campfire-bot 0.1.0 → 1.0.0

data/plugins/bruce.rb

@@ -1,15 +0,0 @@
-require 'open-uri'
-require 'hpricot'
-require 'tempfile'
-
-class Bruce < CampfireBot::Plugin
-  on_command 'bruce', :fail
-  
-  def fail(msg)
-    # Scrape random fail
-    bruce = (Hpricot(open('http://www.schneierfacts.com/'))/'p.fact').first
-    msg.speak(CGI.unescapeHTML(bruce.inner_html))
-  rescue => e
-    msg.speak e
-  end
-end

data/plugins/bugzilla.rb

@@ -1,198 +0,0 @@
-require 'yaml'
-
-# Lookup bug titles and URLs when their number is mentioned or on command.
-#
-# You'll probably want to at least configure bugzilla_bug_url with the
-# URL to your bug tracking tool.  Put a '%s' where the bug ID should be
-# inserted.
-#
-# Several other options are available, including the interval in which
-# to avoid volunteering the same information, and whether to show the
-# url with the title.
-#
-# HTMLEntities will be used for better entity (–) decoding if
-# present, but is not required.
-#
-# Similarly, net/netrc will be used to supply HTTP Basic Auth
-# credentials, but only if it's available.
-#
-# While is designed to work with Bugzilla, it also works fine with:
-# * Debian bug tracking system
-# * KDE Bug tracking system
-# * Trac - if you configure to recognize "tickets" instead of "bugs"
-# * Redmine - if you configure to recognize "issues" instead of "bugs"
-class Bugzilla < CampfireBot::Plugin
-  on_command 'bug', :describe_command
-  # on_message registered below...
-
-  config_var :data_file, File.join(BOT_ROOT, 'tmp', 'bugzilla.yml')
-  config_var :min_period, 30.minutes
-  config_var :debug_enabled, false
-  config_var :bug_url, "https://bugzilla/show_bug.cgi?id=%s"
-  config_var :link_enabled, true
-  config_var :bug_id_pattern, '(?:[0-9]{3,6})'
-  config_var :bug_word_pattern, 'bugs?:?\s+'
-  config_var :mention_pattern,
-    '%2$s%1$s(?:(?:,\s*|,?\sand\s|,?\sor\s|\s+)%1$s)*'
-
-  attr_reader :bug_timestamps, :bug_id_regexp, :mention_regexp,
-    :use_htmlentities, :use_netrc
-
-  def initialize()
-    super
-    @bug_id_regexp = Regexp.new(bug_id_pattern, Regexp::IGNORECASE)
-    @mention_regexp = Regexp.new(sprintf(mention_pattern,
-                                         bug_id_pattern, bug_word_pattern),
-                      Regexp::IGNORECASE)
-    self.class.on_message mention_regexp, :describe_mention
-
-    @bug_timestamps = YAML::load(File.read(@data_file)) rescue {}
-    if link_enabled
-      require 'shorturl'
-    end
-
-    # Put this in the constructor so we don't fail to find htmlentities
-    # every time we fetch a bug title.
-    begin
-      require 'htmlentities'
-      @use_htmlentities = true
-    rescue LoadError
-      debug "Falling back to 'cgi', install 'htmlentities' better unescaping"
-      require 'cgi'
-    end
-    begin
-      require 'net/netrc'
-      @use_netrc = true
-    rescue LoadError
-      debug "Can't load 'net/netrc': HTTP Auth from .netrc will be unavailable"
-      require 'cgi'
-    end
-  end
-
-  def debug(spew)
-    $stderr.puts "#{self.class.name}: #{spew}" if debug_enabled
-  end
-
-  def describe_mention(msg)
-    debug "heard a mention"
-    match = msg[:message].match(mention_regexp)
-    describe_bugs msg, match.to_s, true
-  end
-
-  def describe_command(msg)
-    debug "received a command"
-    debug "msg[:message] = #{msg[:message].inspect}"
-    describe_bugs msg, msg[:message], false
-  end
-
-  protected
-
-  def describe_bugs(msg, text, check_timestamp)
-    summaries = text.to_s.scan(bug_id_regexp).collect { |bug|
-      debug "mentioned bug #{bug}"
-      now = Time.new
-      last_spoke = (bug_timestamps[msg[:room].name] ||= {})[bug]
-      if check_timestamp && !last_spoke.nil? && last_spoke > now - min_period
-        debug "keeping quiet, last spoke at #{last_spoke}"
-        nil
-      else
-        debug "fetching title for #{bug}"
-        url = sprintf(bug_url, bug)
-        html = http_fetch_body(url)
-        if !m = html.match("<title>([^<]+)</title>")
-          raise "no title for bug #{bug}!"
-        end
-        debug "fetched."
-        title = html_decode(m[1])
-        title += " (#{ShortURL.shorten(url)})" if link_enabled
-        bug_timestamps[msg[:room].name][bug] = now
-        title
-      end
-    }.reject { |s| s.nil? }
-    if !summaries.empty?
-      expire_timestamps
-      n = bug_timestamps.inject(0) { |sum, pair| sum + pair[1].size }
-      debug "Writing #{n} timestamps"
-      File.open(data_file, 'w') do |out|
-        YAML.dump(bug_timestamps, out)
-      end
-      # Speak the summaries all at once so they're more readable and
-      # not interleaved with someone else's speach
-      summaries.each { |s|
-        debug "sending response: #{s}"
-        msg.speak s
-      }
-    else
-      debug "nothing to say."
-    end
-  end
-
-  # Don't let the datafile or the in-memory list grow too
-  # large over long periods of time.  Remove entries that are
-  # well over min_period.
-  def expire_timestamps
-    debug "Expiring bug timestamps"
-    cutoff = Time.new - (2 * min_period)
-    recent = {}
-    bug_timestamps.each { |room, hash|
-      recent[room] = {}
-      hash.each { |bug, ts|
-        recent[room][bug] = ts if ts > cutoff
-      }
-      recent.delete(room) if recent[room].empty?
-    }
-    @bug_timestamps = recent
-  end
-
-  # Returns the non-HTML version of the given string using
-  # htmlentities if available, or else unescapeHTML
-  def html_decode(html)
-    if use_htmlentities
-      HTMLEntities.new.decode(html)
-    else
-      CGI.unescapeHTML(html)
-    end
-  end
-
-  # Return the HTTPResponse
-  #
-  # Use SSL if necessary, and check .netrc for
-  # passwords.
-  def http_fetch(url)
-    uri = URI.parse url
-    http = Net::HTTP.new(uri.host, uri.port)
-
-    # Unfortunately the net/http(s) API can't seem to do this for us,
-    # even if we require net/https from the beginning (ruby 1.8)
-    if uri.scheme == "https"
-      require 'net/https'
-      http.use_ssl = true
-      http.verify_mode = OpenSSL::SSL::VERIFY_NONE
-    end
-
-    res = http.start { |http|
-      req = Net::HTTP::Get.new uri.request_uri
-      cred = netrc_credentials uri.host
-      req.basic_auth *cred if cred
-      http.request req
-    }
-  end
-
-  # Returns only the document body
-  def http_fetch_body(url)
-    res = http_fetch(url)
-    case res
-    when Net::HTTPSuccess
-      res.body
-    else res.error!
-    end
-  end
-
-  # Returns [username, password] for the given host or nil
-  def netrc_credentials(host)
-    # Don't crash just b/c the gem is not installed
-    return nil if !use_netrc
-    obj = Net::Netrc.locate(host)
-    obj ? [obj.login, obj.password] : nil
-  end
-end

data/plugins/calvin.rb

@@ -1,43 +0,0 @@
-require 'open-uri'
-require 'hpricot'
-require 'tempfile'
-
-class Calvin < CampfireBot::Plugin
-  BASE_URL    = 'http://marcel-oehler.marcellosendos.ch/comics/ch/'
-  START_DATE  = Date.parse('1985-11-18')
-  END_DATE    = Date.parse('1995-12-31') # A sad day
-  
-  on_command 'calvin', :calvin
-  
-  def calvin(msg)    
-    comic = case msg[:message].split(/\s+/)[0]
-    when 'random'
-      fetch_random
-    when /d+/
-      fetch_comic(msg[:message].split(/\s+/)[0])
-    else
-      fetch_random
-    end
-    
-    msg.speak(comic)
-  end
-  
-  private
-  
-  def fetch_random
-    fetch_comic(rand(number_of_comics))
-  end
-  
-  def fetch_comic(id = nil)
-    date = id_to_date(id)
-    "#{BASE_URL}#{date.strftime('%Y')}/#{date.strftime('%m')}/#{date.strftime('%Y%m%d')}.gif"
-  end
-  
-  def id_to_date(id)
-    (START_DATE + id.days).to_date
-  end
-  
-  def number_of_comics
-    (END_DATE - START_DATE).to_i
-  end
-end

data/plugins/chuck.rb

@@ -1,23 +0,0 @@
-require 'open-uri'
-require 'hpricot'
-
-class Chuck < CampfireBot::Plugin
-  on_command 'chuck', :chuck
-  
-  def initialize
-    @log = Logging.logger["CampfireBot::Plugin::Chuck"]
-  end
-  
-  def chuck(msg)
-    url = "http://www.chucknorrisfacts.com/all-chuck-norris-facts?page=#{rand(172)+1}"
-    doc = Hpricot(open(url))
-    
-    facts = []
-    
-    (doc/".item-list a.createYourOwn").each do |a_tag|
-      facts << CGI.unescapeHTML(a_tag.inner_html)
-    end
-    
-    msg.speak(facts[rand(facts.size)])
-  end
-end

data/plugins/dilbert.rb

@@ -1,51 +0,0 @@
-require 'open-uri'
-require 'hpricot'
-require 'tempfile'
-
-
-class Dilbert < CampfireBot::Plugin
-  BASE_URL   = 'http://dilbert.com/'
-  START_DATE = Date.parse('1996-01-01')
-  
-  on_command 'dilbert', :dilbert
-  
-  def dilbert(msg)
-    comic = case msg[:message].split(/\s+/)[0]
-    when 'latest'
-      fetch_latest
-    when 'random'
-      fetch_random
-    when /d+/
-      fetch_comic(msg[:message].split(/\s+/)[1])
-    else
-      fetch_random
-    end
-    
-    msg.speak(BASE_URL + comic['src'])
-
-  end
-  
-  private
-  
-  def fetch_latest
-    fetch_comic
-  end
-  
-  def fetch_random
-    fetch_comic(rand(number_of_comics))
-  end
-  
-  def fetch_comic(id = nil)
-    # Rely on the comic being the last image on the page not nested
-    (Hpricot(open("#{BASE_URL}fast#{'/' + id_to_date(id) + '/' if id}"))/'//img').last
-  end
-  
-  def id_to_date(id)
-    (START_DATE + id.days).to_date.to_s(:db)
-  end
-  
-  def number_of_comics
-    (Date.today - START_DATE).to_i
-  end
-  
-end

data/plugins/excuse.rb

@@ -1,478 +0,0 @@
-class Excuse < CampfireBot::Plugin
-  
-  on_command 'excuse', :excuse
-  
-  def excuse(msg)
-    
-    excuses = %w(clock_speed
-    solar_flares
-    electromagnetic_radiation_from_satellite_debris
-    static_from_nylon_underwear
-    static_from_plastic_slide_rules
-    global_warming
-    poor_power_conditioning
-    static_buildup
-    doppler_effect
-    hardware_stress_fractures
-    magnetic_interference_from_money/credit_cards
-    dry_joints_on_cable_plug
-    we're_waiting_for_[the_phone_company]_to_fix_that_line
-    sounds_like_a_Windows_problem,_try_calling_Microsoft_support
-    temporary_routing_anomaly
-    somebody_was_calculating_pi_on_the_server
-    fat_electrons_in_the_lines
-    excess_surge_protection
-    floating_point_processor_overflow
-    divide-by-zero_error
-    POSIX_compliance_problem
-    monitor_resolution_too_high
-    improperly_oriented_keyboard
-    network_packets_travelling_uphill_(use_a_carrier_pigeon)
-    Decreasing_electron_flux
-    first_Saturday_after_first_full_moon_in_Winter
-    radiosity_depletion
-    CPU_radiator_broken
-    It_works_the_way_the_Wang_did,_what's_the_problem
-    positron_router_malfunction
-    cellular_telephone_interference
-    techtonic_stress
-    piezo-electric_interference
-    (l)user_error
-    working_as_designed
-    dynamic_software_linking_table_corrupted
-    heavy_gravity_fluctuation,_move_computer_to_floor_rapidly
-    secretary_plugged_hairdryer_into_UPS
-    terrorist_activities
-    not_enough_memory,_go_get_system_upgrade
-    interrupt_configuration_error
-    spaghetti_cable_cause_packet_failure
-    boss_forgot_system_password
-    bank_holiday_-_system_operating_credits__not_recharged
-    virus_attack,_luser_responsible
-    waste_water_tank_overflowed_onto_computer
-    Complete_Transient_Lockout
-    bad_ether_in_the_cables
-    Bogon_emissions
-    Change_in_Earth's_rotational_speed
-    Cosmic_ray_particles_crashed_through_the_hard_disk_platter
-    Smell_from_unhygienic_janitorial_staff_wrecked_the_tape_heads
-    Little_hamster_in_running_wheel_had_coronary;_waiting_for_replacement_to_be_Fedexed_from_Wyoming
-    Evil_dogs_hypnotised_the_night_shift
-    Plumber_mistook_routing_panel_for_decorative_wall_fixture
-    Electricians_made_popcorn_in_the_power_supply
-    Groundskeepers_stole_the_root_password
-    high_pressure_system_failure
-    failed_trials,_system_needs_redesigned
-    system_has_been_recalled
-    not_approved_by_the_FCC
-    need_to_wrap_system_in_aluminum_foil_to_fix_problem
-    not_properly_grounded,_please_bury_computer
-    CPU_needs_recalibration
-    system_needs_to_be_rebooted
-    bit_bucket_overflow
-    descramble_code_needed_from_software_company
-    only_available_on_a_need_to_know_basis
-    knot_in_cables_caused_data_stream_to_become_twisted_and_kinked
-    nesting_roaches_shorted_out_the_ether_cable
-    The_file_system_is_full_of_it
-    Satan_did_it
-    Daemons_did_it
-    You're_out_of_memory
-    There_isn't_any_problem
-    Unoptimized_hard_drive
-    Typo_in_the_code
-    Yes,_yes,_its_called_a_design_limitation
-    Look,_buddy:__Windows_3.1_IS_A_General_Protection_Fault.
-    That's_a_great_computer_you_have_there;_have_you_considered_how_it_would_work_as_a_BSD_machine?
-    Please_excuse_me,_I_have_to_circuit_an_AC_line_through_my_head_to_get_this_database_working.
-    Yeah,_yo_mama_dresses_you_funny_and_you_need_a_mouse_to_delete_files.
-    Support_staff_hung_over,_send_aspirin_and_come_back_LATER.
-    Someone_is_standing_on_the_ethernet_cable,_causing_a_kink_in_the_cable
-    Windows_95_undocumented_"feature"
-    Runt_packets
-    Password_is_too_complex_to_decrypt
-    Boss'_kid_fucked_up_the_machine
-    Electromagnetic_energy_loss
-    Budget_cuts
-    Mouse_chewed_through_power_cable
-    Stale_file_handle_(next_time_use_Tupperware(tm)!)
-    Feature_not_yet_implemented
-    Internet_outage
-    Pentium_FDIV_bug
-    Vendor_no_longer_supports_the_product
-    Small_animal_kamikaze_attack_on_power_supplies
-    The_vendor_put_the_bug_there.
-    SIMM_crosstalk.
-    IRQ_dropout
-    Collapsed_Backbone
-    Power_company_testing_new_voltage_spike_(creation)_equipment
-    operators_on_strike_due_to_broken_coffee_machine
-    backup_tape_overwritten_with_copy_of_system_manager's_favourite_CD
-    UPS_interrupted_the_server's_power
-    The_electrician_didn't_know_what_the_yellow_cable_was_so_he_yanked_the_ethernet_out.
-    The_keyboard_isn't_plugged_in
-    The_air_conditioning_water_supply_pipe_ruptured_over_the_machine_room
-    The_electricity_substation_in_the_car_park_blew_up.
-    The_rolling_stones_concert_down_the_road_caused_a_brown_out
-    The_salesman_drove_over_the_CPU_board.
-    The_monitor_is_plugged_into_the_serial_port
-    Root_nameservers_are_out_of_sync
-    electro-magnetic_pulses_from_French_above_ground_nuke_testing.
-    your_keyboard's_space_bar_is_generating_spurious_keycodes.
-    the_real_ttys_became_pseudo_ttys_and_vice-versa.
-    the_printer_thinks_its_a_router.
-    the_router_thinks_its_a_printer.
-    evil_hackers_from_Serbia.
-    we_just_switched_to_FDDI.
-    halon_system_went_off_and_killed_the_operators.
-    because_Bill_Gates_is_a_Jehovah's_witness_and_so_nothing_can_work_on_St._Swithin's_day.
-    user_to_computer_ratio_too_high.
-    user_to_computer_ration_too_low.
-    we_just_switched_to_Sprint.
-    it_has_Intel_Inside
-    Sticky_bits_on_disk.
-    Power_Company_having_EMP_problems_with_their_reactor
-    The_ring_needs_another_token
-    new_management
-    telnet:_Unable_to_connect_to_remote_host:_Connection_refused
-    SCSI_Chain_overterminated
-    It's_not_plugged_in.
-    because_of_network_lag_due_to_too_many_people_playing_deathmatch
-    You_put_the_disk_in_upside_down.
-    Daemons_loose_in_system.
-    User_was_distributing_pornography_on_server;_system_seized_by_FBI.
-    BNC_(brain_not_connected)
-    UBNC_(user_brain_not_connected)
-    LBNC_(luser_brain_not_connected)
-    disks_spinning_backwards_-_toggle_the_hemisphere_jumper.
-    new_guy_cross-connected_phone_lines_with_ac_power_bus.
-    had_to_use_hammer_to_free_stuck_disk_drive_heads.
-    Too_few_computrons_available.
-    Flat_tire_on_station_wagon_with_tapes.__("Never_underestimate_the_bandwidth_of_a_station_wagon_full_of_tapes_hurling_down_the_highway"_Andrew_S._Tannenbaum)_
-    Communications_satellite_used_by_the_military_for_star_wars.
-    Party-bug_in_the_Aloha_protocol.
-    Insert_coin_for_new_game
-    Dew_on_the_telephone_lines.
-    Arcserve_crashed_the_server_again.
-    Some_one_needed_the_powerstrip,_so_they_pulled_the_switch_plug.
-    My_pony-tail_hit_the_on/off_switch_on_the_power_strip.
-    Big_to_little_endian_conversion_error
-    You_can_tune_a_file_system,_but_you_can't_tune_a_fish_(from_most_tunefs_man_pages)
-    Dumb_terminal
-    Zombie_processes_haunting_the_computer
-    Incorrect_time_synchronization
-    Defunct_processes
-    Stubborn_processes
-    non-redundant_fan_failure_
-    monitor_VLF_leakage
-    bugs_in_the_RAID
-    no_"any"_key_on_keyboard
-    root_rot
-    Backbone_Scoliosis
-    /pub/lunch
-    excessive_collisions_&_not_enough_packet_ambulances
-    le0:_no_carrier:_transceiver_cable_problem?
-    broadcast_packets_on_wrong_frequency
-    popper_unable_to_process_jumbo_kernel
-    NOTICE:_alloc:_/dev/null:_filesystem_full
-    pseudo-user_on_a_pseudo-terminal
-    Recursive_traversal_of_loopback_mount_points
-    Backbone_adjustment
-    OS_swapped_to_disk
-    vapors_from_evaporating_sticky-note_adhesives
-    sticktion
-    short_leg_on_process_table
-    multicasts_on_broken_packets
-    ether_leak
-    Atilla_the_Hub
-    endothermal_recalibration
-    filesystem_not_big_enough_for_Jumbo_Kernel_Patch
-    loop_found_in_loop_in_redundant_loopback
-    system_consumed_all_the_paper_for_paging
-    permission_denied
-    Reformatting_Page._Wait...
-    ..disk_or_the_processor_is_on_fire.
-    SCSI's_too_wide.
-    Proprietary_Information.
-    Just_type_'mv_*_/dev/null'.
-    runaway_cat_on_system.
-    Did_you_pay_the_new_Support_Fee?
-    We_only_support_a_1200_bps_connection.
-    We_only_support_a_28000_bps_connection.
-    Me_no_internet,_only_janitor,_me_just_wax_floors.
-    I'm_sorry_a_pentium_won't_do,_you_need_an_SGI_to_connect_with_us.
-    Post-it_Note_Sludge_leaked_into_the_monitor.
-    the_curls_in_your_keyboard_cord_are_losing_electricity.
-    The_monitor_needs_another_box_of_pixels.
-    RPC_PMAP_FAILURE
-    kernel_panic:_write-only-memory_(/dev/wom0)_capacity_exceeded.
-    Write-only-memory_subsystem_too_slow_for_this_machine._Contact_your_local_dealer.
-    Just_pick_up_the_phone_and_give_modem_connect_sounds._"Well_you_said_we_should_get_more_lines_so_we_don't_have_voice_lines."
-    Quantum_dynamics_are_affecting_the_transistors
-    Police_are_examining_all_internet_packets_in_the_search_for_a_narco-net-trafficker
-    We_are_currently_trying_a_new_concept_of_using_a_live_mouse.__Unfortunately,_one_has_yet_to_survive_being_hooked_up_to_the_computer.....please_bear_with_us.
-    Your_mail_is_being_routed_through_Germany_..._and_they're_censoring_us.
-    Only_people_with_names_beginning_with_'A'_are_getting_mail_this_week_(a_la_Microsoft)
-    We_didn't_pay_the_Internet_bill_and_it's_been_cut_off.
-    Lightning_strikes.
-    Of_course_it_doesn't_work._We've_performed_a_software_upgrade.
-    Change_your_language_to_Finnish.
-    Fluorescent_lights_are_generating_negative_ions._If_turning_them_off_doesn't_work,_take_them_out_and_put_tin_foil_on_the_ends.
-    High_nuclear_activity_in_your_area.
-    What_office_are_you_in?_Oh,_that_one.__Did_you_know_that_your_building_was_built_over_the_universities_first_nuclear_research_site?_And_wow,_aren't_you_the_lucky_one,_your_office_is_right_over_where_the_core_is_buried!
-    The_MGs_ran_out_of_gas.
-    The_UPS_doesn't_have_a_battery_backup.
-    Recursivity.__Call_back_if_it_happens_again.
-    Someone_thought_The_Big_Red_Button_was_a_light_switch.
-    The_mainframe_needs_to_rest.__It's_getting_old,_you_know.
-    I'm_not_sure.__Try_calling_the_Internet's_head_office_--_it's_in_the_book.
-    The_lines_are_all_busy_(busied_out,_that_is_--_why_let_them_in_to_begin_with?).
-    Jan__9_16:41:27_huber_su:_'su_root'_succeeded_for_...._on_/dev/pts/1
-    It's_those_computer_people_in_X_{city_of_world}.__They_keep_stuffing_things_up.
-    A_star_wars_satellite_accidently_blew_up_the_WAN.
-    Fatal_error_right_in_front_of_screen
-    That_function_is_not_currently_supported,_but_Bill_Gates_assures_us_it_will_be_featured_in_the_next_upgrade.
-    wrong_polarity_of_neutron_flow
-    Lusers_learning_curve_appears_to_be_fractal
-    We_had_to_turn_off_that_service_to_comply_with_the_CDA_Bill.
-    Ionization_from_the_air-conditioning
-    TCP/IP_UDP_alarm_threshold_is_set_too_low.
-    Someone_is_broadcasting_pygmy_packets_and_the_router_doesn't_know_how_to_deal_with_them.
-    The_new_frame_relay_network_hasn't_bedded_down_the_software_loop_transmitter_yet._
-    Fanout_dropping_voltage_too_much,_try_cutting_some_of_those_little_traces
-    Plate_voltage_too_low_on_demodulator_tube
-    You_did_wha..._oh__dear_....
-    CPU_needs_bearings_repacked
-    Too_many_little_pins_on_CPU_confusing_it,_bend_back_and_forth_until_10-20%_are_neatly_removed._Do__not__leave_metal_bits_visible!
-    _Rosin__core_solder?_But...
-    Software_uses_US_measurements,_but_the_OS_is_in_metric...
-    The_computer_fleetly,_mouse_and_all.
-    Your_cat_tried_to_eat_the_mouse.
-    The_Borg_tried_to_assimilate_your_system._Resistance_is_futile.
-    It_must_have_been_the_lightning_storm_we_had_(yesterday)_(last_week)_(last_month)
-    Due_to_Federal_Budget_problems_we_have_been_forced_to_cut_back_on_the_number_of_users_able_to_access_the_system_at_one_time._(namely_none_allowed....)
-    Too_much_radiation_coming_from_the_soil.
-    Unfortunately_we_have_run_out_of_bits/bytes/whatever._Don't_worry,_the_next_supply_will_be_coming_next_week.
-    Program_load_too_heavy_for_processor_to_lift.
-    Processes_running_slowly_due_to_weak_power_supply
-    Our_ISP_is_having_{switching,routing,SMDS,frame_relay}_problems
-    We've_run_out_of_licenses
-    Interference_from_lunar_radiation
-    Standing_room_only_on_the_bus.
-    You_need_to_install_an_RTFM_interface.
-    That_would_be_because_the_software_doesn't_work.
-    That's_easy_to_fix,_but_I_can't_be_bothered.
-    Someone's_tie_is_caught_in_the_printer,_and_if_anything_else_gets_printed,_he'll_be_in_it_too.
-    We're_upgrading_/dev/null
-    The_Usenet_news_is_out_of_date
-    Our_POP_server_was_kidnapped_by_a_weasel.
-    It's_stuck_in_the_Web.
-    Your_modem_doesn't_speak_English.
-    The_mouse_escaped.
-    All_of_the_packets_are_empty.
-    The_UPS_is_on_strike.
-    Neutrino_overload_on_the_nameserver
-    Melting_hard_drives
-    Someone_has_messed_up_the_kernel_pointers
-    The_kernel_license_has_expired
-    Netscape_has_crashed
-    The_cord_jumped_over_and_hit_the_power_switch.
-    It_was_OK_before_you_touched_it.
-    Bit_rot
-    U.S._Postal_Service
-    Your_Flux_Capacitor_has_gone_bad.
-    The_Dilithium_Crystals_need_to_be_rotated.
-    The_static_electricity_routing_is_acting_up...
-    Traceroute_says_that_there_is_a_routing_problem_in_the_backbone.__It's_not_our_problem.
-    The_co-locator_cannot_verify_the_frame-relay_gateway_to_the_ISDN_server.
-    High_altitude_condensation_from_U.S.A.F_prototype_aircraft_has_contaminated_the_primary_subnet_mask._Turn_off_your_computer_for_9_days_to_avoid_damaging_it.
-    Lawn_mower_blade_in_your_fan_need_sharpening
-    Electrons_on_a_bender
-    Telecommunications_is_upgrading._
-    Telecommunications_is_downgrading.
-    Telecommunications_is_downshifting.
-    Hard_drive_sleeping._Let_it_wake_up_on_it's_own...
-    Interference_between_the_keyboard_and_the_chair.
-    The_CPU_has_shifted,_and_become_decentralized.
-    Due_to_the_CDA,_we_no_longer_have_a_root_account.
-    We_ran_out_of_dial_tone_and_we're_and_waiting_for_the_phone_company_to_deliver_another_bottle.
-    You_must've_hit_the_wrong_any_key.
-    PCMCIA_slave_driver
-    The_Token_fell_out_of_the_ring._Call_us_when_you_find_it.
-    The_hardware_bus_needs_a_new_token.
-    Too_many_interrupts
-    Not_enough_interrupts
-    The_data_on_your_hard_drive_is_out_of_balance.
-    Digital_Manipulator_exceeding_velocity_parameters
-    appears_to_be_a_Slow/Narrow_SCSI-0_Interface_problem
-    microelectronic_Riemannian_curved-space_fault_in_write-only_file_system
-    fractal_radiation_jamming_the_backbone
-    routing_problems_on_the_neural_net
-    IRQ-problems_with_the_Un-Interruptible-Power-Supply
-    CPU-angle_has_to_be_adjusted_because_of_vibrations_coming_from_the_nearby_road
-    emissions_from_GSM-phones
-    CD-ROM_server_needs_recalibration
-    firewall_needs_cooling
-    asynchronous_inode_failure
-    transient_bus_protocol_violation
-    incompatible_bit-registration_operators
-    your_process_is_not_ISO_9000_compliant
-    You_need_to_upgrade_your_VESA_local_bus_to_a_MasterCard_local_bus.
-    The_recent_proliferation_of_Nuclear_Testing
-    Elves_on_strike._(Why_do_they_call_EMAG_Elf_Magic)
-    Internet_exceeded_Luser_level,_please_wait_until_a_luser_logs_off_before_attempting_to_log_back_on.
-    Your_EMAIL_is_now_being_delivered_by_the_USPS.
-    Your_computer_hasn't_been_returning_all_the_bits_it_gets_from_the_Internet.
-    You've_been_infected_by_the_Telescoping_Hubble_virus.
-    Scheduled_global_CPU_outage
-    Your_Pentium_has_a_heating_problem_-_try_cooling_it_with_ice_cold_water.(Do_not_turn_off_your_computer,_you_do_not_want_to_cool_down_the_Pentium_Chip_while_he_isn't_working,_do_you?)
-    Your_processor_has_processed_too_many_instructions.__Turn_it_off_immediately,_do_not_type_any_commands!!
-    Your_packets_were_eaten_by_the_terminator
-    Your_processor_does_not_develop_enough_heat.
-    We_need_a_licensed_electrician_to_replace_the_light_bulbs_in_the_computer_room.
-    The_POP_server_is_out_of_Coke
-    Fiber_optics_caused_gas_main_leak
-    Server_depressed,_needs_Prozac
-    quantum_decoherence
-    those_damn_raccoons!
-    suboptimal_routing_experience
-    A_plumber_is_needed,_the_network_drain_is_clogged
-    50%_of_the_manual_is_in_.pdf_readme_files
-    the_AA_battery_in_the_wallclock_sends_magnetic_interference
-    the_xy_axis_in_the_trackball_is_coordinated_with_the_summer_solstice
-    the_butane_lighter_causes_the_pincushioning
-    old_inkjet_cartridges_emanate_barium-based_fumes
-    manager_in_the_cable_duct
-    We'll_fix_that_in_the_next_(upgrade,_update,_patch_release,_service_pack).
-    HTTPD_Error_666_:_BOFH_was_here
-    HTTPD_Error_4004_:_very_old_Intel_cpu_-_insufficient_processing_power
-    The_ATM_board_has_run_out_of_10_pound_notes.__We_are_having_a_whip_round_to_refill_it,_care_to_contribute_?
-    Network_failure_-__call_NBC
-    Having_to_manually_track_the_satellite.
-    Your/our_computer(s)_had_suffered_a_memory_leak,_and_we_are_waiting_for_them_to_be_topped_up.
-    The_rubber_band_broke
-    We're_on_Token_Ring,_and_it_looks_like_the_token_got_loose.
-    Stray_Alpha_Particles_from_memory_packaging_caused_Hard_Memory_Error_on_Server.
-    paradigm_shift...without_a_clutch
-    PEBKAC_(Problem_Exists_Between_Keyboard_And_Chair)
-    The_cables_are_not_the_same_length.
-    Second-system_effect.
-    Chewing_gum_on_/dev/sd3c
-    Boredom_in_the_Kernel.
-    the_daemons!_the_daemons!_the_terrible_daemons!
-    I'd_love_to_help_you_--_it's_just_that_the_Boss_won't_let_me_near_the_computer._
-    struck_by_the_Good_Times_virus
-    YOU_HAVE_AN_I/O_ERROR_->_Incompetent_Operator_error
-    Your_parity_check_is_overdrawn_and_you're_out_of_cache.
-    Communist_revolutionaries_taking_over_the_server_room_and_demanding_all_the_computers_in_the_building_or_they_shoot_the_sysadmin._Poor_misguided_fools.
-    Plasma_conduit_breach
-    Out_of_cards_on_drive_D:
-    Sand_fleas_eating_the_Internet_cables
-    parallel_processors_running_perpendicular_today
-    ATM_cell_has_no_roaming_feature_turned_on,_notebooks_can't_connect
-    Webmasters_kidnapped_by_evil_cult.
-    Failure_to_adjust_for_daylight_savings_time.
-    Virus_transmitted_from_computer_to_sysadmins.
-    Virus_due_to_computers_having_unsafe_sex.
-    Incorrectly_configured_static_routes_on_the_corerouters.
-    Forced_to_support_NT_servers;_sysadmins_quit.
-    Suspicious_pointer_corrupted_virtual_machine
-    It's_the_InterNIC's_fault.
-    Root_name_servers_corrupted.
-    Budget_cuts_forced_us_to_sell_all_the_power_cords_for_the_servers.
-    Someone_hooked_the_twisted_pair_wires_into_the_answering_machine.
-    Operators_killed_by_year_2000_bug_bite.
-    We've_picked_COBOL_as_the_language_of_choice.
-    Operators_killed_when_huge_stack_of_backup_tapes_fell_over.
-    Robotic_tape_changer_mistook_operator's_tie_for_a_backup_tape.
-    Someone_was_smoking_in_the_computer_room_and_set_off_the_halon_systems.
-    Your_processor_has_taken_a_ride_to_Heaven's_Gate_on_the_UFO_behind_Hale-Bopp's_comet.
-    it's_an_ID-10-T_error
-    Dyslexics_retyping_hosts_file_on_servers
-    The_Internet_is_being_scanned_for_viruses.
-    Your_computer's_union_contract_is_set_to_expire_at_midnight.
-    Bad_user_karma.
-    /dev/clue_was_linked_to_/dev/null
-    Increased_sunspot_activity.
-    We_already_sent_around_a_notice_about_that.
-    It's_union_rules._There's_nothing_we_can_do_about_it._Sorry.
-    Interference_from_the_Van_Allen_Belt.
-    Jupiter_is_aligned_with_Mars.
-    Redundant_ACLs._
-    Mail_server_hit_by_UniSpammer.
-    T-1's_congested_due_to_porn_traffic_to_the_news_server.
-    Data_for_intranet_got_routed_through_the_extranet_and_landed_on_the_internet.
-    We_are_a_100%_Microsoft_Shop.
-    We_are_Microsoft.__What_you_are_experiencing_is_not_a_problem;_it_is_an_undocumented_feature.
-    Sales_staff_sold_a_product_we_don't_offer.
-    Secretary_sent_chain_letter_to_all_5000_employees.
-    Sysadmin_didn't_hear_pager_go_off_due_to_loud_music_from_bar-room_speakers.
-    Sysadmin_accidentally_destroyed_pager_with_a_large_hammer.
-    Sysadmins_unavailable_because_they_are_in_a_meeting_talking_about_why_they_are_unavailable_so_much.
-    Bad_cafeteria_food_landed_all_the_sysadmins_in_the_hospital.
-    Route_flapping_at_the_NAP.
-    Computers_under_water_due_to_SYN_flooding.
-    The_vulcan-death-grip_ping_has_been_applied.
-    Electrical_conduits_in_machine_room_are_melting.
-    Traffic_jam_on_the_Information_Superhighway.
-    Radial_Telemetry_Infiltration
-    Cow-tippers_tipped_a_cow_onto_the_server.
-    tachyon_emissions_overloading_the_system
-    Maintenance_window_broken
-    We're_out_of_slots_on_the_server
-    Computer_room_being_moved.__Our_systems_are_down_for_the_weekend.
-    Sysadmins_busy_fighting_SPAM.
-    Repeated_reboots_of_the_system_failed_to_solve_problem
-    Feature_was_not_beta_tested
-    Domain_controller_not_responding
-    Someone_else_stole_your_IP_address,_call_the_Internet_detectives!
-    It's_not_RFC-822_compliant.
-    operation_failed_because:_there_is_no_message_for_this_error_(#1014)
-    stop_bit_received
-    internet_is_needed_to_catch_the_etherbunny
-    network_down,_IP_packets_delivered_via_UPS
-    Firmware_update_in_the_coffee_machine
-    Temporal_anomaly
-    Mouse_has_out-of-cheese-error
-    Borg_implants_are_failing
-    Borg_nanites_have_infested_the_server
-    error:_one_bad_user_found_in_front_of_screen
-    Please_state_the_nature_of_the_technical_emergency
-    Internet_shut_down_due_to_maintenance
-    Daemon_escaped_from_pentagram
-    crop_circles_in_the_corn_shell
-    sticky_bit_has_come_loose
-    Hot_Java_has_gone_cold
-    Cache_miss_-_please_take_better_aim_next_time
-    Hash_table_has_woodworm
-    Trojan_horse_ran_out_of_hay
-    Zombie_processes_detected,_machine_is_haunted.
-    overflow_error_in_/dev/null
-    Browser's_cookie_is_corrupted_--_someone's_been_nibbling_on_it.
-    Mailer-daemon_is_busy_burning_your_message_in_hell.
-    According_to_Microsoft,_it's_by_design
-    vi_needs_to_be_upgraded_to_vii
-    greenpeace_free'd_the_mallocs
-    Terrorists_crashed_an_airplane_into_the_server_room,_have_to_remove_/bin/laden._(rm_-rf_/bin/laden)
-    astropneumatic_oscillations_in_the_water-cooling
-    Somebody_ran_the_operating_system_through_a_spelling_checker.
-    Rhythmic_variations_in_the_voltage_reaching_the_power_supply.
-    Keyboard_Actuator_Failure.__Order_and_Replace.
-    Packet_held_up_at_customs.
-    Propagation_delay.
-    High_line_impedance.
-    Someone_set_us_up_the_bomb.
-    Power_surges_on_the_Underground.
-    Don't_worry;_it's_been_deprecated._The_new_one_is_worse.
-    My_raccoon_has_hepatitis.
-    )
-    
-    excuse = excuses[rand(excuses.size)].gsub("_", " ")
-     
-    msg.speak("Your excuse is: #{excuse}")
-  end
- 
-
-end
-
-