mod_spox 0.2.0 → 0.3.0

data/data/mod_spox/extras/SlashdotHeadlineGenerator.rb

@@ -0,0 +1,500 @@
+# ex: set ts=4 et:
+
+# Slashdot Headline Generator
+# keep nerds happy on those long network outages
+# by pizza
+
+class SlashdotHeadlineGenerator < ModSpox::Plugin
+    def initialize(pipeline)
+        super
+        add_sig(:sig => 'fake/.(?: (\d))?', :method => :random, :desc => 'Slashdot Headline Generator', :params => [:count])
+        add_sig(:sig => 'fake/.(?: (' + HeadlineGenerator.new.topics.keys.sort.join("|") + '))?', :method => :topic, :desc => 'Slashdot Headline Generator', :params => [:topic])
+    end
+    
+    def random(m, params)
+        begin
+            params[:count] = params[:count].to_i
+            params[:count] = 1 if params[:count] < 1
+            params[:count] = 5 if params[:count] > 5
+            hg = HeadlineGenerator.new
+            say = ""
+            params[:count].times { say += hg.headline() + "\n" }
+            reply m.replyto, say
+        rescue Object => boom
+            error m.replyto, "Whoops. #{boom}"
+        end
+    end
+
+    def topic(m, params)
+        begin
+            reply m.replyto, HeadlineGenerator.new.topic(params[:topic])
+        rescue Object => boom
+            error m.replyto, "Whoops. #{boom}"
+        end
+    end
+end
+
+class HeadlineGenerator
+
+    def initialize()
+    @topics = {
+        #"apache" => { lambda{ Apache },
+        "apple" => lambda{ Apple() },
+        "ask" => lambda{ AskSlashdot() },
+        #backslash"" => lambda{ BackSlash() },
+        "book" => lambda{ BookReview() },
+        "bsd" => lambda{ BSD() },
+        "business" => lambda{ Business() },
+        "dev" => lambda{ Developers() },
+        #"entertainment" => lambda{ Entertainment() } 
+        #"features" => lambda{ Features() },
+        "games" => lambda{ Games() },
+        #"geeksinspace" => lambda{ GeeksInSpace() },
+        "hardware" => lambda{ Hardware() },
+        #"idle" => lambda{ Idle() },
+        "interview" => lambda{ Interviews() },
+        "it" => lambda{ IT() },
+        "linux" => lambda{ Linux() },
+        #"media" => lambda{ Media() },
+        "news" => lambda{ News() },
+        #"polls" => lambda{ Polls() },
+        #"politics" => lambda{ Politics() },
+        "science" => lambda{ Science() },
+        "space" => lambda{ Space() },
+        "tech" => lambda{ Technology() },
+        "yro" => lambda{ YourRightsOnline() }
+    }
+    end
+
+    def topics()
+        @topics
+    end
+
+    def headline()
+        @topics[any(@topics.keys)].call
+    end
+
+    def topic(what)
+        if (@topics.key?(what))
+            @topics[what].call 
+        else
+            headline()
+        end
+    end
+
+def Apple()
+  foo = rand(3)
+  if(foo == 0)
+    "New " + AppleProduct() + " Release Features " + GoodBrowserFeature()
+  elsif(foo == 1)
+    "Apple " + AppleHireFire()
+  else
+    any([ "Turn", "Transform", "Hack" ]) + " Your " + AppleHardware() + " Into A " + any([ "Fishbowl", "Phaser", "RC Car", "Robot", "Webserver", "Vibrator", "Calculator", "Toaster", "Waterboard", "Coffee Machine", "Doorstop", "Brick" ])
+  end
+end
+
+def AppleHireFire()
+  any([ "Hires", "Re-Hires", "Eying", "Steals" ]) + [ " Former", "" ][rand(2)] + " " + TechCompany() + " " + Profession()
+end
+
+def AppleProduct() any([ lambda{ AppleSoftware() }, lambda{ AppleHardware() } ]).call; end
+def AppleSoftware() any([ "OS9", "OS X", "iTunes", "iLife", "SnowLeopard", "Cheetah", "Panther" ]); end
+def AppleHardware() any([ "iMac", "iPod", "iPhone", "MacBook", "Mighty Mouse", "Mac Mini", "Airport" ]); end
+
+def AskSlashdot()
+  any([ "Encrypting", "Porting", "Taking Over", "Forking", "Selling", "Buying", "Saving", "Archiving" ]) + " " +
+  any([ "Abandoned", "Open Source", "Free", "Slow", "Closed Source", "Web-based", "Obsolete" ]) + " " +
+  any([ "Hardware", "Software", "Projects", "Drivers", "Operating Systems", "Frameworks", "Programming Languages", "Coffee Machines", "Missile Guidance Software", "Filesystems", "Media" ]) + "?"
+end
+
+def BookReview() "Book Review: " + BookReviewAdjective() + " " + ProgrammingLanguageOrFramework() end
+
+def BookReviewAdjective()
+    if (0 == rand(2))
+        TechnoAdjective()
+    else
+        any([ "Ass-Out", "Balls-to-the-Walls", "Inside-Out", "Upside-down", "Kludge Your Way Through", "Learn Just Enough To Be Dangerous:", "Pig-Latin", "Buzzword-Compliant", "Outdated", "Ineffective" ])
+    end
+end
+
+def BSD()
+  os = NerdOS()
+  os + " " + OSVersion(os) + " " + NerdOSSuffix()
+end
+
+def Business()
+  foo = rand(5)
+  if(foo == 0)
+    Google()
+  elsif(foo == 1)
+    Microsoft()
+  elsif(foo == 2)
+    TechCompany() + " Unveils Potential " + VenerableProduct() + " Killer"
+  elsif(foo == 3)
+      TechCompany() + " " +
+      any([ "Considering", "Possibly" ]) + " " +
+      any([ "Purchasing", "Alliance with", "Merging with"]) + " " +
+      TechCompany() + "?"
+  else
+    TechCompany() + " Patents " + Patentable()
+  end
+end
+
+def Developers() any([ lambda{ MozillaDitchFeature() }, lambda{ IsDead() }, lambda{ BugPatched() }, lambda{ GNU() } ]).call; end
+
+def IsDead() "Are " + NerdTopic().sub(/y$/, "ie") + "s " + DeadWords() + "?"; end
+def BugPatched() LongTime()[0..-2] +"-Old Bug Discovered in " + NerdOS() + ", Patched in " + ShortTime() + "s"; end
+def GNU() any([ lambda{ Stallman() } ]).call; end
+def Stallman()
+  "Richard Stallman " +
+  any([ "Slams", "Decries", "Demonizes" ]) +
+  " Use of " +
+  any([ "Closed-Source", "Proprietary", "Web-based", "Ascii-Only", "Unicode", "English-Only" ]) + " " +
+  any([ "Software", "Hardware", "Firmware", "USB Sticks", "CDs", "Operating Systems" ]) +
+  " As " +
+  any([ "Capitalistic", "Fundamentally Unfree", "Stupid", "'Worse Than Hitler'" ])
+end
+
+def Games()
+  Game() + " " +
+  any([ "Breaks Everyone's Favorite", "Enhances", "Features New", "Promises Better", "Reconsiders", "Redesigns", "Restricts", "Rethinks", "Will Change How You Think About" ]) + " " +
+  any(["AI", "Weapons", "Cheats", "Controls", "Easter Eggs", "Graphics", "Levels", "Team-based Cooperation" ])
+end
+
+def Hardware() 
+  any([ "ATI", "NVidia", "Open Source Graphics Collective" ]) + " " +
+  any([ "Secretly", "Purportedly", "Possibly", "Admittedly" ]) + " " +
+  any([ "Considers", "Cancels", "Reveals" ]) + " " +
+  any([ "Porting", "Adding Pipelines to", "Adding Cores to", "Open Sourcing", "New Features in", "Adding Shaders to", "Adding Raytracing to", "Upgrade to", "Production of" ]) + " " +
+  RandomGraphicsCardProduct()
+end
+
+def GraphicsPrefix() any([ "Open", "Phys", "GP", "Direct" ]); end
+def GraphicsSuffix() any([ "X", "GL", "Gfx" ]); end
+def RandomGraphicsCardProduct() GraphicsPrefix() + GraphicsSuffix() + [ "", ((rand(7)+2)*100).to_s ][rand(2)]; end
+
+def IT() 
+  foo = rand(2)
+  if foo == 0
+    TechnoAdjective() + " " +
+    any([ "Programming", "Studying", "Training", "Administration" ]) + " " +
+    any([ "Rituals", "Secrets", "Habits", "Theories", "Stories", "Experiences", "Close Calls" ])
+  else
+    "What's Your Favorite " + NerdTopic() + "?"
+  end
+end
+
+def Game() GameTitle() + " " + GameVersion() end
+def GameTitle() any([ "Quake", "Doom", "The Sims", "Half-Life", "Call of Duty", "Warcraft", "TeamFortress", "Halo", "Guitar Hero", "Grand Theft Auto", "Final Fantasy" ]); end
+
+def Interviews() "Ask " + TechOrganization() + " " + Profession() + " " + RandomName() end
+
+def Linux() any([ lambda{ LinuxOS() }, lambda{ TorvaldsQuote() } ]).call; end
+
+def LinuxOS() "Linux " + LinuxVersion() + " " + NerdOSSuffix() end
+def LinuxVersion() "2.6." + (rand(185)+15).to_s; end
+
+
+def TorvaldsQuote()
+  "Torvalds to " +
+  any([ "Users", "Administrators", "Everyone", "the Media", "Long-time Contributors", "Linux Volunteers", "Hard-working Subsystem Maintainers", "Linux Community" ]) + ": " +
+  any([ "Piss Off!", "You're All Stupid", "Bite Me", "You Are Idiots", "Shut Up" ])
+end
+
+def News() any([ lambda{ WebsiteOutage() }, lambda{ InaneNewsQuestion() } ]).call; end
+
+def InaneNewsQuestion()
+  any([ "Do We Really Want", "Do We Really Need", "Don't We Have Enough" ]) + " " +
+  any([ "ISPs", "Vendors", "Software Companies", "Monopolies", "Advertisers", "DRM", "Watermarks", "Trademarks" ]) + " " +
+  any([ "Filtering", "In", "Monitoring", "Embedded in" ]) + " " +
+  any([ "Desktops", "Software", "the Workplace", "Entertainment", "Source Code", "Networks", "Schools", "Games" ]) + "?"
+end
+
+def Science() any([ lambda{ Physics() }, lambda{ Math() }, lambda{ Science() } ]).call; end
+
+def Technology() any([ lambda{ SoftwareVS() }, lambda{ Top10() } ]).call; end
+
+def SoftwareVS() SoftwareProduct() + " " + any([ "Takes On", "vs.", "Now Supports", "Drops Support for" ]) + " " + any([ "PDF", "Graphics", "Plaintext", "the Internet", "Email", "Unicode" ]); end
+
+def Top10()
+  "Top 10 " +
+  any([ "Hottest", "Disastrous", "Best", "Worst", "Biggest", "Stupidest" ]) + " " +
+  any([ "Applications", "Operating Systems", "Programming Languages", "IDEs", "Debuggers", "PCs", "Products", "Technologies", "Decisions in Software" ])
+end
+
+def SoftwareProduct() any([ "MS Word", "Excel", "Visio", "Acrobat", "Photoshop", "Lotus Notes", "OpenOffice", "GNU Cash" ]); end
+def YourRightsOnline() any([ lambda{ Encryption() }, lambda{ FileSharing() }, lambda{ UserDataStolen() }, lambda{ TinfoilHat() } ]).call; end
+def Encryption() "Researchers Break " + TechnoRate() + " " + any(["Encryption", "Transmission", "Internet2" ]) + " Record"; end
+
+def UserDataStolen()
+  any([ "Bank", "Corporation", "University", "Government", "Military" ]) + " " +
+  any([ "Misplaces USB Stick Containing", "Loses Harddrives Containing", "Sells Tape Drive Containing", "Mistakenly Gives Away", "Website Exposes" ]) + " " +
+  (rand(500)).to_s + " Million " +
+  any([ "Credit Card Numbers", "Social Security Numbers", "User Passwords" ])
+end
+
+def TinfoilHat()
+  any([
+    "Is " + (rand(20)+5).to_s + "-Gauge Tinfoil Really Thick Enough?",
+    GovOrg() + " Monitors Your " + PersonalThing(),
+    "Encrypting Your " + PersonalThing() + " Won't Thwart " + GovOrg(),
+    "Wouldn't " + any([ "You", "Aliens", "Your Mom", "Your Grandmother", "Your Boss" ]) + " Use " + NerdOS() + "?"
+  ])
+end
+
+def Microsoft()
+  any([
+    lambda{ Windows() },
+    lambda{ WindowsUpdate() },
+    lambda{ MicrosoftEvil() },
+    lambda{ MicrosoftRandom() }
+  ]).call
+end
+
+def Windows() WindowsPrefix() + " Windows " + WindowsVersion() end
+
+def MicrosoftEvil()
+  "Microsoft's " +
+    any([ "Patents", "Pricing Policies", "Monopolistic Tactics", "Insecure Software", "High Prices" ]) + " " +
+    any([ "Crippling", "Destroying", "Maiming", "Hurting", "Poisoning", "Degrading" ]) + " " +
+    any([ "the Internet", "Operating Systems", "the Software Industry", "Society", "Open Source", "Blind Children", "Communities", "the Environment", "Users", "an Entire Generation" ])
+end
+
+def WindowsUpdate()
+  "Latest Windows " +
+  any([ "Patch", "Update", "Service Pack" ]) + " " +
+  any([ "Causes More Problems Than It Solves", "Destroys Network", "Contains Virus", "Is a Mess", "Less Than Optimal" ])
+end
+
+def MicrosoftRandom() "Microsoft " + EvilVerb() + " " + Victims() end
+def FileSharing()
+    any([
+        lambda{EvilOrg() + " " + EvilVerb() + " " + Victims() },
+        lambda{ RIAA() }
+    ]).call
+end
+
+def RIAA()
+    foo = rand(2)
+    if (0 == foo)
+        "RIAA's " +
+        any([ "Next", "Newest", "Latest" ]) + " " +
+        any([ "Dirty", "Dubious", "Abominable", "Horrific", "Ludicruous", "Unconstitutional" ]) + " " +
+        any([ "Method", "Tactic", "Trick" ]) + ": " +
+        any([ "Pre-Sale", "Thought-based", "Random", "Thought-Crime", "Probabilistic", "Automated", "Pre-Pirating", "EULA-based" ]) + " " +
+        any([ "Taxes", "Lawsuits", "Trials", "Executions", "Waterboarding" ])
+    else
+        any([ "The Pirate Bay", "TPB" ]) + " " +
+        any([ "Continue", "Are Still At It", "Haven't Given In", "Haven't Given Up" ]) + " " +
+        any([ "Despite Being", "Even Though They Are" ]) + " " +
+        any([ "Homeless", "In Jail", "Dead", "in Somalia", "in Parliament", "Now Born-Again Christians", "Surrounded", "Wanted Dead or Alive", "Computerless" ])
+    end
+end
+
+def Google()
+  foo = rand(4)
+  if(foo == 0)
+    x = MundaneApp()
+    "New Google G" + x.sub(" ","") + " Beta Doesn't Just Reinvent the " + x
+  elsif(foo == 1)
+    "Google's Long-Awaited Web-based " + MundaneApp() + " Enters Beta"
+  elsif(foo == 2)
+    "Google's Next Recruits: World's Elite " + RandomProfession() + "s"
+  else
+    "Google Does It Again"
+  end
+end
+
+def WebsiteOutage() Website() + " Experiences " + ShortTime() + " Outage, Users " + BadNoun() end
+
+def MozillaDitchFeature() "Mozilla To Ditch Firefox's " + GoodBrowserFeature() + " Support For Experimental " + StupidFuturisticFirefoxFeature() end
+
+def NerdOSSuffix()
+  foo = rand(4)
+  if(foo == 0)
+    "Now Supports " + ArcaneFeature()
+  elsif(foo == 1)
+    any([ "Voted Best", "Smash Hit", "Cracked" ]) + " At " + NerdCon()
+  elsif(foo == 2)
+    "Forked"
+  else
+    "Released"
+  end
+end
+
+def Space()
+    any([
+        lambda{ SpaceRevelation() },
+        lambda{ SpaceCountry() },
+        lambda{ SpaceGeneric() },
+        lambda{
+            any([ "Probe", "Mission" ]) + " " +
+            any([ "Encounters", "Confronts" ]) + " " +
+            any([ "Strange", "Debilitating", "Horrifying", "Unexpected", "Damaging" ]) + " " +
+            any([ "Turbulence", "Smell", "Sights", "Residue" ]) + " " +
+            any([ "on", "Near", "In Vicinity of" ]) + " " +
+            any([ "Uranus" ])
+        }
+    ]).call
+end
+
+def SpaceRevelation()
+    any([ "CO2", "Water", "Ice", "Fossils", "Methane", "Rocks", "Storms", "Canals", "Artifacts", "Impact Craters", "Strange Patterns" ]) +
+    " On " +
+    any([ "Moon", "Mars", "Phobos", "Deimos", "Io", "Europa", "Ganymede", "Jupiter", "Saturn", "the Sun" ]) + " " +
+    any([ "Could", "May" ]) + " " +
+    any([ "Indicate", "Signal", "Foretell", "Affect", "Hint at", "Explain the End of" ]) + " " +
+    any([ "Life as We Know It", "Early Life", "the Early Solar System", "Alien Dinosaurs", "Future Space Travel", "Acient Biosphere", "Sunspots", "Mystery Transmissions" ])
+end
+
+def SpaceCountry()
+    any([ "U.S.", "Canada", "Russia", "China", "Europe" ]) + " " +
+    any([ "On Path To", "Takes Aim at", "Looks Towards", "Contemplating" ]) + " " +
+    any([ "Moonbase", "Advanced Satellites", "Mars Exploration", "Mars Missions", "Mars Colony" ])
+end
+
+def SpaceGeneric()
+    [ SpaceAgency(), SpaceVessel(), SpaceVerb(), SpaceBullshit() ].join(" ")
+end
+
+def Physics()
+  foo = rand(1+1-0)
+  if foo == 0
+    any([ "Elusive", "Virtual", "Quantum", "Puzzling", "\"Impossible\"" ]) + " " +
+    PhysicsBullshit() +
+    " Particle " +
+    any([ "Discovered", "Never Existed", "Theorized", "Modeled", "Observed", "Detected" ])
+  else
+    ParticleAccelerator()
+  end
+end
+
+def ParticleAccelerator()
+  foo = rand(3)
+  if(foo == 0)
+    LastName() + " Particle Accelerator Data Will Take " + LongTime() + " to Process"
+  elsif(foo == 1)
+    "Particle Accelerator " + any([ "Repairs", "Upgrade", "Construction", "Tune Up", "Systems Test", "Reboot" ]) + " Will " + any([ "Take " + LongTime(), "Cost $" + BigNumber() ])
+  else
+    LastName() + " Particle Accelerator Bug Means " + LongTime()[0..-2] + " Delay"
+  end
+end
+
+def Math()
+  [
+    any([ "New", "Existing", "Surprising", "Optimized", "Powerful", "Exponential" ]),
+    any([ "Pattern", "Algorithm", "Power Series", "Financial Model", "Sequence", "Non-Euclidean Geometery" ]),
+    any([ "Discovered in", "Found in", "Explains", "Simplifies", "Derived From", "Sheds Light on", "Changes Our Understanding of", "Has Huge Ramifications for" ]),
+    any([ "Prime Numbers", "Stock Market", "Financial Markets", "Evolution", "the Cosmos", "Spacetime", "String Theory", "Fluid Dynamics", "Soap Bubbles", "Knots", "Turbulence" ])
+  ].join(" ")
+end
+
+def NerdOS()
+  foo = rand(3)
+  if(foo == 0)
+    "Linux"
+  elsif(foo == 1)
+    RandomBSD()
+  else
+    RandomOS()
+  end
+end
+
+def BigNumber() (rand(990)+10).to_s + " " + any([ "Million", "Billion", "Trillion" ]); end
+
+
+def ProgrammingLanguageOrFramework() any([ lambda{ ProgrammingLanguage() }, lambda{ Framework() } ]).call; end
+def ShortTime() (rand(59)+1).to_s + " " + ShortTimeUnit() end
+def LongTime() (rand(6)+5).to_s + " " + LongTimeUnit() end
+def RandomBSD() Prefix() + "BSD"; end
+def RandomOS() Prefix() + "OS"; end
+
+def GameVersion() (2+rand(8)).to_s; end
+
+def SimpleVersion() rand(10).to_s; end
+
+def OSVersion(os)
+  if("Linux" == os)
+    LinuxVersion()
+  else
+    Version()
+  end
+end
+
+
+def Version()
+  ver = SimpleVersion() + "." + SimpleVersion()
+  if rand(2) == 0
+    ver = ver + "." + SimpleVersion()
+  end
+  ver
+end
+
+def ArcaneFeature() TechnoAdjective() + " " + TechnoNoun() + " " + TechnoVerb() end
+def NerdCon() Prefix() + "Con"; end
+def StupidSoftwareName() Consonant().to_s.upcase() + Vowel() + Vowel() + Consonant() + Vowel() end
+
+def any(l); l[rand(l.length)]; end
+
+def WindowsPrefix()
+  any([
+    "Critical Vulnerability Discovered in",
+    "Microsoft Discontinues Support for",
+    "Hackers Poke Holes in",
+    "Linux Performance Trumps",
+    "What Can't You Do In Linux You Can Do In"
+  ])
+end
+
+def Prefix() any([ "Free", "Net", "Open", "Source", "Nerd", "StarTrek", "React", "Hacker", "Wifi", "Shmoo", "Foo" ]); end
+def NerdTopic() any([ "Text Editor", "Regular Expression", "Database Query", "Functional Programming Language", "Hacking Technique", "Stack-Smasher", "Cmdline", "Keyboard Shortcut", "Spam Solution", "Algorithm", "x86 Opcode", "DRM Workaround", "Filesharing Strategy", "Micro-Optimization", "Design Pattern" ]); end
+def VenerableProduct () any([ "Google", "Oracle", "Relational Database", "Windows", "Wifi", "TCP", "HTTP", "Search Engine", "Desktop", "Server" ]); end
+def TechnoAdjective() any([ "Recursive", "Front-end", "Back-end", "Object-Oriented", "Extreme", "Efficient", "Optimized", "Obfuscated", "Flash-based", "Cached", "Content-based", "Effective", "P=NP", "P!=NP", "Linear", "Functional", "O(log n)", "O(n)", "O(n^2)" ]); end
+def TechnoNoun() any([ "Filesystem", "Kernel", "Module", "Dependency", "Touchscreen", "Pen Input", "USB", "Serial Port", "SCSI", "Storage", "TCP", "CPU", "Network" ]); end
+def TechnoVerb() any([ "Unloading", "Loading", "Injection", "Healing", "Filtering", "Balancing" ]); end
+def WindowsVersion() any([ "3.11", "95", "98", "ME", "XP", "Server 2003", "Vista", "7" ]); end
+def ProgrammingLanguage() any([ "PHP", "Perl", "Python", "Ruby", "Lisp", "Lua" ]); end
+def Framework() any([ "Drupal", "PHPMyAdmin", "Rails", "Django", "Twisted", "Google Gears", "MySQL" ]); end
+def Website() any([ "CNN.com", "Facebook", "Digg", "Youtube", "MSNBC.com", "Yahoo.com", "Google.com", "GMail", "Twitter" ]); end
+def TechCompany() any([ "Oracle", "Microsoft", "Sun", "Hewlett Packard", "Dell", "Yahoo!", "IBM" ]); end
+def BadNoun() any([ "Angry", "Confused", "Oblivious", "Scared" ]); end
+def ShortTimeUnit() any([ "Second", "Minute", "Hour" ]); end
+def LongTimeUnit() any([ "Days", "Weeks", "Months", "Years", "Decades" ]); end
+def EvilOrg() any([ "MPAA", "RIAA", "ISP" ]); end
+def EvilVerb() any([ "Sues", "Hates", "Blocks", "Rootkits", "Monitors", "Cancels" ]); end
+def Victims() any([ "Customers", "Contractors", "Users", "Visitors", "Children", "Computerless Grandmother" ]); end
+def MundaneApp() any([ "Email", "Word Processor", "Text Editor", "Spreadsheet", "BIOS", "Database" ]); end
+def SpaceAgency() any([ "NASA", "European Space Agency", "China" ]); end
+def SpaceVessel() any([ "Shuttle", "Probe", "Satellite", "Rocket", "RamJet" ]); end
+def SpaceVerb() any([ "Launched Toward", "Deploys", "Repairs", "Loses", "Headed For", "Docks With", "Links Up To" ]); end
+def SpaceBullshit() any([ "Important Bolt", "Heatshield", "Experiment", "Sensor", "Orbit", "Mars", "Jupiter", "Saturn", "Uranus" ]); end
+def Vowel() any("aeiou".split(//)); end
+def Consonant() any("bcdfghjklmnpqrtvwxyz".split(//)); end
+def GoodBrowserFeature() any([ "URLs", "Links", "Text", "Image", "Icons", "Mouse Pointer", "Tabs", "Extensions", "Multithreading", "HTTP/1.1", "Mouse Gestures", "Audio Support", "Scrolling" ]); end
+def StupidFuturisticFirefoxFeature() any([ "Awesome Bar", "3D Hologram", "Klingon Language Support", "Invisible Icons", "Upside-Down Pages", "Single Pixel", "Neural Interface", "Joystick" ]); end
+def PhysicsBullshit() any([ "Quasi", "Zig-Zag", "Upside-Down", "Triple-Flavored", "Inside-Out" ]); end
+def Rate() "/" + any([ "sec", "min", "hr" ]); end
+def Amount() any([ "kbit", "Mbit", "GBit", "Tbit", "Pbit", "Ybit" ]); end
+def TechnoRate() (100+rand(900)).to_s + " " + Amount() + Rate() end
+def RandomProfession() any([ "Janitor", "Gardener", "Architect", "Rollerskater", "Superintendent", "Chef", "Bicyclist", "Juggler", "Comedian" ]); end
+
+def TechOrganization() StupidSoftwareName() + any(["Soft", "!", "Studios", " Corp"]); end
+def Profession() any([ "CEO", "President", "Founder", "Chairman", "Project Lead", "Guru", "Architect", "Designer", "Creator", "Programmer" ]); end
+def RandomName() FirstName() + " " + LastName() end
+def FirstName() any([ "Arthur", "Bob", "Carl", "David", "Earl", "Fred", "George", "Harold", "Ivan", "Julia", "Kevin", "Larry", "Margaret", "Michael", "Nancy", "Rory", "Ted", "Tracy" ]); end
+def LastName() any([ "Anderson", "Blevins", "Carmack", "Daniels", "Johnson", "Kelvin", "Morris", "Neilson", "Savage", "Smith" ]); end
+
+def Patentable() MundaneComputerVerb() + " " + MundaneComputerNoun() end
+def MundaneComputerVerb() any([ "Coloring", "Resizing", "Sorting", "Linking", "Printing", "Retrieving", "Storing" ]); end
+def MundaneComputerNoun() any([ "Harddrives", "Text", "Images", "Messages", "Email" ]); end
+
+def GovOrg() any([ "CIA", "NSA", "NRO", "FBI", "Military", "DARPA", "Management" ]); end
+def PersonalThing() any([ "Phone Calls", "Emails", "Handwriting", "HAM Radio Broadcasts", "Dreams", "Nocturnal Emissions" ]); end
+def DeadWords() any([ "Dead", "Obsolete", "Finished", "Worth It", "Valuable", "On the Way Out", "Stupid", "Done For" ]); end
+
+end
+
+#500.times{ puts HeadlineGenerator.new.topic("yro") }
+#puts HeadlineGenerator.new.topic("yro")
+#puts HeadlineGenerator.new.topics.keys.sort.join("|")
+