fbomb 1.0.0 → 2.0.0

data/lib/fbomb/commands/builtin.rb

@@ -1,4 +1,194 @@
 FBomb {
+##
+#
+  command(:hai){
+    help 'say hai'
+
+    call do |*args|
+      speak('hai')
+    end
+  }
+
+##
+#
+  command(:speak){
+    help 'say *args'
+
+    call do |*args|
+      speak(args.map{|arg| arg.to_s}.join(' '))
+    end
+  }
+
+##
+#
+  command(:paste){
+    help 'paste *args'
+
+    call do |*args|
+      paste(args.map{|arg| arg.to_s}.join(' '))
+    end
+  }
+
+##
+#
+  command(:cheat){
+    help 'some useful cheat sheats'
+
+    index = <<-__
+      http://www.emoji-cheat-sheet.com/
+    __
+
+    call do |*args|
+      paste(index)
+    end
+  }
+
+##
+#
+  # FIXME
+  command(:foaas){
+    help "Fuck Off As A Service - http://foaas.com/"
+
+    index = <<-__
+      /off/:name/:from
+      /you/:name/:from
+      /this/:from
+      /that/:from
+      /everything/:from
+      /everyone/:from
+      /donut/:name/:from
+      /shakespeare/:name/:from
+      /linus/:name/:from
+      /king/:name/:from
+      /pink/:from
+      /life/:from
+      /chainsaw/:name/:from
+      /:thing/:from
+      /thanks/:from
+      /flying/:from
+      /fascinating/:from
+    __
+
+    call do |*args|
+      op = args.shift.to_s.downcase.strip
+
+      case op
+        when '', 'help'
+          paste(index)
+        else
+          url = ['http://foaas.com', op, *args].join('/')
+          fuck_off = `curl --silent -H 'Accept: text/plain' #{ url.inspect }`
+          speak(fuck_off)
+      end
+    end
+  }
+
+
+=begin
+
+  /off/:name/:from
+  /you/:name/:from
+  /this/:from
+  /that/:from
+  /everything/:from
+  /everyone/:from
+  /donut/:name/:from
+  /shakespeare/:name/:from
+  /linus/:name/:from
+  /king/:name/:from
+  /pink/:from
+  /life/:from
+  /chainsaw/:name/:from
+  /:thing/:from
+  /thanks/:from
+  /flying/:from
+  /fascinating/:from
+
+=end
+
+
+##
+#
+  command(:planet) {
+    help "With me you will take off.  http://imgur.com/a/Ilw2G."
+
+    call do |*args|
+      basenames = %w[
+        1dEzGbz.jpg
+        3aASzbv.jpg
+        BCfEwgl.jpg
+        EPbgqjy.jpg
+        FoiDgwc.jpg
+        HJiUPV2.jpg
+        KOcvGjw.jpg
+        L5n5lPK.jpg
+        MaGKipv.jpg
+        nWqdkF7.jpg
+        QVRALtz.jpg
+        W3fWkTZ.jpg
+        w41sv1T.jpg
+        xySa4GD.jpg
+        yzw8pOQ.jpg
+      ]
+
+      basename = basenames.sort_by{ rand }.first
+      url = File.join('https://raw.github.com/ahoward/fbomb/master/images/planet', basename)
+      speak(url)
+    end
+  }
+
+##
+#
+  command(:chuckle) {
+    help "Ha ha, very funny."
+    setup{ require "google-search" }
+
+    call do |*args|
+      uris = []
+      images = Google::Search::Image.new(:query => 'funny safety signs', :image_size => :medium)
+      images.each { |result| uris << result.uri }
+      speak(uris.sort_by { rand }.first)
+    end
+  }
+
+##
+#
+  # FIXME
+  command(:elevator){
+    help "Give me the pitch."
+
+    call do |*args|
+      message = [
+        "We're %s %s.",
+        "I said \"%s %s\" and the flow got really quiet.",
+        "We are going after a billion-dollar market with %s %s.",
+        "If you can't sell %s %s, you can't sell anything.",
+        "I've got it! \"Sometimes you feel like a nut, sometimes you're %s %s.\""
+      ].sort_by { rand }.first
+
+      description = `curl --silent 'http://itsthisforthat.com/api.php?text'`
+      re = %r|So, Basically, It's Like A (.*)\.|
+      description.tap do |string|
+        string.sub!(/^So, Basically, It's Like A /, '').
+        string.chomp!(".")
+      end
+
+      article = description[0] =~ /^[aeiou]/i ? 'an' : 'a'
+
+      speak(format(message, article, description))
+    end
+  }
+##
+#
+  command(:reload){
+    help 'reload fbomb commands'
+
+    call do |*args|
+      FBomb::Command.table = FBomb::Command::Table.new
+      FBomb::Command.load(Command.command_paths)
+      speak('YOU MUST BE OVER 18 TO ENTER THIS SITE')
+    end
+  }
 
 ##
 #
@@ -9,12 +199,16 @@ FBomb {
 
     call do |*args|
       args.each do |arg|
-        word = CGI.escape(arg.strip)
-        url = "http://www.zachblume.com/apis/rhyme.php?format=xml&word=#{ word }"
-        data = `curl --silent #{ url.inspect }`
-        words = data.scan(%r|<word>([^<]*)</word>|).flatten
-        msg = words.join(" ")
-        speak(msg)
+        if arg.strip == 'orange'
+          speak('nothing rhymes with orange dumbass')
+        else
+          word = CGI.escape(arg.strip)
+          url = "http://www.zachblume.com/apis/rhyme.php?format=xml&word=#{ word }"
+          data = `curl --silent #{ url.inspect }`
+          words = data.scan(%r|<word>([^<]*)</word>|).flatten
+          msg = words.join(" ")
+          speak(msg)
+        end
       end
     end
   }
@@ -34,7 +228,11 @@ FBomb {
   command(:fukung) {
     call do |*args|
       tags = args.join(' ').strip.downcase
-      msg = Fukung.tag(tags).sort_by{ rand }.first(3).join("\n")
+      if tags.empty?
+        msg = Array(Fukung.random).sort_by{ rand }.first(3).join("\n")
+      else
+        msg = Fukung.tag(tags).sort_by{ rand }.first(3).join("\n")
+      end
       speak(msg) unless msg.strip.empty?
     end
   }
@@ -51,8 +249,17 @@ FBomb {
         when /image|img|i/i
           args.shift
           query = args.join(' ')
-          Google::Search::Image.new(:query => query, :image_size => :icon).each do |result|
-            msg << "#{ result.uri }\n"
+          @cache ||= []
+          images = Google::Search::Image.new(:query => query, :image_size => :small)
+          if images.any?
+            images.each do |result|
+              next if @cache.include? result.id
+              @cache << result.id
+              msg = "#{ result.uri }\n"
+              break
+            end
+          else
+            msg = "No results for: #{query}"
           end
         else
           query = args.join(' ')
@@ -64,6 +271,33 @@ FBomb {
     end
   }
 
+##
+#
+  command(:fail){
+    setup{ require "nokogiri"}
+
+    call do |*args|
+      msg = ""
+      query = CGI.escape(args.join(' ').strip)
+      url = "http://failblog.org/?s=#{query}"
+      data = `curl --silent #{ url.inspect }`
+      doc = Nokogiri::HTML(data)
+      images = doc.search('div.entry img').collect{|i| i.get_attribute('src')}
+      @cache ||= []
+      if images.any?
+        images.each do |result|
+          next if @cache.include? result
+          @cache << result
+          msg = "#{ result }\n"
+          break
+        end
+      else
+        msg = "No results for: #{query}"
+      end
+      speak(msg) unless msg.empty?
+    end
+  }
+
 ##
 #
   command(:gist) {
@@ -86,5 +320,482 @@ FBomb {
     end
   }
 
+##
+#
+  # FIXME
+  command(:xkcd) {
+    call do |*args|
+      id = args.shift || rand(1000)
+      url = "http://xkcd.com/#{ id }/"
+      html = `curl --silent #{ url.inspect }`
+      doc = Nokogiri::HTML(html)
+      links = []
+      doc.xpath('//h3').each do |node|
+        text = node.text
+        case text
+          when %r'Permanent link to this comic:', %r'hotlinking/embedding'
+            link = text.split(':').last
+            link = "http:#{ link }" unless link['://']
+            links << link
+        end
+      end
+      links.each do |link|
+        speak(link)
+      end
+    end
+  }
+
+##
+#
+  # FIXME
+  command(:goodfuckingdesignadvice) {
+    call do |*args|
+      url = "http://goodfuckingdesignadvice.com/index.php"
+      html = `curl --location --silent #{ url.inspect }`
+      doc = Nokogiri::HTML(html)
+      msg = nil
+      doc.xpath('//div').each do |node|
+        if node['class'] =~ /advice/
+          text = node.text
+          msg = text
+        end
+      end
+      speak(msg) if msg
+    end
+  }
+
+##
+#
+  command(:designquote) {
+    call do |*args|
+      url = "http://quotesondesign.com"
+      cmd = "curl --location --silent #{ url.inspect }"
+      html = `#{ cmd  }`
+      id = rand(10)
+      doc = Nokogiri::HTML(html)
+      msg = nil
+      doc.xpath('//div').each do |node|
+        if node['id'] =~ /post-/
+          text = node.text
+          break(msg = text)
+        end
+      end
+      if msg
+        msg = msg.gsub(%r'\[\s+permalink\s+\]', '').gsub(%r'\[\s+Tweet\s+This\s+\]', '').strip
+        msg = Unidecoder.decode(msg)
+        speak(msg)
+      end
+    end
+  }
+
+##
+#
+  command(:quote) {
+    call do |*args|
+      url = "http://iheartquotes.com/api/v1/random?format=html&max_lines=4&max_characters=420"
+      html = `curl --location --silent #{ url.inspect }`
+      doc = Nokogiri::HTML(html)
+      msg = nil
+      #<a target="_parent" href='http://iheartquotes.com/fortune/show/victory_uber_allies_'>Victory uber allies!</a>
+      doc.xpath('//div[@class="rbcontent"]/a').each do |node|
+        text = node.text
+        msg = text
+      end
+      speak(msg) if msg
+    end
+  }
+
+##
+#
+  command(:peeps){
+    call do |*args|
+      msgs = []
+      flow.users.each do |user|
+        name = user['name']
+        email = user['email']
+        avatar = user['avatar']
+        speak(avatar.gsub(%r|/+$|, '') + '.jpg')
+        speak("#{ name } // #{ email }")
+      end
+    end
+  }
+
+##
+#
+  command(:rawk){
+    call do |*args|
+      urls = %w(
+        http://s3.amazonaws.com/drawohara.com.images/angus1.gif
+        http://img.maniadb.com/images/artist/117/117027.jpg
+        http://images.starpulse.com/Photos/pv/Van%20Halen-7.JPG
+      )
+      speak(urls[rand(urls.size)])
+    end
+  }
+
+  command(:certified) {
+    call do |*args|
+      urls = %w(
+        http://blog.pravesh.me/files/2012/08/worksonmymachine.jpg
+        http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_CywCAU4HORs/S-HYtX4vOkI/AAAAAAAAAHw/Hzi5PYZOkrg/s320/ItWorksOnMyMachine.jpg
+        http://people.scs.carleton.ca/~mvvelzen/pH/works-on-my-machine-stamped.png
+        http://cdn.memegenerator.net/instances/400x/24722869.jpg
+        http://sd.keepcalm-o-matic.co.uk/i/keep-calm-it-works-on-my-machine.png
+      )
+      speak(urls[rand(urls.size)])
+    end
+  }
+
+##
+#
+  command(:meat){
+    call do |*args|
+      url = 'http://baconipsum.com/api/?type=meat-and-filler&paras=1'
+      data = `curl --silent #{ url.inspect }`
+      data.gsub!(/[\["\]]/, '')
+      speak(data)
+    end
+  }
+
+##
+#
+  command(:shaka){
+    call do |*args|
+      speak('http://s3.amazonaws.com/drawohara.com.images/shaka.jpg')
+    end
+  }
+
+##
+#
+  command(:unicorn){
+    setup{ require "google-search" }
+
+    urls = [
+      'http://dbprng00ikc2j.cloudfront.net/work/image/390379/d14s2l/20101223063430-exterface_unicorn_03.jpg',
+      'http://fc04.deviantart.net/fs51/f/2009/281/a/7/White_Unicorn_My_Little_Pony_by_Barkingmadd.jpg',
+      'http://th54.photobucket.com/albums/g119/jasonjmore/th_UnicornPeeingRainbow.jpg',
+      'http://th242.photobucket.com/albums/ff99/1010496/th_unicornpr0n.gif'
+    ]
+
+    call do |*args|
+      if args.first == 'bomb'
+        n = Integer(args[1] || [3, rand(10)].max)
+        images = Google::Search::Image.new(:query => 'unicorn', :image_size => :medium)
+        images = images.map{|result| result.uri}.uniq.sort_by{ rand }
+        n.times{ speak(msg = images.pop) }
+      else
+        speak(urls.sample)
+      end
+    end
+  }
+
+##
+#
+  command(:steve){
+    setup{ require "google-search" }
+
+    call do |*args|
+
+      images = Google::Search::Image.new(:query => 'french+club', :image_size => :medium)
+      images = images.map{|result| result.uri}.uniq.sort_by{ rand }
+      speak(msg = "Livraison spéciale pour Chaps Bailey!")
+      speak(msg = images.sample)
+    end
+  }
+
+##
+#
+  command(:yak){
+    setup{ require "google-search" }
+
+    call do |*args|
+
+      images = Google::Search::Image.new(:query => 'shaved+yak', :image_size => :medium)
+      images = images.map{|result| result.uri}.uniq.sort_by{ rand }
+      speak(msg = "Sometimes you just need a really close shave...")
+      speak(msg = images.sample)
+    end
+  }
+
+##
+#
+  command(:endoftheworld){
+    setup{ require "google-search" }
+
+    call do |*args|
+
+      images = Google::Search::Image.new(:query => 'end+of+the+world+2012', :image_size => :large)
+      images = images.map{|result| result.uri}.uniq.sort_by{ rand }
+      speak(msg = "It's the end of the world as we know it...")
+      speak(msg = images.sample)
+    end
+  }
+
+##
+#
+  command(:cookingwithgas) {
+    call do |*args|
+      images = Google::Search::Image.new(:query => 'cooking+with+gas+explosion', :image_size => :large)
+      images = images.map { |result| result.uri}.uniq.sort_by { rand }
+      speak(msg = ":boom: Now we are cooking with gas! :boom:")
+      speak(msg = images.sample)
+    end
+  }
+
+##
+#
+  command(:hug){
+    setup{ require "google-search" }
+
+    call do |*args|
+
+      images = Google::Search::Image.new(:query => 'fridayhug', :image_size => :medium)
+      images = images.map{|result| result.uri}.uniq.sort_by{ rand }
+      speak(msg = "Sometimes you just need a hug...")
+      speak(msg = images.sample)
+    end
+  }
+
+
+##
+#
+  command(:perfectlytimed){
+    setup{ require "google-search" }
+
+    call do |*args|
+
+      images = Google::Search::Image.new(:query => 'perfectly+timed+photos', :image_size => :large)
+      images = images.map{|result| result.uri}.uniq.sort_by{ rand }
+      speak(msg = "Shazam!")
+      speak(msg = images.sample)
+    end
+  }
+
+##
+#
+  command(:octocat){
+    setup{ require "google-search" }
+
+    call do |*args|
+
+      images = Google::Search::Image.new(:query => 'octocat+github', :image_size => :large)
+      images = images.map{|result| result.uri}.uniq.sort_by{ rand }
+      speak(msg = "Purrrrrrrr...")
+      speak(msg = images.sample)
+    end
+  }
+
+##
+#
+  command(:goodnews){
+    setup{ require "google-search" }
+
+    call do |*args|
+      images = Google::Search::Image.new(:query => 'good+news+everyone+futurama', :image_size => :large)
+      images = images.map{|result| result.uri}.uniq.sort_by{ rand }
+      speak(msg = images.sample)
+      speak(msg = args.join(" "))
+    end
+  }
+
+##
+#
+  command(:ship_it){
+    setup{ require "google-search" }
+
+    call do |*args|
+
+      images = Google::Search::Image.new(:query => 'github+ship+it+squirrel', :image_size => :large)
+      images = images.map{|result| result.uri}.uniq.sort_by{ rand }
+      speak(msg = ":shipit: Ship it already!")
+      speak(msg = "#{images.sample}#.png")
+    end
+  }
+
+##
+#
+  command(:confession) {
+    call do |*args|
+      url = "http://dj4confessions.wordpress.com/"
+      html = `curl --location --silent #{ url.inspect }`
+      doc = Nokogiri::HTML(html)
+      articles = doc.xpath("//article")
+      # articles = doc.xpath("//*[contains(concat(' ', @class, ' '), ' hentry ')]")
+      latest = articles.to_a
+      r = rand(14)
+      article = latest[r]
+      addressee = ":pray: " + article.css('header h1').text.strip.upcase
+      confession = article.css('.entry-content p').text.strip
+      getimgsrc = article.css('.entry-content img').collect{|i| i.get_attribute('src')}
+      image = getimgsrc.first
+      speak(image) if image
+      speak(addressee) if addressee
+      speak(confession) if confession
+    end
+  }
+
+##
+#
+  command(:quote) {
+    call do |*args|
+      url = "http://iheartquotes.com/api/v1/random?format=html&max_lines=4&max_characters=420"
+      html = `curl --location --silent #{ url.inspect }`
+      doc = Nokogiri::HTML(html)
+      msg = nil
+      #<a target="_parent" href='http://iheartquotes.com/fortune/show/victory_uber_allies_'>Victory uber allies!</a>
+      doc.xpath('//div[@class="rbcontent"]/a').each do |node|
+        text = node.text
+        msg = text
+      end
+      speak(msg) if msg
+    end
+  }
+
+##
+#
+  command(:peter){
+    setup{ require "google-search" }
+
+    call do |*args|
+
+      images = Google::Search::Image.new(:query => 'cheetara', :image_size => :medium)
+      images = images.map{|result| result.uri}.uniq.sort_by{ rand }
+      speak(msg = "<3 <3 <3 first crush OMG!!1!")
+      speak(msg = images.sample)
+    end
+  }
+
+##
+#
+  command(:movime){
+    setup{ require "google-search" }
+
+    call do |*args|
+
+      images = Google::Search::Image.new(:query => 'bovine', :image_size => :medium)
+      images = images.map{|result| result.uri}.uniq.sort_by{ rand }
+      speak(msg = "Rhymes with Bovine")
+      speak(msg = images.sample)
+    end
+  }
+
+##
+#
+  command(:ecard){
+    setup{ require "google-search" }
+
+    call do |*args|
+
+      images = Google::Search::Image.new(:query => 'ecard+site:someecards.com', :image_size => :large)
+      images = images.map{|result| result.uri}.uniq.sort_by{ rand }
+      speak(msg = "I was just thinking of you and...")
+      speak(msg = images.sample)
+    end
+  }
+
+##
+#
+  command(:yoda){
+    call do |*args|
+      phrase = args.join(' ').strip
+      url = 'http://www.yodaspeak.co.uk/index.php'
+      error = nil
+
+      if phrase.empty?
+        phrase = most_recent_comment
+      end
+
+      if phrase
+        agent = Mechanize.new
+        agent.open_timeout = 240
+        agent.read_timeout = 240
+
+        catch(:done) do
+          2.times do
+            begin
+              page = agent.get(url)
+
+              form = page.forms.detect{|form| form.fields.detect{|field| field.name == 'YodaMe'}}
+
+              form['YodaMe'] = phrase
+
+              result = form.submit
+
+              yoda_speak = result.search('textarea[name=YodaSpeak]').first.text
+
+              speak("Yoda: #{ yoda_speak }")
+              throw(:done)
+            rescue Object
+              next
+            end
+          end
+        end
+      end
+    end
+  }
+
+##
+#
+  command(:poop){
+    setup{ require "google-search" }
+
+    call do |*args|
+      images = Google::Search::Image.new(:query => 'poop', :image_size => :large)
+      images = images.map{|result| result.uri}.uniq.sort_by{ rand }
+      speak(msg = ":poop: coffee anyone?")
+      speak(msg = images.sample)
+    end
+  }
+
+  command(:itshappening){
+
+    call do |*args|
+      speak(msg = "What's happening?")
+      speak(msg = "http://i.imgur.com/vwMin.gif")
+    end
+  }
+
+  command(:willis){
+    call do |*args|
+      speak(msg = "Whatchu talkin bout Willis?")
+      speak(msg = "http://media.tumblr.com/tumblr_lpzmqsohLJ1qi7mx3.gif")
+    end
+  }
+
+  command(:miles){
+    call do |*args|
+      images = Google::Search::Image.new(:query => 'miles matthias', :image_size => :large)
+      images = images.map{|result| result.uri}.uniq.sort_by{ rand }
+      speak(msg = images.sample)
+    end
+  }
+
+  command(:lolcat){
+    call do |*args|
+      images = Google::Search::Image.new(:query => 'lolcat', :image_size => :large)
+      images = images.map{|result| result.uri}.uniq.sort_by{ rand }
+      speak(msg = images.sample)
+    end
+  }
+
+  command(:harlemshake){
+    call do |*args|
+      images = Google::Search::Image.new(:query => 'harlem shake gif', :image_size => :large)
+      images = images.map{|result| result.uri}.uniq.sort_by{ rand }
+      speak(msg = images.sample)
+    end
+  }
+
+  command(:lunch){
+    help "Get lunch recommendations near the dojo4 office"
+
+    call do |*args|
+      restaurants = Google::Search::Local.new(:query => 'lunch near 2030 17th Street Boulder, CO 80302')
+      restaurants = restaurants.map{|result| result.title}.uniq.sort_by{ rand }
+      speak(msg = "Why not try...")
+      speak(msg = restaurants.sample)
+      speak(msg = " instead of crap.")
+    end
+  }
 }