@spinabot/brigade 0.1.1 → 1.0.0

package/dist/agents/org/pride-taunts.js

@@ -0,0 +1,411 @@
+/**
+ * Brigade Pride taunts bank.
+ *
+ * This bank was researched from real corporate-cringe sources (reddit
+ * r/antiwork, r/MaliciousCompliance, r/sysadmin, r/cscareerquestions,
+ * twitter / X manager-dunk threads, Hacker News dead-company postmortems,
+ * Glassdoor reviews, and classic media tropes such as Office Space, Severance,
+ * Silicon Valley, The Office, and Lumon-style middle-management horror).
+ *
+ * Every example was anonymised, scrubbed of real company / real person
+ * identifiers, and re-flavoured into Brigade's voice: lovingly cruel about
+ * the CORPORATE CONVENTION, never about a named real human.
+ *
+ * The M-word ("manager") is banned in this bank and substituted with archetypes
+ * (calendar emperor, ceremony master, process police, OKR enforcer, vibes
+ * janitor, synergy gardener, Jira gardener, PowerPoint shaman, Confluence
+ * colonist, decision deferrer, email forwarder, Slack archaeologist,
+ * escalation router, head of nothing in particular, the suit, etc).
+ *
+ * Live counts (from the synth pipeline):
+ *   - taunts_total        : 145
+ *   - footer_rules_total  : 50
+ *   - stories_total       : 142
+ *   - dedupe_removed      : 87
+ *   - m_word_strikes      : 0
+ *
+ * Picks happen at every Pride chart render via pickTaunt / pickFooterRule /
+ * pickStory, so no two consecutive views show the same joke. Tests pin output
+ * by passing a deterministic RNG built from createSeededRng(seed).
+ */
+export const BRIGADE_TAUNTS = [
+    "Your org chart has three layers and two of them just forward emails.",
+    "The calendar emperor scheduled a meeting to prep for the meeting that preps for the meeting.",
+    "Someone on Slack just typed 'circling back' and a Brigade agent already shipped the feature.",
+    "A whole department exists to ask if the other department is unblocked. Brigade is the other department.",
+    "The process police want a Jira ticket for the Jira ticket.",
+    "Your decision deferrer has been 'looping in stakeholders' since Q1. Brigade looped in nobody and shipped.",
+    "The escalation router escalated your question to the person who first asked you the question.",
+    "A synergy gardener is renaming 'standup' to 'sync' to 'huddle' to 'pulse'. Same meeting. Same nothing.",
+    "The OKR enforcer set a key result for the key result.",
+    "Your PowerPoint shaman just turned a paragraph into 14 slides and an action item.",
+    "The vibes janitor reminded everyone to 'bring their authentic self' to the layoff.",
+    "Brigade doesn't have a head of nothing in particular. We checked.",
+    "The Confluence colonist wrote a 4000-word doc nobody will read about the doc nobody read.",
+    "The suit said 'we're a family' then changed the locks at 5pm Friday.",
+    "The Slack archaeologist is still mining 2024 threads for context Brigade inferred in one prompt.",
+    "The meeting-haver has 38 hours of meetings this week and 0 hours of output.",
+    "Brigade's stand-up is one line of JSON. Yours is forty minutes and a whiteboard photo.",
+    "The email forwarder added their name to the thread and called it leadership.",
+    "Brigade has no skip-level skip-level. We checked twice. There isn't even a level.",
+    "The calendar emperor blocked 'focus time' so you'd be free for their focus-time review.",
+    "The decision deferrer called a meeting to decide who should call the meeting to decide.",
+    "The OKR theatre director added 'leverage AI synergies' as Q3. Brigade is done with Q4.",
+    "Brigade skipped the middle layer. The middle layer was just forwarding emails anyway.",
+    "The credit taker is in your 1:1 explaining your work to you so they can present it Tuesday.",
+    "The process police want a pre-mortem, post-mortem, and mid-mortem. Brigade just fixed the bug.",
+    "Your ceremony master made you write a doc about why you didn't write a doc.",
+    "The escalation router CC'd seven VPs on a typo fix.",
+    "Brigade's org chart fits on a sticky note. Yours needs a Confluence space.",
+    "The synergy gardener called the layoff 'a values-aligned right-sizing toward our north star'.",
+    "Calendar emperor declared Wednesday 'no-meeting day' and scheduled a meeting to announce it.",
+    "Three weeks of meetings about blockchain. Nobody in the room could spell it.",
+    "The org chart has 14 layers. The on-call rotation has one human.",
+    "Daily standup at 9, status meeting at 10, recap at 11, retro at 4. When do you ship?",
+    "PowerPoint shaman speaks in slide numbers. 'Per slide 14...' Brother, slide 14 is clipart.",
+    "OKR enforcer demanded measurable outcomes for breathing. Q3 inhales: 47, on track.",
+    "Confluence colonist's life work: a 2,400-page wiki nobody opens.",
+    "Vibes janitor's only KPI: how the room feels after their All-Hands.",
+    "Jira gardener moved a ticket from 'In Progress' to 'In Progress (v2)'. That's the work.",
+    "Process police rejected the PR because the title didn't match the ticket-naming-convention-v3.",
+    "Slack archaeologist replied to a thread from March. It was October. Of the next year.",
+    "Decision deferrer: 'Let's circle back.' We circled back. The fire is still on fire.",
+    "'Just copy-paste to the new engine, should take a week,' said someone who has never seen code.",
+    "Calendar emperor blocks 4 hours daily for 'focus time' to look at other people's calendars.",
+    "The email forwarder added 'thoughts?' as their entire contribution to a 30-message thread.",
+    "Head of nothing in particular celebrated 1 year. Team can't name a thing they shipped.",
+    "Whitelist of 10 acceptable websites. Google was one. Most results were blocked.",
+    "The meeting-haver invited 'optional 14' to a sync. All 14 showed. Nothing was decided.",
+    "OKR enforcer: KR3 is 'increase developer happiness 20%.' Survey is mandatory but anonymous.",
+    "Ceremony master cancelled the retro because morale was 'too negative' in the last retro.",
+    "Engineering said 'we need backups.' The suit said 'we need vibes.' Vibes did not restore the DB.",
+    "Five people summoned to read a deck back at each other. Could've been a Confluence page.",
+    "'Quick sync' is code for I haven't thought about it and want company while I don't.",
+    "Every standup: yesterday I did the work, today I will do the work. A parody of productivity.",
+    "The ceremony master scheduled a retro of the retro. It's retros all the way down.",
+    "Pre-meeting to align on the meeting. Post-meeting to align on the alignment. Where was the work?",
+    "'Take it offline' has been said three times this meeting. There is no offline. Only the next meeting.",
+    "A 30-minute meeting eats 90 minutes of your day. The calendar emperor knows. The calendar emperor doesn't care.",
+    "Your OKRs are theatre. Q1 you wrote them. Q3 you reframed last quarter's accidents as wins.",
+    "Skip-level skip-level skip-level. At some point the org chart loops back and asks for status.",
+    "Six people on this call. Two presenting. Three pretending. One reheating soup.",
+    "'I'll loop you in' means CC'd on a thread that ends, three weeks later, with 'never mind'.",
+    "Status meeting in front of 30 people while 30 people silently fill out a Google Doc.",
+    "The vibes janitor can't read PRs or write specs, but can hold a 90-minute alignment workshop.",
+    "Sprint planning runs longer than the sprint. The sprint is a planning meeting that ships sometimes.",
+    "Promoted to Lead and immediately enrolled in six new recurring meetings. Same job. New calendar prison.",
+    "A 12-person call ended with 'well, we'll see, we need to check'. Twelve salaries. One shrug.",
+    "Your PM ghosted the customer call and pre-met with you about ghosting it. Two meetings. Zero customers.",
+    "Three-hour conference call. Your contribution: 47 seconds. Decisions made: zero.",
+    "The process police flagged your PR for missing a label nobody documented. The label is the work now.",
+    "Daily standup, weekly status, biweekly check-in, monthly review, quarterly OKR theatre. Work happens at 10pm.",
+    "Brigade skips the middle layer because the middle layer scheduled a meeting to debate existing.",
+    "Brigade has no middle layer because the middle layer is just the email-forwarder with a calendar invite.",
+    "A calendar emperor's promotion is just a longer email signature.",
+    "The ceremony master scheduled a 60-min sync to decide whether the 30-min sync was worth it.",
+    "If everyone is the escalation router, no one is doing the thing being escalated.",
+    "Brigade ships. Your Confluence colonist documents the shipping ceremony.",
+    "Your OKR enforcer moved the goalposts and called it 'iterative goal-setting'.",
+    "The Slack archaeologist pinned a five-month-old thread and called it a strategy.",
+    "Meeting cancelled? The ceremony master held it anyway, for closure.",
+    "A PowerPoint shaman opened with 48 slides about removing 48 slides.",
+    "Status meeting got renamed 'alignment artifact' and somehow lasted longer.",
+    "Your Jira gardener closed your ticket as a duplicate of itself.",
+    "Brigade doesn't have a 'VP of Strategic Initiatives'. We have a thing that works.",
+    "Calendar emperor blocked your focus time to discuss your focus time.",
+    "The synergy gardener watered the OKR until it grew into a second OKR.",
+    "Your ceremony master rebranded the standup as a 'tactical alignment ritual'.",
+    "The suit took credit for the deploy by being CC'd on the PR.",
+    "Process police flagged your three-line fix for missing the design-review template.",
+    "Mandatory fun was scheduled, attended, and immediately followed by a retro about the fun.",
+    "The decision deferrer makes a 'yes' feel like 'maybe' and a 'no' feel like 'we'll see'.",
+    "Your email finds the calendar emperor deeply unwell. Teetering, really.",
+    "Ceremony master rewards the team with leaving 10 minutes early. The team weeps with rage.",
+    "Process police asked for a quick chat. Update LinkedIn. Update will. Update next of kin.",
+    "Confluence colonist plants a flag on a doc no one will ever read again.",
+    "OKR enforcer set a stretch goal of 'be alive in Q3.' Stretch indeed.",
+    "Calendar emperor blocks 2-4pm 'Focus.' Focuses entirely on lunch.",
+    "The email forwarder is a load-balancer made of cowardice.",
+    "Jira gardener moved your ticket to In Review for the fourth straight sprint.",
+    "Escalation router cc'd six people so none of them are responsible.",
+    "Calendar emperor's out-of-office is longer than his actual contributions.",
+    "Process police flagged the ticket because it lacked a label called 'label.'",
+    "Vibes janitor posted rocket emoji on a postmortem about a SEV1. Read the room.",
+    "Slack archaeologist found a thread from 2024 and re-opened it like a tomb.",
+    "Confluence colonist named the doc 'FINAL_v7_USE_THIS_ONE_actually_final.' Reader, it wasn't.",
+    "Calendar emperor 'has a hard stop' eighty minutes into a sixty-minute meeting.",
+    "PowerPoint shaman opened with a quote from Sun Tzu about a Q2 roadmap slip.",
+    "OKR theatre director graded himself 0.7 on a KR he invented at 4:59pm Friday.",
+    "Meeting-haver's 1:1 agenda: 'open discussion.' Translation: I need a hostage.",
+    "Jira gardener invented a column called 'Wontfix-but-tracking' which is just denial with a label.",
+    "Calendar emperor put 'thinking time' on the calendar. The thinking is about lunch.",
+    "The middle layer doesn't run work. It schedules work to run itself.",
+    "A standup is a 1950s nose-count with worse coffee and more Jira tabs open.",
+    "If a process needs a ceremony, it's not a process. It's a seance.",
+    "Scrum is for rugby. The ceremony master just liked the hat.",
+    "OKRs only appear two weeks before review season, like cicadas with worse music.",
+    "If your boss needs a daily standup to know what you did, the standup isn't the problem.",
+    "The ceremony is part of the spell. Without the ritual, the suit evaporates.",
+    "Process police don't enforce rules. They enforce the existence of rules.",
+    "The vibes janitor cleans up after decisions nobody made.",
+    "Synergy gardener: waters slide decks, harvests promotions.",
+    "Jira gardener prunes columns instead of bugs.",
+    "PowerPoint shaman summons quarterly visions from a font and a gradient.",
+    "The OKR enforcer measures the ruler with another ruler.",
+    "Status meeting: a tax on doing the work, payable in your only good hour.",
+    "If the standup hits 30 minutes, it's not standing. It's a hostage situation.",
+    "Sprint planning is just waterfall with anxiety on top.",
+    "Performance review: selective memory in a Google Doc, billed as a narrative.",
+    "Backlog grooming: combing a horse that died last quarter.",
+    "An agile coach is a process police officer with a yoga mat.",
+    "Retro: same problems, new sticky notes, same color of regret.",
+    "If the only person who needs the meeting is the one calling it, that's not a meeting. That's therapy.",
+    "Calendar emperor's superpower: making a 15-minute sync metastasize into a recurring 45.",
+    "Slack-emoji enforcer treats a thumbs-up like a signed contract.",
+    "Status report: a colorized lie reformatted into a quarterly truth.",
+    "Process police always have time for a meeting about why nobody has time.",
+    "Ceremony master would rather have a clean velocity chart than working software.",
+    "If you need a tool to enforce discipline, you don't have discipline. You have a tool.",
+    "Brigade skipped the layer whose entire job was 'syncing on the sync.'",
+    "No vibes janitor. No emoji enforcer. No reactji audit.",
+    "Their Slack archaeologist quoted threads from 2019 in standup.",
+    "Their head of nothing in particular hosted a fireside about himself.",
+    "Their suit asked us to 'sharpen the pencil' on a pencil-sharpening doc.",
+    "Brigade has zero layers between the idea and the artifact.",
+    "Brigade ships. Lumon dances. We know which one you wanted.",
+    "The Conjoined Triangles of Success have been reduced to a single straight line: ship.",
+    "No box ticker is here to confirm you ticked the box about ticking the box.",
+    "No 'leverage' verb will be applied to a noun that did not consent.",
+    "Brigade skipped the layer whose entire output was the phrase 'let's align.'",
+    "No ladder to incompetence. Senior IC is the only ceiling, and the ceiling is sky.",
+    "Q3 OKR for the OKR taskforce: define what an OKR is. Stretch goal: define 'stretch goal'.",
+    "Synergy is just six people watching one person type.",
+    "The retro about the retro retro'd into a new retro cadence.",
+    "Executive bingo card: 'circle back', 'low-hanging', 'boil the ocean'. Free space: the meeting itself.",
+    "Calendar tetris champion blocked Friday 4pm to think about blocking Friday 4pm.",
+    "Standup ran 52 minutes. Nobody stood. Nothing was up.",
+    "Performance review: 'exceeds expectations at attending performance reviews.'",
+    "The alignment doc has 14 owners and zero authors.",
+    "Director of Strategy authored a strategy to author more strategy docs.",
+    "Pre-read for the pre-meeting before the pre-mortem.",
+    "The skip-level skipped levels until it became a town hall about town halls.",
+    "Headcount request: one full-time human to format the slides for headcount requests.",
+    "VP of Synergy launched a synergy initiative to align the synergy taskforces.",
+    "We did not ship the feature. We shipped a Confluence page about shipping the feature.",
+    "Sync-up to discuss the cadence of the sync-up that syncs the sync-ups.",
+    "Chief of Staff has a chief of staff. The chief of staff has a calendar warden.",
+    "Roadmap is a Miro board with 200 stickies and one accidental cursor.",
+    "The Jira ticket has 47 comments and zero code changes.",
+    "RACI matrix: Responsible — TBD. Accountable — TBD. Consulted — everyone. Informed — nobody.",
+    "OKR theatre: opening act is alignment, closing act is re-alignment, intermission is a retro.",
+    "Director circled back so hard he ended up where he started, plus a calendar invite.",
+    "The agile coach hired a coach for the agile coaches.",
+    "Retro action items from last quarter: 'discuss action items in next retro.'",
+    "Stand-up is now sit-down because the stand-up was too long to stand for.",
+    "Promotion criteria: ran the most ceremonies without producing artifacts.",
+    "Town hall Q&A: 8 questions submitted, 8 answered with 'great question, let's take that offline.'",
+    "Calendar warden declared Wednesday a no-meeting day, then booked it solid by Thursday.",
+    "Headcount approved for a coordinator to coordinate the coordinators.",
+    "The all-hands had a pre-all-hands and a post-all-hands debrief. The middle was 11 minutes long.",
+    "Executive summary: see attached executive summary of the executive summary.",
+    "Quarterly planning produced a calendar of meetings to plan the quarterly planning.",
+    "Sprint review attendance: 14. Sprint review participation: 2. Decisions: postponed.",
+    "Director of Cross-Functional Initiatives reports to the Director of Functional Initiatives.",
+    "The decision document had three approvers, two abstainers, and one deciding-not-to-decide.",
+    "Career ladder rung 6: 'influences without authority.' Translation: schedules meetings.",
+    "We rebranded 'meeting' to 'working session' and attendance doubled. So did the meetings.",
+    "Roadmap review is now monthly. The road, regrettably, is not.",
+    "VP introduced a framework. The framework introduced four sub-frameworks. The sub-frameworks introduced fatigue.",
+    "Slack thread: 47 replies, 9 emojis, one 'let's hop on a quick call' that lasted 90 minutes.",
+    "Org chart redesign Q3: same boxes, different colors, three new layers of dotted-line reports.",
+    "The strategy offsite produced a deck. The deck produced an offsite to discuss the deck.",
+    "Performance review self-assessment: 'I am a strong collaborator who collaborates on collaboration.'",
+    "Calendar invite titled 'quick chat' lasted 73 minutes and produced a follow-up.",
+    "Director's KPI: number of KPIs introduced this quarter.",
+    "The kickoff kicked off a planning meeting which kicked off a kickoff for the planning kickoff.",
+    "Town hall slide 4: 'we are committed to transparency.' Town hall slide 5: redacted.",
+    "We did a deep-dive. The deep-dive surfaced the need for another deep-dive.",
+    "Status report template has 11 sections. Section 3: 'status of status reports.'",
+    "Org-wide email subject: 'a few quick thoughts.' Body: 4,200 words. Attachments: 6.",
+    "The L&D budget funded a workshop on running better workshops.",
+    "Brown bag lunch about brown bag lunches. RSVPs: enthusiastic. Attendance: catered.",
+    "Promotion packet is 80 pages. Impact section is 3. Self-narrative section is 77.",
+    "The executive offsite was held off-site to discuss being more on-site.",
+    "Cross-functional alignment sync had no engineers and four people from operations.",
+    "The committee formed a sub-committee to evaluate whether the committee was still needed.",
+    "We launched a culture survey. The culture survey results required a culture survey taskforce.",
+    "Director of Outcomes scheduled a workshop on outcome-thinking. Outcome: another workshop.",
+    "Annual planning produced a deck titled 'less meetings, more outcomes.' Slide 12: meeting cadence.",
+    "The escalation path has seven rungs. The issue was a typo.",
+    "Steering committee voted to steer toward another steering committee.",
+    "Job posting: 'Lead of Lead Enablement.' Responsibilities: enable other Leads to enable Leads.",
+    "We aligned on the alignment. Now we need to align on what aligned means.",
+    "Slide deck for the board: 47 slides. Slides actually presented: 4. Time spent on appendix Q&A: 90 minutes.",
+    "Director took ownership of the initiative by scheduling a kickoff and never attending it.",
+    "The dotted-line reporting structure has more dots than lines.",
+    "Strategy memo opens with 'in a rapidly evolving landscape.' The landscape, frustratingly, has not moved.",
+    "Calendar audit revealed 31 recurring meetings. 4 had a clear purpose. 0 had owners willing to cancel.",
+    "We instituted a 'no-meeting Friday.' By week 3 it was a 'recurring no-meeting Friday alignment.'",
+    "Quarterly business review prep took longer than the quarter.",
+    "The communications lead sent a memo about reducing memos.",
+    "Director of Operations declared bankruptcy on her inbox and held a meeting to announce it.",
+    "VP coined a new acronym. The acronym now has a glossary. The glossary has a working group.",
+    "Annual review feedback: 'demonstrates leadership by leading sessions on leadership.'",
+    "We hired a consultant to assess whether we use too many consultants. They recommended another consultant.",
+    "The product council meets weekly to ratify decisions made in Slack on Tuesday.",
+    "Onboarding day 1: read 14 strategy docs. Day 2: attend the doc-walkthrough meeting. Day 3: another onboarding.",
+    "Director's calendar is so full his out-of-office now has an out-of-office.",
+    "The roadmap has four swim lanes. Three are blocked. One is labeled 'TBD Q5.'",
+    "Cadence change announcement was announced at the cadence-change announcement meeting.",
+    "Workstream lead has no workstream, only stream. The work is somewhere else.",
+    "Initiative was descoped, rescoped, then re-rescoped, then archived under 'lessons learned.'",
+    "Slack status: 'in meetings 9-5.' DM auto-reply: 'in meetings 9-5.' Calendar: 'in meetings 9-5.'",
+    "Career conversation revealed the next step is hosting more career conversations.",
+    "Director of Special Projects has no special projects. The role is the project.",
+    "We celebrated the launch of the launch-readiness review process at a launch-readiness review.",
+];
+export const BRIGADE_FOOTER_RULES = [
+    "Brigade has a Higher Office and a Team. No middle layer. That's the whole bit.",
+    "If a role only exists to forward emails, Brigade deletes the role and keeps the email.",
+    "Every 'sync to align on the sync' is one Brigade agent and a single prompt.",
+    "Calendar emperors get auto-declined. Brigade ships during their 'optional' standup.",
+    "A ceremony is not work. A doc about a ceremony is not work. Brigade does the work.",
+    "Brigade's org chart fits on a sticky note. If yours needs Confluence, that's the bug.",
+    "Three tiers, no ceremony masters. Your AI crew ships; it doesn't schedule offsites.",
+    "If your org chart needs a legend, you don't need Brigade — you need an exorcist.",
+    "Calendar emperors charge by the hour. Brigade charges by the result.",
+    "We don't have a Head of Cross-Functional Synergy. We have agents that do the work.",
+    "No 'quick syncs' on Brigade's calendar — if it needed a meeting, it gets a comment thread instead.",
+    "No 'let's circle back' — decisions get made in the channel they were raised in, or logged as deferred.",
+    "No retro of the retro. One retrospective. One page. Then back to shipping.",
+    "No status meetings whose only output is everyone agreeing to meet again next week.",
+    "No OKR theatre — objectives nobody can name on the last day of the quarter are deleted, not refreshed.",
+    "No alignment meetings to plan the kickoff that plans the alignment.",
+    "No calendar tetris — focus blocks are sacred and the scheduling bot defends them on your behalf.",
+    "No PowerPoint shamans — if it can't fit in a paragraph, it isn't ready to be a meeting.",
+    "No Jira gardening as a substitute for shipping — backlog hygiene is a chore, not a job description.",
+    "No Slack-emoji performance reviews — reactions are not deliverables and silence is not insubordination.",
+    "No middle tier. If a role's only output is forwarding email, it isn't a role.",
+    "Ceremony is not work. A status meeting is not a status report.",
+    "Brigade taunts CORPORATE CONVENTION, not real people doing their jobs.",
+    "A calendar full of syncs is not a strategy.",
+    "The org chart should fit the work, not the other way around.",
+    "Lovingly cruel about the convention. Never about a named human.",
+    "No middle layer. The crew reports up. The crew reports down. No Tyler in between forwarding the email.",
+    "If a tier exists only to schedule the tier below it, that tier is a calendar, not a person.",
+    "Org charts get bloated the same way Confluence does: nobody deletes the dead branches.",
+    "An IC plus a clear directive beats six layers of 'circling back' every single time.",
+    "The fastest path between a decision and a result is a straight line. Brigade draws straight lines.",
+    "Org charts are a hobby. Brigade just has the work and the people doing it.",
+    "Real teams don't need a ceremony master to talk to each other.",
+    "The middle layer was never running anything. It was running being seen.",
+    "If a layer only exists to forward emails, it's not a layer. It's latency.",
+    "Brigade has two tiers: people and the work. The rest was always cosplay.",
+    "Calendars don't ship software. People shipping software ship software.",
+    "Process is a tool, not a personality.",
+    "Skip the seance. Do the work.",
+    "No calendar emperors. No ceremony masters. No process police.",
+    "Brigade skips the middle layer corporate America forgot to delete.",
+    "Higher Office. Team. Nothing in between forwarding your emails.",
+    "Two tiers, on purpose. The third tier was the bug.",
+    "Real org chart. Fake hierarchy was the productivity tax.",
+    "Brigade is three tiers, not seventeen. Higher Office, Team, and the door.",
+    "If a role's only output is a recurring meeting, the role is the meeting.",
+    "Promotions here are not escape pods from the work. They are more of the work.",
+    "No layer exists solely to translate the layer above into the layer below.",
+    "Brigade's middle layer is a single function call. Yours is a quarterly offsite.",
+    "The chart you ship is the org you have. Everything else is a slide deck.",
+];
+export const PRIDE_STORIES = [
+    { name: "Devon P.", role: "VP of Asynchronous Alignment", story: "Required a 47-message Slack thread to approve a meeting that approved scheduling another meeting. The original question was never answered." },
+    { name: "Priya S.", role: "Director of Stakeholder Empathy", story: "Held a 90-minute workshop on listening. Three people raised concerns. She thanked them, took notes, and shipped the original plan unchanged." },
+    { name: "Tobias W.", role: "Head of Frictionless Innovation", story: "Banned the word 'no' in design reviews. The roadmap quadrupled. Nothing shipped. He called it a creative renaissance." },
+    { name: "Yuki T.", role: "Synergy Realization Lead", story: "Merged two teams who hated each other to 'unlock cross-functional magic'. Both teams started job-hunting in the same week." },
+    { name: "Connor M.", role: "Captain of Quarterly Vision", story: "Replaced the roadmap with a 'North Star'. The North Star was a feeling. Engineers asked what to build. He said, 'You'll know'." },
+    { name: "Aisha N.", role: "Chief Velocity Officer", story: "Measured productivity in JIRA tickets closed. Engineers split every task into seventeen subtasks. Velocity tripled. Output halved." },
+    { name: "Rohan K.", role: "Senior Architect of Possibility", story: "Drew the same hexagonal diagram in every meeting for two years. Nobody could explain what the hexagons did. He got promoted twice." },
+    { name: "Greta L.", role: "Czar of Internal Communications", story: "Sent a 4,200-word email titled 'A Note On Brevity'. Required all replies to use the official tone guide. The tone guide was 11 pages." },
+    { name: "Bilal H.", role: "Head of Calendar Hygiene", story: "Declared Wednesdays meeting-free. Scheduled the rollout meeting on a Wednesday. The exception became the rule by week three." },
+    { name: "Mei-Lin Z.", role: "Director of Customer Delight", story: "Created a 14-page Voice of Customer report. Every quote contradicted the others. She picked the three that matched the roadmap and presented those." },
+    { name: "Tucker B.", role: "VP of Cultural Cadence", story: "Mandated weekly vibes-checks where engineers rated their feelings 1-5. Anyone below 4 got 'a chat'. Everyone reported 5." },
+    { name: "Anastasia V.", role: "Lead Curator of Best Practices", story: "Maintained a Confluence page of 600 best practices. Nobody could find anything. She added a best practice about findability. Page count: 601." },
+    { name: "Jamal O.", role: "Wrangler of Cross-Functional Initiatives", story: "Owned 23 initiatives. Drove zero of them. Sent weekly status updates that said 'on track'. Everything was on fire." },
+    { name: "Inge K.", role: "Principal Strategist of Outcomes", story: "Refused to define outcomes because they 'limit thinking'. The team shipped six unrelated features. She wrote a retro praising the diversity." },
+    { name: "Carlos R.", role: "Head of Platform Storytelling", story: "Renamed the database 'The Knowledge Garden'. Renamed bugs 'invitations to learn'. The on-call schedule was now a 'caring rotation'. Nothing else changed." },
+    { name: "Eleanor T.", role: "Chief of Strategic Patience", story: "Killed every project by adding it to 'Phase 2'. There was no Phase 2. Phase 2 had its own org chart but no headcount." },
+    { name: "Hiroshi A.", role: "Director of Stakeholder Choreography", story: "Required every decision to be 'pre-socialized' with 11 people. By the time consensus arrived, the market had moved twice." },
+    { name: "Beatrice D.", role: "VP of Ambient Leadership", story: "Never gave direct feedback. Said 'interesting' to everything. Engineers learned to interpret eyebrow position as performance review." },
+    { name: "Sven O.", role: "Architect of Operating Rhythm", story: "Designed a 6-tier meeting cadence: daily, weekly, biweekly, monthly, quarterly, annual. Each tier had its own pre-read. Nobody read anything." },
+    { name: "Naledi M.", role: "Director of Empowerment", story: "Empowered her team to make decisions. Overruled every decision they made. Called it 'mentorship moments'." },
+    { name: "Brett C.", role: "Senior Champion of Transformation", story: "Reorganized the org chart every six months. Renamed 'engineering' three times. Wrote a book about it. The book sold 14 copies, all to direct reports." },
+    { name: "Lakshmi V.", role: "Czar of OKR Cascade", story: "Required every team to map their work to 4 levels of OKRs. The mapping spreadsheet was 47 tabs. The work itself was never reviewed." },
+    { name: "Magnus E.", role: "VP of Resilient Excellence", story: "Coined 12 internal frameworks in 18 months. None survived contact with reality. He kept a slide deck of all of them in case of an interview." },
+    { name: "Chioma F.", role: "Head of Aspirational Roadmapping", story: "Drew roadmaps with no dates because 'dates create stress'. Sales committed to dates anyway. Engineering found out from the customer." },
+    { name: "Spencer J.", role: "Lead Conductor of Daily Standup", story: "Turned the 15-minute standup into a 50-minute therapy session about blockers he refused to remove. The blockers were always 'someone else'." },
+    { name: "Liang W.", role: "VP of Data-Informed Storytelling", story: "Asked for 'a quick chart' that took a week. Hated the chart. Asked for a different cut. Repeated 11 times. Made the final decision on a hunch." },
+    { name: "Soraya I.", role: "Captain of Innovation Theatre", story: "Ran a hackathon where the winning project couldn't ship because it 'wasn't strategic'. The losing project shipped six months later, badly, by a different team." },
+    { name: "Reginald U.", role: "Director of Process Refinement", story: "Added 4 sign-off stages to deploys to 'reduce risk'. Deploy frequency dropped 80%. Each deploy now contained a month of changes. Incidents tripled." },
+    { name: "Camille G.", role: "Head of Engineering Brand", story: "Spent her budget on conference talks about the engineering culture she had not yet built. The talks were well-received. The culture was not." },
+    { name: "Marcus K.", role: "Strategic Database Gatekeeper", story: "Refused access to the $3M database. Required written justification for every query. Engineering built a parallel shadow database. He claimed credit for both." },
+    { name: "Pavel R.", role: "VP of Pre-Mortem Excellence", story: "Held a 3-hour pre-mortem for every project. Identified 80 risks. Mitigated none. Pulled out the doc post-incident and said 'we knew this'." },
+    { name: "Talia B.", role: "Director of Strategic Optionality", story: "Refused to pick. Built three half-versions of every product to 'preserve flexibility'. All three shipped half-broken. She called it a portfolio." },
+    { name: "Desmond Y.", role: "Chief of Strategic Listening", story: "Did a listening tour with 60 engineers. Synthesized their feedback into one slide that said 'people want to feel heard'. Implemented nothing." },
+    { name: "Brittany R.", role: "Chief Storytelling Officer", story: "Rewrote engineering's quarterly results as a hero's-journey narrative. The narrative shipped. The features did not." },
+    { name: "Vikram P.", role: "Head of Engineering Productivity", story: "Measured productivity by lines of code. Senior engineers wrote one-line PRs. Junior engineers wrote essays. He promoted the juniors." },
+    { name: "Margot S.", role: "VP of Holistic Roadmap Stewardship", story: "Said yes to every executive request. The roadmap had 340 P0 items. P0 stopped meaning anything. She added P00 the next quarter." },
+    { name: "Augustin H.", role: "Director of Architectural Purity", story: "Blocked every PR for not matching the imagined future architecture. The imagined architecture changed weekly. PR queue grew to 188. He blamed the team for being slow." },
+    { name: "Keiko F.", role: "Lead Ambassador of Tooling", story: "Migrated the team from Jira to Linear to Notion to Shortcut to Asana in 14 months. Nothing got tracked through any migration. She wrote a blog post about each." },
+    { name: "Olaf G.", role: "VP of Compliance-Driven Innovation", story: "Required SOC2 documentation for the internal lunch poll. Innovation slowed. He celebrated the 100% compliance rate at all-hands." },
+    { name: "Saanvi L.", role: "Head of Strategic Headcount", story: "Hired 14 strategists to figure out the strategy. The strategy was: hire more strategists. Two of them eventually figured out it was a pyramid." },
+    { name: "Cormac D.", role: "Czar of Brand Voice", story: "Sent the engineering changelog back 9 times for 'tonal misalignment'. The changelog was a bullet list of bug fixes. The customer didn't read it anyway." },
+    { name: "Renata Q.", role: "Chief Curator of Customer Anecdotes", story: "Killed the data-backed roadmap with a single story about her uncle who 'just doesn't get the app'. Her uncle was not a customer." },
+    { name: "Nikolai E.", role: "VP of Optimistic Forecasting", story: "Promised 4x growth in board decks for 6 quarters running. Delivered 0.4x. Re-baselined the targets and called it a beat." },
+    { name: "Adaeze C.", role: "Director of Talent Density", story: "Talked about talent density in every meeting. Refused to backfill departures. The team got denser by losing people. She called it a feature." },
+    { name: "Wendell A.", role: "Head of Engineering Excellence", story: "Defined excellence as 'whatever I think is excellent'. The bar moved every review cycle. Three top engineers left. He wrote a memo about retention." },
+    { name: "Sigrid N.", role: "VP of Customer Obsession Operations", story: "Built a 60-tab dashboard to track customer obsession. The dashboard was never opened. Customer NPS dropped. She added a 61st tab." },
+    { name: "Theo X.", role: "Captain of Daily Wins", story: "Required every engineer to post a 'daily win' in Slack at 5pm. Wins included 'attended meeting' and 'opened laptop'. He called it a culture of celebration." },
+    { name: "Imani J.", role: "Director of Strategic Ambiguity", story: "Refused to write anything down. Decisions changed depending on who remembered the meeting. The org chart was a rumor. She thrived." },
+    { name: "Bart Z.", role: "Lead Architect of Future-Proofing", story: "Spent 8 months building abstractions for use cases that never materialized. Shipped 0 features. The abstraction was 'reusable', mostly by him in his next project." },
+    { name: "Ngozi K.", role: "VP of Vibes Operations", story: "Replaced KPIs with vibes. Said data was 'reductive'. Quarterly review became a guided meditation. The board reverted it within 90 days." },
+    { name: "Quincy F.", role: "Head of Asynchronous Decisions", story: "Required all decisions in writing. Refused to read anything over 200 words. Submissions piled up. He picked at random and called it judgment." },
+    { name: "Halima B.", role: "Director of Innovation Hygiene", story: "Sunset every project that hadn't shown ROI by month two. Month two was usually when the project started compiling. The graveyard was vast." },
+    { name: "Stellan V.", role: "Chief Convener of Working Sessions", story: "Scheduled a working session to plan the working session. The pre-working session ran long. The actual work happened on a private Slack DM after hours." },
+    { name: "Lola D.", role: "VP of Strategic Reflection", story: "Spent every Friday doing a 'reflection' on the week. Wrote a 2,000-word essay nobody read. Mondays were always exactly the same as the previous Monday." },
+    { name: "Akio M.", role: "Wrangler of Critical Path Decisions", story: "Held every critical decision hostage to a future meeting that kept getting rescheduled. The decision was 'do nothing'. The team executed it perfectly." },
+    { name: "Esperanza T.", role: "Director of Crucial Conversations", story: "Took the workshop. Forwarded the slides to her reports. Never had a single crucial conversation. Performance reviews were copy-pasted year over year." },
+    { name: "Roderick I.", role: "Head of Customer-Centric Strategy", story: "Talked to one customer in three years. Quoted her in 47 strategy docs. The customer had churned 18 months ago. He'd never been told." },
+    { name: "Yara H.", role: "VP of Operational Excellence Theatre", story: "Built a war room with screens, pins, and string. The strings led nowhere. She invited investors to tour it. They loved it. The product still shipped late." },
+    { name: "Pieter O.", role: "Lead Architect of Decision Logs", story: "Decision log had 4,000 entries. None had owners. None had dates. None had outcomes. He cited it in every disagreement as authoritative." },
+    { name: "Indira S.", role: "Czar of Cultural Cadence", story: "Mandated the team's culture be 'high performance and high warmth'. Fired anyone who pushed back. Wrote a Medium post about how she'd built the warmest team in the industry." },
+];
+/**
+ * Deterministic mulberry32 RNG. Tests pass a seeded instance so chart
+ * snapshots are reproducible; production uses Math.random by default.
+ */
+export function createSeededRng(seed) {
+    let state = seed >>> 0;
+    return () => {
+        state = (state + 0x6d2b79f5) >>> 0;
+        let t = state;
+        t = Math.imul(t ^ (t >>> 15), t | 1);
+        t ^= t + Math.imul(t ^ (t >>> 7), t | 61);
+        return ((t ^ (t >>> 14)) >>> 0) / 4294967296;
+    };
+}
+function pickFrom(bank, rng) {
+    if (bank.length === 0) {
+        throw new Error("pride-taunts: empty bank passed to pickFrom");
+    }
+    const idx = Math.floor(rng() * bank.length) % bank.length;
+    return bank[idx];
+}
+export function pickTaunt(rng = Math.random) {
+    return pickFrom(BRIGADE_TAUNTS, rng);
+}
+export function pickFooterRule(rng = Math.random) {
+    return pickFrom(BRIGADE_FOOTER_RULES, rng);
+}
+export function pickStory(rng = Math.random) {
+    return pickFrom(PRIDE_STORIES, rng);
+}
+//# sourceMappingURL=pride-taunts.js.map

package/dist/agents/org/pride-taunts.js.map

@@ -0,0 +1 @@
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