campfire-bot 0.0.1
Sign up to get free protection for your applications and to get access to all the features.
- data/.autotest +11 -0
- data/.gitignore +6 -0
- data/Gemfile +3 -0
- data/Gemfile.lock +57 -0
- data/README.textile +52 -0
- data/TODO +72 -0
- data/bin/bot +13 -0
- data/campfire-bot.gemspec +27 -0
- data/cfbot-stop.sh +8 -0
- data/config.example.yml +31 -0
- data/lib/bot.rb +194 -0
- data/lib/event.rb +114 -0
- data/lib/message.rb +30 -0
- data/lib/plugin.rb +77 -0
- data/lib/version.rb +3 -0
- data/plugins/accountability.rb +45 -0
- data/plugins/austin.rb +29 -0
- data/plugins/basecamp.rb +48 -0
- data/plugins/beer.rb +214 -0
- data/plugins/beijing_tally.rb +30 -0
- data/plugins/boop.rb +127 -0
- data/plugins/bruce.rb +15 -0
- data/plugins/bugzilla.rb +198 -0
- data/plugins/calvin.rb +43 -0
- data/plugins/chuck.rb +23 -0
- data/plugins/dilbert.rb +51 -0
- data/plugins/excuse.rb +478 -0
- data/plugins/fail.rb +16 -0
- data/plugins/figlet.rb +10 -0
- data/plugins/fun.rb +95 -0
- data/plugins/garfield.rb +43 -0
- data/plugins/generic_search.rb +66 -0
- data/plugins/help.rb +13 -0
- data/plugins/infobot.rb +58 -0
- data/plugins/insult.rb +87 -0
- data/plugins/jira.rb +197 -0
- data/plugins/lolcats.rb +17 -0
- data/plugins/our_quotes.rb +195 -0
- data/plugins/quote.rb +31 -0
- data/plugins/schneier.rb +28 -0
- data/plugins/seen.rb +88 -0
- data/plugins/signal_filter.rb +9 -0
- data/plugins/svn.rb +167 -0
- data/plugins/twitter_echo.rb +54 -0
- data/plugins/unfuddle.rb +69 -0
- data/plugins/weather.rb +25 -0
- data/plugins/xkcd.rb +43 -0
- data/spec/beer_spec.rb +224 -0
- data/spec/bugzilla_spec.rb +90 -0
- data/spec/command_spec.rb +96 -0
- data/spec/jira_spec.rb +264 -0
- data/spec/our_quotes_spec.rb +186 -0
- data/spec/plugin_spec.rb +43 -0
- data/spec/spec.opts +1 -0
- data/vendor/escape/ChangeLog +30 -0
- data/vendor/escape/Makefile +5 -0
- data/vendor/escape/README +81 -0
- data/vendor/escape/VERSION +1 -0
- data/vendor/escape/escape.rb +302 -0
- data/vendor/escape/install.rb +109 -0
- data/vendor/escape/misc/README.erb +85 -0
- data/vendor/escape/rdoc/classes/Escape.html +427 -0
- data/vendor/escape/rdoc/classes/Escape.src/M000022.html +19 -0
- data/vendor/escape/rdoc/classes/Escape.src/M000023.html +32 -0
- data/vendor/escape/rdoc/classes/Escape.src/M000024.html +24 -0
- data/vendor/escape/rdoc/classes/Escape.src/M000025.html +19 -0
- data/vendor/escape/rdoc/classes/Escape.src/M000026.html +48 -0
- data/vendor/escape/rdoc/classes/Escape.src/M000027.html +19 -0
- data/vendor/escape/rdoc/classes/Escape.src/M000028.html +19 -0
- data/vendor/escape/rdoc/classes/Escape/HTMLAttrValue.html +113 -0
- data/vendor/escape/rdoc/classes/Escape/HTMLEscaped.html +113 -0
- data/vendor/escape/rdoc/classes/Escape/PercentEncoded.html +113 -0
- data/vendor/escape/rdoc/classes/Escape/ShellEscaped.html +113 -0
- data/vendor/escape/rdoc/classes/Escape/StringWrapper.html +242 -0
- data/vendor/escape/rdoc/classes/Escape/StringWrapper.src/M000029.html +18 -0
- data/vendor/escape/rdoc/classes/Escape/StringWrapper.src/M000030.html +18 -0
- data/vendor/escape/rdoc/classes/Escape/StringWrapper.src/M000031.html +18 -0
- data/vendor/escape/rdoc/classes/Escape/StringWrapper.src/M000032.html +18 -0
- data/vendor/escape/rdoc/classes/Escape/StringWrapper.src/M000033.html +18 -0
- data/vendor/escape/rdoc/classes/Escape/StringWrapper.src/M000035.html +18 -0
- data/vendor/escape/rdoc/classes/TestEscapeHTML.html +182 -0
- data/vendor/escape/rdoc/classes/TestEscapeHTML.src/M000008.html +18 -0
- data/vendor/escape/rdoc/classes/TestEscapeHTML.src/M000009.html +18 -0
- data/vendor/escape/rdoc/classes/TestEscapeHTML.src/M000010.html +18 -0
- data/vendor/escape/rdoc/classes/TestEscapeHTML.src/M000011.html +18 -0
- data/vendor/escape/rdoc/classes/TestEscapePercentEncoded.html +182 -0
- data/vendor/escape/rdoc/classes/TestEscapePercentEncoded.src/M000012.html +18 -0
- data/vendor/escape/rdoc/classes/TestEscapePercentEncoded.src/M000013.html +19 -0
- data/vendor/escape/rdoc/classes/TestEscapePercentEncoded.src/M000014.html +20 -0
- data/vendor/escape/rdoc/classes/TestEscapePercentEncoded.src/M000015.html +22 -0
- data/vendor/escape/rdoc/classes/TestEscapeShellEscaped.html +167 -0
- data/vendor/escape/rdoc/classes/TestEscapeShellEscaped.src/M000016.html +18 -0
- data/vendor/escape/rdoc/classes/TestEscapeShellEscaped.src/M000017.html +20 -0
- data/vendor/escape/rdoc/classes/TestEscapeShellEscaped.src/M000018.html +20 -0
- data/vendor/escape/rdoc/classes/TestEscapeStringWrapper.html +167 -0
- data/vendor/escape/rdoc/classes/TestEscapeStringWrapper.src/M000019.html +20 -0
- data/vendor/escape/rdoc/classes/TestEscapeStringWrapper.src/M000020.html +24 -0
- data/vendor/escape/rdoc/classes/TestEscapeStringWrapper.src/M000021.html +22 -0
- data/vendor/escape/rdoc/files/escape_rb.html +136 -0
- data/vendor/escape/rdoc/files/install_rb.html +250 -0
- data/vendor/escape/rdoc/files/install_rb.src/M000001.html +23 -0
- data/vendor/escape/rdoc/files/install_rb.src/M000002.html +31 -0
- data/vendor/escape/rdoc/files/install_rb.src/M000003.html +27 -0
- data/vendor/escape/rdoc/files/install_rb.src/M000004.html +27 -0
- data/vendor/escape/rdoc/files/install_rb.src/M000005.html +21 -0
- data/vendor/escape/rdoc/files/install_rb.src/M000006.html +23 -0
- data/vendor/escape/rdoc/files/install_rb.src/M000007.html +21 -0
- data/vendor/escape/rdoc/files/test/test-escape_rb.html +109 -0
- data/vendor/escape/rdoc/fr_class_index.html +36 -0
- data/vendor/escape/rdoc/fr_file_index.html +29 -0
- data/vendor/escape/rdoc/fr_method_index.html +61 -0
- data/vendor/escape/rdoc/index.html +24 -0
- data/vendor/escape/rdoc/rdoc-style.css +208 -0
- data/vendor/escape/test/test-escape.rb +90 -0
- metadata +259 -0
data/plugins/excuse.rb
ADDED
@@ -0,0 +1,478 @@
|
|
1
|
+
class Excuse < CampfireBot::Plugin
|
2
|
+
|
3
|
+
on_command 'excuse', :excuse
|
4
|
+
|
5
|
+
def excuse(msg)
|
6
|
+
|
7
|
+
excuses = %w(clock_speed
|
8
|
+
solar_flares
|
9
|
+
electromagnetic_radiation_from_satellite_debris
|
10
|
+
static_from_nylon_underwear
|
11
|
+
static_from_plastic_slide_rules
|
12
|
+
global_warming
|
13
|
+
poor_power_conditioning
|
14
|
+
static_buildup
|
15
|
+
doppler_effect
|
16
|
+
hardware_stress_fractures
|
17
|
+
magnetic_interference_from_money/credit_cards
|
18
|
+
dry_joints_on_cable_plug
|
19
|
+
we're_waiting_for_[the_phone_company]_to_fix_that_line
|
20
|
+
sounds_like_a_Windows_problem,_try_calling_Microsoft_support
|
21
|
+
temporary_routing_anomaly
|
22
|
+
somebody_was_calculating_pi_on_the_server
|
23
|
+
fat_electrons_in_the_lines
|
24
|
+
excess_surge_protection
|
25
|
+
floating_point_processor_overflow
|
26
|
+
divide-by-zero_error
|
27
|
+
POSIX_compliance_problem
|
28
|
+
monitor_resolution_too_high
|
29
|
+
improperly_oriented_keyboard
|
30
|
+
network_packets_travelling_uphill_(use_a_carrier_pigeon)
|
31
|
+
Decreasing_electron_flux
|
32
|
+
first_Saturday_after_first_full_moon_in_Winter
|
33
|
+
radiosity_depletion
|
34
|
+
CPU_radiator_broken
|
35
|
+
It_works_the_way_the_Wang_did,_what's_the_problem
|
36
|
+
positron_router_malfunction
|
37
|
+
cellular_telephone_interference
|
38
|
+
techtonic_stress
|
39
|
+
piezo-electric_interference
|
40
|
+
(l)user_error
|
41
|
+
working_as_designed
|
42
|
+
dynamic_software_linking_table_corrupted
|
43
|
+
heavy_gravity_fluctuation,_move_computer_to_floor_rapidly
|
44
|
+
secretary_plugged_hairdryer_into_UPS
|
45
|
+
terrorist_activities
|
46
|
+
not_enough_memory,_go_get_system_upgrade
|
47
|
+
interrupt_configuration_error
|
48
|
+
spaghetti_cable_cause_packet_failure
|
49
|
+
boss_forgot_system_password
|
50
|
+
bank_holiday_-_system_operating_credits__not_recharged
|
51
|
+
virus_attack,_luser_responsible
|
52
|
+
waste_water_tank_overflowed_onto_computer
|
53
|
+
Complete_Transient_Lockout
|
54
|
+
bad_ether_in_the_cables
|
55
|
+
Bogon_emissions
|
56
|
+
Change_in_Earth's_rotational_speed
|
57
|
+
Cosmic_ray_particles_crashed_through_the_hard_disk_platter
|
58
|
+
Smell_from_unhygienic_janitorial_staff_wrecked_the_tape_heads
|
59
|
+
Little_hamster_in_running_wheel_had_coronary;_waiting_for_replacement_to_be_Fedexed_from_Wyoming
|
60
|
+
Evil_dogs_hypnotised_the_night_shift
|
61
|
+
Plumber_mistook_routing_panel_for_decorative_wall_fixture
|
62
|
+
Electricians_made_popcorn_in_the_power_supply
|
63
|
+
Groundskeepers_stole_the_root_password
|
64
|
+
high_pressure_system_failure
|
65
|
+
failed_trials,_system_needs_redesigned
|
66
|
+
system_has_been_recalled
|
67
|
+
not_approved_by_the_FCC
|
68
|
+
need_to_wrap_system_in_aluminum_foil_to_fix_problem
|
69
|
+
not_properly_grounded,_please_bury_computer
|
70
|
+
CPU_needs_recalibration
|
71
|
+
system_needs_to_be_rebooted
|
72
|
+
bit_bucket_overflow
|
73
|
+
descramble_code_needed_from_software_company
|
74
|
+
only_available_on_a_need_to_know_basis
|
75
|
+
knot_in_cables_caused_data_stream_to_become_twisted_and_kinked
|
76
|
+
nesting_roaches_shorted_out_the_ether_cable
|
77
|
+
The_file_system_is_full_of_it
|
78
|
+
Satan_did_it
|
79
|
+
Daemons_did_it
|
80
|
+
You're_out_of_memory
|
81
|
+
There_isn't_any_problem
|
82
|
+
Unoptimized_hard_drive
|
83
|
+
Typo_in_the_code
|
84
|
+
Yes,_yes,_its_called_a_design_limitation
|
85
|
+
Look,_buddy:__Windows_3.1_IS_A_General_Protection_Fault.
|
86
|
+
That's_a_great_computer_you_have_there;_have_you_considered_how_it_would_work_as_a_BSD_machine?
|
87
|
+
Please_excuse_me,_I_have_to_circuit_an_AC_line_through_my_head_to_get_this_database_working.
|
88
|
+
Yeah,_yo_mama_dresses_you_funny_and_you_need_a_mouse_to_delete_files.
|
89
|
+
Support_staff_hung_over,_send_aspirin_and_come_back_LATER.
|
90
|
+
Someone_is_standing_on_the_ethernet_cable,_causing_a_kink_in_the_cable
|
91
|
+
Windows_95_undocumented_"feature"
|
92
|
+
Runt_packets
|
93
|
+
Password_is_too_complex_to_decrypt
|
94
|
+
Boss'_kid_fucked_up_the_machine
|
95
|
+
Electromagnetic_energy_loss
|
96
|
+
Budget_cuts
|
97
|
+
Mouse_chewed_through_power_cable
|
98
|
+
Stale_file_handle_(next_time_use_Tupperware(tm)!)
|
99
|
+
Feature_not_yet_implemented
|
100
|
+
Internet_outage
|
101
|
+
Pentium_FDIV_bug
|
102
|
+
Vendor_no_longer_supports_the_product
|
103
|
+
Small_animal_kamikaze_attack_on_power_supplies
|
104
|
+
The_vendor_put_the_bug_there.
|
105
|
+
SIMM_crosstalk.
|
106
|
+
IRQ_dropout
|
107
|
+
Collapsed_Backbone
|
108
|
+
Power_company_testing_new_voltage_spike_(creation)_equipment
|
109
|
+
operators_on_strike_due_to_broken_coffee_machine
|
110
|
+
backup_tape_overwritten_with_copy_of_system_manager's_favourite_CD
|
111
|
+
UPS_interrupted_the_server's_power
|
112
|
+
The_electrician_didn't_know_what_the_yellow_cable_was_so_he_yanked_the_ethernet_out.
|
113
|
+
The_keyboard_isn't_plugged_in
|
114
|
+
The_air_conditioning_water_supply_pipe_ruptured_over_the_machine_room
|
115
|
+
The_electricity_substation_in_the_car_park_blew_up.
|
116
|
+
The_rolling_stones_concert_down_the_road_caused_a_brown_out
|
117
|
+
The_salesman_drove_over_the_CPU_board.
|
118
|
+
The_monitor_is_plugged_into_the_serial_port
|
119
|
+
Root_nameservers_are_out_of_sync
|
120
|
+
electro-magnetic_pulses_from_French_above_ground_nuke_testing.
|
121
|
+
your_keyboard's_space_bar_is_generating_spurious_keycodes.
|
122
|
+
the_real_ttys_became_pseudo_ttys_and_vice-versa.
|
123
|
+
the_printer_thinks_its_a_router.
|
124
|
+
the_router_thinks_its_a_printer.
|
125
|
+
evil_hackers_from_Serbia.
|
126
|
+
we_just_switched_to_FDDI.
|
127
|
+
halon_system_went_off_and_killed_the_operators.
|
128
|
+
because_Bill_Gates_is_a_Jehovah's_witness_and_so_nothing_can_work_on_St._Swithin's_day.
|
129
|
+
user_to_computer_ratio_too_high.
|
130
|
+
user_to_computer_ration_too_low.
|
131
|
+
we_just_switched_to_Sprint.
|
132
|
+
it_has_Intel_Inside
|
133
|
+
Sticky_bits_on_disk.
|
134
|
+
Power_Company_having_EMP_problems_with_their_reactor
|
135
|
+
The_ring_needs_another_token
|
136
|
+
new_management
|
137
|
+
telnet:_Unable_to_connect_to_remote_host:_Connection_refused
|
138
|
+
SCSI_Chain_overterminated
|
139
|
+
It's_not_plugged_in.
|
140
|
+
because_of_network_lag_due_to_too_many_people_playing_deathmatch
|
141
|
+
You_put_the_disk_in_upside_down.
|
142
|
+
Daemons_loose_in_system.
|
143
|
+
User_was_distributing_pornography_on_server;_system_seized_by_FBI.
|
144
|
+
BNC_(brain_not_connected)
|
145
|
+
UBNC_(user_brain_not_connected)
|
146
|
+
LBNC_(luser_brain_not_connected)
|
147
|
+
disks_spinning_backwards_-_toggle_the_hemisphere_jumper.
|
148
|
+
new_guy_cross-connected_phone_lines_with_ac_power_bus.
|
149
|
+
had_to_use_hammer_to_free_stuck_disk_drive_heads.
|
150
|
+
Too_few_computrons_available.
|
151
|
+
Flat_tire_on_station_wagon_with_tapes.__("Never_underestimate_the_bandwidth_of_a_station_wagon_full_of_tapes_hurling_down_the_highway"_Andrew_S._Tannenbaum)_
|
152
|
+
Communications_satellite_used_by_the_military_for_star_wars.
|
153
|
+
Party-bug_in_the_Aloha_protocol.
|
154
|
+
Insert_coin_for_new_game
|
155
|
+
Dew_on_the_telephone_lines.
|
156
|
+
Arcserve_crashed_the_server_again.
|
157
|
+
Some_one_needed_the_powerstrip,_so_they_pulled_the_switch_plug.
|
158
|
+
My_pony-tail_hit_the_on/off_switch_on_the_power_strip.
|
159
|
+
Big_to_little_endian_conversion_error
|
160
|
+
You_can_tune_a_file_system,_but_you_can't_tune_a_fish_(from_most_tunefs_man_pages)
|
161
|
+
Dumb_terminal
|
162
|
+
Zombie_processes_haunting_the_computer
|
163
|
+
Incorrect_time_synchronization
|
164
|
+
Defunct_processes
|
165
|
+
Stubborn_processes
|
166
|
+
non-redundant_fan_failure_
|
167
|
+
monitor_VLF_leakage
|
168
|
+
bugs_in_the_RAID
|
169
|
+
no_"any"_key_on_keyboard
|
170
|
+
root_rot
|
171
|
+
Backbone_Scoliosis
|
172
|
+
/pub/lunch
|
173
|
+
excessive_collisions_&_not_enough_packet_ambulances
|
174
|
+
le0:_no_carrier:_transceiver_cable_problem?
|
175
|
+
broadcast_packets_on_wrong_frequency
|
176
|
+
popper_unable_to_process_jumbo_kernel
|
177
|
+
NOTICE:_alloc:_/dev/null:_filesystem_full
|
178
|
+
pseudo-user_on_a_pseudo-terminal
|
179
|
+
Recursive_traversal_of_loopback_mount_points
|
180
|
+
Backbone_adjustment
|
181
|
+
OS_swapped_to_disk
|
182
|
+
vapors_from_evaporating_sticky-note_adhesives
|
183
|
+
sticktion
|
184
|
+
short_leg_on_process_table
|
185
|
+
multicasts_on_broken_packets
|
186
|
+
ether_leak
|
187
|
+
Atilla_the_Hub
|
188
|
+
endothermal_recalibration
|
189
|
+
filesystem_not_big_enough_for_Jumbo_Kernel_Patch
|
190
|
+
loop_found_in_loop_in_redundant_loopback
|
191
|
+
system_consumed_all_the_paper_for_paging
|
192
|
+
permission_denied
|
193
|
+
Reformatting_Page._Wait...
|
194
|
+
..disk_or_the_processor_is_on_fire.
|
195
|
+
SCSI's_too_wide.
|
196
|
+
Proprietary_Information.
|
197
|
+
Just_type_'mv_*_/dev/null'.
|
198
|
+
runaway_cat_on_system.
|
199
|
+
Did_you_pay_the_new_Support_Fee?
|
200
|
+
We_only_support_a_1200_bps_connection.
|
201
|
+
We_only_support_a_28000_bps_connection.
|
202
|
+
Me_no_internet,_only_janitor,_me_just_wax_floors.
|
203
|
+
I'm_sorry_a_pentium_won't_do,_you_need_an_SGI_to_connect_with_us.
|
204
|
+
Post-it_Note_Sludge_leaked_into_the_monitor.
|
205
|
+
the_curls_in_your_keyboard_cord_are_losing_electricity.
|
206
|
+
The_monitor_needs_another_box_of_pixels.
|
207
|
+
RPC_PMAP_FAILURE
|
208
|
+
kernel_panic:_write-only-memory_(/dev/wom0)_capacity_exceeded.
|
209
|
+
Write-only-memory_subsystem_too_slow_for_this_machine._Contact_your_local_dealer.
|
210
|
+
Just_pick_up_the_phone_and_give_modem_connect_sounds._"Well_you_said_we_should_get_more_lines_so_we_don't_have_voice_lines."
|
211
|
+
Quantum_dynamics_are_affecting_the_transistors
|
212
|
+
Police_are_examining_all_internet_packets_in_the_search_for_a_narco-net-trafficker
|
213
|
+
We_are_currently_trying_a_new_concept_of_using_a_live_mouse.__Unfortunately,_one_has_yet_to_survive_being_hooked_up_to_the_computer.....please_bear_with_us.
|
214
|
+
Your_mail_is_being_routed_through_Germany_..._and_they're_censoring_us.
|
215
|
+
Only_people_with_names_beginning_with_'A'_are_getting_mail_this_week_(a_la_Microsoft)
|
216
|
+
We_didn't_pay_the_Internet_bill_and_it's_been_cut_off.
|
217
|
+
Lightning_strikes.
|
218
|
+
Of_course_it_doesn't_work._We've_performed_a_software_upgrade.
|
219
|
+
Change_your_language_to_Finnish.
|
220
|
+
Fluorescent_lights_are_generating_negative_ions._If_turning_them_off_doesn't_work,_take_them_out_and_put_tin_foil_on_the_ends.
|
221
|
+
High_nuclear_activity_in_your_area.
|
222
|
+
What_office_are_you_in?_Oh,_that_one.__Did_you_know_that_your_building_was_built_over_the_universities_first_nuclear_research_site?_And_wow,_aren't_you_the_lucky_one,_your_office_is_right_over_where_the_core_is_buried!
|
223
|
+
The_MGs_ran_out_of_gas.
|
224
|
+
The_UPS_doesn't_have_a_battery_backup.
|
225
|
+
Recursivity.__Call_back_if_it_happens_again.
|
226
|
+
Someone_thought_The_Big_Red_Button_was_a_light_switch.
|
227
|
+
The_mainframe_needs_to_rest.__It's_getting_old,_you_know.
|
228
|
+
I'm_not_sure.__Try_calling_the_Internet's_head_office_--_it's_in_the_book.
|
229
|
+
The_lines_are_all_busy_(busied_out,_that_is_--_why_let_them_in_to_begin_with?).
|
230
|
+
Jan__9_16:41:27_huber_su:_'su_root'_succeeded_for_...._on_/dev/pts/1
|
231
|
+
It's_those_computer_people_in_X_{city_of_world}.__They_keep_stuffing_things_up.
|
232
|
+
A_star_wars_satellite_accidently_blew_up_the_WAN.
|
233
|
+
Fatal_error_right_in_front_of_screen
|
234
|
+
That_function_is_not_currently_supported,_but_Bill_Gates_assures_us_it_will_be_featured_in_the_next_upgrade.
|
235
|
+
wrong_polarity_of_neutron_flow
|
236
|
+
Lusers_learning_curve_appears_to_be_fractal
|
237
|
+
We_had_to_turn_off_that_service_to_comply_with_the_CDA_Bill.
|
238
|
+
Ionization_from_the_air-conditioning
|
239
|
+
TCP/IP_UDP_alarm_threshold_is_set_too_low.
|
240
|
+
Someone_is_broadcasting_pygmy_packets_and_the_router_doesn't_know_how_to_deal_with_them.
|
241
|
+
The_new_frame_relay_network_hasn't_bedded_down_the_software_loop_transmitter_yet._
|
242
|
+
Fanout_dropping_voltage_too_much,_try_cutting_some_of_those_little_traces
|
243
|
+
Plate_voltage_too_low_on_demodulator_tube
|
244
|
+
You_did_wha..._oh__dear_....
|
245
|
+
CPU_needs_bearings_repacked
|
246
|
+
Too_many_little_pins_on_CPU_confusing_it,_bend_back_and_forth_until_10-20%_are_neatly_removed._Do__not__leave_metal_bits_visible!
|
247
|
+
_Rosin__core_solder?_But...
|
248
|
+
Software_uses_US_measurements,_but_the_OS_is_in_metric...
|
249
|
+
The_computer_fleetly,_mouse_and_all.
|
250
|
+
Your_cat_tried_to_eat_the_mouse.
|
251
|
+
The_Borg_tried_to_assimilate_your_system._Resistance_is_futile.
|
252
|
+
It_must_have_been_the_lightning_storm_we_had_(yesterday)_(last_week)_(last_month)
|
253
|
+
Due_to_Federal_Budget_problems_we_have_been_forced_to_cut_back_on_the_number_of_users_able_to_access_the_system_at_one_time._(namely_none_allowed....)
|
254
|
+
Too_much_radiation_coming_from_the_soil.
|
255
|
+
Unfortunately_we_have_run_out_of_bits/bytes/whatever._Don't_worry,_the_next_supply_will_be_coming_next_week.
|
256
|
+
Program_load_too_heavy_for_processor_to_lift.
|
257
|
+
Processes_running_slowly_due_to_weak_power_supply
|
258
|
+
Our_ISP_is_having_{switching,routing,SMDS,frame_relay}_problems
|
259
|
+
We've_run_out_of_licenses
|
260
|
+
Interference_from_lunar_radiation
|
261
|
+
Standing_room_only_on_the_bus.
|
262
|
+
You_need_to_install_an_RTFM_interface.
|
263
|
+
That_would_be_because_the_software_doesn't_work.
|
264
|
+
That's_easy_to_fix,_but_I_can't_be_bothered.
|
265
|
+
Someone's_tie_is_caught_in_the_printer,_and_if_anything_else_gets_printed,_he'll_be_in_it_too.
|
266
|
+
We're_upgrading_/dev/null
|
267
|
+
The_Usenet_news_is_out_of_date
|
268
|
+
Our_POP_server_was_kidnapped_by_a_weasel.
|
269
|
+
It's_stuck_in_the_Web.
|
270
|
+
Your_modem_doesn't_speak_English.
|
271
|
+
The_mouse_escaped.
|
272
|
+
All_of_the_packets_are_empty.
|
273
|
+
The_UPS_is_on_strike.
|
274
|
+
Neutrino_overload_on_the_nameserver
|
275
|
+
Melting_hard_drives
|
276
|
+
Someone_has_messed_up_the_kernel_pointers
|
277
|
+
The_kernel_license_has_expired
|
278
|
+
Netscape_has_crashed
|
279
|
+
The_cord_jumped_over_and_hit_the_power_switch.
|
280
|
+
It_was_OK_before_you_touched_it.
|
281
|
+
Bit_rot
|
282
|
+
U.S._Postal_Service
|
283
|
+
Your_Flux_Capacitor_has_gone_bad.
|
284
|
+
The_Dilithium_Crystals_need_to_be_rotated.
|
285
|
+
The_static_electricity_routing_is_acting_up...
|
286
|
+
Traceroute_says_that_there_is_a_routing_problem_in_the_backbone.__It's_not_our_problem.
|
287
|
+
The_co-locator_cannot_verify_the_frame-relay_gateway_to_the_ISDN_server.
|
288
|
+
High_altitude_condensation_from_U.S.A.F_prototype_aircraft_has_contaminated_the_primary_subnet_mask._Turn_off_your_computer_for_9_days_to_avoid_damaging_it.
|
289
|
+
Lawn_mower_blade_in_your_fan_need_sharpening
|
290
|
+
Electrons_on_a_bender
|
291
|
+
Telecommunications_is_upgrading._
|
292
|
+
Telecommunications_is_downgrading.
|
293
|
+
Telecommunications_is_downshifting.
|
294
|
+
Hard_drive_sleeping._Let_it_wake_up_on_it's_own...
|
295
|
+
Interference_between_the_keyboard_and_the_chair.
|
296
|
+
The_CPU_has_shifted,_and_become_decentralized.
|
297
|
+
Due_to_the_CDA,_we_no_longer_have_a_root_account.
|
298
|
+
We_ran_out_of_dial_tone_and_we're_and_waiting_for_the_phone_company_to_deliver_another_bottle.
|
299
|
+
You_must've_hit_the_wrong_any_key.
|
300
|
+
PCMCIA_slave_driver
|
301
|
+
The_Token_fell_out_of_the_ring._Call_us_when_you_find_it.
|
302
|
+
The_hardware_bus_needs_a_new_token.
|
303
|
+
Too_many_interrupts
|
304
|
+
Not_enough_interrupts
|
305
|
+
The_data_on_your_hard_drive_is_out_of_balance.
|
306
|
+
Digital_Manipulator_exceeding_velocity_parameters
|
307
|
+
appears_to_be_a_Slow/Narrow_SCSI-0_Interface_problem
|
308
|
+
microelectronic_Riemannian_curved-space_fault_in_write-only_file_system
|
309
|
+
fractal_radiation_jamming_the_backbone
|
310
|
+
routing_problems_on_the_neural_net
|
311
|
+
IRQ-problems_with_the_Un-Interruptible-Power-Supply
|
312
|
+
CPU-angle_has_to_be_adjusted_because_of_vibrations_coming_from_the_nearby_road
|
313
|
+
emissions_from_GSM-phones
|
314
|
+
CD-ROM_server_needs_recalibration
|
315
|
+
firewall_needs_cooling
|
316
|
+
asynchronous_inode_failure
|
317
|
+
transient_bus_protocol_violation
|
318
|
+
incompatible_bit-registration_operators
|
319
|
+
your_process_is_not_ISO_9000_compliant
|
320
|
+
You_need_to_upgrade_your_VESA_local_bus_to_a_MasterCard_local_bus.
|
321
|
+
The_recent_proliferation_of_Nuclear_Testing
|
322
|
+
Elves_on_strike._(Why_do_they_call_EMAG_Elf_Magic)
|
323
|
+
Internet_exceeded_Luser_level,_please_wait_until_a_luser_logs_off_before_attempting_to_log_back_on.
|
324
|
+
Your_EMAIL_is_now_being_delivered_by_the_USPS.
|
325
|
+
Your_computer_hasn't_been_returning_all_the_bits_it_gets_from_the_Internet.
|
326
|
+
You've_been_infected_by_the_Telescoping_Hubble_virus.
|
327
|
+
Scheduled_global_CPU_outage
|
328
|
+
Your_Pentium_has_a_heating_problem_-_try_cooling_it_with_ice_cold_water.(Do_not_turn_off_your_computer,_you_do_not_want_to_cool_down_the_Pentium_Chip_while_he_isn't_working,_do_you?)
|
329
|
+
Your_processor_has_processed_too_many_instructions.__Turn_it_off_immediately,_do_not_type_any_commands!!
|
330
|
+
Your_packets_were_eaten_by_the_terminator
|
331
|
+
Your_processor_does_not_develop_enough_heat.
|
332
|
+
We_need_a_licensed_electrician_to_replace_the_light_bulbs_in_the_computer_room.
|
333
|
+
The_POP_server_is_out_of_Coke
|
334
|
+
Fiber_optics_caused_gas_main_leak
|
335
|
+
Server_depressed,_needs_Prozac
|
336
|
+
quantum_decoherence
|
337
|
+
those_damn_raccoons!
|
338
|
+
suboptimal_routing_experience
|
339
|
+
A_plumber_is_needed,_the_network_drain_is_clogged
|
340
|
+
50%_of_the_manual_is_in_.pdf_readme_files
|
341
|
+
the_AA_battery_in_the_wallclock_sends_magnetic_interference
|
342
|
+
the_xy_axis_in_the_trackball_is_coordinated_with_the_summer_solstice
|
343
|
+
the_butane_lighter_causes_the_pincushioning
|
344
|
+
old_inkjet_cartridges_emanate_barium-based_fumes
|
345
|
+
manager_in_the_cable_duct
|
346
|
+
We'll_fix_that_in_the_next_(upgrade,_update,_patch_release,_service_pack).
|
347
|
+
HTTPD_Error_666_:_BOFH_was_here
|
348
|
+
HTTPD_Error_4004_:_very_old_Intel_cpu_-_insufficient_processing_power
|
349
|
+
The_ATM_board_has_run_out_of_10_pound_notes.__We_are_having_a_whip_round_to_refill_it,_care_to_contribute_?
|
350
|
+
Network_failure_-__call_NBC
|
351
|
+
Having_to_manually_track_the_satellite.
|
352
|
+
Your/our_computer(s)_had_suffered_a_memory_leak,_and_we_are_waiting_for_them_to_be_topped_up.
|
353
|
+
The_rubber_band_broke
|
354
|
+
We're_on_Token_Ring,_and_it_looks_like_the_token_got_loose.
|
355
|
+
Stray_Alpha_Particles_from_memory_packaging_caused_Hard_Memory_Error_on_Server.
|
356
|
+
paradigm_shift...without_a_clutch
|
357
|
+
PEBKAC_(Problem_Exists_Between_Keyboard_And_Chair)
|
358
|
+
The_cables_are_not_the_same_length.
|
359
|
+
Second-system_effect.
|
360
|
+
Chewing_gum_on_/dev/sd3c
|
361
|
+
Boredom_in_the_Kernel.
|
362
|
+
the_daemons!_the_daemons!_the_terrible_daemons!
|
363
|
+
I'd_love_to_help_you_--_it's_just_that_the_Boss_won't_let_me_near_the_computer._
|
364
|
+
struck_by_the_Good_Times_virus
|
365
|
+
YOU_HAVE_AN_I/O_ERROR_->_Incompetent_Operator_error
|
366
|
+
Your_parity_check_is_overdrawn_and_you're_out_of_cache.
|
367
|
+
Communist_revolutionaries_taking_over_the_server_room_and_demanding_all_the_computers_in_the_building_or_they_shoot_the_sysadmin._Poor_misguided_fools.
|
368
|
+
Plasma_conduit_breach
|
369
|
+
Out_of_cards_on_drive_D:
|
370
|
+
Sand_fleas_eating_the_Internet_cables
|
371
|
+
parallel_processors_running_perpendicular_today
|
372
|
+
ATM_cell_has_no_roaming_feature_turned_on,_notebooks_can't_connect
|
373
|
+
Webmasters_kidnapped_by_evil_cult.
|
374
|
+
Failure_to_adjust_for_daylight_savings_time.
|
375
|
+
Virus_transmitted_from_computer_to_sysadmins.
|
376
|
+
Virus_due_to_computers_having_unsafe_sex.
|
377
|
+
Incorrectly_configured_static_routes_on_the_corerouters.
|
378
|
+
Forced_to_support_NT_servers;_sysadmins_quit.
|
379
|
+
Suspicious_pointer_corrupted_virtual_machine
|
380
|
+
It's_the_InterNIC's_fault.
|
381
|
+
Root_name_servers_corrupted.
|
382
|
+
Budget_cuts_forced_us_to_sell_all_the_power_cords_for_the_servers.
|
383
|
+
Someone_hooked_the_twisted_pair_wires_into_the_answering_machine.
|
384
|
+
Operators_killed_by_year_2000_bug_bite.
|
385
|
+
We've_picked_COBOL_as_the_language_of_choice.
|
386
|
+
Operators_killed_when_huge_stack_of_backup_tapes_fell_over.
|
387
|
+
Robotic_tape_changer_mistook_operator's_tie_for_a_backup_tape.
|
388
|
+
Someone_was_smoking_in_the_computer_room_and_set_off_the_halon_systems.
|
389
|
+
Your_processor_has_taken_a_ride_to_Heaven's_Gate_on_the_UFO_behind_Hale-Bopp's_comet.
|
390
|
+
it's_an_ID-10-T_error
|
391
|
+
Dyslexics_retyping_hosts_file_on_servers
|
392
|
+
The_Internet_is_being_scanned_for_viruses.
|
393
|
+
Your_computer's_union_contract_is_set_to_expire_at_midnight.
|
394
|
+
Bad_user_karma.
|
395
|
+
/dev/clue_was_linked_to_/dev/null
|
396
|
+
Increased_sunspot_activity.
|
397
|
+
We_already_sent_around_a_notice_about_that.
|
398
|
+
It's_union_rules._There's_nothing_we_can_do_about_it._Sorry.
|
399
|
+
Interference_from_the_Van_Allen_Belt.
|
400
|
+
Jupiter_is_aligned_with_Mars.
|
401
|
+
Redundant_ACLs._
|
402
|
+
Mail_server_hit_by_UniSpammer.
|
403
|
+
T-1's_congested_due_to_porn_traffic_to_the_news_server.
|
404
|
+
Data_for_intranet_got_routed_through_the_extranet_and_landed_on_the_internet.
|
405
|
+
We_are_a_100%_Microsoft_Shop.
|
406
|
+
We_are_Microsoft.__What_you_are_experiencing_is_not_a_problem;_it_is_an_undocumented_feature.
|
407
|
+
Sales_staff_sold_a_product_we_don't_offer.
|
408
|
+
Secretary_sent_chain_letter_to_all_5000_employees.
|
409
|
+
Sysadmin_didn't_hear_pager_go_off_due_to_loud_music_from_bar-room_speakers.
|
410
|
+
Sysadmin_accidentally_destroyed_pager_with_a_large_hammer.
|
411
|
+
Sysadmins_unavailable_because_they_are_in_a_meeting_talking_about_why_they_are_unavailable_so_much.
|
412
|
+
Bad_cafeteria_food_landed_all_the_sysadmins_in_the_hospital.
|
413
|
+
Route_flapping_at_the_NAP.
|
414
|
+
Computers_under_water_due_to_SYN_flooding.
|
415
|
+
The_vulcan-death-grip_ping_has_been_applied.
|
416
|
+
Electrical_conduits_in_machine_room_are_melting.
|
417
|
+
Traffic_jam_on_the_Information_Superhighway.
|
418
|
+
Radial_Telemetry_Infiltration
|
419
|
+
Cow-tippers_tipped_a_cow_onto_the_server.
|
420
|
+
tachyon_emissions_overloading_the_system
|
421
|
+
Maintenance_window_broken
|
422
|
+
We're_out_of_slots_on_the_server
|
423
|
+
Computer_room_being_moved.__Our_systems_are_down_for_the_weekend.
|
424
|
+
Sysadmins_busy_fighting_SPAM.
|
425
|
+
Repeated_reboots_of_the_system_failed_to_solve_problem
|
426
|
+
Feature_was_not_beta_tested
|
427
|
+
Domain_controller_not_responding
|
428
|
+
Someone_else_stole_your_IP_address,_call_the_Internet_detectives!
|
429
|
+
It's_not_RFC-822_compliant.
|
430
|
+
operation_failed_because:_there_is_no_message_for_this_error_(#1014)
|
431
|
+
stop_bit_received
|
432
|
+
internet_is_needed_to_catch_the_etherbunny
|
433
|
+
network_down,_IP_packets_delivered_via_UPS
|
434
|
+
Firmware_update_in_the_coffee_machine
|
435
|
+
Temporal_anomaly
|
436
|
+
Mouse_has_out-of-cheese-error
|
437
|
+
Borg_implants_are_failing
|
438
|
+
Borg_nanites_have_infested_the_server
|
439
|
+
error:_one_bad_user_found_in_front_of_screen
|
440
|
+
Please_state_the_nature_of_the_technical_emergency
|
441
|
+
Internet_shut_down_due_to_maintenance
|
442
|
+
Daemon_escaped_from_pentagram
|
443
|
+
crop_circles_in_the_corn_shell
|
444
|
+
sticky_bit_has_come_loose
|
445
|
+
Hot_Java_has_gone_cold
|
446
|
+
Cache_miss_-_please_take_better_aim_next_time
|
447
|
+
Hash_table_has_woodworm
|
448
|
+
Trojan_horse_ran_out_of_hay
|
449
|
+
Zombie_processes_detected,_machine_is_haunted.
|
450
|
+
overflow_error_in_/dev/null
|
451
|
+
Browser's_cookie_is_corrupted_--_someone's_been_nibbling_on_it.
|
452
|
+
Mailer-daemon_is_busy_burning_your_message_in_hell.
|
453
|
+
According_to_Microsoft,_it's_by_design
|
454
|
+
vi_needs_to_be_upgraded_to_vii
|
455
|
+
greenpeace_free'd_the_mallocs
|
456
|
+
Terrorists_crashed_an_airplane_into_the_server_room,_have_to_remove_/bin/laden._(rm_-rf_/bin/laden)
|
457
|
+
astropneumatic_oscillations_in_the_water-cooling
|
458
|
+
Somebody_ran_the_operating_system_through_a_spelling_checker.
|
459
|
+
Rhythmic_variations_in_the_voltage_reaching_the_power_supply.
|
460
|
+
Keyboard_Actuator_Failure.__Order_and_Replace.
|
461
|
+
Packet_held_up_at_customs.
|
462
|
+
Propagation_delay.
|
463
|
+
High_line_impedance.
|
464
|
+
Someone_set_us_up_the_bomb.
|
465
|
+
Power_surges_on_the_Underground.
|
466
|
+
Don't_worry;_it's_been_deprecated._The_new_one_is_worse.
|
467
|
+
My_raccoon_has_hepatitis.
|
468
|
+
)
|
469
|
+
|
470
|
+
excuse = excuses[rand(excuses.size)].gsub("_", " ")
|
471
|
+
|
472
|
+
msg.speak("Your excuse is: #{excuse}")
|
473
|
+
end
|
474
|
+
|
475
|
+
|
476
|
+
end
|
477
|
+
|
478
|
+
|