
+Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
+I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
+So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
+I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
+Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
+I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
+Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow.  Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
+There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English.  You're welcome.
+Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
+SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
+She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
+Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
+Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
+I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
+as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
+Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
+She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
+Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
+Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
+at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
+Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
+I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
+filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
+I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
+Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
+I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
+I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
+I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina.  This is not a time to be calm.
+We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
+My lab manual has instructions for making home wine.  Room project?
+Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
+How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time?  It's me, Hans.
+I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
+it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
+she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
+btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
+She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
+and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
+JAMES WASHOMGTON STATE ATTACKED US
+WE'RE FYCKED UL HARDCORW
+THE REISLING ATRACEX US
+this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
+Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
+I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
+I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
+Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
+i made a dollar
+You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
+Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
+Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
+Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
+He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
+Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
+I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
+He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
+How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
+I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
+dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
+We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
+I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
+One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
+get over here now. the boys are doing shots of everclear, chasing with monster, and some dude jsut walked in with a backpack full of tattoo gear.
+Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
+You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
+At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
+You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
+It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
+Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
+ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
+I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
+My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
+well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
+How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
+Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
+hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
+you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
+He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
+He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
+It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
+I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
+Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
+Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
+i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
+Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
+You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
+i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
+you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
+Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
+just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
+Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night?  I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
+Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar.  Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
+Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
+this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
+Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
+btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
+Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
+Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
+I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
+Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
+Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
+Going to get a "plan B"urrito
+Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
+there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
+Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
+At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
+woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
+Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
+they're like a gay fantastic four
+I do have sympathy for you. It's just not going to manifest as a blow job.
+the room spins SO much faster in panama
+I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
+What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
+Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
+Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
+His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
+I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
+well now I have to
+No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
+he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
+I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
+ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days.  i feel like a 19 year old again
+I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
+My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
+open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
+downstairs . braiding the drunk passed out girls hair, she will thank us In the morning
+Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
+Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
+Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
+she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
+So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
+Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
+Even my vagina gasped.
+I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
+Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
+omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
+It was like getting head from an anaconda
+I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
+5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
+and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
+i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
+We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
+I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
+we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
+I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
+Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
+I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
+the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
+So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
+ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
+told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before  vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
+ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
+He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
+Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
+normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
+im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
+trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day.  i guarantee i will put out.  or puke and pass out.  really its 50/50 at this point.
+I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
+I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
+You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
+The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
+i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
+haha i know
+How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
+someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
+She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
+I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
+I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
+It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
+she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
+I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
+Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
+You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
+Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
+I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
+So the bros are yelling at another bro to get that dildo off the roof. And there is indeed a dildo looking object on the roof.
+Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
+Bank of America: Available balance is $546.25 on 03/04/2011 for account 8428. Go online for details. TextSTOPtoStop/TextHELPforHelp
+i loe djcudia fjxos rue.
+vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
+I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
+worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
+You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
+I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
+My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
+He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
+Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
+my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
+I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
+ We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.