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- The popular notion about marriage and love is that they are synonymous,
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- that they spring from the same motives, and cover the same human needs.
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- Like most popular notions this also rests not on actual facts, but on
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- superstition.
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-
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- Marriage and love have nothing in common; they are as far apart as the
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- poles; are, in fact, antagonistic to each other. No doubt some marriages
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- have been the result of love. Not, however, because love could assert
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- itself only in marriage; much rather is it because few people can
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- completely outgrow a convention. There are today large numbers of men
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- and women to whom marriage is naught but a farce, but who submit to it
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- for the sake of public opinion. At any rate, while it is true that some
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- marriages are based on love, and while it is equally true that in some
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- cases love continues in married life, I maintain that it does so
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- regardless of marriage, and not because of it.
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-
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- On the other hand, it is utterly false that love results from marriage.
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- On rare occasions one does hear of a miraculous case of a married couple
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- falling in love after marriage, but on close examination it will be
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- found that it is a mere adjustment to the inevitable. Certainly the
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- growing-used to each other is far away from the spontaneity, the
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- intensity, and beauty of love, without which the intimacy of marriage
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- must prove degrading to both the woman and the man.
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-
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- Marriage is primarily an economic arrangement, an insurance pact. It
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- differs from the ordinary life insurance agreement only in that it is
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- more binding, more exacting. Its returns are insignificantly small
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- compared with the investments. In taking out an insurance policy one
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- pays for it in dollars and cents, always at liberty to discontinue
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- payments. If, however, woman's premium is a husband, she pays for it
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- with her name, her privacy, her self-respect, her very life, "until
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- death doth part." Moreover, the marriage insurance condemns her to
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- life-long dependency, to parasitism, to complete uselessness, individual
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- as well as social. Man, too, pays his toll, but as his sphere is wider,
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- marriage does not limit him as much as woman. He feels his chains more
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- in an economic sense.
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-
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- Thus Dante's motto over Inferno applies with equal force to marriage.
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- "Ye who enter here leave all hope behind."
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-
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- That marriage is a failure none but the very stupid will deny. One has
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- but to glance over the statistics of divorce to realize how bitter a
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- failure marriage really is. Nor will the stereotyped Philistine argument
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- that the laxity of divorce laws and the growing looseness of woman
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- account for the fact that: first, every twelfth marriage ends in
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- divorce; second, that since 1870 divorces have increased from 28 to 73
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- for every hundred thousand population; third, that adultery, since 1867,
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- as ground for divorce, has increased 270.8 per cent.; fourth, that
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- desertion increased 369.8 per cent.
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-
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- Added to these startling figures is a vast amount of material, dramatic
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- and literary, further elucidating this subject. Robert Herrick, in
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- _Together_; Pinero, in _Mid-Channel_; Eugene Walter, in _Paid in Full_,
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- and scores of other writers are discussing the barrenness, the monotony,
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- the sordidness, the inadequacy of marriage as a factor for harmony and
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- understanding.
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-
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- The thoughtful social student will not content himself with the popular
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- superficial excuse for this phenomenon. He will have to dig down deeper
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- into the very life of the sexes to know why marriage proves so
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- disastrous.
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-
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- Edward Carpenter says that behind every marriage stands the life-long
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- environment of the two sexes; an environment so different from each
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- other that man and woman must remain strangers. Separated by an
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- insurmountable wall of superstition, custom, and habit, marriage has not
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- the potentiality of developing knowledge of, and respect for, each
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- other, without which every union is doomed to failure.
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-
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- Henrik Ibsen, the hater of all social shams, was probably the first to
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- realize this great truth. Nora leaves her husband, not--as the stupid
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- critic would have it--because she is tired of her responsibilities or
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- feels the need of woman's rights, but because she has come to know that
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- for eight years she had lived with a stranger and borne him children.
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- Can there be anything more humiliating, more degrading than a life-long
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- proximity between two strangers? No need for the woman to know anything
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- of the man, save his income. As to the knowledge of the woman--what is
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- there to know except that she has a pleasing appearance? We have not yet
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- outgrown the theologic myth that woman has no soul, that she is a mere
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- appendix to man, made out of his rib just for the convenience of the
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- gentleman who was so strong that he was afraid of his own shadow.
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-
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- Perchance the poor quality of the material whence woman comes is
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- responsible for her inferiority. At any rate, woman has no soul--what is
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- there to know about her? Besides, the less soul a woman has the greater
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- her asset as a wife, the more readily will she absorb herself in her
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- husband. It is this slavish acquiescence to man's superiority that has
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- kept the marriage institution seemingly intact for so long a period. Now
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- that woman is coming into her own, now that she is actually growing
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- aware of herself as a being outside of the master's grace, the sacred
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- institution of marriage is gradually being undermined, and no amount of
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- sentimental lamentation can stay it.
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-
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- From infancy, almost, the average girl is told that marriage is her
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- ultimate goal; therefore her training and education must be directed
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- towards that end. Like the mute beast fattened for slaughter, she is
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- prepared for that. Yet, strange to say, she is allowed to know much less
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- about her function as wife and mother than the ordinary artisan of his
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- trade. It is indecent and filthy for a respectable girl to know anything
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- of the marital relation. Oh, for the inconsistency of respectability,
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- that needs the marriage vow to turn something which is filthy into the
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- purest and most sacred arrangement that none dare question or criticize.
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- Yet that is exactly the attitude of the average upholder of marriage.
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- The prospective wife and mother is kept in complete ignorance of her
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- only asset in the competitive field--sex. Thus she enters into life-long
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- relations with a man only to find herself shocked, repelled, outraged
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- beyond measure by the most natural and healthy instinct, sex. It is safe
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- to say that a large percentage of the unhappiness, misery, distress, and
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- physical suffering of matrimony is due to the criminal ignorance in sex
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- matters that is being extolled as a great virtue. Nor is it at all an
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- exaggeration when I say that more than one home has been broken up
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- because of this deplorable fact.
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-
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-
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- If, however, woman is free and big enough to learn the mystery of sex
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- without the sanction of State or Church, she will stand condemned as
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- utterly unfit to become the wife of a "good" man, his goodness
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- consisting of an empty brain and plenty of money. Can there be anything
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- more outrageous than the idea that a healthy, grown woman, full of life
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- and passion, must deny nature's demand, must subdue her most intense
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- craving, undermine her health and break her spirit, must stunt her
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- vision, abstain from the depth and glory of sex experience until a
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- "good" man comes along to take her unto himself as a wife? That is
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- precisely what marriage means. How can such an arrangement end except in
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- failure? This is one, though not the least important, factor of
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- marriage, which differentiates it from love.
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-
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- Ours is a practical age. The time when Romeo and Juliet risked the wrath
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- of their fathers for love, when Gretchen exposed herself to the gossip
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- of her neighbors for love, is no more. If, on rare occasions, young
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- people allow themselves the luxury of romance, they are taken in care by
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- the elders, drilled and pounded until they become "sensible."
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-
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- The moral lesson instilled in the girl is not whether the man has
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- aroused her love, but rather is it, "How much?" The important and only
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- God of practical American life: Can the man make a living? can he
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- support a wife? That is the only thing that justifies marriage.
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- Gradually this saturates every thought of the girl; her dreams are not
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- of moonlight and kisses, of laughter and tears; she dreams of shopping
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- tours and bargain counters. This soul poverty and sordidness are the
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- elements inherent in the marriage institution. The State and the Church
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- approve of no other ideal, simply because it is the one that
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- necessitates the State and Church control of men and women.
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-
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- Doubtless there are people who continue to consider love above dollars
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- and cents. Particularly is this true of that class whom economic
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- necessity has forced to become self-supporting. The tremendous change in
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- woman's position, wrought by that mighty factor, is indeed phenomenal
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- when we reflect that it is but a short time since she has entered the
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- industrial arena. Six million women wage workers; six million women, who
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- have the equal right with men to be exploited, to be robbed, to go on
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- strike; aye, to starve even. Anything more, my lord? Yes, six million
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- wage workers in every walk of life, from the highest brain work to the
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- mines and railroad tracks; yes, even detectives and policemen. Surely
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- the emancipation is complete.
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-
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- Yet with all that, but a very small number of the vast army of women
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- wage workers look upon work as a permanent issue, in the same light as
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- does man. No matter how decrepit the latter, he has been taught to be
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- independent, self-supporting. Oh, I know that no one is really
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- independent in our economic treadmill; still, the poorest specimen of a
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- man hates to be a parasite; to be known as such, at any rate.
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-
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- The woman considers her position as worker transitory, to be thrown
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- aside for the first bidder. That is why it is infinitely harder to
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- organize women than men. "Why should I join a union? I am going to get
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- married, to have a home." Has she not been taught from infancy to look
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- upon that as her ultimate calling? She learns soon enough that the home,
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- though not so large a prison as the factory, has more solid doors and
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- bars. It has a keeper so faithful that naught can escape him. The most
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- tragic part, however, is that the home no longer frees her from wage
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- slavery; it only increases her task.
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-
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- According to the latest statistics submitted before a Committee "on
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- labor and wages, and congestion of population," ten per cent. of the
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- wage workers in New York City alone are married, yet they must continue
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- to work at the most poorly paid labor in the world. Add to this horrible
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- aspect the drudgery of housework, and what remains of the protection and
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- glory of the home? As a matter of fact, even the middle-class girl in
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- marriage can not speak of her home, since it is the man who creates her
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- sphere. It is not important whether the husband is a brute or a
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- darling. What I wish to prove is that marriage guarantees woman a home
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- only by the grace of her husband. There she moves about in _his_ home,
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- year after year, until her aspect of life and human affairs becomes as
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- flat, narrow, and drab as her surroundings. Small wonder if she becomes
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- a nag, petty, quarrelsome, gossipy, unbearable, thus driving the man
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- from the house. She could not go, if she wanted to; there is no place to
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- go. Besides, a short period of married life, of complete surrender of
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- all faculties, absolutely incapacitates the average woman for the
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- outside world. She becomes reckless in appearance, clumsy in her
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- movements, dependent in her decisions, cowardly in her judgment, a
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- weight and a bore, which most men grow to hate and despise. Wonderfully
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- inspiring atmosphere for the bearing of life, is it not?
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-
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- But the child, how is it to be protected, if not for marriage? After
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- all, is not that the most important consideration? The sham, the
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- hypocrisy of it! Marriage protecting the child, yet thousands of
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- children destitute and homeless. Marriage protecting the child, yet
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- orphan asylums and reformatories overcrowded, the Society for the
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- Prevention of Cruelty to Children keeping busy in rescuing the little
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- victims from "loving" parents, to place them under more loving care, the
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- Gerry Society. Oh, the mockery of it!
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-
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- Marriage may have the power to bring the horse to water, but has it ever
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- made him drink? The law will place the father under arrest, and put him
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- in convict's clothes; but has that ever stilled the hunger of the child?
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- If the parent has no work, or if he hides his identity, what does
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- marriage do then? It invokes the law to bring the man to "justice," to
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- put him safely behind closed doors; his labor, however, goes not to the
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- child, but to the State. The child receives but a blighted memory of its
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- father's stripes.
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-
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- As to the protection of the woman,--therein lies the curse of marriage.
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- Not that it really protects her, but the very idea is so revolting, such
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- an outrage and insult on life, so degrading to human dignity, as to
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- forever condemn this parasitic institution.
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-
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- It is like that other paternal arrangement--capitalism. It robs man of
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- his birthright, stunts his growth, poisons his body, keeps him in
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- ignorance, in poverty, and dependence, and then institutes charities
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- that thrive on the last vestige of man's self-respect.
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-
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- The institution of marriage makes a parasite of woman, an absolute
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- dependent. It incapacitates her for life's struggle, annihilates her
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- social consciousness, paralyzes her imagination, and then imposes its
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- gracious protection, which is in reality a snare, a travesty on human
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- character.
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-
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- If motherhood is the highest fulfillment of woman's nature, what other
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- protection does it need, save love and freedom? Marriage but defiles,
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- outrages, and corrupts her fulfillment. Does it not say to woman, Only
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- when you follow me shall you bring forth life? Does it not condemn her
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- to the block, does it not degrade and shame her if she refuses to buy
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- her right to motherhood by selling herself? Does not marriage only
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- sanction motherhood, even though conceived in hatred, in compulsion?
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- Yet, if motherhood be of free choice, of love, of ecstasy, of defiant
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- passion, does it not place a crown of thorns upon an innocent head and
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- carve in letters of blood the hideous epithet, Bastard? Were marriage to
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- contain all the virtues claimed for it, its crimes against motherhood
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- would exclude it forever from the realm of love.
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-
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-
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- Love, the strongest and deepest element in all life, the harbinger of
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- hope, of joy, of ecstasy; love, the defier of all laws, of all
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- conventions; love, the freest, the most powerful moulder of human
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- destiny; how can such an all-compelling force be synonymous with that
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- poor little State and Church-begotten weed, marriage?
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-
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-
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- Free love? As if love is anything but free! Man has bought brains, but
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- all the millions in the world have failed to buy love. Man has subdued
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- bodies, but all the power on earth has been unable to subdue love. Man
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- has conquered whole nations, but all his armies could not conquer love.
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- Man has chained and fettered the spirit, but he has been utterly
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- helpless before love. High on a throne, with all the splendor and pomp
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- his gold can command, man is yet poor and desolate, if love passes him
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- by. And if it stays, the poorest hovel is radiant with warmth, with life
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- and color. Thus love has the magic power to make of a beggar a king.
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- Yes, love is free; it can dwell in no other atmosphere. In freedom it
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- gives itself unreservedly, abundantly, completely. All the laws on the
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- statutes, all the courts in the universe, cannot tear it from the soil,
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- once love has taken root. If, however, the soil is sterile, how can
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- marriage make it bear fruit? It is like the last desperate struggle of
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- fleeting life against death.
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-
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- Love needs no protection; it is its own protection. So long as love
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- begets life no child is deserted, or hungry, or famished for the want of
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- affection. I know this to be true. I know women who became mothers in
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- freedom by the men they loved. Few children in wedlock enjoy the care,
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- the protection, the devotion free motherhood is capable of bestowing.
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-
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-
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- The defenders of authority dread the advent of a free motherhood, lest
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- it will rob them of their prey. Who would fight wars? Who would create
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- wealth? Who would make the policeman, the jailer, if woman were to
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- refuse the indiscriminate breeding of children? The race, the race!
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- shouts the king, the president, the capitalist, the priest. The race
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- must be preserved, though woman be degraded to a mere machine,--and the
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- marriage institution is our only safety valve against the pernicious sex
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- awakening of woman. But in vain these frantic efforts to maintain a
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- state of bondage. In vain, too, the edicts of the Church, the mad
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- attacks of rulers, in vain even the arm of the law. Woman no longer
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- wants to be a party to the production of a race of sickly, feeble,
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- decrepit, wretched human beings, who have neither the strength nor moral
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- courage to throw off the yoke of poverty and slavery. Instead she
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- desires fewer and better children, begotten and reared in love and
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- through free choice; not by compulsion, as marriage imposes. Our
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- pseudo-moralists have yet to learn the deep sense of responsibility
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- toward the child, that love in freedom has awakened in the breast of
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- woman. Rather would she forego forever the glory of motherhood than
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- bring forth life in an atmosphere that breathes only destruction and
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- death. And if she does become a mother, it is to give to the child the
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- deepest and best her being can yield. To grow with the child is her
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- motto; she knows that in that manner alone can she help build true
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- manhood and womanhood.
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-
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-
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- Ibsen must have had a vision of a free mother, when, with a master
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- stroke, he portrayed Mrs. Alving. She was the ideal mother because she
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- had outgrown marriage and all its horrors, because she had broken her
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- chains, and set her spirit free to soar until it returned a personality,
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- regenerated and strong. Alas, it was too late to rescue her life's joy,
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- her Oswald; but not too late to realize that love in freedom is the only
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- condition of a beautiful life. Those who, like Mrs. Alving, have paid
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- with blood and tears for their spiritual awakening, repudiate marriage
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- as an imposition, a shallow, empty mockery. They know, whether love last
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- but one brief span of time or for eternity, it is the only creative,
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- inspiring, elevating basis for a new race, a new world.
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-
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-
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- In our present pygmy state love is indeed a stranger to most people.
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- Misunderstood and shunned, it rarely takes root; or if it does, it soon
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- withers and dies. Its delicate fiber can not endure the stress and
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- strain of the daily grind. Its soul is too complex to adjust itself to
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- the slimy woof of our social fabric. It weeps and moans and suffers with
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- those who have need of it, yet lack the capacity to rise to love's
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- summit.
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-
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- Some day, some day men and women will rise, they will reach the mountain
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- peak, they will meet big and strong and free, ready to receive, to
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- partake, and to bask in the golden rays of love. What fancy, what
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- imagination, what poetic genius can foresee even approximately the
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- potentialities of such a force in the life of men and women. If the
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- world is ever to give birth to true companionship and oneness, not
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- marriage, but love will be the parent.