qotd 1.2.1

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data/.gitignore

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+*.gem
+*.rbc
+.bundle
+.config
+.yardoc
+Gemfile.lock
+InstalledFiles
+_yardoc
+coverage
+doc/
+lib/bundler/man
+pkg
+rdoc
+spec/reports
+test/tmp
+test/version_tmp
+tmp

data/Gemfile

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+source 'https://rubygems.org'
+
+# Specify your gem's dependencies in qotd.gemspec
+gemspec

data/LICENSE.txt

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+Copyright (c) 2014 jfjhh
+
+MIT License
+
+Permission is hereby granted, free of charge, to any person obtaining
+a copy of this software and associated documentation files (the
+"Software"), to deal in the Software without restriction, including
+without limitation the rights to use, copy, modify, merge, publish,
+distribute, sublicense, and/or sell copies of the Software, and to
+permit persons to whom the Software is furnished to do so, subject to
+the following conditions:
+
+The above copyright notice and this permission notice shall be
+included in all copies or substantial portions of the Software.
+
+THE SOFTWARE IS PROVIDED "AS IS", WITHOUT WARRANTY OF ANY KIND,
+EXPRESS OR IMPLIED, INCLUDING BUT NOT LIMITED TO THE WARRANTIES OF
+MERCHANTABILITY, FITNESS FOR A PARTICULAR PURPOSE AND
+NONINFRINGEMENT. IN NO EVENT SHALL THE AUTHORS OR COPYRIGHT HOLDERS BE
+LIABLE FOR ANY CLAIM, DAMAGES OR OTHER LIABILITY, WHETHER IN AN ACTION
+OF CONTRACT, TORT OR OTHERWISE, ARISING FROM, OUT OF OR IN CONNECTION
+WITH THE SOFTWARE OR THE USE OR OTHER DEALINGS IN THE SOFTWARE.

data/README.md

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+# Qotd ~ Quote of the Day
+
+Displays a random formatted quote from a massive compilation of hilarious
+quotes.
+
+The output is formatted to always be spaced out to the 80th column, and the
+quote is displayed with reversed foreground / background colors.
+
+![screenshot](screenshot/screenshot.png)
+
+A big thanks to [textfiles.com](textfiles.com), where I got all the quotes.
+Without it, there would be no quote of the day. The reformatted file with all
+the quotes in it numbers over 3000 lines!
+
+## Todo
+
+- Publish on `rubygems.org`.
+
+## Installation
+
+Add this line to your application's Gemfile:
+
+    gem 'qotd'
+
+And then execute:
+
+    $ bundle
+
+Or install it yourself as:
+
+    $ gem install qotd
+
+## Usage
+
+Add it to a shell configuration file.
+
+    # ~/.bashrc
+    # ...
+    qotd
+
+## Contributing
+
+1. Fork it ( http://github.com/jfjhh/qotd/fork )
+2. Create your feature branch (`git checkout -b my-new-feature`)
+3. Commit your changes (`git commit -am 'Add some feature'`)
+4. Push to the branch (`git push origin my-new-feature`)
+5. Create new Pull Request
+

data/Rakefile

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+require "bundler/gem_tasks"
+

data/bin/qotd

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+#!/usr/bin/env ruby
+
+# The first argument can be used as a quote to print, but if no arg is given,
+# print a random quote from the file.
+
+require 'qotd'
+
+puts "Quote of the Day:"
+
+if ARGV.first
+  Qotd.format_quote(ARGV.first)
+else
+  Qotd.format_quote(Qotd.quote)
+end
+

data/lib/format.rb

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+module Format
+
+  def self.space(str, spaces = 1)
+    padding = ' ' * spaces
+
+    return "%s%s%s" % [
+      padding,
+      str,
+      padding
+    ]
+  end
+
+  def self.to_80(str)
+    chars = 80 - str.length # => length left to 80th char in line.
+    padding = ""
+
+    (1..chars).each do |i|
+      padding << ' '
+    end
+
+    return padding
+  end
+
+  def self.padding(str, spaces = 1)
+    lines = str.split(/\n/)
+
+    if lines.length > 1
+      pstr = ""
+      last = lines.length - 1
+
+      (0...last).each do |line|
+        text = self.space(lines[line], spaces) 
+        filler = self.to_80(text)
+
+        pstr << text << filler << "\n"
+      end
+
+      text = self.space(lines[last], spaces)
+      pstr << text << self.to_80(text)
+
+      return pstr
+    else
+      text = self.space(str, spaces)
+      return text << self.to_80(text)
+    end
+  end
+
+end
+

data/lib/qotd.rb

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+require_relative "qotd/version"
+require_relative "format"
+
+module Qotd
+
+  def self.quote_file
+    file = File.join(File.dirname(__FILE__), "quotes/quotes.txt")
+    File.read(file)  # => A string of the quotes from the file.
+  end
+
+  def self.quotes
+    quote_file.split(/\n\n/) # => Individual quotes in an array.
+  end
+
+  def self.rand_index
+    rand(quotes.length) # => A random index of quotes array.
+  end
+
+  def self.quote
+    quotes[self.rand_index] # => A random quote.
+  end
+
+  def self.color
+    "\033[7m" # => Colored background.
+  end
+
+  def self.clear
+    "\033[0m" # => Reset to normal.
+  end
+
+  def self.format_quote(quote)
+    message = Format.padding(quote, 2) # => Add padding to the quote.
+    space = ' ' * 80 # => Filler to highlight.
+
+    print self.color
+    puts space
+
+    puts message
+
+    puts space
+    print self.clear
+  end
+
+end
+

data/lib/qotd/version.rb

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+module Qotd
+  VERSION = "1.2.1"
+end

data/lib/quotes/quotes.txt

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+McGowan's Madison Avenue Axiom:
+     If an item is advertised as "under $50", you can bet it's not $19.95.
+
+Van Roy's Law:
+     An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.
+
+How long a minute is depends on which side of the bathroom door you're on.
+
+Underlying Principle of Socio-Genetics:
+        Superiority is recessive.
+
+Don't worry over what other people are thinking about you.  They're too
+busy worrying over what you are thinking about them.
+
+Ducharm's Axiom:
+        If you view your problem closely enough you will recognize
+        yourself as part of the problem.
+
+A Law of Computer Programming:
+        Make it possible for programmers to write in English and you
+        will find the programmers cannot write in English.
+
+Turnaucka's Law:
+        The attention span of a computer is only as long as its
+        electrical cord.
+
+One good reason why computers can do more work than people is that they
+never have to stop and answer the phone.
+
+Bradley's Bromide:
+        If computers get too powerful, we can organize them into a
+        committee —— that will do them in.
+
+At the source of every error which is blamed on the computer you will
+find at least two human errors, including the error of blaming it on
+the computer.
+
+If you put garbage in a computer nothing comes out but garbage.  But
+this garbage, having passed through a very expensive machine, is
+somehow enobled and none dare criticize it.
+
+Old programmers never die.  They just branch to a new address.
+
+The past always looks better than it was.  It's only pleasant because
+it isn't here.
+                —— Finley Peter Dunne (Mr. Dooley)
+
+Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms.
+                —— Groucho Marx
+
+Military justice is to justice what military music is to music.
+                —— Groucho Marx
+
+Eggheads unite!  You have nothing to lose but your yolks.
+                —— Adlai Stevenson
+
+A university is what a college becomes when the faculty loses interest
+in students.
+                —— John Ciardi
+
+The IQ of the group is the lowest IQ of a member of the group divided
+by the number of people in the group.
+
+Imagination is the one weapon in the war against reality.
+                —— Jules de Gaultier
+
+Ingrate: A man who bites the hand that feeds him, and then complains of
+indigestion.
+
+Justice: A decision in your favor.
+
+Kin: An affliction of the blood
+
+Lie: A very poor substitute for the truth, but the only one discovered
+to date.
+
+Love at first sight is one of the greatest labor-saving devices the
+world has ever seen.
+
+Lunatic Asylum: The place where optimism most flourishes.
+
+Majority: That quality that distinguishes a crime from a law.
+
+Man is the only animal that blushes —— or needs to.
+                —— Mark Twain
+
+Man is a rational animal who always loses his temper when he is called
+upon to act in accordance with the dictates of reason.
+                —— Oscar Wilde
+
+Menu: A list of dishes which the restaurant has just run out of
+
+"The way to make a small fortune in the commodities market is to start
+with a large fortune."
+
+Noncombatant: A dead Quaker.
+                —— Ambrose Bierce
+
+The Law, in its majestic equality, forbids the rich, as well as the
+poor, to sleep under the bridges, to beg in the streets, and to steal
+bread.
+                —— Anatole France
+
+BLISS is ignorance
+
+God is a comic playing to an audience that's afraid to laugh
+
+Predestination was doomed from the start.
+
+Duct tape is like the force.  It has a light side, and a dark side, and
+it holds the universe together...
+                —— Carl Zwanzig
+
+Xerox does it again and again and again and ...
+
+Never call a man a fool; borrow from him.
+
+Misery loves company, but company does not reciprocate.
+
+Love is sentimental measles.
+
+Life is like an onion: you peel off layer after layer, then you find
+there is nothing in it.
+
+If you make people think they're thinking, they'll love you; but if you
+really make them think they'll hate you.
+
+I never fail to convince an audience that the best thing they could do
+was to go away.
+
+If we do not change our direction we are likely to end up where we are
+headed.
+
+"All my friends and I are crazy.  That's the only thing that keeps us
+sane."
+
+"If you go on with this nuclear arms race, all you are going to do is
+make the rubble bounce"
+                —— Winston Churchill
+
+But scientists, who ought to know
+Assure us that it must be so.
+Oh, let us never, never doubt
+What nobody is sure about.
+                —— Hilaire Belloc
+
+Hello Dr. Falken.
+Would you like to play Global Thermo-nuclear War?
+
+Real Programmers don't write specs —— users should consider themselves lucky to
+get any programs at all and take what they get.
+
+Real Programmers don't comment their code.  If it was hard to write, it should
+be hard to understand.
+
+Real Programmers don't write application programs; they program right down on
+the bare metal.  Application programming is for feebs who can't do systems
+programming.
+
+Real Programmers don't eat quiche.  In fact, real programmers don't know how to
+SPELL quiche.  They eat Twinkies, and Szechwan food.
+
+Real Programmers don't write in COBOL.  COBOL is for wimpy applications
+programmers.
+
+Real Programmers' programs never work right the first time.  But if you throw
+them on the machine they can be patched into working in "only a few" 30-hour
+debugging sessions.
+
+Real Programmers don't write in FORTRAN.  FORTRAN is for pipe stress freaks and
+crystallography weenies.
+
+Real Programmers never work 9 to 5.  If any real programmers are around a 9 AM,
+it's because they were up all night.
+
+Real Programmers don't write in BASIC.  Actually, no programmers write in BASIC
+after the age of 12.
+
+Real Programmers don't write in PL/I.  PL/I is for programmers who can't decide
+whether to write in COBOL or FORTRAN.
+
+Real Programmers don't play tennis, or any other sport that requires you to
+changer clothes.  Mountain climbing is OK, and real programmers wear their
+climbing boots to work in case a  mountain should suddenly spring up in the
+middle of the machine room.
+
+Real Programmers don't document.  Documentation is for simps who can't read the
+listings or the object deck.
+
+Real Programmers don't write in PASCAL, or BLISS, or ADA, or any of those pinko
+computer science languages.  Strong typing is for people with weak memories. 
+
+The secret to success is sincerity. Once you learn to fake that you have
+it made.
+
+Never let your child play with a loaded carp.
+
+The answer is 42.
+-Deep Thought
+
+I don't do booze,
+it dulls the drugs.
+
+LSD consumes 47 times its weight in excess reality.
+
+I'm not as think as you stoned I am.
+
+Computers are infalllible.
+
+The three laws of thermodynamics:
+
+The First Law:  You can't get anything without working for it.
+The Second Law: The most you can accomplish by working is to break
+                even.
+The Third Law:  You can only break even at absolute zero.
+
+Famous last words:
+        1) "Don't worry, I can handle it."
+        2) "You and what army?"
+        3) "If you were as smart as you think you are, you wouldn't be
+            a cop."
+
+Our OS who art in CPU, UNIX be thy name.
+        Thy programs run, thy syscalls done,
+        in kernel as it is in user!
+
+Nothing is faster than the speed of light...
+
+To prove this to yourself, try opening the refrigerator door before
+the light comes on.
+
+Q: How many heterosexual males does it take to screw in a light bulb in
+   San Francisco?
+A: Both of them.
+
+San Francisco isn't what it used to be, and it never was.
+
+Insanity is hereditary.  You get it from your kids.
+
+Anarchy may not be the best form of government, but it's better than no
+government at all.
+
+Do molecular biologists wear designer genes?
+
+Whenever the literary German dives into a sentence, that is the last
+you are going to see of him until he emerges on the other side of his
+atlantic with his verb in his mouth.
+                —— Mark Twain
+
+"Now is the time for all good men to come to."
+                —— Walt Kelly
+
+Laetrile is the pits
+
+Got Mole problems?
+Call Avogardo 6.02 x 10^23
+
+There's no future in time travel
+
+Vitamin C deficiency is apauling
+
+Time flies like an arrow
+Fruit flies like a banana
+
+Science is what happens when preconception meets verification.
+
+Electrical Engineers do it with less resistance.
+
+"Really ??  What a coincidence, I'm shallow too!!"
+
+But in our enthusiasm, we could not resist a radical overhaul of the
+system, in which all of its major weaknesses have been exposed,
+analyzed, and replaced with new weaknesses.
+                —— Bruce Leverett
+                   "Register Allocation in Optimizing Compilers"
+
+Psychiatrists say that one out of four people are mentally ill.  Check
+three friends.  If they're ok, you're it.
+
+USER n.: A programmer who will believe anything you tell him.
+
+Worst Month of the Year: February.  February has only 28 days in it,
+which means that if you rent an apartment, you are paying for three
+full days you don't get.  Try to avoid Februarys whenever possible.
+
+Worst Vegetable of the Year: The brussels sprout.  This is also the
+worst vegetable of next year.
+
+Worst Month of 1981 for Downhill Skiing: January.  The lines are the
+shortest, though.
+
+There once was a girl named Irene
+Who lived on distilled kerosene
+        But she started absorbin'
+        A new hydrocarbon
+And since then has never benzene.
+
+Genius may have its limitations, but stupidity is not thus
+handicapped.
+                —— Elbert Hubbard
+
+Computer programmers do it byte by byte
+
+"I know not with what weapons World War III will be fought, but
+World War IV will be fought with sticks and stones."
+                —— Albert Einstein
+
+No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.
+                —— Eleanor Roosevelt
+
+I must have slipped a disk —— my pack hurts
+
+What is worth doing is worth the trouble of asking somebody to do.
+
+This login session: $13.99, but for you $11.88
+
+"I just need enough to tide me over until I need more."
+                —— Bill Hoest
+
+Q: How many Oregonians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
+A: Three.  One to screw in the lightbulb and two to fend off all those
+Californians trying to share the experience.
+
+Now and then an innocent person is sent to the legislature.
+
+She missed an invaluable opportunity to give him a look that you could
+have poured on a waffle.
+
+He looked at me as if I was a side dish he hadn't ordered.
+
+People will buy anything that's one to a customer.
+
+It was a book to kill time for those who liked it better dead.
+
+How wonderful opera would be if there were no singers.
+
+The new Congressmen say they're going to turn the government around.  I
+hope I don't get run over again.
+
+What garlic is to salad, insanity is to art.
+
+Do not take life too seriously; you will never get out if it alive.
+
+Forgetfulness: A gift of God bestowed upon debtors in compensation for
+their destitution of conscience.
+
+Absentee: A person with an income who has had the forethought to remove
+himself from the sphere of exaction.
+
+You will be surprised by a loud noise.
+
+As of next week, passwords will be entered in Morse code.
+
+"In short, _N is Richardian if, and only if, _N is not Richardian."
+
+President Reagan has noted that there are too many economic pundits and
+forecasters and has decided on an excess prophets tax.
+
+Absent: Exposed to the attacks of friends and acquaintances; defamed;
+slandered.
+
+Brain, v.: [as in "to brain"] To rebuke bluntly, but not pointedly; to
+dispel a source of error in an opponent.
+
+Truthful: Dumb and illiterate.
+
+A computer, to print out a fact,
+Will divide, multiply, and subtract.
+        But this output can be
+        No more than debris,
+If the input was short of exact.
+                —— Gigo
+
+Corrupt: In politics, holding an office of trust or profit.
+
+Nature and nature's laws lay hid in night,
+God said, "Let Newton be," and all was light.
+
+It did not last; the devil howling "Ho!
+Let Einstein be!" restored the status quo.
+
+Razors pain you;
+Rivers are damp;
+Acids stain you;
+And drugs cause cramp.
+Guns aren't lawful;
+Nooses give;
+Gas smells awful;
+You might as well live.
+                —— Dorothy Parker
+
+Whenever you find that you are on the side of the majority, it is time
+to reform.
+                —— Mark Twain
+
+There cannot be a crisis next week.  My schedule is already full.
+                —— Henry Kissinger
+
+Whenever people agree with me I always feel I must be wrong.
+                ——Oscar Wilde
+
+The only way to get rid of a temptation is to yield to it.
+                —— Oscar Wilde
+
+About the time we think we can make ends meet, somebody moves the
+ends.
+                —— Herbert Hoover
+
+There is only one thing in the world worse than being talked about, and
+that is not being talked about.
+                —— Oscar Wilde
+
+The sun was shining on the sea,
+Shining with all his might:
+He did his very best to make
+The billows smooth and bright ——
+And this was very odd, because it was
+The middle of the night.
+                —— Lewis Carroll
+
+It's not that I'm afraid to die.  I just don't want to be there when it
+happens.
+                —— Woody Allen.
+
+The typewriting machine, when played with expression, is no more
+annoying than the piano when played by a sister or near relation.
+                —— Oscar Wilde
+
+I can't complain, but sometimes I still do.
+                —— Joe Walsh
+
+43rd Law of Computing:
+        Anything that can go wr
+fortune: Segmentation violation —— Core dumped
+
+Never try to outstubborn a cat.
+                —— Lazarus Long
+
+FLASH!  Intelligence of mankind decreasing.  Details at ... uh, when
+the little hand is on the ....
+
+Only God can make random selections.
+
+Space is big.  You just won't believe how vastly, hugely, mind-
+bogglingly big it is.  I mean, you may think it's a long way down the
+road to the drug store, but that's just peanuts to space.
+
+                —— "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy"
+
+Limericks are art forms complex,
+Their topics run chiefly to sex.
+        They usually have virgins,
+        And masculine urgin's,
+And other erotic effects.
+
+Kinkler's First Law:
+        Responsibility always exceeds authority.
+
+Kinkler's Second Law:
+        All the easy problems have been solved.
+
+"Why be a man when you can be a success?"
+                —— Bertold Brecht
+
+"Matrimony isn't a word, it's a sentence."
+
+How many Zen masters does it take to screw in a light bulb?
+
+None.  The Universe spines the bulb, and the Zen master stays out of
+the way.
+
+University: Like a software house, except the software's free, and it's
+usable, and it works, and if it breaks they'll quickly tell you how to
+fix it, and ...
+
+How many hardware engineers does it take to change a lightbulb?
+None: "We'll fix it in software."
+
+How many software engineers does it take to change a lightbulb?
+None: "We'll document it in the manual."
+
+How many tech writers does it take to change a lightbulb?
+None: "The user can work it out."
+
+God made the Idiot for practice, and then He made the School Board
+                —— Mark Twain
+
+Be wary of strong drink.  It can make you shoot at tax collectors and
+miss
+
+Bride: A woman with a fine prospect of happiness behind her.
+
+The Pig, if I am not mistaken,
+Gives us ham and pork and Bacon.
+Let others think his heart is big,
+I think it stupid of the Pig.
+
+I think that I shall never see
+A billboard lovely as a tree.
+Perhaps, unless the billboards fall
+I'll never see a tree at all.
+
+Bizarreness is the essence of the exotic
+
+Today is the first day of the rest of the mess
+
+Today is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday
+
+Just because you're paranoid doesn't mean they AREN'T after you.
+
+Paranoia is simply an optimistic outlook on life.
+
+Take heart amid the deepening gloom that your dog is finally getting
+enough cheese
+
+Whether you can hear it or not
+The Universe is laughing behind your back
+
+Go 'way!  You're bothering me!
+
+Put your Nose to the Grindstone!
+                —— Amalgamated Plastic Surgeons and Toolmakers, Ltd.
+
+Chicken Soup:  An ancient miracle drug containing equal parts of
+aureomycin, cocaine, interferon, and TLC.  The only ailment chicken
+soup can't cure is neurotic dependence on one's mother.
+                —— Arthur Naiman
+
+One of the oldest problems puzzled over in the Talmud is: "Why did God
+create goyim?"  The generally accepted answer is "_s_o_m_e_b_o_d_y has to buy
+retail."
+                —— Arthur Naiman
+
+"I am not an Economist.  I am an honest man!"
+                —— Paul McCracken
+
+Dying is a very dull, dreary affair.  And my advice to you is to
+have nothing whatever to do with it.
+                —— W. Somerset Maughm
+
+Good-bye.  I am leaving because I am bored.
+                —— George Saunders' dying words
+
+Die?  I should say not, dear fellow.  No Barrymore would allow such a
+conventional thing to happen to him.
+                —— John Barrymore's dying words
+
+Every program is a part of some other program, and rarely fits.
+
+It is easier to write an incorrect program than understand a correct
+one.
+
+If you have a procedure with 10 parameters, you probably missed some.
+
+Everyting should be built top-down, except the first time.
+
+Every program has (at least) two purposes: the one for which it was
+written and another for which it wasn't.
+
+If a listener nods his head when you're explaining your program, wake
+him up.
+
+Optimization hinders evolution.
+
+A language that doesn't affect the way you think about programming is
+not worth knowing.
+
+Everyone can be taught to sculpt:  Michelangelo would have had to be
+taught how _n_o_t to.  So it is with the great programmers.
+
+Never put off till tomorrow what you can avoid all together.
+
+Never call a man a fool.  Borrow from him.
+
+Mistakes are often the stepping stones to utter failure.
+
+A truly wise man never plays leapfrog with a unicorn.
+
+Stop searching.  Happiness is right next to you.
+
+Stop searching.  Happiness is right next to you.  Now, if they'd only
+take a bath...
+
+"He was so narrow minded he could see through a keyhole with both
+eyes..."
+
+It seems like the less a statesman amounts to, the more he loves the
+flag.
+
+Why did the Lord give us so much quickness of movement unless it was to
+avoid responsibility with?
+
+SHIFT TO THE LEFT!  SHIFT TO THE RIGHT!
+POP UP, PUSH DOWN, BYTE, BYTE, BYTE!
+
+The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the
+average man can see better than he can think.
+
+"If God lived on Earth, people would knock out all His windows."
+                —— Yiddish saying
+
+Waiter: "Tea or coffee, gentlemen?"
+1st customer: "I'll have tea."
+2nd customer: "Me, too —— and be sure the glass is clean!"
+        (Waiter exits, returns)
+Waiter: "Two teas.  Which one asked for the clean glass?"
+
+The men sat sipping their tea in silence.  After a while the klutz
+said, "Life is like a bowl of sour cream."
+     "Like a bowl of sour cream?" asked the other.  "Why?"
+     "How should I know?  What am I, a philosopher?"
+
+Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on
+people.
+                —— W. C. Fields
+
+There is something fascinating about science.  One gets such wholesale
+returns of conjecture out of such a trifling investment of fact.
+                —— Mark Twain
+
+This will be a memorable month —— no matter how hard you try to forget
+it.
+
+Afternoon very favorable for romance.  Try a single person for a
+change.
+
+Beware of low-flying butterflies.
+
+Green light in A.M. for new projects.  Red light in P.M. for traffic
+tickets.
+
+Artistic ventures highlighted.  Rob a museum.
+
+Keep emotionally active.  Cater to your favorite neurosis.
+
+Your analyst has you mixed up with another patient.  Don't believe a
+thing he tells you.
+
+Do not drink coffee in early A.M.  It will keep you awake until noon.
+
+You may be recognized soon.  Hide.
+
+You have the capacity to learn from mistakes.  You'll learn a lot
+today.
+
+Good day for overcoming obstacles.  Try a steeplechase.
+
+Day of inquiry.  You will be subpoenaed.
+
+You could get a new lease on life —— if only you didn't need the first
+and last month in advance.
+
+Surprise your boss.  Get to work on time.
+
+You're being followed.  Cut out the hanky-panky for a few days.
+
+Don't kiss an elephant on the lips today.
+
+Future looks spotty.  You will spill soup in late evening.
+
+Don't feed the bats tonight.
+
+Stay away from flying saucers today.
+
+You've been leading a dog's life.  Stay off the furniture.
+
+Do not sleep in a eucalyptus tree tonight.
+
+Help a swallow land at Capistrano.
+
+Succumb to natural tendencies.  Be hateful and boring.
+
+Half Moon tonight.  (At least its better than no Moon at all.)
+
+Another good night not to sleep in a eucalyptus tree.
+
+Message will arrive in the mail.  Destroy, before the FBI sees it.
+
+Do what comes naturally now.  Seethe and fume and throw a tantrum.
+
+Perfect day for scrubbing the floor and other exciting things.
+
+Be free and open and breezy!  Enjoy!  Things won't get any better so
+get used to it.
+
+Truth will be out this morning.  (Which may really mess things up.)
+
+Travel important today;  Internal Revenue men arrive tomorrow.
+
+Good day for a change of scene.  Repaper the bedroom wall.
+
+You can create your own opportunities this week.  Blackmail a senior
+executive.
+
+Fine day to throw a party.  Throw him as far as you can.
+
+Good news.  Ten weeks from Friday will be a pretty good day.
+
+Think of your family tonight.  Try to crawl home after the
+computer crashes.
+
+Show respect for age.  Drink good Scotch for a change.
+
+Give thought to your reputation.  Consider changing name and moving to
+a new town.
+
+If you think last Tuesday was a drag, wait till you see what happens
+tomorrow!
+
+Excellent day to have a rotten day.
+
+You worry too much about your job.  Stop it.  You are not paid enough
+to worry.
+
+Don't tell any big lies today.  Small ones can be just as effective.
+
+Others will look to you for stability, so hide when you bite your
+nails.
+
+Tonight's the night: Sleep in a eucalyptus tree.
+
+A professor is one who talks in someone else's sleep.
+
+Cynic: A blackguard whose faulty vision sees things as they are, not as
+they ought to be.  Hence the custom among the Scythians of plucking out
+a cynic's eyes to improve his vision.
+
+Happiness: An agreeable sensation arising from contemplating the misery
+of another.
+
+Our country has plenty of good five-cent cigars, but the trouble is
+they charge fifteen cents for them.
+
+Question:
+Man Invented Alcohol,
+God Invented Grass.
+Who do you trust?
+
+The brain is a wonderful organ; it starts working the moment you get up
+in the morning, and does not stop until you get to school.
+
+You cannot kill time without injuring eternity.
+
+Enzymes are things invented by biologists that explain things which
+otherwise require harder thinking.
+                —— Jerome Lettvin
+
+Ten years of rejection slips is nature's way of telling you to stop
+writing.
+                —— R. Geis
+
+Paranoids are people, too; they have their own problems.  It's easy to
+criticize, but if everybody hated you, you'd be paranoid too.
+                —— D. J. Hicks
+
+What use is magic if it can't save a unicorn?
+                —— Peter S. Beagle
+
+If at first you don't succeed, give up, no use being a damn fool.
+
+According to the latest official figures, 43% of all statistics are
+totally worthless.
+
+Wasting time is an important part of living.
+
+Due to a shortage of devoted followers, the production of great leaders
+has been discontinued.
+
+I'm prepared for all emergencies but totally unprepared for everyday
+life.
+
+Excellent day for drinking heavily.  Spike office water cooler.
+
+Excellent time to become a missing person.
+
+A day for firm decisions!!!!!  Or is it?
+
+Fine day to work off excess energy.  Steal something heavy.
+
+Spend extra time on hobby.  Get plenty of rolling papers.
+
+Things will be bright in P.M.  A cop will shine a light in your face.
+
+Good day to avoid cops.  Crawl to school.
+
+Screw up your courage!  You've screwed up everything else.
+
+Don't believe everything you hear or anything you say.
+
+Do something unusual today.  Pay a bill.
+
+You will be a winner today.  Pick a fight with a four-year-old.
+
+Troubled day for virgins over 16 who are beautiful and wealthy and live
+in eucalyptus trees.
+
+Surprise due today.  Also the rent.
+
+Avoid reality at all costs.
+
+Good day to let down old friends who need help.
+
+Next Friday will not be your lucky day.  As a matter of fact, you don't
+have a lucky day this year.
+
+You are wise, witty, and wonderful, but you spend too much time reading
+this sort of trash.
+
+What the hell, go ahead and put all your eggs in one basket.
+
+Don't go surfing in South Dakota for a while.
+
+Celebrate Hannibal Day this year.  Take an elephant to lunch.
+
+Stay away from hurricanes for a while.
+
+A chubby man with a white beard and a red suit will approach you soon.
+Avoid him.  He's a Commie.
+
+I really hate this damned machine
+I wish that they would sell it.
+It never does quite what I want
+But only what I tell it.
+
+Caution: breathing may be hazardous to your health.
+
+Remember, even if you win the rat race —— you're still a rat.
+
+Nihilism should commence with oneself.
+
+Vote anarchist
+
+I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous.
+
+Nudists are people who wear one-button suits.
+
+Tomorrow will be canceled due to lack of interest.
+
+Old soldiers never die.  Young ones do.
+
+UFO's are for real: the Air Force doesn't exist.
+
+In case of atomic attack, the federal ruling against prayer in schools
+will be temporarily canceled.
+
+Drive defensively.  Buy a tank.
+
+Alexander Graham Bell is alive and well in New York, and still waiting
+for a dial tone.
+
+The meek shall inherit the earth —— they are too weak to refuse.
+
+Condense soup, not books!
+
+The world is coming to an end!  Repent and return those library books!
+
+Philadelphia is not dull —— it just seems so because it is next to
+exciting Delaware, New Jersy. (Home of Barry Fletcher!)
+
+Never be led astray onto the path of virtue.
+
+Give your child mental blocks for Christmas.
+
+Mickey Mouse wears a Spiro Agnew watch.
+
+Minnie Mouse is a slow maze learner.
+
+Don't hate yourself in the morning —— sleep till noon.
+
+Keep America beautiful.  Swallow your beer cans.
+
+What this country needs is a good five cent ANYTHING!
+
+Hire the morally handicapped.
+
+I can resist anything but temptation.
+
+Modern man is the missing link between apes and human beings.
+
+Don't knock President Fillmore.  He kept us out of Vietnam.
+
+Earn cash in your spare time —— blackmail your friends.
+
+Keep grandma off the streets —— legalize bingo.
+
+Reporter (to Mahatma Gandhi): Mr Gandhi, what do you think of
+        Western Civilization?
+Gandhi: I think it would be a good idea.
+
+Xerox never comes up with anything original.
+
+Acid —— better living through chemistry.
+
+
+    "All flesh is grass"
+          —— Isaiah
+
+            Smoke a friend today.
+
+"You'll never be the man your mother was!"
+
+George Orwell was an optimist.
+
+Chicken Little was right.
+
+"Qvid me anxivs svm?"
+
+Gravity is a myth, the Earth sucks.
+
+Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.
+
+Cleveland still lives.  God _m_u_s_t be dead.
+
+Don't cook tonight —— starve a rat today!
+
+They're only trying to make me LOOK paranoid!
+
+Hail to the sun god
+He sure is a fun god
+Ra!  Ra!  Ra!
+
+Brain fried —— Core dumped
+
+Remember, UNIX spelled backwards is XINU.
+
+Time is nature's way of making sure that everything doesn't happen at
+once.
+
+If God had wanted you to go around nude, He would have given you bigger
+hands.
+
+What this country needs is a good five-cent nickel.
+
+Losing your drivers' license is just God's way of saying "BOOGA, BOOGA!"
+
+A closed mouth gathers no foot.
+
+A diva who specializes in risqu'e arias is an off-coloratura soprano...
+
+Q: How many IBM cpu's does it take to do a logical right shift?
+A: 33.  1 to hold the bits and 32 to push the register.
+
+Violence is the last refuge of the incompetent.
+                —— Salvor Hardin
+
+"Who cares if it doesn't do anything?  It was made with our new
+Triple-Iso-Bifurcated-Krypton-Gate-MOS process..."
+
+"There are three possibilities: Pioneer's solar panel has turned away
+>from the sun; there's a large meteor blocking transmission; or someone
+loaded Star Trek 3.2 into our video processor."
+
+If time heals all wounds, how come the belly button stays the same?
+
+Ban the bomb.  Save the world for conventional warfare.
+
+Death is nature's way of telling you to slow down
+
+Down with categorical imperative!
+
+Earn cash in your spare time —— blackmail your friends
+
+Life is a yo-yo, and mankind ties knots in the string.
+
+Things are more like they used to be than they are now.
+
+Hummingbirds never remember the words to songs.
+
+Lysistrata had a good idea.
+
+Reality is an obstacle to hallucination.
+
+Paul Revere was a tattle-tale
+
+Familiarity breeds attempt
+
+Coronation: The ceremony of investing a sovereign with the outward and
+visible signs of his divine right to be blown skyhigh with a dynamite
+bomb.
+
+Coward: One who in a perilous emergency thinks with his legs.
+
+Idiot: A member of a large and powerful tribe whose influence in human
+affairs has always been dominant and controlling.
+
+Honorable: Afflicted with an impediment in one's reach.  In legislative
+bodies, it is customary to mention all members as honorable; as, "the
+honorable gentleman is a scurvy cur."
+
+Year: A period of three hundred and sixty-five disappointments.
+
+God did not create the world in 7 days; he screwed around for 6 days
+and then pulled an all-nighter.
+
+God is a polythiest
+
+God isn't dead, he just couldn't find a parking place.
+
+If God is perfect, why did He create discontinuous functions?
+
+        "And what will you do when you grow up to be as big as me?"
+asked the father of his little son.
+        "Diet."
+
+Admiration: Our polite recognition of another's resemblance to
+ourselves.
+
+Death: to stop sinning suddenly.
+
+"Might as well be frank, monsieur.  It would take a miracle to get you
+out of Casablanca and the Germans have outlawed miracles."
+
+Slang is language that takes off its coat, spits on its hands, and goes
+to work.
+
+"That must be wonderful!  I don't understand it at all."
+
+The chicken that clucks the loudest is the one most likely to show up
+at the steam fitters' picnic.
+
+As far as the laws of mathematics refer to reality, they are not
+certain; and as far as they are certain, they do not refer to reality.
+                —— Albert Einstein
+
+Death is life's way of telling you you've been fired.
+                —— R. Geis
+
+"Contrariwise," continued Tweedledee, "if it was so, it might be, and
+if it were so, it would be; but as it isn't, it ain't.  That's logic!"
+                —— Lewis Carroll
+
+It is the business of the future to be dangerous.
+                —— Hawkwind
+
+The earth is like a tiny grain of sand, only much, much heavier.
+
+There was a young poet named Dan,
+Whose poetry never would scan.
+        When told this was so,
+        He said, "Yes, I know.
+It's because I try to put every possible syllable into that last line
+that I can."
+
+A limerick packs laughs anatomical
+Into space that is quite economical.
+        But the good ones I've seen
+        So seldom are clean,
+And the clean ones so seldom are comical.
+
+"We don't care.  We don't have to.  We're the Phone Company."
+
+"Here at the Phone Company, we serve all kinds of people; from
+Presidents and Kings to the scum of the earth..."
+
+"Why isn't there a special name for the tops of your feet?"
+                —— Lily Tomlin
+
+God is not dead!  He's alive and autographing bibles at Cody's
+
+"If I had only known, I would have been a locksmith."
+                —— Albert Einstein
+
+If someone had told me I would be Pope one day, I would have studied
+harder.
+                —— Pope John Paul I
+
+There's only one way to have a happy marriage and as soon as I learn
+what it is I'll get married again.
+                —— Clint Eastwood
+
+Flappity, floppity, flip
+The mouse on the m"obius strip;
+        The strip revolved,
+        The mouse dissolved
+In a chronodimensional skip.
+
+...And malt does more than Milton can
+to justify God's ways to man
+                —— A. E. Housman
+
+WHERE CAN THE MATTER BE
+
+        Oh, dear, where can the matter be
+        When it's converted to energy?
+        There is a slight loss of parity.
+        Johnny's so long at the fair.
+
+IBM had a PL/I,
+        Its syntax worse than JOSS;
+And everywhere this language went,
+        It was a total loss.
+
+System/3!  System/3!
+See how it runs!  See how it runs!
+        Its monitor loses so totally!
+        It runs all its programs in RPG!
+        It's made by our favorite monopoly!
+System/3!
+
+As I was passing Project MAC,
+I met a Quux with seven hacks.
+Every hack had seven bugs;
+Every bug had seven manifestations;
+Every manifestation had seven symptoms.
+Symptoms, manifestations, bugs, and hacks,
+How many losses at Project MAC?
+
+Reclaimer, spare that tree!
+Take not a single bit!
+It used to point to me,
+Now I'm protecting it.
+It was the reader's CONS
+That made it, paired by dot;
+Now, GC, for the nonce,
+Thou shalt reclaim it not.
+
+99 blocks of crud on the disk,
+99 blocks of crud!
+You patch a bug, and dump it again:
+100 blocks of crud on the disk!
+
+100 blocks of crud on the disk,
+100 blocks of crud!
+You patch a bug, and dump it again:
+101 blocks of crud on the disk!...
+
+THE GOLDEN RULE OF ARTS AND SCIENCES
+        The one who has the gold makes the rules.
+
+If the odds are a million to one against something occurring, chances
+are 50-50 it will.
+
+A.A.A.A.A.: An organization for drunks who drive
+
+Accident: A condition in which presence of mind is good, but absence of
+body is better.
+                —— Foolish Dictionary
+
+Accordion: A bagpipe with pleats.
+
+Accuracy: The vice of being right
+
+"Acting is an art which consists of keeping the audience from
+coughing."
+
+Adolescence: The stage between puberty and adultery.
+
+Adult: One old enough to know better.
+
+Advertisement: The most truthful part of a newspaper
+                —— Thomas Jefferson
+
+Good advice is something a man gives when he is too old to set a bad
+example.
+                —— La Rouchefoucauld
+
+Afternoon: That part of the day we spend worrying about how we wasted
+the morning.
+
+Alimony is a system by which, when two people make a mistake, one of
+them keeps paying for it.
+                —— Peggy Joyce
+
+Ambition is a poor excuse for not having sense enough to be lazy.
+                —— Charlie McCarthy
+
+America may be unique in being a country which has leapt from barbarism
+to decadence without touching civilization.
+                —— John O'Hara
+
+Antonym: The opposite of the word you're trying to think of.
+
+Arithmetic is being able to count up to twenty without taking off your
+shoes.
+                —— Mickey Mouse
+
+Ass: The masculine of "lass".
+
+Automobile: A four-wheeled vehicle that runs up hills and down
+pedestrians.
+
+A baby is an alimentary canal with a loud voice at one end and no
+responsibility at the other.
+
+A bachelor is a selfish, undeserving guy who has cheated some woman
+out of a divorce.
+                —— Don Quinn
+
+A banker is a fellow who lends you his umbrella when the sun is shining
+and wants it back the minute it begins to rain.
+                —— Mark Twain
+
+Boy: A noise with dirt on it.
+
+Broad-mindedness: The result of flattening high-mindedness out.
+
+A budget is just a method of worrying before you spend money, as well
+as afterward.
+
+California is a fine place to live —— if you happen to be an orange.
+                —— Fred Allen
+
+A candidate is a person who gets money from the rich and votes from the
+poor to protect them from each other.
+
+Children are natural mimic who act like their parents despite every
+effort to teach them good manners.
+
+Christ: A man who was born at least 5,000 years ahead of his time.
+
+Cigarette: A fire at one end, a fool at the other, and a bit of
+tobacco in between.
+
+A city is a large community where people are lonesome together
+                —— Herbert Prochnow
+
+"The climate of Bombay is such that its inhabitants have to live
+elsewhere."
+
+Collaboration: A literary partnership based on the false assumption
+that the other fellow can spell.
+
+Conscience is the inner voice that warns us somebody is looking
+                —— H. L. Mencken
+
+Conversation: A vocal competition in which the one who is catching his
+breath is called the listener.
+
+"Calvin Coolidge was the greatest man who ever came out of Plymouth
+Corner, Vermont."
+                —— Clarence Darrow
+
+The cow is nothing but a machine with makes grass fit for us people to
+eat.
+                —— John McNulty
+
+Cynic: One who looks through rose-colored glasses with a jaundiced eye.
+
+Democracy is a form of government that substitutes election by the
+incompetent many for appointment by the corrupt few.
+                —— G. B. Shaw
+
+Democracy is a form of government in which it is permitted to wonder
+aloud what the country could do under first-class management.
+                —— Senator Soaper
+
+Die: To stop sinning suddenly.
+                —— Elbert Hubbard
+
+Diplomacy is the art of saying "nice doggy" until you can find a rock.
+
+A diplomat is a man who can convince his wife she'd look stout in a
+fur coat.
+
+Egotism is the anesthetic given by a kindly nature to relieve the pain
+of being a damned fool.
+                —— Bellamy Brooks
+
+Electrocution: Burning at the stake with all the modern improvements.
+
+Experience is that marvelous thing that enables you recognize a
+mistake when you make it again.
+                —— F. P. Jones
+
+"It's Fabulous!  We haven't seen anything like it in the last half an
+hour!"
+                —— Macy's
+
+Fairy Tale: A horror story to prepare children for the newspapers.
+
+Faith is the quality that enables you to eat blackberry jam on a picnic
+without looking to see whether the seeds move.
+
+Fashion is a form of ugliness so intolerable that we have to alter it
+every six months.
+                —— Oscar Wilde
+
+We wish you a Hare Krishna
+We wish you a Hare Krishna
+We wish you a Hare Krishna
+And a Sun Myung Moon!
+
+                —— Maxwell Smart
+
+If God had meant for us to be naked, we would have been born that way.
+
+There was a young lady from Hyde
+Who ate a green apple and died.
+        While her lover lamented
+        The apple fermented
+And made cider inside her inside.
+
+If I traveled to the end of the rainbow
+As Dame Fortune did intend,
+Murphy would be there to tell me
+The pot's at the other end.
+                —— Bert Whitney
+
+Silverman's Law:
+        If Murphy's Law can go wrong, it will.
+
+Hindsight is an exact science.
+
+Ducharme's Precept:
+        Opportunity always knocks at the least opportune moment.
+
+If you don't care where you are, then you ain't lost.
+
+Naeser's Law:
+        You can make it foolproof, but you can't make it
+        damnfoolproof.
+
+The Third Law of Photography:
+        If you did manage to get any good shots, they will be ruined
+        when someone inadvertently opens the darkroom door and all of
+        the dark leaks out.
+
+Mollison's Bureaucracy Hypothesis:
+        If an idea can survive a bureaucratic review and be implemented
+        it wasn't worth doing.
+
+Conway's Law:
+        In any organization there will always be one person who knows
+        what is going on.
+
+        This person must be fired.
+
+It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.
+
+Consultants are mystical people who ask a company for a number and then
+give it back to them.
+
+There is no time like the present for postponing what you ought to be
+doing.
+
+Important letters which contain no errors will develop errors in the
+mail.  Corresponding errors will show up in the duplicate while the
+Boss is reading it.
+
+Vital papers will demonstrate their vitality by spontaneously moving
+>from where you left them to where you can't find them.
+
+DeVries' Dilemma:
+        If you hit two keys on the typewriter, the one you don't want
+        hits the paper.
+
+When you do not know what you are doing, do it neatly.
+
+Finagle's Creed:
+        Science is true.  Don't be misled by facts.
+
+Velilind's Laws of Experimentation:
+        1.  If reproducibility may be a problem, conduct the test only
+            once.
+        2.  If a straight line fit is required, obtain only two data
+            points.
+
+Rocky's Lemma of Innovation Prevention
+        Unless the results are known in advance, funding agencies will
+        reject the proposal.
+
+Steinbach's Guideline for Systems Programming
+        Never test for an error condition you don't know how to
+        handle.
+
+When the government bureau's remedies do not match your problem, you
+modify the problem, not the remedy.
+
+Horngren's Observation:
+        Among economists, the real world is often a special case.
+
+First Rule of History:
+        History doesn't repeat itself —— historians merely repeat each
+        other.
+
+Hanlon's Razor:
+        Never attribute to malice that which is adequately explained by
+        stupidity.
+
+Fourth Law of Applied Terror:
+        The night before the English History mid-term, your Biology
+        instructor will assign 200 pages on planaria.
+Corollary:
+        Every instructor assumes that you have nothing else to do
+        except study for that instructor's course.
+
+Fifth Law of Applied Terror:
+        If you are given an open-book exam, you will forget your book.
+Corollary:
+        If you are given a take-home exam, you will forget where you
+        live.
+
+Just because your doctor has a name for your condition doesn't mean he
+knows what it is.
+
+Only adults have difficulty with childproof caps.
+
+Anything labeled "NEW" and/or "IMPROVED" isn't.  The label means the
+price went up.  The label "ALL NEW", "COMPLETELY NEW", or "GREAT NEW"
+means the price went way up.
+
+Re graphics:  A picture is worth 10K words —— but only those to
+describe the picture.  Hardly any sets of 10K words can be adequately
+described with pictures.
+
+There are two ways to write error-free programs.  Only the third one
+works.
+
+As Will Rogers would have said, "There is no such things as a free
+variable."
+
+The best book on programming for the layman is "Alice in Wonderland";
+but that's because it's the best book on anything for the layman.
+
+Bringing computers into the home won't change either one, but may
+revitalize the corner saloon.
+
+Beware of the Turing Tar-pit in which everything is possible but
+nothing of interest is easy.
+
+A LISP programmer knows the value of everything, but the cost of
+nothing.
+
+It is easier to change the specification to fit the program than vice
+versa.
+
+In English, every word can be verbed.  Would that it were so in our
+programming languages.
+
+In a five year period we can get one superb programming language.  Only
+we can't control when the five year period will begin.
+
+Is it possible that software is not like anything else, that it is
+meant to be discarded:  That the whole point is to always see it as a
+soap bubble?
+
+A year spent in artificial intelligence is enough to make one believe
+in God.
+
+When someone says "I want a programming language in which I need only
+say what I wish done," give him a lollipop.
+
+Dealing with failure is easy:  Work hard to improve.  Success is also
+easy to handle:  You've solved the wrong problem.  Work hard to
+improve.
+
+One can't proceed from the informal to the formal by formal means.
+
+Think of it!  With VLSI we can pack 100 ENIACs in 1 sq. cm.!
+
+Why did the Roman Empire collapse?  What is the Latin for office
+automation?
+
+If there are epigrams, there must be meta-epigrams.
+
+Be different: conform.
+
+Save energy: be apathetic.
+
+I have seen the future and it is just like the present, only longer.
+                —— Kehlog Albran
+
+"Stealing a rhinoceros should not be attempted lightly."
+
+"It is easier for a camel to pass through the eye of a needle if it is
+lightly greased."
+                —— Kehlog Albran
+
+"Arguments with furniture are rarely productive."
+                —— Kehlog Albran
+
+"Even the best of friends cannot attend each other's funeral."
+                —— Kehlog Albran
+
+There's no point in being grown up if you can't be childish sometimes.
+                —— Dr. Who
+
+"Just once, I wish we would encounter an alien menace that wasn't
+immune to bullets"
+                —— The Brigader, from Dr. Who
+
+The National Short-Sleeved Shirt Association says:
+        Support your right to bare arms!
+
+They also surf who only stand on waves.
+
+Signs of crime: screaming or cries for help.
+                —— from the Brown Security Crime Prevention Pamphlet
+
+In the long run, every program becomes rococo, and then rubble.
+                —— Alan Perlis
+
+You can measure a programmer's perspective by noting his attitude on
+the continuing viability of Fortran.
+                —— Alan Perlis
+
+A Lisp programmer knows the value of everything, but the cost of
+nothing.
+                —— Alan Perlis
+
+The computing field is always in need of new cliches.
+                —— Alan Perlis
+
+It is against the grain of modern education to teach children to
+program.  What fun is there in making plans, acquiring discipline in
+organizing thoughts, devoting attention to detail, and learning to be
+self-critical?
+                —— Alan Perlis
+
+"Please try to limit the amount of `this room doesn't have any
+bazingas' until you are told that those rooms are `punched out.'  Once
+punched out, we have a right to complain about atrocities, missing
+bazingas, and such."
+                —— N. Meyrowitz
+
+People will buy anything that's one to a customer.
+
+Pereant, inquit, qui ante nos nostra dixerunt.
+[Confound those who have said our remarks before us.]
+                —— Aelius Donatus
+
+If God had not given us sticky tape, it would have been necessary to
+invent it.
+
+It is amusing that a virtue is made of the vice of chastity; and it's a
+pretty odd sort of chastity at that, which leads men straight into the
+sin of Onan, and girls to the waning of their color.
+                —— Voltaire
+
+The superfluous is very necessary.
+                —— Voltaire
+
+It is one of the superstitions of the human mind to have imagined that
+virginity could be a virtue.
+                —— Voltaire
+
+I'm very good at integral and differential calculus,
+I know the scientific names of beings animalculous;
+In short, in matters vegetable, animal, and mineral,
+I am the very model of a modern Major-General.
+
+Oh don't the days seem lank and long
+        When all goes right and none goes wrong,
+And isn't your life extremely flat
+        With nothing whatever to grumble at!
+
+An Englishman never enjoys himself, except for a noble purpose.
+                —— A. P. Herbert
+
+Old age is the most unexpected of things that can happen to a man.
+                —— Trotsky
+
+It is not enough to succeed.  Others must fail.
+                —— Gore Vidal
+
+A celebrity is a person who is known for his well-knownness.
+
+The rain it raineth on the just
+        And also on the unjust fella,
+But chiefly on the just, because
+        The unjust steals the just's umbrella.
+
+The world's as ugly as sin,
+And almost as delightful
+                —— Frederick Locker-Lampson
+
+        "Reflections on Ice-Breaking"
+Candy
+Is dandy
+But liquor
+Is quicker.
+
+                —— Ogden Nash
+
+Maturity is only a short break in adolescence.
+                —— Jules Feiffer
+
+Some people in this department wouldn't recognize subtlety if it hit
+them on the head.
+
+You cannot achieve the impossible without attempting the absurd.
+
+For every complex problem, there is a solution that is simple, neat,
+and wrong.
+                —— H. L. Mencken
+
+Death is God's way of telling you not to be such a wise guy.
+
+Research is what I'm doing when I don't know what I'm doing.
+                —— Wernher von Braun
+
+Death is Nature's way of recycling human beings.
+
+"Grub first, then ethics."
+                —— Bertolt Brecht
+
+"I drink to make other people interesting."
+                —— George Jean Nathan
+
+"Pascal is not a high-level language."
+                —— Steven Feiner
+
+E Pluribus Unix
+
+Everybody wants to go to heaven, but nobody wants to die.
+
+You are only young once, but you can stay immature indefinitely.
+
+Immortality —— a fate worse than death.
+                —— Edgar A. Shoaff
+
+The trouble with being punctual is that people think you have nothing
+more important to do.
+
+You can't carve your way to success without cutting remarks.
+
+All I ask of life is a constant and exaggerated sense of my own
+importance.
+
+If only one could get that wonderful feeling of accomplishment without
+having to accomplish anything.
+
+My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I am right.
+
+No man is an island, but some of us are long peninsulas.
+
+The goal of Computer Science is to build something that will last at
+least until we've finished building it.
+
+It's really quite a simple choice: Life, Death, or Los Angeles.
+
+Everything is controlled by a small evil group to which, unfortunately,
+no one we know belongs.
+
+All I ask is a chance to prove that money can't make me happy.
+
+If you can't learn to do it well, learn to enjoy doing it badly.
+
+Anything is good if it's made of chocolate.
+
+There has been an alarming increase in the number of things you know
+nothing about.
+
+What makes the universe so hard to comprehend is that there's nothing
+to compare it with.
+
+It may be that your whole purpose in life is simply to serve as a
+warning to others.
+
+To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and, whatever you hit,
+call it the target.
+
+If only I could be respected without having to be respectable.
+
+Nothing is illegal if one hundred businessmen decide to do it.
+                —— Andrew Young
+
+The individual choice of garnishment of a burger can be an important
+point to the consumer in this day when individualism is an increasingly
+important thing to people.
+                —— Donald N. Smith, president of Burger King
+
+"If you can count your money, you don't have a billion dollars."
+                —— J. Paul Getty
+
+Hell hath no fury like a bureaucrat scorned.
+                —— Milton Friedman
+
+The cost of living is going up, and the chance of living is going
+down.
+
+There are really not many jobs that actually require a penis or a
+vagina, and all other occupations should be open to everyone.
+                —— Gloria Steinem
+
+We are confronted with insurmountable opportunities.
+                —— Pogo
+
+Nothing recedes like success.
+                —— Walter Winchell
+
+I do not fear computers.  I fear the lack of them.
+                —— Isaac Asimov
+
+Sometimes I worry about being a success in a mediocre world.
+                —— Lily Tomlin
+
+Tax reform means "Don't tax you, don't tax me, tax that fellow behind
+the tree."
+                —— Russell Long
+
+Some people are born mediocre, some people achieve mediocrity, and some
+people have mediocrity thrust upon them.
+                —— Joseph Heller
+
+Yesterday I was a dog.  Today I'm a dog.  Tomorrow I'll probably still
+be a dog. Sigh!  There's so little hope for advancement.
+                —— Snoopy
+
+If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car
+payments.
+                —— Earl Wilson
+
+The trouble with being poor is that it takes up all your time.
+
+If all else fails, immortality can always be assured by spectacular
+error.
+                —— John Kenneth Galbraith
+
+Where humor is concerned there are no standards —— no one can say what
+is good or bad, although you can be sure that everyone will.
+                —— John Kenneth Galbraith
+
+TV is chewing gum for the eyes.
+                —— Frank Lloyd Wright
+
+He who attacks the fundamentals of the American broadcasting industry
+attacks democracy itself.
+                —— William S. Paley, chairman of CBS
+
+Passionate hatred can give meaning and purpose to an empty life.
+                —— Eric Hoffer
+
+You couldn't even prove the White House staff sane beyond a reasonable
+doubt.
+                —— Ed Meese, on the Hinckley verdict
+
+If you think the United States has stood still, who built the largest
+shopping center in the world?
+                —— Richard Nixon
+
+If at first you don't succeed, redefine success.
+
+                AMAZING BUT TRUE...
+If all the salmon caught in Canada in one year were laid end to end
+across the Sahara Desert, the smell would be absolutely awful.
+
+                AMAZING BUT TRUE...
+There is so much sand in Northern Africa that if it were spread out it
+would completely cover the Sahara Desert.
+
+Anyone who is capable of getting themselves made President should on no
+account be allowed to do the job.
+                —— The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy
+
+With a rubber duck, one's never alone.
+                —— The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy
+
+A nuclear war can ruin your whole day.
+
+SOFTWARE —— formal evening attire for female computer analysts.
+
+Today is National Existential Ennui Awareness Day.
+
+In the Top 40, half the songs are secret messages to the teen world to
+drop out, turn on, and groove with the chemicals and light shows at
+discotheques.
+                —— Art Linkletter
+
+Most people wouldn't know music if it came up and bit them on the ass.
+                —— Frank Zappa
+
+Justice is incidental to law and order.
+                —— J. Edgar Hoover
+
+The fortune program is supported, in part, by user contributions and by
+a major grant from the National Endowment for the Inanities.
+
+Flon's Law:
+        There is not now, and never will be, a language in which it is
+        the least bit difficult to write bad programs.
+
+I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not so sure.
+
+"The warning message we sent the Russians was a calculated ambiguity
+that would be clearly understood."
+                —— Alexander Haig
+
+This life is a test.  It is only a test.  Had this been an actual life,
+you would have received further instructions as to what to do and where
+to go.
+
+To YOU I'm an atheist; to God, I'm the Loyal Opposition.
+                —— Woody Allen
+
+"Earth is a great funhouse without the fun."
+                —— Jeff Berner
+
+Cocaine —— the thinking man's Dristan.
+
+This is National Non-Dairy Creamer Week.
+
+When in doubt, do what the President does —— guess.
+
+Marriage is the only adventure open to the cowardly.
+                —— Voltaire
+
+Q: How many DEC repairman does it take to fix a flat ?
+A: Five; four to hold the car up and one to swap tires.
+
+Q: How many IBM CPU's does it take to execute a job?
+A: Four; three to hold it down, and one to rip its head off.
+
+SEMINARS:  From 'semi' and 'arse', hence, any half-assed discussion.
+
+POLITICIAN:  From the Greek 'poly' ("many") and the French 'tete'
+("head" or "face," as in 'tete-a-tete': head to head or face to face).
+Hence 'polytetien', a person of two or more faces.
+                —— Martin Pitt
+
+CALIFORNIA:  From Latin 'calor', meaning "heat" (as in English
+'calorie' or Spanish 'caliente'); and 'fornia', for "sexual
+intercourse" or "fornication." Hence:  Tierra de California, "the land
+of hot sex."
+                —— Ed Moran, Covina, California
+
+Armadillo: to provide weapons to a Spanish pickle
+
+Micro Credo: Never trust a computer bigger than you can lift.
+
+"Nondeterminism means never having to say you are wrong."
+
+Bumper sticker:
+
+"All the parts falling off this car are of the very finest British
+manufacture"
+
+"Would you tell me, please, which way I ought to go from here?"
+
+"That depends a good deal on where you want to get to," said the Cat
+
+                —— Lewis Carrol
+
+I'm not under the alkafluence of inkahol that some thinkle peep I am.
+It's just the drunker I sit here the longer I get.
+
+Serocki's Stricture:
+        Marriage is always a bachelor's last option.
+
+Virtue is its own punishment.
+
+Line Printer paper is strongest at the perforations.
+
+The older a man gets, the farther he had to walk to school as a boy.
+
+We may not return the affection of those who like us, but we always
+respect their good judgement.
+
+A real patriot is the fellow who gets a parking ticket and rejoices
+that the system works.
+
+One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people.
+
+The cost of living hasn't affected its popularity.
+
+Anybody who doesn't cut his speed at the sight of a police car is
+probably parked.
+
+Don't put off for tomorrow what you can do today, because if you enjoy
+it today you can do it again tomorrow.
+
+Anybody with money to burn will easily find someone to tend the fire.
+
+Teach children to be polite and courteous in the home, and, when he
+grows up, he will never be able to edge his car onto a freeway.
+
+A bore is someone who persists in holding his own views after we have
+enlightened him with ours.
+
+Maybe you can't buy happiness, but these days you can certainly charge
+it.
+
+The best thing about growing older is that it takes such a long time.
+
+There are three ways to get something done: do it yourself, hire
+someone, or forbid your kids to do it.
+
+The trouble with doing something right the first time is that nobody
+appreciates how difficult it was.
+
+Politics is like coaching a football team.  you have to be smart enough
+to understand the game but not smart enough to lose interest.
+
+Nobody wants constructive criticism.  It's all we can do to put up with
+constructive praise.
+
+History repeats itself.  That's one thing wrong with history.
+
+Resisting temptation is easier when you think you'll probably get
+another chance later on.
+
+Never make anything simple and efficient when a way can be found to
+make it complex and wonderful.
+
+A student who changes the course of history is probably taking an
+exam.
+
+Ever notice that even the busiest people are never too busy to tell you
+just how busy they are.
+
+There's a fine line between courage and foolishness. Too bad its not a
+fence.
+
+The marvels of today's modern technology include the development of a
+soda can, when discarded will last forever...and a $7,000 car which
+when properly cared for will rust out in two or three years.
+
+One difference between a man and a machine is that a machine is quiet
+when well oiled.
+
+To be intoxicated is to feel sophisticated but not be able to say it.
+
+Youth is when you blame all your troubles on your parents; maturity is
+when you learn that everything is the fault of the younger generation.
+
+A well adjusted person is one who makes the same mistake twice without
+getting nervous.
+
+Behold the warranty...the bold print giveth and the fine print taketh
+away.
+
+Always borrow money from a pessimist; he doesn't expect to be paid
+back.
+
+How come wrong numbers are never busy?
+
+One thing the inventors can't seem to get the bugs out of is fresh
+paint.
+
+Have you noticed that all you need to grow healthy, vigorous grass is a
+crack in your sidewalk?
+
+Conscience is what hurts when everything else feels so good.
+
+Cleanliness is next to impossible.
+
+Political T.V. commercials prove one thing: some candidates can tell
+all their good points and qualifications in just 30 seconds.
+
+Ask not for whom the telephone bell tolls...if thou art in the bathtub,
+it tolls for thee.
+
+One way to stop a run away horse is to bet on him.
+
+A real person has two reasons for doing anything...a good reason and
+the real reason.
+
+Show me a man who is a good loser and i'll show you a man who is
+playing golf with his boss.
+
+Serving coffee on aircraft causes turbulence.
+
+Nothing cures insomnia like the realization that it's time to get up.
+
+If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every
+word you say, talk in your sleep.
+
+X-rated movies are all alike...the only thing they leave to the
+imagination is the plot.
+
+People usually get what's coming to them...unless it's been mailed.
+
+Isn't it strange that the same people that laugh at gypsy fortune
+tellers take economists seriously?
+
+Man usually avoids attributing cleverness to somebody else ——
+unless it is an enemy.
+                —— A. Einstein
+
+"Calvin Coolidge looks as if he had been weaned on a pickle."
+                —— Alice Roosevelt Longworth
+
+"There are two ways of disliking poetry; one way is to dislike it, the
+other is to read Pope."
+                —— Oscar Wilde
+
+"She is descended from a long line that her mother listened to."
+                —— Gypsy Rose Lee
+
+"The difference between a misfortune and a calamity?  If Gladstone fell
+into the Thames, it would be a misfortune.  But if someone dragged him
+out again, it would be a calamity."
+                —— Benjamin Disraeli
+
+"MacDonald has the gift on compressing the largest amount of words into
+the smallest amount of thoughts."
+                —— Winston Churchill
+
+Actor:  "I'm a smash hit.  Why, yesterday during the last act, I had
+        everyone glued in their seats!"
+Oliver Herford:  "Wonderful!  Wonderful!  Clever of you to think of
+        it!"
+
+"Sherry [Thomas Sheridan] is dull, naturally dull; but it must have
+taken him a great deal of pains to become what we now see him.  Such an
+excess of stupidity, sir, is not in Nature."
+                —— Samuel Johnson
+
+"Why was I born with such contemporaries?"
+                —— Oscar Wilde
+
+"Wagner's music is better than it sounds."
+                —— Mark Twain
+
+On a paper submitted by a physicist colleague:
+
+"This isn't right.  This isn't even wrong."
+
+                —— Wolfgang Pauli
+
+Leibowitz's Rule:
+        When hammering a nail, you will never hit your finger if you
+        hold the hammer with both hands.
+
+Drew's Law of Highway Biology:
+        The first bug to hit a clean windshield lands directly in front
+        of your eyes.
+
+Langsam's Laws:
+        1) Everything depends.
+        2) Nothing is always.
+        3) Everything is sometimes.
+
+Law of Probable Dispersal:
+        Whatever it is that hits the fan will not be evenly
+        distributed.
+
+Meader's Law:
+        Whatever happens to you, it will previously have happened to
+        everyone you know, only more so.
+
+Fourth Law of Revision:
+        It is usually impractical to worry beforehand about
+        interferences —— if you have none, someone will make one for
+        you.
+
+Sodd's Second Law:
+        Sooner or later, the worst possible set of circumstances is
+        bound to occur.
+
+Murphy's Law is recursive.  Washing your car to make it rain doesn't
+work.
+
+Rule of Defactualization:
+        Information deteriorates upward through bureaucracies.
+
+Spark's Sixth Rule for Managers:
+        If a subordinate asks you a pertinent question, look at him as
+        if he had lost his senses.  When he looks down, paraphrase the
+        question back at him.
+
+Anthony's Law of Force:
+        Don't force it; get a larger hammer.
+
+Ray's Rule of Precision:
+        Measure with a micrometer.  Mark with chalk.  Cut with an axe.
+
+Rule of Creative Research:
+        1) Never draw what you can copy.
+        2) Never copy what you can trace.
+        3) Never trace what you can cut out and paste down.
+
+Barach's Rule:
+        An alcoholic is a person who drinks more than his own
+        physician.
+
+Ink: A villainous compound of tannogallate of iron, gum-arabic, and
+water, chiefly used to facilitate the infection of idiocy and promote
+intellectual crime.
+
+Kleptomaniac: A rich thief.
+
+Labor: One of the processes by which A acquires property for B.
+
+Trivia pursuit -
+    The culmination of man's
+    never ending search for a
+    lack of purpose.
+              - B.C. -
+
+Liar: A lawyer with a roving commission.
+
+Major Premise: Sixty men can do a piece of work sixty times as quickly
+        as one man.
+
+Minor Premise: One man can dig a post hole in sixty seconds;
+
+Conclusion: Sixty men can dig a post hole in one second.
+
+Mad: Affected with a high degree of intellectual independence...
+
+Misfortune: The kind of fortune that never misses.
+
+Miss: A title with which we brand unmarried women to indicate that
+they are in the market.
+
+Monday: In Christian countries, the day after the baseball game.
+
+Mythology: The body of a primitive people's beliefs concerning its
+origin, early history, heroes, deities and so forth, as distinguished
+>from the true accounts which it invents later.
+
+...It has been observed that one's nose is never so happy as when it
+is thrust into the affairs of another, from which some physiologists
+have drawn the inference that the nose is devoid of the sense of
+smell.
+                —— Ambrose Bierce
+
+November: The eleventh twelfth of a weariness.
+
+Once, adv.: Enough.
+
+In Dr. Johnson's famous dictionary patriotism is defined as the last
+resort of the scoundrel.  With all due respect to an enlightened but
+inferior lexicographer I beg to submit that it is the first.
+                —— Ambrose Bierce
+
+Pig: An animal (Porcus omnivorous) closely allied to the human race by
+the splendor and vivacity of its appetite, which, however, is inferior
+in scope, for it balks at pig.
+
+Positive: Mistaken at the top of one's voice.
+
+It has just been discovered that research causes cancer in rats.
+
+Frisbeetarianism: The belief that when you die, your soul goes up the
+on roof and gets stuck.
+
+Hofstadter's Law:
+        It always takes longer than you expect, even when you take
+        Hofstadter's Law into account.
+
+"It is bad luck to be superstitious."
+                —— Andrew W. Mathis
+
+If A = B and B = C, then A = C, except where void or prohibited by law.
+                —— Roy Santoro
+
+Main's Law:
+        For every action there is an equal and opposite government
+        program.
+
+"When you are in it up to your ears, keep your mouth shut."
+
+Preudhomme's Law of Window Cleaning:
+        It's on the other side.
+
+The shortest distance between two points is under construction.
+                —— Noelie Altito
+
+Any small object that is accidentally dropped will hide under a
+larger object.
+
+If while you are in school, there is a shortage of qualified personnel
+in a particular field, then by the time you graduate with the necessary
+qualifications, that field's employment market is glutted.
+                —— Marguerite Emmons
+
+Pro is to con as progress is to Congress.
+
+The probability of someone watching you is proportional to the
+stupidity of your action.
+
+Hurewitz's Memory Principle:
+        The chance of forgetting something is directly proportional
+        to.....to........uh..............
+
+Money is the root of all evil, and man needs roots
+
+It is said that the lonely eagle flies to the mountain peaks while the
+lowly ant crawls the ground, but cannot the soul of the ant soar as
+high as the eagle?
+
+"If you wants to get elected president, you'se got to think up some
+memoraboble homily so's school kids can be pestered into memorizin'
+it, even if they don't know what it means."
+                —— Walt Kelly
+
+Bride: A woman with a fine prospect of happiness behind her.
+
+A penny saved is ridiculous.
+
+The right half of the brain controls the left half of the body.
+This means that only left handed people are in their right mind.
+
+"You must realize that the computer has it in for you.  The irrefutable
+proof of this is that the computer always does what you tell it to do."
+
+If a President doesn't do it to his wife, he'll do it to his country.
+
+It is better to kiss an avocado than to get in a fight with an aardvark
+
+Joe's sister puts spaghetti in her shoes!
+
+Bank error in your favor.  Collect $200.
+
+Remember that whatever misfortune may be your lot, it could only be
+worse in Cleveland.
+
+As the trials of life continue to take their toll, remember that there
+is always a future in Computer Maintenance.
+
+Go placidly amid the noise and waste, and remember what value there may
+be in owning a piece thereof.
+
+For a good time, call (415) 642-9483
+
+AAAAAAAAAaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaccccccccckkkkkk!!!!!!!!!
+You brute!  Knock before entering a ladies room!
+
+A gleekzorp without a tornpee is like a quop without a fertsneet (sort of).
+
+To be is to do.
+        —— I. Kant
+To do is to be.
+        —— A. Sartre
+Yabba-Dabba-Doo!
+        —— F. Flintstone
+
+God is Dead
+        —— Nietzsche
+Nietzsche is Dead
+        —— God
+Nietzsche is God
+        —— Dead
+
+Jesus Saves,
+Moses Invests,
+But only Buddha pays Dividends.
+
+Acid absorbs 47 times its weight in excess Reality.
+
+Reality is a cop-out for people who can't handle science fiction.
+
+Census Taker to Housewife: Did you ever have the measles, and, if so,
+how many?
+
+Anything free is worth what you pay for it.
+
+Ask Not for whom the Bell Tolls, and You will Pay only the
+Station-to-Station rate.
+
+Necessity is a mother.
+
+Help!  I'm trapped in a PDP 11/70!
+
+!07/11 PDP a ni deppart m'I  !pleH
+
+You can't judge a book by the way it wears its hair.
+
+May the Fleas of a Thousand Camels infest one of your Erogenous Zones.
+
+May a Misguided Platypus lay its Eggs in your Jockey Shorts
+
+May your Tongue stick to the Roof of your Mouth with the Force of a
+Thousand Caramels.
+
+In the days of old,
+When Knights were bold,
+        And women were too cautious;
+Oh, those gallant days,
+When women were women,
+        And men were really obnoxious...
+
+Sex is not the answer.  Sex is the question.  "Yes" is the answer.
+
+If anything can go wrong, it will.
+
+$100 invested at 7% interest for 100 years will become $100,000, at
+which time it will be worth absolutely nothing.
+
+If God had intended Men to Smoke, He would have put Chimneys in their
+Heads.
+
+If God had intended Man to Smoke, He would have set him on Fire.
+
+If God had intended Man to Walk, He would have given him Feet.
+
+If God had intended Man to Watch TV, He would have given him Rabbit
+Ears.
+
+How doth the little crocodile
+    Improve his shining tail,
+And pour the waters of the Nile
+    On every golden scale!
+
+How cheerfully he seems to grin,
+    How neatly spreads his claws,
+And welcomes little fishes in,
+    With gently smiling jaws!
+
+You're at the end of the road again.
+
+If anything can go wrong, it will.
+
+The best equipment for your work is, of course, the most expensive.
+
+However, your neighbor is always wasting money that should be yours by
+judging things by their price.
+
+In Riemann, Hilbert or in Banach space
+Let superscripts and subscripts go their ways.
+Our symptotes no longer out of phase,
+We shall encounter, counting, face to face.
+
+I'll grant the random access to my heart,
+Thoul't tell me all the constants of thy love;
+And so we two shall all love's lemmas prove
+And in our bound partition never part.
+
+Cancel me not —— for what then shall remain?
+Abscissas, some mantissas, modules, modes,
+A root or two, a torus and a node:
+The inverse of my verse, a null domain.
+
+A very intelligent turtle
+Found programming UNIX a hurdle
+        The system, you see,
+        Ran as slow as did he,
+And that's not saying much for the turtle.
+
+This fortune intentionally not included.
+
+flibber-ti-gibbet
+One who is inclined to look up words like flibbertigibbert                                         -B.C.-
+
+Seduced, shaggy Samson snored.
+She scissored short.  Sorely shorn,
+Soon shackled slave, Samson sighed,
+Silently scheming,
+Sightlessly seeking
+Some savage, spectacular suicide.
+
+                —— Stanislaw Lem
+
+In an organization, each person rises to the level of his own
+incompetency
+                —— the Peter Principle
+
+Pohl's law: Nothing is so good that somebody, somewhere, will not hate
+it.
+
+A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that
+you will look forward to the trip.
+
+A bird in the hand is worth what it will bring.
+                —— Ambrose Bierce
+
+I'd rather have a bottle in front of me than a frontal lobotomy.
+
+When Marriage is Outlawed,
+Only Outlaws will have Inlaws.
+
+HE: Let's end it all, bequeathin' our brains to science.
+SHE: What?!?  Science got enough trouble with their OWN brains.
+                —— Walt Kelley
+
+Look out!  Behind you!
+
+Give me the Luxuries, and the Hell with the Necessities!
+
+Desk:  A wastebasket with drawers.
+
+Anything worth doing is worth overdoing
+
+Dentist: A Prestidigitator who, putting metal in one's mouth, pulls
+coins out of one's pockets.
+                —— Ambrose Bierce
+
+It will be advantageous to cross the great stream...the Dragon is on
+the wing in the Sky...the Great Man rouses himself to his Work.
+
+If all be true that I do think,
+There be Five Reasons why one should Drink;
+Good friends, good wine, or being dry,
+Or lest we should be by-and-by,
+Or any other reason why.
+
+If there is a possibility of several things going wrong, the one that
+will cause the most damage will be the one to go wrong.
+
+If you perceive that there are four possible ways in which a procedure
+can go wrong, and circumvent these, then a fifth way will promptly
+develop.
+
+Left to themselves, things tend to go from bad to worse.
+
+Every solution breeds new problems.
+
+It is impossible to make anything foolproof because fools are so
+ingenious.
+
+O'Toole's commentary on Murphy's Law:
+        "Murphy was an optimist."
+
+Boling's postulate:
+        If you're feeling good, don't worry.  You'll get over it.
+
+Anytime things appear to be going better, you have overlooked
+something.
+
+If you explain so clearly that nobody can misunderstand, somebody
+will.
+
+Scott's first Law:
+        No matter what goes wrong, it will probably look right.
+
+Finagle's first Law:
+        If an experiment works, something has gone wrong.
+
+Finagle's second Law:
+        No matter what the anticipated result, there will always be
+        someone eager to (a) misinterpret it, (b) fake it, or (c)
+        believe it happened according to his own pet theory.
+
+Finagle's fourth Law:
+        Once a job is fouled up, anything done to improve it only
+        makes it worse.
+
+Do not believe in miracles —— rely on them.
+
+Science is convinced there's no intelligent
+life in our solar system.
+                S. F. Chronicle
+
+Issawi's Laws of Progress:
+
+        The Course of Progress:
+                Most things get steadily worse.
+
+        The Path of Progress:
+                A shortcut is the longest distance between two points.
+
+Simon's Law:
+        Everything put together falls apart sooner or later.
+
+Ehrman's Commentary:
+        1.  Things will get worse before they get better.
+        2.  Who said things would get better?
+
+Dimensions will always be expressed in the least usable term.
+Velocity, for example, will be expressed in furlongs per fortnight.
+
+Non-Reciprocal Laws of Expectations:
+        Negative expectations yield negative results.
+        Positive expectations yield negative results.
+
+Howe's Law:
+        Everyone has a scheme that will not work.
+
+Sturgeon's Law:
+        90% of everything is crud.
+
+Glib's Fourth Law of Unreliability:
+        Investment in reliability will increase until it exceeds the
+        probable cost of errors, or until someone insists on getting
+        some useful work done.
+
+Brook's Law:
+        Adding manpower to a late software project makes it later
+
+Bolub's Fourth Law of Computerdom:
+        Project teams detest weekly progress reporting because it so
+        vividly manifests their lack of progress.
+
+Lubarsky's Law of Cybernetic Entomology:
+        There's always one more bug.
+
+Shaw's Principle:
+        Build a system that even a fool can use, and only a fool will
+        want to use it.
+
+Law of the Perversity of Nature:
+        You cannot successfully determine beforehand which side of the
+        bread to butter.
+
+Law of Selective Gravity:
+        An object will fall so as to do the most damage.
+
+Jenning's Corollary:
+        The chance of the bread falling with the buttered side down is
+        directly proportional to the cost of the carpet.
+
+Paul's Law:
+        You can't fall off the floor.
+
+Johnson's First Law:
+        When any mechanical contrivance fails, it will do so at the
+        most inconvenient possible time.
+
+Watson's Law:
+        The reliability of machinery is inversely proportional to the
+        number and significance of any persons watching it.
+
+Sattinger's Law:
+        It works better if you plug it in.
+
+Lowery's Law:
+        If it jams —— force it.  If it breaks, it needed replacing
+        anyway.
+
+Fudd's First Law of Opposition:
+        Push something hard enough and it will fall over.
+
+Cahn's Axiom:
+        When all else fails, read the instructions.
+
+Jenkinson's Law:
+        It won't work.
+
+Murphy's Law of Research:
+        Enough research will tend to support your theory.
+
+Williams and Holland's Law:
+        If enough data is collected, anything may be proven by
+        statistical methods.
+
+Harvard Law:
+        Under the most rigorously controlled conditions of pressure,
+        temperature, volume, humidity, and other variables, the
+        organism will do as it damn well pleases.
+
+Hoare's Law of Large Problems:
+        Inside every large problem is a small problem struggling to get
+        out.
+
+Brooke's Law:
+        Whenever a system becomes completely defined, some damn fool
+        discovers something which either abolishes the system or
+        expands it beyond recognition.
+
+Meskimen's Law:
+        There's never time to do it right, but there's always time to
+        do it over.
+
+Heller's Law:
+        The first myth of management is that it exists.
+
+Johnson's Corollary:
+        Nobody really knows what is going on anywhere within the
+        organization.
+
+Peter's Law of Substitution:
+        Look after the molehills, and the mountains will look after
+        themselves.
+
+Parkinson's Fourth Law:
+        The number of people in any working group tends to increase
+        regardless of the amount of work to be done.
+
+Parkinson's Fifth Law:
+        If there is a way to delay in important decision, the good
+        bureaucracy, public or private, will find it.
+
+Zymurgy's Law of Volunteer Labor:
+        People are always available for work in the past tense.
+
+Iron Law of Distribution:
+        Them that has, gets.
+
+H. L. Mencken's Law:
+        Those who can —— do.
+        Those who can't —— teach.
+
+Martin's Extension:
+        Those who cannot teach —— administrate.
+
+Jones' Law:
+        The man who smiles when things go wrong has thought of someone
+        to blame it on.
+
+Rule of Feline Frustration:
+        When your cat has fallen asleep on your lap and looks utterly
+        content and adorable, you will suddenly have to go to the
+        bathroom.
+
+A transistor protected by a fast-acting fuse will protect the fuse by
+blowing first.
+
+After the last of 16 mounting screws has been removed from an access
+cover, it will be discovered that the wrong access cover has been
+removed.
+
+After an instrument has been assembled, extra components will be found
+on the bench.
+
+This universe never did make sense;  I suspect that it was built on
+government contract.
+
+In any formula, constants (especially those obtained from handbooks)
+are to be treated as variables.
+
+Parts that positively cannot be assembled in improper order will be.
+
+First Law of Bicycling:
+        No matter which way you ride, it's uphill and against the
+        wind.
+
+Boob's Law:
+        You always find something in the last place you look.
+
+Osborn's Law:
+        Variables won't; constants aren't.
+
+Skinner's Constant (or Flannagan's Finagling Factor):
+        That quantity which, when multiplied by, divided by, added to,
+        or subtracted from the answer you get, gives you the answer you
+        should have gotten.
+
+Miksch's Law:
+        If a string has one end, then it has another end.
+
+Law of Communications:
+        The inevitable result of improved and enlarged communications
+        between different levels in a hierarchy is a vastly increased
+        area of misunderstanding.
+
+Harris's Lament:
+        All the good ones are taken.
+
+If you cannot convince them, confuse them.
+                —— Harry S Truman
+
+Putt's Law:
+        Technology is dominated by two types of people:
+            Those who understand what they do not manage.
+            Those who manage what they do not understand.
+
+First Law of Procrastination:
+        Procrastination shortens the job and places the responsibility
+        for its termination on someone else (i.e., the authority who
+        imposed the deadline).
+
+Fifth Law of Procrastination:
+        Procrastination avoids boredom; one never has the feeling that
+        there is nothing important to do.
+
+Swipple's Rule of Order:
+        He who shouts the loudest has the floor.
+
+Wiker's Law:
+        Government expands to absorb revenue and then some.
+
+Gray's Law of Programming:
+        'n+1' trivial tasks are expected to be accomplished in the same
+        time as 'n' trivial tasks.
+
+Logg's Rebuttal to Gray's Law:
+        'n+1' trivial tasks take twice as long as 'n' trivial tasks.
+
+Ninety-Ninety Rule of Project Schedules:
+        The first ninety percent of the task takes ninety percent of
+        the time, and the last ten percent takes the other ninety
+        percent.
+
+Weinberg's First Law:
+        Progress is made on alternate Fridays.
+
+Weinberg's Second Law:
+        If builders built buildings the way programmers wrote programs,
+        then the first woodpecker that came along would destroy
+        civilization.
+
+Paul's Law:
+        In America, it's not how much an item costs, it's how much you
+        save.
+
+Malek's Law:
+        Any simple idea will be worded in the most complicated way.
+
+Weinberg's Principle:
+        An expert is a person who avoids the small errors while
+        sweeping on to the grand fallacy.
+
+Barth's Distinction:
+        There are two types of people:  those who divide people into
+        two types, and those who don't.
+
+Weiler's Law:
+        Nothing is impossible for the man who doesn't have to do it
+        himself.
+
+First Law of Socio-Genetics:
+        Celibacy is not hereditary.
+
+Beifeld's Principle:
+        The probability of a young man meeting a desirable and
+        receptive young female increases by pyramidal progression when
+        he is already in the company of: (1) a date, (2) his wife, (3)
+        a better looking and richer male friend.
+
+Hartley's Second Law:
+        Never sleep with anyone crazier than yourself.
+
+Pardo's First Postulate:
+        Anything good in life is either illegal, immoral, or fattening.
+
+Arnold's Addendum:
+        Anything not fitting into these categories causes cancer in
+        rats.
+
+Parker's Law:
+        Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes clean to the bone.
+
+Captain Penny's Law:
+        You can fool all of the people some of the time, and some of
+        the people all of the time, but you Can't Fool Mom.
+
+Katz' Law:
+        Man and nations will act rationally when all other
+        possibilities have been exhausted.
+
+Mr. Cole's Axiom:
+        The sum of the intelligence on the planet is a constant; the
+        population is growing.
+
+Steele's Plagiarism of Somebody's Philosophy:
+        Everybody should believe in something —— I believe I'll have
+        another drink.
+
+The Kennedy Constant:
+        Don't get mad —— get even.
+
+Canada Bill Jone's Motto:
+        It's morally wrong to allow suckers to keep their money.
+
+Supplement:
+        A .44 magnum beats four aces.
+
+Jone's Motto:
+        Friends come and go, but enemies accumulate.
+
+The Fifth Rule:
+        You have taken yourself too seriously.
+
+Cole's Law:
+        Thinly sliced cabbage.
+
+Hartley's First Law:
+        You can lead a horse to water, but if you can get him to float
+        on his back, you've got something.
+
+Jacquin's Postulate on Democratic Government:
+        No man's life, liberty, or property are safe while the
+        legislature is in session.
+
+Churchill's Commentary on Man:
+        Man will occasionally stumble over the truth, but most of the
+        time he will pick himself up and continue on.
+
+Newton's Little-Known Seventh Law:
+        A bird in the hand is safer than one overhead.
+
+Mosher's Law of Software Engineering:
+        Don't worry if it doesn't work right.  If everything did, you'd
+        be out of a job.
+
+ROMEO: Courage, man; the hurt cannot be much.
+MERCUTIO: No, 'tis not so deep as a well, nor so wide as a church-
+        door; but 'tis enough, 'twill serve.
+
+"He is now rising from affluence to poverty."
+                —— Mark Twain
+
+A classic is something that everybody wants to have read and nobody
+wants to read.
+                —— Mark Twain
+
+If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he will not bite
+you.  This is the principal difference between a dog and a man.
+                —— Mark Twain
+
+Cauliflower is nothing but Cabbage with a College Education.
+                —— Mark Twain
+
+But soft you, the fair Ophelia:
+Ope not thy ponderous and marble jaws,
+But get thee to a nunnery —— go!
+                —— Mark "The Bard" Twain
+
+"Why is it that we rejoice at a birth and grieve at a funeral?  It is
+because we are not the person involved"
+                —— Mark Twain
+
+"...an experienced, industrious, ambitious, and often quite often
+picturesque liar."
+                —— Mark Twain
+
+I was gratified to be able to answer promptly, and I did.  I said I
+didn't know.
+                —— Mark Twain
+
+"...all the modern inconveniences..."
+                —— Mark Twain
+
+We have met the enemy, and he is us.
+                —— Walt Kelly
+
+"Humor is a drug which it's the fashion to abuse."
+                —— William Gilbert
+
+Mencken and Nathan's Second Law of The Average American:
+        All the postmasters in small towns read all the postcards.
+
+Mencken and Nathan's Ninth Law of The Average American:
+        The quality of a champagne is judged by the amount of noise the
+        cork makes when it is popped.
+
+Mencken and Nathan's Fifteenth Law of The Average American:
+        The worst actress in the company is always the manager's wife.
+
+Mencken and Nathan's Sixteenth Law of The Average American:
+        Milking a cow is an operation demanding a special talent that
+        is possessed only by yokels, and no person born in a large city
+        can never hope to acquire it.
+
+Hark, the Herald Tribune sings,
+Advertising wondrous things.
+
+Angels we have heard on High
+Tell us to go out and Buy.
+
+The Preacher, the Politicain, the Teacher,
+        Were each of them once a kiddie.
+A child, indeed, is a wonderful creature.
+        Do I want one?  God Forbiddie!
+
+                —— Ogden Nash
+
+Who made the world I cannot tell;
+'Tis made, and here am I in hell.
+My hand, though now my knuckles bleed,
+I never soiled with such a deed.
+
+                —— A. E. Housman
+
+Families, when a child is born
+Want it to be intelligent.
+I, through intelligence,
+Having wrecked my whole life,
+Only hope the baby will prove
+Ignorant and stupid.
+Then he will crown a tranquil life
+By becoming a Cabinet Minister
+
+                —— Su Tung-p'o
+
+The human animal differs from the lesser primates in his passion for
+lists of "Ten Best".
+                —— H. Allen Smith
+
+Is not marriage an open question, when it is alleged, from the
+beginning of the world, that such as are in the institution wish to get
+out, and such as are out wish to get in?
+                —— Ralph Emerson
+
+The hearing ear is always found close to the speaking tongue,
+a custom whereof the memory of man runneth not howsomever to
+the contrary, nohow.
+
+Emersons' Law of Contrariness:
+        Our chief want in life is somebody who shall make us do what we
+        can.  Having found them, we shall then hate them for it.
+
+Nothing astonishes men so much as common sense and plain dealing.
+
+There is a great discovery still to be made in Literature: that of
+paying literary men by the quantity they do NOT write.
+
+The great masses of the people . . . will more easily fall victims to a
+great lie than to a small one.
+                                -Adolph Hitler
+
+Pay no attention to what the critics say; there has never been set up a
+statue in honor of a critic.
+                                -Jean Sibelius
+
+Every crowd has a silver lining.
+                                -Phineas Taylor Barnum
+
+A cynic is just a man who found out when he was about ten that there wasn't
+any Santa Claus, and he's still upset.
+                                -James Gould Cozzens
+
+The devil was the first democrat.
+                                -Lord Byron
+
+I don't call them Democrats and Republicans.  There are only Liberals
+and Americans.
+                                -James Watt
+
+Vegetarianism is harmless enough, although it is apt to fill a man with
+wind and self-righteousness.
+                                -Sir Robert Hutchison
+
+I have discovered the art of deceiving diplomats. I speak the truth, and
+they never believe me.
+                                -Conte Camillo Benso di Cavour
+
+Modern diplomats approach every problem with an open mouth.
+                                -Arthur J. Goldberg
+
+Bad officials are elected by good citizens who do not vote.
+                                -George Jean Nathan
+
+It is inexcusable for scientists to torture animals; let them make their
+experiments on journalists and politicians.
+                                -Henrik Ibsen
+
+Anybody can win, unless there happens to be a second entry.
+
+It is hard to believe that a man is telling the truth when you know that
+you would lie if you were in his place.
+                                -Henry Louis Mencken
+
+It is twice as hard to crush a half-truth as a whole lie.
+
+Men occasionally stumble over the truth, but most of them pick themselves
+up and hurry off as if nothing had happened.
+                                -Sir Winston Churchill
+
+A great many people think they are thinking when they are merely rearranging
+their prejudices.
+                                -William James
+
+Nothing you can't spell will ever work.
+                                -Will Rogers
+
+A fool must now and then be right by chance.
+
+Hi there!  This is just a note from me, to you, to tell you, the person
+reading this note, that I can't think up any more famous quotes, jokes,
+nor bizarre stories, so you may as well go home.
+
+Arnold's Laws of Documentation:
+        1) If it should exist, it doesn't.
+        2) If it does exist, it's out of date.
+        3) Only documentation for useless programs transcends the
+            first two laws.
+
+Harrisberger's Fourth Law of the Lab:
+        Experience is directly proportional to the amount of
+        equipment ruined.
+
+Boren's Laws:
+        1)  When in charge, ponder.
+        2)  When in trouble, delegate.
+        3)  When in doubt, mumble.
+
+Chisolm's First Corollary to Murphy's Second Law:
+        When things just can't possibly get any worse, they will.
+
+Rudin's Law:
+        If there is a wrong way to do something, most people will
+        do it every time.
+
+Bucy's Law:
+        Nothing is ever accomplished by a reasonable man.
+
+Hacker's Law:
+        The belief that enhanced understanding will necessarily stir
+        a nation to action is one of mankind's oldest illusions.
+
+Probable-Possible, my black hen,
+She lays eggs in the Relative When.
+She doesn't lay eggs in the Positive Now
+Because she's unable to postulate how.
+                —— Frederick Winsor
+
+Vail's Second Axiom:
+        The amount of work to be done increases in proportion to the
+        amount of work already completed.
+
+Never count your chickens before they rip your lips off
+
+"Sometimes I simply feel that the whole world is a cigarette and I'm
+the only ashtray."
+
+Santa Claus wears a Red Suit,
+        He must be a communist.
+And a beard and long hair,
+        Must be a pacifist.
+
+        What's in that pipe that he's smoking?
+
+                —— Arlo Guthrie
+
+There is no satisfaction in hanging a man who does not object to it
+                —— G. B. Shaw
+
+Two can Live as Cheaply as One for Half as Long.
+                —— Howard Kandel
+
+Where there's a will, there's an Inheritance Tax.
+
+It is generally agreed that "Hello" is an appropriate greeting because
+if you entered a room and said "Goodbye," it could confuse a lot of
+people.
+                —— Dolph Sharp
+
+Hand: A singular instrument worn at the end of a human arm and commonly
+thrust into somebody's pocket.
+
+You should never wear your best trousers when you go out to fight for
+freedom and liberty.
+                —— Henrick Ibson
+
+Wit: The salt with which the American Humorist spoils his cookery...
+by leaving it out.
+
+Yield to Temptation...it may not pass your way again.
+                —— Lazarus Long
+
+I like work...
+I can sit and watch it for ours.
+
+Know thyself.  If you need help, call the C.I.A.
+
+"The Lord gave us farmers two strong hands so we could grab as much as
+we could with both of them."
+                —— Major Major's father
+
+Crime does not pay...as well as politics.
+                —— A. E. Newman
+
+Keep you Eye on the Ball,
+Your Shoulder to the Wheel,
+Your Nose to the Grindstone,
+Your Feet on the Ground,
+Your Head on your Shoulders.
+Now...try to get something DONE!
+
+Magpie: A bird whose thievish disposition suggested to someone that it
+might be taught to talk.
+
+Democracy is also a form of worship.  It is the worship of Jackals by
+Jackasses.
+                —— H. L. Mencken
+
+Peace: In international affairs, a period of cheating between two
+periods of fighting.
+
+NAPOLEON: What shall we do with this soldier, Guiseppe?  Everything he
+        says is wrong.
+GUISEPPE: Make him a general, Excellency, and then everything he says
+        will be right.
+                —— G. B. Shaw
+
+People who have what they want are very fond of telling people who
+haven't what they want that they don't want it.
+                —— Ogden Nash
+
+Avoid Quiet and Placid persons unless you are in Need of Sleep.
+
+A lot of people I know believe in positive thinking, and so do I.  I
+believe everything positively stinks.
+                —— Lew Col
+
+Be assured that a walk through the ocean of most Souls would scarcely
+get your Feet wet.  Fall not in Love, therefore: it will stick to your
+face.
+
+Recieving a million dollars tax free will make you feel better than
+being flat broke and having a stomach ache.
+                —— Dolph Sharp
+
+The Schwine-Kitzenger Institute study of 47 men over the age of 100
+showed that all had these things in common:
+        1)  They all had moderate appetites.
+        2)  They all came from middle class homes
+        3)  All but two of them were dead.
+
+Children aren't happy without something to ignore,
+And that's what parents were created for.
+                —— Ogden Nash
+
+Certainly there are things in life that money can't buy, but it's very funny——
+        Did you ever try buying then without money?
+
+                —— Ogden Nash
+
+Confucius say too much.
+                —— Recent Chinese Proverb
+
+Reporter: A writer who guesses his way to the truth and dispels it with
+a tempest of words.
+                —— Ambrose Bierce
+
+Fats Loves Madelyn
+
+Anyone who hates Dogs and Kids Can't be All Bad.
+                —— W. C. Fields
+
+"Hey!  Who took the cork off my lunch??!"
+                —— W. C. Fields
+
+A dozen, a gross, and a score,
+Plus three times the square root of four,
+        Divided by seven,
+        Plus five time eleven,
+Equals nine squared plus zero, no more.
+
+Who's on first?
+
+Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on
+society.
+                —— Mark Twain
+
+We really don't have any enemies.  It's just that some of our best
+friends are trying to kill us.
+
+If there is no God, who pops up the next Kleenex?
+                —— Art Hoppe
+
+The Killer Ducks are coming!!!
+
+"This is a country where people are free to practice their religion,
+regardless of race, creed, color, obesity, or number of dangling
+keys..."
+
+        COMMENT
+Oh, life is a glorious cycle of song,
+A medley of extemporanea;
+And love is thing that can never go wrong;
+And I am Marie of Roumania.
+                —— Dorothy Parker
+
+"He's just a politician trying to save both his faces..."
+
+"Drawing on my fine command of language, I said nothing."
+
+Blessed are they who Go Around in Circles, for they Shall be Known
+as Wheels.
+
+Every absurdity has a champion who will defend it.
+
+He who Laughs, Lasts.
+
+Now and then, an innocent man is sent to the Legislature.
+
+Somebody ought to cross ball point pens with coat hangers so that the
+pens will multiply instead of disappear.
+
+"It took me fifteen years to discover that I had no talent for writing,
+but I couldn't give up because by that time I was too famous."
+
+Today is a good day to bribe a high-ranking public official.
+
+To iterate is human, to recurse, divine.
+
+Too much of a good thing is WONDERFUL.
+                —— Mae West
+
+Famous last words:
+
+You will be Told about it Tomorrow.  Go Home and Prepare Thyself.
+
+Absurdity: A statement or belief manifestly inconsistent with one's own
+opinion.
+
+Abstainer: A weak person who yields to the temptation of denying
+himself a pleasure.
+
+A total abstainer is one who abstains from everything but abstention,
+and especially from inactivity in the affairs of others.
+                —— Ambrose Bierce
+
+Acquaintance: A person whom we know well enough to borrow from, but not
+well enough to lend to.
+                —— Ambrose Bierce
+
+Admiration: Our polite recognition of another's resemblance to
+ourselves.
+
+Adore: To venerate expectantly.
+
+Alliance: In international politics, the union of two thieves who have
+their hands so deeply inserted in each other's pocket that they cannot
+separately plunder a third.
+
+Alone: In bad company.
+
+Ambidextrous: Able to pick with equal skill a right-hand pocket or a
+left.
+
+God made the world in six days, and was arrested on the seventh.
+
+Anoint: To grease a king or other great functionary already
+sufficiently slippery.
+
+Bacchus: A convenient deity invented by the ancients as an excuse for
+getting drunk.
+
+Barometer: An ingenious instrument which indicates what kind of weather
+we are having.
+
+Birth: The first and direst of all disasters.
+
+Bore: A person who talks when you wish him to listen.
+
+Brain: The apparatus with which we think that we think.
+
+In our civilization, and under our republican form of government,
+intelligence is so highly honored that it is rewarded by exemption
+>from the cares of office.
+
+Cabbage: A familiar kitchen-garden vegetable about as large and wise as
+a man's head.
+
+Cogito cogito ergo cogito sum ——
+"I think that I think, therefore I think that I am."
+                —— Ambrose Bierce
+
+Critic: A person who boasts himself hard to please because nobody tries
+to please him.
+
+Dawn: The time when men of reason go to bed.
+
+"The first thing we do, let's kill all the lawyers"
+                            William Shakespeare
+
+"Computers make it easier to do a lot of things, but most of the things
+   they make it easier to do don't need to be done."
+                            Andy Rooney
+
+"I'd rather have a bottle in front of me than a frontal lobotomy."
+                            Scott Watson
+