fortune_gem 0.0.5
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- data/bin/fortune_gem +7 -0
- data/lib/fortune_gem.rb +19 -0
- data/lib/fortunes +2815 -0
- metadata +70 -0
data/bin/fortune_gem
ADDED
data/lib/fortune_gem.rb
ADDED
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module FortuneGem
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FORTUNES = File.open("#{File.dirname(__FILE__)}/fortunes").read.split("%").map{|f| f.sub("\n", "").strip }
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# Pass an option of :max_length if you want to limit length of fortunes #
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def self.give_fortune(options = {:max_length => nil})
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fortune = nil
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if options[:max_length]
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short_listed = FORTUNES.find_all{|f| f.length <= options[:max_length].to_i}
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fortune = short_listed[rand(short_listed.length)]
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else
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fortune = FORTUNES[rand(FORTUNES.length)]
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end
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fortune
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end
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end
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data/lib/fortunes
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A day for firm decisions!!!!! Or is it?
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%
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A few hours grace before the madness begins again.
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%
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5
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A gift of a flower will soon be made to you.
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%
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A long-forgotten loved one will appear soon.
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%
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9
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Buy the negatives at any price.
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10
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%
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11
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A tall, dark stranger will have more fun than you.
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%
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13
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A visit to a fresh place will bring strange work.
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%
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15
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A visit to a strange place will bring fresh work.
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%
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17
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A vivid and creative mind characterizes you.
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%
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Abandon the search for Truth; settle for a good fantasy.
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20
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%
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21
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Accent on helpful side of your nature. Drain the moat.
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22
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%
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23
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Advancement in position.
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%
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25
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After your lover has gone you will still have PEANUT BUTTER!
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26
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%
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27
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Afternoon very favorable for romance. Try a single person for a change.
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28
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%
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Alimony and bribes will engage a large share of your wealth.
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%
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31
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All the troubles you have will pass away very quickly.
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%
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33
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Among the lucky, you are the chosen one.
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34
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%
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35
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An avocado-tone refrigerator would look good on your resume.
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36
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%
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37
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An exotic journey in downtown Newark is in your future.
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%
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39
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Another good night not to sleep in a eucalyptus tree.
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40
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%
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41
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Are you a turtle?
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42
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%
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43
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Are you ever going to do the dishes? Or will you change your major to biology?
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44
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%
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45
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Are you making all this up as you go along?
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46
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%
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47
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Are you sure the back door is locked?
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48
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%
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49
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Artistic ventures highlighted. Rob a museum.
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50
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%
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51
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+
Avert misunderstanding by calm, poise, and balance.
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52
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%
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53
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Avoid gunfire in the bathroom tonight.
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54
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%
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55
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Avoid reality at all costs.
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56
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%
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57
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Bank error in your favor. Collect $200.
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58
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%
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59
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Be careful! Is it classified?
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60
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%
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61
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Be careful! UGLY strikes 9 out of 10!
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%
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63
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Be cautious in your daily affairs.
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%
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65
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Be cheerful while you are alive.
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66
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-- Phathotep, 24th Century B.C.
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%
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Be different: conform.
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69
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%
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70
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Be free and open and breezy! Enjoy! Things won't get any better so
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get used to it.
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72
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%
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73
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Be security conscious -- National defense is at stake.
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%
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75
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Beauty and harmony are as necessary to you as the very breath of life.
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76
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%
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77
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Best of all is never to have been born. Second best is to die soon.
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78
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%
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79
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Better hope the life-inspector doesn't come around while you have your
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life in such a mess.
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81
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%
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82
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Beware of a dark-haired man with a loud tie.
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%
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84
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Beware of a tall black man with one blond shoe.
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85
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%
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86
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Beware of a tall blond man with one black shoe.
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87
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%
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88
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Beware of Bigfoot!
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89
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%
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90
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Beware of low-flying butterflies.
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91
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%
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92
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Beware the one behind you.
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93
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%
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94
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Blow it out your ear.
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95
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%
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96
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Break into jail and claim police brutality.
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97
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%
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98
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Bridge ahead. Pay troll.
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99
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%
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100
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Caution: breathing may be hazardous to your health.
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%
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102
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Caution: Keep out of reach of children.
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103
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%
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104
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Celebrate Hannibal Day this year. Take an elephant to lunch.
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105
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%
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106
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Change your thoughts and you change your world.
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107
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%
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108
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Cheer Up! Things are getting worse at a slower rate.
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109
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%
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110
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Chess tonight.
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111
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%
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112
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Chicken Little only has to be right once.
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%
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114
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Chicken Little was right.
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115
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%
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116
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Cold hands, no gloves.
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%
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118
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Communicate! It can't make things any worse.
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%
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120
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Courage is your greatest present need.
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121
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%
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122
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Day of inquiry. You will be subpoenaed.
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123
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%
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124
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Do not overtax your powers.
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125
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%
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Do not sleep in a eucalyptus tree tonight.
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%
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128
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Do nothing unless you must, and when you must act -- hesitate.
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129
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%
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130
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Do something unusual today. Pay a bill.
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131
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%
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132
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Do what comes naturally. Seethe and fume and throw a tantrum.
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133
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%
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134
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Domestic happiness and faithful friends.
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%
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136
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Don't feed the bats tonight.
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%
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138
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Don't get stuck in a closet -- wear yourself out.
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%
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140
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Don't get to bragging.
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%
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142
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Don't go surfing in South Dakota for a while.
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+
%
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144
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Don't hate yourself in the morning -- sleep till noon.
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145
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%
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146
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+
Don't kiss an elephant on the lips today.
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%
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148
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Don't let your mind wander -- it's too little to be let out alone.
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149
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%
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150
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Don't look back, the lemmings are gaining on you.
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151
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+
%
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152
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Don't look now, but the man in the moon is laughing at you.
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153
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+
%
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154
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Don't look now, but there is a multi-legged creature on your shoulder.
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155
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%
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156
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Don't plan any hasty moves. You'll be evicted soon anyway.
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157
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%
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158
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Don't read any sky-writing for the next two weeks.
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159
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%
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160
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Don't read everything you believe.
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%
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162
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Don't relax! It's only your tension that's holding you together.
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163
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%
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164
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Don't tell any big lies today. Small ones can be just as effective.
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%
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166
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Don't worry so loud, your roommate can't think.
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167
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%
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168
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Don't Worry, Be Happy.
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-- Meher Baba
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%
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171
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Don't worry. Life's too long.
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-- Vincent Sardi, Jr.
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%
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Don't you feel more like you do now than you did when you came in?
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%
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176
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Don't you wish you had more energy... or less ambition?
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%
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Everything that you know is wrong, but you can be straightened out.
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%
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Everything will be just tickety-boo today.
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%
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Excellent day for putting Slinkies on an escalator.
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%
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Excellent day to have a rotten day.
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%
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186
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Excellent time to become a missing person.
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187
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%
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188
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Executive ability is prominent in your make-up.
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189
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%
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190
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Exercise caution in your daily affairs.
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191
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+
%
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192
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Expect a letter from a friend who will ask a favor of you.
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193
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+
%
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194
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Expect the worst, it's the least you can do.
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195
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%
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196
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Fine day for friends.
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197
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So-so day for you.
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198
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+
%
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199
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Fine day to work off excess energy. Steal something heavy.
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200
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+
%
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201
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Fortune: You will be attacked next Wednesday at 3:15 p.m. by six samurai
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sword wielding purple fish glued to Harley-Davidson motorcycles.
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Oh, and have a nice day!
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-- Bryce Nesbitt '84
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%
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207
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Future looks spotty. You will spill soup in late evening.
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208
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%
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209
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Generosity and perfection are your everlasting goals.
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210
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%
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211
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Give him an evasive answer.
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212
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Give thought to your reputation. Consider changing name and moving to
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a new town.
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214
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%
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215
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Give your very best today. Heaven knows it's little enough.
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216
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%
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217
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Go to a movie tonight. Darkness becomes you.
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218
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%
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219
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Good day for a change of scene. Repaper the bedroom wall.
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220
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%
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221
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Good day for overcoming obstacles. Try a steeplechase.
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%
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223
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Good day to deal with people in high places; particularly lonely stewardesses.
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224
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%
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225
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Good day to let down old friends who need help.
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226
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%
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227
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%
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228
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Good news from afar can bring you a welcome visitor.
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229
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%
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230
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Good news. Ten weeks from Friday will be a pretty good day.
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231
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%
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232
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Good night to spend with family, but avoid arguments with your mate's
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new lover.
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234
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%
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235
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Green light in A.M. for new projects. Red light in P.M. for traffic tickets.
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236
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%
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237
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Hope that the day after you die is a nice day.
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238
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%
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239
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If you can read this, you're too close.
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240
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%
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241
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If you learn one useless thing every day, in a single year you'll learn
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365 useless things.
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243
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%
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244
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If you sow your wild oats, hope for a crop failure.
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245
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%
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246
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If you stand on your head, you will get footprints in your hair.
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247
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%
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248
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If you think last Tuesday was a drag, wait till you see what happens tomorrow!
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249
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+
%
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250
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+
If your life was a horse, you'd have to shoot it.
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251
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%
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252
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In the stairway of life, you'd best take the elevator.
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253
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%
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254
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Increased knowledge will help you now. Have mate's phone bugged.
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255
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+
%
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256
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Is that really YOU that is reading this?
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257
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+
%
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258
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Is this really happening?
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259
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%
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260
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It is so very hard to be an
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261
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on-your-own-take-care-of-yourself-because-there-is-no-one-else-to-do-it-for-you
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262
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grown-up.
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263
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%
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264
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It may or may not be worthwhile, but it still has to be done.
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265
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%
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266
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It was all so different before everything changed.
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267
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+
%
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268
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It's a very *__UN*lucky week in which to be took dead.
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269
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-- Churchy La Femme
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270
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+
%
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271
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It's all in the mind, ya know.
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272
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+
%
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273
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It's lucky you're going so slowly, because you're going in the wrong direction.
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274
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%
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275
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+
Just because the message may never be received does not mean it is
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276
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not worth sending.
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277
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%
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278
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Just to have it is enough.
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279
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+
%
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280
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Keep emotionally active. Cater to your favorite neurosis.
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281
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%
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282
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Keep it short for pithy sake.
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283
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%
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284
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Lady Luck brings added income today. Lady friend takes it away tonight.
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285
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%
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286
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+
Learn to pause -- or nothing worthwhile can catch up to you.
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287
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+
%
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288
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+
Let me put it this way: today is going to be a learning experience.
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289
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+
%
|
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290
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+
Life is to you a dashing and bold adventure.
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291
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+
%
|
|
292
|
+
"Life, loathe it or ignore it, you can't like it."
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293
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+
-- Marvin, "Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy"
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294
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+
%
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|
295
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+
Live in a world of your own, but always welcome visitors.
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296
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+
%
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297
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+
Living your life is a task so difficult, it has never been attempted before.
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298
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+
%
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|
299
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+
Long life is in store for you.
|
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300
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+
%
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301
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Look afar and see the end from the beginning.
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302
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%
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303
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Love is in the offing. Be affectionate to one who adores you.
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304
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%
|
|
305
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Make a wish, it might come true.
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306
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%
|
|
307
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Many changes of mind and mood; do not hesitate too long.
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308
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%
|
|
309
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+
Never be led astray onto the path of virtue.
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310
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%
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311
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Never commit yourself! Let someone else commit you.
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312
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%
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313
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Never give an inch!
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314
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%
|
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315
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Never look up when dragons fly overhead.
|
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316
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+
%
|
|
317
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Never reveal your best argument.
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318
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%
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319
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Next Friday will not be your lucky day. As a matter of fact, you don't
|
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320
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+
have a lucky day this year.
|
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321
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+
%
|
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322
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Of course you have a purpose -- to find a purpose.
|
|
323
|
+
%
|
|
324
|
+
People are beginning to notice you. Try dressing before you leave the house.
|
|
325
|
+
%
|
|
326
|
+
Perfect day for scrubbing the floor and other exciting things.
|
|
327
|
+
%
|
|
328
|
+
Questionable day.
|
|
329
|
+
|
|
330
|
+
Ask somebody something.
|
|
331
|
+
%
|
|
332
|
+
Reply hazy, ask again later.
|
|
333
|
+
%
|
|
334
|
+
Save energy: be apathetic.
|
|
335
|
+
%
|
|
336
|
+
Ships are safe in harbor, but they were never meant to stay there.
|
|
337
|
+
%
|
|
338
|
+
Slow day. Practice crawling.
|
|
339
|
+
%
|
|
340
|
+
Snow Day -- stay home.
|
|
341
|
+
%
|
|
342
|
+
So this is it. We're going to die.
|
|
343
|
+
%
|
|
344
|
+
So you're back... about time...
|
|
345
|
+
%
|
|
346
|
+
Someone is speaking well of you.
|
|
347
|
+
%
|
|
348
|
+
Someone is speaking well of you.
|
|
349
|
+
|
|
350
|
+
How unusual!
|
|
351
|
+
%
|
|
352
|
+
Someone whom you reject today, will reject you tomorrow.
|
|
353
|
+
%
|
|
354
|
+
Stay away from flying saucers today.
|
|
355
|
+
%
|
|
356
|
+
Stay away from hurricanes for a while.
|
|
357
|
+
%
|
|
358
|
+
Stay the curse.
|
|
359
|
+
%
|
|
360
|
+
That secret you've been guarding, isn't.
|
|
361
|
+
%
|
|
362
|
+
The time is right to make new friends.
|
|
363
|
+
%
|
|
364
|
+
The whole world is a tuxedo and you are a pair of brown shoes.
|
|
365
|
+
-- George Gobel
|
|
366
|
+
%
|
|
367
|
+
There is a 20% chance of tomorrow.
|
|
368
|
+
%
|
|
369
|
+
There is a fly on your nose.
|
|
370
|
+
%
|
|
371
|
+
There was a phone call for you.
|
|
372
|
+
%
|
|
373
|
+
There will be big changes for you but you will be happy.
|
|
374
|
+
%
|
|
375
|
+
Things will be bright in P.M. A cop will shine a light in your face.
|
|
376
|
+
%
|
|
377
|
+
Think twice before speaking, but don't say "think think click click".
|
|
378
|
+
%
|
|
379
|
+
This life is yours. Some of it was given to you; the rest, you made yourself.
|
|
380
|
+
%
|
|
381
|
+
This will be a memorable month -- no matter how hard you try to forget it.
|
|
382
|
+
%
|
|
383
|
+
Time to be aggressive. Go after a tattooed Virgo.
|
|
384
|
+
%
|
|
385
|
+
Today is National Existential Ennui Awareness Day.
|
|
386
|
+
%
|
|
387
|
+
Today is the first day of the rest of the mess.
|
|
388
|
+
%
|
|
389
|
+
Today is the first day of the rest of your life.
|
|
390
|
+
%
|
|
391
|
+
Today is the last day of your life so far.
|
|
392
|
+
%
|
|
393
|
+
Today is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday.
|
|
394
|
+
%
|
|
395
|
+
Today is what happened to yesterday.
|
|
396
|
+
%
|
|
397
|
+
Today's weirdness is tomorrow's reason why.
|
|
398
|
+
-- Hunter S. Thompson
|
|
399
|
+
%
|
|
400
|
+
Tomorrow will be cancelled due to lack of interest.
|
|
401
|
+
%
|
|
402
|
+
Tomorrow, this will be part of the unchangeable past but fortunately,
|
|
403
|
+
it can still be changed today.
|
|
404
|
+
%
|
|
405
|
+
Tomorrow, you can be anywhere.
|
|
406
|
+
%
|
|
407
|
+
Tonight you will pay the wages of sin; Don't forget to leave a tip.
|
|
408
|
+
%
|
|
409
|
+
Tonight's the night: Sleep in a eucalyptus tree.
|
|
410
|
+
%
|
|
411
|
+
Troubled day for virgins over 16 who are beautiful and wealthy and live
|
|
412
|
+
in eucalyptus trees.
|
|
413
|
+
%
|
|
414
|
+
Truth will out this morning. (Which may really mess things up.)
|
|
415
|
+
%
|
|
416
|
+
Try the Moo Shu Pork. It is especially good today.
|
|
417
|
+
%
|
|
418
|
+
Try to get all of your posthumous medals in advance.
|
|
419
|
+
%
|
|
420
|
+
Try to have as good a life as you can under the circumstances.
|
|
421
|
+
%
|
|
422
|
+
Try to relax and enjoy the crisis.
|
|
423
|
+
-- Ashleigh Brilliant
|
|
424
|
+
%
|
|
425
|
+
Try to value useful qualities in one who loves you.
|
|
426
|
+
%
|
|
427
|
+
Tuesday After Lunch is the cosmic time of the week.
|
|
428
|
+
%
|
|
429
|
+
Tuesday is the Wednesday of the rest of your life.
|
|
430
|
+
%
|
|
431
|
+
What happened last night can happen again.
|
|
432
|
+
%
|
|
433
|
+
While you recently had your problems on the run, they've regrouped and
|
|
434
|
+
are making another attack.
|
|
435
|
+
%
|
|
436
|
+
Write yourself a threatening letter and pen a defiant reply.
|
|
437
|
+
%
|
|
438
|
+
You are a bundle of energy, always on the go.
|
|
439
|
+
%
|
|
440
|
+
You are a fluke of the universe; you have no right to be here.
|
|
441
|
+
%
|
|
442
|
+
You are a very redundant person, that's what kind of person you are.
|
|
443
|
+
%
|
|
444
|
+
You are always busy.
|
|
445
|
+
%
|
|
446
|
+
You are as I am with You.
|
|
447
|
+
%
|
|
448
|
+
You are capable of planning your future.
|
|
449
|
+
%
|
|
450
|
+
You are confused; but this is your normal state.
|
|
451
|
+
%
|
|
452
|
+
You are deeply attached to your friends and acquaintances.
|
|
453
|
+
%
|
|
454
|
+
You are destined to become the commandant of the fighting men of the
|
|
455
|
+
department of transportation.
|
|
456
|
+
%
|
|
457
|
+
You are dishonest, but never to the point of hurting a friend.
|
|
458
|
+
%
|
|
459
|
+
You are fairminded, just and loving.
|
|
460
|
+
%
|
|
461
|
+
You are farsighted, a good planner, an ardent lover, and a faithful friend.
|
|
462
|
+
%
|
|
463
|
+
You are fighting for survival in your own sweet and gentle way.
|
|
464
|
+
%
|
|
465
|
+
You are going to have a new love affair.
|
|
466
|
+
%
|
|
467
|
+
You are magnetic in your bearing.
|
|
468
|
+
%
|
|
469
|
+
You are not dead yet. But watch for further reports.
|
|
470
|
+
%
|
|
471
|
+
You are number 6! Who is number one?
|
|
472
|
+
%
|
|
473
|
+
You are only young once, but you can stay immature indefinitely.
|
|
474
|
+
%
|
|
475
|
+
You are scrupulously honest, frank, and straightforward. Therefore you
|
|
476
|
+
have few friends.
|
|
477
|
+
%
|
|
478
|
+
You are sick, twisted and perverted. I like that in a person.
|
|
479
|
+
%
|
|
480
|
+
You are so boring that when I see you my feet go to sleep.
|
|
481
|
+
%
|
|
482
|
+
You are standing on my toes.
|
|
483
|
+
%
|
|
484
|
+
You are taking yourself far too seriously.
|
|
485
|
+
%
|
|
486
|
+
You are the only person to ever get this message.
|
|
487
|
+
%
|
|
488
|
+
You are wise, witty, and wonderful, but you spend too much time reading
|
|
489
|
+
this sort of trash.
|
|
490
|
+
%
|
|
491
|
+
You attempt things that you do not even plan because of your extreme stupidity.
|
|
492
|
+
%
|
|
493
|
+
You can create your own opportunities this week. Blackmail a senior executive.
|
|
494
|
+
%
|
|
495
|
+
You can do very well in speculation where land or anything to do with dirt
|
|
496
|
+
is concerned.
|
|
497
|
+
%
|
|
498
|
+
You can rent this space for only $5 a week.
|
|
499
|
+
%
|
|
500
|
+
You could live a better life, if you had a better mind and a better body.
|
|
501
|
+
%
|
|
502
|
+
You definitely intend to start living sometime soon.
|
|
503
|
+
%
|
|
504
|
+
You dialed 5483.
|
|
505
|
+
%
|
|
506
|
+
You display the wonderful traits of charm and courtesy.
|
|
507
|
+
%
|
|
508
|
+
You don't become a failure until you're satisfied with being one.
|
|
509
|
+
%
|
|
510
|
+
You enjoy the company of other people.
|
|
511
|
+
%
|
|
512
|
+
You feel a whole lot more like you do now than you did when you used to.
|
|
513
|
+
%
|
|
514
|
+
You fill a much-needed gap.
|
|
515
|
+
%
|
|
516
|
+
You get along very well with everyone except animals and people.
|
|
517
|
+
%
|
|
518
|
+
You had some happiness once, but your parents moved away, and you had to
|
|
519
|
+
leave it behind.
|
|
520
|
+
%
|
|
521
|
+
You have a deep appreciation of the arts and music.
|
|
522
|
+
%
|
|
523
|
+
You have a deep interest in all that is artistic.
|
|
524
|
+
%
|
|
525
|
+
You have a reputation for being thoroughly reliable and trustworthy.
|
|
526
|
+
A pity that it's totally undeserved.
|
|
527
|
+
%
|
|
528
|
+
You have a strong appeal for members of the opposite sex.
|
|
529
|
+
%
|
|
530
|
+
You have a strong appeal for members of your own sex.
|
|
531
|
+
%
|
|
532
|
+
You have a strong desire for a home and your family interests come first.
|
|
533
|
+
%
|
|
534
|
+
You have a truly strong individuality.
|
|
535
|
+
%
|
|
536
|
+
You have a will that can be influenced by all with whom you come in contact.
|
|
537
|
+
%
|
|
538
|
+
You have an ability to sense and know higher truth.
|
|
539
|
+
%
|
|
540
|
+
You have an ambitious nature and may make a name for yourself.
|
|
541
|
+
%
|
|
542
|
+
You have an unusual equipment for success. Be sure to use it properly.
|
|
543
|
+
%
|
|
544
|
+
You have an unusual magnetic personality. Don't walk too close to
|
|
545
|
+
metal objects which are not fastened down.
|
|
546
|
+
%
|
|
547
|
+
You have an unusual understanding of the problems of human relationships.
|
|
548
|
+
%
|
|
549
|
+
You have been selected for a secret mission.
|
|
550
|
+
%
|
|
551
|
+
You have Egyptian flu: you're going to be a mummy.
|
|
552
|
+
%
|
|
553
|
+
You have had a long-term stimulation relative to business.
|
|
554
|
+
%
|
|
555
|
+
You have literary talent that you should take pains to develop.
|
|
556
|
+
%
|
|
557
|
+
You have many friends and very few living enemies.
|
|
558
|
+
%
|
|
559
|
+
You have no real enemies.
|
|
560
|
+
%
|
|
561
|
+
You have taken yourself too seriously.
|
|
562
|
+
%
|
|
563
|
+
You have the body of a 19 year old. Please return it before it gets wrinkled.
|
|
564
|
+
%
|
|
565
|
+
You have the capacity to learn from mistakes. You'll learn a lot today.
|
|
566
|
+
%
|
|
567
|
+
You have the power to influence all with whom you come in contact.
|
|
568
|
+
%
|
|
569
|
+
You learn to write as if to someone else because NEXT YEAR YOU WILL BE
|
|
570
|
+
"SOMEONE ELSE."
|
|
571
|
+
%
|
|
572
|
+
You like to form new friendships and make new acquaintances.
|
|
573
|
+
%
|
|
574
|
+
You look like a million dollars. All green and wrinkled.
|
|
575
|
+
%
|
|
576
|
+
You look tired.
|
|
577
|
+
%
|
|
578
|
+
You love peace.
|
|
579
|
+
%
|
|
580
|
+
You love your home and want it to be beautiful.
|
|
581
|
+
%
|
|
582
|
+
You may be gone tomorrow, but that doesn't mean that you weren't here today.
|
|
583
|
+
%
|
|
584
|
+
You may be infinitely smaller than some things, but you're infinitely
|
|
585
|
+
larger than others.
|
|
586
|
+
%
|
|
587
|
+
You may be recognized soon. Hide.
|
|
588
|
+
%
|
|
589
|
+
You may get an opportunity for advancement today. Watch it!
|
|
590
|
+
%
|
|
591
|
+
You may worry about your hair-do today, but tomorrow much peanut butter will
|
|
592
|
+
be sold.
|
|
593
|
+
%
|
|
594
|
+
You need more time; and you probably always will.
|
|
595
|
+
%
|
|
596
|
+
You need no longer worry about the future. This time tomorrow you'll be dead.
|
|
597
|
+
%
|
|
598
|
+
You never hesitate to tackle the most difficult problems.
|
|
599
|
+
%
|
|
600
|
+
You never know how many friends you have until you rent a house on the beach.
|
|
601
|
+
%
|
|
602
|
+
You now have Asian Flu.
|
|
603
|
+
%
|
|
604
|
+
You own a dog, but you can only feed a cat.
|
|
605
|
+
%
|
|
606
|
+
You plan things that you do not even attempt because of your extreme caution.
|
|
607
|
+
%
|
|
608
|
+
You possess a mind not merely twisted, but actually sprained.
|
|
609
|
+
%
|
|
610
|
+
You prefer the company of the opposite sex, but are well liked by your own.
|
|
611
|
+
%
|
|
612
|
+
You recoil from the crude; you tend naturally toward the exquisite.
|
|
613
|
+
%
|
|
614
|
+
You seek to shield those you love and you like the role of the provider.
|
|
615
|
+
%
|
|
616
|
+
You shall be rewarded for a dastardly deed.
|
|
617
|
+
%
|
|
618
|
+
You should emulate your heros, but don't carry it too far. Especially
|
|
619
|
+
if they are dead.
|
|
620
|
+
%
|
|
621
|
+
You should go home.
|
|
622
|
+
%
|
|
623
|
+
You single-handedly fought your way into this hopeless mess.
|
|
624
|
+
%
|
|
625
|
+
You teach best what you most need to learn.
|
|
626
|
+
%
|
|
627
|
+
You too can wear a nose mitten.
|
|
628
|
+
%
|
|
629
|
+
You two ought to be more careful--your love could drag on for years and years.
|
|
630
|
+
%
|
|
631
|
+
You will always get the greatest recognition for the job you least like.
|
|
632
|
+
%
|
|
633
|
+
You will always have good luck in your personal affairs.
|
|
634
|
+
%
|
|
635
|
+
You will attract cultured and artistic people to your home.
|
|
636
|
+
%
|
|
637
|
+
You will be a winner today. Pick a fight with a four-year-old.
|
|
638
|
+
%
|
|
639
|
+
You will be advanced socially, without any special effort on your part.
|
|
640
|
+
%
|
|
641
|
+
You will be aided greatly by a person whom you thought to be unimportant.
|
|
642
|
+
%
|
|
643
|
+
You will be attacked by a beast who has the body of a wolf, the tail of
|
|
644
|
+
a lion, and the face of Donald Duck.
|
|
645
|
+
%
|
|
646
|
+
You will be audited by the Internal Revenue Service.
|
|
647
|
+
%
|
|
648
|
+
You will be awarded a medal for disregarding safety in saving someone.
|
|
649
|
+
%
|
|
650
|
+
You will be awarded some great honor.
|
|
651
|
+
%
|
|
652
|
+
You will be awarded the Nobel Peace Prize... posthumously.
|
|
653
|
+
%
|
|
654
|
+
You will be called upon to help a friend in trouble.
|
|
655
|
+
%
|
|
656
|
+
You will be divorced within a year.
|
|
657
|
+
%
|
|
658
|
+
You will be given a post of trust and responsibility.
|
|
659
|
+
%
|
|
660
|
+
You will be held hostage by a radical group.
|
|
661
|
+
%
|
|
662
|
+
You will be honored for contributing your time and skill to a worthy cause.
|
|
663
|
+
%
|
|
664
|
+
You will be imprisoned for contributing your time and skill to a bank robbery.
|
|
665
|
+
%
|
|
666
|
+
You will be married within a year, and divorced within two.
|
|
667
|
+
%
|
|
668
|
+
You will be married within a year.
|
|
669
|
+
%
|
|
670
|
+
You will be misunderstood by everyone.
|
|
671
|
+
%
|
|
672
|
+
You will be recognized and honored as a community leader.
|
|
673
|
+
%
|
|
674
|
+
You will be reincarnated as a toad; and you will be much happier.
|
|
675
|
+
%
|
|
676
|
+
You will be run over by a beer truck.
|
|
677
|
+
%
|
|
678
|
+
You will be run over by a bus.
|
|
679
|
+
%
|
|
680
|
+
You will be singled out for promotion in your work.
|
|
681
|
+
%
|
|
682
|
+
You will be successful in love.
|
|
683
|
+
%
|
|
684
|
+
You will be surprised by a loud noise.
|
|
685
|
+
%
|
|
686
|
+
You will be surrounded by luxury.
|
|
687
|
+
%
|
|
688
|
+
You will be the last person to buy a Chrysler.
|
|
689
|
+
%
|
|
690
|
+
You will be the victim of a bizarre joke.
|
|
691
|
+
%
|
|
692
|
+
You will be Told about it Tomorrow. Go Home and Prepare Thyself.
|
|
693
|
+
%
|
|
694
|
+
You will be traveling and coming into a fortune.
|
|
695
|
+
%
|
|
696
|
+
You will be winged by an anti-aircraft battery.
|
|
697
|
+
%
|
|
698
|
+
You will become rich and famous unless you don't.
|
|
699
|
+
%
|
|
700
|
+
You will contract a rare disease.
|
|
701
|
+
%
|
|
702
|
+
You will engage in a profitable business activity.
|
|
703
|
+
%
|
|
704
|
+
You will experience a strong urge to do good; but it will pass.
|
|
705
|
+
%
|
|
706
|
+
You will feel hungry again in another hour.
|
|
707
|
+
%
|
|
708
|
+
You will forget that you ever knew me.
|
|
709
|
+
%
|
|
710
|
+
You will gain money by a fattening action.
|
|
711
|
+
%
|
|
712
|
+
You will gain money by a speculation or lottery.
|
|
713
|
+
%
|
|
714
|
+
You will gain money by an illegal action.
|
|
715
|
+
%
|
|
716
|
+
You will gain money by an immoral action.
|
|
717
|
+
%
|
|
718
|
+
You will get what you deserve.
|
|
719
|
+
%
|
|
720
|
+
You will give someone a piece of your mind, which you can ill afford.
|
|
721
|
+
%
|
|
722
|
+
You will have a long and boring life.
|
|
723
|
+
%
|
|
724
|
+
You will have a long and unpleasant discussion with your supervisor.
|
|
725
|
+
%
|
|
726
|
+
You will have domestic happiness and faithful friends.
|
|
727
|
+
%
|
|
728
|
+
You will have good luck and overcome many hardships.
|
|
729
|
+
%
|
|
730
|
+
You will have long and healthy life.
|
|
731
|
+
%
|
|
732
|
+
You will hear good news from one you thought unfriendly to you.
|
|
733
|
+
%
|
|
734
|
+
You will inherit millions of dollars.
|
|
735
|
+
%
|
|
736
|
+
You will inherit some money or a small piece of land.
|
|
737
|
+
%
|
|
738
|
+
You will live a long, healthy, happy life and make bags of money.
|
|
739
|
+
%
|
|
740
|
+
You will live to see your grandchildren.
|
|
741
|
+
%
|
|
742
|
+
You will lose your present job and have to become a door to door mayonnaise
|
|
743
|
+
salesman.
|
|
744
|
+
%
|
|
745
|
+
You will meet an important person who will help you advance professionally.
|
|
746
|
+
%
|
|
747
|
+
You will never know hunger.
|
|
748
|
+
%
|
|
749
|
+
You will not be elected to public office this year.
|
|
750
|
+
%
|
|
751
|
+
You will obey or molten silver will be poured into your ears.
|
|
752
|
+
%
|
|
753
|
+
You will outgrow your usefulness.
|
|
754
|
+
%
|
|
755
|
+
You will overcome the attacks of jealous associates.
|
|
756
|
+
%
|
|
757
|
+
You will pass away very quickly.
|
|
758
|
+
%
|
|
759
|
+
You will pay for your sins. If you have already paid, please disregard
|
|
760
|
+
this message.
|
|
761
|
+
%
|
|
762
|
+
You will pioneer the first Martian colony.
|
|
763
|
+
%
|
|
764
|
+
You will probably marry after a very brief courtship.
|
|
765
|
+
%
|
|
766
|
+
You will reach the highest possible point in your business or profession.
|
|
767
|
+
%
|
|
768
|
+
You will receive a legacy which will place you above want.
|
|
769
|
+
%
|
|
770
|
+
You will remember something that you should not have forgotten.
|
|
771
|
+
%
|
|
772
|
+
You will soon forget this.
|
|
773
|
+
%
|
|
774
|
+
You will soon meet a person who will play an important role in your life.
|
|
775
|
+
%
|
|
776
|
+
You will step on the night soil of many countries.
|
|
777
|
+
%
|
|
778
|
+
You will stop at nothing to reach your objective, but only because your
|
|
779
|
+
brakes are defective.
|
|
780
|
+
%
|
|
781
|
+
You will triumph over your enemy.
|
|
782
|
+
%
|
|
783
|
+
You will visit the Dung Pits of Glive soon.
|
|
784
|
+
%
|
|
785
|
+
You will win success in whatever calling you adopt.
|
|
786
|
+
%
|
|
787
|
+
You will wish you hadn't.
|
|
788
|
+
%
|
|
789
|
+
You work very hard. Don't try to think as well.
|
|
790
|
+
%
|
|
791
|
+
You worry too much about your job. Stop it. You are not paid enough to worry.
|
|
792
|
+
%
|
|
793
|
+
You would if you could but you can't so you won't.
|
|
794
|
+
%
|
|
795
|
+
You'd like to do it instantaneously, but that's too slow.
|
|
796
|
+
%
|
|
797
|
+
You'll be called to a post requiring ability in handling groups of people.
|
|
798
|
+
%
|
|
799
|
+
You'll be sorry...
|
|
800
|
+
%
|
|
801
|
+
You'll feel devilish tonight. Toss dynamite caps under a flamenco dancer's
|
|
802
|
+
heel.
|
|
803
|
+
%
|
|
804
|
+
You'll feel much better once you've given up hope.
|
|
805
|
+
%
|
|
806
|
+
You'll never be the man your mother was!
|
|
807
|
+
%
|
|
808
|
+
You'll never see all the places, or read all the books, but fortunately,
|
|
809
|
+
they're not all recommended.
|
|
810
|
+
%
|
|
811
|
+
You'll wish that you had done some of the hard things when they were easier
|
|
812
|
+
to do.
|
|
813
|
+
%
|
|
814
|
+
You're a card which will have to be dealt with.
|
|
815
|
+
%
|
|
816
|
+
You're almost as happy as you think you are.
|
|
817
|
+
%
|
|
818
|
+
You're at the end of the road again.
|
|
819
|
+
%
|
|
820
|
+
You're being followed. Cut out the hanky-panky for a few days.
|
|
821
|
+
%
|
|
822
|
+
You're currently going through a difficult transition period called "Life."
|
|
823
|
+
%
|
|
824
|
+
You're definitely on their list. The question to ask next is what list it is.
|
|
825
|
+
%
|
|
826
|
+
You're growing out of some of your problems, but there are others that
|
|
827
|
+
you're growing into.
|
|
828
|
+
%
|
|
829
|
+
You're not my type. For that matter, you're not even my species!!!
|
|
830
|
+
%
|
|
831
|
+
You're ugly and your mother dresses you funny.
|
|
832
|
+
%
|
|
833
|
+
You're working under a slight handicap. You happen to be human.
|
|
834
|
+
%
|
|
835
|
+
You've been leading a dog's life. Stay off the furniture.
|
|
836
|
+
%
|
|
837
|
+
Your aim is high and to the right.
|
|
838
|
+
%
|
|
839
|
+
Your aims are high, and you are capable of much.
|
|
840
|
+
%
|
|
841
|
+
Your analyst has you mixed up with another patient. Don't believe a
|
|
842
|
+
thing he tells you.
|
|
843
|
+
%
|
|
844
|
+
Your best consolation is the hope that the things you failed to get weren't
|
|
845
|
+
really worth having.
|
|
846
|
+
%
|
|
847
|
+
Your boss climbed the corporate ladder, wrong by wrong.
|
|
848
|
+
%
|
|
849
|
+
Your boss is a few sandwiches short of a picnic.
|
|
850
|
+
%
|
|
851
|
+
Your boyfriend takes chocolate from strangers.
|
|
852
|
+
%
|
|
853
|
+
Your business will assume vast proportions.
|
|
854
|
+
%
|
|
855
|
+
Your business will go through a period of considerable expansion.
|
|
856
|
+
%
|
|
857
|
+
Your depth of comprehension may tend to make you lax in worldly ways.
|
|
858
|
+
%
|
|
859
|
+
Your domestic life may be harmonious.
|
|
860
|
+
%
|
|
861
|
+
Your fly might be open (but don't check it just now).
|
|
862
|
+
%
|
|
863
|
+
Your goose is cooked.
|
|
864
|
+
(Your current chick is burned up too!)
|
|
865
|
+
%
|
|
866
|
+
Your heart is pure, and your mind clear, and your soul devout.
|
|
867
|
+
%
|
|
868
|
+
Your ignorance cramps my conversation.
|
|
869
|
+
%
|
|
870
|
+
Your life would be very empty if you had nothing to regret.
|
|
871
|
+
%
|
|
872
|
+
Your love life will be happy and harmonious.
|
|
873
|
+
%
|
|
874
|
+
Your love life will be... interesting.
|
|
875
|
+
%
|
|
876
|
+
Your lover will never wish to leave you.
|
|
877
|
+
%
|
|
878
|
+
Your lucky color has faded.
|
|
879
|
+
%
|
|
880
|
+
Your lucky number has been disconnected.
|
|
881
|
+
%
|
|
882
|
+
Your lucky number is 3552664958674928. Watch for it everywhere.
|
|
883
|
+
%
|
|
884
|
+
Your mode of life will be changed for the better because of good news soon.
|
|
885
|
+
%
|
|
886
|
+
Your mode of life will be changed for the better because of new developments.
|
|
887
|
+
%
|
|
888
|
+
Your motives for doing whatever good deed you may have in mind will be
|
|
889
|
+
misinterpreted by somebody.
|
|
890
|
+
%
|
|
891
|
+
Your nature demands love and your happiness depends on it.
|
|
892
|
+
%
|
|
893
|
+
Your object is to save the world, while still leading a pleasant life.
|
|
894
|
+
%
|
|
895
|
+
Your own qualities will help prevent your advancement in the world.
|
|
896
|
+
%
|
|
897
|
+
Your present plans will be successful.
|
|
898
|
+
%
|
|
899
|
+
Your reasoning is excellent -- it's only your basic assumptions that are wrong.
|
|
900
|
+
%
|
|
901
|
+
Your reasoning powers are good, and you are a fairly good planner.
|
|
902
|
+
%
|
|
903
|
+
Your sister swims out to meet troop ships.
|
|
904
|
+
%
|
|
905
|
+
Your society will be sought by people of taste and refinement.
|
|
906
|
+
%
|
|
907
|
+
Your step will soil many countries.
|
|
908
|
+
%
|
|
909
|
+
Your supervisor is thinking about you.
|
|
910
|
+
%
|
|
911
|
+
Your talents will be recognized and suitably rewarded.
|
|
912
|
+
%
|
|
913
|
+
Your temporary financial embarrassment will be relieved in a surprising manner.
|
|
914
|
+
%
|
|
915
|
+
Your true value depends entirely on what you are compared with.
|
|
916
|
+
%
|
|
917
|
+
A banker is a fellow who lends you his umbrella when the sun is shining
|
|
918
|
+
and wants it back the minute it begins to rain.
|
|
919
|
+
-- Mark Twain
|
|
920
|
+
%
|
|
921
|
+
A classic is something that everyone wants to have read
|
|
922
|
+
and nobody wants to read.
|
|
923
|
+
-- Mark Twain, "The Disappearance of Literature"
|
|
924
|
+
%
|
|
925
|
+
A horse! A horse! My kingdom for a horse!
|
|
926
|
+
-- Wm. Shakespeare, "Richard III"
|
|
927
|
+
%
|
|
928
|
+
A hundred years from now it is very likely that [of Twain's works] "The
|
|
929
|
+
Jumping Frog" alone will be remembered.
|
|
930
|
+
-- Harry Thurston Peck (Editor of "The Bookman"), January 1901.
|
|
931
|
+
%
|
|
932
|
+
A is for Apple.
|
|
933
|
+
-- Hester Pryne
|
|
934
|
+
%
|
|
935
|
+
A kind of Batman of contemporary letters.
|
|
936
|
+
-- Philip Larkin on Anthony Burgess
|
|
937
|
+
%
|
|
938
|
+
A light wife doth make a heavy husband.
|
|
939
|
+
-- Wm. Shakespeare, "The Merchant of Venice"
|
|
940
|
+
%
|
|
941
|
+
A man was reading The Canterbury Tales one Saturday morning, when his
|
|
942
|
+
wife asked "What have you got there?" Replied he, "Just my cup and Chaucer."
|
|
943
|
+
%
|
|
944
|
+
... A solemn, unsmiling, sanctimonious old iceberg who looked like he
|
|
945
|
+
was waiting for a vacancy in the Trinity.
|
|
946
|
+
-- Mark Twain
|
|
947
|
+
%
|
|
948
|
+
A Tale of Two Cities LITE(tm)
|
|
949
|
+
-- by Charles Dickens
|
|
950
|
+
|
|
951
|
+
A lawyer who looks like a French Nobleman is executed in his place.
|
|
952
|
+
|
|
953
|
+
The Metamorphosis LITE(tm)
|
|
954
|
+
-- by Franz Kafka
|
|
955
|
+
|
|
956
|
+
A man turns into a bug and his family gets annoyed.
|
|
957
|
+
|
|
958
|
+
Lord of the Rings LITE(tm)
|
|
959
|
+
-- by J. R. R. Tolkien
|
|
960
|
+
|
|
961
|
+
Some guys take a long vacation to throw a ring into a volcano.
|
|
962
|
+
|
|
963
|
+
Hamlet LITE(tm)
|
|
964
|
+
-- by Wm. Shakespeare
|
|
965
|
+
|
|
966
|
+
A college student on vacation with family problems, a screwy
|
|
967
|
+
girl-friend and a mother who won't act her age.
|
|
968
|
+
%
|
|
969
|
+
A Tale of Two Cities LITE(tm)
|
|
970
|
+
-- by Charles Dickens
|
|
971
|
+
|
|
972
|
+
A man in love with a girl who loves another man who looks just
|
|
973
|
+
like him has his head chopped off in France because of a mean
|
|
974
|
+
lady who knits.
|
|
975
|
+
|
|
976
|
+
Crime and Punishment LITE(tm)
|
|
977
|
+
-- by Fyodor Dostoevski
|
|
978
|
+
|
|
979
|
+
A man sends a nasty letter to a pawnbroker, but later
|
|
980
|
+
feels guilty and apologizes.
|
|
981
|
+
|
|
982
|
+
The Odyssey LITE(tm)
|
|
983
|
+
-- by Homer
|
|
984
|
+
|
|
985
|
+
After working late, a valiant warrior gets lost on his way home.
|
|
986
|
+
%
|
|
987
|
+
After all, all he did was string together a lot of old, well-known quotations.
|
|
988
|
+
-- H. L. Mencken, on Shakespeare
|
|
989
|
+
%
|
|
990
|
+
Alas, how love can trifle with itself!
|
|
991
|
+
-- William Shakespeare, "The Two Gentlemen of Verona"
|
|
992
|
+
%
|
|
993
|
+
All generalizations are false, including this one.
|
|
994
|
+
-- Mark Twain
|
|
995
|
+
%
|
|
996
|
+
All I know is what the words know, and dead things, and that
|
|
997
|
+
makes a handsome little sum, with a beginning and a middle and
|
|
998
|
+
an end, as in the well-built phrase and the long sonata of the dead.
|
|
999
|
+
-- Samuel Beckett
|
|
1000
|
+
%
|
|
1001
|
+
All say, "How hard it is that we have to die"--a strange complaint to come from
|
|
1002
|
+
the mouths of people who have had to live.
|
|
1003
|
+
-- Mark Twain, "Pudd'nhead Wilson's Calendar"
|
|
1004
|
+
%
|
|
1005
|
+
"... all the modern inconveniences ..."
|
|
1006
|
+
-- Mark Twain
|
|
1007
|
+
%
|
|
1008
|
+
All things that are, are with more spirit chased than enjoyed.
|
|
1009
|
+
-- Shakespeare, "Merchant of Venice"
|
|
1010
|
+
%
|
|
1011
|
+
Always do right. This will gratify some people and astonish the rest.
|
|
1012
|
+
-- Mark Twain
|
|
1013
|
+
%
|
|
1014
|
+
Always the dullness of the fool is the whetstone of the wits.
|
|
1015
|
+
-- William Shakespeare, "As You Like It"
|
|
1016
|
+
%
|
|
1017
|
+
"... an experienced, industrious, ambitious, and often quite often
|
|
1018
|
+
picturesque liar."
|
|
1019
|
+
-- Mark Twain
|
|
1020
|
+
%
|
|
1021
|
+
An honest tale speeds best being plainly told.
|
|
1022
|
+
-- William Shakespeare, "Henry VI"
|
|
1023
|
+
%
|
|
1024
|
+
And do you think (fop that I am) that I could be the Scarlet Pumpernickel?
|
|
1025
|
+
%
|
|
1026
|
+
Anyone who has had a bull by the tail knows five or six more things
|
|
1027
|
+
than someone who hasn't.
|
|
1028
|
+
-- Mark Twain
|
|
1029
|
+
%
|
|
1030
|
+
April 1
|
|
1031
|
+
|
|
1032
|
+
This is the day upon which we are reminded of what we are on the other three
|
|
1033
|
+
hundred and sixty-four.
|
|
1034
|
+
-- Mark Twain, "Pudd'nhead Wilson's Calendar"
|
|
1035
|
+
%
|
|
1036
|
+
As flies to wanton boys are we to the gods; they kill us for their sport.
|
|
1037
|
+
-- Shakespeare, "King Lear"
|
|
1038
|
+
%
|
|
1039
|
+
As to the Adjective: when in doubt, strike it out.
|
|
1040
|
+
-- Mark Twain, "Pudd'nhead Wilson's Calendar"
|
|
1041
|
+
%
|
|
1042
|
+
At once it struck me what quality went to form a man of achievement,
|
|
1043
|
+
especially in literature, and which Shakespeare possessed so enormously
|
|
1044
|
+
-- I mean negative capability, that is, when a man is capable of being
|
|
1045
|
+
in uncertainties, mysteries, doubts, without any irritable reaching
|
|
1046
|
+
after fact and reason.
|
|
1047
|
+
-- John Keats
|
|
1048
|
+
%
|
|
1049
|
+
AWAKE! FEAR! FIRE! FOES! AWAKE!
|
|
1050
|
+
FEAR! FIRE! FOES!
|
|
1051
|
+
AWAKE! AWAKE!
|
|
1052
|
+
-- J. R. R. Tolkien
|
|
1053
|
+
%
|
|
1054
|
+
Awash with unfocused desire, Everett twisted the lobe of his one remaining
|
|
1055
|
+
ear and felt the presence of somebody else behind him, which caused terror
|
|
1056
|
+
to push through his nervous system like a flash flood roaring down the
|
|
1057
|
+
mid-fork of the Feather River before the completion of the Oroville Dam
|
|
1058
|
+
in 1959.
|
|
1059
|
+
-- Grand Panjandrum's Special Award, 1984 Bulwer-Lytton
|
|
1060
|
+
bad fiction contest.
|
|
1061
|
+
%
|
|
1062
|
+
Be careful of reading health books, you might die of a misprint.
|
|
1063
|
+
-- Mark Twain
|
|
1064
|
+
%
|
|
1065
|
+
Behold, the fool saith, "Put not all thine eggs in the one basket"--which is
|
|
1066
|
+
but a manner of saying, "Scatter your money and your attention;" but the wise
|
|
1067
|
+
man saith, "Put all your eggs in the one basket and--WATCH THAT BASKET."
|
|
1068
|
+
-- Mark Twain, "Pudd'nhead Wilson's Calendar"
|
|
1069
|
+
%
|
|
1070
|
+
Big book, big bore.
|
|
1071
|
+
-- Callimachus
|
|
1072
|
+
%
|
|
1073
|
+
But, for my own part, it was Greek to me.
|
|
1074
|
+
-- William Shakespeare, "Julius Caesar"
|
|
1075
|
+
%
|
|
1076
|
+
By trying we can easily learn to endure adversity. Another man's, I mean.
|
|
1077
|
+
-- Mark Twain
|
|
1078
|
+
%
|
|
1079
|
+
Civilization is the limitless multiplication of unnecessary necessities.
|
|
1080
|
+
-- Mark Twain
|
|
1081
|
+
%
|
|
1082
|
+
Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society.
|
|
1083
|
+
-- Mark Twain
|
|
1084
|
+
%
|
|
1085
|
+
Condense soup, not books!
|
|
1086
|
+
%
|
|
1087
|
+
Conscience doth make cowards of us all.
|
|
1088
|
+
-- Shakespeare
|
|
1089
|
+
%
|
|
1090
|
+
Consider well the proportions of things. It is better to be a young June-bug
|
|
1091
|
+
than an old bird of paradise.
|
|
1092
|
+
-- Mark Twain, "Pudd'nhead Wilson's Calendar"
|
|
1093
|
+
%
|
|
1094
|
+
Courage is resistance to fear, mastery of fear--not absence of fear. Except a
|
|
1095
|
+
creature be part coward it is not a compliment to say it is brave; it is merely
|
|
1096
|
+
a loose misapplication of the word. Consider the flea!--incomparably the
|
|
1097
|
+
bravest of all the creatures of God, if ignorance of fear were courage.
|
|
1098
|
+
Whether you are asleep or awake he will attack you, caring nothing for the fact
|
|
1099
|
+
that in bulk and strength you are to him as are the massed armies of the earth
|
|
1100
|
+
to a sucking child; he lives both day and night and all days and nights in the
|
|
1101
|
+
very lap of peril and the immediate presence of death, and yet is no more
|
|
1102
|
+
afraid than is the man who walks the streets of a city that was threatened by
|
|
1103
|
+
an earthquake ten centuries before. When we speak of Clive, Nelson, and Putnam
|
|
1104
|
+
as men who "didn't know what fear was," we ought always to add the flea--and
|
|
1105
|
+
put him at the head of the procession.
|
|
1106
|
+
-- Mark Twain, "Pudd'nhead Wilson's Calendar"
|
|
1107
|
+
%
|
|
1108
|
+
Delay not, Caesar. Read it instantly.
|
|
1109
|
+
-- Shakespeare, "Julius Caesar" 3,1
|
|
1110
|
+
|
|
1111
|
+
Here is a letter, read it at your leisure.
|
|
1112
|
+
-- Shakespeare, "Merchant of Venice" 5,1
|
|
1113
|
+
|
|
1114
|
+
[Quoted in "VMS Internals and Data Structures", V4.4, when
|
|
1115
|
+
referring to I/O system services.]
|
|
1116
|
+
%
|
|
1117
|
+
Delores breezed along the surface of her life like a flat stone forever
|
|
1118
|
+
skipping along smooth water, rippling reality sporadically but oblivious
|
|
1119
|
+
to it consistently, until she finally lost momentum, sank, and due to an
|
|
1120
|
+
overdose of flouride as a child which caused her to suffer from chronic
|
|
1121
|
+
apathy, doomed herself to lie forever on the floor of her life as useless
|
|
1122
|
+
as an appendix and as lonely as a five-hundred pound barbell in a
|
|
1123
|
+
steroid-free fitness center.
|
|
1124
|
+
-- Winning sentence, 1990 Bulwer-Lytton bad fiction contest.
|
|
1125
|
+
%
|
|
1126
|
+
Don't go around saying the world owes you a living. The world owes you
|
|
1127
|
+
nothing. It was here first.
|
|
1128
|
+
-- Mark Twain
|
|
1129
|
+
%
|
|
1130
|
+
"Elves and Dragons!" I says to him. "Cabbages and potatoes are better
|
|
1131
|
+
for you and me."
|
|
1132
|
+
-- J. R. R. Tolkien
|
|
1133
|
+
%
|
|
1134
|
+
English literature's performing flea.
|
|
1135
|
+
-- Sean O'Casey on P. G. Wodehouse
|
|
1136
|
+
%
|
|
1137
|
+
Even the clearest and most perfect circumstantial evidence is likely to be at
|
|
1138
|
+
fault, after all, and therefore ought to be received with great caution. Take
|
|
1139
|
+
the case of any pencil, sharpened by any woman; if you have witnesses, you will
|
|
1140
|
+
find she did it with a knife; but if you take simply the aspect of the pencil,
|
|
1141
|
+
you will say that she did it with her teeth.
|
|
1142
|
+
-- Mark Twain, "Pudd'nhead Wilson's Calendar"
|
|
1143
|
+
%
|
|
1144
|
+
Every cloud engenders not a storm.
|
|
1145
|
+
-- William Shakespeare, "Henry VI"
|
|
1146
|
+
%
|
|
1147
|
+
Every why hath a wherefore.
|
|
1148
|
+
-- William Shakespeare, "A Comedy of Errors"
|
|
1149
|
+
%
|
|
1150
|
+
Extreme fear can neither fight nor fly.
|
|
1151
|
+
-- William Shakespeare, "The Rape of Lucrece"
|
|
1152
|
+
%
|
|
1153
|
+
F.S. Fitzgerald to Hemingway:
|
|
1154
|
+
"Ernest, the rich are different from us."
|
|
1155
|
+
Hemingway:
|
|
1156
|
+
"Yes. They have more money."
|
|
1157
|
+
%
|
|
1158
|
+
Fame is a vapor; popularity an accident; the only earthly certainty is
|
|
1159
|
+
oblivion.
|
|
1160
|
+
-- Mark Twain
|
|
1161
|
+
%
|
|
1162
|
+
Familiarity breeds contempt -- and children.
|
|
1163
|
+
-- Mark Twain
|
|
1164
|
+
%
|
|
1165
|
+
Few things are harder to put up with than the annoyance of a good example.
|
|
1166
|
+
-- "Mark Twain, Pudd'nhead Wilson's Calendar"
|
|
1167
|
+
%
|
|
1168
|
+
For a light heart lives long.
|
|
1169
|
+
-- Shakespeare, "Love's Labour's Lost"
|
|
1170
|
+
%
|
|
1171
|
+
For courage mounteth with occasion.
|
|
1172
|
+
-- William Shakespeare, "King John"
|
|
1173
|
+
%
|
|
1174
|
+
For the fashion of Minas Tirith was such that it was built on seven levels,
|
|
1175
|
+
each delved into a hill, and about each was set a wall, and in each wall
|
|
1176
|
+
was a gate.
|
|
1177
|
+
-- J.R.R. Tolkien, "The Return of the King"
|
|
1178
|
+
|
|
1179
|
+
[Quoted in "VMS Internals and Data Structures", V4.4, when
|
|
1180
|
+
referring to system overview.]
|
|
1181
|
+
|
|
1182
|
+
%
|
|
1183
|
+
For there are moments when one can neither think nor feel. And if one can
|
|
1184
|
+
neither think nor feel, she thought, where is one?
|
|
1185
|
+
-- Virginia Woolf, "To the Lighthouse"
|
|
1186
|
+
|
|
1187
|
+
[Quoted in "VMS Internals and Data Structures", V4.4, when
|
|
1188
|
+
referring to powerfail recovery.]
|
|
1189
|
+
%
|
|
1190
|
+
For years a secret shame destroyed my peace--
|
|
1191
|
+
I'd not read Eliot, Auden or MacNiece.
|
|
1192
|
+
But now I think a thought that brings me hope:
|
|
1193
|
+
Neither had Chaucer, Shakespeare, Milton, Pope.
|
|
1194
|
+
-- Justin Richardson.
|
|
1195
|
+
%
|
|
1196
|
+
Go not to the elves for counsel, for they will say both yes and no.
|
|
1197
|
+
-- J.R.R. Tolkien
|
|
1198
|
+
%
|
|
1199
|
+
Gone With The Wind LITE(tm)
|
|
1200
|
+
-- by Margaret Mitchell
|
|
1201
|
+
|
|
1202
|
+
A woman only likes men she can't have and the South gets trashed.
|
|
1203
|
+
|
|
1204
|
+
Gift of the Magi LITE(tm)
|
|
1205
|
+
-- by O. Henry
|
|
1206
|
+
|
|
1207
|
+
A husband and wife forget to register their gift preferences.
|
|
1208
|
+
|
|
1209
|
+
The Old Man and the Sea LITE(tm)
|
|
1210
|
+
-- by Ernest Hemingway
|
|
1211
|
+
|
|
1212
|
+
An old man goes fishing, but doesn't have much luck.
|
|
1213
|
+
%
|
|
1214
|
+
Gratitude and treachery are merely the two extremities of the same procession.
|
|
1215
|
+
You have seen all of it that is worth staying for when the band and the gaudy
|
|
1216
|
+
officials have gone by.
|
|
1217
|
+
-- Mark Twain, "Pudd'nhead Wilson's Calendar"
|
|
1218
|
+
%
|
|
1219
|
+
Grief can take care of itself; but to get the full value of a joy you must
|
|
1220
|
+
have somebody to divide it with.
|
|
1221
|
+
-- Mark Twain
|
|
1222
|
+
%
|
|
1223
|
+
Habit is habit, and not to be flung out of the window by any man, but coaxed
|
|
1224
|
+
down-stairs a step at a time.
|
|
1225
|
+
-- Mark Twain, "Pudd'nhead Wilson's Calendar
|
|
1226
|
+
%
|
|
1227
|
+
Hain't we got all the fools in town on our side? And hain't that a big
|
|
1228
|
+
enough majority in any town?
|
|
1229
|
+
-- Mark Twain, "Huckleberry Finn"
|
|
1230
|
+
%
|
|
1231
|
+
Harp not on that string.
|
|
1232
|
+
-- William Shakespeare, "Henry VI"
|
|
1233
|
+
%
|
|
1234
|
+
Have a place for everything and keep the thing somewhere else; this is not
|
|
1235
|
+
advice, it is merely custom.
|
|
1236
|
+
-- Mark Twain
|
|
1237
|
+
%
|
|
1238
|
+
Having nothing, nothing can he lose.
|
|
1239
|
+
-- William Shakespeare, "Henry VI"
|
|
1240
|
+
%
|
|
1241
|
+
He draweth out the thread of his verbosity finer than the staple of his
|
|
1242
|
+
argument.
|
|
1243
|
+
-- William Shakespeare, "Love's Labour's Lost"
|
|
1244
|
+
%
|
|
1245
|
+
He hath eaten me out of house and home.
|
|
1246
|
+
-- William Shakespeare, "Henry IV"
|
|
1247
|
+
%
|
|
1248
|
+
He is now rising from affluence to poverty.
|
|
1249
|
+
-- Mark Twain
|
|
1250
|
+
%
|
|
1251
|
+
He jests at scars who never felt a wound.
|
|
1252
|
+
-- Shakespeare, "Romeo and Juliet, II. 2"
|
|
1253
|
+
%
|
|
1254
|
+
He that breaks a thing to find out what it is has left the path of wisdom.
|
|
1255
|
+
-- J.R.R. Tolkien
|
|
1256
|
+
%
|
|
1257
|
+
He that is giddy thinks the world turns round.
|
|
1258
|
+
-- William Shakespeare, "The Taming of the Shrew"
|
|
1259
|
+
%
|
|
1260
|
+
He was part of my dream, of course -- but then I was part of his dream too.
|
|
1261
|
+
-- Lewis Carroll
|
|
1262
|
+
%
|
|
1263
|
+
Hell is empty and all the devils are here.
|
|
1264
|
+
-- Wm. Shakespeare, "The Tempest"
|
|
1265
|
+
%
|
|
1266
|
+
His followers called him Mahasamatman and said he was a god. He preferred
|
|
1267
|
+
to drop the Maha- and the -atman, however, and called himself Sam. He never
|
|
1268
|
+
claimed to be a god. But then, he never claimed not to be a god. Circum-
|
|
1269
|
+
stances being what they were, neither admission could be of any benefit.
|
|
1270
|
+
Silence, though, could. It was in the days of the rains that their prayers
|
|
1271
|
+
went up, not from the fingering of knotted prayer cords or the spinning of
|
|
1272
|
+
prayer wheels, but from the great pray-machine in the monastery of Ratri,
|
|
1273
|
+
goddess of the Night. The high-frequency prayers were directed upward through
|
|
1274
|
+
the atmosphere and out beyond it, passing into that golden cloud called the
|
|
1275
|
+
Bridge of the Gods, which circles the entire world, is seen as a bronze
|
|
1276
|
+
rainbow at night and is the place where the red sun becomes orange at midday.
|
|
1277
|
+
Some of the monks doubted the orthodoxy of this prayer technique...
|
|
1278
|
+
-- Roger Zelazny, "Lord of Light"
|
|
1279
|
+
%
|
|
1280
|
+
How apt the poor are to be proud.
|
|
1281
|
+
-- William Shakespeare, "Twelfth-Night"
|
|
1282
|
+
%
|
|
1283
|
+
I do desire we may be better strangers.
|
|
1284
|
+
-- William Shakespeare, "As You Like It"
|
|
1285
|
+
%
|
|
1286
|
+
I don't know half of you half as well as I should like; and I like less
|
|
1287
|
+
than half of you half as well as you deserve.
|
|
1288
|
+
-- J. R. R. Tolkien
|
|
1289
|
+
%
|
|
1290
|
+
I dote on his very absence.
|
|
1291
|
+
-- William Shakespeare, "The Merchant of Venice"
|
|
1292
|
+
%
|
|
1293
|
+
I fell asleep reading a dull book, and I dreamt that I was reading on,
|
|
1294
|
+
so I woke up from sheer boredom.
|
|
1295
|
+
%
|
|
1296
|
+
I have never let my schooling interfere with my education.
|
|
1297
|
+
-- Mark Twain
|
|
1298
|
+
%
|
|
1299
|
+
I must have a prodigious quantity of mind; it takes me as much as a
|
|
1300
|
+
week sometimes to make it up.
|
|
1301
|
+
-- Mark Twain, "The Innocents Abroad"
|
|
1302
|
+
%
|
|
1303
|
+
I reverently believe that the maker who made us all makes everything in New
|
|
1304
|
+
England, but the weather. I don't know who makes that, but I think it must be
|
|
1305
|
+
raw apprentices in the weather-clerks factory who experiment and learn how, in
|
|
1306
|
+
New England, for board and clothes, and then are promoted to make weather for
|
|
1307
|
+
countries that require a good article, and will take their custom elsewhere
|
|
1308
|
+
if they don't get it.
|
|
1309
|
+
-- Mark Twain
|
|
1310
|
+
%
|
|
1311
|
+
I think we are in Rats' Alley where the dead men lost their bones.
|
|
1312
|
+
-- T.S. Eliot
|
|
1313
|
+
%
|
|
1314
|
+
I was gratified to be able to answer promptly, and I did. I said I didn't know.
|
|
1315
|
+
-- Mark Twain
|
|
1316
|
+
%
|
|
1317
|
+
I will honour Christmas in my heart, and try to keep it all the year. I
|
|
1318
|
+
will live in the Past, the Present, and the Future. The Spirits of all
|
|
1319
|
+
Three shall strive within me. I will not shut out the lessons that they
|
|
1320
|
+
teach. Oh, tell me that I may sponge away the writing on this stone!
|
|
1321
|
+
-- Charles Dickens
|
|
1322
|
+
%
|
|
1323
|
+
"I wonder", he said to himself, "what's in a book while it's closed. Oh, I
|
|
1324
|
+
know it's full of letters printed on paper, but all the same, something must
|
|
1325
|
+
be happening, because as soon as I open it, there's a whole story with people
|
|
1326
|
+
I don't know yet and all kinds of adventures and battles."
|
|
1327
|
+
-- Bastian B. Bux
|
|
1328
|
+
%
|
|
1329
|
+
I'll burn my books.
|
|
1330
|
+
-- Christopher Marlowe
|
|
1331
|
+
%
|
|
1332
|
+
I've touch'd the highest point of all my greatness;
|
|
1333
|
+
And from that full meridian of my glory
|
|
1334
|
+
I haste now to my setting. I shall fall,
|
|
1335
|
+
Like a bright exhalation in the evening
|
|
1336
|
+
And no man see me more.
|
|
1337
|
+
-- Shakespeare
|
|
1338
|
+
%
|
|
1339
|
+
If more of us valued food and cheer and song above hoarded gold, it would
|
|
1340
|
+
be a merrier world.
|
|
1341
|
+
-- J.R.R. Tolkien
|
|
1342
|
+
%
|
|
1343
|
+
If one cannot enjoy reading a book over and over again, there is no use
|
|
1344
|
+
in reading it at all.
|
|
1345
|
+
-- Oscar Wilde
|
|
1346
|
+
%
|
|
1347
|
+
If two people love each other, there can be no happy end to it.
|
|
1348
|
+
-- Ernest Hemingway
|
|
1349
|
+
%
|
|
1350
|
+
If you laid all of our laws end to end, there would be no end.
|
|
1351
|
+
-- Mark Twain
|
|
1352
|
+
%
|
|
1353
|
+
If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he will not bite you.
|
|
1354
|
+
This is the principal difference between a dog and a man.
|
|
1355
|
+
-- Mark Twain, "Pudd'nhead Wilson's Calendar"
|
|
1356
|
+
%
|
|
1357
|
+
If you tell the truth you don't have to remember anything.
|
|
1358
|
+
-- Mark Twain
|
|
1359
|
+
%
|
|
1360
|
+
In a museum in Havana, there are two skulls of Christopher Columbus,
|
|
1361
|
+
"one when he was a boy and one when he was a man."
|
|
1362
|
+
-- Mark Twain
|
|
1363
|
+
%
|
|
1364
|
+
In India, "cold weather" is merely a conventional phrase and has come into
|
|
1365
|
+
use through the necessity of having some way to distinguish between weather
|
|
1366
|
+
which will melt a brass door-knob and weather which will only make it mushy.
|
|
1367
|
+
-- Mark Twain
|
|
1368
|
+
%
|
|
1369
|
+
In Marseilles they make half the toilet soap we consume in America, but
|
|
1370
|
+
the Marseillaise only have a vague theoretical idea of its use, which they
|
|
1371
|
+
have obtained from books of travel.
|
|
1372
|
+
-- Mark Twain
|
|
1373
|
+
%
|
|
1374
|
+
In the first place, God made idiots; this was for practice; then he made
|
|
1375
|
+
school boards.
|
|
1376
|
+
-- Mark Twain
|
|
1377
|
+
%
|
|
1378
|
+
In the plot, people came to the land; the land loved them; they worked and
|
|
1379
|
+
struggled and had lots of children. There was a Frenchman who talked funny
|
|
1380
|
+
and a greenhorn from England who was a fancy-pants but when it came to the
|
|
1381
|
+
crunch he was all courage. Those novels would make you retch.
|
|
1382
|
+
-- Canadian novelist Robertson Davies, on the generic Canadian
|
|
1383
|
+
novel.
|
|
1384
|
+
%
|
|
1385
|
+
In the space of one hundred and seventy-six years the Mississippi has
|
|
1386
|
+
shortened itself two hundred and forty-two miles. Therefore ... in the Old
|
|
1387
|
+
Silurian Period the Mississippi River was upward of one million three hundred
|
|
1388
|
+
thousand miles long ... seven hundred and forty-two years from now the
|
|
1389
|
+
Mississippi will be only a mile and three-quarters long. ... There is
|
|
1390
|
+
something fascinating about science. One gets such wholesome returns of
|
|
1391
|
+
conjecture out of such a trifling investment of fact.
|
|
1392
|
+
-- Mark Twain
|
|
1393
|
+
%
|
|
1394
|
+
In the Spring, I have counted 136 different kinds of weather inside of
|
|
1395
|
+
24 hours.
|
|
1396
|
+
-- Mark Twain, on New England weather
|
|
1397
|
+
%
|
|
1398
|
+
It has long been an axiom of mine that the little things are infinitely
|
|
1399
|
+
the most important.
|
|
1400
|
+
-- Sir Arthur Conan Doyle, "A Case of Identity"
|
|
1401
|
+
%
|
|
1402
|
+
It is a wise father that knows his own child.
|
|
1403
|
+
-- William Shakespeare, "The Merchant of Venice"
|
|
1404
|
+
%
|
|
1405
|
+
It is by the fortune of God that, in this country, we have three benefits:
|
|
1406
|
+
freedom of speech, freedom of thought, and the wisdom never to use either.
|
|
1407
|
+
-- Mark Twain
|
|
1408
|
+
%
|
|
1409
|
+
It is easy to find fault, if one has that disposition. There was once a man
|
|
1410
|
+
who, not being able to find any other fault with his coal, complained that
|
|
1411
|
+
there were too many prehistoric toads in it.
|
|
1412
|
+
-- Mark Twain, "Pudd'nhead Wilson's Calendar"
|
|
1413
|
+
%
|
|
1414
|
+
It is often the case that the man who can't tell a lie thinks he is the best
|
|
1415
|
+
judge of one.
|
|
1416
|
+
-- Mark Twain, "Pudd'nhead Wilson's Calendar"
|
|
1417
|
+
%
|
|
1418
|
+
It is right that he too should have his little chronicle, his memories,
|
|
1419
|
+
his reason, and be able to recognize the good in the bad, the bad in the
|
|
1420
|
+
worst, and so grow gently old all down the unchanging days and die one
|
|
1421
|
+
day like any other day, only shorter.
|
|
1422
|
+
-- Samuel Beckett, "Malone Dies"
|
|
1423
|
+
%
|
|
1424
|
+
It usually takes more than three weeks to prepare a good impromptu speech.
|
|
1425
|
+
-- Mark Twain
|
|
1426
|
+
%
|
|
1427
|
+
It were not best that we should all think alike; it is difference of opinion
|
|
1428
|
+
that makes horse-races.
|
|
1429
|
+
-- Mark Twain, "Pudd'nhead Wilson's Calendar"
|
|
1430
|
+
%
|
|
1431
|
+
Its name is Public Opinion. It is held in reverence. It settles everything.
|
|
1432
|
+
Some think it is the voice of God.
|
|
1433
|
+
-- Mark Twain
|
|
1434
|
+
%
|
|
1435
|
+
Kindness is a language which the deaf can hear and the blind can read.
|
|
1436
|
+
-- Mark Twain
|
|
1437
|
+
%
|
|
1438
|
+
Kiss me, Kate, we will be married o' Sunday.
|
|
1439
|
+
-- William Shakespeare, "The Taming of the Shrew"
|
|
1440
|
+
%
|
|
1441
|
+
Lay on, MacDuff, and curs'd be him who first cries, "Hold, enough!".
|
|
1442
|
+
-- Shakespeare
|
|
1443
|
+
%
|
|
1444
|
+
Let him choose out of my files, his projects to accomplish.
|
|
1445
|
+
-- Shakespeare, "Coriolanus"
|
|
1446
|
+
%
|
|
1447
|
+
Let me take you a button-hole lower.
|
|
1448
|
+
-- William Shakespeare, "Love's Labour's Lost"
|
|
1449
|
+
%
|
|
1450
|
+
Let us endeavor so to live that when we come to die even the undertaker will be
|
|
1451
|
+
sorry.
|
|
1452
|
+
-- Mark Twain, "Pudd'nhead Wilson's Calendar"
|
|
1453
|
+
%
|
|
1454
|
+
Like an expensive sports car, fine-tuned and well-built, Portia was sleek,
|
|
1455
|
+
shapely, and gorgeous, her red jumpsuit moulding her body, which was as warm
|
|
1456
|
+
as seatcovers in July, her hair as dark as new tires, her eyes flashing like
|
|
1457
|
+
bright hubcaps, and her lips as dewy as the beads of fresh rain on the hood;
|
|
1458
|
+
she was a woman driven -- fueled by a single accelerant -- and she needed a
|
|
1459
|
+
man, a man who wouldn't shift from his views, a man to steer her along the
|
|
1460
|
+
right road: a man like Alf Romeo.
|
|
1461
|
+
-- Rachel Sheeley, winner
|
|
1462
|
+
|
|
1463
|
+
The hair ball blocking the drain of the shower reminded Laura she would never
|
|
1464
|
+
see her little dog Pritzi again.
|
|
1465
|
+
-- Claudia Fields, runner-up
|
|
1466
|
+
|
|
1467
|
+
It could have been an organically based disturbance of the brain -- perhaps a
|
|
1468
|
+
tumor or a metabolic deficiency -- but after a thorough neurological exam it
|
|
1469
|
+
was determined that Byron was simply a jerk.
|
|
1470
|
+
-- Jeff Jahnke, runner-up
|
|
1471
|
+
|
|
1472
|
+
Winners in the 7th Annual Bulwer-Lytton Bad Writing Contest. The contest is
|
|
1473
|
+
named after the author of the immortal lines: "It was a dark and stormy
|
|
1474
|
+
night." The object of the contest is to write the opening sentence of the
|
|
1475
|
+
worst possible novel.
|
|
1476
|
+
%
|
|
1477
|
+
Lord, what fools these mortals be!
|
|
1478
|
+
-- William Shakespeare, "A Midsummer-Night's Dream"
|
|
1479
|
+
%
|
|
1480
|
+
Man is the only animal that blushes -- or needs to.
|
|
1481
|
+
-- Mark Twain
|
|
1482
|
+
%
|
|
1483
|
+
Many a writer seems to think he is never profound except when he can't
|
|
1484
|
+
understand his own meaning.
|
|
1485
|
+
-- George D. Prentice
|
|
1486
|
+
%
|
|
1487
|
+
Many enraged psychiatrists are inciting a weary butcher. The butcher is
|
|
1488
|
+
weary and tired because he has cut meat and steak and lamb for hours and
|
|
1489
|
+
weeks. He does not desire to chant about anything with raving psychiatrists,
|
|
1490
|
+
but he sings about his gingivectomist, he dreams about a single cosmologist,
|
|
1491
|
+
he thinks about his dog. The dog is named Herbert.
|
|
1492
|
+
-- Racter, "The Policeman's Beard is Half-Constructed"
|
|
1493
|
+
%
|
|
1494
|
+
Many pages make a thick book, except for pocket Bibles which are on very
|
|
1495
|
+
very thin paper.
|
|
1496
|
+
%
|
|
1497
|
+
Many pages make a thick book.
|
|
1498
|
+
%
|
|
1499
|
+
Mind! I don't mean to say that I know, of my own knowledge, what there is
|
|
1500
|
+
particularly dead about a door-nail. I might have been inclined, myself,
|
|
1501
|
+
to regard a coffin-nail as the deadest piece of ironmongery in the trade.
|
|
1502
|
+
But the wisdom of our ancestors is in the simile; and my unhallowed hands
|
|
1503
|
+
shall not disturb it, or the Country's done for. You will therefore permit
|
|
1504
|
+
me to repeat, emphatically, that Marley was as dead as a door-nail.
|
|
1505
|
+
-- Charles Dickens, "A Christmas Carol"
|
|
1506
|
+
%
|
|
1507
|
+
Must I hold a candle to my shames?
|
|
1508
|
+
-- William Shakespeare, "The Merchant of Venice"
|
|
1509
|
+
%
|
|
1510
|
+
My dear People.
|
|
1511
|
+
My dear Bagginses and Boffins, and my dear Tooks and Brandybucks,
|
|
1512
|
+
and Grubbs, and Chubbs, and Burrowses, and Hornblowers, and Bolgers,
|
|
1513
|
+
Bracegirdles, Goodbodies, Brockhouses and Proudfoots. Also my good
|
|
1514
|
+
Sackville Bagginses that I welcome back at last to Bag End. Today is my
|
|
1515
|
+
one hundred and eleventh birthday: I am eleventy-one today!"
|
|
1516
|
+
-- J. R. R. Tolkien
|
|
1517
|
+
%
|
|
1518
|
+
My only love sprung from my only hate!
|
|
1519
|
+
Too early seen unknown, and known too late!
|
|
1520
|
+
-- William Shakespeare, "Romeo and Juliet"
|
|
1521
|
+
%
|
|
1522
|
+
Never laugh at live dragons.
|
|
1523
|
+
-- Bilbo Baggins [J.R.R. Tolkien, "The Hobbit"]
|
|
1524
|
+
%
|
|
1525
|
+
No group of professionals meets except to conspire against the public at large.
|
|
1526
|
+
-- Mark Twain
|
|
1527
|
+
%
|
|
1528
|
+
No live organism can continue for long to exist sanely under conditions of
|
|
1529
|
+
absolute reality; even larks and katydids are supposed, by some, to dream.
|
|
1530
|
+
Hill House, not sane, stood by itself against its hills, holding darkness
|
|
1531
|
+
within; it had stood so for eighty years and might stand for eighty more.
|
|
1532
|
+
Within, walls continued upright, bricks met neatly, floors were firm, and
|
|
1533
|
+
doors were sensibly shut; silence lay steadily against the wood and stone
|
|
1534
|
+
of Hill House, and whatever walked there, walked alone.
|
|
1535
|
+
-- Shirley Jackson, "The Haunting of Hill House"
|
|
1536
|
+
%
|
|
1537
|
+
No violence, gentlemen -- no violence, I beg of you! Consider the furniture!
|
|
1538
|
+
-- Sherlock Holmes
|
|
1539
|
+
%
|
|
1540
|
+
Noise proves nothing. Often a hen who has merely laid an egg cackles
|
|
1541
|
+
as if she laid an asteroid.
|
|
1542
|
+
-- Mark Twain
|
|
1543
|
+
%
|
|
1544
|
+
"Not Hercules could have knock'd out his brains, for he had none."
|
|
1545
|
+
-- Shakespeare
|
|
1546
|
+
%
|
|
1547
|
+
Nothing so needs reforming as other people's habits.
|
|
1548
|
+
-- Mark Twain
|
|
1549
|
+
%
|
|
1550
|
+
Nothing so needs reforming as other people's habits.
|
|
1551
|
+
-- Mark Twain, "Pudd'nhead Wilson's Calendar"
|
|
1552
|
+
%
|
|
1553
|
+
O, it is excellent
|
|
1554
|
+
To have a giant's strength; but it is tyrannous
|
|
1555
|
+
To use it like a giant.
|
|
1556
|
+
-- Shakespeare, "Measure for Measure", II, 2
|
|
1557
|
+
%
|
|
1558
|
+
October 12, the Discovery.
|
|
1559
|
+
|
|
1560
|
+
It was wonderful to find America, but it would have been more wonderful to miss
|
|
1561
|
+
it.
|
|
1562
|
+
-- Mark Twain, "Pudd'nhead Wilson's Calendar"
|
|
1563
|
+
%
|
|
1564
|
+
October.
|
|
1565
|
+
|
|
1566
|
+
This is one of the peculiarly dangerous months to speculate in stocks in.
|
|
1567
|
+
|
|
1568
|
+
The others are July, January, September, April, November, May, March, June,
|
|
1569
|
+
December, August, and February.
|
|
1570
|
+
|
|
1571
|
+
-- Mark Twain, "Pudd'nhead Wilson's Calendar"
|
|
1572
|
+
%
|
|
1573
|
+
O, what a tangled web we weave, When first we practice to deceive.
|
|
1574
|
+
-- Sir Walter Scott, "Marmion"
|
|
1575
|
+
%
|
|
1576
|
+
One of the most striking differences between a cat and a lie is that a cat has
|
|
1577
|
+
only nine lives.
|
|
1578
|
+
-- Mark Twain, "Pudd'nhead Wilson's Calendar"
|
|
1579
|
+
%
|
|
1580
|
+
Patch griefs with proverbs.
|
|
1581
|
+
-- William Shakespeare, "Much Ado About Nothing"
|
|
1582
|
+
%
|
|
1583
|
+
Perilous to all of us are the devices of an art deeper than we ourselves
|
|
1584
|
+
possess.
|
|
1585
|
+
-- Gandalf the Grey [J.R.R. Tolkien, "Lord of the Rings"]
|
|
1586
|
+
%
|
|
1587
|
+
Persons attempting to find a motive in this narrative will be prosecuted;
|
|
1588
|
+
persons attempting to find a moral in it will be banished; persons attempting
|
|
1589
|
+
to find a plot in it will be shot. By Order of the Author
|
|
1590
|
+
-- Mark Twain, "The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn"
|
|
1591
|
+
%
|
|
1592
|
+
question = ( to ) ? be : ! be;
|
|
1593
|
+
-- Wm. Shakespeare
|
|
1594
|
+
%
|
|
1595
|
+
Reader, suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of
|
|
1596
|
+
Congress. But I repeat myself.
|
|
1597
|
+
-- Mark Twain
|
|
1598
|
+
%
|
|
1599
|
+
Rebellion lay in his way, and he found it.
|
|
1600
|
+
-- William Shakespeare, "Henry IV"
|
|
1601
|
+
%
|
|
1602
|
+
Remark of Dr. Baldwin's concerning upstarts: We don't care to eat toadstools
|
|
1603
|
+
that think they are truffles.
|
|
1604
|
+
-- Mark Twain, "Pudd'nhead Wilson's Calendar"
|
|
1605
|
+
%
|
|
1606
|
+
Repartee is something we think of twenty-four hours too late.
|
|
1607
|
+
-- Mark Twain
|
|
1608
|
+
%
|
|
1609
|
+
ROMEO: Courage, man; the hurt cannot be much.
|
|
1610
|
+
MERCUTIO: No, 'tis not so deep as a well, nor so wide
|
|
1611
|
+
as a church-door; but 'tis enough, 'twill serve.
|
|
1612
|
+
%
|
|
1613
|
+
Seeing that death, a necessary end,
|
|
1614
|
+
Will come when it will come.
|
|
1615
|
+
-- William Shakespeare, "Julius Caesar"
|
|
1616
|
+
%
|
|
1617
|
+
She is not refined. She is not unrefined. She keeps a parrot.
|
|
1618
|
+
-- Mark Twain
|
|
1619
|
+
%
|
|
1620
|
+
Sheriff Chameleotoptor sighed with an air of weary sadness, and then
|
|
1621
|
+
turned to Doppelgutt and said 'The Senator must really have been on a
|
|
1622
|
+
bender this time -- he left a party in Cleveland, Ohio, at 11:30 last
|
|
1623
|
+
night, and they found his car this morning in the smokestack of a British
|
|
1624
|
+
aircraft carrier in the Formosa Straits.'
|
|
1625
|
+
-- Grand Panjandrum's Special Award, 1985 Bulwer-Lytton
|
|
1626
|
+
bad fiction contest.
|
|
1627
|
+
%
|
|
1628
|
+
Small things make base men proud.
|
|
1629
|
+
-- William Shakespeare, "Henry VI"
|
|
1630
|
+
%
|
|
1631
|
+
So she went into the garden to cut a cabbage leaf to make an apple pie;
|
|
1632
|
+
and at the same time a great she-bear, coming up the street pops its head
|
|
1633
|
+
into the shop. "What! no soap?" So he died, and she very imprudently
|
|
1634
|
+
married the barber; and there were present the Picninnies, and the Grand
|
|
1635
|
+
Panjandrum himself, with the little round button at top, and they all
|
|
1636
|
+
fell to playing the game of catch as catch can, till the gunpowder ran
|
|
1637
|
+
out at the heels of their boots.
|
|
1638
|
+
-- Samuel Foote
|
|
1639
|
+
%
|
|
1640
|
+
So so is good, very good, very excellent good:
|
|
1641
|
+
and yet it is not; it is but so so.
|
|
1642
|
+
-- William Shakespeare, "As You Like It"
|
|
1643
|
+
%
|
|
1644
|
+
Soap and education are not as sudden as a massacre, but they are more
|
|
1645
|
+
deadly in the long run.
|
|
1646
|
+
-- Mark Twain
|
|
1647
|
+
%
|
|
1648
|
+
Something's rotten in the state of Denmark.
|
|
1649
|
+
-- Shakespeare
|
|
1650
|
+
%
|
|
1651
|
+
Sometimes I wonder if I'm in my right mind. Then it passes off and I'm
|
|
1652
|
+
as intelligent as ever.
|
|
1653
|
+
-- Samuel Beckett, "Endgame"
|
|
1654
|
+
%
|
|
1655
|
+
"Speak, thou vast and venerable head," muttered Ahab, "which, though
|
|
1656
|
+
ungarnished with a beard, yet here and there lookest hoary with mosses; speak,
|
|
1657
|
+
mighty head, and tell us the secret thing that is in thee. Of all divers,
|
|
1658
|
+
thou has dived the deepest. That head upon which the upper sun now gleams has
|
|
1659
|
+
moved amid the world's foundations. Where unrecorded names and navies rust,
|
|
1660
|
+
and untold hopes and anchors rot; where in her murderous hold this frigate
|
|
1661
|
+
earth is ballasted with bones of millions of the drowned; there, in that awful
|
|
1662
|
+
water-land, there was thy most familiar home. Thou hast been where bell or
|
|
1663
|
+
diver never went; has slept by many a sailer's side, where sleepless mothers
|
|
1664
|
+
would give their lives to lay them down. Thou saw'st the locked lovers when
|
|
1665
|
+
leaping from their flaming ship; heart to heart they sank beneath the exulting
|
|
1666
|
+
wave; true to each other, when heaven seemed false to them. Thou saw'st the
|
|
1667
|
+
murdered mate when tossed by pirates from the midnight deck; for hours he fell
|
|
1668
|
+
into the deeper midnight of the insatiate maw; and his murderers still sailed
|
|
1669
|
+
on unharmed -- while swift lightnings shivered the neighboring ship that would
|
|
1670
|
+
have borne a righteous husband to outstretched, longing arms. O head! thou has
|
|
1671
|
+
seen enough to split the planets and make an infidel of Abraham, and not one
|
|
1672
|
+
syllable is thine!"
|
|
1673
|
+
-- H. Melville, "Moby Dick"
|
|
1674
|
+
%
|
|
1675
|
+
Steady movement is more important than speed, much of the time. So long
|
|
1676
|
+
as there is a regular progression of stimuli to get your mental hooks
|
|
1677
|
+
into, there is room for lateral movement. Once this begins, its rate is
|
|
1678
|
+
a matter of discretion.
|
|
1679
|
+
-- Corwin, Prince of Amber
|
|
1680
|
+
%
|
|
1681
|
+
Stop! There was first a game of blindman's buff. Of course there was.
|
|
1682
|
+
And I no more believe Topper was really blind than I believe he had eyes
|
|
1683
|
+
in his boots. My opinion is, that it was a done thing between him and
|
|
1684
|
+
Scrooge's nephew; and that the Ghost of Christmas Present knew it. The
|
|
1685
|
+
way he went after that plump sister in the lace tucker, was an outrage
|
|
1686
|
+
on the credulity of human nature.
|
|
1687
|
+
%
|
|
1688
|
+
Suspicion always haunts the guilty mind.
|
|
1689
|
+
-- Wm. Shakespeare
|
|
1690
|
+
%
|
|
1691
|
+
Swerve me? The path to my fixed purpose is laid with iron rails,
|
|
1692
|
+
whereon my soul is grooved to run. Over unsounded gorges, through
|
|
1693
|
+
the rifled hearts of mountains, under torrents' beds, unerringly I rush!
|
|
1694
|
+
-- Captain Ahab, "Moby Dick"
|
|
1695
|
+
%
|
|
1696
|
+
Talkers are no good doers.
|
|
1697
|
+
-- William Shakespeare, "Henry VI"
|
|
1698
|
+
%
|
|
1699
|
+
Tell the truth or trump--but get the trick.
|
|
1700
|
+
-- Mark Twain, "Pudd'nhead Wilson's Calendar"
|
|
1701
|
+
%
|
|
1702
|
+
Tempt not a desperate man.
|
|
1703
|
+
-- William Shakespeare, "Romeo and Juliet"
|
|
1704
|
+
%
|
|
1705
|
+
The abuse of greatness is when it disjoins remorse from power.
|
|
1706
|
+
-- William Shakespeare, "Julius Caesar"
|
|
1707
|
+
%
|
|
1708
|
+
The bay-trees in our country are all wither'd
|
|
1709
|
+
And meteors fright the fixed stars of heaven;
|
|
1710
|
+
The pale-faced moon looks bloody on the earth
|
|
1711
|
+
And lean-look'd prophets whisper fearful change.
|
|
1712
|
+
These signs forerun the death or fall of kings.
|
|
1713
|
+
-- Wm. Shakespeare, "Richard II"
|
|
1714
|
+
%
|
|
1715
|
+
The better part of valor is discretion.
|
|
1716
|
+
-- William Shakespeare, "Henry IV"
|
|
1717
|
+
%
|
|
1718
|
+
The bone-chilling scream split the warm summer night in two, the first
|
|
1719
|
+
half being before the scream when it was fairly balmy and calm and
|
|
1720
|
+
pleasant, the second half still balmy and quite pleasant for those who
|
|
1721
|
+
hadn't heard the scream at all, but not calm or balmy or even very nice
|
|
1722
|
+
for those who did hear the scream, discounting the little period of time
|
|
1723
|
+
during the actual scream itself when your ears might have been hearing it
|
|
1724
|
+
but your brain wasn't reacting yet to let you know.
|
|
1725
|
+
-- Winning sentence, 1986 Bulwer-Lytton bad fiction contest.
|
|
1726
|
+
%
|
|
1727
|
+
The Bulwer-Lytton fiction contest is held ever year at San Jose State
|
|
1728
|
+
Univ. by Professor Scott Rice. It is held in memory of Edward George
|
|
1729
|
+
Earle Bulwer-Lytton (1803-1873), a rather prolific and popular (in his
|
|
1730
|
+
time) novelist. He is best known today for having written "The Last
|
|
1731
|
+
Days of Pompeii."
|
|
1732
|
+
|
|
1733
|
+
Whenever Snoopy starts typing his novel from the top of his doghouse,
|
|
1734
|
+
beginning "It was a dark and stormy night..." he is borrowing from Lord
|
|
1735
|
+
Bulwer-Lytton. This was the line that opened his novel, "Paul Clifford,"
|
|
1736
|
+
written in 1830. The full line reveals why it is so bad:
|
|
1737
|
+
|
|
1738
|
+
It was a dark and stormy night; the rain fell in torrents -- except
|
|
1739
|
+
at occasional intervals, when it was checked by a violent gust of
|
|
1740
|
+
wind which swept up the streets (for it is in London that our scene
|
|
1741
|
+
lies), rattling along the housetops, and fiercely agitating the scanty
|
|
1742
|
+
flame of the lamps that struggled against the darkness.
|
|
1743
|
+
%
|
|
1744
|
+
The camel died quite suddenly on the second day, and Selena fretted
|
|
1745
|
+
sullenly and, buffing her already impeccable nails -- not for the first
|
|
1746
|
+
time since the journey begain -- pondered snidely if this would dissolve
|
|
1747
|
+
into a vignette of minor inconveniences like all the other holidays spent
|
|
1748
|
+
with Basil.
|
|
1749
|
+
-- Winning sentence, 1983 Bulwer-Lytton bad fiction contest.
|
|
1750
|
+
%
|
|
1751
|
+
The countdown had stalled at 'T' minus 69 seconds when Desiree, the first
|
|
1752
|
+
female ape to go up in space, winked at me slyly and pouted her thick,
|
|
1753
|
+
rubbery lips unmistakably -- the first of many such advances during what
|
|
1754
|
+
would prove to be the longest, and most memorable, space voyage of my
|
|
1755
|
+
career.
|
|
1756
|
+
-- Winning sentence, 1985 Bulwer-Lytton bad fiction contest.
|
|
1757
|
+
%
|
|
1758
|
+
The devil can cite Scripture for his purpose.
|
|
1759
|
+
-- William Shakespeare, "The Merchant of Venice"
|
|
1760
|
+
%
|
|
1761
|
+
The difference between a Miracle and a Fact is exactly the difference
|
|
1762
|
+
between a mermaid and a seal.
|
|
1763
|
+
-- Mark Twain
|
|
1764
|
+
%
|
|
1765
|
+
The difference between the right word and the almost right word is the
|
|
1766
|
+
difference between lightning and the lightning bug.
|
|
1767
|
+
-- Mark Twain
|
|
1768
|
+
%
|
|
1769
|
+
The fashion wears out more apparel than the man.
|
|
1770
|
+
-- William Shakespeare, "Much Ado About Nothing"
|
|
1771
|
+
%
|
|
1772
|
+
The first thing we do, let's kill all the lawyers.
|
|
1773
|
+
-- Wm. Shakespeare, "Henry VI", Part IV
|
|
1774
|
+
%
|
|
1775
|
+
The holy passion of Friendship is of so sweet and steady and loyal and
|
|
1776
|
+
enduring a nature that it will last through a whole lifetime, if not asked to
|
|
1777
|
+
lend money.
|
|
1778
|
+
-- Mark Twain, "Pudd'nhead Wilson's Calendar"
|
|
1779
|
+
%
|
|
1780
|
+
The human race has one really effective weapon, and that is laughter.
|
|
1781
|
+
-- Mark Twain
|
|
1782
|
+
%
|
|
1783
|
+
The human race is a race of cowards; and I am not only marching in that
|
|
1784
|
+
procession but carrying a banner.
|
|
1785
|
+
-- Mark Twain
|
|
1786
|
+
%
|
|
1787
|
+
The last thing one knows in constructing a work is what to put first.
|
|
1788
|
+
-- Blaise Pascal
|
|
1789
|
+
%
|
|
1790
|
+
The Least Perceptive Literary Critic
|
|
1791
|
+
The most important critic in our field of study is Lord Halifax. A
|
|
1792
|
+
most individual judge of poetry, he once invited Alexander Pope round to
|
|
1793
|
+
give a public reading of his latest poem.
|
|
1794
|
+
Pope, the leading poet of his day, was greatly surprised when Lord
|
|
1795
|
+
Halifax stopped him four or five times and said, "I beg your pardon, Mr.
|
|
1796
|
+
Pope, but there is something in that passage that does not quite please me."
|
|
1797
|
+
Pope was rendered speechless, as this fine critic suggested sizeable
|
|
1798
|
+
and unwise emendations to his latest masterpiece. "Be so good as to mark
|
|
1799
|
+
the place and consider at your leisure. I'm sure you can give it a better
|
|
1800
|
+
turn."
|
|
1801
|
+
After the reading, a good friend of Lord Halifax, a certain Dr.
|
|
1802
|
+
Garth, took the stunned Pope to one side. "There is no need to touch the
|
|
1803
|
+
lines," he said. "All you need do is leave them just as they are, call on
|
|
1804
|
+
Lord Halifax two or three months hence, thank him for his kind observation
|
|
1805
|
+
on those passages, and then read them to him as altered. I have known him
|
|
1806
|
+
much longer than you have, and will be answerable for the event."
|
|
1807
|
+
Pope took his advice, called on Lord Halifax and read the poem
|
|
1808
|
+
exactly as it was before. His unique critical faculties had lost none of
|
|
1809
|
+
their edge. "Ay", he commented, "now they are perfectly right. Nothing can
|
|
1810
|
+
be better."
|
|
1811
|
+
-- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures"
|
|
1812
|
+
%
|
|
1813
|
+
The Least Successful Collector
|
|
1814
|
+
Betsy Baker played a central role in the history of collecting. She
|
|
1815
|
+
was employed as a servant in the house of John Warburton (1682-1759) who had
|
|
1816
|
+
amassed a fine collection of 58 first edition plays, including most of the
|
|
1817
|
+
works of Shakespeare.
|
|
1818
|
+
One day Warburton returned home to find 55 of them charred beyond
|
|
1819
|
+
legibility. Betsy had either burned them or used them as pie bottoms. The
|
|
1820
|
+
remaining three folios are now in the British Museum.
|
|
1821
|
+
The only comparable literary figure was the maid who in 1835 burned
|
|
1822
|
+
the manuscript of the first volume of Thomas Carlyle's "The Hisory of the
|
|
1823
|
+
French Revolution", thinking it was wastepaper.
|
|
1824
|
+
-- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures"
|
|
1825
|
+
%
|
|
1826
|
+
The lovely woman-child Kaa was mercilessly chained to the cruel post of
|
|
1827
|
+
the warrior-chief Beast, with his barbarian tribe now stacking wood at
|
|
1828
|
+
her nubile feet, when the strong clear voice of the poetic and heroic
|
|
1829
|
+
Handsomas roared, 'Flick your Bic, crisp that chick, and you'll feel my
|
|
1830
|
+
steel through your last meal!'
|
|
1831
|
+
-- Winning sentence, 1984 Bulwer-Lytton bad fiction contest.
|
|
1832
|
+
%
|
|
1833
|
+
The lunatic, the lover, and the poet,
|
|
1834
|
+
Are of imagination all compact...
|
|
1835
|
+
-- Wm. Shakespeare, "A Midsummer Night's Dream"
|
|
1836
|
+
%
|
|
1837
|
+
The man who sets out to carry a cat by its tail learns something that
|
|
1838
|
+
will always be useful and which never will grow dim or doubtful.
|
|
1839
|
+
-- Mark Twain
|
|
1840
|
+
%
|
|
1841
|
+
The naked truth of it is, I have no shirt.
|
|
1842
|
+
-- William Shakespeare, "Love's Labour's Lost"
|
|
1843
|
+
%
|
|
1844
|
+
"...The name of the song is called 'Haddocks' Eyes'!"
|
|
1845
|
+
"Oh, that's the name of the song, is it?" Alice said, trying to
|
|
1846
|
+
feel interested.
|
|
1847
|
+
"No, you don't understand," the Knight said, looking a little
|
|
1848
|
+
vexed. "That's what the name is called. The name really is, 'The Aged
|
|
1849
|
+
Aged Man.'"
|
|
1850
|
+
"Then I ought to have said "That's what the song is called'?"
|
|
1851
|
+
Alice corrected herself.
|
|
1852
|
+
"No, you oughtn't: that's quite another thing! The song is
|
|
1853
|
+
called 'Ways and Means': but that's only what it is called you know!"
|
|
1854
|
+
"Well, what is the song then?" said Alice, who was by this
|
|
1855
|
+
time completely bewildered.
|
|
1856
|
+
"I was coming to that," the Knight said. "The song really is
|
|
1857
|
+
"A-sitting on a Gate": and the tune's my own invention."
|
|
1858
|
+
-- Lewis Carroll, "Through the Looking Glass"
|
|
1859
|
+
%
|
|
1860
|
+
The notes blatted skyward as they rose over the Canada geese, feathered
|
|
1861
|
+
rumps mooning the day, webbed appendages frantically pedaling unseen
|
|
1862
|
+
bicycles in their search for sustenance, driven by cruel Nature's maxim,
|
|
1863
|
+
'Ya wanna eat, ya gotta work,' and at last I knew Pittsburgh.
|
|
1864
|
+
-- Winning sentence, 1987 Bulwer-Lytton bad fiction contest.
|
|
1865
|
+
%
|
|
1866
|
+
The only people for me are the mad ones -- the ones who are mad to live,
|
|
1867
|
+
mad to talk, mad to be saved, desirous of everything at the same time,
|
|
1868
|
+
the ones who never yawn or say a commonplace thing, but burn, burn, burn
|
|
1869
|
+
like fabulous yellow Roman candles.
|
|
1870
|
+
-- Jack Kerouac, "On the Road"
|
|
1871
|
+
%
|
|
1872
|
+
The only way to keep your health is to eat what you don't want, drink what
|
|
1873
|
+
you don't like, and do what you'd rather not.
|
|
1874
|
+
-- Mark Twain
|
|
1875
|
+
%
|
|
1876
|
+
The Priest's grey nimbus in a niche where he dressed discreetly.
|
|
1877
|
+
I will not sleep here tonight. Home also I cannot go.
|
|
1878
|
+
A voice, sweetened and sustained, called to him from the sea.
|
|
1879
|
+
Turning the curve he waved his hand. A sleek brown head, a seal's, far
|
|
1880
|
+
out on the water, round. Usurper.
|
|
1881
|
+
-- James Joyce, "Ulysses"
|
|
1882
|
+
%
|
|
1883
|
+
The Public is merely a multiplied "me."
|
|
1884
|
+
-- Mark Twain
|
|
1885
|
+
%
|
|
1886
|
+
The ripest fruit falls first.
|
|
1887
|
+
-- William Shakespeare, "Richard II"
|
|
1888
|
+
%
|
|
1889
|
+
The secret source of humor is not joy but sorrow; there is no humor in Heaven.
|
|
1890
|
+
-- Mark Twain
|
|
1891
|
+
%
|
|
1892
|
+
The smallest worm will turn being trodden on.
|
|
1893
|
+
-- William Shakespeare, "Henry VI"
|
|
1894
|
+
%
|
|
1895
|
+
The surest protection against temptation is cowardice.
|
|
1896
|
+
-- Mark Twain
|
|
1897
|
+
%
|
|
1898
|
+
The true Southern watermelon is a boon apart, and not to be mentioned with
|
|
1899
|
+
commoner things. It is chief of the world's luxuries, king by the grace of God
|
|
1900
|
+
over all the fruits of the earth. When one has tasted it, he knows what the
|
|
1901
|
+
angels eat. It was not a Southern watermelon that Eve took; we know it because
|
|
1902
|
+
she repented.
|
|
1903
|
+
-- Mark Twain, "Pudd'nhead Wilson's Calendar"
|
|
1904
|
+
%
|
|
1905
|
+
The very ink with which all history is written is merely fluid prejudice.
|
|
1906
|
+
-- Mark Twain
|
|
1907
|
+
%
|
|
1908
|
+
There are more things in heaven and earth,
|
|
1909
|
+
Horatio, than are dreamt of in your philosophy.
|
|
1910
|
+
-- Wm. Shakespeare, "Hamlet"
|
|
1911
|
+
%
|
|
1912
|
+
There are three infallible ways of pleasing an author, and the three form a
|
|
1913
|
+
rising scale of compliment: 1, to tell him you have read one of his books; 2,
|
|
1914
|
+
to tell him you have read all of his books; 3, to ask him to let you read the
|
|
1915
|
+
manuscript of his forthcoming book. No. 1 admits you to his respect; No. 2
|
|
1916
|
+
admits you to his admiration; No. 3 carries you clear into his heart.
|
|
1917
|
+
-- Mark Twain, "Pudd'nhead Wilson's Calendar"
|
|
1918
|
+
%
|
|
1919
|
+
There is a great discovery still to be made in Literature: that of
|
|
1920
|
+
paying literary men by the quantity they do NOT write.
|
|
1921
|
+
%
|
|
1922
|
+
There is always one thing to remember: writers are always selling somebody out.
|
|
1923
|
+
-- Joan Didion, "Slouching Towards Bethlehem"
|
|
1924
|
+
%
|
|
1925
|
+
There is an old time toast which is golden for its beauty.
|
|
1926
|
+
"When you ascend the hill of prosperity may you not meet a friend."
|
|
1927
|
+
-- Mark Twain
|
|
1928
|
+
%
|
|
1929
|
+
There is no character, howsoever good and fine, but it can be destroyed by
|
|
1930
|
+
ridicule, howsoever poor and witless. Observe the ass, for instance: his
|
|
1931
|
+
character is about perfect, he is the choicest spirit among all the humbler
|
|
1932
|
+
animals, yet see what ridicule has brought him to. Instead of feeling
|
|
1933
|
+
complimented when we are called an ass, we are left in doubt.
|
|
1934
|
+
-- Mark Twain, "Pudd'nhead Wilson's Calendar"
|
|
1935
|
+
%
|
|
1936
|
+
There is no distinctly native American criminal class except Congress.
|
|
1937
|
+
-- Mark Twain
|
|
1938
|
+
%
|
|
1939
|
+
There is no hunting like the hunting of man, and those who have hunted
|
|
1940
|
+
armed men long enough and liked it, never care for anything else thereafter.
|
|
1941
|
+
-- Ernest Hemingway
|
|
1942
|
+
%
|
|
1943
|
+
There's small choice in rotten apples.
|
|
1944
|
+
-- William Shakespeare, "The Taming of the Shrew"
|
|
1945
|
+
%
|
|
1946
|
+
They have been at a great feast of languages, and stolen the scraps.
|
|
1947
|
+
-- William Shakespeare, "Love's Labour's Lost"
|
|
1948
|
+
%
|
|
1949
|
+
They spell it "da Vinci" and pronounce it "da Vinchy". Foreigners
|
|
1950
|
+
always spell better than they pronounce.
|
|
1951
|
+
-- Mark Twain
|
|
1952
|
+
%
|
|
1953
|
+
Things past redress and now with me past care.
|
|
1954
|
+
-- William Shakespeare, "Richard II"
|
|
1955
|
+
%
|
|
1956
|
+
This is the first age that's paid much attention to the future, which is a
|
|
1957
|
+
little ironic since we may not have one.
|
|
1958
|
+
-- Arthur Clarke
|
|
1959
|
+
%
|
|
1960
|
+
This night methinks is but the daylight sick.
|
|
1961
|
+
-- William Shakespeare, "The Merchant of Venice"
|
|
1962
|
+
%
|
|
1963
|
+
This was the most unkindest cut of all.
|
|
1964
|
+
-- William Shakespeare, "Julius Caesar"
|
|
1965
|
+
%
|
|
1966
|
+
To be or not to be.
|
|
1967
|
+
-- Shakespeare
|
|
1968
|
+
To do is to be.
|
|
1969
|
+
-- Nietzsche
|
|
1970
|
+
To be is to do.
|
|
1971
|
+
-- Sartre
|
|
1972
|
+
Do be do be do.
|
|
1973
|
+
-- Sinatra
|
|
1974
|
+
%
|
|
1975
|
+
Too much is just enough.
|
|
1976
|
+
-- Mark Twain, on whiskey
|
|
1977
|
+
%
|
|
1978
|
+
Training is everything. The peach was once a bitter almond; cauliflower is
|
|
1979
|
+
nothing but cabbage with a college education.
|
|
1980
|
+
-- Mark Twain, "Pudd'nhead Wilson's Calendar"
|
|
1981
|
+
%
|
|
1982
|
+
Truth is the most valuable thing we have -- so let us economize it.
|
|
1983
|
+
-- Mark Twain
|
|
1984
|
+
%
|
|
1985
|
+
Unless hours were cups of sack, and minutes capons, and clocks the tongues
|
|
1986
|
+
of bawds, and dials the signs of leaping houses, and the blessed sun himself
|
|
1987
|
+
a fair, hot wench in flame-colored taffeta, I see no reason why thou shouldst
|
|
1988
|
+
be so superfluous to demand the time of the day. I wasted time and now doth
|
|
1989
|
+
time waste me.
|
|
1990
|
+
-- William Shakespeare
|
|
1991
|
+
%
|
|
1992
|
+
Wagner's music is better than it sounds.
|
|
1993
|
+
-- Mark Twain
|
|
1994
|
+
%
|
|
1995
|
+
Water, taken in moderation cannot hurt anybody.
|
|
1996
|
+
-- Mark Twain
|
|
1997
|
+
%
|
|
1998
|
+
We know all about the habits of the ant, we know all about the habits of the
|
|
1999
|
+
bee, but we know nothing at all about the habits of the oyster. It seems
|
|
2000
|
+
almost certain that we have been choosing the wrong time for studying the
|
|
2001
|
+
oyster.
|
|
2002
|
+
-- Mark Twain, "Pudd'nhead Wilson's Calendar"
|
|
2003
|
+
%
|
|
2004
|
+
We should be careful to get out of an experience only the wisdom that is
|
|
2005
|
+
in it - and stay there, lest we be like the cat that sits down on a hot
|
|
2006
|
+
stove-lid. She will never sit down on a hot stove-lid again - and that
|
|
2007
|
+
is well; but also she will never sit down on a cold one any more.
|
|
2008
|
+
-- Mark Twain
|
|
2009
|
+
%
|
|
2010
|
+
We were young and our happiness dazzled us with its strength. But there was
|
|
2011
|
+
also a terrible betrayal that lay within me like a Merle Haggard song at a
|
|
2012
|
+
French restaurant. [...]
|
|
2013
|
+
I could not tell the girl about the woman of the tollway, of her milk
|
|
2014
|
+
white BMW and her Jordache smile. There had been a fight. I had punched her
|
|
2015
|
+
boyfriend, who fought the mechanical bulls. Everyone told him, "You ride the
|
|
2016
|
+
bull, senor. You do not fight it." But he was lean and tough like a bad
|
|
2017
|
+
rib-eye and he fought the bull. And then he fought me. And when we finished
|
|
2018
|
+
there were no winners, just men doing what men must do. [...]
|
|
2019
|
+
"Stop the car," the girl said.
|
|
2020
|
+
There was a look of terrible sadness in her eyes. She knew about the
|
|
2021
|
+
woman of the tollway. I knew not how. I started to speak, but she raised an
|
|
2022
|
+
arm and spoke with a quiet and peace I will never forget.
|
|
2023
|
+
"I do not ask for whom's the tollway belle," she said, "the tollway
|
|
2024
|
+
belle's for thee."
|
|
2025
|
+
The next morning our youth was a memory, and our happiness was a lie.
|
|
2026
|
+
Life is like a bad margarita with good tequila, I thought as I poured whiskey
|
|
2027
|
+
onto my granola and faced a new day.
|
|
2028
|
+
-- Peter Applebome, International Imitation Hemingway
|
|
2029
|
+
Competition
|
|
2030
|
+
%
|
|
2031
|
+
Well, anyway, I was reading this James Bond book, and right away I realized
|
|
2032
|
+
that like most books, it had too many words. The plot was the same one that
|
|
2033
|
+
all James Bond books have: An evil person tries to blow up the world, but
|
|
2034
|
+
James Bond kills him and his henchmen and makes love to several attractive
|
|
2035
|
+
women. There, that's it: 24 words. But the guy who wrote the book took
|
|
2036
|
+
*thousands* of words to say it.
|
|
2037
|
+
Or consider "The Brothers Karamazov", by the famous Russian alcoholic
|
|
2038
|
+
Fyodor Dostoyevsky. It's about these two brothers who kill their father.
|
|
2039
|
+
Or maybe only one of them kills the father. It's impossible to tell because
|
|
2040
|
+
what they mostly do is talk for nearly a thousand pages. If all Russians talk
|
|
2041
|
+
as much as the Karamazovs did, I don't see how they found time to become a
|
|
2042
|
+
major world power.
|
|
2043
|
+
I'm told that Dostoyevsky wrote "The Brothers Karamazov" to raise
|
|
2044
|
+
the question of whether there is a God. So why didn't he just come right
|
|
2045
|
+
out and say: "Is there a God? It sure beats the heck out of me."
|
|
2046
|
+
Other famous works could easily have been summarized in a few words:
|
|
2047
|
+
|
|
2048
|
+
* "Moby Dick" -- Don't mess around with large whales because they symbolize
|
|
2049
|
+
nature and will kill you.
|
|
2050
|
+
* "A Tale of Two Cities" -- French people are crazy.
|
|
2051
|
+
-- Dave Barry
|
|
2052
|
+
%
|
|
2053
|
+
What good is an obscenity trial except to popularize literature?
|
|
2054
|
+
-- Nero Wolfe, "The League of Frightened Men"
|
|
2055
|
+
%
|
|
2056
|
+
What I tell you three times is true.
|
|
2057
|
+
-- Lewis Carroll
|
|
2058
|
+
%
|
|
2059
|
+
What no spouse of a writer can ever understand is that a writer is working
|
|
2060
|
+
when he's staring out the window.
|
|
2061
|
+
%
|
|
2062
|
+
When angry, count four; when very angry, swear.
|
|
2063
|
+
-- Mark Twain, "Pudd'nhead Wilson's Calendar"
|
|
2064
|
+
%
|
|
2065
|
+
When I reflect upon the number of disagreeable people who I know who have gone
|
|
2066
|
+
to a better world, I am moved to lead a different life.
|
|
2067
|
+
-- Mark Twain, "Pudd'nhead Wilson's Calendar"
|
|
2068
|
+
%
|
|
2069
|
+
When I was younger, I could remember anything, whether it had happened
|
|
2070
|
+
or not; but my faculties are decaying now and soon I shall be so I
|
|
2071
|
+
cannot remember any but the things that never happened. It is sad to
|
|
2072
|
+
go to pieces like this but we all have to do it.
|
|
2073
|
+
-- Mark Twain
|
|
2074
|
+
%
|
|
2075
|
+
When in doubt, tell the truth.
|
|
2076
|
+
-- Mark Twain
|
|
2077
|
+
%
|
|
2078
|
+
When one burns one's bridges, what a very nice fire it makes.
|
|
2079
|
+
-- Dylan Thomas
|
|
2080
|
+
%
|
|
2081
|
+
When you are about to die, a wombat is better than no company at all.
|
|
2082
|
+
-- Roger Zelazny, "Doorways in the Sand"
|
|
2083
|
+
%
|
|
2084
|
+
Whenever the literary German dives into a sentence, that is the last
|
|
2085
|
+
you are going to see of him until he emerges on the other side of his
|
|
2086
|
+
Atlantic with his verb in his mouth.
|
|
2087
|
+
-- Mark Twain "A Connecticut Yankee in King Arthur's Court"
|
|
2088
|
+
%
|
|
2089
|
+
Whenever you find that you are on the side of the majority, it is time
|
|
2090
|
+
to reform.
|
|
2091
|
+
-- Mark Twain
|
|
2092
|
+
%
|
|
2093
|
+
Whoever has lived long enough to find out what life is, knows how deep a debt
|
|
2094
|
+
of gratitude we owe to Adam, the first great benefactor of our race. He
|
|
2095
|
+
brought death into the world.
|
|
2096
|
+
-- Mark Twain, "Pudd'nhead Wilson's Calendar"
|
|
2097
|
+
%
|
|
2098
|
+
Why is it that we rejoice at a birth and grieve at a funeral? It is because we
|
|
2099
|
+
are not the person involved.
|
|
2100
|
+
-- Mark Twain, "Pudd'nhead Wilson's Calendar"
|
|
2101
|
+
%
|
|
2102
|
+
Work consists of whatever a body is obliged to do.
|
|
2103
|
+
Play consists of whatever a body is not obliged to do.
|
|
2104
|
+
-- Mark Twain
|
|
2105
|
+
%
|
|
2106
|
+
Wrinkles should merely indicate where smiles have been.
|
|
2107
|
+
-- Mark Twain
|
|
2108
|
+
%
|
|
2109
|
+
Writing is easy; all you do is sit staring at the blank sheet of paper until
|
|
2110
|
+
drops of blood form on your forehead.
|
|
2111
|
+
-- Gene Fowler
|
|
2112
|
+
%
|
|
2113
|
+
Writing is turning one's worst moments into money.
|
|
2114
|
+
-- J.P. Donleavy
|
|
2115
|
+
%
|
|
2116
|
+
"You have been in Afghanistan, I perceive."
|
|
2117
|
+
-- Sir Arthur Conan Doyle, "A Study in Scarlet"
|
|
2118
|
+
%
|
|
2119
|
+
"You have heard me speak of Professor Moriarty?"
|
|
2120
|
+
"The famous scientific criminal, as famous among crooks as --"
|
|
2121
|
+
"My blushes, Watson," Holmes murmured, in a deprecating voice.
|
|
2122
|
+
"I was about to say 'as he is unknown to the public.'"
|
|
2123
|
+
-- A. Conan Doyle, "The Valley of Fear"
|
|
2124
|
+
%
|
|
2125
|
+
You may my glories and my state dispose,
|
|
2126
|
+
But not my griefs; still am I king of those.
|
|
2127
|
+
-- William Shakespeare, "Richard II"
|
|
2128
|
+
%
|
|
2129
|
+
You mentioned your name as if I should recognize it, but beyond the
|
|
2130
|
+
obvious facts that you are a bachelor, a solicitor, a freemason, and
|
|
2131
|
+
an asthmatic, I know nothing whatever about you.
|
|
2132
|
+
-- Sherlock Holmes, "The Norwood Builder"
|
|
2133
|
+
%
|
|
2134
|
+
You never have to change anything you got up in the middle of the night
|
|
2135
|
+
to write.
|
|
2136
|
+
-- Saul Bellow
|
|
2137
|
+
%
|
|
2138
|
+
You see, I consider that a man's brain originally is like a little empty
|
|
2139
|
+
attic, and you have to stock it with such furniture as you choose. A fool
|
|
2140
|
+
takes in all the lumber of every sort he comes across, so that the knowledge
|
|
2141
|
+
which might be useful to him gets crowded out, or at best is jumbled up with
|
|
2142
|
+
a lot of other things, so that he has difficulty in laying his hands upon it.
|
|
2143
|
+
Now the skilful workman is very careful indeed as to what he takes into his
|
|
2144
|
+
brain-attic. He will have nothing but the tools which may help him in doing
|
|
2145
|
+
his work, but of these he has a large assortment, and all in the most perfect
|
|
2146
|
+
order. It is a mistake to think that that little room has elastic walls and
|
|
2147
|
+
can distend to any extent. Depend upon it there comes a time when for every
|
|
2148
|
+
addition of knowledge you forget something that you knew before. It is of
|
|
2149
|
+
the highest importance, therefore, not to have useless facts elbowing out
|
|
2150
|
+
the useful ones.
|
|
2151
|
+
-- Sir Arthur Conan Doyle, "A Study in Scarlet"
|
|
2152
|
+
%
|
|
2153
|
+
You tread upon my patience.
|
|
2154
|
+
-- William Shakespeare, "Henry IV"
|
|
2155
|
+
%
|
|
2156
|
+
You will remember, Watson, how the dreadful business of the
|
|
2157
|
+
Abernetty family was first brought to my notice by the depth which the
|
|
2158
|
+
parsley had sunk into the butter upon a hot day.
|
|
2159
|
+
-- Sherlock Holmes
|
|
2160
|
+
%
|
|
2161
|
+
Your manuscript is both good and original, but the part that is good is not
|
|
2162
|
+
original and the part that is original is not good.
|
|
2163
|
+
-- Samuel Johnson
|
|
2164
|
+
%
|
|
2165
|
+
Zounds! I was never so bethumped with words
|
|
2166
|
+
since I first called my brother's father dad.
|
|
2167
|
+
-- William Shakespeare, "Kind John"
|
|
2168
|
+
%
|
|
2169
|
+
The mind is its own place, and in itself
|
|
2170
|
+
Can make a Heav'n of Hell, a Hell of Heav'n.
|
|
2171
|
+
-- John Milton
|
|
2172
|
+
%
|
|
2173
|
+
"I understand this is your first dead client," Sabian was saying. The
|
|
2174
|
+
absurdity of the statement made me want to laugh but they don't call me
|
|
2175
|
+
Deadpan Allie and lie.
|
|
2176
|
+
-- Pat Cadigan, "Mindplayers"
|
|
2177
|
+
%
|
|
2178
|
+
A morgue is a morgue is a morgue. They can paint the walls with aggressively
|
|
2179
|
+
cheerful primary colors and splashy bold graphics, but it's still a holding
|
|
2180
|
+
place for the dead until they can be parted out to organ banks. Not that I
|
|
2181
|
+
would have cared normally but my viewpoint was skewed. The relentless
|
|
2182
|
+
pleasance of the room I sat in seemed only grotesque.
|
|
2183
|
+
-- Pat Cadigan, "Mindplayers"
|
|
2184
|
+
%
|
|
2185
|
+
"What's this? Trix? Aunt! Trix? You? You're after the prize! What
|
|
2186
|
+
is it?" He picked up the box and studied the back. "A glow-in-the-dark
|
|
2187
|
+
squid! Have you got it out of there yet?" He tilted the box, angling the
|
|
2188
|
+
little colored balls of cereal so as to see the bottom, and nearly spilling
|
|
2189
|
+
them onto the table top. "Here it is!" He hauled out a little cream-colored,
|
|
2190
|
+
glitter-sprinkled squid, three-inches long and made out of rubbery plastic.
|
|
2191
|
+
-- James P. Blaylock, "The Last Coin"
|
|
2192
|
+
%
|
|
2193
|
+
"Good afternoon, madam. How may I help you?"
|
|
2194
|
+
|
|
2195
|
+
"Good afternoon. I'd like a FrintArms HandCannon, please."
|
|
2196
|
+
|
|
2197
|
+
"A--? Oh, now, that's an awfully big gun for such a lovely lady. I
|
|
2198
|
+
mean, not everybody thinks ladies should carry guns at all, though I
|
|
2199
|
+
say they have a right to. But I think... I might... Let's have a look
|
|
2200
|
+
down here. I might have just the thing for you. Yes, here we are!
|
|
2201
|
+
Look at that, isn't it neat? Now that is a FrintArms product as well,
|
|
2202
|
+
but it's what's called a laser -- a light-pistol some people call
|
|
2203
|
+
them. Very small, as you see; fits easily into a pocket or bag; won't
|
|
2204
|
+
spoil the line of a jacket; and you won't feel you're lugging half a
|
|
2205
|
+
tonne of iron around with you. We do a range of matching accessories,
|
|
2206
|
+
including -- if I may say so -- a rather saucy garter holster. Wish I
|
|
2207
|
+
got to do the fitting for that! Ha -- just my little joke. And
|
|
2208
|
+
there's *even*... here we are -- this special presentation pack: gun,
|
|
2209
|
+
charged battery, charging unit, beautiful glider-hide shoulder holster
|
|
2210
|
+
with adjustable fitting and contrast stitching, and a discount on your
|
|
2211
|
+
next battery. Full instructions, of course, and a voucher for free
|
|
2212
|
+
lessons at your local gun club or range. Or there's the *special*
|
|
2213
|
+
presentation pack; it has all the other one's got but with *two*
|
|
2214
|
+
charged batteries and a night-sight, too. Here, feel that -- don't
|
|
2215
|
+
worry, it's a dummy battery -- isn't it neat? Feel how light it is?
|
|
2216
|
+
Smooth, see? No bits to stick out and catch on your clothes, *and*
|
|
2217
|
+
beautifully balanced. And of course the beauty of a laser is, there's
|
|
2218
|
+
no recoil. Because it's shooting light, you see? Beautiful gun,
|
|
2219
|
+
beautiful gun; my wife has one. Really. That's not a line, she
|
|
2220
|
+
really has. Now, I can do you that one -- with a battery and a free
|
|
2221
|
+
charge -- for ninety-five; or the presentation pack on a special
|
|
2222
|
+
offer for one-nineteen; or this, the special presentation pack, for
|
|
2223
|
+
one-forty-nine."
|
|
2224
|
+
|
|
2225
|
+
"I'll take the special."
|
|
2226
|
+
|
|
2227
|
+
"Sound choice, madam, *sound* choice. Now, do--?"
|
|
2228
|
+
|
|
2229
|
+
"And a HandCannon, with the eighty-mill silencer, five GP clips, three
|
|
2230
|
+
six-five AP/wire-fl'echettes clips, two bipropellant HE clips, and a
|
|
2231
|
+
Special Projectile Pack if you have one -- the one with the embedding
|
|
2232
|
+
rounds, not the signalers. I assume the night-sight on this toy is
|
|
2233
|
+
compatible?"
|
|
2234
|
+
|
|
2235
|
+
"Aah... yes, And how does madam wish to pay?"
|
|
2236
|
+
|
|
2237
|
+
She slapped her credit card on the counter. "Eventually."
|
|
2238
|
+
|
|
2239
|
+
-- Iain M. Banks, "Against a Dark Background"
|
|
2240
|
+
%
|
|
2241
|
+
I got a hint of things to come when I overheard my boss lamenting, 'The
|
|
2242
|
+
books are done and we still don't have an author! I must sign someone
|
|
2243
|
+
today!
|
|
2244
|
+
-- Tamim Ansary, "Edutopia Magazine, Issue 2, November 2004"
|
|
2245
|
+
on the topic of school textbooks
|
|
2246
|
+
%
|
|
2247
|
+
FORTUNE PROVIDES QUESTIONS FOR THE GREAT ANSWERS: #13
|
|
2248
|
+
A: Doc, Happy, Bashful, Dopey, Sneezy, Sleepy, & Grumpy
|
|
2249
|
+
Q: Who were the Democratic presidential candidates?
|
|
2250
|
+
%
|
|
2251
|
+
FORTUNE PROVIDES QUESTIONS FOR THE GREAT ANSWERS: #15
|
|
2252
|
+
A: The Royal Canadian Mounted Police.
|
|
2253
|
+
Q: What was the greatest achievement in taxidermy?
|
|
2254
|
+
%
|
|
2255
|
+
FORTUNE PROVIDES QUESTIONS FOR THE GREAT ANSWERS: #19
|
|
2256
|
+
A: To be or not to be.
|
|
2257
|
+
Q: What is the square root of 4b^2?
|
|
2258
|
+
%
|
|
2259
|
+
FORTUNE PROVIDES QUESTIONS FOR THE GREAT ANSWERS: #21
|
|
2260
|
+
A: Dr. Livingston I. Presume.
|
|
2261
|
+
Q: What's Dr. Presume's full name?
|
|
2262
|
+
%
|
|
2263
|
+
FORTUNE PROVIDES QUESTIONS FOR THE GREAT ANSWERS: #31
|
|
2264
|
+
A: Chicken Teriyaki.
|
|
2265
|
+
Q: What is the name of the world's oldest kamikaze pilot?
|
|
2266
|
+
%
|
|
2267
|
+
FORTUNE PROVIDES QUESTIONS FOR THE GREAT ANSWERS: #4
|
|
2268
|
+
A: Go west, young man, go west!
|
|
2269
|
+
Q: What do wabbits do when they get tiwed of wunning awound?
|
|
2270
|
+
%
|
|
2271
|
+
FORTUNE PROVIDES QUESTIONS FOR THE GREAT ANSWERS: #5
|
|
2272
|
+
A: The Halls of Montezuma and the Shores of Tripoli.
|
|
2273
|
+
Q: Name two families whose kids won't join the Marines.
|
|
2274
|
+
%
|
|
2275
|
+
Knock, knock!
|
|
2276
|
+
Who's there?
|
|
2277
|
+
Sam and Janet.
|
|
2278
|
+
Sam and Janet who?
|
|
2279
|
+
Sam and Janet Evening...
|
|
2280
|
+
%
|
|
2281
|
+
Knucklehead: "Knock, knock"
|
|
2282
|
+
Pee Wee: "Who's there?"
|
|
2283
|
+
Knucklehead: "Little ol' lady."
|
|
2284
|
+
Pee Wee: "Liddle ol' lady who?"
|
|
2285
|
+
Knucklehead: "I didn't know you could yodel"
|
|
2286
|
+
%
|
|
2287
|
+
Q: "What is the burning question on the mind of every dyslexic
|
|
2288
|
+
existentialist?"
|
|
2289
|
+
A: "Is there a dog?"
|
|
2290
|
+
%
|
|
2291
|
+
Q: Are we not men?
|
|
2292
|
+
A: We are Vaxen.
|
|
2293
|
+
%
|
|
2294
|
+
Q: Do you know what the death rate around here is?
|
|
2295
|
+
A: One per person.
|
|
2296
|
+
%
|
|
2297
|
+
Q: How can you tell when a Burroughs salesman is lying?
|
|
2298
|
+
A: When his lips move.
|
|
2299
|
+
%
|
|
2300
|
+
Q: How did you get into artificial intelligence?
|
|
2301
|
+
A: Seemed logical -- I didn't have any real intelligence.
|
|
2302
|
+
%
|
|
2303
|
+
Q: How do you catch a unique rabbit?
|
|
2304
|
+
A: Unique up on it!
|
|
2305
|
+
|
|
2306
|
+
Q: How do you catch a tame rabbit?
|
|
2307
|
+
A: The tame way!
|
|
2308
|
+
%
|
|
2309
|
+
Q: How do you keep a moron in suspense?
|
|
2310
|
+
%
|
|
2311
|
+
Q: How do you play religious roulette?
|
|
2312
|
+
A: You stand around in a circle and blaspheme and see who gets
|
|
2313
|
+
struck by lightning first.
|
|
2314
|
+
%
|
|
2315
|
+
Q: How do you save a drowning lawyer?
|
|
2316
|
+
A: Throw him a rock.
|
|
2317
|
+
%
|
|
2318
|
+
Q: How do you shoot a blue elephant?
|
|
2319
|
+
A: With a blue-elephant gun.
|
|
2320
|
+
|
|
2321
|
+
Q: How do you shoot a pink elephant?
|
|
2322
|
+
A: Twist its trunk until it turns blue, then shoot it with
|
|
2323
|
+
a blue-elephant gun.
|
|
2324
|
+
%
|
|
2325
|
+
Q: How do you stop an elephant from charging?
|
|
2326
|
+
A: Take away his credit cards.
|
|
2327
|
+
%
|
|
2328
|
+
Q: How does a hacker fix a function which
|
|
2329
|
+
doesn't work for all of the elements in its domain?
|
|
2330
|
+
A: He changes the domain.
|
|
2331
|
+
%
|
|
2332
|
+
Q: How does the Polish Constitution differ from the American?
|
|
2333
|
+
A: Under the Polish Constitution citizens are guaranteed freedom of
|
|
2334
|
+
speech, but under the United States constitution they are
|
|
2335
|
+
guaranteed freedom after speech.
|
|
2336
|
+
-- being told in Poland, 1987
|
|
2337
|
+
%
|
|
2338
|
+
Q: How many Bell Labs Vice Presidents does it take to change a light bulb?
|
|
2339
|
+
A: That's proprietary information. Answer available from AT&T on payment
|
|
2340
|
+
of license fee (binary only).
|
|
2341
|
+
%
|
|
2342
|
+
Q: How many bureaucrats does it take to screw in a light bulb?
|
|
2343
|
+
A: Two. One to assure everyone that everything possible is being
|
|
2344
|
+
done while the other screws the bulb into the water faucet.
|
|
2345
|
+
%
|
|
2346
|
+
Q: How many Californians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
|
|
2347
|
+
A: Five. One to screw in the light bulb and four to share the
|
|
2348
|
+
experience. (Actually, Californians don't screw in
|
|
2349
|
+
light bulbs, they screw in hot tubs.)
|
|
2350
|
+
|
|
2351
|
+
Q: How many Oregonians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
|
|
2352
|
+
A: Three. One to screw in the light bulb and two to fend off all
|
|
2353
|
+
those Californians trying to share the experience.
|
|
2354
|
+
%
|
|
2355
|
+
Q: How many college football players does it take to screw in a light bulb?
|
|
2356
|
+
A: Only one, but he gets three credits for it.
|
|
2357
|
+
%
|
|
2358
|
+
Q: How many DEC repairman does it take to fix a flat?
|
|
2359
|
+
A: Five; four to hold the car up and one to swap tires.
|
|
2360
|
+
|
|
2361
|
+
Q: How long does it take?
|
|
2362
|
+
A: It's indeterminate.
|
|
2363
|
+
It will depend upon how many flats they've brought with them.
|
|
2364
|
+
|
|
2365
|
+
Q: What happens if you've got TWO flats?
|
|
2366
|
+
A: They replace your generator.
|
|
2367
|
+
%
|
|
2368
|
+
Q: How many elephants can you fit in a VW Bug?
|
|
2369
|
+
A: Four. Two in the front, two in the back.
|
|
2370
|
+
|
|
2371
|
+
Q: How can you tell if an elephant is in your refrigerator?
|
|
2372
|
+
A: There's a footprint in the mayo.
|
|
2373
|
+
|
|
2374
|
+
Q: How can you tell if two elephants are in your refrigerator?
|
|
2375
|
+
A: There's two footprints in the mayo.
|
|
2376
|
+
|
|
2377
|
+
Q: How can you tell if three elephants are in your refrigerator?
|
|
2378
|
+
A: The door won't shut.
|
|
2379
|
+
|
|
2380
|
+
Q: How can you tell if four elephants are in your refrigerator?
|
|
2381
|
+
A: There's a VW Bug in your driveway.
|
|
2382
|
+
%
|
|
2383
|
+
Q: How many existentialists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
|
|
2384
|
+
A: Two. One to screw it in and one to observe how the light bulb
|
|
2385
|
+
itself symbolizes a single incandescent beacon of subjective
|
|
2386
|
+
reality in a netherworld of endless absurdity reaching out toward a
|
|
2387
|
+
maudlin cosmos of nothingness.
|
|
2388
|
+
%
|
|
2389
|
+
Q: How many gradual (sorry, that's supposed to be "graduate") students
|
|
2390
|
+
does it take to screw in a light bulb?
|
|
2391
|
+
A: "I'm afraid we don't know, but make my stipend tax-free, give my
|
|
2392
|
+
advisor a $30,000 grant of the taxpayer's money, and I'm sure he
|
|
2393
|
+
can tell me how to do the gruntwork for him so he can take the
|
|
2394
|
+
credit for answering this incredibly vital question."
|
|
2395
|
+
%
|
|
2396
|
+
Q: How many hardware engineers does it take to change a light bulb?
|
|
2397
|
+
A: None. We'll fix it in software.
|
|
2398
|
+
|
|
2399
|
+
Q: How many system programmers does it take to change a light bulb?
|
|
2400
|
+
A: None. The application can work around it.
|
|
2401
|
+
|
|
2402
|
+
Q: How many software engineers does it take to change a light bulb?
|
|
2403
|
+
A: None. We'll document it in the manual.
|
|
2404
|
+
|
|
2405
|
+
Q: How many tech writers does it take to change a light bulb?
|
|
2406
|
+
A: None. The user can figure it out.
|
|
2407
|
+
%
|
|
2408
|
+
Q: How many Harvard MBA's does it take to screw in a light bulb?
|
|
2409
|
+
A: Just one. He grasps it firmly and the universe revolves around him.
|
|
2410
|
+
%
|
|
2411
|
+
Q: How many IBM 370's does it take to execute a job?
|
|
2412
|
+
A: Four, three to hold it down, and one to rip its head off.
|
|
2413
|
+
%
|
|
2414
|
+
Q: How many IBM CPU's does it take to do a logical right shift?
|
|
2415
|
+
A: 33. 1 to hold the bits and 32 to push the register.
|
|
2416
|
+
%
|
|
2417
|
+
Q: How many IBM types does it take to change a light bulb?
|
|
2418
|
+
A: Fifteen. One to do it, and fourteen to write document number
|
|
2419
|
+
GC7500439-0001, Multitasking Incandescent Source System Facility,
|
|
2420
|
+
of which 10% of the pages state only "This page intentionally
|
|
2421
|
+
left blank", and 20% of the definitions are of the form "A:.....
|
|
2422
|
+
consists of sequences of non-blank characters separated by blanks".
|
|
2423
|
+
%
|
|
2424
|
+
Q: How many journalists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
|
|
2425
|
+
A: Three. One to report it as an inspired government program to bring
|
|
2426
|
+
light to the people, one to report it as a diabolical government plot
|
|
2427
|
+
to deprive the poor of darkness, and one to win a Pulitzer prize for
|
|
2428
|
+
reporting that Electric Company hired a light bulb-assassin to break
|
|
2429
|
+
the bulb in the first place.
|
|
2430
|
+
%
|
|
2431
|
+
Q: How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
|
|
2432
|
+
A: One. Only it's his light bulb when he's done.
|
|
2433
|
+
%
|
|
2434
|
+
Q: How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
|
|
2435
|
+
A: Whereas the party of the first part, also known as "Lawyer", and the
|
|
2436
|
+
party of the second part, also known as "Light Bulb", do hereby and forthwith
|
|
2437
|
+
agree to a transaction wherein the party of the second part shall be removed
|
|
2438
|
+
from the current position as a result of failure to perform previously agreed
|
|
2439
|
+
upon duties, i.e., the lighting, elucidation, and otherwise illumination of
|
|
2440
|
+
the area ranging from the front (north) door, through the entryway, terminating
|
|
2441
|
+
at an area just inside the primary living area, demarcated by the beginning of
|
|
2442
|
+
the carpet, any spillover illumination being at the option of the party of the
|
|
2443
|
+
second part and not required by the aforementioned agreement between the
|
|
2444
|
+
parties.
|
|
2445
|
+
The aforementioned removal transaction shall include, but not be
|
|
2446
|
+
limited to, the following. The party of the first part shall, with or without
|
|
2447
|
+
elevation at his option, by means of a chair, stepstool, ladder or any other
|
|
2448
|
+
means of elevation, grasp the party of the second part and rotate the party
|
|
2449
|
+
of the second part in a counter-clockwise direction, this point being tendered
|
|
2450
|
+
non-negotiable. Upon reaching a point where the party of the second part
|
|
2451
|
+
becomes fully detached from the receptacle, the party of the first part shall
|
|
2452
|
+
have the option of disposing of the party of the second part in a manner
|
|
2453
|
+
consistent with all relevant and applicable local, state and federal statutes.
|
|
2454
|
+
Once separation and disposal have been achieved, the party of the first part
|
|
2455
|
+
shall have the option of beginning installation. Aforesaid installation shall
|
|
2456
|
+
occur in a manner consistent with the reverse of the procedures described in
|
|
2457
|
+
step one of this self-same document, being careful to note that the rotation
|
|
2458
|
+
should occur in a clockwise direction, this point also being non-negotiable.
|
|
2459
|
+
The above described steps may be performed, at the option of the party of the
|
|
2460
|
+
first part, by any or all agents authorized by him, the objective being to
|
|
2461
|
+
produce the most possible revenue for the Partnership.
|
|
2462
|
+
%
|
|
2463
|
+
Q: How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
|
|
2464
|
+
A: You won't find a lawyer who can change a light bulb. Now, if
|
|
2465
|
+
you're looking for a lawyer to screw a light bulb...
|
|
2466
|
+
%
|
|
2467
|
+
Q: How many marketing people does it take to change a light bulb?
|
|
2468
|
+
A: I'll have to get back to you on that.
|
|
2469
|
+
%
|
|
2470
|
+
Q: How many Martians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
|
|
2471
|
+
A: One and a half.
|
|
2472
|
+
%
|
|
2473
|
+
Q: How many Marxists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
|
|
2474
|
+
A: None: The light bulb contains the seeds of its own revolution.
|
|
2475
|
+
%
|
|
2476
|
+
Q: How many mathematicians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
|
|
2477
|
+
A: One. He gives it to six Californians, thereby reducing the problem
|
|
2478
|
+
to the earlier joke.
|
|
2479
|
+
%
|
|
2480
|
+
Q: How many members of the U.S.S. Enterprise does it take to change a
|
|
2481
|
+
light bulb?
|
|
2482
|
+
A: Seven. Scotty has to report to Captain Kirk that the light bulb in
|
|
2483
|
+
the Engineering Section is getting dim, at which point Kirk will send
|
|
2484
|
+
Bones to pronounce the bulb dead (although he'll immediately claim
|
|
2485
|
+
that he's a doctor, not an electrician). Scotty, after checking
|
|
2486
|
+
around, realizes that they have no more new light bulbs, and complains
|
|
2487
|
+
that he "canna" see in the dark. Kirk will make an emergency stop at
|
|
2488
|
+
the next uncharted planet, Alpha Regula IV, to procure a light bulb
|
|
2489
|
+
from the natives, who, are friendly, but seem to be hiding something.
|
|
2490
|
+
Kirk, Spock, Bones, Yeoman Rand and two red shirt security officers
|
|
2491
|
+
beam down to the planet, where the two security officers are promply
|
|
2492
|
+
killed by the natives, and the rest of the landing party is captured.
|
|
2493
|
+
As something begins to develop between the Captain and Yeoman Rand,
|
|
2494
|
+
Scotty, back in orbit, is attacked by a Klingon destroyer and must
|
|
2495
|
+
warp out of orbit. Although badly outgunned, he cripples the Klingon
|
|
2496
|
+
and races back to the planet in order to rescue Kirk et. al. who have
|
|
2497
|
+
just saved the natives' from an awful fate and, as a reward, been
|
|
2498
|
+
given all light bulbs they can carry. The new bulb is then inserted
|
|
2499
|
+
and the Enterprise continues on its five year mission.
|
|
2500
|
+
%
|
|
2501
|
+
Q: How many Oregonians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
|
|
2502
|
+
A: Three. One to screw in the light bulb and two to fend off all those
|
|
2503
|
+
Californians trying to share the experience.
|
|
2504
|
+
%
|
|
2505
|
+
Q: How many psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb?
|
|
2506
|
+
A: Only one, but it takes a long time, and the light bulb has
|
|
2507
|
+
to really want to change.
|
|
2508
|
+
%
|
|
2509
|
+
Q: How many supply-siders does it take to change a light bulb?
|
|
2510
|
+
A: None. The darkness will cause the light bulb to change by itself.
|
|
2511
|
+
%
|
|
2512
|
+
Q: How many surrealists does it take to change a light bulb?
|
|
2513
|
+
A: Two, one to hold the giraffe, and the other to fill the bathtub
|
|
2514
|
+
with brightly colored machine tools.
|
|
2515
|
+
|
|
2516
|
+
[Surrealist jokes just aren't my cup of fur. Ed.]
|
|
2517
|
+
%
|
|
2518
|
+
Q: How many WASPs does it take to change a light bulb?
|
|
2519
|
+
A: One.
|
|
2520
|
+
%
|
|
2521
|
+
Q: How many Zen masters does it take to screw in a light bulb?
|
|
2522
|
+
A: None. The Universe spins the bulb, and the Zen master stays out
|
|
2523
|
+
of the way.
|
|
2524
|
+
%
|
|
2525
|
+
Q: How much does it cost to ride the Unibus?
|
|
2526
|
+
A: 2 bits.
|
|
2527
|
+
%
|
|
2528
|
+
Q: How was Thomas J. Watson buried?
|
|
2529
|
+
A: 9 edge down.
|
|
2530
|
+
%
|
|
2531
|
+
Q: Know what the difference between your latest project
|
|
2532
|
+
and putting wings on an elephant is?
|
|
2533
|
+
A: Who knows? The elephant *might* fly, heh, heh...
|
|
2534
|
+
%
|
|
2535
|
+
Q: Minnesotans ask, "Why aren't there more pharmacists from Alabama?"
|
|
2536
|
+
A: Easy. It's because they can't figure out how to get the little
|
|
2537
|
+
bottles into the typewriter.
|
|
2538
|
+
%
|
|
2539
|
+
Q: What did Tarzan say when he saw the elephants coming over the hill?
|
|
2540
|
+
A: "The elephants are coming over the hill."
|
|
2541
|
+
|
|
2542
|
+
Q: What did he say when saw them coming over the hill wearing
|
|
2543
|
+
sunglasses?
|
|
2544
|
+
A: Nothing, for he didn't recognize them.
|
|
2545
|
+
%
|
|
2546
|
+
Q: What do agnostic, insomniac dyslexics do at night?
|
|
2547
|
+
A: Stay awake and wonder if there's a dog.
|
|
2548
|
+
%
|
|
2549
|
+
Q: What do little WASPs want to be when they grow up?
|
|
2550
|
+
A: The very best person they can possibly be.
|
|
2551
|
+
%
|
|
2552
|
+
Q: What do monsters eat?
|
|
2553
|
+
A: Things.
|
|
2554
|
+
|
|
2555
|
+
Q: What do monsters drink?
|
|
2556
|
+
A: Coke. (Because Things go better with Coke.)
|
|
2557
|
+
%
|
|
2558
|
+
Q: What do they call the alphabet in Arkansas?
|
|
2559
|
+
A: The impossible dream.
|
|
2560
|
+
%
|
|
2561
|
+
Q: What do Winnie the Pooh and John the Baptist have in common?
|
|
2562
|
+
A: The same middle name.
|
|
2563
|
+
%
|
|
2564
|
+
Q: What do you call 15 blondes in a circle?
|
|
2565
|
+
A: A dope ring.
|
|
2566
|
+
|
|
2567
|
+
Q: Why do blondes put their hair in ponytails?
|
|
2568
|
+
A: To cover up the valve stem.
|
|
2569
|
+
%
|
|
2570
|
+
Q: What do you call a blind pre-historic animal?
|
|
2571
|
+
A: Diyathinkhesaurus.
|
|
2572
|
+
|
|
2573
|
+
Q: What do you call a blind pre-historic animal with a dog?
|
|
2574
|
+
A: Diyathinkhesaurus Rex.
|
|
2575
|
+
%
|
|
2576
|
+
Q: What do you call a blind, deaf-mute, quadraplegic Virginian?
|
|
2577
|
+
A: Trustworthy.
|
|
2578
|
+
%
|
|
2579
|
+
Q: What do you call a boomerang that doesn't come back?
|
|
2580
|
+
A: A stick.
|
|
2581
|
+
%
|
|
2582
|
+
Q: What do you call a half-dozen Indians with Asian flu?
|
|
2583
|
+
A: Six sick Sikhs (sic).
|
|
2584
|
+
%
|
|
2585
|
+
Q: What do you call a principal female opera singer whose high C
|
|
2586
|
+
is lower than those of other principal female opera singers?
|
|
2587
|
+
A: A deep C diva.
|
|
2588
|
+
%
|
|
2589
|
+
Q: What do you call a WASP who doesn't work for his father, isn't a
|
|
2590
|
+
lawyer, and believes in social causes?
|
|
2591
|
+
A: A failure.
|
|
2592
|
+
%
|
|
2593
|
+
Q: What do you call the money you pay to the government when
|
|
2594
|
+
you ride into the country on the back of an elephant?
|
|
2595
|
+
A: A howdah duty.
|
|
2596
|
+
%
|
|
2597
|
+
Q: What do you call the scratches that you get when a female
|
|
2598
|
+
sheep bites you?
|
|
2599
|
+
A: Ewe nicks.
|
|
2600
|
+
%
|
|
2601
|
+
Q: What do you get when you cross a mobster with an international standard?
|
|
2602
|
+
A: You get someone who makes you an offer that you can't understand!
|
|
2603
|
+
%
|
|
2604
|
+
Q: What do you get when you cross the Godfather with an attorney?
|
|
2605
|
+
A: An offer you can't understand.
|
|
2606
|
+
%
|
|
2607
|
+
Q: What do you have when you have a lawyer buried up to his neck in sand?
|
|
2608
|
+
A: Not enough sand.
|
|
2609
|
+
%
|
|
2610
|
+
Q: What do you say to a New Yorker with a job?
|
|
2611
|
+
A: Big Mac, fries and a Coke, please!
|
|
2612
|
+
%
|
|
2613
|
+
Q: What does a WASP Mom make for dinner?
|
|
2614
|
+
A: A crisp salad, a hearty soup, a lovely entree, followed by
|
|
2615
|
+
a delicious dessert.
|
|
2616
|
+
%
|
|
2617
|
+
Q: What does it say on the bottom of Coke cans in North Dakota?
|
|
2618
|
+
A: Open other end.
|
|
2619
|
+
%
|
|
2620
|
+
Q: What happens when four WASPs find themselves in the same room?
|
|
2621
|
+
A: A dinner party.
|
|
2622
|
+
%
|
|
2623
|
+
Q: What is green and lives in the ocean?
|
|
2624
|
+
A: Moby Pickle.
|
|
2625
|
+
%
|
|
2626
|
+
Q: What is orange and goes "click, click?"
|
|
2627
|
+
A: A ball point carrot.
|
|
2628
|
+
%
|
|
2629
|
+
Q: What is printed on the bottom of beer bottles in Minnesota?
|
|
2630
|
+
A: Open other end.
|
|
2631
|
+
%
|
|
2632
|
+
Q: What is purple and commutes?
|
|
2633
|
+
A: An Abelian grape.
|
|
2634
|
+
%
|
|
2635
|
+
Q: What is purple and conquered the world?
|
|
2636
|
+
A: Alexander the Grape.
|
|
2637
|
+
%
|
|
2638
|
+
Q: What is the difference between a duck?
|
|
2639
|
+
A: One leg is both the same.
|
|
2640
|
+
%
|
|
2641
|
+
Q: What is the difference between Texas and yogurt?
|
|
2642
|
+
A: Yogurt has culture.
|
|
2643
|
+
%
|
|
2644
|
+
Q: What is the sound of one cat napping?
|
|
2645
|
+
A: Mu.
|
|
2646
|
+
%
|
|
2647
|
+
Q: What lies on the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
|
|
2648
|
+
A: A nervous wreck.
|
|
2649
|
+
%
|
|
2650
|
+
Q: What looks like a cat, flies like a bat, brays like a donkey, and
|
|
2651
|
+
plays like a monkey?
|
|
2652
|
+
A: Nothing.
|
|
2653
|
+
%
|
|
2654
|
+
Q: What's a light-year?
|
|
2655
|
+
A: One-third less calories than a regular year.
|
|
2656
|
+
%
|
|
2657
|
+
Q: What's a WASP's idea of open-mindedness?
|
|
2658
|
+
A: Dating a Canadian.
|
|
2659
|
+
%
|
|
2660
|
+
Q: What's buried in Grant's tomb?
|
|
2661
|
+
A: A corpse.
|
|
2662
|
+
%
|
|
2663
|
+
Q: What's hard going in and soft and sticky coming out?
|
|
2664
|
+
A: Chewing gum.
|
|
2665
|
+
%
|
|
2666
|
+
Q: What's tan and black and looks great on a lawyer?
|
|
2667
|
+
A: A doberman.
|
|
2668
|
+
%
|
|
2669
|
+
Q: What's the contour integral around Western Europe?
|
|
2670
|
+
A: Zero, because all the Poles are in Eastern Europe!
|
|
2671
|
+
|
|
2672
|
+
Addendum: Actually, there ARE some Poles in Western Europe, but they
|
|
2673
|
+
are removable!
|
|
2674
|
+
|
|
2675
|
+
Q: An English mathematician (I forgot who) was asked by his
|
|
2676
|
+
very religious colleague: Do you believe in one God?
|
|
2677
|
+
A: Yes, up to isomorphism!
|
|
2678
|
+
|
|
2679
|
+
Q: What is a compact city?
|
|
2680
|
+
A: It's a city that can be guarded by finitely many near-sighted
|
|
2681
|
+
policemen!
|
|
2682
|
+
-- Peter Lax
|
|
2683
|
+
%
|
|
2684
|
+
Q: What's the difference betweeen USL and the Graf Zeppelin?
|
|
2685
|
+
A: The Graf Zeppelin represented cutting edge technology for its time.
|
|
2686
|
+
%
|
|
2687
|
+
Q: What's the difference between a dead dog in the road and a dead
|
|
2688
|
+
lawyer in the road?
|
|
2689
|
+
A: There are skid marks in front of the dog.
|
|
2690
|
+
%
|
|
2691
|
+
Q: What's the difference between a duck and an elephant?
|
|
2692
|
+
A: You can't get down off an elephant.
|
|
2693
|
+
%
|
|
2694
|
+
Q: What's the difference between a Mac and an Etch-a-Sketch?
|
|
2695
|
+
A: You don't have to shake the Mac to clear the screen.
|
|
2696
|
+
%
|
|
2697
|
+
Q: What's the difference between an Irish wedding and an Irish wake?
|
|
2698
|
+
A: One less drunk.
|
|
2699
|
+
%
|
|
2700
|
+
Q: What's the difference between Bell Labs and the Boy Scouts of America?
|
|
2701
|
+
A: The Boy Scouts have adult supervision.
|
|
2702
|
+
%
|
|
2703
|
+
Q: What's the difference between the 1950's and the 1980's?
|
|
2704
|
+
A: In the 80's, a man walks into a drugstore and states loudly, "I'd
|
|
2705
|
+
like some condoms," and then, leaning over the counter, whispers,
|
|
2706
|
+
"and some cigarettes."
|
|
2707
|
+
%
|
|
2708
|
+
Q: What's the difference between USL and the Titanic?
|
|
2709
|
+
A: The Titanic had a band.
|
|
2710
|
+
%
|
|
2711
|
+
Q: What's tiny and yellow and very, very, dangerous?
|
|
2712
|
+
A: A canary with the super-user password.
|
|
2713
|
+
%
|
|
2714
|
+
Q: What's yellow, and equivalent to the Axiom of Choice?
|
|
2715
|
+
A: Zorn's Lemon.
|
|
2716
|
+
%
|
|
2717
|
+
Q: Where's the Lone Ranger take his garbage?
|
|
2718
|
+
A: To the dump, to the dump, to the dump dump dump!
|
|
2719
|
+
|
|
2720
|
+
Q: What's the Pink Panther say when he steps on an ant hill?
|
|
2721
|
+
A: Dead ant, dead ant, dead ant dead ant dead ant...
|
|
2722
|
+
%
|
|
2723
|
+
Q: Who cuts the grass on Walton's Mountain?
|
|
2724
|
+
A: Lawn Boy.
|
|
2725
|
+
%
|
|
2726
|
+
Q: Why did Menachem Begin invade Lebanon?
|
|
2727
|
+
A: To impress Jodie Foster.
|
|
2728
|
+
%
|
|
2729
|
+
Q: Why did the astrophysicist order three hamburgers?
|
|
2730
|
+
A: Because he was hungry.
|
|
2731
|
+
%
|
|
2732
|
+
Q: Why did the chicken cross the road?
|
|
2733
|
+
A: He was giving it last rites.
|
|
2734
|
+
%
|
|
2735
|
+
Q: Why did the chicken cross the road?
|
|
2736
|
+
A: To see his friend Gregory peck.
|
|
2737
|
+
|
|
2738
|
+
Q: Why did the chicken cross the playground?
|
|
2739
|
+
A: To get to the other slide.
|
|
2740
|
+
%
|
|
2741
|
+
Q: Why did the germ cross the microscope?
|
|
2742
|
+
A: To get to the other slide.
|
|
2743
|
+
%
|
|
2744
|
+
Q: Why did the lone ranger kill Tonto?
|
|
2745
|
+
A: He found out what "kimosabe" really means.
|
|
2746
|
+
%
|
|
2747
|
+
Q: Why did the programmer call his mother long distance?
|
|
2748
|
+
A: Because that was her name.
|
|
2749
|
+
%
|
|
2750
|
+
Q: Why did the tachyon cross the road?
|
|
2751
|
+
A: Because it was on the other side.
|
|
2752
|
+
%
|
|
2753
|
+
Q: Why did the WASP cross the road?
|
|
2754
|
+
A: To get to the middle.
|
|
2755
|
+
%
|
|
2756
|
+
Q: Why do ducks have big flat feet?
|
|
2757
|
+
A: To stamp out forest fires.
|
|
2758
|
+
|
|
2759
|
+
Q: Why do elephants have big flat feet?
|
|
2760
|
+
A: To stamp out flaming ducks.
|
|
2761
|
+
%
|
|
2762
|
+
Q: Why do firemen wear red suspenders?
|
|
2763
|
+
A: To conform with departmental regulations concerning uniform dress.
|
|
2764
|
+
%
|
|
2765
|
+
Q: Why do mountain climbers rope themselves together?
|
|
2766
|
+
A: To prevent the sensible ones from going home.
|
|
2767
|
+
%
|
|
2768
|
+
Q: Why do people who live near Niagara Falls have flat foreheads?
|
|
2769
|
+
A: Because every morning they wake up thinking "What *is* that noise?
|
|
2770
|
+
Oh, right, *of course*!
|
|
2771
|
+
%
|
|
2772
|
+
Q: Why do the police always travel in threes?
|
|
2773
|
+
A: One to do the reading, one to do the writing, and the other keeps
|
|
2774
|
+
an eye on the two intellectuals.
|
|
2775
|
+
%
|
|
2776
|
+
Q: Why do WASPs play golf ?
|
|
2777
|
+
A: So they can dress like pimps.
|
|
2778
|
+
%
|
|
2779
|
+
Q: Why does Washington have the most lawyers per capita and
|
|
2780
|
+
New Jersey the most toxic waste dumps?
|
|
2781
|
+
A: God gave New Jersey first choice.
|
|
2782
|
+
%
|
|
2783
|
+
Q: Why don't lawyers go to the beach?
|
|
2784
|
+
A: The cats keep trying to bury them.
|
|
2785
|
+
%
|
|
2786
|
+
Q: Why don't Scotsmen ever have coffee the way they like it?
|
|
2787
|
+
A: Well, they like it with two lumps of sugar. If they drink
|
|
2788
|
+
it at home, they only take one, and if they drink it while
|
|
2789
|
+
visiting, they always take three.
|
|
2790
|
+
%
|
|
2791
|
+
Q: Why haven't you graduated yet?
|
|
2792
|
+
A: Well, Dad, I could have finished years ago, but I wanted
|
|
2793
|
+
my dissertation to rhyme.
|
|
2794
|
+
%
|
|
2795
|
+
Q: Why is Christmas just like a day at the office?
|
|
2796
|
+
A: You do all of the work and the fat guy in the suit
|
|
2797
|
+
gets all the credit.
|
|
2798
|
+
%
|
|
2799
|
+
Q: Why is it that the more accuracy you demand from an interpolation
|
|
2800
|
+
function, the more expensive it becomes to compute?
|
|
2801
|
+
A: That's the Law of Spline Demand.
|
|
2802
|
+
%
|
|
2803
|
+
Q: Why is Poland just like the United States?
|
|
2804
|
+
A: In the United States you can't buy anything for zlotys and in
|
|
2805
|
+
Poland you can't either, while in the U.S. you can get whatever
|
|
2806
|
+
you want for dollars, just as you can in Poland.
|
|
2807
|
+
-- being told in Poland, 1987
|
|
2808
|
+
%
|
|
2809
|
+
Q: Why should you always serve a Southern Carolina football man
|
|
2810
|
+
soup in a plate?
|
|
2811
|
+
A: 'Cause if you give him a bowl, he'll throw it away.
|
|
2812
|
+
%
|
|
2813
|
+
Q: Why was Stonehenge abandoned?
|
|
2814
|
+
A: It wasn't IBM compatible.
|
|
2815
|
+
%
|